Memory Lane with Kerry Godliman and Jen Brister - S02 E17: Andrew Bird

Episode Date: October 25, 2023

"The late 90s, there'd be a bungee jump in the pub car park... A crane pulled up..." Long time friend and brilliant comedian Andrew Bird brings in his (physical) photos for us to talk about. Photo 01 - The tree house (aged 14) Photo 02 - Down the mine (family holiday) Photo 03 - Down the pub Photo 04 - Worst gig ever... PICS & MORE - https://www.instagram.com/memory_lane_podcast/ A Dot Dot Dot Production produced by Joel Porter Hosted by Jen Brister & Kerry Godliman Distributed by Keep It Light Media Sales and advertising enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Explore the new Peloton Cross Training Tread Plus at OnePeloton.ca. Hello and welcome to Memory Lane. I'm Jen Bristair and I'm Kerry Godleman. Each week we'll be taking a trip down Memory Lane with our very special guest as they bring in four photos from their lives to talk about. To check out the photos we'd be having a natter with them about, they're on the episode image

and you can also see them a little bit more clearly on our Instagram page. So have a little look at Memory Lane podcast. Come on, we can all be nosy together. You know when a comic has a golden story and they don't want it. And you're like, it's mine. What is it?

So she's in her parents' WhatsApp group with her kids. Her kid goes to private school. Yeah. So she's like, they're not my people. They're just, it's Putney. It's Putney, like a really fancy school in Putney. Yeah. They're not my tribe.

But I've got one mate who I have a bit of bans with. All the parents like show off in the WhatsApp. This is what poppy. Puppies won this thing, this term. And la la la. See, pictures of skiing. Pictures of skiing. Gymnestic awards.

would never do that. No, our moms would never do that. But that was another time. But it was another time. Anyway, so these parents, apparently, one of these moms, came on the group with a picture of Poppy holding a, you know, gymnastics award and having a leg

wrap round her neck. And look what Poppy did at the weekend. And then so this other friend, screen grabbed it, sent it to Sarah with a message saying, I've just about had enough of these cums. And sent it to the group. Just about having it up at these cunt.

And as the stories being told whenever I've told it, people's faces, the weather systems on people's faces. Because you know exactly exactly. Because you know it's coming. And they're like, what was the fallout of that? Left country. Did she? I don't know.

But you'd have to, wouldn't you? You'd have to say, oh, well, we're emigrating now. I've just heard of these guns. is the phrasing of it I've just about had enough of these Well I like her She can stay It's a great story

I couldn't believe it When I was like I keep telling your story Can I just have it? She went It's yours I'll tell you I've been saying It's pissing Catcroft

Because I've mentioned it probably Every week since Home Schooling I've not let it go It's years now in it But I've still not let it go And I said if they both get Diagnose of ADHD

And it turns out I on my own homeschool two kids at different ages of ADHD I need a retrospective certificate of some I need a grant from the council I knew I knew you'd be on board

I'd be there like a mini statuette in Bista we were the first we remember we were the first drive-through gig I remember you telling me about that oh my god that was so that gig was you know what

I think it was posted a picture of it And I remember looking at it on social media. Just not understanding. Well, we were just delighted to sit in a gazebo. With each other. With our houses with another stand-up. Yeah. We sat there at one point at both.

So good moaning. We both did such good moaning. We both just went, oh, this is what I needed. Oh, God. Of course. It was awful. We sat down and we went, Andrew was like, right, who are we going to slag off? I was like, oh, great. This is perfect.

This is exactly what I wanted. We're like, who can we have a little bitch about while we're sitting here waiting to go on? And I was like, and I said, Andrew, I've missed this. I've really missed it. That's green room. Green room chat. You must miss it now. Touring.

You're not getting it. You're both touring. You don't get the green room chat. At least you've got support. I'm too tight to have a support. So I'm doing it on my own. Yeah, well, I don't blame you. Booked it all myself.

Have you? To get a load of this for a bit of organisation. Well, you say that. Wait for this. Pool Thursday. No, Paul Friday. Swansea Saturday South Shields Sunday

Okay Right okay You really need to think about your routine This feels like an intervention This was how bad it was That my mum rang me Went Your dad's just been looking at your flyer

Because you left a flyer And he's worried about you That's not a good start He's looked at the mileage Right I need to Before we go any further Firstly

You are one of my favourite comedians So people listening to this show Please go and see Andrew Bird He's absolutely brilliant Look at your face Of course we're recording You think this huge thing is in front of your mouth Oh we recorded all that?

Yeah We're doing a flaccid opening You're going to use that now I'm going to use that now Flaccid opening Don't ask Well they're called soft openings But I've changed it to Flaccid

Which I'm not happy about You don't look happy either Andrew I haven't finished this bit yet This bit is still continuing So please go and see Andrew He's absolutely brilliant You actually is constantly in demand from people who want you to be supporting them on tour

because you're so good. But also, I'm glad that you're on tour. But what do you want to say? You look so powerful. You're not going to argue with her. I haven't stuck a dig it up your bum. Relax. You look so tense with this compliment.

Yeah. I'm not comfortable with compliments generally. And they're rare things from Jen as well. He looks utterly bewildered. Yeah. You're one of my favourite comedians as well, Andrew. Thanks. He's more relaxed with me, giving him a compliment.

Yeah, because I think when I'm doing it, it looks really intense, doesn't it? Yeah, yeah. You look genuinely uncomfortable and scared. We all started out around the same time probably, didn't we? Yeah, yeah. I can remember one of my first gigs with you. Yeah. You used to have stuff on Oasis, didn't you?

You had something about Oasis. Did you? Did I? Yeah, I think you did. I think I did. I think I quite often wore an Oasis t-shirt on stage. I'll stop that after a while. It wasn't that long after Oasis, so it would have been in that time, though.

It wasn't after Oasis. Oasis was still going very strong in the noughties. No. 2009 they split up. Look, you look, fucking livid. I've got it chiseled into something. I am livid, you don't know that. Yeah, part of our culture.

It was a good 10 years left of Oasis before they start. I cut off around late 90s. I think I started just before you then. They didn't start until the late 90s. No, they started in 93. You're really going to piss him off now. After all that lovely start. I didn't want to bring this round to Oasis.

No, fine. Sorry, anyway. No, no, let's not do it. Let's not do it. It's not an Oasis podcast. No. It's an Andrew Bird podcast. But also, I hadn't finished the circle that I was on.

Yeah. Yeah. Which was start with a compliment. Make your way to what the real point is about. Go on. Which is what the fuck is the car park stuff on your Instagram? I can't stop looking at it. What is it?

Right. Okay. So this is, if you know. It angers people and people then WhatsApp me separately. going, yeah, yeah, but where do I park here? People get angry about it and then they often ask them for advice. I watch all of them. Explain this to me.

So Andrew has, if anyone, if you don't know, anyone who knows Andrew will know that this is so on brand, has puts up clips on his Instagram, do go and check them out, where he will tell you, and it's really only to other comedians, if you're going to Barry St. Edmonds, where to park. This is where you park. What a lovely service. What a service. And it's free.

or this is as cheap as it gets. So come here, don't avoid it. Everyone's got to have a niche and this is Andrews. It's so fucking niche. And also, what is also, it's so dark when you're recording them. 80% of them, I can't see your face. The production value is low. I do.

But the information is quality. I'm parking at night. So I'm filming myself walking down a street. There's a couple of them where I'm like, this looks like, yeah, this looks like a scene from cromwatch. Yeah, it looks like I'm about to be. attacked in a lot of them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, um, are they funny?

No, I'm not trying to be funny. They're only funny. They're only funny, not, not, because when you're watching you, going, I can't believe that Andrews put this online. Yeah. There's a little bit of, it's like, is it, quite a lot? Does it tip into funny by just sheer nuttingness? Yeah.

Yeah, it does tip into funny. That's my favourite kind of funny. But I think it tips into funny because I'm like, fucking hell, Andrew. Anything to do with bloke's cars, roads, routes, parking. When they go, become fanatical. It tips into funny. Yeah. But I realise how tragic it is, but quite, I'm embracing that.

It's a self-awareness we're happy for. I feel like you could keep a lot of this to yourself because you're actually, you're giving a lot by offering. Your street, I'm not going to say the name of your street, but your street was one for a while. Yes, I would come out of my house. Your street's a nightmare for parking. Brighton full stop is a nightmare for parking.

Can I just say how discombobulating it is to walk out of your house and see Andrew Bird, standing outside of your house with Jeff. Innocent and being like, what the fuck are you doing outside my house? What do you do? Because her road, I found free parking, but I didn't know. But it is now. I didn't know her.

It was her road until Jeff Innocon come with me. Where are you digging? There's no gig near her. You've got to walk all the way down. Media. For half an hour. No. Half an hour walk.

It's not close. It's not. It's 12 minutes to the comedian. Don't make me have this debate with you. I had this with Jeff Innocent. You went, well, you're walking half an hour? I'm with Jeff. Yeah.

Well, hang on. But I'm saving what, 25 quid, 30 quid in parking for a weekend. in Brighton? You're more than that, it's 25 quid a day. If someone's right, someone said to you, would you walk half an hour for 30 quid? You go, no. No. You wouldn't walk half an hour for 30 quid.

I'd rather not. Well, this is where we differ. I would walk through dog shit for half an hour for 30 quid. And then, so I said to Jeff goes, and then he finds out that the parking is not discounted at the hotel anymore in Brighton. And then it starts off every day. So he's only parked overnight, and it's charged him for two days already. Oh my God.

She goes, where'd you park? And I went, I'll tell him. I have told you. He goes, I don't know where that is. I haven't got my sat and have. I went, wait there. So I get in the car with him, and we go and park. And he goes, hang on, I think Jim Bristol lives here.

So it turns out we're on your street. And then, funnily enough, just the way it worked, next time he went to park there individually on his own, was just after you'd done alive at the Apollo, and then it became paying us for. straight after. Like they knew. And then Jeff blamed you personally.

I know, he still does. He goes, why can't I park outside your house? Because you've got hollow and they know you can afford it. Like, yeah, that's what happened. That's what happened. That was the decision that was made by Bright Council.

I found a Bear Street. You know, the Bear Tavern pub? You're telling everyone now? I do. I do know. My West End parking spot is the same one it's been for years. And I'm... Shut.

I'll tell everyone that. out. Bleep that out. Just literally bleep it out. If you've had on this podcast, but you're bleeping that out. Yeah. We've got to bleep that out.

You never, that's the best secret ever. Guarantee you will always get parked. Do you know what? I've had this, I've had this same argument when I do warm up at Elstreet. I tell the audience where the free parking is and all the cow, all the bloke's on the cameras start going,

what's you doing? Don't tell them all. And then it started getting busy. They go, I can't funny way to park there now. When did this passion? for parking emerge? I think as soon as my

license arrived in the post You've always had it? Yeah, I think it's a moral to charge people and not use their car. Right. Well, I get it, you've got to control it

or be an absolute free-for-all but my rule is I love the absence of jokes. I love the total sincerity. There's no human of this whatsoever. After six, it's borderline criminal to pay people to park. Sunday is like,

I think, it's an abuse of human rights. To pay a park on a Sunday. It's all about your carbon footprint. I haven't you had the memo, Andrew. We're trying to speak, save the, well, I don't know what I'm saying. What I'm saying is think about your... What's part in Hounslow and got the tubing?

It's really good fun watching. You parted in Hounslow today? An angry man. Just be angry about parking. Why didn't you just get a train in? Because my wife came with me to go to the airport. Because my wife come with me to go at the airport So instead of both of us paying for a train fare,

we've both come in my car, I've parked, we've got the tube in, she's got on a standstead. It's the only way we could do it last minute. Wait a second, you parted in Hounslow. Hounslow West so that your wife could get to stand... So that your wife could get to standstead. On reflection, that doesn't make sense, no. That's not easier for her at all.

No. What would have been easier was to buy two train tickets? He's got a loyalty card with Beaver's Lane. Clearly. And on Beaver's Lane, there's an army barrack, and there's a bloke literally in a hut with a gun. Who knows you by name? Opposite your car. All right, Andrew.

Yeah, Steve. Or a sergeant. He's opposite your car with a gun. And I'm like, well, you're car safe. Either that or you're coming back to a controlled explosion. Maybe you should join the military. I think you'd be suited to a life. There's a lot of structure.

There's a lot of structure. Great parking. Lovely perks and loads of order and clarity. I think Katka needs a medal. Your wife, I think she deserves a medal. Do you know what you were saying about earlier about how you deserve a medal? Yeah. I'm going to say, I'm going to give you that medal.

Yeah. And then I'm going to take it away and then I'm going to hand it to your wife. You're going to pop it on her? I'm going to pop it on her. She'll be delighted to hear that, particularly as you know, she fancies you. Check out the big stars, big series and blockbuster movies. Streaming on Paramount Plus. Cue the music.

Like NCIS, Tony and Ziva. We'd like to make up our own rules. Tulsa King. We want to take out the competition. The substance. This balance is not working. And the naked gun. That was awesome.

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Oh, you're all right. Down the pit. This is what I like. He's got proper pictures. Oh my God, you brought the photos in? I thought that was part of it. No, because everyone brings them on their phone, Andrew. Well, I tell you what, was absolutely tragic last night.

Honestly, this sounds like a bit. It sounds like a joke. I showed one of these actual photos to Katka. She's got bad eyesight and she honestly did the enlarge thing on an actual photo. I thought she was joking. You really have to worry when people do it to your face. I could not believe she did it. I thought she was joking.

And then when I realised she did it seriously, I just had to walk out the room. And I said, I'll be telling this first tomorrow. She deserves that couple of days away, babe. She's tired. Yes, she's lost it. She's trying to enlarge a physical photo. So let's look at it. So let's look at this first photo.

So that's a tree house. What's this tree house? What's it all about? I built a tree house. Did you build that? Me and my... Jen loves tree houses. She went on holiday and stayed in one.

I did. I stayed in one in France. Thank you. Was it like that? It was... It would have been better quality than that, surely. Do you know what, though? I'm going to say that is very impressive.

We were 14. That's amazing. Yeah. Could you still do that now or is that like... Yeah, I think... You've got those skills? I could make it better than that now. He did most of it.

though, my mate Leon, we were 14. And the thing I remember about it, we made a conscious decision, we need to make a tree house. Lovely. Because we were like, we're 15 soon. His birthday, September. Mine was October.

We're 15 soon. This is the end of our childhood. Wow. Had you been watching Stand By me, Brian? Yes. Yes, exactly. Yeah, we had. We were like that tree house

and stand by me. We should just rewind and pause that bit. I was fascinated with tree houses as a kid. That does look like the tree house. It's as close as we could get. It had a door on a hinge. It had windows. And no one got hurt.

It's got glazing. It's got felt. Felt roof. Felt roof. No one got hurt. No one smashed a nail through their head or anything. No, just me. No digits got removed.

And it was right next to a builder's merchants. And we went there and my dad is a carpenter who goes in the builder's merchants. So they all knew my dad to any spare bits they would give us. Oh my God. You're making a tree house. Yeah, this. So that's a lot of timber there. That's a lot of materials.

I mean, how long did it take to, because that's an impressive structure? Nearly the whole summer holidays. It was about good four weeks. Every day. Can you see the kids' head poking out? Oh my God. That's Leon.

That's Leon. There he is. So you can see by scale that that is a big tree house. You could stand up in it when you were 14. Do you know what? But structurally, that is sound. It was pretty sound. How do you, I mean, I wouldn't even know.

No one died. No, no. No. I wouldn't even know where to begin to build something. Once you built it, tell me about the pleasures that you had. Was it more the fun of the build than the actual? Well, it definitely was because here's the, I learnt a valuable life lesson from it.

We then individually went on our holidays with our families and I got a phone call where I was on holiday. Treehouse has been knocked down. By how? Look, you look as upset as I was. Wait a second, who knocked down your tree house? I lived in a town where there was a lot of dicks and some of them going past. Jody Edges, I don't mind saying his name on here.

Name and shame, babe. You know you are. He sort of walked past and then anything that anyone else has tried. It's a valuable lesson. Whatever you try and achieve in life, there's always going to be a dick who will try and ruin it. There's one of them. They didn't like the fact we were doing something like that. No.

So they waited to her away. The effort that must have took. Smash it up. It was barely a trace of it. Andrew, I'm living. Oh my God. Didn't get to enjoy it. We literally built it.

Went on a family holiday. They'd come back. It was smashed up. No. Yeah. I didn't want to upset you this much. I thought we'd have more lighthearted chat about a tree house and we'd come back. At the end, I dropped this on you.

That is bad. But you dropped it in his way. What's that bloke's name? Jody Edges. Jody Edges. What an absolute prick. Yeah. This feels like some kind of closure for me.

It's therapy. Therapy. It was not. I do remember that sort of teen mentality. You've got, now having teenagers as well, it's interesting to witness. They really do have to dance the dance between not being too cocky because one of their peers will knock them down.

Knock them down. There is a kind of feeling of like, don't get too big for your boots. Don't look like you're having too much of a good time. Or don't admit to liking anything. Don't admit to liking anything. Because if you like it, someone will go, oh, you don't like that to you.

Oh, that's tragic. It's an awful thing. Yeah. I mean, that is so lovely that treehouse. Thank Christ you've got a picture of it. I know. I know. We still work. I sort of still in touch with Leon.

We don't see each other a lot. Yeah. But every now and again I'll get a message. Like, took my daughter to the tree and showed her where we made a tree house. Oh, God. This is your heartbreaking. What about you and Leon getting together for like a man holiday and building a tree house? Like a sort of therapy thing.

Well, is that a thing? Yeah, why not? Not far off that. He laid the tiles in my utility room. There you go. So he still makes shit together. Useful things. He did it.

The thing about den building, because I remember, I never made anything as impressive as that, and that is impressive. But I did use to, I had a phase of dens, building dens, and it was always more fun to make the den.

Because once you've made the den, we never knew what to do in the den. You just sit in the den, yeah, just sit in it. You become like mini adults. Yeah, you're like, oh, here we are in a den. Yeah, but you go and have a little bag in the den. Yeah, I suppose because you were teenage boys

and you'd be in to stand by me. You could look at porn. Yeah, you go and look at porn in the den. Do you do that? You don't do that? that with someone though do you? I think boys do. Boys did, yeah. You look at it and pretend that you know what's

going on. Yeah. I secretly walk home and go that terrified me. I can admit that now. I just sums up growing up. I remember we we stole a bottle of grouse and we had hidden down Yeah, down an alleyway. We had a stash of porn mags and a bottle

of grouse and we all took it in turns, taking a swig of grouse and looking at porn. I mean, none of enjoyed any of that on any level. I mean, our generation do like to make out that, you know, the internet has ruined childhood. But when you tell stories like that...

Yeah. You're like, I think things have improved a little bit, actually. Now they're vaping, downloading stuff. Yeah. Well, at least you were out and about with your grouse and your porn. You were out of the house. We were getting some fresh air. You weren't at a home wanking on the dark web, were you?

Harry, I don't think you know what the dark web is. What goes on. You don't need to get on the dark web to look a porn, you lunatic. Yeah, but it's a phrase I like. Wanking on the dark web is a phrase that I like. Yeah, well, it does have a ring to it. So where did you grow up? Did you grow up in Oxfordshire?

No, no, I live there now. Okay, but where you, oh right, okay. Make that clear. I grew up in Northamptonshire. So you had to leave your town because you became a comic and there was no local gigs? Yeah. Where did you go? Went to London.

Did you? I went to, I worked in a factory. My brother used to give me a lift after work to Milton Keynes to get a train to London to do a five minute open spot, get a train home. It'd pick me up at like one in the morning. God bless him when he had work the next day. Wow.

And I didn't figure out that you could use a young person rail car. I didn't know what that was. So I was paid 50 quid or something for a return. Didn't know that included the tube, so then paid for the tube to do five minutes. I remember once I went all the way at London, got to a gig, walked in, and there was five people and this bloke was on stage.

I won't mention his name, but he was just doing the gig like he was playing Wembley and one of them turned around and went, look, what do you want? And I turned back, walked out, got on the train, went back home again. Just told the bloke I couldn't find it. Hearing that, I really am,

because I lived in London and it just isn't that, it's so much easier to be a new comic in London. Yeah, that's why I moved to London. Yeah, because you just could just, they were just gigs. There were just loads of them. So I moved, what happened was, this was one of my first opening jokes. My brother's mate moved to Colorado to do the ski season.

So he gave me his room in a really nice house and his job in one of the best pubs in London. So I was like, cheers, mate. Have you got a girlfriend? Opening joke, we're off. What's the next one after Treehouse? You in the pub? You was a teenager in the pub. talking of pubs.

Do you like my link? No, it's not. It's the one about the caving. I was going to go, that's not caving. Oh, is it in a mine? You would hope that. If that was caving,

that would count as some kind of holiday. That is me. I forgot all about that photo and saw it. And it's one of the rare, because like we all know now, there's photos constantly. But when I was a kid, you had one photo sort of,

you know, that would do for your childhood. That'll summarize it. That's pretty much what went down. And is this the one? This is one of the probably three where I've got two brothers, by the way. They're not there. That's clearly an age where they're now teenagers and the family holiday.

They've stayed at home. Well, did they get wind that the family holiday was going to be down on mine? Yeah. Who are you with there? Is that your parents? That's my mum and dad. Why are you down and mine? Clearly that's the early 90s.

Look at that shell suit my mum's wearing that. Absolutely. Banging. Remember those holidays where your mum or dad? had a friend and you'd go and stay with them and that was a holiday and now as an adult you go hang on that weren't a that weren't an holiday there is nothing i can assure as tourism in that package exactly so i spent wait for it once a good thing was a week maybe two weeks summer holidays for my holiday as a child murtha tidville what is that i don't know what that means

I'm a third for Tidfield's just outside Cardiff and that is us going down a coal mine. For a day trip? Yeah. I love how you put the word holiday in a lot of inverted commas. Oh yeah. But actually in your parents' defence

you look fucking ecstatic. I do look delighted, don't know, I don't know what, I mean... You're over the moon with this situation. You look like you're having the time of your life. I'm probably just happy to get away from people shouting scab at me. Oh God, no, it's not in the minor strike.

Is it? No, it's... I'm not, I heard that old. How old do you think it is? Why are they shouting to stab at you? That was eight. I'm joking that it was during this. That must have been the 80s.

I think this looks like this is the late 80s, maybe early 90s. Your mum looks so happy to be wearing that minor's hat and that shell suit. What's going on? Is there a visor on there? That can't be a hair. What's going on? Is that a hair underneath that? Yeah, it's her hair.

Is it? What's like the part of that? That's hair of the early 90s, by the look of it. Wow, that hair looks like it's attached to the, the hat but that's maybe that's the photograph well one of those Scottish hats where there's got a ginger wig under the tartan is uh is that

yeah I had to wear a hard hat recently for like a day out on a sort of thing in Spain and I had to wear one of them Greg nets over my hair and I thought that I'd pushed it up you couldn't see it but all the pictures there's me looking you know I thought quite glamorous

sexy even turns out no construction work of sexy Kerry Yeah. That's what you've gone for. Construction Barbie. But actually, you could see the hair net. I just looked awful.

We'll put that on the website. It just looked awful. I really thought I looked hot. But you looked like one of the dinner ladies. Construction Barbie with just a little bit of net showy. Just doing a Greg shift at lunch. So how old are you in this picture? I should have found that out.

I've got, I can't be more than 10. I'm going to speculate. Yeah, I'd say you're about, yeah, 11 or 12. Lovely curtains. I can see you've got a cut. And you've got those classic 90s baggy jeans. Were you wearing? That's what, when I looked at that, look at the size of them jeans.

Look at the jumper. Look at the belt. If you, if you... You've tucked the jumper into the jeans. My kids would wear that now. That style's back. Were you wearing Timberlands? That is why I don't, I don't know if they were...

No, I wouldn't have been out of four Timberlands. But look at the shoulder of the jumper in relation to where my shoulder is. But their kids do that now. They wear like oversized stuff. That's why it angers me a bit when I see the fashion now. That's the first kind of era where, It's back. You look at it and think,

well, hang on. Hang on, you're wearing what I wore as a kid, ironically. Don't go to urban outfitters. Yeah, I've got, it's 90s. They're not even doing it ironically. They think it's cool. Yeah, I've got horrific childhood. They're sort of re-appropriate.

It's like cultural appropriation. But I remember doing it when we were in the 90s. It's not cultural appropriation, Andrew. That's absolutely. All right, then it's. I remember when it was the 90s and then we were sort of doing the 50s, or in the 80s, that sort of 50s. No, we were doing, bell bottoms.

It's all going on. Bell bottoms came back, bollubies and bees and bees. But what they don't understand is they're minimizing our pain. We've got horrific photos like this. How was this ended up of being about your pain? Look at me. Look at me. That's how it's about my pain.

They can't dress like that. I call it fashion. I should have seen some of the clothes I was wearing when I was your age. I've been picked on for looking like that. That's like thinking it's fashionable. I have ex-mo. You can't decide that's fashion. I think you look great.

Andrew, what were you like as a teenager? Because seeing the man that you are now, I can only imagine you were happy go lucky, carefree, laid back. This is just before you built the tree house, don't forget. Yeah, that's at the tail end of my innocence. Who is this kid? Who is this kid? Who is this kid?

What can you tell us about him? My uncle actually told me he was quite worried about me when he came over. He said the whole summer holidays, before the tree house. He said you just sat indoors and watched the young ones. That was it for the whole summer holidays. Oh, Andrew, that makes me feel quite sad. Can that be true, though? Because people always have like very sort of fragmented memories.

I mean, you literally can't have just sat in and watch the young... You went down to mind, mate. Yeah, yeah. You must be doing the other stuff as well. You had that day out with the grouse and the porn. Yeah, yeah. That wasn't a day out. That was a regular visit.

I mean, if you're doing that with your uncle, there's something wrong, isn't it? No, he wasn't there. Let's not mix up the stories. So, yeah, he didn't know the life you were living. No, no, he didn't. Yeah, good point. He didn't know I was, yeah, sipping grouse and looking at porn on the side. But do you remember being that age and sitting in and watching the young ones all summer.

Yeah, I do. That must have been on video. But, yeah, yeah. But I do, I play, just play, I think that now. When my son, I say, go to the park, find your mates. He goes, I don't know where they are. Yeah, they don't do that. It's like, you can WhatsApp.

We had to go out. They stalk each other, but they don't see. You had to go out. And if your mates were there, you'd play with, they would. You had to go and call for them. Yeah. If they went, there's Tom coming out to play. And his mum went, sorry.

he's already out you're like what and you had to walk around all day trying to find them seeing Tom and Slacky and they go no you're like alright then you find them they go go to go for dinner now

it's your day wasn't it walks around looking for people all day that's right you got your steps in and also like young people now they stalk each other

so they've got that snap thing where they're on a map so they know where all of them are but they don't go and physically seek them out so it's like what do you mean they know where each other are

well they can see where each other are other are on like the stalkers apps. On the Google. I don't think they call stalkers apps. No, but I've got one for my kids. I call it a stalker's app. So I know where they are. I know on a map. I can see where they are. They've got them all. I think it's on Snapchat. It's one of the things on Snapchat. They can see where their mates are.

Oh my God. That's so bizarre. It's so bizarre. But they will not knock for each other. Because I have similarly said to mine, like, why don't you go and knock for it? He's like, that's not a thing. It's not a thing. I bet they don't even knock. No. They just watch that. It's a bit like phoning. No one phones anymore. You got any voice note. And then you start these little, like we're now doing, and your arms are suitably folded,

we just start sounding like old people, moaning about modern life and young people. You're just like, oh, here we are. Back in my house, down a mine. Yeah, you were down a mine and a lit house. That was your idea of a holiday. Wanking in an alleyway. Maybe it's Maybe it's Maybe it's. The New New New Line is such an iconic piece of music.

Hit the track. Everyone in the studio that I worked on this jingle with all had childhood stories or memories. Yeah, work. Around either watching these commercials on TV or sitting with our moms while they were doing their makeup, and it became really personal for us. You know what's better than the one big thing?

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So what's the next one? Is that you down the pub playing Paul with that point? Yes. Now, I know it just looks like... Was that at the Bedford? No, no, no. A bit older. That, that, yeah, now I thought when I went to the pub, I got high.

older some top end fake ID when I was about 15. Yeah. You could remember you could get a year passport when you were a kid. You could get a year's passport. I don't remember. And it was written in biro, a year's passport. So I just rubbed the end really, really faintly and changed it. I had a passport to get served in the pub.

When I was 15, I was getting served in the pub. See, that's another thing they're not doing. What fake ID? Well, I think there's fake IDs around, but they're not going to the pub. Not underage drinking. No, they're not going to the pub. They might be drinking, but they're not doing it in pubs. Young people don't go to pubs.

But also, I don't think underage drinking when we were kids, it's like, oh, I could. You knew exactly the pubs that you could go to to to get up the drink. I used to go down the pub when I was about 15, 16, certainly. But they don't really do it so much. And that picture is very evocative because I can remember. The wallpaper, the curtains. The wallpaper and plain pool, like really getting into plain pool.

And the more pissed I got, the better I got. The better I got. I actually think, I actually, I actually thought I was. really good at pool at one point. And that's because I was... That's because we were pissed. Yeah, we were pissed. But you do...

What's in that pint glass, Andrew? Someone's put the white ball from the pool table in the glass. It hasn't stopped you drinking it, is it? And I've not noticed. Or I've posed with it, one or the other. Probably, probably gone for comedy. So you're 15 now?

And I thought I looked good at that. I mean, I dress pretty much the same now, but it fits properly. Again, I have no concept to wear a shoulder on a top should be. Probably near your shoulder. That was, yeah, that was the look then. But it was one of them pubs.

And I thought everywhere had them and that's what I miss about drinking. I don't drink anymore. I miss that thing of in a pub where everyone knows each other, one of them local town pubs. It was one of them where it was in amongst houses

so you had to know he was there to go there and you walked it. That's why I was kind of ready for stand-up a little bit. I had a bit of training. You know those bits of training you had for stand-up that you didn't even realise.

And one of them was walking in that pub. Everyone knew each other. And you were met with a barrage of abuse. You were walking. But it was done affectionately. Yeah, it was. It was done with affection and love from people you knew. Your mates, everyone had in it.

It was, I remember once walking in there, when I moved away and come back, all I did was wear a black leather jacket, a plain black. I walk in, oh, night rider, night rider, oh, night rider. Tooney, Tooney, Tooney, look, Night Rider. What? Night Rider on Michael, not. Just that. I've got a jacket on, that was it.

You had the nerve to put a black leather jacket on. And walk in in front of people. Did you walk in like this? Did it? Did it? Did it? Did it? Did it?

Did it? You walked in that pub and you kept your head down. Look how happy you are that you remember the theme tune. But you walk in as quick as you could. That bloke, I remember that. I just looked at the photo. The bloke is. the background there

and he's talking he went out of that girl there for ages and it was one of them every weekend they're split up and they're back together Oh we all had one of those

One of those mates They look like they're in the midst of a domestic there So it was a real Everybody knows your name It's cheers Yeah he would And he god bless him

Not only that He used to walk in that pub And the landlord's son With DJ Brett and he knew everyone And he knew everything About everyone Yeah

So sometimes you're walking in and he put on entrance music as you walked in the pub. Oh my God, this pub sounds, it sounds like a sitcom. God bless him. He didn't have a girlfriend until he was there. He was older than us, so he was about 22, 23 and he'd not had a girlfriend. So every, I mean, every time he walked in in the middle of a song, Brett just going, like a virgin. No, no.

Every single time. Oh, that's brutal. I'd stop going to that pub. And it just got to the point. When you've at every time, you just sort of don't even blink anymore. It just got used to it. But I just remember some of the walking music people had. Oh, he's it?

But one of the reasons as well is one of them pubs, and I wanted to ask you if you remember this. I've been telling this on stage. Yeah. You know when you tell a story on stage thinking everyone will go, oh, yeah. And you're not sure they're all... No, they sort of all go, what?

No, maybe one or two will remember it. You're about my age. Yeah. The late night is there'd be a bungee jump in the pub car park. No. See, this keeps happening. There was a bungee jump in the car park. What are you talking about?

It would just be randomly a bungee jump in the car park. Well, not off. You've had a couple of pints and then nip up there and have a little jump. Yeah, that's what happened. A crane pulled up into the car park in the past. What is toast like? Like that. It was like that.

There was... It sounds like like League of Gentle. Yeah, you're not you live in a little highlight zone. That's that, it was it was like just somewhere

look a crane pulled up. Who's that? Right, have you done this sitcom pitch because you need to get this sorted. They, they just remember them going yeah,

bungee jump and everyone's like, what? And then I remember Did anyone die? No, but I remember Because that sounds perilous. I mean, I remember firstly

throwing up at the bare minimum, surely. Firstly, Brett set up the, the DJ booth outside. So he's DJ. Jane in a car park. What people are bungee jumping?

Well, here's the first thing. No one did one for about two hours. So it was just drunk people stood in a car park. Just staring at a crane. And then finally, when someone did one, and I've told this on stage, it never gets a laugh because it's too harsh. This bloke stood up to do it. And he went, right, come on everyone.

First person was going to do it. And he's raising money for a local charity. He's going to do it for charity. Local children's charity. Show your support. Silence. And then just one bloke went, jump, you prick. That was it.

Oh, that is so hard. And then people started doing it and everyone's drunk. There's people, you know, just change was flying everywhere. Oh my God. Yeah. And then she went in down a karaoke.

Have you ever found anyone that had a similar thing in their local? There's been a couple of... No, it was a thing in the late 90s occasionally. At festivals there were. Like, you go to a festival and there was always a bungee jump. Yeah.

There was always, like, whatever festival you went to in the summer, there'd be a bungee jump in the corner at some point. Yeah, it's awful. I've never done it. Don't. I don't.

I don't do it. I feel like your eyeballs are going to come out of your head. Also I did one backwards. What did you do that for? I really threw up. It was really awful. I don't know.

Who was I trying to impress? I did it. I was alone. I was travelling by myself. I was trying to impress myself. Trying to impress myself. Trying to prove something. Oh my God.

But yeah. This pubs just sounds fantastic. I remember they um, like it didn't serve food. They did sausages on a Tuesday for for porn night. But, um... I thought you were going to say, Pornone night.

I was like, what is going on here? . No, we didn't take them in the pub. Your first 20 minutes. Right, lad's, in you get. Did da da da da da da, da, da, da, da, da. Just produce a mag from the jacket. Your first 20 minutes must have been just coming from this fucking pub.

You can literally, like, everything that you said, that is like the mine of material. What was it called? The pub. The pomfret. The pomfret. Pompfert. Yeah, I don't know. I still don't know why.

The Pommie. And it is a thing that I thought was normal. as well that on a Sunday on a Sunday is a thing I thought was normal I can guarantee you it absolutely wasn't go on on a Sunday someone would come around and go right get a Chinese want a Chinese

the lady from beyond the bow just come around with a list and you write your order down for the Chinese on a Sunday not a roast no and then give you you give the money and she'd go down to the Chinese get it all bring it back and if we'll just get a takeaway in the pub but I just think of this poor Chinese about to close at 10

209 chalman did they do lockings I loved lockings at my pub Do they do lockings still Is that a thing still? Because that used to be All of the pubs did lockings I don't love it

You had to get in there Before the locking Or know someone Yeah Because you couldn't get in Once it was locked in The one of my favourite pubs that I used to drink at

When I lived in a house share In South East London in New Cross They had big heavy curtains And when they were closed And you're on the inside And it felt really good to be on the news So special the bar. You'd sometimes sit on the bar and drink on the bar. Yes. Because like you, I don't

really drink as much. I do drink, but I don't, well, that's another podcast. I don't, I don't drink as much, but pub culture's gone. Even though I do drink now and then, I don't drink in pub. That's the thing that I miss as well. He's pub culture. He used to, he used to lend, I've told this, I'm telling this on stage in my show at the moment, the thing about the landlord Roy, used to lend people money to drink in his pub. Right? And then you'd have a lock in, it'd fall asleep beyond the bar, so you'd have to go and pull yourself a drink and pay for it with a money he's lent you.

Bloody hell. What a landlord. So we've got a picture here of your wife, Katka. She appears to be laughing. We can't see her face. She could be crying. She is crying with laughter. Why is that?

It's a very fond photo. During Christmas because I can see the Christmas car from the background. She's rapping presents. Now, it's a proper gig story. This, I don't know if you try and avoid talking about stand up too much. No, we're happy to talk about it. This is proper, proper gig death story. So, here we go.

It starts off. It's a perfect storm. It's Black Friday before Christmas. Yeah. Right. I'm doubling up, I'm doing Banbury Mill, which was lovely all families and stuff. Tried a few new bits.

But I've got to leave and get on stage at Birmingham. That was jonglers. It's now just a tonic. Oh, my God. Broad Street. That is a horrendous gig. I hate that gig. So I've parked ground.

I've ran him in a rush. I've literally got to run in the building, shine my phone to let Dave Longley know that I'm there so he can introduce me. God, that's too tight. I'm really anxious. He's arguing with the front row sound. I'm not bringing the front. Did you do this gig? I don't seem to remember it. You would have done it. It was always awful. I would have done it because I did the jonglers clubs. I don't think I'd done it as a jongler. No, no. You would have done it as a jonglers.

Birmingham. It was always awful. It was always hard. It was like a nightclub. I must have done it because I did all the jonglers. Right, yeah. But I've shut it out. Yeah.

I've shut it out. I can't shut the gigs I did there out. They were really bad. So this, so this was that and Black Friday before Christmas, full of works dues. Dave Longley, uh, the first act on was basically just shouted abuse at people.

what they wanted. Dave Longley's arguing. I go on, this is where it was my fault a little bit. I went on very casual few observations about Christmas thing. I should have seen... Stuff that works, babe. Should have seen what I just done in Bambury. They'll love this. And yeah, very quickly

just this hum of background. You're not in Bambury anymore. Constant talking, yeah. My brain, when your brain goes abort, abort, material, material, go material. So I go in a material, right? And there's a table of blokes on my right. who are just constant

Gary, Gary, go ahead, get a JD and I very politely and friendly with, lads, you can't talk that loud you know, trying to be charming and nice and he goes, well, wait for a joke, wait for a joke. Oh no. And I said, I said, I'm already anxious. Well, I'm waiting for an audience

thinking they'd be on my side because he was so aggressive. You've bounced them into good times. I don't know if you've ever had this. 200 people, in unison, booed. Never been booed. all of them, booed. Because they took it that you were slagging them off.

Slagging them all off, yeah. As a unit, they are the audience. All booed, proper, like pant-like people think stand-ups, they think, have you ever been booed? And we always go, no, that doesn't happen. But you have. That did happen. 200 of them, booing constantly.

At Christmas. Christmas. And I try. You have a Black Friday. Black Friday. So I've tried to do a Bill Burr of refusing to leave. You know the Philly thing, Philadelphia video of Bill. Bill Burr.

Tell our listeners what that is. Will he get... Bill Burr got booed by a whole stadium of people and just abused them and took the Mick out of them until he won them over. Right. I tried to do that but without his ability or sportsman. Which was basically me... And also, you had 20 minutes.

Yeah. No, it was 30. It was... I had to do 30 at Christmas. And this booing happened within the first... Four minutes in. Oh, jeez. So I've got 26 to go.

So it's descended into me just going. How would it just walked off? No, I don't know what it was. It's Christmas. You want your money. You need money. I'm taking my fucking money. I would have got paid anyway.

It was more out of spite for them that I was refusing to leave. And this bloke, I just descended into me going, you've got a pink shirt tucked into stonewashed jeans, mate. And you're judging me. How did that go? Tables of people leaving. There was a bloke on the left. He went, carry on, mate. Carry on.

I went, they don't hate me. And I pointed out another bloke. He doesn't hate me. I pointed out another bloke. I went, he doesn't hate me as a d'I. did it he just shook his head slowly. I fucking do. And while I'm getting booed, I can just see the silhouette of Dave Longley at the back

jumping up and down with excitement. Oh, Dave would have absolutely loved it. I mean, he would have been in tears. I loved it. And then the bit, now this is the bit that I'm ashamed to admit, but I feel you should know, just before that, I'd been supporting McIntyre on tour. Now, I know it's name dropping that, but it's all right because it reflects back. Sadly on me.

I heard myself out loud at this gig saying to this audience. I support. This time last month, I was supporting Michael McIntyre at Wembley. Fair enough. I'm now dying on my ass to you pricks in Birmingham. At that point I could see security coming in. The DJ had to play music to get me off stage. I'm still angry now.

I had three minutes left. I was nearly there. And he played music. And I walked up and then. came back on and did like a fake bow of an encore and then here's the bit where I had to be, because of how violent it was getting, I had to be escorted to my car by two security. What, they were going to come for you? Yeah, people in the audience.

Have you never done a gig where they've come after me? They've come for you. No. Security. You haven't lived. I have never had to be escorted to my car from my own safety after a gig. Oh, I have. Now, after that, at the time you got the adrenaline you're doing the gig.

But after I was a bit sort of shaken and shocked. couldn't believe it after him. I rang Jared Christmas to discuss it with him. You need to speak to Jared. You need to speak to a comedian. You need a debrief. So I speak to him and he goes, what do you think Catcrow say, your wife?

What do you think she'll say? She'll find it hilarious. That photo is me telling her that I was booed off stage and had to be escorted to my car by security. I had time to get my phone out and take a photo of her laughing. That's how long she was crying of laughter.

She's got that comedian brain. Look. Oh, that is. But in a way, that's what you... I needed, yeah. That's what you need. There was another photo after she's literally telling me to stop because she couldn't handle it.

She was near the winner. It was when I said the sentence, I had to be escorted to my car. She lost it completely. Has she been to loads of gigs with you? Yeah, she actually mentions you, where her non-comedians might not find this that funny or quite get what she she's got uh um an anxiety of doing stand-up from a gig we

did together jester's bristol she remembers it because you were heavily pregnant at the time and it was that one i only did it the once where behind as you walk on you can see the whole audience before you backstage you can see like you have to walk out of i bet you can't and there's a balcony you can see them all and she went and it's darkness and you just see the silhouettes and she went, it's the first time she saw what it looks like to be on stage. Yeah. Oh, is it like that? I was like, yeah.

Yeah. And she then started having anxiety dreams about doing stand-up, right? And then she had a dream once, honestly. She woke up in the morning. She's half asleep. She went, oh, God, I had another dream that was doing stand-up. She went, I was doing a banana cabaret. And then she said, honestly, she said, I died on my ass, which is weird,

because I dreamt I did it last week and it went really well. Thank you so much. Thank you. Go see Andrew Bird on tour. You can check out his tour dates on his website. www. Andrew Birdcomedian. comedian.

Not only will you have a great night out of comedy, you'll also find some parking tips. Oh, you have some great tips. I'll talk you in. I'll do an Instagram before the gig. I'm Max Rushton. I'm David O'Daraddy. And we'd like to invite you to listen to our new podcast.

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