Memory Lane with Kerry Godliman and Jen Brister - S02 E22: Ian Stone

Episode Date: November 29, 2023

"I'm looking down at about two thousand skin heads... Most of them doing Nazi salutes..." The wonderful and brilliant Ian Stone brings in some photos (and stories) from his life to talk about. Photo 01 - On the tube to a Jam gig Photo 02 - My nan and her look to my dad Photo 03 - Stand up (probably) in Mumbai Photo 04 - Meeting my Arsenal heroes Photo 05 - Glastonbury with Jen and Kerry Photo 06 - A DELICIOUS FIG You can buy a copy of Ian's BRILLIANT book here... https://www.amazon.co.uk/Be-Someone-Stone-Ian/dp/1800180845/ref=sr_1_1?crid=J97HSZCNIMO0&keywords=to+be+someone&qid=1700002904&sprefix=to+be+so%2Caps%2C79&sr=8-1 ...Couldn't recommend it more!!! PICS & MORE - https://www.instagram.com/memory_lane_podcast/ A Dot Dot Dot Production produced by Joel Porter Hosted by Jen Brister & Kerry Godliman Distributed by Keep It Light Media Sales and advertising enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Let me get the cat off the coleslaw. Get off. Let me get the cat off the coleslaw. Get down. I feel like we should have started because otherwise we've missed get the cat off the coleslaw and that's probably been, that's actually Pete. Hello and welcome to Memory Lane.

I'm Jen Bristair and I'm Kerry Godleman. Each week we'll be taking a trip down Memory Lane with our very special guest as they bring in four photos from their lives to talk about. To check out the photos we'd be having a natter with them about. They're on the episode image and you can also see them a little bit more clearly on our Instagram page. So have a little look at Memory Lane podcast. Come on, we can all be nosy together. So what did you do with your day off? Did you do anything nice? Sorry, my phone

is being really annoying. When I say my phone is being annoying, people keep contacts in me, which I find irritating. What did I do? I went for a swim, Kerry. I went for a swim. In the sea? Yeah, in the sea. And it was, um, oh, it was, lush. I really, really, really enjoyed it. It was cold, but very, very lovely. And I went with Clow and what we do is we really bond when we get in cold water together. That's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's a moment of like, um, what's coldest, what, what hurts the most? Uh, my collarbone. Uh, sometimes we will, isolate points and sometimes I don't even.

know that those points are cold until Chloe points them out. So she'll go, oh my god, my vagina, and I can't feel it. And then I'll go, oh, I can't feel mine either. She's like, what? Sounds really romantic to go with your life partner into the sea and stop feeling your genitals. Yeah, sometimes we can be like, I can feel the left flap, but not the right. When do you isolate your flaps? There's no other time that you isolate that part of your body until you're in really cold water. You're like, wow. the right one's coping. It's like a meditation.

It's like micro-identifying of units of your body. Anyway, I don't think I'm selling cold water swimming to anyone now, but people always forget, November, it's still not that cold. Yeah. The sea's not as cold as the Lido. No, it is not as cold as, it's, where you swim, are you still going into the Lido? No, I stopped, no. But I remember being around your house in November, end of November time.

And I think Ben had just come back from the Lido and he looks. Yeah, Ben keeps it up. He looks really like he'd had a terrible time. Yeah, he's a bit of a maniac. His dad, our shorthand, you know when you have a couple shorthand, my shorthand with Ben for, have you overdone it? Have you done a baz? His dad's called Barry and he used to do like, he overdoes it.

Like he'll run around the wreck in walking boots in January, like, punishing, self-punishing fitness levels. You know when people go in too hard and you're like, what about self-love, babes? Yeah. And he will do crazy. Like when we were in India, Ben once did like, we ate a birriani and he did like 35 sun salutations and we go, look, you've bazed it.

That's too much. What? No one need to do 35 sun salivations, particularly on a birriani. You don't want to go down with that, do you? It was very ill-judged, very ill-judged. I mean, so yeah, sometimes I say to Ben, don't go to the Lido today because you'll be basing it. Do you think that's a bloke thing? I don't want to make huge generalisations about men, but I think there's a little bit of them that go, yeah, because I'm a bloke and testosterone and I must to prove to me.

myself that I can. Yeah, there's that sort of punishing, that sort of self-punishing vibe. There is a little bit of that. Although after watching Zoe on Celebrity S-A-S, women do it too. Sure, sure. But it was so nice to see Zoe at your birthday. Oh, my birthday. Let's talk about your birthday.

Let's talk about your birthday party, which was really fun. Oh, thank you for coming. I know that it was a massive pain in all the flats for you to be there. But I really, really appreciated it. Um, yes, huge sacrifices were made. Um, but I really enjoyed it. It was fun. And the curry was great.

Did you? Did you have a good time? Yes, I did. I stayed pretty much to the end, didn't I? Good. Yeah, good. The curry was amazing. The food was a real.

Curry was great. It was an absolute banger that curry, wasn't it? And, and I arrived late. Oh, there was still food. Although there was none left at the end. It definitely got, it got scrammed. It was pretty much scammed. It was pretty much scammed when I arrived, actually.

I was really, and there was a nice representation. of lady comedians. I thought, you know, this is good. After 20, how many years in comedy? 20 odd years in comedy. And other than Ian Stone, all the comedians were women. Yeah.

Ian was really holding up the male contingent, wasn't he? Otherwise, there was Lucy Porter, Sarah Kendall, Joe Brand, Aisha Hazraika, Angela Izzy, Angela Barnes. It was a nice. Zoe lines. Zoe, of course. Yeah.

Yeah. It was lovely. Fun. But yes, I had a dance. I had lots of hugs. I loved Ben's band band. Ben's band was so fun. It was so fun. Their chaise loge, I will take.

Oh, yeah. Their wet leg tribute was quite something. That's when my ears pricked up. I went, hello, here we go. It was really quite special. That's when the shoulders started by. after my party I reckon I'm going in hard on 51 are you the only problem is people won't do it will they they'll be like no Kerry we did this we did this last year we're not doing it again 100% I will not be there at 51 that's too much that's too much for any friendship two parties are back to back 12 months apart that's too much for anyone to get

could be this wanker that's who listen I have to go in a minute because I've got to put I've got to get the cat off the coal store and I've got to put like the kids tea on. And I've got, I'm going to an award ceremony tonight because I've been nominated for an award. What? This is incredible. Why didn't we open with this? What's the award? It's an audio award for a podcast, a narration award. What? Best narrator for that stolen hearts thing that I did ages ago.

Best narrator. You've got nominated. Do you know what? This, you know what this is a stepping stone for? This is a stepping stone for you to win another award for another podcast. this one. Yes. Yes, I'm glad that you've got the hint that I was talking about this one. Yeah, yeah. Definitely. All right, okay. So, who are we talking to? Oh my God, Ian. Did I show, I just showed Joel this picture. This is a picture we should include because this, I love this photograph that my friend took of me and Ian. Oh, that's a great picture. Isn't it fun? That's such a great picture. Yeah, it's a really good picture. Oh, well, we'll put that up on the instance. I loved it, Ian. And he came, actually, he came over to me.

and he was like, I really enjoyed the podcast. He was such, it was such a delight to talk to him. I wish I had a copy of your book. Are these pictures from your book? No, that one is. Right. The others aren't. Right, okay, fine, fine.

You see, it's hard when you're doing it with a mate. It's harder with a mate. It's easier in some ways. Let's not have any formality. Should we just, have we started? I started anyway. Every fucking one is That's how it starts

Are we allowed to swear? Oh God Are you joking? Can you? I don't know I just don't know Fine I will

Have you been shouting swear words in a bucket To get them all out of his No I'm just Can't fuck No no Are you allowed to swear?

I'm happy to swear If it comes up I hope it does No Of course not It would just be a natural It would be like Let it'll bubble up

naturally To the surface I loved your book and it's available at all good bookshops. It is. Yeah. And it's basically, just before we go into the photos, just give us a, because they're connected, the book and the photos that we're going to be talking about today.

It's all connected because it is a memoir. It is. Part social history, part autobiography and part love letter to Paul Weller and the Jam. Who I met through the book, you know about this. He phoned me up. What? It's so weird.

Matt Lucas, who's a mutual friend, Could you get the book to Paul? And he went, Paul. Leave it with me. And he went, yeah, yeah. So he got the book to Paul. He got the book to Paul.

And I'm getting, I'm getting text with screenshots from Matt, with Paul's text going, I love you all, mates, but I'm going to phone him up. And then he phoned me up. What? One morning, about 10 o'clock. And he goes, hello, Ian, it's Paul Weller. I don't want you to go, I know. I've heard you almost a million times.

And I was all like in Suicant. Oh, hey, Paul. How are you? Like, you know, like a regular thing. And he goes, I loved your book. I've forgotten how shit it was in the 70. and I went, can I use that as a quiet in the front covers? No way.

He said to me. Yeah. And then we had a bite to eat a few weeks later. Yeah, I met him at a gig. Yeah, I remember. And I met him at a gig. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got invited to this thing in Wilton Hall somewhere in these days.

Oh, yes, I know that venue. And him and Suggs were doing some radio show. And I met him in this falafel place and we had a bite to eat. Oh, how lovely. It was really nice. That must have been bizarre. Yeah, a little bit bizarre. But remember, he's, I'm not just like, oh, hey, Paul.

we're all great. He's read the book. So he's asking me about comedy and what... Isn't that a brilliant thing? When you make a thing, you create a thing, a book or a show or whatever, and then it takes you to somewhere you wouldn't have gone had you not made the thing. Yeah, but to your hero.

To someone that you, through your child, you know, through your adolescence, you mean, you followed the jam around and, you know, you were such a huge Paul Weller fan. And then... It's a kind of... It's a kind of... Full circle. A dinner. And he's just a man.

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Where do you begin? At the beginning. I don't know. Pick one. Well, let's go. I kind of like to do it chronologically. So I feel like this picture here of you on, is it on the tube? Yeah, it's on the tube.

I remember when the tubes look like that. It's on the tube, yeah. I remember those seat covers. Northern Line? Do you know what? It might well be the Northern Line, actually. Or the Bakerloo? It's one of those two.

It's me and on the left is Simon and on the right is Warren. These are my, these two are the mates who I went to the jam gigs with. Really? Yes. And how old are you in this picture? 18, 18. And for some reason, and I don't know for sure, but almost every photo of me at that point is me sort of with me head up. He's a great face.

Yeah, but I think it's something to do with my nose, if I'm totally honest with you. I think I'm trying to make my lows look like a normal size. Yeah, you can laugh. Pretty hilarious. Three smartphones, you've already worked out angles. Yeah, yeah, it's true, yeah. I was ahead of Instagram by 40 years. Anyway, and it's early in the morning.

I have no idea who took it, but it's early in the morning. A rare thing to get these photos. Well, yeah. I mean, it was, Simon had it. Who's taking the photos? Can't be a selfie, can it? No, no, no, we didn't do selfies. No one was doing selfies then.

It was 1979. And selfies. And it was actually a bloke under a little sort of black hood. And it actually came out upside down and we turned it over. He yelled out. Bapoo! And we're on the way. That photo is really early in the morning and we're on the way to...

No, sorry, that photo is quite late at night. We're on the way to Houston Station to get the overnight train to Glasgow. to go and see the jam at Lot Lohman Festival. Oh, wow. That is where we were going that night. God, I never had of Lot Loma Festival. Was it like a, like, who else was on the build? That, it was the Eurythmiks who were on,

or actually, whoever they were before the Eurythes. It was Dave Stewart and Annie Lennox. Right. Who else? I can't remember many of the others. There was a heavy metal day on the Saturday, and then there was a sort of more punk and new wave day on the Sunday. Wow.

And the jam were on, and stiff little fingers as well. Remember them? Yeah. Just little fingers, alternative holster. You're looking at me. I've heard of them. I mean, I've heard of them, but I don't, I'm not familiar. I mean, it's a punk and sort of New Wave Day.

And we went up there to see them. What an adventure. It was the first time I'd ever been in Scotland. First time, had no idea what anyone was saying. The entire time, I was there. They bet they loved you. Three London lads up in Scotland. It was brilliant.

We got taken in. We couldn't put the tent up. I was going to say, where did you stay? No, we had a tent, but we couldn't put it up. But you're so practical. Yeah. Yeah, I know. I know.

They looked at me the other two. I'm surely you know how to do this. Yeah, I couldn't put the tent up. So we managed to find two blokes from Dundee. You always need two blokes from Dundee. Two blokes from Dundee. There is another photo which is not part of this. Yeah.

Which is me and Warren, one of those guys and these two guys from Dundee. And somebody come up to me at a gig about six months ago and said, that's my dad. What? That's my dad. They put us up in their tent, these two guys. They said, come in. We think they said come in. I don't know what the hell.

They said, and we slept in their tent. And everyone's outside singing, burn the English, kill the English. We thought we'll stay in the tent. And it was a brilliant adventure. It was in this place in Bear Park. We called Bear Park, about seven miles outside of Glasgow. Not Lomond. Absolutely beautiful.

And how long did you stay up for? We stayed up for the night. So we saw the gig. So we got there early the next morning. We got the overnight train. Had you seen the jam before, prize of that? Loads of times. Right, right, right.

So this is like another gig. You stalks them. Let's be honest. Paul. Okay, Tom. You're going to Scotland. We're coming at Scotland. Outside his house.

Followed them all over the country. I went to Manchester, Birmingham. Wow. Went to Paris. You were a groupie? You were a groupie? We had a little snog around the back of the rainbow theatre.

Was it, Paul? Bo. Was it? Well, I hope so. Snog. Bruce or Rick. Yeah, and I did. I followed them around the country.

Wow. And Simon and Warren were there most of the way. And we went to Brighton. You were schoolmates with these two? I was schoolmates with Simon. Warren was a few years older, but they used to go to Chelsea together. And we got to know, and we were all fans of the jam, and we just hung out. It was absolutely brilliant.

Sounds it. I mean, and Brighton, I remember going to the Brighton sent. There's another guy who's not in that photo called Robert. And we got to Brighton, and then for some reason we decided to phone home. Robert phoned home and his mother. He comes out of the phone, but says, I've got to go home. I went, what, what do you mean? You've got to go home.

I didn't tell her I was out. What guilt? The guilt got him. Well, she basically said, you've got to get back. And he did? So he missed the gig? We sold his ticket. Yeah.

You learned like, oh, we'll join you. No, we won't. No, I mean, we laughed it for 10 minutes and he sloped off. What about your mom and dad? What would they have said? They were all right with it? Well, no, they couldn't give a shit. Really?

You were just free to go. You know what happened? I mean, I used to live. leave, I used to go off and I went to see motorhead at the Stafford Bingley Hall in 1979. I was 16 and I went and I and we used to live about half mile from the M1

so I said to my mum in the morse I'm off didn't you? I hitched you hitched and I hitched and this bloke picked me up and he goes on a motorbike he turns up and he goes where you going I says I'm going to go and I said I'm going to go and see motorhead at Stafford Billy Hall and he had a motorhead on the back of his leather jacket and I got a lift on the motorbike

all the way up my mum didn't have a clue really? My dad couldn't give a shit My mum didn't have a clue. So off I went. Wow. So when you didn't turn up at night, what did your mum think? Was she worried? I never asked her.

I love it. The communication is strong. I mean, I know when you're young and it's liberating in the freedom or whatever, but now looking back, did you think, oh, bloody hell, you were in danger, maybe? Well, I wasn't in danger. I never felt. I mean, there was a weird thing. My mum wouldn't let me go see the jam in the centre of town, right?

Because it was at night. But she let me go to these football matches when I'm third. 13 and 14. I'd say it were 8 o'clock on a Saturday. I'm going to Stoke, right? And I'd go at a stoke on the football special, get chased down the street, get into fights, got knocked down by a police horse in Bristol, got chased back to Lyme Street Station for three miles. I had a sheepskin coat. I mean, I was so hot. And my mum didn't have a clue about any of this. Really? And I didn't tell her? Because why would I? Why didn't she? What was going on there? Was she just... Well, you've read the book.

That's a different... It was a very... was a very toxic, horrible house where her and my dad was screaming at each other pretty much the entire time. They didn't really pay attention to what I was doing. I think your mom was also very depressed. My mum was massively depressed, took a load of tablets trying to kill herself. I mean, all sorts of shit. So you were just out of there? My dad, I don't want to be in this house. I was either in my room listening to the jam and other music or I was out. God. I mean, I didn't really, I used to and you were out a lot. I was out a lot. I mean, it's so good, because you've got, you know, you've got two sons. And And if you think about them and they, I mean, they, I know that you've got such a great relationship with your sons.

But like, can you imagine them just going, right, Dad, I'm off. And then you not knowing and not worrying and not. Well, it's a different time now, isn't it? I know it's a different time. We know where our kids are. Well, I do because I've got a tracking app. You've got a stalking app. It's a stalking app.

It feels like you've got like a. You want to see where they are right now. See, that's interesting because I've never had that. But no, it was different. When I grew up, you know, you'd go off in the morning, you'd come back at night. Yeah, I mean, there was no fun connection, none of that. But my mum would have shit the bed if I'd just disappeared and I didn't come back. Also, going to get.

Like, even though one of my fondest memories of teen gig attendance was my best friend, Despinner, was a massive Beastie Boys fan. And her mum, she's from a Greek family and her mum is very strict. And the condition was, you can go and see the Beastie Boys and run DMC at the Hammersmith Apollo, but I'm coming. And it was the year when they had a dancing girls in cages and an enormous cock that came on the back of the stage and I'd rock through a can and it hit a girl on the head

and they didn't come back for 10 of years. And her mum, I didn't go. Desperna went with her mum. I wasn't allowed to go. And her mum just stood at the back, just, I'm sure, looking like what my dad calls a bulldog chewing a wasp. Just fucking appalled.

And Desperna was down the front, just moshing to the beastie boy. But her mom was there, but you were at these things just loose. I went to Sham 69, the Rainbow Theatre, which is now like some sort of Christian fellowship place. But it was a brilliant gig. I saw Queen there, I saw the Jam Loads Police. Sham 69's really familiar.

Sham 69 were a ridiculous band. They were essentially a pub rock band. And all their fans were skinheads, right? And so I'm basically at this gig with my mate, Paul, who were like 15, 16 years old, were two Jewish kids. We're on the balcony. I'm looking down at about 2,000 skinheads.

Most of them were doing Nazi salutes. Oh, my God. It's like a Nuremberg rally. Oh, my God, Ian. But it was insane. I'm watching it. And the fights broke out. There were three stoppages at the gig,

because massive fights broke out. And then some enormous skinhead got on the stage, put his foot through the drum kit. This bouncer came out, and they started fighting. Then the curtain came down. And this plate came up behind us. And he went,

I think it's time to leave, lads. I thought, yeah. I think you're all right. I have never seen anything. You're scared? I was going to say. Was it thrilling? I don't know.

I mean, I don't know. It wasn't like... They weren't Daleks. They can get up the stairs. No, they can. They can. Get up the skinheads. So stupid.

They couldn't even work out. How did you get out there, mate? I don't know. I could see Jews up there. And it was... We weren't overtly Jewish. And we weren't, I wasn't wearing the skull cap or, you know, sitting there. Siddick gear.

I just like Sham 69. They were ridiculous. Do you know what they sound? He used to sing a song called Ballstall Breakout. Right. So do you not remember, hurry up Harry? Hurry up, Harry, come. Yes.

We're going down the pub. All of them sounded like that. Every single song. I have no idea where I liked them. Do you know what there was a band that used to cover adverts? Was it half man half biscuit? They used to do like, they go, one, two, three, four. You can't get better than a quick, pivit, you can't get better,

you can't get better, quick, quick, we're the boys who do. And then they'd have a break. Then they'd go. How do they do it? I do it all do it. You can bet they can do it. It sounds a bit like then. Yes. Yes. I've forgotten that. Do it all over. Let's go back a bit. So where did you grow up in North London?

I was in Holston. That's where it was in North West London. A bit of a rough area. Yeah. Yes. So I grew up there and my grandfather and my grandmother, we lived in a big house with my grandfather and grandmother on my dad's side and they lived downstairs they had my granddad had a tailor shop right that's a very dewy thing and it really and when he came over and he was a tailor and so they lived downstairs and me and my mum and dad and then my sister in the last couple of years lived upstairs oh wow five-story massive house and then when my granddad died in 19704 we had to leave the house so we ended up in West Hendon okay and And then my real memories from that are just listening to my parents telling each other to fuck off.

Oh, God. Yeah, it's great. And no talk of splitting up. They were going to stick it out. Well, it just wasn't done, I suppose. My mum was working. She could have done, but I don't know, I don't know why she didn't leave him. I don't know why she didn't leave him.

Listen, they got together in 1958. Right. They got married, November 1958. He took her to Bournemouth for their honeymoon. First day, he took her to Bournemouth against Brentford in the English 4th Division. I can't believe she didn't bid him off in. I mean, I really can't. They didn't even have seats.

They stood up. She should have read card in. You're out. The right was on the wall, I mean, yeah, but she stopped with him for 21 years. But people did then. And I think also if your parents, I'm trying to remember this bit of your book,

but if your parents were quite religious or were quite socially conservative, you know, that wasn't really an option. And also financially, maybe your mom didn't feel like she had the security to be on her own as well. I think is all of that. I think there's a religious thing. You've got to get this thing called a get in order to get divorced.

It's a document that Jewish people need in order to get divorced. And that was proving problematic. My dad was a prick. Still is, incidentally. Right. He's almost 92, and I see him, and I saw him the other day. And we have a laugh, but he's always been a prick. And one of the photos, you'll see is my dad and me looking with my grandmother, Cissy.

and... Which was it? The black and white one. It's a black and white one taking at my sister's wedding. I included that because the way that my grandmother is looking at my father. It's a lovely look.

Well, it is essentially the sun shines out of his eyes. Yeah. But that is what made him behave as badly as he did. Really? Because she did everything for him. So he sort of expected everyone else to do everything for him.

Guys never cooked a meal. Never, never changed one nappy, which is mine, and he still talked to. about it. I mean, he is real, you know, in the book, I said he was the most useless adult human

I've ever met in my life, right? And I said to, I said to him about it and he read the book. I said, what do you think about when I said that? And he went, oh no, no, I don't mind that, because it's true. Oh my God. Proud of it.

Totally proud of it. Yeah. That whole idea of that masculinity being, well, that's, you know, I'm not going to like, you know, reduce myself to doing women's work. Exactly that thing. And I'm actually proud of that, you know,

because I'm a true guy. And so I blame him. I mean, they should never have got married. No. They should never have got married. But he behaved terribly. And what age were you when you sussed him out? When you worked out that he was this prick?

That's an interesting point, Angie, because I could, they were shouting at each other. To be honest, I sort of blame my mum for a lot of it early on. Jewish boys and their mothers. You can't blame the mum and the, it's all mum blame. Yes. It's always mum blam. It is. Mum get it. Mum's always get it.

Mum's always get it. Because they're around. Because I think as I've got older, I've realised what was going on. My dad was behaving terribly and my mum couldn't handle it. My mum was slightly deluded. She was going to have this, you know, be the princess and be looked after by her husband. Right. And she wasn't bright in that way.

But it was his fault. It was absolutely his fault. And they, yeah, he behaved terribly. But once a kid has worked that out, like whatever age that are you. you know, early teens or whatever, and you go, hang on, I, I can see who my dad is. I can see him. Yeah. And then you go, I, that will shift you.

That will shift your development. Honestly, I didn't want much to do with either of them. Right. Really. I mean, like I say, hence you being out of the house quite a lot. Hence, either being in my room or out of the house. Yeah. Most of, I mean, really, West Hendon, from when I was 11, I spent almost all my time in my room or out.

Right. I mean, I don't, we had one, I think we had one meal together in all that time. Bloody hell. It wasn't that, you know. How did you find, like, having your own family then, if you've got, because when people refer to family life that's being tricky, once you have children become a parent and you go, oh, I haven't done this, haven't done holidays as a family and meals as a family, because you didn't do it.

I needed a bit of sorting out. Really? Yeah, therapy and Rosie going, stop it. This is how it works. Yeah. But once I, once I got it, I thought, well, this is much more pleasant. than people telling each other to fuck off. I mean, I tell this story on stage.

My mum used to look at my dad sitting over the far corner of the room and go, Oye, and call him over and he'd come over and he'd go, what? And she'd go, fuck off. Oh my God. And then they'd disappear in the separate rooms in the house. And the truth is, I didn't know my mother's name

until I was 17, right? Because nobody ever said it in the house. Fucking hell. You know, or you. Bloody hell. It was grim. So when does humour come into it? Like when, because it's got to be a coping strategy, isn't it?

My mum was always pretty funny. And my grandmother, in that photo, she was funny as well. My grandmother, Sissy, she wanted to be a dancer. But my grandfather put his foot down and went, no, that's not a job. You're married to me. So she, but she always had that about her. I used to go around there quite a bit, even when there's a grown-up. It was very handy.

She used to live opposite Wembley Stadium. So when there was a big game at Wembley, I used to park around the back in her parking space. And somebody would lean out of the window. You can't part there. And I go, no, I'm going to see. I can. I'm going to see the name at number 87. And I go around there for a bit of lunch, then go out the game, and then wander back,

have a bit of tea, wait for all the traffic to go. And then it was perfect. Oh, that sounds like. So you were close to your grandmother? Yeah. Closer to your grandmother than you were to your, to your mum or your dad. Yeah, I think in the, really, my grand, I saw a lot on my grand. I used to take her to visit my granddad's grave a few times.

I'm sort of looked after her. We're in the Jewish cemetery. one time she goes to me she couldn't remember where the grave was you know he's got a code like G7 or whatever it's a grid and she couldn't remember and I said we've got any clues and she goes it's near the

Coins and I went it's a Jewish sympathy you're going to have to be more specific than that and we were pissing ourselves we're sort of crying and laughing in this savage and everyone's walking past go what the hell oh no she was great but I used to call her out the thing about Sissy

she'd phone me up and I go Hey, hey, and she go, I can't speak. I can't speak. And I used to go, well, what hell are you doing, phoning me up then? And she goes, stop it, stop it. But we had that sort of relationship where we could talk to each other. Yeah, which must have been a lifeline. She was the one, really.

Her and my auntie arey, with the two relatives. And I still see my aunt, Irene, still around. She's like 95. And was she nearby as well? No, she was, when my mum tried to kill herself, I was shipped off to my aunt Irene's. How old were you? It was 13, 14. Bloody helly.

I was shipped off. I remember being carted off a blue light outside, and I remember her being taken away. She took an overdose of Valium or something. And I was shipped off to my Aunt Irene's for a couple of weeks. And this is how fucked up it all was, right? So this is, I don't know when this is, 76, 77. My mum's taken off to hospital and giving even more drugs to whatever, calm her down or something.

I go off to my Aunt Irene's. And when I come back two weeks later, it's never mentioned again. What? Never. I remember you saying this in the book that not only did you have to experience trauma. It's a big trauma. But it's never referenced again. You're never included in any of the conversations that may or may not be having.

Obviously, doesn't seem like any conversations were having. I mean, that must have been so, I don't know, like I can't. even imagine what that must have been like to have gone through that and then be almost gaslit because you're not allowed to talk about how it traumatised you it was that that whole time was weird though but you know what happened I went when when the boys were younger and we went to this scud this Montessori school yeah hamsters lovely school right and we met some really nice parents and we went we were at dinner party we had a dinner party around there one time six eight of us I think it was eight of us and the kids are playing another room and I start telling

stories about my childhood, including that stuff that I've just said and various other bits and pieces. And I was suddenly aware of them sort of sitting there open mouth looking at me like, oh my God. These are not typical family memories. And I had never until that point, so remember

at this point, I'm in my 40s at this point, mid-40s, until that point I had no idea that, I don't know why, I had no I just didn't think that they were that special. Bloody hell. But then you say it and people are looking at you like, oh my God. And I thought, oh, okay, pretty grim, isn't it?

Tell us the next picture then. Is this the one of you doing stand up at the comedy store? I think it's in India, actually, to be honest. Oh, in Mumbai? I think it might be in Mumbai. Oh, wow, yeah. Do you know what it is? I think that might be the best picture that has ever been taken of me.

I don't think I've ever looked better. You look so happy. Do you know what? You really, honestly. you look like Elliot. Do I? Yeah, in that photograph, you look just like your son Elliot.

Yeah. Just in that picture, I'm like, when I'm looking at you, I'm like, oh, there's Elliot right there. I just, look, you know, you know it's my happy place. You look, how you always look on stage. But you're having a great time.

I am having a great time, but I also, because that is as good looking as I've ever been. I remember that haircut. I can't believe that neither of you have actually gone, not true. I've seen you at Glastonbury looking pretty bloody. I remember 2006 was your, do you remember you had that mod haircut in 2006?

What? You had a mod haircut in 2006. It was that. It was kind of like that. Was it? A little bit long at the back. And you were like, and I remember I saw you in Edinburgh. And I said to you something like, Ian, really like your hair looks great.

And you went, what, really? And I went, yeah. And you were like, oh, thanks, thanks very much. Like you had never been given a compliment in your life. It was so bizarre. You know, it's a learning process. I have to take compliments, right? And I didn't get a lot of them when I was a kid.

It stopped doing your tracks. And I think you brought it up about like 10 years later. You went, do you remember when you said my hair looked good? This is so tragic. Do you know when I got a compliment? Like in the early noise. It is a bit tragic. You're absolutely right.

I think I went even a bit further. You look really handsome with that. No, you did. I do. I said you look really handsome. Yes, she did as well. I remember this. We're in the assembly room bar.

Bloody hell. And you went, well, I'm not. But if I was. I think is what you actually said. Something like that. And I thought, well, hell, Jen.

I mean, why Miss Bristair? You have me at an advantage. I was a little, no, but I think there was a time and I, but generally I include it

because I look happy there. Tell us about stand-up. Where did, how did it come? Rosie, wouldn't it? I know, I know. Every good idea I've ever had. She's had.

All right, let's do Rosie then. Where did you meet Rosie? We met in a burger bar in Stanmore. She was a waitress. She was working as a wait- We met over a griddle. That's not even a joke. I saw her and I instantly fell for her.

No way. Yeah, but she was seeing someone else and I spent a year sort of, go on, please Shagas, please. And after a year, she went, come on then. I brought her down. You had a lot of groupie previous.

You know how to pursue. I did. I did. And she was, yeah, because we moved into a flat together, me, her and another woman who was the manager of this burger place. and which incidentally Matt Lucas used to go to as a kid

which is so weird barbecue to you in Istanbul he said I used to go in there how weird anyway we met in there we moved into this flat obviously so once you were together it moved fast you were like solid but you had a completely different you had a career doing something I was an engineer I was like a design engineer

so that was school and you went straight into an apprenticeship and then into a civil service and then did my studying part time and became an engineer when I was like like a qualified engineer when I was 26. And happy with that, was there always an itch? I was weird.

I used to sit in this office. Have you ever been in an office? Yes. You're hurting offices. Well, I used to sit there. I don't belong in them. No, well, none of us do, but I used to sit there and look at these people and say, these are aliens sitting in.

I don't, I mean, we could get on and chat. So I spent another two years there and then I went to India to find myself, as you do. Right. And that was also Rosie, wasn't it? Yeah, Rosie said, can you fuck off? Yes. I wouldn't characterize it quite like that, but essentially it was go and grow up.

Wow. Because we were together when I was 21, when we were 21. And then five years, I had this hankering to go and to go to India and travel. And she said, go, I'll be here when you get back. And how long did you go for? I was away for about seven or eight months. Wow. That's extraordinary.

Yeah, but she is extraordinary. But when I met her, three weeks after I met her, This is before we're going out. She said to me, you should be doing stand-up comedy. And I looked at her like she was crazy because I was a design engineer, designing heating, ventilation and air conditioning. But she'd hit a nerve or was it something? Well, it was more, I didn't think I could, but it was more, I thought, who is this person who's seen me in this way? Because nobody had ever seen me in that way before.

And what was your relationship to comedy prior to that? Did you enjoy it? I used to go to the comedy store. I used to watch it all the time. So you understood how it worked? Yeah, but I never thought I could do it, but she said to me, you should do stand-up comedy. And seven years later, it took me seven years. What got you there?

Well, when I came back from India, I couldn't get any work. So I thought, I'll give it a go. I thought, after a while. I did a bit of hospital radio. I did a few other things. And now I thought, and I was writing jokes with I ever Badeel, David's brother, because I grew up with the Bidiel's. And then I thought, oh, I'll try these. So I went to the Comedy Cafe, August of 14th, 19901.

Oh, my God. You've got the date? Haven't you? No. Really? Absolutely not. We've got a different relationship with stand up, babe. You do.

I've got a different relationship with dates, time, space, memories. We're not as romantic about it. I am romantic. You are. And you're an inspiration. I always like stand up more when I've been with you. I'm actually, weirdly enough, I'm romantic about football as well. And about growing up, that's not the horrible piece.

But I am a bit more of a romantic, I guess. But yeah, August 14th, 991 at the Comedy Cafe. And how did it go? Died. Really? Of course. It's my first time ever on stage, but Rosie was in the crowd. So that room's not a good room to be doing new.

It's, well, it was the new act night on a Wednesday night. Even so, that could be tasty that gig. It's a rough gig. It's a rough gig. But Rosie was in the crowd and she was sitting behind these two guys who both went. He's got good jokes, but he can't, he's a terrible performer. And I thought, no, no, no, exactly. No, but I was okay with that.

Yes, exactly. Because I've never performed for it. It was so weird. I remember standing there, the whole right side of my body was shaking. Oh, my hand, my leg, I had that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And there was also a moment about two minutes in when I thought, everyone's looking at me.

It's such a weird thing. Very exposing. But I went back and did, I did it, I went to Edinburgh straight after. Did you? And to see. To do the whole thing? No, no, no, just to hang out of the festival. Right.

I had a couple of gigs up there, which were terrible. Right. Because I wasn't ready. And then I came back and I did the first gig I did at, back was at the king's head downstairs at the king's head and dave schneider was on remember day yeah i did dave was on and dave came up to me after i'd been on and said that was great and i was and i ran home from krauchem back to finchley i was so like dave schneider said i'm funny oh wow and it and it was a huge moment for me and it sustained me through the difficult bits and also you always knew it was

incrementally going to grow you know well i had rosy i'd go home every night and rosy would go well what happened and we talked through it and we were writing together weren't we? It was her and me and I think when we got together I knew there was something magical about her and sunning I never met anyone like that and and that's why I thought would she write me some jokes? Can we? Can we get Rosie on board? Because she does trade? Like coached me and write me some jokes?

And how is your work life stayed the same like you'd still travel all over? Not as much, not as much. no, I'm doing less of that because I've got the writing and the podcast in and all the other stuff. So I just do the gigs I love. Yeah. We're in the main, you know. And Edinburgh, you did Edinburgh again this year? Went back to Edinburgh.

The thing is, like, Jen was going to Edinburgh. Go on. Yeah, well, okay, so just, can we just rewind a little bit? Yeah. Because I went to Edinburgh every year for years and you would say to me, why are you doing that? I would. Why are you bothering to do that? I don't see why comedians bother going up there doing that and wasting their time.

time and I went well there's is if I'm either in the game or I'm out of the game so I'm going to be in the game in you went well I think it's a waste of time anyway fast forward 10 years she I'm going to Edinburgh yeah are you Ian and how did you find it I love I'm loving it I mean it's hard it's hard work but people come I'm doing the free fringe so I go and fly I mean this is how much I love it I fly her for an hour and a half every day and I like it. I know. I know. And I understand what you're saying. I genuinely, I'm looking at you. I can't even look at you now. I genuinely like it. I'm saying this to both of you. I'm not looking at you. I believe you. I do really, I go around the tables in Bristow Square and I chat people up and have a laugh

and they come to the show. But you're really good at it. Can you imagine me going around to tables, chatting people up? No. Are you cut? Hello? Look at me. Sorry, could you just stop a minute? I'm trying to have a chat with you. Right. you coming to my show. This episode is brought to you by Peloton. A new era of fitness is here. Introducing the new Peloton Cross Training Tread Plus, powered by Peloton IQ, built for breakthroughs with personalized workout plans, real-time insights, and endless ways to move.

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Product availability varies by region. See app for details. Talk to us about this picture. You look absolutely kidding. Very happy, Ian. Yeah. Yeah, well. Isn't Tony Adams at all?

Tony Adams, he was a cent-half. I thought, he was Mark Gated. Oh my gosh, that is. So what is he in right with Mark Gated? That's a weird combination, isn't it? Yeah, tell us about that. That's your bedfellows. Yeah, what was that do?

That was a do to, oh, that's right. There was a do to celebrate a film that came out about this team in 1989. Arsenal won the league title. It stopped me. Sorry, I was yawning, but that wasn't anything to do with. Finish it. No, of course not. All right. In 1989, Arsenal won the league title with the last kick of the last game of the season at Amfield against Liverpool. This is the same season that Liverpool had the Hillsborough disaster.

So that game was moved until the end of May, 26 of May, 1989, which is, I used to use as my pin number because I knew I'd remember the date, right? Because it was a massive night for Arsenal fans. And we won at Amfield. They made a film about it. They made a film. and they got all the team there. Reitey actually wasn't in that team, but he's very connected. And then afterwards he went to a bar, and all the boys were there. And obviously I know Reitey, and I got to know Tony Adams and a few others.

And it was just, it was such a fantastic night. Righty, I mean, I did a radio show with Reitey for five years on absolute. Every Saturday. Rock and roll football. You've had quite an eclectic sort of broadcasting career as well. If we're doing it for as long as we have. I haven't. I haven't.

All right. I've mainly been doing stand-up and nothing else. Well, yeah, no, I ended up doing this rock and roll football with Ian Wright. And the first week... But you really do meet your heroes, don't you? Well, those are the two. I'm getting sick of interviewing people with eclectic careers telling me we're all doing it, Jen. Are you not doing it?

No, Ian. Yeah, I went ballooning once with Judy Dent. Should we not? We're all doing it. Come on. Who hasn't done that? She loves her balloons. I am so I'm there at this party and there's Tony Adams who do you know I don't know if you know much about Tony Adams

I know he's tall and he did strictly yeah he did do I didn't even know that he wasn't great on strictly no he was our center half he was the captain of the team he joined as a schoolboy he stayed at our club the entire time as a professional which is unusual he was a captain he also had massive alcohol problems right and he gave up alcohol in 96 and he's a change man now right he went to jail for four weeks. Yeah, he got into drink driving, drink driving and he ended up getting jailed and we ended and we had a massive, the Arsenal team

had a massive fight of Manchester United he got jailed, we had two points docked and we still won the title that year and it was a, it was really very much a fuck off to the rescue title. Really we spent the entire game, the last game to season going you can stick your fucking two points up your ass.

Singing it for 90 minutes. It was really very much like this is an arson victory. And he was the captain of the team. And then to get to know him a little bit through Ritey, it's exciting, right? Yeah, I mean, I watched him play so many times. Amazing. Yeah, so that was, I was very happy. You're a testament to absolutely meet your heroes.

Well, they say you shouldn't meet your heroes, but you must have met your heroes. And it's, have you got? No. I don't know if I've got heroes in the same way you have. I mean, it's interesting because you're not, I mean, I talk to Rosie about this as well, and she's not really a fan. No, I don't think I've ever had. that kind, what you're talking about, the jam and Arsenal,

I don't think I've had that kind of fanaticism. I can remember being a teenager and some of my mates having posters on their walls for George Michael or whatever. And I remember thinking, oh, maybe I should put some posters on my walls. You're not feeling it. And I wasn't feeling it. I remember just getting them out of the Just 17 and putting them on the wall.

But I wasn't like feeling it. No, that's why I had Billy Ocean on my wall because I panicked. Really, so you were the same. You never had any other than. No, I was like, I don't know. sick him up. He looks all right. Rosie's never had that either. I wish I had. It sounds great. Well, yeah. I mean, football obviously sometimes they really let you down when things don't go well. But Paul Weller's never really let me down, obviously. But Arsenal has let you down.

On hundreds of occasions, but there have been some beautiful moments. That's part of the love affair, so I mean, that's why I go. Also, we've got a really nice group of us who go to football now. I envy that. It's not the, a few times I've been, I can count on one hand the times I've been to football matches. And I get it. I do get it. And I wish I had a gang to go with. I really do. I'd love to go. Because I live quite near Crystal Palace. I've been a few times.

And I just think, I should do this properly. Oh my God. Know yourself. Know yourself. I like it. I went with Joe Rand a few months ago. Yeah, the Palace has got loads of comics. And I had a really nice time.

You don't like gangs. Why don't you allow me to say that I did? You can have a nice time. But you don't want to be in a gang, Kerry. I don't want to see people regularly. You're seeing things I'm not saying. What I'm saying is. I like the, right, so when I was about 20, so I went with my friend Lloyd to see,

maybe it was Arsenal, and the score was 7-0. And I thought, it's football always like this. I mean, it was just so much fun. And I really got into it, and Lloyd said, this is not normal. No. This is not a normal match. It wasn't a friendly. It was against Southampton.

We won 7-0. I was there? I know. That was the game I was at. Yes, I know this. This is from like 25 years ago. This is like hanging out with Rain Man. really upsetting

but that was the match I'm not even that bad when it comes to the first time I'd ever been to a match and Lloyd's been there for years he grew up with all his mates and he was like all right Lloyd and everyone was friends

and I that's what I got the community we were after the last game last season we all went back to the pub we go to the swimmer in in Finnsbury Park oh yeah I know that

it's a great it's a great pub and I've done a little gig upstairs right and it's a lovely in fact I've done a gig almost everywhere because we drive around London or anywhere and I'll point out the kids, done a gig in there. I do that with my kids.

I take the piss at me all the time. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, we know. But we all went back to the swimmer and there were about 60 or 70 of us there who knew each other through football. See, that's a lovely thing. And Alexander, who you both met, was there. And he's part of that game.

Yeah. And it's so brilliant to me. What I love about him? And so he's got positive friendships with older guys like myself. And I think it's pretty cool. Yeah, he's lovely because the, what I remember feeling like I like to play it.

It's not like going to the theatre or going to watch a film or whatever. You're sort of chatting, but you're watching. And then you're absorbed and then you're chatting. And you can just fluctuate in and out of a community. And it's all about that team. And you go and drink afterwards. And you go and drink afterwards. And we like your cissies for your tea.

That's true. But I really like that camaraderie. I think it's lovely. I mean, I've been going to football with these guys for 30 years now with Alan and Keith and a few of the others. Yeah. So yeah, it's a glorious thing. It's a family. It's a community, yeah.

And that's something that I suppose when you were growing up, you didn't have that. I didn't have. I didn't have. And so this is your surrogate family that you've had since you were a child. It is family. Well, you've got a new family now, haven't you? I've got a new family. Oh, my God.

You like that photo. You've got your Glastonbury family. Well, yeah. I mean, I mean. I'm wearing the hat. I am wearing the hat from Chloe. I just. I mean, Chloe dress you a glass and a bit.

Let's talk through your outfit. There's two different, I mean, there's two different photos there. One is with Alexandra and you guys and Chloe, and the other one is me and Elliot the year later. This is this year, is it? Yes, when I was dressed by you guys. Oh, the necklace. No, you were dressed. You were not dressed by us.

You were dressed by Chloe. Yeah, Chloe. She took you out because I was teasing you about your, you put. So this is now just an in joke between the, between, the three of us, but you came out and you were like, what do you think of this shirt? It's quite colourful, isn't it? And I was like, it's grey. It's grey, blue and white, actually.

But it was, it wasn't colourful. It was your attempt to colour. It was my attempt of colour. I've never, look at look, look, I'm wearing a blue jeans and a grey teeth. So then what Chloe said? Chloe said, that's not colourful. And you went, what are you talking about? This is a bit, this is a little bit vibrant. I went, how can grey and blue be vibrant?

And you were like, and I went, and so Chloe was there. She went, Oh, I'll take, I'll sort him out. And I went, yeah, whatever. Anyway, I think, were we doing a gig? We were doing something, or I was doing something, because you went off with... No, Chloe went and bought it for me, and bought it back.

And came back with it. Did she come back with it? Yeah, I didn't. With the hat as well? No, the hat was from the year before. Anyway, so then you, then the next time I saw you, you were wearing this insane shirt with a necklace. Yes, she accessorized me.

And I suddenly felt like, oh, yeah. That was a rare. Now, the time all the mushrooms kicked him. Oh, yeah, and then the mushrooms kicks in. And then the mushrooms might well have kicked in at that point. But again, it always comes back to family, it seems to me. Yeah. And possibly because I sort of felt like I lacked one when I was a kid.

So to have the comedy family and the football family, the music, whatever it is, I think those things, I'm just trying to replace to a certain extent what I felt like I never had. I mean, that sounds sadder than it is. No, it doesn't actually. It sounds the opposite. It sounds like survival and constructive, you know, like your recognition of circumstance and how to resolve it.

I'm not great on my own. I mean, I'll do it and I'll try and write and I'll get on, but I'm not great on my own. I prefer company. I really, really do. Did you put a picture of a fig in? I did, yeah. What's going on there?

I love fruit. Listen, the point is, isn't that the best? looking fig you've ever seen. Yeah, I mean, I'm not a lover of figs, but you're not? No. I mean, I thought you'd put it in by mistake. No, no, no, no, no. I mean, it does look a little bit like something out of the alien when you put it up close.

It does, the only thing. But it was a perfect... It was a perfect figure, and I'm a bit of a fruit freak. Have you ever seen... You've seen the odd couple, right? Yes, of course. Amazing film, right? Jack Lemon at one point is sniffing a melon.

And somebody says, and this woman says, is that ready? And he goes, oh no, a couple of days. That's me. I can do that. Really? People will ask me on the melon sniffer. I'm not as into fruit as you. I'm not as into football as you. Or stand up.

No, but I really am into fruit. And I, I mean, Sally Oshkis called me a fruit freak. And I think that's fair enough. And I'm thinking of doing a show for a fruit. I was going to say that's a show title. It's a funny title. But I genuinely love me fruit. And so I wanted to talk about it for a minute.

So you want me to say so that was fun. Or Kerry, maybe you could say that because. Yeah, because you're an actor. Yeah. You act. I can do it. Okay, how do you want it? Do you want it like panicky?

Or do you want it like preachy? Or do you want it? That was fun. Do you want it earnest? Like a therapist? Like that was fun. That was fun. That was fun. Do you want it like hysterical?

No, I don't want it hysterical. Like that? Do you like? Well, you said preachy. I want to know. What does that sound? That was fun. I think we're having fun and we need to reflect on the fun that we're having.

That was really convincing. Yeah. preachy. I'm available to play priests. Yeah. Other people that preach, basically. Very earnest yoga teachers. Anyone that does, anyone that does hot yoga and won't stop wanging on about it.

Yeah. That was perfect, I think. It was fun. Look, this is me being earnest. I know it's hard to tell. But it was fun. Was it fun? I had fun. I had fun.

Wow. Do you know what Joel asked us to do was just say, could you just say the line? That was fun. so I can stick that into here to make the outro work and we've made that impossible for him. Now we've made it sound like a voiceover sort of show. That was fun. That was fun. It was fun.

Oh! That was fun! You wish you hadn't asked for that. You've asked for it and you've got it, mate. I'm Max Rushton. I'm David O'Darley. And we'd like to invite you to listen to our new. podcast, What Did You Do Yesterday?

It's a show that asks guests the big question, quite literally, what did you do yesterday? That's it. That is it. Max, I'm still not sure. Where do we put the stress? Is it what did you do yesterday? What did you do yesterday? You know what I mean?

What did you do yesterday? I'm really down playing it. Like, what did you do yesterday? Like, I'm just a guy just asking a question. But do you think I should go bigger? What did you do yesterday? What did you do yesterday? Every single word this time I'm going to try and make it like it is the killer word.

What did you do yesterday? I think that's too much, isn't it? That is. That's over the top. What did you do yesterday? Available wherever you get your podcasts every Sunday.