Memory Lane with Kerry Godliman and Jen Brister - S03 E04: Jarred Christmas

Episode Date: February 7, 2024

"I used to get my haircut where they said 'model's needed' in the hope I'd get noticed..." The uber talented and incredibly funny Jarred Christmas rocks into the podcast this week with a bunch of photos and stories. He's a man with so many stories we barely get to the start of his career. Photo 01 - Modelling poses Photo 02 - Young Jarred Photo 03 - Performing the Haka Photo 04 - Headshot TICKETS - https://www.demontforthall.co.uk/event/jarred-christmas/ - BUY THEM NOW!!! (Before Feb 2024 that is) PICS & MORE - https://www.instagram.com/memory_lane_podcast/ A Dot Dot Dot Production produced by Joel Porter Hosted by Jen Brister & Kerry Godliman Distributed by Keep It Light Media Sales and advertising enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Explore the new Peloton Cross Training Tread Plus at OnePeloton.ca. Hang on, hang on. This is gold. This is gold. Wait second. Have you got your... I'm not recording and this is very much... I think Noel Gallagher will be...

I don't want to... I don't think you can hear it. No, I didn't hear any of it. Of course you did. All I could see was you pulling weird faces and sort of... Well, what I was doing there as I played two different tracks for you and actually... Tracks. Hello and welcome to Memory Lame.

I'm Jen Brister and I'm Kerry Godleman. Each week we'll be taking a trip down Memory Lane with our very special guest as they bring in four photos from their lives to talk about. To check out the photos

we'd be having a natter with them about they're on the episode image and you can also see them a little bit more clearly on our Instagram page so have a little look at Memory Lane podcast. Come on,

we can all be nosy together. I'd lay down some tracks there. Two absolute bangers. One of them, Oasis, Noel Gallagher, if he heard that, would be like, who is this Maverick? Get her in the band.

Yeah, get her in a band, ASAP. I'm going to, when I see Ben next, because he'll have his bass, I might just bring my guitar along. We'll jam. We'll just have a jam. I mean, I really want that to happen. I really, really want that. And nothing would make, well, Ben happier. And I'd find it highly entertaining, but not in a musical capacity.

No, because I'm terrible. I am embarrassingly bad. I mean, people walk out when I pick the guitar up. I was really impressed with Joel, because he kept, he was nodding his head in a very supportive. Like a care worker. Like a key worker. Like my support worker.

Yeah, like, that's lovely, Jennifer. That's lovely, well done. Should we have some lunch now? Yeah. I brought you your favourite jelly, orange flavour. It's always orange flavour. Is it sleeping time now? That's better than me because I just made Ben.

Because you know when you do drag and drop on, we transfer? Oh, yeah. I'm always dragging a drop it like his heart. Drop it like his heart. So then I'm just, I'm just, I'm making lunch for me going, when the pimps in the crib and a hem and a hair, drop it like it's heart, drop it like it's heart. Every time you do it, we transfer now,

you get snoop, you get snoop at one. When the pimps in the crib and drop it like it hard, jumping like a cat. I mean, we've had some appalling guitar playing from that. Fortunately, it, it, Wasn't picked up. Wasn't picked up. And now... Little bit of rap from me.

What the flickety fuck was that? Jump it like his hat. Jump it like his hat. Snoop. I mean, I really hope. Neither of your children ever listen to this podcast. Why the fuck would any content I create be of any interest to my teenage children? Isn't it incredible?

but how little interest they have in our lives. Well, she's like, why would I want to listen to you on a podcast when I have to listen to you all the time every day? I mean, fair play, actually. That is true. I mean, that's very much Chloe. That's how Chloe feels. She doesn't listen to anything I do.

She's like, why would I listen to you? I hear you already. She gets a front row seat every day. And when you're not here, why would I want to hear you? Why would I want you here? Yeah. I don't want you here when you're not here. In fact, when you're not here,

It's lovely that you're not here. So, yeah, fair enough. But I'm sorry you missed out. Listen, next time I'll lay down another two tracks for you. I just love it that you call it tracks. I don't know what I'm talking about. You know how some people, they're not even, it's not even by music. All I'm doing is watching a YouTube clip and trying to copy it.

Huh? Why don't you write some songs? Why don't you write some songs? I can barely play the guitar. How am I going to write some songs? I did do a poo song for my children, which they really loved it. Improved it. Kids love poo songs, poo content.

And so many things are wrong with poo. So you can write off the bat. There was a young boy, he did a poo. He walked along the street. He fell down the loo. What a thing to do. And so it goes. And that's another track.

I might lay down, actually. It's good. It's really good. No, you're looking at me. I remember once when Frank was your boys' age and he'd made us either a poo joke or a Willy joke and I was like, oh, what's funnier? Is it a poo joke or a Willie joke?

He was in a, he was in knots. He was like, oh, poo jokes are really funny. But Willie jokes are really funny. They're both so funny. Which is the funniest. What's funnier? I think I'm going to have to go with willy jokes. No poo, no poo.

I love that he's actually analysing it. Yeah, we sat there like this is the kind of highbrow chat that I have, you know. What does your mum do for a job? She is a comedian and we discuss the granular detail of whether a poo joke, scatological humour, is better than. And a knob joke. Discuss. I really don't think you should ever say granular detail

and then use the word poo. Okay? That is visually, that's not okay. Also, on stage now, I still love a knob joke. And I say that as a lesbian. All day long. I'm like knob gags all day long. I did a corporate recently and a knobgag came out.

I didn't want it to, but it just presented itself and I've got to. Just popped out. It literally flopped out. But the trouble was a corporate. it was at 2pm and I realised there is... There's no wrong time for a good knob joke.

Well, yeah. There's no wrong time. No? The clock's mean nothing. You can do a knob joke at 10 to 10 in the morning, 10 to 10 at night. Do you know what? They did laugh, but I felt there was an intake of breath by a couple of people because it was only 2pm. Comedy's comedy, mate.

I quite like it. I quite like serious, interesting, complex thoughts. Nob joke. I mean, I don't have any interesting complex thoughts when I do stand up. I literally have varying degrees of knob gags. You have rage and then knob joke. I have ranting and knob gags. Fury.

Yeah. Fury. Nob joke. Fury. Nob joke. They're like the natural bedfellows, aren't they? I suppose we should discuss our next guest. I guess today is the wonderful Jared Christmas.

It's always a pleasure to see Jared. He's probably one of the most popular comedians on the side. circuit. He's very loveable, isn't he, Jared? Oh my God, he's adorable. That man's anecdotes. He's got some good stories. I'm like how, we've been doing comedy about the same amount of time. I don't have anecdotes like that. He's got some absolutely bad shit anecdotes. He's a natural storyteller, isn't he? And he's a, and I think this is, I don't know if this is a projection, but I always just think that people that have travelled a lot, which I assume he has, because he's from really far away. He's from New Zealand. They just have that.

kind of life, they're like, you know, wandering storyteller vibes. Yes. And he's brilliant. It's a brilliant raconteur and an all-round good guy. And I think this is an absolute corker of an episode. So, Jared, where are you? Where am I right now? I'm at home in a little village in Somerset.

You're like a proper country man. No, not according to long, long. long time villages. No, still new. Still new blood. Eight years. Maybe they'll never let you in. They'll never let you in. Nah. I've got to change my accent. Yeah, I can't see any development in that department, Jared. No. I'm rubbish at accents. You're really good at accents. Actually, both of you are extremely good at accents. Oh, I can do three. I can do, I can't do a Kiwi, but I feel quite confident about my Australian accent. Go on then.

Okay, here we go. It's got into show real. Okay, here we go. So, like, if I was to put an Australian accident on, I'd sort of do it like this, and then I'd sort of come up at the end of every sentence. And does this sound vaguely Australian? You're giving me a funny face, which makes it sound like this. It's not fucking Australian.

Okay, fuck you. Is that no good? It's good to me. It sounded great to me. Oh, well, there you go. What was that face? That is a face that was like, I don't even know what actually. and that is.

Hey, it was close. I think you were grown up in Australia, but you went to university in the United Kingdom. Oh, okay. That's what you were going for, isn't it? You were going for that. All right. Do I need to go full bogus?

Fucking too right. Fucking take it outside, fellas. Put another one on the barbie. What are you, out of your fucking mind? Is that better? Can you do an English accent, Jared? I can. I.

Can I? You're from Kingston. I like to eat. I like to eat a Pizza Express. No? That's not bad. I'll try and do your accent, Kerry. All right.

This is the problem I have. When people do an impression of me, they just sound like a sort of broken Michael Gaine. Yeah. Or Ray Winston. I only told you to blow the fucking doors on. That's how it all ends up in that territory. Well, when people do impressions of me,

they literally just go, fucking out. And that's it. So what are we learning from this, Jared? How do we come across to people? Yeah, exactly. I've got to change my ways. That's what I mean.

People go, oh, I fucking are. And then I respond going, oh, you fucking fuck. And it's like, okay. I just walked into a trap. My impression of you is, and I do it a lot. Oh, wow. So I don't know if you guys have this, where comedians, routines and jokes just worm their

way into everyday life. For example, there's a Gary Delaney joke about taking the dog for a walk with his family and someone says, don't forget poo bags, which is a horrible name for my grandmother. So whenever we leave the house as a family now to walk the dog, someone, someone will say, have you got poo bags? and then it's a race to see who gets to name someone else of Ben Poo bags. That's brilliant.

Kerry's one is whenever I open up a bag, I go, like that. Yeah. Always do it. Oh, I'm glad. And if I ever meet anybody called Stephen, I go, a Stephen. Oh, yeah. I get that a lot.

I remember walking down Nicholson Street in Edinburgh. mind of my own business, probably in a deep thug of depression, and someone just shouted, Hey, Stephen! At me from across the side of the road. You've made it. I thought people all shout out your jokes back at you. Have I made it?

Is this what it feels like? Well, you're a veteran, aren't you? You're a veteran. Let's start right at the beginning. And we're looking at this picture, which I assume is you and your dad. Yeah. And boys of snakes. You really look like your dad, Jared.

Yeah. You really do. I look like my dad with a beard now. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You absolutely do. It's actually uncanny.

Yeah. It's the eyes, man. Sad eyes, eh? I've got sad eyes too. They're kind of droopy. Aren't they? There's a lot of emotion in there. There's a lot.

There's a lot of pathos there. Yeah. Which really helps as a comedian. It does, doesn't it? What's with the snakes? Can you explain what's going on here? So my dad was in the New Zealand Army. You can tell by the Tats, man.

Yeah, yeah. But the tattoos are exactly why there's snakes on it. So I grew up in Singapore for about four years, and that photo is from one of the markets in Singapore. And I was terrified and slightly unwell. And so my dad was just carrying me around, and he's got snake tattoo on his arm, snake curling around a dagger, I think it is, which represents one of the battalions that he served

in. And just as snakes, Alice, saw that I had snakes on his arm and threw those, the grass snakes, so they're harmless, but through quite a lot of snakes on my dad. And I was absolutely terrified. That's unsettling even for people. Yeah. And what I like is that my parents talk about how terrified photo was. But my mum still was like, hold it. I've got to get a photo. And, you know, this is 1980s. This isn't a quick snap on your phone or anything. This is, she had to take the lens cap off. She had to get the focus right. She had to take it out and it's a good picture. It's a good picture as well. Decent. And framed us in front of that window. The composition is second to know. It really is. And you don't look traumatized. You look cute. Yeah, but I look sad. I look at that photo

knowing that I'm upset. You don't know you're upset. I think you just, yeah, no, now you're saying it, you do look a bit troubled. I don't have any issues with snakes, so it didn't traumatise me. But your dad looks like a very, like you're in safe arms there. Oh, completely. Yeah. Is your dad?

Very capable, very capable man still is, is essentially. Really? Renovating their house by himself. Really? Yeah, they moved back to New Zealand. after the pandemic. They were in Australia for for years and they bought an old house to do up. And he's essentially, basically. Yeah, basically. Yeah, those tattooed snake arms. How often do you see him? Not enough, not enough. I used to go down, I used to go back to New Zealand

once a year before the pandemic, but, you know, various things happen during that. Screwed us financially. Have you got siblings, Jared? Yes. older brother, he's in the New Zealand Army. So he lives five, well, my parents live five minutes around the corner from him. And you weren't ever tempted to go into that military world? Because it's very, it's. I knew it wasn't for me. Scouts was too strict.

I can hard relate. I had the same with the girl guides. I was like, fuck these people and they're knitting. There are people that really sort of blossom and grow in those sort of environments, like in the military and they excel and have a, you know, have a wonderful. That's what my brother's doing. Yeah, and have a great time of it. My brother's a major in the army and he's about to be, he'll be promoted to a lieutenant

colonel or something within the next couple of years. I don't know what that means. It sounds mad. He's one of the top medics in the New Zealand army. It's just nuts. Wow. It's insane. Yeah.

One different life to our lives. I know. But can you imagine the three of us, someone told us to do something? We'd be like, get to fuck. I know. I was going to join one of those fitness groups where there's sort of a soldier shouts at you in a park.

And Ben said to me, Kerry, you are not wired to have a soldier shout at you in the park. If he was like, get off off the floor, be like, fuck! Yeah, you're going to fuck your phone. No yourself, Kerry.

I've got a quick story about the differences between my brother's life and my life. So years ago, maybe it was 2009, I think. My brother was in the UK. They've got an exchange program in the New Zealand and British military. How's it a lot? Where a New Zealand soldier will come over and do three or four months in the British Army

and a British soldier will go down and do the same in New Zealand Army. But the British people get a much better deal because they go down to New Zealand and the New Zealand Army basically goes, here's a car, just go from army-based to army base around the country, have a holiday for for four or five months essentially, you know, go on adventures. Whereas my brother, he just went and worked and worked and worked and worked. But I had a phone call from him when he was over here. And he said, what are you up to? And I'd done the late show at the comedy store.

It's a tough crowd. It was a Saturday morning, you know? It was like 9 o'clock in the morning. I woke up when he phoned. He's like, what are you up to? I was like, I'm in bed, man. I did a late show last night. And he's like, ah, sorry, mate.

Did I wake you up? I was like, yeah. I was like, how long have you been up? And he's like, 24 hours straight, mate. We're in a combat situation on the Salisbury planes. I've just called in a Medevac helicopter. And he just starts rattling off. And I was like, wait, you're in the battle training thing now.

And he went, yeah, yeah, sitting in a tank. It's pretty cool. He's like, New Zealand doesn't have tanks. So any opportunity I get, I'm getting in a tank. Yeah, I mean, it's not comparable, is it? Let's be honest. No, I got him to leave me on speakerphone as he called in sort of responses to the medevac and stuff. It was pretty exciting stuff.

Yeah, that does sound exciting. Yeah. Yeah, but let's not undermine how tricky a late night. A late show at the comedy store. Come on with tasty crowds there. Yeah. Come on. Hit pies on whatever you're listening to and hit play on your next adventure.

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How old are you at this time? I had my fifth birthday in Singapore, so we moved just before I turned six. So still little, so still young enough to not like miss, you know. When people talk about military back childhoods where they move around a lot, Just, you know, letting go of friends, having to start a game, all that. That got harder, the older I got. I don't remember having any issues then. But weird thing that happened.

Do you remember a comedian he died a few years ago, Jack Cowley or Jack Russell? Yes, yes. Yes, he used to pay, Jack Russell, yeah, because he used to play the comedy store. And, yeah. And he was one of those comics that fell into comedy. Do you know what I mean? Like it wasn't a career path. He walked in to a pub and there was a.

comedy happening and he thought, oh, I might give this a go. Yeah. And, you know, was great. He was one of those guys that, um, just a proper raconteur could tell a story, was cheeky, was charming and was happy with the vagabond life that comedy provided him, essentially. You know, he, he, he went by the name Jack Russell, so he, so he didn't have to pay tax as Jack Cowley, that sort of thing. Yeah. But we were on a long car journey and, uh, you know, we're just chatting away and I said about I lived in Singapore and he said, oh, my dad was in the British Navy and he was based in Singapore. Do you know what we worked out? His mum was my kindergarten teacher in Singapore on the Army base that we were in.

Yeah. And he phones his mum while we're in the car and says, do you remember two boys with the surname Christmas? And she went, yeah, Jared and Ronnie. And their mum, Julie Christmas, who used to bake the cakes for kids when it was their birthday, which is exactly what my mum did. And then it gets even weirder. She said, do you remember your gap year?

And he was like, yeah. She said, you came to Singapore for a year. And he went, uh-huh. And she said, and you were my teaching assistant. And you taught you would have looked after Jared Christmas. No way. How mad is that? That is so wild.

And then years later, you're in a car together going to a gig. going to fucking swinded. What is going on here? Oh, okay. So that was our flight back from Singapore to New Zealand was a New Zealand Air Force flight. And we took off from Singapore and there was a malfunction with one of the wheels.

So they did an emergency landing in Darwin, Australia. and they landed and the front wheel burst. Oh, my God. And, you know, this is the, this is 1984, 85 maybe. And so it was New Zealand Air Force. So they had to wait for a replacement wheel, which took a week. So you were stuck in Darwin for a week. We were in Darwin, but what they did was they took us to this,

it was out of season for this luxury. resort on an island off the coast of Darwin. So they took everyone, all military families, from the plane, and we all went to this island and stayed in this out-of-season luxury hotel sort of thing. Oh, wow. And that was just something they organized a... It sounds magical. Well, it was a magical time.

My overriding memories, we put on a show, and that was me, the end of me doing, a hucker, which would have been lame as fuck. It would have been, you know, you kind of have to commit to those, don't you? You can't find those guys in. You can't go half into a hucker, can you? Mate, a five-year-old boy, he's only seen it on TV. A five-year-old white boy who's only seen it on TV. You know, so did that.

But also my overriding memory was some of the older kids said that there was an octopus living in the swimming pool. And so for that whole week, I never. went into the amazing swimming pool. Tarrett. That's so sad. Big time. Especially in Darwin when it's like a million degrees.

The weather was nice. Humidity. Yeah. You eventually get to New Zealand. You're down in the south, freezing. Yeah. Freezing your balls off. How long are you down there before you make your way up to the north of the South

Island? I think. I think we were only in Invercargill for maybe two years, maybe three years maximum. And then we went to Burnham Military Base. And I had McDonald's for the first time. Oh, wow. I remember my first McDonald's. It was a huge thing, man.

It was enormous. My friend does a really good impression of his dad having his first ever McDonald's. My friend, he's from Cork. And he does a really good. So he said when his dad first ate a burger, a Big Mac, he was like, Jesus, fuck, the flavors. The flavors. Jesus, Christ, what is that?

The flavor. As if prior to that moment, he'd never had flavor. He'd only eaten like the potatoes. And I'd say there's a lot of things going on in McDonald's, but flavor is one of them. Yeah, salt and sugar. Salt, salt, salt and more salt. When was Cobra Kai? What about this?

That was my... What about this one? That was earlier. I love these bits. My Lion King watch. The Mean Streets one. Yeah, yeah. That karate one.

And what I like is I gave it so much attitude, yet I was only yellow belt, which is one up from white belt. And I just thought I was super tough. You've put more into your pout than you in into your... Well, mate, that photo is from, I, the, I joined a, yep, that one as well. That's so good. It's all from the same photo shoot.

You look troubled. You don't look comfortable with it. That, that photo there of me lying down, that sums up this talent agency I joined when I was 16 years old called Eagle Rock Talent. And their whole concept, these two blokes who set it up, their whole. concept was, you know what, on adverts and stuff, you only see good looking people, but they must need average looking people. So that was what they were after was, they were signing, they were just saying to normal, it was a scam. It turned out to be a scam. No. Well, they took money of you. Oh, you had to pay to join it, right? And then they were running drama classes. And I went to the,

I was obsessed for drama, so I went to the first one, and they didn't really know what was going on. And, you know, I partway through the lesson said, oh, we do this exercise at school. Like, you know, maybe that'll be a good thing. And so we started doing that. And so they then came to me after that and said, you can run out drama lessons.

And we'll pay you. And we'll pay you 20 bucks. And I was like, oh, okay. I was literally going to school during the day and doing drama at school. and then that night, whatever I did in drama at school, that night I taught to middle-aged average-looking people. Who's lying on the floor?

Kerry, that could have been you and me. I was so obsessed with anything performance-related. I did a male modelling and confidence course. What did that entail? This sounds great. just honestly I failed because we spent a whole

lesson teaching you how to shave properly so I failed that one but walking how to just walk catwalk better than what you were catwalk yeah but a bit of catwalk but more walking with confidence and it was actually quite incredible it sounds ridiculous

but this was a legit place not like Eagle Rock. This legit place. It was just, it was, you know, like looking back on it, it was, whoever was teaching was, had done Pilates and, you know, and just knew about posture. So that was essentially what it was. But these are good life skills.

I mean, sometimes we're talking about a shit in school. At least you can use how to walk. Yes. And then I did use it and got paid 20 bucks to teach average looking people how to walk from one end of a room to another. other. And they then said to everyone on their books, we're going to make a movie. Do you want to be in a movie? And so everyone's like, yes, please. So everyone had to pay like 50 bucks to be in this movie. You had to pay? Yes. This is a rocket. It was a total scam. It was totally tapping into people's hopes during, like all scams do, right? But this was in Christchurch, New Zealand. in the 90s.

And so I was 16, nearly 17, and I was at a community college doing film TV as an option. So I'd started learning about how you make films and stuff. And these two idiots, they had like a massive camera from the, you know, like a home video camera that sat on your shoulder. And, you know, they'd written this script that was just dreadful. And it was about, from memory, I think the script was about a couple just walking down the street and the people they encounter.

And that was it. Oh, my God. And did you say you could script edit it or like get it better? No, but they were filming it in sequence. So they were like, okay, so in this scene you're walking down the street. And in the second scene, we need to be in a room. So they would film that and then they'd move everybody inside and upstairs. and you'd film up there

and then they'd move everybody back out to do the next scene which is then down the street again. But if you don't know, you wouldn't know that that's not how it goes. Exactly. But I'd done a couple of months of, you know, and I was like, this isn't.

This isn't how it goes. Yeah. And I said to them, I said to them, I was like, shouldn't we do all the location shots, outside stuff, all in one go? And then we move everything inside and you just, then you do it in the edit. And so after the session,

hey, do you, uh, do you want to? And so, it's a 16 sort of 17 year old. I didn't see any of this as negative. I just thought, I'm amazing. Like, these guys, okay, cool. And we did that ridiculous photo shoot. And I did get one job from them,

which was an advert for a New Zealand supermarket of me placing cutlery on a table. And they were just filming my hands. But it did give you a taste for that kind. of you were like, hang on, I'm going to stay in the, even though these chumps are not the way. Yeah. And they just, they just disappeared one day. Like everybody showed up for the drama class and the building was all locked up.

Yeah. The eagle did not rock. It had gone. And they were dodgy looking blokes as well. You know, like, gray receding slicked back here in a ponytail, you know, tattie leather jacket. They're in Cambodia. I'm telling you. I'm pretty sure that's where they are.

But I keep looking back on it and thinking, it was an appalling scam. Because they weren't charging people of fortune. It was 50 bucks here, 50 bucks there. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Like all out, my parents paid out maybe $250 for me to be doing all that stuff. And there was probably about 10 other people involved.

Right. I was like, that is not, these guys didn't have big dreams. No. That's why they had to shut it down. And like you say, it's exploitative of a, circumstances, you know, like they're all. But if you wanted to polyanerate, you could say that they did give you a lot of confidence because they basically recognised that you had more skills than them.

Look, I'll be honest as a teenager. The last thing I needed was more confident. I can see that from these photographs, Jared. I was desperate for anything that involved me performing or doing anything. I used to get my hair cut at hairdressers that said, models needed, you know, for trainee hairdressers to practice on. Because I thought, I read model and I thought, maybe I'll sit there and get noticed. Jared, that is hilarious.

Because I'm looking at some of these photos. And I just have a series of shit haircuts. I think you would have got noticed. I mean, the outfits alone were dynamite. This one's my favourite. Yeah, that red jacket. You just look like a guy with his hands in his pockets, just a guy. Just a guy with his hands in his pockets.

Ready to head to Butlins. That exact person there, I was 16, 17. That's how I got into nightclubs underage, was wearing that exact outfit. This works. And yeah, it really worked. Because I think bouncers would look at me and go, yeah, I don't think any teenager would actually wear that. We've got to you the start of your career. We haven't touched on the 10 zillion anecdotes I know that you have buried.

in your brain that you could tell us about during your career as a comedian. We've just not, we've just run out of time. Yeah. So the time I had to escape from a Jeff Whiting gig in Wales, where they had to sneak me out of the back of the pub, and I had to climb a fence into their neighbour's house, and then a car had to pull up in front of the neighbour's house and sneak me out and then get a police escort out of Wales.

This is what I'm talking about, a police escort out of Wales. What about did you do to them? How bad was this gig? What did you do? Do you remember Wilkinson's sword had a stand-up competition? Yes, I did it. I did it. So I was, I hosted a heap of them. And one of them of that I was hosting was in this,

parbon, Wales, North Wales. I think it was like Hollywell or something like that. Or Holly Heady, whatever one is up north. And basically two guys from a local gang came in, in the interval and sat up the front. and were, you know, telling me to fuck off and stuff when I came back on. And I tried dealing with them. And then everybody else was lovely.

So I was like, right, I'll get an act on. And then I'll talk to the manager about these two. Told the manager, he looks down and he goes pale white. And he's like, oh, my God, that banned from every pub in town. We've got to get rid of them. We've got to get rid of them. And I said, we'll wait until I go back on. Because we don't want to ruin this guy's chances for the competition.

And so I go back on and I said, sorry everyone, we're going to stop the show. And then I looked at those two guys and said, guys, you know, you're banned from all the pubs. You know, do the right thing and just leave. The police have been called. You should just leave. And one of them said, why don't you leave? And I said, I can't leave because I'm hosting the comedy show. And he said, you leave and I'll stay.

And I said, mate, as I said, as a comedy show, if it was a show for you, I regret this next line What did you say? I said if it was a show for you that wouldn't say comedy You would say cump Fair play Fair play

He and his mate stand up And they're you know it's a pub gig So they're right at me Just as the manager And one of his bar staff arrived and the bar guy grabs a guy on the shoulder and he swings around, throws a punch, misses, misses, overbalances and hits someone at another table. So that tables up.

And the next thing, it's a bar brawl and I'm trapped on the stage just thinking, I shouldn't have. I shouldn't have seen the come line. And it took probably a good half hour for the rest of the audience to subdue these two guys and kicked them out. It's a proper barbrawl. Yeah, it was proper barbaw. How did the competition?

Well, everyone sat back down once that had happened and then looked back at me like, carry on. What do we do now? Yeah. And the only line that popped into my head was that, is that hack, well, hack, whatever, that put down line of, don't you hate it when you come out for a conversation, someone builds a comedy club around you? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And I just said, don't you hate it when you come out for a fight and someone builds a comedy club around you. Yeah. And then I just worked hard and got them back on side and then we carried on with the competition. And then the show ends and finally the police arrive and they said they're gathering the gang. We've got Intel. Oh my God.

And they said, we need to sneak you out of here. Because they are coming to attack this pub. This was in 2004 maybe, 2005. 2002. No, it was as early as that. Yeah, 2002. Of course it was because I was with Delphine Manly, beyond compare. Oh, I remember.

That agency. Yeah. And so, yeah, the manager was like, we'll sneak you out the back and you can climb the fence to the neighbours. I'll let him know. So I'm in the neighbour's house. I'm getting a ride back to London from the Wilkinson Sword rep. And she comes and picks me up in the Wilkinson Sword car.

which was a mini, you know the Red Bull minis? Yeah, yeah. That have got the can on the back? They had that. But with a razor, the Wilkinson sword razor on the back. It's incognito. No one would see you. Exactly, right?

And I swear to God, she pulls up at his driveway. And this guy, the neighbour, is being all S-A-S about it, right? He's turned all his lights off, right? He's at the door. Yeah, looking out the window. And he goes, you ride's here. And he goes, on three. on three

and he goes one two three opens the door and he's like go go go and I sprint jump into the car and they gave us

a police escort we had to go out via via Chester and so they gave us a police escort Chester and then we drove

you're back in England drove like that and do you know it took years it took years for me telling that story to realize that at the end of it

I could say well I was Wilkins and saw what it was a crochet. It took years. Took years for me to figure that out. Telling that anecdote. You know what's better than the one big thing? Two big things.

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or your teacher mentions that thing of my bob. Need to pick me up. Snack back to reality with Tim's new craveable wraps, available in Chipotle or Ranch, plus tax at participating restaurants in Canada for a limited time. Now, let's fast forward to now. What are you up to at the moment? What's the stuff that you're excited about? Well, I'm excited about.

I did something really bullsy, Jen. Because I've done Panto at DeModford Hall and Leicester for the last three years. Oh, what a great room. Oh, so good. You don't play. You always play. I mean, we haven't even touched on the Priscilla Presley stories. No, no, we haven't.

I mean, I can't believe we haven't gotten into those. There are some absolute back and Kerry, if you haven't heard some of these stories. There are some anecdotes. We've got to have a drink and definitely get into these. I did Panto with Priscilla Presley at New Wimbabin Theatre. I saw it. I saw it. In 2012.

Yeah, you did. No, that was 2014 with Vern Troia. I did come to that panto. I remember chatting to you after. I remember chatting to you. Yeah, I remember you were going, why don't you let me introduce you to the, and I was like, I don't think I could do it, Jared. Oh, you totally could have smashed it.

But I, so yeah, I, when I found out I was doing De Montford Hall for the third time in Panto, I decided to book myself in to do a solo stand-up show at DeMontford Hall during Leicester Comedy Festival this year. I mean, I've never, never tried to sell tickets in a venue that big. But because you felt you had a really. solid audience from the Panto so you'd build up a crowd. Yeah, and they allowed me to plug the show at the end of the Panto

and stuff like that. And DeMontford Hall have been 100% on board and supported. What's the capacity? I don't know the room. 1,300. Oh, it's a big old bar. It's a big old bar. And when is it? 23rd of Fed. Guys,

I've sold 50 tickets. I haven't. No, I haven't. Oh, Jared! Oh, my God, how dare you? Jesus. Oh, you. I,

it was a real gamble because I've never, I don't know if you guys have this, but I've never fully backed myself at times. Yes. Certainly recently for things like doing a tour or doing anything like that. I think when you're a club comic, you never believe you can be a touring one.

Yeah, I mean, I taught for five years, but then, My last tour in 2014 was really, it wasn't bad, but I felt frustrated by it and really disappointed by it and the numbers were lower than previous years. And what I should have done was stuck to my guns and just kept doing it, but I shied away from it. Well, you can lose money touring.

I got a little moody about it. But I wasn't losing money because even though I was performing to 50 people or 40 people, That was still more money. Yeah, yeah, yeah, than the club. Still more money than doing a club gig. Yeah. But my ego couldn't handle it.

Right. Because it's like, oh, I'm only pulling 50 people. Yeah. I wanted to sell out a 100-seater. I didn't want to do 50 people than a 100-seat. Yeah. And so my ego couldn't handle it and made me shy away from it and go back to what I knew and felt was safe.

Yeah. So I shook it up and booked into Monfin Hall. And I'm currently on 850. Oh, yeah. beauty. This is going to get great right. Well, it's not bonkers. It's not bonkers.

I never pulled that size of crowd just for myself. But you're such a brilliant comedian, Jared. There's absolutely no reason why you shouldn't have that size audience all over the country. And the thing is, is that you've been doing this for such a long time. You are so skilled, so experienced and you're at the top of your game that people will be lucky to catch you. And I'm so happy that it's sold well. And I hope it sells out. really really because it should you deserve it you're brilliant look my i was thank you this is like

a um confidence boost you know i need you in my earhole every time i'm feeling that's not usually what people say people say i can actually hear you from over here don't want chen in your earhole in fact if anything could you take a step back love because i can still hear you are you using a might you're i'm not using a much phone no no um no look my i was being realistic, my goal was to sell like 500 tickets. I was like, I think I could do 500. So it being at 850 is blown me away. Oh, it's fantastic. And for people listening and anyone that lives in the Leicester or the surrounding areas, if there are any tickets left by the time this comes out, please get yourself a ticket and go and see Jared Christmas. Please do.

Jared, it's been so great talking to you, lovely. Well, thanks for having me, T. What a treat. What a treat. You guys are a treat and you, Joel. I did swim at your Brighton because I was down in Brighton early this week You went to the sea lanes And I went to the sea lanes Did you enjoy it? I really liked it

Yeah I really felt like I was smashing life It's hard not to when you're outside It's hard not to feel like Swimming outside Yeah And it was heated like you said It is heated but it's not warm

It's just not No I mean you've got to move You got to move Yeah yeah yeah But I really liked it I really liked it I'm glad I did that And I went to the

And the night before my friend took me also for a birthday present. I'm really milking my last birthday. Oh, yeah. What do you mean your last birthday? What? You're not going to have another one? Well, that one was the big one,

won't it? Yeah, but you will have others. You'll have others. Yeah, yeah, we won't. I mean, we can guess, but we won't say. Fuck you. 40, yeah, 40. Sure.

Yes, I went to the, Hot Box, what's it called? The Hot Box. It's where all the lesbians go. You went down the hot box. You went to the sauna boxed.

What's it called? Box so, Jesus Christ. The Hot Box. You and I. Trying to remember words. Fucking hell. And I live here, so I don't know what might say. What is it called?

What is it? I've actually now forgotten. I've forgotten. Well, they should call it the hot box. The hot box, anyway. It's on the beach is what people need to know. It's on the beach. Sauna.

So it's a soft. A little sauna cabiny thing on the beach. Is it a hot box sauna? Maybe it is hot box. It should be. It is hot. It carries. It is.

Very sapphic cleanings. It's not hot box. It's beach box. It's beach box. But it was a hot box. It was a hot box on the beach. So fair enough. Fair enough.

It should be called Hotbox Beach sauna. Yeah. Yeah. That really well. You should rebrand it. Yeah. I'll let them know. Obviously, I'm involved.

It is nice I usually do that every birthday Well not every birthday But the last three birthdays That's what I've done Is um Really? Yeah

Because you can rent out a box A hot box Yeah You know what a hot box is I know What a hot box is So you rent out a whole hot box Yeah because we were in there

With some other people I heard Hazel said Did she said She thought they were a throuple That's what yeah She's read It was unfortunate And I said don't be so ridiculous

And then he was massaging Both of them at one point I thought she's right. And then she said that they said, oh, we're thinking of doing that. And he's like, well, if you want a third person, I'd love to come. I was like, yeah, I wasn't really listening, but she was properly, she was multitasking.

She was like listening to me and, and hearning the thruple comflab. If I knew, or if I suspected there was a thruple, I would have actually just actively zoned out of everything. Shut me down. You were saying. Stop talking, no, no, you must keep talking to disguise the fact that I have no longer listening. Yeah, I was like, anyway, and then I went to take her back.

She's like, yeah, sure, yeah, uh-huh, uh-huh. Zooming in on the top drawer, on the top-draffle chat. Yeah, I'm sitting in a hot box listening to a thruple chat. This is what I'm, this is what you want from Bryson. You want to be in a hot box listening to thruple chat. That is perfect. And then pop out for some vegan food. That's what you want.

Yeah, yeah. It was peak. I was peak, it was peak, Brighton. That is peak brighton, actually. And then the next day I went to, um, in a pool on the sea front. and then did a gig And then we did a gig together That was delightful

Yeah And then you did your show didn't you Last year I mean this is And then I did my show at the comedy store And then you did your show Back in the care home Went out did you Wednesday

Did you go out And then you saw some people Were you had a little drink I did I had a show I did a show It's a very good show It's a really good show Are we allowed to like

Say positive things to you Are you going to be able to manage that Yeah. Because look at your face. Your face doesn't look like you're enjoying this conversation at all. Although I did, when I was swimming, I did see a bunch of young people off their tits on the beach on a Tuesday afternoon. And I thought, yeah, that's not great.

But you don't have to, you don't have to engage with that. No, you don't have to take a load of kit and join them. You can just watch them from afar. I know, but they do spoil the vibe. Oh, look at all those young people off their nut on kit. and I saw two people having a blazing row in the lanes one woman on a mobility scooter shouting at another bloke who was clearly pissed out of his head

I won't repeat it because we won't be able to use it but it was the most intense row I've ever seen the woman in the mobility scooter nearly ran him over and he went for her and I thought yeah there is a sight of Brighton that I'm less enchanted by it. Well sure there is that side of Brighton and Brighton being that bit smaller

they're very much visually integrated within the community. But, you know. It really rocks the old ying yang, didn't it, Brighton? You've got to have yang on every level. If you're going to have yin. Is it yin and yang? Or is it yang and yin?

I don't know. That's not. That's not. Well, you should know. You live in Brighton. I should know. And also because I'm a very spiritual person who's constantly analysing my chi.

And my aura. Apparently I've got a very positive aura. Did you know that? Who told you that? I'm just guessing. Oh right so you're not going on on No I don't believe in it So why would I listen to what anyone else says

I genuinely feel that my aura is positive It's been said before Not not to my face Yeah by who Where, when Kerry I just don't believe that anyone's ever said that to you Ever The phrases that do not

Go together in my head are Jen Brister Positive aura I resent that I actually feel like now, as I'm heading inexorably towards death, I have a lot more positivity around me. Oh, we both did the old middle-aged lady post laugh. Oh, you've got to do that with your eyes. If you don't laugh, your bloody cry. That's what my mum used to say.

If you don't laugh, you're bloody cry. Are you got to do that with your eyes? Yeah. You've got to like squeeze your eyes. It's so like that. There you go. You're bloody. I'm Max Rushden.

I'm David O'Dardy. And we'd like to invite you to listen to our new podcast. What Did You Do Yesterday? It's a show that asks guests the big question. Quite literally, what did you do yesterday? That's it. That is it. Max, I'm still not sure.

Where do we put the stress? Is it what did you do yesterday? What did you do yesterday? You know what I mean? What did you do yesterday? I'm really down playing. like what did you do yesterday? Like I'm just I'm just a guy just asking a question

but do you think I should go bigger? What did you do yesterday? What did you do yesterday? Every single word this time I'm going to try and make it like it is the killer word. What did you do yesterday? I think that's too much, isn't it?

That is over the top. What did you do yesterday? Available wherever you get your podcasts every Sunday.