Memory Lane with Kerry Godliman and Jen Brister - S03 E06: Fern Brady

Episode Date: February 21, 2024

"I don't think Scotland had health adverts telling people not to hit their kids..." What an absolute pleasure to have @fernfrombathgate come on our podcast this week! The life Fern has had isn't done justice by our podcast... but there are still some AMAZING stories and some brilliant pictures for you all to enjoy. One of the highlights being Gala day. Photo 01 - The book of manners Photo 02 - First birthday Photo 03 - Me and dad Photo 04 - Gala day Photo 05 - Unfocused eating cereal Photo 06 - School uniform Photo 07 - Me and Irvine Welsh PICS & MORE - https://www.instagram.com/memory_lane_podcast/ A Dot Dot Dot Production produced by Joel Porter Hosted by Jen Brister & Kerry Godliman Distributed by Keep It Light Media Sales and advertising enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

When you support Movember, you're not just fundraising, you're showing up for the men you love. Your dad, your brother, your partner, your friends. It isn't just a men's issue. It's a human one. That's why Movember exists to change the face of men's health. From mental health and suicide prevention to prostate and testicular cancer research and early detection, Movember is tackling the biggest health issues facing men today. Join the movement and donate now at Movember.com.

Tim's new Cravable Raps are made for the times your boss said the what now? Or your teacher mentions that thing I'm a bob. Need to pick me up. Snack back to reality with Tim's new cravable raps available in Chipotle or Ranch. Plus tax at participating restaurants in Canada for a limited time. Hello and welcome to Memory Lane. I'm Jen Bristair and I'm Kerry Godleman. Each week we'll be taking a trip down Memory Lane with our very special guest

as they bring in four photos from their lives to talk about. To check out the photos we'd be having a natter with them about, They're on the episode image and you can also see them a little bit more clearly on our Instagram page so have a little look at Memory Lane podcast.

Come on, we can all be nosy together. I mean people come up, I had to do some PR for Trigger Point the other day and they were like, how do you research your cat? I don't, I don't. I mean, you shouldn't really say that in an interview but I'm like,

I just learn the lines and like furrow my brow and put on a toast shirt. Yeah, that's what I assumed she was doing. I didn't think he became a chemist to do the role. I didn't think... Oh look, there she is doing that degree in chemistry because...

Oh, look, there's Kerry doing a shift down at... Oh! Super drug. Yeah, there's she... That's actually probably more on brand you in a tabard behind the tier let. Just standing, bothering a pharmacist. What are you doing now?

Why are you putting that with that? What's the outcome of that? How many pills? How many? Anyway, I didn't say that. I said, yeah, no, I did a lot of really. research. I am. If people are going in thinking, Kerry, you look like...

She's really method. Very method and you've gone in and you've done a lot of research. You've done a lot of prep to get into the role of this character that isn't you because it's acting. Yeah. And I didn't write it. No. And you say, I just, there's some words written on a page and I said them out loud. That's going to, that's going to detract from, you know, when people watch that performance and they'll go, oh, is it acting or is it just Kerry reading?

You know when you turn up to do like some sort of corporate people go Do you do a lot of these? Yeah How many of these have you done this week? This is your first one? Yeah, yeah All of these questions are fucking stupid

Please assume that as a comedian It's been going for over 20 years That I have performed on stage before I do know what I'm doing And I can read an auto queue And can you get out of my fucking face And then answer you I've got one for you

I've got one for you You're going to love this one. My tolerance for people asking me stupid questions, and I think this is just because I'm older now. But it's... You work one people before. No, but it's definitely... I think it's shrunk.

It's shrunk that my patience for human beings is really low at the moment. And stupid questions, stupid questions. Don't ask me stupid questions. And I know that I am guilty of asking people stupid questions, and I think it's fair when I ask a stupid question that people give me the face that goes, can you just fuck off and die? What's your favourite stupid question?

Oh, what, that have, I've been asked? Yeah. Oh, fucking how. What's your favourite joke? Who's your favourite comedian? Oh, yeah, yeah. What's your, what's your, what's your favourite heckle? Sorry, what's your favourite heckle?

Where'd you get your ideas from? Where'd you get your ideas from? A shop? I buy them on the internet. You've got to get on the internet. That's where I get all my ideas. I get him off Jeff Bezos. Jeff's got all the ideas and we download Jeff's brain into our own brains

and then we have his ideas. I go to Ideas.com and I purchase 10 for the price of five. Yeah. They're 50% off ideas at the moment. You've got to get on there. Get yourself a couple of ideas and then you too can do this job. Oofed. My God.

let's get your ideas from Oh Is that true that bit This is another thing Is that true that bit that you did Is that true that bit that you did? Is your mom really Spanish Is that true that bit that you did?

No No This is the other bit Is that bit that you did about being a lesbian Is that bit true that bit you did? No, no No, it's all fiction I am a heterosexual

Well Heterosexual woman Married to a man Where have you been gigging in the 80s? This is what it feels like. People are like, is it, yeah, it's hard to keep

your call when you ask those. How do you learn your lines? Oh, oh, how do I answer this without being facetious? How do you learn your... They asked Judy Dench that on our cultural life. Oh, no. I was like, fucking hell.

Think of a better question. We're licking the barrel if you're asking Dench how she learns her lines. No one should be asking Dench that. They see, the characters that I play, Sonia Reeves, the scientist, Oh yeah, sorry, let's get back to someone. No one's coming up to her and going,

how'd you do that? How do you remember all the periodic table? How'd you know? How'd you just know that if you put that wire with that wire, London blows up? How do you know? If we've got proper jobs, people would have not asked us any questions.

Then you want a level of success where people ask you questions, then they ask us questions. and we're like, fuck off with your question. I used to think, wouldn't it be great to get to a point where you're being interviewed? How lovely. And then the second you're being interviewed,

you're like, what the fuck is this? And whatever happens, they always make some snarky comment in there about, it's a shame that Bristair wasn't able to like smile. Do you know what I mean? They'll make some sort of comment about you. Oh, really? Yeah.

Is that what you get? Yeah. Well, I also, it's like halfway through, someone's asked you a stupid question. And I'm sorry, but my face will show it. I'll be like, well, I don't know what you asked me about. And then the journalist. says it? Oh, she looks living.

And at that point, we realise that Jen Brister's sense of humour only appears on stage and after stage. Oh, that sounds like a direct quote. Is that a real quote? No, I mean, but it's a future quote, I'm sure. It's a future quote. Let's now keep it light. Yeah. Tell me about your half term. Uh, we went to Bath. Did you? Yeah, we went to Bath. I've got some friends in Bath, so we went there.

Chloe and I have. I love Bath. Yes, and our friends live in a beautiful, beautiful townhouse in the centre of Bath, which is delightful. How do you get friends like that? Oh, we've just got friends. We've got very successful friends. How have you been up with such successful friends? Well, through Chloe, actually, to be fair, all of my friends are failing comedians who live in bed sits.

But Chloe's got friends who are affluent and are doing very well. Wow. How lovely. I came down to Brighton, funny enough, but you weren't there. No, I was in Bath. Ah, that was when you were in Bath. Yeah, we came down for a couple of days. Oh, no, that's not when I was in Bath.

I was in London. No, you said you were going to London. I was in London, yes. So Chloe and I had a weekend away in London. We went to a show. Oh my God, I've actually got something to say. I never have anything to say. Oh my God, I've actually done some things, Kerry.

We went to see a play. What play? Dear Octopus at the National Theatre, which was very good. Yeah, I enjoyed it. I've really enjoyed it. It was, I mean, it's, you know, it's long. It's quite long. But, you know, theatre is long, isn't it?

It's supposed to be long. Yeah, it can be. And then the next day, we saw a brilliant exhibition. Kerry, you're going to love this. We went to Tate Britain and we saw an exhibition. Oh, I've seen it. Women in revolt. I saw you tweeted it. Yes, I went a few weeks ago.

Loved it. I spent nearly three hours in there. Yeah, it was real. Did you put the headphones on and watch the little videos? Oh, I did. Yeah, I loved that. That was right up my favourite things. Right on.

And I ended up having this really intense conversation with this woman in there where we sort of like offloaded and then hugged and then it was quite powerful. I feel like that is a place where women go to offload and hug. How lovely. It was two nights we had. We haven't had two nights away together alone since the children were born. Well, we've had our Glastonbury's when you're not with your kids. I know, but alone, alone just to tell us.

Not with like a gang of people. What did you do? Not loads, actually. I've queued up for my American visa. on Tuesday that took up most of the day. I felt like I was sort of trapped in a sort of Kafka like installation while I queued. Then I cued, then I cued to join another queue. Then they said, you've come to the end of this queue.

Can you join that queue? And I said, okay. And then I had to go through security to join that queue. Then I had to do my fingerprints and my thumbprints. Then I had to go and join another queue. It's the thumbprints that really, it's weird, isn't it, doing the thumbprints? Yeah. You think, am I?

America is not keen on having people come over. They don't want people coming over. They don't want you there. They've made it quite clear. So that took up one of my days. And then we came down to Brighton for a couple of days. The kids were quite busy. They sort of seem to have things.

This is what I'm finding. Your kids are still little, so they need you. But this is what happens is I keep myself free. Hey, kids, it's half term. And they're like, right, I don't know what you've got planned, but we're going out. And then you're sitting around knitting and mulching and going, here we are. Here we are. I don't know what you're doing.

I don't know what your plans are. We've got half term. We're going out. Yeah. What we learned from this half term is that we didn't make enough fixed plans. We thought that just being present and being with our children and day to day saying, why don't we do this and why don't we do that? We thought that would be enough and that we would bond and gel and grow as a family.

But what we learnt was that that is not what our children want. They want us to fill every single second of their fucking day. Otherwise, it's, I'm bored. I hate my life. Do I have to? Fine. You took them to bath? Yeah, you think that wasn't enough.

That was only two days of the seven days that they had off. Oh, what do I do now? Can I, when can we put the TV on? Can I put this, play with the switch? Can you do something where you're not looking at a screen for two minutes, you absolute tools. I had to get cards out. I was like, let's play cards

because it was pissing down at and they were like, oh my God. Shoot me in the face. They do. Teach them shit head. They'll love that. Yeah, I haven't taught them shithead yet.

We're still on old maid and go fish. They'll love shithead. Shitheads coming up. So, Kerry, who are we talking to? Right, today we are talking to the wonderful Fern Brady who I just adore.

I love it. I love this. interview. And also... I've always loved Fern. Same. And I feel like the second week she walked in, I was like, yeah, here she is. We can...

I can connect. I immediately know her to plug in with Fern and I feel relaxed and at ease. And yeah, this conversation was a lot of fun. Did you enjoy Taskmaster? Yeah, that was amazing. Yeah, because it does let you be a new one. Yeah. Oh, Bakeoff was a wee bit like Taskmaster, but more stressful.

I see, I can't get out of... James Acaster's routine about having a breakdown on Bake-Off. I always just think, oh, you just have a breakdown on Bake-Off, is that the thing? I didn't watch Bake-Off until the day after I finished filming it. And I really saw my mistakes then because you're supposed to be funny on it if you're a comedian. And I went on and treated it as if I was a professional baker. That sounds funny to me. No, I treated it as if I was a professional baker applying for a job.

What better way to approach it? I couldn't bear to deliberately mess up a cake. Fern, but this is what we want for me. If I'm watching Fern Brady doing something, I want, I want distilled Fern Brady committed to the task of 100%. The way I thought the program was going to work. I thought it was going to be a sort of silent live stream

of me baking for two hours, right? Which I'd happily watch by the way. And then, you did not know what the show was at all, did you? No, I didn't know at all. and someone said I'm kind of pals with this girl with internet friends with this girl Lottie that was on real bakeoff

and she said oh Paul Hollywood's not going to know how I take you and then the guy when I bake I get really angry if anyone comes in for the kitchen because I bake a lot as a hobby so imagine the point of the show first

talking while baking being jolly and japing or baking Can you imagine, sorry, mate, can you fuck off? I mean, I don't get who you are, Paul. Get the fuck out of my kitchen. Imagine you don't know the premise in the show. I just wanted to win it.

And the whole time I was doing it, this fucking guy was coming over. Paul Hollywood, that's Paul Hollywood. And he was like, he was going, you're not mixing your dough long enough, you're not mixing the dough long enough. And I was like, okay. And then he would like put his fingers into the dough.

And I was like, I hope you've washed your hair. and then the old woman that was on it was coming in. Taking door by Paul! Yeah, no, that's, I mean, that is not acceptable. But what they're doing is, winding you up and filming teleguld. That's what they want. Here's the other thing that happened.

So I've tried really hard to, people are like, oh, just be yourself and give people compliments, right? So I met Prue, I met Prue leave. And I was like, hello, and she went, I know who you are. I said, listen Now in hindsight I know this sounds weird that I said it to her

I said listen I loved your euthanasia documentary on Channel 4 because she made this amazing eupenacea documentary our son's a Tory MP who's like I think euphon Asia's murder

and Peru is like everyone should have euthanasia now and it was such a good documentary so as soon as I met And I was like, your euthanasia documentary was amazing. And then Mel B was standing next door

and Mel was like, what was that? And Prue was going, oh, it's just rather dark, that upsetting thing I filmed. And I was going, no, you should be proud of it. And Mel was like, what, euphonage that? How was this happened again? That is just TV land, didn't it? It just happened.

That was off camera. Oh, no. That should have been on camera. That's goal. Maybe It's Mabelene is such an iconic piece of music. Hit the check. Everyone in the studio that I worked on this jingle with all had like childhood stories or memories.

Yeah, we're around either watching these commercials on TV or sitting with our moms while they were doing their makeup and it became really personal for us. You know what's better than the one big thing? Two big things. Exactly. The new iPhone 17 Pro on Telas' five-year rate plan price lock. Yep, it's the most powerful iPhone ever, plus more peace of mind with your bill over five years.

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See app for details. When I saw this, I was like, did I grow up really, really poor? Because look at the background, but I think someone was just having their kitchen done. Oh, yeah, that is. He's like I'm in Russia. Pass it to me. Just to be clear, we've got actual physical photographs here. Normally they're on her phone and we can all look at them at the same time.

But Fern has brought in actual one in a frame probably from her wall. Look, Fern, I can't get over how cute you are in this picture. Yeah, it was lovely. This is your first birthday? Must be. That must be your cake. I cannot get over how cute you are. Yeah.

But then I was really ugly for ages. You were just growing into yourself. You were a very beautiful woman. Pass me that picture as well. This one. Right. I'm going to do these two together. This is like a two in one.

Right. We're doing two in one here. So baby fern. So baby fern, both here with your dad. Yeah. And is that your grandparents next to your dad in that picture then? Yeah, yeah. No, that's my maternal grandparents.

They were nice. The other ones weren't. Where are you there? I'm in. Is that your grandparents? A village called Fault House, which is the little mining village my grandparents lived in. It was horrible. It was everyone that came from that village.

Well, how do I say this in a way that won't get me cancelled in modern times? Everyone was really strange in that village. There was a lot of cousins. Yeah, a lot of cousins marrying each other. My grandparents had the same surname before they got married, but I've been told they weren't related. They know. because they were from different villages that were like slightly further apart

so whereabouts is this finish just outside Edinburgh or? Yeah, yeah so I'm from about 20 minutes outside Edinburgh all the villages are just places that they built for miners to live in I'm from a town called Bathgate which is like a bit nicer

than the little village my grandparents were from because I know in Glasgow it's very sectarian yeah sectarian yeah same where I'm from Catholics and Protestants. is the same in Edinburgh as well? No, so I'm...

Not in Edinburgh, city, but where I'm from just outside, I remember an Irish girl saying to me, oh, I used to work where you're from in West Lothian, and they're more Irish than the Irish. It's like, they're so...

Because we have separate schools, it's like they've perfectly preserved 1950s Irish culture. It's bizarre. But yeah, like, everything when I was growing up was defined by whether you were Catholic or Protestant and my dad used to say all these mad things to me like like if my mum told him to do the garden and he'd be like

Catholics don't have nice gardens you just grow up with stuff like that did she call that bullshit out she's still so like now that they're divorced and stuff she'll complain about it now and she has a lovely garden now and her boyfriend's Catholic so it's like wow I don't know why he was saying that he really pulled on a new trick there.

You know what I mean? It's like you can literally touch hang anything on a Catholic. Actually Catholics don't need washing up. Or you told me Catholics don't have internet. Because they took the internet away from us. Bloody hell.

So look, who were you as a little kid? Because we're only a baby in these pictures. But were you, did you have any siblings? Have you got siblings? Yeah, I've got two younger brothers. Have you? Yeah. I didn't know they had two younger brothers.

Yeah. They both live in China. Yes, of course they do. How do I've forgotten this? Yeah. How come they both live in China? Oh, because one of them... No, one of them did the TEFL thing after uni,

where he went out to teach English. And then he just was like, I love it. I'm never coming back. Britain is a failed state. I love China. This is how he talks, right? I don't want to say that my... I love it.

I don't want to say I think my brother was autistic, but he speaks him very... like definite sentences and then the youngest brother me and him used to be like what was Daniel like going on and on about China being the best and then the youngest one went for a visit

and he was like fair and it's the best and then he split up with this girl that he was seeing went on holiday to China and just never came back and then the two of them started making craft beer together oh so they were together they do yeah yeah they were and they were doing like

they did this very hipster they make beer and pizza there's not a big demand for that do they ever try and persuade you to complete the family join the family they're always like why you're not coming to China have we not explained

that fucking great joiners well you saw out a couple of gigs I'm there I've not been it was great it was really good have you gig there no not for gigs I just went for Christmas one year and it was great

I think I gained 10 pounds oh the food has to be amazing the food was unbelievable where do they live whereabouts in China Shanghai one of them lives Shanghai proper and the other one lives in the countryside since he's had a kid. But yeah, it's amazing.

It's so good. Like I would say definitely don't be put off by, because there is a lot of anti-Chinese stuff here and people talk about the government and stuff. But the actual people, when you're there, they're so friendly. Like I was sitting in this, the local food market was my brother. My brother, well, both of them now are fluent in Chinese, but the middle one especially. and it's quite mad to hear a guy with this accent just switch

in the Chinese. And my brother was chatting away to the stall owners and he was going, no, this isn't my wife. I actually learned the word for wife while I was there because the number of times my brother said, this isn't my wife about me. And I was like

you said it yourself funny. Yeah, I was going, Daniel, how the fuck can you speak Chinese? And he went, just because they will not stop talking to you. Like, even when I went out on my own, I couldn't do anything because I couldn't speak a word of Chinese, but people constantly wanted to chat to me when I was out and about. Yeah.

Whereas London, if you were an immigrant here, I mean, you could spend a decade here. No one's really to say a word to you. Let's have a look at your next photograph because I just wanted to say to, there was a picture of you doing karate. Oh yeah, this is, um, this is me doing martial arts in the rain. Is this like a karate parade? no it's a thing called bathgate gala day

so where I'm from all the mining villages where I'm from they would have these things called gala days and it's an opportunity for all the it was invented originally for mining towns to have a day out and have a party and the idea was you would get really dressed up

have a parade dress as kings and queens and that was like your highlight of the year and they still have this tradition going even though we don't have minds. But the parades got weirder and weirder, so it used to be in my town. You would dress up as Princess Marjorie, who was this princess that had something to do with Bathgate.

Not neighbours. No. And then it just turned into like all the teachers at your school would dress up as the Flintstones and dance around on the back of a lorry driving. Like American Halloween, where they're like, dressing up. We're not. It's no thing.

So this, yeah, we're just, we do what we like. This picture is of our local, this is actually tequando. It's local tequando. Is it still called a ghee though? Like the outfit. In karate, it's a ghee, isn't it? I can't remember what that thing's called. Yeah, because my son does karate.

So that white outfit is a guy. I just, thanks still do it. Yeah. Yeah, because my boys do it. Well, one of you done. Basically, we would do the moves while walking through the town. Oh, yes. Oh, my God.

It does look chaotic though. You just walked all through the town doing, doing high kicks. Like the thriller video. It's yeah. And it's so, the fact that I'm like so happy and smiling, even though I'm drenched to,

because I didn't know any better. Because it rains all year in Scotland. And I want to move home and my boyfriend won't move home because of the weather. Oh, fair enough. Then whenever you see pictures like this, I was so happy because I love living there.

You don't look happy despite the situation. Yeah. Why were you so? happy. What was it about it you loved? Because it was Gallaudy. And everybody loved it? Everyone loves Galady. So the way Galaday works is you do the parade in the morning, right?

You go, and also there's another thing where when you're six, all the six-year-old girls in the town get to be a flower girl. Right. And that's where you get to wear an ice dress and you sit on the back of the audience. It sounds so shit.

I know, but you're six. I'll give you a self a little. Yeah. You sit on the back of a dress. a lorry and you wave to everyone but you're the bell of the ball yeah like the queen in the lead up

to being a flower girl for weeks and weeks if you get you either get to be a flower girl or a rainbow girl your parents decorate all of the front of your house and they make flowers

out of tissue paper I've got a memory of them making it out of toilet paper for some reason that is a terrible like given the weather what I know

I didn't really thought that's rude. And they put it all around the front of your house so that everyone in the street knows that you're a flower girl. And then if you get to be the princess, listen, only Protestants got to do that. I'm sure of it. I actually think it was... I couldn't say that if I was still in Scotland

because they would kill me. But they did only have a Protestant, get to be the princess. But your mum and dad would build... There's been cases where people have built this whole exterior thing for the front of the house to make the house look like a castle

well like an almost like a porch to the front of the house of a yeah exactly what day of the year is this garden it's in June June it looks like it's in November that was there was a car going over the sun in that moment

so you do the parade in the morning you go back you get changed and then you have a barbecue in the garden with your family then at night you get to go to the shows which is the fairground but there was also a thing that I was never allowed to go to called Danger Night

and Danger Night would happen in the run-up to the Galladay and people said that was where all the people that ran the fairground didn't tighten the boats on the roller coasters No that's got to be enough that's a minute I mean so all the rides were only a pound and my mum would let me go

and someone might die Yeah, yeah. Weird how your mum was like, I don't even care if that's a conspiracy. You're not going on that fucking mess. Yeah. In that picture, you look really happy to be in your taekwondo outfit. Yeah, it's weird because I was awful at it.

Look, Fern, I don't want you to take this the wrong way. You have many, many skills and of which comedy is just one. But I don't get the impression that coordination is something that you excel out. I remember, and my brothers are the same. Like, I remember my mom took us to this, Tequando. It was kind of like an all-day fighting championship between children.

I remember. I remember the only nice bit was that my mom had made us a lot of sandwiches that we could eat in between just getting battered again and again and again. We just lost every single round. What did you mean like it was a contact sport? So you would have like actually. I mean I had little gloves on. That's fighting.

That's kids fighting with sandwiches. I mean, like I'm wearing big thick spectacles. Like, I couldn't fight without my glasses. You don't look like it bothers you. You look kind of cool with it. Like, what age did you do taekwondo till? I think till I was 11. It would have been from 8 till 11.

And it definitely was, in hindsight, it was because we, all three of us got bullied. And my mom thought that would help. I think it just makes it worse. Just things that kids do, like whether it be football or, like my kids do, my son does karate. It's just, kids just do things, don't they? You just need to give them things to do.

Like go to that club, do that thing. Yeah, often it's like, play that instrument. Is it after school? That's my thing. Yeah, there we go. Instruments. That's a lot more, like, that's me putting clarinet from my dad. Right, that's what I mean, like music.

And your dad looks like he's really having a great time. At that one-person concert. Oh, my goodness. Your dad is really zoned in to you playing the clarinet. It's such a cute picture. A lot of these have got your dad in them, haven't they? Like, really invested in whatever you're doing. No, I, so, well, I can I explain.

My mom recently sent me every photo of me ever and all photos of my dad, and I think she was just trying to bend them because she doesn't want any photos of my dad. Oh, I've received a lot of photos. My mom's like, get rid of these, do you want these? Like, oh, wow, loads of phones. Yeah, my mom did one of those. Yeah, because I suppose, as well, pre-smartphones, in the end you're like, you can fill boxes and boxes and boxes of pictures.

She sent like a shoebox in the post unannounced. And then she was like, I want you assign this thing for when I'd die. And I was like, you're 60. Yeah, that's young. Oh, it was so dramatic. Wow. But your dad's in all these pictures, so you think she was getting rid of them as well. Yeah, yeah.

But yeah, it does paint a picture of my dad being very involved. So let's find out who you were as a kid. Were you, and you say you were bullied? Were you? Who were you? What were you? What were you? Who were you as a kid?

She was this guy. Oh my God, okay. Those glasses are quite a lot, aren't they? Yeah. Yeah, there's a lot of photos of me like that where it seems like I can't even focus and look into the camera. Hair straighteners hadn't been invented yet, and my hair was so curly,

it would just stick out all over the place. why do people give curly head kids bangs? Because it doesn't work. I had a fringe and it looked so bad. It looks so bad. Yeah, they one time sent me for a ball cut without telling me my parents. Yeah.

And I was crying so hard. And then I went into school the next day with my hood up. And I remember my parents just pissing themselves laughing. They thought it was so funny I was crying. Why? Because they were like, oh, it doesn't look that bad. And I just thought, I'm already getting bullied because I'm a dark and you've like enhanced it.

Wow. I mean, I've only just started your book, but the bit about your mum blow dry on your hair every night, fucking hell, but that's unbelievable. Oh my God, yeah. She was dry my hair and then if I complained about the sensation of it, she'd just smash me over the head with a hair dryer.

Here on the head with a hairdryer. I did it again, just started from scratch. Yeah, yeah, but then when I was at school, I was saying to one of my friends, I was like, oh, my mom hits me on the hedge with a hairdryer. and my best mate was like my mum does that too so it was very much the norm to

I don't think Scotland had started doing health board adverts telling you not to hit your kids with a hair dryer well I think they had adverts for it I don't remember that everyone's about not going off with strangers but not about don't hit your kid with it

no you could hit your kid in public no kid I remember Frankie Boyle saying that they had had to have adverts in Scotland to tell you it's good to talk to your children Shit. Oh my God. This school uniform one's good.

Yeah, the... Tell us about your school. That's a Catholic school uniform if ever I saw one. Really? Did you have to wear that sort of gear? Yeah, kind of similar to that, although we didn't have to wear a blazer. Oh my, my God.

School uniform was awful. So uncomfortable. Was it really strict? So strict. It was so, so strict. Did you have a gang of mates? Did you have a gang of gie mates? Did you have a gang of geeky mates?

Did you have friends at school? Yeah, yeah. I had, um... really geeky sort of emo goth friends but our school it was weird because I had teachers that were definitely drunk on duty and the school was never strict about that

what do you mean drunk what do you mean actually pissed I actually moved I moved schools myself in sixth year because I kept saying to my parents we've got these awful common teachers I sound like a snob.

I was like quite a geeky kid and I really wanted to do well at school. You were super smart as well weren't you? You were like straight A student. Yeah but we had these teachers that were spelling my punishment exercises wrong because the way Catholic schools work in Scotland

is they prioritise getting a teacher who's Catholic over the teachers good. Because I went to a Protestant school in 60 R and I remember being like this is like private school this is amazing. Wow. Because the teachers were like teachers what you're

see it in the films where they're like invested invested educated fully qualified seems like they've been a uni sober i remember i remember one of my math teachers obviously everyone's got tattoos now and tattoos have almost become quite a middle class thing but i remember one of my teachers had these he was like very glass-weegean and he had these like faded uh tattoos on his forearms and it worked like they'd been half-lasered off um and another teacher who I would have described this he would his eyes would roll into the back of his head

when he was teaching us maths and then he would take a sip out of this flask and any time he took a sip out of the flask he would stop rolling his eyes back into his head and see in hindsight now I think the guy was having like alcoholic seizures or something because it was so strange

and I kept going home with my parents and being like you've got to see the teachers in this school and what did they say your parents My parents were, it was very much just like, get on with it. Get on with it and go to school. Fuck. Oh, it was, well no, actually my mum was quite good.

I remember my mum being like, I had the teachers at your school are dicks. But my dad's, when my dad had gone to that school and when he first went to it, he was like, no, it was a really good school. But yeah, so you had teachers that couldn't spell. We had all these teachers that were from Coatbridge, which I don't know how to describe what a shit whole Coat Bridge is. but they were busing in all these Catholics from Coopridge and then I had an art teacher that kept massaging my shoulders Oh my God, my man, that's like what's going on? Well, do the girls wouldn't do higher art

Yeah Oh, you have to watch with, I remember saying this I was telling this story during Taskmaster And everyone else got like dead upset by it And I was like, alright, calm down But that, back then, like you didn't know what to do If teachers did stuff like that just meant no one did higher art.

That's just so fucking awful, isn't it? They're like, whole lives. I know. Someone's trajectory is affected by some dodgy old perv that just was anti-pervy teachers. I don't know how you found Catholic school. How's you find it? I haven't been found that it's shite.

Well, the whole reason I was interested in being educated and going to uni was to be able to question stuff and the whole point of Catholicism is don't you dare question anything. And it really, really annoyed me. Do you still have a sense of guilt on a Sunday when you're not there? No. I have the thing where every time I have sex I'm like,

fuck you, Jesus. People are always saying to me, or read the book How to Women Friends and Influence People. This has been happening to me since I was little. This is a picture of me holding a book called A Child's Book of Manners, which my godfather bought for me sarcastically. Wow.

And I was like four. So there's been this constant theme of just trying to learn the trope. of behaviour that you think is socially normal. Well, yeah, it's interesting because people were already seeing that I was autistic but didn't know the words for it. And you know now, with retrospect, it fits all your back, you're like, oh, hang on.

Well, when I got diagnosed, they had to interview my mum, and they were like, oh, did she have any autistic traits as a child? And my mom was like, ah, she used to growl at strangers when they spoke to her in the street. But other than that, no. Oh no.

It's so interesting, like, that whole thing of you, just being you, authentically you. Yeah. And then everybody else trying to make you fit into the mould that reflects them. And not ever going, okay, well, let's try and understand Fern. Let's try and see who Fern is. But since you've written the book and like an ambassador maybe for, because when we met her lastude and that young friend of ours and she really wanted to meet you. That was actually ready moving, meet you.

Frank's best mate, Esther's a master. see Fern at Ferns. Yeah, she was so cool. So you must have that quite a lot like young people wanting to. Yeah. I don't know if you saw in the queue after it. There was like people crying into my face. Oh wow. And it was quite overwhelming but really gratifying because obviously like in the main I do jokes about willies and stuff so no one's coming up being like that joke helped me so much. Like I'm not a stand up. You're in a different role. Well you know how some people do stand-up shows where people are like man that show helped me so much none of my stand-up has done that for anyone so it's really been the first time i mean i get messages about the i've had messages about the book every day

since it's came out how do you feel about that is that a lot of responsibility yeah it's a bit of a responsibility and then and also the thing that comes over is the difference for girls and women yeah that's quite a big part of the narrative as well isn't it yeah people say it's harder to diagnose us because we're better at masking, which is a load of shit because, like, I wasn't good at masking, and they're on up to getting diagnosed. We didn't say like you were good at last.

I remember my agent being like, he didn't say it in a horrible way. We were backstage at something. And I said, oh, yeah, I think I might be autistic. And he was like, yeah, I mean, if you're not, I don't know what. It was so, if I've misquoted you,

Chris, I know I was said in a nice way. I don't know what this. And then I had someone from the, audience come up. This was one of the things that, because I'd kind of delayed getting diagnosed, I don't like going to the doctor anyway, and then I had someone come up to me after

her gig and was like, a lot of your set sounds like being an autistic woman and she was like, go and read this book, and that kind of set me back on the path to, I mean, that was 2017 or something, and even then it still took me ages because I just was like, oh, I don't

want a label, and I don't know what the point is, And then I went through a phase of thinking I could probably coach myself out of it, which made me a lot worse. Yeah. It made me really depressed. The bit in your book that I found really moving was when Connor had been studying how, like, useful ways.

Yeah. And when she was having, like, you know, freaking out, and just holding her and calming you down. And it was really moving. Because he didn't think I was, we've been going out about 11 or 12 years now. And he said when he said when he, he first met me he just thought he was like that's girl's an asshole and he always goes on about

this what he said all you would talk about was comedy even though I showed no interest in her that does sound like my marriage yeah that does sound like every comedian yeah to be fair blink through five years of like fanaticism

I've been with you two of us with Ben or with Chloe and we ignore them and just talk about comedy and family I completely horseholes. Yeah. Yeah. And then he said there was one time I spelled a cup of tea up the wall at his house

and then I just like walked off whistling and didn't even acquire to me to clean it off. And this, the tea incident would get brought up again and again and again and again. And then he said there was just a lot of other stuff I did that didn't make sense. Like I would get really wound up on public transport. Yeah. Like unusually wound up at noises and stuff to the point where I would, I'd be really angry at people. And then one day I said to him,

I think I'm probably autistic. We must have been going out five or six years. And then he read up on it and he was like, ho, I am, this is definitely what you've got. And then he started secretly reading up on how it would be in a relationship with an autistic adult. And applied the tips. And he was using all these tactics on me.

And they were working. Yeah, but up to a point. And then he was like, you've got to go and get a diet. Yeah, he was like, you have to go get help. It's the matcha or the three ensemble Ciceroa of the FACET that I just denichie who energize so much. It's the ensemble.

The form of standard and mini-regrouped, what old ben? And the embellage, too beau, who is practically pre-to-doned. And I know that I'd they'd offer them, but I'll guard the Summer Fridays

and Rare Beauty by Selena Gomez. I'm, I'm sure. The most ensembles The Fesonsomew of the Fesfordo Cadeau des Rewty Way, Cifora Collection, and other part of VIT. Procurrevee you these formats,

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Could we just do the Irving Welsh This is my most treasured photo It's in a frame For the listener It's a polaroid picture In a frame of Fern How old are you there? I was 16 there

And Irvin Welsh Did he come to your school? 16 No So So I was in fifth year And I'd heard word My best friend was in 16th year

and I'd heard word that advanced English class was getting to go to the local arts centre to meet Irvin Welsh and he was giving a talk for World AIDS Day. Yeah. And I was very... Was you a fan anyway? Oh, I loved him.

I'd read all his books. And I was like weirdly proactive about my education. So I went to the headmistress who was taking people on this expedition and I said, listen if you don't let me go to this I'm going to sky of school and I'm going to go

and she was like I'm all right you can come on the trip so we went on the trip and Irvin Welsh now I've since tweeted him to verify that this happened so this did happen this is such a

this was like a very Westloving way of putting on a thing for World Day's Day they had Irvin Welsh doing the reading and they had one of the other schools had written a play to promote awareness for World Aid Day and the play is that a boy from Scotland goes on a trip to New York has sex with a prostitute immediately gets HIV right and that's the play that's the narrative it was like a morality play right so they put on this play as you dad there was a few different

schools there one of the schools was like the local um like bad boys school I don't know what called School for Bad Boys that get kicked out and stuff Oh like a Bostle Oh like an exclusion school Yeah Oh okay Bostle's a big street

They're in the audience And Arvin Welsh does a reading You would think you would pick a reading From Trains Bottom That's going to be Both raising awareness of HIV And suitable for that age group Yeah

If it was me I would have maybe picked a bit Where Tommy gets remember the guy gets HIV and then he dies and he has the kitten and stuff yeah yeah I do that yeah this is what everyone well shared out

Swanies run out of veins to inject heroin into so he's injecting it into his cock he turns out of parts he was on brand anyway everyone's sitting in the school uniform I was I was buzzing I think I answered about

out of like 10 questions I was asking half of them I was like how do you compare this work to that work I've been I was being very respectful and then the guys for the bar store went are you really rich now and he was like

I I've made money and then after we had a poroid camera me and my friends and we made him take this picture with me and we got him to take a big picture of Oz as a group and got him to sign it, Irv was here. And does he remember when you tweeted him? He doesn't, I tweeted him and he said,

this sounds about, like this sounds like something I would do. Yeah, yeah, yeah. When you've got photographic evidence. Oh, it was. It happened. You can see I'm so happy there. You look so happy. That is a great picture.

And I love it that's in that frame. I love this picture because this is from Fern. from cutie pie to a geek to look at you now. Very way. Yeah, very, very way. This is like, so this looks more like you now. I mean, but obviously you're a teenager there. Yeah.

And can I, because I know we're like, we've got, we've really smashed through and we've talked a lot about your book, but really quickly, when you were a teenager, did you ever, because I feel like there's no job that suits you better than the one that you're doing. Yeah. this job almost as you couldn't like we've like this job has been curated. But just like when you were this age, standing next to Irvin Welsh, what was it, as a teenager, what was it that you thought you a writer? I wanted to be a writer. Yeah, I wanted to write novels.

Oh, well that makes sense. Do you still want to do that? They're trying to get me to do that. It does make natural sense for you. You would be a great. reading your book just the writing the writing is brilliant cheers well see the thing is

see when back then I read multiple books a week whereas now I almost have to be like both the parent and the child where I'm like time to stop looking at Instagram now I read it on Kindle a lot which is good

for if you're on I find it really good for if you're flying a lot and travelling a lot for work but it but it's not as good as reading a paper book right thank you for thanks for having me

and so you're on tour oh yeah when does it start for the first of March first of March in Adelaide though so I'm doing Australia

all over Australia I'm doing New Zealand and then I'm going to America if my visa gets approved and then in autumn I'm going on tour around the UK it actually starts from that's a lot oh it's huge

Oh yeah, you're on tour, internationally. Well, I'm going to take June and July and a bit of August off and then end of August I'll go up to Edinburgh and do a big show and that's when the UK starts. And the best poster you'll ever see for any show. That's amazing. So the posters caused me a lot of problems. It is.

Why? Because a lot of venues have said we're not putting that poster off. Okay, so let's just talk. Right, what's the show called? I gave you milk to drink, which is part of a long, or a Corinthian's quote that's like I gave you milk to drink for you were not ready for me and it's basically

like it's basically saying like I've given you quite soft opinions all along and now I'm going to do my honest opinions in comedy and then the picture is based on a classical painting called the

lactation of St Bernard which is when the Virgin Mary appeared as a vision to St Bernard and she lacked on his lips and this was a series of paintings where the Virgin Mary would her magical tep milk would touch it would touch a priest on the lips and then he could go off and say Jesus Jesus Jesus and what some venues have said absolutely not yeah in my age I remember the day we were doing the photo shoot I

strapped on we were doing the photo shoot and I was strapping drag boobs onto my own boobs and I had this fucking life-like baby doll that was about 60 quid off Amazon and my agent was just sitting shaking his head he had his head in his hands

and I was putting on these garments from the National Theatre that we're tired. I love it because so often I've always had this opinion that within comics always end up with the same promo shot which is then quite done up

and looking up to the left-hand corner as if to say I won't trouble you for long I'm just a funny cookie lady and some funny cookie stories and you're like fuck that I'm doing this I've got to give credit to my mate Alison Spittle

she loves this painting so much that she has earrings with this painting on that so she gave me the idea and I wanted a really Catholic poster but yeah my agent was like our venues aren't going to use this I don't know how we're going to use this and you were okay with that you're like I don't care

I want to do it well if we can pull it off it'll be a really lovely image my only regret is I wish I'd gone heavier on my eye makeup because I've got really simple makeup in it right don't think anyone's eye is drawn to the main takeaway from that post I would have like other things that distract you in that fiction you know what I just realized last week I could have got one of those AI image generators and I could have just typed comedian fair brady squirts tip milk yeah onto a piece. Yeah.

And it would have saved me so much money because that photo shoot cost a minimum of a grand with the, had to get an assistant had to get the baby, the boobs,

the robes. It was terrible. To exercise the entire. That's even before you got the photographer. And my photographer also had to be my model because a lot of men

wouldn't do it. I had two men drop out. What? Because they said it was degrading to, kneel at my feet and I have the milk. Wow. That's so interesting.

I know. I like it as a poster. I think it's great. It's a brilliant poster. So you're on tour. Obviously you'll prefer it for the whole next year. You've got a drunk female character is a Sunday Times bestseller. It's winning all these awards. Fourth week in a row today. I just found out. And what's the award you're nominated for? I won it. You won it? I won it. Congratulations. It was the Nero Non-Fiction Award.

and that's a good one because it's proper it's like a it's one proper writer's get so now the next bit is to see if you get book of the year but I think one of the Irish lads might want to be. That's so brilliant

Yeah it's really cool Well done I know about the nomination but not the win so congratulations Oh yeah thanks That's brilliant Yeah they only just announced it

And I've got you know I've got the book So I will be reading it I could just give you Yeah but you told me not to read it Furn thanks for coming Thanks for having me. We can see you on tour. Your dates will be.

You're not going to be in the UK until September. But before that, you're all over the place for an Australian listeners. You'll be over there and the US. And buy By Fern's book. Yeah, by the Sunday Times bestseller, strong female character. I love that Frankie Bors even put a little. Your best friend, Frankie. Frankie was one of the OG supporters before the book had any accolades.

He gave me a quote. Yeah. Yeah. Anyway, Fern, thanks for coming. It was brilliant talking to you. I'm Max Rushden. I'm David O'Dardy. And we'd like to invite you to listen to our new podcast,

What Did You Do Yesterday? It's a show that asks guests the big question, quite literally, what did you do yesterday? That's it. That is it. Max, I'm still not sure. Where do we put the stress? Is it what did you do yesterday?

What did you do yesterday? You know what did you do yesterday? I'm really down playing it. Like, what did you do yesterday? Like I'm just a guy just asking a question. But do you think I should go bigger? What did you do yesterday? What did you do yesterday?

Every single word this time I'm going to try and make it like it is the killer word. What did you do yesterday? I think that's too much, isn't it? That is. That's over the top. What did you do yesterday? Available wherever you get your podcasts every Sunday.