Memory Lane with Kerry Godliman and Jen Brister - S03 E08: Phil Ellis

Episode Date: March 6, 2024

TRIGGER WARNING - Phil tells a story about (accidentally) nearly hanging himself on stage - skip from 11:30 to 16:00 if this may be upsetting to you. This week we have the brilliant force of comedy Phil Ellis on the show! We barely touch the surface of his stories but the ones he does tell are just hilarious. Plus Kerry and Jen discuss riding a suitcase like a trunky, cosy crime, oysters, toilet art, hand cream... you name it they talk about it. Photo 01 - Me and Rambo (the dog) Photo 02 - Me at school Photo 03 - Me and Rik Mayall Photo 04 - Me at Uni Tickets to see Phil are here - https://www.philelliscomedy.com/tour PICS & MORE - https://www.instagram.com/memory_lane_podcast/ A Dot Dot Dot Production produced by Joel Porter Hosted by Jen Brister & Kerry Godliman Distributed by Keep It Light Media Sales and advertising enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Let yourself run, lift, flow, and go. Explore the new Peloton Cross Training Tread Plus at OnePeloton.ca. I went to TK Max and I got a new suitcase that's got four wheels because what kind of a fool rattles around with a two wheeler these days? Who's doing two wheels now? Well, I had a two wheeler and I got it out and I started packing and I was like, this isn't good. It's not the noughties anymore.

Right with me. You want to be one of those people where you just push it and it just glides next to you. It glides next to you. That's what you want. Just look like a winner. So yeah, I whizzed down to Brixton TK. Max and got myself a four wheeler. which is like a massive trunkey yeah but I mean

it's an adult trunky if I put the gruffalo on the side it's just a huge trunky can you can you sit on it at the top of it and get Ben to wheel me through you should buy you should buy a ticket to the flight he doesn't have to go on the plane

just so he can wheel you all the way to the gate yeah and just push me on to the air of plane. Stand back! Here she comes! Here she comes! On her four-wheel trunkie, on her grown-up trunkey. Hello and welcome to Memory Lane. I'm Jen Bristair and I'm Kerry Godleman. Each week we'll be taking a trip down Memory Lane with our very special guest as they bring in four photos from their lives to talk about. To check out the photos we'd be having a natter with them about, they're on the episode image and you can also see them a little bit more clearly on our

Instagram page. So have a little look at Memory Lane podcast. Come on, we can all be nosy together There we go I like her I like Kelsey's Tuesday morning She doesn't have school on a Tuesday morning Oh so you get to hang out and bond We get to hang out yet

And she's being very She's gone now So I can think about it She's being very present Because I'm about to go away So it's really good There's a lot of like guilt and Oh that's lovely

Cattle mummy Even if it is It's like the anxiety sort of fuelled get a good cuddle honestly I would totally maximise that girl and like get all the cuddles

I just imagine that when they get to like 16, 17th it's a zero cuddle zone oh it's a zero cuddle zone the other day I said will you watch tell you with me and she went no we don't like the same things and I don't like the front room

yeah and I just I was so hurt that I just had to be quiet I just sat and I thought I'm not gonna I'm not going to answer that. I'm just not going to respond.

We don't like the same things and I don't like the front room. And all she went to her room to watch fuck knows what on her laptop. Yeah. Some sort of crap on. Either human centipede or the Kardashians. Something that is not my vibe. I don't like seeing things where particularly I can't watch anything where anything bad happens to a kid. I'm like, I'm out.

No, no, no, no. And now, I'm not. I think of kids have now got older. So now in my head a kid is like anyone under 20 or over 20. Do you know what I mean? Well, violence generally is pretty awful. And also almost all, I was talking about this the other day. Almost all dramas, crime dramas are violence against women.

I mean, almost invariably. Absolutely. Which is why women love a bit of cosy crime. Yes, exactly. Because we don't see the blood. You don't see a woman on a slab or. And there's none of that. It's just like, oh, these two people used to play bridge together.

And then one of them cheated and the other one, right, one, I've got to poison you. Yeah, I'm going to eat around with a candlestick in the billiard room. Yeah, you don't see it. You solve the crime because you're very clever. I'm really clever in my bobble-a-at. And there's no sex and there's no gratuitous murder and blood. You don't even, I've never even seen you shuck an oyster, which is weird given that it's called whistle. Oh, I've shucked an oyster.

babe. I've worn the weird night tan, an oyster shucking glove, which is a metallic netting. Oh, I've had so much fun. I've had so much fun with that glove. Talking of funny hands, what about this? I've got some comedy out of this morning. No one laughed, but maybe I'll get one out of you. Okay. It's got five. So it's a kind of, it's not a visual medium, but you have literally just stuck a pot plant up your sleep. But it's called us something. something cylindrica, a cylindrica something, spaghetti plant. It's got five prongs. It's a sort of succulent, which make five pleasing, green, weird fingers. Like Freddie Kruger. But if Freddy Kruger had green fingers, that's the kind of Andy. Let's pitch this.

Right, she's a woman in everything but her hand. And she has a succulent, a five-pronged, succulent, fingered hand. And she's on a mission to solve time. I don't think Kerry plant fingers has got the same thing to it as Edward Cizzer Hands, but. Come on. Kerry plant fingers.

Kerry succulent cylinders. Kerry. Carrie cactus hand. This has got legs, babe. Let's pitch it. We've spitballing. And look, how many times have we said we've got to come up with some ideas? Yes, this is it.

This is it. This is when I knew it. This podcast is shitting out projects. Shitting out. Literally coming out of your ass is absolute gold. Don't forget, you can probably, whatever's coming out of your ass, you could probably compost that plon of it. Exactly.

That's how ideas work, babe. You compost old ideas. You grow new ideas. That's what we're doing. Yeah. Because ideas are the hardest thing to come up with. Because you and I can write jokes. We can write gold.

Yeah. We can create characters. But give her a part for a hand. Dialogue. Twist it. Yeah. Let's pitch that to Channel 4 now that it doesn't exist. Now that they're not commissioning any comedy.

Now that they're not commissioning anything. We'll probably do better than the last one we have. We'll just say, we'll have a meeting. We don't care that you're not going to commission it. Let's just have a meeting. Let's have a meeting. So Kerry, tell me, who are we talking to today? Well, today we are talking to the very funny Phil Ellis.

Oh, this was so fun. I enjoyed this a lot. He's really, really funny. He's on tour at the moment. If you want to see a unique era of very, very funny stand-up comedy, then let me tell you, Phil Ellis is the man for you. In all podcasts, you should have a hand-hair type. I love it.

It's just, it, smash you a nicely sort of feeling. It really fits your personality so well. Well, welcome back to children in need. I'm here. I'm here at the halfway house. and where I now live. Oh, my God. If anyone should give you a microphone,

doesn't seem right in the first place, but to have you here on the podcast with a handheld mic, it looks mad. How are you? I'm good. I'm good, thank you, yeah. I always remember our Welsh, our Wales journey. Yes, yeah, yeah, that was fun.

What was that? It was a run of gigs in sort of Cardiff, Swansea, and um Brecon and Aberystwyth like a little tour yeah it was like a mini tour and Phil

you were doing you did this really because Phil was like okay so I'm going to do this run of gigs in Wales which she did and then the next day you decided a great place

to then drive to you didn't even have a car for your next gig do you remember where your next gig was? Wasn't it? Oh yeah it was insane because I think I had to go somewhere else didn't I?

Where was it? You had to go to Norwich. Oh yeah, that was it. Oh, that's really far from Wales. We were in West Wales and then Phil went, oh, we're in the car with Amy Gladhill. That's right, yeah.

And Phil goes, oh, yeah, I don't know how I'm going to get to Norwich. And I said, what? Yeah, I got, um, Got a gig in Norwich. How are you going to get there? And Phil was like, well, I don't know. I haven't thought about it.

And I was like, we're in Aberystwyth. I didn't get there, I think, as well. I'm obviously. How did you get there? But it set the scene of, like, that really encapsulated the entire time I'd had with Phil was just this kind of chaotic energy that then culminated in, I don't know, I'm going to get to Norwich. That doesn't sound chaotic.

It sounds really laid back to the point of like, maybe you need more chaos. Yeah, yeah. But it's like... Something to jig this along. It's like one of those films. You know when someone can go like really, I sort of sit there in slow motion and everything's going, ah. Like that Alana Morissette video from the 90s. Yeah, that's right.

Yeah, that's right. Yeah. Hello. I mean... Yeah. I am, Phil, going to ask you. in this podcast to relay a couple of the anecdotes that you told me

which have stayed with me for a very long time. Oh God. We don't have to do it now. We're going to come up in six. But they are, they are going to come up. Oh, my God. There's one of them is the Red Dwarf story. Oh, God, yeah, it's still upset.

I was thinking about it the other day. I thought, I might watch the old Red Dwarf or I can't bring myself to watch it. Okay. I'm fully on board already. Right, well, this Red Dwarf anecdote, I don't know when we'll pick it up, but I think we'll pick it up as we go through your photographs, but that has to,

and also there was a particular gig, I think you did in Manchester, where you, it wasn't going well. Doesn't sound like me. You sure was me, Jen, I don't think. If a gig's going badly, that can't be a Phil Ellis gig. The Jane's favourite story. Never wants to hear about amazing gigs.

It's always a favourite. talk about the shit ones. Oh yeah, the gig, I was really sad. Oh, yeah, yeah, I'd love to bring that up. The one you cried on stage, tell that story. Oh, and then can I tell you about Nana's funeral? Is that all right? Have I got time?

When I did a tight 10 at my nan's funeral. This was story. We were on a really long car journey, and Phil told this quite dark story that Amy and I were really invested in. But it got dark. and darker as the story went. We were like, holy shit.

And then the story ended, I won't tell you what happened, because I'm sure Phil could tell it much better than I can. And then Amy and I were like, are you okay? And he was like, yeah. Yeah, I mean, it wasn't a good night. But so, yeah, I'm fine. Should I tell you? So it was the chortle fast fridge.

And it was the pleasant. And on the way there, I think I was having a bit of a bad run. And, and. I think we all were. And on the way to the game. gig I realized I was doing the you know you guys I would probably know what it is but for people that don't the Chortle Fast Fring is it's a really good show really for Edinburgh because it's you go up and do three minutes and as an audience you get to see like 20 acts doing three

of the best minutes and then they try and fly the show afterwards basically so you go oh I might go so it's quite a good opportunity to sell your show so I was on my way there I just did my show and I was a bit flustered I was like oh got to get to this Chortle Fast Fringe and really sell because because I used to do a bit in the show where I'd go through all the empty seats and how much they cost, and then I'd stack them all up to show everyone how much money I was losing every day. And then blocked the fire exits with the door with the chairs. So I'd get told up for that.

So I'd had a bad chair day. You know, we were talking a good 20 chairs. And I was on the way to the fast fridge. I thought, tomorrow we'll sell out thanks to the... And on the way there, I checked and Chortle just gave me three stars. And I thought, what? There's nothing worse than three stars. Fuck off.

So I thought, well, I'm not having... So I turned up to the gig, and I was about probably Act 15. And so I went on. I had to go pretty much straight on. So I started shouting at Chortle for giving me three stars. So I thought this would be funny, won't it? Because I wasn't really?

So I was going, and this, you think you're killing my career, and you have a TV screen with your show on it, what time you're on and things, so people can see it. And I turned the screen round. I don't want you to come into the show. So that way, you're trying to kill my career, Chortle, is this what you want?

I stood on a chair and I threw the microphone over this lighting rig. And so I thought this would be funny. I'd do it. And then I wrapped it round my neck. It created a noose. And then I asked the lady in the front row to pull the wire torts. So I stood on tiptoes on the chair. I went, pull that tight.

And I said, right, is this, someone kick the chair? Is that what you want? Is this what you want? So I thought that's quite funny. Now, I didn't think someone would actually kick the chair. And this guy just got up from the furthest. As well, so far away, everyone watched him. And he was walking towards me.

I thought, well, he's not really going to kick the chair, is he? And he just went, boom. Oh, my God. And he pulled it, and I just went, and so I started hanging at the short or fast fringe. And I was thinking, well, this isn't it. I mean, this isn't going to shift a lot of tickets, Phil.

Oh, my God, Phil. And so the lady let go with the wire. But I don't know if you guys, you probably know this, I probably should have as well, that rubber is wrapped around the wire. It's got a bit of traction on it. So it just wasn't going. So I was going, and then I noticed that the rig was wobbling so much. I thought, well, I don't want to grab it because it might come down.

I want to kill anyone. So I thought, well, it's best if I just die, really, because I don't want to take out of 10 people. I thought, you know, I think I've peaked anyway. The panel prize was three years ago. That's as far as I'm going to. because I thought just, I'll always have the panel prize. So anyway, I was hanging

and I thought, well, this is it, Phil, we'll make peace. And no one was helping either because they all went, oh, Phil's doing a bit. Yeah, exactly. Of course. They just think you've got it under control that it's all practiced. Joey Page,

Joey Page just turned the screen back around so people could see what time I was on as I was hanging. And then Gabriel. Joey knew the priority. Yeah. Gabriel Abulu was the only person who eventually came and held me up like he'd found me

like he walked in a room and just found me and went oh God he picked me and held me until I could get down but afterwards I found the guy he came up to apologize and I went why did you kick I said why would you kick the chair and he said I thought but you wanted me to and I didn't realize there'd been two magicians on because it's not just comedians and he thought it was another magic trick

because they were getting people up to do stuff so he got up to help and he was like well this isn't a very good trick and I was just going like, I'm a sling out of my sleeves. Maybe it's Maybe it's Maybellain is such an iconic

piece of music. Hit the track. Everyone in the studio that I worked on this jingle with all had like childhood stories or memories. Yeah, we're around either watching these commercials on TV

or sitting with our moms while they were doing their makeup and it became really personal for us. You know what's better than the one big thing? Two big things. Exactly. The new iPhone 17 Pro on TELUS's five-year rate plan price lock. Yep, it's the most powerful iPhone ever,

plus more peace of mind with your bill over five years. This is big. Get the new iPhone 17 Pro at tellus.com on select plans, conditions and exclusions apply. Tim's new Cravable Raps are made for the times your boss said the what now or your teacher mentions that thingamab need to pick me up snack back to reality with tim's new craveable wraps available in chippeolet or ranch plus tax at participating restaurants in Canada for a limited time let's go to your photos um I think in terms of chronologically

this must be your first photograph is you with a oh yeah with a basset hound yeah what's what's going on it be funny if that's the latest one that's very deadpan that's the most deadpan photo I've ever seen. Yeah, I love the fact I'm having a dinner party. There's only one guest and it's a dog and he just look happy about being there at all. He's got a great face. Yeah. I don't, that photo, right, for a start, how old do you think I have in that photo?

Eleven, I don't know. Yeah, I would say about 11. Yeah, I think I'm about 11, too old to be doing whatever this is. Having a tea party with a dog. I don't know what's going on. Like snooker gloves on? Like some white gloves. Are they snooker gloves?

Do you know what it is? I used to, I got them off a boot sale, and they're clearly ladies. Okay. They're turned little white gloves. Very tight on the, on the... And you were in a waistcoat. So that was our dog, Rambo.

We went to look... We went to look at... It's a weird. I mean, yeah. Rambo. Yeah, it's funny, really. Rambo's great Yeah

You could just stare into Rambo's eyes Yeah And I did And I did I still do I mean the The buttons now

But So they do this I think Go on Tell us about Rambo Go on So we went To look at

One of my dad's Old orphanages Not he didn't own them He was in one It was like It wasn't weird Like entrepreneur A chain

A chain of orphanages Where's daddy just herding some more orphans into it? All right, okay. So I think I was going through a weird fact. I always liked Alice in Wonderland. You definitely go through a weird phase. Yeah, I don't know what. I don't think that phase has ended, Phil, if I'm honest.

No, I know, yeah. Phase is ongoing. I'm still looking for Wonderland, like Sesame Street. Just wandering around. Oh, so this is an Alice and this is a Hatter's tea party situation. I think so, yeah. I mean, there's no other explanation. So I've got the...

That makes more sense. Yeah. And I'd made Rambo attend. I think he's meant to be the March Hare. Rembo's really committed to it. Like he's got his hands, if they're called hands, on the table. His little hands are like fully engaging. I think they're called pause.

They're called pause, Harry. But when you have to morphiciser dog, they're hands, aren't they? Yeah. It looks like we've nicked his Casio keyboard. He looks ready to. Yes. He looks like a rubbish club act from Borderville. That's that one boy and his dog

Please welcome Phil and Rambo I love that your dog Rambo He obviously loves you Because he's Dogs don't really get involved with shit If they don't want to But he's like Yeah I mean he wasn't very high energy

To be honest I think if he was there He wasn't going to make an effort to leave Your best mate was the dog Yeah, the adventures we had in Preston. What kind of kid were you? Growing up in Preston. I don't know, I mean, by looking at that lonely.

Eccentric, definitely. Well, I think so. I'd say eccentric. Yeah, I did have it. Yeah, I did use to dress up as Spider-Man under my clothes and then hang around W.H. Smith's waiting for crime. And there's not a lot of crime knocking about it, 2.8 Smith. What were you going to do with you?

Comedy. Yeah. Probably get. Strip down to your Lycra. Probably getting. Beating up by a shoplifter. Oh, no, an eight-year-old kid in a really unconvincing spider-man outfit. But were you always quite like, well, that sounds like you're into comedy and pranks and mucking about and role playing.

What did your mom and dad think of you? Annoyingly, I talk about this a bit on stage, that they were too encouraging. I think. I wish I'd learned a, no, I wish I'd learned a trade. If they'd have made me just sit down. A trade? Yeah, I mean. Phil, know yourself, mate.

A trade. What would you, what would you have done? You're not a trade. And this is a trade. You're a stand-up comedian. Yes, but I drive a car that I bought for 50 pounds. I can't. This isn't, this isn't life.

I'm using next door's Wi-Fi. You could still be doing that with a trade. I'd love to have seen you as like a plumber or as a plasterer. Yeah. I just can't, I think you would have done it for about. I don't think you would even have finished your apprenticeship film. Yeah. How was the plumber?

He tried to hang himself with the shower. Had to ask him to leave. He was wearing ladies' gloves. He was chatting to a dog. Kept trying to do bits. So what you're saying is it's your parents. They encouraged you. their fault that you went into the arts.

Yeah. Did you do like a drama? I mean, did you get involved with like groups or drama or anything like that? No. Was it just kind of stuff that you did alone? You just won't. Recently I've been a lot of groups. We all sit in a circle.

Yeah. We'll go into those groups later. But when you're a kid, you might. You might. You do drama club and stuff. No, I was very shy. Very shy as a kid. Yeah.

I was once on stage with Rod Hall and me at Butland's um and i know that's that's terrifying yeah well he picked me out of the audience with his he came with that he had the he had the bird on his hand he wasn't just creeping around with and um and i was really shy so i couldn't speak so i just kept though this is this makes me sound weird as well so i i was going through a phase of every time someone asked me a question i'd just say hedgehog no i don't know very avon god yeah i mean you were sort of Gardarist at Butlerin. God,

feel so surreal. What do you want with your chips? What was the hedgehog? Where did the hedgehog come from? I don't, I really don't know what it was about. You were just subverting expectation, weren't you? Yeah, yeah.

That's when I finally get good reviews from the Guardian. They say shit like that. I know how to speak about. Not really, mate. I just wanted to dress as a cat. I really think I was panicking on stage. Yeah, I'm really struggling, actually. I just need to find the next laugh. Yeah, I don't know what that was. So Rod Hall got me on stage with email and then I wouldn't speak. I just kept saying head jog now and in the end my mum had to go,

she said, my mum went, do you want to swap him for the other brother? Because my brother was funny. And they just swapped me. Oh, that's brilliant. Do you want to swap him for the other brother? Hold are you in this next picture? Are you at secondary school there? Is that teenage? Oh yeah, that's just griming it. I've not got a lot of pictures.

Look at that haircut. I know, when I used to have hair. Beautiful, isn't it? I think my mum cut it. I think she might have. It looks like a home cut hair. Tell me about secondary school. Who are you here?

It was, I always remember the first lesson of PE, our PE teacher, who was horrible. He had three. This is true. I always find this mad. We had three courses for cross-country. The long one, medium one, and FBWA, which was just, honestly, fat boys with asthma.

They can't, that's not allowed. No, I know. I don't think it was allowed in the 90s, but that was what he had. And the first of a day of PE, I always remember we sat there excited, and he went, right, you're not at primary school anymore. I'm not going to look after you, right?

And if you've got a problem with that, get your dad, get your big brother to come and fight me. Wow. That is like, the thing is, those, especially because you're doing it in the north as well, it just reminds me of Kez. It just reminds me of Brian Glover, shouting at Kez in gold.

Do you want to play football? Do you want to do maths? It was, yeah. You had Kez P-A-P-E. I know, yeah. Which is what I expect everyone to have up north. It does. It sounds really northern, doesn't it?

The more talk about it. But yeah, it was. It was. I think PE, P.E mostly, unless you go to a really lovely school with amazing sports facilities, mostly P.E. Shit. I never forget when my mate, my best mate at school, she fell over

in netball, and she grazed both knees, both elbows and her chin. Oh my God. She went, doing what? Netball. She went down. Oh, doing netball? Yeah, she went down on her knees, then down on her elbows, and then down on her chin. She took up smoking not long after.

I broke my finger doing netball. but I didn't realize I'd broken it so I never did anything I never put it on a splint I never put it on a split I never did anything I just I just left it hanging and then years later

years later I got I had to have stitches in my arm about something and then I had my hand spread out and the doctor went oh when did you break your finger and I went oh I've never broken it and he went you absolutely have broken your finger because it's your finger isn't supposed to be bent in the 90 degree angle

Yeah, I've got a mate like that with a wonky finger. Cricket. I like a little kind of... I've got a mate with a wonky finger. I didn't say it was wonky, mate. A kind of sport casualty. Do you know what I mean? That you never got seen to.

Yeah. But at school, like if you suffered quite a severe injury, like I think that was quite bad and it was so, you know, bruised for ages. If you took it to the teacher and went, oh, I think I've hurt my finger, they'd be like, well, what do you want me to do about it? You'd be like, oh, I'll tell you.

You're not in primary school now, mate. Yeah, yeah. Get your dad down to fight me. Get your big, that I'm, it's so fucking awful. It's so awful. Let's look at this next photo film,

which I think will be, is this Rick Mail? Is this the next picture? Yeah. I just thought, because I was trying to think what photos, because I don't have many photos. They're all on Facebook,

aren't they really, whatever photos most people have or whatever. And that was one that, I looked very happy in that one. I like it. Where did you meet Rick? So I was, Rick Mail is the reason I wanted to do comedy, really.

I was just obsessed with Kevin Turvey growing up and Bottom. And, yeah, loved, you know, just so fun. And because I think Bottom was like, because I always hear about when Derek and Clive videos were like the albums with a cool thing that people like, but Bottom Live was the one that everyone's older brother had or older sister had and we weren't allowed to watch. And then when you did watch it, you're like, ha.

And my mum worked to ASDA, and we used to get 10% off stuff. So one Friday, she got me a video. She said, what video do you want? And I said, I want, and I'd never seen it yet. I wanted Bottom Live. And she got at me, which was quite nice. So that was probably the first Rick Mail video I got, weirdly, was Bottom Live. And you just immediately loved it.

Yeah. And I just went, oh, yeah, there's something about this. And I knew it, but obviously from stuff like Jack and Ori and things growing up. Yeah, George's marvelous medicine he did. I remember that. Yeah, it was brilliant. The only time I think I ever enjoyed Jack and Orr he was when he read George's Marvelous Medicine.

He was fantastic. Yeah, it was perfect, wasn't he? Yeah, for that. Yeah. Yeah, and that was it. And I just really got into and I was obsessed with everything. I bought everything he did, really. Like, even videos like, there was one called out of my head,

which was just like an educational video about anti-drugs thing that he voiced, but I found it. And I just used to use all my... And then watch all the young ones stuff and the... Yeah. Yeah. What was the character he did? Was it Bastard?

No, Bastard? Well, that's, yeah. Alan Bastard. I saw. Was it Alan Bastard? Yeah, that photo's after they did the Alan Bastard tour. And I waited for him out. Waited for him.

That sounds creepy, isn't it? Outside. You're a stoke. Yeah. And what was he like? It was perfect because it's just what he wanted. I didn't outstay by welcome. I didn't go.

I'd like to do comedy. I just went. I took a Kevin Turvey. and there was a real nerd in front of me right he was going he brought an American werewolf in London album and I went oh yeah we all know he's in it all right but don't bring is he I didn't know he was in it oh if you're right so you know when they go in the lauded slam at the beginning he's in the pod when they when when they go in yeah because apparently um John Landis who directed it went to the

comedy store and saw and invited Aide Emerson and Rick Mell to go and be in the film because we're filming it and Aide Emerson assumed it was a joke so I didn't bother but Rick Mail went and he was in that's what I've heard anyway. So he's in it and he just goes the alamo that's his line but um so he brought that to get signed and I was like all right mate but I mean that's not your favorite Rick Mail thing is it yeah so I took a Kevin Turvey video and then I remember he went oh who's next and this lady went oh this young man I was young at the time uh this young man's been waiting and he went, oh, and I went over, and I couldn't speak

because I was just so nervous. And then he went, he said, I've not seen this video for years. It was Kevin Turvey investigates. And I said, and I tried to say how much it meant to me. So I meant so much, but then I couldn't speak. And then he was looking at me. And this woman went, look, he's shaking. I went, all right, you don't have to keep saying,

I'm shaking, I'm shaking, but I don't make it words. Yeah. So then he put his arm around me to, he went, it's all right. And then I couldn't speak anymore. yeah and then and then he flicked a V at the camera yeah and then he went now now fuck off yeah but I got him to sign that but I went I basically just said it how much it meant to me

growing up and he said he said what generally means a lot that he said I've not seen that for long time it's really nice that you've brought that it's bringing back nice memories and he said thank you and I was like alright can have a photo and then I was it so that's it lovely story yeah it wasn't like and do you think moments like that make you feel like were you on a comedy path by then I think a little bit I'd like, well, if I'm wearing a Tony Hancock T-shirt, I realised in that.

But were you performing? But I was, I think I may have just started. I was working at an airbags factory then. And I think I just started work. I think I just started trying to do the odd one. I may not have started by that point. I think I may, yeah. No, I probably have.

I've probably done like five or six open spots or something, I think. Let's go to your last picture. Which is actually not chronological because we, I feel like we skipped, but we're back here with you, you've got hair. Here you are. Oh yeah, I just think I look, I don't know why I chose that. It's just because that's me and my mate Corey at uni. You got a cravat.

And I've got a cravat. I just looked really punchable. You got a cramat. Where did you go to uni? I went to Staffordshire uni. And did you have a good time? I had a great time and I came out with a third, which it's always impressed me that I came up.

Yeah. To media. On, a third for media. Jesus Christ. I think you get a 2-1 for watching Joes. I think we need to acknowledge that after Funson Games, you know, and after the panel prize and after all of that, you know, you've got quite a lot of heat behind you,

got a lot of opportunities and attention, and people were invested in you. They were like, this guy's talented. He's really creative. He's got fantastic ideas. This is somebody that we should be investing our tire. This is someone we should be developing. and stuff with and you know you had certain um

I don't know why this is going tell me what happened this is this is going okay so so Phil's a really big red dwarf fan and I want to go back to this story oh yeah I was trying to think I know I made a few mistakes around that time but what was what was the one there was she referring to yeah go on there was a specific there was a specific opportunity that was presented to you, Phil. Would you like to talk us through what happened? Yeah.

So after Funs and Games, there was a lot of like meetings and things. And as we all know, a lot of meetings, just in meetings, a lot of talk and you go, well, this is good at it. So I've learnt now,

never say to anyone, well, I'm doing this thing because you're not. You're not going to probably end up doing it. So I was in the offices of baby cow and the production company. And they had Red Dwarf on the laptop. And I loved, growing up Red Dwarf was such a big thing for me.

Yeah. And it's still really funny. The first six series is so funny. It's hilarious. Yeah. And so I went, oh, you got Red Dwarf on the thing. And they went, yeah, we're making the new series. Do you want to be in it?

And I went, and that was it. And I went, yeah, I'd love to, of course, I'd love to be in it. And they went, oh, well, introduce you to Richard, the producer and stuff. And I went, oh, so I met Richard, the producer, Richard Naylor, Doug Nailer's son. He's lovely. And they were just like, yeah, we love the show. We can't wait. We'd love to have you on it.

So I was thinking it would just be a voiceover for like a talking toilet or something. And I thought that would be fun. So we're chatting away, did a day. And then a few weeks later they go, so you just got to go in for the readings so they can get you on camera. And I went, oh, okay. And I got so nervous. Because I'm not an actor, really. So I can, it's kind of a character on stage,

but I was not an actor. So I just went in ready to do a voiceover, but then it was all people I didn't know, and they had the camera set up. And I started getting more, more nervous. And I think I basically started to have a panic attack, which I was not aware of. So I start reading this bit for what I think is a vending machine.

And then I go, so it's just a vending machine. They went, oh, he's quite a nervous person. I went, well, he's a vending machine. He keeps calling himself a vending machine. They went, oh yeah. And basically they went, no, we've changed it to a person. I was like, well, now I've got to do face acting. I was like, oh, no.

This is just piling on pilot. So I started reading it. And I just went, I can't. Do you know what? I said, I can't act. And they went, yeah, you can. I've never known this in an audition. They'd say, yeah, you can.

Of course you can. We've seen you. You've already got the part. Just relax. We're just going to find the right one for you. They went, just do it again. And I went, so, I can't. I can't.

Oh, my God. And they went, you can't. You can. Do you want to be a simulant? It's so weird. Do you want to be a simulant? I went, oh, I'd like that. The robot, yeah, the cyborg.

Yeah, I'd be a simulant. And they went, okay. And I went, okay, they're quite theatrical, aren't they? So I went, Listie. I went, that is awful. I can't. Oh no, you've sabotaged it. And they went, you can.

And I just went, can I just be the voice of a toaster or something? I just want one line. I said, that's all I want. I just want to say I'm in it. I'm not bothered about being. They went, no, we want you for a big role. And then I've got on all fours and I crawled out the room. I just crawled out the room.

Phil slid down the chair, got on all fours and crawled out. And what did that? I just crawled up. And if you watch the tape, apparently, you can see the door sort of open on its own and close. Wow. Because it's just me crawling out. And then I just went home. And what did they say after?

Did you get the part, Phil? Yeah, yeah, and I'm actually now Lister. I got a phone call, and it started off from the person who'd actually set it all up, and they just said, you can't act. And I went, I panicked. They went, why did you do that? You're in it?

I went, I know, I just don't know what happened. But I wasn't used to all that. The antipesis of an audition. You had the job. I know. And you auditioned your way into unemployment. And they're even, to be fair, to the people at Red Dwar, They really tried to shoehole me into a few bits.

And they did ring and say, we're thinking of trying to get him for this, but I think every time he almost got there, they'd be like, he will have a patty. You'll probably crawl out the set, so we can't. Oh, mate. That is, no. Phil, I'm sorry I made you say that story.

It was horrible. I know, I know people are listening to that going, wow, that is fucking unbelievable. But I remember, I have such a vivid memory. If you're telling that story, I'm in the front, you're in the back of the car. You're telling that story. Amy's driving and we are so, like we're going, but what, but why? But what?

But then you happen to like, something else happen, yes? And then you were like, no, no, wait, I haven't finished. And then what happened? We're like, but Phil, but Phil? You're like, no, no, you need to hang on a bit. And then by the time you slid off the chair, I was like, I had my head in my hands going, oh my gosh. That's horrible. That's annoying. What?

You're a muffler. You don't hear it? Oh, I don't even notice it. I usually drown it out with the radio. How's this? Oh, yeah. Way better. Save on insurance by switching to Bel Air Direct

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See app for details Oh Phil it's been so good having you on here Oh thank you It's been so much fun I really appreciate you having me on thank you Are you on tour? Oh yeah yeah I'm on tour Let's promote your tour love

Oh my God I forgot about that Oh my God. Come on, Phil. Right, yeah. Push, sell yourself. Come on. Phil Ellis, tell us.

Tell us a big tour. Last year's Edinburgh show. Phil Ellis's excellent comedy show. Got nominated for the best show at the Edinburgh Awards. It didn't win. So officially, I'm not the funniest person in Edinburgh. But, yeah. I, uh, but apparently.

But that's so funny, isn't it? Because you tell the war stories are the ones of disaster. But you have been nominated. And, you know, you've been a huge smash at Edinburgh. Yeah, it's annoying actually. It really undermines the whole. Yeah, the old comedy personia. They're laughing.

All that success is now undermining your brand. Yeah, and I've got a band in this. So again, it's going to be impossible to make money, but come along and see the tour. It's fun. It's a good one, this. It's just, it's a good one. Creative genius, but business, absolutely no business sense whatsoever.

Terrible. Tor goes on all the way through to May. where it culminates a run at the Soho Theatre. So there's plenty of dates. So go check out Phil Ellis's website, which is phil Elliscom. And go see my talk. Look, I'm just going to do it for you, Phil.

No, I know. Thank you. I was going, it's good job. Jen's looking after me. Because otherwise I can't do it. Thank you. Thank you so much. Oh, thanks so much for having me.

It's been a pleasure. Oh, you're a diamond. Thank you. Bye. Bye, everybody. I tell you what, I read this, this, I've just finished this morning. Yeah, go on then. This.

Oh, my lady parts. Oh, Dune. Yeah. Oh, I'll definitely read that. That sounds right up my alley. And it will be incredibly cathartic. Yeah. I read it in, well, it's cathartic, but also kind of frustrating.

But I literally read it in like a day. It's very good. When did you get that? Did you get sent? I got it for my birthday. This is what happens when you have a 50th party, which you'll find out next, next. next February. This is what happens. People get you comedy memoirs, gardening books and hand cream. Oh my God. I got so much. I didn't get a gardening book because no one's that. No, no, no.

No one. Everyone knows you don't like gardening. But you'll get comedy memoirs and you'll get. I get, I get comedy memoirs and hand cream. Yeah. Always. Always. I've got an ESOP hand cream recently. Oh, that smells good. I love going in there. I love going in there. I've never bought a single thing in there, but I like to go in there. Try a little bit and then. wander out and just give the person at the door a wink. The other day, oh yeah, you go, oh hello. Oh, hello. The other day I went past a branch and they even put a bit of hand cream at the door. So you don't even have to go in.

You can just go past, pump a bit of hand cream. And then I went to make the phone for a cup of tea and she went, you smell nice. And I went, smell my hands. Hands. Smell my ESOP hands. Yeah, normally if someone says, smell my finger, I'd be like, do you know what? I won't if that's all right. Yeah, but once we're middle-aged ladies, they're not saying pull my finger, are you?

You're saying, smell my esot. Hand cream hands. Yeah, yeah. I mean, there's still a little bit of fear in the back of my mind, but the thing about ESOP is that you can smell it a mile away. And so I would be like, I feel safe here. I will continue to smell. Winners smell of ESOP hand cream, mate.

They're the winners that have got matching brower and knickers. It's those people. If you have that stuff in your house and it's just in the normal toilet. In the downstairs bog. In the downstairs toilet, by the way. If you have that in the downstairs toilet, I mean, you've just... You're smashing life.

You're smashing life. Yeah. What, 40 quid hand soap? Yeah. That doesn't make any... Why would you put it in the upstairs bog where no one's going to see it? Put it in the downstairs bog where you're showing off.

Yeah, but our downstairs bog is literally like pissing in a cupboard. So why waste in there? It's the smallest downstairs bog I have had the pleasure of using. I also have had to tell Chloe, I've had to explain to her that the... She can't have any friends over a size 14? No. Also, Why have we got two pictures of our children on the bog?

Yeah? So that when men are going for a piss standing up, they're looking at our children. My brother, on more than what occasions, come out and said, do we need those photographs there when I'm getting my penis out? And I said, I hadn't thought about that because obviously we don't have a penis. So when we go from, we're not looking at our children. But I do appreciate that as a grown man, when you get your dick out,

You don't want to see two pictures. I've been really considerate of the standing facing the wall pissing community. Have you? Yeah, because we've put this really pleasing poster that my mum gave Ben, which is like a map of film streets. So it's like loads of film. So whoever's having a piss and if it might be a long piss, you might want to make it a long piss because you'll get very absorbed in this map.

I got absorbed in the map washing my hands. There you go. Because obviously I don't stand and piss. But on the other side of the toilet, if we're going to continue the theme, yeah, we're going to continue with what in your dad says toilet. There's that other picture, which is a really beautiful picture. I thought it was abstract. It's not an abstract picture.

It's a swimming. As my eyes focused. Yes, it's a woman swimming underwater. Yeah, it's beautiful. Who painted that? I don't know, but I got it in a charity shop. I literally picked it up for a couple of quid in a charity shop. I really love that picture.

Oh my God. I was going to, because I meant to ask you about that picture. Yeah. I know I am asking you. So you got that in a charity shop? Yeah. That is unbelievable. I never see stuff like that in a charity shop.

No. Well, we are, we do. There are some really good charity shops around here. But I do remember when I saw it, I thought that's a really nice picture. And I'm very pleased with it. I was well, gel. In fact, I needed to take a photograph of that so I could say to Chloe, can you recreate that? Because I like it.

It's hard to paint water, isn't it? It's one of those like tricky, you. you know, substances. I can't paint anything. Honestly, I made Chloe a card. Not this year because I've given up now. But various, over the years I've tried to make her a card because she likes it when you make the effort to make things.

She's like, oh, that's really nice when you make an effort to make something for me. I agree. I'm with her. Yeah, so I, over the years have made Chloe a card. and the last time I made Chloe a card someone picked it up I was there by the way so I this isn't second hand and said oh which one of the boys

made this for you oh shit and I said actually I made that and they were like oh and then they had to do that back pedal didn't they didn't they went fucking Elgin this is did you make this

I said yeah what's wrong with it they went nothing I just thought four year old and made it oh And then I looked at it through the prism of their eyes, which was objective. And I thought, yeah, you're right. It does look like a four-year-old drew that. Chloe had been very kind and hadn't picked me up on the fact of it.

What was it adoring? You've got to go abstract if you can't draw. I can't draw. Well, go abstract then. I don't know what that means. I just put loads of stickers on there. And I sort of wrote her name in stickers and then I did like a little swirly, swirlies around. Jesus, it does sound shit.

I mean, I think we burnt it. Yeah. I mean, it's a miracle she stayed with you. I mean, there's on so many different levels. Let's not unpack that because we're trying to stay positive, aren't we? I'm Max Rushden. I'm David O'Dardy. And we'd like to invite you to listen to our new podcast, What Did You Do Yesterday?

It's a show that asks guests the big question. Quite literally, what did you do yesterday? That's it. That is it. Max, I'm still not sure. Where do we put the stress? Is it what did you do yesterday? What did you do yesterday?

You know what I mean? What did you do yesterday? I'm really down playing it. Like, what did you do yesterday? Like, I'm just a guy just asking a question. But do you think I should go bigger? What did you do yesterday? What did you do yesterday?

Every single word this time I'm going to try and make it like it is the killer word. What did you do yesterday? I think that's too much, isn't it? That is, that's over the top. What did you do yesterday? Available wherever you get your podcasts every Sunday.