Memory Lane with Kerry Godliman and Jen Brister - S03 E09: Jess Fostekew

Episode Date: March 13, 2024

This week we have the wonderful, hilarious and awesome human that is Jess Fostekew on the show! It's more a chat with a mate looking at a few photos but what more could you ask for?! Plus Jen and Kerry discuss losing it over One Day, the pros and cons of capitalism, baby attire... Yep, lots of bases covered this week. Photo 01 - Me in a bath Photo 02 - School days Photo 03 - Uni days Photo 04 - Improv days Photo 05 - Me and Rudy BUY TICKETS TO SEE JESS HERE - https://www.plosive.co.uk/events/jessica-fostekew-mettle-tour-2024 PICS & MORE - https://www.instagram.com/memory_lane_podcast/ A Dot Dot Dot Production produced by Joel Porter Hosted by Jen Brister & Kerry Godliman Distributed by Keep It Light Media Sales and advertising enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Explore the new Peloton Cross Training Tread Plus at OnePeloton.ca. Hello and welcome to Memory Lane. I'm Jen Bristair and I'm Kerry Godleman. Each week we'll be taking a trip down Memory Lane with our very special guest as they bring in four photos from their lives to talk about. To check out the photos we'd be having a natter with them about, they're on the episode image

and you can also see them a little bit more clearly on our Instagram page. So have a little look at Memory Lane podcast. Come on, we can all be nosy together. Are you knitting now? What the fuck is that? It's just a very plain, The tightest scarf.

It's a baby's scarf. I can't do anything complex. I was going to say, whose neck is that going to warm? A baby. A baby. A baby. Okay, it would have to be a baby. Okay.

Because babies, well, babies need scarves. Just as it's coming into summer. Yes, we're heading into summer. I don't think I've ever seen a scarf on a baby, but I think, because, you know, the strangling. But I think it's, yeah, that's fair. Yeah, I don't think. Some babies do look a bit overdressed, don't they? Have you found that lately?

Do you ever want to go up to people and go, I think you've got too much on that baby? Like put them in like a puffer body warmer and a bobble at and God knows what. And then inside a kind of sheepskin, fleecy, pram unit. Yeah, I'm with you. And you're like, that kid looks like it's overheating. And also, if your kid can't walk, why are they wearing bands trainers?

These are all things I want to talk about. I don't, why are kids wearing shoes when they can't walk? And why are you spending 60 quid on a pair of trainers that they can't even stand in? And that they'll grow out of in literally 25 minutes. Children in really, really, super fashionable clothing, I don't approve. No. All of my kids look like they just stepped out of a jumble sale. Because they're children.

And they all wear hammond downs among like friends that have got just slightly older kids. Secondhand clothes. Yes, of course. I don't want my kid walking out with a port-pire hat and have moustache and a neck tattoo. I want my kids to look like a kid. Well, yeah, but Brighton has got a lot of those kids. There's a lot of those kids. You see like three-year-olds in a pink Lucy and theac jumpsuit with like flipping high top comphers and you're like, come on, what are we doing here?

She's three. Chill out. She's rocking a cohort. Yeah, it is a strange thing, isn't it, when kids are wearing slightly nutty, nutty gums? Yeah, I just, look, I don't about you, but when I was growing up, it was being. It was Littlewoods. It was C and A. Yeah? Oh yeah, one of us looked trendy. And then as we got older, then sure, we discovered 501 jeans.

Well, I did look trendy because my mum had that stall at Portabella Road. And she used to get all these secondhand, like, it was all secondhand when I was a kid. So I used to wear these like really lovely little floral dresses, little liberty dresses and things like that because she'd get them from the stall. And she'd all, and when I look back at pictures, I always like, oh, that's just. dress is so gorgeous. But they were all secondhand. They were a little 50s and 40s dresses. Exactly.

And that was because your mum was in that world and so she could pick that stuff up. She wasn't like pop into flipping Liberty to buy it. No, no. No one was doing that. No, they were. Just no one we knew. I think it's a racket.

It's a mamas and poppers and papa's racket. Oh, mamas and poppers and the white stuff, whatever they are. Yeah. It's a load of shit. It's a load of old shit. Bowden can fuck off as well how are we going to get a sponsorship if we go around being this disparaging about brands

we've really got to think about what we're doing but we're anti-establishment that's what this that's what this podcast is all about we're anti-establishment we're anti-capitalism where I've run out of things that's what we are this is why we're not very good at political campaigning I run out of words

I run out of rage words until I just this is why I couldn't do question time. Would you do question time? Absolutely not. Zoe's done it. Yes, Zoe's done everything. Yeah, she was great. She was great. I said to her, because she was like, when she got offered it, she was like, what do you think?

I said, you'll be great. I just can't imagine me. I'd absolutely shit myself. And then someone would be a bit rude or like, sarky with me and then I'd cry. I think you'll find that with a lot of it, you're given quite a big platform to say the thing that you want to say. Well, that's more terrifying. That's more space to have a breakdown. Well, but you would have it. You can have notes and you can have bullet points that you can say the thing that you want to say. It's just when you then get some Tory MP going, actually, I think you're fine. And then they bring up some random figures that they pulled out of their asshole that don't really make sense. And then you've got to go, what?

Stop it. Stop being a cunt. That's what would happen. I would just go on question time. Stop being a cunt. people say to me, have you ever thought about going into politics? I'm like, I would literally rather have the flesh shaved off my face. I cannot think of anything else.

When people say, oh, I think standup comedy's hard, I'm like, have you seen? Yeah. What MPs have to put up with? Oh, no. Thank you very much. I can handle a couple of people

getting on Instagrams calling me a cunt, but I can't imagine a whole nation. That's too much. Can imagine standing in the House of Commons with all that shouting? You were like, Oh, my. That's what I want to do.

The only reason why I want to be an MP, so I can sit at the back, looking at my phone, not looking up, not listening to anything of anyone saying, just so I can go, bra, blah, you'd be really good at that. I'd be so good at that.

Actually, maybe I should go into politics. And also, a lot of the time, I think I'm not clever enough to be in politics. And then I listen to politician speaking. Oh, yeah. That's actually not the thing. holding me back. I just don't think I'd emotionally be able to deal with it.

Because if you were at the back on your phone going, bra, bra, bra, I'd be like, stop it, stop it! All of you, stop it! It's really mean! I think that's why a lot of MPs leave. They're like, oh my God, you people are animals. You're clearly psychopaths, I've got to go.

It's not for us. Kerry, what's you're sensitive? I know, but we need to make it more attractive to the good people. How do we do that? How do we get the good people to go into it? Otherwise, it's just all arseholes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I feel like this is now new information for you, Kerry.

I feel like we've all known that for a while. Yeah, I know, but you have to keep talking about it. Otherwise, we just, what's the phrase? Sleepwalk. We just sleepwalk into a dystopian landscape. What, you mean where we are now? Yeah. We can't bring the system down with an anti-bodem agenda.

It's not strong enough. We've got to start somewhere. Yeah, it's like seeds that grow acorns. Seeds are growing acorns that grow... We're going to bring capitalism down. Yeah. We'll have been dead for centuries before it happens, but we will be... Yeah, I'll say, do you remember those two?

Those two on that podcast. Because people say, oh, have you listened to the rest is politics or Pod Save the UK or the news agents? And people go, I don't get my news from there now. No, I get it from memory lane. And they have something to say. And that's why I went on that march against Canada. Capitalism. Yeah.

Yeah. Thank God we're here to save the world. Right. Who are we talking to? Today, we are talking to my very dear friend and hilarious comedian, Jess Fosterkew. This was a lot of fun. Yeah, I love this conversation. This was one of those catch-ups.

Catch-ups pretending to be a podcast. I don't think I like about her. She's not afraid to talk about the difficult stuff as well. And we had a really good chat with Jess. So here we are with the very wonderful Jess Fosterkew. Jess, thanks for coming. Thanks for having me. You look great, by the way.

What? You always look great. I'm so tired. You look so good. My inside of my mouth is just two walls of ulcers. I'm so tired. So thank you for your fear. Listen, I'm going to say, this is the truth of every woman that you give her a compliment

and immediately comes back there. Oh, fuck you. What are you? I'm hearing. And this is you don't show with your ulcers. When I have ulcers, I go, look. Look, can you say? No, thanks, gal.

You genuinely do. And it's probably because you are so fucking fit. I've just started following you. And now I, because I'm not in real life on the social. And I don't know why I didn't follow you before. No, I saw that. I was like, why aren't we both doing that? Yeah, and then the fitness, the weights and everything.

It's incredible. I just sat staring at you lifting weights the other day. I've done it. I know what I do that. Oh, look at you. I do wonder if I should put it all on there, but I, yes, I love it. It's like my, it's the thing I do for me. It's the equivalent of everyone else's meditation, running, yoga, whatever.

Yeah. I'm really into it. And when there isn't time for it, I feel it, basically. How often do you do it? Six days a week. Oh, wow. Yeah, a big, big into. Six days a week.

No wonder you're so strong. I just love it. I do it if it brings me joy. Yeah. What are you, um, I don't. I don't, because I don't know, so I'm going to ask you a question and you'll give me an answer. Great. And you'll mean, and it will mean nothing to me.

But I do want to know, because other people will know. When you're all lifting things, they're called weights, aren't they? How heavy are they? That's what you're going to say. I want to know what is that because I have weights and they're six kilos. They're five K, five K, five K, ten K a ton. Are you, I'm saying numbers? No, I can't have a ton. Oh, I can't have a ton.

Or are you lifting five kilograms? I can do that. Yes, that's not much. That's like when people say how we're heavy was your baby and I'm like, 10 pounds? Five pounds. Six pounds. They're all about half a stone. They're all about half a stone.

Your weights are all about half a stone. Oh no, babies. Okay. What about your weights? Ten babies? Ten babies, yeah. Do you know what? It depends on the lift, so it's almost impossible to answer.

Could you live Jen? Yeah. Could you live me and Jen? Yeah. Me, Jen and Joel? and the dog I'm just trying to work out no

I can lift two of you I could lift two of you above your head um no I could lift two of you from the floor to my waist and I could probably

I could lift all of you one at a time from my floor to my shoulders and then overhead I mean when I because I think generations have different attitudes towards fitness and I was thinking about this recently because I think Gen X's just didn't grow up

with exercise. Like we just did, like, we just heckled joggers. They were like, you know, scumbags. You're going to die anyway. What are you doing? Come down the pub. It was just such an odd culture and there weren't gyms everywhere. But now young people, like, I went to see one of the kids' plays and all of them were defined and it's like different generations have different attitudes towards. They're getting up at, I mean like, they're working out. They're working up. They're getting up early to go to the gym. Yeah. They're not like, our generation was like, you get ass. I didn't do any exercise through my 20s. I didn't do any exercise in my 20s. I mean, I was smoking from my mid. I mean, I was smoking

from my mid-term. And I'm not saying this in a like, but that is just the fact. Same. Same. Same. Everybody smoked. Everybody was borderline alcoholic for the best part of a decade. Yeah. You know, it was not a health culture thing. And now when I exercise, which is a very private thing, I don't do it in groups or whatever. And it's purely to try and get the endorphines. Yeah. It's not for a body image thing. It's just I want, I want the hormones. Yeah. I want a little bit of dopamine. I just want a little bit of serotonin. Do you know you get different types of that as well, depending on the sort of exercise that you've done? I had to learn it for a thing, for a job.

And it blew me away. So like if you do like really short, intense, hot exercise, you get like, you get the endorphins that are equivalent, genuinely the equivalent in your body of MDMA, speed, coke, like uppers. Because it's like a big rush to get you like through that short, sharp thing. If you do anything longer, slower, yoga, light jog, like. but for more than 25 minutes, half an hour. You get basically the equivalent of dope. They're painkillers to keep you going for longer at a low level of... So your body is that clever.

So you can get all the different... Oh, that's so clever. Yeah, it is. I think that's why anyone that's doing exercise or the same kind of exercise regularly is probably doing it because of the way it makes you feel afterwards. Every and again, I think, oh, I wish I'd discovered this. I wonder whether I'd have been able to get really good at weightlifting,

actually if I'd started in my twenties but then I think no regrets I did have a laugh I absolutely love being battered for a good old Yeah yeah me too Yeah yeah I've got a lot done pissed I've fun I sorted a lot out yeah down the pub This champ is picking up speed

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Because those are groceries, and we deliver those too. Along with your favorite restaurant food, alcohol, and other everyday essentials. Order Uber Eats now. For alcohol, you must be legal drinking age. Please enjoy responsibly. Product availability varies by region. See app for detail. Jess, I want to talk about this first photograph with you, which is of you as a child.

So cute. You're sitting in a bucket in what looks like your garden, I would assume. Not my garden. Your nana's garden? Yeah. That was, I think, on a holiday in Austria. In Austria? With an Austrian nana and the English granddad.

I love a picture of a kid in a bucket. In a bucket. Nude. Nude. I mean, firstly, full nostril full of ink. Oh yeah. I was going to ask you what that was. Oh yeah, full nostril full of ink.

Bit up the eye as well. Probably the reason I'm immersed in water, but annoyingly only up to the Vaj. Yeah. How old are you there that? Do you reckon? Three, four. Yes, two or three, I reckon.

And why were you in Austria? Austrian Nana family out there. I didn't know your Nana was Austrian. How did I not know that? So you're all got some... She was brown-bred by the time we met probably if she died when I was 21. Right.

Were you close to them? Do you know what? I didn't see them often enough to be close to them. I don't think. It was lovely when I was there, but I've got no memory of the great-grandparents. My great-granddad, Gorse Papa, had an orchard.

I remember that. And I remember we were outside the whole time we were there. It was sunny. I remember swimming in legs. And no other kids. It's just you and then? Yeah. Yeah.

And I was an only child for ages, yeah. And I think my grandparents gave me a really wholesome time compared to my parents. Because it's just 80s and they were like busy working and drunk, whereas my grandparents were like, let's make stuff together, let's do stuff together. So I loved having holidays with them. So it must have been sad when that stopped. Yeah. Oh, I suppose, yeah.

But I don't feel, I mean, I don't remember any tangible sense. It's awful. You look so lovely. You look really happy there. And you look really, you know, you look wild. You look like the feeling where the wild things are. Yes, I look like that little boy. And I know, I think what I like about that picture is my son is an absolute, it can be, or certainly as a toddler was a far.

I love like stuff about that. And you sort of look at that and go, yeah, I wonder where he got it from. I look like I'm doing a football chart. Yeah, you do. I look like a Millwall fan. You know like right, Winston. When I saw that photograph of you looking like Rayman. Winston as a baby. I did think, I did think, I thought that was a picture of your son.

Yeah. I thought that was a picture of your son. I was like, oh, that's a lovely picture of Rudy. And then you're like, no, that's me. Yeah. Were you, your parents weren't there, so you would just go out there solo. I think they would come out sometimes if they could get a holiday or one would go, or go just with dad, but yeah. How long were you there for then? Couple of weeks. So two weeks, you like your folks when you were that young. That happened quite a lot, actually. my parents would give me to a grandparent for a couple of weeks quite a lot while they worked if I was on school holidays Yeah, we didn't have.

Mum was a nurse And then, yes, when I was that young mum would have been a full-time nurse And my dad was a wine salesman So they just full on working a lot? Yeah. And you grew up in Dorset, is that right? Yeah. Did you?

Yeah. Where? Swanage. Oh, it's beautiful there. It is beautiful. But when I say that to you, you always like, yeah, but boring. Yeah, big time. I remember going to a B&B.

in the 80s to Swanage. I told you about this. It rained every day. But you know how they used to kick you out? They kicked you out in the morning after breakfast. And then you weren't allowed back into the evening. And I just remember sitting in a bus shelter with my entire family in Swanage going... I probably lost my virginity in there.

What, in that bus shelter? Yeah. Is it called the Bluey? I mean... By the Malum Theatre. Could have been. Could well have been. But are those sort of places lovely to grow up when you're little and then once you hit your teens?

Nad's so much. Yeah, it's interesting actually. So obviously, I live south-east London now. I had a lovely mum say to me recently. They did a thing, I say, we, I had nothing to do with it. They did a thing where they shut a road to make a play street. Oh, that all goes on. And it's really lovely.

But actually, I mean, the job of trying to stop people still coming down on a motorbike really fast, even though it was obviously closed, it was quite stressful. And we had this lovely conversation with a mum who was like, oh, do you ever feel guilty bringing your kid up here? Because you grew up in the countryside, didn't you? And there are a few of us who'd grown up in different bits of countryside. Because I do feel guilty. You know, the idea of growing up.

by the sea or whatever. And I said, no, I don't. Because I think I think I had a far less innocent childhood than all my friends that grew up in cities with things to do. I think you get a longer childhood growing up in the city. Go on, explain that. Why do you think? Because I do have these conversations a lot, as you know,

about bringing them up by Brighton, by the scene, blah, blah. And then a friend said to me, there's a little bit of a drug problem in Brighton and da-da-da. And there's a lot of kids that just drift into stuff because they're bored. Well, and also I think because you know you're living somewhere beautiful, safe comparatively, it's just less human beings to do less bad things. So I think that you relax more and it's a nice thing. You know, my friends bringing their kids up at home.

It still feels at home. They, on the one hand, their kids getting phones younger, but it's because they're already okay to walk to school. These like eight, nine-year-olds are safe and they are safe if they're road aware to walk to school. And even the roads aren't that busy. You know, I can't send my son to walk to school over the South Circular. You know, but equally, I just think that, how busy and how observed kids are in cities leads to, you just stay a bit innocent a little bit longer than I did. And again, no regrets. I'm lucky.

I was able to learn from any mistakes I made back in the day. I never got, you know. But there were, the amount of like drug use, teenage pregnancy, STIs, sex people were having that they didn't actually want to have. We were fucking young getting involved in that kind of stuff. It is, I don't know, I want him to have a longer childhood than I have. It's weird because I mean, I wasn't going to 20. any pubs or anything until I was 16 or 17. Same. I certainly wasn't

interested in sex at 14 or 15. You know, like no one was... We were in pubs from 12. We were getting hammered. Yeah, none of that. We were getting battered before youth club at 12. That's so not going on next. Because I've got two teenagers and they've got nowhere to go. Yeah. Because they're not allowed into pubs. They get ID or whatever. It's like there's nowhere you can get into a pub when you were that age.

Things are more relaxed in terms of all that stuff. Drink, driving, all that stuff. driving before you've got a license. A lot, a lot goes down on the country, less people watching. Still true? Or is this the 80s? Less so, but more than it is in the city. Right.

So let's go to your next photo. So I want to talk about this picture of you in the stripy jumper, where you look even more like your son. Yeah. But you're a little bit older. What sort of a kid were you? Were you a kid that liked attention?

Were you, what sort of, be quiet? How can he say no? So that. I think, yeah, I must have liked detention. I think I loved detention. What sort of kid was I? I think on the one hand, I've brought up very much to like value humour. So there was like if you got a laugh from family members, that was gold.

So yeah, definitely attention seeking on that front. But equally weirdo. Like I was an only child and I, I think I was very well trained to like hang out with adults. And less so with kids. They just have that. I don't know. Like it's interesting.

I think it's a sign of the times probably, but my son's an only child and a bunch of his mates that are actually for all these different reasons. But they gravitated towards it. Yeah, well, maybe actually that's interesting. But then you look and I've met so many different types of only kids. Actually, I think because I know I was, went hard with social. I took it. I was taking him out before he could even hold as a neck up

and trying to make him make friends another baby. I was like, treat these as your siblings. You're not going to be a freak like me. Don't be a freak. It took me 12 years to make a friend. I was so shit at making friends at school. Really? I was a lonely old dumpling for a long, long time. And I sort of had to buy my way into friendship groups, especially of girls, with humour. And that didn't start working until my teens. I had one friend finally when I was about 10 called William Spickett and he was my only friend for years and his parents had a sweet shop and that was great

but it was a weird you know when you've, it's very intense when you've got just the one friend it was whereas my son and I don't know he's got mates thank God he's got mates and he's found it all right and pretty easy to make mates it's interesting isn't it sort of work

like I get into worrying about my kids' social life and I inherited that from I think my mum my mum would get very worried about like Frank your children having friends seems almost as important as like everything and anything like their health and their grades and they're like how many friends have you got how have you got the invitations to a party where are you going at the way it's like this is not i'm just doing the same shit yeah my and it's like i'm not

sure this is good messaging yeah but it's so much so much that hangs on it's a projected anxiety isn't there because also your you know whatever your experiences at school or whatever you know you can't help Like we all remember being at school And there were a couple of kids who didn't have any or many friends Like solitude and like we it's like a sort of you're a social pariah if you're on your own We have so much conditioning about social Yeah Status yeah I just think I'm one WhatsApp group away from fucking smashing life

You know it's like what why are we obsessed with all these Well the irony is now it's yeah we crave solitude Oh Jess that makes me feel sad to think you didn't have any minute Look how cute you are. You're gorgeous. You should have had a good old gang and mates, this little one. But you were funny. It was learning to be, learning to be, I think.

You knew how to get a lot. It doesn't feel like a sad story. In a sense that like, I don't know, I've felt loved by my family and stuff. And I think it's a funny one, isn't it? Yeah. It is. And now I think there's some of the ways in which I was a weirdo, like weirdly mature and like hanging out with adults a lot.

that also has its own For the downsides It also has its own currency In I don't know Like this useful to be quite grown up Once you're a teenager Or in your early teens

Like you get a few jumps ahead It does teach you how to read What adults want from you And I was never uncomfortable In the company of adults But I had a sibling And I was like that Yeah

Were you? Just a bit more like Like I loved hanging out with my mum and dad's friends And making them laugh And you know Outstaying my welcome a bit Yeah My mum and I would have a code

And she'd be like, when I say later to go and get an ashtray, that is code for you to go to bed. And I'd be like, got it. And then later on, she'd go, Kerry, I'd do my full solid 40 minute routine. And then she'd go, can you go to get an ashtray? And I'd be like, got it. And then I left the room and I overheard her. I go, that's our code. She's going to fuck off now.

I love it. But also, it's so caring. She's how to get rid of you. But also, you're in on the joke there. You've got secret. Yes. Yes. And you've also.

And you've people pleased even her. Yes. You've taken, it's basically you haven't done over your time. No, exactly. You've done your set. You've done your time. You haven't ever run. You've done a Patrick Bonaghan.

You knew how to finish when the time was right. There was flashing the light again and again and again. There's no big hook coming on to get up. But yes, I do remember being very enchanted by entertaining my parents friends. Yeah. Oh, I remember doing that. But I also remember like now I think back and I think some of their faces were like, what the fuck always?

What the fuck is this? When we think back, yeah, we thought we were funny. Yeah, only because I was encouraged entirely about my mum, who thought I was hilarious, but I think all of her mates were like, this is excruciating. It's really long. Especially if they've got mates, because they're like, yeah, I've got one of these. They do this.

This is kids. Yeah. We all need unique. We've all got one. Yeah. And by the way, my kids aren't here, so I don't want to have to witness this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't let I do a song next.

I did a song. I remember singing all the words to a really 80s, Julia Fordham song for my mom's best friend and her saying they're like, Jesus, Christ. I think about it all the time. Why did my mum let me let alone encourage me to do that? You need to do it in a show as drama therapy. God, that's such a good point. I feel like me and my friend Sally Elson need to do our full routine of,

oh, here she comes. Watch our boy, she'll chew you up. And we did lots of, you can't see it because it's radio. But loads of that. Yeah, really nice. Loads of that. Loads of that. She's a man eater.

Oh my God. I used to do impressions of David Bellamy and Prince Charles to like people in their 40s. He was staring at me like, oh my God, what is this woman? But there were only three channels. There wasn't as much telling. No, there wasn't phones. Anything Russ Abbott could do, I could do better.

Oh, you know, fast show. I can do that. I can do anything better than. I'm doing the whole of last night's fast show for you now. Yeah. Oh my God. People ask how we got into this job. And I don't want to tell them.

The things you did before the internet was invented. So let's go to the next photo. I want to go to when you're actually a teenager. Let's try and find teenagers. This one I love. What's going on here? Okay. There's you and two mates.

Yes. Oh my God. I don't remember ever looking that young. Got a little bit of bosom out there. That's standing outside my university library. That is unbelievably towards the end of my degree. But you baby. Yeah, we all look.

Is the woman in the blue jumper doing that on purpose? Is that like a character thing? No, you have to be, you have to check though. Because I have said to a friend once, oh, you're doing a character and she was like, what are you talking about? And she had posture. It was not. Just bad posture.

Okay. So this picture is taken. It's not my, it's not a photo I own. And the friend on the right, Sam, also known as sexual Sam. Very sexual lady. She, for my 30th, put together a photo album where everybody had to write me a joke. and it's not quite in there, but it's, what do you call a judge with no thumbs? Justice Fingers.

That's great. I love it. That's really good. That's Sammy's favourite joke. Yeah, Sam on the right. That's Claire, Scottish Claire, in the middle and me. And we were revising for our finals and behind me as LSE Library. And what degree were you doing?

Law. What a waste of time? What the hell? How did you get to? Why? Why were you doing this? Pointless. Oh, just a cash to burn, baby.

Someone said to me, if you don't know what to do, do law. Is that a true thing? So I read, I, you know, there's absolutely no point having any regrets 20-something years on. But I loved history and philosophy at school and at A level. But I thought if I did those for a degree, I'd be sort of aimlessly floating around afterwards. I wanted to do something more vocational that applied similar kind of learning. Were you clever? it wasn't thick

I got really really good GCSEs yeah I was I got really good I got really good GCSEs all my motivations feel so out of whack like with what they morally should have been my GCSEs my I remember saying to my dad I think I'm going to do alright and my dad was one of those people who didn't sort of encourage confidence

and he said no you're not and I went I think I am I think I'm going to get A's in most of them and I remember him saying you're just not I told you how you're not like for every A and above you get, I put a quid on your pocket money per week. And I was like, what?

That's 10 of them. That's a 10 and week. So I did really well in them, not really just to get the pocket money, but as a fuck you, dad. Yeah. But by A levels, I think I'd already started, I did well, but I didn't do as well as I could have done.

And I think I'd already started sometimes self-sabotaging a bit. And when I could feel the pressure of something, because the bar had been set quite high by the GCSEs, I would procrastinate. I remember completing the game snake on my first ever mobile phone, anything to avoid the work. Still did enough work to do all right. But yes, I think I probably could have swept the board

and didn't because there was a lot of hormones and avoidance going on. I started really avoiding the thing I was meant to be working on. And that's a desire that's never left me. You know, if I'm meant to be writing a new show, I will clean my... house, you know, or like start a new project, you know. But you learn to basically face the work you've got to do and prioritise in a way that we've got to.

But I still have, it's funny that the desire is still there. Those friends really helped, we helped each other a lot in those revision times. You found your people. You found your people and they were all studying something similar to you or, no. What were your friends doing? So Claire wasn't even at LSE. She was doing History of Art, the Courthold, which is over the road. Like it only takes about 18 people a year.

and now she's still works. She's a Steve McQueen's agent, her art agent. Like, she's still really deep. Yeah, amazing. And then Sam is, oh God, she was doing. Sexual Sam. Sexual Sam was doing something.

I think she's doing environmental policy and something else. And now she's like, really high up in campaigns for a dementia charity, a big dementia charity. How did you meet each other if you weren't all doing? We were in intercollegiate halls.

So we were at student halls in Kings Cross that had kids. We were kids from UCL Kings, all the London. And how did you find coming to London? Terrifying in that first year. And then by the time I was in the second year and I'd moved to South East London. By accident, actually, with some friends, was broccoli first. I was like, I could already imagine living there forever and now I think I will, yeah. From leaving uni with a degree in law

Which would have led it to a definite career Yeah As a barrister or a solicitor How the hell did you then find your way On to the open mic circuit When I finished my degree I did a few mini-pupilages What's that mean?

It's like a sort of like Unpaid work experience that you have to do If you want to ever be a barrister Before you start doing You need it at the time, it might be different now You finish your degree and then you'd have to clock up a certain amount of hours of that. I'll try and get some paid paralegal work,

like basically unqualified legal work in various fields, and then you'd do a course called the bar. And if you pass the bar, you can then start at the lowest level of barrister. I've heard of the bar. But already I realised that if you wanted to be a criminal law family barrister, that's the most popular type of law that students want to go into or was then, because it's the most interesting, it's the most human,

it's the most connected, probably the most worthy feeling at the time. So it's the most competitive. So you have to be the absolute best to get a job in it. And it also means it's the worst paid because everybody wants to do it and wants to do it well.

And it was really, really obvious that it wasn't the only thing I wanted to do and if I was going to succeed at it, it would have to be put all your eggs in this basket and go for it, like really try. And there were just too many other things I wanted to have a go at and I felt too young to put all my eggs in that basket. So all the while that was happening, ways of showing off came in.

Like there was a finish this sitcom competition for BBC, a writing competition. I remember doing that. So it started with writing. I remember writing some sketches for another open competition, went to watch other people perform them and there was some, I now realised terrible improv on some short form improv. But I thought, oh, I have seen that on television, who's line is it anywhere? and I asked them if I could have a go. They said, yes, ended up in a huge kind of quite unwieldy, really dog shit improv group.

But there were a few incredible people in it. One of them was Carriad Lloyd. Oh, yeah. She introduced me to her best friend from uni, two best friends, Vanessa Hammock and Sarah Pasco. We all ended up making our own little improv group called The Institute. And it's also had Gemma Whelan. Is this one of your pictures?

Yes, we did some sketches as a sketch group where we did one gig. called Beard Patrol. You? That is hilarious. Is that you? Is that you? In the middle, yeah, yeah. You look fantastic with a beard.

Thank you. All of you look for you. We all look quite hot with beards, I actually think all of you could carry a beard, but you. You look like Muford and Sons. This looks like a band photo. Who plays a banjo? You. Mumford and son.

I would go and watch them play a music gig. Carriette's hat. Carriette's hat is incredible. Incredible. Where did she get that hat from? Oh no, I don't know. It's so good. That picture's hilarious. So when you found these people, did you were like, these are my people?

Yeah, this is fun actually, yeah. Really? That's how you got into it? Yeah. And then one gig in. So it was acting in improv and sketch and blah, la la la. And then you were like, hang on, stand up. Well, I was like, well, Sarah's getting a lot of attention. Um, I think I can't, everyone who doesn't look quite a trick. I can do that.

I can undo that. to be fair those as much as those motivations are relatively toxic as I was quick to learn it took me one my first gig was only two minutes and I was like whoa addicted like really and then all the acting

went went in the bin for about five or six years it was all about stand up really and you just threw yourself at it yeah every night and all these other careers that you were at these moments of binned all off then and you were like finally this this this that's great it needed to show itself to me

by a bit of FOMO yeah so you kept up the other jobs obviously for a certain amount of time just for the money until you started to make money from standout. And there would be times where, I mean, you know what it's like, but you'd watch it going, you'd watch other standouts' trajectories and go, well, it took them 10 years to get a break, but I can probably do it in three. You know, or if I haven't, I remember saying to my mom, because she's, my, stand-up is my

mom's idea for hell. Like, she's worst, like, you can't imagine anything more awful. I remember saying to her once I've got a gig at the Royal Albert Hall and she went, I'm so sorry. You know, so. It's most people's idea. Yeah. It is. And I remember saying to her,

if I haven't got this, this and this after three years, I'll give it up or do something proper. And I remember getting to that point and being like, I don't want to give up. It's really hard for the first five, six, well, I'd say even 10 years, you're on a hamster's wheel. And the only way to, you can't stop.

You can't stop moving. Because if you stop moving, you're going to stop progressing. And then once you've got to the point where you're progressing, then you realise you're on a hamster's wheel. And then you're like, I've got to get off this.

How do I get off it? It's like this bizarre thing of like reaching a point and then knowing when is the time to leave and that tapes. Do you remember your, I had a real moment. Do you remember your moment where you were like, it's got a, yeah.

Yeah. What was yours? Nottingham. Nottingham. Glee. It was Christmas. Oh. And I was walking along,

I was walking into the venue, uh, up along a mezzanine floor rounds to the green room. And one of the staff came back and she went, oh, fourth year's a charm. And I went, what do you mean? She goes, you're here every year.

And I was like, oh, yeah, I've done four Christmas in a row, normally you don't do that in the same venue and I was like yeah, no, I've got to have this Scott around. I've got to stop. What about you? It came out of nowhere. I had a growing

sense. I think I just I'd had the joy of being able to do a bit of tour support or share the bill with people who had lovely audiences and all the while I was plugging away at the clubs. I didn't very often have great gigs in those spaces for various reasons. I wasn't great at comedy

at that point, but equally I hadn't worked out who I was on stage, but also when it did go well, it was when I was doing the shortest, most accessible, rudest material. And I was watching the people who slayed it every night, having developed comedy that worked in those environments and getting this creeping sense

that I was on a train I couldn't get off, on a hamster wheel. But the slap moment was, it was rudy turning one, it was my son turning one, where I'd made a call, I was going to stop carrying him around with me. For the first year, I took him everywhere with me, and I'd get a babysitter in a hotel,

so I could pop and do my 20 minutes in baby blue or whatever and then get back to the hotel. So I don't have to pay for an hour. Yeah. But I was lugging. And when he got to one, yeah. And when he got to one, I was like, this is the best for him now. I remember feeling really tearful before a lovely gig in Leeds, Hi-Fi. And I loved that gig.

But I remember thinking, I don't want another fucking stranger. I don't want to hand you to another stranger. I've done my time at this. It's more for me than him. He didn't give a shit. And I remember the babysitter that night being so lovely because you could tell I didn't want to, you know. That sounds really. Him turning one, I went, do you know what?

If you're not going to take him with you, if this isn't, how old, I was only 33? I remember thinking, if you don't really be doing this into your 40s, why the fuck is it where you're pouring all your energy now? I couldn't afford to stop immediately, but it took about a year, year and a half. So carrying on that story, did that feel like the payoff when you had that hit show at Edinburgh with all those stars all over it? Yeah. You were like, that decision you made when Rudy was won. this is the outcome. Like to just shape...

And I did a show before that as well. I think... So my first few shows, I think in retrospect, deserved the three stars they all got. All my only show has got a solid three stars. Just a rock solid three. A three insults me more than a two or a one, still to this day because I got so bored

of being called average and solid. Oh, it's horrible. Pedestrian was a word that will stay with me forever. Pedestrian. You're not pedestrian. Pedestrian. That's... Pedestrian.

Well, they're a knobbed. And I remember what was being at Edinburgh and having a solid three-star show And then someone went, oh, I just saw a four-star, and it was pissing with rain, and I'd been emotionally, you know, fragile for the entire month. And then, and I went, where was that? Where was that? And I ran, because they sort of said, oh, it was around the corner.

I saw four stars on your poster. And I was like, just running to try and find it. And they just made a mistake. Oh. It wasn't true. And just the sadness of like, no, you are, it's three stars. I feel you. They're all three.

Yeah. Never got above. Later, but that, that picture. I love that picture. I stuck that in there and I was like, do you know what? A man would. Absolutely. Yes.

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I mean those stories you just told about being in hotels with Rudy when he's little. I mean, that's an extra thing that a lot of comics, blokes, let's face it, don't have to. I mean, that's massive. It's really funny, isn't it? So, because I've got this talk going up, I've had a bunch of interviews, and I've had a really interesting thing where it's the kindest of intentions, but I've had so many people say, how are you going to juggle it, you know, as a parent being on tour? And I think, are you asking any men this? No. Ever?

No. It's really annoying. And it's really hard not to be a bit brusk and say. I just say be brusional. parented by other people. He'll be cared for by other people, just like any other parent who works. And also, he has two parents.

Yeah. So if it's not you, it'll be his other parent. Yeah. And also, none of your fucking business. Yeah. It was like, well, you know, what do you want me to say off? Yeah. Oh, I'll stick him in a wheelie bin and pick him up on Thursday.

People always do it. They'd be like, I remember early on when I'd had kids and I'd be at gigs, club gigs or whatever, and they're like, who's with, who's got your baby? Baby? Yes, where is that baby? Left it on the fucking train. Has anyone seen a baby? She's rock up with an empty buggy.

It looks like me, but smaller. Angry is smaller, a bit of ketchup on the face. That's actually the perfect description. How old is he now? Yeah. Eight. And what does he think of what you do? I think he's reluctantly proud of what I do.

do, but he is... He sounds like your dad. Yeah. Oh my God. Oh, Kerry. He, um... He's all sass at the moment. Right.

I don't know what it is about eight, but he's... He's a cuddleman. He is affectionate and a... He's a really glorious mixture of nerd and thug, and he is, like, really tactile and affectionate, but, like, he's already, like, giving it all that, like, calling me fun and, like, just comes up at school, talking that, like, whatever. Like, you know, oh, so he's trying on lots of different personalities. And some of them are proud of it.

of me and some of them aren't. That's the drill, isn't it? That's the drill, your mum hat. When your kid calls you brough, then you're like, that's why I drew the line, actually. You're not calling me brough. No, that's kind of through door saying. People might read that literally.

I get scared, because occasionally my kids, because I like you, sometimes talked about my kids on stage. Do you ever get any feedback from the, like, now and they, especially because mine are older now, I have, like, when Frank said to me, can you not do that bit about me sticking my face? finger up the TAs ass. And I was like, sure, no, I hear you, but I did it on live at the Apollo and it kind of

paid for a holiday. So can we, can we ever, honest conversation about how useful it is for you to be funny and me to make money out of that? Yeah. Yeah, he's quite, he's a bit sensitive about it now and I've got, I've got to think about that. I've got, well, but just, just basically if I'm checking something with him, I need to be the butt of the joke. Right.

Like, whatever the influence on him was, he can't be the butt of the joke at the moment, I don't think. Okay. Because I've already had a situation where, like, a friend at school has been shown YouTube clips and learnt them. Oh, shit. And he's fine with it if it was long ago. And we've had a conversation about that. And I said, I think you should be able to laugh at what a weapon you were when you were three. Yeah.

I think we all should. We were all a nightmare when we were three. Yeah. And I told a story on another podcast called parenting hell. And he was like, that, and we walked into somewhere and someone went, oh my God, I'd heard that story on parenting it. And I hadn't told him, I'd told it less, I don't plan what I'm going to say on podcasts. No, exactly.

And he was like, what was that? And I was like, uh, and it was basically a story of him shitting in a hedge. Oh, wow. And then they get very tough. And he gets quite sensitive, yeah. But from when I was, is that from when I was a toddler? And I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. It wasn't, it wasn't.

Oh, man. It's so hard. was that thing I mean like, ah, I had a rule and I broke my own. It's really hard because you go, well, really hard not to tell the story when you've done this amazing. Because I thought it was me that was embarrassed in the situation. You're not embarrassed yet, you're right. Yeah.

So it's tricky. I have got a tiny bit in my new show and I saw, problem with if I check something, but then he goes. He'll say no. Well, he doesn't say no. He's cut it now for my show, but I had a bit, because he went to the barbers and they said, what we're going to do? And he started answering for himself. He went, I want, long on top, around the sides of want a sick fade.

I thought that was funny, because he was about, five and he was saying this and then he said every time I get my haircut people say you look much older so for this one can you make me look 29 and I thought that was brilliant right so I asked him to use it and so can I say that and he went only if you say tell them I want to look 45 and I was like no

yeah it's not as funny love you don't get to rewrite it you're flipping classic white middle class man yeah exactly no man's playing my routine back to this you don't oh god here we go just assuming you could do it better It's a tricky one, isn't it?

I don't think my kids have ever heard any of the stank. Have they never seen you do it? No, I don't let them. No. For obvious reason, you won't be able to stop them. Yes, I will. I won't be able to stop them. But until that time,

I say, no one is. Why don't they get a kid in the playground going, look at me, look at me, look at me, look at me, look at me, look at me, look at me, look at me. You're in trouble. Because my kids quote your standard. Look at me, look at me, look at me, look at me. They love it. When a kid walks up to them

like shooting themselves in the face as they're talking then... Yeah, that might cause some problems. Do Dad comics have this dilemma? I just feel guilty all the time if I'm... Ramesh tucks in, let's ask him.

I bet he does get a bit of it. I think he does get a bit of feedback now. Yeah. Because they're older. I think there's one of these sons, is it his second one, he always refers to as a prick. Yeah.

Oh, shit. He's a complete prick. I think if you go in that head, heavy people know you're joking, right? Oh, you'd be surprised. The kid might not. Yeah, it's true. I mean, if you're like, if people come up to you as a family on an outing, go, is this the prick?

He's got a routine about that. He's like, is this the prick one? I mean, when the kid's like, oh, oh. Jess, thanks so much for coming. Thanks for having me. Before we say so long for now. Can you tell us about your tour and your special, please? Thanks.

And your podcast. Okay. my tour is start now February whenever this goes out it's called metal with two teas

as in show a bit of metal grit about digging in putting a bit of a shift in and about the pace of life really a bit and then that's for now

that's between now and like going on all the way till June on the UK of all around UK and Ireland's biggest one I've done so far please can you come to that

that's the main thing come to that also I have special of my last show wench that's on £800 pound gorilla that is pay what you want but at the end of February becomes free to stream on YouTube. Yep. And then I've got a podcast

called Hoovering that's all about eating if you're interested in eating. It's a great podcast. There's six years worth of gubbins there. You can pick in and out of anyone interesting I've interviewed. You can start with them. Brilliant. So if we want to find out the dates, go to your website get your bio on your Instagram or on your

Facebook or on your Instagram. Most active on Instagram at Jessica Fosterkey. My website is Jessica Vostokue.com. Brilliant. Thanks, James. Thanks for, that's definitely, do it. What a fun chat. So lovely.

An amazing, amazing chat. Thank you. You're brilliant. Thanks, lad. Did you watch one day yet? I love one day. Jesus Christ, I just sat and cried like an absolute. I don't know, I was keening.

Like Ben and the kids just had to walk away from me. I just sat there going, like, ha, ha, ha ha ha ha. Like that. And they all like, okay, just maintain I can. Yeah. Maintain eye contact and just back out of the room. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And it destroyed me. I'm on episode. I think I'm on episode seven. So I'm halfway. Oh, man. Well, you know how it ends anyway, right? I do. I've read the book, yeah.

And again, I remember reading the book and just sitting there going, ah! You know when your whole body gets involved? Yeah. And I couldn't stop crying. But I think you probably needed it. Oh, I needed it 100%. It was like I was just, it was like a colonic.

I was getting everything out. Right. That's great though, isn't it? You're having like a... Cathartic. A cathartic emotional colonic where you can really let it all out. It's like feng shui for the soul.

I just had a good old clear out. I don't think... Is that what feng shui is? Yeah, you're clearing out all your shit. That's what feng shui is. That's what my mum did in the 80s when she discovered feng shui. I think feng shui is about energy. Yeah, I know you put a ribbon on a money plant.

But what I'm saying is to get to the ribbon on the money plant and the mirror facing west, You need to clear out all your shit first. Right, okay. Because I thought she doesn't know what feng shui is. I know what feng shui. My mum called it feng shui in the 80s. She was like, I've discovered feng shui, and I'm going to clear all the shit out.

And bags and bags of stuff got, like, taken away. That's what I think of as feng shui. Did you find that a lot of that stuff was yours? Because Chloe does that. Yeah, but. She just goes, I'm having a clear out. Oh, that's all my stuff. All of my stuff that you've just put in plastic house.

But you've got to, haven't you? It's the old Marie condo. Does it Spark Joy? No, it causes a breakdown. Get rid of it. I need to be really clear that I own about three things. So if you chuck me three things out, I don't have anything. I said, Chloe, I don't let her get rid of that plant. Don't let her get rid of that plant.

She won't get rid of the plant. She loves plants. That plant's staying. Look, you can see behind me, there's all that stuff. That's been meaning. That's had to go for a while. That is a big old pile of shit there, mate. That's a big part of shit, yeah. I like how you mask it. As soon as you moved, you're sitting here. Yeah, you mask it really well. And then you move to the left and it really does look like a car boot sale there in the corner of that house.

That carbootsail has been there all right. So, Chloe, are we doing anything with that? She said, yeah, we're going to get rid of it. I said, do you want me to just take that down to the charity shop? Who would want that in a charity shop? She said, even charity shops have got founded. Yeah, I know. Oh, that is the catchphrase of doom.

I'm going to go through that. I mean, a lot of them are, there's a couple of picture frames in there. I think we can hang on to those and then everything else. Oh, no. Once you start with that, we can hang on. onto that. I can make use for that. I'll find a use for that. You're into hoarding territory. You're a hoarder. Yeah. No danger of that. I don't own anything. And everything I do own has been shocked out in a black bastard. I'm Max Rushden. I'm David O'Dardy. And we'd like to invite you to

listen to our new podcast. What Did You Do Yesterday? It's a show that asks guests the big question. Quite literally, what did you do yesterday? That's it. That is it. Max, I'm still not sure. Where do we put the stress, is it what did you do yesterday? What did you do yesterday? You know what I mean? What did you do yesterday? I'm really down playing it. Like, what did you do yesterday? Like, I'm just, I'm just a guy just asking a question, but do you think I should go bigger? What did you do yesterday? Every single word, this time, I'm going to try and make it like it is the killer word. What did you do yesterday? I think that's too much, isn't it? That is. That is. That that's over the top.

What did you do yesterday? Available wherever you get your podcasts every Sunday.