Memory Lane with Kerry Godliman and Jen Brister - S03 E10: Lucy Porter

Episode Date: March 20, 2024

"I might as well have carried a picture of Margaret Thatcher and copy of the Sun..." This week we have the ever so funny and ever so wonderful human Lucy Porter on the show! Lucy brought in 40 photos... but who's counting?! Plus Kerry and Jen discuss babysitters, New Orleans and The Weakest Link... Amongst other things... Photo 01 - Adorable / curtains Photo 02 - Frank and Bonner Photo 03 - Frog and Bucket urinal Photo 04 - Me and Margaret Photo 05 - Me, Martin and Robin Photo 06 - Cannon and Ball Photo 07 - Barry Cryer Photo 08 - Tatler photoshoot PICS & MORE - https://www.instagram.com/memory_lane_podcast/ A Dot Dot Dot Production produced by Joel Porter Hosted by Jen Brister & Kerry Godliman Distributed by Keep It Light Media Sales and advertising enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Explore the new Peloton Cross Training Tread Plus at OnePeloton.ca. Hello and welcome to Memory Lane. I'm Jen Bristair and I'm Kerry Godleman. Each week we'll be taking a trip down Memory Lane with our very special guest as they bring in four photos from their lives to talk about. To check out the photos we'd be having a natter with them about, they're on the episode image and you can also see them a little bit more clearly on our Instagram page, so have a little look at Memory Lane podcast.

Come on, we can all be nosy together. Can we talk about where you are? Yeah, I'm here in new ones. Do you know what I'm doing today? Filming? No, I'm not filming today. I've got a day off. I'm going on a swamp tour.

Are you going on one of those boats like Huckleberry Finn? Yeah, with a massive fan. With a massive fan. You see alligators. I've seen alligators. How are you enjoying New Orleans? I really, I tell you what, New Orleans is a pretty special place, isn't it? I told you.

It's extraordinary. I tell you what, as cities go, It's got a lot of charisma. It's got a lot of charisma. Honestly, if you're thinking of taking a trip to the United States of America, this is the city to go. The director said the other day, there's three cities in America with, you know, true personality and that's New York, San Francisco and New Orleans.

New Orleans. So in his opinion, it's the three. Yes, but that's the triptych. I mean, I don't know. I haven't been to all three of those places. Also, you sent me a couple of pictures of. The food you've been eating, and that looks amazing. I haven't gone in hard on the old gumbo stuff yet.

I can't really sort of get my head around it. What you mean? I haven't found the right... I was taking out... Finally, we got taken out for dinner the other night, and then I think if I'm in the hands of someone else ordering, it's fine. But when I'm met with a menu and I'm like, oh...

Also, I don't really like all that crayfish weird stuff. Oh, okay. I love all that. You see, I'm not... It's the eyes. You're not a good... It's the eyes. You don't eat the eyes. No, well, apparently, yeah, I know, but the eyes are in there, aren't they looking at you?

Not in their legs, they're not. No, but the eyes are in, they keep, they boil the whole guy. And then they just put it in a bucket and give it to you. There's definitely, I've got quite a few problems. Can you? It just is like a bucket of bugs. Yeah, well, they've got long legs and their own legs. And antennae.

Antenai. It's got antennae. Yeah, well, they're, so, yeah. Well, I don't want to eat. Yeah, I don't want that. It just feels like a bucket of bugs. But everybody bloody loves them. it they're all like crawfish

crawfish jazz it's crawfish and jazz that's what nrond it's all about and people are so friendly it's weird people call me ma'am ma'am is weird I like I feel like you like it you like it I really like it it doesn't work in our accent

because it sounds like you sort of like the queen mom mom but here yes ma'am yes ma'am you ask a question yes ma'am Yes, ma'am. Yes, sir. Yes, ma'am. You're getting that southern hospitality, aren't you?

I like it. You like the southern hospitality. I do. Yeah. Because you might not get that everywhere. No, but you get it down here. Although in America, everyone is polite and friendly and asks how you are. Someone said to me, but it's very insincere, they don't mean it.

I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. Do I want sincere animosity or insincere politeness? I go for insincere. I get sincere animosity every day in the UK. Yes. Yes. That's what we're met with. I'm sincerely

wish that you have a fucking shit day. I mean that from the bottom of my heart. I actively hope that. Great. Okay, thank you for that feedback. But now, heading into the US, in sincerely, I hope you have a nice day. I don't care that you don't mean it. Yeah, no, I like it. I like it. And you've got eye contact with me.

They do eye contact, don't they? Which is also a little bit. They do a lot of eye contact. So I've become someone that started looking away. And I've always been very distrustful of people that look away, but I've become one because it's too much. It's when waiters get eye contact with you, you're like, do I know? There's a little bit of me that's like, do we know each other?

I'm glad you're having fun. It's been absolute roller coaster here. Go on. What have you been doing? My weakest link went out on Saturday. Wow. And you went out, you got eliminated quite early. I've got eliminated very early.

I can say that now. How early? I can't remember, but let's say... In the first three? First four? Okay, okay. How humiliating for you? Yeah, it was pretty humiliating.

I don't know if I told you, but I stayed in for quite a while. Yes, I think I was in the top three. Right, okay. Well, in my defence, if there is any... Top three. Okay, I don't know what you're doing with your head there, you look like a pigeon. In my defence, right? if I have any defence here, but I'm going to...

Go on, go on, go for it. Yeah, all right. Okay, go on, actually. Just stop going on about it and do it. Go on and defend yourself. Okay, so I was about 100 dates into this tour, and I was very, very tired. Oh, you were you tired? Right, I'm going to fuck you, right?

And it was my day off, and the weakest link came in. I said, I don't think I can do it because it's squeezing in between these dates. And then my agent went, you've had absolutely no other office of television, I suggest to do this. So I said, Okay, just to remind people I'm alive. So. He went into Tellyland. Hi, guys.

I did. Teleworld. Hey, it's me, Jen Prista. I'm a social media phenomenon. Remember me? Off I went to Tellyland. Just for people listening, I live in Brighton and Tellyland is in Glasgow.

So on my day off, off I went to Glasgow. Yep. To be fun and effervescent. And that doesn't come naturally to you, does it? Well, it really doesn't. And nice to all the production staff, because I don't like to be a prick. No. That took up 95% in my age.

And then you had nothing left for the quizzing. I had 5% which I gave with smiles and hers. Isn't it fun to be here? Yeah. And then I was left to see it. Everything. I do remember it was really humiliating how quickly I got knocked out and I've got a story behind why I should have got knocked out even earlier. So basically what happened was I'm in the car with J.B. from JLS.

That's a lot of acronyms. Who's that? I know. I don't know. It's J.B. from JL. There's only three of them in JLS. No, that's JLA. ALA, yeah. Not JLN. Okay. I'm sure we could like keep going with this acronym gag, but the cylinders aren't firing yet again. I love acronyms. I know you do.

You lean into an acronym at every available opportunity. Let me get to the end of what is. Go on. JLS. Stay P and JLS. Go on. Right. So I'm in this vehicle where they pick you up from the station.

Oh, station. No, we've arrived at a station. Because just to let listeners know I took the train, I did not fly. They make you take the train, so don't you're not getting any virtue signaling points for that? No, I got offered the plane because I had to get back down to do a gig. They went, we're doing sustainable, blah, blah, so. Well, I know two people have got a plane. So there.

Anyway, I said no, I'll get the train. So sustainable that up your bum. Okay, go. So, okay. Can I get to the end of this? Joel, you're going to have to edit the fuck out of this anecdote. Sure. It's a great anecdote.

It's absolutely. Well, it would be if I was allowed to. To finish it. Come on. Just finish it. Fuck me. For a stand-up, this is what's known as a shaggy dog. Just get to the bit that's good.

Right, okay. Are you done? So we get picked up, right? And I'm in the van with Ivo and J.B. J-B-Graim. J-B is the bloke from J-LF. Fuck me. We've already established who J-B is.

Anyway, so Ivo says, okay. I-V-Graim, yeah, lovely Ivo. He says, right, okay. I think we need to have a pact between the three of us. And I said, okay, what's the pact? He said the pact is that nobody is allowed, the three of us make sure that we don't vote each other out in the first two rounds so that we can all at least last this in the third round.

And I said, sure, thinking none of us will need that pact because I'm certainly not going to get knocked out in the third round because I'm not that fucking stupid. Uh-oh. Round two, I'm ready to get knocked out. Okay? I should have been knocked out round two. I get asked a question.

I don't hear the question. I asked Ramesh to say the question again. I'm still not listening. Are you having a breakdown? Ramesh is like, I'm not going to say this question again. Anyway, I'm like staring into the abyss going, how do I say I don't know what this question is? And in the end, I go pass.

And he's like, fucking hell, you took 20 seconds to pass. Everyone's like, she's got to go because she's the weakest link. We get round to the end, okay? This is round two of me staring into the abyss. bit like um oh wow i don't if you've ever seen somebody uh i don't know i can't even describe it if you ever seen somebody and they've just completely yes i look like i was in a coma but standing yeah with your eyes so with my eyes open not blinking so so far so far i do know that i know what you mean that sort of polax thing when you're on telly and you don't know you can't

i literally yeah it got asked the same question twice i literally didn't hit yeah i literally didn't hear the question. And I'm sort of like, the vague sort of humiliation is rising. And also I'm like, I'm so tired. I don't even know what to say or do. So I said something like, I don't know. And he went, oh my God, that took you 30 seconds to say, you don't know. The round is nearly over. Everyone's looking at me like, oh my God, why didn't you say pass? So we get round. We get to the end. Everyone votes for me as the weakest. Except your two packed buddies. J.B. And. in a way it looks bad on them.

Long story short, then Ivo gets locked out. So you outlived Ivo? I mean, I shouldn't have outlived Ivo. Wow. I shouldn't have, but I did. That's why, if you're watching it going, why did Jim Bristler not get voted out the second round? That's the fact.

Lucy, it's so lovely to have you on the podcast. I'm just, I'm sorry. I'm still slow. I'm still scrolling through the many, many photographs. Did you get the briefs? Do you know, well, what happened was? Four photos, when I booked this in. Cannon and a ball?

What's going on? Sorry, I just keep looking at photo. Yours will be the only episode we montage for. The photo montage. Anyone else think you're going to get away with it. It's only for Lucy Porter. It's only because I was honestly, when I booked this in, I said to motivation, whatever you do, don't let me panic.

And the day before, I said, bug me, nudge me. How did that roll? How did that pan out? She bugged me. nudged me and then it got to yesterday. Oh wow, so it still made no different to you see it. I find this very reassuring that people operate in the same way.

Oh, I can't think about something until two minutes before I do it. That's the only way that I can ever work. I feel like that's a stand-up thing, isn't it? Yeah, don't ask me to plan ahead because I love to, I love the improv. And unfortunately in life, that doesn't work as well as on stage. So what we were basically

getting at is that you have sent us about 40, is it? Yeah, I just basically, basically, every photo that was on my phone I sent to you. Oh my God, you didn't even style it out. Literally. There's no editing or curating has gone on whatsoever so yes there are photos

of me with Canon and Ball. There was one of me with Miriam Margulies which I'm very proud of but I didn't put that in. Right, we've got to start from the beginning. We got sidetracked with Pickling which I blame myself for because I am genuinely interested but I want to go to an early photograph of you Lucy when you are... There aren't a huge amount.

Some of these are just golden. This one of you and Margaret Kay Bond Smith. I know the one about The one of you and Margaret is... Also, these glasses that Margaret's wearing. I mean, Margaret's face and you and that glass of wine just sums up comedy in the 19th. Edinburgh.

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Me in front of our delightful 80s. That's a very 80s curtain. And it's a very 80s. Like, you know, when you got your photos developed, you could choose to have it with that white sort of border. Yes. Which made it a little bit more classy. Oh, look at you.

But this is so cute. How old are you in this picture, Lucy? I would say I'm primary school. I would say probably seven or eight. You're a little dot. I'm adorable. You are adorable. Like, absolutely.

I work that. I work that for every, well, I was the youngest child. So adorable was my currency. That's what I did. was, you know, the others are clever, brilliant. You're clever and brilliant, but you're also adorable. Adorable. Completely adorable.

I love it that this hits a photograph of a photograph taken on carpet. Yes. On a 1970s carpet, actually. But the background wallpaper is also absolutely, because it's, I can see. And the shadow of something. That was curtains. That was that curtains. That was.

I remember them really well, yeah. Are they slightly shiny? Yeah, they were from Marks and Spencers. Oh, did my mum tell everybody about that? Oh, the curtains, yes, they're from Marks and Spences. Sorry, Eminet. It's pretty cast, you know. Well, it was.

And, I mean, you wouldn't know how much curtains cost, right? We're into pickling. We know about curtains. Yeah. And so she was absolutely so delighted with those curtains and kept them. In fact, they were there when we moved their stuff out of the house after Mom and Dad died. Those curtains were still there because they were so beloved. I don't ever wash my curtains.

Can I just confess that straight off of that? Are you supposed to? People wash their curtains? I don't think I've. I've never been a kid just sat watching Telling one day when my arm across the back of the sofa and just feeling the bottom of the curtain thinking, oh my God, there's money in there?

Yes! There's money in there? That's so weird. And then my mum going, that is not money, it's a curtain weight. Yes, I was like, what? No, my mind. Couldn't believe it. Thought I found a quid. Exactly right.

I think that, I had exactly the same experience going, there are coins at the bottom of our curtains. Thought we'd come quickly. And not, there's those little silver discs. Yeah, right, okay. Where did you grow up? Where were these curtains and you? So this is Croydon, South London. 1973. I made my adorable appearance.

Your debut. A delight from the very beginning. Born same year? Yes. So, yes. What a year. What a great year to be born. What a vintage year it really was. Give me some more information about this year, other than the birth of you two. Yeah, I've got nothing. Absolutely classic.

I was born. Silla Black was on the television as I was being born. Right. She said, loose, you always, you loved an evening out. you know, you've made your appearance at night. You loved us. Surprise, surprise, surprise. Hello Lucy Potter, what you know, where to come from? Oh, bloody love, Shiller. So we're in Croydon, because it's a big old sprawling place.

Yeah, well, we were all over. So I think it was like New Adington, Addiscombe, we lived in for a bit, Shirley. Oh, did some time. When you go back to where you're from, you're like, I don't want to live here. There's too many ghosts. Oh, my God, the memories. Well, I had a really weird, I was in Manchester. So then, yes, in answer to your question, I did get out there as soon as possible, went to university in Manchester.

Did you? Oh, that's a great city to be at university, wasn't it? Especially in the 90s. Yes. Oh, my God, has the end of days. Oh, my friend was at Manchester in the 90s. So were you doing drama? No, I did English.

But my husband was doing drama. Is that where you met? No. Oh, you were there at the same time? We were there at the same time. He was doing drama and you would think being a bit of a, you know. At Manchester uni? Yeah.

Yeah, but we've got friends in college. So when we did get together, I then met his friend Simon. I was like, oh yeah, we used to be in tutorials together, yeah, no time. But somehow our paths never crossed. Oh, we were in the same room, but he was looking at his height. I was looking at my head. We ought to say who your husband is because he's very, how tall is it? He's six foot five and I'm four feet 11 inches and shrinking by the moment.

Did you get together for the novelty? It was a little bit of comedy. value, yes. If you're going to be in the circus, you may as well have a proper circus. Our generation was raised on the Crankies. We... Well, we've often thought about doing a Cranky's tribute act, but with him playing little Jimmy and I would be Ian. I need this. I need this to happen, Lucy. We keep talking about it. Let's do it. Please let's do it. Don't wait for Halloween. Just bloody well do it.

Is this picture of you at uni, the most 90s picture. of all your pictures. That is being an absolute dickhead in the first year of university with my friends Frank and Brona and we were doing one of those oh let's do a photo love story you know dear dear drew type and so we were doing one of those but yeah just like look at Frank's haircut in that well he looks a bit at first I thought is that my husband Ben who had that haircut and wore those clothes that's such a 90s look isn't it I think every bloke I went to college with had that haircut.

Curtains, yeah. Those curtains. And that, yeah, that sort of grungy, straight jeans, check shirt. Yeah. Normally a band t-shirt. He's gone rogue. I know, but he probably did. It would have been Nirvana, wouldn't it?

It would have been that sort of, it's that era. It would have been a Kurt Cobain. And what was it like, I mean, did you have the time of your life at Manchester in the 90s? Oh, unbelievably so. Right from the get-go, you just hit the ground running. Yeah. I mean, I took a tiny amount of hash. So on the first night

Everyone went Oh, there's a girl down the corridor And she's got some drugs And that was me And I had never been cool before But I had managed in Croydon To get someone to give me a little tiny Like a crumbed

That's genius That's genius isn't it So I'm going up to uni I'm going to reinvent myself I'm going to get my hands on a little bit of gear And it's going to clinch it And I had never Like I probably had like two puffs

sort of joint in my entire And it's not It's never done anything for me. It's not my drug. But you hung your entire persona on that one decision. This is what I am going to make my... They're going to love me up there. And they didn't.

So, yeah, I would say about 35 to 40 students came and sat in my room on the first night. That's just great. And I couldn't roll a joint. I'm not that you had a gear, but you couldn't roll. Amazing. I think I know I had Rizzlers, but yeah, I had no idea they had to put a bit of cold. board. So anyway, but I managed to sort of style it out and kind of go, yeah, normally my boyfriend rolls them for me.

But yeah. And you hit the club scene and all of it. You did Manchester. I did kind of. But yeah, the Hacienda was sort of dying a death. It was a real. What year were we talking? So this is 91 to 94.

So really. Oh, I thought that was still quite Hacienda. No, the cool people had moved on. It was all of us. Oh, right. So that was like 80s. First year students. Okay.

Yeah, it was end of the 80s was when apparently you could get the good ecstasy and everybody was having a marvellous time. It's so fucking annoying, isn't it to be constantly told you? Just a bit too late for every movement. I'll just miss that and I just missed this. Then there was like, it was more like acid and house music and stone roses. Oh yeah, it was all about.

Oh, happy Mondays. They were coming through and all of that was like a really exciting time to be in Manchester, surely. Well, and for me, more pertinently, comedy-wise, it was amazing. So the music was starting to... I mean, Oasis were kind of in the ascendant as well. So there was a lot of...

There was a lot of cool music. And I did go and see loads of gigs and I was a big indie kid, so I used to go to the boardwalk and the various internationals and the band on the wall and places. But comedy was starting to become a thing. So there was a burgeoning comedy scene

with like Carolina Hearn and Steve Coogan and John Thompson and they'd all kind of met at uni and stuff. And yeah, so I, but yeah, I was quite obsessed with comedy and... But not as a performer, as a sort of fan. No, no, definitely as a fan and I had no ambition to perform whatsoever. And I don't really know. I think I just got...

I think I just realised actually you're circling around it. And I was reviewing comedy for magazines and doing, you know, doing everything but doing comedy. And then I think it was one of those things where I think I'd so convinced myself that I couldn't do it. And I was too shy in any way, you know, women don't do it. don't and all of that and then yeah I just went actually fuck it this is what I really want to do so which of these photos are around that that time that you're referring to

like early on in your start so well there's one of me Robin Inns and Martin Big Big Pinkett's so that was the that was the picture that I started with when you yes so that's the poster there's also one of me standing at a urinal with various men they're not even in any audio didn't they all that's all I just like scrolling. Oh, so this one, who are you here with you're with Alan Carr? Is that Alan Carr?

That's not Alan Carr. No, it's not Alan Carr. It is. I think it's Patrick Ahern. Let me have a look. Yeah. That is Alan Carr. It doesn't matter if you get high pitched.

It's still not Alan Carr. It's not, but it does. I know what you mean. It might as well be. Let's say it is. I'm not sure. I don't think he'd start a comedy then. Actually, maybe that isn't Patrick.

That's Alan. Anyway, there's two men and Smug Roberts, who I do know. Did you have a gig with him? Yeah, once, but like a hundred years ago. Yeah. So, and that was us in the Frog and Bucket, which, again, you may. A classic version. Yes.

Yes, you do remember that one. And that's the toilets of the Frog and Bucket. So the Frog and Bucket was a terrible gig in a pub, sort of back in the very early stages of my career. And then it moved into a Yates's Wine Lodge around the corner and became the club that people of the Northwest will know and love today. With Dave Perkin, he was the guy who ran. who...

I think he still does, doesn't he? Does it? Yeah. I think his daughter's in charge now, isn't she? But yeah, he was really very, very funny. Like, I think he'd made all his money in car parks or something. And...

It looked, well. Natural progression into stand of comedy. And he bought this comedy club. And then, yeah, he'd sort of pick your act apart. And you know, when you're a young comedian and you just, like, anything anyone says to you, you go, oh, right, okay, yeah. Right. Maybe I should...

And like, now I look back and I go, why? I mean... bloke from with a background in car park. Yes, why did I? What do you mean? He shaped my comedy career. Really? He gave you specific notes.

Yeah, and Peter Kay and... But were they good notes or were they just like... Yeah, if they were good, I'll take anything. If someone wants to give me a note and it's a good note, I'll take it. Oh, I always love it. Yeah, no, I really... It's a bit lonely doing stand-up. If someone gives you any attention, you're like, oh, thank you!

And sometimes I'm really sort of staggered by the gap between my perception of what I've said or done and what an audience member makes a bit. Did you, when you saw... started doing stand-up have a one year, three-year, five-year plan. I don't even plan, you know, we've established. I don't even become a... They're rare creatures, aren't they? But I did.

But I had a sort of an attitude or an idea of what I wanted to be. Did you have a persona? I thought I did, and it was completely wrong. Oh, really? Yeah. Well, so bearing in mind, the context of the time was, everybody's thing was, oh, I hate female comedians, all they do is talk about periods and blah, blah, blah. So you just heard that constantly.

And so I was like, well, Right, okay, so I'm going to do an act that's not about being a woman, and it's just going to be like an act that a guy could do, and I'm going to be, and I look back and I go, what, fucking idiot? Because then it took me ages to go, well, no, but I am a woman. And, you know, that's interesting and that's valid, and that's something I can talk about. And I think, and some of the notes I did get, I remember one club owner

who was like, oh, you know, people don't like women being vulgar or, you know. People don't like women. Yeah, well, that's it. That's it. Yeah, there's the rough. I mean, you were a few years ahead of us, weren't you? I think you took the brunt of it. Yeah, you were kind of at the front of that.

It was easier in some, you know, in some ways there were fewer of us and all of that. But I think it's, yeah. You were pretty established by the time I started. Yeah, it was kind of, yeah, I don't know. I sort of looked back and I think, yeah, there was some great advice, some great support. Like the Manchester scene was like it, it was like being part of a really lovely little close-in- Was it? Was it?

It was a different thing? because I recently watched that Carolina Hearn documentary that's on the eye player. And it was interesting to see this, because there was a sort of north circuit in a south circuit. There maybe still is. I think this still is. And it was just, I just didn't do that north circuit. I mean, I played up there now and then. And how was that as a Southerner, as a girl from Groydon?

Oh, I mean, that was hard. Really? Yeah. Because I think, well, I just went on stage thinking, oh my God, they hate women. They hate southerners. There's nothing about me that they're going to like. You got up there. Well, the worst one was when I then went to Liverpool.

Oh, my God. Having, like, when I was in Manchester, I'd learn not to say, I'm from London. Hello. Greetings for London. Don't mention Manchester. Which is exactly the first thing I did. Oh, shit.

Oh, hi, I'm Lucy. I live in Manchester thinking that, well, that's in the north. You'll like that. How did that go? Like, I mean, I might as well have carried a picture of Margaret Thatcher and a copy of the sun. Oh, my. I think I was still banned. No, yeah, you know, I had some, yeah, I had some really terrible early gigs.

I think, you know, there was. Part of it, though, isn't it? Yeah, it was very tough. And then it started to get a little bit less tough. But I do think why did I persevere? What was the chinks of hope that made you go, I'm going to stick? Well, it really was the other people on the circuit. And it was, because it was, yeah, really hard.

And I mean, so skin. And I didn't really, because I was working a bit in TV productions. So I worked for Carolina Hearn on the Mrs. Merton show. Oh, Lucy, did you do? I was the sort of guest booker, researcher. How did you, so that straight after graduation you went, you worked in television? Yeah, well, I did loads of temping and stuff, but yeah, that was my first proper job was working in telly. And then I worked on Stars in the Rise and Richard and Judy.

Did you? Yeah, yeah. And all the, while gigging as well? Yeah, so I was. That's a full on day. It was knackering, so yeah, I would get, and also, because then quite a lot of gigs you did have to come down to London. So there was, you know, there was an Northworth circuit, but it was quite small. So I remember I used to get like a train down on a Friday night after work

and then I would gig all weekend and be drinking and purdying and carousing. And then I'd get the 655 train back from Houston on a Monday morning and then go in. And I didn't want to tell my bosses that I'd been away gigging all weekend because they could see it was starting to interfere with my work. So I used to hide all my stuff with the security guard and then come in pretending that I'd had and like make up these weekends. ends in Manchester that I'd had. What? Lucy, that's mad.

That is really full on. I was leading a double life. But you must have really wanted both? Yeah, I really did. Well, I really needed the money from the day job. And then I really, yeah, and I just loved doing the gigs. I mean, I had an appetite for it and a drive that I could. Yeah, you had the bug.

Do you remember that tour we did for Dove? Oh, Lucy! Don't bring that up because there's some PTSD attached to that. Oh, no, I know. I think we've all got to say. That was our norm. I don't even know if we can put this in the podcast. Oh my God.

I could dig out one of the photos. We'll put that on there as well. Oh, two in our matching outfits. Do you want to like, just give this a bit of context because you've said Doug, but I don't think anyone listening is going to understand. The thing is there was so few, like we've just named the three women's gigs. This is pre-funny women as well. So, and there was one put together by Dove, the soap brand, of female.

medians and it would me you Julia Morris yeah Arabella Weir Zoe Lyons Arabella Weir was the name she was the kind of like she was the draw yes and we were all circuit comics Zoe did a few there was a tiny bit of movement on the line-ups yes but you were the staple

we did you do all of them didn't we yeah I compared quite a lot yeah she's so glamorous yeah she's so glamorous and so funny brilliant love to yeah just she was hilarious and and brilliant And so beautiful, like she'd walk into the room and your eyes were immediately drawn to her. Like, she's so charismatic.

And on stage, so funny, I was completely in awe of Julian-M-M-S. And it was quite excited. I was very new when I got that. I kind of don't quite know why I was there. So I was, all of you were like proper comics. I was like, oh my God, they might in me. What did we compare? I think we compared quite a lot.

Oh, God, they let me compare. I'm pretty sure that you should. I don't even think I had 20. With your warm personality. Right. Shut up! I don't even think I had 20 when I got that. What year was it?

2002? 2003? 2003? I reckon it would have been about 2003, 2004. Yeah, I think that sounds about right. Okay. And they had a lovely, they'd sent this boy called Alex to look after us, and it was like some sort of reverse Benny Hill thing where we would all chase him around and be really,

because again, it was inappropriate time, so we would all be. And in fact, Julia, every time she saw him, sort of rub up against him and go, just squeezing by, darling. I don't remember him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, my God. It was lovely, lovely, posh, Alex, if you're listening. Hello.

There is a photo of me with Cannon and Ball, which... Yes, I love this. The thing that my dad really loved was meeting famous people. So that, I think, was the point where the day he met Joan Alumni was the day that, He forgave you for not being a doctor. Yes, exactly. I could say what I wanted. How are your parents always present when there's famous people around?

I mean, I don't think my mum met a single person when she was alive when I was like. I can't let my mum meet any famous people with your liability. I mean, like, don't speak. Don't shushush. Oh, well, my dad, like, because you would look over and see him he'd cornered. Where were you at these places that your dad was meeting Joanna Lumley? Well, like when I was working in TV production, that was to start with. But then I did do a show with Jimmy Tarba.

And he got... And these are like comedy gods. I don't... Lucy, you have had an insane career. I was on a show with Jimmy Bloody Tarbuck, who was amazing. And it was this really... It was like a sort of spoof newsroom. It was meant to be like a kind of drop the dead donkey but for sport.

And Simon Evans was in it and Kevin Day was in it and Joe Caulfield was in it. Oh, wow. I want to see this show. It was so awful. It was so bad. This is why you will never see that. Okay, fair enough. It just didn't work.

It was one of those things, the alchemy of, you know, sometimes things just don't work out. But my dad's met Jimmy Tarbuck and there came a point always where I'd have to look over and go, how long, I'd set the timer and go, how long is he, because, like, yeah, my dad was obsessed with comedians and scouses. So it was like a massive double whammy for him because he loved to talk about how, when he'd been, because he used to be a pharmaceutical rep. He went to a little bit of obsession. it makes Scalcers. But he really did. He was like properly, because he was Northern Irish, my dad.

And being Northern Irish in the 80s when I was growing up in London was a little bit fraught. So he would always say, if we meet anyone, tell them that I'm either a Scouser or Scottish. Sometimes he'd say, tell him I'm Scots. Because they wouldn't be able to pin down the accent.

Yeah, because he didn't want people knowing that. Sometimes the Northern Irish accent and people think is Scottish. And you're like, that is blatantly not a Scottish. Especially my dad was the most sort of Norn. Dine, there are nine. And so we'd be on holiday somewhere and they'd tell me where you're, where's your father from? And I'd be like Liverpool.

And then he's come over. And like, not even attempting to do a scouse accident at all and just sort of. And then everyone would be like, she thinks her dad's from Liverpool. There's another one here. I think it's it, Barry Cryer, I think I saw a picture of you with Barry Cryer. And, you know,

I think for younger people, I don't know if we got any young people listening to this podcast, but should they not know who Barry Cryer is? He is one of the most prolific joke writers. Sadly passed away now, but one of the most prolific joke writers, comedians, has been around for decades. And, you know,

has written for people that you probably like, I think he was one of the rights for Bob. Monkhouse, wasn't he? And wrote for Bob Hope. All the greats. And he is, and look, there is a picture of the two of you. I'm imagining it was for something to do with Radio 4. I might be wrong. No, you're wrong. It was in the Hatch End Wetherspoons. Right. I'm not off quite a while. Where I live now was very near where I used to live in a place called Hatch End, which is down the road from where I live now. And he used to be in Wetherspoons every day with his mates. And so, and my husband loves a Wether Spoon. So, yeah, I was just in there with him.

just having a point. You did work with him tons, though. Oh, it did, yeah, yeah, yeah. So you've done like, what, with him? Oh, my God, we did the worst ever thing together once, which was a national lottery spin-off show for some cable channel, presented by Nick Hancock, and it was, we had to, it was one of these things, yeah, because they did have comedians on it,

and I can't remember again at early 2000s, and it was just one of those things where Nick Hancock was lovely and very good, and, you know, but we had to sit there, and it was Euro-Lotter, So we had to sit and talk about European news stories or something. And I remember Barry and, you know, when the cameras were off us, just going, this is shit. God, this is awful. But you did, sorry, I haven't got a clue with him and stuff like that, did you? I tell you the main thing that I did with him was the slapstick festival in Bristol, which is one of my absolute favorite things.

Every year, end of January, beginning of February, they do a celebration of slapstick. So it originally started being just sort of early silent comedies and stuff. but it's now broadened out into general comedy stuff. And so it's like the best, you must come and do it because it is amazing. But it's total comedy geekery. Yeah, it is like properly comedy Anorak and I love it. You do have Anurac leanings. Oh, it's massively, yeah.

Are you good at a quiz? Oh, I love quizzing. She's a total quiz nut. If I... She's got a book out. Get interested in stuff. I do a podcast. Do a podcast about quizzing.

She's a quiz. buzzers. I should plug that. Yeah. No, I'm obsessed with frizzing. I'm not like very good. I bet you are. I bet you are, Lisa. You have to train, mate, to be properly good at it. I mean, I'm not. I have one celebrity mastermind champion of champions.

I'm just right. I knew it. I knew it, you're a brainiac. What's that other thing you've done that? You've done loads of house. How did you get on a house of games? Oh, I don't like to blow me on trumpet. You won. Not as well as Angela Barnes though, so, you know. I looked like I had a frontal on the bottom of me when I got on

those shows. I'm just like, why it's so thick on those shows. I get messages on social media going, what's up with you? Is Kerry all right? Yeah, it's Kerry all right. Send someone in. Get some smelling salts. Wake her up.

I just see they looking confused. Who are you on with the... Hal Cruttington once, he just didn't get word in. And then I did it another time with Hugh. What are the Hughes? Edwards. You've done it. You're going to say Hugh Grant and I'm pretty sure he is.

All the Hughes. All the Hughes. Yeah. But yes. Yeah, you've done loads of quizzes. Did you do you guys guys? I did. I came, actually, I came second.

So that's not too bad. But I was like, it gets. You have to be able to see this face. It brings out of me. Is that I am not proud of? I'm going to bank that. Ian Moore just wiped the floor with me

Oh wow He just seemed to know everything About everything And one point that Like I got asked Quite easy questions Like name four songs by Robbie Williams

And I went Angel And they went Yeah we've already had that one And I mean Those sort of things I thought I can't believe this is going out

On like television It is buzzers It's not like chatting and then remembering and then reminiscing and then, you know, it's the fucking I was really good at the buzzer. So I was really good at buzzing in. I was great buzzing in. So I buzzed in before the question had finished.

Because what I realised was is by the time the buzzer comes out, the question is finished, then I can figure out if I know the answer. Oh, no. Turns out I don't know the answer. No. But I got really got told off. I got told off. Yeah.

And Richard is the loveliest man in the universe just gently tells you off and goes, don't bud if you don't know the answer you're like sorry Richard I got told off by a floor manager could you stop buzzing if you don't know the answer oh that's my strategy fucked yeah because you don't get points taken off for buzzing right

so by the time I figured out the answer someone else's like someone else's like so neurotic by the end that I was like my buzz is broken my buzz is broken these ones of you looking incredible so that was a photo shoot for Tatler magazine Ooh.

Hello. I know. They did a sort of comedian special with like Miles Jupp and Al Murray and those people. Anyway, so I, that was around the corner from where I used to live in Hoeburn at the Fry's Delight or something. And it took about, I'd say seven or eight hours to take this photo. I'd never really appreciated models before.

I'd always thought it's a bit of a doss. But it was such a painful day. was pregnant. I hadn't told anyone but I was pregnant there. So that was the last time I could have got into a Vivian Westwood corset. That's a wonderful corset as well. It's gorgeous. It's the item of clothing that I would love to own more than anything else well. But I was so dizzy and tired and I had to stand holding a fishing net over the friars in this chip shop. And they were on. So basically I had boiling fat fumes and I was in the first trimester of pregnancy feeling nauseous.

That's the horriblest thing that the first trimester is actually when you feel the worst and you haven't told anyone. Yes, exactly. You've got a soldier through it. And we went up to Justin was filming in Glasgow and I remember being sick in a bin in Glasgow with like, you know, people cheering me on. It wasn't the first time you've been sick in a bin. No, it really wasn't. And it nowhere attracted attention. We all took the different reasons than the previous times.

But yeah, so that was a nice photo to look back again. It's nice to have those. At the time, you're like, God, this is an absolute ball lake. But as we get older, it's really nice to look back at photos of ourselves and go,

oh, that's actually, blood, bloody, yes. I'm pretty hot. Thank you very much. Hit pause on whatever you're listening to and hit play on your next adventure. This fall get double points

on every qualified stay. Life's the trip. Make the most of it at Best Western. Visit bestwestern.com for complete terms conditions. Thank you so much for doing this. I mean, I've got no idea which pictures. I think you've healed me.

I think we'll come. You've kind of genuinely made me feel a bit better. I think I'm so hung up on. You've got so much to be proud of. You have to celebrate it. Absolutely. And before you go, can I ask if people want to listen to your podcast, what's the name of your podcast?

Yes, it's got fingers on buzzers. Fingers on buzzers. There she goes again. Not for Kerry. That's very much not for her. My buzzers broken. Who did you do that with? with the lovely Jenny Ryan,

aka The Fixer. Fantastic. And your next tour, if people want to buy tickets, it's probably not available yet. Yeah, they are there. I think it's on sale. I have just approved the poster design. Last but not least your book.

And the book is a Fingers on Buzzers quiz book. So again, not for Kerry Godleyman. I do. I like doing quizzes with my family. Yes. Lucy Porter, thank you so much for being a guest on me. dream and a joy and I'm sorry for sending you all those photos. Don't do it again.

I won't. You can get childcare, can't you? Yes, I can, but I need it from 4pm until midnight. I remember pouncing on a teenager once. She walked past the house and I thought she looks nice. And I jumped out and went, hello, do you do babysitting? She became one of our favourite babysitters. Wait?

Yeah. I can't trust my... I can't trust. I can't just step out of my house and grab hold of a teenager. Why not? Why not? I think we're very, I think we've all become too cautious about these things. Takes a village, babe.

Takes a village to raise a child. I was like, there are local teenagers here that need the money. Wow, that's so random. You can tell if someone's, you know, nice. Yeah, she was just a nice teenager, a nice girl. I've seen her walk past a load, so I knew she lived on her street. It's good to know. Well, if they can walk on two legs, they're usually all right.

She looks on out. Well, what on earth else is she going to be? She ended up being a really lovely, reliable babysitter. Just before COVID, we were thinking about getting an Opaire. That was something we were mooting. And then COVID happened. But I quite liked the idea of a young, I don't know, Spanish. What, in your house?

Well, if you've got enough room, if you've got a spare room, you've got room. You could stick them in that annex. No, no, no. No, that annex is for me. me. I'm in the annex now. That's where I am. Look, Opaire sounds great in theory, but I just can't cope with another person living in the house. Yeah, fair enough. But what if it was a really lovely person?

Then your kids could be speaking Spanish. You could all be bilingual. It would just be like one big commune, wouldn't it? Yeah, it could be. Or they could be really fucking annoying. Yeah, but if they are, you get rid of them. I know but then that just seems I mean look there's there's swings and there's roundabouts here

and I can see I can see how both of these things could work really well not having them great because they're not here What children? Not having children No the opair

I love not having another person in the house Imagine being in the house And there's just a rando in there What am I going to talk to them about Hello how's your day Oh I know how you day What's you've been here all day Wow

You really do lean into misanthropy sometimes in quite a quite i i feel like i'm i've led my cards out on the table really early on and and you're constantly surprised by the same cards being dealt here's the thing i don't really like people no i've really put up on that that's the general rule so as a rule i don't i probably won't like you and here's the other thing when i'm at home what i love about being at home is i'm not near anyone i don't know i don't like Like, no,

but what if I've invited that person into my home? And then, as a result, I find out they're just really annoying. No,

I can see the need of caution. It could flip the other way and it all is like the Walton's and we bond and then later when they leave we stay in touch and they get married and we go to their wedding

meet their children. I mean, this is all, this could all happen. It happens. for people. People have those lives. I know they do. I've seen it. But I suspect that what happened for me. It's not that I don't want it. I don't want to go to the, I don't want to go to the casino and gamble that.

I don't want to put all my, I don't even put everything on black and it turns out red. I think we're getting into therapy mode now because I, you know, this is the, this is the core of existence, isn't it? It's literally, it's, that is life. You could say that about literally getting up. and out the door. I could, absolutely, but I tell you what the result wouldn't be, that that fucking person is still in my kitchen when I wake up in the morning when I come to tea in peace and quiet. That's the difference, isn't it? I think we

people need people, babe. People need people. You can't isolate yourself. Yeah, do you feel, do I feel isolated? I've got two nine-year-olds and my partner running around the house all day. When they're not here, who fucking right? I know, but sometimes you need to offset the people that are really close to you with other people. You offset. You do all the offsetting,

and I will vicariously offset through your offset. I'm offsetting by having kids. I've offsetted everything. I'm so upset about it. You gambled. I don't want to talk about it. What about having a child and then them not being particularly your cup of tea? That's a huge gamble when you took it.

Yeah, but sometimes they're not my cup of tea. Sometimes they're really fucking annoying. I don't know if you saw my last Instagram post, but that took up. Oh, they were. Those pictures. Not a single Mother's Day. card for myself. That's on Chloe though. I mean my kids wouldn't have bothered if Ben hadn't pushed them. That's on your partner. Did you get them to do it for Chloe? We said to them

because we knew they hadn't made us a card and we said tomorrow morning you could get up early and you could make mommy and mummer a card couldn't you? And they went yeah. Anyway they got up early. I did those pictures. They did not make us a fucking card. No. No those pictures came later. Those pictures came later. They were... What were they? The joy. The joy that it brought my children it was... And Chloe

actually, to be fair, the joy that it brought the family. They were. Well, there we are. There's something to celebrate. Yeah, they all came together. They unified under three pictures where they just went. At one point, Chloe couldn't speak. I thought, I don't think your pelvic floor is strong enough to handle this picture. We can't have this amount of meth. Your pelvic floor is not.

up to it. Yeah. One of them fell off the chair. He was laughing so hard. This is lovely. Yeah. And I was like, what are you looking at? By this point I still hadn't seen the picture by the way. They were still laughing. Then they showed my brother. He burst out laughing. He went, oh my God. I went, sorry, can I just

let me into this picture please? And then finally the picture was revealed. And I was like, oh my God. It's a bad. It's bad. Well, yeah, because it's been distorted. Isn't it? Yes, it has been distorted. It has, it has.

But wow. Wow. It's quite special, isn't it? It was quite special. I like the fact that one of my eyes didn't look like it had detached from my head. I think it's made all the more brilliant by it being on Mother's Day. I mean, the whole internet is full of people with pictures of their mum and flowers and, mum, you're the greatest mum, love mum's mum.

It's a mum fest. I love you. Yeah. Yeah. And then you came on with your kids negging you visually in photographic form. For about 40 minutes, I need to say that this went out. Because they kept looking for new photos to distort, which obviously, if you scroll through,

you'll see the other pictures that come up. And in each one, you'd think there'd be diminishing returns. Oh, like, that's not as funny because obviously the first one was hilarious. No, no, no doubt. In fact, if anything, hysteria, it was the gift that kept giving. And, like, if anything, gave more. And it's fine. You're all right with it.

Because you don't like over-sentimentality anyway, do you? No, no, no. I don't. I mean, I do a bit with my kids, actually. You would have quite liked. You would have quite liked. But I would have quite, you're the best mum card. I would have.

I mean, or at least second best, you know, give the best to Chloe and then second best to me. Is it a competitive mum situation? No. No. I don't think it would be if I was in a two-mum-situ. Oh, it's definitely is with Chloe. She's like,

I better get the better card than you. Yeah, no fair. I think I'd be like that. I was like, well, you did. I can't really argue with that. She, two twins. She carried, gave birth.

It's like, yeah, you win. I always say that to the kids. It's like, there's no, she wins. It's yours. Yeah, that's fine. Yeah, fair enough. I won in other ways. Like not having to do it.

For me, it was the big win. I'm Max Rushden I'm David O'Darney And we'd like to invite you to listen to our new podcast What Did You Do Yesterday It's a show that asks guests The Big Question Quite literally

What Did You Do Yesterday That's it That is it Max, I'm still not sure Where do we put the stress Is it what did you do yesterday What did you do yesterday? You know what did you do yesterday?

I'm really down playing it Like what did you do yesterday Like I'm just a guy Just asking a question But do you think I should go bigger? What did you do yesterday? What did you do yesterday? Every single word this time I'm going to try and make it like it is the killer word. What did you do yesterday?

I think that's too much, isn't it? That is. That's over the top. What did you do yesterday? Available wherever you get your podcasts every Sunday.