Memory Lane with Kerry Godliman and Jen Brister - S03 E12: Chloe Petts

Episode Date: April 3, 2024

"Obviously I was disappointed to let a goal in because... Who's getting past that?!" This week we have the brilliant, funny and wonderful human Chloe Petts on the show! Amongst other things, Chloe is a big fan of Ben's, was a brilliant footballer and is a wonderful stand-up and is a MASSIVE Palace fan. Photo 01 - Me playing football (conceding a goal) Photo 02 - School days / our AGM Photo 03 - Graduating Photo 04 - Sam's Wedding Photo 05 - Edinburgh Photo 06 - Celebrating at Crystal Palace PICS & MORE - https://www.instagram.com/memory_lane_podcast/ A Dot Dot Dot Production produced by Joel Porter Hosted by Jen Brister & Kerry Godliman Distributed by Keep It Light Media Sales and advertising enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Now streaming on Paramount Plus is the epic return of Mayor of Kingstown. Warden? You know who I am. Starring Academy Award nominee Jeremy Renner. I swear in these walls. Emmy Award winner E.D. Falco. You're an ex-con who ran this place for years. And now, now you can't do that. And BAFTA award winner Lenny James.

You're about to have a plague of outsiders descend on your town. Let me tell you this. It's got to be consequences. Mayor of Kingstown, new season now streaming on Paramount Plus. Hello and welcome to Memory Lane. I'm Jen Bristair and I'm Kerry Godleyman. Each week we'll be taking a trip down Memory Lane with our very special guest as they bring in four photos from their lives to talk about. To check out the photos we'd be having a natter with them about, they're on the episode image and you can also see them a little bit more clearly on our Instagram page. So have a little look at Memory Lane podcast. Come on, we can all be nosy together.

I'll tell you what I had the other day. Shrimp and grits. I said you've got to have it, you know, you're in New Orleans. Have you had grits? Oh, it's disgusting. Grits are disgusting. What is grits? Well, no one had explained it to me properly prior to me ordering it and I thought I'd do it when in Rome.

Grits. Did not. I had prawns and porridge. That's the best description I can give you to what I had. Shrimps and grits was prawns and porridge. Yeah, that sounds about right. Nobody likes grits. And in fact, I don't understand this, this obsession with grits.

Listen, babe, I'll tell you this right now. People do like grits here. So you just made a very broad statement, nobody likes grits. I can assure you that they very much do. I'm saying when a British person goes over and they have grits, it's always like, but what are these and why are we eating them? What are they? And they're like, oh, don't you like grids?

That's the American accent, by the way. Oh, that was good. And I have to say to them, what? What is it though? What is grits? I don't know. I feel like it's something that's come out of a hamster's bum and has been sort of mixed with.

They've added milk to it. or water and then they've put some prawns on top. So hamster droppings with milk. That's how you're selling it or water. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And then put a prawn on it.

Put a prawn on it. Well, for you. You all said prawns on it. Mine didn't. But I wouldn't put a prawn on porridge or on grits. It's so gross, babe. I tell you what I've been eating a lot of, breakfast burritos. Oh, oh, breakfast burrito.

Oh, oh. Breakfast, burrito. Yeah, burrito. So I've been eating that. I haven't gone in large on the old gumbo and all that, jambalaya. I haven't. Any Creole food, anything? Anything Creole?

I must be. I'm embarrassed to confess, not much, no. Look, you don't have to do everything all at once. I'm sorry, right. But when I'm leaving soon, I've been here a month and I'm going on Friday. I can't believe you've been there a month. It's wild to me. Yeah, it's gone so quick.

It's really flubrish. actually. It's really gone quick and I've done a lot of what else have I done? I've done a lot of I've been to galleries I've saw a lot of art I've been, I've been, this is apart from obviously working, I have been working too and I've been watching music

I went to a parade I went to a thing called Super Sunday last week and saw the Mardi Gras Indians yes it was shunted from the previous Sunday because it's normally meant to be on St Joseph's day but the weather is mad the weather is mad Talk to me

Well one day Hot sunny Get your sandals out babe Next day Hurricane Storms Hurricane Rain

They say They say the weather's spinning today And that means spinning Wind Wow have you seen a tornado No I haven't No I haven't But there has been some like really extreme

Like proper like torrential rain storms And then humid and muggy So not like our rain Well you're in the south It's gonna be I'm in a swamp Have you been out of on the Mississippi?

No, I haven't. I haven't been out on the Mississippi. You're on the Mississippi River? I know, I walked by it, but I haven't been on a boat on it. You've got to get on it. Do you know what? I've got that mild sense of panic now

where I'm like, oh my God, I've got to do everything. I'm running out of time. And then when I'm like that, I just think, calm down, just read your book. Don't, don't overthink it. I went for a really lovely walk yesterday.

I walked all round. I went past the French Quarter and then went further beyond into another region beginning with M. This is what's happening to me. me, Gem, words just slip out of my head. Marinate. Marinate. Marinate.

No, that's Marinate. No, that's not right, is it? Marina quarter. No, the map. It's called the marine. Maronnet quarter. Well, it is French from there. So marinezine as in Moorne.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That area. Oh, it's lovely. And the housing, me and Nina got a trolley tram, trolley car thing the other day, all the way up to the garden district and saw amazing houses and they're all meant to be haunted

that's what I should have done I didn't do a ghost tour I didn't do a ghost tour gotta do a ghost tour yeah that would be on top of my list I know but there's loads of them and you can tell that there's varying degrees of like I want a top end

anyone in the know there's got to be someone in the know on the set I know you're right well there's a woman in hair and makeup and she's obsessed with ghost she's like do you want to see a nun do you want to see a ghost of a nun I'm like yeah sure

so she's showing me this photo and it's a nun. I mean, is it a nun? Is it a nun? Is it, though? I would say it could be a blob of light, but it could be a nun. It could be a shadow. It could be a nun.

That comes up a lot, though, doesn't it, with nuns? Are they real, even? Do they even exist? Even the living ones? Yeah. But people love a ghost here. They're like, ghost mad. I want to go to New Orleans.

Now I've got to go. I know, but I went a long time ago. I was only there for a few days. I wasn't there for a month. I know. A month has been amazing. When you're somewhere for a long time, you can be almost blasé about it and be like, I sort of kind of live here. I kind of live here.

And then suddenly at the end, panicking and thinking, shit, shit, I haven't done a ghost tour. Sort of like tearing around trying to look at alligators. What are the chances of you coming back to the audience? Don't say that. We could come back. The ghost tour. We'll come back.

I'll bring you. We can come and hang out and do a ghost tour. Look at nuns. Okay, I'm in, let's do that. I mean, I feel like my, I'm just trying to look back. I did spend a night in a spa. Oh, that does sound nice. What, do you have treatments?

Do you have treatments? That's the word now, isn't it? Treatments. You don't go, oh, I got some, I got a massage. You have treatments. No, I didn't get a treatment. There's some regret there. But I was paying for myself.

Just hang back a minute and let me give you the whole full story. Because I can feel the aggression rising already. I booked a hotel. And the spa and dinner for myself and a friend. It's her 50th. This is my treat for her. Took her away. Cost me a Laura Laura money.

And then I thought, do we need treatments on top? Well, when you spend that amount, I'm here. That's an extra 200 quid. That's when they get you. They're like, where you're here now. You might as well have a treatment. Otherwise, you really are just sitting in a dressing gown by a pool. You could have done that down the local leisure centre.

Well, you've really put, as always, really elevated my experience. with your input. It wasn't just sitting, I mean it was, ostensibly that is what we were doing. You could have just taken your own dressing down the down the beach. I tell you what,

who thinks that these slippers that are canvas are a good idea to take near any kind of water? Well, you need to send a strongly worded email to somebody. Get that out of the system. Well, I really fed back to the receptionist. I went, what are these about? These aren't doing anything, are they?

These are a trip hazard, baby. Sudden. They are a trip hazard. These are a varroca invitation, that's what they are. No, because you get a new one. You're not old. Once you slept about in them and got them all wet and moved around the space. Is that how you get a veruca?

I don't know. I don't know how you get verruca's. Claggy, claggy. Claggy. Claggy feet. You're thinking of athletes' foot. Oh, yeah, that one, yeah. You're thinking of something very different.

I didn't get trench foot in the very brief time I was wearing the slippers. I want to make that quite clear. No. That was my highlight since I last saw you. that and the rest of the time it's been torrential raising in the UK. Yes. The weather has been horrific.

I literally am now I'm practically in the fetal position begging for the sun. We had one day of sunshine people lost their minds. It was like everybody was on the best class days of their life. People walking up the houses singing the hills are alive. I was like calm down. It can't last. It didn't. So I remained as always at an even keel

i.e. just fairly depressed. Right. And so then my expectations are when the next day, when I pulled open the curtains and it was grey and raining, I was like, yeah, what did you expect? All this upbeat yesterday. Couldn't last. Listen, who are we talking to today, genuinely,

because I do have to go soon. Today we are talking to the brilliant Chloe Pets. I love this. I want to be her friend. I want to hang out with her. I want to go super. We're not cool enough. I'm so sorry.

You're going to have to like, I'm sorry. What? I'm sorry. She said, she said, let's go to the football together. She said it. Kind. Yeah.

She said it. It was on mic. I know, but it did it in that sort of. I know, but it did it in that sort of. I said, oh, I'd love to go to see Crystal Palace. And she went, I'll take you. And I'll take you. She said it.

Yeah. She said, she did say it. Yeah. You did invite. Listen back and see what the tone is. Anyway, we had a lovely time talking to Chloe. If you might have seen her life, she's supported Ed Gamble on tour. You can also catch her on Hannah Gadsby's Gender Agenda on Netflix,

which comes out on the 5th of March. And she's very, very funny. And this was a very, ever-friendly track. She's my friend. She's not your friend, Kerry. Let it go. Ben said hi, by the way. My husband, Ben. Oh, my God, he's so nice. What's the connection?

Well, the connection is, because he said, before we came in, I said I was doing this today, and he went, anyone I know. And I don't think you know any of them. And I went, no, you do. You know Chloe. because Chloe used to work at the rookery cafe and Ben used to come in straight in common

and he just knew you from dog walking and chatting or whatever and Chloe would be like oh I'm a stand-up and he'd go oh my wife's just stand up and then they just talk no yeah I was honestly I'm going to say in my top five customers and by it loves Ben everyone loves Ben he was like joint first I wouldn't want to put him out and out first

because that would be offensive to my other couple who I loved. There were a couple of other golden customers. There was a lovely Whippet that used to come around. Oh, it was a lovely wippe.

That wippet was top five. That whipet was top. Was above Ben, come on. Oh, okay. He's the nicest man. But you can't be a lovely dog, can you? You can't beat a lovely,

no, there's some lovely dogs up there. Really nice dogs. It's a nice cafe that. Really nice cafe. I bet it was nice to work there. It was all right, but then I feel like

when you work in a cafe, it sort of gets to that point where... This isn't what I want. Well, it's not even that it's not, What you want is you're getting angry about the orange juice order. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. I'm getting pissed off about the orange juice order.

Ben always says to me that I can't imagine anything less fitting than my personality with a badge saying happy to serve. Because I am not happy to serve. And I've got a lot of feedback with people's orders. I've got to say. You shouldn't be front-facing anything. I am not made for the service industry. In the kitchen, you should be making like the baking sandwiches, you know, just in the back, screaming, shouting,

someone comes in and goes, can I have an awoke, fuck off! They go back out again. Yeah, I'm back office. Yeah, but I think you bring good morale to the kitchen. Yes, exactly. Do you think that's good morale? Yeah.

If someone shout at a customer, fuck off because they ordered a bacon sandwich and I worked in a kitchen, that would bring me good morale. Absolutely. I do know that feeling, though, when you've had enough of a job and you're like, I've got to go.

It's more when like, there's the people that have been working in the cafe for years and years and years. Yeah. And like all of the drama around Streatham, all of the drama around, have we got enough orange juice? All of the drama around, the manager said, this manager said that. I was like, I never want to get drawn into it and care about it.

But when I was working in the cafe, and it was COVID and it was all I had. And that was right by that testing centre as well, wasn't it? Right by the testing centre. So people would go and have their COVID tests, and then they come around coughing and spluttering in up to our face after for a coffee. with their like COVID test little... Waving it in the end. Waving it in the end.

Piss off. Yeah, that's a bit much. I don't know. Get your COVID just so you can have a coffee. But anyway, that's when I was doing it, 2019, 2020 and I would always be happy when Ben came in because we'd always have a lovely chat. I was always jealous of anyone that had like a job during that time.

You know when people went, oh, I've started working for Tesco and I'm doing delivery driver. I'd be like, oh, your job was homeschooling your children. Oh my God, was that a job? Was it a job? Fucking hell. If that is a euphemism, also for a turd.

Yes, it was. Is this you playing? Yeah, can you see it as me? Sotcher? Is that you? Yeah, the tall one. You look like you are not fucking about. You are serious.

You also, Chloe, look like you're about four years older. Yeah. Are you? No, I'm not. That was the same age as those two little girls. Oh my God. They look. I'm double their higher.

You look like you should be in secondary school and this lot, they're like year three, aren't they? What's going on? No, so I was probably, that probably was about year three. Okay. Because we started playing football. I remember it so well. I used to play football with my brother.

So I remember the day my dad put me in full football kit to take my brother to his first football training session. And I was like stood on the sidelines and I was buzzing. And then the manager was like, oh, Chloe can come and join the boys. And then I just started training with the boys all the time and it was fantastic. I loved it. How old were you? Oh, like four or five. Oh, you're kidding.

You were really young men. So small. Before we went into the girls' league, we'd all been playing together for two years. When we went into the girls league, we fucked those girls up. We won everything. It was...

And that's why I looked so stern in that picture because we just conceded a goal. Oh, and that didn't happen. And it was on my watch because, look, You, genuinely. She looks happy. Yeah, fuck her.

I remember that. Yes, well, of course she scored. Look how happy she looks. And she... You look livid. Obviously I was pissed off we let a goal in

because who's getting past that? Year three. I'm a monster child. So were you in goal? No, no, no. You're a defender? Why don't you guys know? You've not interpolated

any information from this picture at all. You didn't know it was me initially. I didn't know. I did. No, look. I can see. see she's running away from the goal because she's just scored.

Yeah, so she's in a different colour shirt to me. So both of us are in the same shirt. Yeah. And then that's the goalie there in a different shirt just behind her. Okay. I think it was Donna Arnold. Who took this picture?

So you're pissed off with Donna? No, I'm not pissed off with Donna because Donna had dyspraxia and that's why we put her in goal because she'd fall over anyway so we just hope that sometimes she'd do it at the right time. Oh, Donna.

Yeah, Donna. Did she sometimes do it at the right time? Yeah, Donna was good. Yeah, good. Oh, doing on you, Donna. Seeing some kids get into football to catch the bug. Yeah. And I've witnessed it with like my kids' peers or whatever.

I'm like some just fucking got it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They want it. They love it. They go to games. They want to play. And then my kids, me, look at Ben. We do not have it.

I don't even know what to shout. Well, we enjoy it when the World Cup's on or whatever. But I don't have a, I mean, I go and see Palace now and then because we live down the road. But it isn't like. in my bones and I can see that it is in yours. And I think it's like, it's like, you know, if I, we went on holiday to Crete, like me and 12 friends or something last year, and they were all, oh, should we go to Connoisseurs and see the ancient ruins?

And I was like, there's a table tennis table here. We're on that. Eight hours a day. Because, I don't know, it's just a sport nut. Yeah, I'm just like, if there's something to do. If there's something to hit, I'm hitting it. But yeah, and I do think. some people are born with that thing of like, you know, if you see if there's a dart and a

dart's, like, you just want to, and then it's, and then it's, if I miss, I'm like, well, I've got to keep doing that until I get it, you know? Yeah, yeah. How long did you play football for? Was it something that you can, well, no. Actually, it's an interesting question to ask because I played till I was about 16 and I played to a decent level. I played for Charlton's Academy.

Oh, wow. But I was a goalkeeper. I converted into a goalkeeper, so maybe that's what you were sensing from the picture. I sense that you could take up space. Absolutely. And also, huge.

And also, you have to, you can't be, like, fearful. You give me the vibes that you, like someone's kicking a ball at your face, you're going to run towards it. Yeah, absolutely. If someone's kicking a ball in my face, I'm going to run in the opposite direction.

Absolutely. I'm Kez. I'm swinging off that goalposts and sort of. Do you want to do football? Do you want to do maths? Matt's. And I fucking ate maths. And I fucking ate maths.

So did you have dreams to do it? Yeah, I did. Well, it's so bizarre because I hated it. What? I got to the point where I hated it. What? Where when I started playing Charlton, we played on a Saturday morning and I'd get sick every Friday evening because I didn't want to do it so much.

A friend of my family's groundsman at Charlton. Really? Anyway. He probably cleared up my sick. No. It just was too, it was becoming too grueling. Yeah, too much. It was too much.

In what way? Physically, emotionally, all of it? Emotionally, yeah, I just couldn't hack it. I was so nervous and I put a lot of pressure on myself as a kid. I was quite an anxious kid and teenager. And I felt like there was pressure coming from all of them. To win and to perform. Yeah, but there probably wasn't like I think it was coming from internally.

But it just seemed like the world would end if I made a mistake. You see, that's unfortunate because you think I'm, well, the reason I'm jealous of people that have that passion and drive for football, is it somewhere to get rid of all that shit? Yeah. The fear of people shouting, fucking no! Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, dad's shouting at you. And that's why, when I go back to play now, I find it really difficult because if I make a mistake, even if it's the lowest stakes it could possibly be, even if you're playing against, like, I don't know,

like Liam Williams and Tessa Coats in comedians football, if I make a mistake, I'm like, the dad's going to shout, the dad's going to shout. Really? It just takes you back there. It takes me back there. So was that, like, just common for like,

just grown men to shout at children. Still is. I've got parent mates that are like, I can't bear it. I can't bear the things the dad shout. They should be loud. They should be like, you're sent off. I mean, he is off, but red card. What can you do? Move, you little cunt.

Fuck it. The ref's a cat! You're like, well, they're six. You've got to dial it down. You better rain that in me. It does bring out. I can't believe they still do it though. I thought we'd have moved on from that by now.

And also, like, how higher are there states when it's a bunch of, like, children kicking a ball about? I mean, relax. So you didn't play after 16, you just knocked it on the head? Notting on the head. Started getting arty. Artie? Like, what kind of art? Like, I played in a band.

What do you play? Bass. That's why you and Ben Bond. He's the best player. I can totally imagine you on the bass. You've got that kind of vibe. What, talentless. Don't say that.

Ben's very passionate about bass. Can play anything else. You can't say anything like that. about base. Okay. Not to Kerry, because she'll feed it back to Ben. Don't feed it back to Ben.

We can't ruin up. No, don't say that. Why would you do that? Ben is really passionate about base. That's annoying. What? You're a muffler. You don't hear it?

Oh, I don't even notice it. I usually drown it out with the radio. How's this? Oh, yeah. Way better. Save on insurance by switching to Bell Air Direct and use the money to fix your car. Bell Air Direct, Insurance, simplified.

Conditions apply. Is there a photo around this time in your life? You're sort of like band days. Yeah, actually. Maybe just a little bit before. Okay, so let's... Show me... Let me go.

Oh, it's really funny watching you to look at your pics. With our old lady glasses. No, with your... Very focal. You need your very focus. It's a miracle we haven't both got our journey on. You're too hip and trendy to have got your very focals just yet, but you are on the edge of need of them.

Oh, these are very focals, based. Heres are very focal. Oh, are they? I'm literally six months away. Oh no, mine aren't very focals. Mine are reading glasses. But I do need verries. No, these are my verries.

But I still can't quite. The trouble is with varies. You've got like, it takes a while to get used to them because they're like funny at the top. Is it very? I call them very focals. I know, but I'm shorned it. I'm frantically very much. They're very focal.

Oh, they're very. Don't. Do you ever realise that you're saying something? You don't pick up with everything that I say. Hang on. I'm just curious, is it vary or very? It's not very, it's very. Why did you think it was?

I thought it was very. You thought it was very, as in V-E-R-Y? Yeah, you've got very-phalicals. Yeah, they're like emphatically focal. Do you not think it was very, very, variety of focus? No, I thought it was very, very focal. When does this happen?

Oh my God. What age did this happen? Always. Always, I've told you a few things. I thought ends meat was two types of meat. I've always thought when people said, we didn't have enough to make ends meet. I was like, oh no, meat.

They didn't eat meat. It's not like two ends meet. There's loads of things where I suddenly realised. I'm telling me, oh, it's my mum. My mum got things. It's malapropping. It's always been. I don't know when it starts, but it's very much started.

I know what happens. It's never going to end. So is the next, is this the picture? I love this hat. Yeah, it's good in it. That's a strong look. I'm not in costume there. No, I don't think you are.

Yeah, but there is someone dressed as a clown. Who are all these girls? Who are this? Right. Do you want me to go for him? Can I have a look? Should I get them out on my effort? Oh no, thanks.

You don't need glasses, so it's fine. Right, from left to right. Yeah, clown. Hannah Filey Hills. Excellent. You've got middle names as well. Brilliant. Or is that a hyphen?

Highfin. It's a hyphen. It's a hyphen. Hannah, it's still one of my best friends to this day. And I think the person, it's difficult to know who the person is that we're all hugging and covering. It could be our friend Lizzie or it could be our friend Polly. You never know. Are they quite similar?

They're both little. Lizzie would be more likely to be here at this meeting. This is a meeting? Yes. This is a meeting. This is our AGM. Who's taking the minutes? Who's going to be the clown this year?

Hannah came as a clown. Sammy Chamberlain came as a fairy. And then you've got... Who's taking you in the minutes? Whoever's underneath us is in it. We've created a little cave for it to take them. minutes in there. So, and then next, Rachel Fulger, fantastic

person was in the band with her. She played drums. What was your band called? The Holy Trinity Church Band. The Holy Trinity Church Band. What, ironically. No, it was a church band. It was a church band. Oh, it was a church band. If that had been ironic.

Oh, my God. You know, that would have been good. That is it Catholic? No, no, no. Church of England. I got lucky with Church of England where I went to Church of England. They give you all of the shit while you're there, but they don't give you any of the hangovers like the Catholics do. So I'm like, as soon as I walked, I was like, I'm done with that.

Molly Fisher. Molly Fisher? She sounds like she could have been in an 80s. Murder mystery? No. You're thinking of Twin Peaks, aren't you? No, I'm not really. What was she called?

Molly Fisher. Her name was, oh, Bobby Fisher, isn't that the chess player? Yeah, that is from Twin Peaks. I'm not mad. Isn't there a chess player? I was thinking of Molly Ringgold. That's what I was thinking. It's like Molly's visited done in a care home.

Right, go on. So these are old schoolmates? Yeah, and then Sammy Chamberlain on the right, Who's the Ferry? And these are like friends from school, college, what sort of chapter of life? So this, we would probably have been about 14, 13 or 14. Again, you look like you're 25. Yeah, because, like, Hannah clearly hasn't reached puberty there.

So it was like, it was at that age where, like, we were all at different levels of puberty. When I was 13, but you were still mates? I was, like, tiny and had no tits and no hips. And, like, everyone just looked older. than me when I was 13. And you look like, how tall are you? I'm six foot. So were you about six foot about that age?

Or did you, do you have a couple more inches to go? Probably a couple more inches to go. So like five, ten? Maybe I was, well, the others, it's funny because I look about 15, don't I? But they all look about 12. So I don't know what's going on there. Apart from the fairy. Do you think I was kept back a couple of years?

And you didn't know. That's what my parents didn't tell me. My parents didn't tell me. This is where. We do tell you that. Your parents have been in church. Surprise. Do you want me to tell you something?

So at my school, I think I got away with it. I think I got to go to one of the nicest schools ever. Yeah. Because it felt like it was just right. Not too big, not too small. Was it churchy? No, it wasn't churchy. Not too posh, not too rough.

And what it was is I think we were quite self-policing. There was like a moral code. So there were girls that got bullied, I do think. Yeah. But did it, girls school? Girl school. Okay. Never went too far.

So there was a group of girls called themselves Da Rebels. Da Rebels. The, with a D, rebels with a Z. Oh dear. Okay, and they were the coolest girls. Were they? Oh, they were. Rebels with a Z?

Yeah. At that time, that's cool. At that time. Dar rebels. Yeah, okay. Liquid eyeliner, dream up moose. What did you lot make a Muce? Dream up Moose.

We let them be. Right? You just didn't cross it. Did cross paths? Didn't cross paths. Okay, so one day, this girl, I'm not going to name her name. She said something so mean to a girl, one of the Derebels, one of the girls that got bullied a bit, she said, and this is really bad, she said, you're as ugly on the inside as you are on the outside. It's awful.

And all of Dara rebels, who were sort of bullies, looked at this girl and said, you've gone too far, that's too much, and they didn't speak to her for three days. Oh, wow. So they sort of self-policing? Yeah, so they were like, they were like, I know Emma's a bit of a nerd, I know that, you don't say that, that's horrible. Bloody hell people said some vile things. Awful things. I tell you what, no one was self-policing at our school. They were just saying horrible things and then let them hang in the air and stuff about you, sit with you.

Stuff about everyone. She was a bit so. Wow. So it sounds like you had a really good, nice school time. Yeah. A bunch of mates. And also, because it's hard, it's so hard being a teenager. It's so hard being a teenager, particularly when you are,

maybe you don't feel like you fit in, or maybe you don't feel like you're part of the cool gang, part of Da Rebels or whatever, that you've got your own gang and you've got your own people. And you're in a band playing. What sort of music? Christian rock music. Okay, Christian rock music.

Whoa. Wow. What sort of... How do you feel about that now? I think it's so funny. What sort of music is Christian rock music? I don't. I'm not, I'm genuinely not taking the piece.

I don't know what that is. Well, for us it was like, um, at the time it was sincere. You were doing it like to praise the Lord. Jesus. Yeah, kind of. Kind of. But we also like,

we saw the irony. Like we got that it was a bit. You got a bit of the tongue in the cheek. We did get it a little bit. But yeah, I was serious about it. And again, I guess actually this is interesting.

When I quit football, that's when I started going to church. And I think it's because I needed something to do on a weekend. So you'd went to church off your own back. you're not from a religious family. Mum's religious. Right. But she never made us go.

So, well, yeah, I basically wanted to be in a band, but I wasn't musically talented enough. So I had to go and ask the Christians to let me be in their band. And they're like, sure, come in. Well, they were like, we're recruiting. We kind of have to say yes, because we're Christians. Very astute on your part. Yeah.

I'm going to play that game. And so then, yeah, me and, you know, me and. And yeah, and then me and Rache, my friend, and then our friend Luke, we put a band together. Who wrote the songs? God. So you're playing music. You're doing covers?

Covers. Christian rock covers. Christian rock covers. Some of the classics. Some of the classics. Oh, Vicky Beaching. I know Vicki Beaching. Do you actually know Vicky Beaching?

Yeah, I do you know Vicky Beaching. Yeah, things like that. What's that like, fokey stuff? How do you know Vicky Beaching? It's lesbians. She's gay. Lesbians. What do you mean you know her or you know of her?

No, I met her. You're not part of the lesbian glitterat, clitorati. You know these events that you go to and you meet other high profile lesbians? You meet other high profile lesbians. What's she doing now that she can't be a big Christian? Well, I think she can in this country. I don't think she could do it. I don't think she could do the same tours that she was doing in the States.

I mean, I literally haven't spoken to Vicki for years. So that might change. But certainly when I met her, she just sort of like, come out and so it was all still very fresh and it was like you know those those shows that she used to do she couldn't go back there as a lesbian because it was like against God right you know and I and I sort of really felt for her because you know if you've got like a very strong faith and then who you are is supposed to compromise that I just thought god that's so tough you know to be I had an old friend that was in that situation their parents were just in

bits about it. Heartbreaking. I mean, I was really lucky because my mum is very religious, well, was very religious, Catholic, but when I came out, I mean, I make, I've got a joke about it, which is true. And I told her that I was a lesbian and she went, oh, thank God I thought you were going to tell me

a vegetarian, because she was like, that is genuinely what she said to me. And I was like, wow, okay. And I kind of bit of me was like, I would like a bit more drama. But actually, she literally didn't give shit. But she wasn't a worry for your soul or anything like that. No, not at all. I had a friend that her parents were genuinely. Because that is a very deeply held belief, you know, so.

Yeah. But for you, at a time, that wasn't the case. That wasn't the case. You didn't have any of those sort of hang-ups in the same way. A bit. Like, yeah, I was closeted and, like, I was scared of coming out. But also, there was always, like, there was never any question. Like, when I got to uni, I was, like, I was thinking about this recently.

Like, I couldn't. I think I had. angst and nerves and worry about it but I was like I can't be any other way so I'm just going to have to like live with this so I was just out from when I got to uni and just like met all of these new people and you sort of didn't have to come out

so that's a nice new start reinvention you introduce yourself as Chloe and I'm also you know I'm gay and you don't have to like everyone would assume and then you just go yeah yeah I am yeah oh yes is that is that your mum and dad

my mum and dad and my godmother is I think in the foreground You look, are you still look so, you look, you're like a baby in that picture. You look so young. I was 21. You're so young. Yeah. And my, yeah, so my godmother is in the foreground and then my mom and dad, my mom and dad

look so young there as well. Your mom looks so young. Your mom also looks like a baby. They probably would have been, what, it's their 60 now. So that was nine years ago that I graduated. So they were 51. They've aged very well, my parents. They look great.

And after that, did you go into a job? Yeah. So what did you do? For, I went, first job out of uni was I worked in a hostel for vulnerable people, like, who had just been homeless. So street homeless people that then moved into accommodation, so like supported housing. So I did that for a year.

And the two managers, like, again, afterwards were just like, yeah, like you were young and inexperienced, but like we liked your vibes. We just took a punt on you. Oh, wow. That's lovely. And they basically were creating this service from scratch. So it was like one of the most special times in my life

because all of the employees that worked there were basically fresh. So we created a team together. We created this new service like this hostel and then loads of different supported housing units around Haringay. And we just created this like really special like close team that worked together and basically like got this thing off the ground and that's amazing. That's amazing.

Supporting those people. And then. And you did that in tandem with Giggis. internem of a gigging. So I also like went mad because I was doing like... That's a lot. You must be so tired of weeks. You require quite a lot of commitment for both.

Also support work isn't like doing data entry. You're really invested in the people that you're working with. You have them to work really long hours. And like they chat shit at you constantly. Like I learned how to handle a heckler more at that hostel than I ever did during stand-up because they like, you know, it was like drug addicts being like fucking. nasty but so funny to you like they were funny

they had better feedback than you're ugly on the inside as much as you are better disses than that and then but what I really wanted to do is I wanted to do the like street outreach so then I got a job doing that after a year after

did you have like career could you see that carrying on as a career did you sort of think I need to sort of pick a job now because you were moving on quite far in comedy There was never I don't know why but there was never any doubt in my mind that comedy was what I would do Right

I was like I will make a career out of this What's this? So that's a picture of me With comedians Olga Koch, Huge Davies and Sam Lake At Sam's wedding So we started doing stand-up together

eight years ago, nine years ago At the Soho Theatre young companies. We all did a course together with Andrew Doyle. And you all bonded straight away? You just got on. Yeah, I think it was kind of clear that we were the ones who were pretty decent. How many were in the group?

Right, 15. Okay. And then we did it a couple of times, so we met lots of people through it. So I think what's good about that group is that none of us look sideways at each other. We just, I don't think any of us feel jealous of each other. We just feel happy to have each other and know what our strengths are. And yeah, so

this was just after the pandemic I think maybe in 20, 21 or something Sam getting married and it was just like a really so he could only have maybe like four or five friends to come Oh that's so sweet that you guys are there Yeah and also like Sam doesn't have any family Like he doesn't have a mum or dad

And it was just nice to like go and be that family Yeah, it felt really nice Yeah and I guess that's where like the lack of jealousy comes from because it's like we're family, like we just want each other to do well. Like if one of us does well, then we all do well. Do you feel like that about me and you? What?

I'm not invested. This podcast is lovely. Of course it is. I'm always happy for all of your success. You are. You're a lovely, you're a very supportive comedy comrade. And I'm always happy for all of my friend's success because I would hope that they would be for me. Yeah.

Let's move on to the next one. I wanted to like send in a picture from my first Edinburgh. Uh-huh. Who are these people? It looks like they're in Edinburgh because you're in the rain. So these two people, I don't know why I chose this picture, I just thought it was funny. I'm really into watching competitive eaters on YouTube. And this is Randy Santel and Katina eats kilos.

And basically I was walking along the street and I was like, it's Randy Santel and Katina eats kilos. They go out. And they were doing food. They were doing... Those are great names. They were doing food challenges in Edinburgh. They don't look like they eat. Oh, Randy's a big guy.

Oh, he's a big guy. And Katina is, she left. Oh, she's... So she's fucking ripped. Right. They must have been over the moon that they got spotted and self-feed. It was funny because I like was like, oh, I love your videos, like, what are you up to, blah, blah, blah. And then Randy was like, do you want a picture?

And I was like, well, I wasn't going to ask for, but cool, yeah, I love a picture. You look very happy to be in that selfie. He looks happy. I mean, he looks almost as happy as you are to have his picture taken. Yeah, he was a nice bloke. He's, yeah, proper enthusiastic American. I'm happy to see anyone happy at Edinburgh because I don't think I've got an equivalent. You and I shouldn't be... We can't talk about Edinburgh. We're not allowed to talk about Edinburgh. It's become like a sort of like, let's just not go there.

Well, okay, just... We have nothing positive to bring. Just for balance, there was a nice smile there, but that was probably a day after... A lot of crying. Someone... So an enthusiastic audience member who's very lovely, I was walking up Pleasance Hill, sobbing my eyes out, came chasing after me, asking for a picture.

And I had to turn around to him and be like, I'm really sorry, I've just been crying. We can't have a picture together. And he was like, oh, okay, then, and just run away. Right. So, for balance. And you were upset because of show-related angst. I don't know, I was upset because I was at the Edinburgh Fringe.

I was just having my cry. I'm really loving this chat. It's exactly how I feel. every time I've ever been to Edinburgh. Even when it's gone well, I've had a cry. Yeah. I love that when it gets really low. This is what it'll all be, comics in the care home.

We did gig together. We did gig together. We did together. We did together. Where was it? It was a terry. Comics. Do you know what? I'd be up for that.

Let's start a home for comedians. Yeah. I cried on the Royal Mall. I cried on the Royal Mall. It's exactly what you want. That is a shame. It is a shame you do miss gigging with other people. I mean, I really miss that.

Because even if I do ABC or one of them, they haven't got a green room. No. There are many with an actual green room. Even top secret, there's no green room. You have to sit with the audience. You don't have a room to sit. There's no, there isn't. You can't keep your top secrets, top secret, top secret.

No. It's just a curtain. I like that. It's just a curtain. That's why I'll never go to top secret because you can't keep your top secret, top secret, top secret. That was nice, wasn't it? That was one of those sentences where I started it, not knowing where it was going to finish. And by the end, I thought, you've nailed that.

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Talk me through this one. Right. I mean you would say. What the fuck is going on? You would just show me your Spotify. I was just showing my Spotify account. Right. So this is one of my favorite pictures of all time.

Can you zoom in and see my face? Yeah. Oh, God, it's going to hang on a second. Can you see it? Can you see where I am? No. Is that you there? Yes.

There she is. So where's Wally? Where's Chloe? Chloe, what's happened to you? You're in a man's arm, Pete? Right. So you have to understand. For those listening at home, it's

the backs of two Christians. Palace players in the foreground who's my team okay and then my mate joe is cheering vociferously to his right is our friend beth and then there's me there's me like looking like a like a gargoyle and a cathedral and basically joe and beth were my two friends that i made at the rookery cafe where they worked there they worked there and we created it was like the perfect summer because i'd quit my job as an outreach worker and I was like going semi, semi pro with comedy. So like part time at the cafe, part part time comedy or sort of full time comedy, but not enough money to sort of live off it yet.

And Beth, Joe and I created this like little sort of thruple thing where that summer it felt like I'd gone back to uni without too much reading. And they were Palace anyway. So Joe was Palace. Right. So this was the first time I had this community of palace friends. Right. And Beth and I were just like, it felt like uni because you'd, you call one of them

and be like, do you want to get drunk tonight? And they're like, I'm already drunk. I'm on my way to you. And we just went out every night. And it was the best summer of my life. And we, me and Joe, we wanted to take Beth to see her first game. And we were buzzing. We were so buzzing to show her.

So we went to the pub and we got absolutely smashed beforehand. And Joe and I, we were playing Bournemouth. So Joe and I were like, we're going to win this. It's going to be brilliant. Joe sits right by the corner flag. So you're like level with the players. And like you can be when they come over and take a corner, you know, as near to the players as I am now to you, Kerry.

We get really excited. Within the first 10, 15 minutes, a palace player gets sent off and we go, for fuck's sake. This is going to be so, like, we've taken Beth to our first game. All he wanted to do is go mad and we wanted to cheer. That's all we wanted to do. But now a player's been sent off. Fuck it, it's over. About 65 minutes into the game,

Jeff Slup comes running through, cross the palace player, and he does this amazing solo run, bangs it into the bottom corner. We go fucking men to. Jeff Schlop peels away. He peels away, and he comes and celebrates right in front of where I am.

So in my head, I'm now thinking, right, so do I crash through the barriers past the steward and go onto the pitch and hug him? And all the while I'm thinking, do I do that or will I get arrested? A swell of crowd behind me, push me onto the pitch. Oh, no way. I fall over. I'm like laying at his feet.

I'm laying at his feet on my back like a little tortoise that's like, can't get up. And Joe, there's this amazing picture of Joe, which I'll show you at the end. Not this one, but there's another picture of Joe where he has Jeffrey Shlup's face in his hand screaming into his face. while I'm laying on the floor like this. And everyone piles on. And it was the most adrenaline I've ever experienced in my life. I couldn't come down. Beth must have been like, why have I never been to a football rush before?

Beth was like to this happen every week. And we were like, no, this is the first time this has happened. Wow. And Joe's picture then, that amazing picture is one of the pictures, but there was a picture of Jeffrey Slopp's head in his hands while. Oh, it's a screen grab of the glory moment. Of like an official. Yes.

of like the official Crystal Palace photography of it. And the picture of Joe screaming into his face when viral on Crystal Palace Twitter because it was such an iconic photo. He must have been like, I know, mate, calm down. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And Joe described it as like Jeff, like, Jeff was initially like into it and then was a bit like, get off me now.

But it was amazing because we were just like in this. And I managed to get up and then I like jumped back into this huddle of just like all of these blokes just piled on top of each other. It was the most incredible experience in my life. Chloe, thank you very much. It's been so nice. I loved it. I knew it would be.

I was looking forward to today. What have you got coming up? Tell me some stuff you've got coming up. I'm going bouldering. You're going where? Bouldering. Okay, live stream me into that. Oh, yeah, okay.

Yeah, I will. Stick a GoPro on your head and get me in. Gaffa, take your phone to your head and get me involved. Should I get my GoPro on? Why not? Oh, live stream that bad boy. You up a rock? You up a rock with your kids?

Yes, please. Count me in. I'm commissioning this project. Also, I'm not good with heights, so that's what's all one out. Oh, extra twist. I don't think they go very high. I think what you're doing is you go under rocks. Oh, I know about this.

I've got a friend that's into all that shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're clinging on? Yeah, yeah. And I know, I want to see you to clinging on. That's very much my vibe. I want to see you. clinging on.

I told you about my ab-sailing when I was a kid on a PGL and Mr. Mann, my teacher shouted up because I was crying, fetal, dangling from a rope. Oh no, I don't know this story. And he shouted up, strain your legs, Kerry.

I wouldn't mind that you can't even canoe. That's harsh. When you're panicking air-sailing, being criticised. When you're 11, like dangling from a rope on a rock, and the day before you're capsized in a boat

and got your legs stuck, I wouldn't mind. Mind, be you can't even canoe. I've got a picture to show you. I've got sent this by Imran Yusuf. He said, has anyone else said that this looks like you? Go. Yeah, I can see that.

Who is that? That's what's her name? Jessica Chastain. Oh, I don't know who that is. And no one has ever said, I look like Jessica Chastain. In this picture, if I're split second, because I've got some photos where I'm side on like that. Yeah.

He was like, that's likely you with dyed blonde hair. Well, there you go. Take that compliment. Bloody hell. Look at the absolute bone structure on that woman. Oh, that's what are you saying you look like? Oh, I can see it. I looked at that and I was like, apart from the chin, I was like, well, that's your weight, mate.

Lovely. Lovely. Yeah. Now I'm thinking maybe I need to get a little dimple. You know like how? You can draw one on. Michael Jackson just suddenly arrived with a dimple on this year. Yeah, but you don't need to get surgery.

Don't go full Jackson. You can draw one on. I don't think if I drew a dimple on it would look like a dimple. Draw one on and go bouldering. Let's see how that all pans out. I tell you what, talking of faces, because I've been doing a film, so the makeup woman, she does all the shit to my face. She gives me like, she comes at me with these little vibrating UV sticks.

And I'm like, what's happening? I'm going to send you a video of this. I'm like, what are you doing? What are you doing? And she talks about the dermis, and she bangs on with all these made-up words. I'm sure they're science. I think dermis is a word. No, it's a word, but it's not in my vernacular.

And she's like coming at me with all these little things to puff around my eyes. I mean, they don't do much for your self-esteem. They don't really do much for your self-esteem because you're like, Christ. But how do they look after they've been on? I look about 23. Wow. Yeah. For how long?

About three or four minutes. Wow. That's sometimes. That's all you need. Yeah. I mean, four minutes. As long as you get those pictures, click, click, click, click, click, click. It's over.

Yeah. Yeah. But that's the time that you see yourself in the mirror. you go wow, I look incredible, and then she very much pushes you out of the makeup for him. Get the, get out! Yes. Get out in front of a camera. Like, if I have little outbreaks of spots or like

problems and she's, she'd get, the other day she handed me two satin pillowcases and said, try this. I'm like, oh yeah, this is life. I don't know, because she thought that the pillowcases in the hotel were probably a bit manky. So she was like, just, she just had satin pillowcases with that. No, she ordered them for me. This is the life I'm living

now, babe. I don't want to come back. I don't want to come home. I want to get a job where someone just hands me sat in pillowcases and is like vibrating my dermis. Yeah, it's another level, babe. You don't get this on the comedy circuit. You don't.

I mean, you'd be lucky if you get to have a cup of tea. I'm Max Rushden. I'm David O'Darney. And we'd like to invite you to listen to our new podcast, What Did You Do Yesterday? It's a show that asks guests the big question. Quite literally, what did you do yesterday?

That's it. That is it. Max, I'm still not sure. Where do we put the stress? Is it what did you do yesterday? What did you do yesterday? You know what I mean? What did you do yesterday?

I'm really down playing it. Like, what did you do yesterday? Like, I'm just a guy just asking a question. But do you think I should go bigger? What did you do yesterday? What did you do yesterday? Every single word this time I'm going to try and make it like it is the killer word.

What? Did you do yesterday? I think that's too much, isn't it? That's over the top. What did you do yesterday? Available wherever you get your podcasts every Sunday.