Memory Lane with Kerry Godliman and Jen Brister - S03 E13: Ian Moore

Episode Date: April 10, 2024

"After a while I just stopped trying to fit in..." This week we have the brilliant, funny and multi-talented @IanMooreAuthor on the show! Once a brilliant stand-up comedian now a brilliant author of Kerry's favourite cosy-crime. Photo 01 - Me and my wife to be aged 18yrs Photo 02 - My one and only headshot Photo 03 - Mowing the lawn Photo 04 - Opening a Bed and Breakfast Photo 05 - My last show PICS & MORE - https://www.instagram.com/memory_lane_podcast/ A Dot Dot Dot Production produced by Joel Porter Hosted by Jen Brister & Kerry Godliman Distributed by Keep It Light Media Sales and advertising enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Yep, it's the most powerful iPhone ever, plus more peace of mind with your bill over five years. This is big. Get the new iPhone 17 Pro at tellus.com slash iPhone 17 Pro on select plans. Conditions and exclusions apply. Hello, and welcome to Memory Lake. I'm Jen Brister and I'm Kerry Goddlyman. Each week we'll be taking a trip down Memory Lane with our very special guest

as they bring in four photos from their lives to talk about. To check out the photos we'd be having a natter with them about, they're on the episode image and you can also see them a little bit more clearly on our Instagram page. So have a little look at Memory Lane podcast. Come on, we can all be nosy together. So I got this text,

well Joel and I both got this text, to be fair. and I couldn't stop laughing for about five minutes. It took me quite a long time. And then I was like, I was laughing whilst I was screen grabbing this text. And I immediately sent it back to you, well, to all of us,

whilst I was laughing because I thought, this is the funniest thing I've ever seen in my life. Because also, there's a little bit that was like, is Kerry having a breakdown? Because none of that made any sense. And they're right at the end, hopefully for fuck's sake.

And now I don't even know I don't really know what I'm trying to say What were we talking about? I'm just going to read it out I'm just going to read it out Because you can find again This picture on the Memory Lone podcast This is a text message

That was sent to Joel and I On our WhatsApp group from Memory Lane Kerry Goddenin Weird said they went I've delete Ben from Max So we'll have to re-transfer It's okay I'm out now Holy Act by two

Booie hopefully for fuck's sake. Okay, let me interpret that for you. Okay, let me, this is a special dialect called Middle Age Lady without her glasses on. Yep, I picked it. Okay. And I am very resistant to voice notes,

despite the fact that when you haven't got your glasses, you really shouldn't text. You should just send a little voice note. But I don't want to do them. They feel like, like we've talked about before, like they're just little ego farts that you send out. into the ether so I tried to text you but it didn't go very well did it no I can't use words that I can't know so I think I'm referring to having

deleted something by accident I didn't intend to delete and that I'm gonna resend it later but I'm out now holy act by two should mean I'll be back by two yes right yeah boo-wey booey I don't know I think booey was hopefully. Booy. Because then you went booey and then you were hopefully. And then I resorted to acronyms for fuck's sake. FFS.

It was more the gradual breakdown of, of, I mean, it was a woman in decline. It's what I've got from that. You saw a very clear trajectory. Downwards. Wheels coming off there. Yeah, yeah. I mean, what about, like, you're the queen of social media. We've established that.

So have you ever made a post, put all the writing? because you put big, you put big captions. I've admired from afar your captions, but I can't risk a big caption because it's just more opportunity for typos. So many a time, I've put a post out and I've thought, I've sat down, I've put my glasses on,

I've read it over several times, and then I've looked back over it, and it's got some weird typo in it, and I've had to delete it. You don't have to delete it, you can edit it? What? You can, are you deleting it? Yeah.

Are you deleting the whole thing? Yeah. Because you can just... How do you do this? What? There's three little dots at the top of the post. You press in those three little dots and you go down to edit. And then you can edit it.

You edit. So, I mean, the beauty of making a mistake on a post, whether it be faceback or faceback. That means that. Do you know about faceback? Everyone knows on Facebook anymore. It's the care of home chitcher. Face back. Face back.

Fucking hell. I'm trying to sound relevant and already that I've failed. Malapropped. Go on. I didn't know you could edit a post. I just delete them and start again. Oh my God. Or invariably, I delete them and walk away and throw my phone in the pond. I mean, the fact that you delete the whole post is to re-type the whole thing and then that could be wrong and then you keep, would you just keep deleting it? No wonder you only write three lines. Love this. Yeah. Listen here. Yeah, that's what I do. I go, I just write, this is out. Get it in your ear holes. Bye. Yeah. But I think, to be fair, that's all you need. Correct.

Have you started knitting? No, I'm just touching my baby scarf. I'm just holding it. You've got two knitting needles in your hand and some knitting. The other day, the other day, I put my knitting needle in my hair like this, right? I had it in my hair like in a sort of Miss Jean Brody situation like that. And then I got distracted and then I spent 10 minutes looking for my knitting needle. Looking everywhere.

Like, oh, where is that fucking knitting needle? Moving all the cushions from the sofa, going mad. And then finally Frank came in. I went, oh God, Frank. Where's my knitting needle? I just had it. I was knitting. And now I can't find it. And he literally went, isn't it? Is that it? In your hair? Oh, Kerry. Yeah, yeah.

You're middle-aged. I think I'm past middle-aged. Middle-aged, someone said to me the other day, middle-aged is from your mid-30s. No, it isn't. Yes, it is, mate. How are you planning on living? Middle-age is not from your mid-30.

Middle-aged is not 50. Who lives to a year? 100. Well, do you know what? A lot of people are living to 100 these days. Who wants to live to 100? No, quite. But I'm way past middle age, mate. Way past. Middle is 35 to 45. It's, yes, but it's not about it being the middle of your age. It's about that being that time in your life where you're doing certain things that you do when you're middle aged. Do you know what I mean? You're not, well, otherwise, who are you? A pensioner? No, but I'm, you know, edging into the winter years. But this is the thing.

At the moment, we've got young. We've got infants. We've got children. We've got preteen. We've got teen. We've got 20 somethings. We've got 30 somethings. We've got middle age.

We've got pensioners. What are you? Are you a pensioner? No, there's got to be something between middle age and pension. What is it? What is it? I'd love to know it. Post's middle age.

Yeah, we need to work that out. Middle age, after middle age is old age. I hate to break it to you. Is that where you are you? No, no. There needs to be something between the two, doesn't it? But there isn't. Or we need to create that.

There needs to be a word. I'm happy to sit in middle age. I'm older than middle age, but I'm not a pensioner. It's about a time in your life. It's not about actually being half your age. No one knows. You could drop dead tomorrow, in which case middle age was when you were like, I don't know, 25. Yeah.

Yeah. So it's not about when you die. Middle age is just a time in your life. Yes. This is the time in your life and it's between 40 to like 59. But the labels are important because they say, don't they, that like teenagers weren't invented till the 50s, that's a phrase that I've heard

used, isn't it? Like, it didn't exist as a thing, teenager. Right. Right. And like children wasn't, like childhood. Children didn't exist. Well, they sort of did, but they had to get jobs and like, do you know what I mean? Like, pre the sort of industrial evolution or around that type.

Kids didn't have a, like, the concept of a childhood is a relatively you know, contemporary notion, isn't it? I suppose so. Well, it also. it would depend on your class as well. Yeah, class and like... So they said like teenagers didn't exist until the 50s, until rock and roll.

And now I think we need to define this bit, this bit after middle age before pensioner. But that's what I mean. It's like... It's the knitting needle in the hair days. Yeah, but what I think middle age still is right for our age. And I'll tell you why. Because when you look at people, and you don't have to go back that far, in the 60s, right, that were 49 and you saw photographs of people in the 60s and the 70s when they were 49

they didn't look as happening and hip and as cool as we do look at us we're we're so relevant and we're creating content that people under 40s I just told you a story where I lost a knitting needle in my hair are you saying I'm hip and relevant I'm wearing a yellow t-shirt right we've got to stop talking now who's our guess this weekend Ian Moore is who we are talking to today if you don't know who Ian is. He is a celebrated brilliant British stand-up comedian, but also now that he has retired from the world of stand-up comedy, he's now a celebrated, brilliant crime author. Yes. Cozy crime. Cozy crime, my favourite show of crime.

And very successful and brilliant and he's got five, I believe five books coming out between now and June. And if you haven't read any of his books, well, get involved. But we'll talk to him about all of his writing, his journey to stand-up comedy and so much more, because this is Ian Moore. Do you see what I did there? So much more. It's like rap. It was like rap. Mm-hmm. Hmm-hmm. Is that wine? It's lunchtime over here. Oh, God, you're so French. It's the law. Of course it's the norm. It's not the norm to get completely hammered, though, is it? Or is it? Quietly. Quietly. in a French way.

It is in my section of the Loire Valley, yeah. I'm trying to change traditions. I don't think any country suits you better, actually, Ian. I don't think, I think... Well, I am French now. You are French. This country doesn't suit you anymore. You must come here and think,

oh, God, all these potato-faced Philistines. I must go back to the... Oh, yeah. La Loire. I only go back to the UK to retox these days. That's all I do. Just be some shit. food and then come back. Yeah, sure. It's absolutely delightful to see you.

It's a bad show. I haven't seen you since you absolutely whipped me at the house of, I wanted to say house of cards. That's a Netflix show. House of cards. With a sex offender. No, House of Games. Oh, did you two do House of Games together? Like, fingers on the buzzer. What? You switched, right. The night before, we arrived at the hotel, the night before, I'll get a text from Jen. Let's go and have some dinner.

Let's go and have something to eat. We have a very nice evening. We have something to eat. And then we get in the studio the next day. The cameras are rolling. Richard says to Jen, oh, so what are you hoping for them this week, Jen? And she just says, I just want to beat Ian Moore into the ground. And that was it.

And so my hackles are just, right, I'm not having this. One minute you think you're mates. It became very personal. Yeah, and then she gets nice. I know. She gets nasty really quick. And she thinks it's bans and you're like, oh, you've hit too hard. It was meant as bans. And also, it was the cat, in my defence, the cameras were rolling and they asked you to say something.

And I was like, I've got no strong feelings. But let's pretend because that's what's all about. It's a bit like panto. And you think, oh, a fellow comedian will be able to take it. And he crumbled. Well, it isn't grumble. He rose to the occasion. Oh, that really hurts.

Oh, Ian, for heaven's sake. Anyway, he took me down to Chinatown. I don't know if that's actually a phrase that we're allowed to use. I won four days out of the five. Did you? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

For two days out of the five, I just sit there blinking happy to be out of the house. Well, I thought I'd done really well. And then I got home and my kids wouldn't speak to me because the day I lost was the day the dartboard was the prize. And I came home without the darkboard. So they just are like, you're useless. What good is luggage to me? You know. What, did you win a deck chair?

No, I won the onesie. No, onesie, the luggage, the toolkit and a shower curtain. Oh, the shower can. Why did you pick the shower curtain? You've made some strange choices, Ian. There's a couple of times I was like, what are you doing? You don't wear that onesie, surely. I do wear that onesie, yeah.

Oh, come on. I do. When I'm mucking out the horses. Because my mucking out, when I'm mucking out the horses suit doesn't fit me anymore, but the onesie's great. Ian, do you wear it with your tweed jacket over the top? A sort of three-pals.

A cravat. A cravat, of course. Yes, it is worth of telling our listeners what a sartorial legend you are. Ian Moore, apart from being an absolutely fantastic comedian, is the best dressed I say this is what happens when you let people when you scare people

I save it for they never relax I save it for mid podcast I save it for mid podcast that's when I turn is also you are by far the best dressed man in comedy or best dressed person in comedy I would say not just man

100%. I mean whenever I've done a gig I haven't gigs with you for a long time Ian but when we have in the past, I've always just felt like I've escaped from the charity shop. I mean, I think at one point you wore, in House of Games, absolutely fantastic outfits every day, but at one point,

I think you wore double denin, okay, and I think it was, was it, was it, was it was cream. It was cream. It was cream, double denning.

It doesn't work on anyone. Shouldn't work. No. It shouldn't work. Looked. I couldn't believe it. I'd saved it from then. I'd saved it from my youth. I wore double-d denim, double cream denizens at the school disco in 1988.

Let's not speak of it. I hope there are some photos that we can see of that because that, and then we can compare, then we can compare Ian and his double. Who wore it best? I think we know the answer to that. When you support Movember, you're not just fundraising. You're showing up for the men you love. Your dad, your brother, your partner, your friends.

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For alcohol, you must be legal drinking age. Please enjoy responsibly. Product availability varies by region. See app for details. What is the first photo here, I think, is of you as a teenager. I thought we might get some kids, someone's when you were really small, but you've skipped childhood. Yeah, I can't.

As something you're too far back to remember? I couldn't find any. I just couldn't find any. I just don't, I think, I'm not sure. I think maybe I just had a coma. I woke up as an adolescent. This is, you were born in. the wrong century, weren't you?

We are now living in a very, very sentimental, nostalgic, photo, visual. I am really nostalgic, though, and I am very sentimental. It's just I haven't got those things. And if I haven't got them, then I'm not, I don't know, I'm just not that fussed about it. I think I didn't like my childhood when I look back on it now. I don't have many great happy men.

memories anyway. So if I saw a picture, I'd just go, oh yeah, I remember that. I got I got smacked for stealing Debbie's brooch or whatever. Right. So it makes total sense. You don't want the visual prompt. No. I love looking at photos of my own kids. Oh yeah, but that's different because yeah, we all project, we all project that they're everything onto our children, that we include our own happiness. Ian, where did you where did you grow up? I moved all over the place when we were young. I went to, I think it was seven different primary schools. What?

That's a lot. And that will shape your personality. It does. I mean, it does. Because after a while, I stopped trying to fit in. So I just, I thought, do you know what? I'm probably only going to be here a year. So I'm not, I'm not going to bother.

Here he is. Ian Moore, fully formed, the man who refuses to fit in. Enigmatic, visually impressive. Just an empty shell of a human being You said that you get to a point where you decided you weren't going to bother trying to fit in But who, so who were you then?

What sort of kid were in? Well, I kind of changed. I changed because when we moved out of Blackburn and we went south to... And how were you then? Or east. I was six. And the...

I went to one primary school when I was beating up my first day at that primary school in South. Yeah, yeah, yeah, because I had a funny accent, right? And this is coming from people who live in East Anglia, right? So, and then I left that primary school after six months and went to another primary school. And the teacher immediately, Mrs. Waterworth, you know, I hope she's rotting somewhere. And she stuck me at the back of the class.

She said, you're the thick northerner, so you go to the back. class, yeah. Oh, wow. And from that, for about a year or so, maybe two years, I played up to it. I was, you know, I was a nightmare. I was naughty and I just didn't do any schoolwork and I was, and I was sort of playing up to being a thick northerner. She cast you.

Yeah. And then a new school opened around the corner and I went to that and the headmaster. there, he just sat me down one day and he went, what's wrong with you? And then from then, he put me in all the top sets, even though I hadn't done any work or anything like that. It just put me in there to try and change my environment. And it worked. And I actually got in touch with him last year because I wrote a dedication for a book that came out that was published last year. I wrote for Mr. Stroud, the best teacher there ever was. And I managed to track him down via via Facebook, tracked his daughter down. And it's just, and it's been amazing to be

able to say thank you to somebody like that. I mean, who knows what would have happened if he, had done that. It's an incredible thing, isn't it? When you have a teacher or, or somebody in your life that believes in you when nobody else has, nobody else has got your back. how it can turn everything around for you? It just, everything, just, it was like a different life before that. So, so, but when Mr. Stroud put me in the top sets and I started going home with, with, with, with, with, marks in subjects, people's, you know, like, my parents are like, hang on, you know, what's going on here?

And then, and everything sort of changed then, you know. In terms of what, your whole life, like the domino of your whole life. Yeah, in terms of, of what, of what was. was expected of me from then on in terms of school work. Yeah. And also sort of talking about my future as I got older. Well, it was meeting your potential. Yeah.

You know, you're allowed to. And going to uni and things like that. Exactly. I mean, my mum, my mum always sort of had it in her mind that I would become a, I would go to Cambridge or Oxford and become a barrister. That was always sort of earmarked for me. Yeah. And then, when I did my age,

levels. My parents were splitting up and I won the prize in history at college. And my name was read out and I was walked onto the stage and Lord, whoever it was, gave me my prize for history. And he said, oh, I suppose you're going to Oxford or Cambridge now. And I went, no, mate, Polytechnic Central London, just to upset my parents. And that's You absolutely And that's where I went And I was

My history teacher at college was like But I can get you a scholarship You can go in Cambridge You can go there if you want I'll get you in to the college I was out And I went No I want to do media studies Who are you with in this picture Ian?

That is me and my wife Obviously we weren't married then but we met when we was 17 at six form college. And that would be the summer that we'd just finished our A-level. So that's summer of 89 and 18 years old. Oh, wow. I put that in because, I mean, we've been together since the year before that. So what's that?

So your childhood sweetheart? Yeah. Did you? 35 years. Oh, wow. So you've stayed together since you were 17. You didn't like get together, break up, get back together. We did break up.

We broke up for about 18 months. Random. Yeah, not long after that, actually. We're about 18 months. And then got back together, yeah. I didn't know that you've been together with your wife for so long. That's so unusual. Well, a lot of people think my wife's French

because that's what I always said when I was on stage. Yeah, I thought your wife was French. She's from Crawley. I totally thought your wife was French this entire time until right now. No, her mum's French. She was on crutches when we first, when I first noticed her. She was on crutches because she dislocated her knee dancing to milly-vanilly. What a tune though that was, right?

I found this such an exotic mix. Yeah. Yeah, and it started there, yeah. I mean, did you sort of feel that you'd met the love of your life? Because 16's young. I don't think you never, yeah, but my mum had me at 16. You just think it's a different time. Well, I don't know.

I mean, because I don't think you ever know that that is the love of your life until, you know, 35 years later, you look back and you go, yeah, there must have been something, just a bolt or something. Because not many people, you know, 16, you're just, having fun, aren't you? Yeah, exactly. And, you know, and to be fair, not many people would put up with me for any length of time. So for 35 years, you know. She is a tolerant woman. She's an absolute saint. Ian, that's love, mate, isn't it? That is love. This photo here, what a handsome chap, Ian Moore. Goodness me. It looks like a spotlight photo.

It was a professionally taken photo. I was 20. And around the corner from where my dad lived, there was a pub called De Foresters. And I used to go there quite often. But if I went there in the evening, I'd pop by an old lady's house on the way. Her name was Reney.

And I'd walk her to the pub because she was a bit infirm and I'd make sure that she got there safe. So have her port and lemon or whatever it was. Her daughter, and I can't remember her name, unfortunately, but her daughter was Dave Lee Travis's agent. Right. And she was by this time a chronic alcoholic. But she came up with the idea that I would be the next James Bond.

I'm going to watch you. I hope you're getting the threads on all of this. I mean, not like, oh, you could be an actor. No, you're going to be James Bond. No, no. Well, I think because the connection there is my dad's called Roger Moore. So at the time he was the current reigning James Bond anyway. So there's a kind of connection there.

So she, and we're just kind of humoured her. I mean, does she know that's not how they choose the next James Bond? Your name's more, his name's more. I think there's a clue in that. And yeah, but then she arranged this professional photographer to come around who was, I think it was a sports photographer for the Telegraph. And he came around and he said, look, I'm only doing it as a favour to her because she's fallen on our time. But we both know this isn't going to go anywhere.

Yeah. And so I had these pictures taken. Wow, that's amazing. It's what Michael Smiley when he saw that picture, he calls my holly oak use. Do you know what? That is not far off, isn't it? He does look like a holly oak shop. What was it that you had in mind that?

What did you envision for your future as your career? Did you, were you like, okay, I'll get to tell you, to be a director? Yeah, I just thought, the whole idea for me was to become a runner for a film company and work my way up. Okay. That was, that was all I really wanted to do. That's all I saw myself as doing. And when I, when I finished my degree and I sent off hundreds, literally hundreds of letters to film companies saying, I just want to make tea.

Just let me come in and make. and I didn't get anywhere, absolutely nowhere. I had one interview. I was interviewed by Mike Lee. Yeah. You know, the director of my. He interviewed me for a job as a runner. But I think I upset him.

Oh, I think, hmm, I'm seeing a theme here. Because I was doing my dissertation for my degree, and it was about the contrast between Hollywood filmmaking and British filmmaker. And he happened to ask me what I thought. of British filmmaking in general and I said it's too twee and too parochial. Have you seen many Mike Cleavems? I know. It wasn't

the cleverest interview technique I'd ever I've ever had. Sometimes it's just about a family. Sometimes you can feel in though, I remember years ago auditioning for Ken Loach, oddly enough and I just felt like there was more than just your acting skills are on the line in those certain things. Do I mean like you've got to present

a lot more. than just the ability to make tea or something else is being judged of. Of course, because, you know, they're looking at that tea boy or tea girl and going, well, where are they going to go to? Where do they want to go to? And do I want them progressing under me to get, to get close to me, if you like? So, yeah, but I was honest, you know, I didn't get the job, but I was honest. did you decide to step on a stage?

It was. We were living in London in the Oval and a friend of mine called Charlotte, she, who I've known since we were 13, we met on a French exchange. And she said, we'd come to a show, we're going to a comedy show tonight. And we went to the banana in Ballam.

And I'd never seen live, well, I'd seen Frankie Howard, but I'd never seen circuit stand up before at all. And I can still remember the bill. The bill was Matt Hardy, Jojo Smith, who obviously we all know, the amazing Mrs. Smith, and the Tracy brothers. And we were walking out at the end, and Charlotte said, what did you think? And I was like a typical bloke and just went, yeah, I could do that. And she rang me out.

up two weeks later and said, right, you put your money where your mouth is. I've booked you a five minute open spot. What? On a Tuesday, the Tuesday night open spot at the banana. No, it wasn't a banana. I did it in a place called, well, it was a pub, but in Tumbridge Wells. I don't know why we ended up in Tumbridge Wells. Bloody hell, that's right. I love these stories. I love it when someone else is the one that literally makes that first move. I would never have done it. I would never, I didn't even not exist. There's a few people like this. Yeah. There's there like, I wouldn't have done it if, you know, that person haven't put me in and I sort of had to. No, no, no, no, I literally didn't know that world existed.

And how did it go? Well, it must have gone all right. The first one must have gone, I can't really remember it, to be honest, because I think I was so frightened that I kind of blanked it. Yeah. But I thought I knew it. Did you go on your own, or did you go with her? No, I invited friends and I invited.

Oh, error. No. Error. And Natalie, my wife was there. So it must have got, you know, because I didn't, I just, I mean, what a stupid thing to do. But my second gig, the second one I did was at Islington. Anyway, there were 15 acts on, 15 open spot acts. So you can imagine, you know, what a dreadful night.

And I was on last. And I did. Last, headliner. Yeah. I'd invited loads of friends and family to this. And it was so bad. It was so bad that there are some people from that night who still haven't spoken to me. It's a good way about sorting out your friendship room.

I really pared down my Christmas card list. You filtered some people out that night. When did you suss out that you had to do this without your entourage? About two minutes into that gig. Hang on, this needs to be a grubby little secret that we keep to ourselves for the best part of two or three years. Absolutely. Honestly.

I went back, my third gig, I went back to that same place on my own, obviously, and Cutler got that monkey off a pack and carried on from there. Never got a lot of hair. You told me years ago, one of the scariest stories I've ever heard of someone being, like, not heckle, but didn't something happen to you in Jongler's Bow? Oh, yeah, somebody pulled a gun. I mean I still tell that So it's one of the most fucking terrified

That was It was just I was on stage And it wasn't going particularly well I wasn't dying But it was just you know You didn't expect to get shot though No

No No I mean The geography of the situation Should have alerted me to it I suppose But I was also And then this guy stood up

And pulled out this thing From his pocket And pointed it out And it turned out to be a fake Right It was a toy gun and, you know, what larks and all of that. But obviously, my knees had gone to jelly. So a table of stag, a stag do table, then started having a go at me for not dealing with the gun incident in a particularly funny way.

I mean, it chills me now hearing this story. I could just fear. I had to, and because they got really angry about it, the stagnant, the security had to escort me to my cars. so that they didn't start on me as I was walking to a car. What the stag too didn't start on you for not making a joke about a bloke pointing a gun at you. Exactly. And I genuinely think that night that I was, because I was driving on from Bo to Camden to do the late show in Camden.

Oh, another absolutely delightful gig. Well, all the jangued jonglers. Yeah. And it was, but if I hadn't had that, I'm not sure I'd have got back on because I was so shaken up about that. I'm not sure I would have done another gig. I just felt, what the, what the hell? Why am I here?

Why am I here? What's the point in this? And so went to Camden, had a decent gig, and then just thought, well, you decompressed later, don't you? Yeah, yeah. I always used to get, well, why the fuck are you doing this job? This doesn't make any sense. This is madness.

Stop doing this job, which is kind of unhelpful. I think that story, yeah, but dying and, normal way and then there's that. So like that is so fucking horrific to feel like you're going to be shot. Yes. That's next level. That's another level. So I think, I think

in a really weird way, Ian, that story always made me always think, well no matter how bad it gets, it won't be as bad as what happened to Ian and Jongler's Bar. Yeah. I mean it's not as bad as that. I look back on it now and I can't obviously look back on it now

and you go, Jesus, that's crazy, but it's a good story. But at the time, I just could not work out my fear. I just couldn't, I just, I was, I remember sitting in the car when I driven to Camden going, what if that happens again? What if this is going to happen every gig I do now? And I was shaking, absolutely shaking, yeah. Understandably.

Ian, let's look at your next photograph. Is this it? Is this it the next one we're looking at? on a horse? Oh yeah. Yeah. What's happening here? Do you know what? genuinely, I'm mowing the lawn. That is... Oh my God. This is hilarious. It's the thing about being in France. We've got a big place, all right. Because, you know, we sold our little box in Crawley and bought a big place with land. And we've got horses. We've got one horse now. And we had two horses briefly. And I just had maybe maybe too much rosé won lunch

and Natalie said well you go out and mow the front the front and I just jumped on the back of the horse and dragged him out of the gate and mowed the front lawn Wow How long did that take?

It took a while because I realised once I'd actually got on top of him that I was so frightened that I couldn't move and unless somebody helped me down It just, it was, I was on there for about an hour. Yeah, you do not, you're sort of reflecting on life on that horse. No saddle, Ian.

I'm not so much riding the horse as he is underneath me. So what was the decision to move out there? How did that evolve? Just we could. That was simply the decision. When I first came, because Natalie's parents had a tiny little holiday thing. not far from here, about three kilometres from where we live now. And I first came here on holiday with Natalie and her family in 1990

and just sat in the garden and just went, I just want to retire here and write light, undemounding comic novels. And that was that, that was it. Talk about that. That was all I wanted to do. I know. It's the matcha or the three ensemble

Cicot of Cephora of the FACC that I just deniches, who energize o'clock? The form of standard and mini regrouped, what abemn? And the embellage, too beau, who is practically pre-a-doned. And I know that I'd they'd have them offriars,

and Rare Beauty by Selena Gomez. I'm just the best ensemble of the fairos of the Fesferi Braid, Rare Beauty, Way, Cifora collection, and other part of the VIT. Procurring you, Corma Stanned Arrouped

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holding a baguette is the most classic Ian Moore photo. In fact, if we were to bottle you, then we would take the tincture from this photograph. Because this is you like on crack, actually. This is new squared. It's such a great photo. What was this photo for?

Was this just like you larking about at home? I have to correct you. It's a full-size antique snooker table. Oh, it's a snooker table. Sorry, you're right. That was my mid-life crisis purchase. I got a full-size snooker table. And that photo was taken for when we first opened the bed and breakfast.

Because I turned, we've got another, this sounds like, where the old stable block was. Oh, right. Okay. We converted into a bed and breakfast. It was a post-Brexit thing in that I didn't know if I could travel every week because of restrictions coming in. So to have another income, we converted it and turned it into a bed and breakfast. So that was a publicity shot for that because I wanted it to be, I didn't want it to just be an ordinary bed and breakfast.

I mean, it turns out you can't be quirky at a bed and breakfast, especially when you really hate people. I want to just quickly just stay on this subject. Just for a moment, I don't want us to move on just yet. I want us to really lean into this, Ian, that you, knowing the man that you are, with all of your quirks and foibles thought it was a good idea to have the general public

near, not just you as a human being but in your home, what were you thinking? It was a shocker. Madness. Brexit caused a lot of people to have to rethink how they were going to do with it. Yeah, okay. But I think maybe this was...

They did, but it was, I mean, I was warned against it. I remember telemed. Paul Thorne and him laughing for a good 45 minutes before he, you know, you know, know yourself. You could reply. Know yourself, Ian. No, it was a bad idea. I was actually quite good at it, you know, around a good place.

The reviews are all great. But what I really liked about so many of the reviews of people staying here is they all say how discreet the host was. Just no. It just means I didn't want to see you. I just didn't want to see you. That's true. Paul line. I just, and I hated it. I just hated every bit of it.

Is this around the time you chose, you thought I'm going to have to, I'm going to have to become a novelist because this is the only. Well, this is the thing because, because, I mean, obviously one of the series I write is called the Folle Valley series, but it's about a middle-aged Englishman who runs a B&B in rural France, right? Where do you get your ideas? It's just to spark a genius one morning. And it was, it became a cathartic thing that I could write about killing guests rather than actually kill my guess. Very good.

This makes total sense. And I see, I didn't, when I started writing it, I thought, well, this is a great, this is a great idea, right? This is great. And I showed it to Natalie, because Richard is in the middle of a divorce, and then this very exotic French woman comes and stays at his B&B. And she read it, and she was fearing. Absolutely.

This is your bloody fantasy, isn't it? Like an idiot, I hadn't seen this at all. You were just happy you wrote a book. I wrote a book. Oh, I was so chucked. Look, I wrote a book. I didn't kill anyone. I wrote a book, all right?

Everything else is based entirely on your life. Apart from that bit, that's just, that's a work of fiction. Oh, that's right, love. You concentrate on that bit, why don't you? Your timing is. Oh, the timing was perfect for so many, There's so many reasons because also Richard Osmond, just as my,

Richard Osmond's book came out about three months before mine, his first one. So he just kicked down the door to the whole market. You know, and I just, I piggybacked in with very fortunately, you know, and it's worked. But again, it was one of those things after all the years of carrying around bitterness and resentment at the film industry for not just giving me a chance.

I'd got a stroke of, luck and I've been loving it ever since, you know. Well, the Follé, the Follé valet mysteries that you've written are all absolute. They're just, they're like, I don't want to say, that genre of cozy crime just is really sort of reductive. Well, it is, I mean, it is cozy crime, yeah. They're funny. They're genuine mysteries. The characters are three-dimensional.

You fall in love with them. It's just, it's, they're so easy to read and so enjoyable. And they are, particularly if you're going, like if you're travelling, if you're on your own, I'll tell you what they are. They're a great companion. So you feel like you're with friends while you're travelling. Because when I was writing the second one during lockdown, it was really great to get, to visit somewhere that I felt like I had friends in a different world that we were all socialising in. So it actually felt like that for me.

but one of the greatest things that ever happened to me in any line of career I've ever done is that the first one, Death and Cuisin, was chosen by the Samaritans to go in their book club to help people who are depressed and want to be cheered up. Oh, Ian. And that is just the most amazing achievement, I think, that I've had. And it's something that, you know, that is fantastic. I can't hardly put that into words because it just, it means so much. Yeah, I'll bet.

This photo, this last photo of you is at a theatre and it looks like it was taken not that long ago. When was this photo taken? That was my last circuit gig and that was last summer, last July in Harrogate. And I was asked to go to the Harrogate Crime Festival in July. and I was really nervous about it and I was nervous about meeting other authors again, I'm feeling a bit fraudulent

so I rang Toby Jones and said, look, I'm going to be in Harragher on this date if anybody drops out, give me a shout and I'll come and do it. So I had an excuse then to leave the crime festival rather than just walk away and somebody did drop out and I went and did the gig

and Queve McDonald was also, you know, a stand-up and very successful author. He was there with me. He said, can I come along? And I did the gig. I had a lovely, lovely time and came off and burst into tears. Wow. Because I just knew that that was it. Really?

And it was such a lovely way to go out. It's good to get out before you get dead behind the eyes, I think. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Do you know what? What a brilliant link, Jen, because I've got a book coming out in October called Dead Behind Behind. Oh, brilliant.

You're welcome. You're absolutely welcome. You heard it here first. Is that a memorandum of a stand-up? No, no, it's not. It's not. Death for stand-up. But obviously, that's where it comes from.

And I showed the title to the publisher and they went, what a great title. Why did you get that? Oh, my 30-year career, I think you'll find. Commonly used to be. Oh, well, what a page story? Your book, Death Ella, Chardin, is it, when does it come out, your next book?

In June, The hardback. All right. Let me try and get this straight. June 6th, there's a hard back for death in the jade. Ian, it's always a pleasure. It's been ages because you live in France. Yeah, it's been too long.

It's been too long. I can't remember last time I saw you in the real world. Years. I remember I remember I was gigging once up the creek and you were comparing and I was closing and I was getting some unwanted attention from a female before I went on. And I ran out the, as soon as I'd. finished, I ran out the back and you shouted down the stairs to me, you're a fucking camera.

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