Memory Lane with Kerry Godliman and Jen Brister - S03 E24: Dan Tiernan

Episode Date: August 7, 2024

"I didn't need a wand, I had loads of wands but one of them broke and I just completely crumbled... AAAAAAGGGGHHHH!!!" This week we have, former child magician and current British Comedian of the Year, Dan Tiernan talking about being a dinner lady, turning his hand at magic as a teenager, acting on Doctors, playing danger can and talking about his sister Phoebe's cancer treatment.  PHOTO 1: Dinner Lady Dan PHOTO 2: Magic Man Dan PHOTO 3: Doctor Dan PHOTO 4: Danger Can Dan PHOTO 5: Big bro Dan PICS & MORE - https://www.instagram.com/memory_lane_podcast/ A Dot Dot Dot Production produced by Joel Porter Hosted by Jen Brister & Kerry Godliman Distributed by Keep It Light Media Sales and advertising enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Chat with your advisor or visit Fidelity.ca. Performance to learn more. Commissions fees and expenses may apply. Read the funds or ETF's prospectus before investing. Funds and ETFs are not guaranteed. Their values change and past performance may not be repeated. Kerry. Yeah.

On the 12th of September, yeah. 2024, what will we be doing? We're doing a live podcast, our first live podcast. For the London podcast festival at King's Place and we couldn't be more excited. I only started a podcast to do live ones. Okay. Well, that's the end of this advert.

Well, that was short. Hello, and welcome to Memory Lane. I'm Jen Brister and I'm Kerry Goddlyman. Each week we'll be. be taking a trip down memory lane with our very special guest as they bring in four photos from their lives to talk about. To check out the photos we'd be having a natter with them about, they're on the episode image and you can also see them a little bit more clearly on our Instagram page. So have a little look at Memory Lane podcast. Come on, we can all be nosy together.

Do do do do do do do do do do do do do. What a way to start with a little bit of my own vocal scatting. I like it when you scat to cope. Coping scats. That scat for the listeners in case you're wondering what that was, was the end of a very intense conference. Some tech talk with Kerry Godlyman that I had to end with a song. To cope. To cope.

To cope with what had happened before, yeah. Yeah. So, but I've let it out now. What have you been doing? Well, this evening, I cooked a meal. I was telling Joel about it. What did you cook? Yeah, it doesn't matter.

It's boring. But what happened before that? Do you know our podcast work, babe? This is it. This is all it is, is just chatting and then you sort of jazz up chatting. Yeah, I know, but I've got to go back to tell you the bit before that is more interesting. Oh, right. Sorry, I thought the food could be the focal point.

You know there's podcasts on food I do yeah I do know There's podcasts on everything Everything oh although I've got a bit of feedback from Chloe about Because we've recorded two podcasts in me That's back the other day Yeah and we were at home Because we're normally in a studio with people

But on this occasion we weren't And she said oh god I could hear you talking upstairs and just listening to you makes me think why would anyone want to hear your voice? And I said, oh, thank you. She went, it's so annoying. And she said, what is that intensity of energy that you give when you're talking that you don't do in real life? Which is really, really fucking annoying.

Wow. And I said, well, this is strong. And I said, this is strong feedback. And I said, well, I can't. I can't, I can't, it's very difficult for me to be passive. When you're interviewing. And I said also on a Zoom, our timing's all wrong. So it's really easy to talk over people.

So you have to. Didn't you feel a bit hurt? No. Wow. And no, I thought actually this all sounds on point. And I said, but there are people that do listen to it. And she was like, yeah. I thought, okay, great.

Wow. But to be fair, she was, she was, she was, wasn't, she couldn't hear you and that would have broken it up, wouldn't it? That would have been nice. I think she couldn't hear the guest. She couldn't hear the guest. So she could, can you imagine only hearing me? That is too much. That's too much. I couldn't do it. I couldn't say anything but yeah, that sounds awful. I had to agree with her. You need to soundproof that room, mate. Yeah, you're right. Because otherwise you and Chloe aren't going to make it. What's our relationship? Yeah. Because you're, you're, you're podcasting now. You're, you're, you're properly,

you're a properly, you're a broadcaster. Why are you laughing? Why are you laughing? This is when they introduce you to a thing and they come out with all your CV. Welcome to the stage. Actor, writer, comedian, broadcaster,

Jen Brister, you know those lists. Oh yeah, those lists. Yeah, so on that list now is podcaster, broadcaster, whatever you like, but that is now part of your portfolio. Is that a portfolio? I'm saying portfolio and I was just saying it. You said portfolio. Actually, if you hadn't said portfolio twice, I would have thought, oh, she said portfolio.

I know. I was very good. I know. I was her attention to it because I knew it was a wanker phrase. But anyway, so your portfolio is now contained podcasting, which means you've bought the headphones. You've got the mic. Yeah. You've got the gear.

You're going to have to soundproof that room. Otherwise, your relationship isn't going to make it. Right. Okay. I'm just conscious of the fact that you're just flagrantly in your living room. Yeah, sure. No, but my family aren't listening. They're not remotely.

I mean, we're on to the next base, which probably might lean into, which is ignoring. So she was listening. She's still interested in you, enough to listen. No, she's not. But my family are like, just block her out. I think she was like, I'd love to have blocked you out, but your voice is so grating that I could. Jesus. Grating.

That's the word she used. Grating. Well, that was an inference. Actually, she didn't use that, but the inference was. Now I'm curious. What word did she? I could hear you from downstairs and just the sound. of your voice was really annoying.

So I took that to be. Grating. Yeah. Now that even wasn't the thing that I wanted to talk to you about. Oh, well, that was a good though. It was a good footnote. That was just a footnote. There was another thing.

Go on. I wanted to talk you about. So, okay, so prior to this, me cooking something and then going on the... Just I do need to know what you cook now. I do want to know. Because it could be anything from like something complex isn't good to beans on toast. And I can't bear. They're not knowing.

Sorry, I'm checking you out. All right. So my son said to me, Chloe had gone out with one of them to get the haircut and the other one was in the house and he said to me, Mama, mommy said that I could go to the patch. Now the patch is, there's a little park near us and it's really close and it's about five minutes from us. And he said, can I go there on my own? And I said, oh, I don't know.

Because he's only nine. Right. Oh, I don't know. I said, I said, I'm going to say no, love. I'm going to say no, I don't think that's a good idea. And he said, Mommy said I could. Mommy said I could. And she said I could go alone.

And I had been on my own before. And I went, yeah, but you went with your brother. And we had a very strict rules about what you were doing. And he went, I can't play in the garden. The garden's too small. Which is all very true. I said, okay, look. I said, bring it down.

Bring it down. I said, okay, look, you can go, right? You got to be back here within that half an hour. And you've got to be back here within that half an hour. otherwise it would be trouble. Anyway, he left. I immediately panicked to win. How would he time half an hour?

Has he got a time? I gave him my watch. I gave him my watch. I said, when it goes to this time. He's too young for a phone. He hasn't got a phone. He hasn't got a phone. Okay.

I immediately panicked. Phone Chloe. She went, why did you do that? It's a really bad idea. And I said, I felt like it was a bad idea. And that's why I'm phoning you. Should I go and get him? She said, no, don't worry.

I'm going to go with the other one to that bit of grass. And they can play. And then I'll come back. And so she came back. She said, I said, are they together? She said, yes. And I said, did you remind them of the time? She said, yes.

Gets to the time, they're not here. Chloe's like, they're not here. And I said, this is really annoying because I was really specific. And I'm, can you feel, there's a level of authority that I clearly don't have with my children. I said, right, well, I'll go down there to get them. So I go down, you know. March down. Did you march?

I marched down. I was like, all the things in my head. I get there. Livid, livid. Absolutely apopleptic. Yeah. They're not there. What?

they're not there. So I go down to where the basketball court is and where they play football and there's a bunch of kids there and I said, have you seen two boys? I said they're about nine years of age and they're not very tall in basketball kits and they went, yeah, yeah,

we've seen them and I said, okay, they're not here. Do you know where they went? And they went, yeah, they went down that way which is the opposite exit to the one. And I said, are you sure they went down there? And I said, what were they wearing? They said, one was wearing this kind of top,

the other one was wearing that color top. one had short hair, one had long hair and I went, they're not allowed down there, they're not allowed down there. So I'm starting to panic. I'm like, why would they go down there? I said, who were they with?

And they were with some other kids. And I went, what kids? What kids? So I'm going down there. I go, there's nobody, now onto another main road, they're not there. Oh my God.

I'm walking up and down the road going, they're not there, they're not there, they're not there. They're not there. They're not there. They're not there. They're not there. They're not there. I phone up, Chloe.

I said, the children aren't in the park. She said, oh, right. road so I went down to the main road I phoned it from the main road I said they're not there anyway look long story short I said to Chloe get in the car and go around the other way behind the other bit of the park and drive up and down there and see if they're just walking around like absolute penises by this point I am like yeah why did I who am I I'm just terrible can't read can you can you I can't something's on my chest I'm like oh my god somebody's kidnapped my children yeah I mean I don't know why anyone would but you know but you

go into the logic when you're kids missing. And also, as you know, people are weirdos. And I do a massive loop. So I go a massive loop and I think I'm going to go back into the patch. I'm going to go back into the patch. I'm going to check this case they've gone back in anyway, go back. Okay. So by this point, they've like, it's been, you know, they are half an hour late.

And I am losing my fucking banana brain. I go back around. It's okay, just to let you know. They were there. They're there. So, back in the patch. They're back in the patch. But they didn't go home?

They haven't been home. I said, where have you been? They said, we've been here all the whole time. I said, I came down here, you weren't here. They said, oh, we were at the top bit. I said, I looked at the top bit. They said, oh, we were right at the back. Why didn't they come home within half an hour, which was the original arrangement?

But that's my point. I said, well, it doesn't matter. I shouldn't have to be searching for you. You should have been back within half an hour. They said, why are you having a go at us? Because we never left. Anyway, I did that thing that my mum used to do to me, which I absolutely hated, which is shout at me in public in front of my peers. There's nothing worse, is there?

So I publicly humiliate my children and then I march them back in that way that you do as a pair of, you go, and another thing, and another thing. Because you know when you're scared, then you get overly aggressive with your children. And the whole time, one of them is going, I can't believe I've got you as a mother.

I would like to send you back. And by the way, and by the way, you're too strict. You need to have a, you need to have a talk with yourself. And I was like, have one a second. and I'm the one that's telling you off. Anyway, we get back. Chloe at this point,

hasn't, at no point has you broken into a sweat. She's completely like... She's very zen, isn't she? She's super zen. I have gone everywhere. Like, my emotions... Yeah, no, I know these, I know these things. My emotions have gone everywhere.

I've gone all the way around. I've picked every single... I've decided... I've figured out who all the paedophiles are in the area. I'm going to knock on their door. I've worked it all out. They're safe. It's fine.

By the time I get home, I'm absolutely exhausted. I'm emotionally drained. And anyway, that's the end of that story. But the point is, the point is, and we've told them often, they're not allowed to go out alone. It's very hard, though, because they do need a bit of freedom. It's finding where's the boundaries? I know. Well, Kerry, now, here's where you get, you help me.

Oh. As a person. I can't remember when mine were nine. Okay. Well, I can't remember. You can't remember. It wasn't that long ago. I don't think they went to the park. Yeah, I think I'd have been a bit stressed out. I would have been stressed out. Nine is quite young.

They're nearly ten. They're ten. They're like about two months. Yeah. No, I don't think mine were going to the park. Not really. Not on their own like that. No. Well, they're not going to because they can't handle it. They can't follow the time. But that is sad because they should be able to, really. They should be able to just go to just go to. to the park and play in the park. When I was their age, I was bobbing about to places much further away, but I honestly cannot take the stress of it. I don't know how parents do it where they go,

oh, I think they're out, I don't know where they are. I literally, honestly, I nearly gave birth to my pancreas. It's horrible, it's horrible. Oh, what a journey I've been on. Yeah, it's extremely stressful. What did you cook? Poached chicken in lentils. Oh, that does sound nice.

I don't eat chicken, but it does sound nice. I know you don't eat meat, but. Hey, this is what we're doing Yeah I've left it I've left it up to Chloe though So she's entirely responsible for it So if it tastes us a dog shit

I don't need to Because I'm here working as a broadcaster Yeah you're broadcasting I'm a broadcaster now Yeah If you go down and she says I really could hear you You were too left

Oh my God Can you let me know Because that I want that instalment This whole thing In your This episode of You have been watching Gen sitcom

where basically you have a meltdown at your children and walk around the block marching. Yeah. And then your partner fucks the dinner up. The end. I mean, there's something to be said for that as a sitcom within a sitcom. So that might not be the sitcom.

No. It's about... I've got it. It's about a podcasting woman. A podcasting revelation. A podcasting piety. A podcast of a pioneer. Wow. Yeah.

I think you'd have to, I think I'd have to have to have started in podcasting it. Pretend, isn't it? Don't. It's fiction. No, it's fiction. So a podcasting pioneer, that's you. You play that part. And her, right, so upstairs,

she makes the podcast. She has the funny guess. It's a bit like, what's that show that was famously a chat show within a sitcom? The Larry Sanders show. Yeah, that. It's like the Larry Sanders show. But you're a podcaster. So you go upstairs, you podcast with people.

This could actually. While I say this, I think this could get made. Don't let these absolute drops of genius out into the universe and without T-Ming them. No, quite. Let's T-M it. And then you go downstairs and it's a Trad family sitcom. Bosch. Bosch, right.

That's two very different things that you've said there. No, that's the point. Oh, it's the point. It's the juxtaposition of the trad next to the innovative. Okay. Got it? Okay. Yeah.

Yep. Yep. Can I be in it? Can I be in it? Yes. You can be the very cozy, mumsy. Um, but 100% yes. I'll be your co-host on the podcast.

I'll be the co-host. Wow. Like I am. Yeah. Yes. It's meta. Yeah, but telly people love the shit. They love meta shit.

They love it. They love trad and they love meta. And what you've done is you put. Trad and Meta together. Trad. Trad. Tread. And you came up with a word.

And we're like, you know, because you'll be same-sex couple. So it's not going to be the usual, you know, Mr and Mrs vibes. No. Mrs and Mrs. Yes. They're going to want that. What other sitcom is there with a lesbian couple? With two lesbians.

Hasn't been done, Jen. Hasn't been done. I think, I'm sure it has to be done. Sure. There's got carpet. This is it. The podcasting sitcom. With two lesbians.

With two lesbians. Upstairs, grating vocals while she podcasts. Uh-huh. Downstairs, traditional family life. She's cooking poached. Poached chicken and lentils. Do you remember upstairs downstairs downstairs? Upstairs downstairs.

Yes, I do. That wasn't a comedy though. That was like a drama about upstairs where the posh and downstairs where the servants are. Correct. This would be upstairs downstairs, the creativity followed by the domestic. Correct. Yeah. I can see this, babe.

Yeah, I mean, I wouldn't want to watch it, but I can see it. I'd watch it. Would you? If it was funny. Why? If it was funny and it had good storylines, one episode, the kids go missing up the park. Yeah. Jen goes absolutely fucking mental, marching around the park, shouting at Stranger.

This is funny. This is funny already, isn't it? I don't know why we're not pitching this. Yeah, let's do it. What are you going to say in your BAFTA speech? I'd like to thank Kerry Godleman who is the catalyst Yeah

Yeah it was the castellist for this BAFTA award winning Emmy celebrated and internationally acclaimed comedy That you now Can watch It's changed the landscape Of comedy

Meshing That word you used What was it? Meshing Whenever I hear about meshing I think of that stuff like that Meta tradition Women's cervixes.

I think what, I think at the end of my speech, obviously I start by thanking you and also then apologising to you because you never actually made it into the cast. Who plays me? That casting. Who plays me? Florence Pew gets to play.

It's going to be. Florence Pugh is playing my best pal. Yeah. You're contemporary. And podcasting host. Florence P.A.? Am I contemporary? You say that.

That shit happens. I knew a woman once that got cast in an advert and they said, we need to find a kid to play your daughter. And she went, well, my daughter might be good. And they went, okay, bring your daughter in. So she brought a daughter in. They cast her daughter.

Then they said, look, we're not going to use you now because you're too old to play that kid's mum. She's like, I am that kid's mom. that is... They said we're going to go younger. Oh my God. This is why we can't ever be in television. Can I speak?

You can speak. I didn't realize that you were going to be on a long call, so you left the dinner cooking. I literally texted you, so keep an eye on the dinner. Well, I was in the garden, and I didn't. And I've just turned it off now. Okay, so... Oh dear.

You told me you didn't have anything else on today after I spoke to earlier, and you clearly did. That's my fault. That's Kerry's fault. I told you I had to record memory lane. It wasn't recorded at six and I'd do it later, but I didn't know the exact time. Say it's my fault because it was booked for six. I did actually cook, but I did actually cook the dinner.

Yeah, but you didn't tell me what to do, in it? Well, I actually said, could you please keep it out on the dinner? Yes, I didn't get that message because I was in the garden fixing the basketball hoop. This is a perfect. No instructions whatsoever. Are we getting this on the podcast? Yeah, this can go in the sitcom as well. Yeah. I'm not convinced how...

Okay. Bye. I'm convinced how funny this podcast. I know, but you could gag that up. I mean, that is very traditional... What, traditional sitcom? Yeah. What, couples arguing? Good job for my... Jesus Christ.

I just realised, I could have switched that microphone off quite easily. I didn't know I didn't. I mean, you're never going to be allowed to use that. I had a full-blown argument with Elsie on a podcast, and Josh Whittaker messaged me after and went, can we use that? And I went, yeah. On that, yeah, parenting hell. And, yeah, my episode of parents.

She doesn't give a shit. She thinks it's funny. Okay, who are we talking to this week, Jen? In this particular episode, we are talking to the wonderful Dan Tiernan. What an extraordinary young man. It's actually incredible how much he's achieved in such a short time as a comedian. Like, he is prolific. And comedy's gain is the man.

magic circles loss. The magic circles loss. Yes. Well, you'll hear all about that in the episode. But Dan is, if you ever get a chance to see him, I worked with him actually at the weekend.

Oh, did you? Yeah, he was so good. He had me howling. He was really, really funny. And I realized that this was the first time we'd worked together. Yeah. And I really enjoyed it.

So if you get a chance to see Dan when he's on tour or when he's doing his show in Edinburgh, do. But in the meantime, time. Please sit back, relax and enjoy this wonderful episode with Dan Tienin. Dan, thanks so much for coming on to this middle age podcast. You have actually averaged us down to about, I don't know, what are we, probably in our 30s now. Are you going to,

can I ask, are you doing Edinburgh? Yes. And this is your second or your third. The second hour. The dreaded second hour. The dreaded second hour. So did you go last year? Yeah, I went. How was that? It was very good. Yeah, very intense. as you can imagine. Right, so for context, how long have you been going? So we've met before because I hosted the BBC and you and did you win your heat? Is that a, did you? Did I win my heat?

Or did you win the whole thing? I won the whole thing, yeah, and you were MCN. Yes, and I am ceded. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You don't remember who won the whole thing. And I remember. Over a year ago. Over, was it 13 months ago?

Right, can you cut that? Don't use that. So, the last time we met is when I hosted the BBC New Town. competition and Dan won. Okay, Dan won. Yes, he was the winner of the night. And that was a big night in Cardiff, wouldn't it? Yeah, that was one of the craziest nights of my life, to be honest.

Because I remember, when they said I'd won, I was like, right, just get, because I've got dyspraxia, which is like a coordination disorder. I was like, don't think about the fact you've won, just think about walking onto the stage, accept your award and don't make a tit out of yourself. Very wise. Don't do a weird hook. And I remember, and then they gave me the trophy to hold. And I don't want to brag, but you've not.

never felt a heavier trophy. It's a weighty number. It was so, it's like this weighty and we're in it and I remember just going to you, this is a lot, isn't it? Yeah, it is a lot, it's a lot, just breathe. Oh, so I had some value. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you added a lot of value. You do not worry. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It wasn't, it was an amazing venue. What was it that? It was the Cardiff, St. David's oh my God, it's a great room. That's a big old barn, isn't it? Are you in the big room? It's a big barn. Whoa. Yeah, yeah. And they stuck it on the telly box.

Yeah. And you were emcee. You're emceeded. On television. And Dan won it. And then get this. They had to get the last year's winner. That's maybe where I got a bit mixed up.

Last year's, the winner before was my friend Anna Thomas. Who's from the Shetlands? No, now you get mixed up again. I'll keep you on track. I'll keep you on track. So that's Mary Elaine Robertson, who was in the final with me. She's from Shetland. Anna Thomas is from.

Wales. And they've both got a similar almost, you know, witchy, chaotic energy. And they wouldn't mind me saying that. Yeah. They got kind of a folky vibe. Exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Celtic. Celtic. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, um, then she came out, she had to give me the trophy. And obviously she's coming out, bawling crying with the trophy like, ah, ha, ha, ha. And yeah, it was just a lot. It was a bit much. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And has it been sort of a roller coaster ever since? Yeah, yeah, without bragging too much. Just brag. That's what this whole thing is about.

It's the bragging podcast. All right, well, if you insist two weeks later, I won the British comedian of the year, which involves quite a rather large prize money. Oh, yes, it does. I know how much it is. It's a lot of cash. 10 grand. That's nice.

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Book on emirates.ca. today. Before you were doing comedy, I mean, because when did you start? I started in 2017. What were you doing before that? So I was a... Because I'm loving this picture is all on. Yeah, yeah, yeah, we're going on to this picture. So I was basically a lunchtime supervisor, which you may also know as a dinner lady.

I love that. I was a dinner lady. and I was in a primary school but I wasn't like hair nets like in the kitchen Yeah but you've gone for the tabard You've full tabard I will say this

The actual picture you're looking at And this might break your heart Was actually a Was actually on the stand-up sketch show Okay Which is a show where you recreate Yeah So I might break your heart

When I tell you I didn't actually wear a tabard Listen my advice is never tell anyone the truth ever No Because I would have been over the moon And happy to believe that you wore a tab. It does have a certain channel for sheen. Yeah, it was ITV.

What was that? What was that? Because I have really fond memories of my dinner ladies. Really? I do. I was really fond of them. You must have had me, yeah. But what was it like?

Because the kids are annoying. Yeah, they're annoying and there's a lot of them. So we had to, it was in like a massive primary school. It was in one of these super primary schools where they've got two. They've got two of them in different post codes. So the one I was in was. up to year three in south Manchester and it's also the primary school that I went to up until year three oh really yeah yeah how weird was that weird going back it was odd yeah well no one

no it was just a coincidence an agency ring me and we're like we've got a lunchtime supervisor role and i was like where is it and they were like beaver road and i was like oh my god that is too funny for me to never do yeah wow and did you enjoy it i did yeah i mean it was rare it's the perfect job for comedy if you're not paying proper rent and you live at home, you know. Because you get, it's like a two hour shift or yeah, two hours, two to three hour shift and it's very intense.

Right. And then you get like, which is good for me because it's stimulating. Yeah, yeah. And then you get like a meal afterwards. You get a preschool meal. Yes. What was the standard or quality? Was this pre or post Jamie Oliver's transformation? I think very much post. Very much post.

So no turkey twislers? Never mind no turkey twizzlers. No salt in any of the food. So they weren't allowed salt on their chips. Because I used to work in schools and have the school dinners. And I remember once saying to one of the dinner ladies, oh, what's that? And she went, smiley faces.

And I went, what, what is that? And she went, it's smiley faces. Yeah. And I don't know if it was meat or potato. It could have been either. It could have been either. I don't know what it was. There's a meat smiley face and there's a potato smiley face.

Right. Is there a meat smiley face? Yeah. Yeah. That is vile. Isn't it? Like those ham things that you have, Faces.

Smiley faces. I was like, well maybe you should tell your face. Honestly, when you were working as a... So you did that for how long you were there? Dinner lady. I very much identified as a dinner lady at the time. I think it's a great job title. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And also I think embrace the lady bit. Yeah, why not? Yeah, it's good

to be a lady a bit. Did you have to do, like, were you kitchens? So, yeah, I said my role was a canteen police. So you've got the lady. in the back who are like doing the food my job is to get the kids from the playground like the year line them up walk them in and get them in the queue for the food right so you're doing very much interface with the children so

interface is that I think interface is that what we're calling it now we're sticking with faces all right so that is wrangling yeah so the big issues were so firstly you've got to clear up everything you've got to do so many jobs at once you've got to clear all of the plates and all of that. I can hear it. I can hear it. All you're describing is the noise. Are you back in the canteen? I can feel it in. Yeah. And then you've got the cue of them all and they get in arguments about the queue. And then the big rule is if they push in, they go to the back of the line.

Solid role. Dan, can I ask you a very quick question? Please. Please. Because while we're in this chaotic canteen with you and hundreds of children. Yes. And that you are the interface in having to direct children to get their food. Yes, yes. On a scale of 1 to 10, where would you place your authority amongst those children?

Amongst those children, but quite high. Really? But the complication was as I was agency staff, so all of the TAs kind of spoke to me like shit, and I had no authority with that. So, for instance, once, and they went to me, it wasn't even... I could I say this is teaching assistant, not territorial army, with you? No, it's not. Although that is also would have fit in, probably that incident.

I don't know if they'd have treated me with much authority either, to be honest with you. So once a teacher just went, I don't even know she was teacher. I think she was like admin staff. They just fought because I was agency, they could just boss me around. And I'd just listen and do what they told me to. So once she went, spillage over there, clean it up. So I went and I went and cleaned it up. And then she went, I'd wash your hands, it's piss.

And I was like, brilliant. Well, I don't mind. That's a very different spillage. Yeah. I mean, I don't mind clearly on your piss, but you could have told me it was with. Is that not bad. I would have used them up. You said that so takes you back to school.

You remember when people would throw up and they just put a chair on it? Yeah. Yeah. Just take a chair on it. Lapeuk. Yeah. It's like, I can't do all that now. We just need to keep that for later.

I got too much. I've got kids thrown jelly over here. He won't eat his jacket potato and he said, yeah. And how did your dyspraxia fit into this environment? Well, weirdly, like, I was really good at it. Like, one. Once I'm zoned in, I can do a million things at once, like, but I just have to be zoned in and it's absolute chaos. Like, I'm running about the canteen.

I'm like, I'm like, at one point they bought in a manager who wasn't agency staff, but she didn't have a clue what she was doing, which is fair. So I was having to like boss her around a little bit for her own good and be like, Stacey, trust me, go over there. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, my. How long did you do it for, Dan? So I did it for, let's say, over a year. And then the lockdown happened. And then after the lockdown, the job was completely different.

So it changed from me being like a canteen police officer to me basically being what I described as a sandwich porter. Because they all ate in the classroom. So I just had to pour sandwiches from classroom to classroom. And I was like, this is rubbish. Yeah, yeah. And then it was all the bubble. It's not the energy and the vibe and the atmosphere. of the canteen, which is why you're there.

Yeah, exactly. And then transport that energy, chaos of a canteen into a comedy club. I know, and then start writing about it. Exactly. And then one of the mud things, no one, I never did people throw shit at me, did you say? No, did they though. Oh my God, so much. Yeah, yeah, jelly.

Chips and stuff. Yeah, not really deliberately ever at me. Nothing solid. Often they would like, sometimes they would try and get jelly stuck on the ceiling and all that kind of stuff. Why wouldn't you? Yeah, give it a go. Yeah, give it a go. It's a feral, aren't they?

but it's so fair yeah um totally fair yeah this was your career before yeah as a magician yes so when i was too no venue too big yeah or small yeah yeah yeah i meant that so basically i knew i wanted to be a stand-up comedian when i was 12 but you can't do stand-up comedy like when you're a kid really it's kind of if i think it's much easy to do it in america but you can't. There's something weird about kids doing stand-up. Yeah. I mean, there are a few kids courses, aren't there, that exist?

There was that young boy, do you remember? No, was it a young... Oh, yeah, Jack something. No, but even before that, there was a young... Jack Carroll, but before Jack Carroll, there was actually a young girl. He used to go around with her mum. She was about 11 years old, and she did stand-up comedy. And we all thought it was really weird because she was so young.

And we were like, do you like comedy? And she was like, yeah, I'm not bothered. And her mom was like, she's going to be a star. Wow. But she was... doing the clubs when I was doing, wow. I'm trying to remember her name but she was really, yeah, she was a child. There is something odd about kids doing stand-up.

Yeah. It just doesn't, you're right. It's kind of like you have to be adjacent like magic or something else. You do it, yeah, because you're a kid. Yeah, so it's like, well I'm, yeah, it does, when you, when it, I think I've seen clips where when a kid just gets a simple joke out, it blows people's minds. Right. Because they're like, how have you done that? Yeah.

So when I was at school, there was, uh, it was. the talent show every year and that was a big part of my origin story. So one year I entered as a comedian and I must have been about 11 and I did like old jokes, you know, from joke books and stuff. And I completely crushed it. But I came second and I didn't forgive myself for old year. So then the next year, so then I started like learning magic and stuff. And then the next year I got this magic act together.

and they changed the way the judging of the talent show works. Right. So it used to be, I think it was judges, and then they changed it to audience vote. And I was like really nervous about audience vote because I was like, I don't know if I'm popular, and Norfolk, et cetera. And it was like I was a last minute addition

to the talent show and Mr. Lucas, who was an amazing teacher, but he was like not too sure about, and then he saw me do a rehearsal, and he was like, all right, let's give it a go. And then obviously I won't, yeah. Dan, it's so weird listening to you talk about it because I don't know, even as a child,

you sound like you were really kind of focused and driven and ambitious and like you wanted to win and you wanted to get whatever it is. Yeah, so I kind of think the magic days are really like why I found becoming a stand-up comedian so easy because not so easy. It was obviously easier. No, but I do, because I used to be a children's entertainment. Right. It wasn't a huge jump for me to go from children's entertaining

into sort of the world of stand-up in a way. Yeah. Well, for me, I felt that because I've got to Spraxia, I was an awful magician, like technically. But that can be funny. Yeah, exactly. It was like Tommy Cooper. They would all see me.

I'd be at like a, in hindsight, I was doing magic gigs that I definitely should not have been doing. Like, I've since spoke to magicians, and I didn't have a single friend who was a magician, so I didn't have anyone. But you were using it as a device for comedy. Yeah. So, but how does it?

did you get these so you say you're you're doing these gigs how did you get them right so it started off that my um mom and dad's friends who are like our closest family friends um they they were trying to put a party on but obviously magicians are so expensive yeah so they were like if we get down 20 quid it'll have a bit of crap won't he so then i just like trained for this show and then i did it and it was loads of kids and it was absolute carnage but the mum's just absolutely loving It was funny. So then I immediately got like three or four more gigs on the spot, like on from that gig. I love this.

So then. Could you like an entrepreneur as well as a performer? That was the problem. My entrepreneurial skills, I've forgiven myself, but they did let me down because I used to say, I used to feel really uncomfortable about the money thing. So I'd be on the phone with a mum and she'd be like, you know, how much do you charge? And I'd be like, up to you. And then she'd be like, I just don't, can you give me a bar? And I'd be like, 20 quid.

And then she'd go 30. And I'd go, it's old. And then I'd spend 50 on tricks, you know. And then I'd break all my tricks. But you weren't doing it for money. You were building an act. You were building a state of time. Sure, but.

And he was living out of money. You're not doing it for money. There's almost a sort of monk like purity. He's like, I'm doing it for comedy. I'm calling. I mean, it's not in sight, sure. He hasn't got to pay rent. Yeah.

No, but... Not going to pay rent. He's scared anyway. Yeah. I mean, God bless my mum for putting up with me in that time because during, if I had a show coming up, it was... And she didn't really understand. And then I remember, we called it, we referred to it in my house as the wand episode.

Because I didn't really need a wand. I had loads of wands. And one of them broke. And I just completely crumbled. I was just like... It was like Dumbo in the feather. Yeah. I can't do it without.

And even I I I I used to have a ban on that because once years later my sister told the one story and I got Fuming at her I was like I that's one of my boundaries don't tell the one story Because I just made an ass of myself in front of my family I was like crying and that But the thing is as a mum you'd be like well fine I'm glad my kids into this kind of slightly nerdy but albeit lovely thing Yeah, yeah yeah Moms are just happy when they're really passionate about anything yeah that isn't you know gaming. Yeah, of course. Or dealing. Yeah, gaming or

dealing. Yeah, that's it. Also, take you to one side, start high, then work your way down. To be a magician, you have to be so organised. It's so important that all your props, so to give you one example. I've seen the prestige. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's all I, that's my That's all you need to know, yeah. Have you

many magicians? Pete Furman? Pete Furman, yeah. And that is literally it. Next time, yeah, next time you meet a magician, ask him to show show you his box. Okay. And it's a very organised. They're so organised. So to give you one example, one of my best tricks, what involves me making money or I could make something disappear and they would sign it and it would appear in an orange. What?

Yeah. And it was my, I can't tell you. It's magic. It's magic. Yeah, yeah. Any magician listening to this office is probably going to be like, yeah, that one's basic, pal. But yeah. Yeah, yeah.

But don't spoil it for those of us. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I won't. I won't. And I'd come up on my own. I'm still trying to figure out how you would get that. Into the orange. Yeah. The answer would be so disappointing.

Yeah. But I'd come up with my own method that worked for me. And bear mind I didn't have my support network of magicians, you know, like a new comics. So I had no one to say, oh, you're actually doing that in quite a difficult way, mate. Why don't you try and do it this way? Right. Do magicians not sort of? I didn't know any.

They do. I didn't know any. And my mom was really treading the line of being like supportive, but she didn't want to be pushy, you know so I made but the problem is because it was involved an orange

I would often after a gig leave the orange in my box for weeks so then and sometimes then I'd

go to prepare for my next gig and my box would just be full of rotten through and all my tricks would be rotting

and my mum would be a child time you're like a teenager I know but my mum didn't understand enough about magic

as bad as it sounds. That's hilarious. Put it this way. A niche childhood. Yeah, very niche. That's a good way to describe me. Very niche childhood. What are you doing on this?

So... You're not in real pain, are you acting? No, I'm just a very good actor. So that is a picture of me probably doing my first ever official acting job, which was on RIP, a show called Do. Oh, Doctors. Oh, Dan, you've got doctors.

I know. Doctors is the platform. I've done doctors. Yes. The stepping stone for all the great actors. He's done five. Ben, my husband's done doctors in about five times. He's like Mr. Ben.

I never did it. He comes out. Who is he this week? He's someone who likes homey office. Now he's a BNP fascist. Now is he now. I can totally imagine Ben is a fascist. Doctors is like its own, well, was its own institution.

It's a tragedy. It's a tragedy. I think it's gone. I think it genuinely, genuinely is because it seems to be like a starting point for a lot of writers. A lot of writers. And writers. It's really such a shame it went. So are you ready? This might blow your mind.

Well, I'll tell you this first. Two weeks after my episode, I had the whole thing got axed. What did you do? So I was one of the last ever episodes of doctors. And I was the guest star of the episode as well. I played a dyspractic thief. And you broke the whole thing. And you broke daughters.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Did you have suicide? I acted too well, yeah. They were like, that's it. We'll never come back from this. That postgraph really does illustrate the breadth of your acting skills. I had to do my own stunts.

Yeah, doctors. I mean, bring your own biscuits. You have to have to have a go on the camera. You got no money. One of the, oh, I wish I could remember his name. One of the, I think he played Dr. Sid. I wish I could remember his actual name. Yeah.

I mean, I've got to say, I've never watched it. As much as I'm like, oh, it's such a shame. It's gone. I mean, I'll be honest, I don't know. It is trash. Like, you know, I don't know if I can say it. Well, he's just kind of soap, daytime, soap, yeah. So there's a purpose.

Some people love it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He was basically, he was like always on it, like a recurring character. Yeah. And he was telling me it's doctors, you just get involved.

Like if, you know, he said like, if the cameraman's having a trouble, he'll just come and help him. And. Wow. Yeah. He was really. Did you bring your tabod? You could have helped out in the, in the kitchen. I don't want to sound like a diva but it blew my mind when they told me that you usually have to buy your own food

and I was like I was like what I don't know I didn't know I was a complete diva doctors has its own special yeah rules I mean I remember doing it and saying when's lunch and he went oh we haven't we're saying we haven't got any lunch today and then you feel like we haven't got any luncheon today no but he said there's a there's a wimpy round the corner winpy winpy he just is famous for it they never had a any money you often had to buy your own lunch it just was a very very very very low budget yeah tv show i mean ben sometimes when he took it he would take a hit financially he'd be like oh go on then i'll treat myself to a doctor's because i like doing the acting yeah what do you mean i'll treat myself yeah why was it why was it because he was he paid less than he would for his normal other day job yeah so he do he do doctors rather than go to the actual doctors like that That was better for his mental health. Yeah, I mean, it was like, by then he was doing training work and roleplay work, wherever he'd go, okay, well, I'll be paid less than I wouldn't be training work, but I'll do it.

That's mad. Yeah, he was talking about, he was clocking up his doctor's credits. It became a running joke when he was like, I've got another doctor's. And you were like, that's your last one. That's your last one. He's like, let me a free mark. There's no way back. Who are you going to play?

Marine. He's going to be a PhD. Who is he gonna be? I know. Maybe It's Mabelaine is such an iconic piece of music. Hit the track. Everyone in the studio that I worked on this jingle with all had childhood stories or memories. Yeah, we're around either watching these commercials on TV or sitting with our moms while they were doing their makeup.

And it became really personal for us. Maybe it's Maybe it's Maybe it's Maybe, It's hockey season, and you can get anything you need delivered with Uber Eats. Well, almost, almost anything. So no, you can't get a nice rink on Uber Eats. But iced tea, ice cream, or just plain old ice? Yes, we deliver those. Goaltenders, no.

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Next picture. Headbatting a can. Oh my gosh. Okay. All right. So, once, when I went to Leeds Festival, and this is more, this is niche again. When I went to Leeds Festival, and I don't know if you know, but Leeds and Reading Festival are. Horrendous.

No. Horrendous for a parent, maybe. Or anyone over the age of 19, I think. Yeah, I agree. I'd even go as far as. 18 yeah like but you they coincide with when you get your GCSE results so it's a big thing I think you or it's probably yeah because it's ready they all go sorry yeah so everyone of the age group like or pretty much anyone who can they you get your GCSE results you know you convince your parents

that your life's going to be okay or that you're going to be able to get into college and then you just you go to leads and you just get absolutely wasted yeah yeah yeah yeah did you do that did you do Reading? No, I never did Reading. I went to, I mean, my first festival, I think, was when I was at 18, 19, I went to Glastonbury, but I didn't do Redding. A lot of them now literally do that. They go straight from there. Is it from results or from the last exam? It's results. But Redding looks every year, I don't know what Leeds is like, but Redding always look, it's always on the news and it's like chaotic and then they all leave their tents behind and everyone's off their face and someone's on ketamine. It couldn't be further away. I think Glastonbury and Leeds are like

two sides of the same coin. Right. So it's almost like Glastonbury's all peace and love and Leeds is all it's all about me and I'm going to push through this and get to this band to see this band with my mates and

someone's going to throw piss on me and that'll be all right. Sounds like the canteen days, didn't it? Yeah, yeah. So the reason I mentioned that is that was the weekend I believe that I confessed to my friends that I wanted to be a stand-up comedian. Confessed? Oh my God.

I know. He had to come out. Yeah, I had to come out. and they were all like oh my god you totally should and then everyone even like mates that i'd not like my mates and my mates yeah like you would be so good at that oh how lovely and it was like this thing and it also co i think there was two leads that i've kind of put in one yeah but one of them we were we were walking like uh to uh to the arena and there were these guys playing a game which i think is an american game where you shit and it's called danger can and what happens is you're all getting a circle and this will trouble you as a mother i will say uh like uh yeah um

you shake the can up yeah i know where this is that yeah you do you do and then you head butt it right right right i'll tell you why why so in the circle they said they said lads we're playing danger can do you want to get in we were like what's that and they were like you take it to head but the can and whoever blows it up, wins and gets to drink it. What a prize. That's the winner. Yeah, yeah. The winner of the crown.

It's also the crown. You get the crown. Yeah, you get the crown. The reason, this plays into why I'm a stand-up comedian as well. Because they went down. Get the hell in there. Because that was kind of one of my things. Like I used to, I also used to have a YouTube. Firmly in your skill set.

Yeah, firmly in my skillset. I used to have a YouTube channel where I ate weird things. That's another story. Yeah. I should have put that as a pitch. Oh well, it is what it is. We can't do them all. So they said, Dan, get on in this.

And I misunderstood the game. And for... It's quite a simple game, but I know, I know. The game is just to blow up the can on your own. So you just keep smashing it. And the can exploded. And no one... I've never had a bigger applause breaking my whole life.

So then, and it will please you to know I have fully retired from Danger Can now, which is what it's... But for a long time. Just for your brain cells. Yeah, for my brain cells. Yeah, I heard that thing about... Why, do people go forward into Danger Can?

Full time. Full time. Yeah, there is a Danger Can circuit out there. You can't rush it. You've got to do small kinds of Red Bull first, and then you can move on to like half pints. Yeah, no. So then it was like my festival part,

or for a while it was just my party trick. And then we limited it to only at festivals. And then it was only one at a festival. festival on the last day as a treat for everyone. As a treat for all your pals. This is borderline bullying, Dan. Yeah, it is, but I really liked it. We've all got a party trick.

Yeah. But when your mate make you head by a cat. It sounds like he wanted to do. I wanted to. I didn't know about the brain cell implications. I wish I did. Well, don't look back, mate. Yeah, I don't know.

It's got away with it. Dan, let's go to your final photograph, which is with you. And is this your sister? This is my sister, Phoebe. So I asked her, I asked her if we could send a photo of me and her. And she said, sadly, we get no photos together. And this is the only one that she's happy with.

And that is at a music festival called Kendall Calling where... I've done Kendall Calling. That's the one that we went to as a family. Yeah, we went to as a family. And then my mates would also go. So I was able to like, see my, I would camp with my mates, but then go to my parents, like, tent bit and like go and see bands with them and stuff and then go and then in the night it would be like

full on rave you know right right it's that it's really beautiful it's out sort of like well in the late district yeah kennel yeah but it's never dry no it is never dry it's like a mud fest it used it used to be dry yeah it used to be quite soony often yeah and Kendall used to be completely different it's like a tsunami the last two times did it used to be a very small festival And it's just got massive. Is it June or July? It's not August. I don't think it's July.

It's like June. Yeah. I think June. I think the last one, my family and their friends finally said, we're out of Kendall. Like, we're done with Kendall. Like, just because it was too. Too hard.

Yeah. And like, they always want, I know it sounds. And cold. They always wanted me to come as well because I'm so good at, I'm not good at festivals, but I'm just quite entertaining to be around at festivals. It sounds like you have a lot of energy for, festivals they require a lot of energy they do yeah yeah a lot of positive energy

and tell us about your sister then why did you want to put a picture room with you and her yeah so it's uh this was the sort of ending routine i'd say the last 20 minutes of my last edember show but she got diagnosed with acute lymphobastic leukemia about two and a half years ago yeah um maybe a bit less i want to get the dates right how how old is your sister she younger so she's younger than me so i'm 28 now which means that she's 24 now yeah so she's She would have been about 22 at the time. Yeah. So what you need to know is she never wants me to tempt fate,

but she's like, yeah, we bet. She couldn't, her treatment couldn't really be working better. Like, yeah. So she's kind of, we never like to say she's out the woods or she's in the all clear or anything like that. But she's off her maintenance chemo. Right. You know, she's started a job as a paralegal the other day.

She got two ward at uni with it all going on. So she's absolutely smashed. basically yeah it is one I'm hesitant to talk about because I don't want it it's obviously a thing that triggers a lot of sadness in people and stuff yeah I don't want it to be sad because you know with all of the jokes that we had about it at the time like I'm sure you've been and I'm sure a lot of the listeners have been in a situation where you've never felt so sad and so happy at the same time you're like laughing hysterically you know things and like yeah so we managed to get the I managed to I asked I remember saying to her do you mind if I talk about it in my

Edinburgh show and she was like my one rule is don't tempate which it's obviously difficult because when you talk about it you want to say to the audience everything's okay yeah but then you have to say and we managed to get the wording right and then we managed to use it to plug the Anthony Nolan um bone marrow register yeah which is like an incredible thing if you don't know about it it's like a stem cell register so there's loads of people out there who will be absolutely desperate, obviously, to get, like, a bow-marrow match. And they particularly need, they need anyone under 30, really. Right.

There are other registers for people over than 30, but Anthony and you know, and specifically want under 30, and they particularly want men, which is quite difficult because young men are crap at this kind of thing. Okay. But they don't realize, a lot of people think if they've got a donor card, it'll be fine, but you actually have to go on there, you sign up, they send you a swab, like, yeah,

If anyone listening and struggling with it, you can message me and I'll tell you exactly what you have to do. But yeah, it's like, yeah, so we managed to sort of tie it all together and make it into a really funny routine that plugged the Anthony Noel register, which is basically, if I do a single press interview, and I don't mention it, my sister's absolutely few. We were really. And I was like, come on, Phoebe, it was on live TV. I had a lot to think about. Yeah, yeah. So, yeah, just an absolutely bonkers time in all of our lives, particularly. for her. But what the impression I get from you and that's the lovely part of that story and journey

is that actually right from when you were a kid the performing if you like independently of it whether it's stand up or what it is is it comes from a place of joy. Yeah. You know and it's all a joyful celebration of you and what you want to present and that will always hold all the stories in your life and that includes what's happened to your sister. Yeah exactly. Yeah because even like when I was doing magic it was like for me a weird outlet from my dyspraxia because I was like well I'm not that if I can if I can work out how to shuffle a deck of cards and make one card look like too then I can certainly one day hold down a job and then it's also like well if I can get a laugh from my from ruining a trick then I can certainly get a laugh from yeah you know

once you've got the formula yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah Oh Dan, thank you so much. Thank you. Yeah, thank you. It's been so good to have you. What a journey you've been on. Just before you go, let us know where you're going to be during the Edinburgh Fringe and all the times and all the info. Yes, so the show is called Stomp.

You're not banging any binlids? Oh, thank God. I can't handle that. I wanted to bang a few binlids, but yeah, anyway. Someone else has done that. Yeah, yeah, the Stomp. Oh, we didn't even get into it. yeah so I want to say when we were the doctors a big through line of the show and this is

going to stretch his out you're going to want to talk about more but I got recently diagnosed with gout oh like a how have you got to go you're 20s more about that it's hereditary and I drink a lot of lager all right and yeah so a big fruit line is about the gout and so that's obviously right it's called stump well not obviously but yeah and yeah it's at Mb monkey barrel one

at 9 p. Oh that's such a lush room it's lovely yeah yeah it's very nice it's a dream

yeah yeah oh man you would have a great festival I was there 2019 baby you're gonna

have a lovely well and I'll definitely be all right yeah I've never heard you say anything positive but it's a really good room yeah

it is a very nice do you have a good time Jen I did like the show so I don't know that is a That's a brain for it.

I'll say something positive about it. I'll do that. But I haven't been back. So, let's end. I was a going to pandemic in your defence. Thank you. Thank you. Have a good Edinburgh.

I'll do my absolute best. I'm Max Rushton. I'm David O'Daradie. And we'd like to invite you to listen to our new podcast. What Did You Do Yesterday? It's a show that asks guests the big question. Quite literally, what did you do yesterday? That's it.

That is it. Max, I'm still not sure. Where do we put the stress? Is it what did you do yesterday? What did you do yesterday? You know what I mean? What did you do yesterday? I'm really down playing it.

Like, what did you do yesterday? Like, I'm just a guy just asking a question. But do you think I should go bigger? What did you do yesterday? Every single word this time I'm going to try and make it like it is the killer word. What did you do yesterday? I think that's too much, isn't it? That is, that's over the top.

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