Memory Lane with Kerry Godliman and Jen Brister - S03 E27: Harriet Kemsley

Episode Date: August 28, 2024

"I once spilled soup all over a woman's head..." This week we have the incredible and hilarious @harrietkemsley on the show talking about being sacked from various jobs, being allergic to vegetables, growing up on a farm and having a (not so) giant West African Snail. PHOTO 1: Wellies! PHOTO 2: My Giant (normal) pet snail PHOTO 3: Me as the Virgin Mary PHOTO 4: Rollerskating PHOTO 5: My teenage years PICS & MORE - https://www.instagram.com/memory_lane_podcast/ A Dot Dot Dot Production produced by Joel Porter Hosted by Jen Brister & Kerry Godliman Distributed by Keep It Light Media Sales and advertising enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Shop before they're gone. In-store online at Sephora.com. Kerry. Yeah. On the 12th of September, yeah. 2024, what will we be doing? We're doing a live podcast, our first live podcast.

For the London podcast festival at King's Place, and we couldn't be more excited. I only started a podcast to do live ones. Okay, well, that's the end of this advert. Well, that was short. Hello, and welcome to Memory Lane. I'm Jen Bristair, and I'm Kerry Goddlyman. Each week we'll be taking a trip down Memory Lane

with our very special guest as they bring in four photos from their lives to talk about. To check out the photos we'd be having a natter with them about, they're on the episode image and you can also see them a little bit more clearly on our Instagram page. So have a little look at Memory Lane podcast. Come on, we can all be nosy together.

I've got strong feelings on afternoon, T, do you want them? I've ever enjoyed it, but I feel like other people I go with really enjoy it, so I feel like I should just do it. But I don't really drink that much tea and I don't like cake. I don't like it. I don't like it. I always feel bloated afterwards and I'm not all that into tea.

I don't. Same. I have one cup of tea in the day. That's it. And can I say cake? I don't eat cake. I like baking, but I don't eat it. And those little sandwiches can fuck off.

Oh, but they're not really sandwiches, are they? What are they? They're just bits of bread with some cucumber in it. It's not sandwich. It feels like that spinal tap bit. What's this? Hello. I don't want that.

I want this. Yeah, what is this? I've got a friend. She doesn't live in the UK anymore, but she lived in London for about eight years, but she's from, she grew up in L.A. And then she's lived a long time in New York. So she's proper US, right?

Right. And she is quite an anglophile. She loves the UK. She's really like, I love British people, all that kind of crap, or like, fine. But she cannot get ahead around how bad our sandwiches are. Oh.

She's like, your sandwiches. What is going on with your sandwiches? Who wants crayfish in a sandwich? I said, I don't know, but we're doing it. She was like, cheese and celery. I was like, look, don't knock it till you tried it. And then I went to, I think I've told you this story. Then you had an American sandwich.

I nearly imploded. I had to like dislocate my jaw to eat it. It was the best thing I've ever had in my life. I still think about that sandwich. Yeah. It had roasted red pepper in it. It had Swiss cheese in it. It had mustard.

It had too many condiments. It was incredible. I don't think you can have too many condiments. Well, I'm telling you, I thought back to that crayfish sandwich and I dry wretched. I was like, what I'm doing? I know. When you go back to like looking at a ginsters pie or a shitty sandwich at a petrol station on your way back from a gig, you just think I'd rather just eat gravel. Who's microwaving burgers?

Who are these people? I mean, when you go abroad and see what people are eating and then come back to the UK and see the shit we're putting in. up with sometimes. It's not no wonder we look like potatoes. That's all we seem to eat. We need to like liven up our palate. Do you know I know. You're right, babe.

That's why we look beige because we only eat beige food. Anyway, we're good at other things. I can't think of any other top of my head. We're definitely good at other things. When Ben and I went on our honeymoon to New York, we had loads of recommendations eating places and we stuck to it fairly religiously. And the one time we didn't, we just, took a punt on a place. It was awful. Yeah, you can't. I felt like that in Paris. Everyone's

like, oh, go to France. The food is incredible. Well, if you don't know where you're eating in Paris, the food, I told you, I had the French onion soup problem. Did I say about that? No. French onion soup. I took two sips of it. It was like, this is not. What was the problem with the French onion soup? Okay, it was not okay. It did taste of onions. Well, the problem happened 25 minutes, half an hour later. When I was in a store with my children looking at trainers, and I went, we got to go. We have got to go. On the suit.

Oh, my God. I was like, don't talk to me. Don't look at me. Don't smile at me. Nobody get eye contact with me. Oh, shit. If an eyebrow is raised, I'm going to shit myself. Oh, God.

Oh, shit. It was so. So we were not even that actually, by the time I realized that something terrible was about to happen. We were probably about a seven or eight minute walk back to the apartment. But I said to Chloe, I don't know. I don't know what will happen. I don't have the internal muscles to deal with this. I can't tell you that this will be okay.

And if it's not, you have to promise me you won't leave me on the chance of these days. It's hard to come back from cheating yourself, isn't it? Also, Chloe said to the children, we've got to hurry back because mum is going to do a poo. was. And so that was it. Mama, are you going to put yourself? Oh, wow. We're walking down a Main Street. Oh, there's so much to unpack there. Yeah. Are you going to do a poop?

I said it's not even a poopo. I said, I can't. It's not even that. It's not even that. It's a bum suit. Liquid ass, mate. What would be, I mean, I don't know if there's a better way of handling that. I'm not sure if we were to do some learning and what would we change, guys? If we were going to workshop this, what would we change? know what I'd change. I would do what you did for New York when I go back to Paris because I've got friends who have a place in Paris so they're like, we know all the places

to eat. Yeah, don't deviate. And don't deviate from those. How do you fuck up an onion suit to the degree that it gives you the shit? I said to Chloe, as soon as it arrived, went, this doesn't look good. And then I took a sip of it. I can't eat that. And you know me.

I don't eat anything. I don't know. For a start, it was grey. Oh shit. Yeah, the right door was on the wall, early doors. So that's something we could change. Even Chloe was like, and Chloe doesn't like waste, she was like, oh, I don't think, I don't think you should eat that. And I think we should complain about this.

Oh, right. Anyway, I assist them, I can't eat this. And they went, okay. And then walked off. I thought, I don't feel like that. You're not going back to France, are you? You're not going to go back to France. I love France.

But I didn't love that French onion seat. Well, you didn't have a good holiday last year. You said it was like the zombie apocalypse. Well, I just think, where is everyone? Where the fuck is everyone? And why are the restaurants closed? four hours a day. Correct.

And then when they have a market, Jesus Christ, they come out of the cracks in the pavement. That's, you can't move in a market and the rest of the time they're gone.

Gone. Unbelievable. Like, oh, it's midday now. They've gone. Where are they? Don't talk about it. And also, I found we do lunch.

Oh, do you do lunch. What time do you do lunch? We do lunch from 12. And then until, well, until whenever you arrive and then we stop doing lunch. That's what it felt like. Yeah, no,

it does feel like a massive, Massive gaslighting nation. Also, if you're a vegetarian, you're properly screwed. I told you about my veggie burger. You can't. No. Oh, I'll have a veggie burger, please. Why not?

It's salad in a bun. Oh, no, that's bad. That's not. Where's the veggie burger? No. I said, where's the burger? This is vegetarian burger or no? No, this is a salad in a bun.

Well, it's no meat. Yeah. Yeah, there's no meat. But where's the burger bit? But it's invisible. It is salad in a bun. Was it French mime burger where he just mimed a burger and you had to imagine it was there? I don't know how good my French accent is.

I think it might be bad. I think it was good enough for any English person. But where's the line between rude and comedy? when doing voices. I think with me, I think with me, French, all of that. I think there is no line. No line. Obviously there are lines for other accents.

But I think for other people, all accents, there's very firm lines with all of them. You're not allowed to do any of them. I have been told off for doing an impression of my mum. We're like, you can't do that. That's cultural appropriation. But that's your mum. But I said it's not because I'm not culturally appropriating my mother. She is my mother and that's how she spoke.

But it does, people get, you know, triggered by that. I try to be empathetic to those people by blocking them. You get so much shit on the internet. I am amazed that I have anyone that comes to my shows, the amount of aggressive, how aggressively people feel about me. It's quite an intense feeling. But there's a lot of love too. You take a lot of love and you take a lot of shit.

I get a lot of shit. I get a lot of shit. But as you know, I always lean into the love because that's who I am. Well, look. My higher self is saying, stop talking. Stop talking, Cal. Don't contradict her. That's what my highest self is saying.

Look, what I'm saying is, I don't, I've got, I think you get to a point where you get so much stuff that it kind of feels like, oh, that person thinks I'm a prick. And you, I'm not saying you don't feel it, but after a while you're like, oh, it's just another person calling me a prerick. You kind of go with it, you roll with it. There is a certain...

There's something on the other side of it. There's something on the other side. A serenity? A serenity. Zen Jen. There's the name of your next show. There's the name of your next show, babe. Zen Jen.

Who's going to go to that? They're like, what's... Well, it's clearly ironic. is. I'm a bit like The Optimist. Yes. Oh, please call your next show's engine because I'll be down the front.

Every single show she does. She says to something that she isn't. Oh, that's comedy. Do you see a pattern? Who are we talking to today, Kerry Godin. Okay, today we're talking to the adorable Harriet Kemsley. She's so fun. And also one of the absolute OG eccentrics on the British comedy snarker.

It's not like pretend for reals. She's the real deal. She's the real bloody deal. She has harnished the madness. Yes. She has the comedy bones and has absorbed the madness and projects it outwards to you for your enjoyment, delectation and delight.

And we love her. So this is us talking to the wonderful Harriet Kemsley. Harriet, I'm looking at your, is this your home? Yes. Oh my God. It's like something out of living, et cetera. I love it. Look at it.

What lovely best friend. Have you colour coded your books? I did a little bit. It was the lockdown thing. It's not perfect because, you know, that's a bit disgusting, isn't it? But it's kind of like grouped around the colours. Oh, only a psychopathic colour code their books. Jane's got colour coded books.

Exactly. Exactly. Yeah. Yeah, I don't want that. Yeah. Absolute psycho. But that isn't me. That is my partner.

Who is really, really zones in on, interior design and she's maximalist just in case anyone's interested in what Chloe leans into Is that just another word for hoarder? It's an absolute hoarder. Maximilism actually Kerry

Maximilism is hoarding. Maximilism is about using bright colours. They don't necessarily sometimes they might clash. It sounds like someone who doesn't throw any fucking it's the opposite of minimalism, isn't it? It doesn't check anything out. It is the opposite of minimalism. It's maximilism.

That's not what it is. is Kerry. Oh my God, never mind. It's really, like a lot of people who are into interior design will be screaming at their phones going, no, Kerry. Are you a maximalismist or a minimalist? I think it's a bit maximalist. Like, I have things I like and then I can never get rid of them and I will use them until they just die because I just, they mean something. That's great. That's what you're meant to do now, isn't it? They say, what's that kind of William Morris thing is it's got to be beautiful. You've got to love it. it or get rid of it. And if you love a lot of things, so be it. William Morris said keep it.

I think that's Mary Condo. No, William Morris said it before Condo. Oh, she's just taken over. She's just taken over William Morris. She's just plagiarized. It's outrageous. Things that had been said before. All good influencers are plagiarists. Wow. We're getting bold statements from Kerry. Wow. I mean, these are really big sort of generalisation. I just said it. There are no new ideas. No, there's no. Oh, wow. There's another one. No new ideas. Wow. Any other, anything else you want to add to that list now?

I feel like you're coming out with, you've come out strong, Kerry. Yeah. Because I just started barking at Ben and now I'm coming in with that energy. I tell you what's happened. We recorded a podcast just before you, Harry. I don't want you to think that this isn't an exclusive. You are exclusive. But what happened is nearing the end of that last one,

Kerry really needed the toilet and that really suppressed her energy. So right at the end of that podcast, she really was there was less of Kerry. And then she had a wee and now it's an explosion of energy. And that's what happens when Menopause a woman has a piss. On the way back from the Wii, I gave a bullet pointed list of instructions to bed. Wow. Yeah.

You've got a new lease of life. I didn't realize a full bladder was the thing that was holding you back, Kerry. You notice if I stop talking, I need a wee. I can't operate. Okay. You can't do it. No, exactly. Exactly.

That's fair. But I'm here now. I'm probably present and we've got the wonderful Harriet Kemsley with us. When you support Movember, you're not just fundraising. You're showing up for the men you love. Your dad, your brother, your partner, your friends. It isn't just a men's issue. It's a human one.

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Book on emirates.ca. today. Harriet, it's so lovely of you to come on the show. Your pictures are making me laugh before we've even started talking about them. You are an absolute cutie. I want to go to the first photo. I'm assuming this is the first photo. because this looks like the one where you're, yes, your youngest, and you're in your wellies.

Great wellies. And you look full of life. There she is. The gesture is like you're walking on to do live at the Apollo. In willies. You absolutely, oh, the price is right. I can't believe it. Leslie Crowford.

The price is right. Tell us about Little Harriet. Well, yeah, I think I'm just having a lovely day out. I think I'm at the zoo there. I was very into animals. I don't think this is the exact time, but I was trying to find a photo from it. I think I was a little bit older,

but we went to the zoo. There's a couple near us in Kent, like Howlitz and Portland, and I got peed on by a rhino. What? I don't think this just... How does that impact you as a child? I think it just set me up

a life of humiliation. But I think it's really good. Very humbling to be pissed on. Jen, when you're covered in rhino urine, it's really hard to have respect for yourself. It's really hard to claw that back. But what was that, was this sort of like a projectile piss from the rhino?

Yeah, I was so excited. And I got up and I was like, look, it's a rhino. And then rhinos like cock their legs. And then because I was quite small, like a dog, it came through the fence and like covered me in rhino piss. And then my mom had to take me to the toilet and dry me off under the hand dryer. Oh, because you're small and the rhino's big, so it's a proper shower. Yes.

Was that full facial rhino wig? Backslash. Oh, my God. That's traumatising, isn't it? Yeah, yeah. You can't go into a normal profession after that. No, that's going to shape your whole personality. Not a vet, because there's going to be hostility.

Yeah, definitely. Oh, it reminds me of when a dog humped my leg when I was a kid and I didn't know what it left behind. That kind of stuff is, I do, I do, I do realize. We took the kids to the zoo when they were little and two tortoises, big ones, like those mega ones, started humping. Humping. And it was really like, you could see the kids were like transfixed, troubled, amused.

There was so many feelings. And all the parents were like, is this an education or should we censor this? Is this private? Is this their intimacy? Are we all watching? This is voyeurism? But is this a nature program?

What do we all do? There was so much the process. That's what I think you have to. I mean, you know, If you're going to go to you, then people are going to hump. I'm not people. People will piss on you. Well, not people, but animals.

There's a lot going on. So you grew up in Kent. Whereabouts did you grow up? So near Canterbury, it was on a farm. My dad was a farmer and so grew up on a farm. Yeah, but hence the wellies. Hence the wellies, very prepared for that kind of stuff. But it was all because, yeah, I grew up on a farm.

But then I developed an allergy to raw fruit and raw vegetables. and I was allergic to a lot of animals. So it wasn't like a comfortable. I was always itchy. I was always like uncomfortable. So yeah, move to the city as soon as possible. So you were, this is new for me. I haven't met many people that are allergic to fruit and vegetables.

How does that manifest? So you mean, but you could eat cooked vegetables, just not raw ones. Yeah, cooked is fine. It's like my skin's allergic to what it goes on the outside. But it's so weird because I ate a lot of stuff just from the farm when I was a kid. And then as I grew up, I developed this allergy to nuts. And then, yeah, I just get covered in hives, basically. Blimey.

So what, your folks had to give up the farm because of this? No, no, they never made any concessions for me at any point. They're like, you're going to have to get some cream for that because this is our livelihood. They had, like, I've got a hyperalogenic dog and, like, I'm quite allergic to dogs. And every time they go to get a new dog and I'd be like, let's just float the idea that we could. get one that's hyperalogenic and they'd be like

we do prefer the breeds that aren't and then I just have to go outside when I got too sneezy so you know you've got to respect that you've got to respect that but yeah but you need those clever dogs on farms don't you and they're not hyperalogenic yeah yeah yeah I don't know how many dogs are hyperalogenic

and I think your parents are of that generation where they're like suck it up suck it up also come true people are not very sentimental about shit like that like my mum's dad was a pig farmer and you know he'd have gone down the canal with a sack of kittens that shit went on yeah yeah yeah my dad's got that vibe a bit yeah it's a kind of like very unsentimental kind of you know i think farmers have to have that vibe don't they they're not they can't be like oh dear

the cow's sick uh what shall we do they're like well because i'm going to have to buy a new cow stock yeah yeah yeah do your folks still live in kent yeah yeah so they're still near kentonbury yeah my um my dad yeah my dad was um a farmer and then he switched careers in his 40s and he always loved maths and he became a maths teacher. Wow. At my old school and yeah, he just loved it. That's amazing. I know because he had to like, the farm was like something that was like passed down and so he had to like do it.

But then it's actually quite difficult to kind of like sustain farming unless I think you have like a mega farm. And then yeah, he sold it and he became a math teacher and just like lived out his dream. Yeah. And how long did he do that for? I think he did that for like 10, 15 years maybe. I was so fair, so he got a big chunk of time to fulfill that dream. That's incredible. Because we did a gig together in Canterbury, didn't we?

Yes. It was so nice. And it was such a lovely gig, wasn't it? And we were all just fucking just gossiping in the green room, won't be having a lovely time? And then you went, well, I've got going to do my gig. And I was like, oh, I'll have fun. And then you were like, well, I've got family.

and suddenly you're like, I've actually got people in it know me so this is less fun now. It's your worst nightmare I just want completely anonymous I don't want anyone I know

because you're just thinking of everything in the filter of what they're thinking as you say it and you're like oh they might know this but oh yeah oh I hate gigging in front of friends and family it does change it completely I can't be doing my jokes

about chlamydia staring my dad directly in the eyes you know one of the best gigs that Ben's ever been to is when Jen had to do a show in front of Chloe's parents in Edinburgh. Ben still talks about this to this day.

That's 2011. That is 2011. One of his favourite ever, ever moments in stand-up comedy where he watched you do a whole bit about porn in front of Chloe's parents. And that's the first time they'd ever seen me do stand-up. Yeah, that was it. First time. So my in-laws came to see the show

but they'd never see me do stand-up before and the first time they see me do stand-up comedy, I have basically a 10 minutes bit. A solid massive bit. Solid chunk about porn. Like it's, and I go into why porn is shit and why it doesn't work. But then I act it out. Acting it all out, doing all the sounds.

There's a bit about lesbian porn in it. And I talk about having long fingernails like Wolverine. It's like a showdown between Freddie Kruger and Wolverine. And I'm acting it out. And then I'm having an existential crisis while I'm doing it because I know my in-laws are what you. going to go for dinner after. Yeah, I'm going to go for dinner after. Yeah, and I think that every now and again that bubbled up.

And I was like, well, I hope they're enjoying it. And yeah, yeah, that was tremendous. Wow, good times. So what kind of kid were you? I mean, were you? Because, I mean, I like to ask this. And a lot of the time with comedians, it's always like, everyone thinks comedians have spent their entire life,

like as some extrovert, just going around cracking jokes at people. But who were you as a kid? So I was very shy, I think. Like my mum said that always like I kind of like hang on to her at parties and stuff. And then I'd just get into it and it'd be time to leave. Like it's quite sad, isn't it? But then also I was like very clumsy. And it was just always getting myself into these just like situations that were just like embarrassing.

And just like I just didn't know how to like function properly, I think maybe. And then my parents were like very like kind of like quite like together, quite like prim and proper, I guess. And then I was just like this fumbling buffoon, like in the middle of, um, in the middle of this like middle class upbringing, I guess. Did they worry about that? Did they worry about you? I think, yeah, maybe a little bit.

I think my mum was just like, it was just more annoying. Like every time you lay the table, she said I'd knock over a glass and like that she'd be like, it's fine, it's fine, it's fine, but you know when someone's saying, it's fine, but they're like, is that, is that, is that discrecia? Yeah, yeah. I mean, like, it's a thing that now we all know and understand. understand but like you say if your parents didn't it it's interesting isn't it that now there's a language for that and that exactly well she said she had a friend's child that had it but she was like

oh i don't want to group her in with him um so she didn't want a label not interested in labeling that so she just never mentioned it yeah oh wow but that's really hard as a kid and you can't like if you know if you are dyspractic it's not something that you can adjust or control i mean you this is just that's just you're just saying oh she's clumsy it's like it's not yeah But I think as a parent, it must be just be like so frustrating because you're just like, is they doing, I can't understand, they're doing this on purpose. Like it can't be there. And then like, we'd get new drinks.

Everyone would sit down and then I'd spill the drink again. It'd be like, I just can't function with this chaos. Trying to have a nice meal. Let's go to your next photo because I think, I think it's this one. Is this your second photograph? Yes. What are you holding here? So that was my pet, giant West African.

snail. In hindsight, I think it might have just been a regular snail. Yeah, because it's not that big. I mean, that's a fairer small box. To be fair, if it filled that box, that would be big. But it hasn't filled the box. Did it feel the box? No, but we got sold it as a giant West African snail, but it never grew bigger than a snail. So I think it might have just been a snail. I've seen one of those big snails and they're massive. Wouldn't it fit in that box. No, no. You got a rosette for it? Yeah, I got a salient. second place, yeah. What else was this?

What got first place? I don't know. What got first place if a snail, a garden snail got second? Oh look, he's a house fly. What was the actual competition? Talk us through the event. It was brownies, as you can see, I'm wearing a brownie jumper. It was like a brownie, like, um.

Okay, because I didn't do brownies or all that. So I didn't, I didn't know them. We had to wear all the old shit. I don't like a Victorian in my brownie uniform. You're more. You're younger. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I did brownies for ages.

I didn't like, this is just like the theme of my life. I didn't get any of the, I think the only badge I got was like, it was like called like housekeeping badge or something. Yeah, I did a whole routine on this housekeeping. I did, and you had to go around an old lady's house that adjudicated you. And all that you do was make her a tea tray. It was the piece of piece. It's the easiest badge.

But there I am wobbling with the tray, you know, like, oh, I don't know if I could make this. Yeah, she's like, don't know what other badges were there. Fucking out. There's loads of badges. Oh, no. But I don't know why. I just could never get enough for. them yeah oh wow I mean because I never did it because I was like my mum tried to make me

go and I was like woodwork Marimba grouting marimba what's Marimba I'm just exaggerating I oh wow great oh you could get badges for everything you could get badges for like entertainment badge badge I got that Harriet I got that early doors I cast that as my first gig I'm so glad I did do it um what you doing I don't know probably getting my brothers in a headlock um so how so you did you enjoy brownies was that something they actually you know because that that would be more as a kid that would have been my idea of hell but was that being part of a group was that fun yeah like it was another thing like I just I wasn't very good at like making friends or something like I don't

remember like my friend from I remember going but like everything just felt like so hard like going into that kind of space I think like I definitely liked like having the snail like I like having pets and stuff I found that animals yeah displacement yeah definitely yeah yeah you're like don't look at me look at snail yeah yeah something like that you're like Wait until you see this giant snow. But yeah. I love it. I could just see you taking it on stage now in your comedy.

Like, wait, wait, wait. It's a very rare breed. But yeah, we had lots of animals. So, like, I had a pet chicken and that things like that. I liked things like that. But then the chicken died when I was eight. And that's when I became vegetarian. Because I suddenly made the connection.

connection. Yeah. And you did that at eight. And so have you been a vegetarian ever since? Ever since, yeah. My chicken died. And then we didn't like eat the chicken or anything. Like I think my dad probably would have. But we buried it in the garden. And then I just sat down to eat something. And I realized it was a cow. And I just pictured a cow in my head just looking at me. And I was like, I can't do this. And then it was obviously like quite a nonpopular decision in like a farming household to become a vegetarian. But my mum was like really good about it. Oh, that's great. Yeah, I just had part of a lot of shit for it. Because I think being a vegetarian back then, everyone was just like, oh, God, you absolutely. Yeah, it's changed, hasn't it? And which is completely different now. People are like, yeah, of course you're a vegetarian. And also, there wasn't much alternative.

Like, vegetarian food was pretty, right. Especially when you're allergic, when you're allergic to more fruit and more vegetables. Holy, holy. What were you watching? So what did your mum used to make for you? Pured apple. I ate a lot of plain pasta. Right.

A lot of plain pasta. Yeah, we'd go to restaurant for an Indian and I'd have rice and playing popadoms. It was... That is pretty strong though for a kid to stick to that. You know they've got cauliflower? My son gave up meat, like a bit older than you, maybe 10, when he was sort of 9 or 10. He watched a documentary and then he was like, I don't want to eat meat anymore. And he gave it up for a couple of years, but he did go back.

It is quite strong. And that's a real conviction of belief to stick with it right through. It just switched in my head and I was like, oh yeah, no, I can never do that. That's so admirable. But yeah, it was annoying for everyone around me, definitely. What's going on in this picture here? This is one of actually probably my favourite. Well, the next one's actually my favourite, but I can't wait to hear about all of these.

What are you wearing there, Harriet? So here I am performing as the Virgin Mary In Canterbury Cathedral It was the weirdest summer So I decided I was like quite into acting And I think it was a way that I could like Connect with people And I'd like have these like strong things

And I felt like I could like kind of speak my mind But I thought I was like a serious actor But I didn't really understand what I was talking about And then yeah I got cast in this play and Edward Woodward was God. So he was like my boyfriend, basically. The Equaliser? The Equaliser.

What? That's insane. Hang on. We need to dig in. The real Edward Woodwood. The real Edward Woodward was God, aka my lover. And then...

Why was he short of work? Why was he doing? No, he would have been doing it for the community. He would have been a local celebrity that was asked. He's not the equaliser. It's not the equaliser all the time. He always had a life. I think he was quite well paid.

So he didn't have to do much. He was kind of the voice and then he'd kind of like, like he'd wander around a little bit. And then this guy, Daniel, who was like this heartthrob of the time, he was in Neighbors. And he was, he played Jesus. And so it was like so exciting. Yeah.

And you were married? Yeah, and I was men to have a song. And then they heard me sing and they had to cut it. And that was sad. Oh, Harry, how was that? How did you feel when they cut the song? You're done saying it. There was silent.

And then the director went, You sing like a fish. And then, uh, Oh, my God, that's harsh. I wasn't allowed to sing anymore. That is harsh. So that was nice. But yeah,

no, we have to cut this. It's not fair. I think they should have kept it in. You genuinely do, like, you have made a discovery through this, haven't you? Because you do look happy. And even though you might be adjacent

to comedy, you're getting towards your tribe, aren't you? And your vocation. Yeah, I think so, I think so. And like, it meant because I had this job working at Debenhams in the Children's Wear Department. And you've got £4 an hour. And I was just really bad at it. And I'd worked there for a year. And then there was a bit of a disagreement where I turned up

after an all-night rave dressed as a pirate. and then it was really bad. I felt asleep like vomiting and left the whole shop floor like unattended. Oh my God. And then it was like kind of agreed that I should leave. And it was like the way you praised that. They sacked you, Harriet. It was kind of agreed that I should leave.

They got fired me and I agreed to go. It was a mutual decision. We both decided it was best for the company. Moving forward, let's say moving forward. Came into the company. How old were you in this picture then? I'm trying to figure out. So I'm 16.

It's a real mix where I'm like... Half child, half bad off. Yeah, living this chaotic life and then also wanting to do this like serious acting kind of thing. Yeah. Yeah, so it was yeah, very confusing. Oh, wow. I love it. I mean, story, people that do what we do,

they've got these stories back from when they used to try and hold down a proper job. And the conversations you have. have with people like supervisors or managers. I remember doing a shift once at waitressing and it was awful. I was really bad, really bad. I spilled wine and dropped soup and all of it. And I remember afterwards this trial shift, the manager sort of saying to me, how do you think that went?

And we all know when someone says that to you after a gig, what they mean. No, it's training speak for your shit, but I'm not going to say it. So how do you think that went? I had that so much. I once built soup all. over a woman's head. Like she was at a business lunch

and then I was working at the tea rooms in Canterbury and I, it was this green soup and I tripped. I don't know how it happened. Oh, how? It was like she got guns and she was completely covered in soup

and she was so angry because it was what? She's got a hot soup in a scalp. Oh my God. And then she started shouting at me and then I ran into the kitchen and started crying and then she came in and she was like wiping soup off her.

She's like, no, I am sorry that I yelled. It's just I am covered in soup in the middle of the day and I have to go back to work. Oh my God, I love it. I love it and then she apologised. She apologised to me, yeah. That's very British though, isn't it? I'm sorry that I was upset.

But can you understand where I'm coming from? And then did you come to a mutual understanding after that shift that maybe you might not go forward? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then I tried to work at a bar in Canterbury and I was friends with them and they gave me a trial shift and during the trial shift you had like the recipes for cocktails

and so I made this like cocktail because it said like two times Smirnoff, no it said like six times Smirnoff in fact to make these jugs of cocktails so I was pouring in the Smirnoff Isis and then I got to like five and a half in and I was like they don't all fit in the jug and they were like Harriet it's vodka

like Smirnoff vodka and I just wasted like all of the Smirnoff Isis and they were like she doesn't have the quick decision And then my sister actually got the job there. So that was sad. It's so hard by handing those jobs down. Harriet, you could never have got a job doing anything else. I don't know how to tell you.

We're not employable. None of us can do jobs. I've said this before on this podcast, but there isn't a job that I started that I wasn't sacked. No. Eventually. People just went, you're not good. I know.

Anything we've got to be really nice to the public? It's like, well, that's going to be a challenge. I was a receptionist. I was a receptionist. Can you believe this, Harriet? I had to greet people at reception. You were the welcoming face of the company. Oh, my God.

The guy who was the guy who was the chief exec of this company came up to me once and went, you are the rudest woman I have ever met. And I went, have a nice day. I said something like, have a nice day. Anyway, I got sacked that day. And when I got sacked, I was surprised, genuinely surprised that I got sacked. I think I'd said to him that he'd been looking at himself in the mirror and went, oh, your hair looks amazing, as always.

And he went, and then he came up to me, he went, you are the rudest woman I've ever met. And then I got sacked after basically slagging off the chief exec. To his face. When I got to his face, when I got sacked, the surprise, the genuine surprise. Oh, I can't believe it. I might as well have called the chief exec's a bit of a cunt. And then gone, what, I just don't understand? What happened?

It happens all the time. It happens all the time. It's a joke. Anyway, no, I couldn't, I couldn't ever hold those jobs down. It's so hard. It's so hard. I don't think we're meant to, and that's why we're doing this. I do recommend working for the NHS, though, because I think they can't fire you.

Because that was my last job before I did stand up, and I was so bad. And so often the boss, you were so sweet. You should have to take me into a room and be like, is there anything I can help you with? What do you think is... But they're bound up in too many employment laws. They can't sack you. They can't sack you. Three months into the job, I was like, I've been there for three months.

You had to fax over the information over to the other hospital. Of the patient's employment. Oh my God, you had really important responsibility. Yeah, you had to fax it over. And three months of a job, my colleague came over and said, Harriet, what are you doing? And I was like, I'm just faxing it over to the hospital. And he said, Harriet, that's the photocopier. And so for three months I'd just be going like, boom, boom, boom,

making a copy and just walking off. Just walking off. That'll do. That's next level. Playing the working girl theme tune in your head. In the big city, there she goes. With a lunchbox. You know what's better than the one big thing?

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It's hockey season and you can get anything you need delivered with Uber Eats. Well, almost, almost anything. So no, you can't get a nice rank on Uber Eats. But iced tea, ice cream, or just plain old ice? Yes, we deliver those. Goaltenders, no, but chicken tenders, yes. Because those are groceries, and we can't. deliver those too, along with your favorite

restaurant food, alcohol and other everyday essentials. Order Uber Eats now. For alcohol, you must be legal drinking age. Please enjoy responsibly. Product availability varies by region. See app for details. What's going on in this picture? Because this is my favourite, where you're lying on the floor. What have you got in your hand?

Oh yes. I think there's just cigarettes have fallen all over my face. Harriet, where are you? Are you at Edinburgh? No, I think I'm actually at a Roller Disco there. Roller Disco? Oh, you shouldn't be on roller skates. No, absolutely not.

Holy crap, Harriet. What the fuck? How did you even get them on? I'm just falling completely. But I'm like, love. I'm just having the time of my life. You do look like you're having a lot of fun. Yeah.

So that was like my teenage years basically were just, um, we're just chaos just like going out and getting so drunk and just falling down all the time. I've, I had like literally five of these photos. I was like picking through like which one to send of me just on the ground. Um, And so, but what's so interesting is I was looking back at all my photos and like we just didn't use to take like selfies so much, you know?

And so I've all my photos are like other people and the quality is so poor. Bad. All of them, it's like they're hardly in the photo where it's like so grainy. Is this taken with a camera though or you can't work out age wise? Is this pre or post smartphones? So this is actually, so I think this is, that must be a disposable camera I think. Hence the quality. Yeah.

It's so good. I mean just the chaos. You're like your tops Like your bra is higher than your top My brow is always falling out Yeah You look like you're going to strangle yourself With that chain handbag

It's just chaos My friend Sam said it always looks like My clothes are just about to fall off But they just cling on there somehow That was my teenage years, no 20s Where are you living when you were living this life Were you still in Kent? So yeah

So that was in that was in Ken And yeah, we'd sneak out to like the nightclubs in Canterbury. And yeah, go out, go out when I was like really young. Like we're getting into like clubs and stuff and I was like 14, 15. Yeah. And because my friend's mum worked nights. And so we'd pretend we were staying at hers. And then we'd just go out and sneak in places.

So it was very fun, but it was also quite tiring. Yeah. And you're working as well? I worked in theatres for a bit, like when I was at uni. And then knowing... Doing what in the theatre is being a stage hand or an usher? Yeah, I did a bit of ushering at the lyric in Hammersmith

and I worked in development at the... You said that as if you didn't really believe that you were doing that. Yeah, like I think... They hired me for this role to put all this stuff into the computer and I think I might have done it wrong. But I was there... I think you did it wrong, Harriet.

It extended for months and I loved the job. So I was like, this is great. great but then when it finished they were like did you do and i was like m-mm and then they were like okay see you later did you what did you do at uni what was your degree so i spent a year in new york when i was 19 oh wow at drama school there i actually don't have a picture i should have a picture from that i think right that was a mistake what got you to new york so it was to go to drama school so i thought i wanted to be a serious actor but then every time i did it people laughed but I like really thought that that was my thing

and then I didn't really understand the plays and stuff and so people would talk about it and I'd like repeat something that someone had said to me in and they'd disagree with it and I'd be like fuck like and I'd take that opinion and pass that on and then they'd be like no I disagree and I'm like god damn it I can't get it right but yeah the year in New York was so fun it was like crazy

and but that's such a great city to be in at 19 it was amazing because I just like left Canterbury and I just moved, I was sharing a dorm room with this girl I'd never met before, this tiny room in the middle of the New Yorker hotel. They have like two rooms. Yeah, they have two floors for students, which like, it was like, there were like cockroaches and mice. Like it was like chaos. But we moved into this tiny room in the middle of New York and it was like the funnest year ever.

But I think I realized that it was never going to be a sustainable option. And like I'd save some money before I went, but it was like I couldn't like get a loan. I couldn't manage to find work. out there. Because the visas and all that stuff. Yeah, and so it was meant to be three years, but I was like, I don't think I'm going to leave this. Did you find stand up in New York?

No, so I came back, and then I did this degree, and I was, like, doing bits with, like, the National Youth Theatre and just, like, doing, like, random plays here and there. And then I left uni. Like, I wanted to go to drama school, and I just, in London, and I just couldn't get in. They kept saying, like, you need more life experience. Like, I was just, like, this awkward, like, kind of sheltered kid.

And, um... You've been to New York. the fuck life experience do they want? I know, exactly. But I mean, still, I was just like, I couldn't, I wasn't very good. Come back when you've lost a family member. I mean, yeah, it was like that. Like, I was just like a bit sheltered.

I was just like a bit odd. And I didn't know how to really express myself very well. And also I wasn't really a serious actor. Like that was the thing. Like that wasn't the path for me. And then, and then, yeah, my parents, um, were watching live at the Apollo. And I started to do bits of writing and stuff.

And then they, uh, they said, we think, you should try doing stand-up, that stupid things always happen to you. Yeah, I've never met another comic whose parents have suggested it. I've never, ever met anybody whose parents have suggested stand-up comedy to them, just because it's, most people don't even think it's a proper career. Yeah, they're so supportive and nice, and I think also, you know, it was a bit like, what else is she going to do? Like, there's really no, like everything else was here.

Yeah. That got the idea from their mum and dad. That's just very unique. they were just like yeah stupid things just always happened to you and it's like really funny and yeah they watched the apollo and they said you just go do it and like don't tell anyone because i felt i was so embarrassed and i was such good advice it was so good because i just went out i didn't tell my housemates i just like sneak out and do it and it was such that is the best advice don't tell anyone was it like a light bulb i was like a bit confused because i didn't really

know anything about stand-up like i'd watched a little bit when i was in new york but it was like it was like it was i didn't really kind of hadn't really seen anyone like me that much I guess and then I started googling it and started to see more like female comics and when I was working at the lyric I saw Sarah Milliken um she was on I saw Tony Law as well and it was like oh they're like maybe a bit more like me maybe and um I just felt like yeah and so then I yeah I just googled it booked a set and went and did it and then wow yeah just felt right straight away yeah yeah I just I just loved it and let's have a look at your next photo I think there's one photo. I think we might have skipped

this one. Well, this is maybe more my teenage years. Yeah, this is my friend Sennini, who's whose house, we'd say that her mom work night, so I'd stay, I was staying there and then we'd just go out dancing. And yeah, we're just having, we went to I think, I think that might have been when we went to

New Key, but we also went to Liel together on a trip and what, you just fucked off to Liel together? Well, we went with her parents. Bye, mum, we're just going to the shops. Should we go to Liel? We went with her mom and her stepdad and then they would go to bed and we'd sneak out. We'd get this one euro, like, sparkling wine and try and like pop it in our hotel room without them hearing because it was next door. And then we'd go out partying in Leal as teenagers.

Are you still mates? Yeah, she lives in Norbury actually. So she's, yeah, yeah, yeah, down the road. So what are you up to? What are you up to now? What are you up to at the moment, Harriet? So, yeah, got a new show. It's called Everything Always Works Out for me

Because last year it didn't And I'm going to Edinburgh for the first two weeks And then I'm touring it after that, yeah When does your tour start? So it starts in September Going all over Oh wow so they're straight in Yeah September to November

So yeah it's all on my website Harrietkemseey.com If anyone is interested Is it a big tour? Are you doing a mega one? Are you going to do into next year? I think might do some more dates into next year Yeah

Great Harriet, thanks so much for coming on. Thanks, guys. It was so nice to chat to you. I'll probably see you around now that I know you're down the road. Sorry, Jen. You live in Brighton. You've made your choices.

I live in Brighton, so I've made more choices. Yeah. You swim in the sea, babe. She's only saying that because she's jealous. So lovely to see you both. Thank you so much for having me on. Thank you for coming. Oh, pleasure.

Thanks for coming, Harriet. Emotional. Oh, fucking hell, Joel. in recording this, like an absolute cunt. I'm so sorry. I've got jumped... Any of it? No. Whoa.

Oh my fucking God. I'm so sorry. This is classic. This is a classic. I'm so sorry. Are you recording now, Jane? I mean, Joel said don't bother. Okay, so we're just going to push through with the quality being bad.

He said it will look weird and sound weird, sorry, if all of a sudden the sound quality is improved because we're just we're just embracing yeah shitness we're just embracing the fact that we've got this far into the record and I've only just realized I haven't pressed record on I really am glad you fucked up because when I fuck up it's like oh you're useless when you fuck up oh it's just a little glitch we all accept it we all accept that accidents happen that's what happens but we don't accept it when I make mistakes I think you're fine. I think you find that we do accept it.

We have a lot of derision, don't we? We have a lot of judgment. So enjoy some aspects of you fucking up. Otherwise, what's the point? Okay. And now is your time to shine. And now, oh my God, I feel so smug. I feel so smug.

Because you fucked up. Yeah, I did. And I'm going to own it. I'm going to own it. I'm going to apologize. to the listeners and say to every single listener, go on. The sound quality in this episode has been appalling.

And why? And that is because of me. Okay, fine. It's because of me and my shortcomings as a human being because I forgot to press record on the software that would have enabled this to sound pleasant. Okay, you're overregging it now. And the key word is...

I'm sorry. Yeah. Okay. To the listeners. To the listeners. And me and Joel. Mainly the listeners. Joel's shaking his head. Don't throw me under a bus.

I'm Max Rushden. I'm David O'Darney. And we'd like to invite you to listen to our new podcast. What Did You Do Yesterday? It's a show that asks guests the big question. Quite literally, what did you do yesterday? That's it. That is it.

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