Memory Lane with Kerry Godliman and Jen Brister - S03 E32: Joe Marler

Episode Date: October 2, 2024

"This is where I first fell in love with rugby... But you can clearly see I also fell in love with the cakes..." This week we have the bad boy of rugby @joemarler17 - he isn't actually the bad boy of rugby but we've called him that so we are sticking to it. Joe was such a delight! We talked about his wedding day, his kids, rugby Although not very succinctly), Japan and burning his johnson on a UV lamp... Plus loads more. Joe's podcast Things People Do is brilliant and well worth a listen and subscribe! https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/joe-marlers-things-people-do/id1533107619 And follow on social: @thingspeoplepod We also have @kerryagodliman and @jenbristercomedy talking about the seasons and Kerry's son calling her 'Kerry Godliman'. PHOTO 1: Rugby PHOTO 2: Semi naked in Japan PHOTO 3: My Family in a puddle PHOTO 4: My wedding day PHOTO 5: Things People Do Podcast at the Palladium  PICS & MORE - https://www.instagram.com/memory_lane_podcast/ A Dot Dot Dot Production produced by Joel Porter Hosted by Jen Brister & Kerry Godliman Distributed by Keep It Light Media Sales and advertising enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This episode is brought to you by Peloton. A new era of fitness is here. Introducing the new Peloton Cross Training Tread Plus, powered by Peloton IQ. Built for breakthroughs, with personalized workout plans, real-time insights, and endless ways to move. Lift with confidence, while Peloton IQ counts reps, corrects form, and tracks your progress. Let yourself run, lift, flow, and go. Explore the new Peloton Cross Training Tread Plus at OnePeloton.ca. Is it the macha or am I this energized from scoring three Sephora holiday gift sets?

Definitely the sets. Full size and minis bundled together? What a steal. And that packaging? So cute. It practically wraps itself. And I know I should be giving them away, but I'm keeping the summer Fridays and rare beauty by Selena Gomez. I don't blame you. The best holiday beauty are only at Sephora. Gift sets from summer Fridays, rare beauty, way and more are going fast. Get full-sized favorites and must-have minis bundled for more value.

Shop before they're gone. In-store online at Sephora.com. Hello and welcome to Memory Lane. I'm Jen Bristair and I'm Kerry Godleman. Each week we'll be taking a trip down Memory Lane with our very special guest as they bring in four photos from their lives to talk about. To check out the photos we'd be having a natter with them about, they're on the episode image and you can also see them a little bit more clearly on our Instagram page, so have a little look at Memory Lane podcast.

Come on, we can all be nosy together. Autumn Equinox, what is Autumn Equinox? Autumn Equinox. it's officially now autumn. So it's just autumn then? Yeah, but what I don't like, and I'm trying to combat, is people getting like, they think it's winter as soon as summer ends. It's like, whoa, there, there's autumn.

Yeah, I love autumn. I love autumn. And there's an official beginning to autumn, which is this week, which is the autumn equinox. And it's better if you see the year seasonally, rather than just in this binary summer, winter situation. Yeah. This spring and there's autumn and there's all these little subchapters. And that's where we're at now, autumn equinox.

When you say subchapters. I know, I made that shit. I don't dwell on that. And what do you like about autumn? What? This is fucking content, mate. Not everyone likes it. I love awesome.

Who doesn't like autumn? People don't. It's a new school year. Right? Like New Year, January vibes, but in September. January vibes do nothing for me. No, I've never started a new year going, it's a new dawn, it's a new day. I've gone, it's fucking January.

But that's how you approach September. That's how you start, awesome. That's how it. No. Autumn is like, it's autumn. And now it's a new school year. And now I feel like this is when my work year begins. I mean, a new work year, September, boom.

Because it used to be, Edinburgh finished. That closes the year. And now September is the new school year. And I still think of September as the school year. And in this new school year, there's hope, there's dreams, there's ambitions. I'm not comfortable with this version of your project. No way to stay with me. And there is a new chapter.

A new dawn, a new day, a new chapter and a new vision and new world. She said, this is for new you. I don't know who you are. I am embracing autumn. You asked me about autumn and I'm giving it to you. Yeah, and your initial reaction was, well, and then you went into this soliloquy. That's the only way I can describe what you just did. It was a soliloquy to autumn.

You've created a catalyst. I was moved. I didn't even know you were going to, I didn't even know you talking about autumn was going to open that all up. Yeah, but it has. Wow, it's powerful stuff, man. Yeah. Did you feel a connection to that? I did.

I caught them. What are your feelings on spring? I'm indifferent. You know what? People aren't talking about enough. Oh, seasonal feelings. Because different people like different seasons.

They do. This is a podcast. I know that some people hate summer and they love winter. They love it. And some people love winter. Summer and hate winter. It's incredible how people have different opinions about different things, isn't it? Yeah.

It's like everyone's different. Are you implying I'm licking the barrel for shit to talk about? I really feel like the barrel is like, you've got a splinter in your tongue right now. Would you like to ask me? Yes, I'd love to know your feelings about this midsummer. I've always been someone who loves summer. Everything feels possible in the summer. I like all the length of the day.

I like the light. I like the gardening. I like the leaves. I like the flowers. I like all the colours. Yeah. That's my time of year, babe. That's when I shine.

You do shine in summer and you always have a very positive glow. Yeah, man. Yeah. I would say that your aura in the summertime is definitely a positive aura of which I don't know what that colour is. But let's say orange or purple. It could be green or blue. I don't know what a positive aura is. But you are giving that off, but only in the summer.

Yeah. And in the winter I'm less. Yeah. You're a downer. You're a real downer. My birthday is a winter. So is mine. Mine's in February.

Oh yeah. That's a tricky. I mean, by February, everyone's gone while we might as well just throw ourselves off a cliff. No, I thought they're in February. Yeah, my daughter's birthdays of February. So you're right. It's tough to sell that one.

Unless you live in Australia. Boom. And then beach times. And then beach vibes. Right. Beach vibes, it's summer in February. Maybe that's when I should go to Australia. Yeah.

I do seem to be penduluming around. That's not a word I know. I don't know. I do seem to be swinging back and forth like a pendulum on the topic of Australia. Really? Yeah, whether to go, whether to not go. I think you will go.

When? I think you'll get a job and you'll go. I predict, and I'm saying it on this podcast and everybody can go, Jen Brister predicted that this will happen and it has happened because of her prediction. It is that you will go to Australia. That you will spend quality time in that country and that you will have a part in a television show stroke movie. There, I've made it. Baz Luhrmann, if you're listening.

we have I don't think I don't think Bazan never makes films in Australia anymore I'm sure he does He's just Hollywood now

Of course he does He's every now and get all his biopics He often goes Nip back to Australia Make a cheeky little film Back to Hollywood But he'll do it

He made a film called Australia In Australia With Nicole Kiddon And other Australians Huge Ackman I thought he meant Hugh Dennis

Not Hugh Dennis Hugh Jackman Yeah, you're a huge gentleman, yeah. He's taken off, isn't he? He's done very well recently, isn't he? Before, who was he? Who was Wolverine? Nobody.

Can I just say these new glasses? They're not new glasses, but they are old glasses because I brought my other glasses. Are they some of the ones you got, like, for free from, like Kirstama, like freebie's handouts, glasses? Oh, don't start. You're like Kirstarmer. I want, MP. Taking a back and her off-speck savers, mate. It wasn't a backander.

I got paid to do a job and I had to wear glasses and I wasn't going to blinking pay for them. And so they said, have some free glasses. And that's how it starts. It's how it starts. And, well, you've actually... Now my political career is over. Thanks to you, Kelly Godman.

Yeah, because you're taking favours. What I should have done... Corporate favours, mate. What I should have done is create a contract that doesn't exist. Take some of me need to get on to Keir Stama about that gig. Oh, God. Anyway, who are we talking to today, Jen?

Kerry Goddeman, we are talking to... Before you go on, can I just say, my son now has started calling me Kerry Goddlyman. So when I walk into a room, Frank goes, all right, Carrie Godleman, I feel like I'm doing live at the Apollo. Every time I walk into a room in our house, here she is, Kerry Godleman, I'm your mum. What's this?

That is weird. It's so weird. Why is it doing that? I don't know, he's a teenager now. I don't know what's going on. Is it like to wind you up? It's a little bit to warm me up. You know when boys suddenly call their mum mother,

oh hello, mate her, that chapter. We're into that now. I had that chapter with my mum. I used to call her mother and she'd be like, don't call me my dad. Yeah, he's like a kind of like we're doing a sort of game, like a role play thing. Oh hello, Kerry Godleman.

I'm like, what happened to Mum? Just call me Mum. Anyway. I might ask you Carrie Goldman. Yeah, you could call me Carrie Goddman. It just seemed needlessly long. Anyway, who are we talking to today? Well, Ms. Godlyman.

Tonight we are talking to. No, today we are talking to this was a really joyful conversation with the, and I'm going to say it, bad boy of rugby. He won't like that. I don't care, I'm saying it. Joe, I hope you're listening to this

because I've said it and what are you going to do about it? Nothing you can do. Joe Marla. I so enjoyed this chat. It was really fun. So much fun. I thought, oh, we're going to have to talk about sport and it's not one of my struggle.

No. We barely talked, well, we did talk about it, But in a way that I didn't predict. Yeah. I thought he was just so fun and open and brilliant stories. Great stories. This was a lot of fun. So sit back, relax, enjoy the big guy, Joe Marla.

We're with the bad boy of rugby. Is that right? The bad boy of rugby. Yes, a little bit, aren't you? Come on. You want that narrative. No, I don't want that narrative. Well, I do.

I don't. I don't want that narrative. This is what I'd be. told that you... Who's your source? What? For fuck sake. What do you mean who's my source? You said that's what I've been told.

Just what? People who are rugby fans have told me that you're the bad boy of rugby? That's not true. Okay, well what is it then? I've just done some bad things sometimes. Oh, that's a rephrasing of the same thing. If ever I heard it. Well, no, I've just been a bit of a wanker. Yeah.

Haven't equal the bad boy of rugby. That's what you want. That's fine. That's what bad boys are. It's a great, it's a moniker. It's a good one's bad. Lean into it. Not when your four kids are going, why are you called the bad boy rugby when you're always telling us we can't do shit like that?

And yet you're doing it every fucking week. Yeah, I mean that will, that will come up a lot. How old are your kids now? 10, 8, 5 and 3. Oh my God, 10. 10 is when they're like, you're a loser. Yeah, he hates me. And he's also a gobshite.

Where does he get that from? Yeah, cool. So it's quite hard to go back at him when he's like, you're basically the same people. Joe, it's really lovely to have you here. Yeah. Sorry about what we're bad boy rugby. No, I love it.

What's the first photo? Is this you playing rugby? I don't know. You sent them to your photos. I've said them. I've said them. I've said them. Right, yes.

That is, well, I just thought you don't want to talk. If you're going to get me on, you're talking a bit about rugby, are you? Can I just say in the spirit of transparency, I don't know anything about rugby? Which is surprising, seeing as you're from Ealing. Oh, is that a big rugby place? Well, that's where wasps who were a big rugby team used to...

Oh my God. I did say. I'm not offended that you don't know that. Well, what are they? What are they? They were a big team. They used to win the European Cup and... They used to train in Acton.

I know acting. There you go. Anyway, what are Wasps? They're a team. They used to be a team, but unfortunately they folded actually. Did they? Yeah, about a year ago. Yeah, I bet you were.

Anyway, let's get me up at night. Oh, that was just a picture. of me playing rugby where I fell in love. That was when I first fell in love with the sport. But you can clearly see I also had falling in love with cakes at the same time

because I look back at it and I go fuck Jesus Christ I enjoyed the food well I still do enjoy the food. It's also a bit mental how much Lycra I've got on. There's very little skin you can see. You've got Lycra shorts on but other than that. Well that's to stop chafing

Is that what that's for? Yeah really. stop chafing. Right for the thighs? Yeah. Is rugby out of all the sports, the one where you are allowed to eat what you like? I would argue that is still the case.

Nutritionists at the club and England would suggest otherwise. Oh, okay. But I still push back on that. I'm like, the sport is for all shapes and sizes. Right, it's an inclusive sport. Yeah, it's important that you still have people that are all shapes and sizes,

which is why I'm going to tuck into this burger in front of you. Right. And it didn't ever hold you back, the cakes. Clearly not. If anything, it helped. You know, mass moves mass. That was always my angle. Right, right. The heavier I am, the harder it is to move me.

Right. And how old are you in that picture? I'm about 12. Oh my God, you're tall. You're massive. I don't mean in like, wait. Oh, my God, you're tall. Well, I can't tell our belief. But really, you wanted to go, oh my God, you're so fat.

No. But you're not. My next thing that was going to say is I don't actually think you are fat at all in that. Oh, that is so nice. Fuck off. I love the backtrack, I love it. Did you start playing for a team? Yeah, that was playing for Eastbourne.

Apply named sharks, you know, because of the sea. Oh, I see the wasp thing now. It's all like animals and creatures, sharks, wasps. I mean, that's not necessarily the theme. Are there any other of those kind of creatures? There's Newcastle falcons. Falcon, there you go. Actually, you might have a thing here.

I've not twigged on this. Barth are just bar. Bath. Bath of Bath. What could you have? Barth, bears? Bears, yeah, bears. They're Bristol. See, there's animals involved and insects. That's probably the team I'd support. Bath beavers.

Listen, why, so tell us when you first discovered rugby. Where, when? Well, then, sort of. 12. I used to play football up until then. But mainly I'd just be putting the goal. I couldn't do much of the moving. And I used to take up most of the goal.

So I was a good goalkeeper. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's stopping it, even if he's not watching. We can't score past him. It's fine. And then, but I also was a really angry kid. Oh. Really angry.

I'd always be lashing out and hitting my sisters with things and doing, they'd try and channel this anger into stuff. So, like, my parents would take me to karate to try and get rid of it. But I'd come home and then just beat up my sisters, all the new moves. Yeah, you've had skills then. Yeah. Still got the anger and now got the skills.

Yeah. And then... The angle is the issue, but carry on. Therapy might have been... Don't think they were willing to admit any of that or get down that, right? And then they try like, oh, why don't you do colouring or gardening or something like that? And here's a gardening set. And then next minute I've hit my sister over the head with a mini rake.

Yeah. It didn't work. And then a mate of mine played rugby down at Eastbourne. He was like, oh, you're a big lad. and you're really angry that kind of suits rugby, why don't you come and play rugby? And I was like, this is great because it was like a legalised way of assaulting people.

Yeah. That's what I loved. And being assaulted. Yeah, just getting in the mixer all the time. Every Sunday I would just be desperate to get down there to fill someone in or get filled in. What's that mean? What does that mean?

Getting filled in? Yeah. What do you mean? I've never heard that expression in my life. If you fill someone in. Is that mean, get, get, beat the fuck out of you. Right, right. Are you never, get filled in?

No, never heard of it. I mean, actually, in hindsight, if you think about it, I could be talking about sex. Or colouring in. I mean, there's a million things. It's not, I've never used that in a sexual context. We might now, now going forward. Also, I'm going to go home to my wife and say, thanks to get filled in tonight. Yeah.

And that'll go down like a fucking shit sandwich, right? exchange. I've heard this is the best way to talk to you now. This is dirty talk. I spoke to two middle-aged women who suggested this was the best way to woo you. I'm here to woo you, yes. Well, so you went down and got filled in. And I loved it.

I just felt, yeah. And then you were like, this is who I am now. This is rugby, I loved it. But rugby's such a, oh my God, when I watch it, because my brother used to play it and like he got his teeth knocked out. He used to come back with black eyes, his ear. He came back once his ear, the inside of his ear was bleeding. Yeah.

Right, you're saying this is normal. Okay. It sounds horrible. It just, but he loved it as well. I think for the same, same reasons that you, that you loved it. And he couldn't, like he would really miss it if he didn't do it. But to watch it as somebody that cares about the person playing it, it's quite painful. Did your family fully support it?

Were they like, yeah, get in, they get filled in. Yeah, they loved it. My dad used to play. So when you started playing and getting good, You moved like your, what, career? Is that a word you'd use? Yeah, I moved out when I was 16. Wow.

Up to London. Because you were scouted, were you? Scouted by Queens. Hala Queens? In Twickenham? In Twickenham. And that's quite impressive, isn't it? Yes.

I've heard of Twickenham. I've heard of Twickenham. I've heard of Twickenham. I've heard of rugby. Because it's an actual town, baby. No, I know, but I know it's got a rugby vibe. It's by the river. No, but I know people play rugby there.

Yeah. You were on the junior team? Is that right? I was in the academy. moved up when I was 16, moved in with a family, moved in with her family for a year, then moved into the full-time academy with a couple of the other boys. That's massive, isn't it? That's so young. Norbiton? Do you know Norbiton?

I grew up in Norbiton. I grew up, I grew up in Norbiton. Was it quite fancy? It's quite a fancy little patch, isn't it? Nice big houses. It was a nice house, but it was an academy house. It was just filled with academy boys that are just out of school. Four of them, three of them were private school boys. Yeah. And then there was me. Right. Were you wild? Oh, yes, come on. Wild.

That's just where the bag boy shit started. Yes. You were getting paid. Yeah. You were money in your pocket. 16, getting paid. 16, 17. Going out to prison.

And it was Oceana at the time. Oceana. Oh my God. O'Shanna got filled in. Everyone got filled in at Oceana. By the bounces in that one. And then chucked in the back of a police van. Oh.

Why isn't there a picture of that night? I didn't stop to ask him to just get a picture of me here. But basically that was your lifestyle at that time. That was live. I was playing rugby. We were going out all the time and just loving it. It was a big fat rugby loving kids dream of playing professional sport. So young.

Getting paid for it and thingy. Was it young? Yes. So at this point when you were about 17? 17, 18 now? Yeah, I think 1718. You were still a kid. Yeah, it's young.

Yeah. You must have been ecstatic as well. I mean, that must be. I was loving life, mate. It was great. Yeah. I mean, like, very few people at that age get to do the thing they love the most that they've always wanted to do as the career. Oh, no, I didn't always want to do it. I wanted to be like... Okay. What?

I always, I don't know, I wanted to be a cocktail shaker, like a barman. You wanted to be, I thought... What, more than rugby? You wanted to... I never really wanted to play rugby. I loved playing rugby. Yeah. But I was never, I never was like, I'm going to... be a professional rugby player. That wasn't your dream?

I won't my dream. What, even when you're in the academy? Did you not... No, even when I was in the academy, even now, I'm like, fucking hell, how have I managed to do that, like, were my way out for this long? I'm like, this is fucking great. I'm not very good at rugby.

Well, that can't be true, John. You play for England and you play four of the premiership teams. Wait, wait for the smoke, home smoke being grown up the owner. I'm not very good at the sport, but I am fucking world class at making other people shit at it. And that's why rugby is so good for all shapes and sizes. There's a room for anyone, a role in rugby.

And I'm very good at winding up the opposition and putting them off their game. And I'm more than happy to make that my role whilst occasionally filling someone in because I've got a big back. But haven't you just described being a rugby player? I mean that's the sport isn't it Yeah but it's changed now They're all getting really good at passing And catching and kicking and But you have a set

You have... They're like, oh they want to play with the ball And I'm like, I don't give a shit about the ball I just want to feel that blowing The Trump That just sounds like part of the sport though I think it is It is but I guess it's getting less in less now

It sounds like a little bit of like Imposter syndrome Right Like you're a bit kind of There's an identity I just, you fast forward from the 17 year old who was loving life to then the 30 year old who's got three or four kids and you played. Three or four? I don't know how many had it 30.

So I was covering all bases. Okay, you get to 30. And I'm like, how the fuck have I done this for last 17 years? Yeah. It's like, oh God. Well, you have. Yeah, and it's been great. We have.

It's been fucking wild. So did you play, have you played for? So you play for Harlequins for your entire career? And you've also, how many caps have you had for England then? 95. Fucking old. I mean, that's not someone who's not good at rugby, Joe. That is not someone who's not good at rugby.

Well, that's really kind of you. There's me just fishing for the contest. We're on to you, mate. From two people that have no idea about the sport. So it doesn't, yeah. If I've read your wiki page, I do. I know a little bit. I've read your wiki page.

Are you 34 or 35? I'm 50. Hang on, sorry. Sorry, got that. We know you love the thought of a vacation to Europe, but this time, why not look a little further? To Dubai, a city that everyone talks about and has absolutely everything you could want from a vacation destination.

From world-class hotels, record-breaking skyscrapers, and epic desert adventures, to museums that showcase the future, not just the past. Choose from 14 flights per week between Canada and Dubai, Book on emirates.ca today. Right, let's go to the next photo. Please do. Which one would you like to go to?

Go with the ass-out one. Okay. Yeah. When did you get back from Japan? I went in August. Yeah, I went in August. How long did you go for? Two weeks. And you loved it.

I did. Just Tokyo. Tokyo, Kyoto. We did a bit too much, though. Tokyo Kyoto Osaka. Fucking hell. In two weeks. Yeah, we did like a tour thing.

Okay. School holidays. So we had to get in and out. We had to go and fill it in and get out. Oh, you didn't want. You didn't want to pay the fine, though. What fine? You said school holidays.

Oh, yeah, yeah, no, no. And also I've got a 17-year-old daughter. She'll only give me a window of her time. She's got things she wants to do. Is that how it goes, is it? But I want to see my mates as well. So, you know, we whistle stopped it. And also, it's really far away.

It was, look, it was a bit rushed. But anyway, we went all over. But you've been a lot. I loved it. I loved it. Oh, it's incredible. That photo of Arse Out. is from the 2019 World Cup in Japan,

which was... Oh, wow. Fucking unbelievable. How long are you there for? So we were there for six weeks, six or seven weeks. Moving around? Moving around. So we were down the bottom in Miyazaki,

then we're moving to Oita, Kobe, all over the place, and then end up in Tokyo when it got to the knockout stages. And it's the fucking most insane country I've ever been to. So brilliant. It was incredible. Everyone says that. that culturally you're not going to go to a more, you know, polar, polar sort of opposite to our culture than Japan.

And yet not so polar that it's restrictive to you, do you know what I mean? Like, they're warm, welcoming, do you know, they want you to experience the best of it all. And I just loved it. Fell in love with it. It was incredible. The whole experience, the team that we had there, we've all been together a while. And then we went on this amazing run to the World Cup final. We fucking bottled it in the final, of course.

Now this photograph with your bum out, we did talk about this. That was the onsen. That's the onsen. So the traditional onsons, as you know, is you have to go in naked. Can you explain? Because I now know what an onsen is, but I didn't know before. And I imagine our listeners don't know necessarily. An onsen is like a traditional bath, hot, cold water, saunas,

like traditional Japanese. But the rules are you have to go in naked, completely stark. Separate, men and women, separate. Separate men, although they have moved to... Mixed. Mixed. There are mixed ones now. Co-ed, baby. I don't want to do that. And weirdly, there's also... I mean, this is weird.

They've also got family ones. Well, it depends on your views on nudity, doesn't it? No, yeah. I guess it is harder to... If you're cool with... Well, Jen's clearly not. Look at her face. But, look, nudity... Just think about it. There you go. I don't know. I don't want to get nudity. I don't want to get nudity. I love that. Like, we can stop it.

Yeah, I don't really care that much about genitals and boobs and bums that much. I don't care that much. But this picture, the reason why this picture is because traditionally in onsons, you're not allowed really to go in with tattoos and you've got a lot of tattoos. Yeah, I've got a lot of tattoos. So can you explain the conversation that took place prior to this? So the boys were like, you've got to come to the onsen, you've got to, you know, come in and do that. I went, I can't, you know, the tattoos, you know, they think I'm some sort of gangster out here.

Which I like, yeah. I really enjoy playing up to. I was, oh, mate, how are you doing? Obviously, the East End accent doesn't really translate over there either, so they're like, still, you're weird. I was like, I can't make me put on a top and put on the socks. They're like, just come in, you've got experience here. I was like, oh, fucking all right then.

So I had to put on a long sleeve top to cover the tats on top and then. With your Johnson out. With my cock out and everything. Johnson. I love it. Isn't that what? I call you dick. I don't know.

I don't have, I'm not. I've heard Johnson. No. The picture was just the picture was just that the fact that that was the time of my life. And you got a lovely bum Joe. Thanks. A bit pasty. No.

Very nicely formed. You wouldn't normally tan your bum, would you? I don't know. I don't know. Get yourself in a spray. Get yourself a spray tan. Song. No.

They do it all. Put on those paper pants. No. My wife suffers with psirisis. Occasionally it flares up. Oh, which goes on the sunbeds. And I got a, uh,

a home one, not a sunbed, but a UVB. Yes. Treatment for it. And I was like, oh, I wonder. It looks like it's a sunbed. Like, one thing. And she always looks like she got a lovely glow after she's done a couple of weeks of it all. Yeah.

I was like, cool, I'm going to try this. She'd gone out for one of the nights. I'd put the kids to bed. And then I was like, oh, I'm just going to stand for a couple of minutes either side in front of the light. Let's go for it. And I was like, okay, that was cool. Next morning. And I'd done it, start bollock naked.

Oh, my gosh. Well, I just got out of the shower on it. it, I'm, fuck, the next day, red all over like a lobster, including my Johnson. Your Johnson. Oh, mate. Johnson.

Don't question it. Just clear that. And I'm like, I don't think. That's why I've got a pasty bum. What does that mean then? You burnt your cock. That's what the story is. I just need to clarify.

Because you have to pick your skin tone. They have to pick exactly the right temperature. And then you have to go in for the exact amount of time. Otherwise, you will get it. Yeah, got it really wrong. Right. Okay. I got it wrong.

Well, there's a caution for our listeners. A cautionary tail. Don't use your wife's skin lamp for your cup. Okay. Is it this one is the next one? This is one of your family? Right. That is...

I'm assuming some of them are you having. Now there's a quote I heard from Anthony Hopkins. Something about regret. They was asked if he's got any regrets. And he turns around and says, no, I haven't got any regrets. I haven't got any regrets. I haven't got time for regrets. I've done some good things in my life.

I've done some bad things. I'm a sinner. I'm an old sinner, but you do things and you move on. You haven't got time for it. And I was like, oh, that's really cool. No regrets. Yeah. Let's all have no regrets.

Yeah. That green phlegm t-shirt is a regret I have and will have for the rest of my life because that's our wedding day. What? Joe! Why are you wearing that on your wedding day? Oh my God. So that's my wife,

I must be like, what the fuck? In your defence, some of your other congregation are in fleeces. Oh yeah, that's because... Everyone's on cash. I don't know who they are. A lot of stripes. What? We don't know who those women are.

Okay. They've all come in the same... I mean, as wedding photos go, if you'd say to me what do you think this event is, I would not have said wedding. What? Why? I did wonder what this was. That's our wedding with her. So Daisy, that's my wife Daisy.

She's got a wedding dress on. She, no, she hasn't. Well, she's wearing white? She's just got a white jumper on. She's seven months pregnant with Maggie. Right. That's Jasper, who's our eldest. Right.

And the four women, we don't know. What? We, well, we don't know them. Did you just go to a registry office or? November 4th, 2015, we were like, let's get married. We'd booked it like the week before. Let's get married. married next week.

Didn't want a big wedding or anything like that. Don't look at me like, oh, you're a fucking tight-ass thing. No, we discussed it all. We weren't bothered about like a wedding day or anything like that.

But we'd been on holiday the year before and she'd got stopped at the airport. Right. With Jasper and they had different surnames. And they were questioning, are you actually as mom and all this sort of stuff? And she was like, oh, for fuck sake.

We need the same surname. I said, but I'm not taking yours. She was like, oh, right, we'll take yours then. I was like, okay. So we organised that. And then we thought, let's just go get married. It was pissing it down. Cropra.

Do you know Cropra? Yeah, I do know Cobra. It's Pissing it down. It's Cobra. Sussex. Okay. I just put your hand up. Why did you put your hand up like we were at school?

I just didn't want to get distracted, but I did want that geography fact. It's not far from Lewis. Okay. And we thought, oh, we'll. pick up a couple of old ladies no well we'd just pick up anyone as witnesses but don't you have to come with witnesses like they say make sure

you bring witnesses you don't just go yeah yeah yeah they said that they said coming with witnesses you don't know these people come with witnesses and we're like funny yeah yeah we'll go and find some so we're looking around all the crowbra it's pissing it down so there's not that many people they've all got matching jumpers do you not have any mates

that you could say what mate were you no we just wanted to go get married we were like Because if you invite a couple of mates, they're like, why didn't you invite us? Why didn't you invite us? It escalates. You're like, let's just get four random old women. Yeah, great. All the same jumper.

It was bad. I was running around like a blue-ass fly because even at one point it went to the supermarket and was hanging around the checkouts. No. Oh, you do look like that. They do look like they just come out. And I was like, excuse me, I know you've done some help with your shopping. But also.

Can you come and be our witness at a wedding? That's like a dream query, isn't it? Yes, I can. Yes, which is what me and my wife thought. Yeah. Because if that was asked to us, we'd like, fuck yeah. That sounds great. Let's come.

No one was interested. I'm asking. They don't believe me. Yeah. And I was having to show them the rings and all this stuff. And they were like, no, sorry, I'm busy. I was like, oh, God. They probably thought it was a prank.

It's going on for about an hour. Or some weird scam. Yeah. What? I don't know. I don't know. I can't figure it out. I don't know.

We grew up with that sort of telly. People scamming people on that. Don't talk to strangers. Or like Beedles about. We grew up with Jeremy Beedle pranking people all the fucking time. That was all that was on telly in the 80s. Yeah, but I was getting fucked off. I was like saying it.

And then went into like a charity shop thinking people might be there. They weren't interested so we're busy. Then I went into the working men's club. And there was no in it. There was one bloke at the end of the bar that was slumped over. And I was like, I can't. I walked in there and my shoes are stuck to the floor. No.

I'm not sure he's the right. he's the right witness left there Daisy's spinning out she's like we're not going to get married are we this isn't going to work I was like where the fuck is everyone got to the local community centre I nipped in there there was these four women and I went that I think they'll be up for it but I'm not going to ask them because I was starting getting the impression

I was scaring them off with my shit my walk my weird beard and aggressive nature so I was like this is our last chance days you're seven months pregnant they're going to oh yeah sweet Of course. Definitely.

Oh, absolutely. So she went in there, explained to him, we're getting married, do you mind coming up to the registry office just up the road?

Oh, darling, yeah, of course. Yeah, no, we'd love to. Can we just finish our coffee and we'll be up?

Wow. I mean, we're on his headline here, babe. So days came back at, she's like, right, they're up for it.

And they said, oh, we don't need a lift, we'll meet you up there. And we're like, fucking hell. And that, you know, you can see,

not exactly the quickest walkers. Really on thing. So they managed to get up there. And the registry office was, we'd already been there before, as in a couple of weeks before to check it out. So I knew that it was really hot because it was a converted old people's home. So the insulation was really good.

You know, you want to keep them warm. So I was like, I can't wear a shirt days for it. I'm just going to think. She was like, okay, just be comfortable, wear what you want. Rushing around in the morning before all of that, I was like, no, I should wear a shirt. I should make an effort. It's our wedding.

day and then I was trying to iron a shirt and I was like oh fuck it no I'm just gonna and I grabbed the first t-shirt out put it on that one then we go the women are looking after jasper whilst we're doing the whole vows and stuff he's eating his hummus and carrots out of a pot on the lap of one of them so romantic yeah and then I love this this is so we're married yeah and then we went to sign the paper oh yeah we've done all that and we had that photo with them they were all lovely. In your flam kind of

t-shirt. But you have no regrets. That was the beginning of this story. No regrets. I have no regrets but the t-shirt. That t-shirt.

Right. That is a fucking minging t-shirt. Look at that t-shirt again. Yeah, that is your wedding photo a little bit. What on earth did you choose a flim green t-shirt for?

For your wedding day, it's an interesting choice. But do you know what? The whole picture is delightful. Isn't it? It really is. But I just think.

Women that you don't know that we're at the Krobera community. community centre having, who needs to finish their coffee, meandered down to witness your wedding. No rush girls. I think that's a nice time. I think it's real. I love this story because weddings can be the most crazy making thing. A lot of people. What did you do have? Well we had a more, I did, I did go more trad than you. And how many people did you have there?

I can't remember off the top of my head quite a lot. Right. But the lead up to it, you're like, oh, we've got to invite him and her because. Yeah, but that was sort of a point. I kind of was up for that. Also, me and my husband have got... Friends? No, we're married, but we don't have the same surname. So I don't know how you got embroiled in that chaos because it's not the handmade sale. So what I don't really understand

is that you've got loads of mates like you that are in long-time relationships that aren't married. Yeah. And that's all cool. And then you've got mates that have gone like, they go full trad and you're like, you do you, babe. And there's all the different.

But you've gone a different way. And I've never heard this version because you've bothered with it all. but in a really untraditional way. What do you mean? Well, they're getting married. Because it is 2024. You don't have to.

You don't have to. No, no, but she wanted to. Yeah, totally. But you've gone for it in a very unusual way. I've just never seen this sort of version of it. That wasn't the plan though, was it? No, but clearly there is a bit of deciding. But that's what I mean.

I like it because you've gone, you've made a choice. Yeah, but that was our last choice. That was our last option. I know, but you. you could have planned it different yeah we could have planned a wedding but we were like you really didn't want to

and it's lovely that your t-shirt matches the book I've just noticed that that is something that you find you've accessible oh actually yeah you're right that is some really good planning and look is it going to be coming up to your 10th anniversary next year

yeah I mean I think he's so romantic because you just told me with the year that you were married I said next year he's good at 25 what I did there is I just I just go Hang on, how much digging have you been doing?

Then I go, oh, I said it out loud. Oh yeah, you said it. Just add in up. It's just basic. I love it. And I mean, even I thought that Daisy was wearing a sort of wedding dress and it's a jumper. Yeah.

I just think, all I'm saying is I've never heard a story like that. Oh, okay. And I find it very refreshing. That's the kind of wedding I would like. Yeah. I would like if I was going to get married. Yes, I could see you. Are you going to get married?

I would only get married if we did it that way. With four random women. You want to book out Chromegram. say I'll be offended. Shall we track down those four women? I want to come to your wedding. Yeah, but that's what everyone says. If you get married and then you're not allowed to get married and not invite us.

And so that's literally why we haven't got married because I can't face doing all of that. No. Can't you outsource it? Can we be good at that? Yeah, but she can't face it? I've got to plan it. Can I outsource it? Can you outsource it?

You want to plan Jen's wedding. Yeah, why not? Yeah, go for it. Okay. Can I? Is that you all worth of guaranteeing an invite? Well, I like a party. Okay.

I like a wedding. I'd have never a guest. I like it. Yeah. I think it's fun, isn't it? Yeah, no, it's good fun. I mean, we had a kid and when we finally, I stropped my way into being engaged, like a lot of women. I don't know.

What sort of techniques? What sort of techniques of strokiness? I had the up. I wasn't that bothered about getting married. And then we'd had Elsie, and again, I wasn't that bothered. And again, I wasn't that bothered. I wasn't like, like I say, it's not the handmade tale. I don't need to be married to, you know, stay with my partner or have a family, blah, blah, blah.

And then we went to a lot of weddings because you know that time and life when you're going to a lot of weddings? Yeah. And then I sit to bed one day, I'm sick of being at other people's fucking wedding. I'd quite like to be at as. You want it to be about you? Yeah. I wanted a do. Yeah.

And it was a bit like, I just wanted the do. I wasn't that bothered about the legal's. I wanted the do. Could you have had the do? Just have a do? Yes, sure. But then you might as well do the paperwork then because there are a few advantages

aren't there to properly getting married. A bit of tax shit. Yeah, a bit tax shit. Have you stayed in touch with these old women? No, we've only got their... Do you think they're listening? We've only got their... I worry, though.

Please reach out. I worry that might not be... I don't. Oh, it's quite a while ago. Oh. Nice. I was there again. I think the women in the forefront

I've got probably a better chance of being around. I know, but you could... Yeah, but there was also, you know, we had the fucking pandemic, didn't we? And they probably come under the category of needing to shield. Did they shield appropriately? I don't know. This is a TV show, if ever I heard one. Pitch this, please.

Only finding wedding witnesses. I think we could do it if we were bothered. And you could recreate that photo with a better shirt on. And we have to track them down because that's who Jen wants at her wedding. Yes, it is. Instead of her mates. Yeah. Fair enough.

It's a great picture, Joe. Thanks. Really good. As I said, do you have regrets in life? Oh, there just isn't time for that kind of. I mean, I love a sentiment of Anthony Hopkins, but of course I've got regrets. I don't dwell on them. Yeah.

Every man in their 80s has got no regrets. They're that generation. Yeah. Oh, I've fucked up. I've definitely fucked up. It's best not to dwell on it. That's like most bit like our generation's dads. Yeah.

What of it? Get over it. Maybe it's Mabelaine is such an iconic piece of music. Hit the check. Everyone in the studio that I worked on this jingle with all had like childhood stories or memories. Yeah, work. Around either watching these commercials on TV or sitting with our moms while they were doing their makeup and it became really personal for us. Check out the big stars, big series, and blockbuster movies. Streaming on Paramount Plus.

Cue the music. Like NCIS, Tony and Ziva. We'd like to make up our own rules. Tulsa King. We want to take out the competition. The substance. This balance is not working. And the naked gun.

That was awesome. Now that's a mountain of entertainment. Paramount Wolf. It's hockey season. and you can get anything you need delivered with Uber Eats. Well, almost, almost anything. So no, you can't get a nice rank on Uber Eats. But iced tea, ice cream, or just plain old ice?

Yes, we deliver those. Goaltenders, no, but chicken tenders, yes. Because those are groceries, and we deliver those too. Along with your favorite restaurant food, alcohol, and other everyday essentials. Order Uber Eats now. For alcohol, you must be legal drinking age. Please enjoy responsibly. Product availability varies by region.

See app for details. That is a picture of my four small people. When you got to two children, what made you think, yeah, let's just have another one. And then another one. And then when you got to three and the chaos of three, you went, we really need to do this again. No, it's a fair question. Big families do. Well, it's actually, that's one less than what we had planned.

You wanted five. Daisy wanted five. Wow. Did she follow a big family? She, no, just two brothers. But she always wanted. She always wanted five kids. And I was like, I was for a number of years trying to knock her down a bit.

No, as in knock the number down. A fucking hell. As long as the heart comes out. Oh, shit. Oh, fuck, Joe. Please really help with that way. Trying to knock the number down a bit. So you got a down to four.

You got a down to four? She was like, I'm not sure I can do this again. Yes. Correct. Four's good. We've got two boys, two girls. That's a lovely set. We're set.

You know, we're loving life. And do we want a thing? And if we go again, the eldest, it'll be like 13, 40. It'll be a big age gap between then the fifth and all this. Yeah, but that's the good thing. That's when you're into the good stuff because the old one sort of semi-raises the little one. Oh, dream, mom. Yeah, then it's like the sort of like the Walton's, isn't it?

No, they don't do that. They always says, oh, just have more. They look after each other. They don't fucking do that. Don't they? No, they batter each other. They make it worse. Oh, okay.

You're fully outnumbered, aren't you? You're in that. Fully. And then you've got to buy bigger cars and you've got to book two rooms on holiday every time. Yes, holidays, cars and eating out. What have we done here? Yeah. I'm having a car on holidays are not.

Holidays are over, yeah. It's carnage. So is that why you're in a sort of puddle on the beach? That's the holiday. No, that was just a put, that was our holiday this summer in Norfolk. Right. And it's just example. So that's Pixie, our Littland.

Pixie! And it's just... That's classic. It's the difference of characters, because obviously you go, I know it's stating the obvious, but you go, oh, they've all got their own different personalities,

haven't I? And you go, no fucking shit. But you still say it. Yeah, but they're so different. You're like, yeah, no, they're different people. Just because they're from the same fucking genes and all that. They're different people. And they're like, yes, but they're different.

But that picture for me, is perfect example of like Maggie she's the eldest girl she's a bit more reserved and just tipping her toes in a little bit Jasper's the eldest who's usually the one winding everyone up but he's actually don't want to get his shoes wet because he really loves his Jordans and he's a little bit now he's moving into that age of how he looks and all that lot Felix sees out the background who sort of just mooches about

and his own he's happy in his own company and all that lot Yeah. And then you got Pixie who... Face first. There's all these people walking down at Holcomb Beach, like all trying to get to the end to where the lovely beach is. And there's fucking loads of sand to get there. Yes.

Miles. We've got four kids. We've got a trolley and all this shit to try and get there. And then Pixie's just gone and head first into one of the small shitty puddles. That's not like proper sea water. It's left over all the shit. I love those puddles. She's loving it.

And then we just go, fuck it we'll just stay here so all these families we don't get to the beach at all those families that have a picnic in the car park I'm like this will do it's exactly that we go this is far enough

they look happy enough Pixie's loving it it might as well be the sea and all these families just eyeball and it's like fucking hell you weirdos and we're like yeah we're loving life oh that's so great that's just a picture of like

the pure happiness slash carnage that we experience of a big family Oh, they're just great and I fucking love them to pieces. Oh, that's so wonderful. It's lovely when you're, I'm one of four and it's lovely to be in a gang of four because you do, you do sort of go around as a little gang.

Even though there's, obviously, the age gap's quite big, aren't they, when you're young? Even like a year can feel quite big. But you've got each, you're like, you've got your team. And even though you like you beat the living crap out of each other, when they get older, when they're like, particularly when they hit teenage years, they'll sort of regroup. Yeah, got each other's back. and they'll have each other's backs and they'll have like a completely different relationship, which you'll, which will be so lovely for you, for you guys to see as they get older.

So, yeah, it's lush. So lovely. But at the moment, this is, this is car. Oh, it's mental. Oh, yeah. This is, I don't know what you're doing here. Yeah, when I said so much happiness slash carnage, I really didn't mean happiness. You just meant carnage.

Yeah. I just went, what the fuck. We're in the thick of it here. You are, you are. But it's our choice. This is like, this is what she wanted and she's just living the dream. This is. Oh, my wife.

I can't speak. about her highly enough. I love her to pieces. She's changed my life and she was born to be a mum and I don't just say that because she is a mum or because I leave her for half the year to go and be selfishly pursuing my own career. I don't just go oh you were born to be a mum because you have to be a mum because I'm not there for fucking half of it. But she literally is and she's fantastic at it and she's the support she's given me over the the years to enable me to be able to go off and selfishly pursue my own stuff. How did you eat?

We went to school together. Really? Oh my gosh. We went, she was 13, 14 when we first went out. I was a version of that first photo and she fell in love with them. Oh, wow. That's love, I say she fell in love. She was 13.

Yeah, she was 13. We were, what did we? We went out for like a month. month, I took her on a date to the cinema and fell asleep watching the film. Yeah. So not a great start. Yeah. She went out with you again.

Yeah, well, yeah, she was sort of only for a couple more weeks. And then cleverly, she went out with me during Valentine's week. And then ditched you. And this was probably another sign of why she ditched me was I bought her R. Kelly's album, Greatest Hits. Right. There was no issue with R. Kelly at the time. No, all about timing, isn't it? Yeah.

And a banana. So that probably didn't help. For potassium? Well, I just, it was, what was in my bag? Okay. I haven't really thought it through. Clearly, it's funny though, it's funny. It's cute.

It's cute. At 13, what sort of presents were you buying at 13? I wasn't buying anyone anything at 13. Valentine gifts were traditionally cuddly toys with the couples when I was. And I didn't have that. I had a banana. Okay. Maybe it was an early sign of like, hey, this is how you make me feel.

Oh, okay. I don't know. Anyway, she'd done me. How long were you not together for before you got back together? We weren't together throughout school. Right. Well, for the rest of school. But still, Spark.

We're always same schoolmates. She was with the rival gang leader. Right. You know, gang. Oh, yeah, of course. And that's what the Japanese thing. Bad boy, bad boy. You started those tats of 13.

In that, you know, really edgy, he-field. Area. It's really renowned. But you always. fancied each other. There was always a bit of... I've always loved her. She was always the long term. She was the plan. She was the plan. And then I moved to London.

We sort of kept in contact through it all. God, this is so romantic. This is so unusual. This is why you don't need. See, this is the story I need for the wedding picture. You don't need all those big shows and displays. No. This romantic love.

No, you just got bananas. Who meets their partner at 30? team. Yeah, and stays in love with her. Especially as a woman, you're like, it's got to be something better than this. You just do, don't you? You're like, I'm not going to set. I mean, just in case.

But she found the golden. Yeah, she found the golden ticket. Let's talk about that bit then. You say, there's got to be something better. You've still got, we still, there was a big period where we weren't together. Okay. So during that school time and all that lot. And then there was four years, I've moved up to London and been apart.

But there was always that contact with each other. and then we just decided, fuck it. I think, I think I love you. Like, let's just fucking, let's make a go of this. Jen's sitting there like. You are literally anything like this. You go to mash. This is like the notebook.

It's just the way it ended up. I'd fucking love it. I'd watch the rom-com. I mean, literally, he said. No, it isn't. Did you want the same with the old women on the wedding day? That's a, that's a, that's a, that's a, good as four weddings and a funeral made.

And Joe's last line is we thought fuck it, we might as well. But that's the end of that romantic story. Yeah. Go on then. I think it's extremely romantic. Yeah, well, then I moved back home to where her family and all that lot were. Right. And we just

started a life together there and we haven't looked back since. I mean my back is fucking taking a hammering. From the commute as a professional rugby player. Right. To then going, I'm going to live 71 miles away from where I need to train and play from. Oh, yeah, that is. But it's been worth it. It's worth it, yeah.

She's had the support of all her family. We've got the kids. And like I said, I desert her for half the year anyway, so I might as well just do it. Thank you so much. These are brilliant stories, Joe. Thank you. I've loved it. You two are absolutely brilliant. Oh, thank you. Oh, thanks for coming on, Joe. Before you go, tell us about your podcast where people can listen to it and what you're up to apart from rugby.

I'm not good at that. Come on, sell it, mate. Sell it. Thank you for asking. Go. It's called things people do. And what's it about? Oh, it's about

people. Wow, this elevator pitch is phenomenal. Hang on. It's about all the things people do, Kerry. It's in the fucking name. Yeah, no, I get that. But I mean, like, it started out with I didn't know anything outside of the

rugby bubble, you know, went away young and all that lot. And you get stuck in the sport. thoughts bubble and all that lot. What's the real world like? What are all these people that do random shit? Like, what does a marine biologist do? Right, well, I want to sit and talk to them. Let's what, is that at a job? What does a penetration tester do? What's a penetration test? Is it naughty? Is it sexy? No, that's what I thought it was. But it's a legal bank robber. He's employed by banks to test their securities by robbing their banks.

But it didn't have to be called a penetration. No, I like it a lot. I like it a lot. It's so good. And then, or Tim Peek came on. Oh, wow. Not because he was a businessman. But to talk about what's an astronaut.

Like, what do you actually do? Wow, this sounds great. Or Josh the chimney. Like, honestly, one of my favorites. Chimney sweep. Josh the chimney sweep. Yes. You said, what do you mean?

What do you mean? Oh, it's luck, isn't it? Shake a hand of a chimney sweep. No. No, it's not. Not lucky for them. No, it's lucky if you touch their button. what this is what Josh said he had all the history of chimney sweeps because I went

I'm going to listen to this episode you got listen do you sing chimney chimney I think Tom my co-hosted because he's more of that era yeah and Josh are a little bit younger okay Josh is younger than Dick Van Dyke everyone's younger even Joe Biden's younger than Dick Van Dyke mate I just love it it's made me I used to go I used to hate people I used to be stuck in a fucking rut for a long time where I didn't want to see the world and I hated every people. Like I couldn't spend any time with them to then go in. I can't get enough of them.

This is great. I want to hear all their different stories. Everyone's got a story. Everyone's got a story. Just have the fucking courage to sit and ask them some questions and see what else. I just love doing it. So, yeah, and you can find that. All these episodes.

You can find that. Where the podcast live? Where do you're not my producer. Wherever you get your podcasts. In the podcast land. In the podcast land. People know how to Google shit, mate. I'm Max Rushden.

I'm David O'Dardy. And we'd like to invite you to listen to our new podcast. What Did You Do Yesterday? It's a show that asks guests the big question. Quite literally, what did you do yesterday? That's it. That is it. Max, I'm still not sure.

Where do we put the stress? Is it what did you do yesterday? What did you do yesterday? You know what did you do yesterday? I'm really down playing it. Like, what did you do yesterday? yesterday like I'm just a guy just asking a question but do you think I should go bigger what did you do yesterday what did you do yesterday every single word this time I'm going to try and make it like

it is the killer word what did you do yesterday think that's too much isn't it that is that's over the top what did you do yesterday available wherever you get your podcasts every Sunday