Memory Lane with Kerry Godliman and Jen Brister - S03 E41: Geoff Norcott

Episode Date: December 4, 2024

"I was promised a different life..." This week we have the brilliant comedian @geoff_norcott on the pod! Such a fun chat about growing up tall and then everyone else catching up, his sister dating his best friend and a WORKING MINIATURE RAILWAY! Geoff is on tour next year and tickets are on sale now. - https://www.livenation.co.uk/artist-geoff-norcott-1252793 We also have @kerryagodliman and @jenbristercomedy talking about Christmas (obviously), Jen's AMAZING idea for a new invention and the mini ice age in victorian England. Kerry's tour is on sale now - https://www.ticketmaster.co.uk/kerry-godliman-tickets/artist/1866728 PHOTO 1: Me and my sister PHOTO 2: I was tall PHOTO 3: Entertaining the troops PHOTO 4: Russ Abbott PHOTO 5: My mum PICS & MORE - https://www.instagram.com/memory_lane_podcast/ A Dot Dot Dot Production produced by Joel Porter Hosted by Jen Brister & Kerry Godliman Distributed by Keep It Light Media Sales and advertising enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

It's hockey season, and you can get anything you need delivered with Uber Eats. Well, almost, almost anything. So no, you can't get a nice rink on Uber Eats. But iced tea, ice cream, or just plain old ice? Yes, we deliver those. Goaltenders, no. But chicken tenders, yes. Because those are groceries, and we deliver those too.

Along with your favorite restaurant food, alcohol, and other everyday essentials. Order Uber Eats now. For alcohol, you must be legal drinking age. Please enjoy responsibly. Product availability varies by region. See app for details. Hello and welcome to Memory Lane. I'm Jen Bristair and I'm Kerry Godleman.

Each week we'll be taking a trip down Memory Lane with our very special guest as they bring in four photos from their lives to talk about. To check out the photos we'd be having a natter with them about, they're on the episode image and you can also see them a little bit more clearly on our Instagram page. So have a little look at Memory Lane podcast. Come on, we can all be nosy together. I've got to tell you something.

And this is something I talk about every year. There are people in Brighton who put up their Christmas decorations in November. Yeah. What is wrong with you? Yeah. No one's feeling. No one's feeling that vibe. Basically, this is my feeling.

My birthday's in November. Yeah. And J.C., Jesus Christ, his birthdays in December. And I do not want J.C. in my birth month. No. November is me, K.G. Yeah. December.

J.C. J.C. And February J.B. February J.B. February J.B. And we wouldn't do J.C. in February, would we? Because that would be silly? No. I don't want J.C. in KG. Actually, J.C. does go into January sometimes. He's allowed to get into the halfway through.

Up to the 6th of January. You're allowed to still be celebrating J.C. But so then if he's into January, he can't have November. He's absolutely not welcome in November. No. Get out. Get out. You've got a month. and a half. You've got six weeks, JC. You've got a whole season, mate. Tis the season. Unacceptable. What the fuck is going? How shit is your life? Yeah. That you've got to get your Christmas tree up in late November.

But you want to drag this bit out. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Because it all goes on long enough. And honestly, if you have bought a tree, I mean, who's buying trees at the moment? But if you bought a tree in November, firstly, psychopath, clearly. Maybe they put it up for Black Friday because that's spiraling, isn't it? Now I'm worried that people are like... A roast for Black Friday. And they're like getting black Friday's bigger than fucking Christmas. It's like, all right. I don't need Black Friday bunting. Let's dial this down.

Also, it's constantly offering me stuff. I'm like, oh my God. It's like 30% off a whisk that doubles up as a spoon. I'm like, I don't need this. That is quite good actually, wouldn't it? Because if you could whisk something and then scoop it out of the spoon. Oh, Jen. Get that patented.

Get that on, bake off. I'd buy that one. I'd buy that any day of the week, mate. Any month. Okay, that was a terrible, terrible example. Terrible example. You just came up with something brilliant. I actually should get that patented.

Oh, dragon's den yourself up. Can you imagine? Hello, I'm, I just invented a whisk spoon. How would it look? Like a spoon? Like a spoon. That then splits open. So it's a spoon, right?

It's just a normal spoon. and then it splits into sort of a whiskey thing. You can then curl around. You whisk and then you pull a lever at the end and then it's a spoon and then you can scoop stuff out. Oh my God. I'd buy it. I'd use it.

I've got a place for it. Yeah, I've got no idea how it'd work. But in my head, I can see it. I've visualised it. Do you know what? I shouldn't be letting this. We'll have to edit this bit out, Joel, because this is probably genius.

Someone's going to nick that. Because I haven't patented. Patented. Patented. Patented. Patented. Patent. Patent.

I keep patented. Patent. Patent. Paintant. It's not. It's patent. Patent. It's not painted.

You painted it. I painted it. Let's say that. Just paint it. Yeah, I'll paint it. That's something I'll be doing. I'll be painting it later. Good.

Something to look forward to. You're never going to invent it. You're never going to be an inventor. No. Just paint it. I will. Just a picture of it. That's all you have to do, though.

Yeah. hang it on the wall. Do you know what? She's often coming... Because you know she's really zoning in at our artwork in a moment in painting and she says, I often really struggling for inspiration

and now I've found something to inspire her. Yeah. Please paintant. My paint, my paintant. Paint your patent. You're going to have to edit all this out, Joel. I don't know what we're talking about. This is absolute bullshit.

Who are we talking to today, Jane? Right. Well, today we have the brilliant and the lovely and the very popular. And the very popular, I must say, Jeff Norcock. Jeff was trapped outside and he was texting us, can I get in? Can I get in the building? Let me in.

And we didn't realize until after the podcast. And we were like, Jeff, sorry, mate. We didn't realize you were lost. Missed calls. No, but we said, yeah, I didn't expect you to answer. Like, I was like, he goes, I knew you wouldn't have your phone on you. You're like my wife. You never have your phone on you.

I was like, we did have our phones on. But we were podcasting. But also on silent. Yeah. That's how cool we are. Anyway. Anyway, he was brilliant. It was lovely to talk to Jeff.

Here he is, Jeff Norkot in all his glory. Right, let's go to photographs. This is the first picture. Here we go. Here is little Jeff. Hang on a second. I'm going to have to guess which one is you. Give me a moment.

I love this game. This one. But that's like my sister. She might be hurt by that. You didn't know which one was male in that? No, it's not clear, is it? Is it clear? Both of you could be girls or boys.

Oh, yeah, I don't mind being a... In the 70s, kids all look like that. True. Are you saying... Are you saying... That's your sister, right? Yes. Yes.

Right, so that was correct. So you're saying that I might be the girl? No, I'm not... I didn't even know that's a girl. I am. No problems these days, you know? Jeff, honestly, I think that these two children could be boys or girls. Totally.

I've got... I think the first thing I like saying about that photo is I think I look quite cute in that photo. You do. You look very low. I didn't generally. So that is like... You know how women choose their hottest photo for their social media pick? That was why I picked that one.

I'm not like a hot child pitch. I am allowed to nonce over myself. Wow, this has gone in a completely wild. But I also look a lot like my son. That's the most I look like my son at the equivalent age as well. How old are you in this picture? I don't know. I say three.

Really? I thought I don't know. The way I'm sitting all calm and stuff, it gives off the vibe of at least a four or a half year old. Are you in a camper van? A caravan. A caravan. Static. You look happy.

It would. I think I was there. Yeah. That was my nan's caravan. Where was that? That was in the... You know, I was interesting. First of all done a podcast with too late and like questions.

Immediately. Like women want detail. Which I absolutely should have sort of like anticipated given it's about photos in your life. But in me suddenly got worried. You thought we were just going to have a very leisurely. To be honest, this has been the most intense questioning we've ever delivered to any game. In my defence, there is. In my defence, there is a caravan involved and I really am excited by all camping stories.

It was in New Romney. And it was, so my grandparents lived on a council estate. I didn't notice, but they bought their place under the right to buy. So they were very upwardly mobile. And then they got a caravan, which is a big deal. And it was a plot of only six, I think. And we used to go down there all the time. Oh, how lovely.

Yeah, New Romney. It's no longer a seaside town. I went back there recently. And it... Was the sea moves? Yeah, it's close to the erosion. It's been a bloody climate. But yeah, used to have like arcades and stuff.

But now that's mainly like Dimchurch-Folkestone end. Oh, okay. It's just a town. Yeah, yeah. So it's part of it was what we used to, it was adjacent to the Romney Hive and Dimchurch Railway. Have you ever been to that? No.

It is a tiny, well, a small scale working railway, right? So people actually use it to commute in the area, but it's also really dinky. And the funniest thing is there was, I don't know if they have any more. And this might be one of those invented child of memories, but they had a buffet car but the guy behind it had to go around his knees

because there wasn't any height. No, you're joking. I'm certain that there was. Right, right, we're going to have to find out. I want that to be true. Let's make it so. Yeah, but they used to be not... And I remember, like, being on there,

we were on there as like, as a family, as tourists, or holiday makers, rather, and there were like, blokes there, you remember the old broad-cheek newspapers that a lot of men used to read, and they were going to work and their briefcases. There's sadness and their briefcases. And it was so odd to me.

so in Congress. It was proper like tiny Hogwarts Express sort of thing. Yeah, like miniature railway sort of voice. It is a miniature railway but it's a working miniature railway.

That is the funniest thing. Yeah, yeah, no, people should go. You'll get, I mean, is it still going? Yeah, people correspond, but like people who've been on it love it generally. And also the smell of the

coal, I think the stuff is the most. Oh, steam? Yeah, yeah, it's a most evocative. I mean, well, yeah, with a tiny railway, you couldn't have the overhead electric thing. People would just be getting an electricue. Wait a second, are you kidding?

So it's a functioning steam Railway? I mean, if I could invent a black like this, I would be so proud. But, yeah, no, it's a function. Romney Hive and Dimchurch Railway, yeah. And it wasn't a childhood dream. No, no, no. The railway definitely exists.

I'm starting to doubt whether or not the buffet cart thing was, I'm actually Googling it right now. I've sort of put a bit of VAT on that. No, it's here. It's, there's tickets and timetables, high station, Santa specials. There's a live station webcam. Let's get involved. There's a live station. There is a live camera.

No wonder you look so happy in this picture, Jim. Yeah, well, we're. There was also, there was a couple of donkeys adjacent to the caravan patch, and we used to go and feed them sugar. That's probably wrong now. You probably have to feed them really boring stuff now. Yeah, but if you said it is, you could give them facts. Yeah.

He gave them to any B&A. I think everybody, at the moment you said that, we just completely visualised that. A smoking donkey. You don't need AI for that. Wow, that is a functioning railway. That is mad. Sorry, I'm still on the railway. I'm just imagining a bloke on his knee serving.

How old are your boys? Ten. They would love it, were they? Take them. Were you close to your grandparents? My name was really tough. Proper like Fatcher era, rock solid hair. She used to like, when she did roast dinners, like the military nature of the slices of beef, you know, it was really.

No fucking about. No fucking about. And she was really fearsome, you know, and everyone was a bit scared of her. And my granddad, he was really chilled. Like, he liked jazz music and stuff. So he come back from the Second World War, but he was all like, I think, you know, he's like, fuck that, man. I'm just, I don't want to hurt anyone.

So he was a very gentle man for the rest of his life. But they stuck it out. They stayed together despite these personalities. They used to go born dancing as well. Oh, wow. Yeah, they were amazing. They were apparently really good at it. I never saw them do it.

But my grahammed. Yeah, I saw someone. They looked very elegant. Yeah, they looked. He looked great in my granddad. It's really annoying, man. Like, he was tall. My dad's tall.

My sister's tall. I'm not tall. What happened? Well, I think there's another photo in it that will, We'll elaborate on that later, but yeah, I didn't get the tall gene. Is your sister, what's the age gap between you and your sister? 18 months, yeah. Oh, what?

So you're really, are you close? Yeah, we're very close. I mean, if you get older, you do realise that getting on well with your siblings isn't a given. No, absolutely not. And as a parent as well, you're like, they don't have to get on with each other. But you really want them to. Of course you do. And when they're mean to each other, you're like, oh my God, that's your family.

Yeah. You're like, don't care. Yeah. And like, she had like female friends, obviously, and stuff. I don't think I ever successfully You go out with any of them? No. Did she go out of any of yours?

Yeah. I mean that just sounds great. Oh no. You're just doing out with one of your mate. No, no. She went out of my best mate but like, he was a great guy but like I remember I got so jealous like because we weren't playing footballs often

and then I would be like in a situation going like Mick, seriously man like she's a great girl and everything but you got to play it cool and come and play football with me. I didn't really have an argument like you got to keep up your you got to keep up like your Mega Drive, you know, because women aren't all forever, but computer games are, you know. How did that fly? Yeah, yeah, no, no. Look, they went out for, yeah, they went out for a while.

You know, they're two my favourite people. My husband, Ben went out with his mate's older sister and he still talks about it to the point where the kids are like, you've told us you went out with your mate's big sister. It's a big deal. It's a trophy. It's psychologically as well, it's like, do you fancy me a bit then? You know, it's that? Like what's going on here?

Like, there's my biology in there. Maybe I wanted to think that. Are you still close now? Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because the family's very small. Yeah. So it started off like my mum was raised in a convent by nuns, which is very dramatic sounding now.

But it's one of those weird life details when you're a kid. People just say it. That's what happened. You go, yeah, that's what happens, everybody, right? You get older, you go, oh my God, that sounds stark. You know, the 1950s. When you say what, do you mean? Nuns in Streatham as well, which is weird.

Convent school or actually in a. So she was given up into care and then she was raised by nuns in Streatham. Oh, wow. Streatham just feels like a weird location for that to have happened. I feel like it should be... No, you're right. I live near Streatham and I haven't seen any nuns. There's not many nuns about anymore, is there?

You don't see as many. Whenever I see a nuns, I'm like, oh, there's a nun. Nunn. You went to a nun school, didn't you? I went to a convent school. Yeah, I don't think nuns should be allowed to... Well, my mum wasn't fond. Being near kids.

No, I've never met anyone that was raised or educated by nuns that's like, love nuns. Yes. I can't. Oh my God. Oh my God, my favorite thing is nuns. Those women, what a happy bunch. Was you raised a Catholic or is that your mum shook that off?

So I sometimes think, like, you know you try to work out what your political identity is and where it comes from? My mum was so against any power structures, you know what I mean? Just keep it out. No one should interfere with your life because of the nuns. The nuns, the way she was raised. Because of the nuns, you know. Fair enough.

It's weird to be there, you know, voting on the EU referendum going, I think it's because of my mum's nuns. I'm trying to keep the state back So she didn't have a great experience So there were day students at the convent But then there was also the girls that lived there Because they've been given up into care at various points That's rough

Yeah, it was rough But as one of the things you completely underestimate until I remember like getting to about 18 And thinking, well that was probably quite difficult That would have been really hard With the emotional intelligence of an 18 year old boy But that's the part of growing up When you really properly reflect on your parents

his upbringing. Yes, yes. And the making of them is the shaping of you and all those kind of like, oh, the world.

Although my son is so empathetic, like he's already there. Like he totally gets it already at eight and a half. He's like, must have been really tough for you. I'm like, is this,

it's therapy? My son, you know, but he's great like that. Yeah. This episode is brought to you by Peloton. A new era of fitness is here. Introducing the new Peloton

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And so I'm the tall one, by the way, Jen, because you might not have credited it. I thought that was you. Yeah. Yeah, no, I mean, he was a handsome lad. Boy, that's weird. I'll take that back. It's quite a blur. This is a real classic 80s photograph taken probably on a crappy camera.

Yeah, it would have been 1989, 90 maybe. Right, okay. So early on in the secondary school journey. Early in the secondary school journey. And I was comfortably the tallest person in my class, probably my year. So I have been disinherited height-wise. Like if I'm chippy about it Like I got to this high

And like I was getting trials for all the sports team Because they were like oh boy What they raise you on raw meat boy You know what I mean? Yeah yeah All the tall guy gags When did everyone catch up then? It was one horrible summer

So they was gently catching up When I was about 14 And I went on summer holiday And I come back And remember this lad Simon And Graham Like I'd always just thought For four

Yeah tiny sigh Yeah beaters You know beaters And they come back And they were just both Standing over me And it's left me With this kind of chippiness

Even though my height is 5 foot 9 and a quarter, which is bank counts, that does count. It's average height for a UK male. Okay, you sound a little bit defensive, James. I am chippin because I was supposed to have a different life. You were promised a different life. I was promised a different life. And have this weird thing still when taller men put their arm around me. I hate it, despise it.

I feel so emasculate. Really? Yeah. I mean, I don't mind like, you know, roughly. Do you choose your friends by high height? Well, I remember when I went to on Mass Report, There was the two producers there, Chris Stott and Mark Barrett, both about 6'2. And he's to stand between them.

And I would like go and get a stall. I would try anything to break up the power structure. Have you tried Cuban heels? That's something. I do feel like whatever. A wedge. You know, a lot of people are changing how they look these days. I'm very much of what you've got is what you've got.

You know what you've got. You've got to work that. So I will, I will, although a lot of the generation. I don't think of you. I don't think of you're ever. I mean, I'm exhibiting all the characters. You have changed our whole perception. And you know what?

So, like, guys that are significantly short in the average are less uptight about it than guys that are around the average because they've glimpsed the promised land of being tall. What was school like? That school, I didn't, so me and my sister were both at school called Parkhouse, right? My sister didn't like it there. So she moved to Southfields in Wandsworth. Right.

Which was a rough school, right? So we moved from a non-rush school to a rough school. And then my mum, with a way of thinking, because at the time there was a cold war for it, she was like, if there's a nuclear war, I can't get to both of you in time. Do you know what? That's so funny as you say, because when I was a kid, probably not much other. I remember thinking would I be able to get home in time? It's because of threads.

It's because of threads. Yeah, and my mum and dad were like just a bit too blunt about the scale of the threat. But that was kind of like a bit of background chat of that time. Yeah, no, because now, as we speak, there's these things happening. But no one really thinks there's going to be a nuclear war now. In the 80s, I remember, and watching like, what was it, TV AM and Diamond sort of talking quite like

sort of soberly about the prospect of nuclear war and I'd finish my toast and go all right I go to school let's make the most of it might be the last one yeah but around that time and the air like when the wind blows was a Christmas stocking film I think there was like

but I think like that whole cold war period we've completely forgotten about how intense it was especially in terms of like you know the news they really lent into that idea that we were constantly on the brink of war with Russia.

Yeah, you look back now, you go, I mean, I don't. But my mum says she remembers the Cuba crisis. But that was different. The Cuban misled. But that was a genuine crisis and that really, nearly did lead to. But this thing in the news now that spites, as we speak this way, it's like, it is a kind of contemporary equivalent of what we're these different. But no one seems that.

There seems to be a bizarre sort of. Well, every time Putin goes, I definitely would use them. It seems less plausible. Oh, I'm so, I'm sorry in the nuclear bottle right now. Don't make me mad But then, you know The Cold War thing happened Rocky Balboer for Ivan Drago

He won, he gave that speech And the Cold War ended so Where did you go to school? Do you say Southfield? Well, I went to, yeah, I went to Park House There was Rickards Lodge Richard's Lodge, yeah I know Rickard's Lodge

Do you remember the misogynist names For the girls' schools around that time? A hall house on the hill What? That was my school Rackard's Lodge Slappers Lodge Slappers Lodge

Yeah I mean it's so funny But we shouldn't say it But it was a funny name It's funny in a kind of on a way. Yeah, it's funny. It's funny how quickly, yeah, we've moved past that. That's what I'm saying.

It's outrageous. I mean, slap is sort of a funny word because it's so brutal. But yeah, I remember like all, and it was like women used to, like, growing women then used to hate girls schools. They would build up the mystique and the mythology or all you, my mom's like, you're not going to that place. You're not going. Well, you can't because it's an all girl school. No, no, to my sister. Oh, to your sister.

Oh, right. Well, I mean, I don't think all girls schools are great. I just don't think I don't know Single set schools are a kind of funny thing Anyway Well I went So I changed from a mixed school

That wasn't working for me You know And I went to then a single set school That was a boys school And it was more Matty Yeah more laddie Laddie

It wasn't Well actually it was Ladd Ladd Ladd in the boys school But it's sort of like It spoke to me more And it was like right You're gonna do rugby cricket and football Shut up getting line

No girls getting under your feet No goes Well it was getting up I mean I just found This is a loaded word But, like, as I started to hit puberty, I just very distracted by the presence of girls. Like, I was not. And then the moment I was just around boys, I was like, yeah, fine.

But there was a culture in that school. So they had an old boys club. What was the school called? Well, it was Rutlish. So you know Rudlish. I know Rutlish. So it had a grammar school passed, but then it was a comp. But it was a complete, like, sort of middle ground between those two cultures.

It was hanging on to its old grammar school all day. They used to have a speech night where they wear fucking robes. You know, it was weird. But they had an old boys club. And so you do certain sports and you drink with the teachers. And, you know, lines got blurred. It was like Rutlish old boys rugby club. Lines got blurred.

What went on? Just look. It was, you know, when people drink, there's fighting and, you know, there's, there's all, yeah, there was, there was things happened. What is her next photograph? Right, let's go. Is this with your mum? Yeah, that's, that's my mum. That's your lovely mum.

Jan. In your kitchen? Yeah, so that was when we moved. So we're in a council estate in Wimbledon, which gets no credibility. Because people go, oh, Wimbledon, but Wimbledon had, but Wimbledon had shit bits. Yeah. Yeah. But she was great.

I mean, she was so funny, man. Like, when you do comedy, there is this kind of sexist assumption where people, because my dad was a trade union guy and he spoke in public. People go, oh, you get it from your dad? Not really. It was my mum was the funny one like that. What was her humour? She just was smart, incisive.

She just had a comedy brain. Like, my dad had the stories about my dad are way funnier, because he was fucking, he did some mad, mental shit. But my mum was like the, like, she, of the two of them, she could have been a comedian. Really? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. She had just a sort of offbeat way of seeing the world.

Yeah. What does she think of what you do then? She must be very fast. So she passed before I'd really sort of, so I'd been doing it, you know, doing club comedy and stuff. But I always got the feeling that she could tell that what I was doing wasn't what I was supposed to be doing. She'd be like, oh, yeah, it's very good.

Very good, very good. Yeah, well done. You know, I go, okay, I just feel like that wasn't the full endorsement. But she was right because I hadn't yet worked out what I really wanted to do and say on stage, you know. That takes years, though. Yeah, it does take weirdly long. That's interesting that your mum had an instinct for it.

But she wouldn't have articulated it. Well, she would have seen me up on stage and she would probably go, showing off. That's not everything. She's not being his true comedic potential. Yeah, a little micro-judgment plus the amount of swearing. She hated the amount of swearing. Oh, moms don't like swearing.

They don't like swearing, do you know? Also total hypocrites, you know, swore all the time. That's what parents are. Yeah, but mum's reserved the right to hypocrisy more than anyone else, I think. Yep. As I say, no, as I do. 100%. And my mum also, when I do impressions of her, people think it sounds like a slightly homophobic impression of a gay man.

But she did have some of that energy about her. Like, whenever gay men matter, they loved her because she had that, you know, that strong. Slightly camp kind of like. Yeah, she was camp. Working class, there is something about, you know, the sniffiness of working class pride, which is sort of can feel camp at times. Yeah, yeah. She was full of, yeah, she was quite. I like her beaded curtains.

The beat, what is in the background now? Beated curtain. Love it. You don't see enough. You don't see beaded curtains anymore ever. Her and my stepdad, there was a lot of clutter. There was just always. But it was a thing.

Like this whole fengue, clear it out, Marie Kondo. That wasn't a thing. Why would you have got rid of stuff? Well, it's on my stuff. I've taken me years to collect of this stuff. And I'm going to hang on to it. I'm not letting it go. So when a good deal, you have to clear the house out, I would say.

When you're on day 20 of going through the loft. For stuff that was like, and if this is a very working class thing, is thinking stuff will be worth something. Oh, yeah, yeah. Either do you do that. You mark my words. You mark my words, boy. But my mum used to sell secondhand stuff on a stall.

So she would keep hold of everything because one day, and she do car boot sales and all that stuff. So one day I will sell it. And it's like, you won't. And it's like, put it back in the loft. Yeah, yeah. And then when I heard about cash for gold, you know what I mean. My mum loved a car boot as well.

Yeah, she loved the scene, you know. I love to see. I mean, I do feel bad that my kids will never know that, getting up at 5 o'clock in the morning in winter and driving. There's still car boots. I know, but I don't get involved in them now. That is a seminal part of my childhood is doing the car boot. You've done all right.

You don't, you know, you don't. They don't need to know about that. They can find that. But there is a thing. Yeah, and also you get like the, because you get the dealers that start. So they come around early because they're looking for the bargains. What about the people that just pick up a piece of crap?

And you go, 5P for that. They're like, I'll give you two. Yeah, they just, they want to negotiate. Five P! Yeah, you haven't got changed. Yeah. And they have to go home with that crap. If I was there, I'd go, great, you can keep it.

I just wanted to win the negotiation. I don't want that piece of shit in my house. Is this your next picture of this one? Yeah, I don't like to bring it up, but yeah, I did do a lot of gigs for the troops. That's the own reason I'm putting this phone. Where are you in that picture? I was in Helman Province. I don't like to bring it up.

It was a war zone. Don't want your little head there, ladies, you know, army stuff. It was those CSE gigs? It was, yeah, yeah. So there was a period in 2011 to 13 where, there was these two conflicts going on and there were certain acts that were suited to it. I was one of those acts.

And so once you did it once, like Afghanistan, you had all this security clearance and stuff. And just the fact that you were able to withstand being there meant that they were going to ask you to do it more often. So I did it five times in space of three years. Who did you go out with? I went with Rudy Liquid. I went out with...

But the interesting thing about those gigs was you worked with other artists. So you would have the band. Like that was cool. There was like a crew of you. They would have the dancers, which again sounds like a different era, but the girls would come on. They would say, they always say sexy, not smarty was the thing. It's good to have that distinction, isn't it?

Yeah, it's a fine line. The girls were, I mean, these are like, these girls were rock and roll, you know what I mean? There was like really young, not really. I mean, like early 20s, but they're out in war zones, you know what I mean? Like, if you look at, like, whatever your thoughts are politically about those conflicts, right, if you just bring it down to predominantly young men in a very stressful situation, It was like the most acute version of what it can be. But it was funny.

You talk about the dancing girls. I remember there was one. We were at Kandahar Air Base, and there was three air raids like things within the space of an hour. So I was getting worried. Like, you know, I was thinking, Jesus. I was going to say, were you scared? Yeah, I was.

It was really weird that, like, of the performers, the young ones without kids weren't scared. And everyone over age of 30 was scared. And I remember there was a girl on stage dancing. She was doing like a chair dance. It wasn't stripping. It was sexy, not smiling. Yeah.

But she was like, get down and she just lay across the chair. And then just coincidentally, the light was shining off her sequin hot pants. And like it created this incredible aesthetic. Yeah. Which was the off her backside, basically. It was this big shaft of light going up into the sky. And then all like all the squadies started like laughing because it just looked so weird.

Yeah. And then like they were shut up. You'll shut up. And you know when you're getting told off. Like so the senior ranking officers, like, stop laughing. It's not funny. And then everyone's laugh. It's the absurdity.

Well, it's sort of like, you know, you're against the, like, the opposition was a regime, but weren't that fond of women doing stuff like that. And you go, look what we're doing. Yeah. We're literally bouncing a light into the night sky off her backside. Off her seat queen on a bump. Yeah. I remember someone recommending me to do, though.

I don't think I, I think they recommended me. I don't, I never got asked to do them. But I just remember thinking, is that, you know, for how many women did it? Not many. There was more coming in towards the end. I was thought like I could, I think you'd have done well. I think you both would have done well in the gigs. But, you know, if you are seasoned, if you're a seasoned club comment.

Do you think head of like my washing machine material at that point? But you'd be, if they'd have given you shit, you would have put them down. And like, I remember like some of the female singers would go out and the lads would say things that were, you know, looking back fairly right. Inappropriate. Yeah. Yeah. But that's the gig. That is.

But, but what they were waiting for was the woman to shame them, right? Right. So there was a singer called Chenade and then like, they would say. say something and she would just basically say yeah the tiny dick and that shut that down I know they love it like it didn't take much they really wanted the woman to put the guy down and have a great gig but yeah it's quite an extreme version of performing I was saying like bloats call each each other's behaviour out more directly on an ongoing basis sometimes to excess but girls will be more subtle you know it's a more loaded process to for a group of female friends to tell one of them

you're acting like a knob like that is a massive shout yeah like that is a massive shout yeah like that is You know, 10 years of conflict could come from that. So, yeah, if somebody you don't know, kind of, with a female audience member, you have to give them several chances because you have to have the audience so on side. Before you can even approach it. Where's a blois? Like, shouts once. You go, shut up, bawledy.

And, like, and everybody, yeah, they love being called baldie. Yeah, it's their favourite. Well, having said that, you know, now I look back, you know, you try and be more open-minded. I sort of think, like, yeah, some blokes are bald probably really not happy about it. and one guy wanted to fight me after a gig once. And it wasn't even because of something I said. Me and Jeff White were doing a double-hander. He did the first half hour, right?

The Jets. The two Jets, right? Is that what you called it? Yeah, the two, it was like a Christmas gig at a village hotel. The two Jets. I love it. So White and went on and... Killed the room.

Jeff went on. And he, I was thinking he had a pretty good gig. What? I hope he recorded it. And he said to this guy, this guy went to heckling him. He went nice and he said, care cup, mate. Shame you forgot to bring it. It's an old line. I think it's a good line, right. The guy immediately went, right, I'll see you at the bar, mate. And he stood out there drinking whiskey because

he was going to fight, Jeff. And then meanwhile, we've crossed over. It's another Jeff. This guy comes back in, thinks I'm Jeff Whiteham, comes down to the front and go, and I just stood there. He said, what do you think's going to happen next? I said, well, I think everyone thinks you're a tosser. And he's like, all right, you got me twice now. See you in the car park. I was, what got you got you twice? Yeah, we thought I was, he doubled up your desk. Yeah, but I mean, like, doesn't he recognize the other thing? Like, you're completely not. I don't know if he was. What happened?

He didn't fight the guy. He waited for me afterwards. And like he really like he was, because the reason he lost his hair was something to do a big stress in his life. Like I felt for him. But he's also, I was like, do you want to talk about it? You know, but then he's like, no, I want to fight you. I was like, all right.

I'm seeing where the stress comes from, mate. Turn it down or not. Well, he said, then he said to me like, I was like, well, if we're going to find, let's do it here. He's like, no, let's go to a dark corner of the car park. I was like, absolutely not. Like, you seem like you know what you're doing. I want cameras.

get the shit. Because you were sort of therapyed him out of this conflict. I felt like I could have. But then the funny thing was, so I rang Jeff White in afterwards. He knows about this story. Wait, wait a second. Did you fight him?

No, no. So I just, I kept saying, look, if we're going to fight, we're going to fight here. And in the end, I think his wife eventually, she was sort of begging him on at first. And then she sort of saw sense. I think she sobered up a bit. So I was on the way home and I rang Jeff White. And I told him the whole story. I was in the state of stress.

And he went, yeah, okay, mate. I left some of my stuff there. Is any chance you can go back? Oh my God. That's that. Yeah, Jeff. Just pop in. By the seven-time world's best leisure airline champions, Air Transat.

That's annoying. What? You're a muffler. You don't hear it? Oh, I don't even notice it. I usually drown it out with the radio. How's this? Oh, yeah.

Way better. Save on insurance by switching to Bell Air Direct and use the money to fix your car. Bell Air Direct. Insurance, simplified. Conditions apply. Maybe it's Maybelaine is such an iconic piece of music. Hit the track.

Everyone in the studio that I worked on this jingle with all had like childhood stories or memories around either watching these commercials on TV or sitting with our moms while they were doing their makeup and it became really personal for us. Oh, this, come on, let's talk about. Let's talk about this legend. Oh, yeah. So that's a photo of Russ Abb. It's a photo of a photo of Russ Abbott.

So when I was small, I loved comedy. I loved Russ Abbott because he was very funny. Basild and Bond. He was on telly all the time. Without Bazard and Bond, there's no Austin Powers. Let's just say that. Not lawsuit level, but he walked so Mike Myers could run. You know, Cooper Man.

CUeman, yeah. See you Jimmy was a little bit culturally looking back. That was... Do you see you Jimmy? See you Jimmy? And that you're at. See you to me. No, that was funny.

But I loved it. My mum, like, she was a big, like, she was a very godmother type of mom. She was, like, creating dreams for us all. And so she would get a bee in her bonnet. She was like, well, I'm going to, you're going to meet Russ Abbott. So unbeknownst to me, she got in touch with the team from Surprise, Surprise, Surprise. You know, Cidabye. It wasn't on air, but she still managed to make them facilitate a meeting with me and Russ Abbott.

Where? How? He was in some theory. He was in me and my girl in the West End. And my mom took me into life. He's like, you're going to meet Russ Abbott today. Oh. I went in there and he was so nice

I mean you think about male celebrities from that era if he just said oh I love give us 20 minutes Shut the door behind you know that could have happened but it didn't he was really nice

and I went in there and I told him this joke that didn't make sense it was real like non-circoccurial well he paused and then laughed but I don't know if he sort of said to his agent and he was like this is the new wave of stuff we need to jump on this

jokes that don't have punchlines all make sense you know and he was right how right he would be proved. Oh, he was beloved. I mean, this man or what happened to Russ Abbott? He still, I think he's still alive.

Is he still performing? Such a kind man. Like, he was just genuinely, you know, when you're in a room with someone, even as a nine-year-old, like I could feel like he was just a good person. And then what happened was, afterwards, his agent got in touch and said,

like, does your son want to be part of, like, the chorus line, you know, me and my girl? What? And my mum said, no, because we're going to New Romney. Oh, no. Oh, my man. What? Well, my mum told me latterly.

And I was like, I remember as a kid thinking, well, why did she let me know that the offer was even made? You know, like, I thought she was just very transparent. She would just say what was ever on. I don't really know. I don't really. I think maybe. I could have changed your life. It was my first ever inadvertent review.

You're like, yeah, it's not really, not yet. That's interesting because that does kind of echo what you said about your mom's about your early stand-up. Yeah, not yet. There was a point. I think, yeah, I don't know when it happened when I started to think, I think my mum would like what I'm doing now. It's not to do the political stuff. It's just being like bold on stage, taking risks, risking not being liked, you know, all that sort of stuff, which I think any good stand-up, you don't have to do it all the time, isn't? You don't want to go and be a total prick.

Yeah. But nothing makes me more suspicious in a stand-up when they have a palpable need to make you think they're a good person. Right. Because you think, like, I don't think that's, like, I really love stand-up that is willing to lay bare your inconsistent. That's what I've always loved about your stuff is just that relatability, just a human condition. We just go like your own hypocrisy. People always say, are you affecting a point of view or whether it's your attitude to parenting or whatever. No, but you've always been transparent about your hypocrisies as well.

Yeah, yeah. Because I think all you go, look, I might not think what I just said all the time. But I did think that once. It crossed my mind. And I thought it was funny that I thought it. So I'm telling you now. But I love that. But isn't that what comedy is?

You're saying the thing that is unsaid. Yeah, yeah. No one's saying it. You go, well, I'm going to say it. And everyone goes, well, I'm not going to admit that I've thought that. You know, that's the whole point. Well, the new show that I'll be working on, I've been talking about like how judge you I am of other parents.

And it's that safety thing. The people say you shouldn't judge. Yes, you should, right, especially in my job. And you kind of go, it's literally our job. It's literally our job. And then you kind of go, well, what they mean is you shouldn't verbalise the judgment. But what stand-ups have is a unique license to go, I'm pretty sure that this might sound out there, but I bet you've all thought this too or you've contemplated.

Totally. Especially parenting. Yeah. But you're all kind of, uh, ability to just skewer those real domestic. I mean, bits of your, there are, you know how some comics you've just got bits that have become part of your life?

Yeah, yeah. Your walking past stuff on the stairs is now ingrained into my life because it still winds me up that I will walk past stuff on the stairs. Yeah. And I just always remember your bit. Yeah.

I just, I can't stand it. It's funny for my, well, it's not funny for my wife because she goes, 20 years ago you did that routine and you're still walking past stuff on the stairs. The one that people quote back to me most is the thing about medals, like, you know, like me doing a rare bit of housework. Oh, yeah, that's really good. And then telling my wife it's the reporting of it,

I say, babe, I did the hooey and she's like, well, do you want a medal? And I'm like, yeah. Yeah, I think, yeah, like, be honest. So most folks would have to go, no, no, but I can go as a stand-up, yes. Yeah, men like medals. Why do you think we go to more? You're good at the whole boy man. I like the boy man.

Well, I think it's that thing of, like with couples like when they're out, it's just whether or not, it doesn't even matter if it's like the man or the woman or whatever kind of relationship you're in. It's just, do I see that? Because you momentarily, you feel your other half is explained to you or you feel validated. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, you know, I still think it's the best kind of comedy is that. Oh, God, I love it.

Yeah, yeah. It always, it always will be, I think. The challenge is always, I think, to be going into new terrain. with it. So like for the new tour coming up, like I've been talking about clips and reels. So you know how like, I think like I, men not watch depraved shit like, you know, like it's really bad. A lot of fighting. We watch fighting clips and stuff. Whereas my wife, she watches like this wholesome stuff. And but I think like women are more collegiate. So she'll send me a clip, you know, for the day. She'll send me a clip. You wouldn't be sending her your

clips. Exactly. So then also a lot of women I've noticed when I talk about is they'll then go, did you get a clip? And then on the brink. And then on the, He's got to do homework as well. So he's got this sort of to-do list. And, you know, one of the things I think is in 2024, no one's short of content, right? Right. You don't need the clips.

Yeah, but then you have to go, yeah, yeah, I saw the clip, yeah, the deaf baby that heard its mum's voice for the first time. Yeah, yeah, very moving, yeah. So it just makes me also realize that my wife's more wholesome than me. Yeah, yeah, you know, mine's all, fighting and fighting and, yeah. I don't want to know.

Yeah, yeah. I don't want to know what you're looking at on the dark web. It's a coping strategy. So, if you guys are. sending me your clips, my algorithm would be fucked. In a good way, actually, Jay. So you're on tour, is that?

Yeah, I tried to tease it a little bit, haven't I? No, let's tee it up. Work in progress leg March and April of next year. And then I'll eventually do a full tour, starting from the autumn. Then there's obviously the weekly topical comedy podcast. Not obviously, I mean, but there is one that I do. Do you do that with someone else or is that your...

I do it with kind of, I guess, it's called what most people think. So I do it with... So it's been going five years and I finally found the format. Right. And it's quite, it's quite. So there's hope for us, right. It's a bit groundbreaking.

I talk about the news and do jokes about it. Oh, I haven't heard of anything like that before. It's a new thing I'm trying to work out. But no, I like doing the podcast. There's a good discipline about it. Every week. Oh, you guys are you series. You know, you call cat podcasters.

You see every bloody week over that microphone. And do you do it remotely or are you doing it? I do it at home. I think it really annoys my, not annoys, but surprises my wife that I haven't missed a week of it because of all the other failings that I have and things I'm unable to remember to do. You walk past shit on the stairs,

but you get that pocket. But we like get back from like going on a holiday and I'll be up there at 11pm like, got to have the podcast up. Oh, brilliant. That's great. Yeah, it's desperate as well. Let's be honest.

Thank you so much. Thank you. Brilliant stories, brilliant photos. Cool. Yeah, that was fun. Go see Jeff on tour. Are you ready for the season that is jolly? Not, how do you mean ready?

How are we, how are we defining ready? Emotionally, emotionally. Emotionally, yeah. Yeah, emotionally I am. Logistically, no. I haven't done anything. I haven't like engaged, like I haven't done any Christmas shopping. I haven't put any decorations up.

I haven't got the Christmas box out of the loft. I haven't done any of that. I haven't like thought about any of that. Okay. But emotionally, yeah, I'm up for it. I'm up for it. That's interesting. I think a couple of weeks ago when you were talking.

about wintering. Yeah, wintering. Immediately I was, I sort of poo-poed. But you're asking, you've come around to it a little bit in as much as, what am I doing with my hands? No, no, no, I mean, what are you doing to winter? I am not, I haven't actually started wintering yet because I haven't accepted that Christmas is occurring, but I will.

So what I'm going to do is I'm going to see Christmas as this month and not as a day because the day just really stresses me the fuck out. That's the secret is it's not a day. I can't. fucking stand it. Christmas Day to me, apart from the bit where the kids get really excited,

I love all that. But then after that, I'm like, all right, let's wrap this shit up. The day is too much. I'm a lot of fun around Christmas. The day I find stressful

and unenjoyable. But the season... Yeah, the season. That's the trick. Yes. You start getting the fairy lights out. You dress the truce. You start with the mint pies.

You watch a Christmas movie. Yes. You get booblay out. You get boo. I thought you were going to say something else. You get your booblet out. You start wintering, seasonal. You get like foraging.

I'm going to make a wreath. I make a wreath for the door. You do that every year, don't you? Yeah, I do. Yeah. Forage for the seasonal debris. I might put a plastic bag in it this year. It's one of those plastic bags filled with a dog shit.

I think that just hanging off the end of your wreath. Yeah. Things I foraged locally down some alleys, upstreet and common. A dog shit bag and some mistletoe. I love that you make a wreath. That's great. Chloe made one. I'm really middle-aged.

She's fully rething. Yeah, she loves doing all of that. It's a fun thing to do. Yeah, sure. As we've discussed before, me and Chloe like a bit of crafting. You do. You love crafting, and I love that for you. And there's going to be, there's a craft fair extravaganza happening every week here in Brighton.

Yeah, this is the season for all that shit. Christmas crafting. Mold wine. Do you know what? Mold wine, I don't even really like Mold wine, but I like to have one just because it's like,

do, do, do, do, do, exactly. And you have it. Bube play on in the background. And I've got like a muff. You've got a miff. Let's go in for the double entendre of muff chat. What do you mean you've got a muff?

Right. A muff is like one of those Doris Day handwarming things that she'd wear in those old 50s films where she'd go ice skating with a boy she found. said. Yeah. And she'd like go ice skating and she put her hands in a muff.

Right. That seems like that seems quite unsafe. No. No, well, it's definitely unsaf. Well, no, I think it's very safe because if you do fall over, you can get your hands out fairly quick. Okay. All right. Anyway, she's a very good ice skater.

Okay. I'll take your word for it. Doris Day could do anything she wanted to. Kerry, why do you own a muff? I haven't. But in my head, I kind of like that kind of retro 50s Christmas. vibe. Do you know what I mean? A snood and a muff. Yeah, a snood. Doris State muff and you could go ice skating even though there's no berwarming so there's no ice. But in olden times you would have gone down the

Thames and you'd have skated down the Thames. What in like no one's been skating on the Thames since like for about five or six hundred years surely? No, maybe a hundred years, not five or six. Like they were doing it in Victorian times. Were they? Did you know there was a, no, actually did you know there was a mini ice age during the Victorian time. Which is why we have always the association of there being snow at Christmas because it did use the snow every year of Christmas because there was a mini ice age in Dickensian. Exactly. And they had ice skating down the Thames.

They have markets on the Thames. They have markets on the Thames. Did they? Yeah. They never have a whole market. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm sure I didn't make that up. I would not want to do that.

No, thank you. Well, fortunately, we're not a history podcast. We're a, no, go to this. Go to the rest of history. Yeah, you might need to look that up. Was there a winter market on the Thames in Victorian times? Answers on the postcard. I say yes.

Okay, I'm not going to say no because I've already just said there was a mini ice age, which is a thing that I didn't know about until someone told me. But in my head, that's what Christmas should be. Yes. Yes, I agree. We should all be having Christmas, but not the Christmas markets we get now, which is just like a, prefab shed full of crap.

Yeah. And it's every, any, any, and they're called like German Christmas markets. If I was German, I'd be wondering around going, please stop saying German and prefixing German in front of whatever the fuck this is because it's disappointing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And there's only so much versed you can eat.

What is that? Sausage. I don't eat sausages, do I? No, you don't, no. You're missing out, actually. No, I've heard, I had years of eating sausages. I only gave up sausages in my early 40s. So I definitely, I covered sausages.

You've covered it. I'll tick sausages off. Have you? Life, yeah. I'll just feel like tick, done sausages. I stopped eating sausages like very early on. But I still eat versed. Sorry, I mean, yeah, that was.

You've gone, you see what I mean with the muff thing? You've really got, you've really gone down. I can't. You brought up the muff thing so then I had to, I had to like even out the double entendres. That's what happened there. Yeah, fair enough. This is what happens with comedians.

They just can't help themselves. You can't. A cock joke's a cock joke. Bring it. Am I right? 100% mate. I had something else on my, like just resting here on my forehead of something I was going to ask you. Yeah, podcasting.

I've been doing loads of podcasting because I'm doing tour promoting. Talk, tell, describe what's happening. Right. So I've been doing lots of podcasts and promotion for my tour. I've been doing work in progress shows for my tour. My tour went on sale. Oh my God. Because you're available now.

Yes. And do go on to Kerry Godliman's Instagram page to check out all of her tour promo. Yes. Directed by Frank, her son. Absolute dynamite. He's great, isn't he? He's very clever. Very good.

Someone very politely said to me the other day, Kerry, who's doing that with you? Because you're not capable of that technical? No. No. It's pretty obvious. Nobody does. Frank's doing it. Yeah.

Yeah. But do you know what he's done? Is he really knows his mum? Yeah. I mean, you know, I'd like to say it's a collaborative project. I'm sure. I'm sure. But tonally.

Wow. Yeah. I said, look, mate, just catcher my spirit in jump cuts and he smashed it. I mean, literally. Absolutely smashed it. We had a lovely time making those. That should go for, if that doesn't get a BAFTA. I reckon it could get a BAFTA.

Yeah, could get a BAFTA. After short film. After short. I think we'd all up our game a bit, wouldn't we? In terms of tour promo, if there was an award available. Definitely. Can you imagine? When I was told or advised rather by my agent to do a bit of tour promo,

and you know what I'm like about creating content? Doesn't come naturally to me. I love it. Okay, how am I going to do it in a way that is fun for me and maybe? And genuine. Yeah, and I had a really good time. We had a really good time making those. You can tell.

Yeah, they were a lot of. I mean, Frank, even though you can't see Frank's face, there was a glee. His voice. His voice. Oh, yeah. And that jump scare, he got me to do a jump scare and he thought that I was faking it. I wasn't faking it. He genuinely tricked me into thinking the dog had crapped in the house.

Oh, I genuinely thought that you were genuine. I didn't think that wasn't genuine. No, he couldn't believe that I fell for it. He was like, surely you knew I was sitting. up and filming you, I went no. Oh my God, absolutely brilliant. Because you're not thinking as a content proviser ever, Kerry. So it never would occur to you that that would be like, oh, this is something that we'll

put on the internet later. No, even though I said to him, at the beginning of that weekend, I went, right, I need to make a film to promote my tour. Let's do it like this. We'll make it a fun kind of sort of silly, jump cut e, blah, blah, blah. He understood immediately what I wanted and I just left him to make it. And so he did. He was great.

Yeah. I want the full. I want the full one though, because I've got two little ones. So what I want is for Frank to put the whole thing together. Yeah, that's what I need to do. You know when your phone's got belly button fluff in it? And you have to stick, yes.

And you have to stick a cocktail stick in your phone belly button. Nope. And give it a wiggle about. I've never heard that. Phones get like fluff in this bit. Yeah. I don't have that problem. I don't know if you've swirved that problem.

I think because I'm just not a fluffy person. Fluffs everywhere, mate. Well, with you, it is. It seems to be for you. You're saying that I've got a dirty house. No, I'm saying. Do you know actually what I'm saying, actually, Kerry, is that you are filled with electricity and so static.

That's what's happening. So the fluff, Chris Packets, fluff, that's attracted to you. Yeah, like, you know, like an alleyway that's just full of shit. You know, all the wind has blown in, like animal hair and bags and shopping trolleys. That's what stuck down my phone. That's the alleyway. What about this? Phone anus.

A phone anus is that how you refer to the socket in your phone as an anus? Right. Phone anus. Right. Yes. Yes. Yes. So whenever you plug in your phone, it's into its anus.

Yes, that's how I'm anthropomorphising. That's how your phone receives its charge through its butthole. Through his barthole. I'm Max Rushden. I'm David O'Darady. And we'd like to invite you to listen to our new podcast. What Did You Do Yesterday? It's a show that asks guests the big question.

Quite literally, what did you do yesterday? That's it. That is it. Max, I'm still not sure. Where do we put the stress? Is it what did you do yesterday? What did you do yesterday? You know what I mean?

What did you do yesterday? I'm really down playing it. Like, what did you do yesterday? Like, I'm just a guy just asking a question. But do you think I should go bigger? What did you do yesterday? What did you do yesterday? Every single word this time I'm going to try

and make it like it is the killer word. What did you do yesterday? I think that's too much, isn't it? That is, that's over the top. What did you do yesterday? Available wherever you get your podcasts every Sunday.