Memory Lane with Kerry Godliman and Jen Brister - S04 E08: Pierre Novellie

Episode Date: March 26, 2025

"He went through a phase of slapping my torso and saying YOU BIG STRONG MAN... Hello BUM EYES..." We have the brilliant stand-up comedian Pierre Novellie on the podcast this week talking about his autism, his life growing up in South Africa and the Isle of Man (oh dear Kerry) as well as loads of other bits. Kerry gets food poisoning just before we record - makes a brief appearance and then has to go home - so Jen steps in and maybe does too well without her... Pierre's book - Why Can't I Just Enjoy Things? - is out now to buy in paperback - https://geni.us/pierrenovelliepb Plus... Kerry and Jen introduce the show and discuss her being sick, Kerry's brilliant tour show and Jen travelling up to the Isle of Skye JEN & KERRY STAND-UP TOURS Kerry's 2025 tour is on sale now - https://www.ticketmaster.co.uk/kerry-godliman-tickets/artist/1866728 Jen's 2025 tour is on sale now - https://www.jenbrister.co.uk/tour/ PHOTOS PHOTO 1: Snappy Nappies PHOTO 2: Graduation PHOTO 3: First show PHOTO 4: Cadets PHOTO 5: Big Strong Man PICS & MORE - https://www.instagram.com/memory_lane_podcast/ A Dot Dot Dot Production produced by Joel Porter Hosted by Jen Brister & Kerry Godliman Distributed by Keep It Light Media Sales and advertising enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Along with your favorite restaurant food, alcohol, and other everyday essentials. Order Uber Eats now. For alcohol, you must be legal drinking age. Please enjoy responsibly. Product availability varies by region. for details. Hello and welcome to Memory Lane. I'm Jen Bristair and I'm Kerry Godleman. Each week we'll be taking a trip down Memory Lane with our very special guest as they bring in four photos from their lives to talk about. To check out the photos we'd be having a natter with them about,

they're on the episode image and you can also see them a little bit more clearly on our Instagram page. So have a little look at Memory Lane podcast. Come on, we can all be nosy together. I was very impressed with you the other day because when we were last together I was throwing up and you knew lots of things that I didn't know you told me that I needed like I went home and I got the diarolite and I did all the things you told me to do

and I was like Jen knows stuff man Oh my God that's weird because at the time I thought you were ready to punch me in the face for suggesting things No no no I was in trouble when I lost I was really struggling to hold down I mean, that was really bad.

You did not look well. I mean, I didn't want to say anything at the time, but you looked fucking awful. I was looking at you going, she's sweating. What's going on? I could tell that at any moment it was one of all both ends. And that I felt for you because I've been there. And I know what it's like. We've all been there.

We know that feeling where it's kind of the sweats come. Food poisoning. People are talking to you. People are talking to you. You're like, don't talk to me. I can't talk to you. But you were right. I did need to go home and get like rehydrate and get my salt and sugar and all that stuff.

That's a few months in India that taught me that. Let me tell you. I came home, Ben went down, Super Drug, got me the sachets and I went to bed. God, man. Ask me in goat cheese. I think we're done. I think so. I don't think.

I think that might be you and Keish done. No, can't say goodbye to Keish. Love a Keish. What? Are you joking? That would have, that's, that's Keish over. Kish is dead No, no, no

No, you're going to have a kish after that? The thing is, no, the thing is with that particular Kish, it was a huge, did you see it? No, because you'd eaten it by the time I arrived. It was a massive disc of goat's cheese. It was more goat's cheese than Kish. You don't want that much goat's cheese and the keesh. No, no one wants that much goes to.

I just, oh, I can't talk about it. We can't, we won't. Let's not, let's not, let's move on. Okay. So I came to see your show at the Brighton, Corn Exchange, which by the way, what a beautiful venue. What a room. What a gorgeous room.

It's been newly refurbished and it's lovely. It's lovely. I'll tell you why it's lovely. It's lovely in the audience. Is it? Yes. I think anywhere you are in that room, that's a good seat. There's no shit seat.

There's no shit seats. Great. Well, that's good to hear because I was on the other side. I was on the stage. Oh, you were on our side. Yeah, it would have been weird if you'd been on our side, actually. My friend Rosie came and she's seen music in that room, but not comedy. Mr Rosie.

Yes, you were. I don't know why my voice got so high pitched, but yes. But yes, it was a very exciting Friday night Brighton gig. Three shows into my tour. Look, it's in great shape. And as I said to you, on the phone, that woman behind me, I thought she was going to have an asthma attack. Maybe she'd had some goat cheese.

Maybe. Do you know what? I hadn't thought about that. And if I had, I would have covered the back of my head in case there had been any unnecessary spray. Who are you talking to this week? Because as we just explained, I was very, very ill when we did this record, so I wasn't there. No, you weren't there because unfortunately, Kerry, you had absolutely horrific food poisoning.

Coming out of your ears, your nose and your eyeballs. Yeah. So I abandoned you and I lovely guess me. So who were you talking to? I was talking to the very lovely piano belly. He's such an interesting bloke. Honestly, I could have talked to him for hours. He's really, and he's just, and if you get a chance to catch him,

do stand-up, he's really funny. Anyway, I really enjoyed this conversation. Here we are. This is me. Flying Solo, chatting to the wonderful piano. Yeah, egg. Exposed egg. Don't say exposed egg ever again. That is the most disgusting thing

I've ever heard in my life. Exposed egg. And that is exactly what a quiche is. All day. An exposed egg. But it is a cooking. exposed egg. True.

Although, I don't know. Do they cook it enough? Well, my thing about quiche is, why is it like spongy? What have they done to the egg? Yeah, I made the mistake once of thinking to myself, you know what? I want to make an omelet, but I don't want to be dicking around with a whisk all morning. So I'll use like a blender to like blend the eggs. Oh, okay.

Oh, no. It added way too much air. Frothy. So it was a kind of egg foam. blob I heated. It was awful, yeah. It didn't have any density to it. No, I mean.

It was such an error. It was like trying to cook the sea. The sea. Yeah, you're basically cooking foam. Like none of it would, yeah, no, it was a bit, I don't recommend. Yeah. And not filling. How many eggs did you use in the omelet?

Just out of curiosity. Three. How big was the omelet? It must have taken up three plates, but actually tasted of nothing. Yeah, just like eating a ghost. Sort of smelly ghost. Yeah. It's horrible.

Oh, God. Well, thanks for coming. I'm sorry. Thank you for having me. Kerry's not well at the moment. She might come back in a minute, but she ate, as we were talking, a very dodgy kish. Yeah. But it's lovely to have you, and I know that you have got a book that came out in July.

Tell us, what's it called? It's called, Why Can't I Just Enjoy Things? Okay. And the subheading is a comedian's guide to autism. The publisher said, oh, if you call it autobiography, those sell more from. comedians and I said, well, it's not, so I won't. Which is quite autistic. That was very on brand.

Yeah. And it isn't, it is a guide. Like, I use my memories. Yeah. But only insofar as they're relevant. Yeah. You're not covering every single thing. No.

No. And it's not about your career in comedy. No. I'm using my memories as examples to explain things about autism chapter by chapter. And how, how easy did you find it to write? Like, it was easy to structure at least. because each chapter you could be like food issues or like texture, you know, sensory stuff or like each category of something to do with autism would lend itself to a chapter.

Whereas I guess it's harder to structure something like fiction because you're going, well, what's this chapter? What's happening in this chapter? I have to structure a story. Nothing that suggests itself. Whereas a guide is quite easy to structure because it's a guide. Where do you start? Where do you end?

Yeah. And also did you find that because you put it into those chapters rather than thinking that you were writing a book, because that's what I did with mine, like, because that's what I did with mine. Mine was like a memoir, but ultimately what I did is I went, what's it like when the kids, when we were trying to get pregnant, what was it like, Chloe pregnant, what was it like after that? What was it like, do you know what I mean? So I did every, so I never considered the fact that I was writing a book.

This mountain. Yeah. I'm not climbing a mountain. I'm going ledge by ledge. Exactly. If I had for a second gone, fuck me, I'm writing a book. I don't think I could have done it. But just to go right, I just write this chapter, this bit.

And I used to almost think of it as I was, I mean, I don't know if this is good idea, but I thought of it as writing a blog or something. Yeah. Yeah. And also, I was lucky because I wanted the book to be something that you could just pick up. And if you were only interested or worried about X, you could just flick to that chapter. Right. It didn't have to be in order.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so I didn't have to write it in order. And in fact, shouldn't. Yes, of course. So I sort of went, okay, well, where to begin? And I just chose the topic that I thought would be the easiest to start with. Yeah. Which is lucky because that was like chapter seven or something.

something. What was the first chapter you wrote? Well, the first chapter I wrote was about executive dysfunction, but not being able to get things done or start projects. So I thought, that's quite funny. I'll start with the problem of not starting. Like, that will be the first one I write, because I'm having such a hard time starting this. Is that, oh my God, that is so, oh my God, that is so interesting that you say that. So the starting of something, if, you know, for people who are autistic, that that is, because I feel like that could be for many of us, but what do you, What does that mean, executive dysfunction, if you were to describe it? It's one of the things that crosses over quite heavily with ADHD.

A lot of autism, one, which used to be called Asperger's, has a lot of crossover with ADHD. Right. They're very similar. And executive dysfunction is up there. So, for example, my whole life, I always thought to myself, why don't I just do things when I have to do them? Why do I constantly play this fucking endless game of chicken with myself where I just leave things to the last minute or create all these like little rules that I have to do. I can't start till I do the What is it?

Who is this for? Who is watching me on CCTV going, ah, good, and executive dysfunction is part of that, just like an inability to start or if you're sort of all or nothing perfectionist. That can be quite a problem where you think, well, if I start, then I've got a flawed project.

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That was awesome. Now that's a mountain of entertainment. Paramount Wolf. Wow, did I ruin it by making it real? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you know what? It's so funny. hearing you say that because I, you know, I can think of at least two other comedians

who have had quite a recent diagnosis of autism who fit that to the tea. Yeah, it's one of the big ones. Well, we'll talk more about your book, but I want to go to your photos now. Oh, yeah. And I know you said that they're not in order, but let's have a look. Okay. I mean, I think I can pretty much guess that this might be the first one. The baby picture is the first one.

Oh, my God. Just, Pierre, you are adorable. That is literally a cherub. I'm one there. Oh my gosh, were you tall? Because you're a tall man. I was quite a big kid, yeah. I wasn't born, like, I wasn't like one of those world record-breaking weights of, you know, birth weights.

I think I was average. But I was, yeah, I was big. I wasn't that, I wasn't like notably bigger than everyone else until I was sort of 11 or 12. Right, okay. But I was one of the big kids. As the hormones kicked in. And where did you grow up? Where were you born?

Born in Johannesburg, in South Africa. And then we left when I was, just before I turned seven, we moved to the Isle of Man. You moved to the, so you went from Joburg to the Isle of Man? Yeah, for the opposite. What? That must have been quite the culture shock for all of your family. Yeah, it was weird. We, um...

Because the Isle of Man is very, like... Okay, so I've been. I've only been to South Africa once and I've never been to Johannesburg, so I cannot comment on Johannesburg. But I think in some ways there's like, I've been to Durban and I thought like for a lot of white people in Durban, their whole world was relatively small within that community. And also just in South Africa, especially in Johannesburg, anyone middle class, your life is your kind of weird fortified house, a kind of fortified shopping mall and whatever fortified office you work in. And a gym? Yeah, so it is quite... And you just drive between them.

It's a bit like America in that respect. Like, you only drive, you don't walk. I'd never walked anywhere until I moved here. I didn't know about the not walking. So it was only when we went to Durban and we were walking around. And a guy literally ran out of his shop and said, what are you doing? What are you doing? And where are you going?

And I said, oh, we're just walking. And he went, you don't walk. He dragged us into his shop and orders us a taxi and went, wherever your hotel is, you go back to your hotel now and you stay there. And I was like, oh, okay. Yeah, that's about right. And what kind of kid were you growing up? Weird.

Yes, of course you were. Yeah, weird kid. I... Mates? Yeah, I did, but I was like... South Africa is a strict country. In South Africa, my parents were the cool, chill parents. Okay.

And my friends were like, wow, your parents are nice. What do you mean, like, strict? In what way? Like... Quite conservative? Yeah, but sort of socially conservative in the sense that, like, no swearing. Like don't say damn or God or like people are quite religious. Oh, right.

I didn't know that. On average, you know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Obviously you go to Cape Town and you go to some artist's commune. You can say, damn, as much as you want. That's the only place I've been to is Cape Town and it just felt quite liberal in that respect. Oh, yeah, yeah. But it just sort of depends.

And it wasn't even for my parents' sake. They were just like, we don't want to have to get looked at in a shop because we've got a kid who from that is swearing. Yeah, yeah. Or blaspheming. Well, you were seven, to be fair. Yeah, exactly, yeah, it would be a bit much. It would be a bit weird. But then when we moved here, I had suddenly the strictest parents anyone had ever heard of.

But nothing about them had changed. Yeah, yeah, compared to all the Englishmen. I think having immigrant parents, they are always stricter. Like, my mum was way stricter than my mates who had English parents. And I couldn't explain to them. There was like, oh, my mom would let me do that. And they were like, why? And I was like, because she's, I mean, foreign.

Yeah. She's foreign and she said so. And I'm not going to. do things and... And I was never going to argue with my mom. No, God, no. No. But that's the thing. When I went around to friends' houses and stuff, I was like, from their parents'

point of view, an eerily formal... I can totally imagine you be like, child. Hello, sir. Thank you for having me in your home. It's like an eight-year-old. And sort of, I found it very difficult to learn. And this is like an autism thing as well where I sort of thought, I was much happier with a system of rules.

Yeah. Social etiquette. You go, great. I'll follow the rules. And as long as you follow the rules, no one is offended. Yeah. Perfect. And there's no gray.

This is this. There's no gray. When there are no rules and every house is different and it's like, hey, I let my kids watch horror films. You just think, I don't think we're allowed to watch horror films, but you're also the parent. So that kind of thing, I just thought, what the hell is happening? This is chaos now. Yeah, but it was. I mean, you know, I think I found it really weird going at Rantamate's house.

And there was such a chasm between what you were allowed to do in very, very, you know, in degrees. And I used to find that a little bit to scumbululating. But when you like to systemize things in your brain and you're like, okay, so I figured this out and this will make me feel comfortable in this situation. Also, when you're a kid, you don't want to be around talking to other people's parents. No. No. That whole thing is like, right? Yeah. And I used to hate it when the parents try to be your friend. I was like, because my mom would never try to be any kid's friend. No, yeah. Yeah. He's like, you're in my house. These are my rules and you follow these rules on the end. So any parent's like, hey, so what are you being up to? I was like, what is wrong with

this person? You're not my friend. Yeah. Your kid is my friend, you weirdo. Kerry, welcome back. I'm really sorry. We missed you. I was sick in a park. Oh, God. Why didn't you go?

Do you want to do your toilet? I got caught out. I wanted the fresh air and then was like, oh, I'm going to be sick and then we're sick in a park. Oh, my word. So I feel like I properly blended in to the London park. You do actually, because that park, a few people have been sick in their day. I don't think I was the first. You won't be the last.

Sorry about that. A fan of yours could see and think, that's good it's good let's pap her yeah it's pap her not papa

they might think it's morning sickness I mean it's unlikely in it I'm not getting a seat on tubes because people think I'm pregnant anymore

it's the other option yeah but they might think she's still down to earth yeah she's still yeah she can still puking a park she's still a bit of fun

she's keeping it real she's keeping it real yeah yeah she's still one of us party animal oh yeah one of one of all the blocs that puk in the park

yeah well let's go Now that Kerry has arrived, let's go to your next photo. Fun piece of trivia about the baby photo, though. Oh, no, let's hear it. I want to hear the trivia. Go for it. That baby photo was used for a packet of a product. I mean, I'm not surprised.

Look at this baby. Oh, cute. Well, babies are cute. I know, but some babies are cute, but they're kind of like, they're not faces on it right, but this one. I was the face of snappy nappy nappy fasteners. Snappy nappy nappy. Snappy nappy.

That was big in South Africa. Yeah, well, because in Africa, South America, Asia, the nappies are cloth nappies, you know, which is a bit more of a kind of hippie thing here, isn't it, green, reusable? Yeah, I mean. If you can be bothered to wash a shitty nappy and reuse it. We did have, Terry's. We had those. Terry's nappies.

We tried those, and we did it for about, I don't know. You live in Brighton, you get, like, kicked out if you don't try. You do it for a month, and eventually you thought, you know what, it's the 21st century. We literally, we had twins, you see, so we never had enough nappies. Yeah. There were never enough nappies ready. No. So we'd like, sometimes you'd put a nappy on and they would literally shit.

The minute you put it on, you're like, I'm going to have to take it off. All right, now I've got to wash it. Yeah. You don't have a constantly simmering tub in the garden. I'm not boil washing like nappies all the live long day after spray washing the shit off them. Yeah. But a snappy nappy fastener was so that you don't have to use a big dangerous safety pin. Oh, the big pins.

Yeah. Is that what you've got on there? I think maybe. Snapy is like a... I know I've come really late because I was puking in a park. Yes. Yeah. But where did you grow up?

South Africa and then, Isle of Man. We got in trouble. I got in trouble for saying negative things about it. Did you? You've been officially banned. Yeah. I've been cancelled by the Isle of Man. This is the second podcast I've gone on with someone who has been cancelled by the Isle of Man.

Frank was very funny about having what he thought was a bad gig on the Isle of Man. Okay. It probably wasn't. He's just got high standards. I was going to say his version of a bad gig is probably went really well. The Isle of Man Press loves any mention of it. Right. So the second you mention it.

I mean, I'm amazed. That, they went quick with that. Oh, yeah. Well, there's not much else to, you know. But what, are they just scouring every podcast for a mention of the Isle of Man? Someone will tell someone who'll tell someone every time. Yeah, yeah. It's a small place.

That's one of my photos is me graduating. Let's have a look at this picture. It's very medieval looking. I thought that's why I picked it. It looks like something from Star Wars. Well, I feel like there's something, there's so many things about, like, which I imagine you take for granted if you go to an institution like Cambridge or Oxford. And the buildings that you study in. Yes, yeah, and live in.

And the halls that you live in, and everything is a little bit Hogwartsy. Yes, yeah, yeah. And it feels like everything is kind of setting you up so that you can then work at the old Bailey or you can work in the House of Commons. Yes. Oh, this feels familiar. Yes, I'm used to turrets. Yeah, exactly.

It is. Yeah, that's what it's designed for. But my experience of university was like prefab buildings. Yes. Nothing works. There's never any central heating. One hour of contact a month. Yeah, you're probably, you're like, yeah, one hour of contacts a month.

And you often wouldn't turn up for that. And your lecturer always looked a bit stoned. But this does look like, I don't know. It just looks, it's almost otherworldly for me, Cambridge and Oxford. The year that I started there was the 800-year anniversary of it being founded. And you just think, it's almost a thousand years of nerds. That's crazy. Nerds.

Yeah, yeah. There's so many nerds for so long. But it's just. I know monks at the start. They were just monks. Everyone was a monk. You know? Is that right?

Yeah. I mean, I literally don't know the history of Cambridge University. It got founded by a bunch of monks who had a big argument with Oxford in Oxford. And they left and went, well, we're going to do our own uni in the swamp. So fuck you. And they went and did. That's why Cambridge exists. And that's why Cambridge always thinks it's superior to Cambridge.

It's like, guys, you're a subsidiary of us, okay? Yeah, yeah. I didn't know that. So, I mean, like, I don't know. What was it, what was the social life like? I mean, did you guys? And did you do any, did you ever sort of like dabble in? any sort of creative stuff or performance stuff.

I did a lot of comedy, yeah. Did you? Yeah, I did so plays and sketch shows and I did probably too much. It's quite strict because it's like this medieval institution. You're at colleges, really. There isn't really a uni. You have to choose a college, right? So I was at Corpus Christi College and people that can be at like King's College or, you know.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you're housed in there. You have to live in. If you want to live in like a student house like in a road, like a normal house, You have to get a letter of permission. There's a bar in the college. There's a dining hall in the college. So you never leave the college?

Not really, unless you organize something with another college. Oh, Jesus. Or if you go do like a sport or you're in a lecture, then you're mixed. So it's very like odd and hard to sort of comprehend until you're in it. And then I said to my colleges like tutor, because they can ban you from doing stuff. I knew a guy who got too lower grade. And so they banned him from doing plays because he was doing some. many plays. How can they ban you? Because it's not like a free uni, it's like a school.

It's like halfway between a school and a uni in terms of the power. Some of the colleges had curfews. They lock all the doors and you had, if you'd have to like wake up a guy to let you end to your own. I could not have handled that. A lot of people hated it. Yeah. I just, I mean, the beauty of university was that it was entirely up to you, what you did, when you did it. And if you turned up and if you didn't, that was kind of your problem. Like, and lectures were literally like that. If you don't come, I don't mean, I literally don't give a shit, mate. There was still a bit of that But it was rarer

So you started doing sketches And characters And stand up Yeah I always went like stand up Let's move on to your next photos I think it's this is this it? So what's going to here? Just as a pirate

Yeah I mean That coat I actually thought you were wearing as fashion But what are you doing here? I wish I was that kind of person. That's my first ever fringe. Look at your beard. Not as lustrous as today. No, it's like all patchy.

What were you, what was the play? It was a play, right? I guess you'd call it a play. What would you call it? So there's an amazing man who, if you find, people can find him on Instagram. He's still a sort of performer and writer and director and things. He's called William Seward. And he's sort of an enormous boot.

Brayne Blessed sort of figure. Okay. And he was doing a master's. And he said, he'd already done loads of like fringe stuff and theater stuff through being at York. You know, so he's an older, he's a postgrad. Yeah. And he said to me and, you know, George Four Acres? You're sort of in the sketch group with Phil, Wang, Daphne?

No, I don't think I know George. Me and George and a few other people, he said, I'm going to sort of do this thing at the fringe for two weeks. And it's going to be a sort of kids, like family friendly, like everyone kind of fun play. And it's going to be about pirates. And it's going to have no dialogue. And it's just going to be sort of mime with a kind of live folk band providing music. How old?

Sorry, how old were you at this point? 18. Okay, that makes sense. Because there is no way God's green earth. You would have done that later on. No, no. And I'd never done the fringe. I'd never been.

I had no idea what it was like. And it blew my brain. What year was that? 2010. It was called Silent Cannon Fire. Actually, I wasn't there that year, 2010. So you missed it. I missed that year.

You missed our two weeks Zoo Roxy. Zoo Roxy. What a great venue though. It was mad, yeah. But it was really good fun. Very silly. So let's look at your next photo. So your next photo is, I'm guessing, is it here, are you, what?

What is this? What is this? That's from, I was 16. I'm 16 in there. I've literally done all of these in the wrong order, haven't I? Yeah, yeah. Doesn't matter. Doesn't matter.

I was very big into army cadets. Okay, so can I just say you look like you're 34 and you look like you've just left Afghanistan? You absolutely do. Honestly, if you were in the army, you could see that I was a cadet because I've got that funny thing on my arm. And I'm also 16. But you've got stripes. I, well, cadet stripes, yeah. I was, I taught drill.

You taught drill? So you were an army cadet in the Isle of Man? Yes, yeah. Did you want to join the Army? For a while, yeah. I was keen. I sort of thought, um... You do not strike me as a man that would ever join the Army.

Well, I wrote about this in the book, actually, because I found doing like Army cadet stuff really useful in the sense that, uh, going back to what we were talking about at the start executive dysfunction, I remember the way that like army instructors talk to you is very accessible because it has to be because all sorts of crazy people during the army of all sorts of levels of intellect. So it has to be comprehensible to everyone. Yeah. If only for safety reasons.

Yeah, yeah. No confusion, please. This is too high stakes situation. So they're very, they start from zero. There's nothing presumed. and so you never really feel left behind. You might feel patronized. But I remember being taught how to fold, like roll up my sleeves.

Like there's an official way to roll up your sleeves, which sounds mad. But I did think now I will always do that correctly. And I always fold my, I roll my sleeves up very neatly when I'm wearing a shirt or whatever and it looks good. And you go, yeah, that's exactly. Oh, great. And little skills like that or I remember one of the training team, because we were sort of dick around on our own, like in school. And a couple of times a year we would go do something like what that photo is, where we'd go train at an actual sort of base in England. And it was a sort of big adventure.

And this guy, he was a captain from the Yorkshire Regiment. And he said, I know where everything is on my body at all times. My keys are here. My, you know, Medi pack or whatever is here. My first aid kit is here. and my map is here and my binoculars are here. Everything had a system. And he said, you need to be able to know where everything is in all of your pockets,

even blindfolded. And it has been the same every day. And I thought, I need to do that. Because I would lose things constantly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I would never have anything I needed. I would go to class and the French teacher would say, do you have your project? And I'd go, let's find out.

And I'd open my bag and go, you and I have the same level of knowledge about if it's in here or not. I don't know. And I would just look. And it was a nightmare because I didn't enjoy, I wasn't one of those kids that's like chaotic and is sort of chill about it. I would be stressed, but somehow never stressed enough to sort my shit out. So the stuff they teach you is very sort your shit out based. Yeah.

Because some people join the army and they're a mess. And they have their job is to turn you into not a mess. So a lot of the instructions and stuff that I learned, I thought this is great. This is really useful. And it's very confidence building because they're used to actual 16 years. year olds joining the army, 17 year olds. So they talk to you like an adult. And the training is like, you're in charge. You're in charge of these other five people from your school. And you have to go do this like long hike with no, with a map and a compass, figure it out. We'll see you

there. And they drive away and you have to do a big hike across some mountains. It's great. So it gives you confidence. Yeah. Because they, they've, they can, they trust you. They trust you. And they've given you responsibility. And you have to, and so you want to meet their expectations. Expectations, yeah. And these are sort of... And also they're giving you clear instructions about what to do, and I bet that was lovely. The idea of constantly having clear instructions and badges that literally tell you how important everyone is.

Yeah, yeah. Oh, I understand this system. Yeah. How do you know he's in charge? He's got a big hat. He's got a big hat with all gold bits on. So he must be in charge. Easy, easy.

But you didn't want to like pursue it as a career. I mean, because that would be that sort of next level, isn't it? The thing that they wanted at the time, this is in the Norties. And a couple of the training team were like, well, they were all, they'd all been to war. Yeah, well, there's been a lot of war. We've been to a long time. Yeah, at that point, yeah. And so they'd all been to war.

They'd all done it. And also, you know, whatever, Northern Ireland or Bosnia or whatever. And they did say, I remember one of them said, you know, if this was 1992, I'd say, go for it. But these days, nah. What do you mean? Why was it different in 1992? too. The boring stuff to do with like pensions and wages and like the kind of stuff.

Oh, I see. Just literally as a job. Not like just better wars back then. Just way more fun. Well, no, maybe not more fun, but less, less odd than some of the parts of the Afghan campaign where you just think, what are we doing? What are we doing here? Yeah. So some of them were quite jaded about it.

But that's, again, that's interesting as a 15, 16 year old, you're being spoken to about something in a mature, clear way. It's not like, well, you better do your tie up. being spoken to like another adult, and it's very nice. Yeah. And they weren't. And what I liked about it is that that to me was proof that this wasn't just some kind of propaganda campaign to get us all to join the army. They were very reasonable about it. And they were like, you're a great cadet, but probably not.

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Everyone in the studio that I worked on this jingle with all had childhood stories or memories. Yeah, we're around either watching these commercials on TV or sitting with our moms while they were doing their makeup and it became really personal for us. Maybe it's Maple Lane. You know what's better than the one big thing? Two big things. Exactly.

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That's my nephew. That's my nephew. You look like you're doing top uncle fun. Yeah, yeah. I've got two nephews. He's one of the two. And I've got one niece, but she's not old enough to, she's just started crawling. She's not allowed to be hurled into the swimming pool. We were on holiday. I like that photo because we're on a holiday as a big kind of family thing. And I made an uncle mistake. Which was?

Which is my comedy character, Uncle Mistake. Oh, is it? No, I made a... It's quite a fun name. I thought it's a good name, actually. Although it could also be quite dark. But anyway, carry on. Anyway, I thought my nephew would...

And he's like jumping in and out of the pool and messing around. And I thought he would have... enjoy slash it would be kind of fun bantz or whatever to shove him in the pool and he had an absolute freak out he hated it the shock of being suddenly pushed in the water it was not the right thing to have done at all how old is he or how was he at that time seven eight no five six yeah of course he doesn't want to get shoved in at five no no but And he enjoys, like, my thing is that I can, I lift them up and I spin them around and, you know, I fight them with pillows and things. So, yeah, I thought, oh, okay, yeah, no, not that.

Yeah. By that couple of years early, maybe. So then in order to engineer, he was very like, like, how, you have betrayed. You have betrayed the uncle Bond by pushing me in the pool. And he was very sort of like, that wasn't, he was really upset about it. Yeah. And so me and my sisters constructed a kind of revenge. Oh, on you?

Yeah. Okay, great. To create a sense of justice. Yeah, yeah. Which I guess you're like, this is the perfect thing. Yeah. Yeah. So he constructed the scenario in the photo, which is me being shoved in by him.

Okay. In quotes, unexpectedly. And me having like a massive reaction to it. What? No. You know. Because I find that the thing they love. most is to be, to have an effect.

Yes. Because they don't have an effect on anything because they're children. So what I like doing is anything they say to me that's like an insult. I react as if it's like destroyed my sense of self. Yeah, yeah. They do love that. And it's true because almost every aspect of their life they're not in control of. No, and they have no impact.

No, no. So to be able to do that is, yeah, if you can engage with kids and do that, that is really important. Yeah. When my other nephew, his younger brother, the other nephew, he says to me, you know, whatever, hello, bum eyes, whatever. It's always fun to go, no, and like grab your eyes. Like, bum eyes!

And they're like, yeah, because they're bum eyes is funny. Bum eyes is good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hello bum eyes. In fact, normally their insults are terrible, but bum eyes is actually two little sphincters for eyes. Bum eyes is funny. That is great.

He also, he went through a phase. I haven't seen him for a bit. Maybe he'd still do it, but he went through a phase, the younger one of, um, of kind of like slapping my kind of torso and saying, You big strong man! Hello, you big strong man, bum eyes. Sort of alternating between bum eyes and sort of this kind of slightly patronizing compliment.

It's very funny. Pierre, this has been so fun. Thank you for showing us your great photographs. Thank you for having me. And tell us your book. Yes. So it's why can't I just enjoy things? A Comedians Guide to Autism, out in paperback on the 27th of March.

Pierre, thank you so much. It's been an absolute pleasure and a delight. I don't really like that H-D has brought up my herpes. Oh, what's going on there? What do you mean what's going on there? Oh, now I see. Well, fortunately for you, I couldn't see without my glasses. Thank God.

I've just had children coming up to me. Your children, or just children? Strangers. Strangers, actually. What's wrong with your face? And I'm like, I had to think about the few things. What could it mean? Could it be in my head.

And then I realised it was my lip. But very direct, aren't they, children? Just like, I know like the parent, but I don't know the kid. What's wrong with your face? Oh, hello. Who are you? They go straight in. Oh, you've got something weird on your face.

I actually saw Susie Ruffle and Alice. She said, yeah, she went, Jen, what's wrong with your face? I said, I don't have to tell you. I was born this way. And then she jabbed at my cold sore. Yeah. Is that a stress? I'm very fortunate, Kerry, actually.

You might not have this good fortune. But I have the herpes gene. Oh. This is very fortunate. It's in my blood. I cannot get rid of it. So when I, I don't think it's a gene, whatever it is. Someone's going to text me or write to me or leave a comic going,

it's not actually a gene, Jen. It's a blib, blit, blit, blit, ble, ble. Okay, whatever it is, whatever the thing is, I've got it, okay? And when I get stressed, I want to get tired. That's where it comes out. It pops up its little head and says, you haven't seen me for a while. And I say, I didn't want to, actually. That's unfortunate.

You don't get coldsals? I get, yeah, now and then, but not that often. I get, sometimes I get them here in the corners, these little friends. Yeah, yeah. Sometimes I used to get like in Betigo halfway out my feet. face. Oh no. Yeah.

Is that part of that gene? I don't know. I used to have impetigo, cold sores and eczema. Wow. These sound like kind of medieval. Impego sounds a bit medieval. I looked like I had scurvy or something. Like, why give that child some vitamin C for the love of God.

But yeah, that's it. But now it's coming back. I like to think of it as me reliving my youth. Well, the good news is you're going to Scotland. So you'll really make sure you get lots of nutrients. because the food up there and the light and the warmth, you're really going to... Yeah, they've all got scurvy up there.

Yeah, yeah. They'll be like, oh, there she is. She's one of us. You'll spend in. I'll just be sucking on a lime for the entire time. Yes, I can't wait. I'm going to the Isle of Sky, Kerry. Oh, man, it's going to be so beautiful.

Are you well, Jell? I am really Jell. I think it sounds magical. I've been trying to... There's a few gigs up there. I've been trying to get them for years, but I've just never got up there. Well, what I'm doing is going to be going from Edinburgh to the Isle of Sky.

It's going to take five hours to get them. And you're going with a group of other comics. We're going to get to the Isle Sky. We've got two hours before we have to be at the venue. We do the gig and then we leave at 9 o'clock in the morning. Do you still want to do it? Yeah, but in a way, what else you get? Like, that sounds nice.

Okay. I think that sounds nice. Half the fun of travelling is the travelling part, isn't it? Not the being in the place. It's the, oh, look at that out the window. That is literally not what anyone has, no one has ever said that. Oh, how was the Maldives? I can't remember, but the flight was incredible.

No, not flying. Sure, no, that's bollocks. But train travel and, you know, being in beautiful landscapes. Okay, driving through that part of Scotland will be. It'll be stunning. I hope it will be stunning. Yeah. I'm sure it will be.

I've never been. I'm pretty confident. It's going to be stunning. I like that you're confident. Yeah. I'm confident because you're confident. Yeah. That's given me confidence.

I'm really glad. Yeah, you're welcome. You do that. You're very good, actually, and I think I do this as well, but you're very good at saying something and making me think, yeah, she's right. And I don't, sometimes I don't, sometimes I don't know if you are right, Kerry.

And actually, I don't think it matters because I'm like, oh, exactly. Kerry is right. She's right. Some people just make you go, do you know what, I'm just going to see the bright side. It's the half-blast full thing, isn't it? But it's also the way.

you say it. It's like punctuated with a, this is fact. You can't argue with that. Okay, this isn't me going out on a limb. Scotland is known to be beautiful. Sure. This wasn't the best example, actually. I'm just saying as a rule. Like if anyone else has said that to me, I'd be like, well, we don't know what A-roads I'm going down. So how can you possibly guarantee that? But you're right. It's all going to be gorgeous. It's going to be gorgeous. And how long are you away for? I'm away for almost a week because I have to, I'm staying with you the night before, aren't I? So that's going to have another night on. Yeah, you're going to be here for my son's birthday. He's, but Frank is delighted. I haven't told him yet, but I'm sure he could be fine. I mean,

he's not great in the morning. So to be honest, even though. I won't be there. I'm on, I'm on, I'm on a. I'm on. I'm on. I'll be gone before, you'll have left before he gets up. Frank won't even know I'm there. He'd be like, yeah, right. It was me. I was there. Happy birthday. Yeah, he's turning 15. That's a lot. interesting age. Yeah, I don't, I don't think 15-year-olds want to talk to 50-year-old women, and I think that's reasonable. Yeah, Ben even said to me, stop trying to talk to Frank. It's embarrassing. It's embarrassing for everyone. Stop. Like, he just said, you're just trying too hard.

You just trying, way too hard. Stop trying to talk to your son. Well, okay, I'm being, you know, I'm not giving, it. It wasn't as bad as that. It wasn't as bad as that. But I do go a bit like, hi, Frank. He gets him from school, and I'm like, Hey, Frank. How are you? And he just doesn't fucking want him. it. He doesn't want it. And Ben, even Ben, was like, just leave him alone, go. No one wants that energy, Kerry, to be fair. I know. I know, but he's so flatlining in energy as a 15-year-old boy. I'm like, I'm overcompensating as a 51-year-old woman. I think all parents do that. I'm doing all the energy heavy lifting. Yeah. And the more energy you give,

the more they'll be like, she's... Go away. Yeah. She's got a lot of mind. She has to leave. I'll be in my room. Shut it down. Where it's quiet. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Well, I've got that to look forward to. At the moment, they're still like you. Still like me. When they found out it was going away for nearly a week, they couldn't believe it. They were like, they were devastated and I was like, good. Oh, wow, that's cute. I was like, yeah,

good. Was Chloe? That issue is indifferent, but the children were upset. I'm Max Rushden. I'm David O'Darney. And we'd like to invite you to listen to our new podcast, What Did You Do Yesterday? It's a show that asks guests the big question, quite literally.

What did you do yesterday? That's it. That is it. Max, I'm still not sure. Where do we put the stress? Is it what did you do yesterday? What did you do yesterday? You know what I mean?

What did you do yesterday? I'm really down playing it. Like, what did you do yesterday? Like, I'm just a guy just asking a question. But do you think I should go bigger? What did you do yesterday? What did you do yesterday? Every single word this time I'm going to try and make it like it is the killer word.

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