Memory Lane with Kerry Godliman and Jen Brister - S04 E15: Deirdre O'Kane

Episode Date: May 21, 2025

"She picked up the bin and said... Now Deirdre I want you to stick your head in here and tell me if you can get a smell of smoke out of that..." We have the AMAZING / BRILLIANT / HILARIOUS Deirdre O'Kane on the podcast this week! Oh the stories Deirdre tells! What a masterclass in funny... Just brilliant. Weddings, children, birthing, stand-up, sons, dancing... and so much more.Deirdre is doing her show at the Palladium tomorrow if you can get a ticket and she'll likely be back in the UK in the autumn. - KEEP YOUR EYES PEELED - and follow her on instagram to stay updated - @deirdreokane123 PLUS... Kerry chats with Jen about going to New Zealand and what their topics would be for celebrity Mastermind. JEN & KERRY STAND-UP TOURSKerry's 2025 tour is on sale now - https://www.ticketmaster.co.uk/kerry-godliman-tickets/artist/1866728Jen's 2025 tour is on sale now - https://www.jenbrister.co.uk/tour/ PHOTOSPHOTO 1: BOARDING SCHOOL AND SISTER ALICEPHOTO 2: MY NIGHTMARE WEDDINGPHOTO 3: NIGHTMARE BIRTHPHOTO 4: MY LOVING SONPHOTO 5: DANCING WITH THE STARS PICS & MORE - https://www.instagram.com/memory_lane_podcast/ A Dot Dot Dot Production produced by Joel PorterHosted by Jen Brister & Kerry Godliman Distributed by Keep It Light MediaSales and advertising enquiries: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Shop before they're gone. In-store online at Sephora.com. Hello and welcome to Memory Lane. I'm Jen Bristair and I'm Kerry Godleman. Each week we'll be taking a trip down Memory Lane with our very special guest as they bring in four photos from their lives to talk about. To check out the photos we'd be having a natter with them about, they're on the episode image and you can also see them a little bit more clearly on our Instagram page.

So have a little look at Memory Lane podcast. Come on, we can all be nosy together. You're going really far. You're going really far. So when I get on a train and go to Glasgow and I'm bitching about it, I'll be like, well, at least I'm not going to New Zealand. You're not going to New Zealand. I'm going to New Zealand.

Which is further? Yeah. Which is further? Then Glasgow. It is further. I thought that was a question. Which is further, Jen? Glasgow or New Zealand.

I was like, I can't believe we're having this conversation. Okay. Right. Sit down, Kerry. Here we go. New Zealand is further. It's further. Buzzer.

Yeah. New Zealand's further away. If that comes up in the weakest link. and you don't get that question right. I'm going to be absolutely. Now I know. Celebrity mastermind. Hey, if you got asked for these celebrity mastermind,

just have you done it? I have been asked and I can't remember why I had to cancel it. I did have to cancel it. Menopause brain, you thought. There was a reason. Something happened and I had to take it out. What's your specialty? Well, they help you with that

because anything you can think of has been done. There's no original ideas now. So they kind of help you weave. They interview you about things you've enjoyed, you know. Because I'd go, oh, I'd do. like the films of Marilyn Monroe or something that I was into when I was a kid. And they'd go, oh, we did that. That's been done years ago.

So people go really niche now. Yeah, but can't you do it again? Oh, sorry, that was done in 19702. No, I know, but I didn't mean that, literally. I'm just being an example. They're just trying to think of new topics, aren't they? So they just help you find one that's nichey. Pigeons between the year.

Exactly, pigeons. Between, have pigeons changed? Do they have decades? There's lots of different types of pigeons, actually. But the year isn't relevant, is it? Is this your new pigeon, love, since that one came on our podcast? I've talked about pigeons. Two cents talked about pigeons.

I've actually grown quite fond of them. Because you've mentioned pigeons more in the last week than I've ever known you mentioned pigeons. I don't think that's true. Is that true? Twice you've mentioned pigeons. That is twice more than I've ever mentioned pigeons to you. Anyway, we know now that if you go on Celebrity Mastermind, you'll go for pigeons. I don't know if I will go for pigeons.

I mean, as much as I've admired them. Would you go Avery? Would you go Avery generally? No, you can't go Avery. There's two birds are. They are in decline, though. I was listening to a nature podcast. That's not going to help me when it's asking me something about Bluetooth.

Why do you go for environmental decline of Avery systems? Oh yeah, let's go for something really simple, like the environmental decline of birds. You've got to get the message out there, baby. I'm not going to you. This is what I'm saying. I'm not going to go to you. When it comes to picking my mastermind. Sometimes you don't know yourself.

You need to ask a friend. What shall I do it on? And they go, you should do it on spec savers because you did load of material. I should do it on spec savers. Yeah, I think the BBC will be totally up for that. I'm going to do it on... Crawford promotion. Yeah, I'm going to be doing it on Liddle.

So, Jen, who I was talking to today? Thank you for asking me. We are talking to the wonderful Deirdre O'Kane, who was sublime. Yeah, she bought the funnies big time. She bought everything. She literally could have listened to Deirdreau. all day just talking about her life. Sister Alice, I scared the shit out of me.

Sister Alice will forever haunt my dreams. Haunt my dreams. It was so fun talking to Deirdre. She is a natural comedian. She was a brilliant guest. And this is Kerry and myself talking to the wonderful Deirdre O'Kane. I have a feeling. I think we did meet 100 years ago at Edinburgh,

or unless it was one of those I saw you and I believe we met, but you didn't see me. as in I watched it. A night that we should have met was that we did do a showcase. So it's time. It's time. It's time.

I don't know why I've got a false memory of us having met at Edinburgh years ago, but I definitely watched one of your shows at Edinburgh years ago. That's not the same as meeting someone. I think I have a false memory of seeing you in Melbourne, but maybe I invented that. I have a story. I have a story. I don't know if it's, I suppose it is podcast friendly,

but about the time that I was there. I mean, I was young. In 2011, that's a long time ago, isn't it? Yeah, for enough days. They booked me to go on a radio show that was, I didn't understand. You know the way you didn't understand anything. It was a big show, like a big morning, let's say the equivalent of a whoever, a Terry Logan type big morning show.

Yeah. We had three days off and we went on an almighty bender. Like I mean a three days because we're young. and was then sort of woken up to go and do this radio show, haven't been in the bed for like two hours. I mean I was throwing a jacket on over at the pyjamas, throwing a jumper on over at the pajamas. And in I went, and no voice had lost the boys.

And sat down beside this man who was middle-aged, let's say, I'm a young one delighted with life. I'm thinking I mighty crack proceeded to regale him with stories. I thought I was mighty crap. Well, there was all out war. War, apparently, it was just alcohol coming out of my... Oh, and he was upset? He was offended.

Few. Oh, my God. Somebody who, according to him, was drunk. It wasn't. And in actual fact, many people said to me, I heard that, thought you were hilarious. It was hilarious. Oh, he didn't want a young lady.

But I remember afterwards thinking, I think that's the first case of sex. Exxism that I actually had. If you, I was going to say, if you had been a guy and you turned up looking a little bit worse for wear after a night out, nothing would have been said. No. That's what I'm thinking. I was thinking if Johnny Vegas or Dylan Morn had rocked up in. Oh, please.

Evie would have gone, well, sure, that's the lads. That's the last. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, totally. What is he like? That's what you'd have got. The thing is, I was entertaining. I wasn't like not able to talk, for him.

I was, right, that's not the point. I remember telling Scott Capuro. I was such, Scott, I'm a very big, awful to be he. Scott's the perfect person's told. Honey, honey. The barometer of behavior. His answer was, honey, it's Australia. Nobody cares.

It was ever other male comedians that made it tricky. It was the other side of it. I mean, I always sort of felt all right with other male comics. It was just the general audience and promoters and the colleagues. culture of the culture and the feeling of representing you're a bit of a trailblazer I can remember seeing you in Edinburgh what year would it have been and you were talking about you know having had kids and blah blah blah and I just wasn't seeing load to that and I no you're a few years ahead of me and it was just so like oh this is I needed to see this because you stop kind of you do have to see it to be it

and you do have to kind of go yeah let's see I can talk about domestic stuff I can talk about being a mum and be fucking funny and you were doing it. Yeah. And what's interesting was the men also had kids, but they didn't talk with them. No. Or they were just kind of alone. What?

It's not really, though. It's amazing. They mentioned that they had kids. But mostly they had partners who were running on the show. Yeah. And they were having a while time. They weren't really involved. Yeah.

It was always like, and I know Kerry used to get this, and I'm sure you did, going to Edinburgh or going anywhere and you're always being asked oh who's got the kids yeah no and you're like oh the kids I completely forgot I don't think they're in a couple they're in the car yeah they've left them chained to a radiator

with a copy of yeah and now they're all grown up well almost one is one is out and one is 16 and that's I'm sitting in his room and he's up the stairs giving me fucking lip. I took my daughter to an aerial yoga class last night. Yoga class, didn't it? Aerial yoga.

So you're hanging upside down in a hammock. Oh, right. She was doing it. And I found it a struggle to relax because the whole time was, she's going to fall on her head. She's going to fall on her head. And I'm going to have to be responsible because I took her to an aerial yoga class.

You do these things to be mates with them. And then you're like, but why? She's going to fall on her head. Yeah. No, I mean, I'm happy with this. you can't be mates. I don't think that's possible. Not as bad much.

Yeah. But it's amazing because it does, they do come back. They come back. Really? When my daughter's come back, she's 20. Yeah.

And so she's left home, done uni and all that stuff and come back. She's normal. She's come back to me. I can't believe. So now I'm looking at the other fellow who is driving me to drink and I'm thinking of you.

Just going to have to do this for years. I just going to have to suck this. up for a couple of you'll go back on the road surely i'm never off the road that's my i'm never off the road really no i wouldn't stay at home for any money oh dear will you go to timbook too yeah yeah yeah count me in i'll do two shows that night i'll go it's fine i'll go let's go let's look at your photos look at this beauty what i love it can i just say what i really like about that is that is the spitting image of the boy I have just talked about.

He looks exactly like that right now. Oh, wow. That's a classic teenage. It's so. It's the only one I have from, I have no photos, by the way, in my house from my childhood because they're all. Why? They're all in your mother's.

Right. Yeah, you wouldn't. My phone is just full of pictures from whatever. my children and all that crack. So how old are you in this one? I think I'm 14. Do you know what? You look like any number of girls I went to school with.

But I mean, that's how we all looked in the late 80s, early 90s. We all looked like that. Yeah, the grumpy face. But we didn't all have mullets. That is particularly funny. The mullet was the mullet. Was it an accidental mullet or the conscious? I don't think it was quite as bad as it looks in that picture.

I think there was a bit of hair, but I probably had it stuck behind the ears. I liked it wasn't a full of, you know, like my hair is a great source of trauma for me. Like every day is about it. Why? Why? What's the problem? I just can't fucking get it right. I just, I just, every now and again.

You've got nice hair. No, you don't think so. It's just an ongoing thing where I just go out. Where did you go to school? Is this a boarding school? Well, I went to a boarding school. Did you? Yes, and all girls.

How was that? It was grim, I'd say. There's nothing positive to say about that. Where did you, where was it? In Dublin. In Dublin, okay. And how come you went there? I think my parents just thought boarding school was the thing.

My father had been a boarder, and I think there was a bit of snobbery about it. It was a status thing. It was in Patees now. So it would have been a yes, they're going to boarding school. There was five of us and we were all sent. But when I recently wrote a bit about it for the show I'm currently doing, and when I started to look back at it, I thought, oh my God, this was Victorian.

It was, and we're talking about the 80s, but I might as well be talking about the 50s or the 60s. It was just so old-fashioned. I mean, I went to Mass seven mornings a week before breakfast. What? Yes. Wow. Deirdre, that is horrific. And I went to a Catholic school.

And if I'd had to do that, I would have killed myself. That is horrendous. Every morning. And like a mass, once a month we had. People would say to me, and did you go out at the weekend? No, we got out every three months. Well, you didn't go home at the weekend. What, what about your, did you see your family?

No. You saw them every time. But how geographically, how far away from home were you? About an hour and a half, yeah. So you could have gone home at the weekend? Oh, you could have, but that wasn't the thing. That wasn't what was done. Oh, that must have been hard.

That's heartbreaking. It was just normal. That was just the norm. Everybody was in there for the three months. That was such a weird. And we washed all our own socks and all are all underwear, and we washed our shirts. No wonder you're so happy to be on the road all the time.

Exactly. But I mean, that's the difference. I was like an independent. person at because we went I went there. I was 12 when I started. Did you get sad? Didn't you get sad and miss home? No. No, I really didn't. This is like the Magdalene Laundries. What's going on?

I mean, it's so hardcore Irish. I think particularly for women. Yeah. The Irish culture is like, you've just got to toughen these bitches up early. I mean, Jen, there are border schools in England that are way worse. Like the posh schools in England, they go to school very young. I know, but they're not washing their own socks and underwear.

No, they're not watching massive. I think you're right. There's a lot of stuff about boarding schools in this country. I totally agree. I mean, like, absolutely horrendous. But I don't know. There is also something about not being allowed to go home for the entirety of the term. I don't think there are many boarding schools that do that.

I'd say there's a few, to be honest with it, because they're probably miles away. You know, the journey would be considerable. But it might be like. like eight weeks or something, four, maybe every month. Maybe they go home every month. So for you, it worked, but so all your siblings feel the same way about it? It's debatable. Well, you didn't get sad or you don't have like trauma about it.

Oh, I bet you have trauma about it. I probably have. You've probably got about four and a half years of therapy. It's so many other things that's slowed down on the list. But I mean, there are things that happened in that school. So like, for example, I only have one friend from school and she didn't arrive until 50 years

so she was about 15 when she came and there were three of us sharing a room and she'd come from a day school a regular normal day school and then was sent off but anyway she smoked now smoking was just not a thing you just didn't smoke however she did smoke so she was smoking out of the window

found a little ally to smoke with her and they were putting out the cigarettes we shared a room three of us room they were putting out the cigarettes. She was putting her bagpuds into a red imperial leather tank bottle. And putting the lid on it, that was living in our being. Now, the nun who ran the school, her name was Sister Alice. And Sister Alice was terrifying.

She whispered, she whispered all the time. She was vicious. And she was very, very harsh on me, right? Particularly, but she would also go quite red in the face. And she approached me. So the girls in the school concluded, she's into you. She is into you. As in she fancied you? Yes.

She's it. What? It's hilarious. That's classic. Yes. Very hard to me and all of that does. There was one day my father was collected me from the school. This is a separate story, but he pulled up into the driveway and she was standing at the door looking at me, just taking me in. The arms folded, right? And she was looking out at the door and my father pulled up at the car and I was standing, had a little collar up like this, and had a pair of sundown.

now I must have thought it was God's gift. Anyway, what? I wanted glasses and the jacket cap. I'll never know. But I was sounding like that. And she said to me, look at you there. Look at you there now.

You think you're Jackie Onassis. And I was about 14 with that bullet thinking, I never heard of Jackie onassis. So I don't know what she was talking about in 40 years. I thought Jackie. was a girl in 60th. That was the only Jackie that I knew. And she had

a sister Gronia and for years I presume that that period is called Gronia Onassis. Brilliant. When did you find out who Jackie O' really was? Years later. Years later. I remember... That's Jackie. Wow.

She's incredible. Now I get the reference. It's not like you could have had a phone and searched up who's Jackie O'Noss. It's like how would she come down? Oh, man. But that's so great that she wasted that line on you. Yeah, but you want to hear the rest of the smoking story because this is, this will blow your mind. I mean, this one, she came into the room one night.

She was putting the lights out of ten past ten sisters and she came into our room one night. She did this one. Do I get a smell of smoke in here, girls? Do I got a smell of smoke on here? Now, you'd be fucking scared of this woman. And I was going, no, no, no. I'd never smoked in my life. I knew it was Dee.

Anyway, I said, no, no, no, I'd never smoked. But the other girl in the room who's a friend called Trace Nolan, Trace was innocent, never smoked in her life. She went red and white and green in the face. Oh, no. She's just one of those women who's guilty for everything. Yeah, born to be blamed. For fucking everything, right?

So straight away, your woman said, okay, open your drawers, open the wops immediately. She ransacked the room. She turned the room. upside down. Half an hour later. She didn't find anything. And she left the room and she said,

I get a smell of smoke in here, girls. And I'm going to get to the bottom of this. And she picked up the basket from under the sink. And inside that was the red imperial leather talp bottle, right? Which had about 50 cigarette butts in it. But she couldn't see through it, obviously. So she put it back down to the ground. She examined it.

She left the room. We went into an awful panic. I was like, Jesus, what do we do? the bottle. Where were we put the bottle? I said she'd be back. She'd be back in the night. She'd be back in the middle of the night.

She's psychotic. She's insane. Leave it. I couldn't move it. Didn't. We were so panicked when we left it. And then the following night, there were sitting in the study hall. And there was an announcement over the time.

I go to your Jo Kane, dear to York. And Trace Nolan, please come to Sister Alice's hands. At which point, the entire school looked at us and went, you are fucking dead. Dead. All of you. Up we went. up we went and straight Nolan the innocent one

who she went in and spent half an hour own and up to every crime what the previous oh you just have to keep denying it told them that she was the unabommer she came out frying floods of tears

she just she's just owned up to everything everything what? And then my friend Dee who's still my friend she went in straight away I told them she was a smoker because she was kind of killed didn't give a fuck,

kind of wanted to get suspended. So she just came out all cool. And then I went in and your woman goes, well, well, well, here she is now. Now, Jackie.

She said you couldn't get a smoke in the room last night. And I said, no, no, I didn't get a smell of smoke. And she said, right. And then she went down, she bent down below her desk. And I'd love to tell you I'm making this up,

except I'm not. She picked up the basket and she had emptied the imperial leather type. button there was the 60 cigarette button. She said, now, Deirdre, I want you to stick your head in here, and I want you to tell me if you can get a smell of smoke out of that. Oh, that's hot.

I swear to God, and I took it from her, and I had the head in the basket. I'd say, one minute, I just couldn't. I was just determined to keep the head in the basket for as long as I possibly could. And I was going, no, no, I just. I don't. I don't. I can't smell a small bit. I do this bit as a bit now in my current show. It took me all these years, nearly 30 years, to even make it a bit. To be able to process it.

Yeah, but imagine her rooting through the bins and emptying it and putting it in the thing. The trouble she went to, she was all over this investigation, and it was treated like an investigation. Were you scared? Or just, were you amused? Well, did you be curious? I kind of knew that Dee was suspended. She'd been suspended already and trays was in floods of tears.

So because I wasn't the smoker, I thought, well, I'm not going to be suspended. No. But it's only in hindsight the drama of how she, I mean, she was like the conclave. It was just like, so much ceremony. Of course. That's what she was there for. What else are she going to do? Absolutely.

I think that sometimes the nuns, even in my school, which was a lot less conservative than yours, but still I thought at the time growing up in, you know, this was in South London, I thought it was pretty conservative, were the lengths they went to to sort of inflicts quite cruel punishment. And humiliation. Humiliation. Humiliation was really big for the nuns. They were like, how can I not only put it? punish you, but humiliate you in front of your peers, whatever. They were big on that. Yeah, yeah.

She met me in the corridor one day and my socks were down and she said, let me take them off, take them off, give me the socks now. I said, what? She said, take the socks I meant to be able to take them off. So I had to take the socks off and go around for the day with bare feet on shoes. Now that's humiliation, isn't it? Yeah, that is humiliation. Yeah, What's the objective there? What do they want? It's so bizarre. I can't remember what I'd done.

I done something at school. It had been the wrong thing. I hadn't admitted to it because I thought, you can't prove it. So I'm going to admit to it. And then there was the Christmas Carol concert. It was like, what are you going to do? You can't prove it.

We're at the Christmas Carol concert. And they went, before we begin, and you had to do these rehearsals. You'd go every single sort of Tuesday afternoon. Prior to this Christmas Carol concert that was going to happen in December, you'd go every Tuesday to do your rehearsal, okay? And some people would have a solo, some people would be reading a poem, whatever.

And I got, and I was supposed to be reading a poem. So I got called up to the front. Before we begin, we'd like to ask Jennifer Brister to stand in front of the entire school, the entire school. This memory is actually giving drama. Like, it's, I was 12. And she said, and now, Jennifer, why do you think you're here? And I was like, I don't know.

She said, well, you're. here so we can let the whole school know that you won't be performing at the Christmas Carol concert and you won't be reading the poem by Baba, Barba, Bar, in fact, we've given it to whoever, Sheenade and now you will sit here every single rehearsal and you will watch us practice and she will attend the Christmas Carol concert but she will not be performing. And I remember thinking, Jesus Christ, man. Yeah, it was like really, it was like the harshest, harshest. In that moment, you probably decided, I will be a performer.

Yes. You can fuck right off. I'll watch the rehearsals, but I will be the performer in this. Thank you very much. The story of my wedding, so you have a photograph there. We've got a lovely picture of your wedding. And I gave you that because my wedding was a disaster, right? What?

This looks like it's taken from a 50s, glam a shot in vogue or something. Doesn't it? Anyway, it was the year 2000, but everything that could go wrong went wrong at the day of the wedding. But my husband banned me from talking about it. After a couple of years, he said, I can't hear any more about the wedding. You just have to stop.

And I can tell it on stage because there were so many things that involved my family and how my fucking family that are the day of my wedding. but I tell it in this show. It has taken me 26 years to tell the wedding story. My father, so you see my father in that picture. He looks so happy.

The wedding, I was, as I wrote a list after the wedding, the pros and the cons, when we were on the honeymoon. I said, I'll just go into write a list of the pros and the cons. The cons list was, it went on and on and on. It was just all the things that went wrong. And the only thing that was on the prose was, we got married. That's the basic intended outcome.

So come on, what happened? Well, the worst thing, the one, there were so many things. That's why I got a whole bit out of it. The worst thing was I chose, and this was on me, I chose the wrong piece of music to go up the aisle to, right? So to know the way people pick a happy, uplifting tune? Like, here comes the bride. Because everybody goes, oh, she's here, right?

This is all we want. Get in. Let's go look at you. Let's get started. started. No, not for me. I decided to have a winter wedding. The reason being I thought I'm not playing, I'm not playing Russian roulette with the Irish weather. And this, you might get a nice day in June. You fucking won't. You fucking won't. It's better just to have clarity. Take a winter date. So I picked a winter date. It was lovely. Sunflowers missed all of that, right? The fucking music. I picked a tune called the Kulam, which, is a very nice Irish air. But because, you know, of the winter vibes and sunflowers, I just thought, oh, that'll be lovely.

I booked a string quartet to play the cullen and to play the music throughout the wedding, right? But one of the reasons I chose it is it's a northern Irish air and my mother comes in the north of Ireland. She's from Dipper. And I thought this would be a lovely nod to her heritage and I booked the string quartet. But as I arrived at the back of the church,

I couldn't hear a string quartet. And by the way, my friend Ali, who is one of the whores who lived next door as I go, she said to me, when I saw your face D at the back of the church, she said, I thought, oh, Jesus, what's happened? What has gone wrong? She said, you looked like the angriest bride that I have ever seen. I was in a fucking rage. I was in a rage at the back of the church.

Because of the music. Oh, so late. I was 40 minutes late. Everything had gone wrong. I was stressed the max. Didn't want to be late. Don't do late. five minutes late stresses me out so I was like

40 minutes anyway, that's back to the church now I can only hear I can't hear the string quartet playing the cuddling I can just hear one one fiddler and this is what it sounded like and that's what and

and and and and and that wasn't what you wanted now that's what anyone wants No, no, the whole, everybody in the congregation was in a...

Everyone was in a planning. Everyone was looking going, what's happening? Oh my God, what's happening? Make it not. Somebody make it stop. I was thinking, the fuck is the court? Definitely booked a court. I could only hear one fiddler.

I'm thinking, it's going to be one fiddler for the whole service. Because like one fiddle, one put it for a wedding. My father... This is the reason I have the picture with my father. My father was walking me up the aisle. said what he under his breath what he thought was under his breath

he said this is like the death march everybody heard him everyone in that church heard him this is like the death march and when I get up

when I got up to the top of the aisle I didn't even glance at Steve I didn't even look at the man I was about to marry I fucking withered the fiddle player I looked at her like you were fucking dead On the other three That's when I spotted the other three

They were sitting down With their face folded Yeah they told me after They thought it would be more haunting On the one Hunting for a wedding They aren't wrong because it has haunted me For 20 years

Oh my God, Deirdre that is terrible one bit of the wedding that went wrong. Oh my God. And this is now your current show is... Come in to the Palladium, you're invited. Come in and see me, you can hear the whole story. Oh, my God, I'll be there. I would love to.

I mean, I mean, to say. It's awful. But it's the best thing ever a wedding goes wrong. It's just the gift. Storyteller's gift. That's only for a comedy wedding wedding movies, right? That's the reason. I mean, let's look at the positive.

You look incredible. I mean, you really You're like a movie star. Yeah. And my father looks like a movie star. Yes. He had a touch. He does.

Mary Grants. He looked great. This next picture is gorgeous. What's happening here? The babies. I mean, that's Daniel, the current teenager. I just put that in

because of the trauma of babies. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. How I just didn't know. I just didn't know. But that picture doesn't capture the trauma, does it? That picture just looks idyllic. That's a very romantic picture of motherhood, isn't it?

You, in matching outfits, holding your son. In a profile black and white, doesn't really sort of like capture the time when you found your son's excrement under your nails. No, and it certainly doesn't capture the boy that he is now who gives me. nothing but lip. When did the trauma of the baby chapter, when did it hit you? Straight out the gate or was it all just one big watch?

Well, the hospital trauma, so that's straight out of the gate. Nothing could have prepared me for that nightmare. Why was it traumatic in the hospital? I had a C-section after pushing for a good while, an emergency section. And after the section, I was kind of forgotten.

I was kind of put in a room and forgotten about. And what was amazing to me was Like, just nobody Talked me through What to do after a section And this nurse would say to me You need you need to get up And I'd be thinking

I can't get up Like I've been cut open from here to here I can't get up And one of the days There was a girl I knew it had a section At the same time as me And she saw her flying past the door

Up and down I'm thinking Jesus Christ I must be dying I can't get up and up And I said to the nurse, I said, she's walking up and down perfectly fine. I said, is there something wrong with me? And she said, ah, well, she's in her 20s. Oh, God.

Well, I was 37. I was 37. Very geriatric, considered very geriatric. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Geriatric mom. Your 20s. But anyway, it started from that. There was a lot of that.

And you're just looking back, you weren't given proper advice. I was kind of ignored. I was kind of ignored. I was kind of ignored. I was in a room. I realized in hindsight that I would have been much better off on a ward. But I was in a private room. In a private room. That was a mistake, I can tell you.

Yeah, the second time. I had my second child in London on a ward. Didn't do this again. So in the room, I was just kind of left to get on with it. I remember the baby like Holly needing a nappy change and me kind of panic and thinking, but I still can't. stand. It's surgery. You can't really get up and a nurse and I mean, call on the buzzer and going, she needs to be changed and she said, yeah, you need to do that.

But, oh, no, that's crazy. Because I, I remember Chloe had a C-section and I did all the nappy changes. I stayed with her for the entire, because she had to stay into hospital for three days because the babies were quite small. And I, yeah, I did all of that. I got up. And if she needed to go to the toilet, I would, either the nurse would help her or I would help her. But you see, Jen, you were there. you were the person. And I was so green that Steve, my husband is a filmmaker and he was in an edit. And we had this very little innocent conversation where I said, it'll be fine. He only had a couple more days to do.

I said, it'll be fine. I'll be fine. I'll be fine. And you just left to it. As a result, I had no one. And the nurses were saying, you need to do that yourself. Anyway, I was a textbook case. But the time it came to day three, which is the day of.

the blues, I literally turned into a fucking sobbing, Mrs. Sobbing mess, having now not slept for three days. So there's no sleeping in hospitals anymore. It's like baby. No. You don't, you will not sleep in there. So my advice to anyone, which is not a good advice is you bring your own sleep on tablets to hospital. Don't be waiting. You won't get sleep otherwise. The noise is just crying women and cry. Yeah, constant. And the third night, I was in and off, I was panicking because I hadn't slept. I was third to the fourth night. I hadn't slept.

My head was starting to pound. And I thought, I'm getting sick. Do you know when you know you haven't slept, you get sick? Yeah. I'm getting sick. So I pressed on the buzzer from my private cell, as I called it. And a nurse came in. And I said, listen, I said, please get me sleeping tablet.

I have to sleep. I'm in a panic about the fact that I'm into my third night of not sleeping. Like a half thing. And she said, I'm so. sorry, dearter, but we can't give out sleeping tablets after 12 o'clock at night. What? And I said, well, what? And she said, yeah, no, we can't.

We can't. There's no doctor. I'd have to get a prescription for a sleeping tablet for you. I can't just give you a sleeping tablet. I'm going now. Am I in a hospital? Where do you think you are in a hospital? Yeah, where do you think you are in a hospital?

That was exactly my thought. I'm going, I'm in a hospital. You can't have a sleep and a hospital. Anyway, she saw that I was traumatized. I said, sweetheart. you got to get me a tablet. So she went and got a doctor to prescribe a fucking get to prescribe a tablet. I think I got about four hours sleep out of it.

Anyway, cut to a day later I was leaving. Now, I left that hospital really sick. Like I had migraine headaches. I'd never had bad headaches before. But now four days of no sleep and just no mind. And I was demented. A doctor came into the room just before he left. And I said, oh, Durdry, you're leaving us.

chirpy as you like, is there anything we can do for you? And I said, yes, I said, I'm a dreadful sleeper. I said, could you just give me some sleeping tablets just to get me through the next few days? And he said, ah, well, if I had my way, I'd have them taken off the market completely. And I said, would you? Well, you've obviously never suffered a sleepless night in your life, dynamite drawers. and he said to me, I don't have a glass of wine. I said, I would never take a sleeping tablet without a glass of wine. Oh my God. That was my fucking exit.

That's just mad the advice that women are given in medicine. It's always terrible. Just mad. Because it's always, it's always. It's always men or women who are taking advice from men. It's like, why don't you mean, what, you're a woman. And they don't have the baby. You understand what's needed.

You know, use your intuition, use your common sense. Use something called empathy. You could see, I mean, like, anyone look at you, would be able to see this woman's broken. Yeah, it's broken. Oh, it's very clear. I was absolutely broken. But how could you care for the baby in that state?

I mean, that's not care. No, but how did you? I just couldn't. I was so upset. I think I begged a nurse to change her. I remember saying, can you please change her for me? I was such a mess. But the mistake was that I didn't have Steve. I didn't have anyone. That was the problem. Yeah. And it's constant. You've got to feed. It's like you are. You're breastfeeding all night. Yeah. You're breastfeeding all night. Interestingly, we moved to London and I have my second child in London. And I thought, right, I'm going on the ward. And I thought, I'm going to get this right. This can't be as bad as the last time. So I was on a ward, had a section, and you were, you were on a ward for six hours. And then the nurse said to me, now we're going to walk. So you're going to get up. I was quite shocked.

You're going to get up and you're going to walk to this other ward. And I was like, oh, Jesus, are you sure? And she said, it's not far. It's not far. It's just from here to the end of the corridor. And so I got out of the bed. And I remember being really stooped over and walking. And I was like taking these very, you know,

tiny tiny, tiny steps. And this nurse, she was, she was an older lady and she was Jamaican. And she made me laugh and I had to beg her to stop because the stitches on the walking. But she said to me as I was walking, she said, how many children do you have? And I said, this is my second child. And she said, a girl. I said, yeah, and this is I have a boy. You have the girl.

And she said to me now, you have the girl and you have the boy. There's no need for you. to have any more. See, that's practical. That's good advice. When I laugh and it's stitched in the pain, I said, don't, don't make me. I loved her.

She was a gift. The next picture we've got is of you dancing. Yeah, that's quite a jump. Oh, no, wait a second. There is this picture. Hang on a second. There is this picture. Oh, see, that's when he loved me before the teenage. Oh, look at the love. He loves you.

He still loves you. Well, he does deep down. He'll come back. You don't get hugs like that, though. He'll come back. But that's love, isn't it? I don't know. Maybe you'll never get hugs like that again, I don't know.

I got them literally up until a year ago. I got them right up until 15. When I think about how much he adored me, because that child adored me when I was at it to the point that I nearly thought, Jesus, is this too much? He'd had, I'm in his room now and there's a little double bed here and I would come in to give him the cuddles the night

and the other boys, the boys, they're so affectionate. Yeah, I'm really affectionate. And he tried to get me to sleep with him every night. As I guess he'd say, it was like having a miniature bloke. I was trying to get him. Get him on, get it. Stay like me. Stay the like me.

Stay there like me. Have a sleepover. Yeah, I can't, love, I can't. This bed's too small for me. And I say, look, I have to sleep with Dad. That's my job. You don't have to sleep with them every night. Come on, you.

You get in for the cuddles on the little leg. You throw over the little leg and he'd be going, oh, the noises, the noise. Oh. Like, oh, God. That's so funny. Yeah. That's so cute. And he'd be going, you know what you want to.

I'm thinking I've heard all of this before. All of this. Do you remind him of it now? I bet he's mortified at the memory of it. He's like, I love you too much. I remember thinking, Jesus, maybe you do, maybe. Yeah, yeah, we've got to del this down. What's going to happen?

You're not going to make it in the world. Nature's done it for you, dear dress. Like, he's either going to make someone very happy or he's going to jail. I can go be. I do remember that. Years ago, Ruby Wax doing a bit about just really breaking her son's heart, explaining that she wasn't going to marry him.

She had to explain to her son. We're not going to get married. Hard. That mother's son bond is special. Yeah. Until it's over. Yeah. And yeah, what did they say about daughters?

You lose a daughter and gain, yeah, something. Yeah, well, when you have sons, as soon as they get a girlfriend, that's your son gone forever. But daughters will come back around and they'll be, you know, they're supposed to be the ones that stick around for you. That's why the daughters become the carers later on. Listen, I'm off the minding of the parents. Yeah.

I've got three brothers. You know, when my mum was alive, I was the carer for my mum. It was like, my mum was used to go, your brothers always do this. and your brothers always do that. And I'm like, yeah, but there, where are they? Where are they? It's just your daughter, mum.

It took me, it took her until a year before death. And she went, she was like, oh, no, you any fairly. It is actually you who takes care of me. I went, yes, Mom. I'm glad you got the crowded love with the others. Yes, ma'am. It took a while. It took her, you know, 47 years.

But, yeah, she got there in the year. I mean, I know our next photo is, so the dancing one, but is that kind of like you're doing this? kind of more of this kind of stuff and... Well, I only included that picture because I did Dancing with the Stars here which is your strictly, obviously.

But what I got out of that was an entire show. Like I write an entire show about my Dancing with the Stars experience. I mean, I had no intention to it. I said no, no, no, no, three, four, five times. No, no, no, I'm not... Why then a yes?

The yes was that a one of the... one of the producers very cleverly said, called me and said, look, will you do me a favour? I know you don't want to do it. But would you just go into a dance studio with one of the dancers for an hour? Just go out for one hour and see. Let him do a few steps with you and just see. And of course, my own ego, my own vanity and my own ego thought,

okay, well, I'll do that. I'll go in and see because I'll be useless. And of course, I went in and I wasn't useless because, well, I was an Irish dancer. when I was a kid. So I'm very good on my feet. I can not move my arms, lads. So when your man took me for an hour and said we'd go around the room, I was well able to hop and skip and do a jive and a thing.

And I'd think of a duton on my feet, but sure I couldn't move these. But of course, he said, you're great. You're flying. You're picking up these steps. And no, I should I left the room thinking, I was fabulous. Yeah, that's sort of. That was clever. That was clever.

That's how to hurt. It's not just about the dancing. It's the kind of the, you know, you walk into a room and you're a charisma bomb. So they're like, she's telly gold. We're going to get her. We'll have her. It's not just about the dancing, is it? Well, also, another reason was I had been away from stand-up for 10 years.

I had been living in London for those 10 years. So my profile, even though I was doing a bit of telly, I did shows like Moonboy and I did a few other bits. But my profile, in terms of going out to sell tickets as a comic. could have done with a shove and this is a show that is Yeah, but you're in everyone's front room on a Saturday night It's going to make you big time

Right, I don't know And an agent saying Could you just do it and try to be funny When you get your talking bit At the microphone Yeah Money dandy and you might sell something

and I can take it. And it did serve its purpose It did put me back in the public eye We've just had Chris McCawson just one hour. You know, when a comedian shines on those shows, they really, it all falls together, doesn't it? When I watched Bill, Bill Bailey, I thought. Of course, Bill, yeah. He's a, he's,

that's a masterclass and how to get right because he was just cool, calm and collected. Now, can we just say, maybe it's a little different when you're already a massive success. Right. You're already making plenty of money. You don't need this. I needed it. I was like, I need to get back. I was kind of desperate. I was like at that point of Christ, I've got a tour, I've got to sell tickets.

So you're like this, whereas he was just very, now I know he's a laid back personality. Yeah. And it doesn't work out for everyone. What happened to Sean Walsh on there? Oh, Sean. But Sean's show about his experience.

Yeah, there you go. He got a show out of it. It got a show out of it. It was really funny. And that was the best thing I got out of it. I got a full show that I really, I'm very proud of it. of but Sean is one of the best things.

He went in a different way. But I know because I had had the experience everything he mentioned. I was on the edge of my seat going, here's a fellow war veteran. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I thought his show about it was just. Yeah, tremendous. So where can our listeners get tickets, find you, go and see you?

Well, let's just, even though I think this is going out the day before, the plated, which is the 22nd of May, which is... And it'll be well sold out by that anyway. There are still some tickets left. I'm delighted to say, not many, but you can get them on Ticketmaster.com.com. And after that, I don't... When I'm going to be in the UK again, I think we're planning to do

another little tour in the autumn. Oh, you'll definitely be back. You'll definitely be back. There will be as demand for you. It's going to be great. A small autumn tour, yeah, for sure. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. I'm Max Rushden.

I'm David O'Dardy. And we'd like to invite you to listen to our new podcast, What did you do yesterday? It's a show that asks guests the big question, quite literally, what did you do yesterday? That's it. That is it. Max, I'm still not sure. Where do we put the stress?

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