Memory Lane with Kerry Godliman and Jen Brister - S04 E17: The Best of Kerry & Jen - Volume One

Episode Date: June 4, 2025

With Jen selling out her brand new tour in Australia we're revisiting some of the best of your favourite duo. From giving up booze to accidentally playing some sexy times on the train to spilling a massive cake to te infamous 'pieface'... What a treat. JEN & KERRY STAND-UP TOURS Kerry's 2025 tour is on sale now - ⁠https://www.ticketmaster.co.uk/kerry-godliman-tickets/artist/1866728⁠ Jen's 2025 tour is on sale now - ⁠https://www.jenbrister.co.uk/tour/⁠ PICS & MORE - ⁠https://www.instagram.com/memory_lane_podcast/⁠ A Dot Dot Dot Production produced by Joel Porter Hosted by Jen Brister & Kerry Godliman Distributed by Keep It Light Media Sales and advertising enquiries: ⁠[e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Shop before they're gone. In-store online at Sephora.com. my mum used to make every vegetarian soup with a lump of pork in it I'd go mum she was like it's your friend vegetarian she said and I said yes but I can see in the soup mum that there is a big lump of what looks like a bone of pork or something she's like yeah and I went well she's vegetarian she went I'll take it out she won't notice I was like that's not really the point mum what you have given is a soup steeped in boiled meat and and you're going to give that to a vegetarian there's whole generation of people that were just not getting on board with vegetarianism.

My mum was one of them. She just was not willing to give. She was totally fine with the gay thing, but if I'd gone veggie, she would have lost her shit. Did you ever go veggie? You've always flirted with it, but never committed. I did six months. Okay. I did six months.

You didn't like it, did you? It's going to make me sound like a really bad person, but I didn't like it. I didn't. I, listen, I'm going to not lie to you. The first three months, absolutely filled with being smug. I feel like the way I do when I don't drink for three weeks, I'm like, oh my God, I am such a... Is that the longest you've gone three weeks? No, the longest I went was when I had COVID, long COVID.

So that was months I didn't drink. But then I didn't even want to drink because I was dizzy. And the last thing I wanted was booze. So that doesn't really count. It does count. I didn't drink for three months. It's like when people say I didn't drink when I was pregnant. I was like, yeah.

You don't drink when you're pregnant. Well, I feel like it counted. No, sure. Okay. Okay. Outside of that, a month is the longest. And that I really, by the end of it, was like, this has got to end. I've got to have a drink soon.

I can't be in any more social situations completely sober. What I realized was, and this is not a good, I'm not proud of this in any way, I have a drink problem. I didn't know where that was going. I think that I can't be in a social situation completely sober and I don't think that's a good thing. No. But it's a good thing to know about yourself, isn't it? Because I can work towards it.

I can work towards that. I can work towards being like, I can be in a social situation. I don't mean like meeting for coffee or anything. I just mean like, you know, I don't mean like I've got a hit flask out going, sorry, Kerry, you're going to have to soften the edges of whatever this chat is.

I mean, you know when you go to like a party or if you go to one of those. I remember parties, yeah. Do you remember parties? Or even worse, there's horrendous award ceremonies. I can't do those sober. If I've got to do dry chit-chat with people, I don't know, I probably don't like. Let's lube up with a bit of booze.

Yeah. I hear you. I'm at the other side of that. I don't go to anything. What do you feel at those events when you're completely aware? I don't go to them anymore. I don't go to them. I'm literally through, I feel like I've gone through the Rubicon.

And now I'm on the other side in a kind of like, I'm not going to go to that. I don't want to go to that. Yeah. I think I don't go to anything as well. And I think that's just so I don't make my drink problem worse. And I think that's the way forward in order to mitigate my alcoholism. I do it. Sometimes I do it.

I'm like that granny in royal family that says she doesn't drink. Have you seen that clip, it's gone viral? Listen, this is what I'm doing now. I've taken Instagram off my phone. Take an Instagram off. That's the new me. Great. Good for you.

and fuck-ups. Good for you. That's got a go. That's got to go. There's no good comes from that. It's too much. No, Kerry, I am always, and I mean this sincerely, I admire the choices that you make

because every time you tell, I'm like, oh, that actually really makes sense. Like, I'm not joking anymore. Oh, that makes sense. I'll take an Instagram off my phone. That makes complete sense. I'm not going to these boring events. Yes, of course. Do you know what I'm doing that I've never done before for the first time?

I'm listening to an audiobook. Never listen to an audio book. Always read books. I listen to podcasts. I read books. Right. And I'm in a book group and I haven't got time to sit and read the book. You're doing double time?

So I'm like doing the ironing, driving to places, walking about, listening to the books. I'm getting, I'm getting shit done while I'm listening to the book. This is a great thing about audio books. This is the great thing about audio books. But it happens to be Sally Rooney's latest book. Okay. which has got lotus sex in it. Oh, great.

And like all Sally Rooney books. Sexy time. Sexy times. And it's like microcosm sexy times. So what's happening? The finger goes in there. There's some moisture there. Their breath went there.

Okay. Okay. So it's that kind of like micro detail of fornication. Yeah. Fornication. All right. Well, it's a book. So we use long words.

Oh, we use long words. We don't just say shagging. All right. And I was on the tube and I've got shit headphones. And it came out on a really packed two. Right. In the middle of something going inside something else. And someone calling out in pleasure.

Oh God. How loud was it? It was loud enough for a couple of people to give me direct eye contact. And I really wanted to say, hey, this is highbrow. Yeah. This is not porn. I'm not being caught on a train watching porn. No.

I'm reading Sally Rooney's. She's a very respected writer. Yes, she is. And I didn't want the judgment that those eyes got, gave me. I really felt defensive. No. Because I'm really cultured. You are cultured.

But in that moment, no one cared about how cultured you may or may not be. They just thought she's listening to porn. Or, erotic. 50 shades of... Yeah, exactly. Erotica. Erotica, yeah. I mean, I haven't read that.

Have you read that 50 shades of what's it? No, but I've read all of Sally Rooney's and there's always a little bit of filth in there. It's a little, little, little bitch. That was why I was actually like a little bit of dirty talk. Yeah. Well, I mean, I don't know whether it's because I'm getting older or what it is. You don't want sex talk. I don't think I want it.

I can't. Yeah, but Sally Rooney makes it arty. Pleasurable. Yeah. That's the wrong word. That's the wrong word. She makes it intellectual. It's intellectual shagging.

Oh, intellectual shagging is fine, actually. Yeah. I was just trying to think I was watching. something on my phone. It wasn't porn. But it was... It was sexy time. And it was a show called Outlander.

And in... I don't even know what episode it is, but there's a particular episode where there is a very long, protracted, sexy. And I just happened... To watch it a few times. No, it was on a train. And I thought, oh...

I'll watch that again. I'll run that back. I missed... I slow-mod it. Something. A slow-mode it. Let's go. And after I'd watched it three or four times, I noticed that the woman sat next to me.

Uh-oh. Had was like watching it with me. Oh, yeah. And I thought, I'm uncomfortable with the fact that you're watching it with me. And I can't figure out, because I didn't want to get eye contact with her. I couldn't figure out, is she watching it with me because she's like, oh, this is nice. Or is she watching it with me going, I cannot believe that you think this is a pro. Watching it in outrage.

Yeah, I think she was watching it in outrage. But sticking with it. But you know when people watch it, but they almost want you to know. Like, I'm watching this, but I want you you to know that I disapprove you watching this. Well, I'm watching this. And I'm only watching this to let you know that I disapprove.

And I, I didn't look. You coward. But also, I thought there was a little bit that when she seems to be enjoying this. But I would have switched it off. But I thought, what if she's like? What she likes it? Oh my God. You got invested in the outcome for her.

I got so invested in the outcome. You wanted a happy ending for it. I wanted her to have her own happy ending. That's it. What's Ben's love language? Ben's very kind You know Ben He's cooks and cleans

All that stuff you were just saying He's very domestic He just does it Coffee in the morning He's very loving And he uses language Good old fashioned English language

I love you Kerry Why How did you I don't know how I managed To find Ben and keep him It's a fucking miracle I mean

I mean we've talked about this We have talked about it before Not on the podcast But certainly As friends That you've said I mean, got to cling on to this one. Oh, 100% I'm aware that I'm very lucky to have Ben.

He is good. He is great. He has. He really is. He's a good soul. He is. And what a calm presence. What a calm presence.

He just is a tolerant, calm. He doesn't, I don't get any kind of code. There's no like, wow, I said that, but I didn't mean it. I thought this. But it's just this. clarity. There's no games. There's no bullshit.

No games. No bullshit. But actually, we've both got that in our part of us because there's no bullshit with Chloe. We have. We're both very lucky. Zero, zero bullshit. There's none of this. No.

Well, when I gave you that, look, I meant this, but I know I implied that, but you should know. There's a code and you should, there's none of that. No, there's none of that. That's just, I did tell you, and I thought telling you was what you would understand to be the thing. But you didn't understand. And so now I am doing this thing where I'm. telling you again.

There is a sort of, they have got a care. I do sometimes feel like he's my carer. And Chloe does have that kind of vibe with you. They are, they've got a key worker vibe. That's all I'm saying. It's a slight key worker vibe. But is that then or is that us?

Well, I think if you're going out with a comedian, you are going to have to lean into that key worker vibe now and then. That's all I'm saying. Yeah, you are. Well, because of the amount of emotional breakdowns we've both had with our partners on our own. They do have to listen. Quite a lot. They have to, they see it and they'll go, oh, it's happening.

They're having a breakdown. I can see when I'm having a breakdown and I can see when Chloe can see that I'm having a breakdown. And I can see, she's thinking, how am I going to deal with this? Because I've got shit loads on and I can't deal with whatever this is. I will have to. I know I have to. That's what I mean. There's a professionalism to it, which has got a key worker vibe.

Yeah, I guess you're right. Yeah. And also, she's a trained life coach. There you go. Ben's a coach as well. Ben works in behaviour, blah, blah, blah. Yeah. It's all his area of expertise.

And this is a wonderful thing. But a little bit of advice to partners, don't life coach your partner. Nobody wants it. Not if they're a comedian. They will tell you to go fuck yourself. Oh, yes. I'm going to say something like,

have you ever done silent comedy? That'd be the first thing I say. And they'll say no. And I'll go, well, I'm afraid I'm going to have to shut this down. What a run. This champ is picking up speed. But they found Elaine. Phenomenal launch into the air.

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I worked in a patisserie. I was just going to tell you that. And I had to make things like I had to give people cakes and stuff. You should be on bake-off. No. I didn't make the cakes You just sold them But you've got

Like experience with cakes I've got experience with cakes Right you should have a cake I've looked at a cake I've sold a cake I've been near cakes Did you eat quite a lot of cake? I probably ate quite a few cakes

Although you didn't get any cakes free to buy them But you got a discount My point is Every now and again They would get an order for a really big cake Yes Like it'd be like so

And there's a party Like a birthday cake Celebration cake And so they would you know go to, so this place, although it was a patissory, they didn't make anything there. They ordered everything in.

Right, right. So on this occasion, there was a 22 inch or 26 inch, like fucking huge. Like, I'm holding it like this. Like, my arms are far apart, by the way. It's massive. Yeah. Okay, so they're like, this cake,

can you take it upstairs? And then when they come to get it, well, you can go get it. Right. So anyway, long story short, the cake is upstairs. And at one point, my boss goes, Jen, can you go,

I'm going to go and deliver the cake now, this humongous cake for this big event. happening. Today, I said, no problem. I went upstairs to get the cake. I grab the cake. I'm holding it. I'm coming down the stairs. And then I sort of hit the step in the wrong place. And I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, I've lent, quite far forward. My hands have dropped, and the cake, as I'm trying to rebalance myself, I've actually given it momentum. And the cake has slid off the cake thing. and landed the entirety of the cake onto the stairs. And then I'm staring at this cake. And this is a big cake, a big cake. This is very big cake.

Oh, Jesus. This is as big as a cake as a big cake. So you're going to have to quit that job. That's over now. They didn't fire me. What? I'd fired you. Would you fire me?

Yeah, 100%. I just can't bear it when you've got incompetent Saturday staff. be like, oh, fuck off, I'll get another one. There's loads of them. I'd been there for about two years at this point. Oh, right, so you were quite key and they had a relationship with you. Okay, I take it back. But honestly.

How did you get out of that? I didn't. How do you get out of that? You don't get out of it. You just have to say that cake. Take out of your wages? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Take it out my wages.

And then they took that one out of my wages and then I had to pay for the next one as well. Oh, my God, Jen. Yeah. Do you find cakes quite triggering now? So now I don't like to be near cakes. In fact, I don't like... There was a cake at your 50th recently. Yeah.

Now I know your backstory with cake. I didn't have a slice of it. Did you notice that? I noticed you didn't go near it. I didn't touch it. No, I didn't even see it. But what was it? It was just a little cake with 50 on it.

Apart from your montage, which you've always criticized montages, but apart from your Instagram montage. Okay, okay. I haven't seen any pictures. Straight in. And I didn't appreciate the feedback from Chloe about the music. The music was bad. Yeah, but it was like relevant.

No, it was shit. The music show. Yeah, I know, but it's relevant to the montage. Oh, how is it relevant? It was Ghibli. It was Studio Ghibli music. What's that? I feel like you don't even know who I have.

Just put a head in the eyes. I feel like, who are you? Who am I? I don't know. I feel like I'm going to learn, though. Okay. Studio Ghibli is the films, the Japanese animation films that make Spruited Away and...

Oh, yeah. Yes, my friends. Yeah, and Totoa. Yeah, right? And I've even seen those films. That's the origins of the Japan story. So Frank, my son, do you remember Frank? So Frank, my son is obsessed with.

Yes, I remember Frank. Yeah. He's obsessed with those films and has been since he was little. And that is the seed, the seed that sowed the Japan adventure. To be fair, the only reason we watch those films is because you suggested them. There we go. So, yeah. So I do, I apologize.

No, it's fine. I mean, I think I'm being jovially aggressive, but I think I'm going to be more. But the music was still, well, the music was still shit. And I'm thinking of all of the studio music that could have been available with that particular brand of. Look, look, let's just go back to the other strand of narrative, which is it's a miracle I made a montage. It's an absolute miracle. And you're giving me like granular notes on the soundtrack. I'm like, fuck you.

It's miraculous I succeeded in that post. That is absolutely correct. There's so many plates for me to spin. I made a post. I didn't include my children who won't let me use their faces for any social media, which is probably admirable. I agree with them. So there were hardly any pictures that I could use.

And then I found some music that was relevant. I'm like, that'll do, Ghibli. Studio Ghibli. We went to Studio Ghibli. And then I get feedback, not from you directly, through Chloe. No, no, from Chloe. Yeah. But it was important that she,

She heard it, that she, that she, you know, joined in. I can't even say the word. Relayed it is what I wanted to say to you. She said, oh, nice montage, but Jen said the music shit. I'm like, whoa, Jen can speak for herself. I said it's probably best if it doesn't come from me directly. And it turns out it was good. It was good that I didn't, it didn't come from me directly.

Was there any other feedback from people about the music? Was it just me? No, it was just me. Wow, that's interesting. Yeah. It's just me. Yeah, that is interesting. Isn't that interesting.

I'm just going to urge listeners to go to your Instagram page. No, don't. Why are you steering people towards derision? No, because the montage in and of itself is pleasurable to watch. Thank you. Very, very enjoyable. Why are you looking for problems? I'm not looking for problems.

I was really impressed by the content that you created because you're not a content creator and you don't enjoy it and it's not your bag and you're not very good at it. And I tagged the relevant people. I tagged the tour people. I did all that. I'm not an influencer, Jen. No. Oh, God.

I'm very much a Gen X lumpen full. Yes. As am I. As am I. Right. And I made a montage. And I know I cast a montage is, but I made one. Yeah.

So go and watch it. Enjoy it. And then a little bit of feedback at the bottom. You wait a good. Let us know. Go watch it. Go watch it. And then let us know what you think of the music.

No. No. No, no. I'm not inviting any more feedback. I love to hear from you. Feel free to tag me. with your feedback on Kerry's Choice of Music. That's at Kerry Godman on Instagram.

Kerry who? You're welcome. Kerry Goddlyman. I am saying your name correctly. You're just really... You're scatting now. You're practically scatting. Kerry Roglaman?

I don't know what I'm saying. She just gave up. Mid my nose. I did. I did. So I got this text. Well, Joel. and I both got this text to be fair.

And I couldn't stop laughing for about five minutes. It took me quite a long time. And then I was like, I was laughing whilst I was screen grabbing this text. And I immediately sent it back to you, well, to all of us, whilst I was laughing because I thought, this is the funniest thing I've ever seen in my life. Because also, there's a little bit that was like, is Kerry having a breakdown? Because none of that made any sense. and they're right at the end, hopefully, for fuck's sake.

And now, I don't even know, I don't really know what I'm trying to say. What were we talking about? I'm just going to read it out. I'm just going to read it out because you can find again this picture on the Memory Lone podcast. This is a text message that was sent to Joel and I on our WhatsApp group from Memory Lane. Kerry Goddenham, weird, said they went. I've delete Ben from Max, so we'll have to re-transfer. It's okay.

I'm out now. Holy act by. to booey, hopefully, for fuck's sake. Okay, let me interpret that for you. Okay, let me, this is a special dialect called Middle Age Lady without her glasses on. Yep, I picked it. Okay.

And I am very resistant to voice notes, despite the fact that when you haven't got your glasses, you really shouldn't text. You should just send a little voice note. But I don't want to do them. They feel like, like we've talked about before, like they're just little ego farts that you send out into the ether. So I tried to text you, but it didn't go very well, did it? No. I can't use words that I can't see. So I think I'm referring to having deleted something by accident that I didn't intend to delete and that I'm going to resend it later,

but I'm out now. Holy Act by two should mean I'll be back by two. Yes? Right. Yeah. Bui. Bowie, I don't know. I think booey was hopefully. Booy. Because then you went booey and then you weren't hopefully. And then I resorted to acronyms, for fuck's sake. FFS. It was more the gradual breakdown of, of, I mean, it was a woman in decline.

It's what I got from that. You saw a very clear trajectory. Downwards. Wheels coming off there. Yeah, yeah. I mean, what about, like, you're the queen of social media. We've established that. So have you ever made a post, put all the writing.

because you put big, you put big captions. I've admired from afar your captions, but I can't risk a big caption because it's just more opportunity for typos. So many a time, I've put a post out and I've thought, I've sat down, I've put my glasses on, I've read it over several times,

and then I've looked back over it, and it's got some weird typo in it, and I've had to delete it. You don't have to delete it, you can edit it? What? You can, are you deleting it? Yeah. Are you deleting the whole thing?

Yeah. Because you can just... How do you do this? What? There's three little dots at the top of the post. You press in those three little dots and you go down to edit. And then you can edit it. Edit, so, I mean, the beauty of making a mistake on a post, whether it be faceback or faceback.

That means that. Do you know about faceback? Everyone knows on Facebook anymore. It's the care of home chitch chat. Face back. Face back. Fucking hell. I'm trying to sound relevant and already that I've failed.

Bala propped. Go on. I didn't know you could edit a post. I just delete them and start again. Oh my God. Or invariably, I delete them and walk away and throw my phone in the pond. I mean, the fact that you delete the whole post is to retype the whole thing and then that could be wrong and then you keep, would you just keep deleting it? Yeah. No wonder you only write three lines. Love this. Yeah. Listen here. Yeah, that's what I do. I go. I just write, this is out. Get it in your ear holes. Bye. Yeah. But I think to be fair, that's all you need. Correct. Have you started knitting? No, I'm just touching my baby scarf.

I'm just holding it. You've got two knitting needles in your hand and some knitting. The other day, the other day, I put my knitting needle in my hair like this, right? I had it in my hair like in a sort of Miss Jean Brody situation like that. And then I got distracted and then I spent 10 minutes looking for my knitting needle. Looking everywhere. Like, oh, where is that fucking knitting needle? Moving all the cushions from the sofa, going mad.

And then finally Frank came in. I went, oh God, Frank. is my knitting needle. I just had it. I was knitting. And now I can't find it. And he literally went, isn't it? Is that it? In your hair? Oh, Kerry. Yeah. Yeah.

I'm gonna, when I see Ben next, because he'll have his bass. I might just bring my guitar along. We'll jam. We'll just have a jam. I mean, I really want that to happen. I really, really want. that and nothing would make well Ben happier and I'd find it highly entertaining but not in a musical capacity no because I'm terrible I am embarrassingly bad I mean people walk out when I

pick the guitar up I was really impressed with Joel because he kept he was nodding his head in a very supportive like a care worker like a key worker and my support worker yeah like that's lovely that's lovely well done should we have some lunch now yeah I'll brought you your favorite jelly, orange flavor. It's always orange flavor. Is it sleeping time now? That's better than me because I just made Ben. Because you know when you do drag and drop on we transfer?

Oh yeah. I'm always dragging the dropping. Drop it like his heart. So then I'm just am making lunch for me going, when the pimps in the crib and the hem and a hair, drop it like his heart, drop it like it's heart. Every time you do it, we transfer now, You get snoopier one.

When the pimps in the crib and a chop it like a tired, jumping like a cat. I mean, we've had some appalling guitar playing from the night. Fortunately, it wasn't picked up. It wasn't picked up. And now. A little bit of rap from me. What the flickety fuck was that? Jump it like his heart.

Chop it like his heart. I mean, I really hope. Neither of your children ever listen to this podcast. Why the fuck would any content I create be of any interest to my teenage children? Isn't it incredible? But how little interest they have in our lives. Isn't that? Well, she's like, why would I want to listen to you on a podcast

when I have to listen to you all the time every day? I mean, fair play, actually. That is true. I mean, that's very much Chloe. That's how Chloe feels. She doesn't listen to anything I do. She's like, why would I listen to you? I hear you already.

She gets a front row seat every day. And when you're not here, why would I want to hear you? Why would I want you here? Yeah, I don't want you here when you're not here. In fact, when you're not here, it's lovely that you're not here. So, yeah, fair enough. But I'm sorry you missed out. Listen, next time I'll lay down another two tracks for you.

I just love it that you call it tracks. I don't know what I'm talking about. You know how some people They're not even It's not even by music All I'm doing is Watching a YouTube clip And trying to copy it

Huh? Why don't you write some songs? Wides some songs I can barely play the guitar How am I going to write some songs? I did do a poo song for my children Which they really loved it. Improved it

Oh, kids love poo songs Pooh content And so many things are I'm with poo So you can write off the bat there was a young boy he did a poo he walked along the street he fell down the loo what a thing to do and so it goes

and that's a that's another track I might lay down actually it's good it's really good now you're looking at me like I remember once when Frank was your boys's age and he'd made us either a poo joke or a willy joke and I was like oh what's

what's funnier is it a poo joke or a willy joke He was in a, he was in knots. He was like, oh, poo jokes are really funny. But Willie jokes are really funny. They're both so funny. Which is the funniest. What's funnier? I think I'm going to have to go with Willie jokes.

I love. No poo, no poo. I love that he's actually analysing it. Yeah, we sat there like, this is the kind of highbrow chat that I have, you know. What does your mum do for a job? She is a comedian and we discuss the granular detail of whether a poo joke, scatological humour, is better than a knob joke. Discuss.

I really don't think you should ever say granular detail and then use the word poo. Okay, that is visually, that's not okay. Also, on stage now, I still love a knob joke. And I say that as lesbian. All day long. I'm like knob gags all day long. I did a corporate recently and a knob gag came out. I didn't want it to, but it just presented itself and I've got to. Just popped out.

It popped out. It literally flopped out. But the trouble was, the corporate was at 2pm and I realized there is. There's no wrong time for a good knob joke. Well, yeah. There's no wrong time. No? The clocks mean nothing.

You can do a knob joke at 10 to 10 in the morning, 10 to 10 at night. Do you know what? They did laugh. but I felt there was an intake of breath by a couple of people because it was only two p.m. Comedy's comedy, mate. I quite like it. I quite like serious, interesting, complex thoughts.

Nob joke. I mean, I don't have any interesting complex thoughts when I do stand up. I literally have varying degrees of knobgags. You have rage and then knob joke. I have ranting and knobgags. Fury. Yeah.

Fury. Nob joke. Fury. Nob joke. They're like the natural bedfellows, aren't they? I found a photograph of myself on the internet and it was so bad that I made this sound Okay firstly

firstly that photo isn't that bad is that oh my even Ben and we've covered many times on here that Ben is the nicest man and I do feel very loved by Ben I feel I feel very seen and I feel very loved And even he went, fuck. Look, I'm not saying it's a good photo of you. No, it's horrific.

But we've all had these photos of us. No, that one of you wasn't as bad. That one of you was not good. But that one of me, I looked like a witch coming out of a pie. I didn't know what pie face meant until I saw that picture. Because this area of your face, this area of your face, this area. the face bit of the face is coming out of the neck region of the face

so it looks like you're emerging from a pie. I tell you what's happened is it had caught you in a moment of joy. I thought I was looking. Yeah. In my head I was happy. Well, you were happy.

But what's happened so often when we're happy or when we're caught off guards and we're not in charge of, we're not in charge of what our face is doing. Why is doing its own thing? Why would anyone, anyone put that fucking picture on the internet. I mean, if you were a photographer, right?

We talked about this. I took some pictures of some people on the red carpet. Because this is what happens, right? When you get to be a D-List celebrity, sometimes you get free tickets for a show and in exchange, you have to take, someone has to take your picture on a carpet and you go, do you know what, fuck it.

For a few tickets, we went to see Cirque de Soleil. I was like, I love Cirque de Soleil. They gave me four three figures. Oh yeah, that's what I mean. Yeah. I went to see them. Cirque de Solliehl I'd love to see Cirque de Sollio

It's a different show But yeah it's worth going to say Yeah So you're on the red carpet It's not the lady boys of Barnsley isn't it Remember the lady boys of Bangkok Me and my mate used to have The Lady Boys of Barnsley

Anyway So we were at the Cirque de Soleil What they called? Cirque de Soleil And then you have to get your photograph taken And you think, fine I don't mind that. I wore a sparkly top

and I wore what I thought was a reasonably glamorous coat. It was. It was. Oh, Jesus, Jen. I look like I'm falling pissed out of the bingo. It's horrific. Look, there's nothing wrong with the coat.

I think what's happened there is a lot wrong with the coat. It makes me look five times bigger. I look like a unit in that coat. It's a fur coat. What do you want from a fur coat? They make everyone look a bit more like a unit. And there was... Don't get rid of the fur coat.

The fur coat is, look, I'm just going to say that the composition of that photograph all around is an error. And that's on the photographer, to be fair. That's not on you. That's on the photographer. I put that on the internet. I don't know why they put this on the internet. Look, that photograph that I showed you of me at a gig that I did last week,

that was put on Instagram as if, and I said, oh, you chose that one. The delete button wasn't working when you saw that. And they went, oh, we like it. Do you want us to take it down? And I thought, don't be a prick and go, yeah, take it down. So I thought, I'll just leave it. But I do think, yes, obviously take it down. Of course take that down.

Use your eyes to look at the photograph. See that I look fucking awful and take it down. I mean, there's like, oh, you know, I don't want to get into the realm of like, oh, you know, what I might get Botox and blah, all that shit, right? No, we're not doing that. I can, I'm comfortable with my age. I'm comfortable mostly with my face. But a photograph like that is what the,

fuck just delete it it's a tricky it's a tricky photograph to to defend and that's for sure but but but but what I will say is that any any of us obviously not really not really

lots of lots of people they know what their face is doing all the time but for you and I who to be fair you and I it's partly our responsibility to learn how to not look like we're coming out of a part We need to get a photo face. Now, you don't have a photo face. No, I need a photo face. And I don't have a photo face.

So that when ever... So is it about angles? It's about angles. What is your good side? It's about learning how to position your chin. Now, everyone I know. Smiling without showing your teeth, I think might be a key thing for me. Well, there's...

Right there. So some... Oh, yes. But then I just look like I'm smelling... You do look like... You smell something like off milk. Yeah, yeah. But, well, maybe don't...

Maybe turn your lips up a bit. So you're half sweat. Fucking hell that's creepy. Well, you know, it might need a bit of work. It might need a bit of work. Well, is there anyone offering this as a service? Because I need help. I need help.

You need to. Because I do like free tickets. I like free tickets. So I do want to keep taking the free tickets. No, no. And the free tickets mean red carpet. Red carpet means photographs. Photographs go on the internet.

I don't want to look like a woman coming out of a pie. So I need to have a system. Okay, right. What we need to do, and I'm going to include myself in this, because I also need to learn how to do this. There needs to be some basic examination of people that are doing it right. So we need to go on the interweb and look at women on red carpets and see what they're doing with their heads.

You'll notice they're always doing this. They're doing different things with their heads. Like chin up, chin down to the side. And you've got to naturalise that, haven't you? You've got to get there and then poise yourself and not go. Don't go. And you're turning to that. I mean, clearly what I think I'm doing in that picture is,

is that I'm smiling probably at Ben or the kids or the people I'm with, laughing, trying to look jovial. But we can't have joy. We can't have joy. You've got to take joy out of the equation. The next time you're on the red carpet, don't think about... No joy.

No joy. Think about what is my face doing. What is my face doing? And then really freeze it into a position and then maybe chin slightly down. Oh, Jesus, I'm not going to be able to do this. You can. This just sounds beyond my capability.

Well, obviously, it's beyond your capabilities. is beyond my capability. But until we learn to do that, we are going to look like gurning turnips, so we need to make an effort. Okay. Okay, I'm really glad that I've got you

as a support for this because it's quite a niche problem. It is a niche problem. But honestly, there's some, there are some female American comedians. We need a support group. We need a support group. What we need to do is contact

these American comedians, right? It's always the US comics. Yes. They're usually... Really glamorous. Like weirdly glamorous, right? But they've had work done, I think. Possibly, possibly, but they still look great.

And they're on the red carpet and they look, obviously their outfits look incredible. They've got legs. I mean, I know we've got legs, but they've got. I know, but we have got legs. And their faces. Maybe we need to do, but that's the other thing. It's because we haven't frozen our face.

If we need to freeze it, then the trouble is your forehead moves and that's where you're going wrong. The forehead was the least of my problems with that picture. It was all below the nose. the problem was worse. All this shit. All this jowly shit. Yeah, but you don't see that usually.

So it was quite, that was quite something to bring that up to the surface. Yes. To really squish your face down. It was plasticine to encourage that to like burnish. That was, that was. Pie. Which coming out of pie. That's what I'm going to call my next tour show, which coming out of a pie.

I can't wait to hear it. I can't wait to hear it. It's going to be a. I can't wait to see the poster. If that is the poster, I'm going to use that picture as my poster. I don't think there's going to get a lot of traction to come back. The people that put those things up,

can you buy it? Can I buy that picture? Can I buy that picture to come off? I don't think you can buy it to come off. You can buy the picture and then you can own the picture. No, I want to pay for it to come off. That's a sorry state of affairs, isn't it? When you're having to bar,

when your own face is being held hostage on the, internet. So you've got to buy your face off a photographer. Tell that to Pamela Anderson. Oh, why? Was it her face? Did she have a buy face situation? No, but she had a whole video out there for ages. She didn't want out. You've got to get in contact with Getty images and say to them, listen, just a little, I wonder if this is possible. They've got a photo of me. Can we take that down? I mean, you've got a lot of sort of semi-shipped ones. Keep them. But that really shit one, let's say that's over the line. They've got the one of you and I together on Getty. Oh, that one. That's another one where I feel like,

oh, we do look like some ladies coming out of the bingo on that one. Well, neither of us look great. Neither of us look like we've ever dressed to leave the house before. I'm wearing boots. Don't go with the trousers. You know what told me that. And in our defence, that wasn't long after lockdown. So we really weren't just happy to be out of the house.

But what I think is interesting is that a few people tell me I look nice and I how I don't trust anyone anymore. I thought you did look nice. No. This is the problem. Mirrors and cameras are two separate kingdoms. Shut them down. They don't communicate with each other.

Mirror says you look alright. Camera says you fucking don't. I'm Max Rushden. I'm David O'Darney. And we'd like to invite you to listen to our new podcast. What Did You Do Yesterday? It's a show that asks guests the big question. Quite literally, what did you do yesterday?

That's it. That is it. Max, I'm still not sure. Where do we put the stress? Is it what did you do yesterday? What did you do yesterday? You know what I mean? What did you do yesterday?

I'm really down playing it. Like, what did you do yesterday? Like, I'm just a guy just asking a question. But do you think I should go bigger? What did you do yesterday? What did you do yesterday? Every single word this time I'm going to try and make it like it is the killer word. What did you?

do yesterday? I think that's too much, isn't it? That's over the top. What did you do yesterday? Available wherever you get your podcasts every Sunday.