Memory Lane with Kerry Godliman and Jen Brister - S04 E27: Laura Lexx

Episode Date: September 17, 2025

"I was an elf in lapland... wearing snowsuits... scampering in the snow... saying oh no children have found us..."The brilliant Laura Lexx is a ray of comedy sunshine this week!From being one of Santa's elves to going knitting mad in lockdown to raising her dog to raising her daughter to life as a brilliant stand-up.Laura is filming her last tour show this week if you can get tickets (in bio - @lauralexx), her latest book 'Pivot' is out now. Laura also hosts two brilliant podcasts - Lexxeducation and The Comedy BeureauPLUS... Kerry and Jen chat about balding, make-up, holidays and SPINAL TAP 2!!!....Kerry you really should make more of a big deal about being in SPINAL TAP 2!!!!JEN & KERRY STAND-UP TOURSKerry's 2025 tour is on sale now - https://www.ticketmaster.co.uk/kerry-godliman-tickets/artist/1866728Jen's 2025 tour is on sale now - https://www.jenbrister.co.uk/tour/PHOTOSPHOTO 1: Brothers and sistersPHOTO 2: Lockdown madnessPHOTO 3: The dogPHOTO 4: My DaughterPHOTO 5: My husbandPICS & MORE - https://www.instagram.com/memory_lane_podcast/A Dot Dot Dot Production produced by Joel PorterHosted by Jen Brister & Kerry Godliman Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This episode is brought to you by Peloton. A new era of fitness is here. Introducing the new Peloton Cross Training Tread Plus, powered by Peloton IQ. Built for breakthroughs, with personalized workout plans, real-time insights, and endless ways to move. Lift with confidence, while Peloton IQ counts reps, corrects form, and tracks your progress. Let yourself run, lift, flow, and go. Explore the new Peloton Cross Training Tread Plus at OnePeloton.ca. Is it the matcha, or am I this energized from scoring three Sephora holiday gift sets?

Definitely the sets. Full size and minis bundled together? What a steal. And that packaging? So cute. It practically wraps itself. And I know I should be giving them away, but I'm keeping the Summer Fridays and Rare Beauty by Selena Gomez. I don't blame you. The best holiday beauty are only at Sephora. Gift sets from Summer Fridays, Rare Beauty, Way, and more are going fast.

Get full-size favorites and must-have minis bundled for more value. Shop before they're gone. In-store online at Sephora.com. Hello and welcome to Memory Lane. I'm Jen Bristair and I'm Kerry Godleman. Each week we'll be taking a trip down Memory Lane with our very special guest as they bring in four photos from their lives to talk about. To check out the photos we'd be having a natter with them about, they're on the episode image and you can also see them a little bit more clearly

on our Instagram page. So have a little look at Memory Lane podcast. Come on, we can all be nosy together. Sorry, I'm just eating corn. It's weird. We start, yeah, we're always starting. So, how are you adjusting from the end of summer going into the autumn? Because I haven't worn makeup for a month and I haven't plucked my eyebrows.

And then I had a look in the, what do you call it, micro mirror? Mirror, but the one that. Oh, don't do that. The one that goes in Zoom. No, no, no, no. And I looked at my eyebrows and they are out of control. You shouldn't have done that. I know, but at some point you have to engage with it.

I got mine threaded. Do you? I get mine threaded. I've only had my threaded once. Well, you've got to do it. You've got to get threaded. That's what you got to do. Yeah, but wine have got bald patches now.

That's a thing of ageing. You get balding eyebrows. Well, I don't want to thread. I've always had it. Well, you don't say, listen, when you're threading my eyebrows, because you focus on the ball patch, you just do, I mean, I've got a strong brow. How regularly do you get these threaded? Oh, whenever I can be bothered.

A few months, every few months. And what do you do with the little stubbly bits? I thought you were like, what'd you do with the hair? I asked them to put it in an envelope, but I take it. as I get home with me. I show the family. What do you do with the stubble? What do you mean?

Well, threading fine. That's just a glorified plucking. And then the stubble comes. Oh, I don't engage with it until it's fully grown back. I don't engage with my face. Chloe says this about me. She goes, you don't really engage with your face. Well, I didn't all summer.

And then when I re-engage with my face, I was like, shit. I really should have engaged with my face. I haven't re-engaged with my face since the summer. So I don't know what my face is doing. So I think at the moment, my eyebrows are okay. But when it starts to grow back, I just disengage from it. And then I wait until it's full unibrow. And then I go, I better go and get them threaded.

It's time. Yeah. There are times where I go, oh, that, come on, we've got to do something about that. Right. But it's usually when I'm like, oh, no, I've got to go to an awards thing on Saturday. Right. And then I look at my face and go, I should have done something about this ages ago. Right.

But day to day, I just let it. It does help if you're a bit myopic as well because you can't really see. Oh my God. Honestly, I am both delighted that I can't see my face but also terrified. Because anything could be going on. Anything's going on. And all your friends are a bit blind as well because they're all the same age. Yeah.

So everyone I trust, you can't see. I can't see. And I did say this. I did say this to, I basically said this to a makeup artist. I said before I was on. You've got to. You've got to. I've said that to make a part of it.

I said you've got to tell me what's going on with my chin. And she went, there are a few things going on. And I went, can you get them? Get them out. Get them out. Don't leave them there. You're like the last port of call before I enter HD. Don't let me go on HD camera with three pubs hanging off my chin.

You've got to get in there and pull them out. You know, I've got the way, here's something that happens to me. It's always quite humiliating when it happens. The top of my head, the way my, what do they call it, the way your hair curls around. You know where your hair comes out of your head. Yes, I do know what you mean. It's called a spiral head.

It's called a spiral head, yeah. So the way my spiral head is, I mean, I look like I've got a ball patch. No. All right. Do you want to have a little look at my ball patch? Yes, please. Oh, okay. That's quite a big gap there.

There's a big gap there. It's like a ravine. Okay, well, I call it a ball patch. I'd say a ravine. Ravine is very white. It's quite a wide ravine. How wide is it? Well, it's not a bald patch.

It's about half a centimeter. A ravine. Okay, a ravine is very wide. Okay, well, anyway, this ravine on the top of my head, I'm always very aware when I'm doing a stand-up gig and people are up on the balcony, especially if they're at the side in those little boothy bits if you're a proper theatre.

Or if you do a corporate and you turn around and you're on camera, top of your head's on camera, and then it's on a big screen. The ball patch. So, when I did one of the only acting jobs I've ever had, which was I was in an episode of Breeders, series three, I think. Episode six. Anyway, it doesn't matter.

Might be episode five. I can't remember. But anyway, they had to do, on the makeup. They coloured in your ravine. It has a cover in my ravine. Oh. That was quite humiliating. Jen, sorry, we've just seen the top of you.

We're going to have to, I hope you don't mind go to makeup. Oh. And they cover your ravine. Because if you're, it's because you've got short hair. If you had long hair, like I might have a ravine, but I've got a top knock. And that covers up a ravine. Yeah, I don't have a top knock. I've got a ravine.

Yes, because you've got a short hair. I've got to get it coloured in. That's quite something. But if you think about it, that's all makeup is, colouring in. You're colouring in your eyes, you're colouring in your lips. That's makeup. Yeah. So why is that more humiliating, less humiliating?

This is the top of your head. And you're supposed to have hair there. Balding. Yeah. Well, I've never noticed it. Well, also, I am. And this is, I think this is part of the menopause. Anyway, whatever.

But these bits have thinned, like my widow's peak. Right. So on either side of my head. So people are like, oh, why you've got your hair so short these days? Why don't you grow it longer anymore? It's because when I had it longer and obviously I'd push it back. Then you can see, oh, she's got quite a deep widow's peak. I never thought that when your hair was longer.

Ever. Well, I recently have been putting up clips of myself because I'm promoting my tour. I just buy a set ticket. you've been playing lots of things. I know because you've got to haven't you? You're very good at that. I know. Well, I'm not, I'm just very good at wanting to sell tickets. You're very good at knowing how to navigate the internet. What do you mean? I mean I you, like you said on my recent plug for my tour, you look deranged. No, what's the phrase you look used? In fairness. These are demented. That was it. These are demented. No, I said they're getting progressively more demented.

Okay. Potato potato. Sorry, do correct me on the order of words, but Demented was the key phrase. Okay. In my defence, have you watched it back recently? It is demented. It is funny. Stayed with you though, didn't it? Yeah, it was very.

Well, that's it. It was punchy, it's catchy. And by the way, I'm not doing what you're doing. You're providing independent content. Independent content. No, independent is the wrong word. You're providing. Demented content.

You're providing demented unique content. Yes. For your audience to go, hello, I'm on tour. All I'm doing is regurgitating old clips. They're good clips. Sticking them up and going, just a reminder, I'm on tour. This is the kind of thing you could possibly see. None of this is actually going to be in the show.

But this is the kind of thing that could be in the show. It isn't in the show. No. Because I'm not showing you anything that's in the show. No, because the show's new stuff. This is the kind of shit that you could see and you might like it. Well, this is how promotion goes. You've got to get good at it and you are very good at it.

Can I plug a thing? I was just going to talk about my widow's peep, but carry on. You did that. All right, okay. We've done it. I'm going to self-promote. Do it. Oh my God.

Self-promote. Right, spinal tap. I'm in spinal tap. It's out this week, September the 12th. In the cinemas. In the cinemas. Is it the pictures? I can't believe that you.

It's going to be in the cinema. I can't believe it. You're in my cinema. You're in three of my cinemas. I'm in all the local cinemas. You're in all of the cinemas. I can't believe it, Jen. I can't believe it.

You. Me? You. Kerry Godleman are in. You're in Hollywood movie. Spinal tap. The sequel is called The End Continued. That's funny.

The end, because that is funny. That's already funny. That's already funny. It is funny. I haven't seen it. So I don't know. Okay. Well, we're going to just say, I've seen the trailer. I've watched the trailer with you. I've spoken to people that have seen it and they said it's funny. I can't believe it. It wouldn't be funny. It can't not be funny. They look really old. That's my main feedback. That's the main joke. The main joke is that I'm amazed that they did it. Yeah. They didn't look like they were going to finish serving. Probably then of the quality of it that they decided to do it because they're all. They don't need it. They don't need it. And they're all brilliant.

And they've had a... Well, Ryder doesn't need it. He's made his point. He's fully made his point. They've all had incredible careers. Yeah. And they wanted to do it. I can't wait. I'm going to the premiere with you.

Well, the actual premiere is in LA and I'm not going. Whatever, but I'm going to... We're going to go and see it at my local picture house. Sure. I'm going... And that's our premiere. Yeah. I'm going to the premier.

Yeah. I'm going to take a little bit of red carpet and put it on the floor. Let's do that. Yeah. Create our own red carpet. Where are we going to get red carpet from? We could just go to carpet right and say, if you can't Google it, Google it, red carpet. Etsy.

Yeah. We could do that. Maybe we should make sure, well, then that's great. And then we can have photos. And then we'll put them on the red carpet. Yeah. And we won't like, we'll know what to do with our chins and our jaws. You don't know what to do with our chants or our jaws.

We won't blink. We won't smile with our mouth open. We probably will. We've done lots of learning on this pod about how to present. And yet every single time a photograph is taken of either of us, we forget everything we've learned. I'm getting really good. Oh, are you?

my mouth now in pictures. What was the last picture taken of you? It was a picture of you at Mama Mia, the experience. You had your mouth open. No, I shut my mouth. Did you? I had my mouth shut. Oh my God.

Hang on. Go back and look. I've got to have a look. Because when I have my mouth open in a picture, it looks like Kerry's Day Out. So now I shut my mouth. I'm not agreeing with you. I don't think it does look like Kerry's Day Out, but, you know, I feel like some of the things that you say you've learned, I'm not always convinced that you've learned them. I've learned them.

Okay. I can absorb new. Experiences. Mama Mia, the party. I can't believe you did that. Actually, you're right. No, that's the one I'm talking about. That's got a Kerry's day out vibe.

That one. Oh, man. I didn't get that. That's pick number three on the carousel. Check it out. That's not as bad as witch in a pie. It's not as bad as witch in a pie. That's a nice picture.

Number four on the carousel. Check it out on Kerry Goddlyman's Instagram. She went to Abba, the musical mystery. Don't promote that. Promote my. So your tour, my tour, spinal tap, that's having its promotion now. You don't need to go see Mama Me at the party. But Mama Me The Party is we're tying it into Spinal Tap.

Because now when you go to your own personal private. My own private premier that I've got to buy a ticket for at my local picture house. Yeah. Not as private but also open to the public. That will be, and we have our photo taken. Yes. by Chloe. Yeah, Chloe was going to say she's going to do it.

She's going to do it. She's going to do the photo. It won't be perhaps there. We're not going to be kept perhaps. But we, I mean, I certainly want to get, I've got nothing to do with the film. But we will know what to do with our chins. Yep. Angles.

Angles. I think we should do it. Who's going? Who of your mates are going? We should do like our own spinal tap and then you should carousel, photograph it and put it on the internet. Yes. And you know that. As a promotion for the, you're in a Hollywood movie.

Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Jesus fucking Christ. You are good at this.

I'm not good at this. I can't fucking believe I'm having to tell you this. And also, where is all the pictures of you talk? You should every other, you've done one fucking poster. One picture on your Instagram, your Instagram, shit. One picture which is your, which you have taken a photograph of a poster on the tube. And that is the only PRU that you've done. This is appalling.

What should I do? You need to email Rob Reiner immediately and go, Rob. Can you send me some assets, some PR assets that I can use. Not assets. Assets. Is that the jargon? That's the jargon. Assets. So they'll get clips of you in the movie.

Yeah. But they will have assets. I've got rid of Goddeme and assets. I don't think they have. And then you stick them up on the Instagram web. Yeah. And tell everybody, look at me. I'm in a Hollywood movie.

I did post the trailer. This is appalling. I posted the trailer. post it? On my stories. On your stories. Not even on your feed. No. Oh my fucking God. Well, there's no hope for you. I don't know what to do.

The one incentive of being shit at Instagram is to upset you. But you're categorily. I don't know any I don't know a single comedian. British comedian. You do. Apart from maybe James Aicaster. The older ones. No.

Or the older ones. No, no. They, oh, fuck me. They're all on board now. And what? And they're in a Hollywood film, but they wouldn't have that tattoo to their forehead and be like on every single talking about it all the time. I'm talking about it now on our pod. Oh, you've been a periwinkle it out of you. Perry Winkle. Why haven't you mentioned Paul McCartney and Elton John?

Paul McCarty and Netton are in it. Then, then why have, oh my God. You've got pictures of Paul McCartney and Edel. No, I haven't got a picture of Paul McCartney. He doesn't do selfies. Well, just mention him. Yeah. He's in it, isn't he?

He's in it. But you're not in it with him. I didn't have a scene with him. That's terrible. But I did have a scene with Elton John. Yeah, and David. And David Furnish. Yeah, I'm really excited about that.

I can't wait to see the film. I'm going to watch it soon. I'm thrilled. Kerry, who are we talking to this afternoon, evening episode? Or whenever people are streaming it. Whenever. It's not time-bound. It's not.

Today, we're talking to the wonderful Laura Lex. This was so fun. You know, I don't know Laura as well as you. You and Laura, like, you've gigs together a lot, haven't you? Over the years we have, but do you know what? This year in particular, we have done two lots of gigs where we really bonded and we really hung out and had such a laugh. She's great. We did like a whole tour around the Highlands.

Yes. We had such a laugh. Me, Laura and Sarah Barron and we just, yeah, it was so much fun. Oh, that's a good gang. That's a really good gang. She's great. I love talking to her. I love talking to Laura.

Loads of and loads of stories and the Lapland one really got me. Lapland? Lapland? Lapland. Lapland. Anyway, here we go. This is Laura. Laura Lex.

Oh God, I haven't got my fucking glasses. Hang on. Oh, I'm so happy with my new glasses. I was going to say, have they new glasses? Yes, I did. I just jumped ahead. Thank you. I want you to say.

They're nice guys. I really like them. I really like them. The nice shape, aren't they, Kerry? Yep. Nice colour, actually. Thank you. I've also got another pair of the same in green.

Oh, I don't know about green. Light green. I don't know about green. Okay. Well, listen, let's bring green in next time, and I'll tell you how I feel about it. Would you like my feedback? You know it'll be positive. Okay, you know it'll be honest.

Don't want honest. I just want lies and falseness and veneer and coats. I don't want authenticity and honesty and transparency. What are you getting from this friendship? Okay, let's have a look at your photos, Laura. Thank you also for coming I know you're just back from the Berg We don't like to talk about Edinburgh

But let's talk about it very briefly How was it? We could reframe how we talk about it We're going to reframe it Because you did it in a clever way Which was that you didn't go up for the whole month Well done No, I've called it my victory lap

Because it's a show I've already toured The only thing I've got left to do now is film it So I sort of went I'm going to take it to Edinburgh To just do it for 10 days straight To warm it up properly re-remember it, make it tight and I just didn't care.

Cabaret Voltaire with Monkey Barrel. Nice, nice. Nice. So it was just like, I just didn't care. And because I haven't been for six years, I didn't know anybody. Because all the Edinburgh comedians that I don't see on the circuit, like I don't know where they are

the rest of the year. They're doing a different circuit. Where are all the comedians? I don't know. Podcasting. Yeah. That's where we are. They're on TikTok and I'm not there.

So I just didn't know who anybody was. So it didn't tick that like, I have to communicate. compete and keep up vibe. I just went, well, this is a baby. And I can't play with the babies. I don't know the babies. Yeah, yeah. So they can have a lovely time and I'll be over here. It's quite liberating. It was lovely, yeah. Whether it's a pair of running shoes or a new car, you check how well something performs before you buy it. Why should investing be any different? At Fidelity, we get that performance matters

most. With sound financial advice and quality investment products, we're here to help with accelerating your dreams. Chat with your advisor or visit Fidelity.ca. slash performance to learn more. Commission's fees and expenses may apply. Read the funds or ETF's prospectus before investing. Funds and ETFs are not guaranteed. Their values change and past performance may not be repeated.

Peramount. Check out the big stars, big series, and blockbuster movies. Streaming on Paramount Plus. Cue the music. Like NCIS, Tony and Ziva. We'd like to make up your own rules. Tulsa King. We want to take out the country.

The substance. This balance is not working. And the naked gun. That was awesome. Now that's a mountain of entertainment. Paramount Wolf. You know what's better than the one big thing? Two big things.

Exactly. The new iPhone 17 Pro on Tullis' five-year rate plan price lock. Yep, it's the most powerful iPhone ever, plus more peace of mind with your bill over five years. This is big. Get the new iPhone 17 Pro at tellus.com slash iPhone 17 Pro on select plans. Conditions and exclusions apply. Right, Laura, let's have a look at your photos.

I'm going to go to your first one. I'm assuming is this one on the sofa. Is that correct? Oh, what a pleasing dog. Oh, yes. Okay, you've got the dogs and the... Are they in order? I don't know.

Do you have an order prefer? No, we can do it in any order, really. Oh, I thought... It's all happy. I thought this one... Is this one your children? Do you want the... earliest one.

Yeah. Chronological. So chronological would be me and my siblings on a sofa. Yeah, that's the one. That's, I'm the one on the far right there politically. What? Right over there with the EDL. Yeah, that's me.

Is that your sister that I met, snuggled next to you? My little blonde sister. Yes, she was in New Zealand with us. So that's my little Maggie. Did you grow up in New Zealand? No, we were just out there in New Zealand. But I'm there in Scotland. Oh yeah, of course.

Because we did those fun gigs in Scotland. That's right. Yeah, so she lives in Scotland. Right. But she was in, I took her to New Zealand with me this year. So who are all these kids on this sofa and where is this? That's, we're in Somerset. So we grew up.

Just outside Taunton. Look at that sofa. My parents still live in this house. Really? Yeah. Do they still have that sofa? No, thank. Oh my God.

It's horrible. That sofa, so busy. And we had a sofa like that where you're like, I don't know what you would get to match that sofa. No. Nothing. But it does hide a stain. It does hide a stain.

Well, that's what my mum said. It hides a stain. And then we had brown carpets. Oh. Because they hide a stain. Yeah. That was the times. And were you all close growing up?

You're all close in age, aren't you? Well, we sort of up. My brother's a bit younger. So my brother's 10 years younger than me. And then my little sister's five years. So she's midway between the two. So me and my sister, older sister, are really close in age. We're like two and a bit of years apart.

And so we were sort of like the older two and the younger two. Yes. So we kind of. I've known that's a family dynamics. Yeah. We did a lot of, not a lot of charquettes. Not like we were, but we were, it was the 90s. But, you know, we were the responsible grown-up kids.

And then there were the little ones. And there was that slight. But now we're older. There's no gap. We're incredibly close. Now we're older. Really? Yeah, like really close.

Like we, I would don't go a day without talking to all four, all three of them. Wow. Yeah. That's a good advent for a big family. Like you're the Waltons. You're the Waltons. Yeah. I think, yeah, we've really united.

in a like joint what the fuck were my parents doing. I love it. Like, do you know what? Do you suddenly go, do you remember this happening? Yeah, what was that? Don't know, let's not think about it. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The four of you become very tight. Like little clan. Yeah, because I do a podcast with my little brother now because my brother. I was going to say you do a science podcast, don't you? Yeah, well, because he, so he's nine and a half years younger than me or 10 years younger than me. So I left home when he was eight and I moved from Somerset to Kent. So I didn't, I wasn't. there for a lot of his childhood.

So then when he, and he moved to London to go to uni, and then it was first time I'd had like one of my siblings in the southeast because they all stayed southwest and sort of everybody stayed there and I was the only one that left. And then when my brother left too, I like had somebody here. And then he did move to Brighton for a little bit. And it was amazing. And then the little bastard moved to Brussels.

And I was so angry with him for moving away. And made him start a podcast with me. so that he would have to speak to me every week. And I was like, that's quite, I mean, it's awful. You're going to extreme lengths there. Yeah. Who's producing it?

Me. Oh my God. I just, it doesn't, it loses so much money every week, but I make him. I do even put out. So many relationships hang on a podcast. Ask us. Yeah, friendship hangs on a podcast. Like, wouldn't speak to you.

Nah. Otherwise, weeks go by. Weeks go by. And you, you don't realize you're having. spoken to someone and then you go like oh god it's actually been a month and I haven't spoken to you let's sit up a podcast yeah let's do how do you feel about teaching me do you see us see science every week for three years so that's his background science yeah so he studied molecular oh my god something or not you don't bother the shutters have come down I was watching

we've we've tapped out already but that's I've honestly been trying to learn it for three years and I still can't remember what his degree so what does he do you know now he doesn't do anything to do with science but we decided on that because Because I think he was so young when I started doing comedy. So I started doing comedy when I was 20 or 21. So he was 12. So his whole of his secondary school, he had an older sister who lived in London. That did stand up.

Right. So when you're 12, that's quite cool. Yeah, yeah. So then by the time he was like 17 and could get on a bus, like he'd get the coach to London and I'd like meet him and he'd come and stay with me. And so he was just immersed in stand up. Really? I remember taking him to the Camden head

and him watching Daniel Simonson and he must have been about 16, 15. And do you remember Daniel's bit about having a concave chest and like how he was symbiotic with pigeons because they had sticky out your chest and it was just this mad bit. So Ron, my brother, he's been like immersed in like grassroots comedy since he was little.

And he just loved it. He loves it. But then, so we decided for the format of the podcast. We were like, why don't we do your passion? because my passion and my world is so a part of your world anyway. And then when he wants to talk about an article he's seen about like a science development, I'm like, oh, good, mate. I have no idea.

So we were like, let's try and do your passion. So what did your mum do and where did they meet? So she, they met because she's got three older brothers. And the story goes, Uncle Jeremy was having a party, bumped into my dad and went they knew each other from something and invited my dad to the party and that's how they met.

How old were they quite young? Mom was 14. Dad was 21. They did not get together. I do not want to besper to my dad's reputation. They did not get together. Different times. But I think my mum went,

oh my God, I love you and has loved him since that day. Oh, well. But they didn't get together until mum was 21, I think. So it's quite romantic. It sounds like a romantic story. Yeah. And four kids and Somerset.

Four kids later, yeah. Somerset must be a nice place to grow up. I think so. Taunton. No. Really? It's a bit shabby these days. So you went to Kent?

Yeah, I went to Canterbury, yeah. To uni. Yeah. And stayed in that area or? No, I left straight away. Well, I went, I went to Lapland for a little bit. I had my first job at uni. I was an elf.

Wait. Stop. Lapland picture. No, I could have, I really wanted to find one, but I didn't plan. I thought it was a made up place. Is that Finland? It's where the three bits of Sk Skis of Scotland. Scandinavia, Norway, Sweden and...

Finland? Where they... What I'm saying it like... Finland or Finland? Lapland. Finland? I've got... Do you remember in Grange Hill?

I only want to help you, Roland. Roland? That's why I say. Finland. Iceland. I only want to help you, Roland. It's the only way I can... That is the most 80s reference that...

Literally anyone under the age of 50 will not get... But you know when you have little short hand with your partner, me and Benz, I only want to help you, my land. When he won't let me help him, I go, I only want to help you, Roman. That's why I say Finland. I think I would say Lapland and Iceland, but Finland. Why do? I don't know. Anyway, what took you to Lapland?

Would you say England? No, no. I'm going to start saying England, England. Scotchland, England. You can't say Scotchland. I'm going to get stabbed in the arm. No one can stop me. Please start saying Wales.

Walesland as well. Welsh land. Walesland, England and Scotland. My friend Rosie, who is just the love of my life, she found this really mad job in, you know, those like Santa Meet Santa holidays. Oh, this is sounding like a David Sederer essay. You went, was like in a kind of Truman show world where you were dressed up. And I was an elf. Oh my God.

You were an elf in Lapland. And you didn't offer it as a picture? I couldn't find a picture. I feel like this could. have easily passed this by. Yeah, we could, I know. It's so weird though, isn't it? Like, because it's being willfully zany to go like,

I was actually an elf in Lopland. Why would you not want to be willfully zany when you're a comedian? And also, these are the anecdotes we want on the podcast. Because anything that's vaguely interesting. I will not do willful zayy. No, I just want to be normal, thank you.

None of it's willful, it's all an accident. It was such a mad job, though, because these kids, they get flown out and obviously like they're meeting Santa. But it's minus 30 degrees. So us elves, we're wearing snow suits with felt. So we're the biggest marshmallow elves you've ever seen in your life. And we just had to like scamp her in the snow. What did she do?

Just play in the snow. And then when a skidoo came out with a family, we'd have to be like, oh no, children have found us. And then you'd have to like sneakily get the note off the skidoo driver and get it into Santa while two of the other elves distracted the kid. And then so when the kid went into the lodge, Santa would be like, hello, Jen. Oh my God, I'm already.

Look at her. She's ecstatic. She's not about that then. She got good. Hello, do you know me? Kurt Russell knows my name. What would you say is your next picture? We should try and stick to the pictures.

Chronologically then, where do we go next? We've got two of your lovely dog. Yeah. And one of your child. The next one chronologically is probably the London Palladium one. Okay. Because that is Tom, my husband, performing on live at the Palladium.

and just I was just so proud of him and he's is he a comedian as well he yeah he's in the noise next door right with them the improv group yes you have

you have you have I haven't I know my life all right you haven't you haven't been at all my gigs and that I wasn't a gig with him so yeah he's in an improv group

and yeah just going to swatch him like you know when you just see the person you love in their element yeah and it's so sexy

And you're just like, because you see them, you see each other being so shitty with each other and drudgery. And then when you see them like, look at this packed theatre thinking you're brilliant. You're like, fuck yeah. So did you meet him at uni and then. But just, you were just mates in uni? We were just mates at uni. And then there was an Edinburgh where I text everyone of the noise ex-door and went, does anybody fancy meeting up? Like, because I used to improv with them at uni.

and Tom said yes so we got worried something happened between that text and the wedding we sort of spent a fringe having sex and then when we got back down south he ghosted me and we didn't really talk to each other and then we got back to the fringe next year and we were like well this was quite fun last year should we just shag for another fringe

very forgiving for a year of ghosted you I would have like yeah but fringe in it you need to do something you've got to feel the time and I was like I already know he's quite close clean and nice. So that'll work. I don't want to find another one. And then, yeah, it just didn't fizzle after that year.

And so we just ended up together. I think we liked each other, but he was quite commitment-y. And, like, you know, he was in a five-piece improv group. Why would he want a partner that was also in comedy? Like, it's hard juggling those schedules. And we didn't live in the same city. And he was just a bit commitment-y, like, but then... You ground him down.

Yeah, I persuaded him. I've got lovely tits I've got lovely tits and they eventually I know you don't want to come out with me but look at these! Yeah! Where are you going to find better than these mate?

And I'm also very funny. And yeah, so... What was your wedding like? When did you get married? 2015, we were in Somerset in a field, in a marquee. It was really nice. We were like the first one of our friendship group

to get married which I'm so grateful for now because we could do it really budget. And then from the year after that like people were getting castles in Ireland. And then like literally two weeks ago we just went for a four-day extravaganza in Italy

in a converted village outside Rome. And I'm like, thank fuck we got married when nobody expected this level of Yeah, yeah. It's interesting, isn't it? I like those ones the best though. Yeah, I loved it. Or the budget ones. No, I don't want the holiday ones. No. I don't want to go on holiday for your

fucking wedding. I'd happily go on holiday for a wedding at this stage. Oh, I would now. Now you would because your kids are older. Not when you've got no money and you've got in your kids a young. I'm like, oh, do you want to go to like Naples for three days. No, mate. Can't you just do it in my people are bothering to get married

in the modern world? Do you know what? So many people aren't. Like me? Yeah, I was going to say. Could you get married and have a big foreign... Could I get married? Can you?

For you to have a holiday? Yeah, that's a bit extreme, Kerry. Yeah, come on, John. Go to Spain and have a big one in Spain. I'm sure we'll get married. We will and I will let you know, Kerry. Thank you. So, you guys have been together.

Also, didn't you do like a, recently? Did you do something about your vows recently? Oh, it's just our 10 year wedding anniversary recently. Did you renew your vows? No. No, I watch enough real housewives to know that that is, that's the death sentence. Oh, is it? Ironically. If you watch Real Housewives,

every single time they renew their vows, the relationship's over by the next season. You don't renew your vows unless something come very wrong. In my experience of rent... Oh, so is renewing your vows is, he cheated on me. Yeah, it's basically like, we'll renew our vows and then we'll get divorced.

Right, okay. It's... Yeah, it doesn't go well. So I just, what's the point really in renewing the vows? So you had a 10-year due? We just had a party, yeah. We were at, you know, a shelter hall on Brighton Seafront. Yeah, of course. We hired that and just had a party. It was really nice.

I was so drunk. I was so drunk that the first taxi that we were supposed to get home saw me and cancelled the booking and left. And we had to get another one. That's the measure of a good night when a cabbie drives on. No, thank you. Jog on, mate. I'm too fucked. I don't.

You're going to throw up full shizzle. Bye-bye. Yeah, it's nice. So is this, tell me about this dog. Okay, so next one. Tell me about this dog. Because this dog features in two pictures. Well, one of them, she's in there, but really it's the knitted things because that was my lockdown madness.

Oh, right. Let's go to madness. This is she's banana bread out of the park. Yes, this picture. Is this crocheted? No, it's knitted. I've knitted. I lost my mind.

Even the dog's like, what's going on with you, babe? Yeah, the dog was like, Jesus. you have to stop. You have to stop. I genuinely think these are amazing. I knitted so much stuff. The dinosaur is a lizard? That's a crocodile that one I think.

Those teeth are big though, aren't they? They're frills basically. This is real skills, man. I couldn't knit at the beginning of lockdown and I knitted so much stuff. Like I can now knit full jumpers because I just needed to do something with my hands that wasn't scrolling on my phone. And so I was like, I was going mad because lockdown and I couldn't gig and I need to gig.

Like I get twitchy if I go more than three or four days without gigging. And it was killing me. And so I was then doom scrolling into oblivion and I was like, no, you need something that you can watch TV or like relax so you're not pacing around and driving Tom Mard. But occupies your hands. So I took up knitting. And it was like. Changed your life. Yeah.

Crafting. Well, obviously now I've completely lost interest. in it and I had like £400 worth of wool in the attic that I can't be bobby with. Maybe. You might. There'll be another pandemic, wouldn't there? There will be this bounce bit. We're just holding our breath into the next one.

Yeah. But as lockdown hobbies go, I genuinely am impressed by that. Thanks. What's your lockdown hobby? Embroidery. But embroidery wasn't that skilled. It was just colouring in with cotton. You don't mean, you're just colouring in.

Did you work? Like, were you in... I was just doing those hoop things and flowers. Yeah. Lots of that kind of... I've done cross-stitch. I've never done the, like, because that's like long stitchers. Yeah, I didn't like that. I'm not

brilliant at it, but I did get quite into it. That is a real skill. It's soothing though, because actually what it is, is it's following a pattern and it's actually, it's very mechanical. And I think I quite like simple mechanical jobs because it like soothes that raggedy bit of your

brain. It's that mindfulness that it kind of gets you. Yeah. It's almost like, I guess that's why a lot people, you know, in the old days people used to pray isn't it? Because it kind of gets you your mind ritual. Yeah. You're just Shrinking to ritual, yeah, and repeated. I quite like jobs like reconciling, like, my bank feed on the online tax thingy.

Do you want to do my mind? Because it's so simple and it is just literally like, yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, yes, no. This is crafting, that's a form. But then it's, but it's the same thing. It's like pattern repetition. Oh, no, I'd want to do crafting. I find simple pattern repetition, like really soothing because it's not. What about music?

Can you play a musical instrument? No, I'm terrible musically. What was your lockdown hobby? I thought what did I do shaved all my hair off that's not a hobby one by one though literally did it

it was a blade of hair at time her head she plucked my head like one of those parrots that's lost their owner she had bouncing 47 hairs today yep I had a bleeding scalp for a long time

I can't remember what I did you had kids in the lockdown though it's harder to get my children so you didn't have kids in the lockdown I did well I was doing a bloody homeschool. You were homeschooling.

I was homeschooling and having a breakdown. And when I wasn't homeschooling, I swam, I went sea swimming every day. I went sea swimming almost every single day during lockdown. Didn't matter how cold it was. I went and I threw myself in the sea. And that's what I did. So the dog, when did the dog?

Who's the dog? The dog, this is Mackie. This is my baby. You love this dog so much I've never heard you talk about Not your husband not your daughter With as much love as your dog So I think because Mackie we got her in 2020

Just in time No in the middle of it in the summer She's a lockdown dog We moved how So we had put down a deposit on our first house February 2020 Then obviously March 2020 We lost all of our income

Then I managed to get that clock book deal so we had enough money to go ahead with the house purchase. So we did move house. We moved house in May 2020. And then Mackey was born in June. So we had her by August. So I had like we were big year. Big year and saved really by moving house because it broke it up.

So because we did the first bit of lockdown in a little flat going a bit mad. But then we moved house in the May. So we had a garden suddenly and a change of scenery. And yeah, you're working. I came out of house and enjoying having our house for the first time. And I was writing the book. And so we were busy. But then, like, yeah, we moved house.

And I immediately, like, there was a puppy born two doors down, basically. And I was like, we're getting that dog. And Tom was like, I thought we'd wait a little bit. And I was like, then you've misunderstood why I've moved to a house with a garden. We're getting a dog. And there's one two doors down. Oh, it was like literally like walking distance from our house. And I found an ad online.

You manifested that dog. Yeah. And they didn't even know their dog was pregnant. she was like too old to be having puppies and they just literally woke up one morning there were two puppies in their living room and they were like, how has this happened? Oh my God, they didn't even know she was pregnant.

No, because she was 11. She was way too old to be having puppies. And they probably just thought, she looks like she could have been there. My dog's 11. Oh yeah, they didn't. She hadn't had a litter for a couple of years and they were like, oh, she's obviously like done menopause

or whatever, the dog menopause. Oh, that's here all week. And then yeah, they just had two puppies. So we met Mackey when she was four weeks old She was tiny She was like about the size of the palm of your hand And then we got her She has got a great face

She's got a great face And she's tiny So she's about half the size You'd expect a Jack Russell being Well I can see her in proximity to some knitting friends Yeah Well we've got a new dog now She's four months old and she's already bigger than Mackey

She's Jack Russell then Mackey is yeah She's gorgeous I love Jack Russell Hasn't really just got a Zach Russell A Jack Russell Oh you're right yeah I think she has

They're cute They're just so stubborn and sassy. They're quite yappy, aren't they? She is in our house. She doesn't make a noise out of the house, but she guards our house. Right. But the reason we wanted to Jack Russell was my little sister has one. And we were looking after her once.

And I said, like, oh, Ness, it's time for bed now. And this dog looked at me and, like, stood up. And then she, it was like a comedy sketch. She, like, yawned and stretched her front legs. And then looked at me and I had bedtime. And then she looked at me and then stretched each one. back leg, like really slowly, and then walked so slowly across the living room to her bed because she didn't want to go to bed.

And I was like, this, if you put this in a sitcom, it would be too far because it's ridiculous. But this look from this dog like, I'll decide when my bed is. This is amazing. We're going on to these. And then one was born, two doors down. Yeah. Perfect breed. So we just got her.

And now she's just this little, she stinks of fish all the time. What that you? You had to sit with my dog the other day Oh, I couldn't bear it. I said push her away then But you were like, no, it's her house It is. I was sitting on her sofa.

It's very sweet. It's her house, I don't feel comfortable with it. Push her off. I felt bad. She's old as well. She's grey. Oh, I love it when they start getting grey around the mouth. Yeah.

And, oh God, she yawned and I nearly passed out. Yeah, it was too much. And then she was farting. Yeah, she parts. I really got it in common with that dog. It's hockey season, and you can get anything you need delivered with Uber Eats. Well, almost, almost anything. So no, you can't get a nice rink on Uber Eats.

But iced tea, ice cream, or just plain old ice? Yes, we deliver those. Goaltenders, no, but chicken tenders, yes. Because those are groceries, and we deliver those too, along with your favorite restaurant food, alcohol, and other everyday essentials. Order Uber Eats now. For alcohol, you must be legal drinking age. Please enjoy responsibly.

Product availability varies by region. See app for details. Tim's new Cravable Raps are made for the times your boss said the what now? Or your teacher mentions that thingamab. Need to pick me up? Snack back to reality with Tim's new craveable wraps available in Chipotle or ranch. Plus tax at participating restaurants in Canada for a limited time. The next photo, the one with the horse, I think this is one of the greatest photographs ever taken.

Oh, look. She's hugging the horse. She's hugging a horse. My dog loves horses And if you zoom in She's like lying on a grassy knoll She's got her eyes closed Because of how much she's enjoying

This embrace with the horse She's clasping the horse's nose Between her arms, front legs And the horse is nuzzling her tummy And you can just about see the lead Which is pulled torque Because I'm like Is this horse going to eat my dog

How does this work? Is this I'm like ready to yank her out But this dog has such a lot an affinity with horses. She loves them. Because they're also because she, she's not a big dog. She's tiny. She's less than five kilograms this dog.

That is, well, horses are huge. Yeah. She should be scared of it. She should be, but she will do anything to get to a horse. That is joy. And I just think, that is joy. That is joy. I want an oil painting of this dog.

You need to make that. Lying on a grassy knoll. Next pandemic. That's your next hobby. Oils. And I think the horse looks happy. Look, the horse has got its eyes half closed as in like, oh, also in reverie.

Because I just think with Mackie, so we got her 20-20, so we must have been, I don't even know where we were in the chain of having a kid at this point. And Mackey was my little baby. And then at six months old, she started hopping. She stopped using her leg. So we got a leg fixed. It's very common thing in Terriers, but she basically had a necrotic limb thing, got it fixed. And then almost a year to the day later, she got attacked by another dog so severely that it punctured her lungs.

without breaking the skin. She's really submissive, so she lies on her back for everything. This dog went for her lying on her back, like bit round her rib cage, and his teeth went between her lungs. And she looked fine because she wasn't bleeding at all, because she was covered in mud. So I got her home, and we put her in the bath to clean her. And then she was, like, inflating. And we thought it was bruising.

It's not funny. But we thought it was bruising. So we took her to the vet, and they were like, no, her lungs are leaking air into her body. like she's literally inflating like a balloon. So then we took her to, like they put this compression thing on there. They were like, we'll try and just like mesh the lung tissue back together. And they phone this next morning and they were like, there's nothing we can do. Like it's not working unless you can get her to a specialist hospital.

And I was like, I'm not letting go with this dog. Because I felt so guilty because obviously like I should have had better control of her and blah blah. So we spent 11,000 pounds getting a dog back to life, which I'm so grateful it happened before we had a kid. because now I don't think we could spend that money. Like we, you know, went into debt and like did all this stuff because we were just like, we just had to. We had to. And we had insurance.

This was 11 grand on top of the four grand insurance that we had. So much money. It was so much money. Like it's when you go, thank God for a health service that you don't pay for at the point of use. Like you're like quietly paying for it through your whole life. So when this stuff happened. But you don't have that for animal care. But you can't look at this little baby and go, no, it's not worth the money.

money. So we spent the money and so she's just my little, and she's such a nervy little shadow glue dog, you know, like she's, she's so stuck to me. She's just my little crazy. She is now for 11 grand. You would stick her literally to you. Yeah, they'll crow her. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I'm so, I had no idea that happened to her. That's awful. And I don't know that. I mean, like, you know, you never think about that when you have a dog that's small that, you know, that it might get attacked by a bigger dog and how you have to like keep sometimes keep your dog on a lead just for their safety absolutely like now her recall i think it was partly my fault as an owner because she her recall wasn't perfect yet so i probably shouldn't have had her off the lead at all and she

bolted to say hi to this dog i feel awful molly's recalls dreadful she could be across the part and i'll call her and she'll be like well but that's the thing like a 99 times out of 100 it's fine and then we just got unlucky that one time that it's just bad love it's just bad love it's just bad love it's What happened to that other dog? Did you kick it in the head? No, I didn't do anything. I just, I sort of dealt with the owner a bit. The owner was so lovely.

Like, because I was just like, sorry about this. I'll take my dog and she was like, no, you need my number. We need to stay in contact. I need to like, blah, blah, blah. So she wasn't in a position to help with the bills. And I was like, I'm not going to try bankrupt somebody. And I didn't want the dog putting down because I was like, I don't know. That's not going to get this anywhere.

So we just had an agreement that that dog would be mussel. from now on on walks and I was like I think that's the fairest solution to everybody is tricky Yeah I don't know You don't know what to do

If you're not really a dog expert Yeah You just got a dog in lockdown And blah blah blah You're learning on the job And we've made some stupid mistakes We went away one weekend

And our friend Manginda had the dog And then she texted me on the Sunday And went You didn't say Molly had a Violent streak And I went oh shit Because Molly does have this weird

thing where she can just turn on smaller, young, little white, fluffy. Right. She just turned. So whenever we see one of those dogs, we put her on her lead. Right. I hadn't kind of relayed all this to Manginda. They'd got on a picnic with a group of people and she'd gone.

And it was like, oh God, I just, I hadn't been clear and we were all a bit laid back. And Molly's an easy dog. And Molly's a shitting ornament. They're our cat phrases for Molly. So it's like, I never, I forget that she's got this. rogue because we're not really dog people you know I know we're meant to be and because of the second nature you just put the lead on and carry with your walk

chatting or podcast or whatever you don't think about it because I think Mackie oh she's super easy and then I'm like oh no she's not she's allergic to most meat she has she hops all the time but I don't think about her back leg because I'm just like well she just hops sometimes that's you're going to get one of those prams aren't you you're going to get a dog pram oh do you know what when we first had the kid and all she wanted to do was walk and be independent but Mackey doesn't like the rain So there were so many walks where my toddler was like out in the rain, tramping about.

And the dog was in the buggy under the rain. And you're getting these looks like, oh. They're both happier in this situation. Trust me, trust me. Like this is happier for everybody involved. My next picture does have the kid in it. I do love her as much as the dog. Oh, she's so beautiful, your daughter.

She is. So this is her. This was like one of those epic days where my much-awaited kid was helping me unpack my book. Your much-awaited book. Like my book that had been published. And so, and she was like helping me undo the box. So we, my kid, well, she's three and a half now. But so she must be about one and a bit, I think, in this picture.

That's thrilling. And she's just such a little miracle. because we had a massive journey to having a kid so it took about six years for us to finally have a kid. And then she's just this absolute raging ball of kid. You know? How is she now? She's three and a half now.

Yeah, well then she's a raging ball of three and a half. Yeah. But I love it now. Like I have to be totally honest, like I was so out of my depth. Like if I was out of my depth with a dog, the kid threw me. And I didn't really start enjoying it until, She was about two, maybe two and a half. And I felt awful for that because, you know when you're a comedian.

So I've wanged on in several Edinburgh hours about how desperate I am for a kid and all this. Yeah. You know. And then she arrived and I went, I don't like this. I don't know. It's hard. She's amazing. But I just was like.

It's hard. But as soon as she was verbal, I was like, oh, I'm happy now. I can do this now. Yeah, yeah. I didn't get it when she was. Because they're so like. confrontational. She'd just stand there and stare at me and not do what I'd asked her to do and I didn't know how to persuade her. Yeah, yeah. And it just felt... And you can't reason with her.

No. And it felt... It felt like she was defiant. Of course, she wasn't. She was just one and didn't... Yeah. They're all like that. They're just babies, but I just wasn't very good at it for ages. But I think that guilt about feeling that, you know, so many women, they say sometimes that's even, you know, depression or the guilt of not being unnatural or whatever or those sort of who most women struggle with that. 100%. You know, it's not easy. Babies are not easy.

And no one is a natural. It's just not for everyone. And it takes a long time to some people do, but a lot of us don't, you know. Yeah. And I think there are a lot more that don't, you know. And then the guilt. And then you cover up the guilt and you feel bad. And you're not grateful to be at mom and blah, blah, blah.

And it's complicated. And then I think like I would explode and be really bad. And then I'd be like, oh, no, no, I've got to be nice. And then I'd be like, I think this is abusive behavior. I think I'm like, I get really angry. And then I try and like love bomb to like sort it out. And then you're like, so if I mean to her, do I then just not be nice to her afterwards to like not be like. And I just couldn't get my head around it.

But she, I saw like a perfect like post on the internet. about it the other day with somebody saying like, I don't want more babies. I want the time, I want those beginning years back with the babies I've already got to do it again. Now I know what I know. And I was like, that's exactly how I feel. I'd love to do her first couple of years again without being in that like questioning black hole. Yeah. I'd never go back for all the day. I'd never go back. No, it's so it's too hard. It's not one to do twice. It's really hard, isn't it? You're sleep deprived. You're highly emotional. You know, they're babies and you're just navigating this new life

and it's just, you know, and all the things, like you said, you say all these things before you do it and you're going to be like, I'll be this and I'll be that and I'll be that. And then it hits you and you're like, I'm none of that. I can't cope. I was, I'm not patient and I sort of knew I wasn't patient. But then like, I didn't know my impression. I was like, I'm really patient with the dog.

So I thought I'd be patient with a baby. And then I was like, no, this is totally different. And I remember saying to my mum like, oh, I'm really surprised at how angry she makes me. Like this is, and I don't get angry. And she went, well, you get angry with me. And I was like, oh, yeah, you and the baby are the only things that really annoy me. And there are no.

Very, very much. Yeah, well, that's the thing. Like, they're the people that get under my skin because they, you know, I don't know. And just, but like, and especially with this career, because you have always got that voice in the back of your head going, don't take too long off. Get back to it. Like, be relevant. Find something to post or stay in the first. feed or the mix or the gigs. Because I remember we had we had her on the Monday and I gigged

on the Sunday big Stephen Grant message and was like you're not available to come and do a bit of warm up for Rommash at like this little Ron wanted to run some new material and I said to Tom was like can I go please I need to leave this house. Which is local as well. Yeah it was like two minutes down the road and I went and did a gig and I remember sitting in that green room I must have looked like a little rabbit just being like the real. world is still here outside of that house that has turned into a place I don't recognize and is on a timetable I don't recognize and is just not home anymore because it's all about her, not my sanctuary, which obviously, I don't mean this to sound selfish, but your world

and escape vanishes because it's theirs now. And like all my coping strategies for not being an emotional wreck, I'm a retreater. Like, I will get overwhelmed and then go, I'm just going to go away for a minute. And you can't do that with a toddler because they follow you crying. Yeah, they follow you everywhere. They follow you into the toilet. Touching me. Yeah, yeah.

I need to go and regulate, but you can't regulate. We're in that bit at the moment where you know where a conversation and you go, I've made a mistake. I need to reverse back out of this conversation. We were driving home the other day. And she said, can I drive one day? And I said, yeah, when you're 17, you can drive. So why do I have to be 17?

And I said, well, that's the law. And she said, what's the law? And I was like, oh, God. Here we go. I was like, well, it's a rule that the king and the government make up for grown-ups. And if you break the law, you have to go to prison. And then she said, and if I go to prison, I will never see you again. And then I was like, oh, God, is this the start of nightmares?

I was like, well, you won't go to prison, love. And Paddington went to prison. And I will pull the king's t-shirt and then he will send me to prison. And I'm like, right, okay, somebody's pulled a t-shirt and nursery. Now that's the biggest crime you can commit in three-year-old world. And I will never see you and Daddy again. and in prison everything is pink and Paddington is this

and all I want I will tell the king well the king won't be in prison darling I will tell the king you're never going to meet the king sweetheart I will tell the king I should be and you're like I should never ever have set you can just drive the car next time

I will just let you drive home in nursery Laura I love it you're reasoning with them I've literally and they're correcting reasoned with my sons ever I will tell the king yes you will go along with it oh god yeah

I just go with it I never, the path of least resistance is my parenting. It's like, yeah, you tell the king. I don't know. I end up in these, like, lunacy conversations with her, where we're just like, we're so, and Tom will walk in the living room and I'm like, babe, I don't know what I've done, but I've talked us into an absolute problem here. You should join her.

Wherever she's going, go with her. We had a death in the family a little while ago. And we weren't going to tell her what had happened because he was older. And we were like, we'll just see if she misses him, like, if she noticed is he's not around. and then someone else in the family told her about it and she then was talking about death and stuff and asking us loads of questions and then we just had this morning

where she normally wakes us up and going the sun's up like on our little clock thing and she just works up going Daddy I'm not your best friend anymore and we were like oh okay why she went because great grandpa is dead that's how she's protested that right it's not actually daddy's fault

not fair to daddy it was his grandpa that died but now he's lost too of you in one session. And I just, I find the processing. I think that's why I love it so much now. She's verbal and chatty because I like watching all these like little bricks go down. Yeah, and their brains whirring away. Yeah.

And how like, because then when she was talking about Paddington going to prison and I was like, well, actually, and she was like, well, Paddington's bad because he did stealing. And I was like, well, he was actually falsely accused of stealing. Like he didn't do the stealing. He was running away and then he went in a police car and I was like, yeah. But he hadn't actually stolen it, had he? Like maybe I'm too pedaling. Maybe that's the problem.

Yeah, you're too literal. Yeah. We were out one day with a family friend years ago and they were going to get ice creams. And the dad said to his stepdaughter, they might not have the flavor you want. And she had a meltdown. And I was like, why did she do that? They said, what did you do that? He said, but I have to prepare her for it.

I'm like, you're approaching this with way too much pedantry and rational. Just free form, mate. Let her work it out. Yeah, and she'll get there and then she'll figure out the other ice cream that she wants if she doesn't get the one that... He said I needed to prepare her

and I was like, we have got very different parenting styles. No, I'm not preparing them. Not preparing them. Don't contradict them. Don't have them. I just saw, I don't give me a...

You need to move to the end and I was like, right, round that up, don't have children. That's the conclusion. We all love our kids. Okay. So tell us about your book well before you.

Tell us about your book, your podcast and the name of your show so they can look out for your special. Yes, so the rundown. So Slinky will be out on YouTube at some point in 2025. We're filming it this September. Actually, if this is going out this week, you could still come to that recording. It's the 18th of September at the Forge in Brighton. My podcast is Lex Education. That's the one of my brother, the science one.

You won't learn any science. But if you like siblings arguing, it's lovely escapism. That's a great idea. And siblings arguing podcast. Basically, my brother's not a comedian. So he's just a normal. It's lovely. Then the Comedy Bureau launches on the 25th of September.

If you're interested in, like our first episode is who was the first stand-up comedian. And Ollie, my academic lecturer friend, he pitches five people who could potentially be perceived as the first stand-up comedian. And we work through that list and like look at how stand-up developed. If that sort of thing, interesting, that starts the 25th September. My books are Clop actually, which is. Very hard to describe, but it is a diary of an anxious woman having sex with Juergen Klop to feel better. That is niche. My other book is Pivot, which is the story of a woman whose life catastrophically falls apart, and so she starts a netball team.

And they're novels? Klop actually is like a toilet book, but not in a derogatory way. They have asked me to stop describing it as that. But that's what it is. That's what it is. It's one of those books that's by the toilet. It's a toilet book. And you read a little chapter or a paragraph and you go, that was funny.

And then the next poo, you read another thing. That's what it is. And I find no shame in that. That's what it is. But Pivot is a novel. Pivot is a TV idea I had. I pitched it. It's a netball team.

So my main character, Jackie, she's 65. She comes home and her husband's leaving her. And she's like, I'm sorry, what? We've just done our entire lives together. We're just at the point where we're supposed to be having a good time and you leaving me. So she ends up through farcical means starting a netball team with a load of other women. in the town who they're all just looking for an escape and they start playing netball together

and I pitched this as a TV show I was like imagine every single female comedy great that we've ever had all playing netball together Oh and they didn't love it And they said what they said Kerry The actual feedback I got from a producer Don't tell me because I'm going to punch on

Could you make the main character 22? Fuck off! And I was like I'm sorry I think the breakup When you were 22 is very different to even 40, 50, 60. We don't want a 65-year-old woman jumping about with a ball. It would be brilliant. I will make this TV show one day.

Can we be in it? If it kills me. Please. Pivots! Can you not imagine? I love it. You're in a wing attack bib. Doing that?

Joanna Lumley is goalkeeper. They do that, don't they? Yeah. A snobby local that takes it too seriously. Oh, this sounds great. And no one would ever make it. It's stepping out with netball? Yeah.

Brett's show. Oh, Ted Lassie. It's Ted Lassow, but for women. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's every single male thing. They don't want that. Laura, they don't want that. They don't want women.

Can you make the main character of B-22 and a bloke? Calendar Girls meets Ted Lassow. You can picture it, right? Yes, absolutely. So topless netball. Okay, right. I'm into it. I'll do it.

You'll get that away, but it might not be the vibe you're after. Do you know what at this point I'll say yes? I won't make them 22, but I will make them topless because my feminism has a line. By the way, we did my recap. We haven't done yours. Oh yeah, no, I had, right. Okay. Can we just audit your summer holiday? I had a great summer. You went to Greece. I went to Greece. You know, I love Greece. I know. Which island did you go to? Corfu. And would you recommend it?

I would highly recommend it, but then I don't want to recommend it because I don't want everyone to go. I think the, I might have heard of Corfu, sure. I think a few people have heard of Corfu. But I don't want to specify the region we were in because it was quite quiet and I like to. it like that. Right. So I mean sure people have heard of Corfu. Yes. But I quite liked the quietness. The quietness of the way you went. Which was the north-southeast. I'm not saying. North-Northeast. I'm not saying. South West. It was really lovely. It was very beautiful. We had a really nice holiday. Went with some friends. Elsie came for some of it. Then she left because she's 18. So she's got other shit to do. She's about to leave home. That's what's going on for me. That's quite a lot.

My first born child is about to go to uni. Now I saw a clip. on the internet which I nearly forwarded to you and then I thought don't forward it to Kerry because you won't appreciate it but then I think maybe you might have appreciated it. It was a clip of a woman talking to Canberra she's crying and she's crying because her sons are going to uni and they've flown the nest and she can't cope and she's like I want and she's like I'm grief stricken I'm depressed I don't know what to do with myself people just say keep telling me to keep busy but I can't keep busy because all I can think about is My children aren't here.

I miss them so much. I don't know how to get through the day. Can anyone help me? And she's in, she's absolutely beside herself. She's in tears. And I thought, I'll send that to Kerry.

And then I thought, hmm, there's nothing helpful in this post about Oh, really? I was about to say it then. And then, da, da, da, no. So it's just despair.

Yeah, but then I think the whole point is, I didn't read the comments. So presumably underneath people would have gone, cheer up, oh, my son left. And I also feel the same. Oh, don't worry.

You get through it. You get through it. And then they come back. I mean, I've also still got Frank, so it's not as if there's not going to be anyone at home. Yeah, that's true. And he's a bit, he looks a bit jumpy about the prospect of having all my attention. You do keep telling him that. And yeah, I just think it's part of life and you've got to feel it.

Feel the feels. Feel the feels. Yeah. And get on with things. And that's life, the changing of life. The new seasons, the new chapters. The new chapters. And get yourself a gig in Liverpool.

Because I know that Elsie would absolutely love to see you. I've got a gig in Liverpool. Because I'm going back on the road. I'm re-toring bandwidth for the old. autumn and I make sure I'm going to Liverpool. I'm Max Rushden. I'm David O'Dardy. And we'd like to invite you to listen to our new podcast, What Did You Do Yesterday?

It's a show that asks guests the big question, quite literally, what did you do yesterday? That's it. That is it. Max, I'm still not sure. Where do we put the stress? Is it what did you do yesterday? What did you do yesterday? You know what I mean?

What did you do yesterday? I'm really down playing it. Like, what did you do yesterday? Like I'm just a guy just asking a question But do you think I should go bigger? What did you do yesterday? What did you do yesterday? Every single word this time I'm going to try

And make it like it is the killer word. What did you do yesterday? I think that's too much, isn't it? That is over the top. What did you do yesterday? Available wherever you get your podcasts every Sunday.