Mind Pump: Raw Fitness Truth - 1410: How to Be a Great Dad

Episode Date: October 26, 2020

In this episode, Sal, Adam & Justin go over 12 things that contribute to being a great dad (or a great parent for that matter). How nothing challenges you more to be a better person than being a dad. (3:42) The fatherless epidemic statistics and unintended consequences. (6:08) The 12 Most Important Factors that Contribute to Being a Great Dad. (13:48) #1 – Be present. (14:34) #2 – Show your children how to treat women/others. (25:59) #3 – Be the example. (37:07) #4 – The value of roughhousing with your children. (42:31) #5 – Provide a sense of security and safety. (48:04) #6 – The importance of being human and vulnerable. (54:18) #7 – Show unconditional love. (1:02:25) #8 – Teach discipline and structure. (1:05:30) #9 – Show physical affection. (1:09:11) #10 – Let your kids fail. (1:14:17) #11 – Show you are a united front. (1:18:44) #12 – Remember that your words have power. (1:23:54) Related Links/Products Mentioned October Special: MAPS Anabolic and No BS 6-Pack Formula October Promotion: ALL MAPS Products 50% off!! **Promo code “OCTOBER50” at checkout** Visit ChiliPad for an exclusive offer for Mind Pump listeners! Father Absence Statistics Mind Pump #872: Dr. Warren Farrell- The Boy Crisis The One Minute Manager Love and Logic Institute, Inc 12 Rules for Life: An Antidote to Chaos Mind Pump Podcast – YouTube Mind Pump Free Resources People Mentioned Warren Farrell, PhD (@drwarrenfarrell)  Twitter Joe De Sena (@realjoedesena)  Instagram

Hey, real quick, this is Sal, one of the hosts of Mind Pump right now to the end of this month, October 31st. All programs, all maps, workout programs, 50% off, and all bundles, 50% off. This is the biggest sale we've done all year. Just go to mapsfitinistproducts.com and use the code October 50. That's the word October and the number 50, no space. If you wanna pump your body and expand your mind, there's only one place to go. Mind, pop, mind, pop with your hosts.

Salda Stefano, Adam Schaefer, and Justin Andrews. You're listening to Mind Pump, the world's number one ranked fitness health and entertainment podcast. Now in this episode, we talk about how to be a great dad. How to be a great father. Now Justin, Adam and myself, we're all dads. We find a lot of value in fatherhood.

It's the most important thing that we think we do in the world. And it's a topic we like to talk about a lot off the air, now normally we're a fitness podcast, but we think this is also very important for a lot of the guys out there. Now, a lot of the stuff we talk about in this episode, we think is valuable for everybody to hear.

These are just good things to do, to be a great leader and a great human being. And so we go through about 12 points that studies show our important points of being a great father. And then we speak a lot through personal experience. Now this episode is brought to you by our sponsor, Chilli. Now Chilli makes some of the bad,

some incredible products to help you sleep. Now my favorite product is their ulla, which goes over your bed under the sheets. And it can cool or warm your bed. It uses water so there's no electric blanket underneath, or anything like that. It's all water cooled. And you can set the temperature and then that's it.

And you have two sides. So if you and your spouse prefer different temperatures of the bed, one side can be warmer, the other side can be cooler. Set it that way, leave it alone, and that's it. This contributes to way better sleep. You can even set it to warm up in the morning to naturally wake you up.

This product was a game changer for all of us in terms of improving our sleep. Now, because you listen to Mind Pump, you get a discount on their products. So here's what you do if you wanna check them out. Just go to chileatechnology.com, forward slash Mind Pump, that's CHILI, their products. So here's what you do if you wanna check them out. Just go to chileetacknology.com-mindpump. That's CHILI-technology.com-mindpump.

And then use the code pump22. That's the word pump and the number 22 with no space to get discounts. Also, all month long, two of our most popular workout programs, MAPS and Abolic, which is a full body workout program designed to build muscle, burn month long, two of our most popular workout programs, MAPS and Abolic, which is a full body workout program designed to build muscle, burn body fat, speed up the metabolism. It's actually one of our, it's definitely our most popular full body workout program. We took that and we combined it with our no BS 6-pack formula, which is a core and ab training

program designed to bring out definition even at higher body fat percentages. Both these programs combine normally retail at about $174, but this month you can get both for $59.95. That's one payment, $59.95, and you get all the videos, all the demos, the exercises, the sets, the wraps. There are three month workout programs. It comes with a 30-day money back guarantee, so you can try the whole workout for a month, if it doesn't blow your mind, return it for a full refund.

You can get both of these for that incredibly discounted price of $59.95 at mapsoctober.com. That's the word maps, M-A-P-S, October.com. Dude, I'll tell you what, you know, here I am waiting for Jessica a mom, I'm not a mom, I'm not a mom, I'm not a mom, I'm not a mom, I'm not a mom, I'm not a mom, I'm not a mom, I'm not a mom, I'm not a mom, I'm not a mom, I'm not a mom, I'm not a mom, I'm not a mom, I'm not a mom, I'm not a mom, I'm not a mom, I'm not a mom, I'm not a mom, I'm not a mom, I'm not a mom, I'm not a mom, I'm not a mom, I'm not a mom, I'm not a mom, I'm not a mom, I'm not a mom, I'm not a mom, I'm not a mom, I'm not a mom, I'm not a mom, I'm not a mom, I'm not a mom, I'm not a mom, I'm not a mom, I'm not a mom, I'm not a mom, I'm not a mom, I'm not a mom, I'm not a mom, I'm not a mom, I'm not a mom, I'm not a mom, I'm not a mom, I'm not a mom, I'm not a mom, I'm not a mom, I'm not a mom, I'm not a mom, I'm not a mom, I'm not a mom, I'm not a mom, I'm not a mom, I'm not a mom, I'm not a mom, I'm not a mom, I'm not a mom, I'm not a mom, I'm not a mom, I'm not a mom, I'm not a mom, I'm not a mom, I'm not a mom, I'm not a mom, I'm not a mom, I'm not a mom, I'm not a mom, I'm not a mom, I'm not a mom, I'm not a mom, I'm gonna be a father again to another child, you self-examining and thinking, okay, what can I do to be a better person because I wanna be a great example. It's crazy how much it challenges you to be a better person, you know? It's like an immediate mere reflection of

how you operate, how you do everything. It's all just like right there to look at. Totally, so. I have a little bit of different perspective on this, right? you are, how you operate, how you do everything, it's all just like right there to look at. Totally. I have a little bit of a different perspective on this, right? So when we were organizing this episode, and we're putting together the points, you know, because I don't want to alienate our audience that is not a father.

And when I looked at like all the characteristics that we went through and said that were really important, I think these are extremely important characteristics of being just a good human being period. And I think they bleed into other aspects of life and of success. If you have figured these things out, I bet you have a much better marriage.

I think you have a much better work home life. I think you probably have better interaction with your coworkers, like better leadership, better leader entering right There's there's the the the characteristics that I think it takes to be a good father Really play into other aspects of life. I think the what is Unique about being a dad is that if you didn't work on those things before and you become a dad You don't have a choice anymore

And you now have to figure this all out and you either come a dad, you don't have a choice anymore. And you now have to figure this all out. And you either piece it together as the days go on of being a father, or you've practiced a lot of these things, and now you have to put them into play because you have a child now. Yep, yep, nothing will slap you in the face like that, right? Okay, I gotta deal with this thing that I do all the time

because now I have this human that I'm responsible for. You don't get a break. Yeah, now to be fair, the ones that we did pick the time because now I have this human that I'm responsible for. You don't get a break. Yeah. Now to be fair, the ones that we did pick were ones that we thought would be unique, somewhat unique to men. Or should I say, based off of studies, our own experiences, and also unique in terms of the kinds of challenges that fathers, I think, tend to be presented with, which sometimes are different than challenges that moms are presented with.

Now, one thing is for sure, and this is kind of crazy, is that we are in a fatherless epidemic in this country. We really are. Right now, more than one out of every four children is growing up without a father, without that male role model. Now, in 1960, you know what that number was? 8%, so it went from 8% to over 25% in, you know. 92% of marriage stayed together back then. That's a good question, not sure. I mean, it sounds like that would be it, right?

Holy smokes. It wasn't really that high. Do you have a fact check that? I didn't know it was that high. Yeah, this is... I knew we've dramatically, I mean, it's gone. It's got crazy, right? Holy smokes. It wasn't really that high. You got a fact check that I didn't know it was that high. I knew we've dramatically, I mean, it's gone. It's got crazy, right? It's got into the point where, you know, you almost celebrate, you know, the Peter Pan

syndrome and people having independence and it's become normal to have a home where your parents are divorced, but I didn't know that it was that drastic. So, here's the thing. I don't know if they count divorce as being growing up without a father or having a father that's not present, because I'm divorced, right? But I'm very present in my children's life. So I wouldn't be counted as a statistic,

or at least my children wouldn't be one of those children that are in the statistic of growing up without a father because I'm extremely involved in their lives. So it might be one of those statistics. I think they're counting not divorced because I'm pretty sure the divorce rate's higher than 25%. I think it's literally children to have no father present at all, whether parents are together or not.

It's just abandonment. They're just gone. And these are the numbers statistics show that this is actually a terrible thing. Here's a few statistics. 90% of homeless people grow up without a father. 71% of high school dropouts. 83% of youth suicides. Children that grow up without dads or without a male role model are four times higher risk of being in poverty,

seven times higher risk of teen pregnancy, twice as likely to suffer from obesity and of course the statistics for going to prison, becoming a drug addict, having behavioral issues, all much higher when there isn't a father present. So this is a very important role and you know, Adam, back to your point about Peter Pan syndrome and all that stuff.

Well, first off, Peter Pan syndrome is a loose term that refers to men who just don't wanna grow up, right? They think it's better and more fulfilling to not have children, to not have responsibilities, work, make money, spend it, drive fast cars, date lots of women, have a lot of fun, and it's glorified in media.

In fact, fatherhood used to be very much something that you were proud of, and these days, media seems to joke around about it, like, oh, your dad, now you wear... Life is over. Yeah, you're driving, you know, lawnmower, sit down lawnmower, you drink beer, you watch TV. Watch the paint peel.

In life sucks, you're unhappy, you've been neutered, you know what I mean? Before you were this line, now you're this neutered person. It was never like that before. Being a father was always a source of pride, so it's very interesting. And so to me, it makes sense that we're going in this direction. Part of the reason I think for this is that men don't have a biological responsibility check. So it's like you're driving your car

and the check light comes on the light comes on the check the engine. For women, that is, I need to have a baby by this point. Otherwise, it's not going to be very likely for me to have a kid. For men, we could have children well into old age, so we kinda have this loose time frame. And so we're not really reminded. So I'll just keep going.

When I decide later, I wanna get married and have kids. I can totally do that. And also, because of media, it's so much more fun to not have responsibility and it's so much greater and I save more money and all this other stuff. So to me, it's not a surprise that we're heading in the direction. Well, you're the biggest historian out of all of us.

What do you think changed in history that shifted us from this 98%? I mean, that's just crazy to me. Yeah, there's a few things that they'll point to. One of them was the effect of separation of sex from procreation. So we had condoms for a long time, but birth control really challenged that.

All of a sudden, the risk of having a child from having sex went way, way down. And so now it became like, yeah. And it was a sexual revolution, right? Before I think, and this is not my words, is just when you go and research this, is you're what cultural historians will say that, in the past, when women were a little bit more afraid

of having sex with a man because well the risk is high. If I get pregnant and he leaves me, it's going to be pretty bad or whatever, but you know, birth control allowed some more of that freedom and unintended consequence. And I'm not saying that's a bad thing. I think that was a good, I think the invention of birth control was great. But the unintended consequence was, you know, now there's more loose sex and it's separated from having children.

I think media played a role. We started glamorizing people like Hugh Hefner and celebrities that seem to have all this fun on the outside. Look, being a dad is a lot of responsibility, no doubt. If you are going to have way more responsibility as a father, then not being a father. And responsibility, I think, in the, you know, this kind of selfish culture, consumerism type culture, responsibility seems like a bad thing, right?

Having responsibilities bad, less responsibilities better. But if you look at the statistics, or you actually look at the data, responsibilities, a great thing. When you have responsibility and you tend to it, responsibly, you have more meaning and purpose in your life. And not having any responsibility can actually lead to feeling nihilistic, feeling

like there's no purpose, you know, it's like living in your mom's basement and being a kid and not really having responsibility, that's not fun, you know. Do you think a percentage that though is because we do now have so much information out there that, I mean, very few kids today are unaware of the divorce rate. Very few kids today are unaware of the risk of pregnancy. I think there's so much information out there today that you know that if you have sex without birth control or condom, if you get married early at a young age, the divorce rate is much higher. So do you think that a part of that is not all pointing towards the

direction of the Peter Pan type syndrome and just maybe actually a smarter decision by some young men that are going, hey, I'm only 22, maybe I'm in love with this girl right now, but you know, that's still pretty young, and I'll probably be different when I'm 30, and the divorce rate's really high if I get married this young. Yeah, and I'll say no, because that would point to having less children, so that would be statistically showing that we're having less children, which we are. But that doesn't point to the fact that men are still having babies with women.

They're just not there. So it's not like they're saying, I don't want to have kids. It's like they're saying, oh no, I'm having a kid. I don't want any of that responsibility. I don't want to deal with any of that. I'm out of here. That's the big issue that I think we're dealing with. And I'd like to just kind of communicate number one to men that, for me at least, and for the men in my life,

the greatest expression of being a good man is being a good father that I've ever experienced. It's for me as well. It makes me, I'm way better of a person because I'm a father and because that responsibility of being a good person. It's also extremely fulfilling to be a father and to be a great father. And I know we have a lot of listeners, a lot of male listeners who are dads or are thinking about dads. So I think it would be good to talk about some

of the stuff that we've found is, our dads are worth ourselves or things that we have looked up that seem to be, you know, good factors or important factors to being a great father. Now the first one that we listed, this one I think, it's not necessarily 100% unique to men, but societally speaking, men have this pressure, if you're a dad, that you're like your number one most important responsibility is to provide money to be the paycheck. And I think sometimes men forget that they should also be present, you know, it's like they work and then that's what they do and they come home and they're not really present, but hey, I'm a good dad because I support the family. Yeah, and I think that, I mean, this is one of those,

one of those I think a lot of working people, like they feel this because there's always this need to this drive, to be able to kind of provide this nest egg, to be able to provide, you know, your family's future. And a lot of times we get tunnel vision. And I know of me specifically talking to my own, once we were pregnant and that was a reality,

it was almost this immediate, like, excess, like, exponential amount of energy towards work and diving in and really wanting to, you know, that's like exponential amount of energy towards work and diving in and really wanting to pursue ways to provide for the family and get the, and I don't know if that's biological or if that's just something that people share just knowing that it's such a responsibility now

that whoever's gonna go out in the workforce, either mom or dad is really going to be the one that's going to determine the success of the family and the safety of it. Well, I think that's half of what makes this so challenging is that I do think that's biological. I do think that in a good father or a good man, I think it feels very natural that you have a child and instantly you want to provide, or potentially provide more than what you already were.

And so then you put your head down and that provider side of you comes out. Like I felt that right away. And most men I've talked to, most good fathers I've talked to felt the same thing. So I think that's part of why it makes it being present so hard. Because you right away take this responsibility as,

okay, I've got to start to really provide. If I wasn't saving before being responsible with my money or if I was passing up on those overtime hours before, none of that anymore. Now, I'm taking all the overtime hours, now I'm saving all my money, now I'm thinking about my child and my wife. So I think that's part of what makes it really difficult because you justify all the hours that you bury yourself into work understandably, right?

Then I also think what makes that even more difficult is the time that we live in. Because now we live in this time where both men and women, everybody is distracted. We have these super computers in our pocket now that provide not only the ability for you to connect via email and business and contact and call and text But also be distracted and entertained

Totally and so I think you already won you have the first challenge Which is I feel drawn to just working more than I ever worked before to provide for my family And then when I finally do come home and I want to Decompress and relax the next thing I do is I pick my phone up and I want to decompress and relax, the next thing I do is I pick my phone up and I want to be consumed by this super computer in my pocket versus now it's time for me to interact with my child. So this is too pronged right now and I do think that it's more difficult today than it's ever been because of that.

Yes, being present doesn't just mean you're physically there. You know what I mean? The image of the dad that's on the couch watching TV or maybe today on his phone while his kid is, you know, he's watching his kid, you know, quote, but he's on his phone while his kid is doing stuff. Like that's, you know, that's better than not being there at all but it's not really being a totally present. And it is challenging.

This was a really hard one for me when I first became a dad to my older kids. As soon as I knew I was having a child, I was already a work fanatic. As soon as I knew I was having a kid, it was like, now I'm gonna turn it up even more. And the side effect of that was I didn't, I wasn't present because all I did was work. That's what I thought all my value was.

And I worked every day and I busted my ass. And you know, when I thought, well, I wasn't present because all I did was work. That's what I thought all my value was. And I worked every day and I busted my ass. And, you know, when I thought, well, I'm doing a good thing, which that part wasn't bad. It was the fact that I wasn't being present. And by the way, being present, there's a lot of guilt sometimes around this because I know this happened to me.

As a dad, sometimes I think being present means I have to enjoy being present all the time. Like I'm with my three year old and they're playing with their blocks. And I'm like, why do I not want to be on the floor playing blocks with them? And is there something wrong with me? Well, no, that's normal. You know, playing blocks is not necessarily a fun thing, especially after work. So sometimes it's work for you to be like, I'm tired, tired from work,

maybe stressed out about something or whatever. I don't really feel like laying on the floor and doing this with my kid, but I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it anyway. So being present is also, it's also work, it's not a deal. Yeah, and I mean, it's, again, this all falls into your relationship with your partner as well. Like if you're coming in and you're so tunnel visioned and you're

focused on just work and getting further and further ahead. So that way, you can relax. That mentality, I carried that all the way through like my first kid. And it was stressful, not only just on my own self to try and also be know, also be able to shut that off and be home and be present and be there and play and have all these, like, meaningful interactions with my kid, but also, you know, I wasn't recognizing the need for help that was right in front of me, which was something that put a strain

on the relationship that we had to address. Well, I've found, or I'm having, having right so I'm still early in this right I'm only a year and a half into this game The success that I think that I'm having as a dad is similar to the success that I had in fitness like the same type of Practices right creating good habits and setting rules and boundaries for yourself to make sure that's right Make sure you execute on these things that you claim to be important, right? If I claim that my health is important and I want to be healthy and fit,

then I got to have certain boundaries and rules and things and goals and discipline that I apply to myself in order to follow through on what I say or what I believe. Well, the same thing goes for being a dad. So, you know, and to give you two examples to being present that is extremely important that I have set as boundaries or rules for myself is, you know, sometimes I have a lot of work to do.

And if that's the case, then I stay here. I stay here at the studio and I work longer on my phone and I do whatever I need to do. And then the moment I walk in the door, the very first thing I do every single time, I go wash my hands, the downstairs bathroom I walk upstairs and I immediately go right to my son. That is like I've never missed a moment or a day in a year and a half Of that's what my routine looks like and from that moment on I don't have my phone on me I don't ever let him see me looking at my phone or doing anything like that And if there's an absolute emergency or one of you guys called and it's business related

I would take that outside or take it to another room so he doesn't see me doing it. And then the other one is reading to him, right? So I want that to be a part of our family culture that we read, that we all read. It's something that I wish I did more of as a young kid. And I think leading by examples, the first step in that. So, you know, a year and a half has gone by now and not a single day has been missed that we don't read after bath time, every single time. So, now, the course, there's other things I go to the park with him, I play ball.

I do all these other things too, but I have these things that are habits now. That those things have, I don't break those habits and they're part of me being present with him. And because Katrina's a part of that, she knows that's part of the routine. I know that's part of the routine, that's part of me being present with him. And because Katrina's a part of that, she knows that's part of the routine. I know that's part of the routine, that's part of the habit.

And it's all centered around me wanting to be a present father. And at first, maybe it was a little different because that was a new normal for me. I didn't have that two years ago. And so this is a new normal for me. It was a little rocky to try and get into the routine and be disciplined about putting the phone away and then always make sure that's how I come into the house

and then reading every single night the same fucking books over and over. Yeah, yeah, speak to the challenge of that atom because I think some guys are listening and they're like, man, it sounds so easy for them just to do that. It's so hard for me to do. I mean, what about the challenges of putting your phone down?

Like, it's gotta be a tough thing. You get to recognize your own habits first, right? Yeah, and I would be lying if I said, I never had moments where I hicked up on it, just like diet, right? So, you know, and those are the things that I think the first step in all of this is to set the rules, the boundaries, and the goals for yourself,

that you have to do that first. And then be as consistent as you possibly can, and then there's gonna be moments where you have hiccups or you're not perfect and becoming aware of those, right? Being coming aware of when that happens and seeing the difference, man, it's very obvious to me. There's been times both Katrina and I and we're in on this together.

So if one of us pulled our phone out and it's in front of him, dude, you can see the behavior change in him. You can see that he's instantly fighting for your attention and he'll do things. He'll do things to get your attention because he sees you, he doesn't have your attention. And because we are, that was important to us. We are so aware of it.

We pick up on that and we look at each other, like, oh my God, like, you just can't do that. Versus, if you never made that important, you never made that a goal, you never cared about it, you never really paid attention to that, you wanna aware of it, maybe you don't even notice those behaviors. Maybe you don't even notice your kid is trying to tell you because he can't communicate at that age.

So he does it in other ways. The way he acts out, the way he does things, the way he behaves or the actions he's doing. That may be his way of communicating, but because you're not present, and you haven't made that important, it goes right over your head and you don't even realize it. Yeah, thinking back to my father,

my dad worked a lot, I mean, again, he had no education, he was a poor immigrant, and he worked very, very hard to provide his four kids with a middle class life. And in order to do that, he had to work oftentimes seven days a week. So he worked in construction. He was up at 4am or 4.30am, and he would be home by was up at 4 a.m. or 4.30 a.m.

and he would be home by around 3 or 4 p.m. and again, most weeks it was six or seven days a week. However, there wasn't a dinner that my dad ever missed. Every single night we all had dinner together. And I remember my dad always being present for that. In fact, having dinner without my dad would have been very strange. I can't even remember a time when that happened,

except for maybe when he was an Italy visiting family. So it was one example of how he was able to be present with us. And for me, this can be a very challenging one. Because my tendency is to relax, distract, or work. Yeah, the irony is like the more disciplined you are going in, the more freedom you provide for you to be able to really enjoy those moments more, which it's sound, that was a hard reality

for me to face was I couldn't just react. I had to really set boundaries for myself and create the environment where everybody was being accounted for. And the sooner I addressed that, the better everything got. Yeah. Now the next one, this one's really important

and to me in particular, because I think my father really did a good job of this, which is you know show your children Had a treat other people in particular Show them how to treat women and the way that they learn this is by the way you treat their mother So if you have sons, they're gonna believe the way that you treat their mom is the way that is normal and the way that women should be treated. Your daughters, you're going to set the example for them and how they're going to allow other men to treat them.

This is a big one. If you are disrespectful to their mom and you yell and you display aggression, which I know some men will do when they get angry or they'll hit the wall or whatever, that your daughter's watching this and growing up with this, this is what they may tolerate from other men. And if you want men to treat your daughters, that when your daughter's be okay with that,

then keep going. Otherwise, show them. This is how you treat women, not simply by treating their mother with respect. How you treat older people is another one, or how you treat homeless or disenfranchised people. This is a big one.

My father was always kind to people who needed help. I'll never forget driving on a long family trip. I was like a four-hour drive, raining and pouring in a car in front of us, a few cars up, kind of skid it out from the rain, went to the side, and my dad pulled over and went over to check and see if they were okay, and if he could help them out in the pouring rain, and in the real late at night on the way home. And, you know, there was many, many examples of seeing my dad do that.

You know, we would be eating at a restaurant and I remember one time we were eating at a restaurant and we were like in the middle of the restaurant. And all the way by the front door, there was somebody in a wheelchair trying to open the door by themselves. And my dad looked and saw nobody was helping and sprinted over to open the door.

And I remember him coming back and he said nothing of it. And to me as a kid, I remember think, just because I saw my dad do this, I remember thinking, why didn't anybody else do that? You know, and what a phenomenal example that he was in terms of how to treat people. So I try to do this as well. I'm not perfect at all, but if someone cuts me off or something happens, I try to be aware of how I talk about that person or how I treat that person because that's the example, right, that I'm saying. So this one is close to home for me

because this was really difficult for me. I'm terrible with showing affection. So this was one of those things that because I was aware of that, one, I've been working on that since day one in Katrina and I's relationship. We've been together for 10 years. Thank God she's patient and she doesn't need a lot of this, but I'm still terrible at it. I'm terrible at expressing my love, telling her how I feel, telling her how beautiful

she is, coming up to her and grabbing her and hugging her and kissing her and making her feel beautiful. This is an area that I'm not good at, and it's taken a lot of work. And thank God I've been putting a lot of work in for the last nine years to be prepared for when I'd have a son, because, and now, just like the work thing,

it's now accelerated or exaggerated the importance of this. Now, I'm like, okay, now I have a son who I want him to see how to treat a woman. And so it's very important to me that he sees me do that with his mother. And so, and it's been really cool. This is actually one of my favorite moments and things that we've had with him. And it happened, I don't know, maybe six months ago was like the first time. So like one of our favorite times is bath time, reading time, and then after that, he is the most fun at that time.

Like he's the last hour before he goes to bed, he's playful and he laughs and we just kind of let him roll around and kind of let him wind down and get the last bit of energy. And one of the things that we started doing, and I started it like six months ago in this exact thought and just like came in my brain what we're talking about right now. And I thought, wow, you know,

and I know my son's really young, but he hasn't seen me show any real affection to his mother in front of him. So I grabbed Katrina and I kissed him and I kissed her in front of him. And he just laughed and thought it was the funniest. It's not wonderful. Oh, I bet that melted the whole thing.

Oh, yeah, it gets me emotional just thinking about that moment, that feeling, and now it's become also very traditional for us. That, you know, we, in part of that time where we're playing together and we're doing things and we're reading and we're, like, at one point in the night, I'll always lean over to her or she'll say, oh, mommy's in a kiss daddy. Daddy's in a kiss. That, you know, mommy and I lean over and I kiss in front of him. And he just thinks it's the,

he throws his face in between the two of us and he laughs and he tries, now he tries to push our heads together. That's great. So, you know, this was, but this was something again that I know that I'm not good at. I'm not good at doing that even when he's not around. Now is this because when you were a kid, you didn't see a lot of this yourself and so.

Yeah, exactly. Yeah, so in my, you know, obviously my story, right, my father commits suicide by time I'm seven and then my mom remarries into a very abusive type relationship and I have a very distorted view of like showing affection. So the mo of my, my mom and my stepfather who married afterwards that had married

into the abusive relationship, it was a pattern of six months on six months off. So I saw them, they were affectionate, but then I also saw them hitting each other and screaming and yelling and all the crazy stuff months later. And so I become very numb to that. Like that means nothing to me.

People kissing and showing affection and love, I began to become numb to like, that's not, if this is love, I don't want anything to do with it because three months later, now they're throwing frying pans at each other, or chasing each other with knives and shit. So I would see that, and you know, you do that to a child.

A child sees that as a pattern month over month over month for years, like I did. Eventually, what ends up happening is the kid goes, I don't feel that anymore, I don't see that anymore. And so that, and so then that bled into adulthood for me. And then relationships was one of those areas in relationships I had to work on. Wasn't that I don't have love for her.

I don't think she's beautiful. I don't want to show affection. It's that it means less to me because of that. But that doesn't mean it doesn't mean less to her. It doesn't mean that it's not important role to him. And so now is a dad, even though it's not a natural reaction to me do that. See some bothers listening right now might reaction, I mean, do that.

See, some fathers listening right now might go, I'm totally affection that's normal for me. I kiss my wife all the time. Like, Sal, you're a very affectionate person. You probably do this a lot with Jessica. Probably not a big deal for you. But I know there's got to be other men that are out there that are similar to me

where it's like, it's fucking work to do that. I have to actively think about, I need to do these things because it's important, one for her, and it's also now very important for him. Yeah, definitely. I also think to, well, thinking back about how I was raised, a big thing that my dad showed me was, obviously, how to treat women, how to respect women,

how to communicate in a way where you could get into heated conversation, but the volume never was higher. There was no yelling, there was no smashing, there was a very cordial way of handling difficult situations, and then if it got more intense, they would leave the room and they would do the rest of it outside. Or we never saw them really like going back and forth with any kind of venom.

That was something that they never shared in front of us. And I know I'm sure it happened, you know, behind the scenes, but I just feel like that was something I wanted to carry into my own family because at little ears, little eyes are always there. And you know, and they pick up on all that kind of stuff. And for me, it's always been really important that we were united front in that. And then we're always making sure they know.

If we are in a discussion, it's a discussion. And we're mommy and daddy aren't mad at each other. We're really trying to get to a goal together as a team. And so anyway, on top of that, a chivalry was a big thing. Chivalry, for me, is, I'm old school. I'm very old school with it.

I still indoors. I still go out of my way to help people. I mean, not just women but primarily like a you know that's that's something i'm always conscious of i'm always conscious of just being available and in trying to help uh... my fellow human beings you know especially women you know it's you know it's funny about this is uh... is well first of all when they talk about toxic masculinity and men who act terrible towards people or towards women,

these are oftentimes men who grew up without a good example. In fact, if you're a boy and you grow up without a father or a good male role model, and you see masculinity on media, you end up thinking masculinity means being tough, being aggressive, being loud, and so then you, and being sexually aggressive, and then you think this is what it's like, and that's not at all what it's supposed to be like.

And if you don't see that from a good male role model, you could have this totally distorted image of what it's like. And being chivalrous doesn't mean that you think, here's a funny thing too, is I have this conversation with Jessica. Jessica's very open-minded, very progressive, also very intelligent, logical, and we have these conversations. And it's not about showing that women are weaker, like, oh, I need to open the door because they're weaker and I'm stronger.

It's not that at all. It's that there's a real reality in the world, which is, if you're a woman and you're walking around by yourself and you see a group of men or a man, there's always a little bit more of a fear. Men are just, we're just bigger, stronger. We tend to be more aggressive. And so all you're doing is showing that you are, hey, look, I'm a good guy, I'm a good guy.

I'm kind, showing kindness is very important, especially when you're the biggest, strongest, loudest person in the room because you have a low voice and all that stuff. So when you show those things, what you're really showing to your children, in my opinion, is kindness. It had to be soft, that had to be gentle. It doesn't mean you're weak, it just means you're being a good person. And I know this is another point that's coming up, but one of the things too is just, like,

we tend to be a little more brutish and rough with each other and our interactions physically of me and my sons, because I have two sons and it's just one of those things. We pick things up hard, we hug hard, we smash hard, all that kind of stuff. And it's, you know, with how they interact with Courtney as well.

I'm making sure that they're soft or they're gentle or, you know, they don't come in with that same kind of energy, it's different. It's a reality. We have a different, you know, biological makeup that we present to each other and it's a little more rough and I'm trying to kind of make sure that they're conscious of that to tone it down a bit.

Well, I think the points that you guys are making right now really falls under the next one, which is the Be the Example. Totally. I mean, what you guys are sharing with me, it reminds me of like all the things that you do right now to be the example to your kids, right? So the things that you want them to exude or behaviors you want them to pick up from you starts with you. You got to do those things first and you guys nailed already. I think the things that I think are really important as far as behaviors.

But this even, I think, is things that you hope your kids are into, like the reading thing I talked about. Yes. I know that I, what I don't want to be as a parent who waits till my kid is, you know, 12 or 13 and then I realize, like, oh, I want him to read more because he needs to in school. And then I start telling you need to read every night for a half hour hour. So I'm trying to be have some foresight on that knowing that's going to come in the future. And so if I instill these behaviors right now and he's see I'm reading to him and then eventually obviously, you know, the Elmo books will get old, right?

The Elmo books, the books that he'll, the books that he'll eventually get into his interest. And my goal is to not stop reading. It's maybe I'm stopped reading to him, but now he begins reading. I'm reading mom's reading, and that's our still our time. Reading is just one of the most fundamental things you can, you know, you can pass on to your kids. It's going to set them up for success in so many different directions. So to be able to really highlight that

and make sure you're involved with it yourself and being an example of that. Yeah, don't do the whole, do as I say, don't do as I do think. It's like the dad that tells his kids, don't smoke cigarettes and he's smoking cigarettes or don't drive fast, but he drives fast. Your kids learn way more from how you act

and they do from your words. And I can definitely be guilty of this, or just because you're being lazy and you know what I call it, rule from the couch where you tell them what to do, but then kind of what you're doing is not the same. And luckily my partner is very, she's very eager to point that out.

But it's true, I'll stop and be like, I mean, you're right. I'm definitely not being the example right now at what my words don't match my actions. I think what falls under this category too is like, even the way you communicate in your household, right? So, like Katrina and I have, we've created a very calming, calming type of environment

in our house. Like, we never, even before Max, we never yell at each other and argue and fight like that. So he's never heard a swearing, he's never heard, you know, someone yelling or raising their voice. Katrina has been very cognizant of anytime we've had somebody over if they're like talking about drama in their life and they have a lot of like bad negative

energy, she literally will take Max up and upstairs or outside and out of the room. So he's not around that. And I'm already starting to see the effects of that. And it's not so much a positive effect right now, but we can tell that we've actually put this work into do this because when he shows up, we go somewhere where there's it's crazy. Like her family's a little loud and crazy and there's 20, 30 people in the house and like people he doesn't recognize and people screaming yelling, cussing everything,

he gets really like close to us because it's unfamiliar territory. And so it's something that's important to us that he sees a normal environment, our environment as this very calming, loving, good communication, there's no screaming and yelling. So we think about that stuff. So, you know, if you want them to be like that also, I think it starts with you and the way you communicate to your part. Yeah, I'll never forget. I had a client once who brought her kid into, for me to train. So I trained her and then she wanted me to train her 11-year-old son. Now she was dealing with issues with obesity and so was the kid. So she brings him in for the first workout and she literally looks at me in front of her son and she goes, Sal, can you tell him why he shouldn't be eating potato chips

and chicken nuggets every single day? And I look back at her and I said, well, he doesn't go to the grocery store and buy them. In other words, if you have to be the example, you can't have your child exercise and be healthy, for example, if you're not doing those things yourself. And this makes it harder. This is one of the reasons why being a parent is so difficult, being a father is so difficult

because you have to do this stuff yourself. If you want your kid to be a certain way, you got to be that way too, which means you got to do, it's not just about telling them, it's about doing the work yourself. I think that's really the crux of what it means to be an example. Just kind of think of the person you want your kid to become when they grow up. If you love your kids, you want them to be a good person to be disciplined, to be healthy. Well, that's what you gotta be to in order for them to be that way when they grow up.

Yeah, and bringing it back to nutrition and exercising and all that too. There's moments where you're just tired and you wanna come home and relax. But there's that little voice in your own head where it's like, the kids really need to get out. We need to get out, we need to get everybody out and exercise and be in the sun and do this.

And sometimes I'll listen to it. And you know, sometimes I won't, but for the majority now, I'm trying to make sure I respond and listen to, you know, what's gonna be the best for the entire environment for the family right now and not necessarily like, what sounds awesome right now to just sit down and plot my feet up.

Totally. Now the next one, this one's relatively unique to fathers. When they do studies on, they've done studies on this. We had a very interesting author on the show, Doctor, what was they, what? Warren Farrell, thank you. And he spoke about the importance of father's rough housing with your children.

Now this is relatively unique to fathers because dads tend to be the ones that do most of the rough housing with their kids. It's a stereotype, but it's also generally true. But he said there's tremendous value in rough housing for two clear reasons. I thought this was very fascinating. You could look up the research. It's pretty clear. It teaches your kids how to be gentle

to other people. And you think, how does rough housing teach kids to do that? And he says, well, when you're rough housing with your kids, if they poke you in the eye or hit you a little too hard, you stomp or bite you or whatever, you stop. You say, hey, hold on, that's a little too hard. Go a little easier, otherwise we're not gonna keep having fun. Or if they do that to their sibling, hold on, you need to stop. We're not gonna, you're not gonna keep playing if you kick your sister that way because that hurts.

It's okay to wrestle, but don't do that, otherwise we can't continue. So they learn how to be gentle, how to hold back with that kind of stuff. And then here's the other one. This one I thought was very, essentially quite logical but very important. If you have daughters, it teaches your daughters to be comfortable with male physical contact

that is not inappropriate. So now you can wrestle with them, you're touching them, you're holding them down, it's all totally appropriate. So they know what physical contact feels like, that is appropriate. And that's very important thing to teacher to teacher daughters. Man, this, that interview was so impactful for me. I mean, I was already having those interactions with my kids and wrestling. And, you know, we have a lot of fun with that

because it's just, it's just a way to expend energy and spend quality time with my kids, and they really enjoy it, and I really enjoyed it with my father as well. And it really does, just highlighting that important fact that for them to understand how to use their body, like where those thresholds lie in terms of like, am I hurting my brother? And I'm showing them how to,

you know, like act like we're wrestling and we're doing rough things. When in fact, I'm very mindful of, you know, they're them not getting injured, them not getting hurt, and we're making sure that we're all still having fun and enjoying this interaction. And this kind of prepares them too

with how they're gonna interact with their friends, with they're gonna interact with their significant other down the road, like all these types of things. I think the physicalness is something that never gets talked about enough. So this is a fun one for me right now because he's one and a half. Oh, now you're having fun with that.

Yeah, yeah, this is really when I think this, like between ages one and one and a half, I think this is when this really starts to kick up right or start for most for most fathers. And absolutely one of my favorite times right now, but it's cool because the things you guys are touching on right now are already lessons that are being taught right so like just the other night. We are wrestling for the first time he like he bit me. You know, like that's why I said that through that or bite because that just happened to me right so we are wrestling around and around and he sunk his teeth into my form a little bit and instantly, like, hey, hey, hey, hey, you don't do that.

You don't bite that, right? And because he doesn't get that, hey, hey, very often, it definitely stops him in his tracks. And you can see he's at that age where he stops and he's trying to process what just happened. What did I do? Yeah, what did I do? That's not okay.

And the other one that's happening right now with that interaction is because the time that we do this, again, is after we read when we're laying on the bed, Katrina and I both are with him. He loves to let, he'll wrestle with me like crazy and then he'll go over to mom. And right now we're trying to teach him, he's allowed to rough with me and he's gentle with mom.

So he comes and he'll wrestle with me and I let him be a little more physical and I'm throwing him around and I'm holding him tight and making him try to fight out of me and stuff And then he'll go over to mom and if he tries to head blood or be really aggressive She'll kind of stop him like no, no, no, you're you go easy with mom you go easy with mom You can be that way with dad You know that she'll pass them back and so this is a fun thing that we're going through right now But I mean you can see when you're when you're doing it with intent, right? When there's intent behind, like,

it's not like we just do it because I'm having fun wrestling with my kid, I'm sure there's a lot of fathers that just have fun wrestling their kids. When you're doing it with the intention and you're so you're more aware of them, you can see them trying to process. You can see his brain working already and trying to figure out what I can and can't do,

what's appropriate, what's not appropriate, and it's really interesting to watch that unfold. Well, and too, I mean, what I've recognized is, especially with their friends' interactions, the ones that haven't got a lot of that experience, tend to be the more sensitive ones that like, you know, misinterpret that energy that they're just trying

to have fun and be playful where they get really reserved and they get really timid. And honestly, I worry about that because like, I see a lot of that now with, you know, with boy interaction. If they're not getting that, it turns into this, like everything is attacking me. Oh, wow, interesting.

And so I haven't seen that. I bet that's so true though. Yeah, it's like you'll see kids wrestle and then the kid who's dad or whatever, doesn't rough house with them. Like, you know, like, even though nothing really happens. They'll run to the teacher or to the principal. Yeah, because they just don't know how to interpret it.

Oh, wow, that's interesting. Now, the next one, this one's interesting to me. And now, it's logical when you think about it. But I remember reading this back when I went through, I got divorced for my kids. Mom, I was reading about divorce and the potential challenges it puts on children. And of course, I planned on being extremely present

with my children and not, being very, very involved in the lives even after divorce. But I remember reading this article that was written by this female divorce lawyer who represented a lot of men. And she wrote about how oftentimes men would get screwed in court. This is actually quite true. A lot of guys who want to be involved, who want to, you know, after divorce, who really want to be there with their kids, if the mom and dad don't get along

and they fight over things like custody, oftentimes the mom will win over the father, and one thing that this divorce lawyer wrote was that some of the questions that they asked the kids or asked the parents weren't necessarily fair. For example, they would ask the mom things like, what's the name of the dentist? And what time was it?

When was our last appointment at the doctor? And that kind of stuff. And then they would ask us questions of the dad and dads oftentimes didn't remember or know those things. So she said, the questions asked the dads are things like, what's your child's biggest fear? And when was the last time they were scared? And boy, that hit me.

And I read that because, if I was really scared or there was a noise in the house, nothing made me feel safe like my dad. My dad coming out of his room and is underwear because that's how he slept. He's going downstairs to check the noise and I'm like, well, dad's going down there. And it's all good.

And this is my kids too. My daughter, if she's afraid of anything, if I go into her room and give her a little comfort, and then I say the following, nothing will ever hurt you because I'm here. I'll stop anything that ever comes in your room. Don't worry. She smiles. I can instantly see that she feels safe and secure. I think just as being a man, you're typically bigger, stronger, a little bit louder. Your children already perceive you as being the physical force in the house. Of course, this isn't always across the board. There's definitely women that are, you know, maybe represent that at home, but I'm speaking

generally, you provide that kind of that sense of security and safety to your children, where if they feel scared or afraid, dad is here. Dad is here. You can be afraid, that's okay, but I'm here to make sure that you stay safe and nothing will hurt you. I think this is a very important role that that's what. This is a big one too, because there's moments where it's silly things.

Silly things are afraid of or like they can't sleep because whatever. And I've really had to check myself a few times not to just be like, oh, that's nothing, that's nothing. We'll just go to bed. Cause it really to acknowledge, a lot of times, I know I'm like, I try and explain that the wind is out there, the trees probably like hitting the,

and I'm trying to like logically explain it, but really they want me to do something about it. So I've just learned to just like, okay, you know, let's let's check it out. Now grab my flashlight and I'll go outside, and I'll shine around, I'll open the window and I believe you see anything? No, don't see anything, but you know,

I don't think anybody's here. We'll go back to bed and then that was it. That's all they wanted. They just wanted me to like address it. So true. So something I did with my son when he was really little is there was a little period there. I remember all it was three where he was scared.

He was scared that there was a monster in his closet or whatever. And I did the same thing just like, there's nothing there, don't worry. And he didn't work. And I remember one night, I was after like three nights in a row, I said, oh, that's it. I'm gonna take care of this.

Like I said that in front of him. So I opened up his closet and I'm like, if there's any monsters in here, I'm gonna kick's it. I'm gonna take care of this. Like, I said that in front of him. So I opened up his closet and I'm like, if there's any monsters in here, I'm gonna kick your butt. I'm gonna kill you. You better get out of here. Don't mess with my son. We're all crushy and he slept. That was it.

He felt like, oh, dad, dad made me safe and told off the monsters and I was like, oh, wow, that's right there. So I actually think this is starting to happen. So what are my, our favorite things? So Katrina and I, after we put him down, we sit down and we like, we analyze like where he's at it.

Because so much change is happening so fast. So fast. Yeah, when you get to this point, I think after the year mark, the changes are happening so rapidly. And he's going through a change right now. And I actually attribute much of this to this exact point that we're talking about. So he's going through this phase where he's he's clinging to me a lot. Like he, I mean, to the point where he runs to me right away and I can't put him down, especially when we're in places that are unfamiliar for him. And I

remember at first, the first initial initial reaction for Katrina was like, what the fuck? You know, I do most of the feeding here. I do, you know, I'm saying so the chop liver. Right. Right. So you get a little bit of that. And we weren't ready for that. I didn't, I actually prepared myself more for like, oh man, he's gonna be a mama's boy and he's not gonna come to his dad very much and like whatever, you know. So, in fact, that didn't happen.

He's like, he's like really, really attached to me. But part of the thing I was explaining, I said, you know, I represent that of him right now. I've asserted myself as the alpha in the house. Like, even when we enter, like, she does not like around the dogs. She's just, they fight enough that she it's scarce. Her to be around the opposite. I've dropped him down right with the dogs and I, and she's always all paranoid and freaked out. But I always tell her when he's with me, like, you don't have to worry. I have control of the situation. I've already asserted

myself as the alpha with the dogs. And so he, I think he feels safe with me. And I've already, I've already established myself as that for him. And so he, I think he feels safe with me. And I've already, I've already established myself as that for him. And now you're starting to see that because he's becoming more aware of everything around him, he's now got this new dad is so safe and secure. And I think it's more that it's less that I'm, I'm definitely not providing more for him than his mother is. His mother is doing as much if not more work for raising him right now. But I definitely think that we're starting to divide in like who is what to him.

Maybe mom is the love that provides, that does those things, feeds and comforts, and dad's becoming more of this, you know, the assertive protector, the bigger, more dominant presence. And you can see that the moments that he's more attached to me is when he's in an uncomfortable so strangers over at the house, we go to a new place, dogs are in the environment, anything like that. He's immediately clinging to me and you can see that's a lot of what's wrong. That makes so much sense. Right, right.

So much sense. Now, the next one, I think this one can be relatively generally unique to fathers because I think just in society and oftentimes are raised to not show weakness or vulnerability, right? You wanna be tough, you don't wanna show that you're sad, you don't wanna show that you're whatever. And I think that's a big mistake in front of your kids. I think it's important, you definitely wanna show them

consistency and strength, but you also wanna show them that you're human and that you're vulnerable because it teaches them that that's okay for them to be vulnerable, especially to your sons. I remember one time in particular when my dad showed this, my sister, when she was younger, my sister had epilepsy. And control by medication, everything's good now, but when it first happened, it was kind of scary because we didn't know what was going on. So she's nine years old and they're doing MRIs

and CT scans and all this stuff. And I remember we went to the hospital and they did these tests on my dad was working a couple hours away, so he's driving his self to the hospital. By the time he gets there, we're in the room with my sister, she's got the little oxygen thing in her nose or whatever. He walks in the room, I'd never seen my dad cry before.

He walks in the room and he starts tears come down and then he comes and hugs my sister. And all it did for me as a child was realize just how human and amazing my father was to see that. Didn't make me, I didn't think he was weak, I didn't think he was, I didn't feel unstable or anything, I just remember seeing that and seeing that my dad could show emotion and vulnerability when he saw his daughter in this hospital bed. And I think sometimes this is tough for dads.

You don't want to show your kids that you're tired, you're stressed, that you get sad, or that you show anything other than strength and whatever. I think that can be a big mistake because it can teach your children to not be okay with their own feelings. Well, this is one of those lessons that I think serve me in life.

So before having a father, I started to piece this together as a trainer. Oh, totally. I remember initially when you're the trainer, you present yourself as this super strong, get it, I'm fit, I'm ripped, I'm like confidence. I'm like confidence. Yeah, confidence.

It's all confidence that comes out at first. But you quickly realize that, you know, your clients already see you that way before you even started day one. In fact, most of them are very intimidated by you and are afraid to open up and share their, they can't connect, yeah, they're afraid to be vulnerable because you're not human.

You're what you've attained, they dream of, they wanna get to one day and they think that you're perfect and they all these these these these uh these false ideas about who you are are swirling around their head and so i don't think it's very different for children either i mean children see that they just assume that dad is invincible and he's so strong and he never cries and so vulnerability i think uh i saw how much it served me as a trainer and as a coach and as a leader and made me realize that, like, wow, how powerful that was, showing these people that I too make mistakes or I too cry or I too have struggles in my life, it allows that person to connect with you on a much deeper level.

And that, when it comes to leadership or relationship is extremely important. So if it's important with clients and strangers that I didn't even know, I can't imagine how much more important that will be for my son, right? So I think that's at a very important point. Yeah, your kids are going to go through tough times. You want them to come to you and tell you that they're having tough times. What you don't want is where they're afraid to tell their dad that they're scared or hurt or whatever because I can't show my dad that I'm gonna say, what you don't want is where they're afraid to tell their dad that they're scared or hurt or whatever

because I can't show my dad that I'm weak. And then they gotta try and deal with it themselves. That can cause a lot of problems. Yeah, it's, I mean, this is a tough one for me. Much like, you know, you're talking about struggling, showing affection at him. I, this is one of those things where I, I wanna be that rock solid sort of model for the kids and how to be a strong,

you know, boy and lead, you know, the family. And for me, like, this was, this was one that I've kind of wrestled with and tried to find opportunities to kind of show this. And again, personal training is definitely one of those, avenues that have helped me to be able to communicate better and to be able to be more relatable and to show weakness and to show vulnerability. And so it doesn't always show up as crying and it doesn't always show up as these like really super sensitive moments,

but it's definitely, I acknowledge, you know, when I'm dealing with something and I'm fearful or I've made mistakes, you know, in that same direction before and I acknowledge that. And I'm not, you know, I'm not this like untouchable, perfect person in their eyes because they ask me about it. Like have you ever been, you know, have you ever had to go to the principal's office? Have you ever gotten in trouble for this or they missed an assignment?

And I'm very honest with that. And that took a lot of work for me to be able to do that and provide that because they need to be able to connect with me on that level and not feel like I'm up here and they can't ever achieve that. Well, I'm up here and they can't like ever achieve that. Well, I'm glad you mentioned the crying thing for vulnerability, because I think a lot of times we connect that,

and it's not just that. That's just one myth on your head. Yeah. In fact, it probably will present itself more in your everyday life with your son or daughter as admitting your faults. Totally. Yes, totally.

Is knowing when, because that's inevitable, you know, I don't care. I'm an early dad and I already know, I'll fuck up, you know, I'm saying like it's bound to happen. I'm going to make a bad decision. I'm not going to do the right thing. And when that moment comes, you know, are you the type of man that will admit that you didn't do it right, that you weren't a good father at that moment, you weren't a good husband at that moment, or you didn't make the right decision,

and they saw that, that to me is what real vulnerability is, and what you'll probably be faced with more often than not. I'm not gonna find a lot, I don't cry a lot period, because there's not a lot of things that make me feel that way where I need to cry, but there's plenty of times where I'm wrong. You know, there's plenty of times when I don't make the right decision,

or I make a bad decision, and that is where I see the most opportunity for fathers to step up and be vulnerable is to mint when you're right. Well, yeah, I had a clear example of this when we were evacuating from the fires. And I had this real fear that I came over me, but I had to shield that and act strong and take everybody and start trying to create the opportunity to bring us into safety and bring our family out of like what I felt was this sort of impending doom like making its way towards you know our house. And so I had a moment there later on where the kids were like, they were really scared

and they wanted to know if I was scared. And I was like, yes, I was really scared. And honestly, it was just pure courage. And so basically I had to just summon the courage to now make the right decisions and navigate through that fear. What a great example, because now your kids know, my dad was afraid, but LeCawi acted. He, that's what bravery comes from. I mean, not brave if you're not scared. Right. To begin with, Adam, you're talking about admitting

when you're wrong. One of those powerful things I've ever done ever was apologize to my kids. Because I did something or maybe I disciplined them in a way that later on, I was like, that's wrong. You know how many people have a trouble telling their kids, I'm sorry, I yelled at you that way. Or that partner.

Or whatever. Apologizing to my kids, it's like it really shows leadership and it is a vulnerable thing to do because you don't want to tell your kids. Well, that's actually the first rule of leadership is everything is your fault. That's right. That's right.

Here's the next one and this one's really important First rule of leadership is everything is your fault. That's right. That's right. Here's the next one, and this one's really important, and that is to show unconditional love. So what does that mean? That means don't withhold love as a condition of their actions. Now this doesn't mean that they can do things that are wrong, this doesn't mean you can't be upset with them,

this doesn't, definitely doesn't mean that you're always gonna like them. In fact, there's many times they don't like my kids, but they always know that I love them. And I've had conversations with my kids where I'll sit them down and I'll say, look, the way you handle that situation made me very upset. You could have done that way better.

I don't like the way you did that. I think that you showed these things that you did wrong. But then I'll say, here's a deal, I always love you. I'm always in no matter what you do, I'm always gonna love you. That doesn't mean I'm always gonna like what you do. Just like that thing you did, I didn't like it, but I'll always love you.

And I think this is important because what you don't wanna do is have a kid who thinks that they only get love when they do the things that the other person wants them to do. This is a terrible relationship with love that can bleed out into friendships and partnerships. And so you wanna show your kid no matter what, no matter how unhappy I am, no matter how much you screwed up, I'm not gonna tell you that you didn't screw up,

so I'm not saying be afraid of telling your kids that they messed up. I mean, you tell them, I love you, that doesn't mean I'm happy with you, but, I love you. That doesn't mean I'm happy with you, but I always love you. So I haven't had to deal with this yet, right? This is still so early for me to have something that I can think of an example like this. So, you know, the unconditional love thing for me, I also think of being able to tell your kid know and explain why. And what I think of is conversations

I've had to have with my younger brother in sibling. We have a good 10 to 15 year gap between the two youngest ones and me. And so I've played kind of a father figure role many times in their life. And one of the hardest things that I had to break was as they got older, they had behaviors that I had created for myself.

I was the older brother that had success early and they were still struggling living back at home. And so I came in with, you know, by a Christmas presents and birthday presents and shower them with gifts all the time, working through my own bullshit and insecurities, realized later on all I did was really crutch them and now they looked to me as a safety net all time. And one of the hardest things I ever had to do was to tell them no, but I really think of that as that that's real and conditional love because I love you so much that it'd be easy for me to give you a hundred dollars. I don't sweat a hundred dollars right now and if that were to help you get by and put gas in your car and do what you need to do. But what I realize is that I'm actually not helping

you by doing that. I'm enabling you by doing that. So I think of situations that are probably going to hit my way. Well, this will happen, right? There'll be times when I want to do something for my kid and I don't want to enable them. And so being able to say no and why I'm saying no and being able to articulate that to them, I also think of his unconditional love. That goes right to the next one, which is discipline and structure. When they do studies on children and how successful or unsuccessful they turn out as measured by life satisfaction, if they live in poverty, if they've gone to jail, drug abuse, all

those measures, the most successful households that produce children that tend to turn out the best are the ones that are high love and high structure or high discipline. It's both. One without the other isn't very good. In fact, one of the worst households or outcomes are houses that are high discipline, low love. So you live in this extremely disciplined household that never shows love that tends to produce some pretty bad outcomes.

But if there's a lot of love you have and you have a lot of discipline you end up raising children or very self-discipline and feel very secure. So what does this look like? It looks like something like Adam said, you know, it's okay with making your kid upset because you said no to the cookie or sorry We get to turn off the video games you've played too much or no we can't you know I know you want that bike, but you know I'm not gonna buy you something every time you ask type of deal, you know or structure like this is the time We wake up. This is the time we go to bed. No, we all have dinner together I know you want to hang out with your friends, but this is what we do

But you combine that with that unconditional love and what a great environment. And to echo that word, no. It should mean no. And that sounds very like straightforward and simple, but there's been many a times where, the come back and forth with listening to the ideas and trying to sell me on something else,

but being very firm, but being nice and being gentle about it and having that already in mind that this is a boundary here. And this is something that I'm gonna be consistent in this because I have to be consistent in this, whether I like it or not, and that's a responsibility of mine. It's not a responsibility of mine

to make them comfortable, happy all the time, and be their best friend. And that's a really, I think that's a big struggle for parents in general, because you don't want the uncomfortable side of that. You don't want the meltdowns. You don't want all the stuff that inevitably is going to result from having a very firm line, but if you don't create firm lines, then there's no real understanding that you have.

So you know, as an individual, Jessica tell me, I'm one of the most disciplined people she's ever met. I work out all the time. Nutrition's always very disciplined. I go to bed at the same time. If I'm going to do something for work, I make sure I do it. If I say I'm going to do something, I do something. But when it came to my kids, after getting divorced, I did not realize that this would be

an issue for me, but it totally was. Because all of a sudden now they're at my house with me half the time, half the time with her with her mom, half the time with me, and I didn't wanna upset them. I want them to like to be at my house and I wanna shelter them. And being consistent with discipline was hard. It was hard to say no, I really struggled this with this for a little while.

I even today struggled with it a little bit, although I'm way better at it. But in the past, I would give in. Cause I'd make them upset, cause I said, no, then I start to feel bad. Oh man, I want my kids to like me. Like I want them to, you know, but it was a mistake. You have to be very consistent.

They have to know what to expect from you. And if you say no, you're totally right, Justin. And first of all, pick your nose. Yes, obviously. Cause when you say you got to stick to it, but when you say it, you're totally right, Justin. And first of all, pick your nose. Yes, obviously. Yeah, because when you say you gotta stick to it, but when you say it, make sure you stick to it. Well, I also think this leads into the next point, which is the kiss and hug them, right?

Because if you do a good job of that, it's a lot easier to say no to the other thing. Totally. If you're always the dad who says no, everything's no and you're always cold about it. Yeah, you're always cold about it. It's always no. You're always the one who drops the hammer, the disciplinary. If you paint yourself as that figure in them, this makes it really difficult. But if you do a really good job of making sure that you hug them and kiss them. I really,

I think of this again, another lesson in leadership and business, right? So one of my favorite books was One Minute Manager. The lesson in that book was, you know, before that I was taught as a manager to point out the things that somebody is doing wrong and help them fix it, right? So you're not being a very good trainer, here's what you need to do, coach them up. What that book taught me was to flip that completely

on a tent instead of always pointing out the things they're doing wrong. I'm always looking for the things that they're doing right. And if I do such a good job of kissing and hugging them or telling them all the things that they're doing well, they'll come to me when they're not doing things in right and then I could coach them up. I think the same thing applies with this when I'm trying to be a good father. If I do a really good job of telling them I love them and kissing them and hugging them

and constantly being there, the times that I drop the hammer or the times that they know they did something wrong, they're more likely to come to me and say, Dad, I fucked up. Dad, I did this. There is nothing more powerful. And I learned this from, there was a parenting, a loving logic. It's called loving logic, it's actually quite brilliant. And they make a big point about this when you discipline your kids to not be angry and to show them that you love them and to empathize with them.

And I thought, wow, that's interesting because, I mean, I was raised a little old school, so not to criticize my parents, but if I did something wrong, got disciplined, it wasn't, it was like they were mad at me at the same time. Right, emotional. But I tried this with my kids. Totally. Super powerful. Like, you know, sorry, bud, you got to take your video games away.

You can't play for, you know, for the next three days. And you know, the next day, like, oh, man, I want to play my video instead of being like no no video games I told you like I know that sucks dude. I'm sorry, but I wish you could play give him a hug Give him a hug but not be condescending give him a hug give me kiss. Yeah, I know it's tough It sucks. I know how much you like to play video. Oh my god the power It was so much more powerful to do it that way to show them Physical affection and love while disciplining, but be consistent.

It's like, man, my dad's, you know, it doesn't hate me. He's just being consistent. He's doing this at a love versus my dad just hates me. Well, also too, what they bring up with the heart rate and like how you get into like an emotional state. Like you don't want to discipline when you're in an emotional state. Oh yeah.

So to remove yourself, you know, so this is something I've always done and I took this from my dad where, you know, we have an issue. I'm going to need you to go into the room and let me think about this for a bit and let me ponder, you know, how we're going to do this. That's a lot. That's so powerful. Yeah. Because now, yeah, because now they're running it all around in their mind of like what's gonna happen and all this kind of stuff and You know a lot of times I just all walking I'll let them talk first and see what's on their mind And I might adjust whatever punishment that I had you know kind of coming in but really it's just it

It's it allows me to gain regain composure bring my heart rate level down You know bring that logical your brain, my heart rate level down, you know, bring that logical, rational side of my brain in the forefront instead of leading with my emotion. Yeah, and scare the fuck out of him. Yeah, yeah. You know what the, because I think about that, it's a powerful moment,

that too. It's a very powerful moment, right there. Well, it is, but you know what, when you punish out of emotion, just like when you do anything out of emotion, like if you make fitness goals, you know, out of like extreme motivation, you know, oh yeah, I'm gonna work out seven days a week, twice a day.

If you punish that of emotion, this is happening to me. I'll tell my kids something ridiculous like, that's it, you're grounded for a month because I'm pissed off and I'm like, damn it. Now, I have to stick to that. Yeah. You know, that's not very effective. So that's a good point.

Here's another thing with physical affection. And my family was great at this. Part of it's my culture, you know, Southern Italians tend to be very physically affectionate, but it taught me to be comfortable with physical affection as a man. And I know a lot of boys or a lot of men, the only time they show physical affection is when they're drunk or maybe in the movies when they got shot and feel the battle and all of a sudden they're talking about how much they love each other. They punch each other after that.

Yeah, it's okay to show physical affection to other men. And this is how you teach your boys. Like to this day, if I see my dad, the way I greet him is with a hug and a kiss. And it doesn't feel strange, it doesn't feel my son's 15. You know, every day I probably kiss him three, four times on the head or on the face and tell him I love him. And, you know, he's 15 years old.

It's like the peak of embarrassment for a kid. And, you know, he's 15 years old. It's like the peak of embarrassment for a kid. And, you know, I just do it and it's not that big of a deal. For girls, it teaches them, again, appropriate physical touch. This is also very important because, on the one hand, you want your daughters to know to be confident enough when physical touch is inappropriate, because I think sometimes girls are in situations

where they don't afraid to say something, and also to know when it's appropriate, when it's okay that someone hugged them and it's not inappropriate. And so kissing and hugging your kids as a father, I think is super important. The next one, this one was a tough one for me, for sure, this is one I'm still working on, which is,

let your kids fail, like let them fuck up. You know, love and logic talks about this, like the mistakes they make now are way easier than the mistakes they'll make later. It's also rule six in Jordan Peterson's 12 rules. That's a don't ever do anything for your kids that they could do for themselves. Yeah. So it's tough because I don't want my kid to get a, you know, a D on the test, but it's like, well, a D now is better than losing his job. You know, when he's older, well, a D now is better than losing his job in

our wedding's older. We just went through this because we've been having certain challenges with this remote learning and there's things that you know, you know that they're capable of doing that they're just not showing up and performing. And for me to make excuses, talk to the, you know, the teacher and, you know, what are we doing wrong? Like, no, he's not coming to perform at his best and that have to leave that on him to figure that out. And that's tough. And we've, we've had to discuss this like between me and Courtney, like how, how to intervene and how to win, when not to intervene

and allow the teacher to do their job to point these things out. And really like, you know, like they're getting it from somebody else, not from us, like sort of masking over it. So this is another really interesting one for me because I actually know I won't have a problem with this. So I'm more afraid that I might be too hard, right? I probably identify more with our good friend, Joe Dacino. And when we talk about this, right, when we talk about fatherhood and manufacturing adversity, I think about this all the time. Like where I'm at in my life now is almost a 40 year old man.

I think of the things that I went through as a child that I probably felt sorry for myself and my teens in early 20s. I now am grateful for. Because of all that adversity, it made everything else in my life so much easier. And so what I'm afraid of is that my son is going to grow up nothing like I grew up, which is a good thing, I think.

For the most part, it's a very good thing, right? I don't think he should grow up anything like how I grew up for the most part, but there is some good. There is a silver lining in all that fucking drama and bullshit that I grew up in. And the silver lining in that was it taught me how to overcome all that adversity at a very young age. So I had great practice when I went into adulthood. So I think about it all the time. In fact, our first argument or fight over the kid was this, right? So I might have shared, I don't know if I shared this in the podcast or not, but I tell Katrina that all the time. And when I see her family, so this is a, you know, shot across the bow right here,

we'll see how this lands for Katrina. I might get it for this one. But in her family, the men are soft, man. They are. Wow. The men are soft, and the women are hard as fuck though. I mean, all the women in Katrina's family are tough as nails.

They represent like most of the, her mom is like the queen of the family. Katrina's probably, I would say, second or third in charge as far as what everyone looks up to in respects. And so they have, her mom did such a good job of making sure that her daughters, her niece, all the women in the family that were independent, they were strong,

and they kind of coddled the boys and you see the difference in that. And so my fear is that she carries that behavior down into my son. Like, do not coddle my son that much. So this is our first little, our little first little scuffle with parenting was this was we were trying to teach him how to crawl and you know, as soon as he would struggle

and fuss and cry, or you should go pick him up. He's a baby, you know, pick him up and oh, it's okay and hold himself where she would catch me when I was working with him, I would let and cry, or you should go pick him up, he's a baby, you know, pick him up and oh it's okay and hold him stuff, where she would catch me when I was working with him, I would let him cry, you know, let him cry it out a little bit and come on, come on, come on Max, you can get a little bit further and I remember she got so upset one time because he like, I'm in a tear ran down his face, right? He was crying so bad when I was trying to get him to crawl one time and we had this whole conversation.

She says, you'll have plenty of time in his life to create adversity and to make things hard for him. He's a baby right now and I said, it starts now. You know, these are the little, these are the little wins like you brought up the D. Like if you, if we look, if you look at every one of these things, like, oh, he's just a kid at school,

help him with his grades or, oh, he's just this, help him with that. It's like, no, if I want to teach him, he can do this on his own. He absolutely can learn to crawl. He will. He did, you know? So I'm trying to find the right balance here, right? So I know that I'm going to be a dad who allows his kid to fail because I understand the importance of failure and adversity, probably good that I have a partner who's the extreme opposite. So we hopefully will balance and he'll get

the right amount, which brings me to the next one and this one's really important to make sure you support mom and show a united front this reminds me of a scene from the godfather one of my favorite scenes from that movie was when they were meeting with other crime families so you had the you know the godfather with his sons right the characters, they're meeting with another crime family and they're debating as to whether or not they should get into the drug business. And was a sonny, his oldest son, right? His oldest son, Sonny, as are debating or talking,

you know, the main character, the Godfather says, no, we're not interested in the drug business. And then Sonny asks questions, he goes, wait a minute, how much money can we make? And maybe we should consider this. And the dad just gives him a look, and then he shuts his mouth and then Sonny asks questions, he goes, wait a minute, how much money can we make? And maybe we should consider this and the dad just gives them a look and then he shuts his mouth and then they were done. And then when the other family left, he looked at his son and he goes, never show weakness in front of other people

with the family. And of course in the movie later on, Sonny ends up getting shot or whatever because of the family saw weakness. But it's a very good lesson because I think it's very important that you and your mom, you you and your wife or you and their mom Show that you're consistent even if you disagree Yes, if you disagree do it behind the scenes so when the kids are contradict each other Yes, when the kids are gone then you say hey look I disagree. I think this is the but in front of the kids

They should see that you got moms back no matter what and moms got your back no matter what. You are there to support each other 100% and we're the same. There's no light in between us. And that takes work very much. And this is one of those things to like a Courtney and I have really built that in over time where we really figured out our strengths, our weaknesses and where we could support each other more with that in one of the main ones that comes to my mind mainly because, again, you're talking about failure and allowing them to go through adversity,

I'm pretty hard on them sometimes. And that doesn't strike Courtney in the same way. And she gets a little frustrated with me sometimes where I make a stern point about something, but I know that this is the bud that I'm snipping. So the rest of the day isn't gonna be completely in this downward trend, in this downward spiral. I have to nip it in the bud.

And that's just something. I notice something that's going to turn into a bigger thing later and I address it really firmly. And that's something that she used to get just like crazy about it and thought that I was like being incredibly unreasonable and harsh and would sort of confront me on that a few times, initially in the beginning, because it was like, it was just something that she just didn't agree with me on. And so then we finally, I explained myself in full over the years and she's just been like, wow, yeah, this is 100% like I have your back.

So we've sort of corrected a lot of that, but just that little bit of dissension, the kids pick up on it and then boom, it's just everything unraveled in front of us. Well, that was the point that I was going to make to this is that I think this is actually one of the most important because if you don't figure this out, the kids will. So if you don't figure this out out as parents, don't worry. It'll get brought to the forefront because they will and they will use it. They will manipulate and then all that will do is cause more division and more divide

with not only your kids, but also your partner. So I think that has to be something that is laid out. This was something that was talked about well before Katrina and I had a kid. It's like, first of all, getting out all the things we agree would disagree, like, and I told you before that, I know that the adversity thing is going to be the biggest challenge for us, because it's something that we still don't see at all. But at the same time, she doesn't undermine me.

She doesn't come behind me and rescue him when I'm trying to teach a lesson. And that's the main thing that I think is most. It's my first, right. And so what she might do afterwards is when we're in the room just her and I, I'd say like, hey, that was a little rough on him. Why is when we're in the room, just her and I, and say, like, hey, that was a little rough on him.

Why did you do that? Like, why? I mean, he doesn't need to be, you don't need to do that to him. And then we'll have a nice, healthy debate and discussion over it. Like, well, no, I disagree. This is why. And that's how we come to grips with things that we don't see eye to eye. Because that's inevitable, right?

You're two different people. You probably have, you're raised differently by different parents. And so there's a very good chance. You're going to run into situations where you don't see eye on how to raise the kid, but it's very important that the kid doesn't see that. The kid sees that mom and dad always agree. They're always united and you do that in front of them.

They're a team. That's right. Together they see that. And then it's totally fine. Later on in that night, when kids are in bed or like that, you can say, listen, asshole, you were way off on that You know say maybe maybe not it's there. Yeah, you know You could tell them then and you guys have that discussion of it, but you stay United in front of them. Yeah, it's one of the most important and at the very least you say this like what you know

Mom, why are you doing you know and then they look at you dad and then you say it you're I got your mom's back So she said that that's what you got to do if you disagree you could always say that sorry. That's what your mom said So I got a back it because your mom said it. So she said that, that's what you got to do. If you disagree, you could always say that. Sorry, that's what your mom said. So I got to back it because your mom said it. Right. That way they know, well, mom says dad means and what dad says mom means to this last one, also very important. It's to remember that your words have power. And what I mean by that is this, if you're going, there's nothing wrong with criticisms. I think we're all, there's this whole thing about, like don't criticize your kids, oh no, every, okay, there's good criticisms that are constructive.

Constructive. And then there's bad criticisms that aren't. So I'll give you a good example. So let's say your kid is playing soccer with his friends or he put them in a league and they lose, okay, they lose. And you know one of the reasons why they lost is your kid just wasn't practicing enough

or really trying hard enough. Now here's bad criticism. Sun you suck. You play like crap. You're not good, you suck, right? Here's good criticism. Well you lost because you could have practiced more. Now your kid says, okay, I could practice more.

Your kid brings home a bad grade. Oh, math, that's just hard for you. You're not good at math or worse, you're dumb, you're stupid. Instead of saying, you didn't study enough. You need to study, you need to work harder if you want to get a better grade. So that's what I mean by words, half power is rather than criticizing your kid in a way that makes them feel like this is who I am.

It's criticizing things that they can change. Like they can work harder, they can try harder, they can change their actions versus, oh I'm a bad person. I like to get to those conversations with questions. questions. So if you were to be driving home from a game that was obvious, that they lost and you're hearing a lot of talk in the backseat about, well, the refs were this. I like to ask the questions. I was like, okay, and how do you feel your performance was? Individually. And why do you think that, you know, that kid scored so many goals on you guys? And, you know, and then this keeps going and going

and helps to point out, you know, the obvious. Like, you weren't out there practicing. You weren't doing what these other kids were doing and you weren't putting the work in, and therefore they're a better team, and that's just how it works. Right, and then it'd take us that further, because I would have those conversations,

I still do with my kids, and I say this, I say, look, this person did better than you did, and that's okay, there's nothing wrong with. In fact, you're probably never gonna be the best that anything in the world, because there's just so many people that are amazing at certain things, and that's okay too, I said said, but if you want to be better, you know you got to work harder. So it's up to you. If you're okay with losing, that's fine then. But if you want to win and you

want to beat the other team, you just got to practice more. No, I think this goes even further back. So you guys both alluded to stories related to kids playing sports, so we're looking at five years or older. And the most malleable years for kids, as far as their brain development is between five and seven. So it begins, it begins even before that, but that's the most malleable years, right? So they are just this recording machine. They are recording and downloading everything that's around them. That's why I alluded earlier about Katrina leaving the room even when there's negative energy. If somebody is in there spreading gossip Talking negative about maybe their spouse or friend or some bullshit at work

I we don't even want max to be around that and hearing that and picking that up and I'll give you a funny example of My best friend whose their kid is about a about eight months older than than max so they get to experience things a little bit for and by eight months older than Mac. So they get to experience things a little bit for. And this is a bit funny because it's how it can't, what happened, but it also demonstrates how powerful your actions as parents and as words can be even already at this young of an age before two years old.

So they're trying to potty train their son right now. And one of the things that they would be playful, because he's understanding, you know, and then, and reactions and facial expressions. When he would poop, they'd go, oh, gross, yucky. And they would say that to him, like, let's go to the toilet. And they're, and they had their intentions were right, right? They had good intentions, they're trying to teach him that. But what ended up happening? Because they, every time that they would smell and see a poopy diaper, one of would say, something like, ew, gross. It started to make him feel ashamed of pooping his pants or pooping in the diaper. So then he began to hide every time that he had to go to the bathroom. And now it's an even greater challenge for them to teach him how to go to the bathroom.

I use that as an example because of this is an area where the intentions were pure and they mean well by what they're trying to do, but just to highlight how powerful the actions and the words that we say in front of these kids when they're so young like that and you gotta be thinking like that all the time that if you yell something out loud or you're screaming at the football game that you're watching, I mean those kids are just sitting there downloading all that information and even if you have good intention, be aware of the things that you say watching. I mean, those kids are just sitting there downloading all that information. And even if you have good intention, be aware of the things that you say in front of them because of power.

Totally. Here's another one. And this one is not so obvious. And I'm so happy I read about this before I had children. I thought this was so brilliant. Instead of telling your kids that they're so smart or so talented or so good at something.

So good-looking. So good looking. Yeah, instead of doing that, which there's nothing necessarily wrong with that, but what that may do is reinforce in your child's mind that, oh, I'm so smart, everything should come easy to me. And then the second they encounter a challenge, they might not even wanna do that challenge

because, well, I'm smart and I don't want anybody to know that I'm not smart with this or this is tough and they run away from it. So instead of that, I like to compliment things that I know that are very useful like, your kid comes and shows you art and it's really good instead of saying, wow, you're a talented artist. You say something like, I can tell you really enjoy doing that and you spend a lot of time on that. And that will just reinforce that.

Oh yeah, I'm somebody that likes to spend time on things or I'm a hard worker versus I'm smart things need to come easy to me or I'm talented, this needs to come easy to me. Just some examples of how much power your words have. Look, my pump is recorded on videos as well as audio, come check us out on YouTube, my pump podcast. You can also find us on Instagram, including Doug, the producer.

So you can find Doug at Mind Pump Doug. You can find Justin at Mind Pump Justin, me at Mind Pump Sal and Adam at Mind Pump Adam. Thank you for listening to Mind Pump. If your goal is to build and shape your body, dramatically improve your health and energy, and maximize your overall performance, check out our discounted RGB Superbundle at MindPumpMedia.com. The RGB Superbundle includes maps and a ballac, maps performance, and maps aesthetic. Nine months of phased, expert exercise programming designed by Sal Adam and Justin to systematically transform the way your body looks, feels, and performs.

With detailed workout blueprints in over 200 videos, the RGB Superbundle is like having Sal and an adjustment as your own personal trainer's butt at a fraction of the price. The RGB Superbundle has a full 30-day money bag guarantee, and you can get it now plus other valuable free resources at MindPumpMedia.com. If you enjoy this show, please share the love by leaving us a five star rating and review on iTunes and by introducing MindPump to your friends and family. We thank you for your support and until next time, this is MindPump. you