Mind Pump: Raw Fitness Truth - 157: Spooky Tales & Sparkly Taints (Part Deux)

Episode Date: September 30, 2015

Justin tells of his brushes with the supernatural in this spooky pre-Halloween episode. Oh, and some nasty pranks and bathroom hygiene thrown in for good measure.

If you want to pump your body and expand your mind, there's only one place to go. MIND, MIND, MIND, MIND, MIND, MIND, with your hosts. Salda Stefano, Adam Schaefer, and Justin Andrews. We're on... Hooray, hooray, hooray, hooray, hooray, hooray, hooray, hooray, hooray, hooray, hooray, hooray, hooray, hooray, hooray, hooray, hooray, hooray, hooray, hooray, hooray, hooray, hooray, hooray, hooray, hooray, hooray, hooray, hooray, hooray, hooray, hooray, hooray, hooray, hooray, hooray, hooray, hooray, hooray, hooray, hooray, hooray, hooray, hooray, hooray, hooray, hooray, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, lift things, throw it. Considering I had like one hour sleep last night, I'm super pumped right now. You almost said exhaustive, liar. Why don't you have one hour sleep? It was hot last night, dude. I do not sleep well.

I hate hot. You don't have air conditioning? I do blowing right on my ass too. So pork attrition. Up it? She's in the room and she's like, like the air, the air condition air is blowing off your ass into the rest of the air.

He needs a certain core temperature in his butt hole. This is constantly, so he's got to blow that air in there. It's at the ass. Literally, this is what it looks like in my house in the middle of the night. Oh, I know. I've got one of those portable ACs. And you know, it keeps for my master bedroom, as long as like the master bedroom is cold or cool, I'm fine.

Like the rest I can bear that I'm never in the house all day long. I'm fucking gone all day. So as long as my bedroom is cold and cool, it keeps, and I know people are going to be like, whoo, because it keeps it below 70, but I like my room like low 60s. Yeah, you basically are polar bear. He sets it to Arctic breathe. I do. And literally Katrina has the comforter.

That sounds like he's doing shh. It sounds like a perfume. Yeah. What's that smell just did? Oh, it's Arctic Breeze. Thank you for noticing. It does that so good right there. Oh, that just reminds me of I have to tell you this story.

Yeah, go. Go to the storage. Listen to this. This happened to me yesterday, okay? So I gotta set the stage for this. So when, does that orange theory, okay? So I'm at orange theory and it's the four o'clock class is what I teach.

I always get there about a half hour, 45 minutes early, just so I can see what the workout is. I guess you're a good, you're just a good employee. Yeah, exactly. You know what I mean? Yeah, perfect. So I'm responsible. Yeah. So I go down there, Dave is the GM.

So buddy of mine, he's been in the fitness industry for a very long time. You know, we hit it off from the moment we met and started working together. Really loved the dude. And I'm in there and I come in early and we're kind of always, you know, Josh and back and forth and stuff, having a good time. And he looks over at me and he goes, hey bro, you had to go to the bathroom? And I'm like, no, I'm like, why? He's like, come with me.

No, no, he goes, he goes, cuz bro, I gotta go in there. And you don't wanna come in there after me. He's also, he's already closing people out of going to the bathroom. Adam's brilliant, this is Adam, this is Adam. My friend, coolest guy I ever really like. And he said, awesome guy, now I'm gonna tell a story about how he told the audience to the bathroom. Adam is brilliant. This is Adam. This is Adam. My friend coolest guy ever really liked it. He said awesome guy.

Now I'm gonna tell a story about how he told the audience to take a spooky chair. Yeah, right. Okay. I had to say the stage, right? He's a disgusting beast. So, but listen, this is great right here, right? So, why this is so good?

I've told my girl a story and she's, she's dying laughing. She's like, what makes it so funny is this is so out of character for you as it is. And what I mean by out of character is, I'm not one to do something to someone else that I can't take myself. Like so I don't want to embarrass you. If I'm going to embarrass you, it's to a level where you could take it back.

I could take it back, right? Because I know you could come back, right? Did you video-taste? Tell me no, no, no. Just tell me you went over the loudspeaker and announced it to everybody. No, listen to what I'm saying. That's loud of them. She's got that.

She's got that. She's got that. She's got that. She's got that. She's got that. She's got that. She's got that. She's got that.

She's got that. She's got that. She's got that. She's got that. She's got that. She's got that. She's got that. She's got that.

She's got that. She's got that. She's got that. She's got that. She's got that. She's got that. So he goes in there and I know only one person can take a shit. Yeah, yeah, unless you want to take a shit like your friend and the urinal It's peeing like that before so that being never fun that being said I know that if I go in there that it's just him and I in there so I can be funny and like give him a hard time While he's taking it, you know, but it interrupts his privacy right? So I give him a few minutes to give him like four or five minutes to get in there You can get situated because you know when you're gonna go do what business like that. It's like that's a production Yeah, it's a production you probably take take your shoes off, you get your iPhone,

I get your Instagram. Picture shoot or something. I got a special pillow I'm bringing. Yeah, right? So I gotta get all comfortable myself to. It's not shit, pillow. I walk, I go in there, right? So I go, okay, I'm gonna go mess with them, right?

So it's been a few minutes. So I go walking in. Now, okay, you have to know this too about the orange theory the way this works is, if you're there a half hour before a class there's nobody there because Everyone shows up like five minutes before you've already signed up for a class you have a reserved spot So there's no reason for you to even get to the gym until it's time to start flood doesn't start till five minutes So it's really just us employees in there right we're just just as employees there great time to shit

The only time somebody gets there like a half hour earlier something like that is if it's their very first time there and they have to learn everything. So, you know, I know that it's just Dave and the employees that are there. So I go, you still have his heart rate monitor on? No, he didn't. What? Using the red zone.

Using the brown zone. Using the brown zone. Damn it. So I go walking in, okay. I go walking in. And it does smell awful. It smells awful. And when I walk in, of course I have to make a big deal.

Oh my God, Jesus Christ, who's just in here, it's just real loud, really loud. I'm making a big scene inside the bathroom. But it's like I said, it's just me and him inside there. So, not a big deal. Not a big deal, right? But then he doesn't say anything to me. And I can see his feet underneath the fucking door.

So I know he's like, no. And so I'm like, I'm like, oh no. His mother fucking is, he doesn't say anything to me, right? So I'm pissing I never happened and I get done pissing and I'm washing my hands and out walks a new member It's fucking first day of the job I'm washing my hands and he looks at me with a reflection of my knees. It's like, hey, I'm just keeps walking I'm like, oh, I feel like such a dick row and I'm like, I'm so my hands and he looks at me with the reflection of the mirror. He's just like, hey, I'm just keeps walking on my oh I feel like such a dick row and I'm like I'm so embarrassed right now. I want to go in barris day

But I haven't been barris somehow that you get oh Did you say to him oh so okay, so you're a green star right so you after you're what we call a first-timer It's called a green star their first time inside the gym never been that he's never been in there before what a great Experience so he was inside. He's already making an impact. He was inside the stall Changing his clothes and putting his heart rate monitor on and all I saw was feet under there David just told me he was walking in there to shit. It smells like shit So I just assumed that he was still in there taking the He is right and outlocks this brand new member dude and I love so bad

So when they got the guys about to take my class, so I'm like, this sucks. I totally talk about starting off on the wrong foot here. This guy's not gonna sign up for sure. Things I'm an asshole. So I had to walk over to him and I said, dude, I'm so sorry. I said, my buddy Dave said he was going in there to take a big shit.

And when I walked in, I smelled it. And I thought he was still in there. And I totally didn't really really and he totally played it off And he goes, oh, it's okay, bro. I didn't even hear you and you did. Oh bro, I screamed like Once all bathroom you and I like I made a big deal about it for like 30 seconds It was just like I want to go gross. I want oh my god This big old deal I cannot believe he didn't say anything to So embarrassed, dude. Oh, I felt like such a dick. What a fuzz that guy.

I just be like, if I shit, you wouldn't know. I then just walked away. You know, that's his only comeback. Oh, did just imagine being that guy, though, when you walk out your first time at this facility, you don't know what's going on. You walk out. You see this tattooed.

See, I don't care anymore. I don't care. I told you I get lost at it. I don't care. I'm with you. I used to be the guy in the bathroom. You gotta take a poop and someone walks in and you wait for some kind of noise to drop the dues

because you don't want anybody here you're shitting even though you're in the bathroom on the toilet. I don't care now. Well you gotta pinch it just, you know, so it's squeaking. That's not like a, oh, oh, oh, a, oh, now I'm just like, boom. Yeah, take that. You can't just relax. Now you can relax.

We are those guys that don't get, yeah. And I would too, I would handle that. Oh, I'll count and high five. I would walk out. I have a buddy that we would, if we went out and drank, this was his signature move and it's the, it fucking kills me every time. It's like the funniest thing, but it's so stupid.

We would get hammered, go out drunk, go in the bathroom, he'd go to the urinal and he'd pull his pants all the way down to his ankle to pee in the urinal. So he looks like a two-year-old taking a piss. I love it, you know? It's the stupidest thing, but it's hilarious. And then you walk behind him and slap him in the ass and say, get in the game, right in the cheeks.

Well, what were we doing? I know Justin remembers this. I don't know if you do remember the posts that I did of the guy that pulls his pants down like this. Yes. Yeah. Dude, he went viral. They took that down.

Yeah, it's a great comment. He went viral. So it literally hit like 10,000 people like within like an hour, bro. And you got trouble. Oh, yeah. And then they ripped it off. Come on. That was such a good one.

It was such a good post. It was so like, I took a picture over, like I was taking a selfie because it was in the reflection of the mirror. And in the reflection of the mirror, is this like probably 45, 50 year old man to get a piss with his fucking under or his pants all the way down to the back of his knees.

That's probably my friend. So all you see is his bare white ass, like why are you standing at the urinal? I'm just like, It's doing it gangster. It's comfortable that way, I think, yeah. You know what I mean? You're just, you're feeling that for a ripper.

It feels, right? Don't think I haven't tried it. I've tried it, it just feels weird. It's comfortable that way. I think you're you know, I mean you're just Don't think I haven't tried it. I've tried it just feels weird. It's natural. No, it doesn't feel that why not it feels weird It's natural. You know be even better as if you get like those basketball warm-ups and then just take it off Start peeing. What about the dude? I'm doing what about the dudes that don't Pull like they're wearing shorts. They don't pull down the shorts. They pull out the leg. To pull out the leg. That is the funniest thing you ever see that shit? Oh, all the time.

So you walk behind the guy and he's got one like short leg. Like a little hidden creature in there. Yeah, your feet. And it's like it's pulled away up in his crotch because he wanted to pull. He had to pull his dick out through the bottom part of his shorts. Which come on, bro. Sorry, man. Yeah, that's good. It's pulled away up in his crotch because he wanted to pull. He had to pull his dick out through the bottom part of his shorts. Which, come on, bro. Yeah, sorry, man.

It's how it works. Yeah, even the biggest dick doesn't even need to have that done. You know what I'm saying? Like, to me, that's so over-going and so fun. It's like, look at me, I'm pushing on the side of my shorts. This is because I can. Because I can. No.

The turtle's coming out. Hey, I do, I wear skinny jeans and I still can do that. Hey Justin, I want you great. I want you to tell us, you've been, Justin has been, you brought this up like five times already. I didn't bring it up. No, it's a good to tell my ghost story. I brought it up like, when we first started podcasts,

and I have like stories. I gotta go start. I get fucking muscled out with Jim and all these other stories you guys have. That's not true. You just because you start a story then you end it like right the middle well. That's very true. Yeah, just it was just it was December 24. It was a cold winter like oh my god.

I get to the point. So that's not how it is. Are you guys you guys sign filled fans? Do you guys watch sign filled? Yeah, yeah, I love sign filled and I don if you're, I've seen every single episode. I don't remember if you remember this episode where George, he talks about how you leave a, leave a story early in the room. He has a hard time telling stories and some of that.

So they talk about that. And he talks about you got to learn to leave right on the climax. As soon as you get a laugh, or what about that? Just poop. Just walk around. Okay, all right. Yeah, so he's like in a meeting, he's like talking. And he says that we're moving.

That's fun. I get that room. Everybody's chuckles and he just walks out of the room. So I remember, he's like talking. That's part of where I get that room. Everybody chuckles, and he just walks out of the room. So you gotta leave him a high. That's it, then. Well, so it came up again, because in the forum, one of our forum members is asking about, you know, say something about yourself that nobody knows or, you know, whatever.

And so this guy posts, he has a fear of closets, and it has to do with ghosts. So reminded me, fuck, he's been wanting to tell this ghost story. But before you do, this is what I think of people who tell ghost stories. For me personally, I hope you don't get offended. It reminds me of people that look at like the pyramids. Aliens are real. Like they look at the pyramids, right?

Or they look at some ancient something and they're like, oh my God. How did humans build this so long ago? It must have been fucking aliens. They go from one end, you know, for the discussion starts over here and they're like, it's aliens. So people with ghost stories, it makes me think. So that's what it's like, I heard it in a way.

It was a ghost. I know. All right, so tell you something. Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait. Thanks for setting me up. The asshole. The aliens didn't build the pyramids. No. I just, I just, I just makes me, I don't know, maybe they did, but the aliens didn't build the pyramids

I just I just makes me I don't know maybe they did but they probably didn't is all I'm saying It's because you ignore like you know 50% of what's going on in the world Oh, is it yeah, that's why my soul my brother-in-law is a big alien like and I don't say there's not aliens I just don don't think they fucking came here a lot years away from some distant galaxy. You believe in string theory, right? Super, super, maybe, yeah. Yeah, there's dimensions, pal. Super advanced species. Yeah.

They come here and they're like, hey, we just discovered this new species of creature. Let's build some fucking pyramids for them and leave. Yeah. I don't know, it just seems weird. I mean, it doesn't make any sense. Yeah, I know. I actually love watching those shows

because I just love their conspiracy ideas and like, it's so good, it's like the best story's ever. Cause I can make some shit up too. I'm saying, but like I watch it, like it's like the most awesome story, you know. All right, so I wanna hear about your ghost story. So I have a lot of stories. Why are you afraid of closets? That's what you said, you said that in the forum. Yeah, because and I had to preface that that I'm not stuck in the closet

Yeah, he's way out. I'm scared of the closet Yeah, so when I was a kid and oh god, why do you have to sell that shit? You know self-conscious about it. Oh, you sell your fucking idiot. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no when I had this childish kind of brain, and I was only sticking with my prefrontal cortex, I was experiencing weird phenomena. So tell us about it halfway. Any ways. So, is this before after you played football, I hit really fast.

Really fast. I'll take that one. I'll take that one. Yeah, no, this is before. I was in, and this was in my own house. And so I've had weird dreams and weird things happen to me. I'm not lying. Weird shits happen to me.

I woke up in the middle of the night and there was like a light on. And so I thought rationally, you know know somebody left the light on or whatever and you know it just basically what happened was there's this shadow that started forming that came underneath my door and through the light and it basically created this image of this thing and it was like a smoky black color and then all of a sudden FOOM! It went right back under the door, left, the light was off, everything was off, and I woke up freaking the fuck out! And then I went back to sleep thinking nothing of it. My brother, he wakes up the next morning, he has the same description, the same thing that happened to him.

You know, that morning, so we were tripping out about that, right? same description, these same thing that happened to him, you know, that morning. So we were tripping out about that, right? Well, that's just, did you guys, were dreaming it? Were you guys growing up at the same rooms? Were you guys actually in that room? Wow, separate rooms. Wow, separate rooms.

So the entity visited you, right down the science nerd. So, no, not yet, because I got way more. Oh, like that was like my first experience. And then like in the closet being the closet like, so I grew up in a pretty religious home. And so obviously, there's fanciful things about paranormal things like demons and all these kinds of things.

And so all that stuff, like when I used to sit in church, like this is where a whole tattoo thing came from because I would focus on imagery. And so anyways, like, when I talk about like the closet, I was, I was reading the Bible and all of a sudden, like, all these crazy noises and like shit was, was flying in my, my closet and like knocking stuff over and all this kind of stuff. And then, you know, I stopped and I was freaking out. I'm like, this is crazy. And so I stopped.

And I mean, it kind of went away for a while. Like I didn't have any more like weird experiences, but then in college, you know, I actually, it was like thrilling almost the fact that like I would reflect back on those stories and like, oh, that was weird. You know, that wasn't real. None of that really happened, whatever. And so we're trying to like scare each other and we're going on this trip. It was like Halloween.

And we were in, I think it was in Iowa. And there was this like old abandoned church that was out in like a corn field. And it was like, this is how horror movie start, you know, totally and we're just like freaking each other. And so, you know, whatever you want to call it as far as we're all just getting hyped like, I'm trying to like, you know, push my buddy into into it and like, you go in, you go in and he grabs the handle of the church. And he's just like, oh, I'm like, stop fucking with me. Yeah. They stop messing with me. And he's like, dude, he's like, grab that handle, dude. It freaking burned my hand. And so I went went up to the to the handle of the church

And it was like I grabbed onto it and it seriously scolded my hand and it left like a crazy big red Like mark on my hand that got burned and I was just like Then we ran and you know, I said obviously Obviously that was fucking demons. I mean obviously. mean obviously there's no other way. There's more Okay, so yeah before we rationalize all of these events. I'm gonna collect Some data for you there, so you can put in your computer and you can fucking Put it all together for me in a nice rational manner Anyway, so basically the next the next time I had an experience,

I was with my friend. We were at this, actually at local up in Boulder Creek and Boulder Creek, I had some weird shit going on. They have like witches and all this like weird stuff up there in those mountains. And I'm serious. Yeah, if you go on research it. You do, if you go online and look it up boulder Creek is

It's crazy. It's a hot bed of paranormal craziness. Well, just weird people. I mean that yeah, I know you did So I felt the the sarcastic immediately coming out of the mouth anyways So like I was up my friend lived in this it was like a child care center like a long time ago But like they had rented it out and Well fuck. I mean here we go dead children. Here we go. That's always fucking ghost. Thank you Don't try and you know I'm getting there So we always needed a place to jam because I was like trying to really hard to make this band happen. And, and so me and my friend, uh, one of my other friends was upstairs and we were downstairs.

And yes, we did have some drinks. So you can put that one up there is a possibility. Well, they say that when you're intoxicated, you actually become more in touch with, uh, the spirit. That's another bullshit. It's bad. I just meant that I'm too. And so anyway, I tell you the column spirits. Right.

It is. It is. I put the spirits into your mouth. Hey, Doug's on Eagle. So fuck off. That's what I'm saying. But Doug's on Eagle. So he's on my team. But look at Doug right now.

Look at just looking at him for two seconds. Okay. He does kind of take on All right, it's this whole dog me in turns into Doug the spread eagle show him what I'm talking to this No, no He really did it. Did you see that? Anyway, so We're jamming like I have like I have an amp and I have an electric guitar My friend has an electric guitar and he writes this

This I'm sorry, bro, but it was a fucking stupid song It's like evil dead We were just watching you guys are playing heavy metal. You're obviously gonna some mean the devil exactly cuz he likes heavy Well quit interrupting. He has a hard enough time starting stories. I was I'm on a roll anyways He has a hard enough time telling stories. For about a second. I was, I'm on a roll. Anyways, so he's, he's playing this song. He starts repeating this part of the chorus.

It's like evil dead in my head, evil dead in my head. And we're like jamming on it and everything. And we keep playing. And then we hear this weird voice in the background, like singing with us. And it's like evil dead in the background singing with us. And it's like, he will tell me right here, he will tell. And then it was like, and it was even higher, started going even higher pitch,

and we both stopped playing immediately. And I was looking at him and he was like, at me, I'm like, dude, you fucking, like body language wise, you find me here this dude, you hear this? And he's just like, good. And so I stopped playing in the thing kept singing it was like I kept going I

And then it started trailing off and it's like And then it fucking like faded out like no, I'm sorry. I forgot that I unplugged the amp So that it was not like it was any kind of reverb or any kind of like feedback and And it kept singing and then it went away and then we just stopped and we're like oh shit we went up and told my friend he was high. He was I dropped the mic right there. I just dropped the mic and I'm done. So rationalize please.

Um fuck. I don't know how I So rationalize, please. Um, fuck. I don't know how I can rationalize that. You obviously, that was obviously ghosts and demons and shit, bro. Right. So, I don't know what to tell you. Well, if you go by this guy's theory, it's a glitch in the matrix is what it was.

Yeah, well that's why I brought up strength theory because we all have versions of ourselves and other dimensions. And maybe I was talking to myself who was messing with myself and also singing the song too. Singing the song, right? Because you are a dick. I am.

You were totally fucked with you. I bullied you this shit. If you were another dimension and you found yourself, what would you do? I would be like, fuck with you. I would be like, Bill and Ted, right? Yeah. So, you know, you dick Bill. And he pushes himself off the cliff.

Yeah. So that's just like that. Yeah, I'll give you, I'll tell you a story. I'll tell you a ghost story. So, do I have one? Do I have one? Well, maybe, kind of. So, you tell your smirk already.

So, I used to work with, my whole staff was women. And there was these two girls that were super into this kind of stuff, like spirits and energies and the universe and all that kind of stuff. This is when you run that strip club? Yeah, it's true. But a boom, it's like about a being but call. So they used to talk about this kind of stuff all the time.

The stars align today, that's why everybody's acting weird or, you know, I'm in a bad mood because it's a full moon. Like, that was always the explanation for. Now I'm the eternal skeptic for anything, anything I'm a skeptic. Now I can't disprove it, but the burden of proof lies in the person who's making the claim. So that's what that's usually where I leave things out. Anyhow, so we're sitting there one day we're training clients

and it's just me and my client and her and her client. And in the front of the gym, we had a punching bag. Well, we had the doors open because it was hot. The mail man comes in to drop off the mail and he's super quiet, doesn't make any noise. And what he does, he walks by the punching bag and he kind of pushes it with his hand a little bit and then walks out. She didn't see this.

So she turns around and she looks at the punching bag and she makes his face and then she looks at me, she goes, Sal, Sal, look at the punching bag. And I knew what happened, I saw the guy. And I look at him like, why is it moving? She goes, I told you, I knew it, today was weird. Just crazy shit, crazy energy's in here right now.

And I look at her and I'm like, the fucking mailman pushed it with his hand and stuff. But the reason why I'm telling that story is, because it's like the first place she went was a ghost. Yeah, that was her first. That was the first fucking place. Why is that the first place? You go, there's about a million things you could live

before that day. Well, that's just so serious. Yeah, if you're looking for it and you're focused on it. Like, and this is a stupid example, but like if you just bought like a Ford Bronco, you just start noticing everybody with a Ford Bronco. That's very true. Yeah.

So Adam, do you have any ghost stories? I don't have ghost stories, but you guys just reminded me of something, God, I feel God off of this. Boy, if my brother's listening to this, I don't think my brother listens to this. Bro, I love you if you are and I just thought of something that God, I don't think we've ever talked about this. So my younger brother, who's my step brother, he is three and a half years younger than me. And when we were younger, my mom used

to like to leave us alone when we were young kids So she would leave my me and my sister who's one year younger than me and we'd be responsible for our younger siblings well It's me and my cousin and we're the same age and we've got my little brother with us who's three four years now I have to be a senior fourth grade. What are you in fourth grade nine? Okay, so I'm like eight or nine years old He's so he's about five or six years old and we're home alone. And we used to live up in the country, up in the hills, and we had this house with the living room was all these big picture windows. It was literally like six picture windows all the way all the way around. And we're up on the top of this hill and now I look back now and it was God there's these we used to have beautiful skies because we were up north, so we're a little bit closer.

So I don't know if you, when you go up camping, you guys ever noticed that you can see the Milky Way and you can see things that we can't see through the fucking layer of small down here and stuff, right? So the sky would just look just extraordinary compared to what we see down here. And it was one of these, these, these nights where it looked crazy. The sky looked like it was on fire, purple and red, and just the whole thing was these clouds and colored like that.

And it was, you could hear the thunder coming and stuff like that. And my little brother was getting kind of scared. And instead of like, oh, this is so bad. I can't tell this to him. You were a dick. Oh, God. So it's your five year old. Yeah.

He's 26. He's 26. Oh, that's better. Yeah, please year old. Yeah, he's a little. He's probably six. He's probably six. Oh, that's better. Yeah, please, please. Oh, he's no more than six years old. Welcome to the real world, motherfucker. Well, remember, I'm only like an eight or a nine year old.

So I'm not like this, like mature smart kid. And I'm just a little punk kid, right? With his little brother, his punk brother, that he's trying to punk, right? And my cousin used to. But it did. So we start telling him that the world's coming to an end. No. And this is the beginning of it.

And so we get, we got so bad. I think we even pushed it to the point where he was, he was close to crying. But we definitely pushed it far enough to where we got him to sit down and write down a will of all the things that he knew. All this toys. Fighting for all this toys he wanted to give away.

And this and that, who he wanted to say goodbye to. And we had him write all this stuff out. to give away and this and that who you want to think it by tune Oh my god, we had to write all this stuff out. Yeah, no, I feel awful for that So this is this is me saying because I did not even think of that memory until right now Bro, you just you just reminded me of all the horrible shit. I did the my siblings. Yeah Bro, I did some shit One time my mom left me home with my brother who's What he's six years younger than me. I don't know how old I was.

I must have been 12, so he's probably six. And he would do anything I tell him because he looked up to me. So I thought, I'm like, oh, it's gonna be so, like I said, put your hands up to your face, like at home alone, you know, the kid puts his hands up next to his cheeks or whatever. And I said, I'll duct tape.

I'll duct tape your hands to your head. So I wrapped his head and his hands in duct tape for your hands, to your head. So I wrapped his head and his hands in duct tape. So it's like he stuck his own head. And then, and then, and then, and he let you do. He let me, he just fucking let me do whatever I want. So he let me do that. And then he chased me around and we'd laugh

and I crack out because, and he'd be like, I can't get my hands off and I'd die laugh at that laugh. So then it's like, oh, it's time to take the duct tape off. Cause mom's coming home. Well, I use the fucking gray, like the hardcore gray. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I'm talking about? The one that you could, I could literally

probably strengthen a car with, like it's strong if you use it properly. So we tried to take it off and that shit wasn't coming off, dude. So I had to put him in the shower, and I had to cut his hair and shit to get that out. And that little guy, he was crying, I'm like, fuck, hurry up, mom's coming home. So after he gets out of the shower,

he's like, he's not tearing up and shit. So I had a pocket knife that he loved. So I said, I'm gonna give you this. If you promise not to tell mom, he never told. Oh, no, we're duct taping his hands to him. She didn't pick up on the choppy haircut. No, no, he never told on me. Bro, I used to fucking do horrible,. You know what else I used to do?

My if one of them would wake up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and I woke up I'd sneak at their room And I did this to both my brother and my sister and I'd go under their bed Yeah, so I did this to my sister what I went under her bed She went to the bathroom went to the bed and I waited under her bed until she got in bed Oh my god, and I'd wait like I would, I was such a dickless, I would wait like a good amount of time, like they need to be asleep for this shit to work. You know what I'm saying?

So I'd wait like 10 minutes patiently, and then I'd put my hands under their bed and I'd like shake it, jolt it a little bit. Oh my God. So I could hear them wake up, and then I'd like, just shake the fuck out of it. Like, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, and they'd be like, ah, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, but looking back, I'm like, God, those were kind of mean, you know, but yeah, they were mean, but I thought they were funny as a kid and you did,

I didn't mean any harm. And my sister and I, we laugh about all time because she was definitely being one year younger than me and she always bring her girlfriends over like she was the one to get all the time. And I remember one time, this is the same house in that big living room. We used to have the a wood fire stove. You know, those black, big black ones in the whole house, right? So, had one of those wood fire stoves,

and my sister was like, really good about saving her money. Like, she used to say, whatever change your dollars, or anything that she ever got as a young kid, she used to always save it. So, and we used to tease her about being stingy with her money and stuff like that. Well, I got a quarter and I said it was hers, but at first I put it on the hot stove for like five minutes. Oh my God.

And she was in the other room and then I knocked it off the stove real quick so it was onto the ground. And then I yelled, I said, Cassie, I took your quarter and then she come running in. She said, oh, she sees a quarter. She grabs it, picks the quarter up and screams because it fucking scolds her head. She's got fucking Washington and her fucking hand, right?

That's what it's. And so I got big trouble for that one. I got in big trouble one time too, and she had a friend over and we used to have to rotate like as kids, one night I had to cook dinner and one night I had to set the table, one night I had to do dishes and we all rotated. My mom was smart about putting us all to work really early.

So she, it was my night to set the table. Well, part of setting the tables, you get all the we all rotated. My mom was smart about putting us all to work really early. So she was my night at the set the table. Well, part of setting the tables, you get all the settings all out, you get everybody in glass of water and you pour everybody in glass of water. So I think it's a good idea to put vinegar in my sister and her friends, glass of water instead of water.

So I pour everybody else in glass of water and then I pour vinegar in the airs. And when we're gonna start dinner and then we say gray, after we say gray, so everybody goes to the challenge. And my sister takes a big ass cope with that vinegar. Pula outspits all this vinegar, all over the table and all over the food.

That's the one. Yeah, so I got pretty big trouble for that one. Almost as much trouble as I got in for, you remember when you guys used to put shaving cream on someone's hand and you tickled their face? It was like a slap, yeah, yeah. That actually, that work. So if you get somebody who sleeps hard enough, it actually is hilarious to do that to them

So this became like a prank that we were doing all the time because I could not be on you instead Yeah, I couldn't believe that actually worked that this that people would just keep slapping themselves in the face with all this shaving cream If you take it works so well, so I got my buddies over my sisters sisters got our friend over, and of course we're waiting till they fall asleep, and we're gonna do the shaving cream trick. Well, going to the bathroom is no shaving cream. You're also we put razor blades. Well, so I'm going through the medicine cabinet, I'm looking for some sort of phoney, soapy thing,

like what could be funny to like get an only thing I could find is this tube of desicent. No, so I squeeze desicent. That's fucking diaper rash. Yeah, it's diaper rash. And let me tell you, when you put a bunch of it in, it works like plaster. So my sister fucking black hits herself in the face,

puts this desicent all over her face. And then when she goes up in the middle of the night to wipe it off, she just wipes it off, goes back to sleep. So she wakes up and her whole side of her face is bleached. It blustes on her face. Oh my God. So she wakes up and like her whole side of her face is like bleached. It like blustes out of my mouth. So she couldn't go to school the next day.

My mom was pissed. My sister was pissed for that one. Yeah, when you're the oldest, you're pretty much a tyrant until you grow up a little bit and realize that you're, yeah, I just need to be my brother. Just straight forward. Just kick his ass all the time.

Just ran him after him. I could so see that too That's just so isn't that so our personality? I'll be like the little conniving Clever's Justin just like hey come here Yeah, I just kicked holes and doors and punched walls and yeah, I'll let you actually did I was kind of I did clever funny stuff more with like Kids that were younger than me Maybe that's the thing right because Me and me and my best friend was this girl growing up and we were we were next door and I had no idea Did this I don't even know if I told this on the podcast or not, but it's one of those I feel like super bad for. Like I can't believe. This is your apology. I had no, I apologize.

Let it go. Barrett, I'm sorry bro. Basically, what happened was we were playing, what was it? We were eating, we were eating some crackers and he was like, I want some crackers or whatever. Or no, no, I'm sorry, I screwed that up. It was brownies. We were eating brownies. And so we're eating brownies and all this stuff and he's screwed that up. It was brownies. We were eating brownies and

So we're eating brownies and all this stuff and he's like, I want to eat brownie. You guys got any more brownies? I'm like, oh yeah, I got brownie. Yeah, brownie. So I went and to go grab the brownie on this table and like I look on the ground and there was like some dog shit. No, you did wow You put dogs I put a sandwich of like brown you can't do it. You can't do it I know I know I feel horrible you crossed the line But I seriously I'm actually black like blocked out of my memory

That's horrible. He told me this like way later in life. What did he do? He took a bite of the dog shit. I was like dude. I was like how can you even talk to me right now? Like that's like horrible. Did I tell you guys about the time I had to take a shit in the backyard? No What you got locked out of your house? I had to take a shit in the backyard bro. Did people see you bro? I was I was like let's, how old are you in sixth grade 11? 11, 12? So I'm like 11, so I'm like old enough

to be really embarrassed about stuff. And I'm walking home and my mom never would give me a key to the house because she was always like, you're gonna lose it and then someone will have a key to the house. So sometimes she would be home and sometimes she wouldn't be and I'd have to wait. And this has happened to me before.

I did not, first of all, when I was a kid, I couldn't shit anywhere but my house. Like, it just wasn't gonna happen. So I held it. And so at the end of the school day, it's like, this needs to happen. It's been brewing all day. Been brewing.

So I'd walk home. And of course, you can't run home when you need to shit. You have to walk. Because if you run, things get jared. Oh yeah. You might have an accident. So I'd walk home and I would break in through the bathroom window. Well, I told her about this and I said, Mom, I had to break in through

the bathroom window again because you don't give me a key. And she's like, Oh, you can do that. So little do I know she puts a new lock on the bathroom window fast forward. I don't know how much forward, maybe a month later, the shit happens again. I'm walking home and I'm like, this is bad. And it's hot and you know, it hits you in waves. It's like, you gotta start, you gotta stick and block the onslaught and then you get a little break for two seconds.

So this is happening all the way home. I get home and I try to break open the bathroom window and it ends up moving. So I'm yanking on this thing. It's not moving. And I'm like, do I break the window and deal with like, but I just realized like, I don't even have time to break this window.

This is happening right now, dude. So I go, you're like, the dog shits on a lawn, why can't I? Bro, so I try to find a corner of the backyard where like hopefully nobody, does he do that like scratch thing after you then? Bro, I can kinda like, I can't it out but I can't help but picture you probably look just like my bulls do things wrong.

And then they look at you with this weird like sad family. Yeah. Bro so I squat down and I take a shit in my own backyard right. So now so but here but did you at least have newspapers? I was just gonna say that. So I got through one tragedy, like one, like, but now boom, I get it.

Okay, okay, oh, I'm shooting. After math. I'm getting, I'm shooting. Oh, now, what am I gonna use? You didn't think that far? I didn't think that far. I'm like, whoa, you don't think like, what am I gonna use?

I'm in the backyard. I'm like, those are what? Bro, I'm like, this is death. This is straight blast. So I like, there's nothing. Those are what. Bro, I'm like, this is death. This is straight blast. So I like, I kind of halfway pull up my pants and try to kind of waddle over to the side and go into the garage. And my dad has these like, really like rough.

The blue ones? The blue paper towels that are like, like the paper towel. The paper towel. Yeah, you used to like, do you like grease off of an engine? Yeah, you like, you use it to like wipe cement off the fucking you know the wall or something So I basically wipe my ass. I like scrape my ass clean with that stuff

And then I get the shovel and I dig it I dig a hole and I bury it and then my mom comes home and I'm just mad I take a hole and she's looking at me and she's like why are you so angry? And I'm like I had to shit in the backyard She's like what? She started laughing. You know, this reminds me of the post I just did about a single ply and two ply. That's a good story.

I can, I have a buddy who still. I buy a single ply. You do not. That's the cheap Costco, is that single ply? Yeah, you buy, no, no, no, no. Kirkland, the Kirkland stuff is not. That's double ply. Yeah, bro.

Wow, it gets thinner than that. Bro, single ply, when you do a single-ply, if you literally just took your single-ply, and you didn't fold over five times, and you wipe your ass, your finger goes through it. Yeah, bro. So you're gonna get it, those publics. Some people pay a lot of money for that, you know what I mean?

So I have a buddy who still does it. It doesn't make sense to me, because even though you're saving 20% to 30% on the price of the roll, you end up using 50% more of the fucking roll to wipe your ass because the paper thin ass ply is not good enough. You know what I've got to make a snowball of it. You know, just get around all. Yeah, are you, okay, let's go around here.

I want to know each one of you here. Are you a folder or a crumpler? What? Do you fold? I'm not giving a fucker. Do you fold your toilet paper or do you crumple it up and you wipe it? I just grab it, grab it, grab it, grab it, grab it,

grab it, and then go. Yeah, see, I could tell you, I could, if I had to guess out. You didn't eat free. This is not a good, this is not a good question. I got a good question for you. No, this is a good question for you. Why, could you stand in wipe or you sit?

Yes, yes. That's the question. No, I started as a standard. People either stand and I turn it. I turn it into a sitter. You sit and stand? I do the first. You start with the sit? Yeah, I started as a standard people either stand and I turn it I turn it to a sitter you sit and stand I do the first start with the sit. Yeah, I do kind of we were gonna go into this I do both you got to sit it's so much easier. I do you get you get more

But how do you reach around like you go? What do you mean how do you reach around? Go go gadget arm, bro You remember what I could have a pool a function Yeah, right. I guess I have like flexibility in you know, I mean like I you know have shoulder mobility. I I tell you why when I hit 240 Great for reaching around I had a I would break a sweat going to the bathroom trying to China wipe after I'll never forget that feeling because I remember thinking of myself. Wow This is what somebody like really obese has to feel like if not 10 times worse than this. They don't wipe

I Trinitrade somebody that worked in facilities that would help the super obese. Yeah, and she says they don't wipe Oh my god, that's too much. Well, how are you gonna wipe? Imagine like the I don't I'm not kidding around with not I knew what it was like. I'm not kidding around with you. I'm not exaggerating. When I was a frickin' 240 fuckin' ball,

just tight ball of muscle, I had the worst range of motion ever, and I would literally just be pouring down sweat from going to the bathroom, because it was like a workout to go back there and watch. You do realize that, so you ate your wet six three? Yeah. I'm six foot, so I'm three inches shorter than you.

You do realize I used to, up until probably about four years ago, I would bulk up in the winter to about 2'35, 2'4." No, I know, you've told me that. I've seen you before that big, so you were definitely giant in the city. I can get it, if I want, I can put it on. I see, you don't remember taking a shit was an issue then, because it was for me.

No, because I'm a standard. But see, but people get confused because you don't stand in clench, that's what people like confused because you don't stand in clench. That's what people like, oh, don't stand. You get the shit out. No, no. You stand, but you gotta maintain the anti-repellevec too. You have to maintain the spread.

You do both. I'm a dope. I do both. See, you're also... Doug, Doug, is this, would it be inappropriate to create a guide on something like this? Oh, yeah. Because I feel like there's a few things

where experts on, I could teach you how to get more range of motion. So this isn't even an issue. I'm sure it's like hotcakes. Like yeah, because Adam is, when it comes to ass cleaning, because I'm the sparkly tank guide, yeah.

Yeah. And there's a method to all the wipes. Yeah. First of all, you know, crumpling is not as good as folding. Folding your guarantee to cover that same service area time. Crumpling, you know, crumpling is not as good as folding. Folding your guaranteed to cover that same service area time. Crumpling, you know, you may hit the same service area one time and other time you may not. You know, so your guaranteed you fold correctly, you're definitely going to hit more that way. So I'm definitely, I'm a huge advocate of folders.

I am, I am a huge advocate of sitters and standards. So when you first, when you, the first, the first advocate. Yeah. Yeah. I'm here today to support everybody, sitters and standards. I do. I support sitters and standards, but I think you should do both.

So when you, you first, the first initial two wipes should be sitting and the next back up two wipes with the baby wipes should be standing. So you know your gangster if you can like lean forward, hover and reach underneath. Oh, it's just just pull it 400 knots. That's how your mom teaches your little sister to wipe. Yeah. I have a flexibility.

Well, that way they sh- Bruh, I think it infection. Just a vagina. Eight. Now you know, let's be honest. Now you know why your balls are so stuck. Hey, man. Oh, my balls are so small. I'm like my butt. This happened. Well, now I know. He's like, he's like complaining. My wife won't lick my balls. Dude, if you

do, and it's my thing If you're just now tuning into mine pump and you never listen to sparkly taints It's a must listen to episode in the back because I definitely go over Baby wipes and I I feel like this is part two part two. Yeah, it is kind of part two. This is number two It's definitely number two. Yeah, we've been covering the number two. We have quite a bit actually We even even mentioned the brown zone. Well, and I started the brown zone. That's what started us here.

It's started the story of telling the guy so the heart rate got that Doug, this might have to be a sparkly tank part, dude. Part, dude. Part, dude. I love, Doug loves it. I mean, I can speak for Doug on this. He'll sign about poop.

He enjoys it when we talk about nothing because of the episode. He says he's especially poop. Just for the listener, just so they know the process. Then this is what's gonna happen. Doug is going to tonight. He's gonna upload these to his fucking magical device

called computer. We don't know any of this technical shit. Maybe Justin, just, I mean, I don't know about that. Just I believe in it. Yeah. So that's the difference, so. So he'll upload it.

And then what he'll do is he'll send us the episodes to listen to. And then he'll upload it. And then what he'll do is he'll send us the episodes to listen to. And then he'll always be like, that one episode, like, what do I call that? Because you guys talked about nothing, like, what do I call it? And then we usually give a bunch of suggestions that he ends up picking his own.

And I named it this, guys. Oh, righty then. Yeah, right. This episode is crap. Yeah, right. We are a fitness podcast It did just spit probably the last 35 40 minutes. Talk about nothing to do with fitness. Yeah, actually actually You know, I know you might find corn and we're against genius. Yeah

So so not to stretch this out too long, but There's this new I don't know if you guys have seen these things called the squatty potty. Have you seen these? I thought you were going to get in a different direction. Where is it? There it is. So these are like little footstools that you put your feet on. Oh, I see someone posting on our forum.

Yes. So, and it's true. Here's what happens. When you're in an anterior pelvic tilt, when your butt is arched back, there is a muscle that will constrict your colon and reduce. So it's like pinching it off. It'll reduce the flow or the relaxation aspect. If you do a posterior pelvic tilt

where you kind of tuck your tailbone, that opens everything up and allows you to poop better. And they find that the squatty potty actually helps quite a lot of people. You so know how the guy who invented that figured that out. Oh, dude, next time you're constipated, think about what you just naturally do. Like you suck your core in and you're like, you're looking like that dog.

Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. You get that fade. And then the shiver. What do you watch me do this? And then they get the shiver afterwards. I get that.

The body just naturally goes into that what it wants to. So when you're fighting that, you ever watch that you squirm on the toilet. It's what you're doing. So hey, we're a health podcast. If you have trouble pooping, try tucking your tailbone, lifting your knees up, and there you go. It's just like giving birth naturally to a turd. Thank you for listening to Mind Pump.

For more information about this show and to get valuable free resources from Sal, Adam, and Justin, visit us at www.minepumpradio.com. Until next time, this is MindPump.