Mind Pump: Raw Fitness Truth - 2077: How to Have Better Sex Featuring Dr. Emily Morse

Episode Date: May 18, 2023

In this episode Sal, Adam & Justin speak with sex expert, Dr. Emily on how to add more fun to the bedroom. Why is sexual health so important? (1:47) How stress, trauma, and shame are pleasure thieves. (4:40) Having an unhealthy relationship with masturbation. (8:17) Porn without education is problematic. (9:20) When do kids get sexually imprinted? (18:51) The components of healthy sex. (22:00) Comparing lube to sunscreen. (26:18) The common sexual challenges between men and women. (31:35) Couples that play together stay together. (37:45) The common misconceptions around orgasms. (42:18) The 5 Pillars of Sexual IQ. (47:03) #1 – Embodiment. (48:52) #2 – Health. (53:22) #3 – Self-Knowledge. (54:33) #4 – Self-acceptance. (55:10) #5 – Collaboration. (55:20) Compare and despair does not work with sex. (59:14) Leaning into what is easy for you. (1:01:59) Rebranding anal sex. (1:05:16) Examining where your beliefs around sex come from. (1:09:50) Knowing the difference between fantasies. (1:11:38) Giving your partner a ‘compliment sandwich’. (1:15:30) Her take on dating apps. (1:23:00) Has the “boss-bitch” movement helped or hurt women’s sex lives? (1:30:32) The dangers of “hook-up” culture. (1:45:16) Related Links/Products Mentioned Visit Sleep Breakthrough by biOptimizers for an exclusive offer for Mind Pump listeners! **Promo code MINDPUMP10 at checkout** May Promotion: MAPS Prime or MAPS Prime Pro or the Prime Bundle 50% off! **Code MAY50 at checkout** Sex With Emily - YouTube Smart Sex: How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your Pleasure – Book by Emily Morse Voice of the people: Normalize discussions about human sexuality Sex Education and Parenting: What We Know | Psychology Today Better Sex in 10 Seconds—Guaranteed Conversation starters – Icebreaker Games | TableTopics Yes, No, Maybe List: Find New Ways to Play Women’s techniques for pleasure from anal touch: Results from a U.S. probability sample of women ages 18–93 Why Is The Modern Dating Market A Mess? - Vincent Harinam | Modern Wisdom Podcast 410 Sex With Emily: Manifest Your Partner (It Worked For Me) Mind Pump Podcast – YouTube Mind Pump Free Resources Featured Guest/People Mentioned Emily Morse (@sexwithemily) Instagram Chris Williamson (@chriswillx) Instagram  

If you want to pump your body and expand your mind, there's only one place to go. MIND, MIND, MIND, MIND, MIND, MIND, with your hosts. Salda Stefano, Adam Schaefer, and Justin Andrews. We just found the most downloaded fitness health and entertainment podcast ever. This is Mind Pump, right? In today's episode, we had Emily Morse on the show. She's a doctor of human sexuality and the hosts of the award winning sexuality podcast, actually the number one sexuality podcast

called Sex with Emily. It's been on air for nearly two decades. So she's been doing this for a long time. She's a lot of fun and she just authored a book called Smart Sex, Had to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your Pleasure. So that's what we talked about in today's episode. Now today's episode is brought to you by sleep breakthrough.

This is a pre-bed drink that combines the power of magnesium with other natural ingredients like Valerian root. It'll help you fall asleep faster, stay asleep longer and wake up feeling refreshed. Go check them out. Go to sleepbreakthrough.com forward slash mind pump. Use the promo code, mind pump tan, for a discount. We're also running a sale this month on some programs.

These programs are great for alleviating pain and improving mobility and connection to your muscles. Maps prime, maps prime pro and the prime bundle. All of those 50% off. If you're interested, go to mapsfitinistproducts.com and then use the code, May 50 for that discount. All right, here comes the show. Dr. Emily, thank you for coming back on the show.

I'm so excited to be here with you guys. We were talking four years. It's been a while. Four years. Lots happened since then. A lot has happened. We've had a lot of sex in set. I know, it sounds like it.

What's the right? Productive sex. Yeah, yeah, very productive. That's right. We've had three kids and a half of the happy happy happy. That's the last time. Wow, it's about time. Yeah. Before we turn the mics on, you the last time. Wow, it's about time.

Yeah, yeah. Before we turn to Mike's on, you made a comment. I want to go back to you, you said how the health and wellness space has kind of adopted more so sex as a part of health, which I think is a very good thing. I think it's a very, very important part of human behavior and health. And let's talk about that for a second. Why is sexual health so important? Why is such a good thing that sexual health

is now being a part of this wellness kind of health movement? I'm so grateful for this because the problem with sex, it was always sort of this. And this is still how people think about sex. It's sort of this random thing that we just sort of hopefully I'll figure it out one day. I don't really understand it. I don't want to talk about it.

I've shame about it. I'm not really sure when it's good and when it's bad and when I'm in the mood and when I'm not in the mood. So it's sort of this mysterious thing that we're also to figure out. But now that we're trying to realize it's actually a really integral part of overall health and wellness. Like if you are not sexually well,

like let's say you don't feel great in your body, you're not communicating about sex in a healthy way, you don't take care of yourself, you're having a correction challenges or a guys' own challenges, it's gonna impact your entire life. So now to kind of say, okay, we understand that sexual health is overall health,

is just a really, it was a really beautiful thing. So it means that we have to have conversations now about it in a real way. Is it safe to say that oftentimes, issues with sexual health, the reason why it's so important is that it's this great, like canary in the coal mine type thing, like, okay, so I have orgasm issues, but that may be related to something a little bit deeper or rectile issues, or I have shame around sex.

So by looking at sexual health, I'm able to kind of identify or look at deeper things. And if I don't, then I can't necessarily look at those things. Yeah, exactly, that's exactly it. And that's what I just wrote this book about. So I was writing this book called Smart Sex. And when I'm writing it, it's like, okay, I've been doing this for almost 20 years. I'm just gonna put all my best tips

and all the things in there so people can have it in one place. And then when I was writing it, I was like, you know, I can give you tips all day. Like if you have an orgasm, I can say use this vibrator, use this lube, try this sex position, and that's all fine and good, and that will work temporarily. But there's so much depth to sexual challenges that we have, so I came up with these five pillars

of sex, I call it sex IQ. So how do you become sexually intelligent? You have to look at these five factors that are going to contribute to you being sexually well and healthy because it's not about just one thing. If we all could never orgasm, let's say. There'd be a lot of different reasons why. So it's emotional, it's mental, it's psychological. But here's the thing.

It's like people don't realize that all these things are connected. If you don't get great sleep, if you don't eat healthy, if you're not, have you ever worked on trauma or gone to therapy, that's gonna impact your ability to have an erection, right? It's not just because you are watching too much porn that could be part of it. So I don't think that people ever did the deep dive into really realizing there's so many factors that go into it.

Hmm. You're the perfect person to ask this. Um, that, you know, when we were younger, I mean, let's say 20 years ago, and before, there was so much shame around sex. I still think there's a lot around it, but I think that the pendulum is moved in a direction where and went from shame to, it's now purely physical lust, and I see a lot more of this than I did before, or maybe trivialized or separated from.

Like I read a statistic the other day, that the best sex, people who have the best sex tend to be couples who have been together for a long time who are like in their 50s. I read or somebody got 40s and 50s, which if you popular media would have you thinking it's like when you're in your 20s, and you super fit and all that stuff.

So do you see changes over the last two decades where maybe that the pendulum is going in the wrong direction? Or has it always been that way? Overcorrecting. So you're to clarify your saying that it has, is it shame not really a thing anymore and it's more about like you still see shame, but now it's also this other issue of where it's like this super, it's just purely physical, very disconnected type of thing. I think that those have always been things.

Unfortunately, I think that shame is still a huge, is a huge challenge. I think stress, trauma, and shame are the pleasure thieves. Like that is what's keeping us from pleasure. And a lot of us have shame that we don't even realize that we have around sex. And that's why it's the way we're talked about it when we're younger.

And then we think it's something that we can't talk about. So I still think that shame is there. Give me an example of that. Like where that's common where someone is, like let's paint me a picture of somebody who's listening right now who potentially may have shame around sex. It doesn't even realize they have shame around. Okay, I love this question.

Okay, so you guys all have kids, right? So now let's say when you're younger You might realize maybe your hands are down your pants and You're sitting around the dinner table and your parents are like take take that away Like we're young. It's like take your hand your pants. That's dirty. It's wrong. Don't do that Why are you doing that? Maybe your parents walk in on you? So your first Your first connection to sex and to your body is that it's shameful and wrong Now you might even be preverbal.

You might be like a toddler. And that's the very first message that you got around sex. So then you always feel shame when you're masturbating, which by the way, talking about sexual health, part of being healthy overall is having a healthy relationship to masturbation. So I don't often have to remind men to masturbate, they're like, cool, I got that down, right? They're like, I was doing it the same way. I'm like, no, do put it away.

Don't do it the same way. But for women, sometimes there is shame around it. And even for men, they're like, I got a high date or my partner makes you feel bad about it. So that's just an example where we might not even be realizing, but like I'm here to tell you, and it's because people don't tell people that it's great to master it with your inner relationship,

your out of a relationship. It's part of connecting to your body and being healthy. So that's part of it. I think that they're still, so that's a big shame a lot of us care around. Sort of avoid something like that as a parent. By the way, you can move your mic up a little. Yes, that's great.

As a parent would be like your kids touching their privates and to treat it like if they were touching their leg or their ear. So rather than being like, don't do that. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, it could be more like more in public in my say, hey, that's something you could do. So if you're training for Trina's mother,

you would, because we've had this with the little nephews and stuff that they've done that would say something like, oh, that's your meat time when you're in your room. Yeah, exactly. She won't even make a big deal about it. She'll just be like, hey, save that for when you're in your meat, like your meat time in your own room, you know, saying that out here in the living room with everybody.

That's exactly it. You don't want to make it like a, that's wrong. Right, right. There's not a big huge deal. Just say, hey, save that for you. That should do that later. You can say, oh, that feels good, right?

That feels, sure, that feels good. Let's just wait till we're, you know, not at the dinner table. Hang it on. Hang it on. Interesting. So what about it, you said masturbation is good. Is there an unhealthy relationship

with masturbation? Yes, they're absolutely are unhealthy relationship with masturbation. So it's like anything. It's like if you find that masturbation is something that's like taking over your life. For example, you're masturbating so much that it's impacting your ability to show up for work. Jesus. It's like, well, one more time.

It's impacting your ability to have sex with your partner because you can't get hard, you can't get turned on unless there's porn and background and you're thinking about porn, or you keep escalating the porn that you're watching to more extreme levels where when you're watching it, you're like, I don't even feel good about this, but I have to keep escalating.

So those are when you know that there's problems, when it's having, when there's consequences. It's like any kind of, I don't, people, there's like conflict in this world about in the sex world, about if there could be addiction with porn or and I'm not with masturbation and I'm not gonna, but, but essentially if you are addiction, you've a challenge with anything It's when there's consequences. Is this why you're late all the time, Doug? Probably.

This explains it in sweating right now. Actually, this is, this has got to be, this is, I hear people talking about this more now than ever. I mean, when we were younger pornography was so hard to come by. And now it's so accessible. And now you're hearing, you know, men saying they have erectile dysfunction at the age of because of it. And then you mentioned something that is relatively new where the porn genres or types are getting more and more extreme.

Exactly. What's happening with that? Oh my God. Well, first, so here's what's happening with porn, is that now kids are seeing porn as early as eight years old. So they're sick on their phone. They're playing handy-crushed, all of a sudden there's some boobs and they're like, what happened? What's happening?

So, and then there's not a lot of education. So porn without education is really problematic. Without sex education is problematic, and it's everywhere now. So, you know, especially for the kid to grow up, you know, the iPad generation, they grew up with a phone and a pocket or the iPad, like they have seen it everywhere,

and so, and it is becoming more extreme or readily available. And we are seeing more erectile challenges for people at younger ages, for sure, because that's again, where they, yeah, it was harder to come by, right? Little later, easy to come by, but hard to come by. I suppose. And you said that I was like,

wait, there's some kind of fun in there. So, yeah, because it was like a magazine or whatever it was, and it was just, now it's successful all the time. And so, you know, everything is conditioning, right? So it's like, you can get conditioned to be able to call up whatever you want to see right there in the moment, and you're like, oh, it's a lot easier get conditioned to be able to call up whatever you want to see right there in the moment

And you're like, oh, it's a lot easier than having to go out and approach somebody. So now we have all these younger people who are having a hard time Connecting with humans, right? So like, well, I'm learning my needs met with porn So, you know, that's a problem, but I don't bash porn either because we all know porn has its uses right? So obviously I think everyone here would agree probably an eight-year-old seeing something like that with no education is a horrible idea. But what about somebody who's like a because I try and put myself back into teenage years when I was scouring the magazine piles for the JC Penny article or anywhere I could see a boob, right? And I think if I had the access, like most probably high school kids do with

their phone, you know, how would you coach them or how would you speak to them to have a healthy relationship with that? Because I don't necessarily know how good I would be. Like back then, you would have to have like a magazine article like that that you would have to find in order to use. Yet, if I had my phone where I had porn hub on it that I could have access to it all the time, God, I don't know. I don't know how I would have been in high school.

It's hard to say, because I'm not this 40 year old responsible adult. I mean, obviously I think how I want to act, but I'm not sure how I would. So how would you coach a young man who's got that access on how he should use it? Oh, yeah. It's a really good question. And I think you would say, so this is where it's found parents because I think a lot of kids you think, oh, we don't want to hear our parents talking about sex. That's just eugh, gross, dad don't talk to me about it or mom.

But the more that we do, and we normalize it, we start to say, son, you're going to hear me talking about it. It's not going to be like, it's not a one time conversation growing up, and it was like the birds and the bees. This has to be the thing, a way to talk to them about it. This is not gonna be, it's not a one time conversation like growing up and it was like the birds and the bees. This has to be the thing, a way to talk to them about it is like, so I just want you to know you might come across porn and here's the thing, that is inversion of sex. It's actually not real, it's not, it's scripted.

It's an extreme version of sex, it can be. You just talk to them like you would about what's maybe what's realistic, what's not in it. Like to me, I look at Porta and I'm like, oh my God, like he's nowhere near her clitoris. There's that, doesn't feel good at all. You were saying the same way we said somebody working out, right? Oh, that's terrible for him.

You guys, that's it. We're not even working the right, you must be the most important pastor. I'm just like, well, let's see the instant replay on that. I'm telling you, what we do is so similar in the sense of sexual health and your overall physical health. Like, someone's like, how do I want to lose weight? You'd never say, well, just go on a diet or just lift this weight.

You'd say, do all of these things. The same thing goes for sex. There's the five things I talked about, but it's very similar, but yet for you guys, it's much more normalized and you're watching. Anyway, we'll get into that. But to go back to this, it's like, you know, you have to use real examples from maybe when you guys, it's much more normalized and you're watching. Anyway, we'll get into that. But to go back to this, it's like, you have to use real examples from maybe when you are,

cause it's not going in conversation, so it's not the birds and the bees, it's like, okay, so I want you to know that I know you saw porn, and you might see porn, and I want you to know that that's, you know, the most important relationship is that one that you have with yourself and your own body, when you're with somebody, I want you to talk about consent.

I have some great podcasts about how to talk to your kids about sex, but there's there's literally not a lot of great places for unfortunately right now for me to send parents to go. So it's really just you're real with them about what you know what they know. So do you recommend then it organically comes up or that a dad, a family or mom formally sits their kid down? So is that a so what I'm hearing from you is like, the best approach is life is going to happen. There's gonna be a situation where they come across

something or they say something or here's something at school and then to address it in that moment and then explain that the best you can as a parent versus, man, my kid's getting to be about 14 now. I think I need to sit down and have this formal sex talk. Exactly, that's exactly, like, oh, he's certainly in the shower for a long, like, what's happening in there? That's what all my friends, my friends with kids are like,

oh, God, like, I know he's doing it, but I don't want to talk to him, like, we have to talk to him, get ahead of it. And it's like, hey, so you're going to start getting erections or here's what puberty is, and it's hormones, and you're going to start having these feelings, and I want you to know it's totally okay. It's normal if you have questions about it.

And then you can start to bring in media. Like maybe you're watching a movie one at home with your kids and something happens. Maybe there's a kiss. Like it's a high school scene and there's a kiss. So you stop and like, what do you think about that? I thought it was interesting that he was consensual or maybe it wasn't consensual.

You try to find things in media or in a day-to-day life that sort of speaking to some of the questions they might have, as you find it, because it is out there. And the thing is, it's like anything, it gets easier. I think that there's probably a lot of parents going, oh my God, I could never do that. It's awful, but that's because that's the way we were raised. And the only place that we see a good example of this

is in the Netherlands. And this has been one of my missions, is it in the Dutch countries, it's of this is in the Netherlands. And this has been one of my missions. Is it in the Dutch countries? It's the only place in the world where they normalize talking about sex and it's totally okay. Pregnancy rates are low. They talk about, you know, and they started a very young age. Like the kids are, the kids are, you know, toddlers, pre-verbal.

And so when they're talking to them about their body parts, not like they're saying like, here's how you put it in a condom when you're like 18 months old. But what they are saying is, you know, they're naming the parts, there's no shame around it. So they'll say, like, this is your knees, and this is your thighs, and this is your penis, and this is your vulva. They're not saying, like, they're not skipping over from your thighs, they're stomach, they're naming the parts, they're talking about consent, like, they're talking about. So it's normal. And the parents, and their sex education, like, okay, so in the States, our sex ad is like,

don't get pregnant, don't get donas sex, basically. You're gonna get pregnant, you're gonna get an SDI, and your life is gonna be really, you know, challenging and hard. But in these other countries, they do talk about pleasure, and they talk about orgasm, and they talk about consent, and they make sex, they don't make it so like scary and As a result kids as they get older they just every year in school their taught sex and sexual health and wellness and it's normal

So that's the world I want us to get to here in states It's my mother-in-law's house. That's what that's what dinner looks like. Oh, yeah So being I mean, I've been in part of this their family now for like 13 years And it was quite the shock for someone like me to like Here like a you know a grandma talk about blow jobs that it dinner table some like that like literally with kids all ages and some like that Okay, but it they she openly will Then the way it looks like in their family is because we have this massive family at all age ranges and most of them are most of us are adults massive family at all age ranges. And most of them are, most of us are adults.

If she thinks that her daughter-in-law's skin looks really well, a lot of times she goes, oh, you guys having great sex right now. I see your skin, it's glowing. It's a twist. It'll be at the dinner table. And so that will organically come up and in front of the kids. And I mean, it was very weird for me at first to be a part of that, but it's also,

everybody in the family is very comfortable with it. It does. It does. And the kids get it introduced that way. Instead of them getting it from television or their friends at high school, they hear grandma talking to mom and dad or aunt uncle about their sex life at the dinner table. And it was really weird to get used to it first, but it actually has created this really

interest. And I know it obviously had been 13 years, so I've seen these kids grow up. And so I've watched them be seven, eight year olds now, and then high school, and I really having a sex life and older, and it's something that can be discussed with seven of us sitting around. And it's a lot. I love that, I see that's good.

So you've probably seen so it probably is a little bit. Oh yeah, it's very normal now. It's very, very normal now for me, but it was a shock when I first came into the family. It's like, that's not okay, Grandma. Oh yeah, no, I mean, imagine having a mother-in-law, ask my wife about our sex life and blow jobs and things like that right in front of me when we first met.

That's extreme. Yeah, it was very extreme. That's a lot. It was a lot. I mean, there's a way the pendulum can swing. And you get to decide, we all get to decide with the ring. But I mean, I see it now and I'm like, wow, that's actually really cool to see how the comfort level

that the entire family has around that topic. It's actually no different than any other topic. So it's just, no different than the kid who's struggling with math in school, with the, we're thinking about buying a house next year and like that same conversation. Exactly. And that's how I think it, yeah. No, I was just curious because you know, you're doctoring your background and all these studies. We've talked about like kids as they get like imprinted like that being like a substantial moment with how they have sex later on in life.

Like what age typically is that where that is so formative. And also too, because you hear about like some kinks and things that result as you know, as that imprint, you know, kind of leaves its mark. Like can you just kind of talk through like some of those situations. as that imprint leaves its mark, can you just kinda talk through that like some of those situations?

So do you mean, so you're talking about like someone who's like a fetish or a fantasy about something that happened when they were younger? Yeah, or just regular encounter with sex, but it's the way that they sort of perceive sex going forward from there. What age would you say, like typically, that? I would say it got so hard to say

because we're also different. It's like bio individuality, right? We are all, we are all so different. So there's not like a universal age, but there are instances where something had happened to a kid. And a lot of times it's like negative stuff or something will happen though, parents, so maybe,

okay, so also shame comes from, like, if you grew up in a religious household, let's say, and you were always told that masturbation was wrong or don't have sex dealing for procreation, and then you start to have sex, you might feel this guilt around it or shame around it or maybe if you grew up so we're like the nuns, we're telling you, so then you might have a kink around it,

you might develop some kind of fantasies around the nuns because let's say you're like a young You're at a formative age when you're going through puberty, right? So that's when your hormones start to spike it starts to come in and then you might be having some sexual thoughts at that time And it might sort of comingle if you will with some kind of fantasy or something like someone is like a Fantasy, let's say for about redheads So like I'm always obsessed with redheads. I don't know why, like maybe they had like a second, you know, third grade teacher or something

where they kind of had these feelings for their teacher at the time. They couldn't really explain it, but then they're at the time they were also starting to go through puberty. And so it sort of got linked up, like their penchant for redheads and sexual fantasies. Like it linked up with something.

It's sort of like a perfect storm of hormones and kings of fantasy. That was my theory when we were talking about this on a podcast, not that long ago. Well, we were talking about like weird thing. I think it's came up with a foot finish. Oh yeah. And I theorized like, you know,

because I know what happened to me. I tell a story and I don't know if I've shared on the podcast. I know I share with these guys. Yeah, man. That I was sexually imprinted because when the first time that a girl had ever touched me in that, I'm in high school, I've already gone through P.R.D. everything and I was sick.

I was like, deathly sick. So to this day, if I'm sick, I'm like, always in the mood. And I swear it's because that was imprinted on me. Yes, it's sick. And I told the guys, I'm like, you know, if someone has like this weed, like they were words saying like, why would you like have a foot fetish? I'm like, well, imagine being in high school,

and the first time you ever get touched down there as a guy, it's the girl at cafeteria, she sneaks her throat. Exactly. And starts rubbing. That is exactly it. Okay, that's all right. It is early memories that usually happens when you're, it's all new, and that's where a lot of them originate.

What are the components? Because obviously having good sex, it's not just the physical pleasure or there's connection there's The confidence there's being vulnerable like what are the components of like really healthy good sex? Wow, that's such a great question. I mean, I think it's mostly his communication. I would say communication is a lubrication and I will It is really about not only the communication that you have with your partner, but with yourself. Like, what are the messages that you're telling yourself about sex, so that you have to be comfortable with it?

That's a great component about it. I think also being with somebody that you feel safe with and that you trust, talking about your fantasies and your desires and what you want, that's one of the components. Another one is, is your overall health and wellness. Like, are you mentally healthy or physically healthy? what you want. That's one of the components. Another one is, is your overall health and wellness. Are you mentally healthy or physically healthy? I think if you are somebody who, like people who are healthier, we've talked about this before too, it's all about blood flow.

It's like your erections or your orgasms. If you're moving your body regularly, you're exercising, you're eating healthy, you're going to have more blood flow, and you're going to be more likely to be aroused, turned on, ready for sex. So that's another important pillar of wellness. Also your mental health, if you've had therapy is gonna help everything, but if you, let's say you've had some traumas growing up and they've impacted your ability to connect with somebody

or maybe it was a sexual trauma, and you haven't dealt with that in therapy, it's not gonna go away. So you have to look at your overall health. You have to look at your confidence level too. This is why I call out the self acceptance. Do you accept yourself where you're at right now? Do you feel comfortable with your,

if you're walking in the US, you really relate to this. If you're walking around all day, and you're like, I hate my body, I kept the way to work out, I don't look, I've gained weight. And then you expect, so here's the disconnect. When you asked me earlier, why is sex work out. I don't look, I've gained weight. And then you expect, so here's the disconnect.

When you asked me earlier, why is sex is now becoming under the wellness umbrella? Because if you are disconnected all day, you're like, I don't like my body, I hate it. And then you get in the bedroom with somebody and you're like, why aren't I in the mood for sex? Why aren't I in a row? Why don't I feel sexy, whether, no matter what you're gender,

why can't I get a wreck shoe? Because you've been hating on your body all day, you're not accepting yourself. There's not a lot of acceptance and confidence. And then it's also, yeah, so that would be a big factor of it too. So like, how will you know yourself? Do you, how will you advocate for yourself? So it's really about, you know, this is what I talk about in the book too, it's like these five pillars. And I do this myself. So, and listen to people, like, oh, do you have the best sex ever? I'm like, I know how to have the best sex ever, but I also know how to troubleshoot it.

And for me, I think about the five pillars. I'll think in my head, like, why, how do I get in the mood for sex? I have to know that I am moving my body. For me, that's really important. I'm healthy, am I eating right? I have to communicate it with my partner. These are the pillars.

It's like, have we talked about, is there something that I've been holding on to? Do I have any resentments with him? And if I'm not feeling great about something, I'm not going to be able to have the best sex. If I haven't communicated with my partner, if I don't feel great in my body, if I don't acknowledge the fact that like,

there's certain things that need to be set up for sex as well. Like if I walk into my house and it's freezing cold, or it's messy, I'm not going to be in mood for sex, right? So I really kind of reverse engineer it. I think of all the things that could go wrong and what elements do I need to be in place for it to go right? Yeah, you mentioned communication in connection. It makes me think of like breakup sex.

People are like, oh, not breakup sex. Excuse me, make up sex. Make up sex is like the best sex ever. And it's like, well, probably because you were like fighting on the verge of, you know, separating, and then you came together and you felt so close to communication. And then you said, it feels so good to be connected again.

Exactly. No, backup sex is a real thing because again, you're getting like the stimulation of the adrenaline and the dopamine. And so that's the added the feel good hormones come into that. So you had to have a dip. It's changing up your pattern. Because listen, the thing that kills our sex life is monotony and the same things over and over again. And what we crave in long-term relations is spontaneity,

variety, we crave something a little bit new and different. And it doesn't have to be crazy, swinging from the rafter sex. It could literally be a bottle of loo. Like the loo we're gonna bring out with you tonight. It could be that, but it's something that's just a little bit different. So if you got in fight and and you had this like fear,

maybe you were in fight or flight, even if that you thought you were gonna get divorced, but it was something different, right? And then you made up again and it was a relief. So you have those dips in the dopamine spikes and so that's part of it. And when you bring up a lube a lot and obviously sexier.

I do. Did I mention that that's one of the great factors for having great sex. So okay, so I do, I have questions around that because we, I can't even remember the last time that Katrina and I used loob. It's got very, very long time and it's mainly because we'd never have to. And so I kind of look at it like a thing where it's like with the way we talk about protein shakes and bars it's like. My goal I would think for my sex life is like my fitness health and fitness life where it's like I want to try and get all everything through whole natural foods.

And if I can hit those markers I'm the healthiest I can be now for some reason I'm missing protein take them then shakes and bars make a lot of sense to supplement that because they're very helpful for that. Would you say that's similar to loop like? Like if I have this incredible sex life where she gets unbelievably lubricated herself, I don't have this need for that. So I shouldn't use that. I totally love it. You're saying this because I can see why that would be, we would think that would be the case,

but lube is different. Okay. And so that you ask is because actually, lube is more like sunscreen. Think of lube as being like, you know, when it's cloudy out and your mom's like, you have to wear sunsets, you're like, but it's cloudy, and you can still get, you can still get a tan,

you can still get burned in the sun. So here's the thing about Loub. I want to like, the education around Loub is that, is that Loub is a safety measure. So sometimes we could be really, really wet and not turned on. Sometimes you can be turned on and not wet. That's the thing I also want to mention about Loub

is that it's actually for a woman, well, where the one's getting wet, it changes with our cycles. So there's certain times of month where we're wet, not wet enough or we're wet for a little bit. So sometimes at the start of sex too, we're really wet. And then we're not. And so we might not be as wet if it goes a little bit longer, or it's just not a guarantee. The problem with not being wet enough for sex or not having enough is the friction. So if there's too much friction, then there's tears, you can get infections, that's one problem. So if you just add a few drops of lube

to every sexual situation, it's a safety measure so you don't have, because sometimes you're caught up in the moment and you're like, I was really wet at the beginning, but I didn't realize I wasn't and then you can have tears again that caused to get infections, STIs, stuff like that. The second thing is, there was a study by a groundbreaking study by Indiana University,

which is the Kinsey Institute, leading research plays about sex. And they found that when you added a few drops of lube to any sexual situation, women are 80% more likely to have an orgasm because of the nerve ending, because of the clitoris and all that. So even if it's just a little few drops when you're like starting to have sex, you put a few drops in your hand or you put it on your penis or you put it on her vulva and you rub it in. She's more likely to have, you know, so it's safety. So that's why it's a little bit like I literally have my dreams a little bit on every nightstand. So it is a recovery, even though you don't need it, I just would love to know what it would feel like

just to know that it's there and it's consistent and it might just feel different. And I also feel like positioning in a way where a woman may think, well, I'm gonna use this if I can't get wet enough. Might actually create either pressure or shame. Let's talk about the app. To the person who said,

what's wrong with me, why can't I? I feel aroused and then it just causes more problems rather than it being like, this is just a thing that we have. Well, wait, I'm so glad you, because this is the other shame thing. So, there's Lou has been shaved. So Lou has been the thing, we're like, yeah, I think I have a lot of Lou was like,

underneath the bed, I was like back in the bathroom and it's hidden in the second shelf because our misunderstanding about it is that, is that if you're a guy and you're with a woman, you're like, oh, she's not turned on. I did something wrong. My penis must not be great or I did something that,

you guys are directly, it's your ego, right? Or you think you're connected to it. But I want to make everyone just breathe a sigh or leave and let you know that's why I said, she can be super turned on and not wet or she can be really wet, not turned on. This is just like a safety measure because it feels good.

Penis' love loop too, like use it from masturbation. Like it's just, it's a great safety. So I just wanna say like, I hope if anyone takes anything from this cover, like that is just a really big factor because I'm just seeing it. I mean, I've people use loop and they just feel, you know, they feel great about it. And some ways that reminds me of like,

like with a rectal dysfunction, that oftentimes the reason why the man can't get an erection has nothing to do with the fact that his wife or his partner isn't turning them on could be something else, could be a health issue, could be stress. Yes. And they even show repeated use of, you know, a rectal dysfunction medications. Man will start to develop a psychological attachment. Like, if I don't take this, oh no, what's going to happen. Exactly. Type of deal. So I could see will start to develop a psychological attachment.

Like if I don't take this, oh no, what's gonna happen? Exactly. Type of deal. So I can see it being very similar in that sense. It is very exactly, that's exactly it. There's just all these things. You don't realize that sex is so psychological too,

and it's patternally. Extremely psychological. Oh my god, we get so set in our ways. Like this is the only way that I can masturbate. This is the only way I can orgasm. This is the only thing that turns me on. And it's just conditioning. So it's like making the decision that I would like

to explore other ways to have pleasure and other ways to have orgasm. And I think that hopefully that should feel good to me, though, because if you do have erectile dysfunction, you don't have to live with it. Especially now, there are so many ways to deal with it, to work with it, it could be health, it could be exercise, diastastro,

and your hormone replacement, using different toys can help. There's just a lot of solutions to it and we're not just, our sex life is out of fixed state. It's like your health. Yeah. Are there common challenges between the sexist, meaning like, I could see like the pressure to provide for as a man tends to

Hinder our sex life a lot or the confidence of my wife and how she feels sexy about herself is are there common themes That you see within the sexes and challenges and then if there are what are some of the best things to address though God, that's great question. I mean I used to think that we were so different That men always want sex and women don't or men are in terms of... And like, I can't... None of it... I actually, in my book, I didn't even use gender. I was like, penis owners and vulva owners.

And then I was like, there's only a few areas where I was like, we're really different. And that's just when it comes down to our biology. And like, women can have more orgasms. Our refractory period is a lot, you know, quicker than men. But basically our challenges are, yeah, confidence challenges, having to initiate. So I see some of our challenges would be around performance. Okay, a desire. So let's talk with a start with desire. Desire discrepancy. Is the number one question I get asked by people is there's in every relationship there's someone with a high libido and a low libido. Always. The two high libido partners

don't ever get together and the two low libido partners never get together. So I want everyone to feel good that there's always going to be someone in the relationship who's going to want it a little bit more. And so some so some so a soul for that switch right. But it can't switch. I can't switch. But unfortunately, the only time it's ever the same as the honeymoon phase. Like in the beginning, you cannot wait to rip your clothes off to rip the clothes off each other. And it's amazing and exciting. But we're never going to get back to that. We might have vacation. We might have separation from each other. Maybe after a fight or something is new and exciting. But it just can't be new again, just can't, and that's okay too. So how we solve for this desire and discrepancy is first, like you said, yeah, I can switch

over time and then you acknowledge it. I mean, if you are in a relationship, we're not only talking to your kids about it, but with your partner about it regularly. Like just, yeah, so I've been feeling more in the mood this week. Like what we're going to have sex on, you know, what about sex tonight? I mean, and then you say, well, you know what tonight, I'm exhausted, I wanna go about early, but Saturday night is gonna be our night.

That's our date night. We can look forward to it, we know it's gonna happen. So if you're somebody who is the, let's say you're the lower, so the lower desire partner has the power. The low desire partner is the one who's deciding when sex is gonna happen or not. So then acknowledging that with your partner and saying, okay, you know, I, what would feel right to us to have sex? So let's say you're someone who wants sex five days

a week, but I only want it one day a week. Well, that's about what? Like one and a half to two times a week. And so you're like, okay, well, how do we troubleshoot that? And that's when you got a reverse engineer and say, well, when do we know we want to have sex the most often? It's definitely not like, I know, well, when do we know we want to have sex the most often? It's definitely not like, I know for me, like I do not want to have sex during the week after like 11 o'clock and I try to get to bed early. I know that like I'm already, you know,

wash my face and I'm in bed. I'm like ready. So I think when we expect sex just to happen randomly, like we're in bed, this is when sex can happen. Like that doesn't work for many people, especially when you have kids and you have life and you get doesn't work for many people, especially when you have kids, and you have life, and you get up early. There's no random sex when you have kids.

There's no random sex when you have kids. You have to plan for sex. You have to schedule sex, and I know people think that is like the least sexy thing in the world. Like, you don't want to look at your calendar and be like, time to like pick up the kids to school and make dinner and then have sex. But when you plan for it, it's like your workout.

A workout is, you know, as I can't tell you how similar it is to like planning your workouts, prioritizing it. It's not going to randomly happen. You're not going to wait until you're suddenly in the mood. And unfortunately, since we get turned on in different ways, it's probably not going to hit you over the head that you're just going to be in the mood for sex. So you have to sort of reverse engineer it and think when is the best time? Like, kids, there's a babysitter this night

Or we're gonna get up early on Saturday morning Because sex is important and it has to happen But you have to figure out in a relationship when is the best time for it to happen Yeah, we've had to learn how to release physical dates So it's really like because of the communication factor that you're talking about like that really like proceeds like it has to happen That way in order to have good sex otherwise you can just have sex and you're planning it out, but then it's just like, you know, let's hurry up and let's get to it

versus really kind of like, you know, scheduling enough time to connect and have that first communication part. I can't get the suit unless the house is messy or I need to, you know, we need to be able to talk about it beforehand, it works for me, can't be too late because we got to wear a burly, any planet. I think it could be, it could be pressure. And that's where people are like, I don't like it.

Or, you know, my opinion is more fun. Like it's not going to look fun. And flirt towards and then try to meet each other's needs leading up to it so that it can happen. It's also, I think, recognizing the individual needs. Right. So you hit a bunch of things that like over the course of 13 years, like I think Katrina and I have pieced together, like for one, she's like way colder than I am. So I've learned like if I had the house at my temperature, I like,

she's all bundled up and getting her to take all her clothes off. It's very low. So I'll deal with the housepear a little warm if I want to get so earlier, right? I also recognize this like if you talk about the communication piece. If we sit down, there's a great, there's a great game I've talked about it on the show before. It's just, I forget the name, table, it's called table conversations, I think.

And it's just conversation starters, but it gets us talking about stuff even after 13 years that we didn't know about each other or, you know, she'll share something a childhood memory because of the question. And that always fosters this crazy intimacy afterwards. Another thing you hit that was a huge hack for us was, we'd love to watch our favorite TV shows and this and that. And then we'd mosey on up to bed at 10, 30, 11 o'clock at night. And typically one or the other would it be more tired

than the other person. And even if we were maybe both wanting it four hours ago, we don't end up having it, because one person ends up falling asleep. So simply disciplining ourselves to like, you know what? This just go to the bedroom at eight o'clock. And that's it. So you don't even have to formally plan.

Oh, we're having sex time. It's just like, hey, let's go up to the room by eight o'clock tonight. And then just like conversation happen, that conversation always ends up leading to sex. So these things have all been things that I know that we piece together. Are there more things like that that come to mind for you

as far as like, man, sometimes I can give someone this little subtle tip, another tip I've given to people is like, we listen to audiobooks together. And that connection of growing and learning together has on very rarely do we ever get through a full hour or two hours of the book. It ends up into sex, you know, 30 minutes later. So have you found things like that sometimes that you can just give somebody that

who's like, oh, and he was that little tweak? Yeah, it's totally. I mean, couples that like play together, stay together. So having habits like that, like doing, you know, book together, working out together. Like, I know like when I work out in my partner, like we always like, we have our workouts, we do that. And that's going to definitely like, we're sweating together, removing our bodies, we hike, we plan it, we do that. And that's gonna definitely like, we're sweating together, we're moving our bodies,

we're high, we plan it, we talk about those things that definitely can help. I think planning like using toys, I'm a huge fan of toys, as you guys know, like having them charge ready to go, I think is a big game changer. And also like planning for your sex, I'd like thinking about like what toy could we use

or what, you know, if you what, this is where I love porn. Like what, showing each other different scenes that you like and porn to keep it interesting, going shopping for toys together, looking at it. So, kind of bringing in other stimuli could it is really helpful for a lot of couples. I think I have something called the Yes, No, Maybe List. This has been like a game changer. I don't know if I, I don't think I had this before, but it's a free download on my, on my website at sexwithamily.com and there's like 80 sex acts on it. And I can't tell you like I didn't know how much

this was gonna impact people because think about sex, there's no menu. There's no like, you want to spice it up. We've been doing missionary sex in the occasional doggy style, maybe we do 69, but we don't know what else the fuck there is to do that's gonna mix up. So this is like 80 things on it

and it says everything from like dirty talk. So it says a yes, no one and maybe after every sex, every suggestion, it could be like taking a bath together dirty talk using toys going to a sex party spanking just you know Everything like some some a little bit kinky or some not so you each take it, right? And you take together you can print it out or you each take it right and you take together,

you can print it out or you can do it online and you're like, okay, so now we're gonna sit together. We're gonna take a night. I mean, how many times are people like way off? You're like, oh shit, I didn't know you wanted that. I think you just go through the list together and talk about each other. I feel like individually be more fun.

I feel like individually you do it and then you go like compare it to trash. Yeah, then you can compare the notes. It's really fun I think. It's really fun though. Otherwise you're influenced. If you you go like, compared. Yeah, then you come back and compare the, I know. It's really fun. Otherwise, you're influenced. If you're doing it right with your partner, you're influenced by what they're gonna say.

You're the man. Yeah, that's great idea. It's so fun. What a great idea. And then there's a lot of magic in the babies, too. You're like, oh, why is that a maybe? And that's where you find a lot of shame, too, or a lot of fear.

So in the babies, once you get through the yet, because, well, first off, you're like, oh my god, I didn't know you wanted dirty talk. I've been waiting for that to happen, or you want to spank me. I want you to, I want to be spanked. Who knew? Why didn't we ever talk about this?

Like, let's go. So it's literally is everything other than that's fun, but also with them, then you go to the movies. You're like, oh, interesting. Like, why is that? Not because you want to like coerce your partner, but you might find out, like, oh, I had a bad experience with it, or I was told that that was really dirty, or wrong, or shameful.

So then you kind of can crack the code and it sort of is a great fodder for like month years to come. You just keep there. You redo it every year and see what's changed. So you kind of and then you can also plan it out. So now we have all of these things to do. You know, why don't we try that thing or why don't we like, you know, and you start because I think sometimes couples get so set in their ways and they're like, yeah, I want a role play, but my partner's going to really laugh. I ring the door about like, pretend on the pizza guy. Like, that's, that's, we've been together forever and they'll just laugh. And I just say to that, like, so what? Like, so you laugh, but what if you like sticking character for a minute and something funny and it's something new?

Again, we're craving novelty. We're creating spontaneity and variety. Those are the three elements. So it could literally be sex in the bathroom when it's always in the bedroom. It could be that you pretended, you know, you meet at a bar, sexy stranger, right? You show up and you're like, that's such a fun roleplay for couples to be like, like meet me at this bar

and show up as, you know, your middle name or your alter ego or just, even if you do it for 10 minutes, like, send me my boyfriend and we'll show up with the rest of him, like, hi, he's a seat taken. And like, for 10 minutes, we'll just do this thing. I'm like, no, you can sit there, I'm just waiting for someone, but you're really cute.

And we'll just, and then for a minute, I'll just kind of go off to the college of your day when you, and I'll see him differently, right? I'll, I'll, okay, so that's a really hot moment. I'm like, oh, yeah, he is kind. He's not really bothering me in this moment. You know, like he was, or annoying me. Like you were 10 minutes ago.

So we have to remember that it's our memory. It's so playful. We can have fun with this. But our part of it becomes like everything to us. And we just think we don't want to have sex with them. But if you can kind of create something new and fun and new fodder, it can be really, really hot. Let's talk about orgasms for a second.

Yes. Because that's obviously one of the best parts of sex besides the connection. What do people get wrong about orgasm? Were there some common misconceptions about that? Oh my God, I think that the common misconception for women is that something is wrong if they can't have an orgasm during penetration. Only 20% of women are going to have an orgasm during penetrative sex. I think we've probably talked about that.

And that's majority need clitorial stimulation. They need clitorial stimulation. They need it. They need foreplay. They need clitorial stimulation. And that's okay. That's okay if you're not going to happen that way. And that's okay to use.

And the majority of women are going to orgasm from like fingers or toys or mouth. And it's not because of your penis. Although for some they can. And that's great too. I think that we also get wrong that there's only, that we're set, like the way that we orgasm is the only way we can orgasm because again, it's conditioning, it's patterning, that's how we've always done it. But if you're open to exploring or you what I love is I love another great tip for couples

that they love is that is mutual masturbation because with mutual masturbation, first off, super hot. Super hot. It's the sure thing. First off, you know you're both a gram of orgasms, but it's also like you can learn, it's educational. I'm like, oh, that's what you do.

I think you know that you put your hand over the tip and grab your balls. I never grab your balls. I never grab your balls and now we grab your balls, right? I don't like the balls. I said, we're not the balls. You were also different. I didn't know my last partner, one of the balls touched

and you do or you don't. So I think that's a really fun thing to do. And then you can also learn like, what else? You know, I didn't think that I was able to have an internal orgasm or a G-spot orgasm as they call it because I was never able to during penetration. And it wasn't until I literally took matters into my own hands when I started this work almost 20 years ago that everything changed for me.

I was like, oh, okay, so I have to use a toy in this certain way. Or it helps to already have a literal orgasm first. And then once I have a literal orgasm, all the nerve endings internally become more and gorge and I'm more likely to have an internal or G-spot orgasm as they call it, I call it G-area. I think what else am I missed here? So for penis owners, I think or for men, what are some of the misconceptions? I guess same thing that can only happen in a certain way. Yeah, that you can have a prostate orgasm.

If you haven't gandered there, that's a fun topic That's the secret I almost brought you guys some prostate toys I want to try it out Well, I want to show you a few more podcasts for you I want to show them too because also I was flying. I didn't know I wanted to bring you my closet like you last time I'll cause it sites have to kind of gauge the water here But you can have an incredible orgasm if you stimulate your prostate.

Different. How common is it for like your sexual preferences and ways you orgasm to evolve and change throughout like a relationship? A lot. Often. So that's the other thing that your orgasm is not a fixed state.

It can get, it can change as you get older. Maybe it's quicker when you're younger or it takes longer as when you're older because our hormones are changing. And you just kind of different kinds, different ways. I mean, I find this for men a lot, like they don't really realize that there's all these like places that can feel really good, like stimulate their perineum, which is like the taint, like in between you guys know, the balls in your ass, there's a little area, that

indirect stimulation is a prostate that can feel great and you might have a different kind of orgasm. So I think it does change. And also expecting that, like maybe you can't come three times like you did in your 20s. Like I know I were my boyfriend in my early 20s, like he would come in three times. It's like 20 minutes or something.

And like that just doesn't happen as much anymore because of hormones because we get older. So you know, your refractory period, again, the time that takes to come again, like take a little bit longer. And so, I think just kind of normalizing that. Is there any science to support my crazy mother-in-law and her ideas around she could tell by skin and like, I mean, she feels like she, like the way it's going. Can you get it? Yeah, no, she literally, she, like think I said that he's making these conversations up.

Like, she's... I know, I wanna come over for the coming hour. You would just absolutely love her. I'd love, yeah, conversing with her because she is just an open book and loves to talk about stuff. But yeah, she will, many times, you know, ask my wife about our sex life

because of she can tell by her the way her skin is. Like how? I don't know that that's, it can't improve your, for sure, it can improve your skin circulation, but I don't know that that's, it can improve your, for sure, can improve your skin circulation, but I don't know that you can tell that it's only because of sex, that it's gonna be. Maybe if you were having a lot of sex or like all week

and long, you guys were in the bedroom, one of the covers and are doing your thing right out over the covers, maybe, but I don't think that it's, yeah, that. Let's talk about sex IQ. You mentioned this in the book, and you mentioned five pillars. Yeah. Can we talk about those?

Yeah, let's talk about the five pillars. So, so the five pillars of sex IQ, so what I realized is after all these years, and you guys just, this is why we're so similar, like I got so many questions right over the years. Hundreds of thousands, I've probably answered tens of thousands of questions, and then I realized that it all boils down to maybe about like five. Do you guys have the same thing? Do you have the same five questions? And the variations of it, it sounds different.

Yeah, the deeper, the longer I've done this, the more I realize it all boils down to just like a few things. That's exactly. But it can be very different how you communicate it. Exactly. So I realized after all these years, it really just, that whatever question anyone has. And this actually happened, like I said when I was writing the book,

I obviously had this vision of like, I want people to like every day I get an email from someone who can't have an orgasm, or an email from a guy who can't get an erection, or feel shame about his penis size, or wants to know why he doesn't have the desire he used to, or how do I ask my partner to blink? That's one of the top questions.

Like how do I get, and I was like, oh my God, and I love it. I love it because everyone's story does come package a little bit different, but at the end of the day, it's the same things. So when I was writing, I was like, there's gotta be a way to empower people to kind of figure this out for themselves

to troubleshoot, if you will, to sort of reverse engineer, whatever they desire they want, and to look at these five areas. So the five pillars are becoming sexually intelligent, so the first one to look at is embodied. And again, this is what it says, you never get to a place where you are like five-start,

sexually intelligent, where you're like, okay, I've got it now and I can move on and learn to play golf or something. It is an ongoing thing where you always are working at this. Just like that. Probably because you're always changing your eyes. We talk about that with the fitness. It's the same thing.

It's a journey. There's no destination. It's a freaking journey. There is no exactly. There is no destination. But now you know what to look for. Right. You know you know.

So the first one is embodiment. So embodiment is just am I aware of how my body feels. Of like even an embodiment exercises like, you know, if you close your eyes and you like take your hands, I just like part of it to be connected. You put your hands over their your hands, I do this part or two, like, to be connected, you put your hands over their wrist, and I'm right now I'm feeling like how it feels to touch myself.

Like that is embodied in feeling my hands, on my wrist, do I feel, you know, my feet on the floor, am I embodied and in touch with my bodies, my moveable? I'm coming on that real quick. I wanna comment on that real quick because someone may be listening to me like, well of course I feel things.

We see this in fitness all the time, where we'll do an exercise with someone, and they'll say, where am I supposed to feel this? Exactly. And feel things. We see this in fitness all the time, where we'll do an exercise with someone and they'll say, where am I supposed to feel this? Exactly. And it's because we say this in fitness all the time, people are not in their bodies. It could also be disconnecting from certain emotions. So like men tend to disconnect from like emotions that may make them feel weak. And so because of that we tend to disconnect.

Yeah. So we disconnect from our bodies as well because you can't do either or, it tends to be both. So what you're saying is such a big deal. I want people to know that this is like really, really big and that most people have some issues with really being fully in their bodies. Fully in their bodies, especially during sex.

We tend to disassociate. We tend to think like, I hope you'll be going to our heads with fantasizing. We're like, I hope they don't notice that my left boobs bigger than my right boobs, where, my penis is not hard enough. So think of all the thoughts that you have during sex. If I tell you the only thoughts you should be having is how something is feeling and I talk a lot about that in the book about how to get into a place of embodiment really

easy easily by using your senses. You can immediately sink into that to be feel more embodied. If you're like, okay, when I'm starting sex, I'm worried about things or I didn't send this email off yet or if you just immediately ground yourself, you're like, okay, I am what am I you take the five senses? What am I smelling? Okay, I'm spelling the vanilla candle. What am I seeing? I'm seeing my partner's body. What am I hearing? I'm hearing their breath. You go through the five senses and you're like, ground it and you might have have to do that a few times during sex, that's going to immediately bring you past it. So that's one of them. And that is a, that helps

with anxiety, that helps with stress, that helps anytime you're having thoughts that aren't serving you, but especially in the bedroom. So that's the first one in body. I have to call it on the screen. You're just reminding me, I mean, and hopefully it helps some people, right? So that was a big hack for us. And I'd never thought of it as like an exercise. But I I'm guilty of this of if you if Katrina would come into bed say it's a you can get to bed early at the clock but she asked me a business question and I can't I'm listening to you what I'm connecting is that it really it takes me out of being present I instantly am now here and

thinking of all the stress of work, this and that, and it's like, I don't care if I was super in the mood right before that, I cannot help it. I am now, I'm so much. You're like writing numbers, you're playing out the spreadsheet, you're like, yeah, exactly. Which is cool about that,

is I feel like you just gave me some tools that if and when that happens. You just got to remind yourself yourself. Yeah, because we've disciplined ourselves to like, what she knows, like do not ask me a word question yet. When we go in that bedroom, we're all, she's definitely not getting sex. So she knows better for the most part, but I'm sure there's going to be a time again where that accidentally happens.

And so a great exercise you're saying would be for me to get reconnected. Is it exactly to touch, breathe, swell? You could do it together. Yeah, no. And I also, so another thing happens. Because again, this happens to me, this happens to everybody, for nothing is breath. So does a part of me will sit and will breathe,

I'm like, can he know, is because he, we've been together, he sees the book, he knows what I do, and he'll be like, should we breathe for a minute, since when I'm not present, I'm like, or like the sex will start, and if you guys can relate to this, and then I'm like, oh my god, I wasn't even ready yet, or how did this, how, I make it already,

like I, what's moving too fast, or I just didn't do it, and I'm not present. I'll just step, is like, should we then I'm like, oh my God, I wasn't even ready yet or how did this how I make it already. Like I was moving too fast or I just didn't do it. I'm not present. I'll set this like, should we breathe for a minute and it's like it's so anchoring to sit and just to like look into my partner's eyes and we'll take like a few deep breaths and we breathe together. It resets everything. You know, same thing with Dr. Dyserot and you're breathing and your focus, you can be more embodied. That's one thing and that just helps us. It's not just even in the middle of sex. If you don't have time to run through the five senses, just breathe, just breathe deeply. And then another great hack for this is to breathe into your pelvic floor and do like a keggell, a quick tense of your, because that's where all your sexual energy is anyway. And so it just helps

you connect to your body to your sexual energy. That's where the orgasm is going to happen. So all these things really anchor. So that's embodiment is just one of the pillars. Like am I embodied either in life and throughout the day, do I try to like be embodied and be present? I just think we all know about mindfulness and how important it is. I just think it's a great tool.

Like am I more embodied than not? So that's the first pillar of it. So God that was helpful. The second one is health. Now this is crazy and the reason why I think this might be obvious to some people, but I can't tell you how we were like, I can't orgasm, I can't get erection, I'll say what are you on in any medication. Oh yeah, I'm on antidepressants, I'm on blood pleasure medication. Unfortunately, we don't do a great job

of telling people when they start taking medication with a side effects hour, or we don't listen. But if you have been on the birth control pill, you're on an antidepressant and SSRI, it's gonna impact, it could impact your ability to have an orgasm to say hard to say, so that's just one example of health. And you're moving your body, are you exercising? Is there blood flow that's gonna help with eruptions, arousal orgasm, the foods that you're eating,

what you're putting into your body? Again, all of that is a factor. Therapy, too, that's your mental health and your physical health is a second pillar. Have you been in therapy and dealt with your issues? Whatever they are, your sexual issues, your traumas. You know, I can't recommend therapy enough. I think we all need therapy.

It is, I think it's a requirement. Essentially, like getting a second opinion on your life. It's not this thing. I think people still have a stigma around it, but that's the second pillar is your health and wellness. How good are you with that? And some days, so while I walk through how to use these in a second, but the third one is your self-awareness.

And so, or self-knowledge. Self-knowledge is about how well do I know myself? Like, I know that if it's cold in the house, I'm not gonna want to sex. If I haven't, so do I know well do I know myself? Like, I know that if it's cold in the house, I'm not gonna want to sex. If I haven't, so do I know, do I know that certain positions are that I require for play before sex is gonna happen? Or I know that I need lube, or I know,

like, what have you learned? We all have a sexual history. Whether even with three people or 30 people, or at sex or someone one time or 10 times, you know what you need. Like, you know the bare minimum of what you might need. And you might know more than others. And hopefully this will help people do a deeper dive.

Like what do you need? The fourth one is self acceptance. Do I accept my body where I'm at today? Do I accept my experience? Do I accept just, this is more about confidence. Do I, do I accept where I'm at today? And then the fifth one, which is a really important one, is collaboration and that's communication.

How well do I communicate with my partner about what I need, my desires, my turn-ons? I've got a lot of great tips in the book that walk the whole, like I think one of my favorite chapters is the communication chapter because I know how hard it is for people to have conversations about sex. And I'm going to go on a limb and say that 9 out of 10 couples have not had healthy, healthy conversations about sex. And I'm gonna go out and live and say that nine out of 10 couples have not had healthy, healthy conversations about sex. Like really where they're like, what is my turn on? What do I need?

What's the requirement for me? Or maybe they had it once a few years ago. Like I'm saying couples, I want people to have these conversations all the time. And how you work through these pillars is, and we can get into that. But I'll literally do a note in my phone and be like, okay, because I know how important sex is,

I'll think, okay, where am I at all these today? Okay, well, I didn't work out, so I don't feel as great, or I haven't talked to my partner about this thing that's been bothering me, so that's gonna impact it. So if you look at all of these pillars and you run through them, you can diagnose and you can figure out what's going on with your own body.

Yeah, so it's interesting that you're saying all these, because there's things that you can do out what's going on with your own body. Yeah, so it's interesting that you're saying all these because there's things that you can do with your partner that I think together that help tackle some of these, like together. Like exercising together could be great because it puts you both in your body. There's typically communication. There's a level of vulnerability when you exercise

with someone because you're struggling, you're sweating, you're grunting. So once you get comfortable with that, so we're already kind of comfortable with each other. So I can see that with massage too, like massaging your partner because you're touching each other, you're in your body. Oh, I'm comfortable now with my body. He's already touching me or she's already touching me. And then you're able to progress from there.

And so you're saying, because you've been doing this for a while, you're obviously our favorite expert on this, you're saying most things you can pretty much boil down to these five. So if you're having challenges, look at these five areas. Dive into those five. And kind of dive in and see which one resonates. Yeah, exactly. Look at your hormones. And it might be, yeah, there might be, in all the, some people are like, oh God, all

those areas, I'm not great at. No one's getting all ACO pluses and all those, but it's just, yeah, it's in the very top. That's what it's like. That's what the low hanging fruit by the way. You mentioned health as trainers, we all noticed this. Anybody who's listening is a trainer coach right now. We'll attest to this. One of the most common, I guess, pieces of feedback

we'd get from clients was that. That's what we do. The sex life got better. And we're just working on that. I was just gonna say, I mean, obviously we're biased because we're in the health space, but I would think that that has to be the most important or one of the most important

because I'm gonna say it is still. Okay, good, because it just feels like that is, that there's so many things that could impact that. Everything from like you said, the drugs, the hormones, the energy level. I mean, even how healthy you are will probably affect yourself confidence in that side. I feel like if we had to pick one of these five

that is probably- That leads into a category. It does, it really does. I can't tell you how many times I'm like, where are you moving your body? Are you eating correctly? Are you lifting weights? All the things are so important,

but if you're not, if someone isn't and they haven't moved their body and they haven't, it's literally bluffing. If you're not gonna have any energy down there in your pelvic area, your penis, your vagina, like they're just, yeah, it's huge factor. Yeah, and if you're eating bad, you're inflamed, you're digestion, like anybody ever want to have sex when you're, you know, constipated or you're diaria, like nobody wants to have sex like that.

Exactly. So I could just imagine the health thing being, it's huge. You have to be like the first thing. But yeah, we're the people don't really connect it. I mean, I'm telling you, now hopefully now they will. And we're teaching a lot of people about, people just think it's sex is sort of this magical, how many people think about it is like this.

I don't really know how it works, but like I'm just gonna close my eyes out for the best, right? But it's all related. I think it's because we all know how good it feels. So we just assume that it should be so easy because in both people should want it all the time because like, oh, we all know that if you've experienced sex, that you know, it's a good feeling. How about this? Like, could you, you mentioned like how comfortable you are in your own body and a lot of people feel shame about their body or maybe they hate their body. We deal with this a lot in

the fitness and health space. Part of it is we tend to consciously or subconsciously compare ourselves to the super rare, perfect bodies on social media, without realizing it, we scroll through, we look at them, we can't help but make ourselves compare ourselves. I don't look like that. And my partner might want that. And I don't want to get naked.

Oh no, he's gonna see me in this particular way or she's gonna see me in this particular way in the light Do you ever recommend to people like? Get off Social media stop looking at these because it's making you feel bad about yourself or comparing yourself in unrealistic ways often Yes, comparing despair is just so detrimental It's yeah, I get it's our following sex positive sex positive accounts, things that make you feel good, bondies that make you feel good. I think it's so healthy. It's just, if someone's not making you feel good,

unfollow them right now. Like pick up your phone right now, and who said, when you're looking at an account, something comes up and it makes you go cringe, it's unfollow them. And try to fill your brain, whatever we focus on becomes our reality. So if you can start to focus on things

that make you feel good, and I have a lot of also exercises in the book about how to do this like really like mirroring exercises where you're looking at your body in the mirror and you're looking at the things that you actually do like and appreciate about your body. I mean you've to get comfortable with your own body naked because if you're not comfortable with yourself naked, how are you going to feel comfortable naked with anybody else? This body hate thing, a body discussed. I mean, it's just, it does not work with sex, okay? And also, like it's, and even if you're getting people,

I'm not saying you feel love your body, but what I try to get people to is a body neutrality, at least you're neutral. If you're just neutral, you're like, I accept my body. It's just gonna help you so much in the bedroom, feel connected to your sexuality, because then you realize we all just have these bodies and really like so much of sex is your brain

and your body connection. And so if you can start just thinking thoughts that are gonna make you feel better about it and removing things like negative accounts or people that make you feel bad, then this is really gonna help you. And people who do pride for themselves or you see bodies that you think are,

you're a lot of people who are deprived or not eating or maybe they're really thin or whatever you are aspirational, I see people who are depriving themselves, like deprivation does not lead to desire, like strong sexual desire. And mainly the most ripped,

we know this because this is our space, I tell you what's that, the most ripped fake, whatever, you look at them on Instagram, they have terrible libido. Yes, exactly. They're overworked, they don't eat, they are body obsessed. Body obsession does not lead to-

That is curative. Body obsession does not lead to body, it helps a great sex. No, no. And body obsession is rampant in the health and fitness base. Oh my God, it really is. And a lot of people that communicate health and fitness are body obsessed.

So I wanna stay on the five pillars, I have some questions, I'm trying to relate it to fitness, like how I would coach somebody in fitness. So let's say you have these five pillars and let's say there's you know you kind of assess all of them. Would you coach somebody to look at it like oh man this is the one I'm really bad at so I need to address that or here's the one that I could be better at but I already kind of get it and would you tell someone to lean into something that they can move the needle the most? I guess the way I'm trying to word this the best I can

is like, I've recognized in myself that there's been times in my life, for sure, I know that when I'm in the best shape, I feel super confident we have this great sex, but then I've also recognized other times where I'm like, man, I wasn't even in very good shape, we're having some of the most amazing sex, but I would attribute that to the other,

because the other pillars were going so good, communication's going, that it overpowered the insecure body feeling that maybe I've had in the past. So knowing that about myself, would you coach someone to lean in to what they're already doing well and be great at it, or look at the things that you're terrible at

and trying to address that? Oh, I think it depends on the person, but I think it's really good to lean into what's easy for you and definitely do more of that. But also, because I think it all matters, if you're like, well, I'm just gonna keep working out because that's where I feel good. I'm gonna do more weights and I'm gonna do more supplements.

I'm gonna feel a lot better. But as you're doing that, you're spending more time with a gym, more time we're got and you're loving your body. But you have not collaborated with your partner at all. You haven't told them what your desires are. You even let them know that you need sex in a certain way or you want to try things new.

That is gonna be detrimental. So I think you kind of have to look at all of them, lay them out and kind of do a little bit. And I'm not even gonna say every day because that's so hard, we do this every day, but kind of like look at your week and say, because another thing about this book is like, it's also about pleasure.

And I think in pleasure, not just in the sex realm, but pleasure, just in life. Like what are you doing that makes you feel that that is good for you? And we're so, we put pleasure on conditions. Like I only can have, you know, go do whatever you're pleasure. They have deaf dessert if I work out

or I can only go see a friend or do this thing. It makes you feel good. If I check these 10 things off my list, but pleasure is productive. Pleasure is going to, pleasure is presence. And pleasure is going to help us feel better about every area in our life. So if you kind of look at some of these things and say, like, I guess my point of that is that when we say we're going to do something every day, that's really hard, but can we look at some of these areas and be like, what could I do more of in my life?

What could I program in my life and look at overall that would, but I look at the week, right? Not everyday, but okay, so like I look at the pillar and I look like, what could I do that's fun? I haven't talked to my partner a while. Maybe we need a date night because I think you were mentioning date night earlier just in that it's like, it's so true that date night,

there have been studies that show that couples who have date night once a week as a non-negotiable have much healthier, stronger relationships. So maybe you say on your date night that I'm going to try to work in, find something that's pleasurable, and I haven't been great at collaboration, communication. I'm going to plan the date night, and then when we're doing that, that's something that I already love and that feels good. I'm going to do the yes, no, maybe less on that date night.

That's going to be a little something different. I'm going to continue to work out. I'm going to continue to start to work on some of myself confident stuff, but that, well, so you can kind of work it into other eras of your life, because I do not want this to become another chore and another burden for people. I want this to be like fun, because sex is fun. Everyone's sex was fun and the touch was really fun.

Like, what the fuck happened? Yeah. That's actually the whole thing. All right, so you had written down some notes for us to kind of ask you on. One of the things that stood out to me, well, the whole thing that stood out to me, one of them was that you wanted to rebrand anal sex. Now, first off,

I think that that has become, I read some statistics on that. That has become much more normalize over the last couple of decades, probably due to pornography, I would assume. Okay, so, what do you mean by rebrand? Like, what's going on there? Oh my God. Because I think they get this bad rap. Okay, so it's aspirational. People love it. It's taboo. Definitely since porn, it's become much more ubiquitous and everyone wants to talk about it. But I think that it gets a bad rap

because it's so like we feel like it could be such a, that it is taboo, it's wrong. We've shame around it. The aim is just for exiting or it's dirty or there's certain women I know who think, oh, I'm going to, once I'm married, I guess I'll let my partner do it then, but it's for his pleasure. I'm going to have our sexual couples right now.

Okay. So there's all these conditions and all these ideas we have around sex. It's dirty, it's wrong, it's shameful and taboo, but I want to rerun it and say, well, wait a minute. We all have anuses, we all have assholes, or we want to say it, we do. And it's packed with nerve endings. And it can feel really, all of sexes and nerve endings.

All of sexes literally stimulate finding the best, the most efficient way to stimulate all these feel good nerve endings in our bodies. That's not, that's blood flow and nerve endings. At the end of the day, those are my, like, understand that. So if that's true, and I'm telling you that it is, what if we figure out the best way to have anal play?

It doesn't have to be anal sex, and I have a lot of great, you know, tips on this, but really most of us are doing it wrong. So maybe we had anal, and it was like the partner put it in without loob, because one of my top tips is the loob, loob, go slow and breathe. But if it was just like a drunken night or it was the wrong hole, because you thought it was something,

we have a bad experience. It's like oops, wrong hole. It's like oh no, that's still never again. I'm never gonna do it again. But if you mindfully play, starting with like maybe no a finger and you explore and you're with a trusted partner and you feel safe and you learn to empty your bottles because yes, it can be messy,

but like most of us know the right way to have, you know, no one we're gonna have to go to the bathroom or not and just, you just can kind of troubleshoot it. I've actually found that when people take this into consideration and re-examine their relationship to anal, they actually have a really good time. They like it and it feels good. You know, not for everybody, but again have a really good time. They like it and it feels good.

Not for everybody, but again, nothing is for everybody. No sex actors are everybody, but I turn around to like rethink wherever they believe to be true about sex and kind of turn it on its head and go, do I still believe that? Is that still true? What else can I learn here?

There was a study that came out, I wanna say five years ago, that kind of made mainstream a little bit on that and it said something like women who have anal sex are, I don't remember how many times more likely to orgasm than women who don't. I don't know if you read that or not, but the speculation was that wasn't necessary

to the anal sex, but rather that they were more open to doing more things and just more relaxed and therefore that led more to. That makes sense, I can say that. It was more the psychological aspect of it. Yeah, I mean, you could also have like indirect stimulation to the to the G-spot through anal sex so that can also help, but I could see someone who's just open in their bodies. There's, again, the more nerve endings we're going to stimulate, the more potential for orgasm and pleasure.

And your nipples too, there's nipples are related to the same regions of the brain that are stimulated. The clitoris of the nipples are both activate the same regions of the brain for orgasm, like the anus. It's all related, even like our anus and our clitoris are our penis and our butt. It's like, we separate it all because of religion and society. We've had to chop it up or anal sex just means you're gay if you're a man, which, you know, it's who you're having sex with, might decide that you're gay. Not that you want to feel good, but these things.

So, I think that's what's really fun to kind of, that's why I spend so much time too in the book talking about shame. And, you know, I think early on in the book of a minute, I know you want my anal sex tips, but first let's talk about shame. Shame. Because if we can get rid of the shame

and the trauma and the stress, we're all gonna have a really good time here. Well, what is that process? The rebrand cold. Obviously. So it's the rebrand called. Yeah. I don't know. I think the word home away from home. The other one. Yeah. Walking into the back door. I jacked you. No. Just the was my dream of rock. Now I can do the good titles right now.

You know, I'll see you at the point. You know what I was going with that. The other way, please. Obviously you would recommend, probably, if someone's got a lot of trauma, so I shame over something, I think the default is therapy and work through that. If maybe you've already done some therapy, are there things that that person or exercises or things that you would recommend outside of the obvious therapy? For shame.

Yeah, shame. And for stress and trauma and shame, I think first it's examining where your beliefs about sex come from. So, okay, so I love this question because think about it right now. Like, is there anything that you think about sex and you think, oh, God, I can never do that? Like, that's, that'll be wrong. Like, you know, I think anal too, so we're like, oh God, it's just for exiting or that makes me dirty. Well then, then you get to go, this is the exercise.

Where does that come from? Huh. Where did that come? Oh, okay, that's right. Someone shaved me for that in high school. Like we have different sources or the, you know, in church or my parents or someone, I think the person's gonna to judge me and then you get to go, oh, that's the source. That's not me. That's not mine. Someone implanted that into my brain. I get to separate

from that. That's not mine. Well, how do I want to rebrand that? What do I want to believe? What I want to believe? Believe in the copyright affirmations. Like, I believe that my body is ready and deserving of pleasure at all times. I get to figure out what feels good to me. I'm in charge of my own pleasure. All of these things, like affirmations, mirroring, and just kind of re-learning, and unlearning. Unlearning all the harmful messages around sex, because really what is messing us up is that we don't feel safe talking about it. There's been so much judgment around it that we just aren't in these sexual straight

jackets. I just want people to remove that, and that's part of it with shame. there's been so much judgment around it that we just are like in these like sexual straight jackets I just want people to like remove that and that's part of it with shape So what is the source of the shame removing and then replacing it like reading listening to sex positive voices Images and just kind of like yeah unlearning and then re learning what are great ways to open up conversations like that with your partners I know there's a lot of people listening who are like oh gosh, you know, there's just, I have this desire or I like these things, but I don't know if I could tell my partner. It's kind of embarrassing. Are they going to judge me? What's this going to mean? What are great ways to open, I guess, conversations? And also, there's, what's the difference between fantasy and real life? Because I think a lot of people have, they think if I say this,

then they think I really want this, but it's just a fantasy. Oh, such good questions. Okay, so well, first let's do that. And then I want to come back to the compliment sandwich. So that's my great, I love the cup. That's like a great way to communicate. But let's first talk about the difference in fantasies. There's two kinds of fantasies. There's a fantasies that you want to happen.

I like, I think it would be so hot if you tied me up. We talked dirty. We had a three, so I'm like, that has got to happen. And then there's the ones that we just want to keep to ourselves. There's the ones that we just like to think about, or the ones that we want to share what we don't really want it to happen, but we're like, I think this is what turns me on. Maybe we could like dirty talk it,

but mostly, I guess let me make that clear. There's the ones that we want to happen, and the ones we don't want to happen. We just want to think about them. And it's okay to keep things to yourself too. You don't have to share every thought with your partner, okay them. And it's okay to keep things to yourself too. You don't have to share every thought with your partner, okay? It's okay that you fantasize about an X.

I don't know how people feel about that right now. It's okay that you fantasize about an X. It's okay that you fantasize about that hot person you just saw on the street. Like that's all okay. You don't need to share that with your partner. But then there's the ones that you do want to happen, okay? That there's the ones that you're like,

God, I can't stop thinking about you in late texts. Or I can't stop thinking about you having sex with your partner. But then there's the ones that you do want to happen. Okay? That you're there's the ones that you're like, God, I can't stop thinking about you in late texts or I can't stop thinking about you having sex with somebody else. So those, those are the differences with fantasies. And how does someone know the difference of that, right? So I think that's a great question. Yeah, because I've heard people, like, I know, I have people where they'll have a fantasy, but then there, then, then themselves would be like, oh my God, does that mean that that, that I really want that real life? Because I really really want that in real life. Like things like where sex is maybe more rough

or public and they think, well, I wouldn't want to really do that in real life, but why do I find that as a turn on type of deal? Yeah, well, I think that's a great question. I think you've to do some investigating, okay? So I'm gonna bring, I'm gonna talk about three sums because that's probably the number one fantasy for everyone, for my and for women.

So let's say you're like, I don't know if I want to actually have one. I like to think about it. I think it's really hot. So and you could fill in the blank here with rough sex or dirty talk. You think it's hot. This will work for any of that. Watch some porn with it with your partner. And like just, you know, and I'll get to the conversation about this first because they're

like, but I've never even watched porn that part. But let's say you turn important and be like, okay, I'm picturing the three some happening and watching it my part, would I actually want this to happen? Then you can even take it in the bedroom, you could dirty top it, you could like roll, like work it out, like workshop it.

Like right now I'm picturing somebody like going down a new or you're with somebody else. How does it actually make you feel in the moment? That's a great way to test if it's something you actually want to happen is by like bringing it close to the bedroom like through porn or through dirty talking and you get to kind of test like again embodied, being your body.

Like how do that make me feel? Did it make me like tense? Did it make me more open? Like what did it make me feel? So I think that's a great way to test it. And again, if you're in a relationship with somebody where you feel safe, and again, this whole talking about sex thing becomes a lot easier over time.

You will get this comfortable talking about sex, like you're talking about the weather, like overcast with chance of orgasms today. It will become just as easy and normalized. So that's one thing. I think that's how you know, and again, if you're with a partner that's safe, like again, with my partner,

when we talk about all of it, it just becomes like, again, I know, we're like, well, that's you, but yeah, but it wasn't always like that with all of my other partners. Like, I had to learn too and find someone who's comfortable with it that we just sort of talk about things. Like, I thought I wanted that,

and now I don't. Guess we got to reroute and find other things. There are endless things that you can do in a relationship. So it's okay if you try something out, but it's not what you want. So, is that- And you brought out the compliment sandwich or had to bring it up.

Tell me about that. Okay, so here's the compliment sandwich, because this is a great way. So let's say you've never talked about a tech with your partner, but there's something that you are like, I just, I don't know, I really want, what would be a good thing here?

Is there something you guys hear? Like maybe it could be mutual masturbation. Maybe you're like, I really wanna try this. Yeah. Try this. So come from a challenge. You start with something that you love about your relationship, your sex life, you start with something like,

oh God, I, I, I kept up thinking about how hot it was. Last night when we had sex. I loved the way you were going down to me. I feel like you were doing all these things. That was such a hot way to come. Have an orgasm. You compliment something that just happened or something that you love about your sex life.

And then this is the second part where you bring in something that you'd like to happen and something that you constructive, something that you want to try. You know what? And I was just listening to mine, Pomp. I was listening to this podcast. I was listening to the saxophone, then, and they were talking about mutual master, but I think that would be so hot for us. Like, I feel like when we are so connected, so you're going down to me and I realize it felt

really good. And there was this part of me that it was sort of stimulated by your tongue and your fingers. I think it'd be really hard to try mutual masturbation together because I would love to use my toy and kind of explore this area. And I'd love to see you masturbate because I realize I've never seen that. And I think it'd be, you know, just so hot for us to do it together. And then you end with, so that's like your request.

That's like how you're requesting something. And then you end it with, because I think the more we experiment with things together and we try new things. It's gonna make our sex life even hotter even better So you kind of the first piece of bread is like something that you love Then the request for the suggestion and then you like why it's good for both of you. You could plug three some into that I Think it was so hot, you know watching that whatever like usually three sums come up, I don't know, this is, you could be like, I think, I don't know, three sums is a tough one to work in here if you've never talked about sex. But again, that's a tough one to work in, but anything is possible.

That's what it's all about. Yeah. Don't start with three sum, but just talk about fantasies. What are the three most memorable times you've had sex? That's a great conversation starter with your partner. I think the big challenge too is with couples is that, for the other person listening, that it may make them feel like they're not enough then for you or does that mean that you don't want me

or you want this other thing? Three something. Yeah, any conversation. Any conversation. That's true. Yeah. And so this is where it takes a lot of, and this is why I spend so much time on this on my show

and in the book is like, when we bring up sex to our partners, it's none of us do it. Like we talk about health and nutrition way more easily. Like, oh, I've been wanting to lose some weight. I got to start working out. That's totally normalized. But the second you say to your partner, let's talk about sex, I'm going to get, I'm going to say that most likely they're going to go into fight or flight. They're going to be like, holy shit, I'm not a good lover.

My penis is as bad as I thought it was or a small or a, you know, like, the, I'm fat. Whatever you think of, we go to the terrible, terrible place because it's not normal. Because we're like, if you're bringing up a suggestion, it must mean that I am a horrible person, a horrible lover. So this is where you say, you have to say, you know, I'm bringing this up. I realize we haven't talked about sex a lot. So this is how I encourage everyone to have these cut. Even if you're not ready for the compliments, Sam, much you say to your partner tonight, many people, you say, and again, there's time to do this. So maybe it's not tonight

if you don't have time, but maybe it's your next day tonight. And you say, I realize, and I want you to say, because you're listening to this podcast, it's a great way to give fodder that we haven't talked about our sex life very much. And I've heard that couples And you say, I realize, and I want you to say, because you're listening to this podcast, it's a great way to give fun, or that we haven't talked about our sex life very much. And I've heard that couples that talk about their sex life have a lot healthier sex. And I know that we kind of talk about it here and there, but I wonder if you'd be open to adopting

a new practice of talking about our sex life. And then you're part of might say, well, what's wrong? What'd you hear? What'd you think? What do you want? That will happen. No, I'm telling you. I thought you might react that way. And they actually told me that. I got a troubleshoot for this. I've never done this either.

I want to learn to be great communicators with each other. Because I think we can both agree, babe. We want to be great lovers to each other. Am I right? Yeah, yeah. Okay, good. Well, apparently the way to do that is to communicate about sex and to be really honest and open. And I don't think we've done that. I don't even really know what it means yet, but would you be open to talk about it?

And then just keep saying, like, and then if they're not, no. Couples to talk about sex being the sex life is over. I would listen to that and I wouldn't continue to put, remember, it's not a one time conversation. You can listen to that say okay. Seems like a lot to come up for here and then you can bring it up again. I imagine there's a table conversations around this right?

So the table conversations that I told you that we use is like all kinds of random stuff it has nothing to do with sex but it leads that many times right because just having good conversation. But I bet Doug if you were to Google like table conversations that are adult or a set, they're just going to say this is a great hack because it takes the pressure off each other or talk about it. And it's random, dry random car that says that's why I love that. Yeah, the cars are great. The yes, no, maybe this is, I love that because it takes the pressure off.

And it's like, I didn't bring it up. Here it is on the list. Yeah. You think about exactly. I have a list of like 69 questions in the book. Okay. I don't know. I was like, I have so many. I'm like, I'm going to make 69 and their think about that. Exactly. I've a list of like 69 questions in the book. Okay. That's a pretty interesting number. We're in a number. I don't know.

I was like, I've so many. I'm like, I'm gonna make 69 and their questions like that. Like, what's our biggest, what's your biggest turn on? Like, what's, what's the number one most, most, you know, what's your favorite part of your body? What's your, on your sexual bucket list? You know, there's 69. It was open to that page, like skip around and be like,

have dinner that night and have a glass of wine and be like, let's do that because what I try to do is, I try to give people these tips because I know how hard it is. So there's like a whole, there's a whole slew of different exercises that you can do, but yes, picking up the cards is an awesome way to do that.

That's awesome. You know, again, you're such a great person to ask because you've been working with people on this for so long. Do you find common questions among younger couples versus older couples or is it all kind of similar? That's all the same. That's all the same. Yeah.

It's all the same. It's how do we keep it interesting? How do we keep it fresh? How do we make time for it? How do we keep, yeah, like how do we get our desire up or why don't I see? Maybe when you're a little bit older, there's more questions about like, you know, desire,

wetness or a rouse all or like that. Well, in that vein, what about things that you've seen because like us, you've been doing your profession for a very long time and, you know, I definitely see things different today that are challenges for people getting in shape and being healthy than what I saw 20 years ago. Has that evolved and changed?

Yeah, I'd be interested to know what it is in fitness too, that's so interesting. But I would say that porn is one of them. Yeah, porn is a huge factor. Social media. So whether it's just flirting online or seeing your partner on Instagram and liking other photos,

and like, I think there's always been jealousy since the beginning of time, but that is sort of kind of- The accessibility now is just so crazy. Exactly, it just so crazy. Exactly. It's so accessible. But when it comes to sex specifically, I would say, um, I don't know, I think probably porn, there's a lot more sex to I think both the good things is that there's more sex

toys and they're more accessible now and their body safe. They're not like all look like penises. Like that's the other thing. Most sex toys could fit in the palm of your hand. And they're literally just little vibration machines that feel really great on nerve endings. So they're not as as, to intimidating.

They're just as titillating, not as intimidating. What else is the, is other things to you? I think we'd be dating apps with cheating, but I don't know about sexually what it's gonna be. Let's talk about dating apps. So I saw, kind of forget who talked about this. Our buddy, Chris Williams, and had somebody on the show that talked about

how bad dating apps actually have been for partnering up and stuff. And, you know, their touted is amazing. One in four couples meet online now. And so we've pushed these dating apps so hard, but what we're starting to find is it's starting to, I don't know, cattle like a small percentage are getting now a ton of access in people.

And then a lot of people are getting ignored, which is probably not good for us. I mean, what are your thoughts on dating apps and where they're going? I mean, I can obviously, we can, we can, we've already heard all the good cases. You know, somebody couldn't find somebody, oh, we met online, we're across the world, now we've really loved and we're married, but not a lot of conversation around the negative things around that. What are your thoughts? Yeah, you know, I think that so

you're saying like the algorithm is people just aren't getting picked and they're not getting any feedback on the apps that they find is that like that like the top 5% of men are getting like 80% of the activity And then like the top 1% get like all of it and every other guy gets no like he gets ignored or whatever because it I mean It mirrors a real world where you know men have to ask for women and women tend to be the ones that turn down But now it's like yeah it's just amplified it. I could see that. I could see, and I have heard some of this too, statistically speaking, that it is harder for me.

But first I would say that there's a lot of dating apps out there. So if you're on Tinder or Bumble, those are the most popular ones. So maybe find a more niche app. And then there's like, they're out there. There's so many. There's so many different ones you could find. Farmers only.

Basically, farmers only. Exactly, farmers, I was gonna say that. We love that example, but it is true. There's like apps for farmers. There's like meetups, okay? So you're gonna think it's pretty a meetups around forever. There's different things that you can do

like if you like to hike or you like to ride horses or you like to, you know, whatever, your cowboys or your, like to cook, you could go, you could clowns, you could find and meet up in your area tonight. Just go like, meet up that con or meet up that, and you could find something happening where you're gonna meet people in real life who are sharing a common thing that you like to do with the

other person. I think that's right. That's a really, that's a, get out there. Yeah. That's really small. Yeah. Instead of like being so, isolated. Yeah, or like, oh, this has to be this formal day.

It's like, instead, I'm just gonna put myself in places with people that have things in common with me. And then hopefully I meet someone. And then start talking to them, exactly. And start talking to people. I think we also practice it again too. I think a lot of us just as not as easy socializing anymore, or maybe we never did if we grew up with like our phone,

or you know, everything's done online now. So I think it is a practice. Like we need connection and we need intimacy, require that. Another hack is like, another thing is to say yes to things. Say yes to those events that you wouldn't know like your neighbor down the street having a barbecue. You don't love the neighbor, but they might have some friends that you like or someone invites you to, you know, whatever those invites you get or you see something on Instagram, you're like, oh, you know, or TikTok, you're like, you know, they'll show you in your area. Like, look up things happening in your area and go

to it. Go to one thing a month or one thing a week that you wouldn't normally do because people are out there. There are more single people than ever and start practicing. I would have to say, I mean, I would think that those are the two biggest things, pornography and isolation. Pornography because you have just this over, like this dopamine hits and you're becoming desensitized, you have these unrealistic expectations. Maybe that is motivated to go meet anybody and talk to anybody because you're just,

you know, at home by yourself, then the isolation, like I'm not around other people. And it's easy to stay isolated. I could order food, I could stream movies. I don't have to leave. You used to have to leave when I was younger. You gotta leave your house because you can't get food otherwise or you can't drink.

Exactly. So you're forced to be out and meet with people. So I think those are probably the two biggest things because they're showing now that younger people having less sex than ever. Exactly. I think it is loneliness and I think it's the abs, everything is delivered.

We're literally not interacting with people anymore. We are not. And I think those are the two things and we need it, we require it. It feels better to go out and meet people and I think that we've forgotten to do that, but there are still people out in the world. They still wanna meet you, they do.

So I think then, yeah, taking yourself off the apps, taking classes, I think that's the truth. I think trying to avoid the awkward, kind of scary parts of meeting people, we're trying to avoid that, but I feel like that's kind of like scary parts of meeting people. Like we're trying to avoid that, but I feel like that's kind of like a necessary part of life. And it's also like, I don't know, confident building and the turn on when you go on and you get over that.

I think that we forget how good it feels for connection. I think there was something else too, it's something I was just reading about. Same thing about how we, I think it was our week ties, might have been something, but you know, the week ties, like the people that you see every day at the coffee shop and people you see the dog park Those those are like they show that the people the more weak ties someone has a silly name for because it doesn't sound important But they say that it's an indicator of more of more happiness

Contentment just like having people in your circle getting out of your house like waving hide your neighbors or knowing somebody like at your class Or at your gym those people are actually contributing to our happiness and our overall well-being and the weak ties really suffered, you know, the last few years. Well, isn't it, Sal, isn't it true? You can't. We, when we are online and communicating, you can get the adrenaline, the endorphin, things like that, but we miss...

You miss the oceans, unless you're in person. Exactly. Which is the feel-good hormone, right? That you should go to the-harmon, the body, the bonding hormone. Right, so I mean, you would think is a very important key to having healthy relationship, good sex.

When you touch and connection, and the best pick up, if you guys are nervous about this, like the best pick up line ever, and wait a second, you can't say hi. Just like, how's your day? How's it going? I mean, that literally is the best, right? When you look at such as, how's your day?

Yeah. Wait, oh good. How are you? I mean, great, how's it, right? When you look, so it's as hard to you or how's your day? Yeah. Yeah. Wait, oh good. How are you? I mean, great. How's it going? Have you been here before? What's that like? You know, the other thing too, Emily,

I remember when I first fell in love with my wife, like I just loved the smell of her skin and just being around her. And there's lots of things that we haven't yet quantified. I mean, we can talk about pheromones. I mean, there's studies that show that women can smell a shirt, that a man wore and identify whether or not they'd find them attractive with like 80% accuracy in some of these studies show. If you do everything digitally, you are eliminating that

part that's this kind of subconscious, like, you know, our DNAs matching, desire type thing, and you're just like basing off their picture. How much they earn, what they do for living, what they like, and it's like ordering out from menus. Use and body language. Yeah, that means we're setting up our communication body language. Yeah, so it seems like the same thing with fitness too that we'll see people avoiding these big compound lifts.

And this is something that we're always trying to sell is one of the most effective ways for you to achieve a lot of your goals. But it's hard work and it's uncomfortable and it's like there's a learning curve to it. You're going to suck at it. And it's the same thing if I'm trying to meet somebody in person, you're going to stumble a bit. You're going to trip a little. It's going to be awkward. But the more you face that and you go through that journey, that process, you get better at it.

And it richens that experience. Exactly, it's so true. I think I definitely had let me, I think we all did, had less of it last few years, or we've kind of become more isolated, but the more you do it, it's like everything's a muscle. Dating is a muscle, talking to you,

it's a muscle you have to keep, it's an exercise, I have it, you gotta keep going. I've gotta keep working it, and if you don't do it, it is gonna be a little uncomfortable and awkward at first. Or if you're just getting out of a relationship and you're newly single, that's also a habit. It's our day again, but you gotta do it. And everything gets easier over time. Everything's gonna be a little less awkward.

I have a bit of a controversial question to ask you. Yes. Do you think that this boss bitch movement that's happened in the last say two decades has helped or hurt women as a whole as far as their sex life. Do you think it's helped them get better more sex or do you think it has hindered their sex life? Oh my God, that's a great question.

How would you define like a boss bitch? Somebody who's like, I don't need a man. I don't need a man. The woman in powering movement to climb the corporate ladder make as much or more money as the man. Like be independent, you don't need a man, like that movement is really climbed in the last 20 years.

And I'm not saying that it's necessarily bad or good, I'm just curious to, if you, since you've been doing this so wrong, had noticed that you've get a lot of women now in their 30s, 35, 40 years old, super successful, maybe even great looking, got all these things working for them, but not having sex or not finding a partner. That's such a guy.

I hadn't tried it to that movement, but I think that it definitely, so the, yeah, I mean, I do. I think that women trying to be more like men has been detrimental for our sexuality and polarity. So this is a concept, I don't know if you guys, I've ever covered like polarity on the show, and it's a little bit, people get kind of tripped up with the term masculine and feminine, but we all have masculine and feminine inside of us,

right? So we all have a combination of that. But in order for attraction to happen, you need to have someone's leading and someone's following. So traditionally, the masculine is the leader and the feminine is the energy, right? And so, so right now, for example, I'm in my masculine right now. I would say I'm talking, I'm doing a business and a lot of my day, I'm in my, I'm going to give you like every life example to explain this. I'm a masculine, but like I'm part of a business. Like, people work for me, I'm doing shit, right? Like the getting shit done, that is the best good energy.

But in order for like sex polarity happen, you need attraction and you need the opposite. Just like think of like the plus and minus of a magnet, so if you've two pluss, it's not gonna attract, but you need that, so that's what sexual chemistry is. So in order for it to happen, for example, if I have a day at home, I'm just going to give where I am working all day, and I mean, but I want to feel aroused and turned

on, I know that I can't. This is my self-knowledge pillar. I can't go from work to like, big turned out of my boyfriend because he is, when our sex happens, he is more of the masculine. I'm in the feminine. I'm not just sort of dominating in the bedroom. Sometimes I can, but I'm more of the sub, I think, again, you need that in all of sex, you need a dominant sub to for leading a violent. So what I need to do is to get what I'm in my,

and also we work together, like he's helped me with some business stuff, like I did a lot of time, and I know that what I need to do is I need to shut my laptop, I need to take a that what I need to do is I need to shut my laptop. I need to take a shower. I need to do some breath work. Sometimes I masturbate to get into my body into my feminine. I need to move my body. I need to dress in something that makes me feel good. Put on like perfume, makeup, get into a place where I'm feeling more in touch with my feminine because that is what I want to bring to the table. And then when I'm more of my feminine, he reacts to being more in his masculine, right?

Because he's also has a lot of feminine energy too, like he's very nurturing and empathic and all these things. But they work together synergistically. So they, and I do kind of explain this more in the book because, but, but what is happening with this boss bitch movement is that like, I don't need a man, I don't need to be a wherner, we're getting shit done,

and then there's no room, there's no room for a guy. If you're again, heterosexual relationship, but again, in gay couples and lesbian couples, there's also masculine and feminine energy because someone has to always lead and follow. So if you're showing up with like, I got everything done, I don't need a man,

then we all want to feel of use and utility. So then there's no wear for that person. There's no vulnerability. I think what we see with boss bitch in this movement is like, there's no vulnerability. There's no softness. There's no opening for the masculine to come in. So that's kind of how I see it, does that?

Yeah, I see. And I think it tends to be generally the male, you know, with the masculine, the female, with more of the feminine, but it could be either or, right? You could male, you know, with the mask and the female, with more of the feminine, but it could be either or. Right. You could have, you know, it'd be different.

But like I find that with my wife, like I find her, I mean, some of the biggest turn-ons for me with her is when I see her, like I came home the other day from work and she had both the kids and she was cooking and she was like nurturing and she was with my son and he was loving on her and holding the baby and I was like, oh my God, when they go to bed,

like it's, it's because that for me was such a tremendous and nurturing, she's caretaking, she's empathic. Yeah, and that for me was, that's like a big deal and then like there was one time when I did this big sales presentation with a bunch of people on them standing, you know, doing my presentation or whatever, she was in the back and afterwards,

she was like, I'm so turned on. Why were you doing it? Because it was for her, it was that energy, that masculine energy. So that's it. The reason why I asked is I see actually lots of examples in my own family and my circles and friends with the women in there that are actually

very strong, independent, kind of have that boss bitch energy. And what I find they they're challenged in the relationship and sex department and what I see is that they have this really high masculine energy but yet they're also physically attracted to a a that masculine energy and I feel like if you're if you're a female and you have that much masculine energy it you're you're probably most likely going to need a partner who has a lot of feminine energy to probably match really well, but they don't want that. They don't want the beta dude or the guy that's not a go-kitter.

So it's like they have all this masculine energy, but then they also want someone at their level or higher, and I think it just shrinks their dating. Yeah, I could totally see that. And what I would say to these women is that I see them as being really disconnected and not embody at all and not in touch with their sexual energy and not in touch with who they are and what they want. And you know, when we start to, you know, sex beget sex. So the more we get to like cultivate our sexual energy, like I think that it's really hard

to be in your in your masculine all day long. And I would ask like how often are these women like moving their body? Are they dancing? Are they masturbating? Are they in touch with their, their, their, wherever makes them feel feminine? And I think that that's what is attractive to the more like alpha types that you're talking about. But there, there's no, they're not showing any that they're going to dinner and they're interviewing the guy like on their date. They're like putting out there like what do you do for me? What are you doing? But someone pray and they get this all generalizations,

they're typing, but if you're in that mask and you're not gonna see where you, it doesn't mean in softness and vulnerability is that weakness. So I think for these women, they do, like this is a, like I've been there too. I've been places where I'm so in my thing and I'm not, and I am not softened that either.

So I've had to learn this as well of like allowing someone to care, to care for me and to show my vulnerability. And so that's a practice because I think that being tough and being out there, it's like, it's not okay. And I think that to find what you want, you've to learn to be more in touch with your. Yeah, I find that you would be a great, you're a great example of this because I think of you a bit as a kind of a boss bitch chick, you have all these things going for you like that very independent, probably necessarily don't need a man financially and things like

that. Now, right. So, how has that been in your life? Do you typically are the men that you date or been with? Are they typically very feminine because of that? Or have you been able to navigate that where you know you want this masculine guy so you know how to make that switch of like, okay, at work, I can be boss bitch, but then also when I transfer over into my relationship, I need to learn to switch of like, okay, at work, I can be boss bitch, but then also when I transfer over into my relationship,

I need to learn to switch over like, what is... I think I've done, I've had both. I think I've definitely had both kinds of guys that I've dated. I think that I need guys who are very like empathic and vulnerable and maybe they're just in touch with their feminine more so, but I think I've been attracted to all different types, but I also am really vulnerable. Like I always have a lot going on,

and I've always need a lot of, I don't know, like certain things are harder for me, like business stuff, so I've also dated guys who are really good at like helping with my business. And so I, you know, always like my current guy. But I think I've just been more attracted to the person. I guess, I don't know, I want somebody, I don't need somebody to take care of me

in the traditional way, but I want somebody who can, I don't know, what am I looking for? I'm looking for. I don't know. Have you seen that? I mean, can you give an example, or can you think of a time where that has, like, because of your energy, your masculine energy

that it's conflicted with the partner, where it's like, you know, because you are that way, and then maybe you get a guy that is a little more alpha or masculine. And that is an area where you guys conflict because you have too much masculine. Yes, absolutely. And then it doesn't really work. But I think it's like nuance because it's like, how do we get together? Like, there's some of my partner like, I want him to, I don't know.

I mean, it's a really, I'm trying to think of it. It's just a ballet. It's all a dance because it's not just about the sex. It's a really, I'm trying to think of it just a ballot. It's all a dance because it's not just about the sex. It's about like how do we communicate? How do we handle different areas of our life? How do we, you know, I think I want somebody who's got his own stuff going on and he's got his own life. I don't want to be the one who's taking care of everything.

So I think for me, the man who's understands his purpose, like the maskiness, someone who's got a purpose. And they are very purpose driven. And they are very like independent, and they have their goal setting, and they are sort of a, they're structured. And so I'm very attracted to that, even though I have that.

So I feel like that is, but that I need to be someone's too much like that. I also need somebody who has like the empathy and the softness too. So I don't know. I guess I've had a bad time. Well, a man that's not in touch with his feminine is probably not going to be able to understand yours. Exactly. So that's probably why it's so important.

Yeah, I think it is. Yeah, exactly. I mean, I need some, I think nowadays too. There's just, I don't know, there's just more room and more space. I think fermenter really start to feel more and to also own their masculine. But for me personally, I've dated so much. Like if you find up all my boyfriend's, they would all be very, very different. Really?

Yes. I think it's now I'm thinking about them. But I think my boyfriend now is a little bit more like he's got two daughters, like he's a little bit more maybe, I don't know, maybe he's more in his feminine sometimes. And then when we're both talking business, like it's so not hot, so then I have to get some more of my feminine when he goes there.

Like I see this too. I'm like, oh God, I've been like such a nightmarily. I have to really kind of like bring it. And then I try to do my things like I'm gonna make dinner or I'm gonna like, we're gonna go in nature. We're gonna hike, we're gonna, because that is the feminine. Well, that's what I'm searching for for you.

Because I think you are such a good example. And I don't necessarily think that like, because you've dated all the spectrum that's good or bad or really explains it, it's more like, imagine, if you've got those traits and you want a man who has also got some of those masculine traits, there's certain practices that you probably have to put in place in order to get that

or receive that kind of love from the type of man that you want, because when I think of these friends and family members that come to mind that or receive that kind of love from the type of man that you want. Because when I think of these friends and family members that come to mind that are like this, they really struggle, mean, they get one extreme or the other, they tend to get like, okay, well, I have all this masculine energy, so I need to find this super feminine guy,

then they get this guy that's super beta, he has no purpose, he's not driven, he's like, I'll be a stay at home dad, I got no problem with the inside, she's like, oh God, I don't want that, I want a guy that's not driven. He's like, you, I'll be a stay-at-home dad. I got no problem with the inside. She's like, oh god I don't want that, you know, I want a guy that's at my level and pushing me, but it's like, okay Well, then you get that guy and that guy's very purpose driven. He's a leader. He wants to run the house He wants to run the show. It's like and you're definitely not that chick. So like how does that?

They need to I would tell these women that they are so in their master They need to do some work cultivating their feminine. They need to Turn off their, you know turn off their phones take they just do some work cultivating their feminine, they need to turn off their phones, take some more time off work, go do like a yoga retreats, bedtime in the ocean in nature, cooking, getting back to themselves masturbating, I'm telling you, like self love, taking baths, these are all the ways of getting really going on a women's retreat. But honestly, doing those things and sustaining it, not just to go weak in Mexico and then they come back

and they go back. It is a, this is something I say was daily, it's breath work, it's meditation, it's connection, it's journaling, it's all the things that are kind of in the zeitgeist right now, manifesting, but that is all the feminine. And so if they're, if they think about the women, do they do any of those things, the women I'm talking about?

You know, some of them do it and I think, I think what some of them also, because you touched on it earlier, that I think is connected to this, is the unraveling how we were imprinted, like from our parents. Yes. So the women that I'm thinking of,

they had very strong, independent women moms, that basically told them that when they were like, you don't need a man, you go, you make your own money, you do this, and empower them, and they ended up being these great successful smart women now, but they have that imprinted that they need to be this type of a woman so much where they probably need to...

They can't be vulnerable. Stop it, they need to unpack that in levels and unravel that more and go like, it's, you know, because I know they do a lot of the yoga and touch their body and some of the things they're saying. So I see that side, I think they're sexual. They grow up in this sexual family that I already told you about. So I think they have that aspect going for them positively, but I think that they've been told

that they need to be this strong woman and not need a man per se. That's definitely the last 20, 30. I had that as well. I had that same up my mom was like, never rely on a man to take care of you. I was like, okay. Like I guess I got to do it on my own, right?

And I did and like, yeah, I think some of that has probably been detrimental because I didn't really understand the need for, I had so many fears around partnership and I can do it all on my own. And then I realized, no, I do want a partner. And then I had to do a lot of work on what I actually want. And thinking about all the, like not just like,

you know, you could write down things that I want them to have, look a certain way, like it's about the manifesting, or being just very fucking clear and specific, like how do I want to feel with this partner? Like I would have them do some exercises about, what do they actually want in a partner? Like what do you want to feel with them? What do you picture it?

Like picture, you know, as it already is, like what do you guys do when you're on a Saturday together? What are they wearing? What role are they taking in the house? How do you want to feel with them? You know, you want to do you want to feel love, do you want to feel cherished, you want to feel safe. And then you got to like really do the scenarios of like walk

and then unlearning all the other things. Like maybe they were dating toxic guys that didn't make them feel good. So to supplant that, you have to think about what you actually do want. And I've a show up podcast I did on manifesting your partner, which I don't often talk about manifesting. And feel like, oh, God, that guy, you might lose people with that. But the

truth is, it's science, it's energy. It's like where you put your attention. That's what's going to happen to you. So getting really clear, because when you get clear on anything, then you see it. You see it. And then you're like, oh, that is not attractive to me. That person is nowhere by listening. I had a note in my phone of all the things that were really important to me in a partner. And I was able to find that pretty much. That's very fucking clear. It's like when you buy a new pair of shoes

and then you start noticing everybody has a very good sense of chill. Oh, those are the whole time. No, you know what's so terrible about that message that you don't need, you know, because replace it with, you know, don't say a man. You don't need a partner. Everybody needs people.

We do. That's such a crazy message to sell to anybody. And it's like, men tend to be told like, if you settle down with a partner or you find a partner, it's not fun, it's not going to be exciting, you should just go make money and just go hook up with people, don't have any deep connections, just also do the terrible message. I think we're being sold terrible message. We are being sold terrible message, there's no depth to that. There's no substance.

Like studies and studies, at time again, they will tell you that what we really need to be happy at the end of life, people say it's our connections. Yes. People. That's why this loneliness, epidemic truly isn't epidemic. We want connections. We want intimacy. We want trust. We want all of those things. You think the reduction, the fact that people having less sex is connected to the loneliness? I do. It's just a side effect of that. Yeah. Loneliness, isolation, you know, technology, and maybe there's been a reaction to like the hug up culture now. It's like, don't hug up. And so yeah, I think you really do think there's a bit of

pendulum swing back. I do. I do. Like, I think when I first started, like, and here's like, maybe almost 20 years ago, there was like six or seven books that came out about like the hookup culture, it was about hookup. But what the hookup culture was, people just getting really wasted in college and then having sex and feeling like they're like liberated.

But that's not embodied sex, that's not present sex, that's not connected, that's not that's your life. Totally disconnected. So then maybe that on top of like, you know, young people like even during the pandemic and social media, the apps and all those things and maybe parents being more like, I don't know. I kind of talked to their kids where about safety

and I don't know, like the results that we're just seeing like less sex happening. I heard someone on a podcast talk about how, one of the risks of having multiple partners, especially for women, is that their ability to pair bond can become challenged or lowered with each successive partner because of the way women's bodies and brains react to sex with the oxytocin and so on. And so if they start, if they are with tons of partners

or they treat it like this trivial thing that they start to prevent their ability or reduce their ability to pair bond later on, is there any truth to that? I haven't heard that, I haven't heard that study, but I could see, huh. I don't know about that study. Okay, okay.

Now, because they have more variety, maybe more things to I think it had more biological. I think it had more biological. I think it had more biological. I think it had more biological. I think it had more things to I think it had more to do with just viewing the the act is this like just physical trivial thing And so they prevent themselves or block out their ability to you know, it's this whole hookup culture like side-of-fact Where it's like oh, it's just sex just keep doing it and it's no big deal and then they they're separating it from this Deeper definition. I do see that. I definitely see it being like young people saying, oh, I'm very liberated. Like I had a young, like a friend's kid who's like in college, like 20 years old and she was like,

oh, I feel so like liberated right now because I'm having sex with, she's like, I'm having, like I have a friends with benefits. It felt super liberating. I was like, what is that benefit? She's like, oh, well, you know, we went, we ordered pizza together, we had sex, I gave him two blow jobs, we had pizza,

we fell asleep, we went out the next day as friends, I'm like, okay, but what is your benefit? What did you get from that situation? Like, did he go down on you? Did you have any pleasure? And she's like, no, no, but she just felt like I could have sex like a man, if you would, like I have sex and then be friends with them

and like that was missing the whole point of like, connection and intimacy. So I think that maybe you could feel like, I'm just like, I have sex and then be friends with them. And that was missing the whole point of connection and into me. So I think that maybe you could feel like, I'm just like, I feel like that whole mentality about hook up, I did it and I didn't care. I didn't touch feelings. That's it's that whole, I'm gonna have sex and I'm not gonna catch feelings. So that makes me somehow, I don't know,

it makes it superior and disconnected. But once you learn what great sex is about to go back to your early question, I think it is about vulnerability, connection, safety, communication, experimenting, openness, and then in that container, in that safe container, you can explore and play and have fun for days. There's just like a workout, there's so many different ways you can get the abs, right? There's a lot of different ways to do the exercise, you can get the result. If the result as you want is connected, satisfying, joyful sex, there's a lot of different ways you can get the abs, right? There's like a million different ways to do the exercise, you can get the result. Like if the result as you want is connected, satisfying, joyful sex,

there's a lot of different ways to get there. There's a few elements that you need, but as long as you agree, like that's where we're going, we want to have that. There's like all these places to play inside of it. Emily, you're always fun to talk to you. We can do this for another hour. I love this. This is so, you guys are fantastic. Yes, it's great. Everybody, I mean, you got a great podcast. Definitely get her book. She's amazing. She's our go-to person for the stuff. Thank you. Thanks for coming on the show. Thanks for having me, guys.

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