Mind Pump: Raw Fitness Truth - 2215: Simple Hacks to Improve Any Marriage With Adam Lane Smith

Episode Date: November 27, 2023

Installment #4: How to make marriage work in this complicated world. (1:30) Topics covered in this segment. (2:01) Staggering statistics on divorce. (5:02) Is there a reason to get married? (8:25) How people view marriage today. (11:36) Why do people cheat? (16:47) How attachment issues poison marriages over time. (21:36) The kid complication factor. (25:12) Any marriage can be fixed, as long as both partners are willing to do the work to fix it. (30:12) Treating marriage like a business. (35:57) The State of the Union meeting to check in on your marriage. (42:15) The four-step method to share with your wife to boost her emotional sex drive. (47:04) How women can get men to vasopressin bond with them. (58:38) Creating the oxytocin/vasopressin bond for a healthy marriage and sex life. (1:02:17) Previewing installment #5: Parenting with good attachment. (1:10:00) Related Links/Products Mentioned BLACK FRIDAY SPECIAL: ALL MAPS Fitness Products & Bundles 60% off!  **Promo code BLACKFRIDAY at checkout** (Code expires Sunday Nov. 26th) Visit The Attachment Bootcamp for an exclusive offer for Mind Pump listeners! **Promo code MIND at checkout for 50% off** Visit PRx Performance for an exclusive offer for Mind Pump listeners! Exhausted Wives, Bewildered Husbands: Why your marriage is hurting, and how to blossom as a couple – Book by Adam Lane Smith Mind Pump #2185: Reclaiming Self-Love & Respect With Adam Lane Smith Mind Pump #2195: How To Make & Nurture Amazing Friendships With Adam Lane Smith Mind Pump #2205: Why Dating Sucks & How To Fix It With Adam Lane Smith Marriage & Divorce - Research and data from Pew Research Center Infidelity Rates by Country 2023 - World Population Review Breastfeeding and Mental Health: What's The Link? Adam Lane Smith - YouTube Steve Harvey's Wife CHEATS ON HIM , And Now Wants $200 MILL !? The Science of Love and Attachment | Psychology Today Mind Pump Podcast – YouTube Mind Pump Free Resources Featured Host Adam | Relationship Psychology (@attachmentadam) Instagram Website

If you want to pump your body and expand your mind, there's only one place to go. Mind, hop, mind, hop with your hosts. Salda Stefano, Adam Schaefer, and Justin Andrews. Alright everybody, today we're dropping another episode in our series with Adam Lane Smith. He's the attachment expert. Today's episode talks about marriage. This is going to be a really, really good one. So we know you're going to love it. Check it out. Oh, real quick. By the way, this is the

final hours for the Black Friday sale that we run here. So we just once a year. Okay. Every maps program, every maps program bundle is 60% off. These are the final hours. If you want to do this take advantage of it, go to mapsfitinistproducts.com and then use the code Black Friday. Also, Adam Lane Smith has some programs that help people out. So if you like his content, go check it out. And you can get 50% off with the following code. So go to mpadamsmith.com and then use the code mind

that'll give you 50% off. This episode is also brought to you by our sponsor PRX Performance. They make home gym equipment that's as good or better than the stuff you get in commercial facilities, but they're really good at creating equipment that takes up very little space. They have a squat rack that folds into the wall. It's great stuff. Go check them out. Go to PRXPerformance.com forward slash Mind pump and check out all of their huge sales and discounts.

All right, here comes Adam Lane Smith. In today's episode, we're going to talk about how to make marriage work even in this complicated modern world. I know it's a horrible, painful topic. Marriage seems like it's almost hopeless nowadays for a lot of people. We are going to make it work. I'm going to show you the exact step-by-step method to make marriage make sense and not just make sense, not just avoid divorce. I don't want to show you just how to not have the suck. I want to show you how to build a fulfilling intimate bond that's going to last for all of your life. It's going to be real easy. We're going to make it step-by-step. You can follow these steps. You can make it happen. To do that, we're going to hit eight key points,

specifically why marriage sucks so bad in the modern world. What people's modern attitudes are about marriage, especially as they get more fearful over time, because marriage, it's terrifying, especially when you hear the wrong statistics or the statistics that they don't actually line up with, with real actual problems. The 50-50 stat, for example, not true. We'll talk about that here in a minute. I'm also going to show you how attachment issues poison marriages. I worked for years as a licensed marriage of family therapists and I saw one issue over and over and over break up marriages so often that I

had to write a book about it. And the book is now exploding all over Amazon and making people cry but helping them fix their marriage because when you get that one piece right, everything else seems to flow better. I'm also going to show you why marriages seem to get worse after kids. A lot of couples that they're not the best match, but they work. They won't work after kids. A lot of times, kids will be the deciding factor that breaks you up and not because of the kids and not because of just resentment of chores. It's usually a very specific hormonal change that takes place in one partner, but not in the other.

And that drives a lot of growth on one side, with stagnation on the other side, which then leads to the major marriage just absolutely shattering. We're gonna show you how to fix that today. I'm also gonna show you why the co-founder attitude that we talked about a little bit more in the dating process is gonna be really crucial here.

Marriage is not meant to be a process of having feelings for each other and always being happy until the day you die or you get divorced, till death do we part, well no now it's till convenience do we part. We're going to talk about how to make it work, even when the feelings are bad, even when the feelings suck, even when you're having a difficult time, the co-founder attitude that I'm going to show you, that mindset shift, that will make a big difference. I'm also going to show you if you're in a troubled marriage right now, how to start fixing it. Because there's a couple key places where marriages get

broken. You would think there's 10,000 different ones. There's not. There's only a couple key places your relationship can really break down. And just like a car, we diagnose it, and then we start fixing those parts. We'll do that here. Finally, the last two parts are going to be a lot of fun. Don't miss these. How to build better sex into your marriage. If you want more sex, you want greater sex, you want lots of fun, lots of screaming and squealing, I'm going to show you how to build that in. And it will be good for both of you. You're going to enjoy it.

It'll be wonderful. Yeah, yeah, I'm already smiling, thinking about it. You should be smiling too. By the end of this episode, you're going to have an incredible sex life with your partner, especially if you're watching this together. I greatly encourage that. I'm also going to show you how to continue dating each other so that you have a great hormonal impact together and your lives blend together in a seamless fashion. The hormones and the bonding through that, we're going to make it super easy. Don't worry about technical jargon,

you don't have to have a master's degree in psychology like I do to get through this. I will make it very simple and very, very fun. The bonding will be experienced. You will never be able to forget. So you're going to understand how to trust your partner, how to cooperate as a team, and how to build a fulfilling connection that's going to last a lifetime and be great for both of you. So let's dive right in. Now you have probably like most people heard, that in America, divorce is about 50-50, right? It's a simple coin toss. All right, we get married, simple coin toss to tell

if we are going to get divorced someday. Well, that is actually not true. It's a horrible lie. 50% of all marriages end in divorce. Now, there's some complicating factors here. Number one, all marriages. So I don't know about you, but I do have a family member who had seven marriages and yes, got a divorce from their seventh marriage. That happens. All seven marriages are counted into that 50-50 stat. So if there's

multiple marriages having divorces, just, yep, breaks that stat right through the roof. It is ridiculous. And the more divorces you have, the more likely you are to get divorced in the future. So those serial divorcers are really jacking that right up through the roof. There's also a lot of complicating factors inside of it. For example, relationships where the husband does more chores, way more likely to lead to divorce strangely. Now, people might say, well, that's because he's mad

because he has to do chores. Women will often say, well, that's because he's a big baby who won't do chores. Well, that actually seems to indicate that maybe those who have more progressive values are less concerned about the stigma of divorce and are more likely to move on from a relationship faster than somebody who has conservative values.

So there's a conservative and liberal blend there as well, which is interesting without taking sides. That can also complicate the whole situation. Religious views, especially shared religious views, can really change this. Your family system, your network, your dynamics, as you grow together, your mindset growth, all of these factors really go in. So it's not just a simple coin toss. You have to look at all of your factors going in, and that will give you your true rate

of actual marriage risk for both of you. It's not an absolute, you will have zero, but we can reduce this over time to almost zero. We can vanish it toward zero. And that's what I'm gonna show you here today is how to reduce your risk of divorce all the way down to 0.000101. And we can get you there, you guys will be all right.

So do this, we're gonna have to acknowledge the horrible pieces Yes, divorce happens. Yes, you can only control your side of the equation You can be the best human being on the planet and still get forced because your partner will not some partners will not follow you There is a nightmare world happening right now in the family court system where wives are automatically granted custody for all Intensive purposes of kids. It's not that way on paper, but it's certainly that way when we place out in the court. Alamoni, child support, everything,

men are getting destroyed, destroyed. Or in other cases, women are having to fight to, to nail even feed their children after their husband runs off an abandoned system. There's all kinds of problems, divorced disasters. I've heard one specific thing being talked about online, the Red Pill communities use the word divorce rape. They say, I was divorce raped, which is a little crazy, but okay, divorce rape is happening

quite often here in America, and it is pretty ugly. I'm not going to lie. Some divorces are the worst things that I've ever seen between two human beings. And I used to do therapy for death penalty in mates. So when I say that people treating their spouses badly during a divorce is worse than that, I fully mean it. There are some huge atrocities happening in those cases. So we will show you how to avoid that.

It's not a 50-50 shot. You don't have to just hope blindly. We're going to help you reduce those risks. Broken families. So, this whole series has been on attachment. Where do you think broken attachment comes from? It is not from healthy, loving, secure families. I'll just tell you that.

The more you break up your family, or even just the more unhappy your marriage is, the more shattered your children are likely to be. The less they are likely to believe in love, the less they're likely to believe that marriage will last, because they have never seen it. So I can talk all day long about how great marriage is, about how wonderful it is to be bonded to somebody for life. And if they have never seen it, then their brain is telling them that I'm an idiot or a liar or a grifter, just trying, and I'm completely naive, I'm an ancient boomer, 90 years old at 38. And I have no idea how life actually works because

they've never seen a functioning marriage. They just never have. We'll talk about that here today and how to fix that as well. If you walk through the attachment process, you'll start usually, we'll start understanding that there could be love with special people. It's not about everybody. A lot of people aren't even getting married anymore because they've lost hope. Maybe there's, they think there's no reason to get married.

My stance personally is that people don't have to get married. They don't even need to get married unless, especially, you want to build together and co-build a legacy that you want to protect in a better fashion. Probably with a prenup, I'm really big on prenups. Most people are shocked by that. And you want to have kids. So the biggest, biggest factor for the health of children in the long-term mental health is married parents. Married parents

is one of the biggest hacks to start your children off well in life is to have married parents. Now, this is not a case of the marriage itself makes them healthier. It's the fact that if the parents stay together, it's likely that the parents had better skills and are working together in a better way and Our functioning better as a family. So it is more correlation than causation, but it's still there. We better look at it. Also, marriage just frankly looks like a joke today. Think of the Simpsons, right? Homer Simpson. Think of how every single sitcom father started to look exactly like Homer Simpson everywhere. how every single sitcom father started to look exactly like Homer Simpson everywhere. Think of how every single married couple on any show is now making jokes about how they never have sex anymore.

They become the brunt of a tremendous number of jokes all across the show about how hard and stupid marriages, while all the single people are having a great time. It's wonderful. Marriage is treated like an absolute joke. And if they people say there's no purpose to it, why would we even maintain this? This is an archaic thing of the past. Let's just dissolve marriage completely. Well, if you're going to do it wrong, yeah, it's a horrible system. If you do it right and you pick the right co-founder, then it's still good.

Finally, even women today are questioning the value of marriage, which is shocking because marriage is more designed for stability for women and children. It's good for men. Don't get me wrong. We have great health benefits. It is wonderful to have a loyal and loving wife, but marriage and that structure and safety was designed throughout history a lot more for women for children, to be honest with you. And it continues to be so.

So if women themselves are questioning the value of marriage, we probably have broken marriage in half and we actually fix it so it's better for everybody involved. Let's talk about that today as well. Now, yes, we've got a lot to get through. Let's get right into it right now. How do people view marriage today? Well, they think it's pointless, dangerous, temporary. It has nothing but disappointing sex,

which the research actually shows is different. So married people are more likely to have sex than any single people, even people on dating apps, even people who are hot on dating apps in New York City, have at the time of their life married people are more likely to have sex more frequently and report more in satisfaction during that sex. They also say, I can't have sex with just one person

for the rest of my life. I'm gonna talk about that here in a minute. That is a specific neurotransmitter problem and a specific hormone problem that a lot of people don't experience the switch over. Yes, if you are continuing the way you are, the idea of having sex for the rest of your life with only one person feels horrible.

If you make the transition, especially through secure attachment, we talked about the big five bonding chemicals. If you make that switch, actually having sex with one person for the rest of your life becomes wonderful, but it's a very specific change that has to take place that is very dependent on both partners and your secure attachment. So we'll talk about getting you there. By and large though, let's boil this down. Marriage feels like a trap without hope. Most people believe that marriage is simply a trap with no hope. They're going to be wretchedly miserable forever And I disagree. I think it can be that and it has been for many people, but it doesn't have to be

So if you approach it carefully and if you're both willing to do the work, we can make sure it doesn't become that for you. Now Are they wrong? Are all of these beliefs really wrong? willing to do the work, we can make sure it doesn't become that for you. Now, are they wrong? Are all of these beliefs really wrong? I think they are, and here's why. I was a licensed marriage and family therapist for many, many years before I retired so I could do this coaching. And in our LMFT training programs, in graduate school and my practicum, the many years of apprenticeship after that, they told us one horrible fact. Get used to divorces. Get used to couples failing.

The vast majority of couples who come to you for help will split up. The vast majority of people you work with will lose their marriage. There is nothing you can do. You will burn out. This was the training they gave us. It was a licensed marriage of family therapists. There was almost no hope, even in couples therapy.

And they told us that couples therapy is a Hail Mary attempt, and almost every single time one of the partners has already given up and does not want to actually fix it, so you are just there to help them formalize breaking up their marriage. Now, I don't agree that that is always the case. And here's what I'm with attachment issues. We talked before about how with attachment issues, you feel like you have to always be interesting and stimulating.

You have to make the other person have the time of their life all the time, right? Men fall into a pattern of getting stressed out, and then they start becoming insecure with their wife because they say, I am not providing enough fun, I'm not entertained enough, all I'm doing is focusing on my work, all I'm doing is providing for my family, I am down most of the time, I'm stressed out, she must be having an awful time, she could leave me any moment. I have my male clients tell me this all the time. So I bring their wife in and I talk to them and say, this is what he's feeling. Can you please tell us

if that's true? And the wives are shocked that he thinks that. And the wives will say, I respect you. I love when they say this, I respect you. You are working so hard for our family. You are doing everything I need. No, I don't want you to stay like this forever because that, but that's also because that will grind you down into the dust. I do not need you entertaining me right now. We need to get through this as a family. Tell me how I can help you. The best wives, that's how they respond to that. And the husbands, you just see, you see that stress come off their shoulders of, do my work and care for my family and also dance like a monkey for her entertainment. When that's off his shoulders,

that's the power of secure attachment. We'll talk in a minute about how to build that inside your marriage. But all of these attachment issues, they get so much worse inside marriage for this reason because this is the person you're supposed to be able to put your back against and fight the world together. This is the one human being you should not have to be suspicious of or be afraid of because they have your back. The point of getting married is that you are now tied together so your wealth, your value, everything you create is now locked together. So if one of you hurts that, they are an idiot because they're hurting themselves. Hearding your partner in marriage is just hurting you. You shouldn't have to be afraid of them, but attachment issues continue in marriage and get worse

because now the stakes are so much higher. That's why we have to fix the attachment inside the marriage so that it's strong and healthy and you trust each other. Otherwise, you have so much resentment, so much fear, so much hate, so much cheating, right? The research shows something like two-thirds of all marriages experience at least one affair during the course of the marriage. 66% as the research, the best

best approximate guess we can pull up. And who is it? Is it men? Is it women? It's about split down the middle. 66% will experience at least one affair, physical or emotional during the course of that marriage. So, let's talk more about cheating. Like I said, that research puts it about two thirds. Those numbers are suspect. It could be less. It could be more. We don't really know.

It could be differentiated based on your population, where you're at, your values, your religious values, how you talk things through your family network, right? All of these things. But why do people cheat? The number one reason I have seen that people cheat is something called avoid an attachment stop. We briefly touched on this before, but the belief that being close to other people is dangerous, the belief that you can never relax and trust other people, and the belief that you are always

going to be alone. Now we talked about the big five brain chemicals, right? Oxytocin, vasopressin, GABA, gamma-immune bioric acid, that inhibitory neurotransmitter, and also serotonin. When your relationships are broken and your attachment is broken, those four tend to go away and you have dopamine. You have dopamine left. Now, dopamine will last you through the first six or seven months

of a relationship because it's still novelty. You have all the different actions you can do, but excuse the explicit language, but you can only lube up so many body parts before you have run out of body parts to lube up. And then you start cycling back around and the novelty has worn off. And it's now not a dopamine binge every time you have sex. The novelty has worn off. People avoid an attachment.

That's when they start looking on their phones. That's when they start trying a much treat sheet or micro-cheat with other people. That's when they start cycling out. And they also get overwhelmed by the other person's emotion leads because they tend to connect with anxiously attached people. So they start saying, I can't do this anymore.

I've given you all good feelings. You give me nothing. I'm not getting anything. I either need to have a threesome or I need to go have sex with somebody else. Well, if you had sex with somebody, if you got the chance, you would. So it's not a big deal if I do it. And they typically often will go and cheat. Not always. Not all avoidant people do this, but they, that's usually how cheating happens early. And that first year, two years, it's that constant dopamine cycling, because they don't switch over

into the other brain chemicals. We'll talk about how to switch over into the other brain chemicals in a minute But they cycle on dopamine dopamine dopamine usually the anxious woman and it's an avoidant man The anxious woman tries to step it up. I will do anything do you want to get another girl involved? What do you want to do? Well, you want to make porn? Do you want to do this? Do you want to do that anything? And she'll desperately try to continue the dopamine binging because she doesn't know how to do the other bonding She's just trying to dopamine cycle him to keep him. Now long term, what I have found, is the anxious person becomes more likely to cheat.

Because they have poured their heart and soul into the relationship, trying to earn approval, earn love, earn connection, and it never works. So even if the avoidant person doesn't cheat, the anxious person gets more and more resentful over the years and starts starving, and then they run across somebody who makes them feel good, and they flood them maybe with a little bit of oxytocin instead. And they start pulling really hard into that relationship with that person. This often will happen at 15, 20 years of marriage when their family, they've been falling apart,

and she's been miserable all those years, and now she connects with somebody, and then she gets a boyfriend, and it completely falls apart. This is usually what is happening there. It's that anxious resentment. So, this leads to an interesting thing called coerced infidelity.

A lot of anxious women will accept open relationships to try desperately to keep their husband or boyfriend. A lot of people will accept open relationships. Not because they love them. I mean, some people do. But a lot of people with anxious attachment will accept them because they don't believe that they deserve more. They don't believe they deserve a committed partner. They don't believe they are worthy of all that attention. They don't understand the brain chemicals. This is not to say open relationships are evil.

I'm not judging people who do that, but you have to be careful because you could have an avoidant person who's running away from intimate connection, who's just dopamine binging and has no idea how to build a connection. And an anxiously attached female partner who just says, okay, we'll do anything you want, anything you want. And then later on they break up and she says he was abusive, he forced me to do this, he forced me to do that. I broke every rule for him.

I was so emotionally and sexually abused. And he's like, what, you were enthusiastic and you were the one telling me we should do these things. You were the one posting on social media about how open relationships are the best thing in the world. And you'll see a lot of social media of women posting about how their husband is in an open relationship. And they're so okay with it. And everything is wonderful.

And every day is another post about how they are okay with it. Often they're not. This is more like that coerced infidelity of being okay with it. Think of it that way. I'm not calling it rape. I'm not saying that. It's coerced infidelity through anxious attachment,

through broken problems. That's the issue. So people will do just about anything to fix their relationship, except work on their attachment, which is actually what would fix their relationship. Let's talk now about how attachment issues poison marriage over time. As an example, the anxious person over time,

they get more and more and more resentful. They get more and more broken up. I have done everything for you. You never reciprocate. We're at eight years together and we aren't even talking about marriage yet. I've been waiting. I haven't even brought it up. I've been so good.

We're at eight years. Shouldn't we start talking about getting married? I have so many women come into my live streams on YouTube and on TikTok, all my comment sections at them. We're at eight years. Do you think he's going to pop the question? No. No, I don't.

I think he's with you because you didn't have the guts to pop the question, and that's why he has been so comfortable with you. And when you start pushing for what you actually want, he's going to run. That's why things are going to happen, because that's what usually happens. And women say, I can't believe I wasted eight years with him. Yeah. You should have had that conversation on day one. This is why I teach in dating, right? And now my three-day method is starting to make sense.

You don't waste eight years wondering what somebody wants. You figured out in the first couple of dates. Very, very important. That's what that first year process is to try to break up through having these conversations. Don't wait eight years, believe it please. Avoidant people, they stay avoidant because the anxious person latches onto them and drains the life out of them.

And all the avoidant person has to cycle through his dopamine throughout the course of their relationship over and over and over. Nothing feels good, so they feel betrayed for having put all their energy and time into taking care of the other person. And in their eyes, they're not doing anything wrong because they're just trying to get their needs met when somebody else is refusing to take care of them and refusing to take ownership of their problems. Avoiding people are not monsters. They are just hurt and scared and don't know how to receive love. They don't even know that love is possible. That's the problem. Now, the female sex

drive at one year is not reliant on dopamine. The female sex drive is reliant on all these other brain chemicals, and especially oxytocin. So most of the time the female sex drive falls off a cliff at one year, right? One year, the female sex drive just dies. Well, not if you have a healthy, secure attachment. Actually, the female sex drive just dies. Well, not if you have a healthy, secure attachment. Actually, the female sex drive will switch from dopamine and novelty, really hardcore into the other chemicals, and especially oxytocin. Her sex drive can go up at 12 months. Most people don't realize this.

As a married man with a 15-year marriage, I can vouch for this. This is how I have five kids. It's wonderful when you increase the oxytocin because her sex drive will go up. If she's cold, the marriage is cold, and it's cold because the wrong hormones are being played with. Dopamine is being played with.

When you switch over long term, again, we're gonna show you how to do that. Stay tuned. Sex doesn't die. Sex gets better. And interestingly, long term, the male erection is really dependent on an oxytocin, especially longer into the relationship.

So you'll switch from the dopamine factor of novelty and sex through novelty of banging a new chick every night to long-term oxytocin drive, which will give you stronger erections, longer-lasting erections, better orgasms, and better sexual experiences, long term. It will happen, you just have to make it happen, right? So all of this, all these problems, if you don't do these, you can see how it turns into a powder keg that is just waiting to explode. It's really race to see who's going to cheat first, who's going to call it quits first, who's going to pull the trigger, who's going to file for child custody. It's a race to the bottom, and that's what we're stopping. I hope that everybody listening to this understands, yes, it's serious, yes, Adam understands that marriage is not a walk in the park, and yes, I have a plan to fix it.

We're still going to fix it. Let's go. Let's talk about the kid factor. Let's talk about the kid complication factor, because kids make this so much worse, don't they? In a good way. They're wonderful, but here's what happens. A child is born and mom floods with that oxytocin for the first time in her life. If dad's avoidant, she's anxious, she floods with oxytocin. Now she discovers she has a brand new source of oxytocin that she never ever has to let go of, which is children. Every time she breast feeds, she gets flooded with oxytocin. Did you know that there is actually a problem called breastfeeding addiction where moms can

actually get addicted to breastfeeding and stop doing almost anything else. And then they just sit around doing that all the time, even when the baby doesn't want to, they make the baby breastfeed and they don't stop even at one year, two years, three years, four years, five years, they refuse to stop. And if they try, they get withdrawal symptoms, really hardcore from that oxytocin. Did you know that? A lot of women watching this have probably experienced some of that. If you have from that oxytocin. Did you know that? A lot of women watching this have probably experienced some of that. If you have had low oxytocin through the course of your life, and that's all you got from your children, you stop breastfeeding and then you start chasing obsessively how to

get more oxytocin with them all the time. You'll actually go through a grieving process when you lose that oxytocin flow, but here's what happens. Mom gets massive oxytocin for the first time in her life and doesn't need a voidant dad to provoke it in her anymore and then starts to resent him because he's not bonding with the children the way she wants. The children start getting anxious and indicating signs that they don't know that dad loves them

or they're nervous around him and she starts being angry and resentful of him for now from in her eyes, harming the child. So now this sets up a war between mom, who's addicted to that hormone and connected with her kids and obsessively protective, and a good mom, you should not have a bad mom, that doesn't happen to you to bad mom,

so that's good moms. And she's obsessively protective of those kids and dad who has had none of these hormonal changes has not changed is the same person he always was, and doesn't understand why she has stopped loving him all of a sudden, and why he's now the enemy. So then he claps back and says, you're crazy. What is wrong with you? This is terrible. You want some weird magical unicorn changes, and she can't articulate exactly what needs to change. She just screeches at him to start changing, changing, changing, and it escalates from there. This is the biggest, biggest problem that I saw. And the one that leads to the

most divorced after you have kids is because her hormones change. And she understands about half of attachment without knowing the words just enough to be dangerous, just enough to crack their marriage in half. She's not wrong for demanding better connection, better emotional intimacy, better love, better bonding. She's not wrong for that, but she doesn't understand how to get it or how to teach it to him and he doesn't believe it's possible. And the kids are trapped in the middle. This is why a bad marriage will destroy children because they are fighting over dad not loving them enough.

And mom will bring them into it and overcompensate then by saturating them with it while trying to comfort them and say, it's okay, dad's just, he just doesn't understand how to love anybody. He's, and now she's talking against dad, now she's poisoning them against dad, alienating them from their father. Nobody means for this to happen? No, that's not true.

Very few people mean for this to happen. Most people don't want this to happen, and they hate it, but it keeps happening because they don't know how to pull out that downward spiral. I'm going to show you how to fix that too. So if she isn't going to use get more resentful, he doesn't know what to do. And the stalemate lasts until the last kid hits high school. Now she's out.

She's actually been out for years. She's given up. When women stop talking and stop trying to work with you and stop nagging and stop complaining, that's not good. That doesn't mean she's forgiven you. That doesn't mean she's let it go. She has given up on you. There is now no hope that she's out and she calls for a divorce. And this is where the guys usually say, wait, I'm willing to try now. Let's go to couples therapy. This is usually where this happens. And then she says, no, I'm done. She's gone scorched earth. She's out. She says, I have been enslaved by you for all these years.

You wounded my children. You've destroyed my family. You have no love in your heart. You're a monster. And he says, no, this isn't true. I'm a loving father. And his eyes, he is. He's done everything.

He knows how. And he's really legitimately trying and wounded and grieving. And then she says, no, leaves. Gets boyfriend. And he takes to the internet and says, hey, I had this horrible experience. I was divorced raped. My wife out of the blue told me that I'm not a good husband.

And she abandoned me. Now she wants all the money for no reason. And this is how the Red Pill community feeds on guys right here. As they pick that story up, amplify it, and say, every man has the same experience. There was nothing you could have done. Women are incapable of loyalty. They don't even try to fix the relationship.

They're horrible monsters. And then the radical feminists start up. Oh, you are right to divorce him. They're horrible monsters. He probably raped you every day during your marriage. Didn't he? He probably gave you a black guy all the time. Now both sides separate.

And now the kids hear this and the kids grow up even worse. Hey, hi, Gen Z. How you doing? That's how we've got to where we are. Now, is this all marriages? No. Is red pill and radical feminism the truth about everything? God knows. But we love horrible stories. Don't we? We click on horrible stories. I just released a video on my YouTube channel today about the Steve Harvey scandal. Whenever you're watching this, you might want to Google that, but people on their third marriage, marrying somebody else on their third marriage, and then cheating on each other, and then all kinds of scandals and craziness going on.

People love hearing those stories. Do you remember Amber Herndon, Johnny Depp? I mean, we've been going all these stories all the way back through all of history. Helen of Troy, right? We still have that story around through the Iliad. Where? Where do we draw the line? Well, let's start talking about better marriages. No, we all hear the nightmares. Now, as every man, a cannibal rapist waiting to happen, as every woman, a gold digger who wants to harvest your kidneys, not really, probably, maybe some of them, but not most of them.

You just have to filter carefully. Through the dating method, through the last episode, watch it again. You'll see how to filter carefully. If you're already married, or you want to talk about how to build a great marriage, that's what this episode will be. Marriage does not have to be this bad. In fact, it can be quite wonderful. So there's the ugly.

I hope that by now you understand, yes, Adam understands it's horrible. It can be horrible, but there's awful things out there that I'm not asking you to lay down in a bear trap. What I do want to tell you is that there's also good. Let me tell you some of the good stories I have heard. So I'm 15 years married, five kids very happily married, and our marriage gets better every day. Wonderful marriage.

I've also had people come into my office and fix their marriages. So I had one young couple in particular. They were on the edge of divorce. They had just discovered one of them was having an affair. Two weeks previous to our first session, the fair was discovered.

Two weeks, they walked into my office and the one that was having the fair wanted to leave. They were like, they said, no, I'm not sure I want to fix this marriage. I kind of like the other person better. They make me feel better. And the other person was begging, please, please let's fix our marriage. Neither one of them had ever heard about attachment before. We talked about attachment. We talked about all the broken chemicals, the dopamine cycling. We talked about not sharing emotional needs. We talked about feeling all alone.

And they both broke down crying in the first session. Second session, we dove into fixing it. Third session, they came back. Now this was four weeks after the affair was discovered. And they were more happy together than they had ever been even during their dating process because they'd finally started sharing their needs. They had basically a gun to their head from divorce and they had to open up and give it one last try and they did.

And they talked about all the problems they had never talked about. They talked about all their fears they had never talked about. They talked about their childhood hurts problems they had never talked about. They talked about all their fears they had never talked about. They talked about their childhood hurts. They had never really explored. They discovered that many of their hurts were the same and that they needed the same things but had always been afraid to ask each other for it. When they did that, they bonded.

They went from dopamine, a dopamine marriage, to a fulfilled and integrated marriage. All the other chemicals flowed. And then a dopamine affair that one of them was having meant nothing. They were so, so deep into each other after four weeks from discovering the affair that they were more in love

than ever. It was easy to walk them through bonding after that and to repair their marriage and prepare them for their first child, which was wonderful. They are still happily married to this day. So it can get so much better. I've also had couples walk in after 40 years of marriage. Their kids are grown, their kids are married

and have kids of their own. And everybody in the family has attachment problems. And it all traces back to not the couple, not the old couple, but their parents and their trauma and their issues who are now dead. And the older couple in their late 60s, maybe early 70s even, now is starting to talk about why is our family so messed up?

Why are we so unhappy? We're not gonna get a divorce, but we are unhappy as a couple. We are always at odds. One of us is always scared. The other one's always angry. There's so much resentment. We don't have sex.

How do we even fix this? Well, it doesn't take them four weeks, like a young couple. Young couples move fast. It took them about two or three months, about the same 90 days, about 90 days, to start building their attachment and undoing years and decades of trauma and pain

and hurt and sharing with each other. And I'd open one of them up and say, okay, you are afraid of this and your partner reminds you of that part from your childhood. You're 65 and you're now remembering from childhood how mom made you feel and now your partner comes in and makes you feel the same way without knowing it or meaning to and you react to them the same way you did as a child. And they break down crying and their partner would hold them and they would bond and heal

through it. And then we'd reverse it and the other one would hold them, and they would bond and heal through it. And then we'd reverse it, and the other one would crack them open, and show them what they had been living with for 65 years of their life and 40 years of marriage. And when they did this, after 90 days, they were holding each other, they were laughing, their bonding was improved, their sex life was improved, and they were starting to heal their adult children for the sake of healing their grandchildren as well. I've seen it heal from the top down through family generations like that too. Any marriage can be fixed, as long as both partners are willing to do the work to fix it. Now that doesn't mean every marriage will look the same, but doesn't mean every marriage

is a closed marriage. Does it mean every single marriage is whatever you've imagined. There's not one cookie cutter perfect marriage. It has to be but every marriage can be fixed become loving and fulfilling and intimate for both partners as long as both are willing to do the work. So take heart from that Now let me be clear Marriage is not about feelings Marriage is not about fun Marriage is not even about love Marriage is not about fun. Marriage is not even about love. Marriage is not about paper. Marriage is not about laws. None of those things is what marriage is about. Marriage

may include some of those things. In fact, it probably includes most of those things, all of those things, during the course of the marriage, but marriage is not about any of those. And I say that as a happily married man who loves my wife and she loves me, it's warm, I know, you could probably throw it up right now, but marriage is not even about love. Marriage is more than most people understand or think because nobody today really understands marriage. So let's redefine it. Marriage is nothing less than a business. You don't go into business for love, you don't go into business for feelings, you don't go into business for paper or the laws and laws don't really protect your business. Relationships inside your business protect your business.

The relationships between two co-founders is what actually protects the business. You can have everything locked in with paper and laws, and it will still fall apart. You can even like each other, and things will still fall apart. Marriage is a business. It's the business of legacy. You're creating a shared legacy

that you could not create on your own. My legacy with my wife, yes, we have children, yes. Well, hopefully maybe someday some of our kids will have kids of their own. Grandkids, great, great kids. That would be fantastic I'd love for that to happen our legacy is the work here helping people teaching people about attachment

Investing in companies maybe someday if I'm wildly wealthy all investing companies Maybe I'll mentor people to become great at attachment work and help people but helping people fix their marriages helping people take care of each other and feel more fulfilled and less afraid. That's a legacy. And my wife is not here on camera teaching this and doing this work, but it's her legacy too, because she's behind me backing me taking care of everything at home that I could not, if I had to do that, I couldn't do even half of what I'm doing here. I couldn't do any of, even half of what I do out in the world. We are creating a shared legacy that is so much bigger than the legacy we could create alone. That's the purpose of marriage

is to protect that legacy that we are creating jointly together. That's how you need to treat it. Because it's not about love, it's not about feelings, it's about creating a legacy that matters forever that's better than what you could do alone. Now treat it like a business. No more feelings. If you started a business, for example, would you base everything in your business on how you feel all the time?

Would you try to win against your business partner? It makes your co-founder try to win in arguments against them and look smart and look better and always assume you were right. Would you keep secrets from your co-founder, try to win in arguments against them and look smart and look better and always assume you were right. Would you keep secrets from your co-founder? Oh, I've been funneling money secretly into this other thing. All the time, no, I hope you wouldn't. Would you expect your partner, your co-founding partner to mind-read all the time and figure out what you want and figure out your expectations and figure out what the problems are and solve

them? Would you let resentment fester in your business? Just constant festering resentment all the time you never fixed. You think that's good for a business? Would you downplay your concerns all the time? Always ignore all red flags to try to just maintain the business. Keep it going. Would you ignore warnings from your partner or from other people?

I hope not. Because in a business, what would bankrupt your business is the same thing that will bankrupt your marriage. Bankrupting a marriage is a divorce. Think of it that way. If it would bankrupt your business, it will bankrupt your marriage. So in a business, you should cooperate to solve problems. If you're very clear and cooperate, hey, there's a problem, let's solve it together. Let's blame later. It's cooperate. You would have a unifying mission. In a business that's

usually to make money, but often also to have some sort of good impact in the world, right? Have a mission that you strive toward. If one of you only wants money and one of you only wants a non-profit, it's not gonna work, have a unified mission. You also have unifying values. Every corporate sector out there, every corporate job out there, if you work a corporate job, you know the company has a mission

and the company has values, right? The car culture, unifying values, unifying mission, it's very important because you get behind it and then you can function the same and you can call everybody back to it. You also make decisions based on that mission, not how you feel. This is the purpose of our mission. This is the purpose of our business, our family, our marriage. Let's make decisions that would be good for what we're building together in our marriage.

You also have meetings to address concerns, right? This is one of the number one things I teach couples is have business meetings every week where you assess how things go and then course correct during the course of that week. When things are really stressful, you have it every three days. When things are great and wonderful, at least minimum once a month, you check in. Catch them when they're small, fix them together. You would also take fears and hurts very seriously in a business if you want it to be maintained constantly. You take those things very serious, you don't laugh at people when they're hurt or afraid, you help them.

You also seek solutions at all times. You don't just blame and blame and blame and ignore, cry about the problems. If you cry about the problems long enough in a business, somebody else solves the problem and makes money away from you and pulls money away from you and ruins your business. You'd also work together as a team, right? Maybe even have uniforms. I don't know. You would work as a team in your business. You'd also forgive each other for hurts just to keep the mission going. You're weird.

Oh, well, let's make money together. You keep going. You don't let the tiny little things ruin your daily life and ruin your working together as a business. And you'd also continuously foster deeper connection. Those are the 10 things that you need to keep doing in your marriage continuously if you

want it to work. Not just not go bankrupt, but thrive, right? Because business is the goal is not to not go bankrupt. And you start a business is to thrive. Your marriage should be the same. So let's talk marriage. Let's talk about how to fix it if you're stuck right here. First of all, like I said, I teach couples to have what I call the state of the union's

page. It's about as masculine as you can get, I know ladies are probably rolling their eyes. You can call whatever you want, you can call it the feelings check-in. I don't care. But state of the Union speech is this. Hey, on a scale of 1 to 10, how are you feeling in our relationship right now? And how can we help you go up one point? That's it. It's that simple.

You are not allowed to ask, why are you so low? What did I do wrong? How do we make you go to 10 out of 10? Hey, quick check in. One out of 10, where you at? How you feeling in this relationship? And how can we help you just go up one point? Now this takes all the pressure off both of you because you don't have to say, uh, how are you feeling in our relationship?

Uh, I'm fine. It's good. Well, no, what number are you at? Well, you know, I'm at like a six. Why? No, you don't do that. I'm in a six. Oh, okay.

How can we help you go up one point? Now, they're not going to tell you one point. Like, oh, I need to do socks. They're going to tell you the big thing. They're going to tell you the biggest thing. But the pressure is down now because you don't have to make it go perfect. How do we become perfect? Well, you can't ever. Oh, we're doomed. How can we help you go up one point? Even by asking that question, by caring, you have made them

go up one point. It's just how it works. You care enough to ask and work with them. Okay. How can we help you go up one point? Well, I need this, this, and this. Okay, let's do that. You've now made them go up a second point by verbally committing to actually caring and doing it. And then when you follow through on it, you help them go up a third point. You've proven your trust and your care, and it works. So by doing that approach, you make them go from six up to nine typically. And that's how you start repairing your relationship and use this every single week, every single week.

During rough patches, every three days, every day, if you need to, during really amazing pieces, you do this at least minimum once a month because you always keep tracking. Once a month, 12 times a year, you check in on your marriage and see how you're doing and ask how to go back up one point. You are always tracking, always tracking, always working together. If you didn't do this as a business, you would be screwed. If you don't do this as a marriage, you are screwed. So never, ever stop this.

Never, ever stop this. Not for the rest of your life. You might change over time and not use the one to 10 scale. That's okay. You may shift and say, thing, you know what? How you doing? And what do you need? Maybe that's how you shift. Maybe some couples become that other couples keep charts and graphs about how people's numbers have gone up and whatever kind of couple you are cool. Taylor to you. I'm not here to control you. Taylor it to you, but don't not do it. The couples who stop doing it, are the couples who come back into me after six months or a year and say,

Adam, I don't know where we fell off the tracks. I don't know what went wrong. Did you keep doing the meetings? Oh, well, we did for about a month, and then we didn't need it, so we quit. Okay, how did things go? Well, things kind of crept up on us, and now we're not sure what to do about it.

Okay, immediately, reinstitute the meetings immediately and let's troubleshoot the problems you've let creep up on you. And it works. Keep doing the meetings. When you find those problems, work as a team to solve them, only the solutions matter. I'm going to tell you this right now. blame doesn't matter. blame is stupid. blame is pointless. The only time you really care about who's contributing to the problem is so that you can fix that too. But blame is completely stupid and pointless. It's gonna bankrupt your relationship. If a bunch of co-founders sat in a room screaming no you're making us go bankrupt, no you're making us go bankrupt, those go bankrupt. Fix your relationship as long as you're both willing to work on it, you can fix it. And if you need help, call in a business consultant. Hi, call on a coach,

or a therapist who helps you actually fix your relationship, get back on track, and then keep going. That's the goal. Always be focused on solving problems. Now attachment is huge for this because if you have broken attachment, you don't believe that problems are possible to fix. You don't believe other people will fix them. You will try to fix them alone. You so low will say there's a problem. I have to fix it. No, get out of my way. I'm going to fix our marriage. You don't even mention it to the other person. You try to push their buttons to try to make them feel good so that they'll treat you better and do what you want them to do. You'll play games with them. That's what broken attachment does and that's destructive for businesses and for relationships. Don't do that.

Fix your attachment. Now, as we've talked about, I've got a course to help you fix out the attachment boot camp that will accelerate the process of fixing your attachment. You can find a description down in the video link below. Fix your attachment, guys. Please, number one, so that you can actually work together as a couple. You're not scared of sharing your needs, and you don't go bankrupt. Now, this is a fun one.

A big part of marriage is sex. Let's talk about sex. Let's talk about really good sex. This is a need, not a want. So I'm gonna put that to bed right now. Good sex and loving sex is a need. It's not a want, an a marriage, an a marriage. I don't even care if it's a need for men or women,

it's a need in a marriage. Just about every marriage out there, maybe not every marriage, but's a need in a marriage. Just about every marriage out there, maybe not every marriage, but just about needs sex to happen. There's a number of reasons. Now, the female sex drive we talk about is a huge indicator for the health or wellness of the marriage or the brokenness of the marriage,

right? Female sex drive is huge for this. It's like, it's the thermometer of your marriage. You want it hot. You want a hot marriage all the time, because if it gets cold, things are going to get ugly because that means the relationship is cold. She is a huge indicator for the health of the overall relationship. Focus on building that emotional intimacy. Now the emotional intimacy should lead to physical intimacy which then should

lead to sexual intimacy. Oxytocin. Oxytocin, right, of this bonding hormone. Oxytocin is released in the absence of stress when cortisol is low, it doesn't block the production and reception of it. It releases in the absence of stress when you are emotionally close to each other and relaxed in each other's presence and then able to share and bond through that sharing. Great conversations, walks together, physical contact when you're relaxed, all of those pieces release oxytocin. I've had a ton of teaching on this on my YouTube channel.

You can check out other videos for that if you need, but specifically, you need to be making sure she's getting high oxytocin. The both of you really are, that you're releasing that together. If you build that good oxytocin creates really good physical contact because you become spontaneously affectionate. You wanna hold each other more, you wanna kiss each other more, you wanna be closer to each other.

That leads into more oxytocin, which then when you get into the bedroom, you don't go from zero to a hundred, you start doing four play because it's so much fun. That starts building more oxytocin. The purpose of four play is to build oxytocin. If you prime your wife throughout the day, guys, you won't need as much four play because her engine's already been running all day long and she's ready to

go. But foreplay is good for man and women because it boosts your oxytocin. And remember guys, after that first year, the novelty of sex might start to wear off with dopamine, but the oxytocin will keep your sex drive enormously high toward her. Keep that in mind. That's how you enjoy having sex long term with the same person over and over and over. But the oxytocin becomes crucial. After a year, men really need for play as well, typically. Now, you can't function without it,

but that things get so much better with it. And that leads directly into sex. Now, she is so aroused, sometimes within seconds after intercourse, after penetration, she can orgasm that fast, you guys. If you want that happening, multiple orgasms, you want constant, constant good flow of sex in your relationship all the time,

get the emotional intimacy there. Now, I have a method for this, guys, I'm gonna make it really simple. Guys are probably watching this saying, what do I do? What's the emotional intimacy? How do I do this? Share.

You share with her and here's exactly why, and here's how a four-step process to share with your wife to boost her emotional sex drive very quickly. This works. Wives write in all the time when I talk about this and say, oh, Adam, thank God you've discovered the method. Please teach this to everybody. I watch this video with my husband and it's working.

Using this method can three times the amount of sex you have in a week. If it's zero, then you'll just get three more times. Don't worry about it. We'll get you there where you're having sex three, five times a week. Trust me, it's great to be having sex that much. You'll enjoy it. All right, four step-mouth method. Number one, guys, women share emotionally and communicatively, not just to solve problems, but to bond, to connect, to see that they're worthy of time, worthy of attention, that you care about them, that you actually invest enough in them to listen and then to start talking solutions down the road and then working together.

It's about trust and intimacy, so not sharing is death. I saw a great video from the 1940s, either it was black and white filming a woman talking about how her husband just came home from work. And he never, never ever tells her about his workload, ever. So she never knows what his life is like. He has gone in the video. She was talking about, he leaves at six. He comes home at one a.m. This is back in like the 40s, 50s.

And she never knows about him. She never hears about his day. And he said, I don't want to add more weight to your plate because you deal with so much at home, you can't help me with my problems. Why would I share with you? It would make your life harder. And she said, no, not sharing with me is making my life harder because I feel so disconnected from you. That's male and female communication right there. Why would I dump my problems on your plate when you can't solve them and it will make you miserable? Men thinking women, I am miserable because you are not sharing with me so I don't feel close to you.

Guys see the problem? So here's what you're going to do. Guys find a problem. Find a problem in your life. I don't care what the problem is. Your motorcycle won't start. There's a coworker who's annoying you, right? You want a promotion at work.

You're stuck on a project. Find a problem in your life. Go to her and say, hey babe, can I pick your brain for five minutes? Can you just listen to me? I want to get your thoughts on something. Share the problem. Let's say it's a coworker.

Women love relationship problems especially. There's this guy at work, right? We're always at odds. He never listens to me. We're always fighting over projects. It's a fight to get things done. It's a struggle and he has horrible ideas, but he always thinks he's right.

Share the problem. Next share, how the problem makes you feel. Makes you relatable. Makes you understand your way of thinking. I'm frustrated. It makes it hard to go to work. I almost just want to quit my job. And I just want to get things done,

but I can't get around him. I'm just so frustrated by this guy. Makes you relatable and she understands how your thinking works around problems. Number three, share the solution you're thinking of applying. Yes, already have a solution and share it with her. I know that sounds weird. Why would I share it with my wife?

I already have a solution. No, wait a minute. Share the solution. I think I'm just gonna hit him in the head with a brick and that will solve the problem. Cool. Here's what you do. Here's why you share the solution with her. Because the male brain goes back to observe a problem, and that will solve the problem. Cool. Here's what you do. Here's why you share the solution with her,

because the male brain goes back to observe a problem and forward to act upon the problem. Observe a problem, grab a solution, fix it. Hit them in the head with a brick. Fantastic. The female brain observes, and then goes back and forth, and back and forth, and back and forth across the hemispheres, analyzing all the relationships

that that solution is connected to, and third level consequences that you haven't even imagined yet. They're going to happen in an alternate dimension three years from now. Her brain will piece those together. Use that. Here's what you say. Not, should I do it? Don't make it her decision. They don't want that. Here's what my solution is. What do you think of that? Or can you give me some insight on this? Do you think that's a good idea? Do you see something I've missed?

Or even just share with me. What are your thoughts on this? Open up the floor and let her discuss. And you, like me, will probably be shocked at what your wife brings to the table because she will start spouting off ideas. This could happen, this could, yeah, if you hit them in the head with a brick,

that will solve that. But what about this guy over here who's going to hit you with a brick? You know, she'll bring up all kinds of things that you haven't even thought of. My wife is incredible at this. I love this connection we have. It's the difference between the male and female brain. We compliment each other. That doesn't mean we separate to solve problems.

We're supposed to solve problems together. Men, we find the solutions. Then we talk them through with the female brain that refines that solution and make sure it's safe and workable and then clicks back in with a better version of that solution. That's how it's supposed to function in a healthy marriage. That's awesome.

So do this and then thank her for that insight. Thank you, babe. I appreciate that. I'm gonna have to think about this. Maybe I'll refine my solution a little bit more. This gives a massive, enormous, emotional boost because you have made her valuable in your relationship. Here's the thing.

This tells her that you are going to stay with her for a long time. This tells her that she has a method for becoming more valuable to you over time as she learns how your brain works and the solutions you like and the process as you deal with her solutions and her answers and help can become more helpful over time. She can refine like an AI program, more and more as she learns about you and builds beautiful solutions that work perfectly for you.

What this also does is as she ages, she trades beauty and beauty and youth and fertility for wisdom and experience and being refined into helping you create the best legacy together. There we go. That you can possibly create. And she is more valuable to you than any 19 year old bikini bimbo could possibly be. So she is secure and safe. Her sex drive goes up through the roof as she's bonding with you. This is how you do it guys.

Please use this method. Start doing this. Do it weekly if possible. If you do this once a week, find a problem. Don't invent one. Don't be fake, but find a problem. Bring it to your wife and talk it through every week, every other week, once a month, even do this and you will see the emotional intimacy start boosting.

Here's another piece. Female bonding, right? Guys, have you ever had your wife come home and you ask, Hey, baby, how's your day? And she starts talking about what she ate and the shoes she wore and her arch nemesis at work, right? The other woman she hates. Every woman has one of these women. And, you know, what she ate for lunch then, and how she felt about the salad she had for lunch,

the feelings it inspired her. And you're wondering why she's sharing all this insane information with you. And so you shut her off, you're trying to find the solution to the problem to solve. You find it, wait a minute, I can solve that. And you shut her down to give her the solution. And you're so happy,

because you think she'll be happy that you just gave her the solution to her problem. You found the problem, you solved it. What you've just done is tell her, I don't have time for you. I'm not interested in hearing about your day. Here's your solution, go away. That's what you've just done in woman's peak.

Don't do this. And women, please understand that when you come home and do that, if that, his brain is naturally designed to start finding solutions. So if you aren't letting him find and supply solutions, if you get mad at him and if he tries to give you solutions, you're punishing him for trying to love you. So men and women, both, here's what you do. Women, please say, Hey, babe, let me share with you about my day. Okay. She wants to share. I will listen. The problem,

male brain, or the problem is that she wants to bond. I can solve it by listening. And then he can sit down and eat popcorn and listen to you for five hours, because he's solving a problem. Men, here's what you do, is ask, hey babe, wait, I'm happy to hear this. I just wanna make sure I give you what you need. Do you wanna share with me? Are you sharing or do you need a solution? Otherwise, I will, I'm happy to listen.

Don't say, do you just want me to listen? Don't minimize it. Do you wanna share with me? Or do you need a solution right now? So I make sure I get you what you need. No, I'm nine times out of 10. No, don't minimize it. Do you want to share with me or do you need a solution right now? So I make sure I get you what you need. No, I'm nine times out of 10. No, I really want to share. Great.

That's guys, click that in your brain. The problem is that she wants to be close to you. The solution is to sit there and listen and engage, actively listen to what she's saying. Wow, babe, that's crazy. Oh, tell me that again. Whoa, she did what? Go about that and bond and connect.

That will build a lot of emotional intimacy through your day as well. Both of you start doing this. Oh, tell me that again. Well, she did what? Go about that and bond and connect. That will build a lot of emotional intimacy through your day as well. Both of you start doing this. This will bond and build that emotional intimacy. Female sex drive will go way up here. Guys, you will be fighting her off with a stick. It'll be great.

You'll have five kids just like I do. So what about male bonding, right? We don't want to just one side of this coin. Men bond best through vasopressin. Now vasopressin is a hormone released in the presence of stress when you overcome it together. I tell women this and they say, great, I'll just pull a knife on him. That'll stress him out. Or don't be, don't be his piece. Be his stress. No, no, no.

Solve stress together. And also women say, can I just give him a task to solve for me? No, no, no. Solve stress together. Hey, babe, here is a problem. How can we fix it? Great, let's do that, right? You pay off a debt together. High five, right?

You do a jigsaw puzzle and you solve it. High five, you refurbish a chair. You fix a car problem. You learn a skill together. You go take a dancing class, practice it and get better and better and better at it and then you achieve a milestone. Celebrate the milestones.

It can be anything. Let him teach you a skill, and then as you grow, celebrate your milestones, he's training you. Men bond really well through teaching, by the way. That's how we bond best with our kids, especially. Vassipresson is bonding through solving little stresses together and celebrating milestones.

Women out there, if you want men to bond with you with Vassipresson, really, really, really important that you have problems to solve together. Attachment of shoes, again, make you solve problems alone, or make you feel like you did all the work, solving problems together in a company, for example, brings you back together. Vassar Presson is enormously important. Now, this extends the life of the marriage. The research actually shows the couples who have the highest levels of Vastopressin bonding are the ones most likely to stay together because their brain says, you are my ally, I now want to emotionally invest in staying with you,

which increases the man's likelihood of oxytocin bonding then with you and wanting to, because his brain says, keep her. So, more Vastopressin bonding, it also brings back the honeymoon phase. You know, it's stupid saying about how the passion dies in every marriage and it's always going to be doomed. Well, no, the passion doesn't have to die. It's the vast of press and bonding that has died and it's got stale, bringing vast of press and back, brings the honeymoon phase back that fast.

You can have 20 honeymoon phases through the course of your marriage if you want to by building vast of presson events in. This also means that when you hit a crisis, he won't turn away from you and try to solve it alone or with his secretary. He will solve the problem with you because his brain has been programmed to solve problems with you as an ally. It's enormously important that you do this. Now tips to release Vassar Presson. Jigsaw puzzles, repairing them around the house, restoring furniture, building Ikea bookshelves if you can survive the experience, that's good. Restoring a car, building a bird house, learning that skill together like I talked about, letting

him teach you a skill, solving life stress, just pulling a life stress around you, don't have to invent that. Supporting him in his mission, my wife does this with me, hey babe, you have a big event coming up. How can I help you with that? Oh, I will not have time to cook healthy whole meals. Can you keep some hot meals ready for me? So I don't default to junk food. Yes, I will do that.

Amazing, that helps me in my mission. As I stop and pause each day and I eat those good clean meals, I'm like, wow, she's really helping me. That's why I'm here telling you, like my wife helps me on my mission because she really does. That's vast of press here telling you, like my wife helps me on my mission because she really does. That's Vassar Press and bonding with us

as we built this company together. As we built all of our legacy together. It's important though, to celebrate milestones. My wife and I are that cheesy couple that when we do something together, we both yell Vassar Press and we high five because we are doing it, but we're also acknowledging

that we are solving problems together as a team. And that reinforces for us, oh, we are a team. This is worthy of celebrating. We don't just blaze right past it, not bond. We stop and celebrate it. I suggest you to do the same thing out there. Do it. The softer bonding experience, more back to oxytocin again, right? How do you oxytocin bond for both of you? Once he's invested through vast suppressing, once she's getting some oxytocin through the conversations, this is huge, like I said, for the female sex drive and the orgasm and all of that good stuff, oxytocin builds like this.

All the talking methods we discussed before, holding hands more. So many couples forget to hold hands or just put your arm around her or lay on him or let him lay on your chest or all kinds of things. One of the biggest things when couples have no physical contact, I have her lay down on pillows and have him lay his head on her chest. Guys, firstly, this is weird, and you're super stiff and awkward. And then the woman starts to really enjoy it, because, frankly, women are programmed to love somebody laying on their chest,

like babies, and it releases a ton of oxytocin for her. And guys, if you can relax into it, especially if you've asked a person bonded with her, and you feel safer with her as a human being, and you actually like her, then you'll start to release oxytocin yourself as well, because you were programmed to also release oxytocin when laying on a woman's breast.

Just, baby, it's just science. Lay on each other, take walks together, snuggle together on the couch, like snuggle on a little blanky when you're watching a movie. Watch funny movies together, and not movies where you're just staring at the screen the entire time, but watch movies you've seen 15 times so that you can laugh and make fun of them. One of my wife's favorite series ever is Mystery Science, theater 3000, the old ones, where they watch the cheesy, terrible movies, and they laugh and joke through them, and now she and I watch cheesy movies and we do our own version of those riffs

and we riff on the movies together the whole time we're doing it. We have a blast. We've seen the movies a million times and we're bonding as we go through the movies together. Die Hard is a great one to do this with. By the way, I recommend Die Hard. Also fun games and also the old classic dinner dates.

How many married couples forget to go on dates? How many married couples forget to go on dates? How many married couples forget to have fun together and forget to bond? This is a terrible, terrible thing. You need to be bonding and dating your partner. Continue doing that. You would do this with a co-founder, right? You don't never speak again.

You don't visit each other's offices. You don't never, ever interact outside of work, ever. You don't shut down the relationship completely. All right, we're co-founded. That's done. We no longer have to build our relationship. No, you continue maintaining your co-founding relationship so that there's harmony in the business, right? Same thing in marriage. Why on earth would you stop doing that in marriage? Even more important to do it there, you guys. Continue maintaining the emotional bond. This is why continuing

to update after marriage is absolutely crucial. Vassar Presson renews that passion and it protects you from crises. Oxytocin builds that long-term love and joy for men and women, right? Why would I have sex with the same woman for the rest of my life?

Well, the Oxytocin and Vassar Presson bonding, you do with her. You won't want to really have sex with anybody else. You will not, you'll never have desires but you will be so focused into this relationship, it will be so fulfilling that you'll realize sex with somebody else would be like eating a really sugary donut.

Yeah, once in a while you go, sugary donut sounds okay, but why? Would you rather have the best burger you've ever eaten in your life that every time you eat it, it is just as wonderful as the first time you ate it, or a sugary donut from a gas station. Most guys that choose the burger. The burger is strong, guys. We'll talk about the burger effect another time, but it's good.

Just trust me. Men in sex, you can get vasopressin in sex, ladies. If you want to release vast of press and in sex Here's how you do this right ladies So if you ever had your husband come to you maybe when he was younger Maybe you guys were having fun and he's like all right today We're gonna give you 10 orgasms and ladies are like Why 10 why that number why would we do that? Well? I don't know if I want 10 like please like I'd like to walk after this would we do that? Well, I don't even know if I want 10, like, please, like, I'd like to walk after this.

Maybe yeah, the first couple of times you enjoyed it, but eventually it feels arbitrary, it feels weird. Why is he doing this? The guys are trying to set a goal, stress, set a goal, and meet it with you together as a team. This is incredible. If guys are doing this, ladies, do not turn them down. Now, you don't have to hit 10. You could say, a more reasonable goal, I would rather have four. Can we please do four really big ones? Can we work together to achieve four? Ladies, if you have a hard time doing this, it might be because you have oxytocin deficiency, actually.

So you may have to hit your goal of one. Let's do one. Many women, they fail to vast suppressant bond with mendering sex. We'll talk about that a little bit, but... If you're having that experience, build the oxytocin, everything should get better. Build the vast suppress and bonding through sex by letting him hit those goals together with you. And both of you should be oxytocin

bonding. This is the biggest problem that men do when they get into really heavy porn use, is they have porn sex. They think that sex is all about activities. It's all about novelty. It's all about 15 different positions. It's all about drive and give it to her heart as hard and fast as humanly possible. And they almost forget she's in the room. It's not an intimate experience. It's a rough experience, typically. And women know the difference. Now, anxiously attached women will be happy they're just getting the attention and avoidantly attached women don't usually want emotional intimacy, but over time, as she bonds to you, even anxious women will want more, and healthy women will always want more.

So oxytocin during sex comes from maybe pausing, laughing, sharing, connecting, checking in with each other, right? Doesn't have to be weird, you don't have to say, how are you doing? Checking in, laughing, pausing, kissing, going back to a little bit of foreplay, having it be an experience that you build together. Every time you have sex, it should be an experience

that you create together. Now it's not to say you never have a quickie, it's not to say the sex is never rough, but even that, build the experience together and have a good time, a mutual will time. Don't forget that they're in the room. Good sex, like I said, is not like porn. It's not about focusing on body parts and activities. It flows. It flows from the emotional intimacy. The emotional intimacy flows into the physical contact, non-sexual physical contact. That flows into the oxytocin, the foreplay, that flows into the intercourse, that flows

into that fun and laughter and silliness during sex, that flows into the check-ins, that flows into more play and more activities and more fun, and that flows into multiple orgasms for her and a great giant orgasm for him or two or three. Guys, if you want multiple orgasms, often oxytocins is the one that does that. Yes, you can have that initially with a dopamine burst with one partner, but that will wear off over time, typically. You want multiple orgasms, guys, start building your own oxytocin levels. That'll help you spring back to life pretty quick. Like I said, one last time, please remember this point. Sex should be a shared experience that the two of you enjoy and build together.

So if you follow the tips that we've talked about here today, your marriage should be a rich and fulfilling experience that lasts for life. You should have a partner you can trust. You should have lots of great sex, financial stability and safety, right? No divorce, no destruction, no absolute bankruptcy. It's also gonna create better safety for your kids, right?

Which is what you probably want to build if you have kids in your relationship. The legacy you create together will be intact. If you maintain these steps, your life won't go bankrupt and you won't destroy your legacy together. That's what divorce really does is wound the legacy, but both of you are each trying to create and splits your legacy down the half, and then damages both of your ability to create a good legacy going forward. It diminishes the impact you could have had on this world.

This, everything we've talked about will give you that rich fulfilling bond for life that boosts your legacy even more. Now, you can easily see how a proper, proper healthy loving marriage that your kids get to watch is going to lead into great parenting. And that's why the next episode is all about parenting, especially parenting with good attachment. So make sure you don't miss this. And the meantime, if you want to learn more about the male sex drive, more about the female sex drive, more about building those good relationships and long-term marriage, check out my attachment bootcamp video course. It is linked below in the video description. So, I'll sell my website,

Adam Lane Smith, and I will see you in that next episode all about good parenting. Thank you for listening to Mind Pump. If your goal is to build and shape your body, dramatically improve your health and energy, and maximize your overall performance, check out our discounted RGB Superbundle at MindPumpMedia.com. The RGB Superbundle includes maps and a ballac, maps performance and maps aesthetic. Nine months of phased, expert exercise programming designed by Sal Adam and Justin to systematically transform the way your body looks, feels and performs. With detailed workout blueprints in over 200 videos, the RGB Superbundle is

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