Mind Pump: Raw Fitness Truth - 490: How to Win at Sex, Fitness & Life

Episode Date: April 13, 2017

In this episode Sal, Adam & Justin discuss a variety of topics... sex, drugs, fitness, fat loss, etc. and how up your chances at satisfaction in all areas. Get our newest program, Kettlebells 4 Aesthetics (KB4A), which provides full expert workout programming to sculpt and shape your body using kettlebells. Only $7 at www.mindpumpmedia.com! Get MAPS Prime, MAPS Anywhere, MAPS Anabolic, MAPS Performance, MAPS Aesthetic, the Butt Builder Blueprint, the Sexy Athlete Mod AND KB4A (The MAPS Super Bundle) packaged together at a substantial DISCOUNT at www.mindpumpmedia.com. Make EVERY workout better with MAPS Prime, the only pre-workout you need… it is now available at mindpumpmedia.com Have Sal, Adam & Justin personally train you via video instruction on our YouTube channel, Mind Pump TV. Be sure to Subscribe for updates. Get your Kimera Koffee at www.kimerakoffee.com, code "mindpump" for 10% off! Got a beard? Condition your beard with Big Top Beard Company’s natural oils and organic essential oil blends to make it not only feel great but smell amazing! Get Big Top Beard Company products at www.bigtopbeardcompany.com, code "mindpump" for 33% off. Add to the incredible brain enhancing effect of Kimera Koffee with www.brain.fm/mindpump 10 Free sessions! Music for the brain for incredible focus, sleep and naps! Please subscribe, rate and review this show! Each week our favorite reviewers are announced on the show and sent Mind Pump T-shirts! Guys talk shop about the growth of Mind Pump (2:21) --Realism  --Consulting on social media accounts --Being self-aware Real talk about parenting / Childhood memories (18:10) --Sex talk --Drugs --Believe in the magic (ie: Santa Claus, Easter Bunny) --Elf on the shelf --D.A.R.E. What drives the guys / Checking themselves / Real talk (1:06:01) --Helping the less fortunate  --Loving yourself --Evaluate your emotions Related Links/Products Mentioned Madonna Complex People Mentioned: Tom Bilyeu Steve Jobs Elon Musk Tony Robbins

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Mind, up, mind, up with your hosts. Salda Stefano, Adam Schaefer, and Justin Andrews. Where did you get that sweater? Can we talk about your outfit right now? You got a real dad outfit right here. Can we talk about your outfit right now? It's very, dad outfit right here. Can we talk about your outfit right now? It's very, I'm gonna go pick up the kids at three o'clock. This one right here.

Yeah, bro, this is in style, bro. You're too comfortable. What do you mean I'm too comfortable with yourself? What, I think there's a part, I think there's a part of hell. I think there's a part of healthiness of being a little insecure. Yeah, I think so. I think you're too, I think you're too,

your outfit says I'm too secure with myself. You know what, do you know what I think you're too, I think you're too, I think you're too, you're too, you're Alphid says I'm too secure with myself. You know what, you know what, you know what it says? You know what, you know what, you know what, comfortable translates to? Confidence. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It says it all over you.

I'm so, I'm extremely confident. I'm extremely confident. I'm getting naked right now, motherfucker. Don't challenge my comfort level. Actually, you know, it's great. Don't push him in that direction. Also, my dick. You know, we always talk to our audience, right?

I think multiple times we said this, we said this, we show. You know, he doesn't shower. People ask us about the whole greatest strength is your greatest weakness. And I'm gonna pick on Sal right now because he has to. What the fuck? Because you haven't got the time.

You out of this kid, how did I get lambasted? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. You haven't, you haven't, you haven't, you haven't got a credible self-awareness. And that's one of the things I absolutely adore about you. I think it's an incredible trait. You would do a world. I do. I feel like a child. I think it's an incredible trait. You adore it. I do.

I feel like a child. Right. Was that the author I feel like? No, that was a good word. That was a good word. Adam has like hearts in his eyes right now. I feel like you adore me. Continue.

Yeah, no, I just, there's not a lot of men that I meet that I feel are on that. And this is, see, I was really complying myself on the same level as I am. It was so good. Right. He thought it was a compliment. I just went, you know, I am. You're so good. Right. He thought it was a compliment. I just went right back.

You know, you remind me myself. We call you the rebounder. Oh, not quite as smart. And good looking compliment. Dish boom bounces back. No. So I really, I feel like you have this ability to do that. And I think that one of your by far, your strengths is you truly are so secure with yourself and

and incredibly confident and Enough to even talk about your in the insecurities. We've talked to we've had episodes right we did a whole episode on our insecurities So we're all very comfortable with admitting that we put it out there. I'm insecure about my security But I think I also think I also think we're going through a transition in this company right now. Yeah, here it comes. And because we're also comfortable with ourselves, I even found myself doing that, not realizing like,

hey, you know, it's unfortunate, but we are in a very superficial world and even more so a very superficial business that people on the outside are gonna you know our website is seeing you know X amount of impressions every single month so tens of thousands hundred thousands of people coming through a facelift process. Well and I know and I know and I know that people are gonna come on my on there and they're gonna see us so they're gonna see how we present ourselves on everything from the way we dress the way we talk, the way we act, and things like that.

These are things that you actually have to start to think about when you get on this larger scale. It was all fun and games when we started this and said, hey, we're going to do it because we love doing it. We want to help some people out. But when it's turned into a legitimate real business, these are the conversations that you have to have with yourself on, okay, this person could potentially have just been scouring the internet, randomly found us. What is the first impression on it yet? Now, the normal me, zero fucks, which was our very first t-shirt that we ever released, was like this, that was our man-towety, zero fucks, and I believe that we've stayed true to that all the way through. But then at one point, does your business

mind start to challenge yourself and go like, well, fuck, how do I fit in between the two of those? Like how do I own up and know that that's important? But then I also know that it's not important to me. You know what's interesting about that? That whole process, there's a few things. One, I think optimizing your business through the internet, you gotta look at, you gotta talk to the experts. And I'm definitely, I don't think the three of through the internet, you gotta look at the, you gotta talk to the experts.

And I'm definitely, I don't think the three of us are not, we're not experts in this, which is why now lately we're asking people who we think we're consulting. We're consulting a lot, like, okay, what should this look like? How should this be presented? That's very, very important. Now on a personal level. Now mind you though, I know that what was really hard for us and why we waited so

long for this was because we're also very passionate about it portraying who we really are. That's the thing. So here's what's interesting to me. It's the internet business is, there's some tested tried and true methods, which is what we're consulting people with. And then there's like a lot of it that's like emerging and new and there seems to be this trend that where people want just real, like as real as possible.

And it's kind of recent, like I'm even noticing on fitness pages, people are refreshing. Dude, people are posting pictures of themselves like relaxed or no makeup or, and they're using that now to build their business because there's like this. Offer, we talked a lot about this with Tom Billi, right?

I mean, it's that whole realism thing. And so, as soon as something becomes a thing, then it loses its authenticity. And so you can see this, there's pages that I'll follow on Instagram where the fitness model, dude or girl, is super, super fake all the time. And then all of a sudden they're like,

here's my stomach relaxed. I'm a normal person too. But a split image, I'm like, oh, no, I'm not inflexing. Yeah, and it's just to make sure. I mean, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know what to think because, I mean, I want know I don't know I don't know to think because I mean I want for me personally I want my I want professionals to consult with me to make my

personal pages Optimized for reaching as many people as possible for you know Maximizing business potential for maximizing the ability of whatever platform I'm using to communicate whatever I'm trying to communicate because that's the ultimate goal. But I also, on my personal level, for myself, I don't, I think I just, I don't know, it's almost like if you change that, you might actually fuck yourself, you know what I mean, especially if you've built. Well, a lot of people don't know this, but, you know, we've hired three different companies

and fired all three of them to do exactly this for us. And the reason why we all said, fuck it, we're not gonna hire anybody. We basically gave up on that because we cared so much more about making sure that the brand stayed true to who we were than we cared about optimizing it. And as important as that is, this is.

Well, I think whoever works with us, like now we've got Taylor, right? Taylor works with us, and I think he's actually a fan and he understands what our, you know, messages. And so, so far all the suggestions he's been making and helping us with feel super authentic. Their idea is that we wouldn't have come up with because we're not hip to this stuff,

but when you see it, you're like, oh, fuck yeah, that totally represents us. The other companies, they just weren't, they didn't understand us, you know what I mean? So like, there were some ads that we did on Facebook through that other company or whatever. And I saw them like, holy fuck, like this represents the shit that we hate

in the fitness industry, you know what I mean? This isn't who we are. So I guess it's probably one of the difficult things all Brian will think. Yeah, it's a fine line So, I guess it's probably one of the difficult things. It's a fine line. Yeah, it's a fine line because, I mean, you make an example for like a Steve Jobs character where it's like, he's got shitty fashion sense. You know what I mean? He's got his turtleneck and jeans and like, he just influenced everybody.

But it became his thing and people like mimicked it. Did you just compare us to Steve Jobs? I had to go straight to the top I love this is what I love. No, I didn't I'm saying that like you know if sound you know he if he wants to keep Going with the soccer indoor thing And you know they're ready to pick up it at three o'clock. It works You know, I mean there's gonna gonna be a huge following that like this,

it's gonna be a fat. I love that now. This is a question of what I have for Taylor. You know what I'm saying? This is a question that I have for Taylor is that, because I somewhat agree with you guys, I can see that side of it. And then I also see the other side of it.

So I feel torn on, you know, how you do that. Well, you're the high fashion guy. I mean, don't deny it. Like you're that guy. Well, yeah, but I've always been that. I how you do that. Well, you're the high fashion guy. I mean, don't deny it. Like, you're that guy. Well, yeah, but I've always been that. I've always been that. That's why it works. And that's why your progression of it

makes a lot of sense. I'm somewhere in the middle between you guys. So, I think that's, it's like just like everything. We always have like two poles and then one sort of in the middle. Well, this also reminds me, listen, this reminds me a lot of the conversations that I would have with my clients, right?

And you have to ask yourself too that, like, you've gone through parts of your life, right? Where you did things like taking care of yourself, whether it be grooming, you know, or how you put your outfit together. And then I remember going through this and it was probably between like, I don't know, 27 to 30 range, where so before that, I've always been into like, you know, shoes and things like that, like, and I care about fashion, whatever. But then I went through this phase where I didn't. And I think that was a lot of that was me realizing that a lot of that was driven from insecurities to make myself feel better.

And then I went to, like, don't give a fuck, right? But then I went through that for a long enough, and I remember hitting me again in my early 30s, and I remember going, wow, even though I know that I'm not attaching myself to these materialistic things, there are certain things that I appreciate about them. And I do notice, and I even notice the way it makes me feel when I feel good about myself. And I think anybody who's ever put themselves in a tuxedo, you know, and you just feel good right after that.

I think the pendulum swung for you, like on one end it was over here motivated by insecurity. Then you rejected it because you like fuck that. Which is common right? That's where I'm getting with that. Yeah, and now it probably reflects you more. Like this is more true. Yes, who you are, right? You know, it's funny because it's a weird market now. Like, you know what's interesting?

We're lucky in some senses. In some senses we're unlucky because we grew up in a generation that didn't have tech like we have now now so it's kind of foreign to us But we also got to see this crazy transition and we're young enough To see and be aware of the transition like like the generation before us. It's so fucking unaware of it So we're a little more aware of it, but I'll give you guys a good example like when we were kids if you were smart If you were yeah, it wasn were smart, if you were, it wasn't cool.

You were punked, you were bullied, you were fucking no chicks wanted to date you. Like it was a bad thing. Now, if you're smart, if you're the kid that's on the computer, making cool programs and doing shit. This wasn't that long ago, that was only about 10 years ago,

we went to that nerd transition, we're being a nerd was cool, then everybody was wearing the glasses to look like a nerd Even though you're gonna wear glasses nerds nerds with a whole nerds rule the fucking word Elon Musk Have you seen Elon Musk like forget what he's done? If you just don't even think about what the fuckers done like the guys brilliant is shit Probably one of the most desired men on the planet. It's true. You talk to any woman to be like oh my god Elon Musk you so the guys of Elon Musk, he's a classic nerd,

but because the times have changed, nerds rule the world, he's kind of his own self. He didn't really care what he says. He just says what he says. He's eccentric to a certain degree. And now that's this attractive thing, and you're starting to see it a little bit on social media.

You're starting to see the weird people who are kind of authentic. They get the, they get the past. Now fitness takes a little longer, I think. It's always behind on some of these friends, but you're starting to see it with fitness too. We're trying to create a whole new genre, right? The nerds that left that actually have muscle on their body.

I don't even, you know, it's funny. I don't even think it's so much nerd because I'm probably the most nerdy, right? I think it's just the... Well, it's just... It's an easy contest. It's, I think it's just the, like, just be real. I don't know, be kind of who you are.

That's what I think. If I go back to when I first met you guys, I think that, you know, how authentic you were. And then I'm always attracted to people, you know, male or female that have this self-awareness, self-awareness about them. It's just a, it's a very unique quality to find in people, period, and then in your, like, genre or your field. I mean, that's even crazier. So you guys, you guys are that rare. And because I, and I know, I think Tony Robbins, I think talks a lot about this about finding, I believe it's him.

Somebody, I'm sure somebody will fucking inbox me and tell me I'm wrong. It was, it was for sure. Like your, he's, your goal in life is to find this platform that it will just continue to elevate you. And that seems like obvious, right? When you say that, but when you really think about, like where a lot of people find themselves,

they find themselves in this nine to five with the same 10 to 15 people they see every day, they're all about the same intelligence level, they're all about the same growth minded, they talk about the same things to 15 people they see every day. They're all about the same intelligence level. They're all about the same growth minded. They talk about the same things every day and they get stuck in this pattern. And you know, it's and there's nothing wrong with that to each their own. And if that's how that's how you want to look at. But I'm I'm I'm very much so attracted to people that are growth minded that are self aware because it pushes me to that next level. And I don't know, at each level, at each level is more awesome.

Just like, that's why, as years go by, like I don't, I don't, I don't, I'll tell you, I'll tell you, I'll tell you, I'll tell you, I'll tell you, I'll tell you, I'll tell you, I'll tell you, I'll tell you, I'll tell you, I'll tell you, I'll tell you, I'll tell you, I'll tell you, I'll tell you, I'll tell you,

I'll tell you, I'll tell you, I'll tell you, I'll tell you, I'll tell you, I'll tell you, I'll tell you, I'll tell you, I'll tell you, I'll tell you, I'll tell you, I'll tell you, I'll tell you, I'll tell you, I'll tell you, I'll tell you, I'll tell you, I'll tell you, I'll tell you, I'll tell you, I'll tell you, I'll tell you, I'll tell you, I'll tell you, I'll tell you, I'll tell you, I'll tell you, I'll tell you, I'll tell you, I'll tell you,

I'll tell you, I'll tell you, I'll tell you, I'll tell you, I'll tell you, I'll tell you, I'll tell you, I'll tell you, I'll tell you, I'll tell you, I'll tell you, I'll tell you, I'll tell you, I'll tell you, I'll tell you, I'll tell you, I'll tell you, I'll tell you, I'll tell you, I'll tell you, I'll tell you, I'll tell you, I'll tell out right where my body image issues coming through that and out of that and I mean it's a constant journey because I think finding your true self never ends because your true self changes and the more layers you uncover the more layers you end up finding and it's just this it becomes addicting I'll be honest with you it becomes this awesome thing but it's sucked it's hard too at the same time every time you shed a layer it's it's usually shed through being uncomfortable and being in some pain. It doesn't happen when you're super comfortable and feeling awesome. Always happens when you're feeling

shit. Or you rediscover parts of yourself that you've squelched in your process to become more knowledgeable or successful in your endeavors. There's a whole creative side that you had that you're just like, holy shit, that's where that was. Dude, I'll tell you, I, you know, coming from being insecure about my body for years, for years, it was so bad, and the thing is you're not unaware of it when you're in it, but it was so bad, it literally drove me to create this identity

that became who I was, which was about as far away from my true self as I could get, because it's totally not me. None of that was me. But that's who I became because of this painful insecurity. Coming out of that, coming through that, really becoming who I was, it was very painful, but it was also very awesome, because it's the closer you get to who you truly are,

the more comfortable you get with everybody else, we're just with life. And you know, it's funny, going through painful situations like my divorce, boy did that test me. Like I was never really insecure about the car I drove until I got divorced. All of a sudden, I was single for a little while and I was like, oh fuck, I need to get a cool car, right?

Because, and then I thought to myself, like, you know, would I really want to date someone who was attracted to me because of my car? No, actually the kind of people I'm attracted to, don't give a shit about that kind of stuff. It is fine if you are, I'm not talking shit. Just me personally, if I'm talking to a girl and she's like, ooh, that's a nice, it's a cool car,

really like that, or that's a turnoff for me, so I'm like, wait a minute, why would I even want to attract that? So that was a challenge for a second. Having children, holy shit, that was a huge period of growth, and continues to be a huge period of growth, to the point where the things that I find challenging with my children, or my own projections of what I used to find challenging as a kid

Which is it's insane like when I see my kid Volunteer to sign up for these group sports and want to play on these teams. I get nervous Why do I get nervous because I didn't want to do that shit when I was a kid? He fucking oblivious. There's nothing nervous about it for him at all. He's having a great time Fuck his volleyball team is winning games. But for me, I feel this old feeling. It's an old feeling that I had when I was a kid. That's gonna be a trip.

It's a fucking trip. Because realizing that makes me realize, I'm gonna find yourself having to catch yourself because you want to say something to him. Totally. And then you realize it's an insecurity from me. I want to, how many dads actually father their kid that way? All of them.

I want all of them. They identify themselves through their kids. I want to like preemptively talk to my kid about shit that I think is going to bother him. And then I realize like, you might create that person by saying, you have a problem. Dude, Jessica pointed that out.

I was like, why are you going to have that talk with your son? Like, it might not even be an issue for him. And I'm like, holy fuck. I'm like, why are you gonna have that talk with your son? Like, it might not even be an issue for him. And I'm like, holy fuck. I'm like, I'm experiencing it first. Yeah, I'm preemptively trying to predict, project, what's gonna happen, because that's what happened with me. When in reality, that's not a fucking issue. It's really fucking, it's really crazy.

It's eye opening. It does definitely make you reflect on what kind of insecurities and things you dealt with growing up. You know, like, as you watch your kids kind of like, have you guys made a mistake? Have you made a mistake that you, that you can remember like that like recently where you,

you told, you told them something and you went, ah, fuck, that was totally. I could write a list of mistakes. I know it. On a regular basis from that kind of stuff. I mean, I'll bring up teamwork and it's good to be a part of a team.

I can overdo it. Yeah, I mean. And I'm like, what the fuck am I saying? This is not even something I need to be talking about. There's obviously no issue here. There's no issue whatsoever. Why am I bringing this up? And it's because I'm trying to preemptively, you know, squash this insecurity that I had that I have with the whole situation. You know, I'm saying. Yeah, it's so it's so how many parents fucking struggle with that, dude?

Dude, so they have to mom's and dad's already hard. It's already hard enough to Reflect on yourself and your own insecurities Then when you get to see it through your kid and you start, you don't even realize, in your head, you probably don't think you're projecting it on him unless you have incredible awareness. Bro, you already have to have really good awareness about yourself before you realize

that you're projecting it on your child. It's, I tried having this conversation with my ex the other day because she is all about, like, oh, I get to take my daughter to this princess movie because it's princesses and she'll love it. And my daughter could give a fuck about princesses. She really could. She likes unicorns and she likes jumping

and she likes making funny faces and fart noises. Like that's awesome. My daughter is a comedian. She's got this ability, she's got this total, like doesn't care if she makes funny faces. Like she's not like, oh my God, I'm gonna look funny. Like you'll see a lot of little girls do. Like my daughter will get up and make a joke and laugh.

And it's great, I love it. But you know, she's trying to project onto her. This like, oh no, princesses and dresses and stuff. And it's like, but that's not her. She doesn't care about that kind of stuff. Well, I mean, I kind of vocalized my struggle with the whole sports thing. And that was a big identity for me growing up.

Like, I identified being on a team and being the best on the team. And that was always something I strived to be. So to watch and try to introduce certain sports and to get them rallied around these sports and to get that kind of experience, I was pressing and I was pressing it so hard to happen and really forced it early.

You know, and my wife had to kind of check me sometimes and be like, look, you know, and like, my wife had to kind of check me sometimes and be like, look, you know, he's only like five, you know, I was like, Oh, shit. You're right. You know, like, when did you start playing? And I was just like, Oh, maybe I was like seven, you know, maybe it was nine. Like, and I just started to realize, I'm like, Oh, my God, I wanted this so bad. I was like, hammering this like in his throat early, you know, and like he's probably not even ready for it, you know? He wants to run around and shoot like Nerf guns and just, you know, play and build stuff

and that's what he's into, you know, and so it's like, I don't know, there's definitely my own, I could see my own intent there where I was like trying to recreate like a childhood experience that I definitely went to. Oh, I could, you know how I know that, it has to be so apparent because I don't even have a kid, and I think like, if I had a boy though,

like he would be this, I would already be teaching him, I teach him this, that he would be captain. Yeah, I mean, I'm gonna get him in this school. I'm gonna do this. Imagine this, imagine Adam if you had a kid, let's say you had a son, and he was introverted, didn't really care about leading any teams, he just likes to read, do his own thing,

just kind of be quiet and whatever, how would that feel for you, right? Because I know what you value in yourself. And, you know, if your kid displays different characteristics, it's like, you have to, that's the thing. Like you have to part of raising your kids. Actually, a big part of raising your kids is actually dealing with your own shit.

That's probably most of it. To be honest with you, most of it is dealing with your own shit. Oh, and that reacting, right? Dude, it's let them be their own person. And in order for you to have the ability to do that, you have to be comfortable with you and who you are as a person. Otherwise, without you realizing it,

you'll try to force upon your child things that you think are, and again, of course you want your kid to be a good kid. That's different, but there's characteristics that you may value or you may fear. When you say it like that, it almost sounds like you have a different perspective, almost like you come from a coaching perspective

instead of like this authoritarian or apparent, right? Like you are more like trying to coach them through life, you know, more and guide them versus I'm trying to tell you or parent you, I think that's the kind of the mentality. Authoritative, you know, authoritarian type parenting has major, has major flaws. Now I was raised that way. Yeah, me too.

I was raised that way. Obviously my family's, what you know the argument always is, oh well, you look how great you turned out You know so that's well, you know why just like we talk about fitness and nutrition. There's these big rocks The big things that are important. I got I got lots of love. I had my parents were my family was very loving very supportive

You know in their own ways, but they were always supportive Like I knew I could if I did something that my parents very supportive, you know, in their own ways, but they were always supportive. Like I knew, I could, if I did something that my parents, you know, didn't like, but as long as I wasn't hurting anybody, they would definitely turn around and support me, you know what I mean? I wasn't afraid of that. Very, very loving family, always very close, you know, lots of physical affection, so there was never that weirdness,

especially with my dad. He was okay with hugging and kissing us. That, the important stuff was there, so don't get me wrong. That's, you get that stuff, then the other stuff is, could definitely influence a few things, but once you get that stuff, you're good.

Like, again, you could flip the reverse and do all the great coaching in the world, but if you don't love your kids and hug them and kiss them and show them that, they're gonna have problems. Yeah, I think, just thinking about it, the main goal as you become a parent, and I might just be speaking for myself,

is to try and improve upon your experience, right? Getting raised, and I know that my parents tried to improve upon their experience of how they're raised. And it seems like this, almost a duty to then absorb that like the knowledge and the, what you've learned from that process. And then now kind of understand a little bit deeper, like, okay, that's really how that affected me

when my dad cornered me and told me to do this, this specific way, or like used fear for this, whereas I probably will try not to use that tactic. But there was a lot of great, just like Celst mentioned, there's the main sort of guiding structure that creates the foundation for it. So it's just really kind of like tweaking the knobs and then figuring out like your own process with your own kids and then tuning into their personalities and what's going to give them the tool set to then go and make better decisions by themselves.

I'll tell you what, I had a client that I trained for a while who I, there's a few people that I've met in my life where I see them with their kids. First of all, I've told you guys before, if I see someone with their kids and they're great with their kids, I instantly like them. I just do. If I see someone with children and they're good with them, especially if it's their own children,

it's just automatically I feel like this, this is a good person, because I feel like people who are good with their own children with other kids can't be a bad person. I'm sure that's not true, but that's just how I feel. And there's a few people I've met where I look at and I go, wow, I'm really learning from that person. Actually, Doug is one of them.

Doug is an amazing father to his daughter. And I had another client who he brought his kid in a few times to work out. And I just saw the relationship that they had when we would work out. And I was just like, man, he has a good job of talking to her that she listens, rather than because she's fearful

for getting punished or whatever. He wasn't authoritative. He talked to her like she was a human being, like she had a brain. And it was kind of mind blowing to me because again, I was raised very authoritarian. So at the time, my daughter, I don't think she was even born, my son was really, really young. And we're having a conversation, his daughter is just this beautiful little girl.

And I joked around and I'm like, oh man, you know, it's gonna be trouble when she's a teenager. She's so pretty, you know. And he made a comment like, oh yeah, you know, and per shirt should probably have a lot of sex or something like that. And I was like, you know, like, dude, is that gonna, is that gonna fucking piss you off? This guy, yeah. I'm like, he's not gonna fucking roll him over. Like you to beat those guys up, right? And he's like, why?

I'm like, what? And he's like, listen, he goes, definitely if she's comfortable with her body and herself and she's doing things for the right reason and she's not trying to get love or trying to seek attention. And he was explained to me, he's like, look, most kids who are comfortable with themselves for the right reason and she's not trying to get love or trying to seek attention. And he was explaining to me, he's like, look, most kids who are comfortable with themselves or whatever, they'll have sex right around the late teens,

usually, he goes, but if they're comfortable with himself, it's not a destructive thing. And he goes, I want my daughter to be very comfortable with who she is, her sexuality, and I want her to have really good sex. And I thought about it and my internal instinct was to be like, what the fuck? What the fuck you're talking about?

Danger, danger. I'm like, you want your daughter to have good sex? And I'm like, wait a minute, you don't want your daughter to have that serious ownership on him feel. That's another level. It is another level because you know what? That's him really owning that. He knows, he's gonna impact that right now.

How she acts 15, 16, 17, 18 years old. Even when she's a teenager, he's gonna impact that right now, how she acts, 15, 16, 17, 18 years old. Well, even when she's a teenager, he's gonna talk to her about sex, not like it's a dirty thing, but like it's a normal thing, and that she needs to be okay with knowing what she likes, and she needs to be okay with knowing what feels good, but she also needs to be secure with herself,

in the sense where she's not trying to get attention with it. She's not trying to seek approval with it. She's not trying to get someone to love her through using sex. Because those are all negative ways. Negative most common, right? Right. And a lot of those, we don't realize, a lot of those negative associations with sex, as it was mind blowing for me, come from thinking sex is a dirty, bad thing. And when he said that, like, I want my daughter to have really good sex. And when he said that, like, I want my daughter to have really good sex. And I thought to myself and I'm like, of course, like, you don't want your kid to have bad sex.

You don't want your kid to be so like, laugh this shit. What are we gonna title this, Doug? I don't know. You don't, you know, you know, we get uncomfortable with your kids. Make sure your kids have good sex. No, we get uncomfortable with that.

Actually, that would be a great title. We get uncomfortable with your kids. Yeah, we get uncomfortable with it. Actually, that would be a great title. We get uncomfortable with it, but think about it like, like you don't want your kid to have, look, this is my culture, okay. Old school Sicilian Catholic culture is, especially with girls, we teach them sex is bad.

We teach them it's dirty. It's a sin mindset. It's a sin. Do you know how fucked up, you know how fucked up you make your little kid, especially your, I'm sorry, not your little kid, but your daughter in particular. You know how fucked up you make them over that?

In fact, boys too, because in the Catholic culture, right? It's bad, it's all, you know. You end up getting this kind of distorted view of what it is and it's not healthy. So then you get these girls who grow up, maybe they did everything their parents told them and they waited till they were married to have sex

And they probably got married a little early because they wanted to have sex and they thought well this is what they married the wrong motherfucker He's a horrible husband had they have shitty sex. Yes problem orgasming orgasming She doesn't want to do certain things in sex because they're dirty So their sex life is this very weird, restrictive, unhealthy situation. Maybe he cheats on her as a result. Maybe she later on gets a divorce, becomes extra promiscuous now because she's trying

to discover, like think of all the ways you could fuck that shit up because you have, and for me this was fucking mind blowing because that's how I was raised. And my instinct, I'm not gonna be, I'm gonna be totally honest, I'm not gonna lie. Like I have a daughter. And my instinct, I'm not going to be totally honest, I'm not going to lie. Like I have a daughter. And for sure, I don't want to think about her sleeping with anybody, even if she's fucking

19, 20, 21, I don't want to think, I don't want no dudes coming. That's my instinct because that's how I was raised. But in reality, like I want her to be comfortable with herself, know what she wants, no. She's going to do it no matter what. The way you raise her, the way you raise her, okay? And the morals that you teach her, the more you communicate with her, that is going to dictate her decision

making more than anything else. And you wanted to come from that place. From a good place. To me, it was very, I was the guy, I was the boy who, I signed a purity card when I was a kid, you know? So I did that. Do you any good? No, no, it was, it's- purity card when I was a kid. So I did that. Do you any good?

No, no. It's harmful. Yeah, absolutely. And then afterwards, I went on a tear afterwards because I was so, and you don't realize that in your head. And you have this relationship with like, it's so wrong, it's so right. It's so right. I have so many people that I know that are connected to me that.

And exactly what you said, they married at such an early age, because yeah, when you're fucking 21 and you're not having sex, it's normal, it's normal to do that, so you're gonna marry the first person that you think you wanna have sex with, and that's who you end up with. And you know what, sometimes it works out, and it's amazing, and I think that's awesome

for those people that it happened, but it's definitely not the majority, and it's not even close to like, it's like literally, like less than 15%. It's not, there's not a really good chance. It becomes destructive. And what happens, what happens to boys in this culture is we end up viewing. And I know this because again, I lived in it, right? We end up viewing women as either wife material or girls you have sex with. Like there isn't, there's no both. It's the, it's what do they call it the Madonna something complex where you have, and I know this because in old culture and these old cultures, men have their wife that they have normal sex with and they, no

no no she doesn't do that. That's the mouth that kisses my children. I've heard men say this before. But then on the side, they go bang the girl. That's a freak. And that's how they have to separate it that way. They can't have that connection with their wife because in their mind, that's dirty. And then for girls who grow up in that situation, they never have, they've trouble enjoying sex

because the second they enjoy it, and they let loose shame, guilt. Like, I know women, I know people, like I said, who grow up in this situation where the women, they won't have sex doggie style. They don't like, they won, I know people, like I said, it grew up in this situation where the women, they won't have sex, doggie style, they won't do blow jobs, they won't let their husbands go down on them because that's all dirty.

So all we do is we do, like that's some twisted, let's some twisted fucked up shit, that causes, it actually creates perversions, it creates dysfunction, and that's just one category, but it was fucking mind blowing for me to hear that kind of stuff. And so definitely having cows. How old were your kids when you heard that?

I don't even think how long ago it was. Long time ago. So long time ago. Yeah, so my boy was very, very young. I don't even think my daughter was born yet and it was like, again, that was mind blowing for me because sex is one of those topics that was so taboo like growing up.

It was just, and it was weird too, getting after I got married all of a sudden, my so taboo, like growing up, it was just, and it was weird too, getting after I got married, all of a sudden my parents were like, we can talk about sex now, I'm like, no we can't, like we never talked about the, I don't wanna talk about the shit now. I can't open that door now, no, sorry. That closed the while ago.

It's funny too, because my son, you know, he's at the age now where they go through the, what is that, the sex education? Of course. Fifth or sixth grade. Yeah, and so my ex-wife was brought up in a very, very similar culture to mine. And so the sex is bad and whatever.

She could not have this conversation with him. Like you're supposed to talk with your kids because they send a paper home that you're gonna sign and then learn about this kind of stuff. Yeah. And so what you're supposed to do is you're supposed to sit down and have this conversation with your kid.

Also, she couldn't do it. I was the one that went and did it because for her it was so embarrassing. And so, and I'm thinking like, this is like a totally normal thing. Like, you need to have this conversation. So, you know, luckily I was able to do it with him. And we talked about everything.

And it's funny because you think your kid's gonna be like, ooh, but he doesn't know any better. And he's like, really? That's how it works. That's not what happens. Yeah, ew, but he doesn't know any better. And he's like, really? That's not worse. That's not what happens. Yeah, I would imagine they're actually genuinely interested probably what you would be like it, you know, because you're curious at that age

and you're not sure. And then having someone who you trust and love and look up to, you know, explain that to you is probably the best person to do it. And the ones that fight that and fight that conversation and push it away, that kid's gonna have that conversation. And if you don't, if you don't figure out how to do it. And the ones that fight that and fight that conversation and push it away, that kid's going to have that conversation. And if you don't, if you don't figure out how to do it, he or she is going to go do it with probably so when you don't want that conversation with, and giving them advice.

Or the internet. Yeah. They'll learn it from porn. Yeah. There was such a disconnect there, like with the communication process. And I think that really highlights that because I mean, culturally like growing up, it just seems like that. Nobody talked about it, you know, and it just became this thing that like everybody's like so secretive about the process of it. And so, you know, even for us, like growing up, I'm like always asking like somebody's older brother, you know, and I'm like trying to get all this information. And then you get like, oh, look at that porn or it just becomes this thing.

It's so taboo. You know, if we just had a normal conversation about it, it's a lot like how I look at alcohol as well. So if it's never in there and like, oh my god, you can never have it and only drunk losers or whatever, like instead of just having this with dinner and just being casual and chill about it. You got to ask yourself. It's a different conscience. Cause now, cause I'm,

I'm, now my, my son's getting to the age where we're gonna talk about, you know, drugs. I wanna have these conversations cause these are things he's gonna be exposed to anyway, right? He's gonna be exposed at some point, whether it's in college or even high school, where he's gonna hear about these things

or see, you know, see these things, maybe they're gonna pass in front of him, right? And I think as a parent, you're like, our biggest fear is, oh no, they're going to try drugs, right? That's our biggest fear. So I want to keep them completely away from ever doing them again. But then you got to think to yourself, like, okay, the reality is that they're going to be, at some point, you're not going to be around.

They're not going to be this sheltered you know Structure they're gonna see the drugs and they may in fact make the decision to try them and which you want to tell them never to do that again But then I also think to myself okay Let's think of all the drugs that they're gonna try and that I've never I probably won't have a problem with at some point He's gonna drink wine and I got a freak out over that? No, is wine very, can wine be very dangerous? Well, I think for caffeine, I mean, what about medications? What about just talking to your kid and being honest about things?

Like the conversation I'm gonna have with that. Yeah, but here's the thing though, and I know where you're going because I feel like, I feel like you can do this, because you, I mean, I already know, if I was you, I know exactly how I would say this to my kid, because you can break it down on a molecular level what each thing is doing to them.

And I would do that, I would communicate that. So they understand like, this is what's chemically happening to you, this is what's going on with your brain, this is what's going on with your stomach, this is what's going on with all those things. These are the risk if you do too much. You could lay that out to them, and then quite frankly, they're gonna make that decision

what they're going to and not. And yeah, but I think it's a valid strategy to start like that like caffeine and then you kind of progress and you go alcohol. It's like you're presenting it in a way where I'm educating like to my kids why I drink coffee and why this is something that I tend to do frequently. Wow, wait, where they make that connection on you guys, right?

Yeah, cause they're arguing that's gonna happen. But they do really early too. They're like, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, to be on, like don't lie to your kids, cause at some point they're gonna figure out that you're full of shit. Yeah, like, like everybody's, when we were kids, okay, let's stay on the topic of sex and drugs, right? Sex is dirty and drugs are horrible and they make you go crazy and they fry your brain. Then you discover sex feels good and drugs feel good.

Yeah, right? Right? I remember just mind blown, right? And you're kidding, you first experienced a lot of this. Why? I remember saying mind blown right? And you're kidding you first experienced. I remember thinking to myself like to me. And look at by I'm gonna be like by no means. Do I have any desire to try crack? Okay crack cocaine. I have zero desire to ever try it. I never will. There's definitely whatever. But you know when people tell me crack makes you go crazy, it's a horrible thing, whatever.

Why are so many people doing it? It's probably feels good. Like, it's okay to be honest and say to your kid, like, you know, cause here's what's gonna happen. I'm gonna tell my kid all the dangers of drugs and you know what their answer's gonna be? Or what they're gonna say? Why do people do them then?

What's my fucking answer gonna be? People with crazy. I'm gonna tell him. Yeah, that's stupid. That's stupid. I'm gonna tell him, because it feels good. Those are homeless and crazy. Yeah, it feels good when they do stupid. That's stupid. I'm gonna tell them because it feels like they're homeless and crazy. Yeah, it feels good when they do it.

That's why I think this temporary feeling of it feels great. It's okay to be honest with your kids and understand that they're gonna have to make some of these decisions. And the best thing you could do is educate them honestly so that they have the right tools to make those things happen.

So now with that in mind, it's a little bit off topic, but you know what the biggest struggle for me is to keep this sort of mystery, like for instance with like Christmas and Santa Claus and then Easter buying all that shit, you know, like I just can't, I can't like play into the drama and like present it in a way that like I believeable at all.

They're like, they don't, they already don't believe in Santa Claus is what I'm saying. And I like, I really want them to like experience like the magic and all that shit. I can't do it, dude. It's like, that's such a struggle for me. And just like, yeah, Santa Claus, he's coming and, you know. I so what I don't get into it.

So what I did with that was I, when I told my, my, my boy, actually he kind of figured it out. And then he's like like, well, why you know, yeah, why'd you guys Two fairy like fuck you dad And I told him and I said I said you you how fun was it when you thought that these are the things that were happening I said it's just a fun. Yeah, it's a very fun game for your children You it's fun because everybody has a good time with it. I pretend like it's happening, it's a lot of fun. When you get older, we explain to you what's going on and it's something that you can continue with your little sister and you get to see her get excited.

But then as kids get older, they figure it out and it's not a big deal, but it's just one of those things that we do that's a lot of fun as part of the holiday. And that's it is I try to maintain the magic. It is kind of really hard for me internally. It's kind of where we do it. I could not do it. It is kind of weird, really hard for me internally. It's kind of weird, like I could not do a thing about it. Yeah, I've never thought of that as being a parent. Like I thought it'd be easy, you know, to just like put the Santa Claus suit on

or like eat a little cookie and you know, it does, and I was just like, this is so weird. Dude, my best friend's parents, so I used to have Christmas morning with my best friend's family for a lot of my Christmases growing up and I remember his mom and dad, they used to walk in, they used to put flour on the bottom of their boots

and they walk with flour all through. So you, it's a kid, you don't even make the connection that it's not snowing. They're just saying, it's just so funny. I'm like, when you think back, you're like,

give me that it was flour. I should give you that. You know what's funny? She said, I'm like, give me that it was flour. I should've given you. You know what's funny? She's like, I feel so confused about it. You know what, it's funny. There's so many things that are accepted because they're part of our society and culture. But if you eliminate that, which is very difficult to do,

but if you're objective and you cut out, the like I was raised that way and that's just the way it is, part, and you look at, there's a lot of stuff that's bullshit. Like what? Like if you think about it, I hate to say this because this is actually hitting me right now. Why don't we just tell our kids,

hey, tonight when you go to bed, I'm gonna put a surprise present out for you and then when you wake up you're gonna see it. That's fucking cool too. Why is this really what happens? Why do we gotta make up some shit? And this whole elf is a sheriff thing dude. What the fuck? Elphan the sheriff. What is that? You don't know what that is. I gotta make up some shit and this whole elf and the show thing dude? When what the fuck?

Elf on the shelf. What is that make you know make believe like what is that? I'm very much of this so and they totally bought into it How long how many days is it for 30 or something? Shit's like the beginning of December I feel so left out right now So the beginning of some shit like Elf on the shelf last five maybe six years. It's become a thing. Who started it where it comes from? It's not lady dude. It didn't happen when we were kids,

but some brilliant fucking person. Like we're pissed we didn't come up with this. And sold a bunch of these elf things, what I think. And it's like this little toy elf that you put throughout the house. And it's a different day every day of the month leading up to Christmas. And the elf is watching you.

It's what it is watching you. He's watching you. But then you he's watching. He's watching you. But then you do funny. Which is brilliant because then it's like, you know, they feel like this extra conscience to be good. You know, so you kind of leverage that a little bit. Yeah. You're just like,

this sounds like my son's didn't think about that. You just take to another level right there, bro. Yeah, his elf's name's Pocchio and so, Oh, do you Pocchio, you know, he's watching. You're not gonna eat that broccoli. What do you, you see, didn't think about it. What happens when they're like, oh, nothing's watching me?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Think about that. You know what I mean? That's some fucked up shit, but you, I guess you put it up every, I didn't do it on my kids. I fucking, that's, I rebelled. I'm like, this is, I'm finished, finish how this works.

I'm finished, you did it for you. You did it for you. So you put these, so I'm in deep. So you, every day you put it in a different spot and you make it, and it's, in the elf is mischievous and he gets into things. So like, you put it in a different spot and you make it, and it's in the Elf is mischievous and he gets into things. So like, you know, and he frees it.

I had him fighting like Star Wars characters and all kinds of things. Yeah, so you do all these things like, oh, he got into the sugar or he got into the candy or he's trying to open the presents or he took a poop and, you know, in the candle over here. Yeah, and you do all these different things every day and the kids wake up and then they look for the Elf

and when they see the Elf and they see what he's got into. So it's this whole thing that leads up in the brain. Yeah, you kind of create this whole storyline leading up to it. So brilliant. It totally is brilliant. I didn't even know this existed. Yeah, in the best one.

OK, so one of my best ones. So I have one of those Wi-Fi speakers. And so I had him sitting on top of the speaker, and I had this note saying something like, I'll play music if I want your attention, or you're doing something I don't like. Oh, I know what you're doing. Yeah, so I had it on my phone.

I have the app, right? So he'd just be doing something. He'd be wrestling to your heart, punching his brother or something, and I turn the app right so he'd just be doing something he'd be like wrestling too hard punching his brother or something Then I turn you know the music the Christmas music on and it's like oh He's like he stops like mid whatever he's doing. He's like oh no, and then he just is totally good You Little fucker. He was amazing. I was like I want to do this every day. Dude. Let's break this down for a sec Let's break this down So because I. Yeah, let's break this down

So because I would do that shit when my kids too. I didn't use alpha and a shelf But I had this phone number I could call my cell phone where Santa Claus is fucking boys mail pops up I'm gonna leave. I'm gonna tell him what you're doing. Oh be good. Yeah, exactly think about it this way like a Your kid is behaving better for a static fake for a super stupid. Yeah, what the hell, man? Then they are for you. And somebody else they behave. And awesome. And the reason why they're behaving better

is not because what they're doing is good. Because they're gonna get something. Yes, they want the toy. Yeah, manipulating. Do you really want to raise, think about this now. This is fucking blowing me away. I love having a, like, I love having these big, you know, breakthroughs on air.

Yeah. Think about it. Do you want your kid to do the right thing because they're afraid of getting punished or because they want to pick it? Or do you want something for it? Or do you want them to do the right thing because they understand?

Yeah, because it's who they are. Does it count? Does it actually count if they do it because of fear? I don't think so. You know what I'm saying? It doesn't count. It doesn't, it doesn't mean anything about their character. What do you send them up? And it's rolling the't mean anything about their character. What do you say in the muffin?

And it's rolling the dice on which way their character's gonna go because of it. Very true. Which it's not saying that it couldn't go good because you could have done it in such a fun manner and taught them so well that they teach it to their kids with good intentions. And he turns into this great thing,

but then it can also turn into a major insecurity or complex. I actually think the reason why people grow up to be good people is It is because of the knowing they're doing good things because they're good in spite of all the bullshit that we do I don't think anybody is became a good person because Santa Claus, Elf and the shelf or That's it. I think that doesn't last. That's why it's magic. No, I think if anything, that's just, they did it in spite of those types of things. And what happens is, it's just like diet. Like, it's like eating a certain way

because I don't wanna get fat, not because I love my body and I love myself. Right. At some point you go off the wagon, how many people do we know went to college who were raised super fucking strict and went to college or away from their parents and just went went ape shit.

Uh huh. Went. Freshman 15! Ape shit with everything. Sex, alcohol drugs, fucking food. Like like savage beasts. And a lot of people don't recover from that. There's a lot of people that I know

who ended up addicts or alcoholics or you know, just horrible because- I just riddled with STDs. Just horrible, yeah. Probably the most cholesterol of riddles. Just horrible rashes. Yeah, what a, I'm envisioning riddled with STDs,

also, I was just like, fuck, what did I get? Riddle me this! You know what? I never saw this. What is that bright spot on my neck? They didn't talk about this in fifth grade. Oh, you imagine you get your bliss from the doctor. Yeah.

And you're like, oh, fuck, I have, it was like shankers. Everything shankers a thing. What's that? I don't know. I'm trying to remember all this. I'm obscure like diseases. I remember going to sex head shankers.

Yeah, I was like this one is like, you had to have that skin, put your skin was gone, you know, like on your shaft. Oh my god. I just remember it burned in my head. And I was like, oh my you know, like on your shaft. Oh my God. I just remember it burned in my head and I was like, oh my God, I don't want that. You accidentally gave yourself shaker

by jerking off to my- Yeah, or the war that. Oh, all those war. Oh God, those pictures. Oh, I was just thinking horrible. When did the, does the dare program still going on? Is that still existing?

I think so. I thought I saw some more like mothers against drunk driving. That's kind of like the move. Mad. Yeah, mad. They've gotten from dared to mad. A dare to be mad.

I thought I saw them still going. I think they still are. That's what I think is, that's the, you know, when I go back to a memory, I can remember a police officer coming in to our classroom. I had to been fucked. This has to be third, fourth or fifth. That's the fifth of the latest, but I think it was more third or fourth coming in and remember the the briefcases they had that unfolded and there was like drugs and Yeah, picture of every drug and then they had a video to go with it like what he's even thought of that

There's a little that do LSD jump off train People that do LSD jump off train. You're gonna say, here's your brain on drugs and then they drop like eggs onto a fry. LSD makes you jump off. That's what your brain does. Whoa. You know my mom told me that when I was a kid. She was, she's like, I was, I asked her like,

what's, mom, what's LSD? And she's like, oh, it's just, it makes you go crazy. She's like, people would do this drug and then they'll be scared in the corner because they feel like they think they're this drug and then they'll be scared in the corner because they feel like they think they're an orange and they never come back. She's like, make, she's like, tell me these stories and I would think as a kid, I'm like, why the fuck would anybody do this?

But then you watch a Disney movie and you're like, what's going on here? Why all of a sudden are they having these awesome dreams and they're all like, bright colors? Seriously, think about all the phobias and fears you have as an adult because of the bullshit that you were told when you were a kid. 100%. You know what I'm saying? I was just talking to, I can't remember a name right now.

Anyways, author of this great book and she's a psychologist, right? And she's going into all these different things and she was talking about like that five to seven years, the five to seven year range right there, like so much of your adult personality and character is stemmed from that. One way or another, it could be a positive way, it could be a negative way, it could be a neutral move, but like it comes from those. And it's whatever, and I've trained myself to like anytime I find like a shift in my emotion. So like if I, and that's for good too.

So if all of a sudden I get way over the topic, excited or I get depressed or I get frustrated or I get angry like immediately like I backtrack that feeling and I go like, okay, that's how I currently feel right now because of what's in front of me and what's affecting me, but what actually even lets that bother me. Where does that, and then I just keep going back

as far as I possibly can, I go holy shit, like really? That's why I identify with that, and then like, it's so tough to do that, but I always challenge people like anytime you feel, and I think that we tend to like focus on the bad stuff but even the good stuff. Like there's things that you know I get really really excited about or that makes me really really happy and then I ask myself like what drives that? Is it so that I love that. I love doing that. I do that for myself as well. It's fucking hard because number one you have to remember's fucking hard because number one,

you have to remember to do it, but number two, you would be surprised, you would be shocked at just how little you know about yourself consciously. Like, because I do that to myself all the time and I'm constantly, like I go deeper, deeper, deeper, and I think to myself like, well, there's nothing, there's nothing behind that, or it's just because that person's an asshole and I keep going deeper, and I think to myself like, well, there's nothing. There's nothing behind that. Or it's just because that person's an asshole and I keep going deeper and sometimes I don't

get it for a long time. And then it hits me and then I look back and I go, oh, shit. Like, that's why I was responding that way. That's why I felt that way. I had a conversation with one of my online clients the other day, in fact, where we're just getting into the emotional component with food and she's somebody that tells me like she's got a problem with binge eating. And so I'm waiting for those opportunities

where we can talk about it because that's a tough subject to talk about. Yeah. And I asked her, I said, okay, how are you feeling right now and she's got metabolic damage. So we had to start her off on low calories and all that. So it's just gonna be this uphill battle. And I'm like, okay, how are you feeling right now? And she's got metabolic damage. So we had to start her off on low calories and all that. So it's just gonna be this uphill battle. And I'm like, okay, well, you know,

how are you feeling so far with these nutrition guidelines I've given you? Because initially what I'll do is I'll have people actually track and hit targets. So I can slowly bring them to the intuitive eating aspect of nutrition. And she's like, well, I'm good, but I get angry because I want to eat, you know,

no, that's not what she said. She says, I'm hungry. She says, I'm good, but I get angry because I want to eat, you know, no, that's not what she said. She says, I'm hungry. She says, I'm really hungry right now. And I said, okay, what are you craving? And I'm real careful with the words that I use because crave is a very different, you know, it's very, very specific versus, you know, you're just hungry, like generally hungry. Yeah. So I said, well, what are you craving?

And of course, she's craving the foods. She thinks she can't have. This is very important. So I said, what are you craving? And she's like, well, sugar, and it's what in particular, oh, cookies, I'm really craving cookies right now. And I said, okay, why is that making you angry? Like, why are you angry that you want cookies? Yeah.

Good thing about it. There's a lot of things I want, but it doesn't piss me off. Yeah, yeah. Why are you mad that you're cookies. Yeah. Good thing about it. There's a lot of things I want, but it doesn't piss me off. Yeah, yeah. Why are you mad that you're not eating cookies? And she said, well, because I want them, but I can't have them. I said, okay. I said, I want you to read that, what you just sent me.

I want you to read that to yourself and let me know what you get out of it. And she's like, well, I don't, I mean, I don't get anything out of it. And I said, okay, keep reading it, keep thinking about it. And it didn't come to her. And I said, okay. I said, let me, let me help you. I said, can you have the cookies if you really want them? And she's like, yeah, I said, so it's not that you can't have them. It's that you choose not to have them. And she's like, oh, shit. Okay. I said,

it would piss me off. If I wanted something in somebody said, you can't have it. And they prevented me. Like, if I wanted freedom, and someone threw me an cage, I said it would piss me off if I wanted something in somebody said you can't have it and they prevented me Like if I wanted freedom and someone threw me in cage I'd be fucking pissed But if I go in a jail cell and I and it doors open and I'm just like I just want to chill here for a while I like it in here. I'm not gonna be pissed off It's a big difference both in the same jail cell the difference is I know I'm choosing to be in there Versus I'm forced to be in there and I said forced to be in there. And I said, you're not being forced. Nobody's forcing you to do anything. I said, you're choosing to not eat those cookies.

And I want you to say that to yourself. Now, that doesn't mean you're not going to eat the cookies. At some point, you might. You're probably going to go and have them. But know that it's okay and that you're choosing. You don't judge yourself. Because the second you think you can't, that's what's making you pissed off.

That's where the, that's the origins of this feeling of anger and frustration. And that anger and frustration is only gonna drive you. It's the dark side. It's the dark side. It makes you into a Sith. But I mean, that's just one of those things. Like, you know, like you said, Adam,

when you're gavving these feelings, I can ask yourself, why am I so triggered or affected by this particular situation? You know, like, you know what used to piss me off a lot was, and I know people get mad at this. When you're watching TV and a fucking video, the commercial pops up with the singing and it's the fucking dogs and they're starving. Or the fucking starving kids and, you know, and it's like you change.

You get angry, like fucking stupid commercial, pisses me off, and oh shit, reality now. And I ask myself, like why is this making me angry? I know why, because I feel guilty that I'm not doing anything to help these animals. So then I ask myself, they're poking right at that. Right, and they know that it's, and you also get mad at the person marketing it that way.

You know, like they're they're they're cornering you and and making it so like they they want to make you feel like shit. Right. That's the whole message. But nobody not like it's not presenting it. Like there's a real need. But nobody can make you feel like anything. Yeah. I'm choosing to feel like shit because I'm guilty. Yeah, you're choosing. Because I feel guilty that I'm not helping. Well, because they know. Yeah. So what I started to do was you're I'm guilty. Yeah, you're choosing. Because I feel guilty that I'm not helping. Oh, because I know. So what I started to do was, if you're a good person, you'll feel something.

Well, what I started, and that's, see that's, think about that. Think about that. If I'm being honest with myself, I chuckle. There's a part of me that actually chuckles, and I chuckle because what goes through my head when I see that go like, oh, here it comes. Yeah, yeah, I go, I go, oh, that's dirty.

Yeah. But think about what gets me, I see you, I see you, you know, that's how I see it. But Justin, think about this. You just said, something interesting, you said, if you're a good person, you'll feel shitty, but no, that's not true. Oh, I know.

You're a good person. You know what I mean? Well, what it is is, because this is what I started doing, I either A, make the decision to help, or B, make the decision not to help, but understand it's my decision, right? And I know a lot of you're bad. You gotta like but understand it's my decisions, right? And I know long it'll be a bad. You gotta let go of it.

You own it, yeah, I know. I've gotten to that place too, and I see the same thing with like, you know, when you're parked at a stoplight and then you see somebody walking and they're doing their hustle where they're, you know, we just experienced that, right? Like recently. Oh yeah, the guy with the,

yeah, and normally I'm the guy that's like, oh my God, whatever I have, sure, here you go. And I'm like just begrudgingly giving it to them, knowing that maybe they'll do something good with it. Most likely they're not gonna do something good with it. And for the most part, when I give, I wanna give when it's my idea. And this is my time, this is my idea.

I see a need, I wanna put this in this direction, you know, and then there's other times where I just wanna like get out, like I wanna check myself on that and just be like why? Why does it have to be a near time? Why are you so selfish about, you know, you wanting to have to control this whole process when somebody's right in front of you

that obviously has a real need, and why am I judging them? And don't judge yourself, dude. Yeah, like it's like, this is a hard thing to say. This is a hard thing to say. I've actually had to say this to myself. This is very fucking difficult, because nobody wants to admit this. But I've actually found myself getting angry

with the poor guy on the street, and I'm pissed off, and I'm like, why am I pissed off? And oh, I know why he's making me feel bad. Hold on, he can't make me feel anything. Why do I feel bad? I feel guilty. So now what I say to my, so I've said this to myself a couple times and it's fucking hard. I'll literally say to myself, I don't care enough about that person to give them money.

And it's true. You don't. And that's okay. There's nothing fucking wrong with that. You're human, everybody's human. You can't give to every single person you see. You do have more shit than you need, which is fine. We all do.

We're all human. It's just a human condition. But it's okay. But admitting that to yourself and saying it, you'll see that your actions become more reflection of your true self. I find myself giving a little bit more sometimes and sometimes not, but I say to myself, I just don't care about that person enough. Well, you can see all that that that we use right into your relationships.

You have your friends, your family, yourself. You can take that one step further to you can take that one step further and go like if if if it's if that made you feel compelled all of a sudden that are nowhere to give a dollar bill to that guy because he got to sign up in front of you that's making you feel guilty. Well, I could probably do a lot more for somebody. So if I have this if I feel this burden that I'm not doing enough for I'm not helping others, and I needed a sign in front of me from a guy on the street that's saying that, well then just handing that $1 is almost selfish because it's like a way of me saying that, you know, I don't really, I don't really want to address helping

something because I don't even know who this guy is. I don't know where that $1 bill is, but yet I feel compelled to give. And like you said, I have no connection to this motherfucker, so if I feel compelled to give, then really what I should do is I should sink, I should fucking now use that. I should now go, yeah, do something. Do something on that and do something with that. Do something that really is gonna help out.

Do something that's gonna help out more than one, then two, I can go do something that I know that can go online and run these 30 people, giving them, and potentially not even use it through money, I give like knowledge to somebody or help or like shelter So I had this conversation and always have to be I had this conversation with my girlfriend the other day She's so and some on certain subjects like her awareness levels like on another level and this is one of them and I

I can't I cannot tell you how many times will go go eat food, we'll leave, we'll have leftovers, and if she sees a homeless person, she's in the... She'll go give them them? My wife doesn't say anything. And she'll give them every time, right? And I'm always like, Oh, what do you do?

And at one point, and she would give them money, like she'll just give them $10. Like, she'll give them like big bills. She'll not give them like a dollar. She'll give them $10, $20, $50, and I remember, and she's not like a rach or anything like that. And I tell her, I said, I see, you know, that motherfucker's just gonna go buy alcohol

with it, and she's like, so she's like, he wants to fucking feel better. Like, I like, he, he, he's making himself like, I'm not going to judge what is he going to do with it. Right. It's just, it's my money to give to him. And he wants to feel, and that was her thing. And it's, it's, there's nothing, there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. But the other thing is, if you really want to help, this is sounds crazy and it sounds selfish, but it's not, it's fucking true. If you really look deep into it and you're objective, you'll realize that if you want to help

as many people in the world as possible, just be your true self and help yourself as much as possible. If you do that and you become your true self and you help yourself as much as possible in a true sense, not based on securities, fears, not based on greed, fears, not based on gree, just narcissism, just true self, you'll find the world will be a fucking amazing peaceful place and people help

themselves, help themselves and help others. Well, because there's another part of it, right, is to how are they, how are you going to lift them up? Are you just feeling like an enabler? You know what I mean? Right, yeah, so there's, I mean, that's a, that's a real thing. I just enabling them to get reward them for being in a hole versus trying to pull them out. That's what I'm saying. That's how I feel.

If you feel compelled to do something like that, I feel like, you know what? Like me handing that guy $5. Actually, if I really want to help this motherfucker, I'll pull my car over. I should give him a contact. I should sit down and talk to him and find out who he is and what I can truly do to help them.

I've never felt compelled to do that. It'll, it'll, it's, so I was, it's, I was, I years ago, I was with a friend of mine and he did that. He actually, and I was annoyed. Like, why are you talking to this crazy person? Yeah. And they had a whole conversation and I was like, it was mind blowing to me. Like now, like you know the person,

you hear their story or whatever and it's just a completely different connection to that whole thing. But like what you said Adam, like maybe that's, look, I'll tell you what, Adam, you've got the gift of motivation, you've got the gift of conversation and communication. Why not use your most valuable tool

to help people, you'll probably help people with a need. I need a lot more value. It is, and I feel like if we really, really look deep inside, when we're doing that, giving the quick dollar or $10 is almost a cop out. It's almost an easier cop out because I can spare it, but I can spare the change in my fucking thing.

No problem, I'm not gonna miss three dollars right there, they're a big deal to me. But it's really the change in my fucking thing. No problem. I'm not gonna miss three dollars right there. That ain't a big deal to me. But it's really the message I'm sending myself. You know, what I'm really doing is I'm really copying out of what's really going inside because I feel compelled to do that and I'm not digging in within.

And if I really want to truly help that person, am I really giving them any help by handing them three or five dollars or if I really, well, I'll pull over and I'll spend some time with them and probably be able to either one connect him somewhere, give him shelter, maybe just give him motivation for the day or a million other possibilities.

Or someone to listen. Yeah, exactly. Or maybe that's like, yeah. Like, anybody listens. Yeah, exactly. I remember reading, I remember one of the kids that had passed a read this story about a person who committed suicide, jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge.

And before they did, they had wrote a suicide letter. And they had to walk, I think it was like 10 miles to get to the Golden Gate Bridge. And they said that they wouldn't kill themselves if one person stopped and said hi to them. And supposedly like, you know, this came out later. It was actually a true story, came out later on. And you know, there's tons of people

that actually knew that they saw that person in the morning. So it was a busy place walking to walking to San Francisco or the to the bridge, you're bound to walk probably walked by 20 to 30 people and not one person stopped to say hi and that person ended up taking their life, right? So you think about you don't think about those little things like that. And I feel like, you know, when we get at a stoplight like that and we see things like that and we feel that, like I think the even better is to look deeper inside, like... Yeah, you can only love people as much as you allow yourself to love yourself.

That's true. That's a true thing. However much you think you love people, it's not as full as and full as it possibly can be if you're not like that, if you're not fully loving yourself in a true and honest way. It's limited, you're limited because your capacity to truly love is limited because you can't even do it to yourself. Well, and here's the thing, this is where, and I know if someone's hung in there this long

in this episode, this really comes back around to your health and your health and fitness journey more than anything does. Dude, I love that we're in fitness because it's such a small microchasm that represents so much more. Right. Right now we're talking about big things, right? Big, big things. Look, your life and how you view yourself. We talk about it.

But if you can look at just fitness, it's tangible. It's tangible. You can see things change on a very specific level. And then that spreads out to all the big things. Totally. When you approach fitness that way, I know we say all the time,

like exercise and eat, like you love yourself. I know why, because you're taking care of yourself. Yeah, that's what fitness is. And then that's what health is. You're taking care of yourself. Imagine that though. Imagine how people actually taking care. They don't.

Of themselves. No. How many of us take care of ourselves? Not very many of us. Oh, no. That's... And most people that struggle with that and, you know, hired one of us at one point in our careers. You know, they... That was really what was going on inside was the inability

to love themselves or to really dive into what it was that they want to do for themselves and what was driving that. Like, I feel like that was a major and that took me a long time to really figure that all out and realize, and it was when I realized that I wasn't helping enough people and I've talked about this in the show before that if we're truly honest with ourselves, man, at least for the first five years of my career, maybe longer, 20% success rate, maybe. And I consider myself really,

which is, which is twice as good as everybody else. Yeah, that's what I mean. Like I consider myself. And so because if you're a really good trainer, you're giving really good information, knowledge, and you're seeing 20%, okay, you're seeing more than all the rest trainers. So in your you think you're doing a great job but in reality you're really not 80% of the people you're not really helping and why is that and like when I started

to really dive into that like as a trainer like what the fuck like I know how to program design I know how to I know I know food I know that I know all the things to give them I can get myself in great shape I've helped a bunch of other people why won't can't I get these people when I realize man the bigger piece of this game is teaching them about themselves and connecting all those dots and those levels of awareness with nutrition and health and their self image and lifting weights and cardio

and there's so many relationships there. You're trying to navigate them to find themselves. Oh, really? And when you do, oh, it's game over. Now you're giving like 90% of your people, and then at that point, like some of them actually didn't really need to change their body. They need to change their outlook. Of course, they changed their mind. Oh, yeah. You know what I'm saying? How many times? That's the real change. It is. And, and normally the ones that need to lose a ton of weight or want to build muscle, that,

that ends up being a byproduct when they find themselves. You know, it's pretty fucking amazing. It is. And when you think of obesity, it's like a armor. People build up this massive armor to keep people away from them and keep them moving around. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Yeah, I mean, no joke. Yeah, yeah.

Here's something tangible I started doing recently because I like to leave our audience with some tangible, like, okay, I can do these specific things. Here's something. And I actually learned this from some of the women in my family. Like my mom, she'll say something like, oh, you know, it feels good to have a good cry sometimes. And I've heard that so many times.

I think myself like whatever, that's stupid. And as men, we're taught to be ashamed of crying, right? It's like, but think about it. If you can become moved enough to cry in a positive way, that's a transformative, that's a potentially very transformative period of time. Like if you're moved enough by something you're seeing or hearing or witnessing that moves you so much that you're moved to tears, then that is a fucking opportunity for transformation. But as men were taught so much to shun that and to be ashamed of that, that we actually avoid it. And I found myself, because

I have family members. My mom has been particular. She's fucking notorious for this. She'll share these super inspirational, emotional videos on YouTube, like there was a one where there was this boy who had this horrible neurological disorder, but his dad came home from fucking Iraq, and the kid got out of his fucking wheelchair, and it took him like five minutes to walk, five feet, but he got out of his chair, made it to his dad, and hugged him.

And what I'll do usually when I'll see those videos, is I'll flip right through, because the hell no, I don't want to fucking, I don't want to get emotional in the brain. Right? I know where this goes. And what I'll do usually when I'll see those videos is I'll flip right through, because the hell no, I don't want to fucking, I don't want to get emotional in front. Right? I know where this goes. And you know what? I started saying myself like,

you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna fucking seek those videos out sometimes, because I notice that when I get touched like that, I seem to be state-changed, bro. I get to change this to state-changed. And I become a little bit better afterwards. I actually shared one on the forum. I think I shared one.

It was either this morning or last night. I got shared one on the on the forum. I think I shared one. It was either this morning or last night. It was these. I got to look into this. Apparently they make these glasses that you can put on for some people with color black color blindness that lets them see color, which is fucking amazing technology, right? And I there was this grandpa and this old guy is like in his probably 60s 70s and his kids got him this the sung at least glasses and he put and he's like you could tell He's this very stoic kind of like older guy. Yeah, he puts them on and boom take some off in two seconds and just buries his hands Buries his head in his hands and then he comes up and he puts them back on and then he's looking his hat He's looking at his grandkids and he's fucking so moved he's crying and I got moved I watched

Have you seen have you seen and I'm like normally I would avoid that shit right? Have you seen all the videos they've done on people that were like blind their whole life and have had surgery now? They can see, oh my God. Like you could, or they can hear for the first time. Yes, exactly, they've done those.

I've watched the, oh my God, dude, you kidding me? Like gives you like a whole new appreciation and perspective on the things that we take for granted and that are pretty fucking unique. So I guess the tangible thing that I've been trying to implement is I try to now, I don't run away from difficult situations. I'll seek them out, I don't seek them out all the time

because it's exhausting, but now I'll seek them out because I know within that moment I have an opportunity for some kind of transformative change or shift in the way I view things. Well, then if we're given those, then I think the tangible thing was what I was talking about, which I've taught myself over years and years of practice, which is evaluate all of your emotions, especially major state shifts, like Sal was just saying.

So if you get really excited, or really like sad, or really angry, or just a shift, like you know, you go through throughout your day, and then there's things that happen in your day that you can't control, and they shift your state, right? Your state of mind, so, and that can be positive, negative, joyful, all kinds of different states,

but when you feel those, and at the end of the night, or if you can, then eventually all kinds of different states, but when you feel those, and at the end of the night, or if you can, right, then eventually you'll get to the point where you do it right away, but I had to start with like at the end of the night, laying there and kind of reflecting on my day, and like how my day went, right? And like how all the different moods I went through,

and then go into, why did I do that? Why did I feel that way? It'll start to tell you so much about yourself. Excellent. 30 days of coaching is still available and it's still free at mindpumpmedia.com. You just go on our site. There's an opt-in, a little opt-in thing that pops up

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It is a working document, it continues to improve, or continue to add to it. Once you sign up, once it's free, and it's always gonna be free forever. You find that at mindpumpmedia.com. Also, if you ever have a question that you want answered on our popular Qua episodes, that's our Q&A episode. The Qua!

You go to Mind Pump Radio on Instagram, we'll post up, it'll say Qua or Q&A, underneath it, ask your questions. We actually answer a very, very good percentage of the questions that are asked, so there's a good chance yours will get aired on our podcast. And you can also check out our personal Instagram pages. Sometimes we actually put up promos on there too. So if you wanna get some good deals or whatever, check, just keep watching them. My personal one is mind pump sal.

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