Money For Couples with Ramit Sethi - 110. “My boyfriend doesn’t care about money. Will I ever feel secure?”

Episode Date: June 27, 2023

Jake and Hannah bring a younger perspective to the podcast today. 26 and 31 respectively, they find themselves in different seasons of life—especially when it comes to money. Hannah is about to have her own practice as a therapist while Jake is a ski instructor. Can they connect? This episode is brought to you by: Calm | Go to https://calm.com/ramit for 40% off unlimited access to Calm’s entire library. DeleteMe | If you want to get your personal information removed from the web, go to https://joindeleteme.com/ramit for 20% off. Ness Well | IWT listeners can get an extra 5K welcome bonus when they apply for the Ness Card at https://nesswell.com/ramit. Rocket Money | Stop throwing your money away. Cancel unwanted subscriptions – and manage your expenses the easy way – by going to https://rocketmoney.com/ramit. Links mentioned in this episode • Join Earnable Connect with Ramit • Get the Podcast Newsletter and exclusive Q&A about the show • Get Money Coaching with Ramit  • Download the Conscious Spending Plan • Get my New York Times best-selling book • Get my no-numbers journal • Other episodes • Instagram • Twitter • YouTube • Submit a question for the newsletter iwt.com/askramit  If you and your partner have a money issue and you want my help, I occasionally select a couple to work with, free of charge. Apply for my help here. Produced by Crate Media.

If you or your partner has fallen for a scam, I want to help, especially if you've recently fallen for an email or text scam, or you've gotten bad financial advice from someone who did not keep their promises, or maybe you just have not even told your partner because you are embarrassed. If this is you, I want to talk. Apply for free coaching with me by being on my podcast. Apply today at IWT.com slash apply. That's IWT.com slash apply. Let me share some of the coolest ways that my community has recently used money to live a rich life. One member did a month-long honeymoon in Europe after deciding she didn't want a big wedding. Another member bought a VW SUV that was their dream car that they've wanted for years.

And another member made a rule that any time she buys a ticket for an event, she always buys a second so that she can bring a friend. These are just a few examples of how my money coaching members have built systems to use their money. Notice that there's no more anxiety, that they have a smooth running system. They know when their debt's going to be paid off. They can feel comfortable spending on the things they love. They can actually spend less time on their finances while living an amazing life. In my money coaching program, members also get access to live events every month, including topics like money with aging parents and how to create

amazing vacations. That was one of my favorites where I shared how I spend my money on travel, plus Q&A directly from me. If you want to start building your rich life today, join us and get instant access to our back catalog of years of live calls. Check out IWT.com slash money coaching to join now. That's IWT.com slash money coaching to join the program right now. I feel guilty because I feel like your dad has talked to me more about money and you growing up than maybe you. I don't want to have to think about money so much, especially in a conversation with you. I want it to be more of a partnership. I don't really care about numbers growing on a computer. You know, I do kind of think about what retirement would be

like and stuff, but like it's not my goal. You're not really motivated by money. Would that be fair? Yes. I chose a career that doesn't make a lot of money. I work as a backcountry ski guide. Cool. In the winter. And then in summer, what do you do? I work as a beer delivery driver. Okay. I don't think my relationship with money right now that I can ever feel fully safe. Yeah, I definitely want that to change. I think we want the same thing. I just don't know how to get there. It sucks.

Hannah's 31 and Jake is 26 and they see money differently. Hannah wants safety. She wants security. She wants to stop worrying about money. He does not care about it. If you and your partner see money differently, I think this is going to be a fascinating episode for you. And there's one thing I want to highlight before we get into today's episode. Listen to Hannah and Jake talk about minor decisions. Even with something as small as choosing which grocery store to go to, they spin in circles, totally indecisive.

And this is a really common pattern that I've seen among couples that isn't talked about a lot. And it turns out that their indecision ends up playing a central role in their money relationship. All right, let's get into it. We were talking about rent and him discovering how much I'm going to be making in the next five months. And me taking on more rent, I think he was unsure and unwilling to let me pay more. the conversation and go beyond me just saying, yes, this is what we're going to do. I think I said, wow, you're going to make,

what was it, $10,000 a month? I was like, that's a lot of money. I don't make anywhere near that, and I don't know when I will. Go ahead and have the conversation, Hannah. Just talk to him like you said it to him the other day. I've been telling you this for a long time, the whole last year. me through grad school that that's probably what I'm going to be making. And I'm probably going to

be paying for more in the long run just because I am making more money than you. Just want to cut in here. Did you notice how Hannah began that conversation? Let me play it back. I've been telling you this for a long time the whole last year and me through grad school that that's probably what I'm going to be making. All right, you'll probably notice that I never, ever start a conversation that way on this podcast. And you may also notice that it wasn't really a conversation. It was Hannah telling Jake something and then it just landing with a thud. He had to figure out how to respond. If you have been having conversations with your partner about money, that seemed to go nowhere, or it feels like you're just spinning your wheels, sometimes it helps to break your conversations

down to their atomic levels. Here's a weird idea. Ask your partner if they're cool with recording the conversation the next time you talk about money and then get a transcript. Look at how you talk to each other. I guarantee that your minds will be blown.

Okay, back to the conversation. Notice how Jake responds to Hannah's declaration. Yeah. That sounds fair to me, but just a disproportion and rent and other bills sort of makes me uneasy. I don't know if we need to do that. It sounds like that's more work, honestly.

I want it to be as easy as possible. I mean, that's definitely my goal. I want the paying the bills and splitting stuff to be as easy. I just think this is the easiest way. What is this? This means what? So, like, we, for basically all of our bills and for all of our grocery shopping and stuff,

we just split it, I guess, like manually. So like one of us will pay the bill. Like, you know, the Wi-Fi bill came. It gets taken out of my account automatically. I've Venmo hand up for half of it. When we go to the grocery store, I'll split up the receipt and Venmo request for that part of it. Okay.

That seems easier to me than other methods, yeah. Okay, well, I don't want to keep Venmoing. and I don't want to have to think about money so much, especially in conversation with you. I want it to be more of a partnership. What do you think the problem is? Is this a problem of Venmo and tools? Because I'm still trying to understand what are the stakes here.

Jake, if I had to ask you in a sentence or two, what's going on with money in your relationship? What would you say to me? I think Hannah wants more money. than I think that I need. And I guess I don't have the aspirations to make that much money, more than I make now, but not that much. I see.

That's honest. Hannah, would you agree with that? Is that the primary thing what's going on? Yeah, that's the primary thing. I don't think you even want to make more than you're making now. This is a day-to-day conversation, I guess. It's something we talk about sort of frequently. Is that related to Hannah's desire to make more money and your lack of desire to?

Yeah, because if we do start having joint accounts and putting in income proportionally, the further apart our incomes get, the stranger that gets. If I'm putting in such a smaller proportion than she is into account, and we're kind of spending money on somewhat separate things. It just doesn't seem fair. To me, that doesn't seem fair to Hannah. Why? Because she's paying more for stuff.

And so your conclusion is to, what, keep things separate and split things 50-50? Yeah. Okay. Does that work? I think so. But I don't think Hannah does. So you go to grocery store and let's say, I don't know, it costs $100,000. You both split it 50, 50.

Is that how you do it? No, so we'll go through the receipt and I'll add up the items individually. So like let's say she paid for it. I'll add up the things that I spent money on and the things that were shipping. And then I'll pay her that. Because we eat kind of different things and stuff. You like doing this? I don't like it, but it doesn't take that much time.

I mean, really, that's less than five minutes every time we go to the grocery store. Okay. It's not ideal, but I think it's easier than other things. Other things would be what? Contributing to a checking account and then proportionally adding money in and then proportionally spending the money. that seems more of a headache. And right now, on a scale of 1 to 10, how would you describe the way that you've got your money set up?

One is easy. Ten is hard. Where would you say it is? Three. Three, really easy. Okay. I think it's pretty easy. What does easy mean to you?

Automatic doesn't take a lot of stress or time. What? What is this, this idea that it doesn't take a long time? Yes, it does. It costs a lot. Not only does it cost you your own time focusing on $3 questions to sit there and decide who bought the head of lettuce, it costs you because you're not bonding with your partner over money. In fact, it feels horrible every single month.

This is an example of focusing on $3 questions. And Jake wants to do this going line by line on every receipt for the rest of their lives. That's not the life for me. Just guess the average wait time to see a doctor in the United States. I'm not talking about a specialist, just a regular standard family doctor. You think it's a week, two weeks? Nope, it's over 30 days. So a lot of times whatever symptoms you have are going to be gone or maybe worse by the time you get to that appointment.

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Zokdoch.com slash remit. And I want to thank Zok-Dak for sponsoring this message. What would be an ideal scenario for you? Him being comfortable with me making more money, but also having self-efficacy to do his best, to do more than just make the bare minimum to pay his business. if he was single. Mm-hmm. Okay.

I feel like I've never admitted that. What is it that you want from Jake? Feel free to be as honest as you want, and feel free to take as much time as you need. Jake is listening. Ooh. I wish that I could trust you to provide for me in some way if my business fell through.

Okay. I would like that too. Go ahead. Keep talking about it. I think we're really on to something here. I think right now you couldn't. Like being a seasonal worker, you don't necessarily have your own room

throughout the year that's just yours or you don't know where your next paycheck's coming from from like April to the summer. So I hear that. Jake, do you care about making more money? Not really. You know, not that much. like to live, my rich life would require a little bit more money, but not that much more money.

I don't really care about numbers growing on a computer. You know, I do kind of think about what retirement would be like and stuff, but like, you know, it's not my goal. Like, I chose a career that doesn't make a lot of money, you know, because I care more about that. What do you do for living? I work as a backcountry ski guide in the summer. Okay, cool.

In the winter. In the winter. And then in summer, what do you do? I work as a beer delivery driver. Okay. But I'm kind of getting into the climbing guiding too. Rock climbing guiding. What is your rich life if you could define it for us?

I want to live in the mountains where I can have access to them every day. The part that I don't have now is I would like to be able to take trips on, not extravagant trips, but trips with flexibility. I want to be able to with short notice, like, I want to go here with Hannah or with a friend. That's the one thing I'd like to add to my life. You're not really motivated by money. Would that be fair?

Yes, that is fair. I think I can get experiences without just money. Got it. Yeah. Cool. I like that. And Hannah? Being able to retire in my 60s,

and maybe having like a secure base that would be maybe like a piece of land or a house somewhere. How long have you two been together? Three years. Are you into the mountains as much as Jake? I think I am. I like living in the mountains, but I definitely don't want to be backcountry skiing every day. Okay, got it. So you're 31 and what do you do for a living?

I am a clinical or I'm a mental health therapist. I felt guilty that I'm probably going to be making a lot more than him. Why do you feel guilty? I don't know, just like a lot more. I feel guilty that I'm making so much more than him. And he contributes 50% of everything. Ah. Yeah.

Who decided that? He did. It's so weird. It's always the case. The lower earner insists on doing 50-50, almost always, even to their own detriment. It's got to be stressful, Jake. I don't know. I mean, I'm sort of making it work.

It seems fair. We've used the same amount of power. We use the same amount of Wi-Fi, and we both use the house equally, the apartment, equally. Like, why, you know, why should I just pay less because I happen to make less? Well, you pay less taxes than I pay. True. Oh, that's good. Okay.

Yeah. And to tell you the truth, I can afford it. In fact, I should, a guy like me should pay more and be able to provide for the roads and the emergency services and all the beautiful trees and all that stuff, right? In your relationship, she makes more. Sure, she consumes 50-50 of the Wi-Fi, but she also has the capability. to pay more. And in a relationship, to me it makes a lot of sense.

What do you think about that? Yeah, that makes sense. That felt a little too easy. I'm not sure I just changed Jake's entire perspective about proportional payments in 30 seconds. But I do want to point out that sometimes a single good example can change everything. And sometimes having a third party make that example

can be really powerful. Here's what I've noticed so far. Hannah cares about money because she wants security. She's expecting to make a lot more soon, and she feels guilty about it. She's concerned about Jake's relationship with money, but she's rarely direct with him. Jake doesn't care about money in the same way as Hannah. He acknowledges that he chose a low-paying career. And interestingly, he insists on paying 50-50, likely as a way to contribute because the lower

earner in relationships is almost always preoccupied with the C word contribution. But of course, contributing 50-50 to the price of peanut butter isn't really what their disagreement is about. If you struggle to connect with your partner on money, make sure that you are signed up for my Saturday newsletter. This Saturday, I'm going to be sharing seven money questions that you and your partner can ask each other to help make sure you're having healthy money conversations and to start actually feeling like you have a true partnership around money. Sign up at IWT.com slash podcast newsletter, and that newsletter is free.

Now, I asked Jake about something he said in his screening interview because I want to understand how he views money. Jake, what's this thing about you not liking rich people? Is that true? Yeah, not all of them. I don't like a lot of them either. And I'm rich. All right, tell me.

You seem to chill for a rich. guy, but I don't know. I think often people lose their important values for money or with money. And then I also don't like the idea how, you know, 1% of the world owns everything and there's so many people suffering because of it. Not that I'm suffering, but. Yeah, I agree with you, man. I'm totally with you. 100%. It's unfathomable, the disparity in wealth. Okay, I got questions for you. So you have this feeling. about rich people. I'm not offended. I love the honesty. Where do you meet these rich people? Is this when you're doing the skiing, ski guiding? I have had some clients that are absolutely

filthy rich and I just, yeah, I see people have values that I don't think or lack of values, I guess. What would be an example of the values you don't agree with? You know, I see a correlation with how wealthier people are doing these activities more to go home and tell coworkers or to post it on Instagram or to check a box. Just like suffering through the day and having no fun and not talking to, you know, his group members and me and not getting the most out of the experience, right? He's just there to take the picture and go home. Got it. And it's not fun for anybody. Okay. And I see that less wealthy people are really just there for the experience, which I think is the way it should be.

And do you find that this is true of all the wealthy people that you work with? No, I wouldn't say all. How do you think that this feeling you have about wealth and wealthy people, etc., how do you think it affects your relationship with Hannah and money? I think Hannah wants to be, wants both of us to be wealthy together. Okay. And what do you feel about that? I don't necessarily want exorbitant wealth.

And I think that is maybe our biggest issue and maybe why we're here. Yeah, I would agree with that. If you hate money or you think that rich people are vapid or evil, it's very unlikely that you will live a rich life yourself. That's because the very process of earning money, saving and investing, designing a rich life will not get you where you want. That destination of rich will be antithetical to the identity you've created for yourself. This is why I talk openly about my rich life and yours.

I want you to see that a rich life doesn't have to mean simply posting about your glamorous ski trip on Instagram, although honestly I don't see a problem with that. Your rich life is yours. Next, I wanted to hear from Hannah, specifically about how she was raised. I have this email software that I love so much. I pay for it personally. And just 20 minutes ago, I used one of its AI tools. I'm currently doing a pitch to some journalists for this story that I want to run.

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use superhuman. We love it. And I think you will too. Turn your inbox into momentum. Sign up for superhuman mail today. Go to superhuman.com slash remit three and try it for yourself. That's superhuman.com. slash Ramith 3, the number 3. I spent over 20 years fine-tuning my core message from I Will Teach You to Be Rich of Living Your Rich Life, which is why I was so thrilled when Masterclass reached out and asked me to teach a class because I've spent so many years helping people define their rich life. My financial wellness class is now available on Masterclass, where I cover how to automate

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So Masterclass makes perfect sense for me. And I think it will make a lot of sense for you. Right now, our listeners get an additional 15% off any annual membership at masterclass.com slash remit. That's 15% off at Masterclass.com slash Ramit. Masterclass.com slash remit. I'm already getting teary. I was raised by a single mom, and so I was always the one that was, I guess, probably more mature about money and finances than my mom.

She wasn't good with money? No, she was not good with money. Yeah, probably like eight or nine. That was when my parents got divorced, so probably just right around there. some of my earlier memories are talking about money with her. We were completely dependent on my grandfather. He paid for everything in my life or it was like talking about child support and we don't have enough money or there's $5 in the bank account right now after I paid rent, that kind of thing. So it was like me trying to just be smaller so that so that she wouldn't be stressed about money.

and I see that happening with us where it's like I would I just won't talk about it because I don't want to make him stressed about money and what about now looking back on that that eight nine 10 year old what do you think I I wish I could tell her that you don't have to be so hyper vigilant um but it's just hard to I I would I would have to explain like listening to your mom I'm calling credit card companies is not something that other kids have to deal with. Yeah. I wish I could tell her that it wasn't normal what I was going through. I'm sorry you had to go through that at such a young age, too. Thank you. You still have that relationship with your mom? We don't have a relationship because it just got to the point where I just couldn't handle her mismanagement of things.

So you mentioned that you were eight, nine, you were starting to take over some of the family responsibility with the money. You were starting to also shrink yourself. Is that right? Yeah. What happened between 10 and 18? Things just got worse. She didn't really work that much. She would get like a big check for Christmas from a family member. And we just do our best to live off that for the rest of the year. Did you grow up thinking it was normal to get one check and then make it last for a year? I grew up, well, yeah, I grew up thinking that you have to ask other people for money

and you have to be, you have to be, you have to do what they tell you essentially. Like, my dad or my grandpa, like, were, if we ran out of money, like my dad and my grandpa were the people that she asked. And so it was very much like, Grandpa wants us to do this. Grandpa wants us to live here. Grandpa wants us to, and same with my dad. It's like, you need to be this way and I'll buy you a car.

Wow. How would you describe that if you had to put a word or words to that scenario? I was always scared for what was going to happen next. Yeah, I was just always, I had no control over my life. You still feel that way today? Um, yeah, I do. What ways? I just feel like I'm like deep down.

It's probably not like in the front of my brain, but deep down, I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop. And so being the one that makes more money in my relationship does not feel like a comfortable role. I'm used to someone else having a lot of money and then giving it when they felt like they wanted to. Would you want that to be the case in your relationship? No, I don't want to, I don't want that to be the case, but I also saw a lot of enabling of my mom. If she didn't come from a wealthy family, we wouldn't have had anything. And I can't imagine her holding a job. I don't know what my life would have been like.

And so I don't want to enable him in like not, not giving him the space to grow who he wants to be career-wise. And so just like giving him money or like making, he doesn't ask, but like making his life easier. I don't know if that's the best thing to do either. So you're here because you want to help him? I'm here because I'm deathly scared to like combine our lives. I've been doing well on my own and to start combining my life more and more with him. I'm scared to release and relinquish control. He is always stressed about money.

So there's something that isn't working, talking about money or just if there's something, some unperseen circumstance, he's stressed. So that's what I see. Any conversations we had early on about finances where like my ideas about the future and what I wanted for my future. And then him, I can't remember.

what he would have told me. When we started dating, Hannah was just starting grad school. And I think she was pretty psyched on her upcoming career and how much money she was going to make. Why were you excited about the income you were going to make? Previous to that, I was a flight attendant. And while I got to travel and leave at a moment's notice, there wasn't a lot of freedom in it. I was excited that that was something that I was going to have. all while helping people.

Money-wise, I was excited that I was going to be increasing my income significantly. Why? What does it mean to you? It means that I can, like, relax, that I don't have to be on all the time. Are you relaxed right now? I'm not relaxed now, but I'm in kind of like the last, like, squeeze before getting my license, like the last, like, hard part before getting my license. That happens in a couple months? Yeah, three and a half months.

And then are you going to be relaxed? I, that's what I'm wondering. Do you want me to just tell you? And I'm worried I'm not going to be. Yeah. I feel like I would take more on because I'd want, want to expand more and I'd want more income. Oh, okay, because you want more income.

Because, yeah, because I want. more income and because I feel like if I were to, if things were to fall apart, I would want more money to just be able to be unemployed for a little bit. Yeah. Because when will the other shoe drop? Yeah. Does that remind you of anything? My childhood. Yeah. Do you think there's a connection? Yeah. I think there's a connection. I don't think my relationship. I don't think my relationship. relationship with money right now that I can ever feel fully safe. There's not more to do, I guess. When do you get to stop worrying about money? I don't know. I think when I realize that I can like go on a trip and not have to plan it around like when it's best for my business or when it's

best for my employer or when I'm able to go on a trip and go where I want to go, not based on how much I can spend. That's what I have in my head, I guess. That's a good answer. I like that last part. That's what I have in my head. Sometimes what we have in our head is right. And sometimes it's totally shockingly wrong. How do you think Jake fits into this? Well, I think that Jake probably has to be a little bit on edge around me. I would love to be able to live with Jake and I would love to be able to go with him where he travels.

And so ideally we're able to live closer together throughout the year. Jake, what do you think? Hearing everything that Hannah just said, are you surprised at all? Mm-hmm. I mean, I understand, you know, her background and why money's, you know, tough mentally and why I don't help that at all.

You know, I understand that. And I just don't know how to move forward or like how to be a better support. I guess that's what I want. I would like to support Hannah better and give her that, you know, backbone or something she, someone she can rely on. I'm asking a few questions here, right? It's your life. Are you interested? Because you told me before you don't really care about making more money. No, I am interested in that. I'm just in a place where it's not necessarily an option.

I'm early in my career and I don't have a lot of flexibility in the long term. It might take several years. The one thing is the money that I don't know where that's going to come from. Isn't that the one thing that Hannah wants? Because he is so young. I, or he's 26 and I'm 31, I guess, like, I could just see it going on for the rest of our lives. Like, this is, this is the number he's at. And I just don't see, I don't see him actually being okay with a number that he has. What do you mean? He said he's okay with it. Okay. I, I don't see

that on a day to day basis. Okay, we got to get to this. Jake, you're stressed about money. I'm told by Hannah, but you don't seem stressed at all to me. So are you stressed about money? Well, I guess you caught me at a good moment in time where I'm not stressed about money, but I am. I didn't say I have enough money right now, but I don't need to make $1,000 a month. The numbers are low, you know? Yeah. I'm not necessarily in the red, but yeah. I mean, Hannah, he's telling you straight up, this is who I am. He's being very honest. I work in this industry. This is the deal. I'm getting my training. This is the kind of money I make. It might turn into something else. I'm taking steps. and my schedule is unpredictable during certain seasons.

He's telling you straight up. Yeah. I feel like since November and up until now, I'm okay with that. Like, I'm okay with whenever what his schedule allows, but it feels like financially and dates-wise, like I don't know what I could plan for us. There's a lot of dancing around what might really just be a basic financial, incompatible,

or a difference in life stages. Let's start with the possibility of life stages or seasons. Jake is young. He's early in his career. And this is one of many reasons that I don't focus on very young people to teach personal finance to. Why? Because many of them simply do not care. I'm not saying anyone is a bad person, but there are seasons of life where you care about certain things. and me sitting here shaking people and saying, look at this compound interest chart, you 21-year-old, frankly, is not going to make many 21-year-olds care about money. Think about it.

Would it make sense to sit here and teach a class on how to rock a baby to a 21-year-old single person? Probably not. So maybe Jake just doesn't care right now. Do I wish he cared about money? Of course. But I can't make someone care, and neither can Hannah. There is another darker possibility

that this is just a basic incompatibility on a very important value. Notice that Hannah doesn't even want to touch that because the implication is so severe. Instead, what does she say? She says, quote, I'm okay with whatever his schedule allows, but it feels like I don't know what I could plan for us. What do you think is going on here? What advice would you give to them?

I'm curious, leave your thoughts in the comments on YouTube, and Instagram, and I will read all of those comments. Let's continue. Do you grow up middle class or lower middle class? Probably middle. I grew up in Seattle. My mother was an acupuncturist. She died when I was 14, and my dad works, he's worked for various nonprofits.

Got it. Sorry about your mom. Thanks. You grew up in what? The house, an apartment? What are we talking about? Yep, a three-bedroom house. Yeah, and a pretty decent neighborhood.

What's your dad teach you about money and your mom also? I think they both taught me to spend money when you need to. If you need something like education or clothes or gear for your job, then you should make that happen. You should spend that money. Were they both into the outdoors like you? Yeah. Cool. Seattle's a good place for that.

Careers out of it, but yeah. Okay. Cool. What else did they teach you about money? Saving was important to have some money just in case. And then also they taught me to be charitable with my money, which I don't necessarily practice these days. Okay. They sound like great parents, great lessons too. I think so.

Yeah. You have pretty positive memories of your childhood? Absolutely. Yeah. Hannah, any of that surprised you hearing that? No, it doesn't surprise me. I feel guilty, not guilty. I feel weird because I feel like your dad has talked to me more about money and you growing up than maybe you.

He told me recently that he was always wishing that his, or not always, but at a certain point in time, he was wishing that his mom would work just a little bit more, like see more people and just. just make a little bit more money. And in hearing that, I was like, oh, no, is this the, do we have the similar dynamic to what his mom and dad had? That was my thought. I never thought about that. I guess it's possible. Yeah.

And I guess my mom was pretty stressed about money a lot. And I think that was a, yeah, a big item of discussion. What do you remember about your mom being stressed? if you're comfortable sharing. Yeah, I mean, I think they argued about money, what to spend it on. I mean, my dad was kind of the same way. They were both pretty frugal about something,

but maybe arguing about which grocery store to go to. Yeah. Yeah, whether a certain item can be afforded or something like that, yeah. Arguments about groceries are usually never about groceries, you know? They're usually about something way deeper. It's hard, you know,

as an adult talking about your parents. But there's some clues here. Okay. Hannah, you're realizing that you may be replicating the dynamic that you heard Jake's dad talk about. You got a big smile on your face right now. What's going through your head? Because I'm now remembering that early on in our relationship, we fought about which grocery store to go to.

Not fought, but like it would be, it would be. Hold on. What were the options? Lay out the two grocery stores for us. Which were they? So the co-op, which is like the organic and then there's like the more, the like cheaper store. It's like mix of organic and not organic. And I always shop at the co-op. And he did not like that I would have a stop at the co-op and then we would go to TNC for his stuff. That is true. And I don't, I think that is still a relevant issue. I'm down to go to the co-op, but not for everything. Do you guys ever conclude your discussions about money with a final decision?

I really don't think so. Jake? Yeah, I think maybe sometimes I give in to Hannah's argument. Even in my question to you, I didn't even get a yes or no answer. Let me ask it again, Jake. Do you ever end your money conversations with a final decision? Yeah, I think so. I don't want to push too much.

What is that? I would just rather not have the argument. So I have so many questions about this grocery store example. First of all, why are you even asking? Don't you make a lot more money, Hannah? We're talking about dinner, which is always like, I don't know, it just takes so long for us to decide on what we're going to have for dinner. Oh, shocking.

So then we're going to go to the grocery store. Eventually, I find myself just going to T&C more, even though I don't like to go there. see any patterns here i don't know if i'm doing the right thing or not like giving in i don't know either but i'll tell you that you are asking for permission when by the way it's your money you are having repeated conversations with repeated patterns over and over again even though you already know exactly what's going to happen and then you're shrinking yourself you're minimizing going to a place you don't even want to go or or even having the conversation even accepting

the premise of arguing over groceries, don't you guys make a little too much money to be arguing over the price of like pears? It's either that or I eat alone or I like eat my own dinner. You've taken a wrong turn somewhere. If you two can't make a decision about groceries shopping, then it's no surprise that you can't make a decision about careers and living together and money and joint accounts. I think we want the same thing. I just don't know how to get there. It sucks. Okay.

Does it suck enough to change anything for you, Jake? Yeah, I definitely want that to change. I'd want to be with Hannah year-round. Absolutely. I just wish I had a more concrete answer in time frame. It's very difficult to live a rich life if you're Venmoing receipts. It's just too small. It is. It's too small. To be able to think big, I mean, you guys want to go travel to the mountains in different countries and different states. It's very difficult to do that if you're like sitting there Venmoing $5 back and forth. It's keeping you small. And in order to get to think at a bigger level, what is our savings rate? How much money are we investing together? How can one of us get a raise or whatever? I guess it would be like climbing. If you want to get up to the top, you've got to start one,

steady step at a time. And when you get higher, you're not going back down. You don't want to look back down. You just keep going up. Same thing here. All right. Now, this is the first time I've ever used that metaphor with someone who actually knows how to climb. How did I do? I think you nailed it. That's good. Oh, my God. I'm turning into an outdoorsman today. All right. Forget all this business shit. I'm coming to the mountains. All right. Have you two talked about your rich life together? We have. We both want to go to Europe. We'd like to to go to France. I would like to do stuff in the mountains. And I think, and we've talked about how we can both do a trip together. And I think it's possible. I really think we could do that.

It's honestly kind of soon. When? Three years. Maybe less. I would love to do that. It sounds really exciting. I think we've talked about that. We stopped and talking about I would want to go there. talking about the details, I think is difficult for us. To go into the details, it feels like I have to motivate myself to just continue with the conversation because it just kind of dead ends. Well, you're afraid to ask for specifics, Hannah, because you know that if you ask for specifics, you're going to get turned down, dissuaded, minimized. It's just a lot of, like, imagine you two are driving.

You're going back and forth. and you're not actually going in a straight line to anywhere. It's just almost a circle. It's got to be frustrating. I'm frustrated. I feel like we're going in circles. I agree. I think you're on it, dude.

I think we are going in circles. But at the same time, I know this is like a classic answer. Like, we do need time, you know? Like, time does need to have. Not that much time. You're 26. She's 31. Not that much time.

We just started new careers in the last two years. Here's how I look at it. I'm in a big hurry. Now, it doesn't mean that I'm going to make rash decisions. No, it doesn't mean that I'm going to wake up stressed every day. Not at all. I love chilling on the couch. I love having slow mornings.

I'm down. And like you clearly, Jake, love to be outside. Love it. But with my life, I'm in a hurry, meaning there are things I want to do. and I know that the things I want to do are big. I don't even know how to do some of that stuff today. I don't even know how to get there. But I know that in order to get there,

I got to take a couple steps today. I got to take a couple steps tomorrow. Now, here's the key. That's me. If I were with somebody who was not into that, they would find that really annoying. They would be like, dude, chill. Things are good.

Why are you always stressing? And in my head, I'm like, I'm not stressed. I love the game. I love it. So it's just a different way to look at the world. Jake, I see a big smile on your face. What is occurring to you as I say this? That's how I feel.

You're speaking about language. You're like, I am making moves. I started my career. It's been a couple of years. I'm getting this training. And what are you hearing from your partner? What are you hearing from Hannah? Faster.

Everyday faster. Yeah. And Hannah, what are you saying to yourself? I've been working hard since I was eight years old. I worried because we had to. We didn't know if our dad, grandpa was going to provide money. I had to do that stuff.

And so I've been taking on responsibility forever. And now, even now, I'm about to get paid double, triple, whatever you're going to get paid. and I want to have a partner in this. I want someone who knows what that's like and is willing to put in work and make big moves. Am I getting that right, Hannah? Exactly right.

Yeah, that's exactly it. And what do you hear from Jake? I hear I'm not ready to be a partner yet, but maybe someday and just give me some time and I will want to be that at some point. Do you think that the two of you want the same thing or different things? I cannot figure it out.

I think we want same things in the long term. We want to live together. We want to be able to travel freely. We want to not worry about money. I think those are concrete things we both want. It doesn't sound that specific to me, Jake. You want to live together? Okay, fine.

You want to travel together? Where, when? How much money do you want to spend? So have you talked about the specifics of what you want? I guess not. You guys been together three years. Maybe you've been busy. We're here now.

Should we do it now? Yeah. Sure. Can we start with the groceries? I'm down to buy all organic food at the co-op. I just can't afford it right now. That makes sense. Yeah.

I am okay paying more for groceries. I would rather it be a conversation. that we had each month, as opposed to every time we went to the store, having to pick out how much I spend, how much you spend, I would like it to be something that we agree on before. How about never? How about never having a conversation about pickles? What a waste of time. Yes. Why are you doing this? I mean, I'm looking, I know your numbers. I looked at your CSP. You guys make too much money to be doing it. You want to do it. And I am trying to compromise. I don't want to be the one that makes the new system on my own. I feel like I'm constantly like talking about it.

I don't know how to motivate the conversation, I guess. Ah, motivate. Motivate the conversation or motivate him? Motivate him? You can't motivate somebody. They have it or they don't. Now, you can shape it, you can support it. But the simplest way to get a great partner is to find the person who's already mostly what you're looking for. So what I'm looking for from the two of you is for you to be more honest

than you've ever been about what you want. If you see it differently, one of you's like, I want to plan 10 years ahead and the other's like, I don't. I'm doing what I'm doing. I'm on my path. then you're going to have conversations that don't feel like a puzzle piece fitting together. Okay.

That's up to you two to decide if you see your lives the same way. I can't tell you that. What I'm hopefully doing here is giving you a little structure around money so that you can at least take that off the table as a reason not to connect. And then for the two of you to really have some honest conversations, what do we want? Okay. You look nervous. It's so new to me.

it's, it's, and I feel like I'm doing it mostly on my own. I'm excited that Jake and I, like, can look at the finances together and maybe I can talk to him more about what I'm experiencing or like I would like to be able to talk to him more and, and him kind of get involved. But I think that that's too big of an ask with where we're at in our relationship, where we are on a committed relationship and I think we do want the same things in the future. It's, it's very much I have a lot to think about on my own. Here's an overview of their finances. Their assets, 17,500, which includes a truck and two snowmobiles. This may be the only couple I've ever spoken to on this podcast who actually needs a truck. Their investments, $34,341. Their savings, $23,907. Their debt, $82,208.

no credit card debt included there. Therefore, their net worth is negative $6,460. Hannah's gross monthly income is $5,300. Jake's gross monthly income is $3,100. And therefore, their combined annual gross income is $101,000. Now, keep in mind that Hannah's income will more than double very soon.

What's the area of life that you want? to spend more on this year. A lot of people will say health or relationships. Some people will say travel. Let's talk about food and health for just a second. For example, in my life, my wife and I both decided we're going to spend more on health. And that means having a personal trainer. It means having someone make meals tailored to our macros so that we don't have to think about it. But you don't have to pay for a private chef to do that. One great option is to make healthy eating convenient by getting meals from Factor. They take the work out of healthy, macro-dense meals

so you can start eating better now. Factor is a chef-crafted, dietitian-approved meal delivery service that fits into your goals and schedule. Their meals arrive fresh, not frozen, and they're ready to eat in two minutes. No prep, no cleanup, just heat it and go. There are over 100 meals to choose from every week,

high-protein, calorie-smart Mediterranean, even GLP1 support options. And unlike most meal prep, there's a lot of variety. So you're not locked into the same boring meals every single time. If you're looking to eat healthier starting right now, this is exactly what I would use. Head to factor meals.com slash remit 50 off and use code remit 50 off to get 50% off your first factor box plus free breakfast for one year. Offers only valid for new factor customers with code and qualifying auto renewal subscription purchase. make healthier eating easy with factor.

One of the most shocking things I've learned from this podcast is that almost all of the couples who come on my show with 10 out of 10 money problems have never read a single book about personal finance. Not just my book, they never read any book about money. You'll note that when people talk about money, it is very easy to dream about what they want. And actually, I like dreaming.

It's good. We should dream. We should come up with our rich life vision. but we don't just need dreams, we need a plan. So you can create that plan yourself and figure out how compounding works and when you'll be able to withdraw this money and on and on. Or if you need help building a specific plan for you, our partners at FASID can help.

Facet charges a flat membership fee for financial planning, never a percentage of your portfolio. You get access to a team of CFP professionals, always a CFP, always a fiduciary, who help you create a personalized financial plan for your rich life goals. And they handle important things like investments, retirement planning, starting a family,

becoming empty nesters, estate planning, all of it. Your financial plan needs to adapt as your life changes. FASIT makes getting professional financial advice more accessible without charging hidden exorbitant fees. As of the date of this recording, Fassett is waiving the enrollment fee for new annual members. And for my audience, FACC is offering $300 into your brokerage account if you invest and maintain $5,000 within your first 90 days.

You can head to facet.com slash remit to learn more about which membership option is best for you. Facet is an SEC registered investment advisor. I'm not a member of Facet and I have an incentive to endorse Facet as I have an ongoing fee-based contract for cash compensation based on this endorsement. All opinions are my own and not a guarantee of a similar outcome. So there's a problem. I mean, there's a number of problems here, but what? One of the problems is, what's that fixed cost number?

83%. 83%. What's it supposed to be? Like 60. 50 to 60? 50 to 60%. So at 83%, because you're spending so much in your fixed cost, you essentially have no money for some of the other stuff.

Hey, can you match the 350 I spend in groceries a month? No, but I have got it down to. like 550, I think, is what I'll be at, but I'm okay paying more for groceries. Great. 550 and 350 equals $900 a month. Cool. You lowered it by $250 or so. Great.

We're down to 79%. Oh, Hannah's eyes just went, oh, shit. That's right, Hannah. $200 ain't going to get you there. With the lifestyle you've created, if you want to live in the place you live in, have insurance, have a car, pay off the debt that you've incurred, then we've got to do something else. So what are your options? Make more money. Yep.

And you are going to make more money, right? By the way, most couples say that, and I'm just like, I immediately shut that down because it's totally delusional. But you actually are going to make more money, right? Yeah, I make 40% of what I'll be making in four or five months. What's the amount you're going to make in four or five months? Oh, I... She's pulling out a piece of paper. She's been waiting.

I'm pulling out my conscious spending plan. I think it's like 10,500. It's on the other tab. Oh, hold on, hold on. 10,551. Whoa. I think we may have just solved a number of problems. Hold on.

Watch this. Jake, you better watch this. Remember when you said you don't care about numbers in a spreadsheet? You're about to care. Watch this. Whoa! Wow, so cool. What's the net amount, Hannah?

It's 11,106. That really changed things a lot. Jake, what do you notice? For fixed costs have gone down to 44%. All right, round of applause on that. That's magic. Suddenly, everything has changed. Let me cut in here to show you what actually happens when you do increase your income.

This is one of the most common questions I get. How do I increase my income? And I teach this in our earnable program, which shows you how to find a profitable idea and start a business on the side. I'm going to throw that link in show notes for those of you who are interested in increasing your income. So your number went from roughly 83% fixed costs to now 44%. what does this mean for your life? Can you tell me?

I have no idea. I'm still just shocked by that. Yeah. Yeah. Jake, does it mean anything different to you? I mean, it's hard for me to wrap my head around change because it's not my money. Well, let me tell you what I see. I get really excited by this because the change I just saw in your conscious spending plan, to you, it's just a number. To me, it represents a complete change in your socioeconomic status complete. It's amazing. The fact that you are even below the 50 to 60% recommendation means you have tons of money to save, tons of money to invest. You can go on your trip to the hot springs and go ahead. Get the breakfast. Get the extra thing. It's great.

You can do that. You can pay off your debt faster. if you choose to, but because you both are actually kind of savvy with the interest rate understanding, you don't have to. This is absolutely amazing. I didn't set in until you said that, and I'm just, I'm so proud of myself. Yeah. That's cool. What does it mean to you?

Yeah. It means that, like, I have more control over my life. Like, if I put my mind to something, I can make it happen. And I can trust myself to make it happen. I believe that. And Jake, I heard you say something just a second ago. What did you say? I was saying, I'm really proud of you too, Hannah.

Thank you. Yeah. I love this. What do you think that this means for the two of you? I think that it means I can be with him in the mountains and still have my own level of comfort. Like, I can be with him, but not worry if I'm putting my future at risk. I think I will feel more comfortable being concise about the things that I want.

Because? Because I have the money to do it. And if I want to go to the hot springs, I can say I want to go to hot springs. I can say, I want to go to the hot springs with you. And we work out of time and I can pay for it. And I don't have to worry, can I pay for it? Can I not? Should he pay for some?

Would that make it easier? It would just be more concise than the numbers or more apparent in the numbers that I could. I'm glad that she is able to, that gives her a sense of freedom, which will probably give both of us more freedom. Okay. That's great. Nice. Yeah.

And while you may not be spending more of Hannah's, money, you probably will be enjoying more of it. Would that be fair to say? Yeah. Are you okay with that? I'm cool with that. Okay. Hannah, are you okay with that? I'm okay with it, yes. So let's just take a look at the rest of the Conscious Spending Plan. Your investments are 8% of take home. That's actually higher than I thought. Who's putting the money here? Both of you are doing it. Wow. I'm impressed. Is this true? Jake, you're putting 150 bucks a month away for investments? Yeah, I read your book, dude. I mean, he got me on the automatic investments. That's quite sophisticated to understand the relationship, you know? This fucking guy,

he really read this book. Okay, well done. And you're putting away 150 bucks a month. That's awesome. Hannah, you're putting away 400 bucks a month. Is that true? Yes. All right. 550 at 8%. I mean, honestly, that's better than that. than a lot of people. I'm impressed. All right. I got no feedback. Savings, 12%. So you have $158 a month for vacations. That's very specific. It would be nice to be able to take a trip together, like celebrating the end of the winter. Well, would you like to plan it right now? Go ahead. You have 60 seconds to plan it. Go ahead. I think it's too soon to go camping. But I would like to maybe go to a

hot springs and just like spend the night in a hotel at a hot springs. Do you want to go to Chico? I would like to go a little bit further than Chico maybe. Okay. Well, we could look. I don't know where there hot springs are, but we can do that.

Okay. So that's something that I can start to plan in a couple weeks of us doing. Yeah. Let me, well, I'll text you the date and then let's find a hot spring we want to go to. Okay. This is taking longer than 60 seconds. Can we confirm this?

But the weekend of May 6th and 7th is good. Okay. I love seeing it. We got the groceries. You two are about to take another two weeks to find a date. I'm like, no fucking way. We're doing this right now. All right.

So you have a date. What about the money? How are you going to decide how much to spend? I imagine I would pay for it. Okay. Is that a question? or a statement? I'm okay paying for it.

Are you okay with me paying for it? I'd like to contribute and I feel comfortable or contributing. Okay. I feel guilty asking you to go on a trip because you're not working right now. I hear you. I will be working, but yes. Okay. Well, that's good to know.

How much? This has always been my dream. Watching two people, you know, have this very intimate. conversation, then I'm just sitting in the background on the mic. How much? I can put it in $150. Okay. And I don't know how much it costs to go spend the night of the hot springs. Probably another 150 is all we would need, I think, with transportation and eating out for a meal. We go out to dinner. We go out for all the meals or just one meal? Maybe a dinner and a breakfast.

Okay. I don't know what the finances would look like other than I know you can contribute $150 and I can contribute to the rest. How's that sound? It sounds good. That sounds great. Okay, great. High five each other.

Great job. You made a decision. Miraculous. I like when you two are decisive. No more dangling things. No more sending text messages. Just like, yeah, we're done. it's done. And now you're each off to the races. Jake's going to show up on this date. Hannah's

going to book the thing. You both know how much money. Like there's no more questions. What does that feel like? Feels good. It feels really good. Yeah. I love seeing the two of you in this situation. When you compare what you just did to some of the other conversations you've had, which seem to go in a circle, what's the difference? the conclusion, I guess. I know where I'm coming from and he knows where he's coming from in terms of what he can spend and what I can spend. Yeah. You're being honest with yourselves and honest with the people around you. This, I'm gesturing with just talking, talking, talking, talking, is not honest.

Because when you just talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, you're not even honest with yourself. You haven't taken the time to introspect and say, like, what do I really want? or what is my boundary? What do I not want? Remember this moment because this is where I want you to be working towards, especially with easy decisions like groceries and hot springs. These are easy. Life will present you with much harder decisions, much bigger decisions. And what you're doing with something like this is building the skills of being able to talk about those complex things. Let me share the follow-ups from Hannah and Jake. Hannah wrote, I was surprised by the fight or flight response I had for the remainder of the interview.

I did not predict that I would be in the hot seat when I signed up to do the podcast because my partner is stressed about money on a regular basis and I am not. I personally do not question if I want to be in a relationship with Jake. On the contrary, I enjoy living long-distance part of the year because it has allowed both of us to work longer hours and delve deeper into our careers while also maintaining the excitement and passion in our relationship. One of my takeaways was that my partner wants to stay where he is financially, regardless of the panic and meltdowns I witness before most purchases he makes. When he reaches out to me for assurance, I still don't know if I should pay for anything like his classes if he is stressing out, or put my therapist hat on and help him work through his own feelings.

If and when I approach money conversations, I will make sure to have the what, when, and how written down beforehand. Jake wrote and said, I was surprised by how unspecific our rich life vision was. I look forward to refining and dreaming about our rich lives. A major takeaway of mine was the importance of conclusions and concrete decision-making. I need to stop putting off decisions. If you and your partner are interested in having healthier conversations about money, I'm going to be talking about that this Saturday on my free newsletter,

IWT.com slash podcast newsletter. I'm going to show you how to start having those conversations and what to do if something potentially goes wrong in those conversations. Get on the newsletter at IWT.com slash podcast newsletter. Thanks for listening. Thanks for watching and I'll see you next time. Thanks for listening to I Will Teach You to Be Rich. I'm Rameet Seity.

Please follow the show on Apple, Spotify, or wherever you listen to podcasts. If you haven't read I Will Teach You to Be Rich, my book, pick up a copy. You can get it at any bookstore or any library, and it will show you the specific tactics for how to build the I Will Teach You to Be Rich system into your personal finances.