Money For Couples with Ramit Sethi - 141. “We only have $2k in savings but she can’t stop going to the mall”

Episode Date: January 30, 2024

April and Kevin are in their mid thirties with two kids. They’ve been married for twelve years and Kevin recently came across a good book on finance—one which empowered him to learn more about their finances. What he found shocked him, and has driven deep cracks in their marriage. This episode is brought to you by: Calm | Go to https://calm.com/ramit for 40% off unlimited access to Calm’s entire library. Facet | Get affordable, accessible financial planning with a flat fee membership. For a limited time, the $250 enrollment fee will be waived when you sign up at https://facet.com/ramit. Masterclass | For unlimited access to every class and 15% off an annual membership, go to https://masterclass.com/ramit. Fabric by Gerber Life | Protect your family today with Fabric by Gerber Life. Apply today in just 10 minutes at https://meetfabric.com/ramit. Rocket Money | Stop throwing your money away. Cancel unwanted subscriptions – and manage your expenses the easy way – by going to https://rocketmoney.com/ramit. Connect with Ramit Get the Podcast Newsletter and exclusive Q&A about the show Get Money Coaching with Ramit  Download the Conscious Spending Plan Listen to my book—now on Audible Get my New York Times best-selling book Get my no-numbers journal Other episodes Instagram Twitter YouTube Submit a question for the newsletter iwt.com/askramit  If you and your partner have a money issue and you want my help, I occasionally select a couple to work with, free of charge. Apply for my help here. Produced by Crate Media.

Let me share some of the coolest ways that my community has recently used money to live a rich life. One member did a month-long honeymoon in Europe after deciding she didn't want a big wedding. Another member bought a VW SUV that was their dream car that they've wanted for years. And another member made a rule that any time she buys a ticket for an event, she always buys a second so that she can bring a friend. These are just a few examples of how my money coaching members have built systems to use their money. Notice that there's no more anxiety, that they have a smooth running system.

They know when their debt's going to be paid off. They can feel comfortable spending on the things they love. They can actually spend less time on their finances while living an amazing life. In my money coaching program, members also get access to live events every month, including topics like money with aging parents and how to create amazing vacations.

That was one of my favorites where I shared how I saw, spend my money on travel, plus Q&A directly from me. If you want to start building your rich life today, join us and get instant access to our back catalog of years of live calls. Check out IWT.com slash money coaching to join now. That's IWT.com slash money coaching to join the program right now. Are your kids poor? No, they're not, because we're not.

Let me ask April that, actually. What would you consider yourselves financially speaking? We're not like broke, we're not like poor, poor, but at the same time, I mean, we're barely making ends meet. So like, what would you call that? Poor. For me, I feel like you're poor if you can't go, like, if you have to check price tags or, like, not being able to go out or I don't care about them. And so I don't see how much we're spending. Like I see that, it's not a lot, but then it accumulates and then you don't have to be.

me. And why are you upset? Because I'm the issue. Meet Kevin and April. They're both in their mid-30s. They have two children and they've been married for 12 years. Recently, Kevin learned how money worked. And suddenly he's in a big hurry to take control of their finances. The problem is that April has no interest in it. She avoids talking about money. She continues to overspend. And this is causing a big problem. As you listen today, I guarantee there's going to be points that you're frustrated at. I know that I was frustrated. What I want to do is encourage you to listen, to push through, because there's some real insights that you can gain from this conversation. I have a lot of admiration for the guests who show courage in coming on here and talking about something

as intimate as their personal finances. I ask you to respect that. And of course, I'm not going to put up with any rude comments on my social media. Instead, I ask, that we have some constructive comments. Let's get to our conversation with Kevin and April. So we were at the house and I was asleep and he was awake checking, I guess, the bank statement. I heard him say something like, oh, shit or like something frustrated. And so then I woke up fully and he told me about the whole that I overspent and that I needed to figure it out because we were like past like I guess negatives.

We went to work. We came back and hope I was thinking he wasn't so mad, but it was the opposite. He was still like very mad. And then what happened? Well, he got a piece of paper and a pencil and told me to figure it out how we're going to pay for the credit cards. What did you do?

I tried to ignore it at the beginning and then I was just like, uh-huh, and just avoiding it. And yeah, the people was there and I was there, but I wasn't really doing anything. And then you started to do it. What happened then? Well, I realized that we were like in the negatives and that I did go past what I was supposed to spend. So I was trying to get money here and there to see how we can pay it off. Well, we're still there.

That's the situation right now. Yes, don't mean. got paid was the house, otherwise the credit cards are still there. How much did you overspend on the credit card? Like a thousand more from what we agreed that I was going to spend. Which was how much? 500. Okay.

So instead of 500, you spent 1,500 in one month on the credit card. Yes. Okay. All right. Kevin, what was going through your head when you logged in at night? The frustration came because that's a discussion. we've had repeatedly for the past couple of months. And once again, we were in the same situation.

We were in the red, like in a dark red. I figured it out the past couple of months by moving money out of the savings, unfortunately. This time I'm not. Hopefully, this time, by her doing it, she's going to open her eyes and be like, whoa, what kind of situation are we in? Okay.

And what's the resolution? Has there been one? Probably tonight or tomorrow. we're good to pay 90% of it. We should be good. Okay, okay, okay. All right. So there is money.

You found a solution that almost covers it. And if there's 10% left, you'll get to it next month. Is that correct? Yeah, that's not what I want because for the past what? We've been debt three, like truly no credit card going months after month for the past nine months now. What was going on before nine months? How much credit card debt did you have? Love?

Like 10K? Yeah, 10 probably. So traveling and things for the house. We had recently bought the house, and so we were getting things. But the same dynamics overall, I would say. Yes. Wait, what do you mean? When you buy a house, that's it.

There's no additional cost whatsoever. Everybody told me that on the internet. Oh, well, like accessories for the house. Did you not have money set a house? side for that? No, not. No. What was the most expensive thing you got for the house? The couches, I guess. No, the mattress.

How much? Like 1K. Right. Something with that. Hold on. Kevin, thank you for not speaking up. April, I want to ask you, were you the ones who made the purchases? We both did, yes. Okay. When you buy stuff, do you look at the price? Sometimes, yes.

Okay. I mean, majority, yes, but it accumulates because, like, let's say I buy a top for like 20 bucks, but then I have to get jeans and something that matches. Okay. Shoes. I don't mind. I get the feeling you think I'm going to judge you for buying an outfit. Am I reading that correctly?

Because it's multiple outfits, and that's the reason why we're here. Okay. Can we recalibrate what's going on here? I feel like you're playing defense against something I haven't even said. You're worried that I'm going to come and berate you. I wouldn't be good at my job if that's what I do. My goal is not to come on here and tell you you're wrong. My goal is to help you come up with a solution to what's going on here.

Is that fair? Yes. Okay. So I'm not here to criticize. I'm here to help. Okay. Tell me about the travel. So Kevin's from Europe.

our first one was born there. And so to me, I feel like they should always go to, like, their roots, never forget where they come from. Since that was, like, my first year teaching, I felt like I deserved, like, the entire sacrificing nights and graduating at, like, 30 with two kids. I decided to go to Europe with the kids for the summer. And so Kevin only went for, like, two weeks, but. I stayed there and we rented a car for the two and a half months we were there and we went to visit other cities. How was it? It was amazing.

Yeah? Yes. What was your favorite part of that trip? I think just being back there and reliving the experiences that I had but now with the kids where we got married, the park, the food, the restaurants, everything. I'm getting on the on the talis, on the railway, the train, just because they were so obsessed with it. Yeah. How old are the kids? One is 10 and the other one is seven.

I love seeing the smile on your face when you kind of talk about these expansive things about traveling and taking the kids. I love it. What part did money play in the planning of this trip? Not much. It was just like a swipe and forget about it, like until we come back. I didn't even think about anything, to be honest. I was just like shopping and going places. Okay.

And what happened when you got back and you looked at the credit card bill? Oh. Well, shocked. It's easy to just swipe and not think about it. And then once the numbers are there, it's like, oh, oh, shit. Here's what we've learned so far. April is an avoider. You can hear it loud and clear.

She doesn't know what they spend. She doesn't know what the bills are. And even when Kevin realized that she'd overspent again, and he handed her a piece of paper to figure it out, what did she do? She simply sat there with the paper in front of her. You can notice that she seems hesitant and at times embarrassed. And so what I tried to do is I try to recalibrate our conversation

because I really need her engaged. Finally, I noticed that when we talk about her clothes and her kids, April lights up. Very important. Keep that in mind as we continue on. Don't go anywhere. We'll be right back after this. Just guess the average wait time to see a doctor in the United States. I'm not talking about a specialist, just a regular standard family doctor. You think it's a week, two weeks? Nope, it's over 30 days. So a lot of times, whatever symptoms you have are going to be gone or maybe worse by the time you get to that appointment. I don't want you to have to wait weeks to see a doctor.

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Zokdoch.com slash Rameet. And I want to thank Zok doc doc for sponsoring this message. Let's get back to the conversation. I was pretty much minimum wage. Really? I was mid-level management. retail, so that's not much. How much did you make per year back then?

50,000. Okay. So what was life like back then? We were living at her parents. Wow. Okay, hold on. Now I'm like, I did not know this. You were making 50K and April, were you working at the time?

No, I was at school. You were at school. Okay, what type of school? I want to get my bachelor's degree. Okay, got it. So you were not working. You were staying at your parents. So you had, I assume, no rent.

Is that correct? Very minimal. 200, so it wasn't anything. What about child care expenses? The kids were in school, so it was free. Okay. So your expenses were pretty low. Yes.

And what was life like? Were you fighting about money? No, it was amazing. Whoa. Tell me more. Well, because my parents would, I mean, if we ever want to go eat, they would pay or food they pay.

Like, the only thing we needed to pay them was like 200 a month. And so the entire paycheck was for us. Okay. What'd you do with the money? Close or when we went out. And then what happened? Like, why not stay there forever? No, because it was time to move on.

Just the kids were growing. We were, my parents' house was too small. Okay. So once I graduated, and I started my job, that's when we bought the house and reality hit our faces. What was that reality? That I, a little by little goes to like a whole bunch of like thousands on death. And yeah, that it's overspending.

It's so interesting because when you were living with your parents, you had less money, way less money, but you're, expenses were very low, like almost zero. So then your income household income increases a lot. Yes. But your expenses went up. Yes. And what else changed or what else stayed the same? Something about your spending, April? Well, my spending increased. Yeah. Why did it increase? Because I was making more. And what does that mean to you? It means like being able to swipe it and not think about it. Yeah, because I worked hard and therefore finish a sentence. Work hard so you could spend hard.

Oh, whoa. Okay. Damn, that was a question. I thought you were going to say, I work hard so I deserve to treat myself. But you said, work hard so I could go hard, spend hard. I have them in my classroom. We'll work hard so you can shop harder. You have that sign in your classroom?

Yes. What? What do you think? What lesson does that communicate? Wait, hold on. What age are you teaching? Nine year old, third grade. Say this sign again for me, please.

Work hard so you can shop harder in the little library of my classroom. Sometimes I have to spend four hours digging out a clue from someone's great grandmother. And then other times there's a sign, literally a physical sign.

Well, it took like another year to now actually pay everything off. And when you finally paid it off, did you know that it was paid off? Yes, because I froze the other account where, like, the credit card that I use, it's frozen and it's to not be used. Okay. Who did that? You or Kevin?

The freezing one? Me. Okay. You froze your own account? Yes. I still have it, but I don't use it. Why? one like the interests are way higher on that one and then we ended up getting a different one

ones that we're currently using a chase and a Wells Fargo Wells Fargo yes Kevin read your book and he and it was one of the like the good ones that have the points or like the better interest you know Wells Fargo takes advantage of people who look like you and me. You know that? Yeah, they do. They're predatory and they were fined by the government billions of dollars for going after minorities, people of low income. Kevin knows after he read the book. Did you read the book? I did. April, how about you? I got to chapter one or two. Okay, it's further than most, at least on this show. Okay. All right, so you froze

the account, you have a new credit card, the one that you've stayed out of debt until just now. Yes. Would you say that you're here because Kevin wants to have this conversation, or is it you as well? Kevin wants it and I, I mean, I want it too because we can't go on like this. How come? We have two kids and I want to say where they're education. but because of my overspending, we can't. Okay.

That's a good reason. But just to push on that for a second, you said we can't go on as we've been going. Yes. Why not? It doesn't seem that bad. We're breaking even and we can't give the max that we could for the kids. Mm-hmm.

I think we've worked very hard. Well, we went through a lot of stuff. We worked very hard to be where we are. And yes, we don't have. We are not high earners, but they shouldn't be our life right now. We shouldn't be bickering. We shouldn't be fighting over bullshit stuff, you know? And then during the application, I've been trying, like your book recommends,

to have your money dates, to have the money conversation, and it's a complete shell, complete shell closing down. I cannot approach it. What does that mean, shell? Describe that to me. that April completely closes down. So tell me you say what and then what is her reaction? I tried to approach with my beautiful spreadsheet.

It did not work. What? Hold on, hold on. Let's let that settle for a second. This man takes a lot of pride in his spreadsheet. Okay. And for anyone watching April just completely touched his heart. That's their third child. And then she rolled her eyes.

Amazing. So you have a beautiful set of spreadsheets. Yeah, it's just a recap of our spending for the month. And we tried talking about it from there. Didn't really work. There is no really reaction. And at some point, there are emotions coming in from her. And I'm like, oh, I did something wrong.

Emotion, like what kind of emotions? Tears. I cry. Why? I don't know. I'm just seeing it. Like I see that. It's not a lot, but then it accumulates and then he's unhappy.

So I'm upset also, so I cry. The next month is the same. And why are you upset? Because I'm the issue. Is that true? How so? Because I'm the one that goes to the school with the kids and where they'll purchase her. Purchasease it.

So I'm the one that's buying the stuff. Kevin and April had an interesting situation where they were living with her parents, and even while they had low incomes, they were paying almost nothing for housing and child care. And they described that as amazing. But then when they started earning more and their kids got older, they moved up. And that's where the problems began. What do you make of that? You remember how I talk about people being artificially subsidized? This, right here, is an example of that.

because they never really had any expenses, they never had any skin in the game, so they never had to actually figure out how to make financial choices within their means. This is one of the reasons that I insist both partners talk about money and engage with money. You cannot just have one partner doing it because the other one then becomes artificially subsidized. Not only that, one day when one person gets hit by a bus, that partner is left grieving and totally defenseless. Both partners have got to be involved. So what happened here with Kevin and April is they got released to the world

and they didn't know how to spend their money in a responsible way. Now, I don't mind that they didn't know. I don't mind. None of us are born knowing how to handle money. But what really matters is if they,

and specifically April, wants to change. If she does, I can help her. If deep down she doesn't actually want to change, there's absolutely nothing I can do for them. So what can I help you with? You're here. April, what can I help you with? And then Kevin will ask you the same question.

Well, for me, the financial commitment of not overspending. I think I had kind of a mini-midlife financial crisis or something like this. And like when you run the numbers, you're like, oh, shit, like it's not as bright as it looks. So we need to do something about it. And so we started. Hold on let me get this straight. You were making close to minimum wage for a long time. No problem.

Life was good. You were living with her parents. Right? When you don't save and you don't invest and you don't put anything into your 401k, you have more money. That's true. That's a very good point. All right.

So then you move, you get a house. But still, you're not fighting. There's no problems. But it was only when you started to get educated about money. Yes. that's when the fighting started. And I'm not going to lie. I'm usually the one initiating.

Okay. So this is quite interesting. April, when you think about getting educated about money, what does that mean to you? To have goals and to stick to them. But what happened when Kevin got educated about money? The fighting began. My crime began.

Yeah. So can I ask that question? again and you give me an honest answer. What does being educated about money mean to you? What happened? Well, like it was an eye-opener where, like, I didn't know I was spending that much and I really need to be committed to saving. Yeah.

Would it be fair to say that, like, are you committed to saving? I feel like I need to and I have to. Okay. know. Well, yes, like, I need to save and I need to stop buying things. You ever hear people say, like, I need to go to the gym? Yes. Do those people go to the gym? We don't. So, can I ask the question again? Because I asked, April, are you committed to saving money? And your answer was, I need to, just like I need to go to the gym. Yes, I'm committed. I don't know what that means. It's just a word.

look at my face. Do I look convinced at all? No. Are you convinced the way you're talking about it? I mean halfway, yes, I know. You can't make a big change if you don't believe in it. Yes. Yes.

That was fast. What just changed in the last 10 seconds ago? What happened? Well, yes, like I am and I need to and I have to. And yes. Okay. All right. I'll take you at your word.

I appreciate that. Cool. That makes my job. easier. All right, Kevin, so you got educated about money. You shined a light on what was going on, which previously, it was like having an attic where you never go up there. And it's like, ah, who cares?

There's nothing up there. And then one day you go up there and you're like, oh, my God, there's like 30 rats up here and a spider web. And it's just like, this is insane. What happened then when you shine the light? So the first thing I wanted was for her to start following me along, you know, not to be not to be alone talking about it and for her to understand

what some of the stuff means and so I tried to ask her to read a book. The book sat on her night stand for a month and every other day I was like, all right, so maybe one chapter a week. All right, did you read it today? Did you do? And nothing. And so at some point I gave up.

Looking back now, when you approached her excitedly about this book, what do you think her perception was? That's a good question. Why should I? Keep going? It's hard for me to put myself in that place

because after reading it, I saw the benefits of it. And we were not in the same mind space at that moment, I think. Let me rewind for a second. Let's pretend I came to you five years ago, and I gave you this book. I said, you really should read it. So cool. What would you have done?

Not read it. Why? Because there was no point for me at that time. Oh, why is that? Why would there have been no point for you? Because it did not come to any realization that I needed it. Okay. Everything was going pretty well.

Wow. I think you're very perceptive. Now, let me ask the question to you again. When you handed that book to your wife and you asked her to read it, what do you think her experience was? What was she feeling? The same. Why would I need it?

Because? Because everything seems to go well. Right. But the part I do not understand is that before reading your book, the numbers were showing something different. And so I was like, all right, let's get, that's the first step to get help, you know? What if she's not ready to get help? What if she doesn't even see the need for help?

Then that's also a reason we applied. So for April, when you say everything is going fine financially for her, let's just assume that that's true for a second. We're going to check with her in a minute. Describe that. How are things going fine for April from her financial perspective? She can go shopping when she wants. She has been used in the past to eat out on the weekend,

and that's what was happening. I mean, there was zero consequences to any of the behaviors. Things are fine. Even though I know I need to save for the kids, we need to save, but it's not happening. What would she tell herself to reconcile those two things? I can do it later? Bingo. I can start later?

Yeah, I'll get to it later. We all do that. Oh, I'll go to the gym later. I'll clean the house later. I'll organize my desk later and on and on. That's so normal. That's as human as it comes. Now, let's check with April and see if any of this is true.

April? Yes, I think it's, we'll come back to it later or we can start later. There's no real reason for April to read the book. If I put myself in April's shoes, I'm thinking, life was great until my husband read this Godforsaken book called I Will Teach You to be Rich. then he started concocting this elaborate spreadsheet trying to get me to sit down and look at these stupid numbers we get in fights all the time about money

I'm good I'm exaggerating but what do you think of the basic point yes I agree and then he bought the journal and we sort of started off and we didn't finish it I don't know I think it was for me like my dreams were about traveling while his were like about stability or investing. When I thought or when I think about money,

I don't think about that. I think about like the happiness about going places. How do you think Kevin feels that you won't engage with him on money? I'm in denial or just not interested. Allow me to be the person who is very direct with you. Kevin is telling you that he needs you to be interested in money for your family. Yeah. And at every turn, you are rejecting him.

How do you think that that makes him feel? Upset. What else? Angry, angry at me, frustrated with a situation. You want to ask him? How do you feel, Kevin? Kevin? Defeated. I'm going to say defeat it. It's just feeling alone, you know? The same way you've been feeling alone for a couple of other stuff. I feel alone in there and it's the way that we could like together we would make so much progress much faster. Here we are dragging back and I don't know. I have the feeling there is no long term, you know? Yes.

Like it's the short terms Oh, let's spend that At the mall Let's go Let's go eat out Friday, Saturday, Sunday But in my mind It's amazing I would love to go to Disney

To Africa to Bora Bora To Europe to Italy Whatever But But like this year We're not going to be able to go on vacation And that's sad That's extremely sad to me

If you're watching on YouTube You'll notice that we've added a commit counter. Guys, just saying I need to commit does not do anything. I can't go up to the top of a building and say, I want to fly and then jump off a building. It's meaningless.

It's just a word. When you say things like, I need to change, I need to save more, we need to do this, I shouldn't buy that. You know what you're doing? People do that because they feel guilty and saying those things

is a way of self-flagellate of punishing themselves because they've been bad. The problem, of course, is that guilt is not an effective emotion for behavioral change. And over the years, we are very clever at how we adapt to get the things we want. I want to buy a new outfit. But deep down, I know that my husband or my wife told me we can't afford it. Ah, I know what I'll do.

I'll tell myself for two months, I shouldn't buy it. I shouldn't be bad. And then after doing penance, I'll buy it anyway and then tell myself, that was really bad. I need to be good next month. Does this sound weird to anyone else? It's really weird to me. And it's exactly how so many of us do things in America. Let's take a quick pause for a message from our sponsors.

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and I have an incentive to endorse FACET as I have an ongoing fee-based contract for cash compensation based on this endorsement. All opinions are my own and not a guarantee of a similar outcome. Let's get back to Kevin and April. April has just learned that Kevin feels defeated when he talks to her about money.

Listen to her reaction. How do you take that, April? well upset too because we're partners and we're supposed to do things together what did he say when he told you how he felt defeated what else well like upset basically upset with him not sure he said that what exact words did he say well

he said defeated that's one what else I don't know. It's a whole bunch of things, like things that I should know, but I don't, I don't follow through. I think if you really want to change, step one is to actually listen to what your partner is saying. I'm not good at this. I know I need to do this. I'm overspending. You're repeating this old story. Would you agree? Yes. When Kevin comes to you and he talks about money and then you instantly go, I know I need to save more. I know it's my fault.

What does it get you? I'm in the loophole. But why do you do it? What strategic thing does it get you at that very moment? I guess he doesn't force it or like tries to go past it or like avoids it for next month. Exactly. And so what does that get you? Screw up ticket for next month. It gets you a huge sigh of relief, doesn't it?

Yes. And I think that it allows you, as you put it, a ticket, get out of jail free ticket for the conversation to end because now it's about you. That allows you to not confront the real issue, which is the need to engage with money. that seems highly destructive to a relationship where you want to grow together. Yes. What if you could do that? I mean, I hope I can. Let me ask the question again.

What if you could do that? It would be amazing. Okay. What's stopping you? Overspending on a necessary thing. Why? Because I just want instant gratification instead of, like long term.

Now we're getting honest. Let's talk about your family. What do you remember hearing your family talk about when it came to money as you were a child? My dad's a big saver. He doesn't really like to do anything because he just likes to save. Okay. So my mom was a stay-at-home mom until I was in middle school and then she started working. But before, when she was in.

Mexico, she was a teacher. Okay. Like you? Yes. Well, my mom likes to also save, but she also likes to shop. Okay. So, keep going. Macy, Sears, 579, every.

All of them. Yes. Like, how often would you go shopping at the mall? Like once a week. Once a week. Okay. How do you feel about those memories? How do you feel?

Oh, like heartwarming memories and awesome childhood. Yeah. There's a lot of love in those times with your mom. Yeah. You still go shopping with her? Yes. How often? She's my go-to shopper like once a week.

Oh, still? Okay, this is interesting. Where do you shop now? At the mall still? Same place. In same places, yes. Sometimes she buys me stuff and other times I buy it myself. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Were you spoiled as a kid? I'm not spoiled, but they would buy me stuff. Kevin, what was that look on your face? Yes, she was. Based on the size of her closet, I've never seen a closet like this. Wait, this closet that you currently have? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Can I see this closet? April, please.

Will you take this computer into the closet? Would you be willing to do it? Sure, yes. Oh my God, amazing. Hold on. I have to take a deep breath. Okay. Okay, April, take us with you, but let's go slowly. Like, do not move the camera fast.

Let's go really slow through the house and just take us to your closet. Oh, okay. So, okay. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Okay. This is like, this is the greatest moment in my life. First of all, shows to shoes. Okay.

I like to wear flats. Okay, okay, okay. Just hold on, I need to take a deep breath. So this is your closet, April? Yes, yes, it is. Okay, so let's start from one side. Just break it down for us. What are you looking at?

The dresses that I bought that I'm going to tell myself that I'm going to wear because I have to. You notice the tags. They have tags on them? Yeah, yeah. All right, what's next? The pants, short dresses. um blouses

okay comfortable t-shirts regular t-shirts other short-sleeves blouses well now it's mixed my leisure pants

what's that working out oh okay yeah okay just relaxed okay leisure wear the sports ones where we used to go to the gym the shorts are summer clothes and my winter clothes.

Winter? Wait, where do you both live? Well, my point exactly. Wait, where? For real. In Houston, Texas. So, April, if you can just like step out of the closet and just give me a full look inside it, yeah, perfect. So right here, this is perfect.

When you look at this, what do you feel? Happiness. Uh-huh. What else? memories that we've had wearing the clothes. Uh-huh. I don't know, feeling nice, looking nice. When you come here in the morning to get dressed, how do you feel?

Happy, joyful. Like, I just look at the clothes and I'm like, oh, I did a good job buying it or, you know. Awesome. All right, let's go back to the area you were sitting. Kevin, did you want to add anything to what April just shared? No. I mean, it's overwhelming enough as it is, I think. Is that the word you used to describe it?

Oh, it's too much to me. I see. Unnecessary. Wow, that's kind of interesting, right? Because to April, that's one of April's points of pride. And Kevin, to you, you're saying it's overwhelming and unnecessary. Gosh, do you think that that might have anything to do with the way that both of you see money? I think we see it completely differently based on,

upbringing based on the culture, based on a lot. And we need to, how do you say it in English, cross that bridge to be together, you know? That was incredibly fascinating. In America, it is somewhat intimate to invite someone into your house. It is extremely intimate to talk about your finances. It's a thousand times more intimate to invite them into your closet. It's funny. My wife Cassandra runs a personal styling business at next level one.

Wardrobe.com. And she tells me all about the psychology of people's closets, how it represents their memories, their aspirations, like wearing a fancy dress one day or being able to fit into a pair of jeans from eight years ago. And she tells me how much overwhelm it produces for people literally every single day. I learn from her how profound the psychology of our closets really is. That's why you saw me getting so excited for April to show me her closet, because I know that it reveals so much about what she values.

In fact, I'd say it's the first time she's really opened up to me today. Well, my dad doesn't really like to. When we were little, he would like to travel. As we got older, he started to get boring. So he just stays home and everything with him. It's like, oh, well, how much does this cost? How much is this? It's all about cost.

Yes. Okay. How does that make you? feel? Well, at some point I did have that into consideration growing up, but then I started making my own money and I was like, ha-ha, let me get it. Right. Can I translate? Tell me if this is accurate. Dad was obsessed with cost. I always had to tell him how much everything cost, cost, cost. Now that I earn my own money, I'm never thinking about that again. Yes. All right. What else happened as you got to be a teenager with money in your family?

I had a job since like 15, but it was just to cover, like, whenever I would go out with my friends, and otherwise my parents paid for everything. They paid for school until I got married. They paid for the car, the insurance, the phones. What did they say no about? Hardly nothing. Okay. They never said no.

Not that much. No. Do you ever say no to your kids? Not that much, no. Is that a problem or not? Yes. It's because they grew up and they're a me. What does that mean?

Well, they're going to overspend and not think about the consequences. I'm doing the same things that I grew up with. If we would go to the pharmacy and I wanted a candy, it was never, I know. It was like, okay. get it. Yeah. And so that's what I'm doing with them. I tell myself no, but then I don't want to break their little hearts. April, do you think that they think more things are better? Yes. Is that a good or a bad lesson for them to learn? A bad lesson. Why? Because it shouldn't be like that. It should, they should be happy with what they have. Okay. And what about all

the things in your closet. I shouldn't be like that. When you said that, you knew you weren't telling the truth, right? Are you happy with money? No. So why are they going to be happy? Yeah, they're going to be upset. What else?

They're going to be upset that their parents didn't teach them, didn't guide them for the proper ways of dealing with money. April is very good at telling herself stories. All avoiders are, but they can only sustain those stories because they don't really face any consequences. If Kevin got hit by a bus and April had to figure things out without the support of her parents, she would figure it out in about one month. She would have to. But she doesn't have to, so she doesn't.

She uses a lot of shoulds. I should spend less. We should save more. but they're all just words. She even does it when I ask about her kids. Do they believe more things are better? Yes. Is that good?

No. What's going to happen? They should be happy with what they have. But really, mom's not happy with money. So how are the kids ever going to be? Kevin, I'd be curious to hear about your upbringing when it came to money. Where'd you grow up? In Belgium.

Okay. What's the financial culture like there? There is zero. You don't talk about 401K. You don't really talk about investing. Over there, you have a cost of living that is, I think, lower. But your salaries are much, much lower because you get, like, what, 60% taxes or 50-something deducted from your growth.

But at the same time, you have healthcare, you have retirement. So you really don't have to worry about that. And my bringing was zero. zero when it comes to money except from my grandfather. My parents got divorced very early on, and they thought about, how do you call it, child support. Oh, wow. So I had zero basis when it comes to money.

So when you think back to money as a kid, what did you feel back then? It's sad. It's sad because you don't get what your friends have. Used to play soccer. Yeah. Like, I was the only freaking kid without a, branded shirt without branded shoes and I'm like and then you see your parents fighting

for like what was it 200 bucks buying me close to go to school what the heck okay so what year did you move to the US so 2016 okay so you moved here 2016 before that we stayed for five years in Belgium her and I married oh got it okay But the weather was too depressing, so we moved back. But for my parents, not really much. My dad would spend all this money drinking. Okay. How about your mom?

She would try to make ends meet as much as she could. And a little bit like April, she would try to buy stuff to make me happy, you know? It would be what? PlayStation, Internet when it was fancy to have Internet. Did it work? I was not happy. now I don't want that for my kids ever for them to have the same feeling of

how do you call it deprivation to feel like oh am I poor are your kids poor? No they're not you laugh no they're not because we're not because we're not let me ask April that what would you consider yourselves

financially speaking Well, we're not, we're not like broke, we're not like poor, poor, but at the same time, we're not making, I mean, we're barely making ends meet. So, like, what would you call that? Poor. Notice the huge disparity between how they characterize their own finances. Kevin laughs at the idea of them being poor, but April has a totally different definition of it. We'll be right back. I spent over 20 years fine-tuning my core message from I Will Teach You to Be Rich

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number three. Now back to the show. Let's take a look at their numbers. You can follow along with your own free conscious spending plan template at IWT.com slash CSP. Was this the first time you've truly engaged with your household finances? Yeah, to be honest, yes. I don't like, I don't know what company we were on with the electricity or internet. I don't know any of that. And, I don't care about them, and so I don't see how much we're spending. Kevin, once you read off the word in bold and then the number next to it. All right. Assets, $335,300. All right. Next.

Investments, $44,268. Next. Savings, $2,381. And debt $302,000. Total net worth? $79,949. All right. Let's look at income.

All right. This one's going to be April. April. What is your combined gross monthly income? 11,596. That means that you make $139,000 a year. Since when did people making $139,000 a year call themselves poor? For me, I feel like you're poor if you can't go, like if you have to check price tags or like not being able to go out or spending.

I grew up with my parents not cooking Friday, Saturday, Sunday and it was fine. And it's something that I want to do. And it sucks that. Did they go to Europe for a month with the kids? We would go to Mexico like every break. Okay. That's different prices, right? Yes.

Did they have the same costs when it came to food, housing back then? Well, back then it was not, I mean, my dad was very strict about money, but then again, the houses didn't cost, like what they're costing right now. I think that you want to live a lifestyle that is out of step with what you make and also how you are spending money. Yeah, with the reality. Yeah. If you wanted to be able to eat out Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, you actually could.

You could. So you have to tell me what's important to you. That is the question I ask. What is your rich life? Vacations. And I think vacations is like the biggest one. Yeah. So what you're saying is you want these big, meaningful things to you.

What you're spending on is you describe them as unnecessary things. Things that fill up an already full closet. Why? Again, why do you buy them? Think about it carefully before you answer. It's like the instant gratification rather than thinking about the bigger picture. Yes. And where did that come from?

Where do you first remember feeling happy about buying clothes? With my mom. With my mom. Yeah. You're exactly right. Why did you make that sound, by the way? Tell me. Yeah.

That's how I am. This is why I can't have a job with adults because I'm always making faces. No, no. It's actually very revealing. It seemed to be like you were kind of cringing at a realization you were having. What was that realization? That it's like the, I mean, the things that I took from my childhood was like the instant gratification rather than the whole vacation or like saving up like I should.

They never taught you to save for a big purchase, right? No. Never. It was never talked about, right? No. Exactly. What was talked about instead? Look at those shoes.

I don't have to match. It's a very simplistic way of looking at the world. And honestly, you could go your whole life doing that. You could get three more closets and you can fill up your life. life and you could do it. I think there's two problems. Number one, you will be living a life that has not functionally changed since you were 13 years old, which to me is living a smaller life than you have to.

Two, it's going to cause extremely difficult rifts with your family. Yes. Specifically with Kevin, but also with your kids. Yeah, I mean, it's true. they're probably going to go through the cycle that I've been through, and it's not in the whole case cycle. April just had a breakthrough there. Earlier, she said, I think we're poor because not being poor means you can go and buy whatever you want at any time. If she truly believes they're poor, then what is her alternative?

She doesn't want to save money because saving takes too long, and she really has never been taught the skills of it. But rather, if she's got a little bit of money, might as well go spend it. because easy come, easy go. This is very common among people who grew up without money. Do you see the connections here? It's like a cobweb linking everything together. Her mom showed her love by going out shopping and paying for things. In fact, her mom still does that.

April feels love when she buys things, especially clothes and especially things for the house. And now she's raised kids who are spoiled because they think more is better. April lacks the skills and the willingness to say no to them, but even no to herself. Let's dig a little bit more into the numbers. Their fixed costs are 65%.

Their housing percentage is 22% of gross. Debt payments are $335, which includes student loans and a second loan for master's degree. And their car payment is $350. That includes one Nissan and gas for a paid-off Mazda. Groceries are what the fuck, $1,800 bucks a month? Insane. What is this?

Organic milk, organic eggs. It's insane. Who shops? Both of us. Yes. Who wants to break it down from me? We have more animals to feed. We have a total of six.

Rameet's theory of American pet owners is they never, ever stay with one species of animal. They get a dog, and then they instantly switch species, cross species, across the entire taxonomy. So it's like a dog and a cat or a dog in a gerbil, a dog and a parrot. So tell us what kind of animals do you have? So right now we have a snapping turtle, a red ear slider, two African tortoises, the bearded dragon and the dog. You literally got every species on the planet.

What's a red-eared slider? What is that? So it's like the typical, like the water turtle that have the red patch on the ear. Okay. Why do you all have so many animals just out of curiosity? I love animals. I believe that they shouldn't just survive on kibbles, so they have a variety of food.

Like what? Please tell me. Crickets, roaches, worms, lettuce, rumine lettuce. Oh, I guess I was less interested in what they eat. How much does it cost? 200, maybe, at most. Per month?

At most. Can we agree that you're probably just like spending a lot? lot on human food. Is that fair? Yes. All right. Like, what's the big stuff? The meats. Yeah. Meets and drinks. Meets and drinks. Of alcohol. Oh, those kind of drinks. Yes. Those kind of drinks. Yeah. Are you guys drinking because you want to forget about how you have not contributed to your retirement account? Is that what's happening? No, he's built in and I'm Mexican. That's good, though. That's pretty good.

That's a good answer. Okay, can I just ask you, like, setting the animals aside, like, how much do you think that another couple with two kids spends every month on groceries? 11,100, 1,000. Okay. I think we can get by with something like that. What do you think, April? Yes, and it's funny, we bought a meal plan that,

It's like the frugal plan and we used it like once or twice and we haven't gone back to it. Why? It's easier to, we already have everything saved on our, on our like Walmart account. So we just click, we buy everything. And so we get the same stuff instead of like with the meal plan that we bought. It's like we need specific things. I get that. But that's interesting.

I love that you are using an app and just you can click reorder. I love that. I just wonder what would it take to go and cut, let's say, like, 500 bucks a month off of your grocery bill. Could you do it? Yes. I think we also buy too much meat and then it stays in the refrigerator and then we'll just throw it away. No, for me, it's commitment.

Uh-huh. Instead of being like, oh yeah, let's eat this and that. I mean, we got the meal planner or whatever. It's great. It's great. We haven't even given it a try. We haven't given it a try to be like, all right, let's reduce a little bit. Do you know why you haven't given it a try and committed to it?

I want to find the excuse of time, but I think it's just an excuse. Yeah, that's an excuse. What's the real reason? April, you're smiling, you know. It's the change. We're used to cooking this way. And so it's easier to cook the same thing rather than trying out the cooking. At least for me, I don't like cooking.

Yeah. You have no reason to change. There's no reason at all. You can click a button. You get all the food. Sure, you throw away a little bit of it and, you know, some of it goes bad. But life is still good. Pets are still fed.

Kids are still happy at school. They get their chocolate. Kids here are happy. They get their juice. and there's no reason. So same as the finances, same as everything else. Exactly. There's not enough pain for you to make a change.

Same reason April doesn't want to cut back. The stakes are not high enough. Life is fine. How do you raise the stakes? I don't raise the stakes. How do we do it as a team? Let's ask April. Ask her.

I'll listen in. Hello? Yes, hello. How do you think we raise the stakes? For the food? For everything. The food is just an example. Giving 100% both.

How? How? How? I don't commit to it. Try this. Try this. You're on the right track. I'm going to just give you a little guidance. What would need to happen in order for us to actually.

actually make a serious change with our groceries. The full commitment, the 100% commitment. Specifics. Like something I can see in your house or happening, something I could write down on a clipboard, something I could draw. I think it's the fact of like seeing the vacation budget going up rather than going down to see the growth in that.

I could draw that. I could draw that. You could see that. You could see a vacation budget. In fact, you could have one of those little thermometers that's like, Bora Bora, we're only 38 months away, that kind of thing. Would that be motivating to you? Yes.

I love the idea of the thermometer and establishing our common goal. We have a goal together and we go towards it. Now, we've got to pick a number for the actual amount you're going to spend. What number are we putting here? What do you think, Love? 1,000? But that's like per month? Per month, yeah.

I would put 1,200 to start with. No. Okay. So you're going to cut 600 a month off. Yeah, okay. That sounds good to me. All right. I'm going to do it.

Let's just see what happens, okay? Instead of 1,800, April, look up here at the fixed cost number. This is the number we're really caring about. But instead of 1,800, we're going to do 1,200. Oh, my God. It goes down from 65% to,000. to 58% fixed costs. That's a big deal.

All right. Well done. I think you actually can do $1,200 a month. I think that's totally reasonable, although you currently have only $2,000 of savings in your mid-30s with two kids and like 50 pets. So that's a lot of risk. That's a lot of, again, if something goes wrong,

it's basically like you're driving 95 miles an hour. And so far is so good. but if you hit something, you're in big trouble. When I look at your current guilt-free spending, the spreadsheet, the conscious spending plan template shows that you can only spend $1,200 a month, but you're actually spending about $2,500 a month. Is that correct? Yes.

All right, so you're basically spending more than you make. Yes. I should have stopped. months ago? Like the correlation you're making are mind-blowing. It's, had never realized any of it, or even came close to

think about it that way. Do you see why when you gave her the copy of the book, there was no chance she was ever going to read it? Yeah. Do you see why when you show her a spreadsheet, she does not want to look at it at all? Yeah. And when you give her a piece of paper and say, do this,

she herself admits, April, what did you say you tried to do with that piece of paper at first? Avoid it at the beginning. Exactly. Do we all see why? April, what's the answer there? I guess because it was the cycle. Yeah, something you want to escape from as fast as possible.

I can't find a way for you to fall in love with it. That's what the journal is for. That's what you dreaming about it's for. But until you truly fall in love with what your rich life could be, you will forever be fighting back against your husband. You'll forever be fighting back against engaging with money at all. If you're spending $2,500 a month on guilt-free spending, what's the obvious solution here, April?

Not spending it and moving it to something else. Okay, tell me. What are you going to do specifically? Not like with regards to you like spending, not carry the credit card. actually have the cash. Okay, I like that. Wow, that's a good answer.

So you're going to take out the cash. How much you get to take out for a month? The plan was for me to not spend more than $500. They don't need so much clothes. I don't need so much clothes. Just buying the necessities instead of the wants. Do you want to go clean out your closet right now? Not right now.

Yeah, that's an honest answer. Yes. Seems like you're losing your breath right now, even thinking about it. Yes. Why is that? Stressful? Yes, it's stressful by not having to buy unnecessary things. But when you buy it, it's not unnecessary.

You want it. Having the needs from the wants. You see it and you buy it, right? Yeah. That's not going to change overnight. That's the skill you have to learn. Would you agree? Yes.

It's going to be challenging. Yeah. So if I put you in a mall with your mom who you've been buying stuff with for literally 20 years, what are the odds that you're going to walk out of that mall week after week, never having spent any money? I mean, like not a lot. It's low odds. Yeah.

So what do you want to do? You're essentially putting yourself in danger by doing that. Yeah. What do you want to do? Not go to the mall. How come you're not telling your mom about the financial part of it? I think that was more my dad. Do you want to keep that tradition up?

No. Okay, so maybe it's time to change it. So Kevin and I were decided that we need to save up for the kids' college and vacation. And we don't want to go on vacation if we don't have a sort of, certain amount saved. So we're committed to going towards this new change and spending less in order to have a more positive experience. Damn, that was nice.

That was seriously amazing. How did you feel saying that? It's tough, right? Yes. Like your heart's racing? Yes. Why? Tell me, what were you thinking?

Because it's something that my mom. Mom and I do together. It's like a little girls' trip. Yeah, it is. It's essentially a weekly vacation. Do you go, are you on offense in any part of your life where you're like, I'm really good at this and I'm really confident? Am I driving? Okay.

That's not an answer I expected. Okay. Tell me about that. I haven't been in zero crashes and I live in like the worst freeways of America. Okay. Sure enough. So you're a very good driver. You feel confident.

You know what's going on. You can read the road ahead of you. Yes. You have like a six cents almost and you're very alert. Okay, great. That feeling, what does that feel like? Are you sitting in your car like, I don't know who's going to turn their turn lane?

No? What are you doing instead? Tell it to me. No, I'm not a, I hate the people who break the lines. I just straight. And if I need to exit, I know that it's there. If I pass it, I don't zoom through it.

I just take the next exit and turn around and go. Wow. So what you're telling me is you plan ahead. If you need to take an exit, you're planning ahead. If you miss an exit for whatever reason, you're not panicking. You're simply adapting to what life threw at you and you're calmly making your way back to where you need to go. Yes.

Okay. That sounds incredible. This is actually a fantastic example. What would it feel like to do that exact same thing with money. I feel great. I feel amazing. Uh-huh.

I would feel accomplished. How would you do it? Like, tell me what you do. Let's take the, I'm planning ahead to take the on-ramp in two miles. What is the equivalent for money? I would be like not savings and having like the end in mind, but in a positive way.

And if something goes wrong with your finances, what do you do? Do you panic and just give up? No, continue. Uh-huh. Start from scratch. Uh-huh. go over again. Great.

Try to not do the same mistakes as previously done. Very nice. Love it. Beautiful. Bring that driving energy to what we're talking about because you can do that driving. That means you can do it with money. All right? Yes.

All right. Doing it together. I think we need to feed of each other's energy. Like, let's do it together. This is the goal. This is what we do it for. What can money do for you now? if done right, I mean, a rich life.

April's example of driving was so great. One of my favorite things to do on this podcast is to help people make the connection between an area they're good at and money, which they're typically not. Now, I know a lot of us grew up without any guidance about money. Some of us grew up with negative guidance about money, unhealthy role models. The thing about money is that there are so many ways to learn about it. Look, there's books. You can get them for free at a public library.

There's podcasts. There's YouTube. There's so many places to start. And so while I understand that there's a lot of things against us, even structurally so, I also want to encourage you to take some personal agency. You can learn how to be good at money. And that's really what's going on here. It's not as much about the numbers.

There's two dynamics that I saw. First of all, April is an avoider, a deep avoider. She's never had to face money. She's never had any consequences for it. So why would she change? Number two is that in a relationship, when one partner starts to make a big life change, you will often see a huge wedge being driven between the partners. Now, this frequently happens with weight loss or fitness.

This frequently happens with money. One partner will finally decide, I'm going to take control of money. Let's do this. And the other partner's like, why? We've been fine for the last 12 years. What's the problem? and as one partner becomes more and more advanced with money, they start to understand the consequences of not taking action

and all the costs of not doing anything for the last 12 years. The other one's like, why are you being like this? Why are you getting on my case? Things were good before you read this stupid book called I Will Teach You to Be Rich. The point is, if you make a change, you have to be very sensitive about how to encourage your partner to come along. And sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't work. Let's check out their follow-ups.

First, Kevin. What was surprising to me, the first thing was more of a shock when I heard April said that she felt that we were poor. I did not know anything about that. The second thing that was surprising to me is how quickly you were able to uncover the different dynamics at play with us. It hasn't been an easy couple of days, but I know we will make it through. Another thing that was surprising to me is basically the lack of engagement with money from April

and that if we want to change, we're going to have to act much more as a team. The first thing I learned is that change is extremely hard, extremely hard, especially when it's so deeply rooted into childhood behaviors, thing that we've been doing for the past 20 years, and it's going to require a lot of support, a lot of efforts to, change those behaviors. The second thing that I learned is that if we don't change right now, our kids are already 10 and 7, the same behaviors, the same patterns are going to be passed onto them. And that's not really what we want. We are going to create our own money rules that are going to work for us. And we are probably going to send you an update 2.0 in a month or two to see how things are going. And now April's fall. For me, what surprised me,

the most was the fact that I'm still doing the same things that I was doing with my mom 30 years later. And, well, that is a negative impact on me and on my family. I learned, I didn't even think about it, but about having like the negative negativity about money if it didn't come to shopping. And that's something I guess growing up by just the instant gratification with the money and then not thinking about anything else. for like having my dad with the, how much of this cost? What I am committed to change is being more proactive when it comes to paying for the credit cards. So that's something, and a step that we took this month

where I paid off all the credit cards. I checked the bank statement. So I think it's being more proactive with paying and then also with how I'm spending the money. So another thing that I'm committed to change is instead of carrying the cards with me, it's better to have cash. That way I'm not so tempted to swipe it and call it a day. So it's something that I'm committed to doing.

But thank you for everything. Okay. I appreciate their follow-ups, but I have to tell you, I wasn't really satisfied with what they said. I wasn't sure what they were actually going to do. So we sat on this episode for a month, and I asked my team to reach back out to Kevin and April to get another follow-up because a month later, I wanted to see what changes they had made.

Now, they sent me about a one-page letter. I'm going to read off some of the things that they told me. Kevin said, I changed jobs with a very minor pay cut, but on the flip side, I'm eligible for a 20K performance bonus, which I will work hard to achieve. April took on additional sessions, which will give us about $200 extra per month. Then they sent me a follow-up on their cover. commitments. I'm going to read you some of what they wrote to me. We decided not to meal prep

because it is just plain boring, but our monthly grocery bill is going to stay right at the 1K mark. April is really working hard on her shopping habits and has not bought any unnecessary clothing since our call. April is in charge of credit card statements and payments to make sure she stays on track. We have updated our CSP and will monitor it at least twice a year. We agreed that having a fancy vacation this year was not sustainable and we are now saving towards our next vacation where we're going to take the kids and go train hopping around Europe in 2025. Change is still really hard and we know that we will face challenges this year, but we are committed to being better together for our future.

Okay, Kevin and April, thank you for the update. I appreciate it. And I am happy to hear that you are making some changes. What I hear in this a month later is a lot of things that they will do. We will monitor our CSP twice here. We will try to achieve this bonus. April is really working hard on her shopping habits. But what I didn't hear were specific things that you have

already done. And after a conversation with me, that first month is the most fertile time where you are able to make huge changes and put systems in place. By the way, I also didn't hear anything about April shopping with your mom. That was a huge part of our conversation. And it's underneath so much of the dynamic of what's going on here. So I do appreciate the follow up. I'm not hearing a lot of specifics. And for everybody watching and listening, what makes real change happen is a strong, powerful vision, a reason why. And then specifics, vivid specifics and systems that help you make real changes. Just saying we will do this or talking about commitments, it's usually not going to be the key that changes things. Thanks again, Kevin and April. I wish the best for you. Please keep me up.

Thanks for listening to I Will Teach You to Be Rich. I'm Rameet Sey. Please follow the show on Apple, Spotify, or wherever you listen to podcasts. If you haven't read, I Will Teach You to Be Rich, my book, pick up a copy. You can get it at any bookstore or any library, and it will show you the specific tactics for how to build the I Will Teach You to Be Rich system into your personal finances.