Money For Couples with Ramit Sethi - 23. “I live in constant fear that our $425k income isn’t enough”

Episode Date: December 21, 2021

Lauren and Alex bring in $425,000 a year, and they’ve just invested in a $1.3 million dollar home. Alex feels like they’re flying high, but Lauren’s lost her sense of security. She wants to save for a beach house in Carmel, not invest in double-glazing windows. Their savings plan has gone awry, and all she can hear is her father’s phrase “It’s not how much you make, it’s how much you save” every time they have to make a big purchase.  What is stopping Lauren from being more secure? Listen for the cues. Do you think buying a shack on a beach will really wash away her deep-rooted financial fears? Connect with Ramit Website Instagram Twitter Facebook YouTube Linkedin If you and your partner have a money issue and you want my help, I occasionally select a couple to work with, free of charge. Apply for my help here. Produced by Crate Media.

If you or your partner has fallen for a scam, I want to help, especially if you've recently fallen for an email or text scam, or you've gotten bad financial advice from someone who did not keep their promises, or maybe you just have not even told your partner because you are embarrassed. If this is you, I want to talk. Apply for free coaching with me by being on my podcast. Apply today at IWT.com slash apply. That's IWT.com slash apply. Let me share some of the coolest ways that my community has recently used money to live a rich life. One member did a month-long honeymoon in Europe after deciding she didn't want a big wedding. Another member bought a VW SUV that was their dream car that they've wanted for years.

And another member made a rule that any time she buys a ticket for an event, she always buys a second so that she can bring a friend. These are just a few examples of how my money coaching members have built systems to use their money. Notice that there's no more anxiety, that they have a smooth running system. They know when their debt's going to be paid off. They can feel comfortable spending on the things they love. They can actually spend less time on their finances while living an amazing life. In my money coaching program, members also get access to live events every month, including topics like money with aging parents and how to create a business.

amazing vacations. That was one of my favorites where I shared how I spend my money on travel, plus Q&A directly from me. If you want to start building your rich life today, join us and get instant access to our back catalog of years of live calls. Check out IWT.com slash money coaching to join now. That's IWT.com slash money coaching to join the program right now. It just feels insurmountable right now because we have this new mortgage four cars, are we both making a lot of money? We are, but it still doesn't feel like enough. Getting into the house, there was more things that needed to be fixed,

more than met the eye originally. And it was overwhelming to me. I felt that same horrible feeling like, oh gosh, the spigot has been open, the money spigot, and it's never going to stop, like the faucet's never going to stop. I said, no amount of money that we make will make you feel secure. Because if we're making a million dollars a year, you're going to think, oh, we need two million or a million and a half.

And it's just going to keep escalating. I feel like I'll be complete if I can buy this beach house. How do you talk about money with your partner when the two of you can't even agree if you're doing well or not? Today, meet Lauren and Alex. Lauren is worried about money. She's constantly feeling like they'll never have enough. And ever since they bought their new house, all she sees is expense after expense.

And now she started to resent the house because every payment they make is one less dollar she can save towards what she really wants. And that is a beach house. She even tells me, I won't be happy until I finally get that beach house. Alex can't understand why Lauren feels scared about money. They earn $425,000 a year, and he's proud that they bought this $1.3 million house. He doesn't mind the repairs. He knows that's what comes along with an old house.

As you listen to today's episode, pay attention to the clues. You'll hear them in Lauren's profession, in her face cream, in the number of cars they have, and that dream of a beach house. I'm Rameet Seity, and this is the I Will Teach You to Be Rich podcast. So Alex, you feel like you're flying high. So why do you think that Lauren asked you to come to this recording? Well, I think that she thinks that we're not okay financially, that because we've taken on massive debt with buying a big property,

that that is a risk. And the future is always uncertain, whether it be I lose my job or I don't longer have work, just consumed by financial fear. And I think that that's why she's reaching out to you. How did you feel when she suggested coming to this? What was the emotions that went through your body? Are you kidding me? That's what was my first thought. I was like, we're doing great.

You know, there's no need for a coach. And I think that this is just another one of those reassurances. She needs to be constantly reassured. And if she's reassured financially that the decisions we have made that far are in the right direction, she will be able to sleep better at night. Give me an example of how you are fearful of money. Well, I would just rather not spend on big. life purchases such as a mortgage like we had to rent for two months while we were in

between homes and I kind of loved it I loved having no maintenance and just sucking money away in the bank I didn't have to worry about being a homeowner where just like anything could go wrong at any time and then I'd have to we'd have to spend money on broken pipes and broken this and broken that it just it just feels insurmountable right now because we have this new mortgage for cars yes Are we both making a lot of money? We are, but it still doesn't feel like enough. And I don't mean that in a way that like in greed,

but it's just like we are not really saving right now as much as I would like to be saving. You'll hear this a lot. You'll hear people saying, we're not saving enough. And they start spinning in their heads. We're not saving enough. If we don't save enough, we could run out of money. If we run out of money, we're going to be out on the street.

If we're out on the street, our kids will die orphans. And when you ask them, how much is enough? They're almost visually shaken out of their stupor. It's very easy for people to catastrophize about certain things in life, to focus on the very worst that can happen. And money is a really common example, mostly because we don't understand it. We don't know how to calculate how much is enough.

We don't understand compound interest. which is extremely counterintuitive. And candidly, most of the people who worry about money have never spent a single weekend reading a good book about personal finance. In their case, they could find the answer very quickly. They could then decide, is that enough for their rich life?

Is it not? But right now, Lauren is getting something out of this spinning, out of this catastrophe, and it's allowing her to take this frenetic energy and at least pretend to focus it somewhere. I feel like I'll be complete if I can buy this beach house that I want. Complete? I won't want another thing materialistically.

Alex, do you believe that? Honestly, I want to believe. I think that I've talked to her before about this. I think that money, wanting money, always leads to more. money. People's perceptions of money are highly uncorrelated with how much money they have in the bank. I talk to multimillionaires who feel poor. I talk to people of 50 grand, feel on top of the world, and vice versa. Highly uncorrelated your feelings. And the irony there is that many of us believe if we change the number in our bank account, our feelings will change.

rarely happens, rarely happens. In order to change your feelings, you know what you need to work on? Your feelings. I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that when you have told Lauren that, Lauren, we actually make a lot of money. It doesn't work. Is that a good? Yeah. It doesn't work, right?

No. And so when you did that and it didn't work, what did you do next? I said, no amount of money that we make. will make you feel secure. Because if we're making a million dollars a year, you're going to think, oh, we need two million or a million and a half. And it's just going to keep escalating. When do you remember first being afraid of money?

Oh, gosh. Probably like, it's my first memory. Like having to ask my dad for money for soccer cleats because my mom couldn't ask him. Why? He could not discuss money with my dad. What would he do? Blow up.

Blow up. He didn't have enough. He felt uncomfortable. What was it? I mean, he made as much money as Alex and I, but he also had a lot of, he had four kids and he just felt like, kind of like how I feel that it just never ends.

And all I would hear growing up is the outflow is more than the inflow. This isn't surprising at all. 90% of the time I can trace back your money beliefs to what your parents believed. And you have to recognize that your parents were probably not very savvy, financially speaking. These are what I call invisible scripts, these beliefs that are so deeply embedded that they're invisible. When you grew up, you absorbed random phrases your parents said. You might have heard them complaining about money. You might have heard them say phrases like money doesn't grow on trees.

It's hard for people to acknowledge that these phrases you heard 40 years ago can actually be controlling your behavior today. You know, people like to believe that they're in control of their behavior, that they're rational and logical. That if they believe something, it's because they weighed the evidence. And what we learn from social psychology is that that belief is largely bullshit. You think you put bananas in corn flakes because you just happen to discover that? No, it's because a banana company invented the idea of putting bananas in cornflakes about 100 years ago. Do you know why you feel certain ways about money? It's often because of something your parents said 40 years ago.

And this is humbling. because to truly change, you have to acknowledge that many of your beliefs are actually not yours. You just inherited them. There's a pretty cool TikTok trend going around right now that I really love. It's called admin nights. Basically, you get your friends together, you get some snacks, maybe some drinks, and you do all the infrastructure stuff in life that most of us skip over. If you're going to set up an admin night, here's my suggestion for you.

Use Zoc Doc to book your health appointments and you will be done fast. ZocDoc is a free app and website that helps you find and book high quality in network doctors so you can find someone you love. They have over 150,000 doctors across all 50 states in 200 plus specialties, including mental health, dental, primary care, whatever you need. Just filter for doctors based on insurance, location, ratings, even virtual care options and Zoc Doc appointments happen fast, usually within 24 to 72 hours. You can look through your options, book an appointment, and you are done. If I needed to find a new doctor today,

Zok-D-D-O-C is what I would use. Stop putting off those doctor's appointments and go to Zoc-D-com slash Rameet to find and instantly book a doctor you love today. That's Z-O-C-D-C-com slash Rameet. Zok-D-D-com slash Rameh. And I want to thank Z-Z-O-C-R-Ecter-Mee. And I want to thank Z-Z-Z-E-R-R-R-E-E. Doc for sponsoring this message. Just guess the average wait time to see a doctor in the United States. I'm not talking about a specialist, just a regular standard family doctor. Do you think it's a week, two weeks? Nope, it's over 30 days.

So a lot of times whatever symptoms you have are going to be gone or maybe worse by the time you get to that appointment. I don't want you to have to wait weeks to see a doctor. I want you to get seen faster by an in-network doctor using Zocdoc. Zocdog is a free app and website that helps you find and book high quality in network doctors so you can find someone you love. They have over 150,000 doctors across all 50 states in 200 plus specialties, including mental health, dental, primary care, whatever you need. Just filter for doctors based on insurance, location, ratings, even virtual care options. And Zocdoc appointments

happen fast, usually within 24 to 72 hours. You can look through your office. You can look through your options, book an appointment, and you are done. If I needed to find a new doctor today, Zoc-Doc is what I would use. Stop putting off those doctors appointments and go to Zoc-D-com slash Rameet to find and instantly book a doctor you love today. That's Z-O-C-D-C-com slash Rameh. Zok-D-com slash Rameh. And I want to thank Zok-D-D-K-D-Fonsoring this message. That sounds familiar, doesn't it? Mm-hmm. Yeah. What other phrases did he say about money?

Money doesn't grow on trees. Oh, it's not what you make. It's what you save. Wow. Mm-hmm. Do you see any connection to some of the phrases you said earlier on? Of course. Of course.

Believe me, I know I've got him living inside me. Even though I knew my dad was making a lot of money, we never felt rich. How much was he making? at like the height 20 years ago probably 450,000 a year? 450,000 a year in approximately the year 2000. That's a lot of money. A lot of money. And how did he feel about his money?

That he didn't have any. Yeah, yeah. And by the way, how much is your household income right now? $425,000. Are you hearing these similarities? Four kids, four cars. $450,000 income, $425,000 income. There's not enough money.

Both of them said that. It's almost like looking at yourself in the mirror. Let's find out why this house is causing so many problems in their relationship. We found this beautiful home from the 1920s that the design, was just incredible and we both fell in love with the house right away, you know, reminded us of our childhood, reminded us both growing up. I mean, I came from Chile, so when I was 10 and reminded me in my grandpa's house. She had same feelings with her grandpa. How much of the house cost? Uh, 1,381. Okay. And how did you both feel about the financial side of that?

We crunched the numbers. I needed some electrical work. I needed some some other things. We did the numbers and that was the most we could afford and still have money left over to fix it and then have money left over in our savings. So we didn't drain our savings to get the house. Very good. Sounds like you did actually a pretty thorough analysis, which is phenomenal. Lauren, do you agree with what Alex just said? No. So getting into the house there was more things that needed to be fixed that like more than me met the eye originally. And it was overwhelming to me. It was just beyond.

And I again, I felt that same horrible feeling like, oh gosh, the spigot has been open, the money spigot. And it's never going to stop. Like the faucet's never going to stop because it was just the one thing after another that you just don't realize when you're in the exuberance of, oh, my God, this house is so amazing. well, there was no appliances. There's no window coverings. There's a roof that was non-insurable. And it just felt like even though we'd run the numbers for a lot of the things, there were some things that we just overlooked, you know, just until you get into a new house, you just can't predict. What started happening at this moment between the two of you? Fighting. I was trying to control Alex's spending because he would just be like, oh, I called a contractor.

he's coming tomorrow and I'd be like, well, did you get an estimate? How much is this? And he said, oh, don't worry about it. It's fine. And I said, no, no, no, no, how much is it going to cost? And so then I started really micromanaging Alex's expenditures. And in his defense, I started lashing out by just like spending because I was just like, whatever, this is out of control. What? What was it that you went off to buy? Skin care. Face stuff, probably. Wait, hold on. This is, what skin care? What brands are we talking about here? La Mer, what are we talking about. Enseuticals. Oh, okay. What else? Not cheap. Thermatologist appointments.

Ah, okay. So this was basically, I'm going to do something for me, right? Why? Why were you doing it for you? Because it's not fun for me to spend money on roofs and appliances. And it's depressing. I think I was just seeking some sort of self-soothing. Yeah, that's pretty perceptive of you. You know, a house from the 1920s, it's going to have, it's going to need things, you know, it's a beautiful home. It's not a new house. So I always knew that there are going to be other things. You know, I mean, I could fix this house forever and never finish because it's old, you know, but the charm of the house is the fact that it's old.

A value of the home is going to increase, you know, and we're putting money into a home. We're not throwing the money away, basically. You mentioned being really at Rock Bottom before. What was Rock Bottom for you? Well, Rock Bottom is not having a job, being in debt, being in a failing relationship, and having to crawl my business. myself and reinvent myself.

And so now when you wake up and you look out the window of this charming 1920s house, what are you feeling? I feel empowered. I feel happy. I feel fulfilled. I feel that, wow, look at me now, you know, and look where I was. And look what I've, you know, put my hard-earned work. and look what I have accomplished.

So I know what it is to not have any money for food, do not have a place to stay and sleeping on people's couches and feeling like I was a total deadbeat. How did it get here? I did not know what to do at that time. And I always think of that moment. I always put myself in that very low moment. And then when I wake up,

up and look where I'm what I'm doing now, I can only smile. That's, you know, I appreciate that you can celebrate how far you've come. I think that's pretty cool. And that's something I wish more of us could do. So I think it's very cool to hear that. Thank you. Lauren, when you're looking through the windows of this charming 1920s house, what are you feeling? I need to replace the windows next because we're close to a street that's traffic and it looks like another dollar just like more dollar signs. I wake up and I look out the window and I think how much to the, how much to double plane windows cost? Because we need him.

Alex doesn't seem to be thinking that way at all about this house. What do you think about that? It makes me, it does make me happy for him, but to see him so happy because he does work so hard and he has worked harder than anyone I know. and he supports me in all of my endeavors. And it's not easy because I've taken on a lot of extracurricular degrees and other, like, not only do I work for, you know, what I do. I also teach.

I have like a lot of side hustles and he just supports me to everything. So I just think, okay, well, this is the one thing I can just, to see him happy, does make me happy. Do you think that his happiness has to come at the expense of your happiness? Well, it is right now. Why? Because he got his dream house and he has his dream car. And, you know, he's very generous. I have very nice jewelry.

I have very nice, you know, purses because Alex is very generous. But I feel like my main goal is that house that I can't have now probably for like 10 years. And if you can't have it for 10 years, what does that mean? That, I mean, I'm going to be old by the time I get it. 50 is old. What I told her. Well, but the people in our lives who I want to celebrate it with, like our parents and my nieces, like my nieces aren't going to want to come stay out at a beach house when they're 20.

My parents may not be alive. Our parents may not be alive. be alive. So it's, it just feels like water just going through my hands. And I feel like time is just running out. What is this concept of a beach house? Where does it come from? Well, Alex identified it for me that I'm just trying to recreate happy times in my childhood where we used to go out there. Well, we'll get, we'll get there. Okay. So we'll get to the childhood. Don't worry. It always, It always starts at childhood. But for you, when we talk about a beach house, is it a specific city?

Yes. Which city? Carmel. Beautiful place. All right. And do you know the exact part of Carmel you want to get the house? Yeah, I'm pretty open to it. I just want to be in Carmel.

So there are things that we could actually afford. Well, sorry, we could have afforded now not because of the expense outlay on this particular, on the house that we're in now. So I know exactly. I'm not even picky. I don't even care if it's a shack. So this is not about, you know, status. I don't want the $10 million house on the beach.

I just want the shack in Carmel and I'll be happy. So let me make sure I understand you correctly. You're not picky about your beach house. Or about the beach. And you are willing to have a shack. It just has to be in Carmel. Correct. Okay.

Alex, do you agree with that? Well, but I see there's a, there's like an oxymoron there with her statement because she says she wants the house in Carmel and she doesn't care that it's a shack. Okay, so a shack equals repairs, but she doesn't want. No, that's not true. Unless it's in Carmel. You see the problem, Lauren? Here, let me explain. I didn't want a fixer upper that is a primary residence because I have to work from home right now.

I don't want to be looking at mess all day long. But if it's my passion and in my heart, and like I've told you before, when we looked at those shacks that we were going to buy, I said, I'll go out there and I'll paint it. I will put the floors in myself. This is my passion project. Did I not say that? I did say that. You did. But, Remit, here, let me put it in perspective here.

Lauren doesn't really understand. I work in construction, what it takes to build a home, to fix something. Now, you say that, but when it comes down to it, it's going to be a lot more grand than what, when you think it is. You know, it's a lot more involved. You work in finance, not with your hands. So that's kind of like your will being. taking over reality in that aspect. And also to clarify,

our house that we just purchased, she makes it sound like it's falling down and it's like this bucket. The house is beautiful. So there's nothing wrong with the house except that maybe it needs new windows because the windows are old single pane glass. Other than that,

you could perfectly live in the house with zero upgrade because we already did them. Why is it that people who tell me I'm stupid on social media always have the profile picture of a jar of mustard? You think I'm going to take your advice about investing when your username is Pontiac Plummer 48? No, thank you.

Instead, I trust professionals when I need help with my business like you can do using Gelt this coming tax season. Gelt is a modern CPA firm that helps you take control of your tax strategy ahead of time. They'll help you think strategically, like how to structure your business, where to maximize key deductions and how to use the tax code to your benefit. Plus, their platform makes it easy to stay organized, working with your tax team year-round,

not just when deadlines hit. So whether you are a business owner, whether you are self-employed, this is the proactive move you can make now to save thousands next April. If you want this tax season to actually work for you, not against you, go to join gelt.com slash remit to get started. As part of this community, you'll even get to skip the wait list because this year it's not about catching up. It's about getting ahead. This episode of Money for Couples is brought to you by Wild Graeme. Do you have someone in your life who always tries to one-up you? Like if you bake a cake, they'll ask, hey, have you tried using hand-milled flour because it just tastes so much better?

You know, I prioritize my help. Hand-milled flour? Do you think I have time for that, Amanda? No. Thankfully, we don't need to because any of us can still have delicious baked goods and pastas without the hassle using wild grain. Wild grain is the first bake-from-frozen subscription box for artisanal breads, seasonal pastries, and fresh pastas all conveniently baked in 25 minutes or less. You just take it out of the freezer, put it straight in the oven, no thawing, no prep, no stress. You can even customize the box, picking between classic, gluten-free, or plant-based. My colleague recently went gluten-free and tried one of their boxes. They sent her gluten-free tortellini, brioche rolls, and giant chocolate chip cookies that her family loves and bakes every week.

For a limited time, Wild Grain is offering our listeners $30 off your first box, plus free croissants in every box when you go to wildgrain.com slash remit to start your subscription. That's right, free croissants in every box and $30 off your first box when you go to wildgrained.com slash remit. That's wildgrain.com slash remit or you can use promo code remit at checkout. Okay, a lot of things to unpack here. First of all, is it really just a Windows issue? Because if so, how much did double-paying windows cost?

We're waiting on the estimate, but probably $60,000. Okay, that's more than that. then I thought, okay, 60,000, fine, 60,000. How long would it take you to be able to afford that? Well, I could afford it right now, but then that takes me 60,000 farther away from the beach house. So what's the answer to my question? 20 years. It takes you 20 years to afford $60,000 on a $425,000 income. How so? Walk me through it. Because I've got to me, we have got to come up with a plan to put savings to the beach house and then a pot for the home improvements. Because right now everything's just sitting in the fund, which was supposed to be for the beach house, but now maybe it needs to be for the double pane windows.

I don't know. This is where the confusion and I just want to bury my head in the sand. Yeah, I can see that it would feel really overwhelming. you have these numbers and the numbers are quite large your income your savings your mortgage double pain windows and then this carmel beach house these are pretty big numbers and from your perspective living in it i can imagine you're just like oh my god 20 grand here 15 grand there 60 grand over here i don't want to talk about this anymore like god i just want to have a place to live that works. What do you think my perspective is from talking to you and looking at your numbers when I ask about your double-pane glass? I think you're probably thinking like stop crying

and you can afford it. But the but is my amazing salary is contingent on a lot of things in the future, which I don't want to like waste too much time on, but I'm dependent on inheriting someone else's clients. And anyways, I don't want to digress, but basically I don't have assurance that I'm going to be making that much money in the future and it's going to continue to go up, whereas Alex is just like, of course it's going to go up. Why wouldn't it go up? And then I'm negative for thinking, like, this might be the top of my of my salary. I just want to be realistic. Like, this might be the best that I can do in this career that I've chosen. I don't want to limit myself and I know that might be pessimistic. And if it is, I may have to find something else or, you know, like increase the side

hustles that I have going on. So. And could you do that? I could. But that overwhelms me too. But I could. I could. What would it feel like if you were not overwhelmed with money? If you actually had a very specific plan. That I would free up time probably to do things that we like doing together. But I'm constantly worrying, constantly budgeting, constantly trying like the new budget diet of the week. But you're not really budgeting, right? You mentioned it doesn't work.

So how much time are you really spending on your budgets? Well, I do still track all of our, all of my expenditures. It's just too hard for me to include Alex and his expenditures because it's already hard enough trying to track mine. So I'm doing a lot like when it comes to like tracking and saving and investing. And does it get you anything? No. So why are you doing it? I mean, it's it is interesting to see how much I spend on groceries and skin care each month and gifts because I spend a lot of gifts. It's not that interesting. I mean, why are you doing it? I'm asking legitimately you've you told me before we started here that budgets don't seem

to work. They're like the diet fat of the week. And then now you're telling me you spend a lot of time on it. So why? What are you getting out of it? I think it's going to lead to something, but I don't know what. I don't, I'm getting something out of it. It makes me feel responsible that I'm tracking my expenses. Uh-huh. Keep going. I feel responsible and I know where the money, it's probably has something to do with control, maybe, but I like knowing it makes it. It makes, me feel maybe less out of control because I've got these Excel spreadsheets and I'm tracking things. And control means what? That there's and like that I'm not out of control that we're not. I don't know what control

means to tell you the truth. What parts of life are you in control and what parts of life are you out of control? I feel like I'm in control of myself like I'm good at I'm very disciplined in my diet and exercise, and I'm very dependable as an employee to my clients. And I'm very good, you know, I think I'm a very good wife and I'm a very good daughter and I'm an excellent aunt. And I'm in control of those things, but there's a lot of things outside that I can't control if there's another being that's broken at the house. I can't control if I don't progress in this particular field, this niche field that I'm in. Like, because it is very dependent on other people. And what are the commonalities of the things where you're out of control?

The money, like the commonality of where things where I'm not in control, they're dependent on other people. In this case, in your financial household, who's the other person? Alex. Uh-huh. And for the one at work, who's it dependent on? My partner retiring. Yeah.

And how does that feel? I asked Lauren if she could just rent a beach house and create those family memories that way. Most of us resist these different ideas because we have a vision of the way we thought our life would turn out. We thought we might go to college at this college. We thought we might have this kind of job. We might marry this type of person

and live this kind of lifestyle. Often we are operating on these scripts that were created decades ago. And one of the biggest insights that I've had from my coaches and mentors is to really push and understand what is it you're getting at. If you wanted to have this type of job, why? What does it get you? That way sometimes you can achieve the same goal, maybe in a different way. So, for example, if Lauren wants to create these families,

memories with a beach house, fantastic. You can do that. Maybe it means you can rent and do it now instead of having to wait 15 years to own. Owning is not the point here. Creating the family memories is. It's interesting when you can afford to buy lots of different things, what you actually choose to spend your money on. For example, I've tried these different shampoos. At a certain point, I was just like, most of these are all the same. I'm just getting the one from the drugstore. I was talking to a friend about what type of meat we buy. He was shocked that we didn't buy the most expensive meat.

And I think the lesson that I have taken, as I have made more money, is just because it's expensive doesn't mean it's right for meat. That's why the mattress that I chose to sleep on every single night is from Lisa. Lisa offers many high-quality mattress models, whether you sleep on your side, your back, or somewhere in between. From the first night, you're going to be able to feel the difference. They use premium materials, and it delivers full body support. Every Lisa mattress is assembled in the United States.

It comes with free shipping, easy returns, and a 120-night sleep trial. Wirecutter actually named them the best hybrid mattress. Go to Lisa.com for 20% off mattresses, plus get an extra $50 off with promo code Rameet. That's exclusive for my list. listeners. That's L-E-E-E-S-A-com promo code Rameet for 20% off mattresses plus an extra $50 off. Support our show. Let them know that we sent you after you check out. Again, that's Lisa.com promo code Rameet. Here's some of the most creative I will teach you to be rich

businesses that my students have created. Nate turned his love of chess into a chess coaching and training business and started a legal strategy business for online entrepreneurs and creatives. Scott teaches yoga all over the world, including in the south of France. Now, what I love about all these, they're so different, but they started from the same question.

What if I took the thing I love and turned it into a business? One of the things that entrepreneurs learn is how to keep it simple. That is why, when I'm working with new IWT students who are just first-time entrepreneurs, I recommend that they get started with Shopify. Shopify is the commerce platform

behind millions of businesses around the world. and 10% of all e-commerce in the U.S., including brands like Mattel and Jim Shark. They've got ready to go beautiful templates for important things like your website, landing pages. Plus, they have helpful AI tools to make everyday tasks easier, like generating discount codes and enhancing your product images. It's like having a full marketing team behind you. They've got easy to run email and special media campaigns to help you connect with new customers. And everything is in one place.

tackle your inventory, payments, analytics, and more without having to jump from platform to platform. It's time to turn those what ifs into with Shopify today. Sign up for your $1 per month trial today at Shopify.com slash remit. Go to Shopify.com slash remit. That's Shopify.com slash remit. It wouldn't be the end of the world if we just rent a house out there. like my birthday's coming up in a few months, I can, I can rent a house and invite everybody for the weekend. I could do it. You could do it. And I appreciate you coming on this journey with me. Now, I want to flip that a little bit because you just went positive on me. I loved it.

What would be wrong with doing that? Tell me the truth. Well, it's a little productive because that, say, it's $1,600. I'm just, I don't know what the going rate is right now for just a normal house within walking distance of the beach. Let's just say $1,600, $2,000 for the three days of the weekend, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. That's $3,000. That could be, or $2,000 that could be put towards the down payment of being an owner out there. That's it. That's your big reason? Yes. How come you didn't use the same logic when you bought that skin suiticles and all that dermatology stuff? Well, I have to have some pleasure.

Yes, I agree. You put money, a lot of money into your skin care. I have no problem with it. I'm not judging you for it. I think it's great. But notice that you never, I guarantee you have never said, Lauren, this money I just used for the dermatologist

could have gone towards my down payment, so I'm not going to do it. So how come you do that when you're talking about taking your family and creating these memories in Carmel. I have thought of that and it feels like there's just an, and I totally have had that rational thought of,

why don't you pull back the expenses here and put it towards what you really want and that feels like a thought and then I'm just like, oh, whatever. I, well, I kind of need, I'm like, oh, well, I kind of, I guess I'm contradicting myself because I think, it's not that much money anyways. The best insights are found in the contradictions.

I love that you are running into the wall and backing yourself into a corner. I love that because it's too easy for smart people to talk themselves out of the corner. And so my job is to help you get in there and then realize, oh my gosh, I'm grappling with these contradictory beliefs. I believe in self-soothing, taking care of myself. I believe in helping my family and creating these great memories. And yet, even though I have the opportunity in front of me to do that, I'm creating an obstacle to myself. And what is that obstacle you're creating for yourself?

Not renting the beach house and creating the memories now. Yeah. The belief that you have to own. even though you yourself know that it's going to take you 10 plus years to be able to do it. This is not a conversation we haven't had before. If the goal is for her to have these memories with her family and we can do it, then ownership is not really needed. And making more money isn't the answer either.

So I'm thinking that she's answering her own question. She's answering her own fear. Every day I just feel insecure. I just feel that there's not really a plan in place there. A plan would give you what? Security. What does that mean? Security means that I might not have to worry as much.

And then what? I don't even know, actually, if that would give me more security. Keep talking. I mean, it feels like maybe I would just have some sort of predictable future. You're really, really getting close to the crux of this. It would feel like I would stop worrying, but finish that sentence for me. It would feel like I would stop worrying, but even though, then there are things in life that we can't control.

That's right. That's right. So maybe you would get a succession plan at work. And the worry would go away. How long would it go away for? Ten minutes before then I would think, okay, great. The clients that I did inherit don't like me anymore. Ten minutes?

Not even one weekend? You know, you go to a restaurant, you tell them, oh, I'm celebrating and they bring out a little cake with some candles. Not even one weekend? just being hypothetical with how fear can rule my life when it comes of especially finances and especially my career. Okay. You're exactly right. Do you think, Alex, that maybe there's a way for you to connect with Lauren so that maybe the two of you could start going towards this journey together? Oh, yeah. Absolutely. Yes. Great. That's a great start. Awesome. Now, what do you think? is a good way for you to connect with Lauren on this topic of the house. Perhaps being more open to discussing it?

Well, let's do it right now. Sure. We're here. Might as well. Might as well. Go for it. And remember, what is the goal of this conversation you're about to have? The goal is for us to connect.

To be. Okay. Right. Connect. And then what did Lauren say that she really, wants walking out of here. What would make her feel secure? To feel less financially fearful. Isn't that what she said in the beginning? I don't know. Ask her. Don't ask her.

Lauren, you said. Ask her. Don't tell her. Okay. Would having one-to-one conversations about this topic, about ownership versus renting and creating memories. Would that create, would that dissipate your financial insecurity? I don't know. I don't know if talking more about it, maybe. Yeah, talking about our finances as a joint,

you know, married couple. Yeah. Might help. Okay. So if we had a like a monthly meeting and we discussed our finances more so than we were, because technically we weren't really talking about them with a fine-tooth comb. We were just meeting our monetary goals. That's not really discussing them.

So if we had a conversation every month and we were, meeting our goals and talking about them, would that make you feel less financially fearful? Probably. I mean, it could, and I think it's worth a try. We will be more in touch and not, you don't have to feel like you're kind of swimming by yourself. Thank you. What is stopping you, Lauren, from feeling more secure? Is it having a monthly conversation. Do you even know what you talk about in this conversation? No. You guys are talking right now and you're talking about a future conversation. What are you actually going to talk about? Why don't we just do it right now? Okay. I mean, we need to talk about getting our savings back on

track. Let's try that with a question. Okay. Alex, how do we go about Alex? Alex. allocating a savings when I just don't see any leftover money after the house. Lauren, I like your question. It was interesting. I noticed that when you asked the question, you said, hey, how do we create this savings allocation? And then you squashed it in the second clause of the sentence because there's just no money around. There's just nothing we could ever do. I mean, how has anyone expected to respond to that positively? You're actually backing Alex into a corner, right? How can Alex or anyone constructively respond to that? They're just going to feel like, oh my God, she's setting me up to fail. Yeah, that's how I felt. Exactly. So can we try this again?

Ground rule number one. Let's assume positive intent. That means that Lauren, if you're speaking to Alex, you assume that he's a good guy. He wants to succeed with you. He wants to be responsible. He wants to figure out a solution. Alex, same thing. If Lauren is telling you something, she feels a certain way or she has a question, she's constructive. She wants to solve it, right, even though she may be needing your help. So that's my rule. Lauren, what's your rule? And then Alex, what's your rule? My rule is to not place blame on each other. Like, don't blame each other for anything. My rule is that we really listen to what the other person is saying. Beautiful.

Okay. Let's do it. Let's take another crack at this thing. Alex, are you open to meeting once a month and setting aside time to discuss our finances and reinstating our savings goal? Yes, I am. In fact, I will go a step further and say to ask you what you envision that savings amount to be. Okay, just start at, start at we could put aside $500 a month, an emergency fund. $500 each to savings.

Correct. And that would make you feel financially secure. Well, at least that we're working on something and not just spending everything. Let me pause. This is fantastic. Just a quick note, Alex, ask her open-ended questions. You said that will make you feel financially secure. Flip that and say, I think we can make that happen. If we did, how would that make you feel? Go ahead. Lauren, if we did the $500 each savings every month, how would that make you feel? That would make me feel that we're back to building up our savings and not spending everything.

Okay, great. I'm for it. I would say that beginning, well, today is the first, right? we could start this month. Okay. Let's set a day right now to do that goal. So like the 15th of the month? Done. $500 on the table, on the 15th. For the same.

How does that make you feel right now? Better because now we're not just spending everything on this house. Okay. Great job. I want to know, Alex, how are you feeling right now? And if I was flying before, I'm flying even more. Hi. You know, I get to keep the house and she's happy.

Good, very good. Lauren, how are you feeling right now? Well, I'm feeling that I'm glad that Alex is open to exploring the finances and seeing the need to save. Yeah. He seemed totally on board. I mean, if anything, he was like, hey, let's get into it. what day, how much, let's go. He was ready.

So I love that about both of you. You really did assume positive intent. That was pretty easy. You just save $12,000 a year. You both tend to defer things until later. I mean, you spent 10 minutes talking about a conversation you were going to have. I'm like, I'm here. Let's just do it right now.

So sometimes it's just pick the number, make a decision. If you're wrong, fix it later. Hey, we picked too much. We can't save that. that much. Okay, cut it down by 10%. No big deal. Oh, we're not saving enough. All right, add 20%. Big deal. Pick it. And after two months, re-evaluated. I feel it will only can only make us stronger as a couple. Yeah. You know? Yeah. You know, I think if we're able to save 500 each, maybe in six months or in a year, we can

increase it, you know. And then we can keep going on that. Maybe meet, you know, you know, know how in our monthly meetings, we can say, okay, well, we're making X amount more this year. Let's put more to the savings. Yeah, that would be amazing. But we could decide that, you know, as we go along. Right. At least we have a base case to start. Right.

I'm open to it. You guys are too good. You're making my job easy. You wanted to talk about this feeling. feeling secure. And we know that for you, Lauren, secure relates closely to this Carmel property. So here's what I'm going to say to you about that. First off, if you want to buy the Carmel shack, you could. It's certainly possible. In order for you to do that, you would need to run an analysis, both just on the math. I think you would also need to really grapple with being realistic.

Would you be happy in a Carmel shack? Maybe it's worth going around and looking at a couple. And going in there knowing point blank, I'm not going to buy anything today or even in the next five years, but how do I feel walking into this shack that costs some amount? Legitimately do I like this or am I trying to convince myself of a childhood memory? Okay? I want you to get a little bit more educated about it.

The second thing I want you to do with this upcoming birthday, date. I want you to rent. Rent a place. Okay? Get a place that is nice. Maybe if you want to be really diligent about it, get a place that would be equivalent to what you might one day buy. Rent it for a few days. Take a couple of your blankets. Throw them on the couch. Make it feel like home as much as you can in an Airbnb. And just see, what does it feel like? You're going to know. You might say, I hate this. And then Alex might say, baby. Totally respect that, you know, this doesn't feel like home to you. Let's give it one more shot.

Let's do it one more time. We'll pick a different house next time. Maybe we'll even pay a little more. Let's just try it once more. And if after that you just don't love it, we don't have to talk about renting ever again. But I want you to create those memories now. Don't wait 10 plus years for some magical myth you've created in your head about you have to own. That message might just be the echoes of what your mom is.

believed 40 years ago. You don't have to follow your mom's invisible scripts or your dads or anybody's. You two are high earners. You get to create your own scripts, how you want to use money. So if you want to create memories, go for it. Rent the place just to try it out. Create the memories. Order a nice bottle of champagne, whatever you want. And if you love it, do it again. And if your savings are going well, your earning powers going up, you're putting money aside into this investment account, etc. You'll be able to project, hey, this is exactly when we will be able to buy. But your happiness will not come from buying and tell you that right now. I can tell you. I'm going to say it again because it's so important. Your happiness and your security will not come from buying a Carmel

Beach House. What will it come from? The memories. Yeah. What else? Look at the two of you. Working together? Working together. Yeah.

Creating a plan. Creating a vision that the two of you love. A vision where one of you doesn't feel like, all right, he wants this house because it's got a backyard. I'm going to go with it. No, no, no, no. That's not a vision. That's like, all right, I'll let him have this one.

A vision is one that the two of you get excited about. And we just saw it when the two. when the two of you created your $500 a month vision, that was fun. It actually felt easy. You can get the same thing with Carmel or Santa Barbara, wherever it is you decide to get your place. The magic is in the planning.

It's in creating the journey and then executing on it. The destination itself is like whatever. That's actually not the point. And so you don't have to wait 10 years. You shouldn't wait 10 years to feel secure. you can start feeling happy. You can start feeling secure in the next few weeks. Thanks for listening to I Will Teach You to Be Rich.

I'm Rameet Seity. Please follow the show on Apple, Spotify, or wherever you listen to podcasts. To find our entire back catalog of podcast episodes, go to IWT.com slash podcast. I'm given away a signed copy of my book. Send me a screenshot. Show me that you're following my podcast. on Apple or Spotify, and I'll pick one listener to send a free signed copy of my book right out to you.

Here's what you'll find next week on the I Will Teach to Be Rich podcast. I buy what I want, and I never look at the prices. That's really making my hands clammy at the thought of being at the store and adding the numbers. If it was in my wallet, it needed to be a spend because I wasn't used to having it.