Money For Couples with Ramit Sethi - 4. “My wife didn’t know I had $450,000 of debt until yesterday”

Episode Date: August 10, 2021

John has a lot of debt. Wendy knew about the $450k he owed when they started their relationship, over ten years ago, but she only found out what the current number is the day before their call with me – and the number has gone up!  She wants to help him pay it off but he refuses to allow it. John insists that everything is under control, but Wendy doesn’t believe him. He makes a plan, then sets it and forgets it. She needs to check the status and cross things off the list. Underneath all of the financial questions, there’s a deeper conflict: he wants another child. She doesn’t feel ready. Does money play a part in her reluctance? As you listen, notice that John and Wendy are calm, collected, and clearly love each other – even with $600,000 of debt! I’ve spoken to couples who were more stressed out about $20K of debt. They have the trust, but they need help to get clarity. Listen for their revelations and breakthroughs around money and building a Rich Life.  Connect with Ramit Website Instagram Twitter Facebook YouTube Linkedin Produced by Crate Media.

Let me share some of the coolest ways that my community has recently used money to live a rich life. One member did a month-long honeymoon in Europe after deciding she didn't want a big wedding. Another member bought a VW SUV that was their dream car that they've wanted for years. And another member made a rule that any time she buys a ticket for an event, she always buys a second so that she can bring a friend. These are just a few examples of how my money coaching members have built systems to use their money. Notice that there's no more anxiety, that they have a smooth running system. They know when their debt's going to be paid off.

They can feel comfortable spending on the things they love. They can actually spend less time on their finances while living an amazing life. In my money coaching program, members also get access to live events every month, including topics like money with aging parents and how to create a business. amazing vacations. That was one of my favorites where I shared how I spend my money on travel, plus Q&A directly from me. If you want to start building your rich life today, join us and get instant access to our back catalog of years of live calls. Check out IWT.com slash money coaching to join now. That's IWT.com slash money coaching to join

the program right now. I feel like it's a huge weight that we're both carrying. Like John was second kid, he's thinking about it. And I'm just like, no, like, we have to pay this off. We need to make this into manageable amount. And then we can do something else. John and Wendy have around $600,000 in debt. Now, $450,000 of that is John's debt. But he's not really worried about it. He has a plan and he knows exactly how he's going to handle it. Wendy, on the other hand, feels really, really anxious. In fact, she assumed that their debt was going down. But right before they got on the call with me,

they looked at the number together, and she was shocked that the debt hasn't actually gone down. It's actually gotten bigger. It's like, I want to cry. Like, oh, my God. How come it's not getting any lower? Soon, Wendy's going to be debt-free. And once she is,

she wants to use that extra income. she'll have to help John pay his debt. John refuses to let her. I don't want her to worry about it. At the core of it, I don't want her to worry about it. But I have worried about it. John tells Wendy to relax, let him take care of things, but she's not comfortable with that. This is a common thing that one partner does. They'll tell the other, don't worry, it's fine. But that partner is worried, And it's not fine. Telling someone don't feel that way, it doesn't actually make the feeling go away.

It just buries it. Because of COVID, our health insurance for sure was like a topic. And so I would be like, are we okay on the health insurance? Like, is everything okay? And then he's like, oh, I stopped paying that. And I was like, what? And he's like, well, we're not working and we don't need it right now. And I was just like, what?

And I just thought that was taken care of. And it wasn't. Here's something I really want you to notice. As you listen to these two today, notice how they talk about their debt. Notice how they talk about each other. Do they sound overwhelmed, stressed? Can you tell that they love each other? I think you'll be surprised as you listen in on this couple.

Remember, with $600,000 of debt. It just confirms for me that she is so loving. And she wants to do this together. And I totally get it. She wants to be a part of my life. She wants to help me in any way possible. She's always been that way. She's intensely loyal, and she's willing to do whatever it takes.

I'm Remead Seity, and this is the I Will Teach You to Be Rich podcast, where we listen to real couples sharing real stories from behind closed doors about money. John and Wendy have been married for 10 years. They have a young child, Emmett, who you'll hear from time to time in today's recording. that $600,000 of debt that they have is like a ghost in their relationship. It sits between the two of them, haunting every decision that they make. John wants another kid. Wendy doesn't even want to think about it until they pay off that debt.

John feels comfortable because he's got a plan. Wendy feels totally in the dark. Today we're going to listen in to John and Wendy. Tell us about how their debt is affecting their relationship. John, when was the first time you told Wendy about how much debt you have? From my recollection, I told her pretty early on, probably immediately after dental school. I told her that I was about $450,000 in debt, totaling from undergrad and dental school as well. And that was about it. That was the first time I told her.

And what was her reaction when you told her that number? Her reaction, I remember, was it was a lot just because compared to hers, I feel like she had some help from her family, which is awesome. I admire her mom a lot. So her reaction was one of surprise. Yesterday, right before this call, they filled out a questionnaire where they included their financial details. Wendy didn't know how much debt they actually had. And when she saw the number, let's just say she was. surprised. He was filling out the questionnaire. I think that's when I was like, oh yeah, so how much is

that number now? And I'm expecting it to be way less because we finished dental school 10 plus years. So then when I heard the number, it get bigger. And I was like, oh, no. So I guess recently. Yeah. What was your feeling when you heard that number higher than it used to be, not lower? trepitation yeah fear it's like I want to cry

like oh my God how come it's not getting any lower did you two talk about it when you heard that number kind of I think he was just like it's okay it's fine

it'll be fine he was just kind of like it'll be okay Wendy like it's my problem I'm going to take care of it notice that tactic one partner telling the other, don't worry about it. And then layering on, it's my problem,

which isn't very satisfying in a relationship with two people. When you hear that, how do you react to that? It's definitely annoying. What do you mean? I'm on the side saying, like, I want to help you, like, we're a family, and he's like, I'm this macho man, I can take care of myself. lots of men are raised with the deep belief that we have to take care of our family financially. And until recently, that was very, very common.

That belief is so deep, it's so invisible that I call it an invisible script. Are you a macho man? No. I don't consider myself to be a macho man. I felt like it was something that I chose to undertake. It was my responsibility. even before we got married, even before we got engaged,

I felt like this is my choice. It's my responsibility. So why would I knowingly have my wife undertake that responsibility too? Because she's already paying her own loans and she's almost done, right? So why in the hell would I want to add even more onto her plate? Like it doesn't make sense to me at all.

It's on an automated path ready to. It's set to, again, complete. in about 10 years. And initially, the first, I think, a year or two, I was paying it very aggressively to the point where, like, I would be very cheap on like money, cheap on like I wanted to stay home with my parents, you know, coming back from down to school. And I didn't want to live like that.

So I put it on the income-based repayment plan so that we could actually start enjoying life more, move out. and do things that we enjoy and also plan for him too. I don't consider myself to be a macho man. The reason why I say don't worry about it, which again, it's probably not the right way to phrase it, is because I care about her. And I don't want her to stress out about something that I,

one, consciously chose to take on. And two, I feel like it's my responsibility. And she, I don't want her to worry about it. At the core of it, I don't want her to worry about it. But I am worried about it. You are worried. Yeah. John doesn't want Wendy to worry about it.

Okay. Except that his very behavior is making her worried. So what do you think is going on here? I think it's really tempting to jump right into the solutions. But I have to tell you, I don't understand the full picture yet. So I want to probe a little bit. See if we can pick up some more clues. I know the number is big.

Together, the two of you owe about $600,000. But why is that worried to you? I feel like it's a huge weight that we're both carrying. And so I don't want to take on anything else. Like John was a second kid. He's thinking about it. And I'm just like, no, like we have to pay this off. We need to make this into manageable amount.

and then we can do something else. I feel like it's probably maybe something, a vestige of the way I tend to deal with things. Ding, ding, ding. Here we go. I can already tell this is a real clue. So she is much more organized than I am. She keeps a calendar and everything.

She's kept the calendar since she was in middle school, I believe. And she is very, very meticulous with everything. She plans, she keeps, she's like incredible with keeping up to date with things for our son, planning a lot of things, right? And I'm very like, play by ear. Play by ear, but also once I kind of set it, like I forget about it. Once it's there, once I have a system in place that is automated, and it's like, okay, it's out of my mind. I may seem lackadaisical about it and I may seem very nonchalant about it. I'm intense about certain things, but I'm very, very lax on a lot of.

of other things and I feel like that may worry her when it comes to this like money thing too. Very, very interesting. Do you have a hint of the real problem yet? I think I'm starting to develop my theory now. I actually agree with John. It is like our personalities that I want everything to be done. Like I want to check that box. I like create something so I can make a box and I can check it. I'm totally like that. And I for example, his emails, it's like 10,000. unread emails. And I'm like, oh, my God, that is so terrifying. And I'm just like, please let me help you.

I want to help you. Do you manage his email for him? No. When I see it, like, if it's on, I'm like, oh, my God. Like right now it's on. I'm like, it's like 30,000. And it's just like, close it, minimize. John thinks that he's got everything under control.

And to give him some credit, it sounds like he actually might have a pretty good place. But that's not the real problem here. This situation is causing Wendy to feel stressed out. I want to know what she actually believes their situation is. Notice that they each have a story of the role they play in this relationship. John describes himself as carefree, a guy who puts a system into place and then doesn't worry about it anymore. Wendy describes herself as someone who loves to-do lists and someone who's bewildered and overwhelmed by unreaded.

emails. How do you think those two identities are affecting this situation? I'll give you a hint. This is not a math problem. It actually has very little to do with that number, $600,000. There's a pretty cool TikTok trend going around right now that I really love. It's called admin nights. Basically, you get your friends together, you get some snacks, maybe some drinks, and you do all the infrastructure stuff in life that most of us skip over. If you're going to set up an Admin night. Here's my suggestion for you. Use ZocDoc to book your health appointments and you will be done fast. ZocDoc is a free app and website that helps you find and book high quality in network doctors so you can find someone you love. They have over 150,000 doctors across all 50 states

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usually within 24 to 72. hours. You can look through your options, book an appointment, and you are done. If I needed to find a new doctor today, Zock-D-D-O-C-T-K is what I would use. Stop putting off those doctors appointments and go to Zoc-D-C-com slash Rameet to find and instantly book a doctor you love today. That's Z-O-C-D-C-com slash Rameh. And I want to thank Zok-D-D-C for sponsoring this message. Wendy, do you think that John has it under control? I don't know. Yeah.

I don't know if he does. Do you want to ask him? Do you have, well, he's going to say yes, but I don't know for sure. You ask me. Are you have it, do you have it under control? Definitely. I don't know. I've heard that before too.

And has it not worked out when you've heard that before? So because of COVID, our health insurance. for sure was like a topic. And so I would be like, are we okay on the health insurance? Like, is everything okay? And then he's like, oh, I stopped paying that. And I was like, what? And he's like, well, we're not working and we don't need it right now.

And I was just like, what? And I just thought that was taken care of. And it wasn't. So when John tells you, I got it under control, you're hearing him, but it seems like maybe you're not believing it. How could you find out if he really? really had it under control. So I would have to like look at everything, like hard evidence. Okay. Okay. So you've turned into a CSI detective. I am. Yeah. Okay. Got it. You're putting on like a

detective DDS. Amazing. Okay. So you're going through it with a with a fine tooth comb. You're looking at everything. You know, you're using all kinds of x-ray type stuff. And what would it being under control mean to you. You have to probe people's language. People talk about using money to be secure. Ask them what secure means. Most of the time, it's a feeling. Some people talk about feeling comfortable or not feeling rich.

Ask them what they mean. You'll be surprised what they tell you. What would it being under control mean to you? So something that specifically is frightening to me is because he's saying 10 years, right? But I don't know, like, for sure if that's true. Like he said before, like, oh, there's a specific, like, 20 plus years and it gets paid off. But I don't, like, see a form or, like, I don't see something that says, like, oh, this is the date.

Once this date is here, you're clear. If I see that, then I feel a little bit better. Another thing that is frightening to me is because I don't. So let's say this is paid off this specific date. but then I'm not sure if that's like the number that we should be paying off. Like there's all these like logistics stuff where I'm like, how do we like, how what, what's the good number that we should be paying this loan off? Is dragging it on this long?

Is that a bad idea? I just don't know like what to do. Okay. That makes sense. Should you pay it off in six years? Yeah. Should you stretch it out for 18 years? Yeah.

So let's say that you got an answer to. that and it was one of those numbers could be six could be 18 whatever the number may be and you saw a form and it said yep based on your goals and lifestyle this is the amount you should pay each month and that means it's going to be X years how would you feel that I would feel really good okay yeah because I understand like payments I do that myself I have everything nice and laid out and like, okay, when I'm 37, this will be all done. And then like, I'm ready to do something else. I can help pay off John's loans.

If I have everything like nicely organized laid out, then I feel like I have control over the situation. And how do you feel right now? I don't feel like I have any control. If I'm hearing you correctly, if you were to get that in an organized way, you would feel extremely comfortable with it. And also, if John is willing to be, to let me help them.

What is that? So that number can go down faster. Now we understand what comfortable means to Wendy. What does she tell us? She told us she wants to see more details about the payments. She wants to know their options. She wants clarity on if they're using the right debt strategy. And did you catch this little offhand comment she made?

She wants it to be organized. She's just kind of offhandedly mentioned that. but it's a really important comment. I want you to file that away for now. She also mentioned she wants to help John out with the debt. We're partners, right? And so I feel like we're helping each other with everything else. Oh, do the dishes.

And then I'll put Emmett down. And can you do this? And then we'll do this. Like you pull laundry away and I'll take it out. Like we're doing things every day on a daily basis together. But in this aspect, it's no, I can't let you. you do this. So that's confusing to me. Why do you think that in this one area of life, he's keeping you on the sidelines? Well, I guess what you said earlier,

like you want to take responsibility for your education money. You're hearing him. And you're repeating what he said. That's true. You definitely are remembering it. But it doesn't sound like you really resonate with it or believe it. Yeah. I can hear the words, but I'm just like, what? I don't get it. Is that because you see it totally differently? Or is there something else driving it?

I think for me, it's just very simple decision. Like, oh, you need help, I'll help you. So I don't understand why it is so complicated. What about her request? She made two major requests for her to feel more comfortable. Did you catch what those were? One was the form or having like a very clear set date or in terms of like what's owed and confirmation that what I'm saying is actually true to her. That was the one. That's correct. And what was the second? I believe the second one would be for her to contribute and help me. make the payments.

Okay, so let's talk about each of those. What do you think about the first one? She wants a evidence locker with a full accounting. There is a document. I mean, it's through the government, right? I can provide her with that terms and conditions for sure. But it doesn't say an exact date, but it does say if you continue to make payments

and it's not broken up for 20 years, then it'll be forgiven. So it'll be absolved, essentially. And you would feel comfortable sharing that with Wendy. Definitely. Okay. That's cool. That's problem number one of two solved right there.

We're halfway there. I got to tell you, I wish I had stopped right here and celebrated with both of them. This is something I call taking the win. See, they just came to a huge agreement on something that's been plaguing them for years. And when this happens, it's a rare opportunity to really pause, take a second, acknowledge it, even do something goofy, get a cake, put some candles on it, go to a movie, whatever. I don't think we celebrate enough. So my bad on that one, I wish I had done it.

But problem number two is really the crux of this issue. Will John let Wendy help him pay off his debt? No. No, just because I, okay, okay, I'm going to take a step back here. Again, it's my responsibility. I thought he was going to say yes. One is, it's my responsibility, right? It's my responsibility, but not only that.

She, again, is intensely loyal to the point where she's sacrificed, I believe, a lot of her own passions, her own hobbies for some time now. When she became a mother, right? As it can be very common for mothers to do, they put their own passions to the side. And she's definitely done that. And I feel like for me to ask her after she's paid off her her own debt, right, for me to ask her to pay some of mine too. But you're not asking me.

I'm wanting to do it. Okay, for her to pay towards my debt, even though I see no reason to pay extra to the debt, that it will be paid off or it will be completed no matter what you do, right? If I continue on what I'm doing right now, it will be done. So for her to use her fund money, right, the money that she is working so hard to come by, towards that to delay many things that she could be doing. She could be pursuing her passions like Arch. Here's what John is saying. Because of his income-based repayment plan,

the debt is going to be forgiven in a matter of years. He just has to keep paying some amount towards it. So to him, it makes no sense to pay extra when it's going to be forgiven anyway. There are other important things to me as well. And making more money just to pay more, the plan is set already. No matter, like, if I earn less, the plan will require me to pay less. It's definitely a conscious decision on my part to try to enjoy what I have in this season of my life with my son and with her as well.

And in fact, he wants Wendy to use that money for herself. She was like, an incredible artist. She could be spending money towards that. Like the money dials that you talk about, she has turned everything to like one. You know what I mean? When I know that a lot of things to her are very, very important, I want her to be able to enjoy herself.

She's worked so damn hard to get to where she's at and she's almost then paying it off. Like why? Why would I want her to undertake that? When it's not even necessary, it's not like a mantra type of thing. because, again, it's going to be done anyways. There's no point.

John sees the spreadsheet, and Wendy wants to contribute. Check the box. This is very, very common with partners and money. Wendy, did that answer your question? I think so. Do you remember what your original question was? Yeah, like if me helping it would be a waste of money.

And what did he say to your question? He said a lot. I don't think he answered your question. Well, then I agree. What's the answer? Now we're getting a little closer here. John, you have clearly thought through what money means to you, and you have forms, and you chose an income-based repayment plan,

and you know, you've been working a plan. I get that. I don't think Wendy gets that. And I don't think you have. shared all of the decisions you've made that roll up to this payoff date. You might be doing the right thing, but if your partner doesn't understand what you're doing and why, of course they're going to be nervous. Of course they're going to be skeptical. Most of us think about making the right decisions in life, but we rarely think about how to

communicate them with the people around us. That's true at work. It's also, true at home. Why is it that people who tell me I'm stupid on social media always have the profile picture of a jar of mustard? You think I'm going to take your advice about investing when your username is Pontiac Plummer 48? No, thank you. Instead, I trust professionals when I need help with my business like you can do using Gelt this coming tax season. Gelt is a modern CPA firm that helps you take control of your tax strategy ahead of time. They'll help you think strategically, like how to structure your business, where to maximize key deductions, and how to use the tax code to your benefit. Plus, their platform makes it easy to stay organized, working with your tax team year

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to wildgrain.com slash remit. That's wildgrain.com slash remit, or you can use promo code remit at checkout. It's quite complex the decisions you've made. They involve government, they involve interest rates, then they involve time, and then most complex of all, and most individual is how you see money. And I think you see money really differently than so by not sharing. all the logic behind your decisions, you leave Wendy in the dark. And Wendy, I can imagine you use words like trepidation and just overwhelm. It doesn't surprise me because you're not privy to any of the layers of John's decision.

So John, when you reassure her, you tell her, don't worry. What do you think her first reaction to that is? Worried. It's like... Use the negative word, John. Yeah, it's like me starting to sweat and someone saying, don't sweat. You know that she worries, especially around certain topics, I'm guessing. Everyone has their areas.

But Wendy, I also heard you say you like to check boxes. You love to check. In fact, you said you create boxes just so you can check them. So I know a lot of people like this. And one of the things that box checkers do is they want to pay debt off immediately. They do not want to stretch it out. And often when I talk to them, you know, we talk about, for example, should I pay off my mortgage or stretch it out and invest the rest?

And mathematically, in a lot of cases, it makes sense to just stretch it out, stretch out your car payment or stretch out your mortgage and then just pay the minimum. and take the rest and invest it. But box checkers look at me like I'm a Martian. They're like, I don't care what math you're showing me. I am paying this debt off as fast as I can.

Would you say that that is the case for you? Yeah, because the total amount was 400, and now it's 500 with more time passing by. So that doesn't make sense to me.

John, I'm sure you have a great answer for it, especially considering you have income-based repayment, et cetera. But the fact is, if Wendy doesn't know, she's in the dark. And when you're in the dark about something, oftentimes you spin into the worst possible outcome. I'm going to be real honest with you. We've talked about this at least five or six times.

And even with the most recent time, it was definitely a very heated topic. I think because it's been so heated, every single time has come up, I would rather not deal with it because in my mind, like this is maybe me being stubborn, right? But I'm already set doing this.

And this is going to sound really wrong. But no matter what I try to do, no matter what I have tried to do, I have not been able to comfort her. with this. I don't want to deal with that stress, the bombardment of her. Like, what are you doing? Like, are you kidding me? And all this things. My main stressor is probably her getting stressed out. Totally normal. Every person in a relationship knows there are topics that stress your partner out. And after a while, a lot of us decide it's just easier to not talk about them at all.

But what if you could bring them up in a safe way? What if you could change the way you could change the way you talk about the topic, so your partner really listened to you and saw it from your point of view. I can't promise that they would always agree with you, and it might take some time, but I usually find that with topics like these, we've gotten stuck in a rut. We're saying the same things over and over, spinning. Sometimes a fresh perspective can really change the way that both of us approach it. John, I think you could actually open yourself up a little bit. bit and say something like this, you could say, look, I understand you want to help me. I know you're loyal. You love me. We're partners. So I really thought about this and I thought about what

options we have. You're going to be done with paying off your debt soon. That's going to open up about $2,000 a month. Now, Wendy, we're going to have $2,000 a month. Here are the options. One, yeah, you could actually put all of that towards my debt. And here's what the results would be. It's not my choice, but I'm going to put it out on the table and I'd love to talk to you back. John, how do you think Wendy would react if she heard that option on the table? She would feel heard, I think. Doesn't mean you have to do it, but at least it's out on the table. It's about working the plan.

That would be awesome, John, when you do that. And how do you think that conversation would go differently than the last time you spoke about this debt? It would definitely be a lot smoother, not as heated. Why? When we have discussed it, it's definitely not specific. It's just a general. It'll be fine. Very general.

I would definitely like that. It's more like a collaborative type of thing. Amazing. Amazing. Partners, this is it. You're both putting skin in the game. And it's amazing. Maybe Wendy ends up contributing some amount of money.

money, maybe not. But one way or another, she's going to contribute to this decision. And that is magical. That's what partners do. One of my personal philosophies when I travel is skin in the game. Skin in the game means, have you ever gone traveling with somebody and you kind of plan everything and then they get there and they start complaining? And they go, oh, I don't like this. Or this breakfast sucks. And they just kind of cross their arms. And I hate it. I decided when I travel, everybody's got to have a little skin in the game. And it could be as simple as you're responsible for planning our dinner on Thursday. And hey, you've got two hour block in the middle of the day. Find something cool for us to do. That's it. On a whole week long trip, that's it.

But guess what? When they do that, they suddenly appreciate how hard it is to plan something like this. And so I remember taking my parents on a trip and we went to Italy and I wanted to make it even lower stakes than that. So I just had them come to a cooking class where we all had our hands in the dough and all. We were, you know, tacked out. We'd get involved. Went so great because people put skin in the game. When you two both put skin in the game, it could be as small as a cooking class, meaning just tell me what you think of these options. let's talk about it. Or it can be as big as contribute $24,000 a year to this debt. That's huge.

That's up to you two to decide. But the two of you come together and suddenly you're jointly solving this problem. It changes the dynamic completely. Yeah. John has other options too. Wendy could pay a little bit towards his debt and use the rest for herself or she could pay zero and use all of her money on herself. But just start with it. one. Lock in the wind. And there was one more thread that I heard from them that I really want to pull on. Remember, this conflict started because John was so protective of Wendy that he wouldn't let her help with his debt. And I want to understand how she sees money in their future life. Now that we feel more comfortable with this debt, which is awesome, Wendy, you mentioned something

a little while ago that really caught my eye and you said, you know, you said there are open questions like, we don't know if we want to have another child until this debt is paid off. So does it feel like this debt is preventing you from moving forward? For sure. It is, yeah. In what ways? Well, specifically, of course, the second child,

we've been talking about it for quite some time buying a house. Whenever we do make any kinds of decisions, it's always like, well, we shouldn't do it because we still have a lot of money that we have to pay off. Yeah. And do both of you feel that way? No. Okay. So Wendy, you feel that way? And John, you're like, I got my plan. Let's move on. I want to talk about the rest of our lives. Okay. Remember earlier, I mentioned that all things.

comment that Wendy made, how she loves things to be organized, she loves checking the box and creating to-do lists, it's really hard to think about a rich life when you have $600,000 in debt. But I don't think you can wait until you've checked every box to start living that rich life, to start moving forward. That's perfectionism. And that can be crippling. Sometimes you have to go backwards and forwards at the same time. Planning a kid, I want to know, like, how much money for insurance and then how much money for delivery and then like all this stuff. I want it all laid out. And then John is more like, we'll play it by year. We'll figure it out as we go. And I'm like, that's not a plan.

That's fine. But for things like this, right, it's just kind of like, it's almost like saving up for retirement. And then in the, in the whole process of it, you, don't enjoy your life. You miss out on the various stages of life because you're saving up for this like far out date. Like biologically, if we were to have another kid, it better happen like in five years or so, right? So if you wait for 10 years, then you definitely not going to be able to have a kid unless you adopt. You know what I mean? So why put that on the back burner? I have a couple of questions for you, Wendy. Do you want to have a second child. I think the idea of having a second child will be fun for Emmett, but like,

I don't think I want to birth another child. When it was just the two of you, before you had Emmett, if someone had told you, Wendy, you're going to put your art on hold for years and maybe your sleep on hold for a while too, and you know, you're going to take care of this little one for a long time. How do you think you would have reacted back then? I would be, I would say that sucks. Yeah. But now, how do you feel?

It's great. It's so easy to focus on the negative. But we can also flip that to focus on the positive. Thinking back, she would have told herself that having a kid, It sucks. But having gone through it now, she realizes there's also a lot of joy. By the way, my wife really wants to get a dog. My first response was, he'll slobber.

We'll have to take the dog for too many walks. He's going to restrict our ability to travel. I'm focused on all the bad things. She just thinks it's going to be amazing. It'll be great for bringing us closer together. See the difference in perspective? By the way, just in case my wife is listening, I still don't want a dog.

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is that almost all of the couples who come on my show with 10 out of 10 money problems have never read a single book about personal finance. Not just my book, they never read any book about money. You'll note that when people talk about money, it is very easy to dream about what they want. And actually, I like dreaming. It's good. We should dream.

We should come up with our rich life vision. But we don't just need dreams. We need a plan. So you can create that plan yourself and figure out how compounding works and when you'll be able to withdraw this money and on and on. Or if you need help building a specific plan for you, our partners at Facet can help. Fassett charges a flat membership fee for financial planning, never a percentage of your portfolio.

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about which membership option is best for you. Facet is an SEC registered investment advisor. I'm not a member of Facet, and I have an incentive to endorse Facet, as I have an ongoing fee-based contract for cash compensation based on this endorsement. All opinions are my own and not a guarantee of a similar outcome. I mean, having kids, it's going to be both of you forever.

I have a pros and consular. Is it color-coded? Probably, probably. No, it's just regular. It seems to me that with the ghost of this big amount of debt, that initially when we first started talking, that was something that it seemed hard to move on to these other decisions while this thing was still hovering. And I talk a lot about people who are driving in the fog. It's hard to see past your headlights. And so I might tell them, oh, yeah, in the five miles down the road, there's this awesome restaurant.

And they're like, all I can do is see 25 feet in front of me. It's impossible to see past the fog. But now I feel really confident with the two of you being able to talk about this debt and really make a collaborative plan on that. So once you are able to say, okay, we've decided that, you know, we're going to put this much towards it or not, it's going to be paid off in this many years for that. Do we both feel good? Great. Now you can start talking about the next part of your life, whether or not to grow your family, whether or not to travel, whether or not to both work full time. Those are questions that I think once you tackle the ghost will become a lot easier.

Yeah, I agree. Yeah, I agree too. I've tried to reassure her like, look, I'm okay with not having another kid. It's not like I have to have another kid. You know what I mean? But preferentially wise, it would be nice. I want her to make a decision and know that I will love her no matter what choice she makes. I think that's amazing.

It just confirms for me that she is so loving and she wants to do this together. And I totally get it. She wants to be a part of my life. She wants to help me in any way possible. She's always been that way. She's intensely loyal and she's willing to do whatever it takes. It just confirms to me who she is. To see this dollar amount, which is a large amount of debt,

and to see you both talking about and communicating in a way that's, you're inquisitive, you're asking questions, it's quite rare. In fact, I've had people with one-twentieth of the debt, as you have, and it is truly aggravated their relationship. John, you're right. I think Wendy is a super supportive partner. I feel like she has not allowed herself to dream. And this is like what I've wanted for her.

We've spent this episode hearing what Wendy wants for John and for them, which is to get clarity on that debt, to pay it off, move forward in life. But now we're finally hearing what John wants for Wendy. I want her to be able to dream and think. about herself selfishly because she has been so unselfish ever since I've met her. What is your rich life for each of you? Let's say over the next 20 years. I want to at least contribute to buying a house for my parents. I want a house or a place where we live where Wendy has like a separate room where she has almost like an art studio for her.

herself where she can just like paint, do art, just have her own time, right? I want to have a nanny or like a housekeeper, right? So we don't have to like wash the dishes, do all these things and actually enjoy life. Just being able to do the things that we actually love, like having the time to do that too. And in terms of our love, I want to have trips with only her. Like long extended trips at least a week, just her and I so that we can connect again. I want to have short vacations at least for a month, at least once a year. Wow, that's a lot.

What about you, Wendy? My bucket list. Definitely travel more. Regarding work, John knows this about me, but I love being a dentist. Like everything about it. I want to work until I'm like an old lady at tentes. So I would still be working, but maybe like three days. Okay.

Three, four days. What would you do on those other days? Yeah, I would do my arts and crafts stuff. What do you spend more time on? Go ahead. This human. Of course. Of course.

And I know John was saying this earlier that I've put a lot of stuff on hold. But I guess the way he said it sounds really sad. But I don't think it's sad. You've chosen to do that? Yeah. Like I enjoy doing it. I love doing it. And it's at this age where I can do arts and crafts.

And we can do that all day. And I'm just like, we had the best day today. We did play with stickers. We drew. And like I had so much fun. I think for the two of you, when you start off with dreaming about what you want to do, it could be as simple as you want to go to an art class once a week. Awesome.

I mean, that's funny because that's what John mentioned in the first few minutes of our call today. I really want her to get back into her art. If that's your thing, great. Or it could be something as big as buying a house for your parents, John. But at least you can start there. And then when you talk about your debt and you talk about what are the options we want to do, Now there's a reason why are we going to have this extra money and what do we want to do with it? Now, it could go to debt.

Certainly could. But maybe it might be better served going towards something else in your life. You both work hard. There's got to be something besides just checking boxes. There's got to be something beyond just checking boxes. If John and Wendy decide to put more towards their debt, that's certainly an option. If they decide to put more towards art classes or travel together, that's also their decision. Their rich life is theirs.

But I do believe there's got to be something more than just checking boxes, something more than just moving on to the next thing. Money can be a source of joy, possibility, can be a source of adventure, generosity. I think those are the things that I challenged John and Wendy to think about. What is their rich life? Is it simply going down a list for the next 40 years and moving from one thing to another? Or is there a richer vision, a real tapestry of their rich life that they can create together? That's my challenge for them.

And I'll be very curious to see what they decide. If you've enjoyed this episode, follow or subscribe to I Will Teach You to Be Rich on whatever podcast platform you use. We'll let you know every time we release a new episode. And if you've really enjoyed what you heard so far, rate and review us too. We're just starting out, so that's one of the best ways you can help support us.

Thanks for listening. I'm Rameet Seati, and I'll see you next time. Here's what you'll find next week on the I Will Teach to Be Rich podcast. I think it's really upset because he wants me to be more positive and he wants to be able to do things with his money. Sorry, it makes me feel bad. It's okay. Makes me feel bad that I can't give him those things.