Mysterious Universe - 35.10 - MU Podcast - Jarring Death Rituals

Episode Date: March 13, 2026

Welcome to Mysterious Universe Season 35 Episode number 10! We are here to talk about some of the most jarring funeral ritual customs from around this freaky world. Featuring but not limited to mummy tupperware, the tribe that dresses up their dead to join them for dinner, hella devoted wives who light themselves ablaze to mourn the loss of their dead hubby-hubs, some super fun curses of course, and the possible burial plot of super-savior to some and homeboy to all, Jesus Christ.  For our Plus+ extension, we go into the fantastic book The Dead Have Never Died by Edward C. Randall, who relates experiences of talking directly to dead people, but not in the ordinary sense. He goes with a more blunt interrogatory approach, asking them what it's LIKE to die, what the next phase looks like, what their experiences in the afterlife feel like, and closes out with a bit of philosophical wanderings on what this might mean for every human life, as well as non-human consciousness. Check out the link below and get the new Inescapable Podcast out now. Get both amazing shows for the investment of one through April 14th. Plus+ Members can now find the new feed on your Dashboard and add it to your preferred podcast player. Video - 10 Of The Creepiest Funeral Customs Around The World Video - Lauren the Mortician - The Disturbing Truth About Egyptian Embalming Article - Canopic Jars Article - Curses! Article - Tomb of Jesus Christ Article - The Tomb of Jesus Christ in Japan The Neptune Society and their Underwater Cemetery Article - A Third of Egyptian Animal Mummy Cases Are Empty The Dead Have Never Died LinksPlus+ ExtensionThe extension of the show is EXCLUSIVE to Plus+ Members. To join. click HERE. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Don't pass go and own it all. Only at Yamava, celebrating its 40th anniversary. You win? Details at yamava.com must be 21-20. Please gamble responsibly. Monopoly is a trademark of Hasbro. Hasbro is not a sponsor of this promotion. Welcome to Mysterious Universe Season 35, episode number 10.

The realm is a busy place sometimes here. And if you don't slow down, you could miss it, Joe. They've got collapsing governments, grand awakenings, wars and rumors of wars, all of which with live 24-7 coverage. As we celebrate life by appreciating the various ways, various cultures interpret death and the rituals they value for that final send-off to that great gig in the sky. Featuring but not limited to.

Mummy Tupperware. The tribe that dresses up their dead to join them for dinner. Hella-devoted wives who light themselves ablaze to mourn the loss of their sexy dead hubby-hubs. Some super-fond curses, of course. And the true burial plot of super-savir to some and homeboy to all, Jesus Christ. And it's not where you think.

That's right, kids. We're here to talk about some of the most jarring funeral ritual customs from around this freaky world. I'm your grateful host, Brandon Thomas, and with me as always is the blustering bejeweled, Joe Lytoscope, Hodgid. You said it was going to be macabre and kind of a one-off. So where are we going with this? I mean, you said funeral rituals and things like that, but dressing up you're dead to join you for dinner, I'm down with it. Let's do that. It's so wild. So I found a couple of fun videos which are going to be linked and this is absolute chaff. I'm going to give it to you guys right now. I've done some heavy

multiple parters on the past few releases of mine and I am just very ready to just do something fun, macabre. It's weird. A lot of these are gross. So if you are a little sensitive, you know, just kind of be aware that this is macab shit. It's nasty to some. But this is how folks treat and appreciate their dead in other cultures and the funeral rituals and what they do with the dead vessel after it's done. Some folks feel it's just a vehicle that you were in, and it should be eaten by birds and then pooped out and return to nature. Some folks wrap you up, and we're going to talk about a variety of things,

and then, of course, go into some of the mummification process. I found a great YouTube video by this mortician. All again, links, guys. And she just does a great job. She calls, of course, the Egyptians, the first morticians, and they were the ones yanking guts out. They were also pretty much the first taxidermists. which we're going to talk about as well,

and there was, of course, fuckery involved in that. It's always interesting to hear how other people do the death thing because, I mean, we've talked, I don't know if we've, ourselves have specifically talked about it, but everybody knows that especially in Western culture,

we're very removed from the whole death thing. They've sanitized it and made it real, you know, oh, this person died, and then they stuff them full of cotton or whatever the hell they do, and then maybe you have an open casket,

depending on your method of death, and then you put them, in the ground and that's it and you spend way too much doing it i actually appreciate the i think we've talked about that the viking funeral idea where you put it put them out on the water flaming arrow let them burn and go back to nature let it burn who you're gonna who you're gonna let shoot that arrow aboard but how how would you know funeral homes make a living if we didn't spend six thousand dollars on a box and it's something we can talk about we may get into it um on another thing but yes the funeral industry in the States especially is riddled with fuckery, man.

And that is something that's its own deep dive. I highly recommend if you guys want, check out the testimonies of some funeral home directors or some grave diggers, more specifically, the guys that aren't being paid for the fuckery, the guys that are just digging graves, to see some testimony on that and take it for what you will. These dudes are out at night with a shovel in a graveyard. So who knows where they are, right, mentally, where they are.

But some of them have some really interesting things to say in a lot of overlap. which is pretty interesting. So again, take a look at the fact that all major fast food restaurants own stock in mortuaries. And just let that be the thread that you pull on. Yeah. And you see that recent video of the McDonald's CEO trying to bite into one of his own burgers and he's just like, ew, gross. Yeah. He said that, ooh, gross.

Well, something to that effect. He was not happy with it. He starts retching. So I went down a hole one time with Chat GPT and I was like, hey, give you. me the stats on how many people on average die every year, how many cemeteries there are, how many people get, give me all the stats, how many people get, what do they call it when they burn you down to ash? Cremated.

Cremated. Give me all the stats on that. And the numbers do not math at all. With the amount of people that die, the amount of slots that there are in cemeteries versus the amount of people that are cremated or otherwise, you know, put into a mausoleum or something like that, the numbers don't match with how many. people. There should be new cemeteries being built constantly. When's the last time you saw an under construction cemetery?

Yes. It's really weird. When's the last time you had a new cemetery pop up in your town? Or when's the last time you heard of a grand opening? That's a wonderful point. What are they doing with all these meat popsicles? Where are they going? And then if you want to go even further, start asking chat GPT about how many cows are slaughtered every day for fast food and in general, just the meat, the numbers don't add up. No, they don't. The number of cows we'd have to have for the amount of beef we consume is astronomical.

It's pretty, it's unhinged, but. Especially with the boastful $1 billion proudly served. That's another thing as well, there's not that many cows. So what do we serve them? You know, they didn't say we served cows. So we served you. We've served you. Yes, there's some interesting stuff with eating kosher and all that kind of stuff.

So that's for another show, even though. that we have spent a little time on it. And I don't mind, man, but you're absolutely right. This is going to be less here. There is a couple of stuff from the States, and we're really going to spend some time on the mummies, though, because that one, it was fascinating. And that was a string tug from watching the actual The Mummy with my wife, Mary. And I saw the canopic jars, and I was just, like, instantly, my elf goes that tug on that. And so I found just a bunch of stuff. And so that's what we're going to go over. But before we get to all that, what do you been up to this week? Not a whole lot stuff around the house. I think I told you on the last show, just doing

normal spring cleaning type stuff. I know you did a bunch of that stuff too. Yeah, yard work galore, building a new chicken coop, just doing, tending my garden, I guess you could say. Beautiful, beautiful. Yes, it spring feels like it wants to be sprung over here. We've already seen a June, we've seen one Junebug and one Dragonfly, which is just unseasonably early for this time of year. Maybe we had some just free agents out there, just really ready to get it going and Herald the coming of spring but stuff starting to bud but you just wait until your pecan trees guys let all that stuff butt off we still like a month until easter so happy most of the cold is gone it seems to be a nice spring feel around here even you know it gets that smell you walk outside you're like it smells

like spring it has that fresh smell to it so i'm excited i can't wait for summer that's the emu weather report gang now uh joe what do you got coming up in plus before we get to these rituals sir Well, that is going to be, again, a surprise because I have too many things I'm looking at to settle on one. So I will settle on one. Stay tuned for Plus because it's always fun. But I have not decided yet. We're like a Cracker Jackbox. You know what I've got from the title and all that kind of stuff.

But we get to find out what the prize is at the end here. And I'm very excited about that. So sign up for Plus and the Links. I use my magic eight ball and a couple dice and figure out what I do. This is a great thing to have, though, man. Because same as you. I'm working on a few things. And this is the one.

Then I was like, no, no, no, do this first. Okay. So now, before we kill it with death rituals, thank you guys again for hanging out. Definitely sign up in the links down below. You can get the Inescapable through April 14th, as well as us. The feed is already available for all the Plus members.

And thank you guys, again, for signing up and sticking with us to see what Joe covers here and all the other really cool stuff that we're doing. Inescapable, Ben and Aaron just been killing it over there. If that's your... Your style of show, they're doing a great job, just laying it all out there. Probably going to get arrested soon, but I love it. I just love hearing them talk about, you know, other things now. It's fun.

I do too. And it feels like I passed them on the mountain, you know, because I was ready to get back into UFOs and shit. Because I really, I'd put all this stuff down for quite a while. And really kind of went into that realm and was like, ah, I'm just kind of, I'd like to get back to this. And they're like, you know what? Trade. So this is perfect. But again, guys, sign up in the links below.

get the plus stuff as well as Inescapable through April 14th. So sign up because like things abutting around here, it's going to be April 14th before you know it. Again, guys, thank you for joining us for this banger. We got a lot of great suggestions and emails as well. I want to shout out Dylan Owen. He's just a sweetheart. Just a very nice guy who wrote in and had a hilarious nature to his email and just wanted to thank him personally. We connected and he's just a very cool guy. He actually is over there and referenced your time slip anomaly because he is shops at that bookstore. So this is somebody that, listen, he's a Welsh guy. All right, Joe, you ready for it?

Do it. Okay, let's go over this. All right, we're going to face death and learn new shit. That could be the tagline for the realm, honestly. That is what we're all here to do is face death and learn new shit. All right, so beliefs regarding the soul staying near or close to the body after death very widely. And I just wanted to kind of point out here a couple of different things that folks will talk about. So usually people say some traditions will report that the body still has a soul inhabiting it for about three to seven days.

So when's the average time that you're going to chuck grandma on the ground if she dies tomorrow, Joe? Isn't it usually like three days or something like that? It's pretty quick, isn't it? Yeah. But we're well under the seven days. So even if it's under the top end of that, even on the low end, maybe they made it. Maybe, you know, you kind of get trapped in some of these vessels, if not done right. And here are a couple of ritual options for you guys to kind of pick through to see if the burial

option in your local area is for you or, you know, if you want to travel somewhere and get it done somewhere else perhaps and check something else out. Now, let's talk about a few various practices. And like I was saying earlier, dressing up the dead. The Haraja people of Indonesia have an extremely bizarre funerary custom on the island of Sulawesi. They treat their dead loved ones as if they were still alive, feeding them, keeping them cozy in bed, and dressing them in their best clothes. This allows them to live with them until it is time for their elaborate funeral. Now, once buried, their relatives

visit regularly to change their clothes, clean the corpses, and remove insects. The ritual is known as Manini, which translates to care of the ancestors and caring for the corpses and having a grand funeral are all important to the Taraja people. They save for their lives. They go through, do these extravagant funerals. They basically save their entire lives all their way just so that they can have something really cool happen when they die. It's the ultimate paying it forward in the afterlife, but you're materially doing so

so that you have something material to usher you in. Not unlike, again, a lot of elaborate funeral rituals like mummification or something like that. Oh, the Egyptians were real big into the whole death thing. Oh, we're going to get into it. Yes, there they were. So what are your thoughts on this? To do this for the deceased, would you want this to be part of your decision, you know, your options for when you die? Yeah, why not? I mean, it better than the, it's just a bummer. Like, funerals are just a bummer in general. You might as well make it a party. Like, hey, he's transitioned. He's moved on to the next thing. It's probably way cooler. We don't know, but it probably is, so do it up.

Don't you do this all dressed in black and, oh, sad songs, and what a great guy. Now, talk about how stupid I was. Do that. How he couldn't see the color red. He got so confused. I had to be like, oh, no, that's green guy. It is. It's like this weekend that Bernie's sort of take on it.

It's like, okay, well, we'll just get Grandma out. We've got a new dress for her. She's going to love it. We've got her favorite dinner prepared, and then there's a bunch of bugs that you're like, oh grandma let me get that off you and you're just picking maggots off their face and stuff so they don't fear the debt they embrace them they caring for people who have died years after people in western societies would have just buried them in the ground like so much trash and this is the thing is like to us it may sound really fucking weird but to them this is just

the way that this is all of them do it so if if everyone's doing it it's just the way isn't it our way is weird to them yeah and our way is still weird to us now um there's another one here hanging coffins, the Igeret tribe of the mountainous northern region of the Philippines have practiced burying their dead loved ones in coffins nailed to the side of cliffs for centuries. Archaeologists and historians don't know exactly how long this has been happening, but it predates the arrival of the Spanish in the Philippines by at least 2,000 years. The tribe believes that burying their loved ones high up on the side of mountains will make them closer to ancestral spirits because that's where they hang out.

float around above your head. That's where they're at. So let's chuck the coffins up there and just call it a day here. Now, fear of being buried beneath soul because they knew water would fill into their coffins. They just had this innate knowledge about that and they weren't interested in that, causing the skeleton to rot. They said, no, thank you. The sides of the cliff seemed the best option for these suspended animators of old. Coffins for this burial are typically small with the corpses buried in the fetal position, which is another strange belief among the Igarot tribesmen who say that everybody should leave this world the same way that they entered it,

curled up like a teeny tiny little baby fetus. What do you think about that? Nailing a coffin to the wall? Definitely strange. I mean, abnormal to us. But hey, if it works for you. If it works for you, hang it up there. You know, decorated nice. Now, have you heard of endocannibalism? No.

Oh, do you want to take a guess at what it is? Eating the dead, maybe? You're so perceptive, yes. No canabilism. No waste. I like it. Yeah, right. No waste.

Very nice. Now, endocannibalism is an ancient ritual where mourners eat the flesh of a deceased family member or friend. Hey, buddy. So you've been taking good care of yourself, and I see you checked over there. Nice more one. Yeah, I'm just going to gnaw on you. you have not been skipping leg day. Thank you for that.

It's like attending a funeral where everybody takes a small bite out of the deceased. And you think of the spirit party stuff with that weird lady. Marina Romovich. There it is, yeah. And she does stuff like this. But this is for real. Tribe members do this out of respect, of course, believing that eating enough of a dead person's meat will absorb their wisdom. Now, what if the guy was a dumbass?

You know, I don't need the wisdom of this one on the proper race. of Frito to Pie, you know? What are your thoughts on this, man? Yeah, there's not, I wouldn't want to eat anybody, but especially dumb people. You don't want to eat dumb people, just in case. As a rule, right? I just think that that's a good line of practice. You know, how intelligent was this dude? You know, how quick could he do a Rubik's Cube? How many spike proteins do you have going through your system, that kind of thing? Microplastics and shit you. Now, this is the 4A tribe in Poopo, New Guinea, has practiced cannibalism for generations, which doesn't make it okay. does it, Joe? They focused mostly on women and small children doing the eating in the flesh of adult males.

Ew. There were strange rules like women having to eat their brother's brain or hands. Now, would you eat your brother's brain or hands to gain his women's and lethal hand-to-hand combat skills, Joe? Does Ben have hand-to-hand combat skills? No. I'll just learn it myself. Fair enough. Shout out, Ben. Now, endocannibalism isn't unique to the 4A tribe.

The Wari tribe and the Amazon practice it to transform dead bodies into spirits, which as we learned from Kirupuru means that they make them a wee-wee. Remember the wash your wee-wees? Yep. I bet they wash their wee-wees and ate them, dude. What's up with that? Hopefully not. They believe that eating the flesh of the deceased would cycle their soul back into the natural world as food for wildlife.

So I eat you? I poop you, you make a tree. Ugh. Laugh. Anthropologist Beth Cochlin says the Wari tribe use this ritual to process their grief, helping to quell sad memories. Just over there crying and your uncle, eating them. So what do you think of this ritual? My God, do you believe that eating your loved ones when their dead gives the wisdom of the dead?

I don't know. on some level it must have some effect because why do these weirdos these spirit cooker people why do they do that what's got to be something to it but yes it's probably much darker than people want to even think about so it's probably exactly what they're representing which is dark and shit even just placebo maybe they just think it gives them their wisdom or whatever and they so it it helped i don't know when it raises an interesting question because like let's say that people volunteer for this like it wouldn't at a certain point become a factory like with again vampires that are trying to simulate blood but they can't do that but then you have people who will willingly be blood bags for these blood bags for these folks and sit there and let them suck on them and all that kind of stuff and just kind of let them feed off of them because they're into that you know gimps or whatnot but it's kind of a kink actually I think right but do you think it could be a kink for some folks to fucking get murdered and eaten at a party by will feral I'm sure there is there is a really macabre story out of I think it was in Germany but the guy that

Wanted the dude to come over and basically cook his waiter and eat it. Yes, I remember that. And he like sautees it with garlic. This is really gross. Yes. It was a real story, apparently, and Romstein made a song about it. Oh, do host. Very nice.

No, a different song, but yeah. I know. That was the only thing I knew from Romstein. So he was said. Now buried in a tree in 2,200 BCE. This is a group of kelks gave a strange burial to a woman in Zurich, Switzerland, 2200 years ago. They dressed her corpse in sheep's wool, a shawl, and sheep's skin coat, and placed her inside

of a hollowed-out tree trunk. The woman was likely of high status, as her fine garment suggested that she was around 40 years old when she died. And not just anybody gets chucked into tree trunk, man. You got the treatment, you know. Oh, my God. She was decorated with rich jewelry, including necklaces, bracelets, and a bronze belt chain with pendants.

the woman's grave was discovered by construction workers and another grave from the same time was found nearby. Now, this one was of a male, not inside of a tree trunk. They lived during a time when much of Austria-Svieterland and other parts of Western Europe were occupied by the Celts, who most famously lived on the British Shals. Now, however, the Celts and their strange rituals were considered the enemy of Julius Caesar,

and he ended their way of life by crushing. them with his Roman Empire. Boom. Just like everybody else. That's right. And that's part of that Flavian takedown that we talked about on Caesar's Messiah. Now, as for why they bury people inside tree trunks or at least this one lady, nobody knows. We don't know.

What are your speculations, Joe? Why would you chuck somebody in a tree? I'm sure it has some religious element to it. But is that good for the tree, do you think? Because, you know, I mean, putting people in the ground is supposed to be like fertilizer, as long as they're in the dirt. so they can properly decompose and the worms can eat them and all that stuff. But directly into a tree, I don't know if that's going to be good for the tree.

Yeah, I don't know how that works, you know? I mean, because I don't need my pizza directly on top of my head. I'd like it in my mouth. And so the tree is not eating from inside of its trunk. You know, and is it just like a slow release? Is that just sort of a way to slowly let the body decay? Time release. Yeah, yeah, maybe that's it.

Yep, it just took a long time. Very interesting. But yes, it's supposedly very good. And there is a company that will bury you in a very eco-friendly bag, and they'll take all of your mixed fiber clothings off and all that kind of stuff, and then dip you in with a tree grown out of the top of where you were planted. And then you feed, you turn it to this goop and feed the damn tree, and then your grandkids can swing under you.

There's other ways, too. I don't know if you're going to get into that, but where they can take your ashes after you're cremated and basically press you into a diamond. There's another story. It's not a diamond, but you're very close. close, but I didn't know about the diamond, but of course. That makes sense because they just make diamonds anyway, which is a hilarious thing that they could say that they could just go ahead and create for you.

Oh, yeah. Brilliant. What, you mean the diamond trade is rigged? You could just make one. Then why you got guys chucking them out of the holes in the ground and dying and shit? What's up with that? I mean, as romantic of an idea that is, like, wearing your dead loved one on your finger. It's a bit weird.

I mean, at least from our point of view, mine. It might give you their powers, but it also might give you their gambling habit. So you got to be careful. Yeah, oh, why am I an alcoholic now? Shit, grandma. You said this place was steps from the water. We just haven't found the steps yet. How much did we save?

Enough. Enough to get lost. Or you could book a stay with Hilton. Welcome to your oceanfront room. Just steps from the water. The Hilton sale is on now. Book on Hilton.com or the Hilton app and save up to 20% to get the stay you expected.

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Have you heard about these? The sky burials? I think you talked about that before. This is honestly, if I'm picking, this would be mine right now as it stands, or something better. Let's say that. So it was traditional to take the body of a dead person and drag it to the top of a mountain, chop it into pieces, and throw it all across the ground so that the vultures could come the scraps. Doesn't that sound delightful? Yummy.

This kind of tradition is known as a scab burial and is also practiced in China and Monguria. Not meant to disrespect the dead, of course. Instead, it's a perfect example of one of the main Buddhist tenets' compassion. There's nothing more compassionate.

Feed the birds. Yeah, that's right, because Buddhist bereave in kindness towards all living things. And the idea that since your body is complete worthlessness anyway, only used as a host for your spirit, other creatures may as well be nourished by your remains. This is the old, you're out to sea, you and four folks are in a raft, one of them just kills over, dehydration or something, they're the first to go.

Do you let that meat go to waste? Or do you live a couple days snacking on Deborah over there? Depends on how much mad cow disease you want, or the prion disease, or whatever people get from cannibalism. Over here, though, cutting a body into pieces and feeding it to the birds, pretty sure that would be a felony, desecration of a corpse maybe? But what if it's expressed in my will that that's what I want? Like, get me shot out of a cannon.

Like, I want that. I want you to chuck me off a cannon and let me splatter on the ground and let birds eat me. That's what I want. I'm sure that you would have, as long as they got their money, they'd probably be cool with it. As long as you paid the license and registration fee for it, they'd probably let you do it. Yeah, right? As long as you paid in and just made it out of it.

Okay. Well, I think it's kind of fun. Yeah. I think it's kind of fun. Now, they really saw the body as nothing. but a shell so it makes sense to recycle the body the best way possible again deborah you're looking pretty good over there because you died i mean we know you're dead we've confirmed it you're good we're going to snack on you still the inner workings of sky burials are a little more jarring

to those who don't practice them like us so would you like this are you ready for this do it now if you're eating something or something maybe take a break and come back but we're going to break this down for you okay so just a heads up though for the sensitive listeners of which we are sensitive to. So there you go. Now, the corpse is put into a sitting position for two days. Necessary prayers are recited, and then the spine is broken

so that the corpse can be folded and taken to the burial site. It's easier to carry, Joe. Family members usually accompany the course on the journey while beating drums and chanting. Check out the dinner bell. Now, once they get to the site, the bodybreakers burn juniper to get the attention of the vultures

they remove the hair from the dead person rip out their limbs with axes and sledge hammers flame the meat from the bones and then throw slices to the vultures and repeat as necessary until there's nothing left except bones this is gnarly see I'm not usually into this stuff

but I found some of it really really interesting how are you doing over there? Oh I'm fine with it Okay. As long as it's just, you know, in theory or, uh... Um, no, they do this shit. No, I mean, like in work, like if I were to actually see that happening, then that's when I'd have probably more of a problem with it.

If we're just talking about it, it's all good. Like, if your friend died, like when I, when I kick over, if you're still around, and that's what I want, you won't go to my funeral if this is what I want? If you really... Yeah, you're a good friend. Yeah, I would do it for you. I really want you there. I'll let you pick the cannon out.

How about that? You get to pick out the cannon that shoots me and what's written on the side of it. Do I get to fire it? Yes. Well, maybe. You'll have to flip for that with Mary because I'm sure she'd want that on her as well. Maybe there's a dual button. You guys can turn two keys at the same time and then fucking shoot me.

Okay. Now, let's go over another one. Underwater Burials. Do you know that they had this? There's a bizarre funeral ritual happening off the coast of Florida, of course. It's beneath the waves is one of the largest man-made reefs in the world, originally inspired by the lost city of Atlantis. Yes, the Atlantians, that's what they were thinking. We bury our dead all over the place under this water and then just go to them.

But it's an actual cemetery filled with creepy stone columns and statues of lions and dead bodies. The reef opened as an underwater cemetery 40 feet beneath the surface just off the coast of Key Biscayne. It was created by the Neptune Society, which has been providing funeral services since 1973. This one actually makes more sense to me because at least you're going to naturally, you know, well, you're going to blow it up pretty good, but you're going to naturally decompose. The fish are going to eat you, probably down to nothing. And then, hey, cycle of life. That one actually makes sense.

You got a cool skeleton hanging down there, which then you could sell to medical schools or something like that or prop comics. It's interesting. I mean, and these folks have been doing it since 1973. and according to the Guardian, this was the first underwater mausoleum in the world. Now, of course, I have linked this thing, the Neptune Society and their underwater cemetery. If you want to check it out, it's pretty cool, actually. I don't know that I would go there. And, you know, this is the other thing.

If you don't want your family to visit your gravesite, probably, you know, get buried here, maybe. So the ashes of the dead are burned and submerged in plots, allowing people to sleep with the fishes forever. The cemetery currently has enough room to hold 120. 25,000 burial plots, but getting to it is a bit of the pain in the ass there. If you decide to be entombed here for a family member to visit you, they either need to take a boat, snorkel three miles off of the coast, or strap on a scuba tank. Or a cannon. Or a cannon, yeah.

Okay, so they're cream eating them before. Yeah, they cremated them before they dunk them in there. Creamed them and then just sort of, yeah, they're not just like dead bloated bodies. I know the imagery, the way we made it sound is salacious, but. Yes, it sounds like there are a couple like that, but for the most part, they do just a cremation, and then they stick a sack of you in there somewhere in the cave. Yeah, so you can swim by and go, oh, there's fucking Dave. Which sack is Dave? Yeah, now Dave's sacks over here.

Now, have you heard of the Zoroastrians? Yes. Zohorah Mazda and all that with the wings and the dope-ass logo. Yeah, I'm not super familiar with all their beliefs or whatever, but I've definitely heard of them. You can't just recite their funeral rights offhand? You're not just super familiar with? God, man. Now, I wasn't either, so I needed to look it up.

I have to do more reading. Zoroastrian is one of the oldest religions, of course, in the world that is still practiced today. It's about twice as old as Christianity, having been practiced for 4,000 years. It was the state religion for Persia until the Muslim conquests tried to stamp it out in the 17th century AD. And the Persians who wanted to escape Muslim persecution fled to India, where the religion still holds power to this very day. Now, according to History.com, there are roughly 200,000 worshippers worldwide, and it is considered the minority religion in certain parts of Iran and India.

Now, one of the beliefs of Zoroastrians is that when a person stops breathing, their body becomes impure. Ew, it's icky now. It's sort of that joke that Seinfeld made about your hair. You don't mind if it's on your head, but the second it comes off of your head, it's Absolutely disgusting. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Or in the drain. It makes a little sink squirrel. Yeah, that's gross. Sink squirrel. Death is considered the work of an evil entity called Engra Manitou. Engramanitu. While things of nature and earth are pure works of God. So God doesn't make dead things.

Dead things are the work of something evil. Sort of like the Egyptian belief in sunrise and sunset. You got the rise over there and then set at night. it was a battle. Contaminating decaying matter with some like fire or water is sacrilege, but they also cannot burn or bury the bodies as a rule of their religion. But instead they create towers called the Hakma or towers of silence and expose the dead to the sun and birds.

Mumbai is one of the only places where this is still practiced. Over half of India's Zoroastrians live there in Mumbai. Okay, so let's talk about burning wives. of Sati. It's a banned funeral custom in India. Now this ancient Hindu tradition involved a widow throwing herself onto the death pyre of her deceased husband, self-immodulating. What do you think about that? I mean, I guess if you're super sad, then let her go. Like, if she's just going to live the rest of her life sad and, you know, bummed out, then your body of your choice, I guess. Now, that's a great point, and that's how it started. Now, initially, it was going to be

considered a voluntary act of courage and romance. But later, it became a forced sacrifice, sometimes even considered murder. And the point was that a woman... Exactly. And the point was that a woman couldn't live without her husband, and the only way for the marriage to end was for her to be a dutiful wife and to follow him into the afterlife on fire. Oh, these women, they can't live without their men, so go jump on the fire.

I've got the vapors. Do you see Jen taking the flying swan dive on this pyre, for you, bro? No, I know. She'd move on, huh? Yeah, probably. She'd just find happiness, and you'd want that for her. Now, between the 15th and 18th centuries, an estimated 1,000 widows were burned alive each year in India. They're just getting rid of bitches. Looking more like a human sacrifice and a tender act of mad love now, isn't it? And the custom ended when the British colonized India and banned it in 1850. Oh, you there? Stop that, forthwith. The British ordered... Uncivilized, uncivilized, I No!

New! The British ordered that any Hindu priests who presided over a woman being burned alive was to be hanged. Yes, you should be hanged for that. Last one, and this one is because you couldn't live without the latest trend in body fashion statements. And you talked about this, and the diamonds now in Korea, there's an alternative for burying or cremating the dead. Instead, South Koreans make beads out of their dead relatives' ashes, turning them into shiny beads. The beads available in blue, pink, or black are kept on dishes or in fancy glass containers as decorative ways to keep deceased loved ones nearby. See, even they say they keep them on dishes and in fancy glasses.

They're not foolish enough to wear them either. They may be on to something. They may know about that. They're like, no, we're not going to string it up for you. There's a recent trend, not an ancient custom thing or anything like that. CEO of the death bead company, Bon Yang, recently told the Associated Press that he makes around 500 beads from human remains annually. The process costs roughly $1,000, and its popularity has increased due to South Korea's limited space for burials. Hey, that's cheaper than a coffin.

It's brilliant marketing for everybody, honestly. You just have the beads. It's cheaper. Maybe that's the new custom. And instead of overcrowding cemeteries, people can turn their loved ones into corpses with colorful beads with different shit displaying on them. Don't quote me on this, but I'm pretty sure if you have a human buried on your property, it's then considered something else and you don't have to pay property tax. Again, don't quote me on that. Well, you can quote you on that.

That's an actual thing depending on where you are, and I'm not sure if it's different state to state. But in the states, for sure, you don't pay property tax because it's considered a heritage site or a burial because you're, tending the dead. So yes. Some look at it as a wasted meal. You looked at it as property tax evasion, and I like that. Yeah. Well done. Mm-hmm. So there's this YouTuber called Lauren Moritian. Have you ever heard of her? I think so, actually. She does some pretty cool stuff. And she did this one called The Disturbing Truth about Egyptian embalming. And we're going to go over a little bit of it because it's freaking fascinating. Now, I'm going to link the video so you guys definitely go over it. But she was talking about again

how the Egyptians were the first morticians and that the embalmers would remove the organs placed in conopic jars that were guarded by Horace's sons. The heart was weighed against the feather of Matt, M-A-A-A-T, in the afterlife, right? If it was heavier than the feather, you got eaten by a demon. How about that?

If it was too heavy with sin or eaten by a demon. Now, some keep the heart in while others replaced it with a scarebor and amulet to fake good behaviors, sneaking mummies. And do you think that would have worked, but they just hide something in there and study your heart and pass it off for something better?

So the body was filled with linen and spices and sawdust to keep the skin full and lifelike. Look at it. It looks like you're dancing yesterday. Then came 40 days of Natron, which is a salt blend that turned you into ancient jerky, basically. Now, the final step was theatrical, and there was singing and dancing,

and oils and resins were painted on like embalming armor. And the face masked in gold and amulets slipped between the linen wrappings for magical insurance. And I didn't know this.

But they each wrapping meant something the way it went on and there were spells that they would cast at the same time that they would wrap it like they would sing a certain prayer as they were wrapping this mummy up. Each wrap meant something different.

They would tuck amulets in there. And this is for the exceptional funerals, by the way. We're not going to get to the good better best. Yes, because not everybody got this treatment either. You think of mummification, you think, oh, everybody got the same? No, there was a shit option for this, too. We're going to go over it. Now, the coffin was wood and painted with a painted smile and eyes that never looked the same direction. Now, this, of course,

is better known as the Steve Buscemi. That's right. Then there's the Egyptian equivalent of a budget burial for regular mortals, and the cheapest form of a mummification, no jars, no oles, No gold mask, just goop and sand. Some embalmers injected cedar and plant resin directly into the pooper and corked it shut, which liquefied the internal organs. Then just, man, they're looking ahead. Good job. It's efficient. And then the sun just dried you out.

They wrapped you and buried you quickly. Maybe in a tomb if anybody gave a shit about you or in the desert if they didn't. That is why, like you said, turning into ancient jerky, if you've seen the pig, of mummies when they take the linen cloths off. It really does look like that. It's like dehydrated. They didn't exactly have industrial-sized dehydrators back then. So the sun plus some chemicals.

There you go. And this natron is found. It's a chemical mix. And we're going to go over the composition here in a minute. It's a mix of sodium carbonate, baking soda salt, and sodium sulfate. And it's all found within the sand there. And they first discovered this practice would preserve mummies because they would, where are they going to bury their dead out there?

they chuck it in the sand. And then maybe it blows open. Some wind comes off, maybe a year later, and this thing's still there. Looks like it died the other day, but just a little drier. It's very preserved. So they figured out then that, oh, there's something to do with this sand, these salt properties that are in there. And I don't think that they're stupid.

This is sort of the idea that they were dumb and then figured this out. I think they knew what it was. I know what's in the sand. They knew how to break things down. But either way, there was a certain period of time here where the funeral practices did evolve and change. And so the idea here is that they started putting them out in the sand. sand somewhere. They noticed this natron

salt existed within the sand itself naturally out there and then started utilizing it with other compounds to preserve bodies. And the foresight to use the oils, I think it was, is it Frankenstance or Mur? It's one of the two. You got Mer in here, Frankenstance and

mer being used in this process later, but go ahead. Yeah, to keep it from stanking. Yeah, yeah. Composes. They knew it. They knew it was up. They definitely knew it was up. And this is just fascinating. And again, all this was started because of watching the mummy with my wife. Now, if that was too rich for your former blood, then you were buried naked in the sand, and you just let the heat do the work, like you said. Mother Nature is the

original mortician, is what she says in that video, and I agree with her. Now, your net worth determined your mummification. It's all about the binge of mummies. Oh, my God. They removed the brain through the nose with a hook. The embalmer would use a metal rod, sometimes with a curve tip. They would insert it through the nostril, fracture the thin bone right there that everybody was getting broken when they were getting COVID tests. And between the nasal cavity and the brain, and then stir it around like a smoothie. And sometimes they would use water to flush it out,

all the pulp that was in there, but that wasn't always effective. You're like, oh, I've got a stubborn one here. And sometimes they had to break up in the skull from the back to extract what was left. I remember learning about that when I was probably like eight. Maybe one of my times looking through an encyclopedia for fun, but I remember hearing about removing the brain with a hook through the nose.

and it was like a cognitive dissonance. You know, I'm like, that can't be true. There's no way they actually did that. And then a documentary came on where it kind of showed like a, maybe a CGI-ish type of thing of how it worked. And I was like, oh my God, no, please tell me they didn't do that. They did. And why I love our cycle sinking is because the next line in my notes,

are you ready for it? Yeah. Sometimes they just left the brain in, especially for lower tier burials, which speed mattered more than tradition. Now the next line, Joe, did you know that the Egyptians didn't value the brain at all? Weird. And this is why they did this removal of it. So they believed that the heart.

Yes, exactly, purated and yanked it out. It was just nonsense. They were just like, oh, get this shit out of here. They believed that the heart was a seat of thought and emotion. So the brain was often just checked out. They didn't want it. An archaeologists have found skulls with hardened resins haphazardly sloshed around inside of it, meaning that the embalmer must have just poured preservatives in there

without cleaning the brain mush out first. It just, again, in a hurry. Resins were the real superstars of the mummification process, she says here. And the corpse preserving concoctions in ancient Egypt rivaled modern mortuary chemicals, like you were talking about. Now, here this Natron, this is a mix of sodium carbonate, baking soda, salt, and sodium sulfate was used for this. Pine resin, sticky, antimicrobial, and myrrh, and frankincense, chafungal fighters, were also employed.

And the thing about natron as well as it's part of the 12 salts also. Natrium, natrium sulfate, natrium phosphate, that's this. It's the same damn thing. And so again, that they were doing this and it does the same thing. It helps reorganize moisture in the body and remove it. If it needs it at it, if it does. It's just a really interesting thing that they knew this and it was just in the sand out there. Some people see an ocean of just nonsense and desert and sand, and these folks knew what to do with it.

There's also cedar oil, which is a natural degreaser, in bitumen, a tar-like substance that gave mummies an asphalt-like appearance that made them look like a struck match like you were talking about. Historians believe that bitumen gave the term mummia, which medieval doctors later ground into a powder and sold as medicine. Did you know that they used to eat mummies? Oh, my God. I mean, I think it was China, wasn't it? They grind up rhino horns and say that gives you a boner. Yeah, yeah. Well, why wouldn't it?

It looks like a boner, doesn't it? Yeah. See how it's all reflective in nature? They're like, well, that looks like a bono. It must give me a big horn. Oh, give me a ray job. Now, some royal tomb oils contained non-Egyptian ingredients, suggesting that there was a global supply chain for distribution for embalming products back then.

And oils were applied in various ways, including pouring into body cavities, painting onto the skin, and then soaking the linen strips to be able to then wrap with. And some acted like glue sealing wrappings, while others sealed off bacteria, and some provided scent, like the myrrh and frankincense you spoke of. The Pharaoh's body received the post-mortem spa treatment, she claims in there. Embalming was a sacred performance art. In the opening of the mouth ceremony, the final step after the seven days of mummification, symbolically restored the deceased's ability to speak, breathe, eat, and live. It said 70 days that they let the body sit out, There was 40 days earlier.

And then the 70 total, though, in this entire process. And then they have the opening of the mouth ceremony, which they open it up, which is another thing that some cultures believe that if you don't open the mouth, the soul gets stuck in the body. And what do we do with grandma whenever we chuck her in a wooden box? They sew the mouth shut. So it doesn't come open because it's creepy for open funerals. I don't want little Timmy seeing the mouth open.

So they sew it shut because of our fragile disposition. And this is the thing too, if they make you scared of death, they make it creepy, then anything revering the death or anything beneficial to the death or even you after you're dead doesn't apply to you because it's icky and you don't want to do it. It is weird how, I mean, out of everything that happens in your life for every single person, death is pretty much the only guaranteed thing we're all going to have to do. And the billions that have gone before us all did it too. So why is it this weird stigmatized thing?

I mean, I get it because I grew up in Western culture too. It is kind of weird, but it's also like, that's going to be you someday. You can't get around that. So why deny it? That's the mature approach, though, to take. And this is, again, while we're doing this, you know, it's a good way to sort of face your mortality and say, man, you know, I'm just kind of leaving it up to my relatives or something. Maybe my mom doesn't know that I want to be shot out of a cannon and splattered on the ground for birds to feast on me. Like, maybe she doesn't.

And I've just got to make sure I articulate that. So just get your affairs and orders, maybe it guys. You still got forever to live, I'm just saying. Now, in ancient Egypt, people believed in an afterlife and used ceremonial tools, often shaped like blades and stuff. Now, priests also might impersonate Anubis wearing jacko-headed masks during ceremonies. And how about that, Joe? You're just being buried while a mask man chants while you're wrapped. They're wrapping up your course, and this dude puts on this dog helmet and starts dancing around.

Pretty metal. Now, they also had professional mourning. which were, of course, the first crisis actors. They wailed, they pulled hair, they threw dust, and sometimes even bled for dramatic effect. Two women often represented the goddess's Isis and Nepotis, weeping at the head and foot of the body. Oh my God, he was such a sensual lover and a snappy dresser.

The Lord took my boy. Egyptians may have invented taxidermy as a new animal mummification industry existed with millions of cats and crocodiles, mummified. They had baboons, bulls, and animals associated with gods were also in bombed. And they have pictures of these huge freaking bulls, man, mummied up. And they look awful. It looks so bad, but they mummified mummies and shit. Didn't they bury them with their cats, too? Egyptians were big with cats. They thought

they were like spiritual creatures. But demand led to shortcuts. Some cat mummies were just fur and sticks. Holy shit. How are you doing this? Like, you really had no idea. Not only that, you're not reading it, but yes, man, they did. And I have now to mention a article that I'm linking above a 2015 study found that one third of animal mummies were empty suggesting fraud. So they would take sticks or stuffing or something like this, stuff all of that, and then wrap it and then give it back to you and tell you that was Mr. Fluffy Pants. And then you would like pass this down, you would cry over it. You would, you know, think that that was Mr. Fluffy Pants. Meanwhile, they just kept the cat for themselves?

I don't know what they did with it, man. Maybe they mummified another one. They're like, oh, shit, we got two orders. We only got one cat. You know, maybe they had two cats with one mummification. And they just sort of split the thing in half, stuck sticks in the upper half. Yeah, Egyptian bogo deal. Yeah, there you go.

Absolutely. Now, again, guys, that's going to be linked if you want to check out that entire article. And sacrifice was practiced in the afterlife, especially during the early dynastic periods. and mass graves found around royal tombs containing young men, servants, and possibly wives, some strangled, poison, or even chosen for honor. They're like, okay, well, he died, so I got to go get choked out and go sit in this tomb. Or they seal you up and let you suffocate in there, man. That's crazy.

Some people are found with like 70-something warriors inside there with them, 70 servants, warriors and wives, and they just go, well, shit, this old man died. Like, that's a good, if you want to put in your resume, when the, dude starts getting old, be like, you know, I've got a calling to go be a farmer. I'm just going to bail on all this, man. You guys have the entourage. I get it. I'm leaving the gold, blah, blah, blah.

Dude croaks in two weeks. I don't got to go sit in a sealed tomb and die. You know what I mean? That's, uh, they just don't make loyalty and dedication like they used to. That's right. Now, the volunteer might have been loosely defined back then, and eventually this practice faded and was replaced with tiny statues that could symbolically do the labor and the afterlife for them. It's like figuring out the door you were pushing has a pull on.

this whole time instead of jumping over the wall when you want in, you know, you're like, wait, holy shit. I like to see the think tank behind that. They're like, hey, guys, crazy idea. Instead of actually dying, we just put little statues in there. How's that? Hear me. They're like, hey, good idea.

Jim gets a promotion. In ancient Egypt embalmers delayed embalming beautiful women sometimes for three to four days to let decomposition set in. Do you want to guess why? Necropheliac? No, tell me why. Because they didn't want to do it for spiritual reasons. It's because some men just couldn't resist glazing that donut one more time.

Oh, my God. That is foul. They delayed the process to protect the women from temptation. Oof. Girl, you're looking good. What's up? Yeah, you're a little dead. That's all right.

That's okay. You just died. Yeah, yeah. So, and now. For your forever home, when you died, you were basically a corpse nesting doll. And each layer was fancier in the last one. So the inner coffin was usually human-shaped and wood and painted like your sexiest self. Then you had a middle coffin, which is your outerwear for the afterlife, right?

And you've got the morbid chic, sometimes gilded to perfection there. Farotut, known as King Tut, had three nested coffins inside a sarcophagus inside four nested shrines. That's the famous one, right? the big gold mask that everybody's familiar with. That's what I picture every mummy with, but I think he was a special case, wasn't he? Yes, and King Tut's burial, she says in here, was messy. His body was charred from the embalming oles sealed too tight,

and that the paint was still wet when he was sealed. Wasn't he only like 14 or something too? He's super young. Yeah. And the famous gold mask didn't even fit his screaming mummy face. Can you imagine? So they jammed it on there. I mean, besides all the maca.

mummification and all that. Can you imagine the leader of your country being like 12? It might be better than what we have now. I don't know. Yeah. I think it, well, cognitively, they were probably more mature than what we got the psychopaths running around now. Because the psychopaths we have running around now can like operate vehicles and breed and stuff like that. The others, I think they just kind of sat there. But then they also had, you know, they were, they had puppets, other people who would influence them. Right. And at 12, how much constitution do you have to stand up for sure? like that.

Now, the screaming mummy was found with its mouth wide open, no wrappings, no tomb, possibly buried alive or disgrace. Likely this Prince Pentaware, who helped assassinate his father, Ramsey the 3rd, had received a bad burial treatment. And this is like the mummy from the movie The Mummy. They got Mummified alive. He had no name on the coffin, no dignity, just 3,000 years of mouth wide open screaming for this mummy.

And in ancient Egypt, they prepared bodies for public rituals where the public would come and check them out. This is the ancient Egyptian morticians used linen and beeswax to smooth faces. They painted eyeliner and brushed cheeks and even buried some with makeup kits for a touch-up in the afterlife. Girl, if that smears on you, here you go. That's right. So it's a really great video. Go ahead and check it out. It's going to be linked, guys. And now let's talk about what started this all, actually, the Canopic jars. So what do you know about the Canopic jars? Are you familiar with that?

When I say that, do you know what I'm talking about? Just from what you said earlier, putting their organs in there. Yes. So there's an Egypt Tours portal article, and there's quite a few bits of information on this, but we're just going to run over some bullet points on it, which is going to be just a really rough outline for you guys. But these are fascinating, in my opinion. Now, Canopic jars were used in ancient Egypt during,

the mummification process to hold the internal organs removed from the deceased. There were four jars, each associated with a specific organ and guarded by one of the four sons of Horus, happy for the lungs, Dwatmef, stomach, emsetti for the liver, and Kwesbedenhevnev, I think, for the intestines. The jars originated in the Old Kingdom and evolved in design through the Ptolemaic period. Early jars had flat lids, but later, the lids, the lids, the lids were shaped to represent the four sons of Horace and look super dope. They also symbolized the four cardinal points of the compass. Canopic jars were made from various materials, of course, including limestone, pottery, alabaster, and the glazed porcelain type stuff. And over

time, they became more elaborate with inscriptions and descriptions of the guardian deities. The jars reflected the ancient Egyptians' beliefs in the afterlife and the importance of preserving the body and organs for eternal life. The heart was left in the body believed to hold the soul. Remember, they didn't give a shit about the brain, they didn't think anything of it. No contention whatsoever, but the heart is where it was at. Many Canopic Jars have been discovered in the tombs

and are displayed in museums worldwide, showcasing the artistic and religious practices of ancient Egypt. They're symbols of the ancient Egyptian faith and provide insights into their burial rituals and civilization. Now, the purpose of Conopic Jars was, used in ancient Egyptian mummification to hold, of course, the internal organs of the deceased. The design and evolution, initially simple stone vessels later become these really, really cool things. And that's what pulled my attention to it in the first place.

It's all in that movie, you know, and he's holding them up, and they went there, and the acid gets the diggers on the face. And they find those jars, and they're sitting there. And I was like, man, that's cool. I wonder, I've never asked the question. I was just like, I wonder what they mean. Like, what were the faces like? Why did they choose those particular ones if there were? How many were there?

All that kind of stuff, and it turns out, yes, it was very important. The symbolism and significance of it represented the cardinal compass points and were believed to protect the organs in the afterlife. Ancient Egyptians used connopic jars from the old kingdom, which about 2,700 BC to 2,200 BC, to the late period 6640 to 3330, and the Ptolemaic period 305 to 30 BC. Initially, they stored the viscera in these jars, but later they simply wrapped them and place them alongside the body.

The term connopic, by the way, may derive from canopus in the Delta near Alexandria, where the human head jars symbolizing Osiris were revered. The evolution of the canopic jar began in the fourth dynasty, and the earliest known examples belonged to Queen Hetefris, wife of King Senefru, and Queen Miskina. the third wife of King Coffre. Nailed that shit. Oh, isn't that the Coffrey? Isn't that the pyramid? Yeah, that's a period, homie. No, a pyramid. Isn't it called the Coffrey Pyramid?

Mm-hmm. Named after the guy. Coffreys pyramid. Throughout the different time periods of design and purpose of Canopic jars evolve from the old kingdom as they were often uninscribed with plain lids. In the Middle Kingdom and the ancients, the inscriptions became more common. and the lids frequently took these human heads. Now, by the ninth dynasty of the new kingdom of ancient Egypt, which is about 1570 to 10, 50 BC, the lids depicted the four sons of Horace serving as guardians of the organs.

And this is cool. Materials and styles, of course, very over time, the oldest charged date back, 11th to 12th dynasty, typically crafted of stone and wood. And by the new kingdom, them featuring those different representations, again, about the specific organs, Cardinal directions. In the late 18th dynasty, the stoppers of the jars were then shaped with the heads of the four minor funerary deities

known as the Four Sons of Horace, which were also considered the Cardinal Compass Points. They are the baboon-headed happy, the human-headed emsetti, the jackal-headed d'watif, the falcon-headed, Quebesnev. Okay, so the Canopic jars were four,

and that's the number of them, okay? They were used to hold organs like the stomach, intestines, lung, and liver after being removed from the body, and then wrapped in linen, of course. Now, each one of the sons of Horus was represented for this, and the way that it breaks down is, is Happy, the baboon-faced one. Okay, that was representing the north,

and his jar contained the lungs and was protected by the goddess, nephathis. Yeah. Now, Duet Mith, the jackal-headed god, represented the east, whose jar contained the stomach, and was protected by the goddess Neith. Now, remember, that one's the dog one, because my dog will eat anything,

and she wants all the food in her stomach. So the dog held the stomach. There you go. Now, emcetti was the human-headed god that represented the south, whose jar contained the liver, and it was protected by the goddess Isis. Quizabeth, the falcon-headed god

represented the west, whose jar contained the intestines, and it was protected by the goddess, circuant. How I remember that one is the falcons carry snakes. What do your intestines look like if they're dangling from a bird as it's flying off? Like a snake? Carrying a snake. I wonder why they picked those and not like kidneys or spleen or... I know! This was my question and I did not get an answer. I did not. Now, the only thing that I knew was the brains learned that the heart they left in. And that was the thing. It was that they would just leave that thing in. And but the other organs, not sure why. And I'm not sure why my research has not led me to the understanding of why they select. those particular organs because that was another question that I've got now is why those particular ones why wouldn't you yeah like you said throw the kidneys in there there are other shit other stuff

I just love that they they yank these suckers out for the afterlife and they're like uh yeah they're not in you anymore but you'll need these so figure out how to put them back in yourself later this is the thing you have to pass in pieces what's going on here what if you get to the other life and they're like what another one showed up with all its inside's gone what are we going to do with this we need you complete and hole why do they're doing this they're right here they're in these jars I got them Yeah, no, it's right here. Why would you do that? It's like bringing your pee sample from home in a plastic baggy and walking in there.

All right, so a couple more things here. Let's go over some curses because I had a lot of fun with this and I'm really going to, you're going to love this, okay? So curses were not commonly. Now, this is an article, which is links, guys, and this is from catchpenny.org. Have you ever heard of that? Nope. I had neither.

She has an article that simply titled Curses. though curses were not commonly recorded in the tombs of ancient Egypt, they were on occasion included. One of the more well-known is preserved in the dynasty five pyramid texts, alternance 534 subsection 1278-9 for your nerds. Now, it reads this, this is the curse. As for anyone who shall lay a finger on this pyramid and this temple, which belong to me and my ka,

he will have laid his finger on the mention of Horace in the firmament. he will have offended the lady of the mansion. His affair will be judged by the inid, and he will be moved nowhere, and his house will be nowhere, and he will be prescribed, one who eats himself. That's one of the mummy curses. That's very scary.

Couldn't they come up with something a little scarier than that? Well, let's go. Let's see if they can. Now, Esteele belonging to Sargamput, the first, no mark. Have you ever heard of that term, no mark? Nope. I had neither. So a nomarch was a provincial governor in ancient Egypt responsible for overseeing one of the country's 42 districts or gnomes during the old and middle kingdom periods.

So there we go. Learns it new every day. There you go. So Steele belonging to this nomarch of Elfrantine under Surset, the first, his dynasty 12 here, is meant to protect the offerings left to the statue in his image. Okay? So the curse goes like this. As for every mayor, every Wob priest,

every scribe and every nobleman who shall take the offering from the statue, his arm shall be cut off like that of this bull. His neck shall be twisted off like that of a bird. His office shall not exist. The position of his son shall not exist. His house shall not exist in Nubia. His tomb shall not exist in the necropolis.

His god shall not accept his white bread. His flesh shall belong. to the fire. His children shall belong to the fire. His corpse shall not be to the ground. I shall be against him as a crocodile on the water, as a serpent on earth, as an enemy in the necropolis.

Wow. The effectiveness of the curse, of course, depending on where you put it, where it's location, because a curse in a burial chamber itself would do little value as the sanctity of the tomb would have been necessary to keep the violation

for the curse to be read. Do you see I mean, so most tomb curses were therefore inscribed on the tomb chapel, more in the public part of the complex, and curses were recorded inside the tomb itself might presumably find their power not being red. And so it was silly to do that. You put them outside. Curses were inscribed on walls, false doors, steele statues, and sometimes the coffins themselves. But the curse formula typically contained two elements. So pay attention because we're all going to be able to write our own here. So the first element here is a description of an act displeasing to the author of the curse.

And the consequences to one for performing this act. So if you do this, you'll fucking this. Would you like some examples? Yeah, of course. Okay. So the consequences of performing often both in this lifetime and beyond through some agency, God king, private person, animal, etc. All right, so here we go.

The possible consequences meant to befall transgressors were varied in. deed. And some of them were, I shall seize his neck like that of a goose. Another one is, he shall die from hunger and thirst. This is on the statue of Heathior. Another one is, they shall have no air. You're sort of cursing their bloodline. We have another one here. He shall not be diminished. Another is his lifetime shall not exist on earth.

Damn, shots fired. Another one is he shall not exist again. His estate shall belong to the fire and his house shall belong to the consuming flame. His relatives shall digest him. Damn. Ooh. Promoting endocannibalism, as we learned about earlier. I do like the twisting the head off like a bird.

That one's fun, isn't it? That one's going on my tomb. And your tomb shall not exist. Like, you're never going to die. And even if you do a die, you don't have a tomb. Nobody's going to come see it. Another one is, he shall be miserable and persecuted. You're just going to have a bad day.

buddy we should buy a day there it's gonna suck you don't stub your toe all kinds of things another one is his office shall be taken away before his face and it shall be given to a man of his enemy damn a little personal isn't it they were serious back then they were dead serious here's another one his wife shall be taken away before his face damn low blow dude another one is his face shall be spat at this is the tomb of el haziah another one is a donkey shall violate him A donkey shall violate his wife. You know that guy was cracking up as he's writing the hieroglyph to this curse.

One more, one more. I got one. Another one is his heart shall not be content in life. He shall be cooked together with the condemned. Okay, mixed up together there. Ice cream and shit. His name shall not exist in the land of Egypt.

Recently a curse was found on the entrance to the dynasty three tomb of Peti at Giza. There's a photo in the article there that you guys can check out. And it reads here, Listen to all of you. The priest of Hathor will beat twice. Any of you who enters the tomb or does harm to it.

So at the first, you know, they probably had one that the first warning and didn't test well with audiences. They're like, well, I can, I've been beat. I can get beat again. Twice? Say twice. Yeah. That's where you're going to get them. The gods confront him because I am honored by this Lord.

the gods will not allow anything to happen to me. Anyone who does anything to my tomb, then the crocodile hippopotamus line will eat him. The curse who was best understood by the ancient Egyptians relative to this religion, culture, and society, all inseparable elements to his daily life. Certain ethical demands were made on him, and these were manifest in his behavior.

The curse served to underscore his responsibility to Matt, which is that God that weighs your heart against his feather. He's got a sweet feather. and the total system of order and justice and the overall pattern of life the norm of social intercourse the curse also related to the dire consequences of rebellion against Mott

so you couldn't curse that guy Mott probably had a hand in that they're like hey he sticks something in there on me that my feathers too light something like that this was the power of the curse and the power has vanished along with the civilization that produced it and that's my question so you guys have the elements here

if you all would like to come up with a few curses of your own for your lineage there I don't think it's a bad idea. Again, the two containing elements are a description of an act displeasing to the author. If they do this, what would get you twisted? They eat your offering. They defile your nose. They bop your nose off your statue, something like that.

And then again, the consequences of such the act. If you shall seize his neck like that of a goose, shit, get some. If you want him smacked up twice, two black guys. So you know he got told twice. You want violated by a donkey? This is Egyptian fafo, really. Yeah, there you go. Yeah.

Okay, one more than we are going to cut it here, okay, and I'm looking forward to what you got coming up. We are all looking forward. You include it into what you've got coming up in the extension. I think I've decided, by the way. Oh, okay, cool, cool, cool. All right, we'll check into you, see if you want to disclose it. So, all right, where do you think the tomb in Jesus is, man? Where is it? Mm-hmm.

Didn't they claim to have found it or something or where they thought it was? I mean, I would assume somewhere around Israel or Jerusalem or whatever. That's what you'd think, wouldn't you? And that would be a good guess if the story was there. But there's an article here, and I've linked two, actually. There's two different people who've written on it. I've just linked them both. You guys just take your pick or read both.

They're not long. The Tomb of Jesus Christ is in Japan. Japaneseus. Yeah. Japaneseus. This is by Kuska Patuari, and this is November 4th of 2016. So we'll just go over it here. In the distant corner of northern Japan,

a place known for terraced paddy fields and apple orchards is a small village of Jingle, where lies a curious little attraction. It's a small mound of bare earth in the middle of a bamboo grove that is surrounded by a short white fence that is marked with a large wooden cross. Under the pile of earth allegedly lies the remains of your home boy and mine, Jesus of Nazareth.

Now, according to this bizarre folklore, Jesus did not die on the cross at the Calvary. It's silly. Instead, it was his kid brother, Xucuri. Jesus managed to escape crucifixion by switching places with his brother, while the real son of God fled across Siberia to the Amori Perfector in the far north of Japan, where he finally became a rice farmer, married and had a family, and eventually died at the ripe of age of 106. 106 years old Jesus became

There's even a family In the village who is said To be the direct descendants Of Jesus Philip and Christ Wouldn't that be considered the Holy Grail then The Descendants of Jesus? Isn't that what that was? It would have that wrong Technically

No, it does It does because the Holy Girl is sort of more of a metaphor But you're correct You're a metaphor You chose wisely I know there's differing opinions On what the Holy Grail actually is Some people think it was the cup from the last supper.

Cup that caught his blood. I do remember, it might have been from a movie. I could be totally butchering this, but I thought that some people thought the Holy Grail was the direct lineage of Jesus in that they're still getting about somewhere, you know. Yes, Dan Brown thought that shit, fucking Da Vinci Code. That was Homegrove last Scion. That's the sort of idea is that the chalice is a vessel for God's divine blood.

And as long as that lineage is passed down through a bloodline, let's say, through humans just banging, making more humans. You got Jesus. You know, it still lives, right? It still exists here. But perhaps also invented by the Roman Flavians has a new... Titus. Yeah.

But there's more to the story. So according to the local legend, Christ first visited Japan at the age of 21 to study theology. And he stayed in Japan for 12 years learning the native language and cultures before returning to Jerusalem at the age of 33 to preach. Now, the source of this outlandish story is so-called Tekanducci documents allegedly discovered in the 19th. 1330s that detailed the life and death of Jesus, including those lost years, not described in the new testimony. Is that a funny sentence, Jesus studying theology? Yeah.

It's like, aren't you like actual theology, though? Yeah, but you get out there. I know, it's like you're studying you? He's like, no, no, no. That was Flavians, man. We remember he'd get out there, he's hacky-sacking. He's just got chopsticks he's doing dope shit with. By the way, make a painting of me, but make it look like Caesar Borgia, because that's how I want to be remembered.

Yes. Do you mean Obi-Won Canobi? Yeah, you've got it. Now, the missing period of Jesus, of course, is given rise to several speculations. Was Jesus in Britain? Did he visit Kashmir in India? And according to the Tekunducci documents, not only was Jesus in Japan, he kicked the fucking bucket there as well. Hmm.

Pretty weird. So why are these documents not seen as scripture as the other ones are? And that's the thing is it's, well, I mean, the Gnostic gospel is right, too, of, like, Enoch, which I mentioned several times in the Bible of considered as biblical work. You've got the gospel of Mary, the gospel of Thomas, you have all sorts of Gnostic things. And so, of course, the true burial of Jesus and his forays in Japan would be unwritten from the history of works, because that doesn't fit the narrative. He was over there. He preached. He was born in a manger. All of it lines up, right? And you start getting these trips to the Orient out of him and maybe it messes with stuff. That is, I always thought that was weird

growing up that there is that missing portion of his life from like 12 to 33. It's like, that seems important. What was he getting around doing during those, like, 20 years? Like, why is that left out? He was learning theology. He was hanging out, learning how to use chopsticks. Learning Taekwondo and hot roll sushi. Yeah, Tai Chi in the mornings with the little kids and just chasing chickens around in the yard there to catch him for dinner.

Just being a kid. Shagging Japanese. The whole thing about these Tekanuchi documents as well is they were found in 1936 and conveniently destroyed during World War II. Hmm. Hmm. So, yeah, that's the work of this Waito Kashaka, who would later gain fame by attempting to contact aliens on live TV. So take it for what you will here. The reproduction of the documents is on display nearby at the Jesus Museum, which we have to go to. You've got to get a T-shirt, right?

Yet the work is that there's still a hoax there. Now, despite the outlandish story, it seems that many believers point to variations in speech, custom, and even icon. color of the villages of Shinkgo as evidence of Jesus' Anglo-Christian influence among the people. He came there and got bricky-diki. Hmm. He tamed him some strange over there in Shingo. And the Tomb of Jesus Christ itself sits, again, atop that little hill. It's just a burial mound.

Have you ever seen it? It's a small cross. Folks take little objects and things out there for him, and maybe that's where your baby Jesus is buried. Hmm. We still got to go check it out either way. That would be fun. Anyway, that was it. That's your bizarre funeral stuff that we wanted to talk about for this. And what did you decide to do in Plus here? So coming up on Plus, since you covered this, and this is my shelf elf shouting at me now. It's a book called The Dead Have Never Died in 1917 by Edward C. Randall. So we're going to be going into a bit of that. And it goes into detailed conversations with spirits, descriptions of what death feels.

like explanations of the aetheric body, how the afterlife may be organized, all kinds of good stuff. So keeping on with the death theme, I figured that'd be a good segue. So. Frikin looking forward to it. Outstanding.

Way to go, Elf. And way to go for listening to it. Well, looking forward to that. You guys stick around for that after the break. Check the links down there for Inescapable. You can get that through April 14th for the same price. And we were doing tons of cool shit. And plus, like this book that Joe's about to cover,

which I'm pumped for, so I'm going to get out of the way. Also, check all the, the links for the presentation just given here about all the creepy stuff. There's a couple YouTube videos and several articles, as well as the Neptune Society and their underwater cemetery, if you guys want to check that out. And an article, the Egyptian animal mummies and how a third of them are bullshit and empty for those poor folks who paid for their little Mr. Fluffle Buddy. Well, thanks for that, dude. I learned a lot. I had no idea that there were so many weird

death traditions. I knew there was some, but wow. There's more, too. There's a culture that I didn't cover that puts their members, it's in Africa, I think, yeah, it puts their members in these triangle cages and it just lets the bodies rot in the sky on these posts and they just kind of stick like a field, like poppies in a field, like a planted garden of dead people and they're in cages. Yes, it's just, there's just some really interesting stuff. And again, the sky burial things, I mean, as we live here and we know that inevitably, or we're told at least that we will face mortality, maybe it's something you go ahead and take a look at instead of just going, no, I don't want to think about it. My mom's going to handle it.

my wife on handle it. I have some updating of my will to do because I wanted it to be a combination of all of these. Like take one part, cremate it and throw it in the water. Take another part, feed it to the birds. Another part you can do the Viking funeral on. And then whatever's left, shoot it out of the cannon. I love it like a little boat. Are you going to go full-sized boat if we're only putting a little bit of you on it?

Nah, just a little. You could do an inflatable raft even. It would sink quicker. How fun is that? Make probably a cool. We fill it with helium or something explosive too. So when it goes off, it goes off. And little bits of you get thrown all over everybody.

See, Sky Burial and Viking Barrow all in one. I got to make sure I need to work on my curse, though, too, because I got some thinking to do on that. Yeah, work on your curses, guys, maybe update your wills. If you, you know, be imaginative about this. This doesn't look like the peak of what we're capable of here. So it sounds like there's still a lot of imagination, a lot of creativity to be had. And so have fun with it. It's your dead body.

Do with it what you want. Thank you guys again for hanging out. We're going to hang out with you in the extension. So we will see you in that thing for everybody else. See you next week. Welcome back to your plus extension for this episode. Ambition comes in all shapes and sizes. At First Citizens Bank, we roll with your goals because we're built for what you're building.

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