On Purpose with Jay Shetty - #1 Reason Why Couples Fall Out of Love & How to Mentally Prepare for Difficult Conversations

Episode Date: May 19, 2023

Today, I am going to share with you a conversation I had with Kaitlyn Bristowe of the Off The Vine podcast. No matter what phase or stage of love you’re in or whether you find yourself in solitude, there is so much to take away from their discussion, from attracting the right person to putting a stop to unhealthy relationship patterns to defining what it actually means to be in love. The tangible tips and incredible insight from our dialogue is bound to alter your perception of love moving forward and maybe just change how you find, keep, and let go of love throughout your life. You can order my new book 8 RULES OF LOVE at 8rulesoflove.com or at a retail store near you. You can also get the chance to see me live on my first ever world tour. This is a 90 minute interactive show where I will take you on a journey of finding, keeping and even letting go of love. Head to jayshettytour.com and find out if I'll be in a city near you. Thank you so much for all your support - I hope to see you soon. Key Takeaways: 00:00 Intro 02:27 Do we need to wait for a specific day to express love and then forget about it? 04:12 “We teach people about what to think about love but not how to think about love.” 06:16 Where does the culture around love with the fairytale ending and the perfect match come from? 08:31 How do you know that you are with the right person? 11:09 Why are we so worried about being alone and finding someone to love? 14:03 What can you do when you’re alone to attract the right person? 16:36 “Loneliness is the weakness of being alone while solitude is the strength of being alone.”  21:56 Giving yourself into the process and allowing it to learn more about yourself 24:13 The difference between “we need to get through this” and “we want to get through this” 26:51 How do we stop making the same mistake over and over again? 28:26 Why you shouldn’t avoid having fights and suppress your own feelings 31:16 The difference between expressing anger and pain versus explaining them 33:04 Avoid uncontrollable arguments and start having uncomfortable conversations 35:47 How do you keep the love burning and keep the relationship strong? 38:45 “You can have it all, just not all at the same time.” Like this show? Please leave us a review here - even one sentence helps! Post a screenshot of you listening on Instagram & tag us so we can thank you personally! Want to be a Jay Shetty Certified Life Coach? Get the Digital Guide and Workbook from Jay Shetty https://jayshettypurpose.com/fb-getting-started-as-a-life-coach-podcast/  See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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Welcome back to On Purpose. Today I want to share an amazing conversation I had with Caitlyn Bristo on her podcast Off the Vine about what does it mean to love. We go into this topic deeply as well as how to attract the right person, how to put a stop to unhealthy relationship patterns, end toxic traits and triggers in our relationships, and define what it actually means to be in love for ourselves. I love this conversation, I feel like we went super deep, and I can't wait to share this with you.

share this with you. Hey everyone, I'm so excited because we're going to be adding a really special offering onto the back of my solo episodes on Fridays. The Daily J is a daily series on calm and it's meant to inspire you while outlining tools and techniques to live a more mindful, stress-free life. We dive into a range of topics and the best part is, each episode is only 7 minutes long, so you can incorporate it into your schedule no matter how busy you are. As a dedicated part of the on-purpose community, I wanted to do something special for you this year, so I'll be playing a hand-picked daily J during each of my Friday podcasts.

This week we're talking about your relationships and how to create the most meaningful connections with the people that matter to you. Of course, if you want to listen to the daily J every day, you can go subscribe to com. So go to com.com forward slash J for 40% off your membership today. I'm excited. We have a couple of mutual friends. Do you know Penny Thou? Yes, of course. Yeah, of course I do. Yeah. So Penny, I used to live with Penny in Vancouver. No way.

That's like 17 years ago and her sister, I was in her sister's wedding party. I was just with Penny in New York. That's amazing. Yeah, because she was saying that you were just at one of the races. Austin, yeah, Austin, yeah, absolutely. Are those so fun, those races? So, but she's so phenomenally talented as well. She's unbelievable.

She, that's where I've literally gotten all my life advice and business advice from her and that's amazing. That's amazing. Yeah, and now you, and I have your book right here. I'm really, I'm talking to you about it. That's eight rules of love. I'm so excited because I love like a book that you can also take action with, which is so incredible. And after reading this book, I'm curious your thoughts on Valentine's Day. That's such a great question to start with. No one's asked me that yet. I think that a lot of these days across the calendar are

invented as great ways to present love and perform love, but to me, I think sometimes they create a belief that we have to wait for that day to show love or we show love them fanically on that day, but then we forget the rest of the days. And so I see them as a wonderful reminder. I see them as a great way of recognizing and celebrating something so special.

But at the same time, I think it puts so much pressure on people. I think it makes people do things they would never do for someone. I think people feel pressured to be someone they're not or do something that doesn't feel right or likely for them to do. And so I think we all have to make of it, what we want to make of it ourselves and not feel like we have to buy into the society's definition of what Valentine's Day should be or what the movies say you should do on Valentine's Day. And so I

think sometimes it plays into that Hollywood romance of what love is meant to be and it takes us away from what love actually is. It's so true. Our perception is so skewed. Sometimes of what love and what we think love is. And I mean, whether that's social media or the movies, it's, it's happened for so long. I can think of all the Disney movies or all the wrong comms I saw growing up. And then you have this perception of what love is supposed to be. But then you see your parents love and then that's a different kind of love. And then you see the love that you have. And you're like, why is this not feel like the magic

that they show in the movies? So you said that nobody really sits down and teaches us how to love. The question that I had is I'm like, how would someone even do that? Because we all feel love so differently. Do you think this is something we should be teaching as parents? us how to love. The question that I had is I'm like, how would someone even do that because we all feel love so differently? Do you think this is something we should be teaching as parents? No, well, that's a great question. I don't think that we can teach it like how we learned in school, but I think there needs to be an element of what to look out for, what to understand. I think it's a beautiful thing for anyone to try and teach and learn. I think

a lot of the time we teach people what to think about love and not how to think about love. And so you wouldn't say love is XYZ and that's what it looks like and that's what you should be looking for. I think that's unhealthy because it can mean different things to different people as you rightly said. But I think we should encourage people to say, well, this is how love could make you feel. Or this is what love could look like. And this is what healthy love looks like. And this is what toxic relationships look like. I think having some wisdom and insight around healthy and unhealthy relationships probably is going to set you up better than a random conversation about love with so many different people in your family as you were rightly saying right you look at your parents

relationship you see the relationship your friends have you watch the movies and tv shows and then you kind of make your own version up but none of that is based on cues that are healthy or insightful or thoughtful and so as much as I don't think we need like a course on love, I do think we need a course on emotions. Yeah. How to understand your own emotions, how to understand other people's emotions. And so I find that love may be too big for that, but emotions and emotional regulation and emotional awareness, these are skills and tools that would

actually help you out better relationship. And that's why in the book, even though it's the eight rules of love, the eight rules are about communication. They're about debate and fighting. They're about connecting. They're about the things you can control. Yeah, that's true. I guess that's a good point of talking about the things you can control. Where do you think the culture around love with the fairytale endings and the perfect match come from? Do you think that does stem from like movies and Hollywood? I think it comes from a few places. I think there's a deep part of us that wants to believe and wants to yearn for this perfect love. And I think that that's true and fair and good.

I think the challenge is that the image that's been created of perfect love is what's unhealthy. So it's not the idea of perfect love that's unhealthy. It's the idea of a perfect love in this way that sends us on the wrong path. I think that when you look at movies, we all know that they show you everything up until people move in together. Or if they show you people moving in together, they fight and then make up over something fairly superficial.

Or you look at couples who do the same things on the date night in the movies or the anniversary parties and the events. And so I do feel that media has played a massive role. Even today, and I give this story in the book of my own proposal. And when I proposed to my wife, I did it. I mean, I'll cut the long story short. Everyone can read the book for the full version. But in the book, I talk about how I did the full

acopelor song singing Bruno Mars. Will you marry me? I did. Obviously I got down on one knee, I had a horse-drawn carriage through London. And it's like, I got all those ideas from social media. I did not get them from my wife. I did not get them from my heart. I did not get them from what I thought was love.

I got them from social media and TV. And so I think a lot of the ideas we have do come from media. And I think there has to be a filtering process to say, wait a minute, is this what my partner wants? Is this what I want? Is this what love looks like to the person I love? Or is it just something that I've adopted because I watch the show or a movie? That's why your book is going to be so incredible for so many people. And I love that it's written for all stages of love. So whether you're looking for the right person

or you found the right person and you wanna keep them, but love is really confusing and I'm sure it is because of all the things we see or we compare, we don't know, but how do you know when it is the right person? Do you really believe that there's that feeling where you're like, when you know you know or like how do you know when it is the right person? Do you really believe that there's that feeling where you're like, when you know you know or like how do you lift the right person? Because we all seem to want to, you know, if there's a fight or an argument or they don't treat you right and you're

like, I could easily give up. So how do you know it's the right person? Yeah, I feel that the idea that you know when you know, that's beautiful. if you've experienced that and I love that for you But that can't be our best advice on love because what that says to someone is you might have to meet 8 billion people To decide whether you've met the one because what if you don't know after 20 30 200 300 people that you've dated or met and so the way I like to look at it is I break it down into three simple things. You know you're in love when these three things happen. You like their personality and they like yours. You respect their values and they respect yours and you're committed to helping them towards their goals and they're committed to you helping you towards

your goals. And I find that that really simplifies it. I had some of the other day who told me that they were about to get married. And they said, Jay, what's your best advice? And I asked them these questions. I said, do you know what their values are? Tell me your partners top three values right now. And they said some really broad things like kind and family. And I was like, okay, but what are they really value

inside of their family? And they were struggling. And then I said, what are your partners top three goals over the next top three in the next three years? And they didn't know and I started to realize that it's not about whether you know they're the one. It's actually more about how much you know about them. And I think that's what we need to understand more like do you know how they respond to stress? Do you know how they respond to fatigue? Do you know when they're happy? Do you understand how they deal with sadness and disappointment? If you know all those things and you can still appreciate respect and love someone. That's love. Love isn't this idea of, I just feel great around them, but I actually don't know much about

them because that can feel good for six months to 12 months. But when you start looking at a long-term relationship, that's what lets you down. Yeah, because a lot of people, and I'll get to this, a lot of people feel like they just don't want to be alone. Feeling lonely is worse than being in a relationship and you get through it after six months. Oh, it's fine. It's fine. And then a year happens and you're like, oh,

I can't deal with this. But at the time, you're like, that's better than being lonely. You point out that will I ever find love is the most popular search engine question that people ask. Why do you think that is? Why are we so worried about being alone and finding somebody? Yeah, yeah. So if you Google, will I ever Google says the rest of the sentence is fine love? And if you say, will I ever say get married? So that's in the top three or top five as well. And then the next one is will I am net worth?

Because people seem to be really fascinated by will I am net worth? And his network is 70 million according to Google for anyone who's, anyone who's Googling it right now. But we're going back to the topic and everyone can check there will I ever afterwards. I think it's something that scares us about the future. I think we're scared of being alone now, but we're more scared of being alone in the future. That's why the question is, will I ever find love? Because I think we're scared about the idea of growing older alone, of going through life alone, of seeing everyone in our life with someone else, but us, not having that other person.

And those are all very valid emotions and very valid fears. But I think at the same time, we have to realize that when you're feeling alone, when you're fearing being by yourself, you don't make good decision. Research shows that if you get into a relationship because you feel alone, you're more likely to settle for less than you deserve. You're more likely to be dependent on that person, and you're less likely going to be able to break up even if it's not working out. And so when you get into a relationship because you're scared of being alone, you actually choose someone who's not even what you want from a relationship,

but you feel safer in a false way and you feel secure in a false way, and you know that deep down, which scares you even more. And so your fear actually becomes worse. But again, you know, Caitlin, it comes from the idea that when we were young, if you had lunch on your own, you were considered the weirdo. If you went to... The David and Lensberg. Exactly, exactly, exactly, from Superbad, right? Yeah. I love that you brought that book. That was amazing. Exactly, exactly. And if you had a birthday party and no one showed up or a few people showed up, you were the loner. Hey, by the way, when you're 30 years old and over, if you get five of your best

friends to show up, you're really happy about that. You take pride in that. And then you know, when you went to a wedding as a plus and you didn't have a plus one, people will be like, Oh, poor you. Like sad for you. So we've kind of made it feel awkward to be alone. And so now we carry that, but we'd rather be with anyone than be alone. And that's the challenge. Yeah. How can being alone actually help you attract

the right person? So I think we all start alone. And that's part of the puzzle that, you know, we start alone. And being alone in and of itself will not help you attract the right person like just being single or just being alone doesn't do the work But I think your question is what what can you do when you're alone to attract the right person? I think the first thing is You need to do something hard and challenging by yourself You could take on a new workout class, you could take on a new health habit, you could take on, I mean, well, you're going off to do, you're going off to do an incredible retreat

over the next few days. You're taking on something challenging. When you take on something challenging, when you're alone or when you're single or when you're by yourself, you gain the strength and courage to understand what you have inside of you. Now when you get into a relationship, you realize you're bringing so much to the table.

You realize that I'm a confident, complete, whole individual. You stop thinking like, oh, I hope I find my better half or I hope I find someone that completes me. And you start recognizing, well, actually, I have a lot to offer someone because I can do hard things by myself. I have done challenging things by myself. And so that would be the first thing I'd say when you're alone. The second thing I'd say is you actually have time to understand and learn about yourself. I think when you don't do that alone, you just sign up and subscribe to what everyone else likes. If you're a partner, like a certain type of food, now you like it.

If they like a certain type of entertainment, you like it. And then 10, 20 years down the line, you realize you've lost who you are because you just followed what they wanted to do. And I think a lot of people end up feeling like they lost themselves, but the truth is they never found themselves in the first place. So when you find yourself in solitude, you don't lose yourself in a relationship. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Balancing time for yourself and others can be a real struggle with work, family and friends.

It can feel like there's never enough time in the day. But taking care of yourself is just as important as taking care of others. So I try to schedule some me time every week, whether it's going for a walk or just reading a book. It helps me recharge and be better for the people around me. Therapy can give you the tools to find more balance in your life, so you can keep supporting others without leaving yourself behind. So if you're thinking of starting therapy, give

better help a try. It's entirely online designed to be convenient, flexible and suited to your schedule. Just fill out a brief question to get matched with a licensed therapist and switch therapists any time for no additional charge. Find more balance with better help. Visit betterhelp.com forward slash J's top 3. Today, to get 10% of your first I'm Mungesh Chatekhar and to be honest, I don't believe in astrology, but from the moment I was born, it's been a part of my life. In India, it's like smoking. You might not smoke, but you're going to get secondhand astrology. And lately, I've been wondering if the universe has been trying to tell me to stop running and pay attention, because maybe there is magic in the stars if you're willing to look for it.

So I rounded up some friends and we dove in and let me tell you, it got weird fast. Tantric curses, major league baseball teams, canceled marriages, K-pop, but just when I thought I had a handle on this sweet and curious show about astrology, my whole world can crash down. Situations doesn't look good, there is risk to father.

And my whole view on astrology? It changed. Whether you're a skeptic or a believer, I think your ideas are going to change too. Listen to Skyline Drive and the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Not too long ago, in the heart of the Amazon rain forest, this explorer stumbled upon something that would change his life. I saw it and I saw, oh well, this is a very unusual situation.

It was cacao, the tree that gives us chocolate. But this cacao was unlike anything experts had seen, or tasted. I've never wanted us to have a gun bite. I mean, you saw this tax of cash in our office. Chocolate sort of forms this vortex. It sucks you in. It's like I can be the queen of wild chocolate. We're all lost. It was madness. It was a game changer. People quit their jobs. They left their lives behind

so they could search for more of this stuff. I wanted to tell their stories, so I followed them deep into the jungle and it wasn't always pretty. Basically, this like disgruntled guy and his family surrounded the building armed with machetes. And we've heard all sorts of things, and you know, somebody got shot over this. Sometimes I think, oh, all this for a damn bar of chocolate. Listen to obsessions, wild chocolate, on the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcast. That is such a good point.

People are probably like Caitlin shut up about your ex relationship that we've heard about 30 million times, but I always relate it back to certain things where I completely lost myself in this relationship. But when you say that it's not even that you lost yourself, it's you didn't find yourself in the first place. That is so true. I completely found myself, you know myself close to the age of 30. And I was in all these relationships, losing myself quote unquote to all these people.

When really I just hadn't found out who I really truly was. And I'm still figuring that out. But it's just it's such a fascinating topic. And I wanted to ask you the difference between loneliness and solitude for those listening. Yeah, so I love this beautiful statement from Paul Tillich where he talks about the fact that the English language has two words for being alone, but we only use one of them. We only use loneliness. And loneliness is the weakness of being alone, but solitude is the strength or as he says, the glory of being alone.

And it's really interesting that in our language we always say, I'm alone, I'm single, we don't say I'm in solitude, right? We don't actually use that word because we see it as a weakness. And if you see being alone as a weakness and you see a relationship as a strength, that means you're weak by yourself and you're only strong with this person. Now, if you're only strong with this person when that person leaves or something goes wrong or there's a challenge, you go back to feeling weak again. And so your strength can't be found only in a relationship. Your strength is found by yourself, through yourself, when you're strong, when

you're powerful, when you're courageous, then when you get into a relationship, you can build more strength together. If you've got a broken home and you only find a complete home with someone else, you feel broken continuously. That's when we have these ideas of like, oh, they're out of my league. I'm not good enough for them. Or maybe I've got to do something to impress them because you walked into the relationship feeling that they were better than you because they made you whole. And so you never, that never stops. Like that continues even in the relationship of I have to earn their respect or I have to impress them or I have to keep them excited and interested.

And if that's done from a place of love, that's beautiful. But if it's done from a place of love, that's beautiful. But if it's done from a place of fear and insecurity and that's the thing, sometimes love and fear can look like the same thing. You're trying to make someone happy. You're trying to make someone feel good. You're trying to help someone. But are you doing it from a place of fear and insecurity because they might leave? Or are you doing it from a place of, you deeply respect and admire this person?

Yeah, wow. God. I wish I could have you for like eight hours on this podcast. It's just so good. I mean, this is just such. It's like, it probably feels very simple to you, but it's so profound to me. And no, it doesn't. You're inspiring. Caitlin, I have to tell you, like, you've asked me some questions today and it must be your energy because I've said things to you today that I've not said before. And yeah, and whenever I do that, and I'm very aware of that because AI tried to be fully present and energetically present whenever I'm doing anything. And often I find when you're talking about a book or your your meeting and doing lots of podcasts or interviews or whatever it may be, I try really hard to not

repeat myself, but I find that when the host, especially today, I'm feeling that with you, I feel you're so present and these are such real questions that I feel I'm being inspired energetically to give answers that I've not given before. So I just want to say share that because I'm honestly everything that is coming out my mouth. I'm like, I'm going to tell my team. I'm like, guys, we need to write that down because I haven't said that before. So I really appreciate. Yeah, you're inspiring that. I want you to know that's that's your energy as a host.

Wow. That is the most flattering thing anyone's ever said to me. But it's, you know, it's funny. It's I've, this is such a dream job of mine to interview people that inspire me and I went to my energy healer this morning and he even told me the same thing. He was like, I'm really impressed by your energy

and I was like, what? So then hearing you say it today, I'm like, okay, I feel like I'm on the right path. I'm going to Hoffman tomorrow, everything's lining up. This is, this is so great. So thank you for sharing that with me also, because that's extremely flattering.

No, well, I'm going to add also that I can vouch for it for all your audience because you won't tell them this. So I was extremely late today for this interview because I was running late from other interviews. And my team was in touch with Caitlin, and I was DMing her as well, frantically going, Caitlin, I'm really sorry. And I turned up today. And Kaelin and

her team received me as if I'd turned up early. Like that's how much love I felt and how much kindness I felt. And I was like, this is a human who's like living in that space. So she wouldn't have told you that. That's why I'm telling you all of that. And Kaelin, I really appreciate that too. So thank you. Oh my gosh. That's amazing. I won't take too much more of your time. I do have some more questions. Please. People are so excited, by the way, that you're on this podcast today. I got so many DMs when I said that I was talking to you. So ask everything. Ask away.

I want to make sure I answer all your questions. I'm going to, and you know what? I have been going through your book, and I can't wait because I have such a long flight tomorrow. And I mean, it's just incredible. You're the way you speak, the way you write, everything. I mean, some people are born with it maybe, but you have obviously gone through phases in your life or things in your life that have gotten you

to where you are today. And I know you, were you three years, three years as a monk? Yes, that's right, three years, yes. What, I can't, like, to me, I mean, I did bachelor, this is obviously not the same. I'm saying I did bachelor back, but I did not have a phone is what I'm getting at. I didn't have a phone or TV or anything. And I was like, I'm so isolated.

And then for Hoffman, I'm actually excited to be alone, not have a phone, get uncomfortable. And I just feel like I can't even imagine how three years you probably at first maybe it was uncomfortable and then did you just surrender to the process or Did you fall in love with the silence? How was that for you? Yeah, well, I think I went into it with the mindset you're going into Hoffman, which was I'm going to apply myself fully to this process I'm really excited about it. And I'm going to follow it the way it's being taught because then I'll actually get the reward. Right. If I start cutting corners or if I start trying to make it more comfortable, then

I'm not getting anything. Now the first month, my mind was going crazy because when you go silent externally, your internal dialogue eats you alive. And so your mind is just frantic, it's stressed, it's putting pressure on you, it's asking questions, it's demanding things of you. And you find that as you tolerate that and as you listen to that, it gets quieter. But then what ends up happening is you start asking deeper questions, and more thoughtful questions come up. And you start going through some uncomfortable uncoverings and revelations where you're looking at dark sides or mistakes or regrets, and you

start excavating. And that's tough, but it's glorious on the other side. And then the third thing that happened after all of that was a sense of comfort in discomfort, that the idea that doing uncomfortable things became more natural. And I realized that it disapplices to anything, whether you're going to go and sit in a cold plunge, whether you're going to meditate, whether you're going to Hoffman, whether you go off and become a monk, the point is that we have to get comfortable with uncomfortable situations because life is full of uncertainty and discomfort. And so I think that's really what I would say made all the difference. That it's not that I found it easy. It's not that it was natural for me. It's not that I am this special human being who could make this that was not it was easy

It was natural. It was it was tough. It's difficult. It is it's still tough today I don't think it ever stopped, but I think you get more Conscious and more skilled at being able to take on the challenge Let's talk about discomfort for a minute How do we know when to break up from a tough relationship or push through to make it special? Because I guess I want to know like, is fighting and arguing bad? And when do we know that that's when we should leave?

Or if it's like, well, we committed to each other and we need to get through this and that's what makes a relationship special? Yeah, I think there's a difference between we need to get through this and we want to get through this. So a relationship that losses, think there's a difference between we need to get through this and we want to get through this. So a relationship that lasts is that there's enthusiasm and energy to say, look, it's a tough

time, but we're both going to figure it out, right? We're both going to grow. We're both going to change. We're both going to learn. And there's this collective thing. And what I find in relationships that often end are when one person wants to work on the relationship and the other person doesn't. find in relationships that often end are when one person wants to work on the relationship and the other person doesn't.

So it's never when both people are excited and enthused and focused on building the relationship. I think another thing I'd like to say is that when it comes to arguments and fighting, if it's manipulative, toxic, abusive, emotionally manipulative, that's not the kind of fighting or discussion or debate that I encourage in the book. What I'm talking about is that every couple argues to some degree, but knowing how to argue better is a really healthy skill. And some agreements are really good. Like, so for example, my wife and I have some agreements. One is that we'll never raise our voice at each other. We can be angry and upset, but that doesn't mean we need to shout.

We can express it, but it doesn't need to be really, really loud. Second thing is, we don't swear at each other. We don't want to use that language with each other. The third thing is, we don't throw around the word divorce or I'm going to leave you or break up. It's not something that you get to use every time, every time things get tough or there's something challenging. And so these are just some basic agreements,

but I think having healthy agreements of how do we deal with conflict, how do we deal with when one of us is going through a really tough time personally. I think having those boundaries and agreements and rules is a really healthy way to form a relationship. And ultimately, a relationship that's gonna last is because you both are willing to put in the work. That's what it comes down to.

And if there's only one of you willing to put in the work, that's you dragging the relationship forward, and that's a decision you have to make personally, whether you wanna be that person. Yeah, I a decision you have to make personally, whether you want to be that person. Yeah, I feel like sometimes when we do that, we're all just, you know, if we cross a boundary or we let the boundary go, and then it's like, how do you come back from that? How do we, how do we stop ourselves from making the same mistakes over and over again, which I, a lot of people do in relationships. I think the way you stop yourself from making mistakes over and over again is you journal

and write down how you feel in the moment. See, the challenging thing is that we forget when things get good and we remember when things go bad. And so your memory only kicks in when everything's going wrong and you're like, oh my gosh, I should have seen those three red flags But then when things got good you went, oh no, they've changed everything's okay now And that's why I always say to people make a mental and physical record a Journal of exactly how you feel when things are bad and exactly how you feel when things are good And when you keep that record now when it happens again, you're like, oh, wait a minute, let me not be fooled

by the momentary happiness and joy because really what I'm experiencing is this. And I think what we do is we kind of have this yo-yo pendulum oscillating effect of like, the good times are really good, but the bad times are really bad. And I think that that's the unhealthy part that you don't want to swing back and forth. It's actually better to be like, Hey, we have

some tough times and we deal with them and we have some great times and they're awesome. But you just don't want that to get so wide and so extreme that you're literally swinging from one side to the other. Right. And we'll talk about arguments from a minute. I know you say that people have different fight styles, the venture, the fighter, the exploder, and none of them are technically bad, but at what point do you think you should be concerned

about the way you're fighting with your partner? Like, maybe not the word fighting, but arguing is healthy. Like at what point, again, I'm probably saying like if it's manipulative, that's probably, yeah. Yeah, so I would say like if it's manipulative, that's probably. Yeah. So I would say that two people in any relationship are going to have

challenges and problems. And you're going to have to have uncomfortable conversation. Sometimes we avoid fights by suppressing how we really feel. And so we say to everyone, we never fight. We never argue and we wear that as like an achievement, like a badge of honor, but really inside it's burning us because we're not talking about what we really want to talk about. But on the flip side, I'd say that if arguments are constantly happening, where both people are pointing the finger at the other person and both people are not willing to look at their involvement

and their responsibility and what's going on. That's when you can't go further, right? It requires that ownership and responsibility where both people look back and say, I know what I'm getting wrong, you know what you're getting wrong. Okay, let's get this right. Rather than, no, no, it's all about you. You're doing everything wrong. And then you're like, no, you're doing everything wrong. And if it's constantly a battle of, you're the mistake,

you're the problem, you're the issue, that can get very exhausting, very, very quickly. And the challenge is, most of the time relationships don't end because there's a big issue. They end because we keep arguing about little things. Right? We get exhausted from to arguing about the tiniest things. It doesn't have to be like someone cheated or it doesn't have to be like someone stole money or it doesn't have to be something as extreme as that sometimes. It's literally you keep arguing about tiny things and you're exhausted.

And now you have no energy for love. I'm Danny Shapiro, host of Family Secrets. It's hard to believe we're entering our eighth season. And yet, we're constantly discovering new secrets. The depths of them, the variety of them, continues to be astonishing. I can't wait to share 10 incredible stories with you, stories of tenacity, resilience, and the profoundly necessary excavation of long-held family secrets. When I realized this is not just happening to me, this is who and what I am. I needed her to help me. Something was gnawing at me that I couldn't put my finger on that I just felt somehow that there was a piece missing.

Why not restart? Look at all the things that were going wrong. I hope you'll join me and my extraordinary guests for this new season of Family Secrets. Listen to season eight of Family Secrets on the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Eva Longoria.

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Listen on the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Well, I like that you say the journaling part. Historically, I have been the explorer in a relationship and journaling and writing down, I'll never forget what a therapist told me one time. I said, sometimes it just comes out and I, it's stronger than me and this, these mean things come out and she goes, why don't you just try once? and these mean things come out and she goes, why don't you just try once? Writing down just awful things that come into your head of what you would say to your partner and then fold it into a piece of paper

and then put it on the counter and say, this is how it's feeling and it's not very nice, but if you'd like to read it, you're more than welcome. And they're probably not gonna wanna read it. And then you're probably not gonna name it, and wanna put it on the counter because you'll realize by the time you wrote it down that it's not something you should have said in the first place.

And I did that one time and it really shifted my perspective and something in my brain for that. And I was like, oh my gosh. Okay, so then I have a question. So if you are one to avoid conflicts or you are hiding it or pushing it down out of fear, what should you do to avoid that? Avoid suppressing it, you mean?

Yes. So, I think there's a difference between expressing anger and pain and explaining anger and pain. And so, I think people think that the opposite of expressing is suppressing. And you're not trying to get to the opposite of expressing, you're trying to explain how you feel. I'll show you the different. Expressing is you're an idiot. I hate you. You're ruining my life, right? That's expressing. You're just literally throwing it at someone. Explaining is saying, when you talk to me like this, this is what I feel. This is what I experience.

When we deal with our issues in this way, it makes me feel upset, inadequate, whatever it may be. You're explaining how you feel and now you've shifted the energy because now you can actually have a conversation about what you're talking about, rather than someone just having to catch your emotions and catch your energy. And so to me, explaining anger, not expressing it allows you to actually not suppress it. Because if you just go, okay, I've got to deal with this all in my head. I'm not going to say anything to them.

That's unhealthy because that's just going to keep burning inside of you. So what I recommend is taking out time, taking a moment, and actually even more than all of that, prepare before you end up in that position. You know you're going to say something you don't mean. You know you're going to say something hurtful and potentially damaging. Set yourself up before and say, when I'm about to hit that zone, explain how I feel, don't just express it. Why do you think that's so hard for people to do?

It's when you say it and I hear you say it, why is it so hard for people to execute that doing that? Because we haven't practiced. We've never practiced it. All we've ever done is let whatever we think come straight out of our mouth. And maybe we didn't even think about it. We felt it and we said it. All we've ever done is let whatever we think comes straight out of our mouth. And maybe we didn't even think about it. We felt it and we said it. And so it's just because we

haven't practiced it. And so it's not something that you should know how to do. It's not something that you must know how to do. It's something we have to train ourselves into a habit of doing it. Right. So if every time you're in that moment in that heated moment You have to learn to cool down whether it's through prompts physically You know, it's present like for example like one of the things that I often say to people is if you're about to say something Don't mean hold their hands Right if you're holding someone's hands You're like less likely about to say something hurtful and harmful because you think you can say something harmful because you feel Distant from them, but because you feel distant from them

But if you feel a bit closer to them you're gonna say it in a much more conscious Intentional way another thing I'd add is usually when we argue It's not scheduled and what I mean by that is if you have to have a difficult or uncomfortable conversation Don't just have it when someone walks through the door or when someone's about to go through a really important interview, have it when you say, by the way, I really need to talk to you about this. Can we schedule time? And I think that's what's so important is that you're not just having arguments because you're uncontrolled. You're actually setting yourself up the success by saying, can we talk about this when you're less stressed? I'm less stressed. Let's find the right time to have this uncomfortable conversation. The third thing I'm going to say is often when we fight with people,

we sit opposite them or stand opposite them. And a lot of research shows that when you're sitting on the same side, you actually feel like you're on the same team. And that's why a lot of leaders inside companies, when they have to give feedback or have tough conversations, they walk with people because now you're walking in the same direction and that's psychologically impacting you, rather than sitting across the table from each other against each other, you're walking in the same direction with each other. I love that. That's actually really incredible advice for me to take away. And also, I feel like that's why people find therapy so beneficial. It almost is a scheduled time to talk about

feelings that have built up. You don't immediately say it when they walk through it or you go, oh, I'm going to save this for therapy. We could talk about it with a professional. And then by that time, you're able to deliver it. So I love all that advice. That's incredible. And I wanted to turn the beat around here for a minute and talk about people in happy, healthy relationships. I believe such as yourself, how can we keep that spark alive in the relationship and grow with our partner instead of growing apart?

Yeah, I think the way I talk about in the book, four levels of intimacy. And what I realized when I was sitting with couples and it's not surprising or when I was looking at the research, the number one activity couples do together is watch television. Now I'm not against TV, I'm not against watching TV together. I watch TV and movies with my wife all the time.

But the problem is when that's the only thing you do together, which means seven to 14 hours a week, I spent both of you not connecting, not sharing an experience, not directing your energy towards each other, but at the screen. And so that's one form of connection, but it's quite a low form. Higher than that is experiences and experiments. What I mean by that is do new things together. If you only ever see your partner do the same things, they do their job, they wash the dishes, they

do the laundry, you see your partner do the same daily tasks. It's hard to learn something new about them. Whereas if you go to a painting class, a pottery class, maybe you go for a walk in a place you've never been to before, you take a weekend break that you've never visited before when you do new things together You learn new things about each other. That's what keeps the spark alive I find that we want to find the spark But we felt the spark because it was new but now all we do is old things together Right, we don't do anything new together. And so how can there be a spark? A higher level than that is to learn together, grow together. You may not like listening to the same podcast or reading the same

books. But if you're both doing your own learning, I promise you, you'll have more to share with each other and more to learn about each other. I think that we've lost curiosity, Caitlin. I think we, we feel we know everything about our partners. I would honestly say to you, I've been with my wife for 10 years and I learned something new about her all the time. Like it's ever fresh and it's not that because I'm amazing at spotting new things. It's because we constantly do new, exciting and thrawling things. And the key to that is do things when neither of you are the expert. Do things where it's not either of your passions.

Do truly new things, so you discover new things about each other. I'm gonna take that and run with it because I feel like Jason and I get caught up in this cycle of talking business because we both are super driven and motivated and we are so passionate about what we do that at the end of the night. We're not doing something like you said, that isn't that you're not the best at.

We're not taking that time to we literally are like we're tired, let's throw on a show or let's talk about business because that's the thing we both enjoy talking about. So I really appreciate that feedback because I think that's really helpful. And lastly, you talk about balancing work, love, and life without losing yourself. How do you continue to give love to your partner, yourself? Some people have kids and your bucket might feel a little bit empty while you still have so much going on. Like how do you figure out how to keep everybody's buckets a little full? I think the problem is that we try and balance everything perfectly all the time. And, you know, Ariana Huffington once said, you can have it all just not all at the same time.

And I love that idea because there are different phases and stages to life. That's why when you're single, you're meant to fill yourself up. So that when you get into a relationship, you can fill each other up. And then when you have kids, you fill the kids up and then you refill yourselves again. And so the way I'd break it down is there's a different priority at different stages. That doesn't mean you're not filling yourself up and filling out the

people up at the same time. But you recognize that in this season, I need to focus more on the kids. In this season, I need to focus more on the kit. In this season, I need to focus more on myself. And the only way you do it is by not putting pressure on yourself to do it all. You give yourself grace, you allow yourself to make mistakes, you recognize you're a flawed, normal, fallible human who doesn't get everything right all the time and that you try your best. And as simple as that sounds, I find that

people know when you're trying your best, people know when you're consciously thinking of them. To be honest, sometimes I'll say to my wife, hey, I know you've been struggling with this, how can I help you? And her response is, actually I've got it covered, but I'm just thankful you thought of. Actually, I've got it covered, but I'm just thankful you thought of half the time. Our partners just want to feel seen heard and understood. They don't need you to do anything drastic. They don't need you to take them on the vacation or take them on the date night. They just want to feel seen heard and understood. And when they don't feel seen heard and understood, that's when they want the vacation.

And that's when they want the anniversary party. And that's when they want the birthday party because those are all ways of Patching up all of the other issues that they feel Yeah, so I mean everything so I'm like yes, yes I'm glad it's resonating. I really hope it resonates with your amazing audience and your community because I'm just trying to speak in real terms and Try and speak as truthfully and openly as I can. No, Will, I mean, think about that book. Is there some parts I definitely disagree with,

but the women, men are from Mars, women are from Venus. Like, it's just, it's gone back so many years where it's people are wired a certain way and it's just not the same as it was however long ago that was, you know what I mean? So it's, we're all trying to evolve and grow and change and stay with the times. And I feel like everything right now is,

it's not the same as it was in the caveman days where men are from our women are from Venus. It's still maybe a little bit wired that way, but we have to grow as a... We have to. We have to. And our lives have changed, right? Work schedules have changed. our lives have changed right work work schedules of change work responsibilities of change

So we can't keep up applying that advice to these modern lives that we live Yeah, I completely agree. I just I'm so grateful for you and I loved having you on my podcast and I know you are just so busy and I just can't tell you how grateful I am that you spent some time with me today And I just know how much this will mean how much it meant to me personally and how much it will mean to my listeners as well. And I want to like shout this book from the rooftops and and have everybody get it because I love that it's for everybody. And I love what you say and you've helped me more than you know. So thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Well, okay, and I want to say thank you to you. I also want to say thank you to everyone

who's been listening and watching and everyone who orders the book. Thank you so much. It means the world to me. I poured my heart into this book for two years. And so I deeply value anyone who takes a moment to read it. And I also want to send you away with a little intention, a little meditation, just to thank, just to wish you well on this journey you're off to for the next six days and I really hope that it's a transformative deeply moving and impactful process for you and

I hope that when you come out of it you have new lessons new wisdom, new insight that you're able to apply in your life and share love, share joy, and share your spirit with everyone in your life. So I just wanted to put that intention out there for you and sending you so much love and positive energy through this journey. Thank you so much. I know you're going on a whole life tour when I get back. So I'm sure we will cross paths and even if it's DMs because I want to. I hope you will come and see me. Well, yeah, I hope you will come and see the show. That'll be awesome. I would love to. Is there a place where people can find your book? The dates

are going on tour everywhere that everyone can find you? Yeah, the book can be ordered from eight rules of love.com, same as the title, eight rules of love.com. And the tour is at jshettytour.com and all the dates are there, whether you're in the US or international and so jshettytour.com. Good luck with your full tour. Thank you so much. You're just helping so many people and opening people's eyes and minds and it's really incredible.

And I just again, thank you for that intention and thank you for chatting with me today. Caitlin, it was so fun talking to you and we will keep in touch and again thank you so much. I'm so grateful and all the best. Have a great six days. Thank you so much for listening to On Purpose. It means the world to me. I am so excited to be sharing these episodes with you. I am pumped and I cannot wait for the next one. We're often told that we've got to focus on ourselves and that we can't look to others to make us happy. While that's in many ways true, there is a path to contentment that involves others

without relying on them. Don't worry, I'll explain. The next seven minutes are about happiness and how you can find yours by helping others find theirs. I'm Jay Shetty, welcome to the Daily J. Now I'd like to pause here, as always always and get centered with three conscious breaths. Deep breath in and a slow breath out. Connecting with your body and releasing tension.

Connecting with your mind. And tapping in. There's a brilliant story about a teacher who hands each of her students a balloon and has them write their name on it with a marker. The teacher holds up a timer and tells the students, on the count of three, I'm going to have you all throw your balloons up in the air and you'll have two minutes to find the one with your name. The teacher counts to three and the students are off,

racing around the room, they're tripping over one another, wildly batting the balloons in their frantic search. It's Mayhem. At the end of the two minutes, the teacher instructs everyone to freeze. She asks, who found their balloon? Only a few hands go up. Okay, the teacher says, we're going to do it again. But now, I want you to pick up whichever balloon is closest to you and return it to its owner.

This time, as the clock runs out, everyone has their balloon back. And something else is different too. Instead of looking harried and stressed, the students are smiling and laughing. The teacher explains that happiness is like those balloons. If we're only focused on our own happiness, we have a worse chance of actually locating it.

But if we all share happiness wherever we can, we'll find our own as well. Now there's nothing wrong with looking for your own happiness. That's normal. It's healthy. And after all, we don't want to let others and what they do or don't do dictate the quality of our lives. But we can become so fixated on our search for contentment that we get anxious and stressed.

We feel like trying to find joy is like looking for a needle in a haystack. In reality, happiness is all around us. It just might not be hours. Sometimes it's better to simply pick up someone else's balloon and hand it to them. The reality is that we are interdependent, and while we shouldn't expect others to give us our balloons, we can trust that at some point our goodwill might come back around. We can also focus on the joy that giving joy gives you. In the words of Father Richard Rour, the only way to hang on to joy is to share it.

So what does it look like to hand someone their happiness? You've probably already done it without realizing. It can be as easy as telling someone how much you appreciate them or thanking them for a job well done. Simple gestures like these don't just brighten a person's day, they also generate shared joy. I know you know that it feels good to make someone smile. And if you remain present in that shared joy, it's a surefire way to boost your own happiness too. When it comes down to it, we do need to care for ourselves. But at the same time, we're all in it together,

figuring out this thing called life. And we should all hand out happiness when we can. And now, as our time today winds down, we can start to spread the love in our meditation. So get comfortable wherever you are, relaxing your body, easing tension. If you'd like, you can put one hand on your stomach to feel the rise and fall of your breath. to connect with your source of love and kindness. See if you can access any feelings of warmth, generosity, compassion,

and let those feelings flow out of you and into the world. You can even bring to mind a loved one or a friend. Someone who could use a little support or a pick me up. And send them your well wishes. May you be happy. And now let's open this up. Think about what you can do today to give someone else their balloon. How might it uplift you as well? Big picture? Can you consider other people's happiness alongside the search for your own? I wish you a beautiful day, full of joy and light, and I can't wait to see you tomorrow.

I'm Danny Shapiro, host of Family Secrets. It's hard to believe we're entering our eighth season, and yet we're constantly discovering new secrets. The variety of them continues to be astonishing. I can't wait to share 10 incredible stories with you, stories of tenacity, resilience, and the profoundly necessary excavation of long-held family secrets. Listen to season 8 of Family Secrets on the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts,

or wherever you get your podcasts. The therapy for Black Girls Podcast is your space to explore mental health, personal development, and all of the small decisions we can make to become the best possible versions of ourselves. I'm your host, Dr. Joy Harden Bradford, a licensed psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia, and I can't wait for you to join the conversation every Wednesday.

Listen to the Therap therapy for Black Girls podcast on the iHort Radio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your podcast. Take good care. I am Yom Lavanzant, and I'll be your host for The R Spot. Each week listeners will call me live to discuss their relationship issues. Nothing will tear a relationship down faster than two people with no vision.

Does y'all are just flopping around like fish out of water? Mommy, daddy, your ex, I'll be talking about those things and so much more. Check out the R-Spaught on the iHeart Radio app Apple Podcast or wherever you listen to podcasts. on the iHeart Video app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you listen to podcasts.