On Purpose with Jay Shetty - 10 Signs Someone in Your Life is a Narcissist & 4 Ways to Navigate the Relationship with Them
Episode Date: August 19, 2022Do you want to meditate daily with me? Go to go.calm.com/onpurpose to get 40% off a Calm Premium Membership. Experience the Daily Jay. Only on Calm We may not identify as a narcissist but unknowingly..., we may have narcissistic traits that are off-putting to others and can lead to unpleasant and unfavorable situations. The same goes for the people who we have close relationships with that display narcissistic tendencies. It can become a struggle to be with them when they can only see themselves and think they’re above everyone else. In this episode of On Purpose, Jay Shetty shares the different signs and traits of a narcissist and what can we do to still have a pleasant and lasting relationship with them.  Want to be a Jay Shetty Certified Life Coach? Get the Digital Guide and Workbook from Jay Shetty https://jayshettypurpose.com/fb-getting-started-as-a-life-coach-podcast/ Key Takeaways:00:00 Intro03:04 1 in 200 people has narcissistic personality disorder05:27 Sign #1: They struggle to talk about others for too long07:28 Sign #2: They crave attention11:25 Sign #3: They don’t accept responsibility12:20 Sign #4: They make you feel you’re wrong 18:27 Sign #5: They have superiority complex19:50 Sign #6: Everything feels like a threat to them21:04 Sign #7: They switch the conversation to themselves22:01 Sign #8: Taking credit for everything22:31 Sign #9: Reclaiming difficult moments as yours25:00 Sign #10: Love bombingLike this show? Please leave us a review here - even one sentence helps! Post a screenshot of you listening on Instagram & tag us so we can thank you personally!See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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When my daughter ran off to hop trains, I was terrified I'd never see her again, so I followed her into the train yard.
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Where do you excel? Where do you truly shine? I want you to be so aware of that. I want
you to know that because when you know you have strengths and then you know your weaknesses
you can live between acceptance and assessment. But often we don't live in acceptance, we
live in criticism because we only know our flaws. We know our flaws deeply and we know our
strengths weekly. And because we don't have a deep understanding of our own strengths,
that's where a lack of self-esteem and self-confidence comes from.
Hey everyone, welcome back to on purpose, the number on health podcast in the world.
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Thank you so much for joining me.
My name's Jay Shetty.
If you've been here before,
I am so grateful to you.
You mean the world to me.
If you've never been here before
and this is your first episode,
I wanna thank you for being here.
I am so deeply committed to this community that we have.
And it has been astounding to me at how many of you are listening to episodes on the daily
now.
And the feedback I hear from you all is that the more you listen, the more you grow, the
more you change, the more you're able to effect change in your lives and the people that
you love.
And that fills me with so much joy.
It fills me with so much excitement, it fills me with so much excitement
and happiness. So thank you so much for doing that. Now today's topic is something I've
been thinking about for a while and it's because it's something that's come up with my clients.
Now as some of you know, I'm a life coach, a relationship coach and I work with different
people. All of my clients also have a therapist. I really believe in
co-serving with the therapist because I believe that therapist fantastically helped people
entangle their past and really makes sense of the thoughts and patterns that they've developed.
And as a coach, it's really about building forward. But this was a theme that kept
recurring in some of my sessions
and I would talk to a lot of my therapist friends
about this a lot as well.
And it's all about narcissism.
And I started to find out that a lot of people
that I was working with may have been dating a narcissist
at one point in time may have come up with someone
or been with someone at some point in their life
who had narcissistic personality
disorder. And so I became more interested in this space. And so I've been researching learning
about this space. And I wanted to share it with you today because I think it's important.
Today you will discover that approximately 0.5% of the United States population or one in 200 people has narcissistic personality
disorder and this is study from the recovery village.
And so when you hear that number, you think, well, that's not a lot of people.
I'm not likely to bump into someone, but we realize that there are a lot of people that
are on that spectrum.
And so some of us may have dealt with someone who's in an extreme case and some
people less so. But we start to recognize that there are also significant gender differences
when it comes to the prevalence of the disorder, says recovery village, that 75% of people with
narcissistic personality disorder are men. And the demographics go on to give a bit more detail,
two to 6% of those seeking help from mental health clinics,
6% of forensic analysts, 20% of people in the military,
and 17% of first year medical students.
Now, a lot of what I'm gonna share with you today
are more signs that you can notice
in people.
And even if that person doesn't have narcissistic personality disorder or NPD, they may have
certain traits.
And it's important for us to be mindful of these traits in people we meet.
And even in ourselves, because a lot of these traits can create a lot of challenges
moving forward for us and for our relationships. So sometimes when I reflect on this list,
I actually find that there are elements of this in a lot of people, right? And it's just
valuable for us to be aware so we can actually navigate our relationships better.
So here are the ways to know if you're with an narcissist, dating an
narcissist, maybe married to one, maybe you have elements of this in yourself.
And I want to do this in a safe space of acceptance and non-judgment and
encouraging us to find help and support, whether it's through therapy in the
beginning and of course through coaching long term, to just encourage you to move towards that, whether you're with someone that way,
you know a friend who's in that scenario as well because sometimes we find out too late
and act too late.
So one of the first simple as ways that we start to notice that someone has narcissistic
tendencies is that they struggle to talk about others for too long. The conversation
has to constantly shift back to talking about them. So if they start a conversation, it will
often be about them. If they start a conversation, it will often reflect on everyone talking about them.
They enjoy the idea of planting the seed of a problem in a group of people and hearing
what everyone has to say about them.
And so we start to notice that if the conversation veers off, if the conversation goes in another
direction, they will want to drag the conversation back
to them. Now, often when we're around these people will say things like, oh, well, they're
so selfish or they're so self-centered, or we don't enjoy being around that kind of
person because we always feel unheard or we feel like that person's unaware of us.
And this can stay in relationships for years before someone asks for help or
someone even knows that they have this trait. And it takes a lot of courage as a friend to
share this with them. And often we're not the right person, we may not be close enough,
we may not have the trust of that individual. And I think we have to be aware of that. That if you're going to say to someone that,
you know, that they are self-centered or selfish
or the conversations are always about them,
it's important that you also do this
in a compassionate, loving way.
It's very easy to assume that they should know
and they should realize,
but making them aware is extremely healthy
if you're the right person. And and of course doing it through the right person
is even more important.
Someone that that person trusts, respects, maybe even looks up to is what's truly needed.
Now an extended part of this, number two, is that this person craves attention.
Right, they crave attention.
They want everything at the party, to be crave attention. They want everything at the party to be about them.
They want everything at the event to be about them. They're not great at celebrating others. They
struggle when someone else is the center of attention. Think about proposing at someone else's
wedding. Think about announcing something at someone else's birthday, these are all methods to crave attention.
And the Mayo Clinic says that although the cause of narcissistic personality disorder isn't known,
some researchers think that in biologically vulnerable children, parenting styles that are overprotective,
or neglectful, may have an impact.
Genetics and neurobiology also may play a role
in the development of narcissistic personality disorder.
So we start to recognize it's not that that person
doesn't have a choice and you're feeling sorry for them,
but it is understanding the context of how they got there.
The Mayo Clinic also says that as with personality development and with other mental health disorders,
even though the cause is complex, there's three areas that it can be linked to.
The first is environment.
Miss Mathias in parent-child relationships with either excessive adoration or excessive
criticism that is poorly attuned to the child's experience.
I found this fascinating, right?
So this idea that someone craves attention is because they received so much attention growing up
for every tiny thing they did that they're now looking for everyone to give them the same thing.
Or it was the opposite.
They were given no attention for anything they did.
And so there's this natural movement
towards it. Now, I'm sure as you're listening to this, you may be thinking, Jay, I feel
like that a bit. There's times when I want attention because I didn't get any. Well, there's
times when I want attention because my parents always gave me some. So you can start to notice
how we all have different aspects of this within ourselves, within the development of our own personality.
Now whether we notice it is one thing, whether someone else notices it is another, and whether
it's a recurring pattern is another. So we start to see how the prevalence of this in
our life is dependent on how obvious it is and how repetitive it is to the people around us.
We often find that we can be self-aware about something but most people around us don't
notice it.
Or we're self-aware and someone notices it.
And not only are we self-aware, not only does someone notice it, but it is a repetitive
cycle.
Us being aware of it ourselves is really powerful because self awareness is where all change begins
But at the same time there are lots of people in our lives including us who we sometimes miss this
We miss the understanding because from our perspective we think we're right
We're like of course I crave attention everyone craves attention and we assume that because we crave attention
Everyone must be craving the same thing.
So now it makes it a competition.
So we can find that in NPD and in terms of being an arseist,
that becomes this craving of competition.
The other cause that comes up by the Mayo Clinic
is genetics, inherited characteristics.
Of course, if family members had aspects of this,
we start to mirror it, we start to mirror it,
we start to replicate it. And then the third is neurobiology, the connection between the brain
and behavior and thinking. And of course, the biggest area of negative impact this creates
is in relationship difficulties, because we start to recognize that people really struggle
because we start to recognize that people really struggle to connect deeply with someone who has narcissistic tendencies, or we connect for a certain period of time, but then often people feel
exhausted and drained. The third way to know that you're with a narcissist is that they don't accept
responsibility. If they make a mistake, they're not vulnerable enough, they're not open enough to accept
that they are part of the problem.
And I think in relationships, this often becomes a big, big, big issue because when someone
doesn't take responsibility, sometimes we can take it all on ourselves and we think
it's all our fault. We think it's all because of us.
And when that person doesn't take responsibility, we can often start to feel like we're the
only ones responsible.
All the opposite happens.
We know we're not the only ones responsible, but we keep waiting, maybe even forcing for
them to take responsibility, but the penny hasn't dropped for them yet.
They haven't had it click yet that they are a part of the challenge that exists.
The fourth way of knowing is that they make you feel like you're wrong.
That comes from the last one when someone doesn't accept responsibility.
A big part of that is they make you feel like you're wrong.
Now I've had clients who've been in this space of being made to feel like you're wrong. Now, I've had clients who've been in this space of being
made to feel like they're the ones that are wrong, they're the ones that are responsible.
And whenever they've been in this position, the thing that I found is that they internalize
it. If you're sincere, if you're genuine, you start to internalize this and this starts
to play on your own self-worth and your own
self-esteem. And this is why I'm doing this episode because I believe that where we want
to get to is this perfect balance of assessment and examination of ourself, but acceptance of
ourself. Right, you've got assessment of yourself, but you've got acceptance on you of yourself.
That's where we want to live between those two words. When often what we live between is perfection and completely pulverizing ourselves,
or we live between criticizing ourselves or falsely cheering ourselves on,
or we live in between judging ourselves,
or trying to boost ourselves up.
And what I find is that acceptance and assessment
are healthier words.
For example, should we assess
whether we're improving and growing?
Of course we should.
Should we examine whether we've grown since last year
and developed, of course we should.
But when we do that in a critical way,
so the question is how do you assess yourself
without being critical?
How do you examine yourself without being judgmental?
Here's a way to do it.
The way to do it is be more regular and consistent with assessing
yourself and having clear criteria. For example, let's say I'm really committed to become more organized,
right? Let's say that's a personal commitment for me. And so today, I'll say on a scale of one to ten, how organized do I think I am?
And let's say I give myself a five. This is hypothetical, by the way, I consider myself to be very organized.
And now I come up with a plan to be organized. And in a month's time, I ask myself the same question, how organized do I think I am?
how organized do I think I am? And I may say, well, I'm at a six.
Now I'm measuring progress.
And because I've done that month on month,
and now in 12 months, I could say,
I'm at a seven and a half.
That's amazing.
I've gone up two and a half points
than when I started.
And now I feel really confident about this area.
The mistake we make is when we kind of just think about it
in our head, but we don't have a scale.
We make it subjective.
We ask ourselves randomly on any given day when something goes wrong, how we feel about
ourselves, and of course we don't rate ourselves highly.
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I'm journalist and I'm Morton in my podcast City of the Rails.
I plunged into the dark world of America's railroads,
searching for my daughter Ruby, who ran off to hop train.
I'm just like stuck on this train, not now.
It's where I'm gonna end up, and I jump.
Following my daughter, I found a secret city of unforgettable characters living outside society, off the grid and on the edge.
I was in love with a lifestyle and the freedom this community.
No one understands who we truly are.
The Rails made me question everything I knew about motherhood, history, and the thing we call the American dream.
It's the last vestige of American freedom. Everything about it is extreme. You're either
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Come with me to find out what waits for us and the city of the rails. Listen to city of the rails on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. Or cityoftherails.com.
I'm Dr. Romani and I am back with season two of my podcast, Navigating Narcissism. Narcissists
are everywhere and their toxic behavior and words can cause serious harm to your mental health.
In our first season, we heard from Eileen Charlotte, who was loved by the Tinder Swindler.
The worst part is that he can only be guilty for stealing the money from me, but he cannot
be guilty for the mental part he did.
And that's even way worse than the money he took.
But I am here to help.
As a licensed psychologist and survivor
of narcissistic abuse myself,
I know how to identify the narcissist in your life.
Each week, you will hear stories from survivors
who have navigated through toxic relationships,
gaslighting, love bombing,
and the process of their healing from these relationships.
Listen to navigating narcissism on the I Heart Radio app,
Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
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Here, we have the conversations that help black women dig a little deeper into the most
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We chat about things like what to do with a friendship ends,
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And I can't wait for you to join the conversation
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Listen to the Therapy for Girls Podcasts on the I Heart
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The next thing to do is to be as clear with yourself about your strengths as you are
about your weaknesses. I find that a lot of us are unable to name our strengths, but we
find it very easy to reel off a list of weaknesses. What are your strengths? What are the parts
of your life that you feel really confident about? And if you struggle with this, I want
you to ask a colleague, I want you to ask a friend, I want you to ask a family member, and I want you to ask a parent,
where do you excel?
Where do you truly shine?
I want you to be so aware of that, and I want you to know that because when you know you
have strengths and then you know your weaknesses, you can live between acceptance and assessment.
But often we don't live in acceptance, we live in criticism because we only know our
flaws.
We know our flaws deeply
and we know our strengths weekly. Let me repeat that. We know our flaws deeply and we know our strengths
weekly or shallowly and because we don't have a deep understanding of our own strengths,
that's where a lack of self-esteem and self-confidence comes from.
strengths. That's where a lack of self-esteem and self-confidence comes from. Number five is superiority complex. Apart from making you feel like you're the one that's wrong,
there's a way of making you feel inferior. You don't work as hard as them. You don't work as
fast as them. You don't work as smart as them. Right? If your partner always compares themselves
to you or you to them, you start
to notice that this isn't a healthy trait. Now, what do you do in that case? What do you
do when your partner does this? The first thing is to make them aware that you don't
think it's fair, that you don't think it's clear, that you don't think it's the right
way to feel encouraged. We have to give the person the opportunity
to become aware now if they still don't change,
chances are they will need therapy,
that they will need support.
And as I go through this podcast,
I'll also add that you have to set boundaries
because a lot of the times this person is using you
as a punching bag in their journey to perfection, right?
And they're never going to get to perfection.
So they're going to keep punching, trying to release that pressure.
And so you have to be really careful that you don't allow yourself to become a punching
bag to be made to feel inferior consistently, which it takes people years to recover and rebound from things like this.
To this group number six is everything feels like a threat to them.
Everyone you mention, any person, any idea, it starts to feel like a threat.
And the reason why I'm making you aware of that is because I don't want any of you to get caught in the
act of
feeling like
what you're doing is wrong. I think a lot of people live in this fear in their relationships
that I'm doing something wrong and my partner is upset. Now it's different if you cheat on someone
is different. If you lie, it's different if you steal. But often we think we're doing something wrong because they make everything
feel like a threat. You're meeting up with a friend you care about. You're meeting up
with an old friend, you're starting a new job, you're applying for something new, you're
getting advice from someone. And you might start to say, well, you know, everyone has
these traits. Of course, we do. We all have this because of how we were raised.
And it's good to be aware of these things in people because we are, they're not surprised.
They think so much of the time we get surprised.
We think, Oh, but they loved me.
But then we unpack it and we go, Oh, wait a minute.
I saw all those things.
I just ignored them.
Right?
I just ignored them.
The next one is they switch the combo to themselves. Whenever you one is they switched the commode to themselves.
Whenever you say something, they switch it back to themselves. And this was something I had to train myself out of. I found that I always thought it was a way of building rapport. And I started to
realize how it wasn't effective listening. So if someone says to me, oh my gosh, I just went
skydiving this year. Rather than me saying, how was that experience for you? My reaction was like, oh, yeah, I went last year as well.
It was amazing.
And so I found that actually being a better listener,
actually asking better questions,
has allowed me to reduce some of these tendencies.
By me saying, how's that experience for you?
Like, what was your favorite part about it?
What was the worst part about it?
And then me sharing my experience
actually builds up a much healthier
bond. So even if you're listening to this, and I hope you are noticing some of these
traits within yourself, that you start to recognize that you don't want to treat yourself
this way either. Sometimes we take out our narcissism on ourself. Now, number eight is taking
credit. Often the narcissist wants to take credit for everything,
whether they did it or not,
and they will find a way to scoop up the credit,
whether they did it or not.
Something to be very wary of.
And as you can notice,
somebody's a very normal and when you're first starting
a relationship, it's so easy to be blinded by love.
It's so easy to think, oh yeah, no, that's fine.
And then as time goes on, we start to go,
oh, I knew this, I noticed this.
So I wanted to flag that one to you.
And number nine and 10, number nine is a really subtle one.
And I found that, you know, there were elements of this
that I did as well in my relationship
that I had to really work on.
This was reclaiming difficult moments as yours.
So if your partner says, I had a really long day today, you'd say, we'll tell if your partner says I had a really
long day today, you'd say, well, tell me about it. I had a longer day, right? Or, oh,
my gosh, I'm really stressed about this week. And you're like, well, tell me about it. I've
got so much I'm stressed about this week. Someone says, I've got a lot of planning to do for
this meeting. And you say, well, I've got 10 of those meetings this week. So you're reducing the other person.
This is almost a accumulation of all the other areas where you reduce the other person's
efforts because you're reclaiming difficulty as your badge of honor.
And I have spent a lot of time noticing this in myself and when I've done that, because
again, I want a little bit of attention. And you know, all of us do. And so being able to accept and
say, yeah, okay, there were times in my relation with Rady where she would tell me she stressed
about something. And I'd be like, well, I'm more stressed than you are. Imagine what I've
got on. And then you start to realize, well, why am I minimizing? She wasn't comparing
her stress to me. She wasn't trying to say that her stress was bigger than mine or greater than mine.
But because I'm not feeling hurt myself,
and because I'm not vocalizing how I feel myself,
I want to use her vocalization as my opportunity.
If you use someone else's opportunity for vulnerability as a
chance to vocalize your own feelings, you are reducing their voice. You're
reducing their vulnerability. Take a moment to reflect on yourself. It's so easy
for us to listen to these and think about other people, but it is important to
see some of this in ourself. And and again to safely assess and accept ourselves for how we are. We're not
bad people. We've adopted some poor habits and patterns. Right? If you have a bad
dire, it doesn't make you a bad person. It just means you picked up some unhealthy
habits along the way that have become your normality. If a car is driving
through the mud and it gets muddy, it doesn't make the car mud.
It just means that it rolled in some mud,
it picked up some mud along the way,
but it can be washed, it can be cleansed,
it can be detoxed if you like, it can be purified,
and that is the same with us.
And number 10 is a term called love bombing.
This is probably the hardest one.
It's when people are overly loving in the beginning.
They're treating you, they're complimenting you,
they're going all out, telling you how special you are,
how important you are, how amazing you are.
They're excessively intense.
They put you on a pedestal,
they give you extra gifts and positive compliments,
and it just gives you so much energy.
And if you're one of these people,
I hope you hear this because it makes other people
feel like they are going crazy, right?
When you exaggeratedly fall in love with someone,
and the reason you're doing it
is because you want them to think you're amazing. You over love in the beginning because you you want them to think you're amazing.
You overlove in the beginning because you want someone else to think you're amazing.
You want them to say, you are the best thing that ever happened to me.
You want them to say, you are the most incredible thing that ever happened to me.
And then all of a sudden, when you run out of that, you drop them and you say, hey, I
don't think we had anything real.
I don't think there was anything between us.
I didn't really feel the spark. I didn't really feel the spark
I didn't really feel the chemistry. I tried my best. I over loved you. You didn't love me back enough
And that's another thing. We love in order to be loved back
But the other person can't keep up with that exaggerated inflated flattery
And so then we go, Oh, well, you never loved me the same as I loved you
And so how many of you have ever experienced that in your life where
same as I loved you. And so how many of you have ever experienced that in your life where
someone is so excessively exaggeratedly in love with you, you feel like this is going somewhere promising and then they lean away. If you've been through that, I just want you to understand
that that is a challenge for someone that is something they're dealing with. And I know
everything about you makes you want to think you did something wrong or you messed up
and chances are it was a trait that made them do that especially if you were just happy and going along and I just wanted you to take a moment again to assess what happened but accept yourself the
way you are. If you've experienced any of this what have you got to learn what do you do?
One of the biggest things is developing this
understanding of your strengths,
your self-esteem, not based on what someone sees in you,
but what you see in yourself.
That is self-esteem.
Self-esteem is not based on what others see in you.
It's based on what you see in yourself.
Self-confidence is not what other people notice.
It's what you wear. And naturally, whether
people notice or not, it's always there. I want you to thank you for listening to this
episode. I really hope that it helped. I want you to share it with a friend because I want
people to be aware that sometimes the people that they're with, the conversations that
they're having that often it's really, really important that people find help and support
and therapy, that we don't just allow them to be this way and just keep dealing with it and think,
oh yeah, we're trying to help them and we can help them out of this. We need talented, skilled
experts and professionals to support people out of these. Do not put that pressure on yourself.
I think so many people in relationships are trying to be their partners therapist.
It's really tough to do that.
And it isn't your role, it's not your job, but helping them to find help is an amazing thing you can do.
And I want to end by reading some amazing reviews.
And I thank you so much for growing every week in reviews.
We're nearly at the 20,000 goal for the end of this year.
So please, please,
please, I mean the world to me if you left a review. This is a review from Sarah. She says,
I've resisted podcasts for some reason, but realize now that it can be just like a breath
of fresh air in a world with such high demand. Listening to your guidance is a wonderful
way to slow down and make the most of moments we have. Thank you so much. This is from Christa. J. your podcast has changed my life for the better. I was going through a
tough time with anxiety, depression and panic attacks when I came across your
book Think Like A Monk. The book helped me so much and I tell everyone I know to
read it. I started listening to your podcast while I was reading the book and I
haven't stopped listening since. You always have had such good wisdom and
helpful advice. I take something away from every single one
that makes my life better.
Thank you so much for everything you do,
and I'm gonna read one more
because there's so many beautiful one.
This one is from Courtney.
I've started my work day with you
for the past couple of months.
Something about your voice and unbiased advice
brings me such peace and energy to greet the day ahead of me.
I love learning something new with your guests and I just want to thank you for bringing me
calm, wisdom and happiness each day.
Thank you all who have left a review, thank you to everyone who is listening.
I hope you are enjoying this week's episode.
I'll see you soon. Getting better with money is a great goal for 2023.
But how are you going to make it happen?
Ordering a book that lingers on your nightstand isn't going to do the trick.
Instead, check out our podcast How to Money.
That's right, we're two best buds offering all the helpful personal finance information
you need without putting you to Money. That's right. We're two best buds offering all the helpful personal finance information you need without putting you to sleep.
We offer guidance three times a week and we talk about debt payoff, saving more, intelligent investing, and increasing your earnings.
Millions of listeners have trusted us to help them make progress with their financial goals.
You can listen to How to Money on the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
What do a flirtatious gambling double agent in World War II?
An opera singer who burned down an honorary to Kidnap her lover,
and a pirate queen who walked free with all of her spoils, haven't comment.
They're all real women who were left out of your history books.
You can hear these stories and more on the Womanica podcast.
Check it out on the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen.
The world of chocolate has been turned upside down.
A very unusual situation.
You saw this taxicabation in our office.
Chocolate comes from the cacao tree, and recently, variety of cacao, thought to have been
lost centuries ago, were red we discovered in the Amazon.
There is no chocolate on earth like this.
Now some chocolate makers are racing deep into the jungle to find the next game-changing
chocolate, and I'm coming along.
OK, that was a very large crack it up.
Listen to obsessions while chocolate, on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever
you get your podcast.
Listen to the obsessions while chocolate on the iHeart Radio app Apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts