On Purpose with Jay Shetty - 10 Types of People You Will Meet in Your Life & How to Deal with Each of Them
Episode Date: April 8, 2022On Purpose has been nominated for x2 Webby awards this year! It only takes 30 seconds to vote so please VOTE NOW through the links below:BEST HEALTH & WELLNESS PODCASThttps://vote.webbyawards.com/Publ...icVoting#/2022/podcasts/general-series/health-wellnessBEST INFLUENCERhttps://vote.webbyawards.com/PublicVoting#/2022/social/features/best-influencerThroughout our lives, we will meet different types of people with different personalities, backgrounds, and journeys. Some, we may connect with easily. Some, we may find hard to be with. If these encounters with people who get to be part of your life, whether positively or negatively, are inevitable, we may as well learn how to deal with them.In this episode of On Purpose, Jay Shetty shares the varying types of people we get to interact with and how we can navigate through difficult situations with them and around them.Want to be a Jay Shetty Certified Life Coach? Get the Digital Guide and Workbook from Jay Shetty https://jayshettypurpose.com/fb-getting-started-as-a-life-coach-podcast/Key Takeaways:00:00 Intro01:45 We assume that people think like us06:33 Type #1: The Overachiever, the Productive one11:58 Type #2: The Carefree or the Time-Waster17:39 Type #3: The undercover Envious or Jealous one20:20 Type #4: The Supporter for no reason22:26 Type #5: The Needy one24:50 Type #6: The Tough one26:45 Type #7: The Self-Centered one28:38 Type #8: The Generous one29:46 Type #9: The Playful one30:40 Type #10: The Parental oneLike this show? Please leave us a review here - even one sentence helps! Post a screenshot of you listening on Instagram & tag us so we can thank you personally!See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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I'm Jay Shetty and on my podcast on purpose, I've had the honor to sit down with some of the most incredible hearts and minds on the planet.
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If we think that someone can be toxic
and be a toxic person,
then we believe that we could be a bad person.
But if we realize that someone can have toxic habits
and still be a good person underneath those habits,
then that's how we are. We could a good person underneath those habits, then that's how we
are. We could be a person with bad habits, but underneath those bad habits, we have the
potential and the choice to be good and to be great.
Hey everyone, welcome back to on purpose the number one health podcast in the world.
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So today, I wanted to do this episode because I realize that throughout our lives, we generally assume that people think like us.
We assume that people talk like us.
We assume that people will communicate like us.
We make a lot of assumptions in life.
And most of our assumptions is that people will project or reflect our own values and characteristics.
Hence, when someone acts out of alignment,
we wonder, why did that happen?
But why would they do that?
Why would they act in that way?
So even if you were there saying,
Jay, no, no, no, I know that people are different to me.
But then why do we get so surprised and shocked
when they act different, when they deal with conflict
differently?
Why is it that we find that so fascinating?
Why is it that we get so lost and so absorbed in analyzing the way other people live?
I think what's fascinating about this is that we haven't learned to understand that
we are coming across different types of people in our life.
And I'd like to add a strong disclaimer, any trait or characteristic or quality that I
state in this podcast, a person is not a trait, a person is not a characteristic,
a person at the human essence of it is consciousness and energy and is
pure, but often we all get covered over by characteristics and traits. So when
we hear the language toxic person,
that doesn't actually make sense.
It's a toxic trait, it's a toxic habit,
it's a toxic characteristic.
And I want you to add this to your way of thinking
because the way we think about others
comes from how we think about ourselves.
If we think that someone can be toxic and be a toxic person,
then we believe that we could be a bad person. But if we realize
that someone can have toxic habits and still be a good person underneath those habits, then that's
how we are. We could be a person with bad habits, but underneath those bad habits, we have the
potential and the choice to be good and to be great. So today in this podcast, I'm going
to talk to you about the 10 types of people you will meet in your life and how to deal
with them. Some of these are people are going to bring amazing things to your life. Some
of these are going to be people who take things from your life. Some of these people are going
to be people that surprise you in a healthy or unhealthy way. And the reason
why I want you to be aware of this is as you listen to this episode, I want you to think
about people in your life. And I want you to think about editing your relationship with
them. What I found is when something happens in the news or something happens in celebrity
culture or something happens in the zeitgeist or mainstream culture, we all get so obsessed with analyzing it.
We analyze every angle, every perspective, every vantage point, right?
We literally overwhelmingly dive deep into the psychology and the analysis and the mindset,
but in our own lives, we often miss that same opportunity, that opportunity
to dive deep, that opportunity to introspect and reflect.
And here's my very strong belief.
If we pay attention to our lives, the way we pay attention to other people's lives, our
lives would be incredible. And I want today to be an
opportunity where you think about the people in your life, where
you think about the people on your journey. And you sit back and
you ask yourself, where do I need to edit how I feel?
I said something to my wife today.
We had a phone call, we've been catching up.
She's been in London for work, I'm in LA,
before I dive in, I just wanna share this.
And I said something to Radeen, I really meant it.
I said, Radeen, you know what I trust you?
I trust that when you're with people,
you pass on the good you have and you
rather than take on some of the challenges that they may have.
And this is the way we want to be. We want to be people who are able to influence in a
positive way, take positive influence, but not negatively influence others, and not
negatively be influenced. That's who we want to be, right? We want to be people who can
positively influence other people's lives. We also want to be people who can learn from other people's positives,
and we can learn something from truly anyone and everyone. At the same time, we want to be someone
who doesn't negatively influence someone, but we also want to be someone who's not negatively
influenced by others. So let's dive into these 10 people and the first is we come across the overachiever, the
productive one.
How many of you know someone in your life who's a high achiever, a high performer, they're
highly productive, they're highly effective and let's be honest.
Sometimes they make you feel insecure.
They make you feel inferior or unqualified.
Now, there are two ways this high performer can do that.
One is that they're just sharing what they're up to and you feel that way.
Or there's someone who makes you feel that way.
Notice there are two different types.
Not everyone who's a high performer will make you feel bad
that you're not a high performer,
but some people will go out of their way
and that's usually an insecure high performer.
So any trade I give you will have a secure expression
and an insecure expression.
An insecure expression of a personality type
is when you
Make someone else feel inferior to you to feel superior a
Secure expression of a personality type is just sharing something because that's the truth
That's the reality. I often say to people I wake up at 6 a.m
Or I'm highly productive and effective throughout the day
And I'm not trying to do that to make someone feel like they should do that.
And I will actually often caveat and say, by the way, this is just how I choose to live
my life.
This is what I love.
This is what I enjoy.
This is what my purpose is.
This is what I extract meaning and fulfillment from, right?
And that brings me great joy.
It brings me great excitement and enjoyment in my life.
And that's why I do it.
But that doesn't mean that someone can't have fun
by not being productive or effective.
But an insecure expression is to say,
well, no wonder you're struggling.
I mean, you're in bed to 10 a.m.
Or, you know, oh, well, you know, I work really hard
and I see that you're just being lazy all the time and you're just on social media. And, you know, I work really hard and I see that you're just being lazy all the time
and you're just on social media.
And, you know, when you hear that, that can be very triggering.
Now, here's the thing.
You can either leave that conversation and spend the whole journey home talking about how
egoistic that person is, how narcissistic they are, how negative they are, and how they treat you, and none of that has a positive impact on you.
None of that improves your life, none of that changes the quality of your mind.
If anything, it degrades your mind, it pulls you down.
But actually, if you're in that scenario, and you start to think,
well, what do I want to do with my life?
Who is it that I want to be?
What do I value?
What do I want to work hard for?
Do I want to work hard at all?
And if I could be more productive, what could I be more productive for?
Is there a reason for it?
Notice how just as they can be a secure and insecure expression of a personality type, they can be a
reflective or a critical reaction to that personality type. And you see this time and time again,
today in society, we have developed the ability to be critical, but not critical thinkers.
We don't know how to think critically anymore.
We simply know how to think critically.
Right? We don't know how to be critical thinkers.
We just know how to be critical.
So we may walk away from an interaction and be critical,
but that criticism doesn't create any power in our life.
What creates power in our life is the ability to reflect, the ability to introspect, the ability to ask those questions.
I was speaking to a friend recently who was saying that he was surrounded by a bunch of new people and a lot of those people
were doing everything from, you know, going on skiing holidays, they were wearing fancy watches,
they were talking about the suit, they just bought, you know, they were talking about those things
and they weren't doing it to make him feel inferior, they were just talking about their lives.
They may have been slightly disconnected from reality, but that's fair, that's their reality. And so the understanding here is
he went away and he was feeling like, gosh, I don't fit in. I don't ski. I don't have
this watch. Oh my gosh, I'm looking at my $50 watch that I have and you know what's that got to do with anything and you know, maybe I don't fit in here now
It's interesting that
There could be a few reactions. That's one of them
Another reaction could be okay. Well, I need to go get watches and I need to go get a skiing trip
And then the highest response is saying well
Maybe I need to think about if I want to travel at all.
Maybe I need to think about what kind of life I want to live.
Notice how every opportunity when you meet someone is an opportunity to go inward.
Every connection outward is an opportunity to go inward if you choose it.
Otherwise, you get so wrapped up in the externalities of that individual that you can get so absorbed in their life without actually moving forward in yours.
The second type of person we meet is the carefree or the time-waster. The secure expression
is the carefree, their content, their happy with time just flying by and passing by, they
don't pay much attention to it, and the other person is the time-waster. They may complain that they're not getting enough done.
They may be sad that they don't feel productive
and effective, they complain about it.
But in reality, it doesn't make sense
because they're the ones wasting their time.
So you may see both expressions of this
and you can't judge one for the other.
I hope what I'm also sharing with you today is a lack of judgment. You know, I look back in
my life. There have been times when I've been a time-waster. There's been times when I've been
a insecure over-achiever. There's been times in my life where I've been all these things and that
makes me more compassionate and empathetic to when people have those things too. So when a time waste is reflecting it as being content because they're
secure in that way, don't force them to change. Allow them to be that way. It's actually
beautiful that way. Respect that. Admire it. Almost reward it. Let them repeat it. If they're
content in being carefree, let's actually champion that. Let's be people who notice that security in people. I have a few clients that I'll constantly say to them, I am
so grateful for how self-aware you are. Now the reason I keep repeating that, I may
repeat that multiple times in a call or multiple times in multiple calls
because I realize that people don't realize what they do well. We all realize what
we do badly. If you did your skin routine perfectly every day
for a week, you wouldn't stop and say, I've had seven days I'm doing so great. But if
you missed one day, you'd be like, Oh gosh, I missed it. That's why I've got this spot
on my face. And that's why I don't feel fresh and glowy and all the rest of it, right?
Notice how we're so quick to pick apart our lack of performance than we are to pull ourselves up
And so I do that for my clients and friends and family and I want you to do it for yourself
And I want you to do it for others now the other side the time-waster the insecure expression is almost like they try to pull you down
So they say well, you do too much work
You need to reduce the amount of time you spend at work. Oh my gosh
You're always working. You're always busy and And that's an insecure expression of that. And when
you hear those terms like, Oh, you're always busy for everyone. Oh, you just prioritized
your work. Like, you know, that passive aggressive almost, that may make you feel uncomfortable
and you may think, well, why don't you work and why don't you do this? And that's you
kind of get into that bitterness. We know we have these two options bitterness or bitterness
and
bitterness creates more bitterness inside of us and it's not a fun feeling right you don't like sitting there feeling like
Oh, well, maybe you should do some work or maybe if you worked harder you'd know like those feelings don't
Do they fill you up?
They don't fill me up
Like I don't feel a sense of excitement or joy or you know, I don't feel a sense of I don't fill me up. Like I don't feel a sense of excitement or joy
or, you know, I don't feel a sense of,
I don't know, I don't feel a sense of satisfaction
when I hear or experience those things
inside my own head.
And so when I hear that from people,
you just let it go.
You realize it's an insecure expression of themselves.
You let it go.
In one ear out the other,
you continue to do your thing.
Of course, this is different if it's your partner or if it's your, you know,
a loved one who's really trying to look out for you where you would want to listen,
you would want to take that into account and understand them. And I think that's something we
have to do better in this scenario as well as even then shut it out. We have to be curious and say,
well, what would you say I do at that time?
What would you say that I, and really be curious,
really ask it with sincerity?
What I'm trying to do is avoid you getting lost
and being pulled down.
I want you to be able to either pull people up
or keep going, but I don't want you to get pulled down.
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The third is the undercover, envious or jealous one.
Maybe they smile, maybe they congratulate you, but you feel that the insecure expression
of this one is that they pretend to be nice or they may don't even pretend and they just
pull you down.
The secure expression of someone who may be envious or jealous and they're doing this
in a secure way as well, I'd love to learn from you.
They may say to you, can you teach me, can you help me?
They may congratulate you, but they may say,
it's amazing, I wish I could do the same thing.
That's somewhat more of a secure expression.
The insecure expression is when they pretend
to be happy for you, but you know inside
that they don't really quite feel happy.
This can be really uncomfortable to deal with.
It can be really, really uncomfortable to deal with because it just makes you feel bad,
it makes you feel guilty, it doesn't want you to be close to them, and maybe this is someone
in your circle that is around you a lot. And one of the things I found, and this made me
realize who my real friends were and who weren't, I found that my real best friends are people
I can share my highs with and my lows with.
They're people that if I told them the best thing that happened in my life, they wouldn't
judge me.
And if I told them the worst thing in my life, they wouldn't leave me.
Right?
That's a friend.
A friend, a real friend, is someone who doesn't judge you in your best times and doesn't
leave you in your best times and doesn't leave you in your worst times. When we're going through our
best moments, a lot of the time false friends will judge us. They will be envious. They'll be jealous.
They'll they'll think lower of us. But the key is we all have people in our life who have again
secure and insecure expressions of this. So what do we do?
One of the things I do with anyone that I know as a sense of envy or jealousy is you,
of course, don't share things that trigger them.
You don't try to share things that would concern them
or make them feel that way.
And when that happens, usually you struggle with that because you want to talk about that.
Now the mistake we make is we also overplay our issues. And that I saw I did that for a long time.
Around people that I was scared, felt that way, I would overplay my issues and my problems and I would
complain to them. And I realized that didn't make me happy either because now I was becoming more of
a complainer and I didn't want to be that person. So notice just because you don't tell them your positives, it doesn't mean you have to
highlight your negatives.
The best thing is to do is be neutral and ask them questions, support them in their journey,
help them, guide them, coach them, mentor them if you can, see how you can support them
and help them if you want and if they're close enough.
The fourth type of person is what I call the supporter for no reason. Someone who supports you for no reason. I have a wonderful friend
that I'm thinking about right now and I hope she's listening. And I would actually now that I
start thinking of her, I would actually say there's about three people I'm thinking of right now.
These people have supported me for no reason. And what does it know reason?
What I mean by that is they are just loving, kind, giving,
supportive because they want to be.
They value what I do.
They care about me and their supporters for no reason.
Tell them how much you love them.
Make time for them.
Messes them right now and tell them that you value them
and love them. Those people
are so special that they're often forgotten. They're the people that introduce you to
some of the most amazing people. They're the people that in between or they go between
that get forgotten, that get hidden, that get lost. Please don't be one of those people
that forgets them, that misses out on them. Because you have so much to be thankful for with them.
And I'm so excited for you to experience that for the rest of your life
and never let it go.
So what's the secure expression of the supporter?
We know what that feels like.
What's the insecure expression of the supporter is when they message you and they're upset that
you didn't tell them about something.
Right?
Now, that person still wants to support you, but they're having an insecure expression
of it where they want to be your only cheerleader.
They want to be your main go-to person.
And that becomes a challenge because, you know, you're just like, well, why didn't you know about this
soul? Why does it work that way? Or why do we get lost with this whole situation? And so
those people as well, you still want to acknowledge them, receive them because they do want to support
you. And even if they're annoying, we're more annoyed by people who don't want to support us.
Even if they're annoying, we're more annoyed by people who don't want to support us. So it's worth not missing out on them as well.
So the fifth one is the needy one.
The insecure expression we all know, that person is always messaging you, who always needs
you, who always compares you to other people and says, oh, well, you're never there for
me or all you earn there.
You forgot about my this day or birthday or you know you
never show up for me. It's someone who wants a lot from you. I realize I struggled with
this one for a long time because I'm married to someone who doesn't demand a lot from
me and I don't demand a lot from her and we enjoy that space in our relationship. And
so often I'd say to people I'd be like you want more from me than my wife from once
from me and sometimes they were men like you want more from me than my wife from once from me.
And sometimes they were men,
like, you know, it's people in my life friends.
And I would just say, I can't live up to that.
Because even my wife, my mom, my dad,
they give me space and it's hard.
So I was very honest with them.
Because to me, the honesty is what
cleared the air of expectation.
Sometimes because we want to be people, ple, is we feed into the needy people because
we don't want them to think we're bad people.
But then we eventually end up letting them down anyway, right?
How many times have you tried to please a needy person and you let them down anyway because
so many people are not going to be pleased by whatever you can do, especially if they have
a needy element, right?
So, I want you to just think about how you can behave with a needy individual and how you can
respond and how you can interact because the needy person can often take so much energy
and take so much effort because you don't draw your boundaries.
And I think so many people don't draw their boundaries
because we're people places.
We say we're there for them,
but really we're doing it
because we don't want them to think we're bad people.
But that's what being honest
is never being a bad person by saying,
I don't have the capacity.
I don't have the ability.
I don't have the bandwidth. You know, my wife, my partner doesn't need this much for me and I'm trying to
spend my time with them. And I'll often say that to people like, I'll go back to London
and people be like, oh, I'd love to see. And I'm like, look, I haven't seen my mum for like
a year and a half. It's going to be hard for me to find time. It's going to be hard for me to
get that going. And so just being honest saves you and saves you from the pressure and
expectation that you're placing on yourself because someone else is placing it on you.
Now the sixth one, I've met a lot of people in this category, mainly men, called them
the tough ones. What I mean by this tough one is not the physical toughness. I mean toughness
where they portray a stoicism. So the tough one,
the secure expression of this is that they're able to experience emotions, but they wait till they
feel comfortable. And that's healthy. But then there's also people that never want to show their
emotions. They only show their toughness and they often impress that upon you.
So when we take a look at that scenario
and look at those two expressions
of secure and insecure expression,
the way to deal with tough people
is to melt them with love.
I remember I've always been a hugger.
And if you see me and you listen to the podcast,
come up to me and tell me you're an on-purpose listener,
I will give you the biggest hug.
I promise you, I'm a hugger, through and through
and through, I love hugging people, and I will do that. But here's the thing,
when I do that to send people who aren't used to being hugged or they are the tough one,
then that can be uncomfortable in the beginning. And I've realized that you can melt people's
heart with love. I've met so many tough people in my life and I have just loved on them and loved
on them and loved on them. Generally not as a a technique Not as a tool because I love them and I appreciate them and I've seen
The hearts melt because everyone is seeking love remember this beautiful quote from Russell Barkley
Where he said that people who need the most love
often ask for it in the most
Unloving ways so that person who's acting like that tough cold exterior
They often need the most love they're just. So that person who's acting like that tough, cold exterior,
they often need the most love.
They're just asking for it in a weird way.
So if you love on that person, eventually,
and loving doesn't mean running after,
loving doesn't mean pleasing, loving means noticing
the potential in them, noticing the good in them,
noticing the genuine spark within them.
You notice that specifically? That person will start to melt.
The seventh one is the self-centred one.
We all have a friend who all they do
when you go over is talk about themselves.
If you can't think of someone, that friend is you.
Right, it's that person that you know
when you go over, it's always gonna be about them.
It's gonna be about their date,
it's gonna be about their business, it's gonna be about their relationship,'s going to be about their business. It's going to be about their relationship
It's going to be about them them them them them them them them them them them them them them them them them and the funny thing is that
We have a bit of self-centeredness is not in us because we're like well, why is it about them them them them them them them them them them them them
It should be about me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me right like that's even a self-centered thought
And what I found is when I'm in that scenario, the most reliable method is to be vulnerable
and curious with them.
You have to be more vulnerable about yourself to be able to allow them to connect and you
have to be more curious about them so that they're forced to actually think.
The reason why people talk about themselves more often is because they don't get to talk
about that in their own head. So they're trying to do it with you.
They're trying to have a conversation that they should be having in their head with you.
And so if you're curious, you could actually help them reflect more effectively, which
actually makes them go, huh, oh yeah, okay, that makes sense. All right, how are you doing?
Right? Like so they're actually using you and not using you in a manipulative way.
They're using you because people need this
as a sounding board.
And when you act as a sounding board,
they can move on quicker.
When you act as just someone who listens
or someone who's disengaging,
who's, yeah, yeah, I guess so.
Then you're actually encouraging them to just continue doing that
because you're not being an effective sounding board.
So if someone is trying to make you a sounding board, don't become a wall. Become a sounding board. Play the role of the
sounding board. Ask questions. Reflect. Interrespect. Not only does it become more interesting
and a learning curve for you, it becomes more fascinating for them. Okay, three more people.
Number eight is the generous one. It's easy. Reciprocate with them.
A secure expression of the generous one
is someone who's being generous and they don't tell you they are.
The insecure expression is someone who's being generous
and has to tell you they are.
Either way, reciprocate with them.
The person who's generous without asking for it,
show them some love, tell them how much they mean to you,
generous with their time, generous with their money,
generous with their network, and then the their money, Genres with their network.
And then the person who's insecure
and has to keep reminding you of it.
One of the best things to do with them
is to not fall into the trap
of reminding them of all the good things you do.
But reminding them of all the other good things
other people do and saying things like,
well, you know, I was showing this person the other day.
They're doing this amazing thing, they're doing that.
And one of that starts to do is they helps them realize
that there are lots of other people
that are thoughtful and generous.
It helps them realize and gain perspective.
You are helping them have a thought that they may not have and you're not putting them
down.
Remember, your response is never to put someone down.
It's to pull them up or keep going yourself.
Remember that.
You are either trying to keep going or pull someone up, but you're never pulling someone
down or putting someone down or pushing someone down.
You just don't do that.
It's not worth it.
Number nine is the playful one.
This is my wife.
Protect them.
Let them be playful.
In our growing up and our adulthood, we want everyone to grow up and become serious and
become.
This is different from the time waste where it's someone who's productive, they're doing
their own thing but they're playful, they're fun.
And when we're tired and when we're exhausted, we just want to be like, stop it.
Just, just why do you have to be so joyful all the time?
Sometimes people feel that way.
They go, why are you being so joyful?
Why are you happy all the time?
Protect that person.
That person who has that childlike innocence, that love in their heart, that joy in their
mind and
body and soul, protect that. Remind them to stay that way, encourage them to stay that
way. I have, you know, I think about this with people on my team, I always remind them,
I'm like, you're great. Just the way you are. Stay that way. Like I just want you to
know that. I see that and I honor that. I honor that. And then it's the flip side.
The 10th one is the parental one.
Help them bring out their inner child.
They may be able to grow up too quick.
They may be able to take responsibility on too soon and they've forgotten how to play.
Bring play into their life.
Introduce them to the playful one and see what happens.
I want to thank you for listening to today.
Remember to vote.
Please please please do go vote for us. I hope this
helped you pass it on to someone that you think's going to benefit from it. And I cannot wait to see
you again next week. Thank you for all your love and support. You're the best.
What if you could tell the whole truth about your life, including all those tender and
visible things we don't usually talk about?
I'm Megan Devine.
Host of the podcast, it's okay that you're not okay.
Look, everyone's at least a little bit not okay these days, and all those things we
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This season, I'm joined by Stellar, Gas like Aburmate, Rachel Cargol,
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Hey, it's Debbie Brown, host of the Deeply Well Podcast, where we hold conscious conversations
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Namaste.
Our 20s are often seen as this golden decade.
Our time to be carefree, make mistakes, and figure out our lives.
But what can psychology teach us about this time?
I'm Jemma Speg, the host of the psychology of your 20s.
Each week we take a deep dive into a unique aspect of our 20s,
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