On Purpose with Jay Shetty - 2 Levels Of Loneliness & 3 Ways To Create Deeper Connections

Episode Date: August 7, 2020

Quarantine life has been challenging on relationships and interpersonal interaction. Jay Shetty acknowledges that loneliness is weighing heavy on many right now. In times like this, a proactive focus on health and well being is vital. Need strategies to not only get out of a lonely funk, but strengthen your quarantine communication? Jay gives practical tips on how to make this a time of healthy interaction and meaningful self growth. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hey, it's Debbie Brown, host of the Deeply Well Podcast, where we hold conscious conversations with leaders and radical healers and wellness around topics that are meant to expand and support you on your wellbeing journey. Deeply well is your soft place to land, to work on yourself without judgment, to heal, to learn, to grow, to become who you deserve to be. Deeply well with Debbie Brown is available now on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Namaste. Hi, I'm Brendan Francis Nunehm. I'm a journalist, a wanderer, and a bit of a bond-vivant, but mostly a human just trying

to figure out what it's all about. And not lost is my new podcast about all those things. It's a travel show where each week I go with a friend to a new place and to really understand it, try to get invited to a local's house for dinner. Where kind of trying to get invited to a dinner party, it doesn't always work out. Ooh, I have to get back to you. Listen to not lost on the iHeart radio app or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Danny Shapiro, host of Family Secrets.

It's hard to believe we're entering our eighth season and yet we're constantly discovering new secrets. The variety of them continues to be astonishing. I can't wait to share 10 incredible stories with you, stories of tenacity, resilience, and the profoundly necessary excavation of long-held family secrets. Listen to season 8 of Family Secrets on the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever

you'll get your podcasts. Hey everyone, welcome back to on purpose. The number one health podcast in the world, thanks to each and every single one of you who come back every week to listen, learn and to grow. Now this week, I've been speaking to a lot of you. I've been talking to a lot of my friends. I've been reading comments and I'm noticing something that a lot of people are Struggling with the mental health at this time with the pandemic with the lockdown. I

Know that it's affected so many of us in so many different ways and so today I actually wanted to focus on how we can experience more love and Connection during lockdown. Because whether you are savanna by lots of people or whether you're living alone, we all experience the need for more love and connection. So this isn't just, if you're lonely, this isn't just if you're savanna with friends.

Even if you've started reconnecting with a small group of friends, and even if you've started quarantining in a small group and getting together again, this is really, really important because for a lot of people, it's been hard to figure out how to reconnect. Right? How many of you are struggling to have just a normal face-to-face conversation? Maybe you are maybe a nah, but it's so important that we learn how to find a more loving connection

in our lives, especially post-pandemic. And if you're not listening to this for yourself, remember to listen to it for your friends, your family, who may be feeling this way. There may be someone in your life that is feeling this way. So listen to this. According to researchers at Stanford University,

loneliness is the number one reason that people seek therapy today. The number one reason that people seek therapy today. The number one reason. And more and more people are seeking therapy, seeking coaching, and seeking community in their lives. And listen to this, researchers at the University of Arizona recently administered a loneliness survey to more than 1,000 Americans from all 50 states in the US aged 18 to 35. Some of you might actually be in that demographic. 61.5% of respondents reported feeling mostly socially

isolated. And these feelings of loneliness were significantly higher than in similar surveys that took place before the coronavirus lockdown. As we can imagine that the lockdown and pandemic brought about that feeling of loneliness and disconnection. Now, some of us are confined with family and which we could get some alone time. Like some of us are craving that alone time. How many of you are raising your hands right now shouting yes, that's me.

You just want some space and you're like, I need some space, right? I need some space. I can't find space in my own house if you've been surrounded by lots of people. And others are spending most of their time alone and are like, oh, I wish I could be with someone. I know people wanting to go and visit their family. I know me and Rade for example would have loved to spend more time with our family at this

time, but we couldn't go back to London to actually do that. And I know my wife's missing her parents a lot. So today I'm going to talk about the two levels of loneliness. And what you can do to feel more connected and fulfilled in your life. If you're ready right now, I want you to take a screenshot because this is where it gets deep. So you can get in with me. I want you to be able to take notes. If you're listening while you're walking your dog or

you're on a jog or you're running or you're in the gym or you're cooking. Thank you so much again for being here. Let's dive right in. Now, in many ways, single people and people who live alone are actually doing better during this time than they're married or partnered counterparts. Right? For some having a partner or family, who they live with provides a social outlet. But loads of marriages are struggling. Relationships are struggling. The stress of on and off lockdowns, financial issues and spending tons of extra time together is actually driving some couples apart.

And if you're in that group, then I definitely want you to stick around. If you've struggled, and I've had a lot of my friends open up to me and say how much they've struggled during the lockdown with their partner. And me and Ravi definitely did in the beginning too, because we used to be in different countries

quite often, we used to both traveling a lot. I'm used to being out of meetings all day and we started to realize that we were both inside our apartment and we just had to set new barriers. So I remember in the first couple of weeks, we had to set new expectations about who was going to do what when, you know, how we left the living room or the lounge or the workspace, you know, which area was work and which area was social. We had to do that. I'm sure you've been through a lot of this as well. But listen to this. In China and Hong Kong, according to the BBC, once lockdown restrictions started to lift, the number of people filing for divorce began to skyrocket. Now, some of these who rushed out and

filed for divorce later changed their minds. So that's a reminder not to be too hasty in making major decisions during a stressful time. Sometimes when we are experiencing stress or pressure, we don't make the best decisions for ourselves. The best decision is a decision that you felt is true for you for some time, not a decision that you just felt was right for you yesterday. And that's a great way of knowing whether the decision is right for you. If you've felt for a long time that you just need to move, I've been speaking to my friends who live with a lot of family. And they've known for some time that they need to move out, that they need to

pay their own way and their lockdown has made that really clear for them. And so when they were asking me like, do you think this is right? I was like, well, have you felt this way for before the lockdown? Right, has this been a decision in your life that had some sort of a seed before the lockdown? Because all the lockdown has done

has amplified what was already already there. Right, the lockdown hasn't created new issues. It's amplified issues that may have already existed that we glossed over or didn't notice it much. So the point is, while we might think that those living alone and singles have it hardest during times of isolations, that's not necessarily true and that's not taking away from someone's pain of being alone, but it's also recognizing that there are challenges being surrounded by people. So here's something that will surprise a lot of you. According to Dr. Eliakim Kislev, I hope I'm saying that right, a professor of public policy

and government at Hebrew University, and the author of Happy Singalhood, the rising acceptance and celebration of solo living, the narrative that coupled people have it easier during lockdown could be largely wrong. In an article in Psychology Today, Kislev writes that many singles have fared well socially during these initial months of isolation. And that's because while they were isolated physically, they were not isolated mentally.

And those are the two levels of loneliness we're going to talk about today. Loneliness caused by physical distance and loneliness caused by mental and emotional distance. And I'm going to give you strategies and tactics for how to address both so that you can feel more connection in your life. A minute ago, I told you that loneliness is the number one reason people cite for seeking therapy today, right? Like I just mentioned that to you. But guess what? This isn't a new phenomenon.

That statistic has been true for years. In many ways, I think of the virus as that great amplifier. If you have underlying problems in your relationships, the lockdown and other stresses are amplifying and magnifying them. If you were feeling lonely before, you're probably feeling even more lonely now. Or maybe you weren't feeling lonely before, you weren't aware of feeling a lack of connection because you were so busy with your job and all of the activities you had going on. But now that those things are cancelled or postponed, or you've been laid off work or are just physically isolated more, so you're realizing that you feel

socially disconnected. Loneliness doesn't just feel bad, creates real problems. Dr. Vivek Murthy, former surgeon general of the US in 2017 wrote this, during my years caring for patients, the most common pathology I saw was not heart disease, or diabetes, it was loneliness. Morthy went on to write that impact of loneliness on health was similar, listen to this, wait for it to, if you smoked 15 cigarettes a day. How crazy is this, that the former surgeon general

of the US in 2017 said that during my years caring for patients, the most common pathology I saw was not heart disease or diabetes, but loneliness. The impact of loneliness on health was similar to if you smoked 15 cigarettes a day. Conversely, according to MSsepola, the associate director for Stanford University's Center for Compassion and Autism Research, the opposite is also true. If you feel you have strong connections in your life, you have 50% greater chance of living longer. It's about how you feel about what's in your life. It's not necessarily about who's in your life or how many people are in your life. It's about how you feel about the people that are there. It's about how you feel connected to them.

So sometimes we start thinking about, you know, is it because I don't have enough people in my life? Is it because I need more people in my life? It's actually not that it's how we feel about the people that currently exist in our life. How do you personally feel about your closest friend? If you had to ask yourself, who's my closest friend, what would the answer be? Right? When you think about how you feel about that role that person plays, whoever they are, that's going to be the one that makes the big difference. I'm Eva Longoria. I'm Maite Gomez-Rajón.

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Maitegómez Rejón as part of the Mycultura Podcast Network available on the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Our 20s are seen as this golden decade. Our time to be carefree, full in love, make mistakes and decide what we want from our life. But what can psychology really teach us about this decade? I'm Gemma Speg, the host of the psychology of your 20s. Each week,

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Gemma Speg, now streaming on the IHOT radio app, Apple podcasts, or whatever you get your podcasts. I'm Danny Shapiro, host of Family Secrets. It's hard to believe we're entering our eighth season. And yet, we're constantly discovering new secrets. The depths of them, the variety of them continues to be astonishing. I can't wait to share 10 incredible stories with you,

stories of tenacity, resilience, and the profoundly necessary excavation of long-held family secrets. When I realized this is not just happening to me, this is who and what I am. I needed her to help me. Something was gnawing at me that I couldn't put my finger on, that I just felt somehow that there was a piece missing.

Why not restart? Look at all the things that were going wrong. I hope you'll join me and my extraordinary guests for this new season of Family Secrets. Listen to season eight of Family Secrets on the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you'll get your podcasts. So let's look at the definition

of what it feels to feel connected. UC Berkeley's Greater Good magazine describes social connectedness as the feeling that you belong to a group and generally feel close to other people. Many researchers say that social connectedness is a core psychological need for us to feel fulfilled and happy. Yet according to data from UGOV, 30% of millennials report always or often feeling lonely.

That's 10% more than Gen X and 15% more than baby boomers. 27% of millennials say they have no close friends. That's a lot of people. Now, if you fall into that category and you're listening right now, you're not considered a loser, right? Like I think that's the issue that we've built up around having no friends that we also view not having lots of friends as a weakness, as opposed to just realizing that it takes

time to build trusted relationships. It takes time to be friends with people that are good people. It's not something where you just want to be surrounded by lots of fake friends who wants fake friends, right? No one wants that. So by now you're probably thinking, I get it, Jay loneliness is bad for me, but how do I stop feeling it? So let's get down to the real strategies for erasing loneliness and feeling more connection in your life. Let's start by addressing loneliness caused by physical distance. That's level one of loneliness. You want to connect

with others, but you can't because of physical restrictions and guidelines or fear that you will become sick or ill. You feel physical loneliness. You either have people in your life you're close to, but you feel disconnected from right now because you can't get together with them in person, or maybe your friends and family you're connected with, but you want romance and it's hard to meet someone in lockdown. When it comes to ways to connect with loved ones during lockdown, lots of newspapers and media sites have been offering suggestions, so I'm not going to spend time recounting all of them.

Lots of us have been having Zoom, dance parties, and game nights, and watching movies, or whatever it is. But what if you're one of those people who, because of all the distractions at work and how busy you were before lockdown, you didn't realize how much you're lacking in social connection. And you just haven't met those friends here

or that partner you deeply connect with. And now with all these restrictions, you feel like that's going to be impossible. All around the world, people are feeling similarly and as a result, they're coming up with some pretty creative ways to connect. Now, this was a story that I love and I can't wait to share with you. When Jeremy Cohen, a resident of Brooklyn, New York, went out onto his roof deck, he saw a strange sight. Although, maybe not that strange for New York.

Anyway, Jeremy went out onto his deck as he looked across the way on the roof of another building, he saw a woman dancing, probably doing a TikTok or something like that, right? Now, even though she was far enough away that he couldn't see the details of what she looked like, something about the woman appealed to him, right? As Jeremy told CBS News, I saw shining bright light. She was happiness in a dark time. Now, I don't know who would have more fault for that line, right?

It's a great line. Jeremy knew he had to do something to try and meet this woman, but how? And this was right at the beginning of lockdown. Everything was locked down. He went back out onto his deck, and as luck would have it, the woman looked over at him. He smiled and waved. She, the woman looked over at him. He smiled

and waived, she returned the smile and waived back. But still, what to do from there? Even in a city where shouting is a popular form of communication, she was too far away for Jeremy to yell at her. That's where his creativity kicked in. Jeremy wrote his number on a piece of paper, It's has to to a drone that he happened to have. And then flew over to her. A short time later, the woman, Torey Senior Ella texted him and they started talking and he asked for it to dinner literally. Because of the lockdown, they couldn't eat together in the way that people normally

do. Instead, they eat set up a small table, Jeremy on his deck and Torrin, her roof, set it with the white linen, got some wine and set up a facetime with a shed of virtual toast. Now, I know what you're thinking. What about a second date? How do you top that? Now if that first date wasn't created in Vinauve, for the next day Jeremy did some shopping. He bought, now I'm not making this up, I swear to you, he bought a giant inflatable bubble

on eBay and he got inside it and they went for a walk together. Picture it, she's walking along like normal and there's this guy walking or sort of rolling walking alongside her in this big bubble. But it seems to be working out so far. I mean, we can be reasonably certain. Tori has probably never had a guy go to those lands today or before. I know I'd be impressed if anyone did that for me too. So the good news is you don't have to go to those extremes to figure out how to make meaningful connections during this time. Lots of us, especially when it comes to romantic relationships, are continuing to lean on dating apps. During the lockdowns, use of online dating apps has skyrocketed. According to the economic times, Tinder saw an all-time usage

high on March 29th, with more than 3 billion swipes around the world. And during a two-week period in March, Bumble experienced a 26% increase in usage. Filter off is a relatively new app, which learns just before the virus. Developers Zach says he had only a few thousand users enrolled in the video speed dating app, which suggests matches for three-minute video dates just before the virus. Developers Zach says he had only a few thousand users enrolled

in the video speed dating app, which suggests matches for three minute video dates before COVID struck. Then in just under a month, he experienced a 7,000% increase in user signup. Many people speculate that this phenomenon of video pre-dates may continue after COVID, but according to Reuters,

a representative from Bumble in the UK said that 55% of users surveyed so that they would continue to use video predates to get to know potentials before agreeing to me in person. That's a good thing, right? Like, I'm actually really happy to hear that because the more we're doing video dates where people aren't just swiping or aren't just texting or aren't just ghosting. If we're actually having FaceTime calls, we're actually talking to each other and communicating. That's actually going to give us a better sign of whether someone's right for us and whether we feel connected to them. In the US, restrictions vary by state and are changing daily, so an in-person

date might be on one minute and off the next based on current guidelines. Yeah, Australian seem to have found a method that works. According to the Guardian, in Australia, flirting from 1.5 meters apart across the supermarket aisle is now the new norm. Aussie Jordan Smith told the Guardian, everyone still needs to go to the grocery store and a cold supermarket. In Corona Times is the new place to date. I've decided, right? This is what Ozzy Jordan Smith told us. I've decided, there's what he's saying,

you learn about people's food choices. Are they choosing three-ply or two-ply? It's a whole new level of intimacy. For friendships, there's an app called Quarantine Chat, which connects strangers and quarantine zones around the world for phone chats to combat loneliness. Quarantine chat was created by artists Daniel Baskin and Max Hawkins, friends who have stayed in touch for years through the strategy of random calls.

So those are some ways people are dealing with loneliness caused by physical distance and finding ways to meet new people. Now, what about if you already have lots of friends and you're in touch with your family, but you still feel disconnected. In a study of 20,000 adults, 54% said they don't know one person who knows them well. In a study of 20,000 adults, 54% said they don't know one person who knows them well.

Loneliness is not necessarily being alone. It's the feeling that no one loves you. That is the deepest level of loneliness. So, and there's a beautiful statement by Robin Williams on this, I believe, and just gonna find it for you actually. Let me just bring it up here. I'm just reading this out loud. I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up alone.

He said it's not. The worst thing in life was to end up alone. He said it's not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel alone. Now, when you hear that, it just freaks your heart because we can identify, and of course, we all love Robin Williams as well, but that's somewhat, I guess, how he felt. So if level one is loneliness caused by physical distance,

level two, that deeper level is loneliness that is mental and emotional in origin. That means that no matter who is in our lives or even if they're in close physical proximity, we still feel that we lack worth and value or that no one understands us. Going out and meeting more people on its own isn't going to help that, but I'm going to give you three strategies that will. For a lot of us, that feeling of loneliness is coming from a lack of connection with ourselves. That is the very deepest level of loneliness. When we're physically isolated, when we lose our distractions, part of the anxiety and discomfort we often feel has to do with discovering that we're living with a stranger ourselves.

We discover how little we know about ourselves, how disconnected we feel from our own deepest motivations and desires, and that can leave us feeling incredibly lonely. So that's strategy number one for curing loneliness caused by mental and emotional distance. Get to know yourself better. It can be even as simple as sitting down with a notepad pen or a tablet or your iPhone and making two lists. Down one column is, I like and down the other column is, I don't like. Again, that sounds really simple and it is, that's the point.

Allow yourself to write down or to type what comes to mind without censoring it. You might be surprised where it leads you. Maybe some of the things and people you think you like or think healthy for you, they really aren't. Maybe you'll find a secret passion or hobby you've been busy to do connect with. Like you write down, I like drawing and you never draw and you realize that's something you'd like to do more of. So you buy a sketch pad and some pencils

or you sign up for an online art class. And there you have an a meet someone who also likes to draw. But even if you don't meet other people, even if you just enjoy this new hobby, you will find something surprising. You will find that even if you're just doing this thing by yourself, even if you're just making time

every day or every week or every month to sit down alone with your sketch pad, you will feel less lonely, because you'll be connecting with something you truly desire to do. You'll be engaging with something truly meaningful to you, right, and we've all experienced that before. So that's strategy number one, get to know yourself better.

Sit down and make a list of your likes and dislikes and that includes things or people you want to release from your life or at least spend less time and energy on. And I'll add a note here, it's not helpful to turn your dislikes into a rant about some other person. This is about you and uncovering the things that feel desirable and healthy in your life and what feels undesirable and unhealthy. This is what it sounds like inside the box car. I'm journalist and I'm Morton in my podcast, City of the Rails. I plunge into the dark world of America's railroads, searching for my daughter Ruby,

who ran off to hop trains. I'm just like stuck on this train, not where I'm gonna end up, and I jump. Following my daughter, I found a secret city of unforgettable characters living outside society off the grid and on the edge. I was in love with the lifestyle and the freedom of this community. No one understands who we truly are. The rails made me question everything I knew about motherhood, history, and the thing we call the American Dream. It's the last vestige of American freedom.

Everything about it is extreme. You're either going to die, or you could have this incredible rebirth, and really understand who you are. Come with me to find out what waits for us in the City of the Rails. Listen to City of the Rails on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcast. Or, cityoftherails.com. I am Yamla, and on my podcast, The R-Spot, we're having inspirational, educational, and sometimes difficult and challenging conversations

about relationships. They may not have the capacity to give you what you need, and insisting means that you are abusing yourself now. You human! That means that you're crazy as hell, just like the rest of us. When a relationship breaks down, I take copious notes and I want to share them with you. Anybody with two eyes and a brain knows that too much Alfredo sauce is just no good for you. But if you're going to eat it, they're not going to stop you. So he's going to continue to give you the Alfredo sauce and put it even on your grits if you don't stop him. Listen to The R-Spot on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you listen to podcasts.

I'm Jay Shetty and on my podcast on purpose, I've had the honor to sit down with some of the most incredible hearts and minds on the planet. Oprah, everything that has happened to you can also be a strength builder for you if you allow it. Kobe Bryant. The results don't really matter. It's the figuring out that matters.

Kevin Haw. It's not about us as a generation at this point. It's about us trying our best to create change. Luminous Hamilton, that's for me been taking that moment for yourself each day, being kind to yourself, because I think for a long time I wasn't kind to myself. And many, many more. If you're attached to knowing, you don't have a capacity to learn. On this podcast, you get to hear the raw real-life stories behind their journeys,

and the tools they used, the books they read, and the people that made a difference in their lives so that they can make a difference in hours. Listen to on purpose with Jay Shetty on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. Join the journey soon. Strategy 2 has to deal with noticing how you connect with other people, including the people who are currently in your life. Are you vulnerable with people? Are you going deep or do your conversations boil down to sharing bitmoges and memes? Are you keeping things on the surface and then wondering why you don't have deep relationships where you feel seen and understood? I had a client a while back who told me, Jay, I feel like all of my friendships are superficial.

I know that's the stereotype of guys that we can't talk about deep thoughts and feelings, but I actually want to connect with my friends in a real way. You always seem to talk about sports, work, and TV shows and the weather, right? When I asked him if he was being that person with his friends that he wants to be with him, is he sharing his feelings? Is he taking emotional risk with them by being vulnerable? Is he bringing up topics with some depth to them? He realized he wasn't, right? I advised him to pick one or two close friends who he trusts and to try that, to try being vulnerable.

And he was shocked. Once he leaned into those friendships by taking them to a deeper level, they responded as well. And now he feels like those friends really do see him and value him for who he is. The same can be true with family members. Maybe you complain that your brother or aunt never checks him with you, but do you check him with them? Are you showing them the kind of relationship you want to have with them?

The real problem is in lockdown, it's lock up. We feel like the issue is that we can't open up our doors to one another, but the real problem is in lockdown, it's lock up. We feel like the issue is that we can't open up our doors to one another, but the real problem is that we can't open our hearts to one another or sometimes even ourselves. Sometimes that's because we think we need to be someone else. We need to be wealthier, to look different, thinner, more attractive, or to be more successful. But that's just not true. If you want to have deep meaningful relationships, connect with the people from where you are right now. Related to this is something that Dr. Joe Dispenser said

when he was on the show, and if you missed that, it was a great episode, you should check it out. It was episode number 140, 140. So when I was talking to Dr. Joe Dispenser, he said that something we tend to do when we meet people is to sort of bond over hurts. And Carolin May says something similar, that we often become wound buddies with people. We bond in victim space or over things we dislike. As Dr. Dispenser says, it's like, oh, that person hurt you, they hurt me too. But that's a very low vibrational space to bond in.

And it can be challenging to take those relationships that start in this negative or wound space and move them to a healthy, vibrant space. How many of you have experienced that? Maybe you became really close to someone through a tough time. Maybe you were in a class together and you really dislike the teacher or the professor. They were tough. The class was tough and you couldn't seem to get anything right and you and a fellow student became friends

and bonded over your dislike over the professor and the class. But as life went on, you started moving on to bigger and better places and more positive mental states. That friendship kind of felt like you kept pulling you back down. Maybe you always felt bad after talking to that person or they always seem so negative when you were trying to be positive. When we bond in our wounds, it's often difficult to transition those relationships to a healthier space.

So that's strategy number two. Notice what you're putting out there because if you're staying superficial, you may just be getting back where you're giving out. Instead, show people what kind of relationship you would like to have with them. Now, you probably don't want to go all in until someone you're new deeper secrets, that might be a bit too much too fast, but be thoughtful about it. It's like dipping your toe into the water to take its temperature. And notice too, if you're bonding in a negative space because it's probably going to be hard

to transition that relationship to a positive one. Strategy number three for resolving mental and emotional distance and feeling more connected is to hold out. No, no, you're thinking. J.U. just told me to be more vulnerable to give more. And I know, but this goes along with that. Listen, I have a friend who's on the dating scene right now, and she's doing social distancing dating, so no physical contact. And she told me, Jates, the weirdest thing. Now that physical contact is off the table, it's actually a relief, like I'm getting to

know people far better than I was before. It's almost like dating has returned to the 1900s rule, right? Only without the chaperone, obviously. Just for fun, I googled dating in the 1900s, and some hilarious photos came up. People sitting in full suits and big putty dresses on picnic blankets, eating grapes. I mean, sounds like something I also saw on Instagram. In one, a man with the big handlebar moustache is giving a woman a very chased peck on the cheek, and she has sort of a scandalized look on her face. You know, it's kind of the type of dating your parents wish you did,

especially as a teen or or 20 something. So I know for some of you, handle bar moustaches are actually back in style, but what my friend said made me think, wouldn't it be cool if courtship was back in style? And by courtship, I mean, slowing things down, really getting to know each other before jumping in with lots of physical contact. I think that might actually be one of the gifts of this time that if we're following regulations

anyway, we're forced to slow things down a bit. When we bring physicality into a relationship quickly, the broader intimacy we have been building can take a backseat to the physical acts and intimacy. And that can actually decrease our chances of a successful relationship in the long term. We can become quickly distracted by the physical and not see all of who a person is. So, looking the bright set of not having immediate physical contact

get to know one another better. It seems old-fashioned, I know, but not everything that's old-fashioned is bad. Intimacy isn't just physical, and it isn't only romantic. For friendships, it's like what I said before. Don't put everything out on the table up front. Enjoy the process of getting to no one another, or for family. Enjoy the process of getting to know new things about one another. Those are three strategies to overcoming mental and emotional distance and loneliness and creating deeper, more meaningful connections. Number one, get to know yourself better. If you don't feel connected to yourself, some part of you will always feel lonely, no matter how many friends you have.

Strategy number two is notice what you're putting out there. Are you being superficial? Or are you willing to go deeper with your friends or a potential partner? Really, really think about that. And number three is to hold out. Slow down when you meet people, really take the time to get to know them, to invest, to develop a meaningful relationship. Otherwise, it might just stay superficial or fizzle out entirely.

Right? As Emma Cappella from Stanford says, the beautiful part about social connection is that it doesn't really matter the number of friends we feel connected to. We can feel meaningful connection in our lives with just one other person or even just ourselves. The feeling is subjective. As Ceppler says in her TED talk, we don't have control over our external environment. We can't always change how many friends we have.

We can't always change how successful we are, how attractive we are. But one thing we do have control over is our internal state. I hope you enjoyed today's podcast. Share the insight, the strategy that helped you the most. The one you're going to try out, tag me on Instagram at Jay Shetty. Please, if you can do this, leave a review on the podcast app. It means the world to me. If you leave a review, tell me what you love about the podcast. I can't wait to be back with you again next week. Thank you for listening. Take care. I'll see you soon. Our 20s are often seen as this golden decade. Our time to be carefree, make mistakes and figure out our lives. But what can psychology teach us about this time?

I'm Jermis Beg, the host of the Psychology of Your 20s. Each week we take a deep dive into a unique aspect of your 20s. Each week, we take a deep dive into a unique aspect of our 20s, from career anxiety, mental health, heartbreak, money, and much more to explore the science behind our experiences. The psychology of your 20s hosted by me, Gemma Speg, listen now on the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your podcasts.

and Apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. I am Miyaan Levan Zant and I'll be your host for The R Spot. Each week listeners will call me live to discuss their relationship issues. Nothing will tear a relationship down faster than two people with no vision. Right. There's y'all are just fl just flopping around like fish out of water? Mommy, daddy, your ex, I'll be talking about those things and so much more. Check out the R-Spot on the iHeart Video app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you listen to podcasts.

Regardless of the progress you've made in life, I believe we could all benefit from wisdom on handling common problems, making life seem more manageable, now more than ever. I'm Eric Zimmer, host of the One You Feed Podcast, where I interview thought-provoking guests who offer practical wisdom that you can use to create the life you want. 25 years ago, I was homeless and addicted to heroin. I've made my way through addiction recovery, learned to navigate my clinical depression, and figured out how to build a fulfilling life. The one you feed has over 30 million downloads

and was named one of the best podcasts by Apple Podcasts. Oprah Magazine named this is one of 22 podcasts to help you live your best life. You always have the chance to begin again and feed the best of yourself. The trap is the person often thinks they'll act once they feel better. It's actually the other way around. I have had over 500 conversations with world-renowned experts and yet I'm still striving to be better. Join me on this journey. Listen to the one you feed on the I Heart Radio app Apple Podcast or wherever you get your podcasts.

you get your podcasts.