On Purpose with Jay Shetty - 2 Ways Your 'Icks' Are Ruining Your Dating Life & #1 Way to Date Better with Jared Freid and Jordana Abraham

Episode Date: February 23, 2024

How do your 'icks' affect your dating life? And what's the ultimate key to better dating? Today, Jay is sharing the conversation he had with Jared Freid and Jordana Abraham where he was being interviewed in their podcast, U Up?. The U Up? is a definitive modern dating podcast where they discuss their take on the ebbs and flows of the crazy dating world we live in. Jay talks about a wide array of topics including the challenges of booking guests for new podcasts, the importance of preparing for important interviews, and his  unique approach to every show, offering listeners a diverse and enriching experience with each episode. The conversation takes on a serious note when Jay talks about his take expressing anger, dealing with insecurities, and navigating the complexities of modern dating. Gain valuable insights into mindfulness practices and learn how to focus on the wins while amplifying the abundance of life. In this interview, you'll learn: How to deal with insecurities How to become a better partner How to change your mindset about dating Truth be told, dating remains one of the challenging hurdles we go through in life but it is also one of the most rewarding when we find the right person to spend our life with.   With Love and Gratitude, Jay Shetty What We Discuss: 00:00 Intro 02:43 Calming Positive Influence to Others 03:29 The Competitive Aspect of Drinking Games 05:26 The Difficulty of Booking Guests for New Podcasts 07:05 Preparing for Important Guests 08:54 Every Show Has a Unique Offering 11:27 How Do You Express Anger and Hate? 13:57 Did You Ever Felt Wrongfully Targeted? 16:41 Did You Ever Block Anyone? 19:58 What are the Biggest Mistakes About Dating Today? 25:44 What’s Your Go-To First Date Activity? 27:16 Working in the Same Industry with Your Partner  28:52 How Practicing Mindfulness Changes Your Mindset 31:07 How Do You Deal with Insecurities? 36:18 Focus on the Wins and Amplify the Abundance of Life 38:26 Two Things I Look Forward To 39:29 What’s Your Travel Pet Peeve? See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hey, I'm Wilmer Valderrama, executive producer of the new podcast, De Maia Bolita First. Each week, the incredible Vico Ortiz and fabulous Abuelita Liliana Montenegro will play matchmaker for a group of hopeful romantics. Right Vico? You know it! Listen to De Maia Bolita First, Thursdays on the iHeartRadio App, Apple Podcast or wherever you get your podcasts. And remember, don't do anything I wouldn't do. Just do it better. Pesitos.

The Therapy for Black Girls podcast is your space to explore mental health, personal development, and all of the small decisions we can make to become the best possible versions of ourselves. I'm your host, Dr. Joy Harden-Bratford, a licensed psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia, and I can't wait for you to join the conversation every Wednesday. Listen to the Therapy for Black Girls podcast on the iHeart radio app, Apple podcast, or wherever you get your podcast. Take good care. Mental health is now talked about more than ever, which is awesome.

I mean, I don't have to tell you that it's a primary focus of on purpose, but on a day-to-day Mental health is now talked about more than ever which is awesome. I mean, I don't have to tell you that it's a primary focus of on purpose. But on a day to day basis, many people don't know where to turn or which tools can help. Over the past couple of years, I've been working with calm to make mental wellness accessible and enjoyable. Or as I like to say, fun and easy. Calm has all sorts of content to help you reduce anxiety and stress, build mindful habits, improve sleep and generally feel better in your daily life.

So many bite-size options from the most knowledgeable experts in the world along with renowned meditation teachers. You can also check out my 7 minute daily series to help you live more mindfully each and every day. Right now, listeners of OnPurpose get 40% off a subscription to Calm Premium at calm.com Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose. It's your host Jay Shetty. I'm so excited because today we're gonna do something a little different. I'm gonna share with you a conversation that I recently had where I was being interviewed

that I think you're gonna love. It was with the You Are podcast. And if you're someone who's been struggling with dating, this episode's for you. If you've been struggling with an ick, this episode's for you. And if there's a friend in your life that you know would really appreciate some greater insights on dating and relationships, this episode's for you. And if there's a friend in your life that you know would really appreciate some greater insights on dating and relationships, this episode's for them. I hope you enjoy it. The number one health and wellness podcast. Jay Shetty. Jay Shetty. The one, the only Jay Shetty. We love a special guest. Very special guest. One of our most popular episodes of last year.

Yeah. If not the most, I think. Pete, the beloved. That's how I'm gonna refer to you. The beloved Jay Shetty. Thank you for coming back on the show. Thank you so much for having me back. We had so much fun last time, so I'm looking forward to today. So much fun.

It's great to have you. I, you know, we are in awe of you and your success. I think that that's something we, and you came in the first time, and I don't wanna be the guy, I don't wanna, you know, I'm a cynic on everything. I loved it. Yeah, and I- We got along though.

That's the thing, I go, I like this guy. Surprising him well, yeah. I walked away, but you come at things in ways that I wouldn't come at him. I come at with like, I'm the gremlin hater. Mm-hmm. The troll. I would say like the more like cynical male point of view. Right, and sometimes I hear some of the,

you're such a calming, positive influence that like, you can tell people are just happy to have you in their life. Right, is that what it is you think? They're just happy that like, you're the friend they'd go to when they're hungover and you'd be like, it's gonna be fine. This is gonna wear off.

We're gonna have some bacon egg and cheeses. You'll be good. I mean, talking about that, I remember being the sober friend early on. I was in Spain with some of my friends and everyone was completely hammered apart from me. This is when I'd chosen to stop in drinking alcohol when I was going out.

And all of my friends, I was trying to tell them that some bad stuff was going on and that we should leave this club that we were at. They were like, you're the worst friend ever, we're having the best time, you're ruining it. So I'm actually used to being that friend when everyone else is drunk. You're ruining the party.

I'm ruining the party because I'm trying to protect everyone from themselves. So you don't drink? No, I haven't drunk for years now. Yeah, it's been. How many years? I think it would be 15 years now. Right, it was it not a big part of your life before?

It was a part of my life in the sense of, I love drinking games. I love the competitive aspect of drinking. What game? Being out, ring of fire was something we played a ton of when we were kids. What's Ring of Fire? So in London, I guess everyone starts drinking quite early too. So we started at like 14.

And so the guys would get together, we'd play this game called Ring of Fire, where you have this big picture in the middle that's left in the middle. You all get a glass of beer each as far as I remember this. The picture in the middle is surrounded by cards a glass of beer each. As far as I remember this, the picture in the middle is surrounded by cards, playing cards laid face down. And every card has a different meaning. So when you pick up the card, you have to do a certain action and the last person to do it has to drink.

Or the card tells you that you have to drink first or you have to tell a joke. And if someone doesn't laugh, then you have to drink. Like there's all these- That sounds really fun. It's so good. And then every time you keep drinking more. And my favorite one was there's one way,

like the more fingers you can hold towards someone's glass of beer, the more sips that they have to take and things like that. And so it's a super fun competitive game. And I'm probably explaining it badly and Google probably did a better job. Do you still play the game without drinking? Do you know what I've thought about that?

I've really thought about how we could make that fun. But I think it was partly the fact that you get delirious after six beers. I've never heard someone be like, I was in it for the game. Yeah. Like if that aren't AA. I mean, I could see that.

Flip cup. I mean, you kind of want to participate. Right, I do. I've played Flip Water with many of my pregnant friends. It's almost as fun. That's a good way to put it. I love sports. I love competition.

I love games. Love it. Well, everyone go listen to Jay's podcast on purpose. It's out. The guest list is something that you can't not acknowledge. Who's the guest that you were like, what's, I can't believe this? Oh, that's a great question.

I'm glad we're getting into this as well. I'd love to hear your thoughts as well on who you felt that because it's- Jay Shedding, that's what I thought. That was our, he's coming back, what? Okay. That's such a great term. So I wanna acknowledge that,

when you launch a podcast and you guys know this, when I launched or when I was coming up with the idea, it was so hard to book anyone because people had never heard of it. There was no stats, there was no data. You're trying to get someone to understand that you're going to create this safe space and people don't get it.

And so I remember that day, which was five years ago now, the podcast is five years old, but I want to acknowledge the first guest that made me feel that way was when Kobe Bryant came on in 2019, and that was the first year the podcast had come out. His team had reached out because his team loved what we were doing on the show,

and they wanted Kobe and I to connect and meet. His team reaches out. Explain that to like Joe Ohio, who's sitting in their car in Columbus on their way to me was huge. And to have that in year one, that was a huge honor that year that he decided to do that. So that was pretty amazing.

It's a little bit like Domino's. Like, you know, Kobe did it, he felt safe. Absolutely. You know, then everyone, oh, if Kobe did it. Absolutely. It's a little bit like that. Yeah, so I've got to give him a lot of credit for giving that opportunity for me. Yeah, so I've got to give him a lot of credit for that opportunity.

And since then you've had everyone from like Kendall Jenner to Michelle Obama, which is, you know, you must just be like people you get to see you. I'm pinching myself all the time. I'm feeling really, really nervous walking into those rooms. And while I'm preparing and I'm feeling, you know, every bit of imposter syndrome that you possibly can when you're doing this. So yeah, I feel super grateful every day. And yeah, it's been amazing.

I mean, Kendall was, you spoke about Kendall, I think that was a really important one in our journey of the show. She came on at a time when her episode just brought so many new listeners to our universe. And I always, always thank her for that because it was amazing that people were like, oh, we haven't really heard her speak that much

and not for that long. And, and you know, I think what she shared was so powerful and insightful. Like that clip's gone viral like a million times of her talking about how she thinks about her younger self and she has a picture of herself at the mirror. And some practice that she done with a therapist. And so I think, you know, I'm really grateful

to everyone who trusts me and trusts our space and comes on because it takes a lot for that person. And I want to acknowledge that it's never easy to open your heart and open your mind in that way. And so yeah, each of those people that you've mentioned have made massive shifts. Kevin Hart came on and that was, you know, so much fine again. He had this amazing audiobook, which people don't know Kevin Hart for audiobooks,

but his audiobook is amazing. It's called Monsters and he talks about all the monsters that we deal with inside of our mind. So it's philosophical and comedic and he's obviously reading it. And it's hilarious and, you know, being able to dive into him from the perspective of monsters and the monsters he has inside of him, it was, you know, it's a spectacular conversation. So I think, yeah, all of these guests have made it easy for me. And I'm really grateful. What do you think it is about your show that like these people, again, like Kendall Jenner doesn't do a, these aren't people aren't doing interviews constantly.

Um, what do you think it is about your show that just makes them want to do your show? I think that all podcasts have a really unique offering, right? Like I think people go on a podcast. Like when I came on yours for the first time, it's because from what I'd seen and from what I was hearing from my team, everyone's like, Jay, they're going to get into stuff that no one else is going to ask you, right? This podcast is gonna ask you questions. When you were talking about being cynical, my team had already said that, that there's gonna be a version.

Oh, my team is my, you know, my podcast. He explains it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. My podcast producer, who is a huge fan of the show, and she's like, I think you're gonna get asked questions that you wouldn't get asked anywhere else. And so that's exciting for me because I also don't want to have the same conversation. I want to have different

conversations. That's why I came here. And so I think people coming on purpose because they know that there's going to be a safe space to explore depths of themselves that maybe isn't right on other platforms. And so I'm hoping we've created a space where people can talk about their challenges, their flaws, their imperfections, the stresses of life, the perplexities they've had with childhood trauma, their personal mental health journeys in a way that is relevant, accessible,

and practical for people. I like the perspective. And that's usually where I come to with everything I hear from you. It's like, I like the perspective. And that's usually where I come to with everything I hear from you. It's like, I like the road you took because I'm looking at that and I go, like you're like basically, oh, this show could open a door in my brain

that I don't mind opening but I didn't even know was there before. Exactly. I have that with like, you know, if someone comes up to me and it's like, I have a note for you for a joke. I heard you do. Would you, and it's like, I have a note for you for a joke. I heard you do. Would you, and it's, it could be anybody.

And I'm like, sometimes it's like an old dad who's gonna tell me a Borsch belt joke and I'm gonna have to like, you know, he's gonna like be exhausting. But sometimes someone will say something. I don't even know what it's gonna lead to me thinking or a story that I've never thought of. So I understand that where you're like,

oh, I'm up for the game of, oh, okay, where will this go? But I know it's gonna be safe and a little bit. Totally, and every podcast I think plays to that, right? Like if you wanna show a certain part of your personality, I think there's so many podcasts to do that differently on. And so we're just trying to cater to this side. To that point, I have a question, if that's okay. What do you hate? I think there's so many podcasts to do that differently on and so we're just trying to cater to this side. For sure.

To that point, I have a question. That's okay. What do you hate? Yeah. That's so funny. We wanna know if you've ever had a bad day. Yeah, I wanna hear cynical Jay Shetty. I want miserable, horrible day.

Who do you hate? Who do you hate? What do you hate? When's the last time you- That's not on the list of approved questions. Well, I wanna know, like I want that, Jayshia. And I, cause it's within us all. But was there a moment, is that, when's the last time-

Do you get triggered? Yeah. So I'll give it a background because I'm not trying- And it's not a very monk way to go, I get it. No, so I'll give a bit of background. So anger and hatred have generally not been a part of my psychological approach because I saw a lot of it growing up.

And so I made notes growing up, going, I won't demonstrate anger in that way. I won't express hatred in that way. Where did you see it growing up? Saw it in my own home, saw it in my school, saw it in my extended family. Like I saw it very, very up close in a very extreme form. And I made a pact with myself that anger was not something

that I was going to play with because I saw the ramifications it had with other people. Do you think you can do that with anger? Like there's people out there that I'm sure like, I get angry, I would love to say, you don't get angry and go, I guess I'm never angry anymore. Like, I think it's an anger like a sneeze and it's like a cough.

Yeah, no, I'm not saying getting angry is bad and I'm not saying that we shouldn't get angry and it's not a natural emotion. I think it's an emotion that I kind of negotiated with very early on because I saw what it did at least in the world that I grew up in. I've had bad days, so that, I can relate to that. Thank God.

Let's not express them in a, in probably the way. Let's start. I think, I think if there's anything that does trigger me and does upset me, and which is funny, because what I'm about to say is me breaking my own rule, but it upsets me when we don't give others the benefit of the doubt. So when I see people not giving other people

the benefit of the doubt or giving them space, it triggers me, but the funny thing is that means I'm not giving that person the benefit of the doubt. So when I see people not giving other people the benefit of the doubt or giving them space, it triggers me. But the funny thing is that means I'm not giving that person the benefit of the doubt. So then I go, oh, great. And that's what happens. And so of course I'm a human. I get triggered. I get upset. I have a bad day. I think the biggest thing for me when I'm having a bad day is probably when I feel that someone in my life is being unnecessarily targeted in their own life, dealing with pain, dealing with stress, dealing with pressure, some pain's coming at them that they don't deserve, that I don't understand, and so that kind of stuff.

Do you have an example of a time where someone in your life was getting, you felt wrongfully targeted? Or yourself, I need to say that, do you read things about yourself? Do you see things and you go, and you, and it, because I, listen, we, we sit here. We're all in Romania. Yeah.

And we know, and what we have to do constantly, and again, we have to like, the thing that is, I think it's the worst podcast topic, and we do it all the time, because it's like catnip. It's right there for you to do. It's responding to feedback when 99% of it, like, Jay, I'm sure you get messages,

you've changed my life, and you probably get messages that are like, I've gotten messages that bring you to tears. You go, oh my God, this was me talking about my farts was not supposed to make you feel better about a death in your family. And you get those messages and you probably get 99% of those.

And then you get the one. And you're like, you just wanna like grab them and go again, benefit of the doubt. How did you come to this such hateful space from when my goal was positive? How do you take yourself out of it? And I think don't you feel though, and I will talk about it,

but don't you feel though that over time you've just become, you've recognized that it's part of the job. Like you've accepted that it's part of the job. So like for example, let's take Michelle Obama. We did this interview with Michelle Obama, which was huge moment for me. So grateful, like you said, 99% of the comments are like,

this is interviews incredible and everything. And then at the same time, you have a lot of people going, like, why would you sit down with her because of their political beliefs or like, Jay, you sold out or, you know, why would you do this? And what I found is that, again, me giving that person the benefit of the doubt, that often that remark is based on something historical

far before me. And has pretty much very little to do with me and an expectation of me that I'll never live up to in that I'm always gonna do things, let's get upset someone. And I've kind of come to terms with that. And on the other side, I've found that if you actually look at the comment section of people who've actually watched the video,

the comment section is completely different. Like people have actually watched the interview, listened to the words, yeah, instead of the 30 second clip or whatever it may be, if they've watched the YouTube version, you're seeing like completely transformed people, even people saying, I don't agree with the politics, but this interview helped me with this, this, this. It even annoys me that they have to say that.

Like it annoys me that the person, they always, that person like, well, I usually, it's like, oh, you must be an expert now because you were able to see beyond your own initial thoughts on someone. How could someone like, I would be like, yeah. So yes, I would. Yes.

My my my stars are just like my personal rule is I'm happy for someone to leave any honest opinion of theirs as long as they're still following me. But if someone unfolds me and wants to leave a comment, then I and it's hateful. Then that's a comment that kind of your thing. So I think that's a say back from anyone who doesn't know if you know, I don't take feedback from anyone who doesn't follow. No, if you don't follow. I'll take the feedback, but I feel like if you're saying, Jay, I'm had it with you, I'm unfollowing, and then you've unfollowed,

and you've left other heightful comments, to me, then it's like, well, we're not in the same community and we're in the same space. But if someone's following me, and they want to leave lots of comments that tell me feedback or things they don't like, I will leave it up there because I still consider them a part of our community.

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and use code on purpose to receive 15% off your first order. That's drinkjuni.com and make sure you use the code on purpose. I kind of think of social media as my party. Yes. And if you come in and I block people even if they're following. You block people just because it's Tuesday.

Right. I randomly go through. I like this analogy with the party. I have a similar one with the house. Well, I think of it as like, this is my party. The music's playing. You have walked in. There are people here dancing.

I don't care how many. I don't care. But people are happy to be here. And you came in and go, I hate this music. Let me lead you to the door. We're going to keep the music playing, but you got to leave. You don't want to be here. It's okay.

Goodbye. So I'm okay with someone being at the party and saying, I don't wanna be here. It's okay, goodbye. So I'm okay with someone being at the party and saying I don't like the music, they can stay. But it's the person who goes, all right, I don't like the music, I'm leaving, but then they still wanna have their opinion be heard in the end. They're yelling through the window.

Sounds like my word. Hey! Right. Oh, so yeah. This is a dating podcast. You've written a dating book, Eight Rules of Love, which was great. I read it, amazing.

If you guys haven't read it yet from our last episode, you should check it out now, anywhere books are sold, I assume. But what, so you've done a lot of research on love. You wrote a whole book about it. What do you think, if you look at like the dating landscape now, what do you think is like the biggest issue?

Cause there's a lot of people who are, I feel like very frustrated with it. And I mean issue? Because there's a lot of people who are, I feel like, very frustrated with it. And I mean, from our emails, a lot of women, what do you feel like is the biggest mistake people are making when they're dating? I think the biggest mistake people are making when they're dating right now is that their list of X and 10-offs are so long and so wide and so far ranging

that you may miss out on an incredible human being because they wear jewelry and, you know, and, you know, drink their matcha with a straw, right? Like whatever it is. Like, and I started following this really funny TikTok account called, I think it's called Guy with the List. And what he does, and I don't even know what he looks like, because he actually never, I don't think he's posted himself

or her or them, whoever runs it. And what they do is they'll play all these found clips of people all over the internet saying their biggest ick and turn off, and then he'll add to his list. And his list is at like 600 now with all these ridiculous things. And so, and I know it's a bit tongue-in-cheek and it's a bit funny, but I do think it is that like we get turned off so quickly by things that are not actually important in a relationship. Like I

always ask people like, does this make someone inept at being a good partner or is it just something that you don't like about them? Right? Is it a preference? And I think that that preference versus priority conversation is huge. Well, that's like, you know, I mean, not to go to plug city, but on my Netflix special, the opening bid is about how I'm on the dating apps and you get in front of it. The dating apps offer you a menu at a restaurant and you're looking at it and you're going, well, I'm not that type of person. It's not even allowing you to smell the person,

be around the person. And you say, I'm not gonna date a Darlene. And then if you met a Darlene in a bar that you got along with, you'd probably date a Darlene. I think the ick is a lot of time just excuses to not be vulnerable to say no. It's easier to say no and not do the thing than it is to go into it to, you know, to say no. It's easier to say no and not do the thing than it is to go into it and go, well, I saw,

and then you'd blame yourself once it didn't work out. You go, you should have known. They drink matcha through a straw. You know, like it's easier to do that. You beat yourself up. I think that might be kind of the nature of like, we're the Google generation. This is what we do.

We look up the place before we go. We don't walk somewhere unless we Google map even though we've walked there. Well, it seems like the issue is almost like there's too many options, right? Where you have dating 200 years ago, you're in an arranged marriage probably, you're just set up and that doesn't seem great, right?

But now it's like, if you live in a city like New York City, there's a million people, maybe, that you probably are in the, that you could possibly date. And so you're like, well, I don't, because there's a million people here, and there's an app that shows me people constantly, why would I settle for someone who drinks matcha lattes through a straw

when there's just another great person out there that I could have? And so I think it'd be great to almost go back to that happy medium where maybe you had 10 choices, not none, not one, but not a million maybe. I mean, you're speaking about something in psychology, which is known as the paradox of choice, right? This idea that humans actually make worse choices

the more choices and options that they have. And this is one of the biggest reasons why we are struggling in dating or whether the products that we purchase or whatever it may be. But yeah, I think the key is, and I like what you're saying, this balance of having enough of a pool to decide

but not unlimited. And I guess what I'm getting at is someone drinking much or through a straw doesn't define what kind of partner they are. Whereas we like the joke that it does, right? Maybe that defines them in so many other ways. And so what I'm saying is actually look at what makes doesn't define what kind of partner they are. Whereas we like the joke that it does, right? Maybe that defines them in so many other ways. And so what I'm saying is actually look at what makes

someone a good partner and a credible, compatible companion for life as opposed to- To take the other side of that though. You know, the thing that we find on this podcast, the thing that as me as a single person deals with, when are you okay to be turned off? You know, when do you allow yourself to say, this ick is more of a, ugh, and this ick is funny,

starts in funny, but it came from a place of, this is not someone I'd need to spend my time on. I'm a detective, I'm looking for clues. When you're out there dating, you're looking for clues to, I want to get to know that person so You know the wears jewelry or you know or you know where you know sits? Chris cross applesauce on us on a chair you go. That's generally You know a percent you know I'm playing the percentages now. Yeah, you know, so it is

You know, it's easy for, because I see this with the X stuff online, especially online, you see a lot of men, their feedback to it is like, this is why you're single, and you know, you gotta look through these things, and it's like, well, this person's also allowed to go, I'm playing the numbers game here, of what turns me on and off, and if you do A,

you'll probably do BCD and it won't be a match for me. Right, so I don't know. I mean, if you're playing the odds though, that means you're gonna have to get through a lot of people, right? Right. You need odds to play.

Yeah, exactly. You need numbers. Well, how long have you been with your wife, Tamaimi? We've been together now for, it'll be 11 years this year. 11 years. And married for eight this year. And she's basically like your only relationship, correct? In terms of currently before that.

No, I mean like in terms of like, did you have other relationships before? Oh yeah, I dated. Oh, you did? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I dated a ton before I became a monk and then I was a monk and then since I've left the monastery, my wife's the only person that I've chosen to be.

What's your go-to first date when you were dating? Before? Yeah. Back in the day? I mean, I was dating in my teens, so it's like whatever you could afford, right? Like maybe you were going like ice cream, bowling, cinema. I mean, going to the movies,

going to the movies was probably the most common date. Well, so just a pretty, I mean, you say this on, you know, in your book that, you know, watching a movie together, watching Netflix together. That brought people a little longer. You hate that, right? Hola, mi gente. This is Woman Valderrama, executive producer of the new podcast, Dei My Abuelita First,

part of I Heart Radio's My Cultura Podcast Network. Each week, host Vico Ortiz and abuelita Liliana Montenegro will play matchmaker for a group of hopeful romantics who are putting their trust in Avelita to find them a date. Your job right now is to get on Avelita's really good site! Our Avelita definitely knows best! On date with my Avelita first, three single contestants will buy for a date with one lucky main-dater, except to get their hearts, they have to win over Avelita Liliana first! Die, Liliana!

Yes, we are ready for love. Through speed dating rounds, hilarious games, and Liliana's intuition, one contestant will either be a step closer to getting that pan dulce, if you know what I mean, or a step closer to getting that chancleta. Let's see if Cheesepas will fly or if these singles will be sent back to the dating apps. Listen to date my Abuelita first on the IHAR Radio App, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your podcasts. The Therapy for Black Girls podcast is the destination for all things mental health,

personal development, and all of the small decisions we can make to become the best possible versions of ourselves. Here, we have the conversations that help Black women dig a little deeper into the most impactful relationships in our lives. Those with our parents, our partners, our children, our friends, and most importantly, ourselves. We chat about things like what to do when a friendship ends, how to know when it's time to break up with your therapist, and how to end the cycle of perfectionism.

I'm your host, Dr. Joy Harden Bradford, a licensed psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia. And I can't wait for you to join the conversation every Wednesday. Listen to the Therapy for Black Girls podcast on the iHeart Radio app, Apple podcast, or wherever you get your podcasts. Take good care. Yeah, I was talking about this in an interview, and I think there's different responses to it, some funny, some mad at me. It was this idea of, I was talking about just so many couples recently, and they were just

feeling like they don't feel connected. They don't feel like they're deepening their intimacy. They don't feel like they're deepening their intimacy. They don't feel like their relationship is growing. And I was just saying that, hey, if that's how you feel, then if the number one activity you do is watch a show together, but that show is not leading to an interaction, a connection, a sharing of ideas or thoughts or feelings or whatever it may be, then maybe it's because you're not doing other things together.

And what I was extending out to people was this idea that I found, even in friendships, right, this applies to all relationships, they get deeper and better and more intimate and more connected when you're doing other activities together. So I encouraged obviously experiences, experiments, getting educated together, learning about something together. When you're growing together, you feel like you're moving in the same direction. Even if you're both doing your own entrepreneurial like you're moving in the same direction.

Even if you're both doing your own entrepreneurial venture, but you come back and share your notes, there's so much more we can get from love and relationships that I think we miss out on. And I empathize with it. Do you feel like you and your wife, because you guys are, you're in the same industry. You guys work together, you know?

Yeah, we don't work together like professionally apart. Right. But if you look at your- You guys had a great gap ad together. Oh yes, we did that together. That was a project. Yeah, yeah, we don't work together like professionally. But if you look at your- You guys had a great gap ad together. Oh yes, we did that together. Yeah, we did that together. It came out great. Thank you.

If you look at your social media, like you guys are in the same- Yes, now we are. You're peers, you're like colleagues. Absolutely. So is that helpful the relationship? Do you ever get like, is there jealousy in that? Like how do you work? Because working together is great because you're communicating, is there jealousy in that? Like, how do you work?

Because working together is great because you're communicating, you have something in common, I would imagine. What's the negative part of that? So the number one thing I hear when someone comes up to me is, hey Jay, I love your wife. Right? And people literally come up to me and go,

yeah, you're all right, but your wife is amazing. And I'm like, I know, I know. Like, and that's kind of how our life has gone where I make friends with people because I generally am a bit more extroverted and I'll go make relationships. I'll introduce them to my wife and then I'll never see that friend ever again

and they've become best friends with my wife. So I'm used to that. I think we- Hold on, I'm starting to interrupt, but do you ever have to kind of like, I have, sometimes there's a thing when you put out a lot of stuff into the world. You know, you content, you can't,

people come up to you and they say things to you that feel pointed, like you're okay, but I love your wife. And that does feel, it feels like they're trying to neg you a little bit. I can understand that. I feel like they're trying to humble me. That's what I, absolutely. And I would feel the same way.

But it doesn't get triggered by that though. No triggering. I love it, I love my wife, she is amazing. But is that how you deal with it? Do you go, well, this is a compliment on me because look at me being with this wonderful person that they love, do you have to do that ever? Like, cause I'll have people come up to me and they'll go,

oh man, they were just at my show Yeah, love the charcuterie stuff you do I'm like and now and I get mad at the other stuff I put out right what about what you just what about the thing You just saw that is the exact point of mindfulness training like this is exactly This is why we're having this conversation, it's so alien to people, and it's not because I was born without anger or hatred or any of these things.

The point is that is the point of mindfulness, that when I'm hearing that my circuit board internally is going, I love my wife, I love that someone else loves my wife, this is awesome, right? Look, it's brilliant. And I found that I think if I wasn't secure in who I am and what I'm doing, I think that would trigger me. And I think that's what's

really interesting. I don't know if you saw this movie. I think it was on Netflix this year called Fair Play. A lot of people haven't seen it. I'm good. About finance. Correct. Yeah. So it's based on a couple. It's a movie. This couple are madly in love. He's just proposed. They're about to get married, but they both get put up for the same promotion at work. And so now they, yeah, at a head front. So they're now competing in an ultra competitive environment for the same job.

I'm not gonna tell you anymore if you haven't seen it. So I'm laying it up so that you watch the movie, but the movie does a great job of showing like gender roles, people feeling emasculated, like the challenges that come in the bedroom because of the intimacy, you know, everything else that goes on. And so I recommend watching the movie.

But I think a lot of that comes from us feeling irrelevant, insignificant or unfocused on who we are. And I think when you feel a sense of calm and confidence about what you offer and what you don't. So I do agree that if I didn't know what I was doing for work and I didn't know who I was, then I think that kind of stuff would really trigger me. And so I've constantly tried to work on who I am

and who I wanna be. Right. I think all triggers, like you said, are kind of come from a place of insecurity. But I mean, I feel like there's a sense of being secure in who you are, but there's certain, I mean, everyone has some insecurity. Do you have but there's certain, I mean, everyone has some insecure, do you have any insecurities?

Yeah, I mean, yeah, absolutely. I mean, to be totally vulnerable, I think I get insecure, okay, there's a few things I'll dive straight into it. One of it is, I think that sometimes when I meet people, again, this is the 1% not the 99. Right. We have to say that.

We have to say that. It is so important to say. So everyone knows that people mostly love us. Right. Yeah, exactly, yeah. But like sometimes I'm insecure that when I'm around someone that they're wanting me to say something wise all the time. So I have an insecurity of like,

God, if I don't say something profound and wise, and in the past, I would really overthink that. I'm sure you have this for being funny. Yeah, no, it's the worst thing. Like you have to be funny. or found and wise. And in the past, I would really overthink that. I'm sure you have this for being funny. Yeah, no, it's the worst thing. Like you have to be funny. So if I'm not wise in a room and you're not funny in a room,

then we've lost the room, right? Like that feeling. So I used to carry this around years ago. It hasn't turned around now because I used to, someone, yeah, I haven't been very funny yet. I just go, well, good luck. And then I move on from the person. I go, we are not.

Do you, do you, now do you change? So I had that, I used to carry that around really heavily. And I used to feel so much pressure. And I would feel stressed. And then I found I wasn't even present. And then I found I'm not even listening because now I'm trying to say the right thing. And I let go of that.

And now I just act like myself. So if I'm tired, because now I'm trying to say the right thing and I let go of that and now I just act like myself. So if I'm tired, I'll be tired. If I'm exhausted, I'll be exhausted. If I'm buzzing, I'll be buzzing. If I'm trying to be funny, if I'm being an adventurous, I'm just gonna be because I'm just so much more comfortable with my own skin now.

I'll say it. For someone to like, if you're like, hey, what are you doing? You're like, well, I do mindfulness. I like to, you know, I was a monk and they go, well, I haven't had my life changed yet. For someone to react like that, it's such a piece of garbage.

But sometimes people are looking for it too, right? And I think, so that's one thing. And then I also get insecurity. So I've definitely had that and I carried that for a long time. I think that sometimes you have an insecurity of people feeling like you think you're important. So it's kind of like you walk in a room and people assume that you think you're important

or that you've bought into your own hype. Right. And so now you're trying to kind of make sure prove them wrong. Prove them wrong. Make sure that everyone realizes that no, no, no, we're cool. I'm humble. Right. Yeah, we're all on the same page that we're cool. You're so lucky you're not single because Because this is what women do to you. And I'm saying women do this to you. Just, this is, I'm just saying, I know this. Please tell me. As a single guy.

I think men do that too. Of course. I used to get, you know, when I was single, are you funny? And I'd be like, well, it depends who you ask. Right, right, right, right. You tell me. But that's a great answer,

because you're not trying to appea, and that's what I find, you're not trying to appease the person, and you're also not being rude. And it's just an honest answer, and you're just being real. Like that's a very normal response. That answer, well, always, I think disarm,

disarm the conversation. It's a great answer, and you're right. It is no matter the gender. If you're single, this is what you deal with as a single, because you're dealing with variables. You have people that are coming in and trying to make a move on you, or be flirty, or be funny,

and show who they are right away, so it turns into, oh, you're not that great. And it's like, that's not a, you didn't have to say that, you didn't have to say I was great. I'm just here to meet you, you know? And that's the thing with dating, I think that you do the best

when you're looking for the positive, as opposed to when you're trying, you're trying to almost, you come in defensive,, you come in defensive or you come in trying to make the person feel like you're good enough for them. And that's why people do things like that. Well, I think so often in the dating scene,

we're trying so hard to make someone like us without even knowing whether we like them. Right, so we go into him like, like me, like me, like me, like me. And then they like us and we're like, wait a minute, do I even know who this person is? Right, and you can't know that when you're 22. Like that's just the thing, like that is aging too.

Like so much of this isn't genius. It's growing up and going and being self-reflective. Like it takes time because I know exactly, you know, when I was 25 starting comedy, I remember this guy sat next to me in a bar. Oh, you're, and I said, I'm a comedian. It was like the first because I know exactly, you know, when I was 25 starting comedy, I remember this guy sat next to me in a bar, oh, and I said, I'm a comedian. It was like the first time I ever said, he's like, tell me a joke.

And I'm like, oh, I'm, I take like no cards. And I'm like, is this one? He's like, well, you're gonna have to work on that. I'm like, I guess you got me. Like, I don't know. I know that feeling, but 38 would never do that. Yeah, it's that feeling of people trying to get you. I carry that insecurity.

I feel like sometimes I'm in a room and I'm like, all right, someone's just trying to get me. And that's an uncomfortable anxiety and nervousness to carry around. And I was speaking to, you know, people who are far more, you know, successful and everything else than I am. And they were saying to me, like just the amount of anxiety they carry

because every word they say is going to be analyzed, over analyzed, printed, scripted, put out there for the world, you know. And so you start, and that's for people, I'm talking about people who are, you know, who every word that they say is the front page. Oh, politicians. Yeah, and so.

Kendall Jenner. Yeah, and so. Kendall Jenner says one thing off script that's written down. Yeah. She's apologizing it for a month. Totally. People don't forget. Like you look at Kim, people never work anymore.

Yeah. So you carry a little, you start carrying a tiny bit of that, you know, you start worrying. And one of the things I was thinking about that you raised, which isn't about dating, but maybe it comes into that was, you know, there was a time when things were really starting to take off. And I've generally been someone who despite challenges, despite things that are going wrong,

I've always tried to focus on the wins and amplify the greatness and the goodness because I believe that attracts more abundance. And so I've generally been that way and I've always been like that. What do you mean? In the sense of like, for example- If you have a win, you're like celebrate the win.

For example, I mean is, you know, is it hard doing what we all do? Of course it is, it's challenging. But I look at the things I'm grateful for far more than I'll focus on the things that are challenging because I think that's a healthier way to live or it's a way I like to live. And at one point I realized when I was doing that,

I saw that a few of the people I was hanging around with, I could tell that me sharing the growth that I was having was rubbing them the wrong way. And so whenever I was with them, I would now try and be more negative to be more relatable. And it was an insecurity that I had because I was like, well, I need them to feel comfortable around me. So I'm gonna start saying things that are going wrong

so that they do realize my life is hard and bad and all the rest of it. And I started really just getting into my own negativity cycle because now I'd opened a door that I didn't use to open before. Well, I think a lot of single people can relate to that. It's like you get a dating win.

You go back to your other single friends and they're not as happy about it as you are. It's like sort of a silent race. It feels like a moment. And it's so hard because you love that person, you don't wanna agitate someone, you don't wanna trigger someone. At the same time, you wanna share this thing

that you're going through and you're experiencing, not in an egotistic way, but in a sharing of the heart way. And I think it's tough. So anyway, yeah, I'm laying out all my insecurities to you. No, this is exclusive. This is right here. No, I have tons, I have tons. It's exclusive right here. No, I've had tons, I've had tons. It's hard, I would assume,

because people come to you for answers. Yeah. And you give them answers that are very concrete and said very well, and something that they can kind of go repeat to themselves in those times of their own insecurities. Are the things that you, where do you look to? What's your, do you have a person that you look,

what podcast are you listening to? I like what do you want? I definitely feel like I grew up on a lot of O-Pro, which is huge and very inspiring, so big fan. But I think for me, there's two things I look to. One thing is I just love studying humans. Like I love observing people, people online, people's lives. I read a ton of biographies, I watch biopics.

I love, like if you watch the David Beckham documentary that just came out on Netflix. I haven't seen it, everyone loves it. Highly recommend it. And it's like I grew up following him and so I knew everything that was in the documentary but it was just this feeling of like I love studying a human's journey and how, you know, at one point he was completely villain was in the documentary, but it was just this feeling of like, I love studying a human's journey and how,

you know, at one point he was completely villainized in the country and people hated him because he got sent off in a massive World Cup game all the way through to, he's one of the most adored icons of all time. And so you get to see that. So I feel a lot of my learning comes from studying, researching and watching patterns

and people and human behavior. That's kind of what I get a buzz off of. When you're watching people, who on the plane do you hate the most? Who on the plane? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do I hate the most? You travel, he drives a lot.

I travel a lot, you do too. And I know you, yeah, you're all over. What is your biggest traveling pet peeve? Okay, so I'm, travel time is my sacred time to be alone and not engage. I believe in that. It is my sacred time to be alone and not engage. I believe in that. It is a great time to- Switch off.

Cry, to switch off and to like really say, I'll eat and drink anything I want. It's game over. I'm with you. Cause you said like there's a lot of pressure to feel like humble. There's a lot of pressure to feel I'm sure to like be the most zen friendly.

No, I'm just looking over while I'm- Do you ever have to be like someone like, this is actually my say good time. No, no, no, it's more like while I'm catching up and selling sunset and the person next to me going, does Jay Shetty watch selling sunset? You know, it's that kind of feeling of like, oh God, I'm gonna get judged for what I'm watching now.

You know, it's like, it's that kind of feeling of like, please don't judge me. So, yeah. Well, this is so great. We're happy you're a FOSS friend of the show. Oh, FOSS. FOSS, yeah, FOSS. FOSS, yeah.

FOSS, FOSS. That sounds better. FOSS are, I always have a friend of the pod, FOTP. FOTP. Something like that. Keeps getting worse. Yeah. We write to edit.

Yeah, no, listen, I do, I will say, being in the room with you, you do have this filling energy to you. Do people say that to you a lot? I don't know. It's like a star power. It's a star, yeah, star power. Breath of fresh air.

I love it. Everyone go listen to Jay's podcast. Go follow Jay if you don't already. Read the book. Read the book. It's all there. He's fantastic. I'm Jared Freed.

We're here every Wednesday and Sunday with solving your dating needs. We did it again. We did it again. We'll be back on Wednesday. Bye. If you love this episode, you will also love my interview with Kendall Jenner

on setting boundaries to increase happiness and healing your inner child. You could be reading something that someone is saying about you and being like, that is so unfair because that's not who I am. And that really gets to me sometimes. But then looking at myself in the mirror

and being like, but I know who I am. Why does anything else matter? Dressing, the last thing. Oh, French dressing. Exactly. Ha ha ha. Oh, that's good. I'm AJ Jacobs and my current obsession is puzzles.

And that has given birth to my new podcast, The Puzzler. Something about Mary Poppins? Exactly. This is fun. You can get your daily puzzle nuggets delivered straight to your ears. Listen to The Puzzler every day on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts,

or wherever you get your podcasts. Hi, I'm Laura VanderKam. I'm a mother of five, an author, journalist and speaker. And I'm Sarah Hart Unger, a mother of three, practicing physician, writer and course creator. We are two working parents who love our careers and our families. On the best of both worlds podcast each week, we share stories of how real women manage work, family and time for fun. careers, and our families.