On Purpose with Jay Shetty - 3 Effective Ways to Disconnect from Social Media & How to Optimize Your Morning Routine

Episode Date: June 2, 2023

Today, I will be sharing with you the conversation I had with Ashley Graham on her Pretty Big Deal show. We talked about how we go about detoxifying from social media, the different love languages relationships can thrive from, why self care is top priority and how it can affect how you show up to others, and how one act of kindness can become infectious if recognized and encouraged. You can order my new book 8 RULES OF LOVE at 8rulesoflove.com or at a retail store near you. You can also get the chance to see me live on my first ever world tour. This is a 90 minute interactive show where I will take you on a journey of finding, keeping and even letting go of love. Head to jayshettytour.com and find out if I'll be in a city near you. Thank you so much for all your support - I hope to see you soon. What We Discuss: 00:00 Intro 01:25 It started with rebellious teenage years and ended with a purposeful journey 07:56 What’s the difference between a calling and a desire? 10:43 What is faith to you and how do you practice it daily? 12:42 With a message to share, how can you find the right platform to reach more people? 16:34 The biggest rules you can set around social media use 20:48 Who is your rock and how do they help you? 21:40 Is anyone truly a love expert? 25:05 What is your love language? 28:58 This is the real secret that makes relationships more compatible and secure 30:59 How do you deal with heartbreak? 33:04 You only learn new things about yourself when you do new things with yourself 35:08 What happens when you say thank you to someone who’s kind to you? 39:07 Should you take care of your self first? 40:56 Fatigue and hard work doesn’t always mean success 42:06 Three practices of self care you can learn and practice today 50:54 Peace isn’t always attainable, but there are things we can do daily the brings us peace 54:55 Jay shares what his pretty big deal relationship Want to be a Jay Shetty Certified Life Coach? Get the Digital Guide and Workbook from Jay Shetty https://jayshettypurpose.com/fb-getting-started-as-a-life-coach-podcast/See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

I'm Jay Shetty and on my podcast on purpose, I've had the honor to sit down with some of the most incredible hearts and minds on the planet. Oprah, Kobe Bryant, Kevin Hart, Louis Hamilton, and many, many more. On this podcast, you get to hear the raw real-life stories behind their journeys and the tools they used, the books they read, and the people that made a difference in their lives so that they can make a difference in hours. Listen to on purpose with Jay Shetty on the I Heart Radio app Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. Join the journey soon. I'm Munga Shatekler and it turns out astrology is way more widespread than any of us want to believe.

You can find it in major league baseball, international banks, K-pop groups, even the White House. But just when I thought I had a handle on this subject, something completely unbelievable happened to me and my whole view on astrology changed. Whether you're a skeptic or a believer, give me a few minutes because I think your ideas are about to change too. Listen to Skyline Drive on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hi, I'm Brendan Francis, new num.

I'm a journalist, a wanderer, and a bit of a bon vivant, but mostly a human just trying to figure out what it's all about. And not lost is my new podcast about all those things. It's a travel show where each week I go with a friend to a new place and to really understand it, try to get invited to a local's house for dinner where kind of trying to get invited to a dinner party.

It doesn't always work out. Ooh, I have to get back to you. Listen to not lost on the iHeart radio app or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey everyone, I'm so excited because we're going to be adding a really special offering onto the back of my solo episodes on Fridays. The Daily J is a daily series on calm and it's meant to inspire you while outlining tools and techniques to live a more mindful, stress-free life. We dive into a range of topics and the best part is, each episode is only

seven minutes long, so you can incorporate it into your schedule no matter how busy you are. As a dedicated part of the on-purpose community, I wanted to do something special for you this year, so I'll be playing a hand-picked daily J during each of my Friday podcasts. This week we're talking about your habits, and how to develop better daily routines. Of course, if you want to listen to the daily J every day, you can subscribe to Calm. So go to Calm.com forward slash Jay for 40% of your membership today. It made it happen. I know. You're in LA. I was a guest on the Jay Shari podcast. You're an amazing guest. I love you.

Oh, it was so much fun. The short video we made that we put on Facebook and Instagram. Oh, we got it. That went so much like people loved your episode. Like, absolutely loved it. It was amazing. It was amazing. Well, they're going to love this episode.

I'm pretty big deal. I'm very grateful to be there. Thank you. I'm so grateful that you're here. Last time we saw each other, I was like getting down to Bruno Mars in High Heels. It was impressive. Okay, so we have to just like start from the beginning. Okay.

Not childhood, but like where Jay Shetty was kind of born into who he is today, that was going in a monastery. Yeah, absolutely. So we'll start from there. Yeah, let's start from there. I'll give you a bit of a prequel just because it's important. Okay. So I spent my teens being in absolute rebel and I was always experimenting with everything

under the sun, multiple relationships, dabbled in drugs a little bit, nothing for the form of addiction or wanting anything else apart from really seeking a thrill. Right. Like I was looking for a thrill, I was looking for meaning, I was looking for passion and purpose, but for me at that time I didn't know what that was called. And it kind of came out in all these rebellious ways. And I think that also came from coming from a family where it was very much like live by the rule. You know, you can be a doctor, a lawyer, or a failure. Like you've got these three options. And then I was trying to rebel and question that. The most important thing was that

I spent a lot of my teens starting at the later end of my teens really wanting to learn. Right. And really wanting to hear from people who went from ragged riches. And it just hit you? It was one of those things. Do you like, I have more purpose? No, it was, it was a mixture of a few things. Okay. My dad was trying to get me to read. Now, I'd never read a book into us 14. And to my dad said I give me autobiographies and biographies. And those were the books I started to reading. So I read like, and to my dad said, I give me autobiographies and biographies. And those were the books I started to reading. So I read like David Beckham's autobiography,

and I read The Rock's autobiography. I was massively into soccer, and massively into wrestling. So both of those were huge for me. You said soccer and not football. I did. I wanted to call it real football. Right, you can.

I went to a.fc last night. So I'm trying to, yeah. But it was that feeling of, my father was trying to help me grow and think and be more thoughtful and introduce me to wisdom. And at the same time, I was just going to experience is what I lost a couple of friends.

You know, one of my friends died in a car accident. And one of my friends died through gang violence. And like both of those scenarios, like made me start to question like, what do you mean? They were good people, right? They were like, beautiful, loving, kind, sweet people, but they just went in a moment. And that really got me that year.

Like I was around 16 years old, and that happened. Wow. And that really hit me. And I was just like, what is the meaning of life? Like, where am I going? Like, am I using my time wisely? Have you never saw that coming? And I think when you lose someone that's close to you,

whoever that may be, I think it makes you question what you do with your own time. Right. And that's what happened to you. And that's what happened to me. And that's what kind of started that journey. A couple of years later, I was invited to an event by my friend. And so this monk was invited to speak.

And I didn't even want to go. And I literally said to my friend, I said, I'll only go if we go to a bar afterwards. Like, that's the only way I'm coming out. The reason I'm staring all this is, I want people to realize how opposite this was of me. Right. Because it's not like I grew up as a spiritual kid

or a religious kid or a kid that was totally the opposite. And then I go to this event because my friend said, yes, we'll go to the bar afterwards. And I'm completely flawed and speechless because everything this monk is saying is completely cutting through to my heart. And he's talking about like selflessness and he's talking about service and he's talking about living a life that is worth of sacrifice for other people. And I'm thinking, why is this appealing to this 18-year-old guy? But it is like all of it's appealing to me. I end up spending time with them afterwards, you know, like you network.

So I went to network for the monk and I first, yeah, exactly. Can I get your drink? And then, and I got up to him and I say, you know, everything you just said, like really connected with me. It really felt powerful to me. And I said, I'd love to experience more of this. And he said, well, why don't you come and join me this week? I'm traveling in London in England.

So why don't you just come and hear me this week, speak, and get to know me better. And I did. And then that led to me actually going to live with him in India. So I spent all of my summer holidays, we didn't have vacation, summer holidays, from 18 to 22 while I was at university.

Every break I got, half of it I spent interning financial companies in London Okay, and so I'd be in bars, steak houses and suits and then I'd spend the other half of my summers living as a monk in India Rowsing in robes, meditating, sleeping on the floor, and then when I graduated I decided to do it for real So I had all those Correct, yeah, three years. Yeah, that's right. What were you doing in the monastery exactly? So we would wake up at 4 a.m. every day and half of our day was dedicated to self or silence and the other half was service. Self or silence? Yeah. So you'd spend

half the day working on yourself. So that means self study, self meditation, silence, group meditations, prayer, the type of things you expect monks to do. Right. And that's like half of your day. Okay. But then the other half is totally about service. So we would be building schools. We'd be feeding homeless children. We'd be trying to develop sustainable villages and food distribution programs that were helping

and serving tons of people in India. And so I chose this part because it was this perfect balance between self and service. And the way it was taught to us is that everything you do in the part of the self day, you then go and give it away in the service and you learn more and then you come back and do more self-realization and then service. It's like a cycle. Yeah, exactly. Three years in, I had pushed my body to extreme limits.

Like fasting. Fasting. And I'd sleep very little because I wanted to see the power of meditation. I had this side of me that wanted to make what I was learning even more relevant, even more accessible, even more practical. And this is all in hindsight. I didn't know this thing. And my teacher said to me that he felt it would be better if I left so I could share what I'd learned. Wow. So he wasn't kicking you out. Well, it felt like that. Because at that time, I didn't have this hindsight of, oh yeah, maybe I was in the wrong place or maybe I'd done my time.

At that time, I was like, I want to do this and I'm pushing. And literally, he comes out and he's just like, you know, it's not you. It's me. It's like, it feels like one of these awkward break-up conversations. And I'm thinking, I just gave up everything. Like, I broke up with my girlfriend. I left, you know, all my jobs. I turned down my jobs, I left my family, I gave up everything to do this. But then it was like this revelation both internally and from him. I was like, maybe this isn't right for me for life. And that probably is one of the hardest things to ever have to go through. If you've made a plan and a vision in your mind of how you want your life to look like, and then it feels like it's just been taken away and mine was to be a monk, which sounds like the weirdest thing. But if someone takes that away from you, it hurts.

Well, that's an interesting statement because it's like, you felt a calling to be a monk. But then your teacher said, oh, no, I think that there's been a different calling for you. What's the difference for you between a calling and a desire? Because it sounds like you've had both. Oh, I like that. Yeah, that's a great question. That's a great question. A desire is something that you push and a calling is something that pulls you, right? That's the difference.

And you're right. I think you're spot on. I think it was both. I don't think I was naturally meant to be a monk. I was someone who was trying to rediscover myself and work through so much of my teenage years. It was for a moment. For me, it was a transformation. It was like going to school. But at the same time, it turned into a calling because I got so fascinated by serving and I got so fascinated by wanting to make an impact.

I got so fascinated by wanting my life to mean more than just being successful or just being material. Right. And I think that's what I got introduced to. My belief is that like you have to do the work in order to get to where you are or where you wanna be. And there's so much like empty prayer or empty meditation that goes into so much of people's desires

or wants or callings. And I think that sometimes we just have to either be still and wait for that moment to pull us or be proactive in what it is that you truly wanna do because you were being proactive in going and talking to that monk. You were being proactive in spending your summers with him. But then it was a pulling that took you

to actually go live in the monastery. So it's like, it does take both to get to where you wanna be. I could agree with you more. I did a podcast a few months ago and it's called The Myths of Manifesting. And I think that's really one of the myths that we have that we just believe that just thinking and just willing and just meditating or just praying

and suddenly someone's gonna sprinkle some fairy dust and proof, yeah, like the genie's gonna turn up and you know, you now are that person. I think the challenge is that we have to get the balance right and it can't be about the result. I think wanting and desire is always about the result. A calling is about the process. Calling is something you're excited to wake up and do every day. When you have a desire, it's just like, oh yeah, I want to be on the top of that list or I want to be at the top of that.

Yeah, because we have desires in our careers. 100%. But we also have a calling to be where we are today. It's the balance. It's both together. Right? You want to do the prayer and the meditation and the manifest things, but then you want to go and follow that up and do the work and go do the meetings and the strategy. You have to embrace polarities. And what I mean by that is, people are like, do I need to be sincere or what I mean by that is, people are like, do I need to be sincere or do I need to be strategic? I'm like, you need to be both.

Sincereity and strategy together is a lethal combination. Whereas if you're just sincere, then you're not practical. And if you're just strategic, then you're not intentional. And you don't want to be lost by either of those. You want to have both. There you go. Faith is important to you and you talk about it a lot, but I want to know what faith is for you,

because for me, faith is very important. Faith is something that grounds me. It's the center of who I am. It's my calling, it's my desire. It's all of those things, but what is faith to you? Faith to me, like the two polarities, is the day-to-day practices and the map. So it's the thing that's guiding every decision. It's the thing that's guiding every direction the two polarities is the day-to-day practices and the map.

So it's the thing that's guiding every decision. It's the thing that's guiding every direction that I move in. It's the thing that guides what I want to be friends with, who I want to connect with, the type of work I want to do. But then it's also what I do daily. And to me, that's what's so beautiful about faith that it can be practical and simple, but then it can be philosophical and spiritual.

And so to me, faith is both because if I'm not practicing on a daily basis, how can it last? Right. And if it's not the governing thing behind all my decisions, then how is it true? Like how is it real? But how is it your moral compass also? Exactly. Yeah.

So for me, it's both of those things at all times. And so it's everything I do in the morning, so my meditation practices, my prayer, the way I communicate, how I speak to my wife. Like I think all of those things, how I speak to anyone. I think all of those things in my faith. And at the same time, it's like, do I, am I doing this out of love?

Am I doing this out of service? Am I taking this decision just because it pays the bills and just because it makes money? Am I doing this just because I think it will be cool? It's the same as, it's so funny you asked me this question because I was speaking to someone about you just before coming to the show today. Yes. I was saying one of the things I love about Ashley and why I think we get along so well and we find it so easy to connect is because we both have such deep faith. Yes. And I said, I always find it easier when you meet someone who has their faith and it may be different, but they're open.

And then you just connect. And that's how I feel with you that when we first started talking a meeting, I felt it straight away. The people who are really rooted in their faith and that comes before anything else, I always connect. Yeah. It's a big deal. Yeah, my wife felt out with you too. Even though we were dancing to Bruno Mars.

I know. We were like, yeah! It was so fun. It was. I know, we were like, yeah, it was so fun. So then you left the monastery and you met Ariana Huffington. I mean, she kind of gave you a platform. Well, yeah, it wasn't that quick. So I left and went back to London. There was some work they put in.

Yeah, exactly. Moved him back with my parents, and I had my big debt to pay off. So I had my university debt, which is nowhere near as bad as US debt. Oh, it's for dickhead. It's so bad here. I can't believe it. So I had $25,000. So I come back and I was trying to figure out what to do. And then fast forward three years I started making videos after I came back. So the videos were far after. But I'd been speaking about these things,

studying, teaching, sharing, since I was 18, since I was introduced to it. But then I really felt this, I was talking to companies, I was talking inside events, a corporations, and I was working one to one and coaching lots of people. And that will naturally evolve. But I was thinking, how does this reach every person in the world? Like, how do we get these message to reach everyone at no cost for absolutely free to make it really accessible? And I thought, video, I don't know if this is true or whether it's mean, but I remember seeing something that said, more people in the world own a smartphone than a truth brush. And I thought, two things.

I thought, I need to make stuff that people can watch on smartphones. And I thought, we need to figure out how everyone can get two freshers. So that's a crazy stuff. Yeah, it's crazy. I remember seeing it. So I don't know if it's true or not, we can check it out. And that triggered a thought in me. I was just like, wow, that means there's kids out there

who have smart phones, they don't have two questions, which means they can access wisdom and insight and all of this stuff that I've been learning. So how do we share with them? So I started making these videos. And before that, I went and pitched my video idea to around 40 media companies in London, and they all rejected me.

What? And this was before I made a video. I pitched a my idea for a mindfulness-based video series. So they were like, Jay, you have no communication experience, you have no video experience, you have no hosting experience. I had no official training in this space. And so they were like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

but they were right. Because I hadn't yet demonstrated that I could do what I was asking them to invest in. Wow. And so then I started making my videos and my global HR leader at Accenture because I was working at Accenture at the time, a big corporate company.

She showed Ariana Huffington my videos at Davos and the next thing that happened is I got a call from Ariana Huffington's team and they were just like, we love your videos, we wanna meet you in London. I met them and I said, look, I'd love to see what we can do with this. I then sent email every day for 30 days,

saying, Danny, we met in London. You promised me that you loved my videos and I ran a love and we've gotta do something with them. Then I'm just gonna sit around and get out to people and help people. That's dedication. And I wasn't charging anything. Like I made no money from this whatsoever.

It was me wanting to share a message and hoping that that message would resonate with people. A month later, Danny replies to me and says, yes, fine, we do want to get these videos out. And now in hindsight, I realize it's because they were going off and trying to build thrive. So they were busy with that move at the same time as trying to do this. And so Danny makes this happen. I speak to Ariana on the phone. She's like, Jay, we really love your content. We are going to share it. We want to make this happen. And then they share these videos. And we shared four videos.

And those four videos collectively did tens of millions of views. The first video did a million in a week. The second video did a million in 24 hours and did like 30 million overall. And they were putting all of this on the half-post site. Right. And this was mid 2016. So it was three and a half years ago.

And literally, it was amazing just that overnight, the overnight, or because of social media. And like I always said, I didn't get paid a penny for any of those. That wasn't the point. The point was always, can this message reach people? Yeah. And they gave me a platform.

And so I'm so grateful to Ariana and Danny and Kara, who is on the team at the time and Dan, like that whole group of people that I'm still friends with today, that were just so committed to the message and believed in it. I didn't have a platform at that time. I didn't have a brand. I didn't have anything. And they believed in it. So really it's all credit to them. But now you have to use social media, which is like a dark place sometimes. How do you handle it? I just really have had to build up rules around my social media use. Yeah. So my rule is never look at the phone first

thing in the morning. Oh my gosh, I am really trying. This is my biggest one. I think if we did this, we would conquer our lives. I have now not looked at Instagram first thing in the morning. I just look at like the text, the email. Okay, we're good. I that's good. Yeah, that's huge. It is for me second in the morning. I just looked at the text, the email, okay, we're good. That's good. Yeah. That's huge. It is, for me.

That's huge. At one point, I actually used to put my phone and my laptop locked in my car downstairs. Wow. Because that was the only way I could truly convince myself not to look at my phone. And I think we have to go to that extent sometimes or that extremity to really push ourselves out of it.

So I don't look at my phone until I go down to the gym, which is two hours after I'm editing, wake up and everything. So I try and avoid looking at my phone for those first two hours. And I find what that does is it gives you a mind time to warm up. You don't start your mind on someone else's reactive schedule.

When you wake up and you look at that email and you look at that notification, you're now thinking about everything everyone wants you to do. Not what you want to do, right? You're not thinking about who you want to be or what you want to achieve. You're thinking about, oh, Mary wants me to do. Not what you want to do, right? You're not thinking about who you want to be or what you want to achieve. You're thinking about, oh, Mary wants me to get that right. You know, Julie wants me to do that, right?

Like, whatever it is, like you start thinking about everyone else's schedule. And then the third thing that happens is, and I've said this before, but I think it's really powerful when you think about it, and I think about this in the morning, it really stops me. None of us, and I mean literally none of us would let a hundred people walk into our bedroom

first thing in the morning. That's true. Ever. Before doing your hair, before doing it, maybe your makeup getting clothes on, having a shower, you would never do that. But we let a hundred notifications enter our mind. That's literally it's like trying to shake our consciousness

or wake, right? It's like really trying to wake your mind up. You're expecting your mind going from zero to 60 miles per hour in five seconds when you open up Instagram or WhatsApp or emails. And it's so much pressure on our minds. That's really all it is. It's pressure and stress for your mind to have to wake up and warm up way quicker than our bodies do.

So that's been a huge one for me, that rule. Yeah. The other rule I love, which I fail at all the time, but I'm trying, is no technology zones in your home and no technology times. So I believe that the bedroom and the dining table should be technology free because it's more fun to sleep and eat with people. So we shouldn't, we should take them out of those two places in the home.

Everywhere else you can use them. Places in your homes where you can have human connection, human touch, just take it away from those areas. And I think you almost have to imagine when you walk around your home, you almost have to imagine like a red line around the dining table and a red line around the bedroom, like almost like a laser, like imagine if you cross over, it's going to like electrocute you or something. Maybe we should do that for some time, you know, that could stop you. So that's it. Setting up rules around technology for me has been huge, making sure that when I get back in the evening,

you're not using technology past 7pm, 8pm, whatever that rule is for you. And yes, you're going to break it. Of course. And yes, you're not going to be perfect. But the point is, at least if you have the rule, you're working towards something. That's really worked wonders for me.

That's good. At least if it's four out seven days a week. That's good enough for me. I'm Mungisha Tikular, and to be honest, I don't believe in astrology, but from the moment I was born, it's been a part of my life. In India, it's like smoking.

You might not smoke, but you're gonna get secondhand astrology. And lately, I've been wondering if the universe has been trying to tell me to stop running and pay attention, because maybe there is magic in the stars if you're willing to look for it. So I rounded up some friends and we dove in

and let me tell you, it got weird fast. Tantric curses, major league baseball teams, canceled marriages, K-pop. But just what I thought I had to handle on this sweet and curious show about astrology, my whole world can crash down. Situation doesn't look good, there is risk too far. And my whole view on astrology, it changed.

Whether you're a skeptic or a believer, I think your ideas are going to change too. Listen to Skyline Drive and the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, wherever you get your podcasts. I am Yamla and on my podcast, the R-Spot, we're having inspirational, educational, and sometimes difficult and challenging conversations about relationships. They may not have the capacity to give you what you need. And insisting means that you are abusing yourself now. You human! That means that you're crazy as hell, just like the rest of us. When a relationship breaks down, I take copious notes and I want to share them with you Anybody with two eyes and a brain knows that too much Alfredo sauce is just no good for you

But if you're gonna eat it, they're not gonna stop you So he's gonna continue to give you the Alfredo sauce and put it even on your grits if you don't stop him Listen to the art spot on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you listen to podcasts. How's that New Year's resolution coming along? You know, the one you made about paying off your pesky credit card debt and finally starting to save your retirement?

Well, you're not alone if you haven't made progress yet, roughly four in five New Year's resolutions fail within the first month or two. But that doesn't have to be the case for you and your goals. Our podcast, How to Money, can help. That's right, we're two best buds who've been at it for more than five years now, and we want to see you achieve your money goals, and it's our goal to provide the information and encouragement you need to do it. We keep the show fresh by answering list our questions, interviewing experts, and focusing on the relevant financial news that you need to know about.

Our show is Choc Full of the Personal Finance Knowledge that you need with guidance three times a week. And we talk about debt payoff. If, let's say you've had a particularly spend through a holiday season, we also talk about building up your savings, intelligent investing, and growing your income, no matter where you are on your financial journey, how do monies got your back?

Millions of listeners have trusted us to help them achieve their financial goals. Ensure that your resolution turns it to ongoing progress. Listen to how to money on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. You're so good with your words, and you're such a great listener, but who is your rock?

Who's the person that's listening to you and you're able to bounce everything off of? My wife, my wife is definitely my rock. Who's the person that's listening to you and you're able to bounce everything off of? My wife. My wife is definitely my rock. She's amazing. She's more monk than I'll ever be because she naturally has these sage-like qualities. So waking up for her is a piece of cake. My wife is about 5 a.m. everyday in her meditate. 5 a.m. and spiritual qualities. She just has that. So for me, I find my wife's amazing. She's always good at making sure that I'm doing things for the right reason. She's always good at checking me. She's always good at humbling me, grounding me, but in a

good way, not in a critical way, but in a J&O you can be better than this. That's amazing. Yeah, so I really have that with her. You know, you need a cheerleader. Yes. I think it's very important. Yeah. And I think that again very important. Yeah. And I think that, again, on social media, there's like always these ideas of like fairy tale relationships, right, and expectations.

And people aren't talking about what they need. And I know that you have to talk about relationships a lot on your social media. Like people really want to know about relationships. Yes. Is this something that's kind of plaguing people? Yeah. I kind of want to get into it a little. Is this something that's kind of plaguing people? Yeah. I kind of want to get into it a little bit. Yeah, it's good.

It's because I feel like even though you may not be the expert, you kind of have to be an expert because of all of like your followers and all their questions about it. Well, I think this is fun because I know you have a wonderful relationship, too. Yeah. So my thing has never been to be an expert. What I think is it's fun to unpack the journey

when you're on it. Right. I almost think you never get to the end of the journey. So how do you ever become an expert? Because it's almost like if you're an expert and that's like you saying, I've nailed this. No. But you can never,

You can't be an expert. You can't be an expert in something like relationships because your relationship's always evolving. For example, you're having a baby now. Yes. That's going to evolve your relationship. And they said change. I've never been more in level Justin than right now.

I love hearing that. Yes. Like, it's just something about growing life with him is, oh my gosh, it's like makes my heart melt. But then when the baby comes, they all say, everybody says like, and we don't have to sign up for that, everybody. I know. And that's the other thing.

You don't have to listen to what everybody says. I have blocked out so many things that people are like, you know what's gonna happen? It's gonna be like this. And I'm like, does it have to be like that? It doesn't. No. There are certain trends and patterns

that we can be wary of. Of course. And people see that, they're like, okay, when you get married, this happens. When you have kids, this happens. Of course. But I think if you let that define your whole experience, that's the biggest mistake you can make.

And so for me, all I'm trying to share is the journey and the process of figuring it out. That's all I'm trying to share. And when I, she was the first guest on my podcast that I interviewed, and the whole conversation was, here's all the mistakes we made in our first three years of marriage. Like, this is what we got wrong. Oh, wow, you win in.

That's what we talked about, because I wanted people to hear how much stuff we've worked through. Yeah. Because that's the fun of it. Because when you can have fun working through stuff and people are hearing that. They're like, oh, my relationship's not so different now. Right. Because if all I'm seeing is the selfies and the happiness and all that kind of stuff. So for me, that's that's where my expertise is. My expertise is how do I share while I'm going through it and share with you just the experience I have. So I'm not giving advice to couples who have kids.

Like, because I've not been through that. I don't know what that feels like when I go through it, I'll figure it out and I'll share some. So I'm sharing pre-marriage, getting married, the early is marriage, what I'm learning from that person. Which also is a really hard part of the marriage. I think so. It is.

Our first year was quite interesting to see. Go on. I mean, it was just like we waited till we were married to have sex. We hadn't lived together. My career was really kind of just started taking off and he went to grad school. And it was like finding this balance of like who we are

in so many different aspects, but like knowing that divorce is not an option, so it's like we have to focus and work on this. And nobody, they tell you, oh, marriage is work, marriage is work, but nobody can explain it to you because every marriage is so different. So it's good to hear that other people are explaining their first three years of marriage

and the struggles that they've been through. Something we did do on our honeymoon actually was read the five love languages. Have you read that? Love that book. I like to read it. I made videos on that book. Oh, you did? Yeah, I've made like three videos on that book and I think Gary Chapman's a genius.

What are your love languages? I believe your love languages based a lot about how your parents love you. Oh, interesting. So my love, like you want what your parents didn't give you or you still want what they gave you, both depending on how good or bad they're. Correct. So mine was, and this is how I traced it back.

I love my mom. She's amazing. And when my mom was raising me, she sometimes couldn't spend a little time in me because she was working too. Okay. But I knew that on my birthday, she would always get me the gift that I wanted.

Oh. She would always get it no matter what it was. And we didn't grow up with a lot, but she would always get me the gift that I wanted. Oh. She would always get it no matter what it was. And we didn't grow up with a lot, but she would save up, make sure that I had it, and she would find it and she'd get it for me. And it was just me one thing, but it would always be the one thing I most wanted. So like one year was like power ranges or something like that. And I realized that I associated love with gifts. Oh, so was that your number one?

That was my number one love language. And is it giving and getting? Yes. So I love giving people grand gestures. So was that your number one? That was my number one love language. And is it giving and getting? Yes. So I love giving people grand gestures. And I love receiving grand gestures. But my wife, her number one love language is quality time. Oh.

Because her family on their birthdays and stuff would just time spent. Yeah, they wouldn't go out to work that day. Her dad would stay home. They would plan an activity or whatever. Something like that. And so it's spend time together. So when we met, I was like, where's my gift?

Where is it? It's like, do you not love me? And I would be giving out these grand gestures and gifts on her birthday. And she'd be like, I just want to spend time with you. And we, I want you to break mine down. Go on. I'm acts of service.

What does it mean? You're like giving or receiving. I like getting acts of service. Like if you want to love me, acts of service. Well, that's the hardest. Right. That is, yeah. Y'all was amazing. That is the hardest. Me is a talented man. Yeah, that is me.

It's like you back, you know, make the bed. Do the thing that I asked you one time, and it's done. I'm like, oh, that is impressive. Oh, yeah. Active service is one of the hardest ones. Oh, so I'm hard to love. No, you're not. Just kidding. You're just kidding. No, no, so that's me projecting my bias of how scary I am now. That's me going, oh, I got to I'm so glad that I could never do that. I could never devote to that.

But no, that's beautiful. And that's what I mean that you are with a partner who understands that loves that is able to give that. And that's great. Love languages are very important in relationships. And Justin's is time spent and physical touch. Okay. So I just know that like, I know what he needs.

And he knows what I need. And I think that anybody who feels like they're not connecting with their partner should read that book. 100%. I love that book. I recommend it to everyone. And I think the biggest thing we should all notice is, until you read that book and until you figure out

love languages, you are speaking different languages. Right. And so it's like literally speaking to your partner in a language they don't understand. Right. And so you could be doing everything. Like for example, for you, you know, just it could be buying you like the best gifts

in the world and taking on fancy holidays and all this kind of stuff, but he's not doing access to service and you're gonna be like, well, now what? Doesn't he love me? Yeah, exactly. Any does. Yes.

You may be with someone, anyone who's listening and watching this right now, you may have someone who loves you deeply. You've just never articulated what your love language is. You have to speak up. You have to share it. You can't, no one can read in between the lines. You can't expect that person to figure it out by looking at you. You need to tell them, this is how I feel most love.

This is what I need to feel love. And I see so many couples that get scared about saying this or doing this. Well, they're, it's like hard for your ego because being able to have enough vulnerability and openness to say to your wife, I need you to tell me I've got this. Right? Like words of affirmation that I need words of affirmations. And you know, the ego goes, oh, no, I don't really need that for my wife. But you have to share it.

If you don't tell them that, how are they going to know? You go to put your ego aside and be really open and honest. Everything you talk about on social media and through your videos is so emotional based. And there's just a lot of like that inner work, especially like with relationships. But what about the physical aspect of it? Like physical, like the intimacy and all of that. Do you ever touch on any of that?

Ah, let me think. I definitely talked about it from an abuse point of view. Right. You're talking about from a, from the other side. Well, like when you're married sex is important. Yeah, right. And I think that for me, my understanding is like, you have to have the emotional first before the sex

can stay consistent and great. It's so much easier to talk about that I'll go into that. That's why I focus so much on my content on the other side. My content is so heavily focused on the compatibility, on the healing, on the deep work, because I'm like, if people get this right, they can have amazing relationships, they can have amazing physical, everything's gonna be great. But when you look at all these magazine covers, and you'll always see like, you know,

the seven things she wants in bed, and the three things, and it's always those things, and that's what I love about what I've been able to do with video. It's that we've shifted the conversation. The video's getting millions and millions and millions of views, but we're talking about stuff that actually is going to make a difference. Whereas you telling someone like, these are the three things she wants in bed, like, that's not going to change your relationship if you aren't compatible,

if you don't connect, if you don't speak the right love languages, if you're not empathetic, if you're not vulnerable, then that three lists of this and seven lists of that isn't going to do anything. It's void. And that's where I'm trying to get to with people, because I don't want people to use sex as a substitute for that, and I don't want people to use sex as a substitute for that and I don't want people to use sex as an excuse for that. And I don't want people to use sex as a cover-up for not having any of that because I know having been in tons of relationships

where it was just physical and that's all there was, that's the only time it felt good. It didn't feel good at any other time and it didn't go home with a beautiful feeling in my heart. And then when it's only about that, that's also when it can be easily replaced. Because that's easily changeable. And that's why I think so many people go through

and I talk about my videos so much about cheating and loyalty because when it is just physical, it becomes so much more easier to just disconnect and pull away. All those things happen. And now heartbreak. Yes. What's your advice on heartbreak?

I know you have a video up. It's like the five things people should do through heartbreak and one of them is like get rid of everything from the past and only focus on the present and the future. That's hard for people. I like getting rid of visual triggers. I think the challenge in a lot of our lives is that we're surrounded by the same sounds,

the same sights, and the same people that we were in our past. And I see this with anything, and I'm sure you felt this. When you went deeper into your faith, did your circles change? 100%. When you went deeper into your faith, did what you look at change? 100%. So you look at my heart change. My heart changed.

Your heart changed. But internal and external. Yes, because for me, when I transformed in my faith, it was a transformation at my heart change your heart changed because internal anics done yes because for me when I Transformed in my faith. It was that my transformation of my heart. Yes, not about what I was actually doing or not doing correct And that's what I feel for anyone anyone that I've witnessed and observed go through transformation in their life The environments have changed and so for me a lot of us are making it harder for you So it's like saying I want to start working out every day But I don't own any trainers, right? a lot of us are making it harder for you. So it's like saying, I want to start working out every day, but I don't own any trainers, right? It's like, that's not going to work. It's like doing the opposite. Like I want to go on a diet, but I'm going to keep chocolate cake in my refrigerant,

right? Like it's, it's that. So you're so, you're enabling. I want to get over the past. Yeah. But I'm going to keep my ex's sweater right next to me. And I'm going to keep all these text messages that I can keep reading through again. What, why do people go back every text messages? Because from someone that broke their heart. Because nostalgia and imagination is more powerful, right? The feeling of nostalgia, and this is in studies too, like the research by nostalgia is you always think things were better in the past with something like that. Do you read a message and you're like, oh, but they love me so much. And now all you're doing is realities here and you've got your own version of reality playing here.

So you're basically writing your own movie script up here when reality is telling you this and nostalgia is that script. It's that fantasy that's never gonna stop. It's that fantasy that isn't real. So it's you saying, I don't want to accept what is and I'm trying to accept what if. Those people who can't get over that hump,

what do you tell them? One of the biggest things, like, don't you really want to? No, no, no, no, no, it's a good conversation. I think one of the biggest things I say to people is just like, let's kind of break their space that they're in. It's almost like that person needs a space change and they need to get out of that zone.

And so for me, I'm always encouraging people to start doing new things. I think it's so powerful when you go and have a new experience, when you try something new, you're doing a new class, you've never done it before. Because guess what? It's about finding yourself again. So you're now learning new things about yourself.

You're now falling in love with yourself. It's about falling in love with yourself. Correct. And I think that the biggest mistake we make in that time is everyone's telling you, oh, when's the rebound? Like, are you going to date this guy? When are you going to start dating again or this girl? When are you going to be out there again? And it's almost like, well, no, maybe it's about

I go inside this time and spend some time with myself. And I think new experiences are a beautiful way of doing that. Because you only learn new things about yourself when you do new things with yourself. You never do new things with ourselves. You're always doing the same things with the same people, but imagine you're studying new things on your own and now you have new memories. And one of the things I've been talking about a lot with people is forming new memories. If you don't make new memories, the old ones will always hold

you back. And that's why we're stuck in the old because we're not making any new ones. So the old ones just keep pulling you back. So the best way to make new memories is A, set up an experience, do it with a friend that you love. And when you go out there, it's this technique that's often used for grounding and therapy and everything. But I use it for presence. And that's how we were trained in it as monks. When you go somewhere, and you're like, I wanna take a mental picture of this. How many times have you ever said that? Where you go somewhere, you're like,

I wanna have this in my mind, and I wanna keep it forever. And the iPhone camera is not. And the camera's not gonna do it. It's not gonna keep it emotionally. And I think we're so bad at creating emotional memories that are new. So the best way to do it is called 54321.

Okay. So when you're in a space, and let's say I want to do it of this, I look at five things that I could see. So five things that I can see right now. So I'm going to say you, obviously, important part of the memory. You're important too.

I'm doing it with you. Yeah, I'm going to say the rug. OK. So I'm going for space. OK. I'm going to look at the ceiling. So 1, 2, 3, 4, I'm going to say the couch. So there are five things that I can see.

The second thing is four things that you can touch. Okay. So four things I can touch. My silky dress, my really dry skin. You'll get descriptions. Silky dress, dry skin. This is good. Textured, rough.

Yeah. Oh, my glass. Yeah. Last one. Amazing. Three things that you can hear. I can hear the light. Yes. I can hear myself swallow and I can hear your voice. Perfect. And then two things that you can smell. I can smell my garlic breath.

And I'm having a hard time smelling basically anything, because you can hear how clogged I am, you know, me too. But maybe my perfume. Okay. And then one thing. Yeah, no, that's good. And then one thing you can taste. Garlic.

Great. So, you know, I'm going to say, you know, I'm going to say, you know, I'm going to say, you know, I'm going to say, you know, I'm going to say, you know, I'm going to say, you know, I'm going to say, you know, I'm going to say, you know, I'm going to say, you know, I'm going to say, you know, I'm going to say, you know, I'm going to to say, you know, I'm going to say, you know, I'm going to am, yeah, me too. But maybe my perfume. Okay, great. And then one thing. Tell about me. Yeah, no, that's good. And then one thing you can taste. Garlic. Great. So if you did that in an experience,

then you want to talk about it, for all of that. All you have to do to make a mental picture, take a mental picture of everything, you do 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, 5 things you can see, four things you can touch, three things you can hear, two things you can smell, and one thing you can taste. I really like that. Yeah, it's beautiful.

And so, and this is what I mean by when you're going to break up, the biggest mistake you make is the old memories hold you back because you don't know how to make new memories. And so my advice to everyone is go and make new memories. Okay, so I did Tony Robbins, right? And it was still lightning, it was fun. And the biggest thing that I came away with was,

I don't live in the present. I'm constantly living for that. What's next? Yes. Here we go. You know, okay, team, it's time to hustle. And he said, what are you grateful for? And I mean, I could sit there and say, I'm grateful for my health. I'm grateful for my family and great, you know, like, I could list a few things. But he said, what are you great before in your career. And it's like, I had to really go deep. And I think that maybe if I started doing the 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, I would be able to go back to experiences that I thought my heart remembered, but my mind didn't. Totally. And I am totally implementing 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. And that's exactly implementing 5.4.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3.3 And that's where when you're trying to think of a past memory, you go, what was it again? Because you have to close your eyes because that was the anyone that was activated. But what we've done with 54321 is you've now absorbed this memory

through all the five senses, which means each one of them is going to give you a different bond. I like it. Yeah. Wow. All right, it's pushing gears a little bit. I really feel like insecurities, breed negativity, right? And a motto that I like to live by is, kill people with kindness. What do you think about that? I love that. I agree with you completely.

This is the beautiful thing that happens. When you say thank you to someone who's kind to you, it does three things. The first thing is, you recognize kindness. So now you are triggering your mind to start recognizing kindness, and you're now recognizing kindness in them. The second thing you do is you reinforce kindness in them.

They realize they're like, oh, when I'm kind, the people appreciate it. So I'm going to be more kind. So you've now reinforced kindness within them. And the third thing is you help them repeat it. Now that you've shown them that their kindness is reciprocated, they're now going to be kind to more people. So when you recognize kindness in someone, it reinforces that belief,

that kindness is amazing. And then they repeat that kindness to other people. So now you've started this domino effect of kindness just by thanking one person. Who knew? Yeah. It's so interesting to hear you talk about being a monk and like how you spend half the day working yourself and half of the other day working to give out to others. And what is your take on putting yourself first?

And like, is it selfish? So with, with monk teachings, the point is, you are taking care of yourself first in order to serve better. So it's always like, I'm going to put myself first so that I can fill up so that I can serve with more. So we want to serve with our best selves. I always say this to people. It's like people are like, Jay, should I go to this party,

should I go out to this event, should I call up this person, should I do this, should I do that? I'm just like, well, if you're gonna show up there with that energy, where you're gonna have to convince yourself to go, then guess what, that person's gonna feel that. It's if you're gonna show up,

and you're gonna show up with your best. So I feel, for me, it's not selfish. If the intention is I want to give more and serve more. That's good. It's selfish when it's just like, oh, I'm just gonna take care of myself because that's all that matters. Right.

It's just like, no, I'm gonna take care of myself because I wanna give my best self to the people I love, to the people of the world, to the people I care for, and so I'm gonna keep prioritizing myself. So I went down the wrong journey. When I first started wanting to serve, I used to just think of the world, to the people I care for. And so I'm gonna keep prioritizing myself. So I went down the wrong journey, when I first started wanting to serve, I used to just think, oh yeah, I'm gonna stay up all night, someone needs me to drive halfway across the country,

I'll do that. And I would do things like that. And I started to realize, I was just people pleasing. I wasn't serving, I was actually serving my own ego. That was the most selfish thing. It was the most selfish thing, because it was just people pleasing. But then I realized actually me saying, look,

you know what, I need to go a good night's sleep tonight, but I promise you first thing in the morning, we're going to talk about this and I'm going to bring my best self to this conversation. People start to respect and value that and gave me that space. And so for me, as long as your intention is clear, you're putting yourself first so you can give more. That's the best thing you can do because I don't want to die

early because I'm negligent of my health, because I mean, you're going to serve less in the long term. The therapy for Black Girls podcast is the destination for all things mental health, personal development, and all of the small decisions we can make to become the best possible versions of ourselves. Here, we have the conversations that help black women dig a little deeper into the most impactful relationships in our lives, those with our parents, our partners, our children, our friends, and most importantly, ourselves. We chat about things like what to do with a friendship ends, how to know when it's time to break up with your therapist, and how to end the cycle of perfectionism.

I'm your host, Dr. Joy Harden Bradford, a licensed psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia. And I can't wait for you to join the conversation every Wednesday. Listen to the Therapy for Black Girls Podcasts on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Take good care. Hi, I'm David Eagleman. I have a new podcast called Inner Cosmos on I Heart. I'm a neuroscientist and an author at Stanford University, and I've spent my career exploring the three-pound universe in our heads. On my new podcast, I'm going to explore the relationship between our brains and our experiences

by tackling unusual questions so we can better understand our lives and our realities, like, does time really run in slow motion when you're in a car accident? Or can we create new senses for humans? Or what does dreaming have to do with the rotation of the planet? So join me weekly to uncover how your brain steers your behavior, your perception, and your reality. Listen to Intercosmos with David Eagelman, on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

App, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. Our 20s are seen as this golden decade. Our time to be carefree, full in love, make mistakes, and decide what we want from our life. But what can psychology really teach us about this decade? I'm Gemma Speg, the host of the psychology of your 20s. Each week, we take a deep dive into a unique aspect of our 20s, from career anxiety, mental health, heartbreak, money, friendships, and much more to explore the science and the psychology behind our experiences, incredible guests, fascinating topics, important science, and a bit of my own personal experience. Audrey, I honestly have no idea what's going on with my life.

Join me as we explore what our 20s are really all about, from the good, the bad, and the ugly, and listen along as we uncover how everything is psychology, including our 20s. The psychology of your 20s hosted by me, Gemma Speg, now streaming on the iHot Radio app, Apple podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. And have you noticed this shift on social media where it feels like we're all kind of competing in the self-care Olympics? What do you feel like that pressure is that for everybody just to like look and feel centered? I think it's a good thing that people are now starting to like that pressure is that for everybody just to like look and feel centered?

I think it's a good thing that people are now starting to realize that fatigue is not a bad job on that. That you're only successful if you feel that way at the end of the day. But I think this is what always happens in the world. Balance only comes when we go from one extreme to the other extreme. So at one point, maybe a few years ago, I don't know how long, were always like, you have to grind and hustle. And that's the only thing about success. And you have to work hard. And if you're not tired, then you're never going to be successful. You're never going to be a millionaire or a billionaire or whatever it is. And I think that was the talk. And now the talks on the other way, if you're not getting a massage every week and you're not, you know, sleeping eight hours and you're not better. Yeah, if you're not letting them

panic massage. Exactly. And then it goes to the other extreme. And that's how the world gets back into balance. And we know the answers to the middle. We know that you need to feel a bit stretched in order to work on yourself. You need to work on yourself to stretch yourself a little more. And life is never the perfect middle. It's constantly back and forth.

And I think that's the mistake. We're looking for middle or we're looking for extreme. And actually, it's just back and forth. It's just oscillating. I'm never applying, I'm like, oh, my life is in perfect balance because balance is a myth. What are three practices for self care that you live by or that you give as examples? One of my favorite ones is what I talk about emotional vocabulary. So Harvard and you can Google this as this great table. And it shows how limited our emotional vocabulary. So Harvard and you can Google this as this great table and it shows how limited our emotional vocabulary is. So what I mean by this is if someone asked you,

how's your week been? That's all right. All right, good, bad, fine, okay. Right, how's your week going? Good, how's your day been? Okay, how are you doing tonight? Fine, right? That's literally how we describe our lives.

Sometimes I say so good. So excited. I love it, good. At least you've got an expansive emotional vocabulary. Oh, so expansive. So expansive. But our emotional vocabulary is so limited. Now there's a challenge here.

We don't get to understand how we truly feel because we never articulate and express it. So when you say that you're angry, are you offended, are you irritated, are you defensive? There's so much more to the word angry than just anger. Or when you say I'm sad, when you say you're sad, are you upset, are you regretful, are you triggered? Right, this is so much more. When you self-diagnose and you limit your vocabulary, you're just like, oh, I'm just sad. I'm just angry.

And which means that you can't articulate to yourself what you're really dealing with. And you can't articulate to a friend what you're dealing with. So you don't feel understood. And feeling understood is such an important part of self-care. The feeling that I can articulate what I'm really going through and someone understands me.

That's huge for self-care. I think it's one of the most important things of self-care. When you look at someone and you feel they really get me, doesn't that feel so good for your confidence and your self-worth and your significance? You like that. Correct. You feel loved. Exactly. All in one moment. So for me, that's one of the best self-care techniques is when I'm struggling with something, let me not settle for the base level emotion. Let me really understand it. And then if you're speaking to a therapist,

you're speaking to your doctor, you're speaking to your friend, you can now actually articulate it better so they can actually help you back. Wow. And you've full understood. The second self-care that I absolutely love is how we talk to ourselves. And so this to me is probably the biggest one. One thing I was talking about is I looked at to ourselves. Right. And so this to me is probably the biggest one. One thing I was talking about is I looked at the definition of confidence. Uh-huh. And I've never done this, but I love looking. I haven't either.

I've never talked about confidence all the time. Yeah, so I thought I'd look at the definition. And it starts off by talking about self-assurance. And you think, okay, yeah, that's what I imagine when confidence. And then it says, and it's the appreciation of one's own abilities and qualities, which blew my mind. Notice it didn't say receiving appreciation for your qualities. For yourself. Yeah. A precision of one's own abilities and qualities. Not the appreciation of others, not the validation of our values, not the approval of others. But that's why you can say

I have confidence in you. Correct. Or I have confidence in myself. Correct. Right. Okay. Yeah. And so the way we talk to ourselves is all over the place. It's key. When you're going out to a party, you dress up and you look at the person, you go, how do I look in this? I'm like, no, ask yourself, how do I look in this? Like, how do I feel in this? Or when you go to an interview, people say, how would people describe you in three words? It's like, why do we care about how people would describe it? How would I describe myself in three words? And so for me, the way we talk to ourselves is such a big thing. So I have this mechanism that I love coaching people on and sharing with people. It's called spot stop swap.

Spot stop my British accent. Okay. You want to do a spot spot Spot? Spot? Spot of tea. Spot. Stop. So every time, that's very good. That's very, very good. And I'm not even that harsh, but you made me say, really good. Yeah, stop. No, poppins, what I have. I love it.

I feel like we need to hold a bit of tea. Stop. Can we get a tea? No. Spot, stop, swap. So every time you notice yourself, say something negative to yourself. Ooh, spot it first. Start spotting that pattern.

Because that's all it is, it's a pattern. And we don't realize how much the words we say to ourselves have an impact. But when you say something like to yourself, like, I'm starving, right? When you say that, guess what? Your body gets triggered into feeling like it's starving. Oh my god, I see.

So mind and body connected. So do I. So that's why I'm picking on this example. Whereas what you actually mean is I've been lazy. I haven't planned my meals. I haven't eaten for two, three hours. And you're saying I'm starving. Starving is the person who doesn't know where their next meal is coming from.

You're just hungry and disorganized. And so when we say to myself, I'm exhausted. Rather than saying, I'm going to make time for an app today. Or I'm going to sleep earlier today. I'm going to make time for an app today or I'm going to sleep earlier today. I'm going to say the same thing. Right. But what you're saying is changing it's a spot first spot that pattern.

One of the things I think a lot of people say to themselves is, I'm not good enough. I'm ugly. I'm not beautiful. She's beautiful. He's really good looking. He's got a great body. She's whatever. And if you spot that, where is that happening?

It's usually happening when you're browsing through social media. So now let's stop. Let's limit the time you spend in that place, with that person, whatever it is that's sparking and triggering that thought. Let's limit that time. And then let's swap it for something better. So what am I going to swap that with? I'm going to listen to Ashley's podcast. I'm going to read this book that I actually recommended called the Five Love Languages. I'm going to go to a class that I've been wanting to go to or a workshop or whatever it may be. Now you've now opened yourself up to swapping it. So stop, stop, swap. So start to spot the patterns, the way you talk to yourself that are bringing you down, start stopping being in those places and times that spark that thought because

there's usually an alignment and then swap it upgrade it for something higher. That's good. I can't say it three times faster. Spot stop swap. Stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop one. This is probably one of my favorite ones right now. And I think we've been told for a long time that you're the average of the five people you spend most time with, we had that again and again and again. And everyone's always like, get together with people you want to be like and stuff. And I've been thinking about that a lot lately and I was a lot of my friends were saying, you know, yeah, I'm always around people, but I still feel lonely. I don't know if you've heard that. People are like, I'm busy, but I'm lonely. I'm around people especially here in L.A. and New York. Right. Yeah. and you feel that people feel lonely.

And I said, the challenge is, we need to stop getting together and when you start growing together. And what I mean by that is, schedule one experience. Once a week with a friend, well, you're both growing together. Choose an activity that neither of you are a pro-er. So don't go to yoga class if one of you is a yoga enthusiast and the other isn't.

Go somewhere where there's a level playing field. Why? Because you now get a pro-er. So don't go to yoga class if one of you is a yoga enthusiast and the other isn't. Go somewhere where there's a level playing field. Why? Because you now get a fresh experience together. It's so good, because it boosts your confidence. It's okay if you're bad. Totally. And because you're going together and you're both bad, there's no pressure.

And my best memory of this is once for training, I was sent to Chicago, and it was 80 of us who'd never worked together. This was when I joined a corporate company. 80% of us were sent to Chicago for training, but we were told it was Chicago. Actually, we were two hours outside of Chicago in the middle of nowhere.

And we'd be at training 9 AM to 6 PM. And then at 6 PM, it was too late to get into Chicago. So we'd have to do something. And the only thing we could do is play sport because there were all these outdoor sports places. 10 of us every night would go out and we played volleyball in the snow. None of us had ever played volleyball before.

I could pick up the phone to any of these people today because we all just had this crazy unique experience together. That's so funny. And you're learning something to you. And I think we underestimate this. Learning something every day is huge for your self-care. Because you only feel good about yourself when you feel you're progressing. So I started this really simple habit and it's

learning a new word every single day. Oh, I've been writing down the words in my notes. I love this. Okay, amazing. So literally learning a new word every day and you may say, Jay, I want to learn a new city or I want to learn about new culture or I want to learn about a new cuisine or I want to learn, but make it small and something you can achieve, like in three minutes. Right. And so my word today was Maraki, M-E-R-A-K-I. Maraki. Yeah. And what it means is to do something with soul, or to create and leave a piece of you in it, in what you create. And what I love about that word is now I've shared that with you. Right. We're not having a discussion about it. You've now contributed to a conversation. Your self-worth gets boosted

because you've learned something new. You've proved yourself you can remember and share it. Those are just some answers straight away that came to my mind. Practices that I think are really simple. They are simple. And I'm glad you explained them because I think sometimes people just rattle things off and they don't go into explanation and I think that's really important. I think that a lot of people are looking for peace. What do you say to those people who are just in search of peace? I'm glad you asked this.

So the tagline on my book is called Train Your Mind for Peace and Purpose Everyday. Wow. I believe that it's something that can be trained and I believe it's something that you have to take responsibility for. The world around you is never going to be fully peaceful ever. Even if there was world peace, you would still not have peace

with a little argument with your partner or a little issue at work. Like that's never going to disappear. So the desire for everything around you to be calmed is a wishful thought that doesn't have an end. Whereas the feeling of wanting to create calm and peace within is very realistic. And the point is that that peace is always going to get triggered. And I think that's the mistake we make. We're looking for this perfect, consistent, never-touched definition of peace. Whereas peace is something you're constantly training yourself to look for.

So what I would say is that people should try and find the one activity they have in their day that brings them peace. It could be sitting and having them wanting tea. It could be sitting and reading from a book they love. It could be having a beautiful conversation in their partner, whatever it is, just have one activity a day that brings you peace. In my book obviously I talk a lot more than that, but to find just something that brings you peace, it could be a mindset that brings you peace. So I really believe that all stress pressure or lack of peace comes from your mind being ahead of your body or your body being ahead

of your mind. So how many times have you been in a scenario where your mind's like racing really, really fast? And your body's like, oh, I just wanna be in bed. Right, right? Everyone been in a scenario where your mind's like racing really really fast and your body's like Oh, I just want to be in bed right right everyone been in that situation. Yeah, or you're in the opposite scenario Where your body is moving really really fast doing a lot but your mind's like I'm still gonna be in bed. Oh, that was me yesterday Right, right. So we've all experienced both the you get into all this in your book don't you? Yes, oh, I can't wait

So the alignment of the two is what creates peace. Let's imagine I was running late today, and I'm stressing. I'm like, I haven't thought about this, and I don't know what it's about, and maybe I'm, you know, all that stuff that we know that you do stress about when you're running to work.

And I'm sitting in the back of a Lyftron Uber, or I'm driving, and I turn up to the meeting. Because you live in LA and you can drive. Correct. So what I would do is, I sit down, and I breathe in for the meeting. Because you live in LA and you can drag. Correct. So what I would do is I sit down and I breathe in for the same count that I breathe out. Oh yeah. So I breathe in for a count of four.

And through the nose after that. Through the nose after the mouth. And I breathe out for a count of four. Now when you breathe in for the same amount of time as you breathe out, you're lining your body and mind. Why? Because your mind is counting 1, 2, 3, 4. And your body and you listen is breathing in and out,

one, two, three, four. This is very similar to hypnobar things. Yes. Oh, no, I didn't know that. I was saying hypnotherapy, babe. No, but what they're teaching me through going through contractions and things, it's amazing because it connects your body and your mind and it helps you deal with any kind of stress.

Yes. And because I'll be going through physical stress. Correct. It's going to help me through that. Amazing. Yeah. Yeah, I love that. And that's the point that whenever you're mind or body

or a head or a behind of each other, that's where you feel a lack of peace. Right. And so you find peace when you come back into alignment. So Gandhi said, when what you think, what you say, and what you do are aligned, then you'll fool peace and harmony. I'm excited for more J. Shetty knowledge.

Thank you. Yeah. You're very kind. No, you. Thank you. You're very kind. No, you're kind. You're very kind, honestly, and I really love our conversations because A. You ask amazing questions. B. You make it very fun to be around you. And C. I'm just so impressed right now. I am blown away. Thank you for being here. Thank you for having me. But before I let you go, there's one thing that we do at the end of every pretty big deal. Everybody kind of breaks out.

Do I have to do that? No, you don't have to get up and do the answer anything. Oh good, I'll do it. But you do have to answer a couple questions. We do the live, boldly lightning rounds. Oh, I like it. What's the last pretty penny you spent? Ooh, probably these.

Ooh, those are good. He's lifting up his ship. These are nice trainers. Yeah. What's your biggest deal breaker on and what scenario? In any scenario. No intention. Oh, that's good.

If I don't feel someone has an intention, it doesn't have to be right or wrong because I think that's subjective. Right. That is like it's like an empty question. Correct. Like, where's the heart? Yeah. Like, is there any heart?

Is there a soul? Is there intention to this? Or is it just because? Right, because we're on pretty big deal and you're a pretty big deal. I want to know what's a pretty big deal to you. I'm not used to being on the other side of these. I ask a lot of these questions. I know. You are great. A pretty big deal to me is being able to make really meaningful friendships after 30 years old. As we get older, I think it's hard to build really deep meaningful relationships. A pretty big deal to me is finding really meaningful, beautiful relationships that are genuine, authentic, that I could pick up the phone to in a tough time. That would call me in a tough time. Yeah, I put that above everything.

I think a good point there. Jay, thank you so much for coming. Thank you. I really appreciate it. Oh, you're could point there. Jay, thank you so much for coming. Thank you. Thank you. I really appreciate it. Oh, you're the sweetest. Thank you. This is so much fun.

It was. I love this. Thanks. Thanks. In an average commercial flight, the captain has the autopilot engaged about 90% of the time. And some psychologists estimate that we make about 90% of our decisions, similarly, on autopilot, without thinking. But unlike an airline pilot, when we take our hands off the controls, we don't usually end up where we want to go. But don't worry,

there's a simple way that we can stay dialed in. The next seven minutes are about intention and adding direction to the choices you make in life. I'm Jay Shetty, welcome to the Daily J. the daily J. Now before we take off, let. Before I started high school, if you'd have asked me what my worst subject was, I'd have said art, no question. But then I met Mr. Buckeridge. He was an art teacher in my school, tall and thin, and I remember how he always wore these red checkered shirts and knit ties. I also remember something Mr. Buckeridge would do that really bugged me, at least at first. He'd stroll around the room looking at our work and each time he'd stop at my desk

and ask me this question, why? Like why had I decided to use that colour combination? I don't know I'd say, because it looks cool. Mr. Buckridge would shake his head. That's not a real reason. He always pushed me to really think things through, to be clear about my choices. And honestly, that's where I first learned the power and the importance of intentionality. That lesson has helped me throughout my life

and it's one that can help you too. When I left high school, I had to gone from being my worst class to my best. But it wasn't because I got good at painting or drawing. I didn't, I'm still terrible at them. It's because I learned to look at the world through the lens of intention. And now today, if I'm launching a new project, or even just decorating my office,

at every step along the way, I know my why. When we ask why, it's like turning on a light in a dark room. We're no longer just feeling our way around, hoping we'll eventually find the door. Instead, we have a vision and a direction. It also ensures that we're living with purpose, instead of being driven by unquestioned impulses or unexamined emotions, that we're not living life

on autopilot or playing follow the leader. Why is an opportunity to check in with yourself to make sure that your actions align with your values and your priorities? Here's a simple yet profound exercise. simple yet profound exercise. Today, at each decision point you encounter, as you contemplate your choice, pause and ask yourself, why? Okay, it doesn't have to be every decision, considering how many we actually make in a day, but try to do it for a few hours. Why am I having cereal for breakfast? Why am I opting to wear this shirt? Why am I stopping to buy a coffee on my way to work? And why did I choose this coffee shop? Remember answers like because it's cool or because I always do, we'll get the Mr. Buckridge buzzer.

because I always do will get the Mr. Buckridge buzzer. Challenge yourself to go deeper. You might be surprised at what you discover and how being more thoughtful and deliberate impacts your life. I know it may seem like a little thing, but asking yourself why gives you back the controls so you can fly with direction and intention. And with that in mind, let's practice our intentionality as we turn to our meditation. First, get comfortable wherever you are and be purposeful about what that means for you in this moment. During this practice, you shouldn't do anything just because it's what you usually do. Instead, be very deliberate.

So, eyes open or closed and consider why you're making that choice. Tune into your breath here and you can keep flowing along with your natural rhythm or mindfully breathe a little deeper. Feel free to hold your attention on your breath. or consciously shift your awareness somewhere else. Like a sensation in your body or a sound in the environment. Now take a moment to think about your day so far. Why are you where you are right now? Why are you listening to the Daily J? Why are you listening at this time of day in this place?

And now let's open this up. How often do you do things with clarity of purpose and intention and how often would you say, you're an autopilot? As you move through life, when and where could you ask yourself why? How could this transform your life for the daily J is very clear. I'm incredibly motivated to help others live their most mindful lives. I hope Mr. Buckridge would be proud. Thanks for being here, and I'll see you tomorrow.

I am Dr. Romani and I am back with season two of my podcast Navigating Narcissism. This season we dive deeper into highlighting red flags and spotting a narcissist before they spot you. Each week you'll hear stories from survivors who have navigated through toxic relationships, gaslighting, love bombing, and their process of healing. Listen to navigating narcissism on the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. I am Yum Le Van Zant and I'll be your host for The R Spot. Each week listeners will call me live to discuss their relationship issues. Nothing will tear a relationship down faster

than two people with no vision. Does y'all are just flopping around like fish out of water? Mommy, daddy, your ex, I'll be talking about those things and so much more. Check out the R-Spot on the iHeart Video app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you listen to podcasts. The Therapy for Black Girls podcast is your space to explore mental health, personal development, and all of the small decisions we can make to become the best possible versions of ourselves.

I'm your host, Dr. Joy Harden Bradford, a licensed psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia, and I can't wait for you to join the conversation every Wednesday. Listen to the therapy for Black Girls podcast on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your podcast. Take good care.