On Purpose with Jay Shetty - 3 Lessons I Learned From My Ex

Episode Date: February 22, 2019

Breakups are hard there’s no doubt about that, but sometimes break-ups lead to break-throughs. Don’t worry, it’s normal to have feelings of bitterness, blame, or even have a breakdown. You are not alone.We cover a lot in today’s episode so whether you’re looking to strengthen your current relationship or need a little help getting through a past one you’re not going to want to miss this.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

The One You Feed explores how to build a fulfilling life admits the challenges we face. We share manageable steps to living with more joy and less fear through guidance on emotional resilience, transformational habits, and personal growth. I'm your host, Eric Zimmer, and I speak with experts ranging from psychologists to spiritual teachers offering powerful lessons to apply daily. Create the life you want now. Listen to the one you feed on the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. What do a flirtatious gambling double agent in World War

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they spot you. Each week you'll hear stories from survivors who have navigated through toxic relationships, gaslighting, love bombing and their process of healing. Listen to Navigating Narcissism on the I heart radio app, Apple podcast, or wherever you get your podcasts. The number one skill that you need to make a relationship lost if it matters to you and it's important to you is knowing how to fight. Welcome back to On Purpose. I'm genuinely so excited, so grateful and so happy for all the incredible support, the love, the kindness that the podcast has been receiving. We're now the number one health podcast in the world on iTunes and we debited at number five in all categories and with a number one podcast in India as well

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So before I was a monk, I had plenty of relationships. I made a lot of mistakes, had a lot of valuable experiences, and learned a lot of good lessons. And I'm sure all of you have had that experience in your own lives where you had relationships that maybe didn't go as planned, that maybe you know you could have done something better in,

or maybe there's one you look back on and wish you could have Chained something or done something different. Well, the best thing is and the truth is that you can make all those changes now. You can refocus now. You can make a big difference, especially if you learn from those Experiences. In today's episode on on purpose, I'm speaking on three lessons I learned from my exes. So I'm diving into my personal stories, getting super vulnerable, being super open with each and every one of you. Like I said, I want this to be a medium where you get to know me better and I get to know you better. I want it to be an exchange. I want you to learn about me and I want to learn about you as well. exchange. I want you to learn about me and I want to learn about you as well. And this is the truth.

It's normal and okay, when you break up with someone, to have feelings of bitterness, to have feelings of blame, to have feelings of breakdown. And those are the three b's of breakups. Usually we feel bitter, usually we shift blame, and usually we experience a breakdown. And I know that all of you may have been in that Expense you've had one of those. I'm sure we've all come to that in different times in our life whether it's in our teens whether It's right now in our 20s or whether it was last week we've all experienced moments where we were extremely bitter We blamed other people for what had happened, and we had a personal breakdown. And one of the things I want to highlight here is that we talk a lot about the pain after a breakup, but we rarely talk about the gain after a breakup.

We rarely talk about the breakthrough after a breakup. So when we talk about breakups, we talk about breaking down. We talk about things going badly. We talk about blame. We talk about bitterness. But we talk about things going badly, we talk about blame, we talk about bitterness, but we rarely talk about breakthroughs. And this is what's fascinating, that all of our energy and all of our attention starts becoming about,

oh, it's so hard, it's so challenging, which very much is, and I value that and accept that. But when we go a step further, there's a whole body of understanding around how a break up can be a breakthrough. Because sometimes the weight you want to lose isn't just on your body. Sometimes there's weight that you need to shed in your mind, there's weight that you need to shed in your life. And it can be so liberating and freeing when you're able to let go of people, liberating and freeing when you're able to let go of people, possessions, positions, places that are weighing you down. And so it's so important that we get to that stage and break through even after a break up.

And so these are the three things that I learned with time and perspective, don't get me wrong. I didn't learn these right away. These are three things I learned with time and perspective. Don't get me wrong. I didn't learn these right away. These are three things I learned with time and perspective and they apply to you. Whether you're in a relationship or not, if you've been in one before, this applies to you. You can get your notebooks out. You can write your notes on your phone.

If you're commuting right now, then make sure you're taking down notes. If you're at the gym, don't worry, you can listen in, just listening closely. Wherever you're listening right now or watching right now, just know that I'm going to be sharing these three lessons that I learned from my exes that are going to be super powerful for you to apply in your current relationships, future relationships, or use to reflect on the past. So you ready? Let's go.

The first one that I want to talk about, and I'll keep it simple. I call it the 3D principle. These are the three D's that you don't want to do in a relationship, right? These are the three D's that you don't want to do in a relationship. In one of my relationships I got this totally wrong. Actually, we got this totally wrong. The three D's are decisions

disagreements and debates. Now Don't confuse this. It's not bad to make decisions in a relationship. It's not bad to have disagreements in a relationship. And it's not even bad to have debates in a relationship. Those are all fine. So the lesson that I learned is don't have debates, don't discuss disagreements, and don't try to make big decisions over text or social media. You know who you are. How many times have you tried to sort out a disagreement, to have a debate, or to have a discussion or make a decision on social media or via text or email or some sort of digital form of communication. Put your hand up right now. It's okay,

I've done it too. We've all been there. We've all mixed made mistakes. But literally in that relationship, we would discuss everything from her not liking my friends. To me, you know, not thinking she was focused on her dreams, to her feelings of jealousy and insecurity, whatever it was. We used to discuss it on text. And that may sound crazy. But if you just do a quick reflection or a quick audit over your past relationships or present relationships and just think about where you're having most of your important conversations. Now, if you can honestly say that you're not having them on digital media, I'm so happy

for you, I wish I was like you, you're my role model, you're amazing. But for the majority of us, we tend to resort to social media or text or email to do that. So often our phones have become the place where we make major decisions and it's a hugely bad move. See, texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel and misinterpret what other people mean. Right? Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel and misinterpret what other people mean. So we do this because we all don't want to have difficult conversations in person. Right?

None of us want to walk into a difficult discussion. No, none of us want to walk into a tough situation. None of us want to have to talk about the things that annoy us, upset us, that feel awkward, uncomfortable, or tough. And so we turn to social media. And this happens so often with everything, right? We all know about trolls.

Why is it that trolls feel more comfortable in an Instagram comment section or a YouTube comment section because you can kind of say what you want without having to deal with the repercussions right away or ever. So we know that we all get more confident behind the screen than we do when we don't have it. And unfortunately in our relationships, especially in love and relationships, that leads to a lot of challenges. And sometimes you can think, well, I'm just asking a question. I'm just starting a conversation, and then you see something like that,

just completely escalate, completely go in another direction. And that happens so often where you just kind of get lost in social media and having this debate discussion, disagreement via text, when all you wanted to do was ask one question. So when you do it over text, you end up saying things you don't mean.

You choose shorter ways of saying the same thing and end up causing more issues in the long run. And I learned that when it came to a disagreement, debate or a decision, we have to do those face to face in person. It's so easy to want to do it face to face in person. It's so easy to want to do it at a different time. It's so easy to want to do it over an email or text or social media. It's so easy to do it in a DM or whatever it may be. But I learned that when it came to a disagreement,

a debate or a decision, those three days, we had to choose face to face or in person. Now, I didn't recognize this in the relationship, but it's been something I've been applying to my relationship today. And it's been incredible. It has made a huge difference in the way my wife and I communicate. And if you haven't heard the first episode of the on purpose podcast, make sure you go back and listen to it.

I actually interview my wife for the first time. We talk about how we met. We talk about how we deal with challenges. We talk about how we deal with all the conflicts and situations that arise in our relationship. So these are lessons that I've begun to apply in present day, in the day today that you know. And these are mistakes that I made in the past. But I really want to help you not make those mistakes and really help you understand. And I've got two more that I want to share with you. But before I do that, I want to share a tip on how to make sure you do this.

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in the city of the rails. Listen to city of the rails on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Or cityoftherails.com. Hey, it's Debbie Brown, and my podcast deeply well is a soft place to land on your wellness journey. I hold conscious conversations with leaders and radical healers and wellness and mental health around topics that are meant to expand and support you on your journey. From guided meditations to deep conversations with some of the world's most gifted experts

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to work on yourself without judgment, to heal, to learn, to grow, to become who you deserve to be. Deeply well is available now on the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Big love. Namaste. Right? So it's easy for me to say to you, don't disagree, don't discuss and don't debate and

don't try to make big decisions over text. But how do you do this practically? So I want to give you a really practical tip that I want you to apply this week, today, this month, this year, in your life. When you feel like debating, when you feel like disagreeing, or when you feel like making a big decision over text or social media, do this. Text yourself. Yeah, you heard me right.

Text yourself. Send the text that you want to send to that person to yourself. Now, what does that do? It gives you an opportunity to voice your opinions and then read and reflect, right? So what we often do is that in an impulse, in a moment, in a switch, we just react rather than respond. A reaction, the difference between a reaction and a response is that a reaction is impulsive, it's not thought through a reflective, and it's immediate, it's instant, it's like what you feel in that moment and you just want to say it, you just want

to get it out, and it's fueled by anger and envy and pride and ego. And the response is the opposite. A response is something when you've allowed something to land with you. You've thought about it, you've digested it, you've digested it, you've reflected. So now you're able to come from a place of respect, you're able to come from a place of authenticity, you're able to come from a place for connection, you're now looking at this as a higher purpose.

That's the difference between reacting and responding. And unfortunately, when you send that text on social media or whatever it is, what we're doing is we're reacting, we're not responding. And unfortunately, when you send that text on social media, whatever it is, what we're doing is we're reacting, we're not responding. So here's my tip. When you feel like debating, when you feel like disagreeing

or making a big decision over text or social media, text yourself, send the text to yourself. That gives you the opportunity to check whether what you're saying is being received well, right? It helps you read it back to yourself first and go, wait a minute. If I got this message, if I received this message today, how would I feel? What would this make me think? What information is missing?

What could be misinterpreted and what could go wrong? It shows you and gives you a moment to think about if I just received this text, what could be misinterpreted? What parts of it are missing? What do I need to add or edit? And it gives you that moment to reflect and read. And the third thing it gives you

is it also acts as a rehearsal for the real conversation you can have later. You have the chance to read, reflect, and rehearse. The three hours of combating those three Ds. When you read your own words, you reflect on them and review them, and then you rehearse them, you're able to now walk into that conversation as a response and not as a reaction. It's so easy to avoid this step, but I highly, highly recommend it.

When we storm into a debate, discussion, or decision, or disagreement, we never get to do this. And that actually is what leads to regret. So to avoid regret, do the three hours. Read, reflect, and rehearse. Send that text to yourself. Read it, reflect, read, reflect and rehearse. Send that text to yourself, read it, reflect and review, and rehearse so that you can actually get

into the right mindset to get to the best solution. I really hope you're gonna take that tip up, try it out today, try it out for the rest of the week, try it in a month, and the truth is you can also apply this to your mom, your dad, your sister, your brother, your family. This doesn't just apply to a relationship, right? You can apply to any relationship.

So that's the first lesson I learned from my ex. Here's lesson number two, this relationship, all we did was fight. Like 99% of the time, all we did was fight. Whether it was arguing about who didn't spend enough time with someone, whether it was arguing about something that our friends had issues with, whether it was arguing about what our parents thought, you know, whatever it is, you just argue about anything and everything. And I'm sure you've experienced that in your own life, you've been there, done that.

And so this is very common. And this is something that I really want to share with you. People who often ask me when I'm at a podcast or I'm on an interview or I'm on a show, or even if I'm speaking at a company, they ask me, what's the number one skill in a relationship? Right? What's the number one skill? And I'm sure you've thought of that. Like, what's the number one thing that's going to impact the success of my relationships,

whichever relationship that may be? And the common answers that always come out are communication, trust, spending quality time, going on holidays, having incredible dates. And all of those are wonderful and have a lot of validity. But in my opinion, the number one skill that will make a difference in a relationship and make or break it, the number one skill that you need to make a relationship last, if it matters to you and it's important to you, that number one skill that you need to make a relationship last, if it matters to you, and it's important to you, that number one skill in a relationship is knowing how to fight.

Right? The number one skill in a relationship is knowing how to fight, knowing how to deal with conflict, knowing how to deal with challenges, knowing how to deal with things, knowing how to deal with things going wrong. Because guess what? Anyone who says that they don't argue in their relationship is lying. It's impossible. Like, there is no relationship where you will not argue about something or the other. Now, some arguments are far more serious and some arguments are less serious, but the point is arguing still exists. Fighting still exists. We're human. You're two different humans from two different backgrounds, from two totally

different sets of parents, potentially from two different countries, right? The relationship paradigm has so many complications and lenses and facets that make it totally layered that you can't expect to people to not fight. Because what happens is we become conditioned by our experience. If our parents did something a certain way, we either think that that experience is right or wrong. And then you're coming up again someone who has a totally different set of parents. coming up against someone who has a totally different set of parents. Knowing how to fight is probably the number one skill. Conflict is something that no one wants, but no one can avoid. If you're in a relationship or any relationship matters to you and you think it's worth fighting for, learn how to fight properly. And we always say that, my relationships worth fighting for.

I want to fight for this relationship, we'll then learn how to fight. Fighting as an energy of resilience isn't enough, you have to learn how to fight. And that includes things like learning how people fight. So for example, when I met my wife, I noticed that every time we had a disagreement or an argument, she would need to switch off

and be quiet and be in her space to process it. And my approach is always, let's talk about it right now. Like let's sit down and let's put everything aside, I want to address this right now, I want to work through this, you matter to me, I love you, I want to do it right now, and she doesn't want to talk. And when that first happened, I saw that as a sign of, she doesn't care about the relationship as much as I do, she doesn't want to work through it, she just wants to go to sleep angry. And then from her side, it was so intimidating of me and so assertive of me. And I felt that it was very intimidating for her to experience the fact that I wanted to talk

about it right now when she still wanted to reflect and she still wanted to think about it. So one of the first steps in learning how to fight is learning how that person reacts to a disagreement because when you realize that we're all different and we all process things differently, you start to remove that judgment, you start to build a distance between recognizing that that is a fighting style and not a reflection on you. Right in the beginning it's so easy to just be like, oh well, that person doesn't care, that person is not interested in this relationship. When actually it's just their way to process it. A good way to learn about a place is to talk to the people that live there.

There's just this sexy vibe and Montreal, this pulse, this energy. Boizmann is seen as a very snotty city. People call it Bozangelis. New Orleans is a town that never forgets its pay. A great way to get to know a place is to get invited to a dinner party. Hi, I'm Brendan Francis Newdum, and not lost as my new travel podcast,

where a friend and I go places, see the sights, and try to finagle our way into a dinner party. We're kind of trying to get invited to a dinner party. It doesn't always work out. I would love that, but I have like a Cholala who is aggressive towards strangers. I love the dogs. We learn about the places we're visiting, yes, but we also learn about ourselves. I don't spend as much time thinking about how I'm going to die alone when I'm traveling, but I get to travel with someone I love. Oh, see, I love you too. And also, we get to eat as much time thinking about how I'm going to die alone when I'm traveling. But I get to travel with someone I love.

Oh, see, I love you too. And also, we get to eat as much... I love you too. Mike's a lot of therapy goes behind that. You're so white, I love it. Listen to Not Lost on the I Heart Radio App or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Danny Shapiro, host of Family Secrets. It's hard to believe we're entering our eighth season,

and yet we're constantly discovering new secrets. The depths of them, the variety of them, continues to be astonishing. I can't wait to share 10 incredible stories with you, stories of tenacity, resilience, and the profoundly necessary excavation of long-held family secrets. When I realized this is not just happening to me, this is who and what I am. I needed her to help me. Something was annoying at me that I couldn't put my finger on, that I just felt somehow that there was a piece missing. Why not restart? Look at all the things that were going wrong?

I hope you'll join me and my extraordinary guests for this new season of Family Secrets. Listen to season 8 of Family Secrets on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hi, I'm David Eagleman. I have a new podcast called Inner Cosmos on I Heart. I'm a neuroscientist and an author at Stanford University and I've spent my career exploring the three-pound universe in our heads. On my new podcast, I'm going to explore the relationship between our brains and our experiences by tackling unusual questions so we can better understand our lives and our realities. Like, does time really run in slow motion when you're in a car accident? Or can we create new

senses for humans? Or what does dreaming have to do with the rotation of the planet? So join me weekly to uncover how your brain steers your behavior, your perception, and your reality. Listen to Intercosmos with David Eagleman on the iHeartRadio app Apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. So that's the first thing is really identifying how you fight and how you respond. And while studying couples in his love lab, Dr. John Gottman, a famous research in this space, incredible studies, he found that happy, stable couples share one very important common denominator. The negative sentiments in their relationship never exceed their positive sentiments.

More specifically, Dr. Gottman found that every happy, stable couple managed to maintain a positive to negative ratio of 5 to 1 at all times. This means for every one negative in their relationship, there were always 5 positives. Right? there were always five positives, right? So whenever you're in that relationship in the situation, when you're thinking about how to fight, you have to make sure that first of all, you're coming from this perspective, are you able to find five positives

for every negative in your relationship? Now, if you're not, there may be a serious issue that you need to address, but for the majority of us, we should be able to find that. And Dr. Cromman explained that maintaining this ratio provides a cushion around your relationship so that the hard times don't feel as hard as they can. And so it's so important that we learn how to fight, understand the person's fighting

style, and make sure that when we're entering a fight, one of the biggest things is to remember this five to one ratio. Do we have five positives for every one negative that we're experiencing in that relationship? And here's my tip. How do you learn how to fight in a relationship? The first thing you say is, is this the right time to fight?

This is one of the biggest issues. How many times is someone approached you to have a fight at the wrong time while you're cooking? While you're watching television, while you're trying to take a break after a busy day, while you just got back from the gym, you've been working overtime. Finding the right time is going to make sure that you can come out of that fight stronger. Second point, do it in the right place. If you don't fight in the right place,

that when you get into bed and you have an argument in bed, guess what? If room is your sleep, if room is that experience of that place, it changes the energy of that environment. Doing the fight, choosing to fight in the right place makes such a big difference. Often it's better to do it in a neutral place so that it doesn't destroy any of the environments

and energy and love in the space that you live in. The third question you have to ask yourself is, are you the right person to say what you're about to say? Sometimes people can hear messages better from someone who's not you. You've got to reflect on whether you're the right person. And the fourth thing is, are you saying the right thing? And that's where the five to one ratio really helps because that will help you put everything into perspective.

I hope that really helped, right? It definitely helped me. That was a huge learning curve for me. A huge one that I was learning even in my conversation, which we've been able to get going for ourselves. I really hope you're going to practice that and it's going to help you in your life and your love. And the third and final tip that I wanted to share with you today is really important in this age of social media. It's super, super important to each and every one of us that's on Instagram, that's on Facebook, that's on YouTube. And that big piece of advice is don't broadcast your relationship early on. I'm going to say broadcast.

I mean, like you've just been dating for a week. There's already, I love you. Picture up on Instagram. There's already a bunch of memes. There's quotes, quotes, there's posts, there's everything. It's all over Facebook. There's a vlog video, whatever it is. Like we love to broadcast love. And that's beautiful. But in the end, it ends up hurting us. I remember being in a relationship where our relationship was completely broadcasted at that time on a very early social media channel and It made things tough because we were constantly looking at our relationship in the way other people saw it and

We were constantly either looking for validation from others on our pictures on our photos Whatever it may have been and even more than that it brought people into our intimate space We were sharing so much that people felt they were a part of our relationship, and therefore they felt they had more of an opinion that mattered to us. I think in the early days of a relationship, and I've seen this with people I've mentored, people I've coached, that the people that have not broadcasted their relationship in the early days have allowed each other to build up an intimacy and an investment in each other. They've given the opportunity for their relationship to grow.

One of the best examples I have for this is when you plant a seed, you don't broadcast it. When you plant a seed into the ground, you don't start telling him to come and look at it and check it out and see how beautiful it is. That seed when it's watered daily grows naturally, grows organically, turns into a flower, a fruit, or a tree, or whatever it is, and people naturally admire it. And that's what relationships are like. If you let that relationship naturally flourish, if you let it organically grow, if you let it become its own thing, then you won't even need to broadcast it. That energy will

show other people. And this is specifically I'm saying in the early days, in that first month, in that first week, in that first year, whatever is right for you, there's no right time to share your relationship. But I would genuinely say that building your foundations together is so important. It's the same with the building. If a city's about to launch a building, they don't talk about the launch of the building when they're just starting to put the plans together, right?

It takes time, because if you broadcast it then and things don't work out, ends up backfiring on you anyway. So this is a matter of patience. And patience is a great quality that we can develop in our relationship. And it stops us from starting our relationship with validation from others. And we start a relationship with our true feelings, our intimate connection and investment in each other. So, my tip to make sure that you don't broadcast your relationship is spend time with people who do know.

That way, you'll still be able to share your love share that connection with other people around you, but you won't be looking for that global or more amplified validation, et cetera, that you get from other places. Another way to make sure that you don't broadcast it is make sure that you're spending quality time together investing in that experience, because if you're doing that, you're not even of time for worrying about how anyone else feels about you. And the third thing is recognize that when you do get to do it, it will be so much more powerful. When you recognize that, when you do put up that post in a year, when you do sit down in a year and share that memory, that experience, that moment, it's going to be appreciated

so much more like that flower, that tree or that fruit example that I gave before. So these are the three lessons that I learned from my exes in my previous relationships. Remember, the first one was don't make major decisions, don't discuss disagreements, and don't have debates through social media. The second tip was the number one skill if you want your relationship to last is learn how to fight and how you fight. If you know how to do that, your relationship will last.

And the third message is don't broadcast your relationship. Go deeper, work on yourself, work on each other, build those foundations before you go telling everyone about it. I hope you enjoyed today's episode. If you did, I'd love for you to share your biggest takeaway on Instagram, tag me in the post as did, I'd love for you to share your biggest takeaway on Instagram, tag me in the post as well. I'd love for you to let other people know about the podcast on purpose. Make sure you've subscribed. If you haven't subscribed yet, please do it right now.

Rate and review the podcast. It will mean so much to me. Thank you so much for all the love that you've given the podcast already. I can't wait to be creating more and more content, insights and stories for each and every one of you. And next week we've got another exciting guest. If you haven't heard already, the first three interviews were incredible. I had my wife on the show. We had Russell Brand and Novak Jokovic. Make sure you go back and check them out and look out for next week's episode. We're launching an episode every Monday and every Friday. Every Monday is a special guest and every Friday is a solo episode with personal

experiences and stories from me. Have an incredible week wherever you are sending you lots of love, meditations and positive vibes. Take care, lots of love. The Therapy for Black Girls podcast is your space to explore mental health, personal development, and all of the small decisions we can make to become the best possible versions of ourselves. I'm your host, Dr. Joy Harden Bradford, a licensed psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia, and I can't wait for you to join the conversation every Wednesday. Listen to the therapy for Black Girls podcast on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your podcast. Take good care. I am Yom Le Van Zant, and I'll be your host for The R Spot.

Each week listeners will call me live to discuss their relationship issues. Nothing will tear a relationship down faster than two people with no vision. Does your all are just flopping around like fish out of water? Mommy, Daddy, your ex, I'll be talking about those things and so much more. Check out the R-Spot on the iHeartRad Video app Apple Podcast or wherever you listen to podcasts. Hi, I'm David Eagleman. I have a new podcast called Inner Cosmos on iHeart. I'm going to explore the relationship between our brains and our experiences by tackling unusual questions like can we create new senses for humans? So join me weekly to uncover how your brain steers your behavior, your perception, and

your reality. Listen to Intercosmos with David Eagleman on the IHART Radio App, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. you