On Purpose with Jay Shetty - 3 Personality Types In Relationships and How To Create A Powerful Connection With Someone

Episode Date: September 24, 2021

Who do you identify as in your relationship? Are you often in the “I need to fix this” mode? Or do you prefer to be taken care of or to be told what to do most of the time? Perhaps, you are more of a supporting pillar to your partner, always there to offer help in any way possible. Our actions and reactions to situations and instances may differ on who you are with, but our personality will always be the same. And this trait that we have might help us work out our relationships or break them because of differences. In this episode of On Purpose, Jay Shetty discusses the three personality types that are common in most relationships and what it means for you and your partner. Sama Tea is now available! Go to http://samatea.com/onpurpose to order a box of Sama now and get access to our free live monthly tea parties, be the first to try out new tea flavors and receive a free exclusive download that shows my personal routine and rituals. Key Takeaways: 00:00 Intro 03:29 The three role type we play in a relationship 05:56 Personality #1: The Fixer 06:43 Personality #2: The Fragile 07:42 Personality #3: The Partner 08:56 How will you know that you’re a fixer? 14:32 Detach from your fixer tendencies 16:15 Are you the fragile type? 20:13 Here’s how to get out of the fragile mentality 22:44 Or are you the partner/supporter type? Like this show? Please leave us a review here - even one sentence helps! Post a screenshot of you listening on Instagram & tag us so we can thank you personally!See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

I'm Jay Shetty and on my podcast on purpose, I've had the honor to sit down with some of the most incredible hearts and minds on the planet. Oprah, Kobe Bryant, Kevin Hart, Louis Hamilton, and many, many more. On this podcast, you get to hear the raw real-life stories behind their journeys and the tools they used, the books they read, and the people that made a difference in their lives so that they can make a difference in hours. Listen to on purpose with Jay Shetty on the I Heart Radio app, Apple podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Join the journey soon. What if you could tell the whole truth about your life, including all those tender and visible things we don't usually talk about?

I'm Megan Devine. Host of the podcast, it's okay that you're not okay. Look everyone's at least a little bit not okay these days, and all those things we don't usually talk about, maybe we should. This season I'm joined by stellar guests like Abbermote, Rachel Cargol and so many more. It's okay that you're not okay. New episodes each and every Monday available on the iHeartRadio app or wherever you listen to podcasts. When my daughter ran off to hop trains, I was terrified I'd never see her again, so I followed her into the train yard.

This is what it sounds like inside the box-top. And into the city of the rails, there I found a surprising world, so brutal and beautiful that it changed me. But the rails do that to everyone. There is another world out there, and if you want to play with the devil, you're going to find them down in the rail yard. Undenail Morton, come with me to find out what waits for us and the city of the rails. Listen to City of the Rails on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts.

Or, cityoftherails.com. How many of you know that you're the fixer in your friend group? Just take a moment, reflect on your friend group, not without judging them, reflect an introspect and think about it. Do all your friends come to you for advice? Do all your friends come to you with their problems? Are you the agony aunt or are you the person that they go to to solve all their issues? There's nothing wrong with this, but you may be playing the classic role of a fixer,

not just in your romantic relationships, but in your friendships and your family. [♪ music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing And every single one of you that come back every week to listen, learn and grow. We've been on an incredible journey together. Whether you're walking your dog right now, whether you're listening while you're driving, as I see so many of you doing, or whether you're cooking or whether you're at the gym, I just want to say a big thank you to each and every one of you for the love you show on purpose. It does not go unnoticed. As always, I can't wait to have on purpose events where we're going to be together. I get to hug you. I get to do this live. It's all going to happen. It's all coming. And I want to take a moment to just

honor our reviews that so many of you so beautifully leave. And this one was from even May. This is a daily lesson for me and my 12 year old son on the way to school. Thanks, Jay, for your insights and wisdom from you and your guests. I so deeply appreciate that. I love sharing this with the next generations as well. So this is from Morgan. Can I give it 10 stars, please? I love that star. That is so epic. Jay and on purpose crew, this podcast has truly been a light to my life since the very first one I listened to. I try every day to apply what I've learned here to my everyday living. It always brings me joy and good vibes. Well, forever be a listener of on purpose. Jay, I just want you to know that I see you, I hear you,

and I appreciate you. Thank you for helping me improve my mindfulness, self-compassion, and growth. You and your teachings are blessing to this world, looking forward to more times spent listening to this podcast, Much Love Morgan. Well, Morgan, you've inspired something from me today to everyone who's listening.

I see you, I hear you, and I appreciate you. Thank you to Morgan for sharing that beautiful moment for us. This one is from Ashley. I related to this episode on a much deeper level. My boyfriend and I are having problems with being vulnerable with one another, and our communication hasn't been the best lately. We work opposite schedules, so we kind of fell into a rut of not discussing what's really been bothering us. We're trying to work things out, and this just reminded me that listening first before we've respond is so important. You always put things into perspective.

If you love someone, you don't throw the love away over a mistake. If you truly love them, you work to forgive and understand where they're coming from. We live in a day where love is synthetic and not valued. Thank you for reminding listeners what it means to cherish your significant other and having a great relationship takes work. Nothing comes easy.

I appreciate you and all the knowledge you share to help relationships work and last. Well, Ashley, you are going to love today's episode because it's all about the three role types that we play in a relationship and what kind of relationships they lead to. Now, whether you're in a relationship, whether you just broke up, whether you just started dating someone, or whether you're single and you're just thinking back to the past, this episode is going to help you understand where things go wrong.

This episode is going to help you understand and select your role type in a relationship and what that means. So I'm going to ask you a few questions that I want you to think about that is going to help you decipher few questions that I want you to think about that is going to help you decipher which role is the role you play. So for each of these questions, I want you to give yourself a score out of 10. The first question is, do you find yourself to constantly be trying to solve, nurture, help, or make the other person better.

Are you involved in trying to improve, grow, and make the other person better? And are you trying to make it happen for them? Trying to carry them sometimes. Give that a score out of 10. The next question is how many of you in a relationship feel that you rely on your partner a lot. You go to them with your problems, you go to them with your complaints, you go to them with all your issues, and you expect them to be able to find solutions for them. And you have to be really honest with yourself as you answer these questions.

Again, zero to 10. Zero means I never do that. 10 means I do that quite a lot. Where are you? And the third and final question I want you to reflect on is, do I support my partner? Do I value their dreams? Do I respect their time in space and how they like to spend their time in space? Or do I always want them to change it? Do I truly understand and acknowledge and recognize who they are and what they're doing? Or do I truly want them to change it? Do I truly understand and acknowledge and recognize who they are and what they're doing? Or do I truly want them to change inside? So where are you?

Do you truly support? Are you at a 10? Or are you at a 5? Because you're like a kind of dude, but I wish they'd do stuff differently. Or are you at zero? So answer those all honestly. Take a moment to reflect.

Don't give yourself the easy way out. And now you'll have three numbers all out of 10. So you either have 10, 10, 10, 10, 0, 0, 0, or any number in between 0 to 10 for each answer. The first type or role that question one alludes to is being the fixer in relationships. This is the parent mentality. We play the role of a parent. We're constantly trying to parent, mother, and father our partners. We're trying to take care of their every needs. We're sensitive to everything they do and we really feel that we can fix them and we can take care of them and we have to nurture them and that's our responsibility. The their happiness is our job. Their happiness is our priority. If you

rated yourself as high, it means you have a high fixer in you. This mentality can be useful, but it can also go overboard. You start to parent mommy or daddy, your partner, which forces them into behaving like a child. The second type is fragile. How many of you are constantly dependent on a reliant on your partner? Now fragile doesn't mean that you are fragile. Remember, you are not a fixer. You're not fragile. It's your conditioning.

It's the experience is the baggage that you've packed and gathered. If you have dirty clothes, it doesn't mean you're dirty. It means you have dirty clothes. If your clothes don't fit anymore, it's your clothes that don't fit anymore. So recognize that you are not the fixer or you are not fragile, but it is the experience you're going under. This is the child mentality. You run to your partner for everything.

You want them to fix you. You want them to figure it all out. And often you can drain and overwhelm them. So for those of you that fixer, you can almost be overpowering and upset when the person isn't fixed. And if you're the fragile one, you get upset when that partner can't fix your problems and can't solve everything for you. Where were you on a scale of one to 10? So again, you left two numbers and you're able to see where you are on each scale. And the third one is this supporter, the partner mentality.

You're not a parent, you're not a child, you're a partner. We're trying to take responsibility. We're trying to develop patients. We're trying to help the other person grow, but we're not trying to micromanage. We're not being a mother or father or a parent again. So these are the three key roles that we've played in relationships and I want you to think back to any of your past relationships for a moment and reflect on which roles have you played. How many of you have played the fixer? My hand is high up in the sky. I have

played the fixer. How many of you have played the fragile? My hand is high up in the sky. I have played the fixer. How many of you have played the fragile? My hand is high up in the sky. I have played the fragile. And how many of you have played the supporter? Both my hands are raised. I'm so happy to finally be there to stop trying to be a child and stop trying to be a parent and starting to be a partner, starting to be a supporter. Now let's talk about that journey. Because a lot of the times, the reason why we end up as fixes or fragile is because of our parenting, the style that we received, our previous experiences and relationships. How many of you know that you're the fixer in your friend group? Just take a moment, reflect on your friend group, not without judging them, reflect an introspect and think about it.

Do all your friends come to you for advice? Do all your friends come to you with their problems? Are you the agony aunt or are you the person that they go to to solve all their issues? There's nothing wrong with this, but you may be playing the classic role of a fixer, not just in your romantic relationships, but in your friendships and your family. How many of you were the ones that kept the peace in your family so that no one else argued? Sometimes you even silenced your own voice and opinion

because you thought it would disturb the peace. Think about this for a moment. How many of us feel, oh yeah, it was the peacekeeper in my family? We see that as a positive. But actually, what we were doing is trying to fix something without listening to our own voice, without listening to how we truly felt about it, without honoring our own emotions and our own thoughts and our own ideas.

How many of you feel that when you're with someone, you're constantly trying to be like, oh, I wish they had a better job. You know, I wish they just dressed a bit better. You can't see trying to fix the other person. And the problem with this is, if someone doesn't want to be fixed, you obviously pushed them away. And if someone does want to be fixed, you are increasing that child mentality, which means consistent dependence. And the interesting thing about fixes, all of us who have experienced it, me included, is that there's only so long we want to be fixes for. At first, we get our significance in a relationship from being a fixer.

We get our enjoyment. We get our confidence in a relationship from being a fixer. We think, oh yeah, this person needs me. This person needs me and I'm here for them. And that's how I get my significance in the relationship. And slowly, that significance starts to fade away. That confidence, it starts to diminish. We get drained by our own mindset. We get overwhelmed by our own mindset.

The fixer is good so long as the fixer thinks that they're not a fixer. But most of us realize we're just trying to fix something that we don't have the right to fix. Or we don't even have the ability to fix, and it might not even be broken. It's that person's journey, it's that person's growth. When we start detaching from that, we start realizing that person is on their journey. Happiness for themselves is their job, fulfillment is their journey. I can support and facilitate, I can guide, I can introduce, but I don't have to be the person. And a lot of us struggle, I'll give you an example.

I used to be the fixer, even when I met Rady in the beginning. And Rady would often go to her mother or her sister for advice and insight before she'd come to me. That's how she was raised. She was always around those people. And my male ego was hurt by that because my male ego wanted to be the fixer, wanted to be the person she goes to with all her problems. But here's what I realized. When my ex-girlfriends, people in the past had done that to me, I felt overwhelmed, used and drained, and I couldn't keep doing it. But my ego wanted it even though I couldn't handle it.

Our ego is seeking that significance, but significance from being a fixer is not sustainable. It's not satisfying. It's not stable. It runs out quick. And so, I started to realize that I should be happy that Rady goes to her mother for certain things, she goes to sister for certain things, and then she comes to me for other things. When I removed my significance from trying to be

everything to her and starting to realize I could be a few things to her. And the few things were my strength. It was what I could offer. That significant stops you from being a fixer. A fixer believes they can fix everything for their partner. Oh, I got your career. I'll introduce you. Oh, you having struggle with your personal life, with your parents, I'll be your therapist.

Oh, oh, you're struggling with your health. I'll be your health and fitness coach. Oh, you're struggling with your diet. I'll be your health coach. The fixer wants to be everything for their partner because they get their significance from having the answer. And then when their partner doesn't change, when their partner struggles with that growth, the fixer feels disappointed.

The fixer judges themselves. The fixer starts to feel unqualified. The fixer starts to think it's all their fault. And they feel bitter towards their partner because now they have the insecurity that they haven't been a good coach. And they take that out on their partner for not being a good student. What are we experiencing here? The challenge is we end up creating a partner who becomes a student, a partner who becomes a child. How many people want to be treated like a

child? Forever and ever and ever. Maybe you're like, yeah, actually, J people do, but not in a condescending way, not in a way that you feel you're reporting to an authority. So I really want you to reflect on where you've seen the fixed attendancies. And the first thing we do to give up our fixed attendancies or detach from that is first saying, okay, what are the things I can support my partner with and what are the things I can't support them with? What are the things that I support my partner with and what are the things I can't support them with? What are the things that I have skills in and abilities in where I want to support them not fix them? And what are the things that I definitely can't help them with that's the first thing the second thing is

To remove the fixed attendancy is you want to help your partner get introduced and connected to other people They go to for guidance. The fixer wants to be the person, the supporter wants to facilitate by introducing to other people. It's the facilitator that we want to become. And thirdly, the supporter mindset instead of being the fixer, comes when the fixer finally realizes that their partner has their own journey they want to go on. Though you're not trying to take your partner on your journey, your partner doesn't have to grow the way you grow.

Your partner will grow the way they grow and they give them space to guide their own journey and make their own decisions and choices. Isn't this so helpful? I hope all of you are sitting there right now, taking a screenshot to share this parcel along with someone who needs it, and also making notes. Because so many of us spend our whole lives being fixes. We all know a fixer, maybe a parent, maybe you've seen your mom or dad be a fixer their whole lives and he hasn't got them anywhere. Maybe you see it in your best friends.

So that's the fixer. The second is the fragile. So the fragile usually comes from being wounded or being carried. So maybe your parents did everything for you or then. Maybe you were hurt a lot and now you've been mistreated by your family. So notice how can be opposite.

Your family may have done everything for you, so you're fragile or your family did nothing for you. And that's why you hurt and wounded and therefore have become fragile. Now the word fragile is really interesting. The reason why I use fragile is because fragile doesn't mean something's not beautiful. Sometimes the most beautiful things

can be the most fragile. Sometimes the most talented people can be the most fragile. How many times if you open a box that says fragile, will you find something remarkable inside? So notice, fragile doesn't make you not remarkable. Fragile doesn't make you not remarkable. Fragile doesn't make you not amazing. Fragile means you could be as incredible and phenomenal as you are, but that you're wounded, you're hurt. And instead of trying to build the confidence yourself,

you're expecting someone else to do it for you. This is the person that constantly seeks validation. This is the person that constantly seeks assurance. Consistently doesn't find any joy in their own experience, their own company, but always needs the other person to do the work. And often this is comforting in the beginning. We feel we found the person when we find a fixer and The fixer does exactly what we want They embrace us. They take care of our every need They provide everything so we don't have to do it ourselves and then They leave us

They leave us because they can't handle it Not realizing that was partly their responsibility to But now we think I'm hurt again. I have partly there of responsibility to, but now we think, I'm hurt again. I have to find someone else to take care of me. I have to find someone else to help me survive this. I must discover someone else who can do this better than this person. So you end up in a constant spiral of looking for someone to fix you. You feel broken and you want someone to stick the parts of you together and you keep letting someone else stick the parts together and then when they leave you, you keep letting them break your

parts apart. You never learn to grow yourself. You never learn to take responsibility for your own happiness, your own joy, and your own success. And you always think it's someone else's fault that you haven't got to where you are. This is also familiar with the victim mindset. We believe that everything bad is happening to us and there's no way out. So the fragile child mentality puts us in a very weak position because it stops us from taking responsibility for our own growth. It stops us from taking accountability for

our own lives. It restricts us from taking charge. It's almost like saying, I never learned how to drive because people always drove me around. And now that I have to drive, I'm scared because I've never done it before. If you've always had someone drive your car for your life, the metaphorical car of life, then that's exactly how you feel when someone leaves you. So the antidote to the fragile mentality is saying, what are the wounds that I can learn to heal? Where have I been broken that I can create breakthroughs? Where have I experienced pain that I can learn to find my own answers?

Let me not look for my solace and my healing in another person. Let me find it in my own purpose. Let me find it in my own purpose. Let me find it in my own practices and rituals. Let me find it in my own passion. Let me not outsource my own joy. So the three steps to moving from the fragile to the supporter or the fragile to the facilitator, the first step is looking back and thinking, what are the areas of my life that I'm always seeking validation from? Where are those areas, is my education, is my looks?

And what am I going to do for myself in those areas to build my own confidence? Maybe I'm going to work out more. Maybe I'm going to eat healthier. Maybe I'm going to study harder. What am I going to do for myself to see myself that way? We all want everyone else to see us as attractive and smart and brilliant. What do I need to do to see myself as attractive, smart and brilliant? Right? If you reorganize that, it's the abs. Right? Everyone's abs. Want to be perceived as attractive. And I don't just mean physically.

I mean, we want to be attractive to others. We want to feel brilliant to others. And we want to feel smart to others. But how can I feel attractive, brilliant and smart to myself? What do I need to do? What do I need to learn? What are the skills that I need to invest in? What do I need to develop that helps me generate that confidence and validation within myself?

Rather than waiting for everyone else in the world to validate me and assure me and set myself up to find another fixer, how can I grow? So what ends up happening is the fragile finds the fixer. The fixer tries to help the fragile for a while. The fixer then runs out of energy and the fragile feels despondent. All what happens is a fixer meets a fixer. When a fixer meets a fixer, they both drive each other crazy. Because they both want to improve each other more and more and more. You're not working hard enough. You don't make enough money.

Oh, well, you need to improve this. No, you need to improve that. Instead of fixing themselves and growing, they're trying to fix the other person. And in the third case, when the fragile meets the fragile, they both don't feel less sense of home because they're both looking to the other, but they're like, wait a minute, you're too anxious for me. Because they're insecure about dealing with their own anxiety and their own stress and their own pressure. When they meet someone else who has that same experience, they go, oh, I can't deal with this because now I've got two of this. And

we don't even realize that. They usually think, I'm fine. That person's too anxious. So these are the scenarios we find ourselves in. And of course, when we want to rise to the facilitator or the supporter, I've shared with you how to switch, but let's talk about that. The supporter realizes that they want to do everything they can to help, but it's not their responsibility. They want to facilitate and help grow and invest, but they don't judge themselves personally with the result. They're there for that person, but they're't judge themselves personally with the result. They're there for that person,

but they're also there for themselves. Their purpose is their priority, the person, and their purpose is their own priority. They prioritize their purpose and they remind the person to prioritize theirs. It's full of reminders and cues and noticing rather than doing it for the other person. Telling you, part and, hey, I just want to make sure that you get a workout in today. That's different than being the person who leads the workouts and stops doing your own life. A partner and supporter first is stable themselves

and then uses that stability to help the other person. The difference between the supporter and the fixer is the fixer thinks they can solve everything. The supporter acknowledges what they can help with and what they can't, what they can facilitate and what they can't. The fixer obsessives over all of their partner's flaws. The supporter is patient as they find their own feet and find their own growth as their

partner discovers their own path. The supporter is what we all want to head towards, what we want to grow into and understand better. A partner in a relationship communicates as an equal. When we take on parental communication, our partners talk to us like children. When we take on childlike communication, when we act like children, our partners become parents. Partners communicate with equality.

They communicate with responsibility. They communicate as a team. Not as a coach in a student. They communicate as a coach in a student. It communicate as a team. Your partner is always teaching you, but you're always teaching them. And when you both understand you're both teaching and learning at the same time, that's when you create a partnership. I really hope that this podcast was helpful today.

I really hope it makes you make sense of some of the interactions. This week try to elevate your interactions to supporter and facilitator. Every time you see yourself being fragile or the fixer, rise to be the supporter and the facilitator. And notice how your relationship changes. Thank you so much for listening on purpose. I hope you'll leave a review. If this had an impact on you.

I'm so grateful that we got to spend this time together and I can't wait for the next week's episodes. Thank you so much. What if you could tell the whole truth about your life, including all those tender invisible things we don't usually talk about? I'm Megan Devine. Host of the podcast, it's okay that you're not okay. Look, everyone's at least a little bit not okay these days, and all those things we don't

usually talk about, maybe we should. This season, I'm joined by Stellar, Gas like Abormata, Rachel Cargol, and so many more. It's okay that you're not okay. New episodes each and every Monday, available on the iHeartRadio app, or wherever you listen to podcasts. I'm Eva Longoria. And I'm Maite Gomes-Rajon. We're so excited to introduce you to our new podcast, Hungry for History! On every episode, we're exploring some of our favorite dishes, ingredients, beverages from our Mexican culture. We'll share personal memories and family stories, decode culinary customs, and even provide a recipe or two for you to try at home.

Listen to Hungry for History on the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. The therapy for Black Girls podcast is your space to explore mental health, personal development, and all of the small decisions we can make to become the best possible versions of ourselves. I'm your host, Dr. Joy Harden Bradford, a licensed psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia, and I can't wait for you to join the conversation every Wednesday. Listen to the Therap therapy for Black Girls podcast on the iHart Radio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your podcast. Take good care.