On Purpose with Jay Shetty - 3 Reasons Why Compatibility Is More Important Than Chemistry

Episode Date: March 22, 2019

How do you know when you’ve found the one or if you’re even compatible with someone?Whether you’re messaging someone on a dating app, dating someone right now, or you’ve been with someone for a while, knowing why compatibility is important is key.Today we’ll look at 3 reasons why compatibility is more important than chemistry and how you can apply this knowledge to your next relationship or strengthen your current one.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Regardless of the progress you've made in life, I believe we could all benefit from wisdom on handling common problems. Making life seem more manageable, now more than ever. I'm Eric Zimmer, host of the One You Feed Podcast, where I interview thought-provoking guests who offer practical wisdom that you can use to create the life you want. 25 years ago, I was homeless and addicted to heroin. I've made my way through addiction recovery, learned to navigate my clinical depression, and figured out how to build a fulfilling life. The one you feed has over 30 million downloads and was named one of the best podcasts by Apple Podcast.

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Join me on this journey. Listen to the one you feed on the I Heart Radio app Apple Podcast or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Jay Shetty and on my podcast on purpose, I've had the honor to sit down with some of or wherever you get your podcasts. The books they read and the people that made a difference in their lives so that they can make a difference in hours. Listen to on purpose with Jay Shetty on the iHeart Radio app Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. Join the journey soon. Hey, it's Debbie Brown, host of the Deeply Well Podcast, where we hold conscious conversations with leaders and radical healers and wellness around topics that are meant to expand and support you on your well-being journey.

Deeply well is your soft place to land, to work on yourself without judgment, to heal, to learn, to grow, to become who you deserve to be. Deeply well with Debbie Brown is available now on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you listen to podcasts. Namaste. We expect the one to be the only one. This is one of the biggest mistakes we make in relationships. Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose.

Thank you so much for being a listener of this podcast and I don't believe that you're just a passive listener. I believe that if you're listening to this podcast, you're an active changemaker. You're changing the way your family thinks, your community thinks, your friends think you're having a positive impact in the world. I'm genuinely so grateful to each and every single one of you. Thank you so much for being here. Today's podcast is all about how to know

when you've found the one. How do you know when you're compatible with someone? How many times have you been out on a date and felt, I don't know if I felt that elusive chemistry. Or how many times have you been messaging someone and thinking to yourself, I feel like this lacks connection. Or how many times have you met up with someone a couple of times and then just felt there wasn't

that spark. See, we struggle to find out whether we have compatibility, connection, chemistry or a spark with someone, because most of our visions of these things are brought by the media we consume, by the movies we watch, by the songs we listen to, and by what we see in front of us. But it's so important that we get some key indicators based on some wisdom, based on some science that allow us to figure out whether we're actually compatible with someone.

See, there are patterns of compatibility that have been there for decades. And when we look to those, we start finding out what are the true points of connection. So now, rather than looking for that elusive chemistry, rather than looking for that spark of connection, rather than looking for that spark of connection, that we don't always find straight away, we can actually start measuring the right things.

One of the biggest challenges when we first meet someone and we start dating them, is that we're looking for the wrong things to work and missing out on what could be working. How many times have you been with someone and then realized actually, they were quite nice, even if I didn't feel that connection or sparks straight away. Or maybe it was the other way around, maybe you met someone and there was a spark immediately, but then that person turned out to be someone you didn't expect them to be. It's amazing how these

things rule our minds and our lives. And so I wanted to shed some light today on how to know you found the one and how to know if you're compatible with someone. These are just a new set of indicators that I'd love for you to use, a new set of signals, a new set of guides when you're meeting someone. So whether you're messaging someone on a dating app, whether you're dating someone right now,

or whether this is even someone you've been with for a while, these are great tips and tools for you to measure your relationship. And of course, what you can do, if you're already in a long-term relationship, you can apply these to your relationship to deepen it further. See, we've never learned enough or done enough.

You never get to a point where you can say, I know my partner and they know me. You never get to a point of you can say, I know my partner and they know me. You never get to a point of saying, I trust them fully and they trust me fully. Trust is something that needs to be built daily. It can also be broken daily. Just like we need to shower daily to stay clean, just like we need to brush our teeth daily to keep them clean, just like we need to eat daily to feel nourished. We need to build trust daily. We need to deepen our relationship daily. These are all daily things.

They're part of the process. There is no plateau. There is no platform of consistent. So compatibility is a daily commitment to making something work. It's not just like, oh, we're compatible. Now everything's perfect. Compatibility is the genuine desire to say to yourself and add a point in my life where this relationship feels right and I'm willing to make it work, whatever it takes.

Now, think of relationships in your past where even though everything around it was great, it came to a point where you just said to yourself, I can't do this anymore. I feel drained by this relationship. Like giving energy to this relationship is actually draining me. It's taking energy away from me. It's actually stripping me of all the enthusiasm I have and I'm losing that daily.

Rather than a big part of compatibility is the more energy you give to that relationship, the more energy you gain every single day to keep putting it back in. And it's so important in a relationship that you have to be at the same commitment level to find love, to find the one. You need an equal commitment to being a couple. That commitment or feeling like you want to make this work has to go both ways. And this is why I've been focusing so much on, don't try to convince someone you love them

when you can't follow up on that. Don't convince someone they're special if you can't make them feel that for a longer period of time. Be careful about how much you show someone in that first instance. So one of the biggest mistakes we make is that we completely confuse compatibility and chemistry. And today I'm talking about compatibility because that's long-term genuine authentic relationships, whereas we actually feel chemistry with a lot

more people that we may even just bump into. And we see this all the time, right? That you may just be at the gym, you may just be at a bar, you may be at a restaurant, and you may feel chemistry with someone, even someone who's passing by. But that doesn't mean you will have an effective relationship with them. And the funny thing is only one in three men and only one in five women can accurately detect when someone of the opposite sex is flirting with them. Now, when you hear that, you'll probably think you are those one in three men or one in five women, but I promise you the chances are you might not be.

Only 18% of women can accurately detect someone flirting with them, and only 36% of men can accurately detect someone flirting with them. So going back to this point about chemistry versus compatibility. So this is what the matrix look like. If we broke this down into four boxes, imagine a relationship of low chemistry and low compatibility.

That relationship devoid not only of intimacy, but probably basic conversation too. On the rare occasion, this does happen, and it doesn't last long. The second one, which is a slight step up, is where you have high chemistry, but low compatibility. This is when it feels so right, you know it's also wrong. It's like in the first instance,

you feel like this person's gonna be the one you feel that rush of energy, but when you start to get to know them more, you recognize that they don't have the when you start to get to know them more, you recognize that they don't have the personality, they don't have the characteristics and the qualities of someone you want to spend time with. The third area of the matrix, remember there's four quadrants, the third one is low chemistry and high compatibility.

This is boring. Sometimes it feels like companionship. The entire relationship is comprised of discussions about Netflix and shopping and just the daily planning of what we're going to eat and what we're going to do. And then of course, we have high chemistry and high compatibility. Of course, we all know that this is what we want. This is what we want to experience. Now, what we have to realize is that the two quadrants

I mentioned before this last one can be escalated and elevated into this fourth quadrant. So if you have high chemistry but low compatibility, that low compatibility element can grow if that person and you are willing to grow. And the low chemistry and the high compatibility also can be grown by increasing chemistry. But the point is that we really want to find a relationship that is based on compatibility because that's going to help us have the deep foundation and building blocks of what we truly looking for. So what is compatibility based on? Here we go. One of the biggest things, believe it or not, is communication style. A study published in Psychological Science

finds that people who speak and write in similar styles are more compatible. The study was conducted at the University of Texas at Austin and it examined the way people communicated and the language they use. They found that 80% of couples whose writing styles matched were still together after three months. Now I'm not saying that you first get your partner to write your check or sign their name on a bill or whatever it may be to judge them.

But why is this point resonating? When we communicate in the same way, this doesn't just mean using the same words or the same language. It means with the same style. Do we speak about conflict in the same way? Do we have similar views of how to discuss and have debates? Do we have a similar communication style or approach to dealing with arguments? For example, even if one person stays quiet in an argument to process it and someone else needs to talk, even though their styles are different, the approach they're both taking is they want to process what's happening. That means that relationship is more likely to withstand all the conflict arguments and fights that are bound to arise in any normal relationship. Writing and speaking

styles can indicate future dating behavior because it's developed through social interactions and education. Nichols agrees that language style similarities are important. Conversation stimulation needs to be at the same peaks. It's a highly requested item. Now that doesn't mean that if you went to the same university or college or you worked at the same company that you're going to get along, it's not as basic as that. It's far more subtle and refined. Your communication style and approach are going to be shown by how you deal with the day-to-day types of conversation. Also, you may find it when someone has different knowledge that's stimulating to you, but the point is you're still stimulated by knowledge. One of the biggest pressures we make in

our relationships is also that we expect the one to be the only one. This is one of the biggest mistakes we make in relationships. We expect the one to be the only one. We expect the one to be everything. We want our partner to be the most philosophical discussion we can have, the most fun we can have, the most active and energetic we can have, and we want them to be everything. Guess what? They can't be everything and neither can you.

When you put that pressure onto your partner, you've got to expect that pressure back. And guess what, we're going to keep letting each other down. I know my own life, whenever I've expected my partner to be perfect and have every skill, I'm let down. And if they expect that of me, they're let down too. Instead, it's so important to find the deep need that this partner is compatible with you for,

and any other needs you have make sure that you're finding those needs in other people. For example, if I want to have a lot of fun, be really active and have an engaging conversation, I love speaking to my wife, but if I want to get into the most deeply philosophical debate in the world, then I go and find one of my monk friends and have that discussion with them. It's not that my wife can't have deeply philosophical discussions. She can, she's amazing. But the truth is that if I really want to get down into it, I need to speak to someone who's then expert in that field.

Another thing, I absolutely love movies. I love movies that bend your mind and challenge your beliefs. And I may have friends that want to do that more than my wife. Same with football. I am a huge soccer football fan. And whenever I'm watching football or playing football, that's not something that my partner may be interested in. So I'm building a community around that.

It's so important that we do this. And this is why I always say, whenever I'm speaking about relationships, stop trying to find the right person. First, be the right person. Instead of being with someone who makes you happy, first be someone who makes you happy. When you know what makes you happy and what you need, you will find friends, find a community, find tribe that help you live that. You won't expect your partner to be everything. The therapy for Black Girls podcast is the destination for all things mental health, personal development, and all of the small decisions we can make to become the

best possible versions of ourselves. Here, we have the conversations that help Black women dig a little deeper into the most impactful relationships in our lives, those with our parents, our partners, our children, our friends, and most importantly ourselves. We chat about things like what to do with a friendship ends, how to know when it's time to break up with your therapist, and how to end the cycle of perfectionism. I'm your host, Dr. Joy Harden Bradford, a licensed psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia, and I can't wait for you to join the conversation every Wednesday.

Listen to the Therapy for Black Girls Podcast on the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your podcasts. Take good care. How's that New Year's resolution coming along? You know, the one you made about paying off your pesky credit card debt and finally starting to save your retirement? Well, you're not alone if you haven't made progress yet, roughly four in five New Year's resolutions fail within the first month or two. But that doesn't have to be the case for you and your goals, our podcast, How to Money can help. That's right, we're two best buds who've been at it for more than five years now, and we want to see you achieve your money goals, and it's our goal to provide the information

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how you want to communicate about challenges, and how you want to communicate about the good things. When you have a good approach to communication, that will simplify your life through all the arguments, all the issues and all the challenges that are bound to arise in any normal relationship. The second principle of compatibility is personal goals. Having similar interests is important, but nickel stresses that being at the same place in life is more important. Listen to this really, really carefully. It's not just about liking the same things. It's about being in a similar place in life, meaning that you're looking forward and ready for the next phase together. Now, often in a relationship, one of you is further behind or further forward. So now whatever situation

you're in, whether you need to be pulled up or whether you're doing the pulling up, you just have to recognize you have to be ready for what that looks like. If you've chosen to be with someone who isn't at the same stage in life, whether they're ahead or behind, which is absolutely fine, you have to recognize what that takes. So if you're already in a relationship, don't worry, this doesn't mean that you're not going to last, this doesn't mean that your relationship can't work, it can work just fine. It's just that you have to be aware of the responsibility that comes with that. So if you are with someone in the same chapter in life and you have similar goals or dreams, more importantly, do you respect each other's goals and dreams as priorities?

It's important to know your own and it's important to know your partners. Now, if one partner is driven a very different way and doesn't have the respect and support of the other, it can become very, very difficult. In an article from the Greater Good Science Center, University of California, Berkeley, Amy Gordon, MA writes, When a situation requires sacrifice from you or your partner, the two of you may not be equally invested in the outcome. As you navigate the situation, make sure you're both clear about your own desires and priorities. When partners aren't on the same page and open up about their desires and priorities,

the relationship is strained and jealousy happens. One or both always feel pushed. Now the important thing here is, so often people say, yes, I'm fine with the sacrifice. Oh, I can do that, I can push that, and we do this to be people pleases. We do this so that the other person thinks, oh my God, you're amazing, you're so nice,

you're so giving, you're so generous. And then later on, reality kicks in. We say, remember when I sacrificed that for you? Remember when I gave that up for you? Remember when I worked so hard for you? Remember when I put my dreams aside for you? But guess what? You said you would do that.

Don't say anything you don't mean. It's so important because at that point in time, if you meant it and you said it, and you expected your partner to read in between the lines and know that later on, you are not going to mean it. You're setting yourself up for major complications. And this is a really important point of relationships. They have to be a team. They have to be a partnership. They have to be together. I just

posted on Instagram today, date the person who tells you to be safe when you go out, not the one who gets mad, partnership, not ownership. Relationships are a team sport. They're a team game. They're a team effort. It's not about ownership. It's about partnership. So you never want a partner that says something like,

you wouldn't have this if it wasn't for me. We wouldn't have all this if I didn't work hard. A relationship is where both partners value the value that both people bring. And I spoke about this in my podcast with my wife as well. When I talked about how she really infuses our whole relationship with spiritual energy, she's so highly deeply focused on her meditation, her prayer, and her connection that she's always bringing that to the relationship. And that's very intangible. The reason why I give that example is that it's intangible. It's not an amount. It's not quantifiable, but I value it so deeply into what it brings.

Right? And it's so important to notice that and recognize that. So in this point about personal goals and teamwork, the reason a relationship is compatible is when both people help each other achieve their goals and make it a priority for them to be one of those goals together. That's how it works best. When you have your goals, they have theirs, you help them reach theirs, and then you both together are one of your goals together. That's the only way it will work. That's a huge, huge, blessed thing. It's a huge, huge thing to work towards. And I highly, highly recommend that whatever relationship you're in, it can be worked to this point

if you're willing to work. So if you're listening to me right now and you're going, Jay, my current relationship is not anything like that. Oh my God, I'm so scared now. I'm with the wrong person. Don't worry, you can get there if you want to work. And you've got to introduce your partner,

maybe to this podcast, maybe to another podcast, maybe to a book that's going to help you both push there together. It's so, so important. The third principle of compatibility is honesty and comfort in expressing one's self. If you're with someone where you can't be honest or express yourself and you're packing that all in and you're congesting it all internally, that's going to explode one day or at one point. And sometimes we've made it seem like our partner can't deal with it.

When actually when we take that step and do it in the right way, oh my God, things absolutely change. Sometimes it's just in our heads that we can't share it with them. And when we do, it actually makes a big difference. And one of the best ways to do this is using the acronym THINK. So this is one of my favorite acronyms when you're communicating honestly with your partners. I want you to think before you speak and this is what think stands for. T stands for is it true? Before you speak, ask yourself what you're about to say is it true or is it your opinion? And therefore it's better to frame

whatever you're saying saying this is how I feel as opposed to this is the way it is. Sometimes when we express our anger instead of explain our anger, we end up saying things as if they're true when there are actually opinions or feelings. So it's important that we explain our anger, not just express it. The second letter in think is H. And what H stands for is, is it helpful? Are you saying it in a constructive, helpful way, or are you saying it in a hurtful way? Choose helpful over hurtful every single time. The I in think stands for, is it inspiring? Are you saying it in a way that you're now both inspired and aspiring for an incredible relationship. The end in thinkers, is it necessary? Have you really thought about this,

or is it just something that's bothering you right now? Is it something that's not gonna bother you in a day or five days? And that's usually a good way to think about it. If something's bothering you right now, but it's not bothering you in five days, is it worth bringing up? Because otherwise, we're seen to be complaining

and just being overly honest all the time. And then K in think, is it kind? Are you saying it with kindness? Another thing to add to this is, are you the right person to communicate it? Are they going to hear this message better through someone else? Are they going to hear it better through one of my videos or this podcast or a book?

Are they going to hear it better through another person? The second question is, have you chosen the right time and space to say it? Often we have this in our home when it's actually better to choose a neutral space. Also, is it the right time? Is that person going through something already stressful and already hectic and already filled with pressure? These are all the reflections you wanna have when you're being honest in your relationship

because it makes it easier to disagree, debate, and discuss. It makes it easier for you to be upfront when something bothers you, but you're doing it in a constructive way. The way you do it with someone you love, the way you do it with someone you wanna be with for the rest of your life. See, when you see it as a team,

you no longer wanna be one up on the other person. No one in their own team is saying, hey, I'm too up, you're down. You say that against your opponent. You don't want to be dealing with the partner that you're with for the rest of your life or someone you want to spend a considerable amount of time with. You don't want to be talking to them or acting in that way. And so being honest requires an approach that allows you to do it in the most beautiful way. And this includes giving your partner space

when they need it and getting space when you need it. All of these are really, really important traits for having a compatible relationship. So don't get caught up in just wanting chemistry. Don't get caught up in just wanting the spark and the joy. I'm not saying it shouldn't be there. I'm not saying it doesn't be there. I'm not saying it doesn't exist. I'm saying that there is more to it because we've all been in situations where we felt

the chemistry, we felt the spark. But after that, there was nothing else there. There was no fire, there was no glow, there was no light, there was no warmth. Chemistry is such a powerful force that many of us confuse it with compatibility. And we think if it doesn't have chemistry, it's not going to work. So the three principles of compatibility that I want you to focus on today and take away with you from today's episode are these three. Whether you're in a relationship, you're dating or you're thinking about being in a relationship, remember this. Communication style and approach. Do you discuss things in the same way? Do you approach things with the same way? Again, that is something that can be learned and

grown towards. The second is personal goals. Are you at a similar stage in life? Are you looking to do the similar types of things? Not just in, are you both trying to be accountants or business people or entrepreneurs? It's, are you coming from the same intention, which is really, really important because then there will be deeper value. Is it a team sport? Is it a team effort? Is this something you're working with together? And the third is, is it someone you can be truly honest with? When someone asks you, can you be yourself with them? What we're really saying is, can you be honest with them? Can you be authentic with them? Being yourself with someone doesn't just mean being funny and being cute and being goofy. It means, can you honestly express how you feel to that person without the fear

of being judged, pushed back, or unheard. Do you feel that when you share your insight, you will be listened to. Do you feel that they will actually take an interest in understanding where you're coming from? Remember, it's a partnership, it's a team, it's not about being one up on each other. I hope that this episode has helped in understanding compatibility versus chemistry. Thank you so much for listening. I'm so excited that you've listened all the way. Make sure you share your best insights on Instagram.

I'm always looking for some of them and sharing them on my Instagram page as well. Make sure you've subscribed. Make sure you've rated. Make sure you're reviewed. And please, please, please, share this with people who it's going to help. I'm doing this from a place of service wanting to have a deep impact in your lives. I hope this is meaningful and fulfilling. Thank you so much. It means so much to me. Take care. Have an amazing week. Look out for the next episode. The world of chocolate has been turned upside down.

A very unusual situation. You saw the stacks of cash in our office. Chocolate comes from the cacao tree, recently Variety's cacao fought to have been lost centuries ago where we discovered in the Amazon. Now some chocolate makers are racing deep into the jungle to find the next game changing chocolate and I'm coming along. Listen to obsessionsessions, wild chocolate, on the High Heart Radio app, Apple podcasts,

or wherever you get your podcast. I am Dr. Romani, and I am back with season two of my podcast, Navigating Narcissism. This season, we dive deeper into highlighting red flags and spotting a narcissist before they spot you. Each week, you'll hear stories from survivors who have navigated through toxic relationships, gaslighting, love bombing, and their process of healing.

Listen to Navigating Narcissism on the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. What do a flirtatious gambling double agent in World War II? An opera singer who burned down an honorary to Kit-Nap her lover, and a pirate queen who walked free with all of her spoils, haven't comment. They're all real women who were left out of your history books. You can hear these stories and more on the Womanica podcast. Check it out on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts,

or wherever you listen.