On Purpose with Jay Shetty - 3 Reasons Why Your Partner Is Closed Off From You & 6 Steps To Steps To Opening Up

Episode Date: August 28, 2020

Have you ever flown through a no-fly zone? Not many of us have, but in today's episode Jay Shetty reminds us that we navigate them every day in our relationships with others. Learning the right way to go about it is crucial. Being in a relationship has its ups and downs. It is how you respond to those ebbs and flows that will help determine your relationship’s success. Today you'll learn Jay Shetty’s six steps to resolving relationship no-fly zones. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

I'm Eva Longoria. And I'm Maite Gomes-Rajon. We're so excited to introduce you to our new podcast, Hungry For History! On every episode, we're exploring some of our favorite dishes, ingredients, beverages from our Mexican culture. We'll share personal memories and family stories, decode culinary customs, and even provide a recipe or two

for you to try at home. Listen to Hungry For History on the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. When my daughter ran off to hop trains, I was terrified I'd never see her again, so I followed her into the train yard. This is what it sounds like inside the box cart. And into the city of the rails.

There I found a surprising world, so brutal and beautiful, that it changed me. But the rails do that to everyone. There is another world out there. And if you want to play with the devil, you're going to find them there in the rail yard. And then I'll more come with me to find out what waits for us in the city of the rails.

Listen to city of the rails, on the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcast. Or, cityoftherails.com. The therapy for Black Girls podcast is your space to explore mental health, personal development, and all of the small decisions we can make to become the best possible versions of ourselves. I'm your host, Dr. Joy Harden Bradford,

a licensed psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia, and I can't wait for you to join the conversation every Wednesday. Listen to the therapy for Black Girls podcast on the iHart Radio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your podcast. Take good care. The problem with no fly zones is that they hold us back from that deeper level of commitment Take it care. stood or I feel like we can talk about anything. But then we create and live with

these no fly zones. Hey everyone, welcome back to on purpose. I am so happy that you're listening today. I'm sitting here recording this from my studio at home and whether you're cooking, whether you're cleaning, whether you're jogging, whether you're running, whether you're at the gym, whether you're at your laptop, whether you're editing, whatever you're up to, I am so glad that you decided to lend me your ears for this time. I feel so grateful to have such an incredible community that we have right here. And it's amazing because we've got over 13,000 five-star

reviews. And if you haven't left a review, please, please, please go into it. It makes a huge difference to the show. And so if you can go and leave a review of your favorite episode, and I'm going to read a couple out because I think it's a beautiful thing that I get to do here. So let's have a look. So this one says gratitude from sin pavillolo. I listen to Jay's podcast on my way to work in the vanpool as I sit in the back when I'm meditating to help me really listen without letting my mind wander. I hear so many profound aha moments when I hear him and all the amazing guests speak such impactful words that I will add it to my notes in my phone. The message goes on to say, I pre-ordered the book and I'm so excited to get it.

Thank you for being you, Jay, and following your heart purpose with no fear. That means the most to me. Thank you so much. Okay, and this other one is from Swiss cheese. Immediately, I was impressed. It doesn't take long to understand that Jay is very experienced within his field. And that's why I went ahead and pre-ordered his new book. This is exactly the enlightenment I've been seeking to help guide me towards being a better person, a better father and a better companion. Jay's teachings are so relevant to anyone and everyone.

There's something for everyone to gain. I look forward to the journey ahead. Well, thank you to all of you who've left review so far. Thank you to those who pre-order the book. I can't believe we're literally less than two weeks away. Maybe, yeah, just over a week away from the book being out. I really hope you're going to go and grab a copy. And today's theme is all about how no fly zones are hurting your relationship and six steps to cleaning the air.

Now, just about every relationship has them. They're those topics or those people we just can't talk about with our partner or spouse or our boyfriend or girlfriend because every time these topics come up, it turns into a fight. You already know which ones they are for you. According to marriage and family therapist,

Dr. John Gottman, 69% of marriage conflicts are about ongoing problems and never get resolved. Think about that. 69% of the issues we fight about are never resolved. They just keep coming up over and over and over again. And I bet a lot of you who are married or in long-term relationships or who are thinking back to past relationships are like, Jay, I definitely believe that. So what do we do about all these unresolved problems? Unfortunately, much of the time,

we just give up. We simply stop talking about them. We avoid them hoping that they're never going to come up again until that awkward family dinner where someone brings that name up or someone brings that topic up. John Gottman calls these issues gridlocked perpetual problems. I call them no-fly zones. Maybe you have one or more no-fly zones in your relationships and you think it's fine. As long as we stay away from these topics or we don't talk about these people, we're okay. Maybe we think it's even healthy.

Having no fly zones is keeping us from fighting and that's good, right? But the problem with no fly zones is that they hold us back from that deeper level of commitment that so many of us want to experience, but often are afraid of. So many people tell me, Jay, I want to experience, but often are afraid of so many people tell me, Jay, I want to have that kind of relationship where I know the other person has

my back where I feel understood where I feel like we can talk about anything. How many of you are one of those people? But then we create and live with these no fly zones and those two things, wanting that deep, honest, committed relationship and having no fly zones. And those two things, wanting that deep, honest, committed relationship and having no fly zones are mutually exclusive. They do not work together. Because this is what happens.

Though we think these things are fine because we're not fighting about them, things are not fine. If you ever watched the show Friends, there was an episode where Monica, who's sort of the obsessively clean and tidy person, where her friends find out that she's got this locked closet that you won't let anyone into. Her friends, of course, spend the whole time trying to find out what's in the closet and even to

break in. And when the closet's finally opened, all of this junk comes spilling out. Monica tried to create this illusion of perfection, but all along she was hiding this dark secret. And in the show, it was funny. But so many of us do that in real life. And if you've ever done that, if you've tried to keep something hidden, if there was something you just wouldn't talk about, whether about yourself or in your relationship, it doesn't really stay hidden, right? Maybe no one physically sees it, but it can become a source of emotional stress and shame. Most of us have known that couple where everything seemed great,

and then all of a sudden they announce they're splitting up. Maybe that's been you. I know, I've been in that situation in the past. We can get really good at hiding and burying what's going wrong. And one way we do this is through these note fly zones. Now, not everything a couple of bickers will argue about is a note fly zone, right?

I've mentioned before that one of the things that I do that bugs Radee is that sometimes when I'm deeply interested in a topic and I'm studying and reading about it, I'll have all of these books and articles out and instead of putting them away, I'll forget and leave them out. And I tried to remember to clean them up, but sometimes I'm in a rush or I know I'm going

to come back to them and we'll have a little argument about it. But that's not a no-fly zone. That's just a recurring challenge or issue which I really need to sort out. Every couple has those. And it's just a function of being two people who are different, spending a lot of time together, coming from different backgrounds and different walks of life with different expectations. Now, if you have siblings, I'm sure you had some of those with your siblings growing up too. A no-fly zone is when something is so upsetting or polarizing or causes such friction between you

that you purposefully avoid it. Now, some no-fly zones can get downright ridiculous. My friends, parents actually got into a fight over, get this. It's a true story. Over the apocalypse. A few years ago, her family was sitting around and someone asked the question, if there was a nuclear attack or some kind of horrible plague, and you had the choice of living through it, but living with a deformity or several deformities or of being killed immediately, which would you choose?

My friend's father chose one way. He'd said he'd stick around and deal with the deformities. And the mother said she'd rather die right away. And they were each really upset about how the other answered and they thought about it for hours. I'm totally serious. It got so bad it became this thing they can't talk about. Like my friend said she can't bring it up or they'll fight about it again. Okay, that's a pretty ridiculous example. But for that couple, there's something at the core of the argument that gets to something about their relationship. It's not about the apocalypse, but about some belief they each have and that's why it's so polarizing

Maybe it's the fact that they chose different situations and challenging circumstances But more common no-fly zones are things like every time the topic of your partners or your spouse's mother comes up You shut down or they shut down or you get angry. Or here's another big one, money. If every time the topic of money or finances come up, you fight and so you avoid the topic altogether. And again, I know some of you out there are not in going, yeah, I get that. That's my situation. So why do we do this? Why can't we just resolve these issues and get on with it?

Well, according to psychologists, Leon Soutser, writing in psychology today, there are three primary reasons couples have recurring fights. The first is that we learned it from our parents. Growing up, most of us saw our parents fight. Maybe it was rare, or maybe it happened a lot. But if when our parents fought, if instead of working through their issues, they would dig in their heels and things would go unresolved, we may have internalized the idea that there

are just some issues that can't be fixed. We also might have gotten the idea, that's just what couples do. And again, I know some of you are nodding. I know for me it was the opposite. Seeing my parents argue showed me the type of argument that I didn't want to have with my wife and I would consistently say to Rady that I don't want to be in that situation. I don't want us to have that kind of relationship and we can find a way out and that's what we've always prioritized and tried to make work for us. And we're working progress, too.

If growing up, our parents didn't model for us how to resolve conflicts effectively, where would we have learned to do that? If we didn't pick it up or educate ourselves or learn about it in another relationship, how would we know how to resolve longstanding or repeat conflicts? So, the solution for that is to first notice the pattern.

Think back to how your parents fought and whether they effectively resolved conflict or whether they had no fly zones. And we'll get into how to get rid of no fly zones in a few minutes. But just noticing the pattern can be really powerful and that awareness is important and we'll come back to that in a minute. But first, according to Dr. Soutser, the second reason we have recurring fights is that we feel emotionally threatened. We get angry with our partner when our ego is under attack and anger and defensiveness are how we protect ourselves.

Here's a really common example. Exes, right? How many people do you know who fight over exes? It's so common. Some people can't even mention the name of an ex before their partner is up in arms with anger. Maybe that's a no-fly zone in your relationship. Barring any actual press pass, meaning assuming your partner didn't have any kind of

infidelity with this person in the past or the exes and actively pursuing an inappropriate relationship with your partner, the reason we often get so upset about exes is our own jealousy and insecurity. It comes down to our ego. For some of us, it's painful to even acknowledge that our partner even had a romantic life before us. And so we protect ourselves from our own insecurity with anger. We gone the attack. As Salsa writes, anger immunizes us from vulnerability. And that's what we're really avoiding, right?

We don't want to hear that other person's name, that exes name, because it makes us feel insecure and vulnerable, and it makes us feel even more vulnerable to think about telling our partner how we truly feel. So we cover it with anger and sometimes we also go on the attack. We might say something nasty or insulting about the X like they were not attractive or not smart or accused our partner or espouse of not loving us. It's not just about X's that we can get angry. There are loads of issues that can make us feel vulnerable. Maybe our spouse or partner questions

how much money we make or spend. That's a huge one, right? And we can hear that as criticism and get angry and defensive. Maybe their point or their question is valid or maybe they are really being hypercritical. Here are some interesting statistics about money in relationships from Compare Camp. Couples who argue about finances at least once a week are 30% more likely to get divorced. Additionally, in America, of those who have gotten a divorce within the last five years,

59% of them said have gotten a divorce within the last five years, 59% of them said finances played a role. Incidentally, the highest divorce rates internationally, regardless of reason, are in Russia. Of the top 10, the US comes in at number 9, followed by China. No European countries make the top 10, but Portugal has the highest divorce rate in Europe. But regardless of what we fight about, as Celta says, when we're communicating from a space of anger, we're not listening.

So one of the ways to resolve that is to stay calm when we talk about hot button issues. Easier said than done, right? But we need to get grounded so that even if we disagree with what our partner is telling us, we can respond from that space of calm, instead of defensiveness. I'm Dr. Romani and I am back with season two of my podcast Navigating Narcissism. Narcissists are everywhere and their toxic behavior and words can cause serious harm to your mental health. In our first season, we heard from Eileen Charlotte, who was loved by the Tinder Swindler. The worst part is that he can only be guilty for stealing the money from me, but he cannot be guilty for the mental part he did.

And that's even way worse than the money he took. But I am here to help. As a licensed psychologist and survivor of narcissistic abuse myself, I know how to identify the narcissists in your life. Each week you will hear stories from survivors who have navigated through toxic relationships, gaslighting, love bombing, and the process of their healing from these relationships. Listen to navigating narcissism on the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Jay Shetty and on my podcast on purpose, I've had the honor to sit down with some of the most incredible hearts and minds on the planet. Oh, pro. Everything that has happened to you can also be a strength builder for you if you allow it.

Kobe Bryant. The results don't really matter. It's the figuring out that matters. Kevin Hawke. It's not about us as a generation at this point. It's about us trying our best to create change. Luminous Hamilton. That's for me being taken that moment for yourself each day, being

kind to yourself because I think for a long time I wasn't kind to myself. And many, many more. If you're attached to knowing, you don't have a capacity to learn. On this podcast, you get to hear the raw real-life stories behind their journeys and the tools they used, the books they read and the people that made a difference in their lives so that they can make a difference in hours. Listen to on purpose with Jay Shetty on the iHeart Radio app Apple Podcast or wherever you get your podcasts. Join the journey soon. I'm Mungesh Chatequeller and to be honest, I don't believe in astrology, but from the moment I was

born, it's been a part of my life. In India, it's like smoking. You might not smoke, but you're going to get secondhand astrology. And lately, I've been wondering if the universe has been trying to tell me to stop running and pay attention. Because maybe there is magic in the stars, if you're willing to look for it. So I rounded up some friends and we dove in and let me tell you, it got weird fast. Tantric curses, major league baseball teams, canceled marriages, K-pop! But just when I thought I had a handle on this sweet and curious show about astrology,

my whole world can crash down. Situation doesn't look good. There is risk to father. And my whole view on astrology, it changed. Whether you're a skeptic or a believer, I think your ideas are going to change too. Listen to Skyline Drive and the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcast, wherever you get your podcasts. One of my favorite ways I like to get grounded and that I advise others to do is to tune into your body. Feel your feet on the floor or the ground or feel yourself and your body resting

into the chair or the sofa. Take several rounds of deep breaths, breathing in to account of four, holding for account of four, then breathing out for account of four. That helps to calm your nervous system. So it's easier for your brain to engage in a rational conversation. This is a habit you can build when you're not fighting and you'll remember when you are fighting. One of my friends says that when her partner comes to her with something that's difficult for her to hear, she puts a hand on her heart as she listens and imagines breathing into and out of her heart. As she says, there also helps her to remember to listen and to respond from her heart. And I love that. So many of us are responding from our head.

Our ego or mind. But when we come down into our hearts, we can really be our true selves. And the third reason Dr. Selsa says couples have recurring fights is because some of us have such core ideological differences that they truly are not resolvable. Two of the big ones, and you may have even already thought of them, are politics and religion. Still, these don't have to be deal breakers for our relationships if we set some healthy boundaries. It's hard to think of a couple that would be more ill-suited politically than the James Carville and Mary Matalin. Carville is a Democrat who was the campaign manager for former US President Bill Clinton, and Matalin is a former Republican, turned libertarian, who is the deputy campaign

manager for Clinton's presidential opponent, George H. W. Bush. Yet, in spite of their vast political differences, the couple has been married for over 25 years. How do they do it? In a joint talk, the couple did at a Louisiana school, Matalin told students that people have to learn to prioritize what's important to them in the relationship and put healthy boundaries around hot button issues. Carve told the students that it's a good thing to spend time with people they disagree with, ideally who are also smarter than they are. Mattelin agreed describing our husband as a genius, which shows one thing the couple prioritized about politics.

They're attraction to and respect for one another's intellect. Though Mattelin then tacked on, he's frequently wrong, but that doesn't make him not a genius. And that kind of banter is actually a great illustration of one of the keys to keep the air between you and your partner clear when it comes to challenging topics Impossible, Hughes humor, but don't hide behind it. It's got to be good-natured humor not passive aggressive jabs

though Carveau and Matalin trade barbs about politics when it comes down to it. They keep a boundary They don't try to change one another and that actually gets to Dr. Salta's advice for what to do when you have ideological issues that aren't going to be resolved, agree to disagree. If it's something that's not going to negatively affect your relationship, that might be totally fine. Instead of it being a no fly zone, it can simply be a neutral zone, a space where you can agree to respect the others' opinions and not try to change them. That's a lot different from just being angry and not talking about them.

According to John Gottman, the marriage and family therapist I mentioned earlier, when we have what he calls a gridlocked perpetual problem, there are always underlying beliefs and agendas. We just touched on some of them, right? Maybe we're trying to protect our egos, we're afraid to be vulnerable and to change, or maybe we just never learned how to resolve issues. And that's what you need to get to the bottom of to clear the air of no-fly zones and create the closeness and honesty between you and your partner. You've got to figure out what the deep underlying issues are and focus on those rather than the surface problem, because the no-fly zone issues often like icebergs. You see this issue that's visible above the waterline?

Maybe it's your spouse's ex-wife or maybe it's something about your money but the real issue what's truly driving it is hidden. So let's get down to how to clear the air of these no-fly zones. Here are six steps to getting rid of the no-fly zones in your relationship. First, find out if your partner or spouse, your boyfriend or girlfriend, is willing to talk about the issue. Do they agree it's a no-fly zone and are they willing to discuss it? They might not think it's a problem or just not be willing to talk about it. Try to bring up the topic at a time when you're both calm. By the way, not while the kids are running around, trash in the house, or while your partner is trying to respond to a work email. And again, try and bring it up from a space of centeredness

and calm. Your partner might get defensive, they might deny there's an issue, and if they do, maybe they need some time to think about it. They might come back when they're ready and be willing to talk about it. But you can't clear a no-fly zone by yourself. You both have to be on board. And if your partner refuses to talk about the issue or acknowledge there's a problem, you need to decide if you can live with that. But I'll tell you this, whatever you do, don't create a no-fly zone with yourself. Don't downplay something that's actually important to you because you're afraid you'll lose the relationship. If it's important, it's important. And if your partner's not willing to engage about it,

that really might mean it's time to rethink the relationship. But if they do agree, and hopefully they do, and are willing to talk about the issue, that's how's that New Year's resolution coming along? You know, the one you made about paying off your pesky credit card debt and finally starting to save a retirement?

Well, you're not alone if you haven't made progress yet, roughly four in five New Year's resolutions fail within the first month or two. But that doesn't have to be the case for you and your goals, our podcast, How to Money can help. That's right, we're two best buds who've been at it for more than five years now and we wanna see you achieve your money goals.

And it's our goal to provide the information and encouragement you need to do it. We keep the show fresh by answering list our questions, interviewing experts, and focusing on the relevant financial news that you need to know about. Our show is Choc Full of the Personal Finance Knowledge that you need with guidance three times a week,

and we talk about debt payoff. If, let's say you've had a particularly spend-thrift holiday season, we also talk about building up your savings, intelligent investing, and growing your income, no matter where you are on your financial journey, how do monies got your back? Millions of listeners have trusted us to help them achieve their financial goals. Ensure that your resolution turns into ongoing progress. Listen to how to money on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

A good way to learn about a place is to talk to the people that live there. There's just this sexy vibe and Montreal, this pulse, this energy. Bois min is seen as a very snotty city. People call it Bois Angeles. New Orleans is a town that never forgets its pay. A great way to get to know a place is to get invited to a dinner party. Hi, I'm Brendan Francis Newdum, and not lost is my new travel podcast where a friend and I go places, see the sights,

and try to finagle our way into a dinner party. We're kind of trying to get invited to a dinner party. It doesn't always work out. I would love that, but I have like a Cholala who is aggressive towards strangers. I love the dogs. We learn about the places we're visiting, yes, but we also learn about ourselves.

I don't spend as much time thinking about how I'm gonna die alone when I'm traveling, but I get to travel with someone I love. Oh, see, I love you too. And also, we get to eat as much. It's very sincere. I love you too. My life's a lot of therapy goes behind that.

You're so white, I love it. Listen to not lost on the iHeart radio app or wherever you get your podcasts. Our 20s are seen as this golden decade. Our time to be carefree, full in love, make mistakes, and decide what we want from our life. But what can psychology really teach us about this decade? I'm Gemma Speg, the host of the psychology of your 20s. Each week we take a deep dive into a unique aspect of our 20s, from career anxiety, mental health, heartbreak, money, friendships, and much more to explore the science and the psychology behind our experiences,

incredible guests, fascinating topics, important science, and a bit of my own personal experience. Audrey, I honestly have no idea what's going on with my life. Join me as we explore what our 20s are really all about. From the good, the bad, and the ugly, and listen along as we uncover how everything is psychology, including our 20s. The psychology of your 20s hosted by me, Gemma Speg, now streaming on the iHot Radio app, Apple podcasts or whatever you get your podcasts.

Great. Step two, create a safe space for communication. We use that expression. Let's get it all out on the table. Imagine people just dumping things out onto the dinner table, right? All of their baggage. How well does that go? When we're in the heat of an argument and we blurt something out, we say in a way we don't mean it, that it sounds angry or as an accusation. Now that you've agreed to address the issue, instead of just dumping it all out on the table, take the time to set the table. Find a quiet space and time where you can talk. Maybe on a weekend, when work pressure is less, maybe after the kids are in bed,

maybe even set the table literally with a nice breakfast or dinner. That's step two, set the table for a conversation. Sometimes a good conversation also occurs on a walk. When you're walking in the same direction, walking towards something together, it feels like you're moving together rather than sitting across the table from each other. Think about that. Step three is to frame the issue in a positive way. Instead of looking at it like you're taking sides against one another, frame the conversation as if it's you two together, right? You're a team.

You might have heard me saying something like this before, right? If we come to the table as adversaries, we increase the likelihood that we'll fight. So instead, come to the table as a team that's taking on the problem together. If you see it as a win-lose situation, it means if you win, they lose, and if they win, you lose. But actually in relationship, you either choose to win together or you choose to lose together. There is no win-lose. Because actually, if the other person loses, you feel like you both have lost. And if you feel like you've won, you should both be winning.

A related approach is to pretend that the two of you are offering counseling to another couple with the same problem. What would you advise them? Step four is to remember what's important and you can even start the conversation this way or take a time out if things get heated. But remember, what's most important in your relationship? Remember why you're together. Maybe even stop and list out three things you love about each other before you start. That can help diffuse the tension and again remind each other that you're a team, that you're together for a reason, and that talking through tough issues is worth it.

Step five is to listen. One of the co-founders of Harvard University's program on negotiations says, the most successful negotiators listen far more than they talk. He also calls listening the golden key that opens the door to human relationship. Forget about trying to prove your point. Instead, listen first. Then go from there. When you listen, your partner is more likely to feel safe

to be vulnerable with you. And together, you can get down to those deep ideas and beliefs that are underneath the surface. Yet, some of these topics can especially be complex or challenging. If you have trouble reaching resolution on your own, Step 6 is to enlist the help of an objective third party to support you in working through the issue with your partner. Sometimes, we wait too long for this step, and I would welcome it sooner if you need it. Ideally, it's not a friend or family member, you want someone truly objective and qualified

such as a therapist or a counselor or a mediator or even a trusted spiritual or religious counselor or advisor. It's healthy to get help and again, it's worth it. So those are the six steps to resolve the no-fly zones in your relationships. Remember, the more you're willing to listen to your partner and to be honest and vulnerable with them, the more you increase the chances for long-term success and happiness in your relationship. Tag me on Instagram with your best insights from this episode. I can't wait to hear them and thank you so much for listening to On Purpose. Share it with your friends, tell everyone about it and I'm so, so grateful that you're

with me on this journey. See you soon. I'm Jay Shetty and on my podcast on purpose, I've had the honor to sit down with some of the most incredible hearts and minds on the planet. Oprah, Kobe Bryant, Kevin Hart, Louis Hamilton, and many, many more. On this podcast, you get to hear the raw real-life stories behind their journeys and the tools they used, the books they read, and the people that made a difference in their lives so that they can make a difference in hours. Listen to on purpose with Jay Shetty

on the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Join the journey soon. What do a flirtatious gambling double agent in World War II? An opera singer who burned down an honorary to kidnap her lover, and a pirate queen who walked free with all of her spoils,

haven't comment. They're all real women who were left out of your history books. You can hear these stories and more on the Womanica podcast. Check it out on the iHeartRadio app Apple podcasts or wherever you listen. I am Jan LeVan Zant and I'll be your host for The R Spot. Each week listeners will call me live to discuss their relationship issues. Nothing will tear a relationship down faster than two people with no vision. The ziola just flopping around like fish out of water.

Mommy, daddy, your ex, I'll be talking about those things and so much more. Check out the R-Spot on the iHeart Video app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you listen to podcasts.