On Purpose with Jay Shetty - 3 Relationship Routines that Successful Partnerships Use to Build Deeper Connection

Episode Date: January 29, 2021

Everyone talks about their personal goals in the new year. They want to change their routine to sleep more, or meditate, or try a new hobby. But what about changing and strengthening your relationship routines? On this episode of On Purpose with Jay Shetty, Jay offers 3 routines you can consciously co-create with your partner that will strengthen your bond and invigorate your relationship. If On Purpose inspires you, Jay’s exclusive Genius workshops and meditations will take your life to the next level. Go to https://shetty.cc/OnPurposeGenius to learn more.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

The world of chocolate has been turned upside down. A very unusual situation. You saw the stacks of cash in our office. Chocolate comes from the cacountry, and recently, Variety's cacao, thought to have been lost centuries ago, were re-discovered in the Amazon. There is no chocolate on Earth like this. Now some chocolate makers are racing deep into the jungle.

To find the next game-changing chocolate, and I'm coming along. Okay, that was a very large crack it up. Listen to the obsessions while chocolate on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or whatever you get your podcast. I am Dr. Romani and I am back with season 2 of my podcast, Navigating Narcissism. This season we dive deeper into highlighting red flags and spotting a narcissist before they spot you. Each week you'll hear stories from survivors who have navigated through toxic relationships,

gaslighting, love bombing and their process of healing. Listen to navigating narcissism on the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Eva Longoria. And I'm Maite Gomes-Rajon. We're so excited to introduce you to our new podcast. Hungry for History. On every episode, we're exploring some of our favorite dishes,

ingredients, beverages from our Mexican culture. We'll share personal memories and family stories, decode culinary customs, and even provide a recipe or two for you to try at home. Listen to Hungry for History on the I Heart Radio app, Apple podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Burned out, busy, overwhelmed, overworked. These days, when we've got more priorities and tasks to handle

than ever before, according to the BBC, while we don't necessarily have less free time than our counterparts in the 1950s, it sure can feel like it. That's in part because of technology creep, because of all our notebooks, phones, and apps, we're more available than ever, so we have less uninterrupted time. When it feels like time and energy are just slipping away like sand, how can we prioritize tending to our relationships? Today I'm going to give you three relationship routines that will give you the time and space to build a love that lasts. There are also tons of routines we can develop around our work. I often ask my guests

about their daily and life routines because to me when they're created thoughtfully, routines are structures that set us up for success. Today we're continuing with the theme of looking at one chapter each week from my book, Think Like A Monk, and Going In Deeper. This week we're on chapter 6, which is all about how we can develop routines that will enable us to train our brains and direct our lives to achieve our goals and to feel greater meaning and satisfaction. Here's a short passage from the chapter that's my inspiration for today's podcast. In the ashram, we started each morning in the spirit of the day we plan to have, and

we trained ourselves to sustain that deliberateness and focus all day long. Sure, that's all fine and good if your daily schedule involves prayer, meditation, study, service and chores, but the outside world is more complex. One of the biggest differences between life and the ashram and life in the outside world, and it's a huge one, is that at the ashram, monks are celibate. Now, as a former monk, I'm married, and so my entire life is bound to this other very wonderful person who I absolutely adore and love, and reflecting on that made me start to wonder. We talk so much about individual routines, and creating and setting those with intention.

But what about relationship routines? And a lot of people don't want to have relationship routines because they think it takes out the spontaneity. It leads to monotony and it leads to feeling the same and getting bored, but actually routines make space for spontaneity. Structure, as Kobe Bryant told me on the podcast, when he came on as a guest,

lots of love to him and John and the family, he said that structure creates spontaneity. So today, we're going to look at how you can use the signs of routines to support your relationships. Now, I know that for some of you, especially those of you who've been together longer might be thinking, Jay, the problem is that too much of our relationship is Rue team, we need to mix it up.

If that's the case, you probably don't have so much routine in your relationship as bad or boring habits, things you're doing unconsciously. Horace Mann, who was an American educator once said, habit is a cable. We weave a thread each day and at last, we cannot break it. Now, if those habits you've developed are unintentional and negative ones, that cable would seem harsh and restrictive, right?

But what if you could create thoughtful and positive habits that help to weave a cable of deep connection and trust between you and your partner? Today, we're going to talk about the routines you can consciously co-create that will strengthen your bond and then live in your relationship. Now, just a note before we dive in, I'm going to focus on romantic relationships, but for those singles out there, don't worry,

I'm also going to include some specific advice and insights for you. And of course, this can be applied to friendships too. So for starters, when we're building routines, we want to focus on the outcome we're trying to create. Now on the show, I've had the honor and pleasure of talking to relationship researchers and experts, John and Julie Gottman, founders of the Gottman Institute.

And if you missed that episode, go and check it out because it's filled with incredible insights and advice. One of the things John Gottman has uncovered in his decades of research on couples is that there's a critical ratio that has a massive impact on determining whether or romantic relationships succeed or fail. That ratio is 5 to 1, and what those numbers mean is that for every one negative interaction you have with your partner, you want to have at least 5 positive ones.

If your average is lower than that, if you say three positive interactions per negative one, or if you have more negative interactions than a positive one, according to the data, your relationship is not likely to succeed. So knowing this, I'm going to say, let's create that as our intention in building these relationship routines to support positive interactions in our relationships and get that number up. Okay? That's our goal. Here's an idea. Take a stick, you know, and put it under the refrigerator or the bathroom mirror, or if you have something like a white board or a chalkboard or a bulletin board in your home, tack up a note that just reads 5 to 1.

That will remind you both of your why for training these new routines into habits. Now, have you ever done that thing where at the end of the year you look forward to the next year and you kind of set some goals and you plan some things out or maybe you're starting a new project and you have to map out a way to get there? So what do you do? If you want to be successful, you break it down into smaller chunks, right? You look at what's my end goal, then you look at what are the incremental pieces or steps I need to take to get there. For us today, we just established our end goal. We want our ratio of five to one positive to negative interactions, even more positive if we can manage it, because we want to feel

long term meaning and connection in our relationships. We don't just want to be in our relationships, we want to enjoy them to feel seen and heard and supported. So how are we going to get there? Just like with the work or personal goal or project, we're going to break your new relationship routines down into the things that you need to do daily, weekly or monthly, and seasonally to reach that five to do daily, weekly or monthly and seasonally to reach that 5-1 goal or better. Now you might say, Jay, that sounds like a lot and I'm already busy. I'm already feeling overwhelmed with work or the kids or just with life.

How am I going to institute all of these new relationship routines and stick with them? I get it. So many of us are feeling overwhelmed, but there are two things. First, we're going to make these routines simple. These will be things that you can actually do that won't take too much time on money or other resources. And here's the second thing. These routines are designed to pay you back.

The time you invest in them will actually make deposits in your bank account, into your relationship account, and in your bank account into a relationship account and into your personal account. You'll actually feel more connected with one another. And so by doing these routines, you'll feel more resource and energised. So let's start with one relationship routine you can practice every day. Now remember, you can always add more daily routines, but I encourage you to start small. Because if you take on a ton of new routines all at once, you can feel overwhelming and you won't keep them up.

Before I get to the daily routine, I'm going to tell you a story. This was something I came across on a website the other day, on a page of anonymous people telling stories of moments that impacted them, and I really loved this one. One day a young man was walking near a transport underpass when he saw an elderly woman shuffling along carrying a shopping bag full of groceries in each hand. Man was walking near a transport underpass when he saw an elderly woman shuffling along carrying a shopping bag full of groceries in each hand. As she approached the stairway, he hurried towards her, «Mam, can I help you,» he asked.

«Thank you,» she said, «and let him take the bags and hold her elbow while he walked her up the ladder. When they reached the top, she said, «Young man, can I trouble you with another favor» she turned and pointed down the street. Would you mind walking to me to the far corner of that intersection? It's just that I'm in a hurry.

Every time I go out, my husband likes to meet me at the corner near our house. He'll be there soon and I don't like to keep him waiting. The young man nodded, sure he said, and walked it down the block and threw the intersection to the opposite corner. Just as they were approaching the corner, sure enough from the other end of the block, an old man shuffled towards them.

As he approached the young man, could see that the older man was nearly blind, and the old woman told her husband about the young man's kindness, the old man turned to him, shook his hand and thanked him. As the young man walked home, all he could think about was his girlfriend and how he never met her at the corner or anywhere. He never helped her with the groceries. He sometimes didn't even look up from the television when she came home, instead just muttering, hey, what do people so often say about relationships and what's truly meaningful? It's the little things, right? The old man meeting his wife at the corner was no longer a little thing,

because of their physical challenges. It had become a big thing, but it was a routine that had started as a little thing many years before. So that's going to be your daily relationship routine. Make time for one little thing. That's a really big thing. And this routine will take you literally only one minute.

You're going to stop what you're doing, put down your phones, and have no other distractions, and this is all you're going to do. You're going to look into one another's eyes and say something kind to the other person. Like an expression of gratitude, appreciation, or affection. You can even hold hands if you want. That's it.

First one goes, then the other. I've been practicing this in my life unconsciously for years. I've noticed that whether it was my mother cooking for me or my father or whether it was my sister or my wife or a friend, I would always, always appreciate my gratitude for the work that went into it. I've never been a cook and I find it very difficult, so I really realize how much effort goes into cooking, just thanking someone for the effort and time they've put in.

Even if it's interacting the way they interact with your children, the way that person comes home from work in a positive mood, whatever it may be, just notice that and be specific. I often talk about the importance of being specific when it comes to gratitude and science backs that up. In an analysis of 91 different studies on gratitude, researchers found that when someone expressed gratitude about something specific, instead of something more general, the person they expressed their gratitude to was more likely to pay it forward, to go out and make a contribution to the world

at large. It's great to tell someone I love you or I appreciate you, but if you're really specific, your words are more impactful and memorable. They also help you learn what words and actions your partner values most. So when you do your little thing, when you have your focus minute together, say something like, I really appreciate how you read books to the kids late at night, so I could go to bed a little earlier. Thank you. Or I'm grateful that you took the car in for an oil chain so I could take that Zoom call. That was really helpful and I like that you're such a great teammate in that way. Or I just want to tell you that the sweater you're wearing really shows off your eyes

and they're one of my favorite features of yours. I am Yomla and on my podcast, the R-Spot, we're having inspirational, educational and sometimes difficult and challenging conversations about relationships. They may not have the capacity to give you what you need. And insisting means that you are abusing yourself now. You human! That means that you're crazy as hell, just like the rest of us. When a relationship breaks down, I take copious notes and I want to share them with you. Anybody with two eyes and a brain knows that too much Alfredo sauce is just no good for you. But if you're going to eat it, they're not going to stop you. So he's going to continue to give

you the Alfredo sauce and put it even on your grits if you don't stop him. Listen to the R-Spot on the iHeart Radio app Apple Podcast or wherever you listen to podcasts. video app, Apple Podcast, or whatever you listen to podcasts. Conquer your New Year's resolution to be more productive with the Before Breakfast Podcast in each bite-sized daily episode. Time management and productivity expert Laura Vandercam teaches you how to make the most of your time, both at work and at home. These are the practical suggestions you need to get more done with your day. Just as lifting weights keeps our bodies strong as we age,

learning new skills is the mental equivalent of pumping iron. Listen to before breakfast on the iHeartRadio app or wherever you get your podcasts. The therapy for Black Girls podcast is the destination for all things mental health, personal development, and all of the small decisions we can make to become the best possible versions of ourselves. Here we have the conversations that help black women dig a little deeper into the most impactful relationships in our lives, those with our parents, our partners, our children, our friends, and most importantly ourselves. We chat about things like what to do

when a friendship ends, how to know when it's time to break up with your therapist, and how to end the cycle of perfectionism. I'm your host, Dr. Joy Harden Bradford, a licensed psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia, and I can't wait for you to join the conversation every Wednesday. Listen to the Therap wait for you to join the conversation every Wednesday. Listen to the therapy for Black Girls podcast on the I Heart radio app, Apple podcast, or wherever you get your podcasts. Take good care. Hey, I get it. Creating a new routine, even a simple one can be hard. Science shows that when we link a new routine to something we already do, it's easier to maintain. So try linking your new routine to something we already do, it's easier to maintain.

So try linking your focused minute to something you already do and they already do. Maybe you do it when you're drinking your coffee or tea in the morning, first thing after you wake up or while you're eating breakfast, or if it works better before you go to bed, just be sure to give it 100% undivided attention each time for that minute. So, those of you with kids, you might have to sneak into the bathroom or a closet together to get that minute alone, but it's worth it. It really doesn't take much,

and again, it has a huge impact. A lot of the time when we talk about advice for couples, we talk about the importance of dialogue and open communication. And that's true, but what's also true is that you've been struggling as a couple. Or if you've each been carrying a lot of individual stress, it can be really hard to just put everything aside and try to have a deep, meaningful conversation, all of a sudden. Vivek Mority, who is a physician and a former surgeon general of the US,

says relational context is the foundation of dialogue. He says it's hard, if not impossible, to sit down and have a truly open-minded and meaningful talk with someone unless you already have a connection. This simple daily routine creates brief moments of meaningful ongoing connection so that when it's time to have a deeper discussion, it's easier.

Now, that's easier. Now, that's your daily routine. So until weekly relationship routine, I bet you know what I'm going to say because this is the advice that's all over the place. Have a weekly date night, right? But are date nights all they're cracked up to be? A group of researchers analyzed data from nearly 10,000 Marie couples to find out how often they are date nights and how long each stayed together. They found that 11% had a weekly date night, 30% had a monthly date night, 23% said they had somewhat of a routine date night, but it was less frequent than once a month,

and 36% said they hardly ever had a date night. So which couples do you think lasted the longest? Over the next 10 years, the couples who stayed together were those who had a date night once a month. And get this, those who had a weekly date night had the same odds of staying together as those who hardly ever had a date night. Now that might sound counterintuitive, but to some of you, it probably makes sense. After all, the researchers noted that some couples said planning a weekly date night was

just too much pressure. They had to come up with what to do. They had to spend money. Many couples had to find a babysitter. And for others, they genuinely had too many other demands on them to make a weekly date possible. So let's break down this idea of a date night and see what routine we can create that is truly positive for your relationship. Here's the thing, a routine is like a frame and a frame by itself is, well, empty. It's what you fill it with that matters.

Are you going to fill your frame with someone beautiful and thoughtful or with a print of dogs playing poker. Routines are great because they create a structure in which something else can happen, but the quality of that something else is up to you. A structure creates priority, but its content creates passion. It's not just about having date night. It's about the quality of the time you spend together. Sometimes date nights are performative, right? They serve as something you just check off on your list or post a pic on Instagram and they lack meaningful

effect in your relationship. Some people absolutely love their weekly date night, and if that's you, that's great. Keep it as your routine. But for the rest of you, if you've never tried date night or a weekly date night, it's just not realistic or creates too much pressure, instead try a weekly or monthly play date. One of the things that's really hard on relationships is falling into ruts. Plus, everyone so busy and burned out these days, one thing we could all use a lot more of is fun and play. So whether it's playing a board game together, doing an escape room, going to a party together,

even Zoom happy hour, where you socialize as a couple, playing tennis or another sport as long as you don't get too competitive, or even taking some of your kids building blocks and building something together, or coloring, finding something fun and low stakes that doesn't have pressure or heavy expectations tied to it, although Lego can get pretty serious. And the thing I also love about a lot of these ideas is that so many of them are totally free. You can also make them time limited if you need to, spend 30 minutes doing a puzzle together if that's what you have. And be creative.

Something will work for you. One couple I know had two very young kids and had recently moved across the country. So they had no one, they knew and trusted the babysit. Some days they said it was like there were so many demands and interruptions, it was impossible to just connect with one another about something other than the kids or the house. Now, though they went to sleep at different times, they both are avid readers. So the solution they came up with was to create their own two-person book group.

It actually happened by accident when one bought a book on Kindle and mentioned she was going to read it. And her partner said, I'd actually like to read that too. So they read it at the same time. They found that in spare minutes here and there, like over breakfast, they'd start talking about it. Like, what part are you at? And what did you think when this happened? It became a little bonding thing they were doing and they both really enjoyed. And two years later, they're still doing it. They've now read 15 books together. The other thing you might have noticed is that all of the suggestions I've made are offline.

That's because these days we spend so much time with our technology, it's like our phones and computers steal our attention from one another. When we unplug, we bring our full attention to the other person and the activity we're participating in. And single taskings, not only good for your relationships, it's good for your brain. It helps you focus and be more mindful and present overall. Now, lastly, onto those less frequent routines,

a common suggestion is to take an annual trip together. And that's a great idea. But for one, it's just not accessible or realistic for everyone. I have a little bit of a different take on it, and that's to have a routine for something you do together every season. So that's four things a year that are specific to that season.

Now, those things will differ for you based on culture and what the weather's like in your part of the world at different times. But for example, I have friends who every fall drive down a particular road called Skyline Drive to see the leaves changing color. They put on fun music and just enjoy the spectacular scenery together.

I've other friends who have a special cookie-making day every Christmas. It's not just a routine, but a ritual they look forward to every year. One of the things I love about this is that like nature, relationships have a rhythm. Everything there is a season, as the song says. Having things you do together seasonally helps you connect in a way to larger rhythms of life and the passage of time.

And over the years, you can reflect on these repeated experiences and also discuss some of the things that have changed in your relationship. For better, for worse, since the last time. How's that New Year's resolution coming along? You know, the one you made about paying off your pesky credit card debt and finally starting to save your retirement? since the last time. how to make money. That's right, we're two best buds who've been at it for more than five years now, and we want to see you achieve your money goals, and it's our goal to provide the information and encouragement you need to do it. We keep the show fresh by answering list of our questions, interviewing experts, and

focusing on the relevant financial news that you need to know about. Our show is Chock Full of the Personal Finance Knowledge that you need with guidance three times a week, and we talk about debt payoff, if let's say you've had a particularly spend-thrift-quality season, we also talk about building up your savings, intelligent investing, and growing your income, no matter where you are on your financial journey, how do monies got your back? Millions of listeners have trusted us

to help them achieve their financial goals. Ensure that your resolution turns it to ongoing progress. Listen to how to money on the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. A good way to learn about a place is to talk to the people that live there. There's just this sexy vibe and Montreal, this pulse, this energy. What was meant as seen is a very snotty city. People call it bozangeless. New Orleans is a town that never forgets its pay.

A great way to get to know a place is to get invited to a dinner party. Hi, I'm Brendan Francis Newton and not lost as my new travel podcast where a friend and I go places, see the sights, and try to finagle our way into a dinner party. We're kind of trying to get invited to a dinner party. It doesn't always work out. I would love that but I have like a Chihuahua who is aggressive towards strangers. We learn about the places we're visiting, yes, but we also learn about ourselves. I have like a Cholala who is aggressive towards strangers. I love the dogs. We learn about the places we're visiting, yes,

but we also learn about ourselves. I don't spend as much time thinking about how I'm going to die alone when I'm traveling, but I get to travel with someone I love. Oh, see, I love you too. And also, we get to eat as much... I love you too. My life's a lot of therapy goes behind that. You're so white, I love it. Listen to Not Lost on the iHeart radio app or wherever you get your podcasts.

I'm Mungisha Tickler and to be honest, I don't believe in astrology, but from the moment I was born, it's been a part of my life. In India, it's like smoking. You might not smoke, but you're going to get secondhand astrology. And lately, I've been wondering if the universe has been trying to tell me to stop running and pay attention. Because maybe there is magic in the stars, if you're willing to look for it. So I rounded up some friends and we dove in and let me tell you, it got weird fast. Tantric curses, major league baseball teams, canceled marriages, K-pop!

But just when I thought I had a handle on this sweet and curious show about astrology, my whole world can crash down. Situation doesn't look good, there is risk to father. And my whole view on astrology, it changed. Whether you're a skeptic or a believer, I think your ideas are going to change too. Listen to Skyline Drive and the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your podcasts. You can take the opportunity to look at what you'd like to keep

and give gratitude for and what you'd like to release from your relationship. Now, singles, I promised I'd have something for you and I haven't forgotten. Here's the cool part and something I really encourage you to do. You can tend to your relationship with yourself in these exact same ways. Being single is an incredible opportunity to do something that so many of us really do, which is to spend the kind of time and attention on ourselves we sometimes wish another person would spend on us. But here's the beautiful thing, when you actually cultivate a powerful, loving and supportive

relationship with yourself, when you do get into a relationship with another person, you're then coming into it from a more empowered and balanced place. So you're more likely to have a relationship that's healthy and that lasts because you aren't looking to this one person to meet all of your needs. You're already happy. So daily, take that minute to look at yourself in the mirror and say something supportive or kind to yourself or acknowledge something you appreciate about yourself. Weekly or monthly, have a play date with yourself. Do something engaging and fun and have a special routine of something you do every season that you enjoy, and that can also serve as an invitation to reflect on what in your life you want to keep, and what it might be time to let go. So those are three relationship routines designed to increase the quality of your relationship,

something every day, something every week, and something every season. Make sure you tag me on Instagram with your best insights from this podcast. I can't wait to see what you've learned. I'm so grateful to each and every one of you for being a member of the on-purpose community. Make sure you subscribe to the podcast and please leave a review. It makes a huge difference. I love our audience. I love our community. I can't wait to be able to tour and meet you all and do this in person with you. Thank you so much for listening

to On Purpose, sending you all so much love. Hey guys, this is Jay again, just a few more quick things before you leave. I know we try to focus on the good every day and I want to make that easier for you. Would you like to get a short email from me every week that gives you an extra dose of positivity? Weekly wisdom is my newsletter where I jot down whatever's on my mind that I think may uplift your week.

Basically, little bits of goodness that are going to improve your well-being. The short newsletter is all about growth and sending positivity straight to your inbox. Read it with a cup of tea, forward it to a friend, and let these words brighten your day. To sign up, just go to jshetty.me and drop your email in the pop-up. If you have trouble finding it, just scroll to the very bottom of the page and you'll see the sign up.

Thank you so much, and I hope you enjoy my weekly wisdom newsletter. This podcast was produced by Dust Light Productions. Our executive producer from Dust Light is Misha Yusuf. Our senior producer is Julianne Bradley. Our associate producer is Jacqueline Castillo. Valentino Rivera is our engineer. Our music is from Blue Dot Sessions and special thanks to Rachel Garcia, the dust light development and operations coordinator. Hi, I'm Brendan Francis Nuneum, I'm a journalist, a wanderer, and a bit of a bond vivant, but

mostly a human just trying to figure out what it's all about. And not lost is my new podcast about all those things. It's a travel show where each week I go with a friend to a new place, and to really understand it, I try to get invited to a local's house for dinner, where kind of trying to get invited to a dinner party. It doesn't always work out. Ooh, I have to give back to you. Listen to not lost on the iHeart radio app or wherever you get your podcasts.

Conquer your New Year's resolution to be more productive with the before breakfast podcast. In each bite-sized daily episode, time management and productivity expert Laura Vandercam teaches you how to make the most of your time, both at work and at home. These are the practical suggestions you need to get more done with your day. Just as lifting weights keeps our bodies strong as we age, learning new skills is the mental equivalent of pumping iron. Listen to Before Breakfast on the I Heart Radio app or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, it's Debbie Brown. before breakfast on the iHeartRadio app or wherever you get your podcasts.

Hey, it's Debbie Brown, host of the Deeply Well Podcast, where we hold conscious conversations with leaders and radical healers and wellness around topics that are meant to expand and support you on your well-being journey. Deeply well is your soft place to land, to work on yourself without judgment, to heal, to learn, to grow, to become who you deserve to be. Deeply well with Debbie Brown is available now on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Namaste.