On Purpose with Jay Shetty - 3 Things Happy People Do Differently

Starting point is 00:00:00 Now, see Spider-Man. A face with a threat. That can be anyone. On the biggest screen possible. You got a couple of big. I don't know if you're the real Spider-Man. I promised that I would keep you saying. Fine.

Starting point is 00:00:10 Spider-Man, brand-new day. Now playing. It's Jay. I don't know what your day's been like, but I was just thinking about you for a minute. And I hope you're being a little patient with yourself because you deserve it. And yeah, I'll talk to you soon. You're unhappy because you keep making yourself the victim. Hear me out. Have you ever met someone who just seems genuinely happy? Someone who still has stress,

Starting point is 00:00:51 disappointments and faces bad days, yet somehow they never seem to get stuck there. They have moments just like you and I where they feel overwhelmed, exhausted or misunderstood, but there is an authentic smile on their face as they continue to move forward. When you meet someone like that, It can be easy to assume they must have something you don't. Maybe they had an easier childhood. Maybe they have more money. Maybe they found the right partner. Maybe their brain is just wired differently.

Starting point is 00:01:23 We create this story that happiness is something some people are lucky enough to have and that the rest of us are trying to catch up to. But the more I've studied happiness, the more I've realized something important. Happy people have taught themselves how to have a better relationship with the way they've reframe hardship. They don't look at every setback as evidence that the world is against them. They don't treat every delay as proof that they're behind. They feel pain, but they don't turn pain into an identity. They go through rough times, but they don't assume it will last forever. So today, I want to share with you the three things that happy people do differently. By the end of

Starting point is 00:02:02 this episode, you will have three tangible mindset shifts to implement that will help you immediately get control back over your own joy. And I want to start with a hard truth. Sometimes you're not unhappy because life has been unfair to you. You're unhappy because you've started to see yourself as powerless inside the life you're living. Now, I want to be really clear. This does not mean bad things haven't happened to you. It doesn't mean the pain you're going through isn't real. It doesn't mean your heartbreak, your grief, your anxiety, your trauma, all your losses don't matter. But it does mean that at some point, happiness asks us to stop only saying, why did this happen to me? And start asking, what can I do to make the best out of this? That question is everything.

Starting point is 00:02:50 Because when we only ask, why me? We often stay trapped inside the wound. But when instead we ask, what can I do next? We begin to reclaim control. And a sense of control is one of the biggest differences between people who remain stuck and people who begin to feel joy again. The first thing happy people do differently is this. They truly believe they have agency over their future. Agency means you believe you have some ability to influence your life. It doesn't mean you're able to fix everything. That would be unrealistic. You don't control the economy. You don't control whether someone loves you back. You don't control whether a company hires you. But agency means you make active choices that increase your chances of improving your circumstances.

Starting point is 00:03:40 A person without agency waits for life to change before they change. A person with agency begins changing while life is still imperfect. This idea has been studied in psychology through something called the locus of control. The locus of control is a concept referring to how strongly people believe they have power over the outcomes of events. in their lives versus external forces. People with a more internal locus of control tend to believe that their actions, choices and responses can influence outcomes in their future. People with a more external locus of control tend to believe that life is mostly controlled by outside forces, such as luck, fate, existing systems, or societal circumstances.

Starting point is 00:04:26 Research is linked a more internal locus of control with higher life satisfaction and better mental health. And again, this doesn't mean pretending external systems don't exist or pretending all hardships are your fault. It means believing that even within difficult circumstances, your response is still impactful. Think about how often we give our power away through the external language we use. I can't be happy because my ex moved on. I can't feel good about myself because all my friends are ahead of me. I can't change my life because there's no one out they're supporting me. Every one of those statements may contain a real feeling, but they also contain a surrender. They make your happiness dependent on something outside of you changing first.

Starting point is 00:05:15 The problem is that you end up waiting for other circumstances and other seasons of life to give you permission to feel happy. In reality, happy people don't do that. They don't deny the difficulty. They just refuse to make difficulty the only truth. Instead of just saying, this is unfair, they reframe it to what is still available to me. That's the shift. You can't always choose what arrives at your door, but you can choose how you welcome it, how long you entertain it, and whether you allow it to move in permanently. This episode is presented by State Farm.

Starting point is 00:05:50 We spend so much energy becoming the best version of ourselves, building better habits, showing up more fully, embracing mindfulness. But sometimes the most purposeful thing you can do is just handle the thing you've been putting off. If getting your insurance sorted has been living on that list, State Farm is there to help you choose the coverage that's right for you. Go online at StateFarm.com or use the easily accessible app to get help from one of their over 19,000 local agents. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there. Anger may arrive, grief may arrive, disappointment may arrive, but you have to ask, am I letting this visit me or am I letting it become me?

Starting point is 00:06:32 This is where many of us get stuck. Something bad happens and instead of saying I experience rejection, we say I am rejected. Instead of saying I went through heartbreak, we say I am unlovable. Instead of saying I failed at something, we say I am a failure. The happiest people have learned to separate what happened from who they really are. If you believe I am a failure, you stop trying. If you believe I failed at this one thing, you can try the next thing. It's a small difference, but the impact is massive.

Starting point is 00:07:08 If you believe I am unlovable, you close yourself off from romance. And if you believe nothing works out for me, you stop going for opportunities. But if you believe this one didn't work out but something else will, you're able to keep moving forward with hope. happiness without hope is hard to create but luckily this form of agency is not just a mindset that you either have or you don't it's a practice you can actively work toward and i want to give you a simple exercise for this the next time something disappoints you write down three columns in the first column write what happened be factual don't dramatize just write down the event maybe it's the

Starting point is 00:07:50 relationship ended, or I didn't get the job, or my friend didn't show up for me. In the second column, right, what story am I telling myself? This is where you name the meaning you've attached. Maybe I'm always abandoned, or I'm not talented enough, or people don't care about me. Now, in the third column, right, what is one empowered action I can take? That third column is where your happiness begins again. The action could be, I'm going to call you. I'm going to my family member today instead of texting my ex. Or I'm going to ask for feedback and apply to a job elsewhere. Or I'm going to have an honest conversation with my friend on the phone after work. The alternative is to instead make yourself the victim and stay there, ultimately taking away

Starting point is 00:08:38 your own agency from yourself. And here's the thing. The hard part is that victimhood will oftentimes ironically feel safer. It gives us a reason not to act. If everything is, someone else's fault, then we don't have to risk changing. If the world is against us, then we don't have to try again. If nothing matters, then we can stay exactly where we are. But the cost of that story is your happiness. You cannot feel powerful and powerless at the same time. You cannot feel hopeful while constantly acting from helplessness. You cannot build a joyful life if every day you're always collecting evidence that life is out to get you. So now ask yourself, where in your life have you confused pain with powerlessness?

Starting point is 00:09:23 Wherever you started telling yourself a story that makes you the injured party? Where are you waiting for someone else to change before you allow yourself to move forward? And now, what is one action in that area, however small, that would remind you that you still have influence over your own life? That is the first thing happy people do differently. They believe in that internal locus of control and they don't let themselves get stuck in self-pity. They hold on to hope and they understand that the good and the bad will ebb and flow. Now here's the second shift you need to make that happy people already know. You need to stop

Starting point is 00:10:01 waiting to suddenly feel good about yourself. We live in a culture that has taught us to say, I'll be happy when from a very young age. I'll be happy when I get into the right school. I'll be happy when I get a job. I'll be happy when I get promoted. I'll be happy when I move to the right city. I'll be happy when I finally meet someone. I'll be happy when we get married. I'll be happy when we have children. I'll be happy when I'll make more money. I'll be happy when we buy the house. I'll be happy when things get easier. Some of those desires are absolutely beautiful. There's nothing wrong with wanting love. There's nothing wrong with wanting success. There's nothing wrong with wanting health, stability, family, or financial security. Goals give us direction, dreams give us energy.

Starting point is 00:10:51 But the problem begins when you make happiness, the reward you only get after you arrive at the goal. Because every time you arrive to a goal, the finish line moves forward. You get the job, and now you need the promotion. You lose the weight, and now you need to turn up. You start dating someone and now you need to get engaged. You move into the apartment and now you want the house. The mind adapts as we go along. What once felt extraordinary becomes normal and what once felt like the dream suddenly becomes the baseline. Psychologists call this hedonic adaptation, often called the hedonic treadmill. Hedonic adaptation is the human tendency to quickly return to your own stable baseline level of happiness, despite

Starting point is 00:11:39 major positive or negative life events. Whether you win the lottery or experience a major setback, your mind eventually recalibrates to the new normal. This doesn't mean circumstances don't matter at all. Of course they do. But it does mean that if you keep depending on the next milestone to create permanent happiness, you will spend your entire life chasing a feeling that keeps fading the moment you get it. That is why happy people don't treat their happiness like a finish line. They still have goals. They still work hard, but they find steady, daily joy inside of the current work as they pursue their goals. They still want more, but they don't use more as an excuse to ignore what is already here. They understand that if you cannot enjoy your life while dreams

Starting point is 00:12:29 are unfinished, you probably won't know how to enjoy it when those dreams are finally realized. This is where a lot of high achievers struggle. They say, I'll rest after this project. Then the project becomes a bigger project. They say, I'll celebrate after the next milestone. Then the milestone becomes the expectation. They say I'll spend time with people I love once things slow down. Then life never slows down.

Starting point is 00:12:57 And suddenly, they've achieved so much, but they haven't experienced much. They've built a life that looks impressive from the outside. but they haven't inhabited it from the inside. On the flip side, happy people don't wait around for the set of perfect conditions because they know those perfect conditions will never arrive. Instead, they choose to enjoy Tuesday.

Starting point is 00:13:22 That sounds simple, but it's actually pretty profound. Anyone can enjoy the vacation. Anyone can enjoy a wedding. Anyone can enjoy a promotion announcement, a birthday trip, a big launch, a celebration dinner. But happy people have learned how to find life in the ordinary day. They know how to enjoy a walk, a coffee, a funny text, a good song in the car, a 10-minute conversation with someone they love, a clean kitchen, a sunny morning, the feeling of getting into bed after a long day. They don't dismiss

Starting point is 00:13:56 these small things as meaningless. They understand that the small things are what make up the most of our lives. This is where gratitude becomes powerful, but I want to be careful because I know gratitude can sometimes be talked about in a way that feels a little dismissive. People here be grateful, and they think it means your pain isn't valid. That is not what I'm saying. Gratitude isn't pretending the hard things in life aren't as hard as they are. Gratitude is allowing the good things to exist within those struggles. You can be grieving and still appreciate the friend who checked in. You can be stressed and still enjoy a shared laugh in the break room. You can be running around late and overwhelmed,

Starting point is 00:14:39 yet still notice a beautiful sunset. Gratitude doesn't erase pain, but it does give pain some much-needed company in order for happiness to find its way in. When we postpone our happiness, we often become blind to the good that is already in our lives. We say, I can't be happy because I'm single, while ignoring the friendships that are not.

Starting point is 00:15:02 nourishing us. We say, I can't be happy because I hate my job, while ignoring everything we're learning about our career. We say, I can't be happy because I'm not successful yet, while ignoring the clean sheets, hot shower and roof over our heads. There's an old stoic idea that we suffer more in imagination than in reality. By obsessing over what ifs and unknown scenarios, we inflict emotional pain on ourselves long before and often entirely independent of any actual outcome. We can hurt ourselves by imagining a life where we're suddenly completely content with ourselves and fulfilled because we wait for this false outcome before we're able to be happy. I remember speaking to someone who told me once, I wasted my 20s because I was waiting to become

Starting point is 00:15:54 the version of myself that was good enough. That sentence stayed with me. They were so caught up in an imagined future version of themselves, they couldn't enjoy the now that was slipping by past them. This person admitted to me that they felt like they were always waiting to be thinner, more successful, more confident and more intelligent.

Starting point is 00:16:16 They didn't feel like the best version of themselves. And as a result, they kept postponing their own life. They didn't go out with friends, they didn't date, they didn't travel, they didn't try new hobbies. They didn't let themselves be seen. I think a lot of us have done this before. A lot of us have done versions of that throughout our lives.

Starting point is 00:16:35 But the truth is, none of us are ever going to reach the final perfect outcome of who we are. And you are not only allowed to, but you have to enjoy life while you're still changing and growing. You're allowed to laugh while you're still grieving. You're allowed to date while you're still healing. You're allowed to celebrate while you're still working. You're allowed to feel happiness before your life makes perfect sense. sense. Happy people understand this. This is where the second shift connects back to the first. Postponing happiness is just a different form of surrendering agency. So now ask yourself,

Starting point is 00:17:12 what happiness have I put on hold? Have you put friendships on the back burner until you're less busy? Have you put dating on pause until you feel more confident? Have you put resting aside until you prove yourself at work? Whatever it is, the best thing you can do is shift your mindset and ask instead, what is one small piece of that happiness that I can access right now? If you're waiting to travel, can you explore a new neighborhood this weekend? If you're waiting to feel confident in your body, can you wear an outfit that makes you feel good now? If you're waiting for love, can you practice being more loving to your family? If you're waiting for success, can you celebrate the small achievements you've already had? Now, I want to move on to the third and

Starting point is 00:17:58 final thing happy people do differently. They actively create a life they enjoy every single day. Happy people don't wait for joy to accidentally happen. They create the daily conditions for it. They schedule out their life in a way that doesn't punish themselves, but instead prioritizes moments of peace. Maybe instead of waking up at 6 a.m., going to a workout class and drinking green juice, one person finds more happiness by sleeping in and having a slow morning with coffee in bed. Or maybe someone does feel more alive with early mornings spent grinding because they prioritise being able to enjoy a slow dinner and a movie after work. It's not about replicating what the right way looks like for someone else. It's about finding the version of your life

Starting point is 00:18:46 that brings you the most joy day to day in the small things. Instead of hoping for good things to happen? Happy people organize their life around the good things they can make happen. They carve out time for things that make them happy, rather than allowing the week to feel like one long list of responsibilities. One of the biggest predictors of happiness isn't what happened to you today. It's whether you have something to look forward to tomorrow. There's actually research showing that anticipation itself can be pleasurable, especially when we're anticipating. experiences. Think about it. You don't only enjoy the vacation when you're on the vacation. You enjoy imagining it, planning the restaurants, sending activities to your travel partner,

Starting point is 00:19:36 looking at the weather, thinking about what you're going to wear, counting down the days, telling everyone about it. Your brain benefits from hope, anticipation and future joy. You need things on your calendar that you're looking forward to instead of just deadlines. A lot of people only have obligations on their calendars, work meetings, dentist appointments, due dates, family commitments, endless errands. And then, they wonder why life feels heavy. But of course it feels heavy. There is nothing on the agenda that your heart recognizes as nourishment. Your week is full, but it's not alive. You have plans, but none of them are giving you energy. You're busy, but you're not building a life you actually enjoy. Happy people are much more intentional.

Starting point is 00:20:21 They understand that joy requires daily design. And I know that can sound daunting. We want happiness to feel spontaneous. We want fun to just happen naturally. But as we get older, joy often has to be scheduled. Friendships have to be planned. Connection has to be initiated. The Harvard study of adult development,

Starting point is 00:20:41 one of the longest running studies on adult life, has repeatedly found that the quality of our relationships are strongly tied to happiness, health and longevity. Robert Waldinger, who's been on the show, who has directed the study, has emphasized that the quality of our relationships matters deeply for both happiness and health. The people we're connected to shape our stress, our resilience, our sense of meaning, and our experience of being alive. Relationships create happiness.

Starting point is 00:21:11 But relationships don't maintain themselves. That's why happy people don't just value relationships. They invest in them. They plan for them. They don't wait until they're lonely. to reach out to someone. They say, are you free Thursday? To a friend in the middle of a busy work week. This is one of the biggest mistakes people make, especially as they enter adulthood. They assume friendship should still be as convenient as it once was. But early in life,

Starting point is 00:21:40 institutions do the work for you. School puts you in the same room every day, college creates constant proximity, early jobs give you built-in social contact, but adult happiness requires much more intention. You have to create the rituals that used to be created for you. Sunday dinners, morning walks, monthly game nights, annual trips, book clubs, standing lunches, shared hobbies. Rituals removed the friction of planning because the calendar's already marked. You don't have to reinvent a reason for connection every week. You have to show up to something you're already looking forward to. I know in our busy lives it can feel hard to carve out time just for activities that make us happy. But the truth is, joy is not something that has to justify itself. I've noticed that especially for ambitious

Starting point is 00:22:25 people, it's easy to accidentally treat joy like something that's not enough on its own. For example, if we run, we track it. If we read, we count the books. If we go to dinner with friends, we post it. If we start a hobby, we wonder whether it could become a side hustle. If we rest, we call it recovery so it still seems productive. But in actuality, you need to allow the things that bring you joy to just be the things that bring you joy. We have to retrain our minds to realize that joy is enough to get out of an experience.

Starting point is 00:22:57 This episode is brought to you by Wayfair. Home should be a place that feels like a sanctuary, a space that truly reflects who you are, but it can be challenging to balance style, budget and endless options. I'm always looking for ways to improve the harmony of space at home,

Starting point is 00:23:12 but it isn't easy. I want pieces that can ground me and still hold up to the test of time. I went on way to be. and found a stunning solid wood nightstand and credenza I love. Now my bedroom is the perfect place to wind down. Both pieces are incredibly sturdy, grounding and completely transformed the energy of my space. Plus, you can shop with Wayfair verified, with product specialists carefully vet items for quality and functionality,

Starting point is 00:23:37 so you can shop with more confidence. And if putting it all together sounds like a headache, Wayfair can handle delivery, installation and assembly. Join Wayfair rewards today to get 5% back on every purchase and start saving on your next home upgrade. Head to Wayfair.com to shop all things home. That's W-A-Y-F-A-I-R.com. Wayfair. Every style, every home. The 7-Day Challenge is brought to you by Amazon Health AI.

Starting point is 00:24:05 Have you ever tried to figure out your body by endlessly searching and scrolling for answers online? We all do it, and it never really works. Thankfully, there's Amazon Health AI, which can keep you. connect your symptoms with your medical history and get you care 24-7. So call off the search, Amazon Health AI is here. Before we finish, I want to leave you with this week's seven-day challenge. For the next seven days, I want you to intentionally schedule one thing every day that brings you joy. Maybe that's grabbing a coffee with a friend, taking a walk without your headphones,

Starting point is 00:24:37 reading 10 pages of a book, calling someone you love. Maybe it's watching the sunset, cooking your favorite meal. Whatever it is, put it on your calendar before the day begins and then protect that time the way you would an important meeting. At the end of the week, ask yourself one question. Did I create moments of joy or did I wait for them to happen? Because happy people don't wait for happiness to arrive. They participate in creating it. I'll see you back here next week.

Starting point is 00:25:07 The seven day challenge was brought to you by Amazon Health AI. Call off the search, Amazon Health AI is here. care just got less painful. Most likely if you're struggling with happiness, you've been living in a constant state of go, go, go, without ever pausing. You've been reacting to life, but not actively designing it. You've been maintaining where you're at, but not creating new opportunities. You've been surviving your schedule, but not looking forward to it. So here's the practice to take away. Before the end of the day today, put one thing on your calendar that you will look forward to. something that is purely just to bring joy.

Starting point is 00:25:47 It can be small, coffee with a friend, walk somewhere in nature, a movie night, workout class, a dinner, day trip, solo museum visit, a morning where you don't have to rush, a recipe you've wanted to cook, something that tells your brain there is joy coming ahead and then do that every week. Not because it fixes everything, not because it removes hardship, but because you're teaching yourself that happiness is something you participate. in creating. Now, let's bring all three mindset shifts together. Happy people believe they have agency. They don't look at their lives and say, there's nothing I can do. They look for the next

Starting point is 00:26:25 right action. They reclaim their response. They refuse to let pain become their entire identity. Happy people don't postpone joy. They stop treating it like a reward that arrives only after every goal is complete. They find ways to live inside the unfinished parts of life. And they enjoy the small things, things and the things most people overlook. And finally, happy people actively create a life they enjoy. They don't wait for connection, fun, rest or adventure. They put it on the calendar. They nurture relationships. They create rituals. They give themselves something to look forward to. And underneath all three is the same message. Happy people are not passive. They participate in their relationships. They participate in building positive structures. They participate in their own growth. They participate in their own

Starting point is 00:27:13 growth because happiness is not something you can wait for but it is something you can practice it's something you can create through the way you respond the way you connect and the way you choose to live before everything is perfect so if you've been feeling unhappy i don't want you to shame yourself that's not what this is about shame does not create agency instead i want you to gently ask yourself where in my life are things more in my control than I've been giving myself credit for. If you repeatedly tell yourself you're powerless, you will always live like you are. But if you repeatedly choose agency, you build confidence. If you repeatedly choose presence, you build gratitude. And if you repeatedly choose connection, anticipation and planning, you build a life that can hold happiness even when things get hard.

Starting point is 00:28:09 The happiest people aren't the people who won the lottery of life. They're the people who stopped waiting for life to make them happy and actively made lives they enjoy. They stopped being the victim and started taking action. And before we finish, I want to clarify something about the word victim because I know it's a loaded word. Most people listening to this have gone through something hard. We've all been hurt.

Starting point is 00:28:35 We've all been treated unfairly. Most of us have experienced real loss, heartbreak, rejectional grief. Many people listening are probably going to be. going through something really difficult right now. You can and will be a victim in certain circumstances that you're going through, but it is a choice to continue living in the state of perpetual victimhood. I'm talking about the moment when a painful chapter becomes the lens through which you view your entire life. And that may be for some time, but you don't want one disappointment forever to become evidence that nothing will work out ever again. When one rejection

Starting point is 00:29:12 becomes proof that you'll always be unworthy. Because the longer we carry those narratives, the unhappy our lives become. We stop taking chances. We stop believing things can change. We stop imagining a future that looks different from the present. Our minds are constantly looking for evidence to support what we already believe. If you believe nothing ever works out, you'll keep collecting proof. But if you believe, you'll have an amazing, fulfilling day tomorrow. tomorrow begins to feel a little different. The happiest people I've met are not the people with the fewest problems. They're the people who refuse to build an identity around those problems.

Starting point is 00:29:55 They understand that the hard things that have happened to them matter. But they also understand that what happens next matters more. When you put these three ideas together, something powerful happens. You remember that you're the leader of your own life, your own joy. and your own future. You have more control than you realize. So make a fun plan. Take care of yourself. And remember, you already have all the agency you need to create the happiness you've been seeking. Remember, I'm forever in your corner and I'm always rooting for you.

On Purpose with Jay Shetty - 3 Things Happy People Do Differently

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