On Purpose with Jay Shetty - 3 Ways to Know if You are Being Codependent & Why We Should Practice Forgiveness

Episode Date: December 23, 2022

Today, I will be sharing with you my conversation with Whitney Cummings from her Good For You podcast. In this conversation, we deep-dived into codependency and we also did the Vedic personality test from my book, Think Like A Monk, to help better understand yourself. If you want to pre-order the book, 8 Rules of Love, go to https://8rulesoflove.com/Key Takeaways:00:00:00 Intro00:01:07 Codependency00:02:52 Giving is selfish00:04:17 When does self-care become selfish?00:06:24 Friendship is not obligatory00:09:28 We all want an answer00:11:29 Why we choose familiar pain over unfamiliar pain00:13:19 Vedic Personality Test00:15:16 Question #1: Which of the following sounds most like what you’re about?00:16:31 Question #2: What role do you play in your friend circle and family?00:18:42 Question #3: What is most important to you in a partner?00:20:52 Question #4: What do you watch most often on TV?00:25:31 Question #5: What causes you the most pain?00:29:13 Question #6: What is your favorite way of working?00:33:51 Question #7: How would your ideal self spend/spare time?00:36:49 Question #8: How would you describe yourself in 3 words?00:37:22 Question #9: What type of environment do you work best?00:38:41 Question #10: How do you prepare for a vacation?00:40:33 Question #11: How do you feel if you make a mistake?00:45:23 Question #12: What do you do when you have to make a big decision?00:46:52 Question #13: Which best describes your daily routine?00:49:23 ResultsLike this show? Please leave us a review here - even one sentence helps! Post a screenshot of you listening on Instagram & tag us so we can thank you personally!Want to be a Jay Shetty Certified Life Coach? Get the Digital Guide and Workbook from Jay Shetty https://jayshettypurpose.com/fb-getting-started-as-a-life-coach-podcast/ If you want to order my book, Think Like A Monk, go to https://thinklikeamonkbook.com/See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

I'm Jay Shetty and on my podcast on purpose, I've had the honor to sit down with some of the most incredible hearts and minds on the planet. Oprah, Kobe Bryant, Kevin Hart, Louis Hamilton, and many, many more. On this podcast, you get to hear the raw real-life stories behind their journeys and the tools they used, the books they read, and the people that made a difference in their lives so that they can make a difference in hours. Listen to on purpose with Jay Shetty on the I Heart Radio app, Apple podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Join the journey soon. Hey, it's Debbie Brown, host of the Deeply Well Podcast, where we hold conscious conversations with leaders and radical healers and wellness around topics that are meant to expand and support

you on your wellbeing journey. Deeply well is your soft place to land, to work on yourself without judgment, to heal, to learn, to grow, to become who you deserve to be. Deeply well with Debbie Brown is available now on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Namaste. Hi, I'm David Eagleman. I have a new podcast called Inner Cosmos on I Heart. I'm going to explore the relationship between our brains and our experiences by tackling unusual questions. Like, can we create new senses for humans? So join me weekly to uncover how your brain steers your behavior, your perception,

and your reality. Listen to Intercosmos with David Eagleman on the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose, the number one health podcast in the world. Thanks to each and every one of you that come back every week to listen, learn and grow. Now, today's episode is a bit of a rewind. I had an amazing conversation with the incredible Whitney Cumming. She interviewed me if you don't know a phenomenal comedian. I know so many of you must be a fan. And the way she interviewed me was so smart. She actually asked me questions from my book, think like a monk, from the purpose chapter and broke it down incredibly well. So if you want to hear a full on entertaining and lightening and phenomenal conversation

with the one and only Whitney Cummings, this episode is for you. What I love about this episode is how open I get, how reflective I get, and hopefully you get to learn a bit more about my journey, especially if you love the book, think like a monk, I know you're here. I'm sorry, I have to be here. Thank you, and I'm grateful to be here. The thing I really want to start with to frame this conversation with you is that so much of what you talk about is about compassion and kindness and service. And on this podcast, all of you that know me know that

I am in recovery for co-dependence. And a big part of co-dependence is you give too much of yourself. You become a doormat. You have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility. You martyr yourself for people. You know, in codependence, we do the three M's. Martyr, micromanage, and mother.

We rescue people. We self-deprived. We give too much, right? Codependence breeds resentment. Perfectionism. We're the people that cook them full meal for our whole family, but don't eat anything at the end. We're eating scraps over the kitchen sink, right?

So we are too nice sometimes. And so as I was reading your book, I found myself going, I hope in this conversation, we can sort of talk about how to tell when you're compassion and love and forgiveness and kindness, which you talk about so elegantly in your book, how we can develop the skill to delineate when it's codependence and when it's thinking like a monk.

I love that. I'm totally with you on that. And that's such an important point, because I think that's the difference that I think a lot of these words now have become buzzwords. Yes. And they fly around. And because of that, we have a really beginners

understanding of these deep, essential qualities and values. And so we practice them at beginner's level. And at that level, they're still based on wanting validation. They're still based on wanting to fit in. They're still based on wanting to be a part of being dependent or being codependent. They're not coming from a place of internal purification and greatness.

So I'm totally with you on that. And I'm- It's really about motives. If you find yourself, and if someone were to ask me, because I love that you talk about service in this book, it's such a big part of, I think, what is going to fix everything that's broken in our society is to be able to give, and I think people don't understand

that giving is actually selfish. You know, I feel like I'm saying this in a way that's grosser, which is why my book probably wasn't the number one bestseller. And his was because I say, I sound like a psychopath, which is like, when you give to others, it's selfish. You benefit when you give.

So it's like everybody wins. It's like forgiveness. We forgive others not because they deserve forgiveness, but because we deserve peace. Forgiveness is selfish. Absolutely, but the intention with which we give defines how deeply we feel it. So let's take, for example, two people

who want to give in charity this year. One person wants to give it because they really believe that the kids deserve more food and better shelter and better support. The other person gives because they think it will be a good PR story or they think that it would look good for them to give it. Correct.

So you've got two people, let's say they both give a million dollars each. It's obvious who's going to feel more joy. Now bear in mind the kids benefit of the money either way. But the person giving only receives joy when they did it with the intention of actually serving. Yes. And that's the missing link around giving because giving isn't just the act of time money. It's the act of energy, presence and intention.

And also just taking your mind off yourself. I mean, in 12-step programs, the reason we do service, like, honestly, is to take the focus off yourself because the more we... and it's tricky and I find myself struggling with the balance of this like self help, self love and self, self, self, self, self, self, and when it becomes selfish and when it's self-listened and you know my brain I just get so turned around in self-care. All I do is think about myself and take care of myself and myself and it's just me, me, me, me ultimately. And when does self-care become selfish? And you do a really good job, I think,

for anyone that is confused, laying it out in a way that it's not like, and also for people that non-Hollywood people, the people that are by your book that we're actually talking to and not amongst, like, who, they're like, I have three jobs. All I do is serve. Yeah, yeah, exactly. I have four kids.

Exactly. I actually need to do less service. I actually need to be less compassionate and take care of myself. Just like finding that balance. Yeah, absolutely. And that's what I loved about the monk path that I chose that the morning was all about the self.

Yeah. And then rest of the day was about service. And that gives you a really good blueprint around how that works in the sense of, if you've not done something for yourself every day, if you've not taken your time to invest in yourself every day, and that isn't just a, you know, it's, it comes so much from understanding yourself and understanding yourself comes from the place of knowing

yourself and getting to know yourself. And most of us spend so much time codependency trying to get to know someone else and what their needs are. Participate their needs and then shape shift so that I can be what I think you want. Totally, evolve. I want to evolve and transform into this person that will be the best for them. But what about if you did that for yourself to start with?

And so most of us don't even know what we wanna eat for dinner on a given day. Or like when our favorite movies are, we struggle, we sit there for like hours trying to figure out what to watch. Because we haven't really got to know ourselves. And so to me, getting to know yourself is very basic. After you eat a meal, ask yourself, did I enjoy that?

What did I like about it? Did I feel great 24 hours after reading it? After watching a movie, what did I like about it? Why did I enjoy it? Those basic questions will give you your mind's deeper understanding of yourself. God, it's so important, Jay, I can't believe, like it took me so long, I just turned 38.

You're September 6th, I'm September 4th. I know, Beyonce and many others. Yeah, Virgo season. Because I can't believe how much of my life I have spent doing things that I didn't even really wanna do and that I didn't, I didn't even know. Someone would ask me to go for a hike and I'd be like, sure, like I just thought friendships felt obligatory.

I just felt they kind of felt like work. I just felt like you kind of had to agree with things that you didn't want to agree with. I just felt like you kind of had to laugh at jokes that weren't funny. I just thought that's what friendship was. I didn't know. And reading this book, it really made me stop and go like,

okay, I just hang out with that person. Did it fill me up? Do I feel depleted by that person? When they text me, do I get a pit in my stomach? Am I excited to respond? Or, can I just respond whenever I want? Because I had all these friendships that were like, oh god, she texted me, I need to text her back,

or I'll show them mad that we're all about keeping score and they were all about recreating my childhood circumstance of a borderline personality, narcissist mother, and you, and I think some few of us just stop and go, did I enjoy that meal? Yeah. Do I even like these movies? Do I even like this person that I'm hanging out with every day?

Yeah. And it all comes from confirmation bias. So we have this safety mechanism of it's more comfortable for the mind to feel we agree, then create a moment of conflict. So the mind will continuously confirm and surround ourselves with people that confirm our biases or we confirm theirs for the feeling of comfort. So we feel better when it's like, are you telling me you like that blood orange energy drink? So for me, to feel like we

fit in and we're going to get along and we're going to have a friendship for a long time, I would feel like if I confirmed that bias, I've not tried it before, then I would feel like I fit in with you. And that's kind of how we were trained as kids. Why are to kind of, for harmony? Correct, we're wired for harmony, but we look to harmonize over the wrong thing. We harm, and then what happens, this is an arcase, but then you say you like, that's not like great.

And then I like, and now you just made a friend that you don't want. Totally. And now every time I come here, you give me this drink. Yes, and now you have to drink it. It's sort of like, it's dishonest. And I think that that served us really well

in tribal times when we needed safety from the tribes before alarm systems and locks on doors because we needed safety from everyone, right? But now these are these like obsolete tools that are frankly liabilities. Like to me, I see an epidemic of just being too nice. If you create a harmony with toxic people, does not benefit you.

No, and over dishonest things, I think that's really important, that you can connect. And also when you're looking at a thing or object or a like or a dislike to connect, it's a pretty shallow ground to connect on, because you may change your mind about that drink tomorrow. And now we're talking about drinks, but you may change your mind on a hobby,

you may change your mind on an interest, you may change your mind about that drink tomorrow. And now we're talking about drinks, but you may change your mind on a hobby, you may change your mind on an interest, you may change your mind on an activity, but usually people stay pretty grounded to values and qualities. And that's kind of, this confirmation bias is just created so many issues because we also go around and look for people who confirm our biases.

So then we get into this bubble and this cloud of thinking that we can't break. You're making me realize something. I think that is just we all can look at. We are, we love black and white thinking because humans love, we want an answer. Even if it's the wrong answer. Yeah. It's so true.

So that we have some semblance of control. And I'm in this new relationship and I find myself wanting to, it's not a relationship. What am I saying? Black and white thinking. it's somewhere in between. We're not dating and we're not together. I want so badly to feel safe. My inner child needs an answer so bad that I'm like, do you like to travel or do you not like to travel?

And he'll be like, well, it depends on where I'm traveling. And I'm like, well, what's the, you know, and so do you cheat or do you not cheat? And he's like, well, it's different with me. None of these answers are going to apply to me because this is a new situation, but it's made me realize how anxious, preoccupied and how much I perseverate and how much

my inner child panics, which she doesn't have an answer. Yes. And I think if we just acknowledge, like you talk about in this book and are being so elegant about it now, if we just acknowledge our need for the polarity, we can then release it. It's just like even the awareness of knowing.

Totally, and we're all so much more proportions and percentages in different scenarios than we are one or the other. And it's the same thing I say to people when they're like, oh, yeah, you know, I don't know if my intention is completely pure or if it's material or spiritual, I'm like, we're both. All of it.

Like it's all of it. Like me too, like we all are. Like you're always trying to move in the right direction. The problem is we're addicted to a right decision, right? And that's the problem. We're just trying to move into the right direction. We're just moving closer to that. And as long as you're moving closer in the right direction

with someone, with yourself, with whatever it is that you're learning, don't give so much emphasis to the decision that the direct answer, the destination, all of that kind of, you're so right about what you just said about the child and so many of us, not having had clarity as young people about where we stood with our parents

or where we stood with our partners. And now we demand what we did or didn't get from our parents in our relationships. It's the unfinished business. Yeah. You know, it's sort of like it took me so long to stop recreating my childhood circumstances because I think we have this subconscious pull, obviously, to recreate the neurochemical cocktail that's comfortable for us.

It's like when you see someone in a crazy relationship and you're like, how do they deal with that all day? They're in a cocoon. They are so comfortable doing it. That is all they know. It's like the devil, you know. And I find myself recreating my childhood circumstances. And yes, trying to basically just heal that wound, heal that wound, who's going to heal it, who's going to fix it.

And it's there, no one, you have to do it. Yeah, there's a beautiful statement that you reminded me of by a monk named Tick Nhat Han. He's incredible. And he said that we choose familiar pain over unfamiliar pain. Every time we just repeat it because that familiar pain gives us a feeling of safety, of security, of like,

I know what pain I'm going to feel. And I'd rather keep repeating it than maybe venture out into this new land of unfamiliar pain, which I don't know what it feels like. It's comfortable. Yeah, it's comfortable. Yeah, it's like that pair of heels that always gives you a blister.

I got the manatee. It's amazing how, and I think that I'm glad that we're talking about this because we are so adaptable. Like, there's so many people that reach out to me and they're like, it's too late for me to change. It's too late for me to go to Allen on meetings. It's too late for me to stop being jealous and possessive and to love addict or sex addict or whatever? Is it not like, dude, we think about how quickly

you adjusted to those sandals that are giving you blister. So you were like, just put in a bandaid and I'm just gonna take them off after an hour at the wedding. Like we actually can't adjust so quickly. That is a great analogy. I'm gonna share that now from now and I love that one. I'm gonna be like, yeah, Whitney and me, we're like, yeah, this was, that is a brilliant analogy.

I love it. You're gonna talk about blisters. I'm gonna talk about blisters and heels. And yeah, I'm gonna check you know my goodness. Like when I wear heels, you'll really fit in an hour. Okay, there's a Vedic personality test in your book. Will you tell me about it?

So when I lived as a monk and we started the Vedas, I came across this incredible concept, name Dharma. And Dharma is very difficult to translate into English, but when you do it, the closest things are eternal purpose and inherent nature, or your natural inclination. And those are things, it's almost like, well, what is your natural, most effortless, flow-filled state that you can live by, that you fill, full-filled in. Right. And so when you break that down, you get Dharma basically equates to an equation, which is passion, plus strengths, plus compassion. What is at the center of all of that? That is Dharma. And so the personality test that I give is to help me. When I've loved, so first

of all, there is no personality test or astrological chart that's going to give you the answer that you need, but they're good indicators and singers. Are you trying to say astrology is not a science, Jay? I mean, it is a science. Class for me. But I'm not sure how many people can do it properly. But this personality test was put in there to help people get closer to the answer. And that's what I think all of these tools do. It's just about moving you in the right direction.

But you're making me realize, like, I wanna do a couple of these. Yeah, let's do it. Has anyone done this? Has anyone given you the Vedic personality test? I've done it on my own. But publicly? Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, great, oh, let's do it.

Oh, great, oh, great, yeah, I love that. Hi, this is, I just love this book because it's like, it's real tools. I'm sorry, there's a lot of like, buy astal water bottle and your life will get better. Like, what are you talking about? Use charcoal toothpaste and you'll find your soulmate.

Like, this is actual like, how to rewire your brain, how to get to know yourself better with actual tools instead of just like random quotes that are always attributed to Oscar Wilde, even though he didn't say half that. And we know it. Okay, you're gonna answer these questions as who you believe you are at the core. Beyond what friends, family, or society have made you choose,

which of the following sounds, and I want you guys to follow along and take this quiz with us. I like it. Which of the following sounds most like what you're about? Values in wisdom, integrity and perfection, work hard, play hard, or stability and balance. Yeah, so a very important question.

I'm gonna add a caveat to help everyone out as well. Seeing as this is the first time everyone's doing it publicly with us. Everyone's follow along, get your pen and balance. Yeah, so a very important question. I'm going to add a caveat to help everyone out as well. Seeing as this is the first time everyone's doing it publicly with us. Everyone's following along, get your pen and paper. Is you're not trying to answer it as what your jobs made you? You're not trying to answer as what you've become because of something like sometimes we become something because we had to become it to be more successful. You want to answer it at your core and the closer you get to it, and that's hard.

I get that. That's not easy to do. But the more you keep asking yourself, the question, sometimes they say to this, like the first thing you think of as you, that's actually not true. It's actually you need more stillness, silence, and solitude and space to actually slow down a bit

and go, well, what am I really? And it's also not your ideal self. So that's the other mistake. See, extremes again, we oscillate between our society, self, and our ideal self. So then people answer it, it's like, oh yeah, that's the one I want to, extremes again, we oscillate between our society self and our ideal self. So then people answer it, it's like, oh yeah, that's the one I wanna be. So it's not that.

I am Yomla. And on my podcast, the R-Spot, we're having inspirational, educational, and sometimes difficult and challenging conversations about relationships. They may not have the capacity to give you what you need, and insisting means that you are abusing yourself now. You human.

That means that you're crazy as hell, just like the rest of us. When a relationship breaks down, I take copious notes, and want to share them with you. Anybody with two eyes and a brain knows that too much Alfredo sauce is just no good for you. But if you're going to eat it, they're not going to stop you. So he's going to continue to give you the Alfredo sauce and put it even on your grits

if you don't stop him. Listen to the art spot on the iHeart Video app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you listen to podcasts. I'm Jay Shetty, and on my podcast on purpose, I've had the honor to sit down with some of the most incredible hearts and minds on the planet. Oprah, everything that has happened to you

can also be a strength builder for you if you allow it. Kobe Bryant. The results don't really matter. It's the figuring out that matters. Kevin Haw. It's not about us as a generation at this point. It's about us trying our best to create change. Luminous Hamilton.

That's for me being taken that moment for yourself each day, being kind to yourself, because I think for a long time, I wasn't kind to myself. And many, many more. If, being kind to yourself, because I think for a long time I wasn't kind to myself. And many, many more. If you're attached to knowing, you don't have a capacity to learn. On this podcast, you get to hear the raw, real-life stories behind their journeys, and the tools they used, the books they read, and the people that made a difference in their lives so that

they can make a difference in hours. Listen to on purpose with Jay Shetty on the IHAR Radio app, Apple podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Join the journey soon. Hey, it's Debbie Brown. And my podcast, Deeply Well, is a soft place to land on your wellness journey. I hold conscious conversations with leaders and radical healers and wellness and mental health around topics that are meant to expand and support you on your journey.

From guided meditations to deep conversations with some of the world's most gifted experts in self-care, trauma, psychology, spirituality, astrology, and even intimacy. Here is where you'll pick up the tools to live as your highest self. Make better choices. Heal and have more joy. My work is rooted in advanced meditation, metaphysics, spiritual psychology, energy healing, and trauma-informed practices. I believe that the more we heal and grow within

ourselves, the more we are able to bring our creativity to life and live our purpose, which leads to community impact and higher consciousness for all beings. Deeply well with Debbie Brown is your soft place to land, to work on yourself without judgment, to heal, to learn, to grow, to become who you deserve to be. Deeply well is available now on the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to podcasts.

Big love. Namaste. As I'm looking at this, woo, I was like, well, this is what my dad would have wanted. My dad would have wanted work hard play hard. And I was gonna pick work hard play hard. It should be work hard, cry hard. That's a good one.

But I think I'm values in wisdom. Yeah, and so I am too. Oh, this is a good one. What role do you play in your friend's circle and family? A, I am comfortable dealing with conflict and helping people find middle ground. My role is the mediator. B, I make sure everything and everyone is taken care of.

My role is the protector. I feel like that might be me. I have, I help my family understand work at the hustle and the value of having resources. My role is material support. I think I'm that now, hit my Venmo. D, I focus on nurturing and wanting a healthy and content family.

My role is emotional support. So I'll give it again, another side note for everyone who's watching and listening. You probably do all four of these. I was gonna say, I'm so glad we're doing this together because I've picked five different ones and now that you're here. Yeah, we can talk about it, that's all the point. So you're gonna feel, and'm so glad we're doing this together because I picked five different ones and now that you're here. Yeah, we can talk about it, that's all point.

So you're gonna feel, and especially when you read these, you're always going to feel like you're everything. And the reason for that is we've never really spent the time to think about who we really are. And also I shape shift and I'm different based on who I'm with and who people want me to be. Correct. And so you wanna pull back again and go,

I am all for, but in which order am I? Right, so you want to break it down and be like, well, which one do I prioritize the first? So I'll give an example. It's almost like if you were put into a situation where you had to make a choice, which one do you say, this is the first thing I think about, right? This is the first thing I think about

when it comes to my family. So if you heard, if someone called you up and said, I want to tell you something about your family, which is the first thing that you think of that comes to your mind. To mediate, would you protect, would you material support or emotional support? Correct. Like, which one do you feel drawn to play as a role first and most? Correct. First and most because you are all of them. We all are. I think protector. Right. I'm like vicious about that. I'm the mediator. Really? Yeah, I'm the mediator.

I have been since I was a kid. You're Switzerland. You're neutral. Is that it? Like, no, kind of. No, I wouldn't say I'm neutral. I would say that I'm, yeah, maybe, maybe. I guess that's a definition of neutral.

We're non-judgmental. Yeah, one that can see all sides. I try to. Yeah, I've always been that way. That really annoys my family. Because people in my family will be like, well, why don't you see it from my side more than you see it from there? Oh, you must be a nightmare. I am terrible. I'm terrible to have in my family were like, well, why don't you see it from my side more than you see it from there. Oh, you must be a nightmare. I am terrible. Terrible. Terrible to have a family.

Terrible to have a monk in the family. There's no way you can ever communicate me. There's no way you can win a fight with a monk. What is the most important to you in a partner? Number A, literacy. A, honest and smart, B, strongence and Power, C, Fun and Dynamic, D, Reliable and Respectful. E, all of the above. No, that's not. Go ahead, credit. Yeah, that's not. That's not.

Neither of them are on that. Again, you won all four. Yeah, that's great. But again, and therefore, a lot of relationships come down into two areas. Where we get to the polygamy part of Jay's philosophy. Yeah, that's chapter 13. We didn't make the book more men as well. Didn't make the book.

But that's important because the two sides of that are in a relationship, you have priorities and preferences. Right? There are things that you will prioritize that you really want in someone. And then there have to be preferences where you're like, that's a bonus, I like that, but it's not all going to be there. It would be nice. Yeah, it would be nice. Exactly there. Would be nice. Yeah, would be nice.

Exactly. Would be nice, not essential. I wanted to say a honest and smart, and that is super important to me, but strong presence in power. I'm embarrassed to admit it, and I'm ashamed, but I do lose attraction to people if they're not powerful. But I like to feel. You should be ashamed of that.

Yeah. You should be embarrassed about that at all. Okay. Tall. Yeah. All I care about is tall. I'm sure. Sure.

But you should. No, I need... I do need someone who feels powerful, who I feel protected by. But that's looking for a father. But that's... Yeah. I get it. But you definitely shouldn't feel embarrassed about it.

Yeah. And I think that's partly what it is, is that when we do these activities, we kind of look for the one that makes us feel the most comfortable and happy, rather than the one that's actually true. And that's why we attract the wrong people into our life. And that's why we spend 10 years with someone and we're not sure they're the right person,

but because they looked good on paper and... Just be honest with each other. Like, as I'm taking this quiz, I'm trying to impress Jay with a good answer instead of saying the truth. And the truth impresses me more than the impressive answer. It's the people like you so much more. Well, like when you're trying to get validation from people, the irony is trying to get it

and being anxious is what's repellent. So just being honest is what makes people like you. And all it can be so long to realize that. And all of these ideas have been planted in our minds. This is a good question that I struggled with answering. What do you watch most often on TV? A, Documentaries Biographies and Human Observations. B, Entertainment Politics, Current Affairs.

C, Comedy Sport, Drama, Motivational Stories. D, Soap Opers, Reality TV, Family, Gossip Daytime Show. And I'm curious if the mode of matters, because I definitely watch Documentaries Biographies the most, but it's because I'm insecure about my intelligence. It's embarrassing to admit, but I watch TV as a way to try to get smarter, to try to get information,

to try to be interesting, and to try, because my biggest fear in life is being boring, in a conversation, or not knowing something that someone else knows, and, or like having the film on a group where everyone's seen something and I haven't. So it's like if everyone's watching a documentary,

I'm like, I have to watch it so that I'm not left out. So does it matter that that's why I want pick A? No, because it's mixed again. So what I heard in there is there was a lot of values and wisdom there, like you wanna have more knowledge, you wanna have more insight. Now the reason you wanna have it isn't perfect, but that's not bad, it's better to be informed

than uninformed. So you're winning already but I think all of us have to move in our values. So I'll give you a, this is going to sum it up really beautifully. In the Bhagavad Gita, there's three intentions behind everything. And they're either the mode of ignorance, the mode of passion, or the mode of goodness. So there are these three modes that any action, any habit, any intention can be done in. So the mode of ignorance is when you do things out of fear or anxiety. The mode of passion is when you do things for desire or result. And the mode of goodness is when you do things from love or compassion or curiosity.

Like that kind of like love or thirst. And so in that, most of us, including me, our state of being is very mode of ignorance. We do most of what we do out of fear and anxiety. And the problem with that is that when you do something out of fear and anxiety, it doesn't suddenly transform into love and compassion or joy or meaning or purpose.

It stays that way and continues to perpetuate that cycle of needing to get more of that fear and anxiety. So that's something that we can push an upgrade from. So next time you want to do something and you're watching a documentary, be like, all right, right now I'm starting this by doing it because I'm scared of not looking smart or not being conversationalist. But actually, you know what?

This time, I'm going to intentionally change my intention to be because I'm going to do it because I just love being informed and I want to be informed So I can share this and you literally do that intentionally and you will see how your experience changes It's it's that metaphysical like literally sitting there and just Literally walking yourself through it and changing your mindset around something can change your experience of it As soon as you feel guilty or judge yourself or criticize yourself You actually start losing energy to that. And that's the same energy that's going to help you get out of that.

And so as monks, it was almost like you would laugh when you'd catch yourself letting the monkey mind go loose. And so in the beginning of the book, I said, we got the monkey mind and the monk mind. The monk mind almost laughs when it notices the monkey and goes, ah, okay, I see you, I see you, I see you, my fear. I see ego, I see what you're trying to do there. And it's that kind of like fun, playful spotting. It's almost like you just saw your dog running around outside. You're like, I can't say mad at you.

You're silly, good. Exactly. I love that. And that's something we do in the most of programs is you befriend your character defects because they are trying to protect you. They're trying to help you. It's like when your dog goes out and barks at the mailman and you're like, you know it's not a threat,

but the dog is just trying to protect you, you know? And so... And the off chance that the dog's right when it isn't the mailman, like... Yes, because sometimes those tools worked really well and there were real threats back in the day. And those tools, weapons were very necessary, but they just, they're now obsolete, like the war is over, right? As we say in program, the war is over, you lost. Like, I love that. Like just sort of having levity around the your negative intermonologue or your negative thoughts.

Like you don't have to take them seriously. They don't have to. It's like watching Star Wars or say it's it's it's just a it's just a science fiction movie. Totally. I'm not good enough. He doesn't like me. I suck.

I'm gonna be alone forever. Like you those don't have to be true. It's like a, oh, those are just crazy thoughts and they're silly. Totally. I'm not good enough. He doesn't like me. I suck. I'm going to be alone forever. Like you they those don't have to be true. It's like a oh those are just crazy thoughts and they're silly. Yeah. I love that. Yeah. And yeah. And what we do in, you know, program is if you have a character defect, sometimes you name them like your selfishness has a name and you're like, Hey Bill, like what are you doing here today? Oh, you want to come say hi? Like, I don't need you today. I'm good. You know, you can sit back on the bench. Yeah. Like don't need you in the game today. Yeah. I love that. I love that. Yeah. And I'm good. You can sit back on the bench. Don't need you in the game today. I love that. I love that.

Yeah, and 12-star program is amazing. It's so well designed from a human psychology point of view, and it's just that naming people voices in your head is brilliant. Yes. It's so important making them characters, because then otherwise you think they're you. That's the point. That's the whole point of it. I love you.

What causes you the most pain? A, feeling like I don't live up to my own expectations. B, the state of the world. C, a sense of rejection. D, feeling disconnected from friends and family. Yeah. That's a big one. Repeat the first one again.

Feeling like I don't live up to my own expectations. Yeah, is that the first one? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. That can be mine. That's yours, you think? Yeah, that's definitely mine. What causes you the most pain?

This is a tricky one. Being rejected by men I don't even like. Yeah. That one? Feeling like I don't live up to my own expectations. Yeah, that's definitely my one. But, but my own expectations are outrageous. They're ridiculous.

But that's why we shouldn't feel that bad. Yeah, and by the way, I've achieved most of them against all us. I should just be like thinking I'm awesome. You should. And instead, I'm like, I achieved that impossible thing, but I was wearing the wrong shirt. And I had sweat stains. You gave a terrible speech.

Yes. Yeah, gave a terrible speech. You get, or I'll go like, you kill with that speech and then I'll be, oh, God, how much attention do you need? How much desperate, like, oh. We do that constantly. It's just like, it's just so. Roasting myself. Roasting yourself. You've just reminded me of one of my favorite stories

that actually I didn't put in the book. It's a story told by the Buddha. I'm feeling you'll get another offer for a book. I'm feeling you'll have a sequel here. It's a story that the Buddha used to tell. And in the book, it's a story told by the Buddha. I'm feeling you'll get another offer for a book. I'm feeling you'll have a sequel here. It's a story that the Buddha used to tell. And in this story, it's like, this person comes across a river and it's a fast-flowing river.

And the person wants to get across to get to their destination. And so they're looking at and going, okay, well, what do I do? What do I do? And they start noticing that there's some bamboo sticks around, they can find some robe, they can find some things to make a little raft. So they start gathering all of this stuff, laying it on top of each other, trying to tie it all up together, and they finally create this raft.

And then they create a little awe with a stick, and then they go onto the water and they get to the other side. And when they get to the other side, they go, this person says, oh wow, this raft literally saved my life. Like this raft is amazing. Without this raft, I would never have crossed this river. And so what they do is they strap the raft to their back because they're like, I have to take this raft with me because it's so important to me. And so they start walking, start walking, start walking. And now as they walk away, they now come

through one of the most wooded lands in the world. So all these trees are in front of them. And they start trying to get through and they realize that they can't get through because this raft is strapped to their back and they try to let maneuver and swish through. And then they come to realize this and the person realizes that actually this raft that got them here is not gonna help them go through this. And they have to let go of the raft.

They have to let go of the thing that actually saved them in the past or help them get through the past because it's no longer relevant today and and the Buddha obviously goes on to tell us that that's our habits That's how our mindsets That's even our skills and our strengths. We may have had something that saved us five years ago Ten years ago, but don't hold on to it because you think it's still useful Because actually it could make your life a living hell. Like trying to get a raft through the wooded land

would actually be a lot harder. But what if there's another river, then you'll build another raft? Then you build another raft, that's the point. You'll build another... You'll figure it out again, because you know you've done it before. So that you can always go back to it.

But sometimes you have to leave behind the tools or at least put them back in the toolkit for now and learn another tool or learn another approach. And I think that's what 12 step is, that's what this is, that's what everything we're discussing is just us going, oh well, there may be a tool that I haven't yet going my toolbox that's gonna help me. Which is why we say one day at a time,

because you go not yesterday, not tomorrow, what about just now, right? So stop trying to solve problems, or anticipate problems from five days from now, and you can't stay clean on the shower you took yesterday. What is your favorite way of working? A, alone but with mentors and guides, B, in a team as a leader,

C, independently, but with a strong network, D, in a team as a member. C, I have this constitutional need to be special. And I'm like, none of these apply to me, because I'm so special, which is me. I'm glad you said that. Which is important. It's a big part of the addictive personality

to go, no one understands me, no one knows the kind of pain I'm in, I'm so unique, no one will ever get me, which is why I need to do this addictive behavior and I'm different. So I had, I'm having a little bit of that company. That's good. I'm having a little bit of it come up right now. I would, well, because I'm like,

I do this weird job where I do stand up and it's, so I would say it would be independently, but with a strong network, because I do what I do independently, but I couldn't do it without the fans in the audience. Yeah. So, yeah, this question is all about the energy that you thrive in. So a lot of people, for example, feel the pressure today to be leaders or entrepreneurs or CEOs because almost like there's this influx of like excitement in the industry today

of seeing more people be founders. And now everyone thinks they have to be a founder or everyone thinks they have to be a YouTuber because that's the cool thing. And so it's like everyone wants to be the front of house. Interesting. When actually a lot of us drive being Steven Spielberg, right? Or a lot of us drive being the person behind the camera,

a lot of us drive being the two wonderful, right? A lot of us drive being the person behind the camera. A lot of us drive being the two wonderful people that we have here today, or recording. What we call worker bees. That's what my therapist always says. She's like, you work or be. You don't always have my matchbox with bees. You don't always have to be the face or the hero of every.

Correct. Sometimes you're not the best qualified. Totally. Everyone is sort of the queen bee of their, there's everyone's a, what did you say? Everyone's the singer. Yeah. Just the band looks different.

Yeah, that's interesting. Yeah. Like my producers are singer. Like everyone's a singer. There's no background. It's just a different dynamic. Yeah, and I definitely see total value in that mindset. And then you see it the way that people can apply it

to their life. So there's this great conversation between Steve Wozniak and Steve Jobs and they acted out in the movie that they made. And so Steve Wozniak and I'm a big Steve Jobs fan and if you haven't read Walter Isaacson's book on him, it's amazing. And so Steve Wozniak is looking at Steve Jobs and having an argument and he says to Steve Jobs, he goes, well, what do you even do? And imagine looking at Steve Jobs and going, what do you even do?

And Steve Wozniak goes, you're not an engineer, you're not a coder, you're not an artist, you're not a marketer, whatever he says. He says, what do you even do? And Steve Jobs says, musicians play their instruments. I play the orchestra. Yeah. And it's that understanding of the unique strength

of like, there may be the best violin player or there may be the best string quartet there, but his role was not being good at any of those. He doesn't have to play the violin or the viola or the whatever it is. He knows how to bring it together. And I think that's what we get confused by sometimes is that we see the people on the front cover of magazines or the front of the show and we think that's who I need to be to be happy or successful. It takes 50 people to make them a person. And it took me, I made a movie. I kept thinking I'm directing a movie,

I'm directing a movie, I'm starring in the movie, and you think I'm the most important person here. I have all this pressure on me. The most important person on a movie set is the sound engineer. Someone who they will never know his or her name necessarily, they are the most important person on a movie. You don't realize it until you get imposed.

You know, costume, most important. So, so, you know, I think that we are. I'm so glad you brought that up because we are in such like a me moment. I'm a, everyone can, it's becoming more democratic. Yeah. The fame and wealth and rising to fame and yeah, everything's a team and you have to be able to play well with others and respect other people's Yeah, and actually as talent you will respect your team more because you realized the value they bring when you know your Vedic personality type in your dark. And by the way, we're seeing sorry more and more the people who don't understand that are getting canceled. Yeah. It's like, it's the jig is up. You know what I mean?

Like the people who are now, there's that human resources department really get you. Yeah, I'm the top one again in this. You're alone, but with mentors and guides. Correct. I function best when I have a lot of space, when I have a lot of stonest, when I'm alone,

when I'm working with myself, and I can tap into like people who've really excelled in their fields. And by the way, for a long period of time, that was just books. Like I grew up reading biographies and autobiographies because that's all I had access to growing up. So I loved reading about M.O.K. and Malcolm X and Steve Jobs and I debuted back home with the first autobiography I read.

And it was just, yeah, and it's just, you know, I was drawn towards real life stories because I couldn't ask them myself. How would your ideal self spend spare time? A, reading and deep discussion and reflecting. B, learning about issues and or attending political events. Ooh, see, there's no such thing as spare time. Networking, connecting, working. That's mine.

D, enjoying time with family and friends. Mine would be there's no such thing as spare time networking, connecting, working. That's mine, I have shame around it, but it's the truth. But enjoying time with family and friends. Mine would be there's no such thing as spare time networking, connecting, working. That's mine. I have shame around it, but it's the truth. But there's no shame in it. Yes. Yeah, there's no shame in it. It's fine.

Okay. To who you are. You're right. You're right. Ideas to get to know your authentic self, not judge your authentic self. And then decide whether you want to. Then I can actually address it.

Correct. Yeah. Then. Otherwise, what we do is we make our intentional and ideal self feel like who we are. Right? otherwise what we do is we make our intentional and ideal self feel like we are. Right? So what we do is we go, okay, that's the one I feel embarrassed about being. So I'm actually just going to say I'm my ideal self in my heart because that's the one I'm really trying to be.

So I'll give an example of what I mean by that. There's a really good study that I share in the book about the Good Samaritans. So the Good Samaritans obviously train to be good people and do good in the world and be kind of people. They're told that they have to give a speech on being a Good Samaritan and they have to go from their classroom and building A to the exam room and building B where they'll be tested and have to give this speech. But they're told literally like 15 minutes before they have to do it. So, they're all stressing out. So,'re all stressing out. So they're stressing out, they're stressing out,

they're stressing out, they run down the building, they're trying to run across to their exam room because they're told you've got 15 minutes, you've got to give this speech, they're practicing on the way, and someone with a really hurt leg is lying on the floor, the decoy, it's not real. And there's someone with a hurt leg lying on the floor

and they found that over 50% of the good Samaritans ignored the person who is in pain on the floor to go and give a 50% of the good Samaritans ignored the person who is in pain on the floor to go and give a speech about being a good Samaritan. So they didn't actually do the act of being a good Samaritan. And that's what happens when our intention of being a higher self doesn't match with the action of being a higher self. And so when you address it and you say, actually, you know what, I should have stopped and taken care of that person and help them up and

You know been better to them and okay, well then I can change to become that but if you just ignore and go Oh, yeah, but I know what the value is I know what the higher values does that make sense? Yes, total sense now. I was just my comedian brain kicked in going and I was just like how good of an actor was the Oh, you're like you're a terrible actor. Yeah, be in. Oh, you're like, you have a terrible actor, yeah. It's like, ow! I'm like, what's that guy talking about? Oh, true, they were just, that is a really good point. I think you should make sure that you go into these studies

and make sure they pick good actors. If the casting was terrible. Oh, that's like, I have to go hang this video. I'll come back later and do this weird long-term and improv with you. That is brilliant. That is brilliant. I love that genius that is brilliant that is brilliant I love that

that is brilliant I've never thought of that all along it was the bad acting it was the bad acting when you're really in pain you're just kind of quiet it's just the bad acting

how's that New Year's resolution coming along you know the one you made about paying off your pesky credit card debt and finally starting to save your retirement? Well, you're not alone if you haven't made progress yet, roughly four in five New Year's resolutions fail within the first month or two. But that doesn't have to be the case for you and your goals. Our podcast, How to Money, can help. That's right, we're two best buds who've been at it for more than five years now, and

we want to see you achieve your money goals, and it's our goal to provide the information and encouragement you need to do it We keep the show fresh by answering list our questions interviewing experts and focusing on the relevant financial news that you need to know about our show is Chock full of the personal finance knowledge that you need with guidance three times a week and we talk about debt payoff if let's say you've had a particularly Spend-thrift holiday season. We also talk about building up your savings, intelligent investing, and growing your income, no matter where you are on your financial journey, how do money's got your back? Millions of listeners have trusted us

to help them achieve their financial goals. Ensure that your resolution turns into ongoing progress. Listen to how to money on the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Not too long ago, in the heart of the Amazon Rainforest, this explorer stumbled upon something that would change his life. I saw it and I saw, oh wow, this is a very unusual situation.

It was cacao. The tree that gives us chocolate. But this cacao was unlike anything experts had seen, or tasted. I've never wanted us to have a gun bite. I mean, you saw this tax of cash in our office. Chocolate sort of forms this vortex. It sucks you in. It's like I can be the queen of wild chocolate.

We're all lost, it was madness. It was a game changer. People quit their jobs. They left their lives behind, so they could search for more of this stuff. I wanted to tell their stories, so I followed them deep into the jungle, and it wasn't always pretty.

Basically, this like disgruntled guy and his family surrounded the building armed with machetes. And we've heard all sorts of things that, you know, somebody got shot over this. Sometimes I think, oh, all these for a damn bar of chocolate. Listen to obsessions while chocolate on the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcast. I'm Eva Longoria. I'm Maite Gomes-Rechon. We're so excited to introduce you to our new podcast, Hungry For History. On every episode, we're exploring some of our favorite dishes, ingredients, beverages,

from our Mexican culture. We'll share personal memories and family stories. Decode culinary customs. And even provide a recipe or two for you to try at home. Corner flower. Both. Oh, you can't decide. I can't decide. I love both.

You know, I'm a flower tortilla flower. Your team flower. I'm team flower. I need a shirt. Team flower, team core. Join us as we explore surprising and lesser known corners of Latinx culinary history and traditions. I mean, these are these legends, right?

Apparently, this guy Juan Mendes. He was making these tacos wrapped in these huge tortillas to keep it warm, and he was transporting them in a burro, hence the name, the burritos. Listen to Hungary for history with Ivalangoria and Maite Gomez Rejón as part of the Michael Tura Podcast Network, available on the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hi!

I'm the catch up, but yeah. How would you describe yourself in three words? A, idealistic, introverted, insightful, B, driven, dedicated, determined, C, passionate, motivated, friendly, D, caring, loving, loyal. Yeah. I have to be honest, I want to be passionate,

motivated, and friendly, and I think I am those things, but if I'm to be honest. I want to be passionate, motivated, and friendly. And I think I am those things. But if I'm going to be honest, I'm be driven, dedicated in the term. I wake up like me to gotta, gotta achieve something, gotta do it. I'm with you on that. Gotta be passionate, motivated, and friendly, and caring, and loving, and loyal. It's like I've, you know, so I think it's C. In what type of environment do you work best? A, remote, still, silent, natural, B, a meeting room or gathering place, C, anywhere, and everywhere. D, a specific, a space specific to my type of work home office laboratory. I think I work best in a meeting or gathering space. I do need to be accountable. I need, and I need to be a little bit competitive, if I'm going to be honest, I need to see other

people working, even if it's a, if they're not even working, even if they're secretly on Facebook and I pretend they're working and I think I'm falling behind and it motivates me to part. See the reason why what you just did and this is what I'm hoping everyone's going to do when they read this part is it's so important to know that because now you actually have a pattern that you can repeat until it's not true. Yes. And so most of us wake up in the morning and we go, I'm not motivated to work today. I don't like what I'm gonna do today. I'm not happy today, whatever it is. And it's like, well, have you created the right environments?

Have you put yourself in the right spaces? That yourself up to where? Have you, exactly, that's all it is. And the only way you'll know that is if you answer that question and have the reflection, you didn't go, okay, well, if I go to a gathering place today, or if I go to this place and I'm around other people, let me see how I do.

And then you'll go and you'll test it out and then you'll be like, okay, that didn't work. Let me try the other one, right? And so if you're unsure, it's just about trying all of these options rather than just leaving it up to D. So, and also just surrendering to something not working going, I guess this is the way it's always going to be. Exactly.

That's it. Easy. That's that one. How do you prepare for vacation? Oh, no. By picking my reading material, be having a focused plan of key sites to visit. See with a list of the best bars, clubs and restaurants, D with an easy going attitude. B for me. B I'm I'm so I'm going to be. I mean, we're both Virgo September, fourth and sixth. Yeah. Um, having a focused plan of key sites to visit. Yeah, that's so great.

I don't always have to do it though. I am a person that I'll pre-plan, pre-plan, pre-plan, which I really encourage everyone to do this because I'm realizing that I need something to look forward to. Planning things to me is almost as good as doing them. Yeah, just having it in the calendar. So I'm that person that and I drive my wife crazy. I'm like, I need a schedule for the day to know what we want to achieve to do.

Oh, the fact that your wife has the one man that makes a schedule, it doesn't appreciate it. Her and I will have words. I'm like, I wanna schedule it. And even if we don't get to all of it, I'm okay with that. I wanna know that we made a plan and that we were trying to get to all of it. Yes, we're assigned, we need it.

I wanna know what I'm gonna experience today, but see, he is where we start thinking people don to all of it. Yes, we're not timed, we need it. I wanna know what I'm gonna experience there, but see, here's where we start thinking people don't care about us. In the sense of, because our answer is B, we think that if someone cares about me, then they will make a plan. But what we don't realize is that that's not how they wired, so for them how they feel loved and show love

is easygoing, letter D. And that's where it gets so fragmented in relationships because we, so I would be like that with my wife, but like, well, you obviously don't love me enough because you're not organized about the schedule of the day and she was like, well, I don't think like that. My parents, my parents always did all the planning and we just went along with what they did

and where my parents wanted me to plan and get involved. And so it's so interesting how we start looking at these things as gaps in our relationship. And that's not necessarily true. How do you feel if you make a mistake? A, I feel guilty and ashamed. Yes. B, I have to tell everyone. C, I want to hide it. D, I reach out to someone supportive. I feel guilty and ashamed. I feel guilty and ashamed first, and then I probably do D,

which is reach out to someone that can kind of give me some context on it. I can like reaching out to someone who I think called me the highest standards and will be able to speak about it with me without judging me because I need to not judge myself. And sometimes I feel like we need someone else in our life who doesn't judge us for a mistake.

And I'm like, oh, okay, I don't have to judge myself. And you might realize you didn't even make one. Yeah. That might just be your perfection. Totally. My therapist always says she's like, I have good news and bad news. Nobody cares.

Yeah. Like this huge mistake you think everyone's obsessing about like you're not trending, not cares. I love that one. And I think it's so important that people have different people they call for different things. Because the mistake we make again, again the opposites, is that we tell one person everything,

or we tell everyone everything. And both of those don't work because that one person gets completely drained and distanced from us because they can't deal with that level of overwhelm. And then when you tell everyone everything, we all know what that goes like. So it's so much more important to be like, okay, when I have a career challenge,

this is the person I go to, when I have this, I go to this. And you may say, well, how do I start? It's important, start building those relationships with people in your life that have different skills that they provide you, and you provide something back to them too. And also, don't go to the problem for the solution. And I think I tend to contemplate

that with I need to be honest and authentic. So sometimes we can flate over sharing with I'm gonna be authentic and I'm gonna set a boundary and I'm gonna tell him how I feel and I'm gonna be honest. That's not always healthy communication. Agreed.

We say restraint of pen and tongue. Like if you're my problem, I'm not gonna come to you and expect you to have the solution. So I've ever problem're my problem, I'm not gonna come to you and expect you to have the solution. So I've ever problem in my family. I might go to my friends or my program or my, you know, J. Shetty book or whatever it is or my podcast to get a solution

and then I'll bring that solution to the relationship. And the solution might be to say nothing and to have just dealt with, to forgive or to turn it over or to go for a run or take a nap or, you know, join a 12 step program or something. Chances are the person you have a conflict can't solve the conflict for you. Well said. Because that's their issue in the first place.

Yeah, you solved the conflict with them, but they're not going to solve it for you. One of my favorite tools in the relationships chapter is something that we had to do a lot of as much where you're very careful about the words you use because you realize how much power each word has. And so there's a great study by Harvard, which you can type in on Google, it's called the list of emotions. And I often refer to it as emotional vocabulary. So all of us have a very limited emotional vocabulary. We literally use five words. Okay, good, bad, fine. Right. So it's like, how's your week going? Okay. How's your day been? Good. And so this list of emotions by Harvard goes through each keyword that we say most often and breaks it down into like

seven other words that actually define what it means. So when you say you're sad, are you actually offended? Are you irritated? Are you upset? And it gives you all of these synonyms, but it's helping you diagnose and articulate how you actually feel. So when you do approach someone, you're actually coming from a place of giving them clarity. Because half the time you diagnose yourself wrong. It's like you see a little rash and you try and diagnose yourself on Google and you go to all... I love her, see it, yeah. ...and you get it wrong. It's the same thing, so it's so important to use words where you've got really close to what you actually feel.

That's the only way someone can actually... And it's not the other person's job to decipher it. It's your job to be clear. It's your job to say it right. It's not their job to be psychic and figure it out. And you're an adult. It's your responsibility to use the right words and you're in a conflict. And the positive words too, like it's defining also, like for example,

when someone says, I love you, they might mean I want to spend the night with you. And someone says, I love you. And they're like, I spend the night with you, and someone says, I love you, and they're like, I wanna spend my life with you. Those are two very different, and so when you hear the word love, you're projecting your belief of the definition of the word love onto that person saying it, and you go, I love you too.

And you've just, We have not agreed on the definition of this. Correct. And you've just projected your definition on what you said, and they said, and you said that it met in your head. Yes. Because your word definition was off, and I know and you said that it met in your head. Yes. Because your word definition was off and I know that sounds crazy because when someone says, I love you, you're not going to be like, well, let's define what you mean.

I did a whole bit on, I love you and what it means. Oh, I love it. You have to agree on a common definition of love and I think my definition of love is being willing to die for someone that you yourself want to kill. I think that sort what it was. But it also, a lot of times, I love you means shut up. Like, I love you. I love you.

I mean, we use it to manipulate. We use it to tell someone to comment. I love you, baby. I love you. Okay, I love you. Like, we use it a lot. It's thrown around a lot. Yeah.

You know, we have totally destiny. I need to watch that. If you can find it, good luck. What do you do when you have to make a big decision? A, I reflect privately. B, I ask my mentors and guides. C, I weigh the pros and cons. D, I talk to family and friends.

I'm really bad at making big decisions. I get very overwhelmed, but I usually think, if it's not a hell yes, it's no. Like the answer is usually no, for any decision, for me. It's usually no, but it also depends on who, if it's an authority figure, I have to tell, I'll sort of get scared that they're gonna be mad at me, and I've to sort of work through that,

and then I'll ask mentors and guides, what do you think I should do? I'll outsource the decision to someone that's not emotional, because I get too emotional. Interesting. I go private, it's the first one. I reflect privately. Yeah, I need to, I found that getting away from noise

and everyone's opinions and expectations and messages, because then that starts messing with how I feel and now what I feel is made up of everyone else's feelings. Yes. And I don't like that. Yeah, and then you've recruited a bunch of people and now they're invested in you executing what they're advice. Correct. And so I don't enjoy that. Yeah, and then you've recruited a bunch of people and now they're invested in you executing what their advice.

Correct. And so I don't enjoy that at all. And so I'm like, I want to take all the my own responsibility, but that requires me to get away and make my mind up about something. And then I come back with my version and then I'll check in with mentors and guides. Because sometimes when you ask too many people

and they give you their advice, you're like, oh, I don't want to not take their advice. Yeah, and then, and now you're like, I call a message them again, because I'm taking their advice. They're gonna like judge me for like, I don't want to not take their advice. Yeah, yeah. And then I'm gonna be mad at me when I say, I call a message them again, because I'm taking their advice. They're gonna like judge me for like, I spent an hour of your time and I'm not even taking your advice.

Totally, and that's my worst nightmare. So I was like, no, definitely not doing that. Oh, that's interesting. Okay, last one, which best describes your daily routine? A, it changes moment to moment. B, it's very focused and organized. C, I follow the best opportunity that comes up. D, it's simple and scheduled.

Hmm. Oh, I mean, you're a. D, it's simple and scheduled. I mean, you're a D, you're a simple and scheduled. That's the healthiest, I would say. I'm gonna be honest, I wish it was simple and scheduled, but I do think it changed this moment to moment because I'm so easily distracted and I can never figure out how to use Dropbox. So I spend, I think my day's scheduled, and then I spend half of it trying to download a video.

Yeah. And then I'm like, I need to fire everyone. Yeah, I think it changes moment to moment. And I would like to work on that because I'm delusional. I tell myself it's simple and scheduled, but it's not. Yeah, that's great. So you accept it and then you go, okay,

this is why I want, let's pave a way rather than being like, oh yeah, it's simple and scheduled. Like, you know, like people tell themselves things to try to convince themselves, like, when people look, I'm not crazy. You're like, that's literally what a crazy person says to try to prove to themselves that they're not crazy. And you just made me realize that I say things

about myself, like, well, I'm just so organized and like I run a tight ship and it's like, I say that, but it's not necessarily true. It's called in Steve Jobs's book, Walter Isaacson, called it Reality Distortion Field. And so you have the ability to distort reality based on how you want to see it. And so you can get as extreme as when it said that when Steve Jobs denied having a child, for example, it was referred to as that in the book at least. That's how far it can go,

where if you want to remove something out of your memory or life, then you just block it out. I do it with money too. I think we all do. Like we all have it to some degree. We all practice it all the time. And I think having people who can catch you on those blind spots or doing activities and exercises

that make you aware of those blind spots is useful. It's like people who are like, I hate drama and you're like, you love drama! Oh my god, you're obsessed with drama, you love it! Well, attachment and aversion in the Buggard Gita, it says, are two sides of the same coin. So when you say, I love something or I hate something, it's the same level of attachment.

So in the sense of like, we were always trained as monks, they're like, being a monk, and a lot of people get it wrong. And obviously, there are female monks too, and a lot of people get it wrong. And obviously, there are female monks too, but a lot of people think, oh, if you're a monk, then maybe you just don't want to be with women or you don't like women. Actually, that cannot be a reason for being a monk.

You can't dislike women to be a monk. Like hate or lust are almost two sides of the same coin, where it's still that you're still completely wrapped up in it because that's still all you think about. Don't forget that, because I want to come back to that. But we should finish what, let's see what, what did I win? What do I win for being so full of work?

I don't know, we need to count. Answer key, tell your answers now, the most selected letter reflects your runner. Yeah. I think I was a maker. So you can be a guide, a leader, creator, and a maker. Can you just tell me what those mean real quick?

Yeah, so a guide is someone that is, who absolutely loves dealing in thought, ideas, thinkers, ideators, people who are always like, basically on a very intellectual and mental level, leaders of people who are always considering others wanting to protect, wanting to provide, a good president would be a leader in terms of a personality trait.

They have the ability to think beyond themselves. Creators are people who just wanna build, grow, make great entrepreneurs, makers are talented people, artists, people whoors are people who just want to build, grow, make great entrepreneurs, makers are talented people, are artists, people who perform, people who also work great with their hands, they may even do arts and crafts. People are a fantastic invention.

So those are very quick versions of what they are, and there's deep ones in the book, deeper for them. I love this. I think this is something you should do like every couple of months, do you know what I mean, too? Yeah, see how you evolve.

That's the other thing, because it's like I think I'm big on growing and changing and like changing your mind and changing your opinions and you know, I think there's this like thing now where people like I'm this type of person. It's like why would you want to stay that way? You know, why would you want to get new information and keep your former opinion? It's actually exhausting to try and stay the same, because you're just constantly trying to hold onto something that's trying to change. What are you gonna do? What's next?

I have to let you go. You have nine hundred other podcasts today. No, I don't. You've been easily the hardest person to schedule. Well, no, I just mean like, no, no, I don't mean that. I just mean you're the man. No, no, no, it's a good thing. No, this you're the man. No, no, it's a good thing. No, this was so much fun.

First of all, we're friends now. Yeah. I've been looking forward to this because I'm a huge fan and Edmira. And I watch you all the time and think, you're hilarious. And when I saw that you liked my work, I was like, what? I was so like, when it comes to like work, like, I was, I just never imagined that you would even care what I did. And so, so then I was just like, oh, this is so cool.

And the way this conversation is going has shown me exactly why, like I really love how you went about this. And it excites me so much that I got to share what I do in a way that hopefully connects and resonates with everyone you connect and resonate with. And more importantly, that we've built a relationship through it. So when I saw you looking at my work and stuff, I've been just, and your friends with everyone else

that I follow and love and I was just like, no way. And so anyway, I was very humbled and taken aback when you took an interest in my work. The universe has conspired to bring us together. And my goal was to be able to maybe do something different. This was the most unique interview style and doing that, that was genius. Oh god.

And I'm glad because I literally, I don't think I said anything in this interview that I've said anywhere else. I'm so glad. I think like a monk, anything else you want to, I end these very awkwardly. I love you. Don't write elephants, don't write dolphins.

This is great. I love you. Thank you. I'm so lovely. Thank you very much. Thank you so much for listening to that episode. Make sure you tag me on Instagram when you share it and pass it along to a friend who is a Whitney Cummings fan or a fan of learning about themselves. Thank you so much for being here again today

and I'll see you again for another episode of On Purpose. The world of chocolate has been turned upside down. A very unusual situation. You saw the stacks of cash in our office. Chocolate comes from the cacountry, and recently, variety of cacow, thought to have been lost centuries ago, were re-discover covered in the Amazon. Now some chocolate makers are racing deep into the jungle to find the next game-changing

chocolate, and I'm coming along. Listen to the obsessions, wild chocolate, on the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcast I'm Danny Shapiro host of Family Secrets It's hard to believe we're entering our eighth season and yet we're constantly discovering new secrets the variety of them continues to be astonishing. I can't wait to share ten incredible stories with you stories of tenacity to share 10 incredible stories with you, stories of tenacity, resilience, and the profoundly necessary excavation of long-held family secrets. Listen to season 8 of Family Secrets on the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever

you'll get your podcasts. I am Jan Levan Zant and I'll be your host for The R Spot. Each week listeners will call me live to discuss their relationship issues. Nothing will tear a relationship down faster than two people with no vision. Does your all are just flopping around like fish out of water?

Mommy, daddy, your ex, I'll be talking about those things and so much more. Check out The R Spot on the iHeart Video app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you listen to podcasts.