On Purpose with Jay Shetty - 3 Ways to Learn to Regulate Your Emotions in Stressful Times & Approaching Disagreements with Respect and Positivity in Your Relationship

Episode Date: May 26, 2023

Today, I am going to share with you the conversation I had with Hannah Berner where we talk about the life lessons we all need to help us battle our individual life struggles, the reason why there is no set guidelines to dating and falling in love, and how to regulate your emotions when you need it the most.  You can order my new book 8 RULES OF LOVE at 8rulesoflove.com or at a retail store near you. You can also get the chance to see me live on my first ever world tour. This is a 90 minute interactive show where I will take you on a journey of finding, keeping and even letting go of love. Head to jayshettytour.com and find out if I'll be in a city near you. Thank you so much for all your support - I hope to see you soon. What We Discuss: 00:00 Intro 01:29 How did you become a monk and how has your life changed since then? 05:54 Who was your first crush and what was the experience like?  08:45 What classes do you think are essential to living a fulfilled life?   12:52 Battling with anxiety and going against what your community expects you to do 16:48 Taking different practices from different traditions 19:56 There are no set guidelines when it come to dating and falling in love 24:15 How do you effectively argue with your partner? 29:40 Appreciating who your partner is and loving them unconditionally 31:47 How do you decide on what to share in public and still keep your personal life private? 35:10 How do you monitor social media and still live the best life? 39:22 What is your version of hell? 40:19 Hannah’s seven deadly sins Want to be a Jay Shetty Certified Life Coach? Get the Digital Guide and Workbook from Jay Shetty https://jayshettypurpose.com/fb-getting-started-as-a-life-coach-podcast/See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Our 20s are often seen as this golden decade. Our time to be carefree, make mistakes, and figure out our lives. But what can psychology teach us about this time? I'm Gemma Speg, the host of the psychology of your 20s. Each week we take a deep dive into a unique aspect of our 20s, from career anxiety, mental health, heartbreak, money, and much more to explore the science behind our experiences. The psychology of your 20s hosted by me, Gemma Speg. Listen now on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your podcasts. The therapy for Black Girls podcast is your space to explore mental health, personal development, and all of the small decisions we can make

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your reality. Listen to Intercosmos with David Eagleman on the IHART Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey everyone, I'm so excited because we're going to be adding a really special offering onto the back of my solo episodes on Fridays. Hey everyone, I'm so excited because we're going to be adding a really special offering onto the back of my solo episodes on Fridays. The Daily J is a daily series on calm and it's meant to inspire you while outlining tools and techniques to live a more mindful, stress-free life.

We dive into a range of topics and the best part is, each episode is only 7 minutes long, so you can incorporate it into your schedule no matter how busy you are. As a dedicated part of the on-purpose community, I wanted to do something special for you this year, so I'll be playing a hand-picked daily J during each of my Friday podcasts. This week I'm sharing an inspiring story that motivates me and hopefully can motivate you too. Of course, if you want

to listen to the Daily J every day, you can go subscribe to Calm. So go to Calm.com forward slash J for 40% off your membership today. Oh my gosh, you know, obviously Burning in in hell as mental health comedy podcast and we have a lot of hilarious comedians on we have a lot of insightful people, but we've never had a man who was a monk And he's been everywhere and now he's finally, you know hit the top. He's come to burning in hell He's found the mecca of mental health. Welcome Jay Shetty to the park. Thank you so much for having me. I'm so glad that I get to be with you today, honestly.

Thank you. You have very good energy. Thank you. I appreciate that. Because you never know. So I thought I might be intimidated by you. Like he's all knowing. He's also very famous.

There's like a lot of things that could be intimidating. But you have a very warm energy. That means the world to me. That's the best thing I could have had today. Yeah, because I'm like, do people just like him because he is blue eyes? Or is he actually, you know, I mean, you are on this book tour and you've sent it to me, the eight rules of love.

Yes. And you're married. Yes. Which I kind of love, because there's a lot of like dating, you know, people out there and they've like never had a relationship before But I like that your book is not only like your teachings and your research over the years, but you also Say a little bit more about yourself

So what I want to bring into this podcast today because I feel like you've so much amazing knowledge everywhere is To get to know you a little more get to know your hell a little bit and that you've been through. Why have I not been asked to become a monk yet? Like how do you get into the monk ship? How did you get in? Because no one's, I'm not on the email list. Yeah, yeah, you didn't get the memo. No.

No, no, no. I didn't swipe up. Yeah, no. And it's, and for me it was the same. It was, I met, among for the first time, his name's Goranga Das, I met him when I was 18 years old. And I met him because you still had to go to events to meet people, because there was no YouTube podcasts.

You know, it was a while ago. And so I would go to events. I'd love hearing from CEOs and athletes and musicians about their rags to riches stories. And I wasn't fascinated by the rags and the riches. I was fascinated by what you're fascinated about here, like people's challenges and their mindset and how they got there.

And one night my friend said to me, hey, we should go and hear this monk speak. And I said to them, I said, well, what am I gonna learn from a monk? I'm fascinated by people who've gone from nothing to something, not nothing to nothing. Like, what am I gonna learn from this guy? And they said, no, what am I going to learn from a monk? I'm fascinated by people who've gone from nothing to something, not nothing to nothing. Like, what am I going to learn from this guy? And they said, no, we should go.

And I said, okay, I'll only go if we go to a bar afterwards. Like, that was my negotiation tactics. So to prove how, how, how spiritual I am. Yes, that's, that's what I was like as an 18 year old. And my friends were highly convincing. They said, yeah, sure, sure, sure, we'll go to a bar afterwards. And so I went to this event. and I went there with very low expectations. I thought I was going to walk in, walk out, we're going to hit up this bar.

And I walked there and I found something I wasn't looking for. I wasn't looking for spirituality. I wasn't looking for meditation. I wasn't looking for well-being. And the way this monk spoke, he was talking about how serving others with your skills is the purpose of human life. Using your gifts to impact and help other people is what we're meant to do. And I'd never heard that before. So 18-year-old me stayed behind, wanted to shake his hand like me and I ended up traveling with him

that whole week in London, going to all his events. Then I spent all my summer vacations and Christmas vacations traveling to India to live with him in the monastery. And then when I graduated, I lived as a monk for three years. And so it was a very long journey of spending time with this one monk, to then spending time with the monks to then actually living as a monk. Holy shit. Sorry, that's the quick version.

No, that was beautiful. And were you in, where were you based when you were in an interior? I was outside of Mumbai. And then we traveled across Europe as well. So we'd live at different. And where were you based when you were in an interview? I was outside of Mumbai and then we traveled across Europe as well. So we'd live at different and where were you living when you were like with your friends and stuff? I was in London. So I went to the university. In London town.

From London. Oh, very cool. For port-a-raised in London. Very cool. And I also feel like you've transcended like traditional munchip what we think it is, which is honestly like not relatable. You've put it in this such like, even your book, you talk about boys and stuff, and it's the kind of stuff that

we information that we could retain. So you kind of have figured out how to talk about love, but what did you when you're a monk, right? No, you're not. Definitely not. So you're like a... You're celibate. And you don't talk to, well, for me, the opposite sex, but you don't talk to the sex that you attracted to. So I'm completely living a celibate life. I haven't spoken to a woman for those three years.

And the point isn't repression or suppression. The point is to redirect your energy. And I always like to clarify that, because a lot of people think that monks think, like, oh, women are bad or this is not bad. It's actually a side of, can I dedicate my mind to mastering my mind? Like, can I focus on that?

Can I get more? We do like really hot showers, so people think we're connected to Satan sometimes as women. Right, right, right. But, yeah. Oh, yeah, I got it. We did cold showers and monks, but that means there you go. That's right, yeah. You know yeah, got it. We did cold showers and monks with that music. There you go.

You know, you say the cold shower thing, like gets your mind right, but I'm like, I'm like, like, it's like a cold shower. That was the original cold shower. That we were taking cold showers, like, that was, that was a normal part of life. And yeah, it was just what I found that I got from that experience is from age 14, which is when I started dating to age 21. I don't think I ever had a gap between seeing someone or meeting someone or being with someone, we love a toucher.

We're adding with someone, like, yeah, your teen years, you're constantly moving relationship to relationship to relationship, and those three years, and if you think about it, even for yourself, maybe anyone is listening, how many days have you actually spent not in the pursuit of someone or not being pursued by someone in your entire life. It's such a drug. It's very little.

And it's so mental. It's so mental. Because I always say like I'm a creative genius as an I give me anyone and in my head I will make up something that I want. Like put them on any pedestal because having, having a crush is like, like gives you a purpose. Oh my gosh. Gives you a purpose. I have to have like waking up in the morning is easier

when you're like, I hope I run into Jeremy at the cooler. You know? Well, I ran into my first crush. I still remember I was like 11 years old. I mean, how old were you when you had your first crush? Oh, I was assertive from a young age. Cool, yeah, I took me to the 11. So I was a late bloomer by your standards.

But I remember having this crush and every guy in school had a crush on this girl. And I was overweight growing up. I was also pretty much one of the only Indians in my whole class. And so I got bullied a lot for both of those things. And so I remember turning up to school late one day and everyone in the class was laughing at me

and pointing and giggling and I was like, what do they know? And then I got a little slit from one of my friends and I opened it up when I used to say notes in class when you can text. And I opened it up and it said, she knows. And I was like, she knows what? And so basically everyone in class

had told the one girl that everyone had a crush on, that only I had a crush on her. And so for the less stress through the day, all the girls stood behind like in the playground in class and we're just shouting, you're not in her league, she's out of your league, right? How do you think you can get it? It was terrible.

So that was my first experience at the first try. That's like traumatizing. It was very traumatizing, it's very traumatizing. But so it wasn't a drug for me. It was, it was a bad drug. It was a hangout. Well, there is a thin line between like the joy it could bring you and the pain.

Yeah. And I do like in your book that you talk about, not only just the joy, but like the joy of being alone, the joys of a breakup, that there are positivity in it. Is your book, how much is a gender-based, like in terms of if you're a woman or a guy reading it? So I tried to take gender out of it, because I really feel that a lot of what we're experiencing today is a complete mixture of experiences. I don't think you could say, well, this is the same experience that all women have.

I'm not having, like I just don't think that's the case anymore. Like I have so many more of my few more friends that are like the breadwinners in their relationship now and they're leading the way or they're more driven and ambitious than some of their partners. And so I'm like,

the stereotypes are all blurred. Yeah, they're all blurred now. And so for me, I was trying to write a book that anyone could pick up in this generation and go, okay, whether I'm looking for love, I was trying to write a book that anyone could pick up in this generation and go, okay, whether I'm looking for love, whether I'm trying to hold on to it, or whether someone just broke up with me and hurt me, this book's going to help that person. What I love about this book, and I think you might have said it on Caller Daddy, a girl Alex, we love. Yes, love.

Is you were like, there's so much stuff that are not taught to us in school. And it sounds like you almost had whatever education you had and then thought this wasn't enough for me. And then you have gone into your own studies and research and experiences. If you could have a J-Shuddy high school, what classes do you think are essential to living a fulfilled life? That is such a great question. It's a fun, I love that.

And honestly a little too deep, but you don't think that's it. But like I'm trying to challenge you. Make it fun, yeah. I'm trying to challenge you a little. First of all, most of us should not start a high school including me. Like, first of all, let's just put it out.

It's starting a high school or a primary school, sorry, elementary school as you call it here, is such a deep, important task that no one should just start schools. I think it's highly dangerous. And so even what I'm about to say, it's caveated with the fact that I don't think even I know enough at this point to start a school. I think that's unhealthy. Yes. But if you were like in a town hall meeting, like, can we add these classes? Yeah, this is our little stationery town hall meeting. Can we add these classes? Yeah, this is our little J.C.D. time on meeting. First of all, my biggest class would be emotional regulation. That will be the number one class. And the reason I say that, and it

comes back to the book of solitude, is that it said that our heartbeats and our heart rates, they synchronize when we're close to other people. And so first, our care givers, whether it's your mother, your father, your uncle or your aunt, whoever to care of you, your heartbeats, your heart rate synchronizes with theirs. And so the study says that the best thing for your nervous system is another human being, but the worst thing for your nervous system is another human being. Okay, that sounds like a pyramid scheme.

And I hate that life has done this to us. Yeah. And so what I find is that your heart rate gets synced up to your partners where you're now sharing a mood. And so if you don't have to self-regulate, if you don't have to regulate your own emotions, you're just going to become dependent on whoever you're around. And that's why codependency takes off because we never learn to regulate our own emotions. So that's class number one.

And if you grew up with a parent who also had trouble, then you could be anxious like they are anxious based on things that are out of your control. Absolutely. And that's class number two. Healing from parents and healing from first loves. Because whether it's your parents or whether it's the first guy or girl or person you dated, all of those first love experiences completely transform what you want in a relationship. Maybe the first person you dated like made you insecure about how you look. Now anyone that tells you look good is like the next attractive human being.

When that person was projecting their own down to you. Exactly. Exactly. And the person who's being complimentary to you, they may not even deeply like you. They may like you only for that. And so I think unraveling the gifts and gaps as I put it in the book that our parents gave us is class number two. I'd like to call it repair and thing too. Repair and to who I like. Yeah, where it's kind of like the voices in your head parents gave us is class number two. I'd like to call it repair and thing too.

Reparent to who I like. Yeah, where it's kind of like the voices in your head are those negative things where you can say, hmm, actually, how would I want it have spoken to my inner child? Absolutely. What's a third class? Well, I'm allowed another one.

Yeah. All right, okay, class number three. Class number three would have to be, do you think meditation should be on it? I was actually, I would put meditation there. I might add that as a tool in emotional regulation. Yes, true. I could tool in a practice.

True. That's an after school program. Yeah, that's the trick. If you're smart, you get signed up for that. Yeah. The other one that I'd add is financial, mastering financial training. I just think that no one has any clue

about how much they should spend on rent, whether you should get a mortgage or not, should you buy a house or not, should you save up for one? Do you save or do you invest? What do you invest in? How do you know? I think we have no idea. Until you're like 34 and someone goes,

why haven't you been putting this into an IRA? And you're like, is that a STD? Like what is an IRA? So that is so true. I'm actually, I grew up from a family of teachers. Like my grandpa was a gym teacher, my mom was a principal. My grandma was a librarian and they, I think about teaching a lot and I just think

there's so many holes because I was a people pleaser and I always, I was a perfectionist. I just want to straight it is. So I wasn't like consuming it. I was just trying to win the game and then I would forget it and then I entered life and it didn't matter that it's straight-aise I was battling, you know my perfectionism Exhidied depression Performing so that I feel lovable. Look at this. It turned to a therapy session

But that's what it always does and within yourself How is your levels of Exhidied depression do you deal with a cocktail of them? What is your journey with that been? Yeah, I feel like I really rebelled growing up against what my parents or what my community wanted me to do. So I kind of started dealing with that early on. So I had the anxiety almost as a young teenager of my parents wanted me to be good at maths

and sciences. Yes. And while I was okay at those, that's not what I wanted to do. What I wanted to do was philosophy, art and design, psychology, economics was definitely a part of that. And so those were the subjects I loved. And so I started rebelling early on saying, I'm going to do what I want. And pushing for what you want when you're 13, 14 years old, it kind of creates this really

interesting place because now you're on your own because now it's like, well, you're the, 14 years old, it kind of creates this really interesting place because now you're on your own, because now it's like, well, you're the only person doing that. Everyone's kind of following the trend. And so I feel like that was it, but the biggest, when you took my depression or anxiety, the hardest part where I experienced that was just before I went to become a monk and when I came back. So I experienced it before I went anxiety because everyone in my community was telling me, you've been brainwashed, you know, you're wasting your time. No one's ever going to marry you. You're never going to make any more money again. Like, imagine

everyone in your community and your family, extended family going at you and just telling you that this is the worst decision of your life. And you've just turned down your job offers and have decided to make this thing. And so there was a lot of anxiety attached to the decision. But it takes a real strong like inner voice to go against what your like you think your parents are gods growing up. Yeah. So where did that come from for you to think I know and they don't know. I feel my inner voice was so loud since I was 14. And I could not ignore it. Like it's just been so and I feel like it's got louder or stayed steady because I've listened to it. Well, you don't live the kind of life you live

like following rules. Yes. Because you have a very unorthodox career. I mean, you're kind of like a superstar in like the, I don't even want to say spiritual, but it's just like the self-help community. How do you ever get like hate from more like traditional monks or spiritual people because you are so on the internet and Putting your face out there and making money. Yeah, I think this because they're kind of transcending traditional

Definitely a perspective around like, you know, is this being you know, watered down or is it being put out there in a way? But I think that overall, I find that the people who really know me or the people that I've gotten to know deeply, they understand that I love the idea of making things simple, accessible, digestible, relevant like me. That's how I was taught about this wisdom and that's what made it so, it has to be demystified.

Well, like, look at me, I have ADHD. I'm not reading a book, but I will stop at a clip of you where you're looking, you know, and you have the cool font and maybe some good music in the back and it's 15 seconds. That's one of us and that's most of us today, right? And that's a smart like marketing brain of yours. Yeah and I don't think we should be looking down, it's not like, oh you're getting the water down version. Actually, there's this beautiful statement

by a writer named Ivan Pavlov, where he said that, well, he wrote this, or he's not right to but he wrote this statement that I love. And he said that if you can't explain something simply, you don't understand it well enough. So to me, I'm constantly grappling with ideas, how do I explain this simply? Like, how can I make this really accessible for myself?

Because then I can live it. And for others, so they can live it. Like, to me, that's a sort of compassion, like, it's empathy. Like, to me, compassion and empathy is like, how can I make this so easy for anyone to understand? Because then I'll be able to live it and change my life. And they'll be able to do the same. Well, even in your book, you reference, is it Sanskrit?

Yeah, that's great. So I've seen that. You did read the same. Well, even in your book, you reference, is it Sanskrit? Yeah, Sanskrit, that's great. So I've seen a lot. You did read the book. I mean, she's scared. But I loved when you talked about karma, and as someone who loves yoga, I see these things kind of connecting. What is your current religion?

So I have taken different practices from different traditions that I find fascinating. Overall, I follow a text called Devaders, which is a universal text which doesn't have a religion or particular spiritual path aligned to it. It's just speaking universally about practices like meditation and wisdom and knowledge. And so for me, I practice three different forms of meditation, breathwork, visualization, and mantra, which is the repetition of sacred sound. A lot of what I practice is inspired out of India,

because that was the tradition I lived in as a monk. And so to me, but I honestly, having said that, I've loved pretty much every spiritual text I've picked up. I tell and read stories from so many different traditions. I consider myself a practitioner, like a citizen of the world. Yeah. And it comes to culture and spirituality because I feel like I can genuinely learn from any part and any tradition.

Well, that's why your book is interesting to me about love because I feel like you've had so many different cultural experiences. So to write a universal book, was that hard at all? Because I mean, like how Americans view sex versus like, how like the Middle East view sex or the Brids, or you know, the Chinese, who knows? How did you kind of globalize that? Yeah, so I'm always trying to put ancient wisdom

together with modern science. And then pop culture. Right, like, I talk to each other. That's kind of like my world. And that's me too, like I love movies, I love monks like, I talk to each other. That's kind of like my world, and that's me too. Like, I love movies, I love monks, and I love media and marketing. I love all of that.

And so I'm just embracing all of those worlds that I live in, and putting them all together, and to me there's such a beautiful synergy and harmony that comes from that. So if something was true 5,000 years ago, and if science proves it today, and if you can see in mainstream media, then there's chances that it universally exists. And so to me, I'm trying to create things that are

timely and timeless. Because to me, something that's timeless is always timely. So I'm not trying to be so in the now that it's a trend and it won't make sense. I would hope that someone could pick up this book in 10, 20 years, and it would still hold true. Yes, some of the examples of phones and names may change, but the wisdom or the thought behind the book will make sense, because a lot of the ideas are 5,000 years old, but science is proving them today. And so that's kind of like the cocktail

that I like to put together. Oh, I love a cocktail. Are you sober? I should have said the cocktail. Are you sober? Yes, I'm not, I don't know how everyone defines that word, so I don't drink alcohol, But I only ever was a social drinker or a games drinker. That's how I drink the most. Me and my friends, me and my friends

would play too many. Well, we started, we all started drinking very early. Yeah. Like I drink here like 13, 14 years old. Yeah. And we played a lot of drinking games, ring of fire was my personal favorite. And we just, yeah, we just drank our weight quitting early because it just, yeah, I just got into it so young, but yes, I don't drink anymore. If your business earns millions or tens of millions of revenue, stop what you're doing and take a listen because NetSuite by Oracle has just rolled out the best offer anyone's ever seen. NetSuite gives you the visibility and control you need to make better decisions faster.

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This is what it sounds like inside the box card. I'm journalist and I'm Morton in my podcast City of the Rails. I plunge into the dark world of America's railroads, searching for my daughter Ruby, who ran off to hop train. I'm just like stuck on this train, not where I'm gonna end up, and I jump. Following my daughter, I found a secret city of unforgettable characters, living outside society, off the grid, and on the edge. I was in love with a lifestyle and the freedom this community. No one understands who we truly are. The Rails made me question everything I knew about motherhood, history,

and the thing we call the American Dream. It's the last vestige of American freedom. Everything about it is extreme. You're either going to die, or you can have this incredible rebirth and really understand who you are. Come with me to find out what waits for us in the city of the rails. Listen to city of the rails on the iHeart radio app Apple Podcast or wherever you get your podcast or cityoftherails.com. Do you have any insights on like hook up culture? A lot of girls are in their 20s. And I feel like a lot of people talk about energies

of a quick hook up versus you have to wait five days before you have sex. What's your theory on the exchange of physicalness in this world currently? I think it will depends on what you want and what you're looking for. Like to me, if someone's just exploring and enjoying and expressing themselves, that's awesome.

If someone's trying to build something serious and wants something to last long term, I think there's a different tactic and a different approach. And ultimately, anything can kind of end up anywhere because of how it evolves and grows. But I think the biggest mistake people make is they think there are set guidelines as to how it should be done.

You see it all over the place. And it doesn't make sense because yeah, like you just said, like if someone's like, oh, don't have sex till date five, or don't have sex till date 20, or don't, you know, I think all those kind of things actually just make you focus on that even more. Yes. And they stop you from focusing on everything else.

You should be looking. Well, yeah, if you're putting your energy towards that, are you really being your authentic self? Totally. Or are you like have a little checkbook? Yeah. And me and you both know, if you just look at a checkbook or a list, that's not authentic love.

Not a tool. That's not intimacy. Not a tool. And I would go on to say this, and again, I'm diving into the science here. If I get too dorky, you can let me know. No. But it's really interesting.

So chemistry that we feel with someone or the spark is described as experiencing stress and excitement at the same time. So, it's the excitement of, I just got her number, but the stress is, is she gonna text me, right? Or the excitement is, oh my God, oh my God, he just text me, the stress is, oh my God, what do I text back, right?

So, chemistry is actually us feeling excitement and stress at the same time. Now, when you get to know someone, the stress drops because you've become more comfortable with them, now we think the excitement's gone. But it hasn't, you become more comfortable with them in a healthy way. So, the interesting about sex getting on back

to that topic is that all the studies show that when oxytocin is released during and after sex, you feel closer, but you're not actually emotionally closer. And the chemical oxytocin also has a temporary memory block, which means if you just had a massive argument about how you don't trust that person, now that that chemical is released, I was being crazy.

You're actually like, they're amazing. I love them. So it's really interesting. And that's where I was being crazy. You're actually like, they're amazing. I love them. They're the best. So it's really interesting. And that's where I think a lot of these ideas about delaying sex come from. And if, oh well, I hope they do. I mean, if they don't, then that would be the only reason is that you don't make as good a decision about someone when you're in that kind of illusion of, we're so close. But actually, it's a chemical reaction.

Wow. So I really looked into this stuff because I was fascinated by like, why do we feel close and that's why so many people have makeup sex or break up sex and then get back together? Yes. Because it's this idea of like, oh no, no, but we are really close. We don't have any problems. There's a temporary memory block going on.

And I love what you said about like the connection of fear and sometimes getting that combined with like excitement. And then when you lose that fear, you think like, am I not excited about this person anymore? about the connection of fear and sometimes getting that combined with excitement. And then when you lose that fear, you think like am I not excited about this person anymore? And I learned that love has so many different meanings. And I don't like, I'd argue when you ask someone, what does love mean?

You'll get tons of different answers, based on different people. But I just got married in May. I know you're married. Thank you. And there is that feeling of comfort that you could never feel within the first month or two, but it's a different kind of high of stability and a safeness and understanding that I don't think we talk about a lot.

Yeah. Well, I think if you're looking for chemistry, you should change who you see every month or every day. Like if you just... Have you heard the birth control drama? No, tell me. People are saying that birth control, sometimes people get off birth control

and be attracted to different men. Really? I've not had this. Because of the different hormones. I've just been... She's had it, yeah. Because your hormones changing, that your attractions could be different. So what changes, I'm just in shape. She's had it. Yeah. Because your hormones changing, that your attractions could be different.

So what changes, I'm fascinated? I don't read full paragraphs when I get sent. But I'm a skimmer, but it is something of the fact that love and attraction is scientific in your brain and it can be hormonal. Or sometimes when you get pregnant and then you hate your husband. Yeah, a lot of my friends have been about quite as good as you. You're like, can you just stop breathing in my direction?

What I also liked is you delved into how to like fight well. Yes. And I don't think we talk about that ever. Yeah, we never do. Fighting is an art form. It's Kung Fu. It is.

Or it's MMA. Or it's wrestling. Yes. Or it's something. Yes. And not knowing whether you're MMA or whether you're wrestling or whether you're Kung Fu. Is where the issue comes from. I do think in my relationship, once I understood them more and learned not to take things personally, it really helps. Because sometimes they'll say something, you know, you don't even understand me. And then you realize like, oh, that's how, you know, his father spoke to him. That's all he knows and then you decide, do I want to deal with this?

And he's never had the chance to even reflect on that because he may not be aware or she may not know, they may not be aware. I think so many of us, if you've done a bit of work, you can see it, but the problem is when you've done a bit of self work, you start judging everyone else and you want to avoid that because it's a really unhealthy way to do it. You should go to therapy. No, you should go to therapy. Oh, you're gonna therapy. Am I therapist to it? I don't know. My therapist told me that you, my dad, can be of your dad.

Yeah. In the playground, that's what it was. It's like, my dad will take out your dad. Look, my therapist knows what's going on. Literally, but John and Julie Gottman, who have been married for God knows how many years, but they have an amazing study called the Gottman Institute, which looks at all of this amazing research and they found that the number one thing that keeps couples together is not date nights, it's not walks on the beach, it's not dinners, it's not movie nights, it's not holidays, it's learning how to fight. And when I saw that, I was like, wow, like learning how to fight

is a skill, it's an art form. And kind of like what you just said about taking things personally. So when me and my wife first started dating and when we got married and we were the first to argue, I want to talk about it now and figure it out right now. That's the kind of fight I'm, right? And men could be very logical, like, well, A plus B equals C, so what are we doing? And I'm very much like that. Yeah. And I called that in the book Vending. It's like, I wanna figure it out now

and I wanna do it right now. My wife is what I call a hider. She wants to go into a room. She wants to like, not talk to me. She wants to think about it. She wants to reflect on it. She wants to figure it out. At the beginning of our relationship,

I took that personally. I was like, oh wait, you don't care as much as I do. So I'm standing right here and you're working. Like I wanna fix it, you're giving up. Exactly. And then only to realize that that's just how she dealt with it because when she came back, sometimes two days later, there's a bit of a lot more.

Ten years later, I'm like waiting outside. They're like two days later, when she came back, it's like, I'm like, oh, she was actually in a place to process it. And so what we found is you need two days, I need one hour, like now, we're gonna meet in 12 hours a day, like we're gonna meet in the middle and figure it out.

And then the third fight star like explain is exploding, right, it's like, I wanna talk about my emotions right now. So you're not trying to fix it, you're not trying to solve it, but you need to be heard. Neither of these is good or bad. It's recognizing that we're all different and we all deal with stress and conflict differently. And if you saw your partner for justice style,

like you were like, that's this. That is so smart. I actually, my husband and I once, he like upset me with something. And I said, that upset me. I want you to apologize. And he basically was like, you're overreacting. I'm not apolog me. I want you to apologize and he basically was like, you're overreacting. I'm not apologizing. So we sat there and we just started dying laughing

because we were looking at it based on our styles where I was like, you're being stubborn and I'm being triggered and we, instead of fighting about, I mean, the actual thing was very stupid. We instead were like, okay, how do we long-term fix this? Because I'm like, I just want to hear you say, sorry, and he's like, go, I don't want to admit to something I don't think I did wrong. And the next thing you know, you're like, oh, we are working on this long-term relationship.

I think relationships are just, do you want to talk to this person for the rest of your life? Yeah, yeah. And can you navigate that conversation? Which is like what you said, it's not about the fancy, extravagant vacations. It's about, are you on the couch? And can you tolerate basic conversation?

And then can you solve problems together and do you want to grow together? I read this research that kind of goes exactly with what you just said. It was saying that if you want to consider someone a casual friend, you have to spend 40 hours with them. If you want to consider someone a good friend, you have to spend 100 quality hours with them.

And if you wanna consider someone a great friend or a best friend, you have to spend 200 hours with them of deep time. And so when I think about being with someone, or if you think about having a future with someone, it's like, do I wanna spend 200 deep quality hours getting to know this person is a great way of knowing whether there's longevity here.

And I think nowadays we don't think like that. We're like, if I post to my Instagram, are the girlies gonna love it? Do we look at aesthetically? And I learned from, I feel like everyone has that one relationship where you're with the person that society tells you you should be with. I always, I have, I'm a standup comedian, I joke about Disney and how Disney, like, who we should be attracted to.

Like as a young girl, it's like there's that one prince on a horse with a stupid hairdo and he's probably a narcissist and he takes up all the space in the room And you're like that's the one everyone wants me to marry And then you find that guy and he makes you feel horrible and you're unfulfilled and you're shell-y yourself and then you're like wait I don't even have anything in common with this man and just cuz you know so-and-so thinks It's cool, you're dating a guy in the football team or something. And I think we all have to overcome. It's almost like an ego death with relationships.

100% so well said. How did you realize your wife was the kind of person that you could spend the rest of your life with? Deep question. Yeah, deep question. She's listening, so don't look at it. Yeah, exactly. So I was attracted to her from the first moment I saw her,

so that was easy. That part was already taken care of. If you asked her, she'd be like, yeah. She wasn't, she wasn't. I feel like guys are pretty black and white with that. Like they're either like, I want to be with her. Yeah, yeah. And then getting to know her, I think,

I just found that she just made me laugh. Like, it is hilarious, she's adorable, she does the funniest stuff. That makes me so happy that you say that. Yeah, it's like, she asked any of my team, and she's like that with everyone. It's not like she's just like that with me. It's like, that's just who she is.

And she radiates this like pure joy and anyone who's ever around it. It's almost like, people become friends with me and they're like, oh, Jay, I really like you. And then they meet my wife and it's like, who's Jay? Like, that happens every time. Like, that is. That is a big part of that.

Well, everyone's been in a relationship where you're with someone and you're like, don't say that thing. Where you can tolerate them alone, but then in a circle, you're like, oh, I just think he's tall, but socially, I actually don't like how he deals with people. So to be proud of how your partner exists in the world is huge. And I'm just jealous of her, because she just feels my friends. But no, I think she's very, I think the thing about,

I love about my wife the most, is I think she really knows me deeply, and she accepts me for all that I am, all my flaws, all my mistakes. So I feel like I've showed her as time's gone on more and more of myself, and I don't feel that I've ever felt judged, criticized, or not been given compassion and grace at any of those points. And I think that that's why I love her because I know that whether we had anything or didn't have anything I know that she'd be right there. She's been with me since day one as well. So as a monk,

there's not a lot of monks who have become famous. And you are putting yourself out there. You're putting all of your teachings and thoughts into the world to be judged. Do you have any, there's so much fame going on nowadays. Do you have any insight of how you deal with the public eye in a peaceful way. Yeah, that's a great question. And obviously, I always say, like, I'm not a monk anymore. So I teach from my practice today, lived as a monk for three years,

but now I'm married, I'm a business person, I have a podcast and books, and everything else. And so one of the biggest things for me and how I deal with the public eye is, I am very open and at the same time I understand what needs to be kept private and confidential. So I don't believe in living a life where everything's on show and everything's for display. I think there are so many experiences that are more beautiful when they are truly between two people.

Yes. Or a friend and a family member, whatever it may be. Like I don't live in a world where everything needs to be out there. At the same time, I love being vulnerable and authentic and open with my community and my audience. But certain things could be really tainted in the wrong way when you just do it for attention or the public eye grasp onto it.

Yeah, exactly. And so I feel like I try to create that healthy balance between what's truly for me and what is it that I want to share I'm always thinking about what I'm sharing. I'm like how does this add value to someone's life? Yeah, a vanity shot of me is not gonna add But and so I'm always trying to think like how does this how does this really impact someone? How do I will just make someone's day better? Yeah, that's what I think about a lot and and I also made peace with it with the idea that there is truth in people's

commentary on something and there's also sting. Yes. And your job as a content creator, as an author, as a whatever you may be is to figure that out, is to take the feedback, is to extract the parts that can help you and leave the rest. So it's almost like leave the sting and take the feedback. And so you're almost extracting the poison from the process. And there's a lot of good out there that can help you. There's a lot of even what you would put as hate that could be very useful. I found, I mean, I'm going very deep here, but I think we've been kind of oscillating in a good way between, between deep and silly, which is fine. It's the idea that I find that fame being imperfect in the fact that it comes with a lot of judgment or criticism

is what detaches you from fame, which is what keeps you humble, grounded, and also protects you from your inevitable irrelevance one day. And so I think you can get so attached and fixated to fame. And if fame didn't have those stings, then you'd think fame was the best thing in the world. And you would think that it's the most amazing in toxicity. You would lose touch with reality,

which is that you're human. Exactly, and I just had, and obviously, what to speak of myself, I just had Kevin Hart on the podcast. And he was talking about this exact thing where like his fame, he felt he was indestructible at this point. He felt that nothing could get at him.

And he was like, fame let him down. Like he was the same people that were popping up. And that's when the world's like, oh, you ready to get down? Exactly. Has shown reality again. Yeah. And so like he was saying like when he was popping, the people that were popping bottles in the club

were the same people that turned on him. And so, you know, I think that, that to me is, that's why we get these little reminders. And so I take them as a little reminder, fame is imperfect, fame is not the goal of life. It's wonderful, it's great, but it is an everything. Like, don't make it a hundred. Because I wander here from your perspective

as someone who's like lived a life that was so anti-that, do you have any advice for social media usage also? Because you, both of us, live our lives on social media. We any advice for social media usage also because you both of us live our lives on social media. We make money from social media. We spread our life-try-spread laughter and sight. And wisdom. And wisdom. A ton of wisdom. How do you monitor social media and living? Yeah, I think that it's really interesting when you've come from a world like for three years, I didn't know who the prime minister of England was. I didn't know who won the World Cup and I And so I've come for you know that was a long time ago. I left the monastery 10 years ago. Those three years. I had no access

It's like big brother. But let's drama It's just them like this I want a monkey reality. It's just them like this. Yeah, just like that. Let me just don't move. You're too tired when it midnight. Tired on a midnight to see something. And nothing's changed, like it's the same.

But I find that for me, social media is something that I have to be very intentional and conscious. Yes. So I always make sure that it's not the first thing I see every morning. So study show, we have 60 to 80,000 thoughts per day. Now, if I asked you to control 60 to 80,000 thoughts, you couldn't. It's impossible.

And 80% of those are negative and repetitive. And so most of us are saying the same negative thing. Like you look in the mirror in the morning, you go, I'm ugly. I don't look great today. Get to lunchtime, you look at your phone, selfie, oh, God, I still look the same, right? You're like repeating a thought again and again and again. It's like comfortable. Exactly, and it's relatable and familiar.

And so what I said to people is make sure that you choose intentionally your first thought of the day and your last thought of the day. You can control two thoughts per day. And so my first thought of the day, I don't want it to be based on news, negativity, notifications, or noise, which is what my phone's gonna give me if I pick it up first thought of the day, I don't want it to be based on news, negativity, notifications, or noise, which is what my phone's gonna give me

if I pick it up first thing in the morning. So even if you can create a seven minute gap between when you wake up and picking up your phone, a five minute gap to brush your teeth and like just get to that point of having a shower or even if you can just do that, get there because I promise you, it's gonna give you your time, your mind time to warm up.

And one of the things I often mention is that waking up and looking at a phone is like letting a hundred people walk into your bedroom in the morning before you've got up. You would never let a hundred people walk into your nightmare. A literal nightmare. You'd be like, wait, I need to do my makeup.

You'd be like, oh wait a minute, let me just put on some clothes. You'd be like, oh wait, wait, wait, whatever. Also, I don't want to know how everyone is doing. Like, I can't take in all that energy. You're fun, you just need to forget my makeup. You'd be like, oh wait a minute, let me just put on some clothes. You'd be like, oh wait, let me, whatever. Also, I don't want to know how everyone is doing. Like I can't take in all that energy. You can't. You just need to forget your energy, right? But when you pick up your phone,

that's what it is. A hundred people just walked into the bedroom of your mind. And now you've set yourself up to be reactive to all their needs, all their requests. And so I find giving yourself that gap. So for me, one thing is giving myself that gap. The second thing is I consider myself to be fairly present if I'm at lunch or dinner.

Me and my wife had a rule that we set a while ago in the home, which was no technology homes and no technology times. Sorry, let me take that again. No technology zones and no technology times. So for example, the dining table and the bedroom are no technology zones. Oh, wow.

Because I'd rather eat with you and I'd rather sleep with you. I don't want to be like, you know, in this in-between. Yes. And then no technology times, like, after 9pm, let's not be on our phones. You know, before we finish our meditation in the morning, which is something we do together, we're not going to look at our phones. And so I find that even, and we're not perfect, we break those rules all the time. Like, yes, do I have my phone at 10pm?

You guys are wild. Yeah, exactly, yeah. Like 10.30 PM on my phone, oh my god. So that's it. Yeah. But, you know, I'm not saying we follow those rules perfectly, but even having those just sets better barriers and boundaries.

But I think the biggest thing is, please create a five to seven minute gap between waking up and looking at your phone because your phone's just gonna bombard you with negativity, noise, notifications, and news. And now you start your day on a minus four, and your whole day you're just climbing up the ladder trying to get back to zero.

Yes. When you could have set yourself up. A good way to learn about a place is to talk to the people that live there. There's just this sexy vibe and Montreal, this pulse, this energy. What was seen as a very snotty city? People call it Bosedangeless.

New Orleans is a town that never forgets its pay. A great way to get to know a place is to get invited to a dinner party. Hi, I'm Brendan Francis Newton and not lost as my new travel podcast where a friend and I go places, see the sights, and try to finagle our way into a dinner party. Where kind of trying to get invited to a dinner party. It doesn't always work out. I would love that, but I have like a Cholala who is aggressive towards strangers.

I love you, dogs. We learn about the places we're visiting, yes, but we also learn about ourselves. I don't spend as much time thinking about how I'm gonna die alone when I'm traveling, but I get to travel with someone I love. Oh, see, I love you too. And also, we get to eat as much...

Every sincere I love you too. My life's a lot of therapy goes behind that. You're so white, I love it. Listen to not lost on the iHeart radio app or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Mungaisha Tikular, and to be honest, I don't believe in astrology, but from the moment I was born, it's been a part of my life.

In India it's like smoking you might not smoke but you're gonna get secondhand astrology. And lately I've been wondering if the universe has been trying to tell me to stop running and pay attention because maybe there is magic in the stars if you're willing to look for it. So I rounded up some friends and we dove in and let me tell you, it got weird fast. Tantric curses, majorly baseball teens, cancelled marriages, K-pop, but just when I thought I had a handle on this sweet and curious show about astrology, my whole world came crashing down. Situation doesn't look good. There is risk to father. And my whole view on astrology, it changed.

Whether you're a skeptic or a believer, I think your ideas are going to change too. Listen to Skyline Drive in the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. In the 1680s, a feisty opera singer burned down a nunnery and stole away with her secret lover. In 1810, a pirate queen negotiated her cruiseway to total freedom with all their loot.

During World War II, a flirtatious gambling double agent helped keep D-Day a secret from the Germans. What do these stories have in common? They're all about real women who were left out of your history books. If you're tired of missing out, check out the Womanica podcast, a daily women's history podcast highlighting women you may not have heard of, but definitely should know about. I'm your host Jenny Kaplan, and for me, diving into these stories is the best part of my day. I learned something new about women from around the world and leave feeling amazed, inspired,

and sometimes shocked. Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Yeah, it's like immediately getting a punch in the gut. It's like that- You're kind of doing to yourself because you didn't have to look at the phone. I'm talking to myself as I look at my phone. Wait, okay, we're gonna get a little darker. We're gonna play a final game. But actually, I've added this new question that I think is fun.

What is like your version of hell? Ooh, I think to know that everyone you loved had like a terminal illness or like, you know, like everyone, everyone you loved is like to disappear in the same way. Like if everyone of your family was traveling on a plane and then you never saw them again, like to me, like, that's the worst thing that could happen because you, you know, even with the, you know, you, yeah, that would be the, that would be hell because I just watched the last of us. Is that what it's called? The last of us on HBO?

Is that, yeah. It's the, oh my god, it's so good. I highly recommend it. I've seen it. It's, it's very apocalyptic. Right. Fun guy. Anyway.

But did you mean more like casually? Hell, that was, that was, that was the strong word. That was the first time I ever asked this on this podcast. Like a new thing I'm throwing in. It's deep. It's I mean, yeah, you see what people like immediately go to of like what they value and what they don't want to lose. Time to play the seven deadly sins.

Okay. Yes. What are you greedy about? Ooh, what am I greedy about? I'm going to ask my team in a second, but what am I greedy about? I'm gonna ask my team in a second, but what am I greedy about? And it could be something physical and it could be something emotional. Well, greedy, which I've had to work on a lot of sugar.

I love sugar. I'm like, really about good chocolate. Like I'm addicted to my wife. Oh, yes. Before I met my wife, so yeah, chocolates for you. She gets you onto like the dark. No, my wife kept me away from the darkness because she's like extremely focused on...

Dark chocolate? No. Yeah. She kept me away from dark darkness because she's like extremely focused on chocolate Get me away from dark. I know all chocolates, but yeah, probably chocolate's wrong. Oh, yeah, I looked at her page I mean, oh she looks very healthy and knowledgeable. Who are you? Envious of oh, that is such a good question. Okay, who am I? Envious of no, I'm gonna be honest. I'm envious of Christiana Ronaldo because I think he's amazing. I'm going to be honest. I'm envious of Christiana Ronaldo, because I think he's amazing. I'm going to be straight up. If I could have been a football player, I was never good at... He deals with a lot of them. He does, he does. And that's what you realize, right? Even the people you look up to the most

are dealing with so much. I mean, yeah, he deals with way too much more, you know. And... I mean, that's why I came up with the concept of burning and hell, because I started to meet these people I looked up to. Yeah, yeah. And then you started to realize everyone's living through their own. Yeah. I even was thinking like, why did LeBron, like LeBron James? Is he that much happier than all of us? Yeah.

And then I realized like everyone has the card they're dealt in their own experience. And he didn't, doesn't have some like, karmic thing that made him like, his hell is as painful as our hell. Totally. It just might be an mansion. Yeah, yeah. And the thing we him, like his hell is as painful as our hell. Totally. It just might be an mansion. Yeah, yeah.

And the thing we're Christiana Ranado is, I don't, and obviously I'm, I'm half joking. But I think it's, I think he inspires me. And sometimes I look at envy is not that I want what they have or what he has, it's almost like, that's what I aspire for. And he's great in something. He inspires me by his mindset. He inspires me by his dedication. Like his hair.

I want to, his hair. I mean, maybe I could, I could, I could, I could, I could, no, I think my hair's good. Like, but I think, I think for me, it's more like, I aspire in so many ways to carry that spirit for what he does for his love, that I can do that for my love.

So that's what I mean by, and I'm going to do context. Did you manifest this life for yourself? Wow, wow. I would say that when I started, I had no idea that it would ever get to this point and stage. So I would say no. Oh, I love that.

Because I didn't really ever believe that this many people would care about while being mindfulness, meditation, and health. So I'm so grateful and humbled every day that I get to live this life. I love that because I almost think that if you manifested, like I want to be like have millions and millions of hours on Instagram, you wouldn't have gotten there.

You manifested, I want to fully understand these teachings and be able to teach people. Yeah, I think what I manifested was, I want to do what I love every day. What I love is learning, teaching, sharing, experimenting and living. And I'm going learning, teaching, sharing, experimenting, and living. And I'm going to find a way to make that relevant accessible and helpful to people and practical to people.

And that you love the journey of it. Absolutely. And if you don't love the journey, you're not going to get anywhere. Absolutely. Powerful. These are great questions. Oh my God, thank you. When was the last time you experienced an extreme wrath or anger?

Oh, that's a really tough one. Oh gosh, so I've never been, I grew up in a house where there was a lot of anger. And so I very early almost like, triggered by it. Yeah, I'm not gonna be angry. And even when I met my wife, we were like, we're never gonna raise our voices,

even if we argue, even if we fight, it's never abusive, it's never, so anger's like a rare, rare, rare emotion for me. Like irritable, yes. From a man that's powerful. Ius like a rare, rare, rare emotion for me, like irritable, yes. From a man that's powerful. I feel like a lot of men. Well, because my dad scared me when he was angry, right? Like it's like if you've seen anger at like it's peak and extreme,

you don't want to go near that, you know? So I can't, I really can't, and that's not me being insincere. I just genuinely cannot remember. The last time I was angry, oh, I can. But it wasn't wrath, it wasn't wrath. This was me being half silly again. When my wife, for my birthday, brought me a tablet

that was an ACIS, not an iPad. Right? ACIS, but no offense to ACIS. But when I said I wanted an iPad, it had to be an iPad, but it was not, it was an Aces. So you just threw it across the room? No, no, no, that's not me. I was in, I was still polite.

I was like, I was like, you got me an Aces. I was like, I was like, really? Like an Aces? And she was like, no, but my, you're like, are we also Android users now? Yeah, my family told me it's like really good technologically and it's like better. It's like, well, your family hates me. And I was like, well, your family it's like really good technologically and it's like better. Well, your family hates me.

And I was like, well, your family doesn't know I wanted an iPhone. I honestly can't remember the last time I was angry. But that's, it's also the fact that you meditate every day is probably very helpful. Yeah, yeah. Because I joke that a lot of men, whenever they experience anything besides anger, they like don't know what to do. So it's nice to have men feeling other emotions than just immediately making it the most masculine.

Yeah, and I think doing certain things that can express some emotions that are healthy, I mean, I played a lot of rugby growing up and I feel like as a young man, if you did have any anger or frustration, you had an outlet where it's welcome to be physical. And so even today, I know a lot of my friends like, we'll live to do tough workouts

or we're going to hike or something that's challenging is often where you can channel that anger. Yes. And I find like, if you don't channel your anger towards something that's challenging, you take it out and someone you care about. Yes. And I think that's what hurts me the most is that

the people that matter to us most get the worst of us And the people that we say that are first in our lives get the worst of us Mm-hmm And I would never want that to be the case and I don't want to live in a world where I just Treat my wife with anger and then I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm I didn't mean it and I think once you've said something you don't mean It no it never goes from someone's memory. It's always there Yeah, and so I just I kind of take that very seriously that I don't want to say something that I don't mean, it never goes from someone's memory. It's always there. And so I just, I kind of take that very seriously,

that I don't want to say something that I don't really believe. Yeah, I was a tennis player and I definitely like hitting a ball. Yeah. I would just go sleep after that. They get on the ball. The ball doesn't have feelings. Yeah.

Just go for it. Do you have a physical regimen too? Like, do yoga or you run or what do you do for a body? I've also had between a bunch of things. Right now it's hiking every day. Wow. Every single day for about an hour. It's really beautiful.

I love it. It also gives me the sunlight in the morning, gets my circadian rhythm moving. Yes. There's enough of an incline where it's challenging. It's great cardiovascular health. Yeah. I play tennis during the pandemic.

Oh, cool. That was really fun. But I realize when you take up a sport, when you're older, you're good while you're practicing. I didn't play for a year. I am terrible. So I was like, I was like, I could play some tournaments now

and then I didn't play for a year. And now I'm like, and tennis is so like skill and timing and feel. But I loved it. So I play tennis. I've broken, I've been, sometimes I'll be at the gym, sometimes I'll be hiking,

sometimes I'll be playing tennis. So I'll mix it up. It's good. I mean, I live a similar sometimes I'll be hiking, sometimes I'll be playing tennis, so I'll mix it up. It's good. I mean, I live a similar life to you and where like sometimes you're touring, sometimes you're on the road. So sometimes I have trouble with that consistency that I used to have as a kid when I was like just training,

but it is important to move your body when you're trying to talk about it. Yes, it is so important. Oh, speaking of, once last time you were a sloth, so like had like a real lazy day. Probably like last weekend. Uh-huh.

Or maybe a couple of weekends ago. I try and have a sloth. I try to have a sloth evening once a week where I can like order all the food that my wife would never condone. Oh, hell yeah. Go all out when she's not around. What's your like guilty pleasure, like your least monklike thing about you that people would be surprised to know?

Oh, at least monklike thing. Probably like addiction to fried food, sugar, chocolate fudge cake, with extra chocolate toppings. Like, yeah, that's gonna be food related. Yeah. I have such a big sweet tooth. Like burgers, fries, pizza, pasta, with a ton of,

yeah, I used to go to a place here in New York called Terries and I invented a shake there. It wasn't named after anything cool like that. I just used to go there and I love the usual and then we're like, what do you want to explain it? But I'd get them to grind up a brownie into their milkshake for the texture. I used to go for that texture and I was like, and I was like, can you grind it just perfect? So I can still taste the brownie into their milkshake. Oh, for the texture. I was like, can you grind it just perfect?

I can still taste the brownie pieces. It needs to come off the straws. And it's like, that's right. Yeah, you're getting too many emotions with it. Yeah, I get too in there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're too in there. Yeah, exactly.

Okay, this is the hard one. Well, it's the last time you let your pride or your ego get in the way of something. Oh my God, I mean, every time I talk to my wife, like, so, it's hard, it's hard, your wife, that's really good. This interview's so good, by the way, you're killing it. The person you love the most is the person

who gets that side of you, like, I'm the person. And they know you so easily to like, know exactly your triggers, like things that piss you off. Yeah, I, um, I officially had Jen and Ben's wedding last year. And I've been asked about a lot in that. Oh, yeah. That's on my mind.

So I officially had this wedding last year. Jen and Ben, casual. And I was practicing to my wife the day before. And she saw me practice. I had my notes. I rehearsed it for her. And she goes, that's terrible. You're just like, that's really bad.

Like she's like, you got to change that. And I was like, and my whole. You're just like, that's really bad. Like she was like, you gotta change that. And I was like, and my whole ego, I was like, do you know who I am? I was like, I was like, I was like, I've been asked, like, don't you realize that? And it was just really interesting because I was like, and then I was like, all right, I didn't obviously,

I said to her, I was like, no, no, no, no, it's really good. I mean, I told about this. She was like, no, no, you need to change the whole thing. And it was just really interesting because all my ego wanted to defend myself, but then I'm like, but she just wants it's really good. I mean, I told about this. She was like, no, no, you need to change the whole thing. And it was just really interesting because all my ego wanted to defend myself, but then I'm like, she just wants me to be good tomorrow. That's all she wants. She's being honest with me,

when no one else would be honest with me. She, everyone else would literally be like, that's the greatest thing I've ever heard, Jay, you're amazing. Totally, she just wants me to be good tomorrow. And she knows what you're capable of. Exactly. And so I rewrote it and it went really well. And she was really happy with it. And I I rewrote it and it went really well. Uh-huh.

And she was really happy with it. And I think that for me is a perfect example of how every part of me was just defending myself. And I think we do that with our partners with everything. We defend ourselves because we want them to love us. Yes. But we care so much about what they think. We care so much about what they think, but we don't realize what they think is love.

Like that is care. Then I'm saying, hey, I think you could be better at this. I think I know you can do better. I know how great you can be. That is the deepest form of love is care. Then I'm saying, hey, I think you could be better at this. I think I know you can do better. I know how great you can be. That is the deepest form of love and care. Not someone pretending that you don't have something in your teeth. You're so right by the person that tells you

there's something in your teeth. Someone came up to me the other day and told me I was just about to film. Actually, I was doing an interview last week on my podcast and my videographer said, me, bro, you've got like chia seeds all up in your teeth. And I was like all right. I'll go to get the mouse I've never heard Okay final question

What advice would you give to the listeners on how to cope with your hell when you're going through it You're in your darkness whether it's in a relationship your job What are some go-to things that you like to turn to? The first thing that I've always said to myself is this only makes the story better. One day, you're gonna tell your story, one day you're gonna share it. It may just be with a family friend,

it may just be, it may be with a child, it may be with a brother, a sister, a parent, and when you tell that story, your hell is what's going to make the story really connect and impact and help people. And so don't lose that part of how amazing this will make your story. People will be able to relate to your hell far more than your heaven because your hell is something everyone can connect to. Everyone's been there.

The second thing I'd say is what is this telling me I need to develop as a skill? What do I need to learn? What's the skill that I need to develop in order to break through this? Maybe you're holding a blunt sword and you can't cut what's down in front of you. So it's like, okay, let me learn to sharpen the sword. That's the skill I need right now.

And I think often when we're struggling, we're like, why is this happening to me? I wish this wasn't happening, rather than going, wait, wait, wait, what skill do I need to learn? Maybe the skill is mindfulness. Maybe the skill is resilience. Maybe the skill is learning how to fight.

And if you focus on learning a skill, now you've got an amazing ammunition for the rest of your life. You can pull it out of your toolkit whenever you need it. Yeah. So I'd say that's the second thing. And the third thing that I say to myself when I'm going through a tough time or walking through hell is actually it's the opposite. Reminding myself when I'm in heaven that hell is just around the corner and reminding myself in hell that heaven

is just around the corner. And both have to work together that when things I always say to people, when things are bad work hard, but when things are good work harder, because we get so complacent when things are good, and when you get complacent when things are good, the health feels much worse. And so just live in this equanimity of, I'm just doing my purpose, whether it's hell or heaven. Yes, instead of being so extreme with the light and dark, it's like you're existing. Yeah, I'm existing. I'm, I'm, I'm know what I'm doing.

Whether it's hell or heaven, I'm gonna wake up and do the same thing anyway. Whether it's hell or heaven, I'm gonna wake up and meditate. Whether it's hell or heaven, I'm gonna wake up and work out. Whether it's hell or heaven, I'm gonna try and serve and impact people

because that's what I was born to do anyway. Woo-hoo, wow. Jay Shetty just served it up in hell. This is so fun. That was amazing That was I was like I want to push him I want to challenge him and you knocked everything out of the park Tell everyone where they can get your book where they can follow you where they can see you live Give me all the teeth absolutely So if you want to read the book or listen to the audiobook version which I read out myself

Oh gorgeous eight rules of love.com the number eight rules of love.com And if you'd like to see me on tour which I read out myself. Ooh, gorgeous. Eight rules of love.com, the number eight rules of love.com. And if you'd like to see me on tour, I'm going on my first world tour ever. Very excited to sit in near you. Head over to jsheddytour.com, and you can get tickets for the International Tour. That is so exciting.

Thank you for coming to hell. We'll talk to you guys later. Bye. Thank you so much. What? Imagine the Lord of the Rings if Frodo never had to leave the Shire. How about the Wizard of Oz with no tornado? Or picture Black Panther if T'Challa never had to battle a challenger for the throne. They'd be totally boring, right? That's because every epic journey includes obstacles to overcome, mountains to climb,

and magical rings to destroy. Okay, maybe not that, but you get the idea. The next seven minutes are about your story and how struggle makes you stronger. I'm Jay Shetty. Welcome to the Daily J. Now before we embark on this great adventure, let's get centered by taking three deep breaths. Inhaling and exhaling, arriving and settling, connecting with this moment and tuning in. So I'm going to let you in on the world's worst kept secret. I love the Dark Knight trilogy.

I think Christopher Nolan's reboot of the Batman saga is absolutely epic. The characters are incredible, the story rich and engaging. One of the things I love most about Batman, aside from the fact that he gets the coolest gear ever, is that unlike many other superheroes, he wasn't born with special powers. He didn't acquire them as a result of some freak laboratory accident or insect bite. Bruce Wayne is a regular human, just like you and me. He needed to battle those villains along with his own doubts and fears in order to become Batman. The point is, there's a reason that were captivated by the Batman movies and countless other epic tales. It's because they take us on a rollercoaster ride. First, the main character is

up, then they're down. They win sometimes, but they also lose. Their final victory doesn't come without significant struggle, and it's that wild ride that makes the triumph all the more inspiring. But here's the thing, while we love to read or watch a great story, we're sometimes afraid to live one. We've somehow been trained to believe that only good times are worth living, that happiness and joy are what life is all about. We've made an enemy of so-called bad times, we don't see their value, and so we try to run away from them or erase them from our memories. But tough moments are there to help us, and we've been able to help you. bad times. We don't see their value and so we try to run away from them or erase them from our memories. But tough moments are there to give something to us. If Bruce Wayne had just gone about his regular life, if he'd never risen to the challenges set before him, he would have never become the person he is by the end of the story. He would have never become

capable of saving Gotham City. He would have never become a hero. There's a Zen proverb that says, obstacles don't block the path, they are the path. I've gone through some really hard times. I'm sure you have too. And when I find myself resisting what's happening, or I start to question why, I have a trick that helps me adjust my mindset. I pause, take a breath, and tell myself this only makes the story better. So instead of resisting challenges, think of them as brilliant plot points that make your life richer and you stronger.

Maybe even a hero. On that note, let's do a visualization exercise together to provide you with motivation for your journey. Begin by getting a little more comfortable wherever you are, landing in the here and now and letting distractions fade into the background. Taking a couple energizing breaths and grounding in the present. Feeling your feet on the floor or your seat in the chair, solid and connected.

Now bring to mind a superhero that inspires you. Picture them in your mind's eye. Think about their traits, the heroic qualities that have helped them become who they are, and really connect with that source of inspiration. Now look inside of you, and see if you can find any seeds of the heroic. It could be something as simple as feeding the stable power of your feet on the floor, or maybe a memory of a time you felt courageous. Whatever it is, start to cultivate this quality within yourself. If you're feeling some self doubt or uncertainty, that's natural. Bruce Wayne didn't become Batman overnight. I just hope you don't give up on the greatness within.

And let's open this up. How do you generally view tough times or roadblocks that get in your way? Can you reframe your outlook on challenges? Finally, can you think of your personal story as a hero's journey? I hope you feel inspired by today's message, and if so, make sure to pass it along to an everyday hero that you know. In the words of Superman, you are much stronger than you think you are. Trust me. I'll see you tomorrow. I'm Jay Shetty and on my podcast on purpose, I've had the honor to sit down with some of

the most incredible hearts and minds on the planet. Oprah, Kobe Bryant, Kevin Hart, Lewis Hamilton, and many, many more. On this podcast, you get to hear the raw real-life stories behind their journeys and the tools they used, the books they read, and the people that made a difference in their lives so that they can make a difference in hours. Listen to on purpose with Jay Shetty on the iHot Radio app Apple Podcast or wherever you get your podcasts. Join the journey soon.

Regardless of the progress you've made in life, I believe we could all benefit from wisdom on handling common problems, making life seem more manageable, now more than ever. I'm Eric Zimmer, host of the One-E-, where I interview thought provoking guests who offer practical wisdom that you can use to create the life you want. 25 years ago, I was homeless and addicted to heroin. I've made my way through addiction recovery, learned to navigate my clinical depression, and figured out how to build a fulfilling life. The One You Feed has over 30 million downloads and was named one of the best podcasts by Apple Podcasts. Oprah Magazine named this is one of the best podcasts by Apple podcasts. Oprah Magazine named this is one of 22 podcasts to help you live your best life.

You always have the chance to begin again and feed the best of yourself. The trap is the person often thinks they'll act once they feel better. It's actually the other way around. I have had over 500 conversations with world-renowned experts and yet I'm still striving to be better. Join me on this journey. Listen to the one you feed on the iHeart Radio app Apple Podcast or wherever you get your podcasts. Hi, I'm Brendan Francis Nuneum, I'm a journalist, a wanderer, and a bit of a bond-vivant, but mostly a human just trying to figure out what it's all about. And not lost is my new podcast about all those things.

It's a travel show where each week I go with a friend to a new place and to really understand it, try to get invited to a local's house for dinner, where kind of trying to get invited to a dinner party, it doesn't always work out. Ooh, I have to get back to you. Listen to Not Lost on the iHeart radio app or wherever you get your podcasts. I have to get back to you.

Listen to not lost on the iHeart radio app or wherever you get your podcasts.