On Purpose with Jay Shetty - 4 Biggest Arguments Couples Have and 3 Things To Do About It

Episode Date: March 26, 2021

If On Purpose inspires you, Jay’s exclusive Genius workshops and meditations will take your life to the next level. Go to https://shetty.cc/OnPurposeGenius to learn more. Money. Kids. Parents. Housework. These are the pieces of everyday life that we either work with or against and sometimes it’s difficult to remember that our partner is on our team. It’s often said that practice makes perfect. But who knew that we should also be practicing how we argue with our partner? On this episode of On Purpose with Jay Shetty, Jay explains three strategies on how to conduct better arguments to find the root cause and move past conflict.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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The psychology of your 20s hosted by me, Gemma Speg. Listen now on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey everyone, welcome back to Unpurpose, the number one health podcast in the world. And I'm so glad that we connect every single week. And I get to let you in on what I'm thinking about, the conversations I've been having, the things I've been reading and studying. And I love sharing this time with you because it's you investing in your growth. And I want you to recognize that that every time you're switching on to on purpose,

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Today we're talking about the four things couples argue about the most and three things to do about it. Money, kids, their parents, housework. According to relationship researchers, these are the four things couples fight about the most often. And for some couples, lots of us, in fact, we're perhaps fighting now more than ever before. In spring of last year in the US alone, the number of couples seeking divorce was up 34% over the prior year, and 31% of couples said that being in lockdown together has caused damage to their marriages and they simply can't repair. Divorce and separation rates are similar across the globe.

Anytime there's increasing stress in one area of life, it's going to affect other areas. And during this pandemic, it can feel like all of these areas of our lives have been compacted and constricted literally. In fact, as most of us are functioning in close quarters, and when that happens, we tend to take that stress and strain out on those closest to us, especially our partners. Today, we're talking about what couples argue about,

both what we think we're arguing about, and what we're really arguing about. We're also going to talk about how to argue more effectively and how to argue more effectively and how to argue less. And if you're single or you're in a new relationship, listen up as well, because a lot of what we talk about today are going to be things you can build into your relationship to increase your odds of long-term success and happiness.

And of course, it applies to friendships and family. So if you're in a situation where you're like, Jay, I'm just surrounded by negativity. I'm surrounded by negative energy. Then this is the right podcast for you. I want to start today with a story. There were two young monks who were journeying across the countryside to a temple they'd never been to before. At the temple was a very wise teacher they wanted to learn from.

They'd been traveling many days when they came upon a vast, rushing river. They looked at each other, how we going to cross. The one monk asked the other, should we build a raft? A raft the second monk said, that's ridiculous, how on earth could we build a raft that would hold up in that rushing water? We should walk along the bank and see if there's a bridge somewhere. The first monk replied, that's a terrible idea. How could you be so foolish? First of all, which way do we go?

Upstream or downstream? Second of all, we have no idea how far away the bridge could be and we're nearly out of bread for our journey. We must find a way to cross here. The monks argued back and forth for a while. Yes monks do argue sometimes, shouting and berating one another. Finally all of a sudden, something across the river caught the monks' attention. They tend to see a very old monk walking along the shore on the other side.

Wise one the first monk called out. But the old monk kept walking. Great teacher the second monk called out, and the old monk stopped and turned to look at them. Wise one the first monk called, can you tell us how we can cross to the other side of the river? Should we build a raft? Great teacher the second monk called. Surely there was a bridge somewhere up or downstream. Please tell us where it is so we can get to the other side. The old monk looked at them for a few long moments. My friends, he finally replied, I do not know for it is you who are on the other side. I love this story because it's about the power of perspectives. And as

I interpret and as I tell it, it's a story about the power of perspective in relationships. As couples, it's like when we get together, we set off together towards this vague destination of happiness. A lot of the time, it's like walking through the wilderness without a map. And so by the time we meet a major obstacle obstacle we may already be a bit frustrated. We may already have had a few squabbles or spats and then when we meet that obstacle we start fighting about how to cross it. Both to convince that we're right, don't either truly either knows if our solution will work but we've already taken a stance so we dig in. On one level the young monks have made an assumption that the old monk got to the other side of the river by crossing it,

and so he knows how they might cross it as well. But of course the monk has never crossed the river from his perspective, it is they who are on the other side. But what I like most about this story is the other deeper level of what the monk is saying. He is telling the younger monks you are both on the other side. And what I see that and in that is that the monk is saying, don't forget that you're together in this, that you're a team, that you're both on the other side of this obstacle together. So often we forget that the minute we start arguing about when this bill is getting paid or whose turn it is to cook, we forget that we're meant to be a team, that we're meant to cross the

river together. One of the things that so often happens in relationships when we meet obstacles as happened with these young monks is that when we fight, what we fight about is not what's upsetting us. And that makes it harder for us to truly resolve the source of the fight. What was really going on with the monks when they started arguing? Yes, they wanted to figure it out across the river, but why was it so emotionally charged?

We know they had already been journeying for several days, and they were low on food. They were probably tired. Maybe they had started to worry whether they were going the right way. The lack of bread was a cause for concern. What if they didn't have enough to sustain them all the way to their destination? Whether to build a raft or look for a bridge, those were the branches of the argument.

The root was different. The root was their fear. So instead of being able to calmly engage in a meaningful discussion that fear took over, there's lots of advice out there, including from me on how to work together to resolve specific issues, like disagreements about how to spend money, how many kids to have, or how to address conflicts around one other's families. Today I want to take a different approach to arguing by looking at some of the deeper

reasons we fight and how to resolve them. The therapy for Black Girls podcast is the destination for all things mental health, personal development, and all of the small decisions we can make to become the best possible versions of ourselves. Here, we have the conversations that help black women dig a little deeper into the most impactful relationships in our lives, those with our parents, our partners, our children, our friends, and most importantly ourselves. We chat about things like what to do with a friendship ends, how to know when it's time to break up with your therapist,

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I take copious notes and I want to share them with you. Anybody with two eyes and a brain knows that too much Alfredo sauce is just no good for you. But if you're going to eat it, they're not going to stop you. So he's going to continue to give you the Alfredo sauce and put it even on your grits if you don't stop him. Listen to the art spot on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you listen to podcasts.

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Deeply well is available now on the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Big love, namaste. Understanding how to identify and talk about these deeper reasons for fighting, take some work. But when you get the hang of it, you will develop something that I call a meditation mindset. What that means is that when you start to fight, when you start to see the argument coming, you can use those signals to switch to meditation mindset, which helps you slow down and

identify what's really going on before you get off the races with a full-blown argument. Meditation mindset is almost like a slow-mo mode where now you're not being swept up in the pace of the argument, but you're able to slow it down and think about it differently. There's a great saying that goes, would you rather be right or would you rather be happy? Meditation mindset switches us out of rightness mode and into team mode. Now the first thing I want to clarify is that fighting and friction aren't bad. In fact, they're extremely healthy in a relationship if you engage with them in a thoughtful and productive way.

Friction and arguments can actually become a tool in our relationship to you engage with them in a thoughtful and productive way. Friction and arguments can actually become a tool in our relationship to get to the bottom of things that are bothering us that we might not have even realized are bothering us. And so they can be a gift, really, to help us identify problems so that we can resolve them. But again, only if we know how to do it effectively. And that starts with learning to identify and talk about potential roots of our problems. I have a friend who is a body worker and something she once told me really stuck with me.

She said when I work with a client, I try and keep in mind that I'm never only touching one part of them, like they are more their leg. Instead I'm touching every experience they've ever had in their lives. I love that because this is exactly how we interact with each other as human beings in all circumstances Even though we can be really good at compartmentalizing we're never only one aspect of ourselves We're never only an employee or a father or a wife or a mother or sister When we interact with our partner we aren't just interacting with a boyfriend or girlfriend or spouse We are interacting with every experience they've ever had in their lives. And we're interacting with all of their ideas and beliefs about life and other people based

on what their unique experiences are. And so when you say to your spouse, why are you so terrible at loading the dishwasher? Can't you see that more dishes fit in and get cleaner if we put all the balls this way and all of the plates that way and glasses over here? I know you've had that conversation. What your spouse might be hearing is something like, you're wrong, you're imperfect,

you should be more like me. And possibly even if you don't do things the way I want, I won't love you anymore. Look at how different that is, like seriously right now, take a note of this. This is so powerful. Don't just focus on what you're saying. Think about what your partner is hearing. I'll say that again. Don't just think about what you're saying. And often we don't even think about what we're saying. Focus on what you think your spouse or partner or friend is hearing or family members thinking. But it's not just our spouse who has this filter

Where they hear what you're saying through a filter of their prior experiences and beliefs We all have it and so when you see those dishes organized or to your eyes disorganized in that way What some part of you really might be thinking is something like when things are disorganized? I feel out of control and when I feel out of control I feel afraid or anxious. Or when it's organized, you're thinking, Oh, my mom would have been proud of me. Or that's what my mom would have expected.

Or that's how we showed love in our house. Notice how it's all geared to something far deeper. One of the reasons I love personality quizzes and tools, like that they can give us meaningful insights into who we are and what our priorities are. One of the most powerful exercises I think you can do as a couple is to discover and discuss your attachment styles. Now I did an episode specifically on attachment styles

over the summer that was episode 158, and it included a many attachment styles quiz. I really encourage you to go back to that episode and listen to it together with your partner. To summarize, our attachment style is mainly to do with how we've related to our primary caregivers in the first few years of our lives.

Did we feel safe and supported to be ourselves? Or did we feel like we had to do or not do certain things in order to receive love and support? The three most common attachment styles are secure, anxious and avoidant. Anxious types often struggle with self-criticism and insecurity, and they tend to anticipate that their relationship will fail, so may need a lot of reassurance. People with an avoidant style, instead of seeking support from others, rely exclusively

or almost exclusively on themselves to meet their own needs. They believe no one can understand or meet their needs as well as they can, or that if they ask for support and understanding their partner won't be there for them. People with this attachment style often feel anxious or trapped when a partner or friend expresses needs, especially emotional needs, and so they may try and avoid or shut down arguments as soon as possible. But here's the thing, even people who have a secure attachment style, meaning they generally

feel comfortable trusting others and asking for and giving support. For most people who have secured a lot of the time, they can still be times they are triggered to feel and behave differently. As an anxious or avoidant type, and a common trigger is extreme stress, like we're in now with the pandemic. So people who typically do pretty well in couples maybe arguing more or having more trouble resolving arguments because they've shifted towards feeling more anxious or more avoidant. Here's an example. Let's say you and your partner sat down and created a household budget together that you both agreed to. Now let's say we did that in the first place because even that takes some work.

The next month, you're looking at the credit card statement and you see that your partner spent several hundred dollars on a brand new X box. When you ask him or her about it, he or she says that gaming is how they unwind when you press them, reminding them you'd agreed to discuss any large purchases in advance, they shut down. This is press them, reminding them you'd agree to discuss any large purchases in advance, they shut down. This is a tough one, right? But if you each know your attachment style, it might lend some help in figuring out what this argument is really about. Let's say you're normally pretty secure, but your partner's anger triggers you into a space

of feeling anxious. After all, you had agreed to the budget. Now they're doing something different. What else are they not telling you? Let's say your partner's more avoidant. Perhaps deep down, they fear that someone will try to control them. And when you set a budget, maybe they were on board at the time. But then something inside of them, maybe that deep child started to feel like maybe they were losing freedom to make their own decisions. and so they decided to rebel. Who's wrong here?

When it comes to feelings and emotions, no one's wrong. When we learn to see our partners not just through the lens of right now but through the kaleidoscope of all their prior experiences, it complicates things, right? And that's actually a good thing because when we add in that layer of complication, it invites us to be curious. When we appreciate how complex both we and our partners are, instead of judging them and assuming we know what's going on with them, we can instead be curious about where their words or actions are really coming from.

And that curiosity does something extremely important. It hits a pause button. In that pause, we can shift from anger or insecurity or fear to empathy. And that's where we can really start to get to the root of what's going on. Remember this, curiosity cultivates kindness. So instead of assuming we know what's going on with our partner, let's get curious. But admittedly, when everyone's worked up, it can be really hard to shift to curiosity mode. So that's why we've got to train the pause. When I work with individuals one-on-one in coaching sessions, that's one of the tools I teach them.

How to recognize when undesirable thoughts or behavior are cropping up so they can train the pause. When they notice in their body that they're feeling reactive or angry or anxious, or maybe when they start to raise their voice, it's an immediate signal to stop and breathe for example. Box breathing is a great tool that helps give us a moment so that we can calm our nervous system and observe what's happening. It's simply breathing into account of 4, holding for account of 4, breathing out to account of 4, and holding for account of 4, before starting to cycle again. We can do this when we start to feel ourselves shifting into an argument with our partner. When we start to feel tight and clenched in our bodies or anxious or angry, hit pause and breathe, and that breathing will help you give this space to shift to curiosity, to shift to that mode where you're motivated by wanting to understand not to win the fight.

Well that might sound like your partner is something like this. Hey, I just saw the credit card bill and noticed there's a charge for an Xbox. I'm confused and I feel upset because we just talked about consulting one another before making any big purchases. I'd like to understand your decision process. Can you share it with me? Remember we're training that meditation mindset. Instead of letting our emotions lead us, we want to read our emotions, but be led by our minds.

When we've made a commitment to steer towards curiosity, and we've trained that mindset when issues arise as a couple, we're more likely to get towards understanding rather than accusation. You've now heard me use the word training a few times. We're training the pause. we're training a meditation mindset. Training is a word we associate with athletes. They engage in focus practice off the pitch or off the field or off the court so that when it's time to perform, when the stakes are high, what they've trained is what comes out.

If we consciously choose how we want to engage when we disagree and then train that behavior, that's what will come out in that moment. We'll start to default to our meditation mindset. And again, part of that mindset is the understanding that there is a deeper why behind the surface, why of our partner's words or behavior, and of our own. Here are some more examples using those common issues we fight about. One of my friends had a recurring fight with her husband because she felt that he wouldn't stand up to his mother when she made critical comments about their choices

in how they raised their kids. My friend accused her husband of being afraid to stand up to his mother. In turn, he accused her of being overly sensitive. Finally, they decided to address the issue proactively. When they weren't actually fighting, when it hadn't just happened. From this space, my friend's husband asked her, what about the issue really bothers you? What are you feeling when I don't say anything

to my mother about her comments? By engaging in an open and exploratory conversation, they realized that what was bothering her was that deep down she was afraid that his unwillingness to stand up for their choices as parents signaled that his first loyalty was not to his partnership and children, but to his mother. And that made her feel insecure. In an extremely vulnerable moment, she confessed to him, when that happens, I feel like it's telling me that I can't trust you with my heart and I want to because I love you and I want to know I can count on you

and our relationship. Her spouse had no idea and truth be told neither did she until they sat down and got curious about the deep why behind this fight. Once they realized this they were able to address the root of the argument. He was able to reassure her about his commitment to her and their children. And he was also inspired to engage his mother in a deeper conversation about why she felt the need to criticize their parenting decisions.

And that brought up another common issue people fight about, which is parenting decisions. When he spoke to his mother, they discovered together that because he and his wife make such different decisions about how to raise their children, then his mother and father made raising him and his siblings. His mother felt there was an unspoken criticism in that, that it was a comment on her parenting decisions, and that her feelings and made her feel he thought she'd been a bad mother. With this new insight, he was able to tell his mother that he and his wife made their decision based on the parenting information that's available today.

And what resources and options they have available that his mother and father didn't have. So he and his mother were also able to address the root of their issue. And once his mother stopped questioning their parenting decisions, he realized how stressed out her criticism had made him too. Everyone was relieved. Now, we're not armchair psychiatrists. I don't mean to imply that. And it does take real practice to learn to start getting to these deep wise.

But that's why I encourage you to undertake that practice. And again, think of those athletes. They don't practice during the game. They practice before the game, after the game. But They don't practice during the game. They practice before the game, after the game, but they don't practice in the game. Don't practice in the argument. Practice before the argument after the argument and you'll be peaceful in the argument. You need to have a connection beyond conflict. You want to talk about fighting in arguments

when they're not actually happening in order to have better, more fruitful ones when they are happening. And here's one way you can do that. First, you're going to set aside a time where you're going to talk about how to fight. When athletes engage in competition, there are rules, right? We know these in advance. So you're going to sit down and create your own rules of engagement for tough or charged conversations. Now what I want you to do is when you have this conversation,

don't sit across from one another, sit next to one another, and preferably if you can, do it at a meal. It might be awkward at first, but you're going to sit next to one another at the table or the counter while you eat. One of the reasons I love this is that it calls back to the story of the monks I shared at the beginning of the podcast. Sitting next to one another helps to remind you that you are on the same side. You're not facing each other with the problem or the challenge between you, you're on the same team, you're confronting and dealing with the issue together. Now, why over a meal?

As Buster Benson, the author of Why Are We Yelling, the art of productive disagreement says, there is something about eating together that disarms us. Historically, the idea of breaking bread together conjures friendship and companionship like the big reception meal after a wedding. Once you're settled in together, you're going to do something psychologists call priming. If you've heard the expression, Primed the pump, it means to stimulate something you want more of. When you use a hand pump to pump water, you pump it a few times to get the water flowing. What we want more of in this case is positivity. We want to connect from a place of mutual interest and support. We want to

connect from a place of love. So we're going to prime this space of loving exchange by answering a question. The question is, what does your partner do that complements you? What's a skill or strength they have that isn't particularly one that you have and that you appreciate about them? Explain why you appreciate that. How does it help or support you? One of the reasons this particular question can be so helpful and feel so supportive is that when we first get together with someone, we tend to appreciate the ways we're not alike. But as my very insightful wife, Rady, pointed out, when she was a guest on my podcast recently,

after a time we can often start to be irritated or resentful of our differences and think, why does she have to be so social and chatty with people or why can't he balance the checkbook once in a while? Yet these were once things that you valued that you saw as compliments. So it can be helpful to remind each other that we're not meant to be clones of one another. After all, who would want to be romantically involved with themselves? We want to be reminded to appreciate our differences. Now it's time to set your guidelines and boundaries around how you'd like to argue.

I know that might sound a bit strange, but stick with me. You're each going to take five to ten minutes to think of an answer to this question. If you're someone who takes more time processing, you might want to start thinking about this question in advance. Think of it as your homework assignment. You can make notes and bring them to the conversation. Here's the question, when my partner and I reach a point where we're arguing or an argument is about to start, what helps and what hurts. Then you'll share your answers, take turns back and forth, each sharing one thing and then going back to the other person. For example, it might be something like, it would help me if you put down your phone when we talk. It hurts my feelings when I perceive that you don't care about

what I'm saying. Or it helps me when you ask me questions instead of accusing me. It hurts my ability to listen to you when I feel like I have to defend myself. And at the end of the statement, ask, can you do that? Or does that sound reasonable to you? This is the big one. It's a huge one. You're going to repeat what your partner said in a way that shows you've truly heard it. For example, I understand that when I'm on my phone while you're talking to me, it feels like I'm not listening to you. If I'm in the middle of something important that I need to finish, I'll ask you for a few minutes. When it's time to talk, I'll put away my phone and give you my full attention. I promise these practices are game changes.

Plus, when you can diffuse emotions in this way and put boundaries around how you argue, it's much easier to get to the bottom of the deepest why behind the argument, because you've created safety within the argument. You can go to those vulnerable places together when you're curious and you're focused on understanding rather than accusation. The final practice I want to leave you with is a simple one, but it's extremely impactful. Remember when I said that you want to have some kind of connection when you're not in conflict? As relationship experts, John and Julie Gottman say, just learning to fight

better or to avoid disagreements isn't going to make a relationship healthy if you don't have a fundamental appreciation for one another and a friendship. You've got to foster that strong foundation when you're not fighting so that when you do argue, your arguments will lead to insights and understanding, not hurt feelings and frustration. When it comes to fostering that foundation, there are loads of ways, and I've talked about many of them here before. Play together, learn together, engage in new experiences together. But here's one that's specific that I want to focus on today. Express gratitude to one another on a daily basis.

To be effective at securing the foundation of a relationship, gratitude needs to be specific, sincere, and steady. Number one, be specific about what you're grateful for. The incredible meals they make, caring for the kids, the fact that they're energized and working out or always positive. Be sincere. Don't just make something up to have something to say. Say what you really feel in the moment. You don't need to take out a separate time to express gratitude. A number three, be steady. Tell your partner something you're grateful for about the Melise once a day. Build it into your morning or bedtime routine or surprise them with a

text or handwritten notes sometimes during the day. Gratitude is the great relationship reset button. When we remind one another about what we are grateful for about one another, it actually helps us argue in a more loving and productive way. Because secretly and securely, we know that there's deep love. Don't forget to go back and listen to episode 158 so you can learn more about your attachment style and how that might be impacting your arguments. Drop a note in the comments on Instagram and let me know how you're getting on.

Tag me in your biggest lesson from today. We can do this. I'm here for you and I'm cheering you on. Thanks for listening. When my daughter went off to hop trains, I was terrified I'd never see her again, so I followed her into the train yard. This is what it sounds like inside the box car. And into the city of the rails, there I found a surprising world, so brutal and beautiful

that it changed me, but the rails do that to everyone. There is another world out there, and if you want to play with the devil, you're going to find them down the rail yard. I'm Denon Morton, come with me to find out what waits for us and the city of the rails. Listen to City of the Rails on the iHeart radio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcast. Or cityoftherails.com. Hi, I'm David Eagleman.

I have a new podcast called Inner Cosmos on I Heart. I'm going to explore the relationship between our brains and our experiences by tackling unusual questions. Like, can we create new senses for humans? So join me weekly to uncover how your brain steers your behavior, your perception, and your reality.

Listen to Intercosmos with David Eagleman on the IHR Radio app Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. Conquer your New Year's resolution to be more productive with the Before Breakfast Podcast in each bite-sized daily episode. Time management and productivity expert, Laura Vandercam teaches you how to make the most of your time, both at work and at home. These are the practical suggestions you need to get more done with your day.

Just as lifting weights keeps our bodies strong as we age, learning new skills is the mental equivalent of pumping iron. Listen to Before Breakfast on the I Heart Radio app, or wherever you get your podcasts. of pumping iron. Listen to Before Breakfast on the I Heart Radio app or wherever you get your podcasts.