On Purpose with Jay Shetty - 4 Communication Mistakes That Hurt Relationships & 4 Ways To Fix It Forever

Episode Date: May 1, 2020

Ever feel like you’re trying to communicate but the message just isn’t getting through? Jay Shetty explains that while digital interactions have become a lifeline, they lack the closeness of face-to-face personal connections. As we strive for authentic connections, focusing on improving our communication skills is key. Listen in to learn the mistakes you make that signal you're not interested and how to fix them so you can stay connected & nourish your relationships. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Our 20s are often seen as this golden decade. Our time to be carefree, make mistakes, and figure out our lives. But what can psychology teach us about this time? I'm Gemma Speg, the host of the psychology of your 20s. Each week we take a deep dive into a unique aspect of our 20s, from career anxiety, mental health, heartbreak, money, and much more to explore the science behind our experiences. The psychology of your 20s hosted by me, Gemma Speg. Listen now on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, it's Debbie Brown, host of the Deeply Well Podcast, where we hold conscious conversations with leaders and radical

healers and wellness around topics that are meant to expand and support you on your wellbeing journey. Deeply Well is your soft place to land, to work on yourself without judgment, to heal, to learn, to grow, to become who you deserve to be. Deeply Well with Debbie Brown is available now on the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Namaste. The therapy for Black Girls Podcast is your space to explore mental health, personal development, and all of the small decisions we can make to become the best possible versions of ourselves.

I'm your host, Dr. Joy Harden Bradford, a licensed psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia, and I can't wait for you to join the conversation every Wednesday. Listen to the therapy for Black Girls podcast on the iHart Radio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your podcast. Take good care. It's so easy to reflect the struggle conversation you had with a friend onto your colleague at work who you think is struggling with the same thing. But actually it's a bit more unique.

But for them it's different. And finishing sentences or predicting sentences means your mind is running ahead while that person is trying to find clarity. And if you're running ahead what ends up happening is that person ends up feeling like you're not listening, ends up feeling like you're disengaged and ultimately ends up feeling like you don't understand. Hey everyone, welcome back to On Up Purpose. Thank you so much for coming back to this week's episode.

Now I know that for the past few weeks, I've been interviewing guests who can help us navigate this pandemic. And I hope that you've been enjoying the episodes and learning from them because we've had some incredible experts from psychologists to doctors to people who have deeper insights about health and well being right now. And today I'm really excited because we get to reconnect. So I know I've had those guests on for the past few episodes, but today I thought to myself, I just want to connect with you all again. I want to be there for all of you.

I'm here right now. I'm genuinely meditating. Well, first of all, I'm meditating every single day. We've been doing the 20 days of live meditations. We're on round two and I'm doing them free every single morning on Instagram and Facebook at 9.30 a.m. Pacific time that's about 12.30 p.m. Eastern that's around 5.30 p.m. UK and 11 p.m. in India and everywhere in between. So every day I'm

leading a guided meditation to find calm, to find peace, to find balance because I really believe that if you can have a mindful moment in your day, then it can have a big impact on your mindset for the rest of the day. But not only am I meditating with you, I'm meditating for you, I'm sending a lot of positive vibes, sending you the best wishes. I'm really hoping that you're safe, that you're happy, that you're healthy, and that you're in a good place. I know it's testing times. I know it's a troubling time, but I'm hoping that you're safe at home, and I'm hoping that you're healthy at home.

So today I wanted to talk about this very interesting topic that I think super relevant right now, but it's relevant in general as well. And it's called the four communication mistakes we make in relationships and four ways to rapidly improve them. Now here's what I feel about right now. We're having to communicate differently. I know that a lot of us are sitting on Zoom calls for hours every day. We're on apps like WhatsApp and FaceTime and WebEx and whatever else it may be. And we're changing the way we communicate, not just for work, but with

the people that we love the most, people that we're so close to. And digital communication has its own pros and cons, right? There's pros to it. You can connect with anyone, anytime, anywhere. And it's incredible that we can do that. But at the same time, you want to really hug someone. You want to have a heart to heart with someone. You want to open up your mind to someone, and you want to have that deep connection with someone as well. And so listening and communication are such big parts

of what we're experiencing right now, and improving our communication skills increases our connection. Listen to that again, it's really, really important. Improving our communication skills increases our connection. If you're feeling lonely, if you're feeling disconnected, if you're feeling disengaged right now, a lot of that is because we're not communicating effectively because we've never had to communicate in this way before.

And we have to give ourselves the space and the stillness and the lack of judgment and guilt to feel that we can move on from this because guess what? None of us expected this. No one was trained for this. No one was prepared for this. But it is a great opportunity to improve our communication skills. So they're not only are they better online, but they'll be better offline as well. But if we have better communication, we'll feel more connected to the people that we love. How many times have you been on a phone call or a Zoom call? And after it finishes, you're like, what did we even talk about? What did what? I don't even know what we felt. Like, I don't even know how the time went by. And you kind of feel

like you don't even remember if you were present or not. And presence is something that we struggle with communication a ton. I remember I've heard it been said before in a speech in other places that, you know, we don't have a retention problem. We have an attention problem like we struggle with being attentive. We think it's that we can't remember something that we forget stuff. It's actually that we were never actually there. Like we weren't present enough to actually even remember it that we forget stuff. It's actually that we were never actually there, like we weren't present enough to actually even remember it in the first place.

So I was looking at some research about this as well and before I dive into that, I think I wanted to talk about what I meant by communication for today. So we often think of communication as speaking and talking. And of course, that is part of it, but you've probably heard the saying before that we have two years in one mouth for a reason, which would mean we should listen 66% of the time and speak 33% of the time, but either way, listening is a huge part of communication.

And to be honest, listening is the foundation of communication. Listening is the heart of communication because you can never truly connect with someone if you don't listen to them. And I found some interesting research that I read by Rebecca Lake and in it she was talking about how research suggests that the average person hears between 20,000 to 30,000 words during the course of a 24-hour period. It's crazy to think of that.

But listen to this, she also found that people spend between 70 to 80% of their day engaged in some form of communication and 55% of their time is devoted to listening. So I wasn't that far off with my 66% just based on two years and one mouth. But I want to talk to you about the mistakes we make during communicating because I think that when you become more aware and the reason why I start with the mistakes is the more aware you become of the mistakes, the better you

are at making the right changes. Because we can easily spot what we do wrong. And when we spot what we do wrong, we can limit how much we do it. Whereas if we don't spot what we do wrong, then it becomes harder to actually improve from any situation that we're in. Now this episode was inspired by a conversation I was having recently with Glennon Doyle, so Glennon's the author of Untamed and Love Warrior, and she was on the podcast on Monday, and she was incredible. I absolutely love talking to her. We've connected so wonderfully, and on top of all of that, we did a live together as well, and Instagram live. And this was inspired by a conversation me and her we're having about listening and communication. And here's

what I found that these are the four mistakes we make when we're communicating and specifically when we're listening. So the first mistake we make when we're listening is that we reflect everything onto ourselves. So I'll give you an example to make it more simple. If someone goes, Hey, so I've been thinking about going to Hawaii this year and then you go, Yeah, I was thinking about Hawaii or I just went there or my friend just went there. Or someone says, Oh, you know, we've been thinking about moving. You're like, Oh, yeah, yeah, I just, I just went and saw this really nice house. Or, you know, I'm really struggling right now. My, my family is going through something. My parents are going through something. Oh, yeah, my

parents are going through something too. Now, this is a natural reaction. And I'm not saying that the response in and of itself is negative. What I'm saying is that when we're reflecting everything onto ourselves, we're doing it maybe to try and connect or find some common ground. But actually, it stops us from listening. See, when that person is telling you that they're telling you something positive,

like they're thinking about a vacation or a new home, or they're telling you about something they're struggling with, whether someone's ill in their family or a challenge they've been through, they're seeking to be understood. Right? That is such a big need for all of us to feel understood. And it's true that we do feel understood when we feel we're speaking to someone who has been in our position, but we don't want it to be premature. So it's really important that when you see this approach, and often for a few people, it can actually be quite egocentric. Now, this may be not true of you, but you may remember being on a date with someone, where every time you said something, they made it about them.

Or every time you had something that was struggling, you were struggling with, they made it about them. Or every time you had something that was struggling, you were struggling with, they made it about them again. And so often it comes from wanting to connect, but often it can come from ego as well. And that ego-centric approach to listening, or the trying too hard to be empathetic approach to listening, both of them actually make the speaker feel like they're not understood.

And I think we've all experienced this in different times in our life where when you're really trying to share something and someone starts talking and deflecting back their experience, you kind of feel like, oh, well, maybe I shouldn't even bother right now. Right. So if you are going to have this response, first of all, make sure it's not from ego. Second of all, if you're sharing it in an empathetic way, then make sure that you articulate that effectively. Hey, I'm listening to you. I understand what you're saying. I connect with, I resonate with it. And I think that this situation that

I went through may help us both have this conversation. So it's important to articulate that and explain that so that the other person knows the owner journey with you. The challenge with the egocentric approach is that we're basically saying that, oh, I've been through that before. And so I know what the right answer is. And often that's not really what the person's looking for. The person again is seeking to just be deeply heard and deeply understood. And the best thing you can give them at that time is time, right? Just time to hear them, just time to support them and serve them. So the big takeaway on this one is when you are going to share your response of empathy,

explain why you're sharing that response and why it's relevant. So for example, if I've been, so I went to Miki Nos last year, we went from my wife's cousin's wedding, who's a really good friend of ours as well. And so we went to Miki Nos. So if someone said to me,

hey, I'm going to Miki Nos for a wedding, I may say, hey, I just went there last year and it was great. And here's the things that I would recommend that you could do. Right, and that would be a normal conversation to have, but if someone's saying, hey, I've got a father or a mother struggling with this, I've got this challenge. And let's say you've never been through that. One of the biggest mistakes you can make is, oh, I know what that feels, or I know how that feels, or I've been through something different

with my third cousin or my uncle, and then it feels different. And so sometimes just hearing out and not having a response, especially if it's a challenging situation, can be really, really helpful. And be mindful of the ego-centric response. Maybe you don't do it, but when you sense it in someone, it's a sign that the person is constantly trying to bring the conversation back to what's happening in their life and what's happening to them.

And notice it when you do do that, if you do that, because again, it just disengages you, it pushes the other person away, rather than bringing you closer together. In the 1680s, a feisty opera singer burned down a nunnery and stole away with her secret lover. In 1810, a pirate queen negotiated her cruiseway to total freedom, with all their loot. During World War II, a flirtatious gambling double agent helped keep D-Day a secret from the Germans.

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you get your podcasts or cityoftherails.com. The second mistake that we make in listening and communication is a beautiful statement by Kovie. And what he said is that we do not listen to understand, we listen to reply. We do not listen to understand, we listen to replies what Koby said and I think this is one of the biggest mistakes in listening. How many times when you're listening have you only got into your mind what you're going to say next? And you're spending all your time and energy trying to figure out what you're going to say next that you're not really understanding or really

listening to what the other person has to say. Now this is something I have to really monitor closely when I'm recording a podcast with someone. So if I'm interviewing someone for a podcast, it becomes really, really challenging because I can start thinking about the next question. I can start thinking about the next topic that we need to speak about. I can start thinking about the next question. I can start thinking about the next topic that we need to speak about. I can start thinking about another question that I planned. And I've realized that actually the best conversations are where we're in the moment because you ask the most natural question. You ask the question that has the best connection.

You ask the question that you really believe the audience and the community wants to hear and that I want to hear. Whereas if you're just thinking down your list of questions, it ruins it, and this applies to dates, it applies to FaceTime calls, it applies to colleagues, calls, and everything. Like when we're on a work call and you're just trying to say the next smartest thing,

it's not the next smartest thing because it doesn't feel contextually relevant. Like you can't, you can always prepare for a good conversation, of course. You must prepare for a good conversation. Of course, you must prepare for meetings and everything. But my point is that a pre-rehearsed answer, a pre-rehearsed thought or question or a just a reactive statement that isn't really listening stops you from having the moment. And what we do is we're so scared of having a moment of silence. We're so scared of that silence, right?

In a conversation, you're always trying to fill the gaps. You don't want that awkward silence. We don't want that moment where we're like, oh, I don't know what to say. Are they expecting me to say something? We're scared of that. But actually, because we're scared of that, we're constantly just thinking of the next thing to say. And then we're not listening again properly to the other person.

So the change we can make to that is that we can listen to really understand. And a good technique that's commonly used in psychology is explaining to the other person first what we understood. And that also gives you time to think about the right answer. So after someone finishes speaking, actually saying, hey, well, I just want to quickly summarize what I think I heard from you just to make sure. Now, there's a lot of wins in saying that statement. Number one, the win is you're showing that you're actually listening. People are going to take you seriously. The second thing is, when you articulate it, you give that person an opportunity to make sure that they're articulating themselves effectively. So if you think you work with someone

or speak to someone that isn't very clear, but you're saying this, you're actually making them realize what they sound like. And now they can be more focused on how they speak and share what they're saying. So you're winning already on a couple of fronts here and then another win with that statement is that you actually get to clarify

what you're both trying to do in that relationship and connect and you really make the other person feel understood. So remember that, don't listen to reply, listen to understand as Koby said, and that will keep you in such a strong position in any communication you do work or personal. And it's really, really important to keep that as a top, top priority. Now the third mistake we make, the third mistake we make is that we all try and be Google. And what I mean by Google is when it Google auto fills your search.

So we try to finish people's sentences and how annoying is it when someone doesn't and they get it wrong, right? When you're with a friend and you're both laughing and you both remember a movie and you say it at the same time or you remember a song and you say it at the same time or whatever it is, like those are all great moments where you're like, oh, there's so much synergy and there's so much connection.

But the worst thing is, is when you're talking to someone and they keep trying to complete your sentences or even guess the word you're looking for and they're getting it wrong because they keep trying to complete your sentences or even guess the word you're looking for and they're getting it wrong because they're not really listening. And so we're not like Google, Autofill or Autosert, or predictive search or whatever it's called. And when you're trying to predict what someone's going to say, again, you're putting them into a box, you're putting them into line with what everyone else thinks and says. Now, I remember this moment I spoke at Queen Mary's London University quite a few years back

now before I start making videos, probably like 2014 or something like that. And when I was speaking there, I remember I did a Q&A session at the end. And after the Q&A finished, this guy came up to me, one of the students who is listening, and he said to me, he said, how do you answer every, he goes, you've probably heard every single one of those questions a hundred times.

He was like, you probably speak a lot, you probably heard them a hundred times. He said, how do you listen to each question as if you were hearing it for the first time and answer it in that way so that it's genuine. Now, the amazing thing is that since he asked me that question, that has been my meditation every time I answer a question.

So what I remind myself is this, I may have answered that question a thousand times. Like when people ask me, Jay, how do I find my passion? Jay, how do I know when I'm ready to start a relationship? How do I know when I'm dating a person who's good for me? Like these are all common questions I get asked. And it may feel every time you answer them and you may feel this in your relationship with your partners or your colleagues or your boss. And it's easy to think, well, I've answered that question a thousand times. Why don't you just do this? But what I realize is that even if I've answered that question a thousand times,

for that person, it's the first time they've asked it. So it is a new experience. It is a fresh experience. It's not a recycled answer that's going to work. It's not just a recycled door. And when I give it that much intention and I realize I have to listen with fresh ears and I have to understand with fresh eyes

every single person, instead of finishing the sentence and predicting what you think the other person's issue is. It's so easy to reflect the struggle conversation you had with a friend onto your colleague at work who you think is struggling with the same thing. But actually, it's a bit more unique. It can be in the same area of their life. It can be in the same area of their experience.

But for them, it's different. And finishing sentences or predicting sentences means your mind is running ahead while that person is trying to find clarity. And if you're running ahead, what ends up happening is that person ends up feeling like you're not listening, ends up feeling like you're disengaged,

and ultimately ends up feeling like you don't understand them. Now just think about it for a moment. How many of these things that I'm talking about in today's episode, are we doing more of because we live in such close quarters with people? Right now we're indoors, we're with people all day and it's so easy to just not listen effectively. And you know, I haven't even talked about distraction because I think it's such a common one, but I want to mention it here because when we're finishing sentences, it can also feel like we're distracted. When you're distracted, or better, let's put it this way, when you're focused and someone's trying to get your attention,

it's important to share with them and say, hey, I really value you, I really want to talk about this, but give me five minutes to finish this off. It's so important to communicate that, rather than snapping back, or trying to be the big person and the great person trying to help and then getting frustrated in the process. And trust me, I've done these so many times. I've done that so many times. Rather, my amazing wife will ask me something, I'm preoccupied.

I then stop trying to pretend like I'm doing as some sort of favor and then I'm upset rather than just being like, hey, I'll literally just give me 10 minutes to finish this off and I'll be with you. It's so important, right? So important. So finishing sentences, predicting what people are going to say, getting distracted, the way

it can be solved is the finishing sentences is recognized that each person who shares something is sharing something unique. And every time you get distracted or you're focused on something and someone wants your attention, listen to them, but explain to them. It's so important to explain. And if they're upset by that explanation, then you've done your best. And I think that's the point here that when you're listening, it's about doing your best. Even if you reiterate to someone, here's what I think you said. And they're like, no, they're like, no, you got it wrong. That's a great learning point.

And actually, that gives them an opportunity to explain it better too. So don't let those things discourage you. I am Yomla. And on my podcast, The R-Spot, we're having inspirational, educational, and sometimes difficult and challenging conversations about relationships. They may not have the capacity to give you what you need. And insisting means that you are abusing yourself now.

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I'm Munga Shachikhler and to be honest, I don't believe in astrology, but from the moment I was born, it's been a part of my life. In India, it's like smoking. You might not smoke, but you're going to get secondhand astrology. And lately, I've been wondering if the universe has been trying to tell me to stop running and pay attention. Because maybe there is magic in the stars, if you're willing to look for it. So I rounded up some friends and we dove in and let me tell you,

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It changed. Whether you're a skeptic or a believer, I think your ideas are going to change too. Listen to Skyline Drive and the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Our 20s are seen as this golden decade. Our time to be carefree, full in love, make mistakes, and decide what we want from our life. But what can psychology really teach us about this decade? I'm Gemma Spagg, the host of the psychology of your 20s. Each week we take a deep dive into a unique aspect of our 20s, from career anxiety, mental health, heartbreak, money, friendships, and much more to explore the science and the

psychology behind our experiences, incredible guests, fascinating topics, important science, and a bit of my own personal experience. Audrey, I honestly have no idea what's going on with my life. Join me as we explore what our 20s are really all about, from the good, the bad, and the ugly, and listen along as we uncover how everything is psychology, including our 20s. The psychology of your 20s hosted by me, Gemma Speg, now streaming on the iHotRadio app, Apple podcasts, or whatever you get your podcasts. The fourth and final mistake that we make in communication and listening is while we're

listening, we're judging and forming opinions quickly. The challenge with this is that how many times have you had it where someone sharing something you make an assumption or a judgment and then afterwards you realize you were wrong and then it's painful because you're like, oh how could I be so stupid or how could I be so silly to just judge that and jump to that conclusion and so we do that when we listen to people, we just jump to conclusions. And it's really important, of course, to avoid doing that because it ends up

actually creating more divide again. When you judge someone or you build an opinion of someone quickly, I mean, no one feels good about that. No one appreciates that experience, right? I don't know anyone who does that. So it's so important, so important that you don't want to appreciate that experience, right? I don't know anyone who does that. So it's so important, so important that you don't just judge and you don't just create that assumption on someone, you let them speak fully. And this is what it means to listen fully, right? Really important to listen fully, as opposed to what we do is we listen short and make a

long opinion, rather than listening for a long period of time before we form that. So the answer is to listen deeply, to listen completely and deeply and recognize that your assumptions or opinions or judgments are entitled to them, but while listening you are just distracting yourself from what that person's trying to share. So it's so important that we give our raptor attention to listen to someone's full story before we give them our perspective. And this full story is so important

because in someone sharing a story, there's just so much they have to explain. And I think I've done that in my life many times where you, you know, it's like the tip of the iceberg analogy of you hear the tip of the iceberg of what someone's going through and you're like, oh, I know what that is. I judge it. I have an opinion on it. And then you realize there's this massive foundation of the iceberg below where everything's actually happening and you completely missed that. So these are the four mistakes we make while listening, we reflect everything onto ourselves.

Remember, it can be extreme empathy, like over empathy, trying to understand or it's egocentric to do it. The second is COVID statement. We do not listen to understand, we listen to reply. The third mistake we make is we finish sentences. We try and be like Google and predict. The fourth mistake we make is we judge and forms opinions quickly before listening completely

and deeply. And the four solutions, the first one is if you are going to reflect on to yourself, explain empathetically why that is useful to the other person. Second, instead of listening to reply, listen to understand and explain what you have understood before giving your answer. Number three, instead of finishing someone's sentences and predicting what you think they're going to say, listen deeply and clearly. Number four, listen completely instead of judging an opinion quickly, give that person time to express how they truly, truly feel. Thank you so much for listening to this week's episode.

What I'd love for you to do is pick out the elements that stand out to you. Tag me, AdJ Shetty on Instagram, AdJ Shetty IW on Twitter. Tag me on these platforms, whichever ones you use, and share what you're learning from these episodes. It helps you, it helps me, it helps so many people, and I'm so grateful to be with you here again.

Thank you so much for being a dedicated listener to on purpose. You're making this podcast incredible, and I'm so grateful to have you a part of the community. Thank you, everyone. Have an amazing week. Concord Your New Year's Resolution to Be More Productive with the Before Breakfast Podcast In each bite-sized daily episode, time management and productivity expert Laura Vandercam teaches

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But just when I thought I had a handle on this subject, something completely unbelievable happened to me, and my whole view on astrology changed. Whether you're a skeptic or a believer, give me a few minutes because I think your ideas are about to change too. Listen to Skyline Drive on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your

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