On Purpose with Jay Shetty - 4 Reasons We Try To Change Others And How To Cultivate Tolerance, Patience, Compassion Instead

Episode Date: May 28, 2021

Have you ever wished you could change someone in your life? Have you tried changing someone to fit your ideals and beliefs? If so, have you succeeded? Did it make you happy? It’s frustrating to try and change someone who isn’t willing to change, especially when your circumstances aren’t helping. This will only trigger stress and anxiety, and will continuously deplete your inner peace and compassion. In this episode of On Purpose, Jay Shetty discusses why we should stop trying to change others and instead, focus on loving ourselves through cultivating patience, tolerance, and compassion. Key Takeaways: 01:29 Have you tried changing someone in your life? 02:25 Top 3 reasons couples fight: money, sex, children 03:36 The reasons why we try to change others 05:08 In trying to positively impact the world, we are changing ourselves 05:45 3 things that happen when we try to change people 08:01 Reason #1: We care more for comfort than change 12:52 Reason #2: We can’t understand others because of own narrow thinking 15:20 Reason #3: We think we are always right 18:04 Reason #4: We don’t understand the value of diversity 20:40 Change and the motivation to change are an inside job Like this show? Please leave us a review here - even one sentence helps! Post a screenshot of you listening on Instagram & tag us so we can thank you personally! Achieve success in every area of your life with Jay Shetty’s Genius Community. Join over 10,000 members taking their holistic well-being to the next level today, at https://shetty.cc/OnPurposeGeniusSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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An opera singer who burned down an honorary to kidnap her lover. And a pirate queen who walked free with all of her spoils, haven't comment. They're all real women who were left out of your history books. You can hear these stories and more on the Womanica podcast. Check it out on the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen. Have you ever been in a relationship

or once you broke up, you felt like you could finally go back to being yourself? Were you realized you were only doing insane things to make the other person happy or keep them from fighting? Or maybe you had the experience at a job where you performed in a way that wasn't really you, but you did it to advance or to keep from making waves. Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose. Thank you so much for being back. I really mean that I really, really do. I've been bumping into so many of you on hikes or when I'm out in the streets and I love hearing how much this podcast means to you and how it helps you and serves you. It means the world to me.

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If you have not heard those episodes, make sure you go back and listen to them because they were game changes for the people who did and today is going to be no different. Today is all about why we can't change people. The four reasons we try anyway and how to build tolerance, patience and compassion instead. How many of you know someone you wish would change? How many of you put your hands up? Hi, have tried to change someone in your life. And how many of you are not in the long right now because you failed to change someone. I hear it all the time. If only my partner could change, she'd be perfect. If only my family understood why they were

wrong, we wouldn't fight so much. If only my colleague had a different work star, we'd get things done so much faster. If only my boss had a brain, the world would be a better place. There's a common saying that women get into relationship believing that over time their partner will change. While men get into relationships believing that over time their partner will always stay the same. Now the top three reasons couples fight are money, sex, and kids. And the number one reason most couples divorce is that they don't agree on money issues. And check this out. In 2019, the Atlantic published an article where they asked US Democrats and Republicans

what they thought the other party believed, and they were mostly wrong. For example, Republicans thought that about 70% of Democrats believed that borders should be totally open to immigration. In reality, that number is closer to just 40%. The Democrats thought that maybe half of Republicans supported some kind of legal immigration plan, when in reality, more like 85% supported it. If you're spending a lot of time and energy thinking about the ways The Gratian Plan, when in reality, more like 85% supported it.

If you're spending a lot of time and energy thinking about the ways in which others need to change, or you're actively trying to get people to change, you're wasting your energy. For one, we often don't truly understand what's going on with other people in the first place. Those things we think they need to change may be off the mark. And as we'll discuss today, when it comes down to it, we really can't change other people. Today, we're talking about the four reasons we try to change others

and how we can cultivate the tolerance, patience, and compassion that we need instead. There's an old Zen Fable that goes like this. A mischievous young man catches a bird and hides it behind his back as he approaches his teacher. Teacher, the young man catches a bird and hides it behind his back as he approaches his teacher. Teacher, the young man says, I'm holding a bird. Can you tell me is it alive or is it dead? The young man means to trick his teacher. If his teacher says that the bird is dead,

the man will hold it out and release it to prove him wrong. If he says it's living, he will break the bird's neck and then hold it out. The teacher looks at his student and says quietly and calmly, young man, the answer to that question is in your hands. I love that story because it helps us realize how much we have to take responsibility for answering those questions. I titled my first book Think Like A Monk because I believe the monk mindset is a valuable one for finding peace and purpose. At its heart to me, the monk mindset

is about mastering one's perspective. Instead of trying to force a change in our circumstances, such as avoiding a change we don't want to experience, or trying to always be comfortable, a monk will take the situation they're given and shift their mindset to work in harmony with their circumstances. As this wise teacher was telling his student,

the way that the world is is in our hands. It comes not only to our actions, but to the way we perceive it and the way we choose to interact with it. Instead, however, most of us seek to change the world and the people around us. And I realized this, now when I'm saying you can't change people, I'm not saying

we can't change the world, that we can't impact the world. But what I'm saying is that in the process of trying to positively impact the world, we are changing ourself. And often we try to change people who don't want our influence. There are plenty of people in our life who do want our influence, who do try to change people who don't want our influence, there are plenty of people in our life who do want our influence, who do want to change through our work or our

words or our involvement in their life. But often we get so addicted and obsessed with trying to change people that don't actually allow us to be influential in their life. Three things that happen when we try and change people. Think of what happens when we apply pressure to something. It tends to push back, right? It's force meeting force. Look at boxing.

One person punches and the other person punches back. In the end, there's usually a winner, but both participants end up exhausted and beat up. I bet you've experienced that in a relationship before. When we fight and push people to change, that's the first thing that can happen. One person may win, at least on the surface or temporarily, but both are exhausted and the relationship is hurt as a result. The second thing that happens when we try and change people is that they do change or at least they change what they show us. More

often than not, this is indeed. This type of change, it's a performance. Have you ever been in a relationship where once you broke up, you felt like you could finally go back to being yourself? Were you realized you were only doing and saying things to make the other person happy or keep them from fighting? Or maybe you had the experience at a job where you performed in a way that wasn't really you, but you did it to advance or to keep from making waves.

Instead of deeply shifting who we are or what we believe, we merely shape shift. We're like mystique in the X-Men. I'm a big, big X-Men fan, right? She changes her outer presentation to fit in. And again, that's exhausting. And it's deeply dissatisfying. The third thing that happens when we try to change someone is that they start to avoid us or to avoid the situations they know bother us. They don't engage

us directly by pushing back or trying change who they're presenting to us. They just try and escape dealing with us or they avoid talking about topics that might upset us. In other words, when people try and push us to change, we usually eat the fight, we fake, or we flee. How many of you know that you've done that before? When someone's trying to change you, you either fake it to them that you've changed, you fight them, or you try and flee them. And same way, how many times have people done that to you?

Do any of these situations sound familiar? Do any of them sound like something you want in your life? None of us want this in our life. So why do we try and change others even though we really can't? Let's look at some of the reasons behind our motivation starting with the biggest one. Reason one, the first reason we try and change people is that we care more for comfort than change. We don't like the discomfort of difference, and so rather than doing the

work of understanding and communication, we try and change those who challenge us in some way. We try to make the world around us more comfortable instead of working to become more understanding, compassion and patience, or seeking to learn so that we can broaden our own perspective. This is what happens when we create echo chambers. We seek to spend time only with people who see the world the same way or to expose ourselves to news and media that support what we already believe instead of challenging ourselves. Much of the time when we want someone else to change, it's because we're avoiding change ourselves.

We either don't want to broaden our own perspective or we want the other person to change so that we don't have to broaden our own perspective or we want the other person to change so that we don't have to change our circumstances. We don't want to end the relationship or look for a new job, for example. This story is based on actual people, but I've changed the names and identifying characteristics that preserve their privacy. Ben and Sarah had a pretty solid relationship. They agreed on most things. They rarely fought. But over the years, Ben began to realize that he wasn't happy in life.

It wasn't Sarah, it wasn't his job, but something just wasn't working. He felt more and more depressed and anxious without being able to explain why. One day, one of Ben's friends forwarded him an email about an upcoming meditation retreat. Better never tried meditation and wasn't at all spiritual, but he figured, why not?

He approached Sarah about the idea and she said all spiritual, but he figured, why not? He approached Sarah about the idea and she said, sure, if you want, the weekend ended up being life-changing for Ben. He was able to connect with the sense of peace he had in experience before. He met lots of interesting new people and suddenly he had all these questions about life that he wanted to explore. He started reading spiritual texts and meeting with a weekly meditation group. At first Sarah was happy for Ben, but after a while she became irritated. Ben's new interest in spirituality was taking away time from her. She became resentful and when Ben invited her to come along to a meditation retreat, Sarah refused. Their relationship started to become

strained. It's thought the other should change. Here's the question, who was right? Should Ben give up his meditation groups of volunteering or should Sarah start joining? The reason I love this scenario is it's complexity. The answer is whether Ben or Sarah should change is the wrong question. The real question is, how might both Ben and Sarah change their perspective to broaden their view of the challenge they're experiencing? When we pit one against the other and say, one must be right and one must be wrong like in a boxing match, everyone in some way loses.

Among might look at this and ask Ben, Ben, where is Sarah right? And then our Sarah, Sarah, where is Sarah right? And then our Sarah Sarah where is Ben right? That's one way to start building more tolerance, patience and compassion. Ask where is the other person right? Where can I understand where they're coming from? Instead what we usually focus on is what's wrong with what I'm doing, there's nothing wrong with I'm doing. Ben is right and he's following his heart and doing something deeply meaningful to feel peace and happiness in his life. Sarah is right in that it's fine to not engage in everything your partner is doing and to preserve your own identity.

Once Ben and Sarah can acknowledge those things, they can look at this question. What else is also true here? By insisting that the other change, what change are you avoiding yourself? What is it that you fear? Sarah fears giving meditation a chance because she doesn't know it could change her life. She doesn't know another way to be. That's a common reason we've referred you's not to change, even if it's something like a damaging behavior or habit, like quitting smoking. We don't try to change because we don't know who

will be without it. Sarah is afraid of stepping into the gap between who she is and who she may become. Ben fears that if Sarah doesn't change, their relationship could end. He wants to share his insights and experiences with her. And he's afraid that he will grow to be dissatisfied with her if she doesn't want to engage with life in a similar way. Now, I can't give you an easy answer here about what this couple should do. It's rarely that simple. The point is that if we can allow ourselves to get into that space of vulnerability, where we're having real conversation about what's really going on and what we're really afraid

of, we will by nature have more empathy and patience for one another in the process. We don't know the outcome, we have to let that go, but we can engage with the process thoughtfully. In fact, that's all we can really do. From there, it will be up to Ben and Sarah to decide if it's necessary to them and their relationship that they see the world the same way. Can they still honor their own deep values and be together or does it require change? One thing certain, for their relationship to be successful, it will require a shift in perspective on both of their parts. I am Mi'anla, and on my podcast, The R-Spot, we're having inspirational, educational,

and sometimes difficult and challenging conversations about relationships. They may not have the capacity to give you what you need. And insisting means that you are abusing yourself now. You human. That means that you're crazy as hell. Just like the rest of us. When a relationship breaks down, I take copious notes and I want to share them with you. Anybody with two eyes and a brain knows that too much Alfredo sauce is just no good for you, but if you're going to eat it, they're not going to stop you. So he's going to continue to give you the Alfredo sauce and put it even on your grits if you don't stop him. Listen to the art spot on the iHeart Radio app Apple Podcasts or wherever you listen to podcasts.

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the science and the psychology behind our experiences, incredible guests, fascinating topics, important science, and a bit of my own personal experience. Audrey, I honestly have no idea what's going on with my life. Join me as we explore what our 20s are really all about, from the good, the bad, and the ugly, and listen along as we uncover how everything is psychology, including our 20s. The psychology of your 20s hosted by me, Gemma Speg, now streaming on the iHot Radio app, Apple podcasts or whatever you get your podcasts. The secret we try to change others is because of our own narrow thinking.

We don't understand why people are the way they are or why they believe or behave as they do. We can't imagine anyone thinking differently from us. Again, I'm not going to get into any specific issues, but political divides are a great example of this. We're shaped by the systems we're in and the experiences we've had, and unless we listen to other people's stories, we just can't wrap our heads around why people are the way they are or what's influenced them. If we don't know about their background, their parenting, if we don't know about their upbringing, it's really hard to understand why they are. Now, if you've got a friend or a family member who you completely disagree with, but you actually want to get to a healthier place with, first, you've got to talk to them in person,

right? It has to be face-to-face contact that humanizes us. Psychological studies show that when we communicate electronically via text or email or social media messaging, we tend to have far less empathy for one another than when we engage in person or over the phone. We see this in the extreme phenomenon of trolling, and Buddhist monk Titna Khan in his book How to Fight Right. Never in human history have we had so many means of communication, television, radio,

telephone, facts, email the internet, yet we remain islands with little real communication between us. When we cannot communicate, we suffer and we spill our suffering onto other people. So you want to sit down with that person or get on a call to talk things through. And here's the thing, the point of the call is not to change their mind and show them how they're wrong and you're right. The point is to find where you think they're right.

It is to find where you both have common ground. To do that, you have to be able to dive beneath the waves and the controversy of individual issues to where you have common beliefs. You can ask what is your core belief behind the issue. Maybe you have different approaches to how school should be run, for example, but you both believe that every child deserves access to a high quality education. Once you find some common ground, you want to engage your curiosity.

With no agenda other than to learn, ask if they would mind sharing with you why they believe their way to ensure this kind of education for every child is the most viable or effective. And when you come up on a point when you are confused or don't agree, don't argue. You can disagree but not argue. You can explain and understand but not need to argue. Now, the third reason we try to change others is related to reason number two, but it's slightly different.

It's that we think we're right. We don't just think we're right. We know it. We're self-righteous. We're so convinced of our own rightness that we won't allow ourselves to consider that someone else could be right or that we could both be right,

or neither of us could be right. I often say to Rady, I'm like, look, literally, I don't think we're both right right now. I think both of us are just being stubborn and I'll call it out. And I've found that calling out that both of us are acting a certain way, is so much better than calling out that one person is acting that way. One of the reasons for this is something called cognitive dissonance. The theory states that we are motivated to feel harmony and that our thoughts and actions are in line with our values and beliefs. In other words, they were right. When we feel like something is out of line or sense,

we could be wrong. We shift our perceptions to keep us feeling like we're in the right. Researchers took a group of subjects and had them undertake two sets of tasks. First they had a tray and 12 spools. They had to put the spools into the tray, empty the tray, and put the spools back over and over again for 30 minutes. Then the experimenters had the subjects do another equally boring task, having to turn 48 wooden pegs one quarter turn at a time. Finally, what they thought was the end of the study,

the experimenter told the subjects that there was another group of subjects coming, and he needed one of them to volunteer to explain the tasks for them. Additionally, they had to tell the subjects that the tasks were fun, interesting, and intriguing. In other words, they had to lie. Later, both groups of participants actually rated the task to be not as boring as a third group who is never asked to lie. In other words, those who lied and said the task was fun, later rated the task as having been more fun than those who'd never lied about it. They changed the assessment of the task to be

closer to the lie they told because they didn't want to think of themselves as having lied. We will actually change how we perceive the world to match what we've said even if we know we don't truly feel that way. One of the reasons it's hard to do that, to open our minds to what others points of view, is cognitive dissonance, but it's also our egos. If we have tied our sense of identity to our rightness, it's very hard to have compassion or empathy or tolerance or to be open to shifting our own world view. Instead, we're more flexible and open-minded when we tie our identity to growth and learning. This is something Julia Gallup found out of the

center for applied rationality calls the Scout mindset. When we have a Scout mindset, we value seeing things as they actually are. The final reason we push others to change is that we don't understand the value of diversity. This links to cognitive dissonance where we value harmony over learning. We don't understand that a diversity of views and opinions and even some disagreement over those views is not only healthy, it also helps us achieve more and better. According to an MIT study looking at what makes team successful, it's not having superstar

intellects and geniuses on the team. One of the key factors is for the team success is that many different people contribute, so team members get to hear many different points of view. In another study, researchers took 200 people and created mock jury panels comprised of six people per panel. On some panels, all participants were white. On others, there was a mixture of black and white panelists. They were then shown a video of a trial with a black defendant and white plaintiffs, and asked to come to a consensus about whether or not the defendant was guilty.

When discussing the case, the diverse jury groups were more likely to have deeper, more meaningful discussions of the facts of the case, and they made fewer factual errors than the jury groups where everyone was white. Another study showed that diverse teams were also more likely to price stocks more accurately than homogenous teams. One of the reasons we try to change other people to think or act more like us is that we don't understand that it actually serves us to be exposed to people who think differently. That's one of the points of the podcast.

I love interviewing people from so many different backgrounds and so many different walks of life because we all learn more together. As Dennis Waitley once advised, change the changeable. Accept the unchangeable and remove yourself from the unacceptable. I would add to that and learn wherever you can. If I've challenged or complicated your thinking a bit today, good. One of the reasons we try and change others is that our thinking is too binary and too simplistic. We are complex and rich and we both shape and are shaped by the world around us. Solutions are rarely about who's right and who's wrong,

and at the end of the day, lots of us would benefit from changing some things. If we can learn to pay more attention to questioning our own perceptions and to cleansing the lens through which we're looking, rather than presuming our way is the best way that is among mindset. And when we can begin to truly listen to one another and find common ground and understand that indigging deep into tough issues, diversity of thought and opinion is our ally. We will begin to understand that sometimes the people who need the most tolerance, patience, and empathy is us for ourselves.

I wanted to share with you one final idea. I know that I spent most of this episode on you, not the person you want to change, and that's really the point, because that's what we can control, our own perspective. Change and the motivation to change are an inside job, but if we truly want to support someone in making a change and getting motivated, what we don't want to do

is withhold our love from them until they make that change. This is also from my teacher, Radha Natswami, who writes, sometimes we wait for love to come to us. And in the process, we withhold our love. But that withholding is actually keeping us from the love we seek. Sometimes loving someone exactly where they are on its own creator profound shift. When we feel safe and love for who we are, we actually feel safe for the change. So rather than list all the ways you wish someone else would change or

were different, try loving them where they are and let that love work its own magic on both of you. And the same goes for you. Try loving yourself where you are right now and watch what happens. Thank you so much for listening to On Purpose today. I hope that you've enjoyed this episode. I hope that you'll share it. Tag me on Instagram on Twitter with what you're learning and what you're gaining and I'll see you again next week. The world of chocolate has been turned upside down. A very unusual situation. You saw the stacks of cash in an office.

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Hi, I'm Brendan Francis Nuneum. I'm a journalist, a wanderer, and a bit of a bond vivant, but mostly a human just trying to figure out what it's all about. And not lost is my new podcast about all those things. It's a travel show where each week I go with a friend to a new place and to really understand it, I try to get invited to a local's house for dinner where kind of trying to get invited to a new place and to really understand it, try to get invited to a local's house for dinner. We're kind of trying to get invited to a dinner party. It doesn't always work out. Ooh, I have to get back to you.

Listen to not lost on the iHeart radio app or wherever you get your podcasts. The one you feed explores how to build a fulfilling life admits the challenges we face. We share manageable steps to living with more joy and less fear through guidance on emotional resilience, transformational habits, and personal growth. I'm your host, Eric Zimmer, and I speak with experts ranging from psychologists to spiritual teachers, offering powerful lessons to apply daily. Create the life you want now. Listen to the one you feed on the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your podcasts.

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