On Purpose with Jay Shetty - 4 Steps to Improve Your Self Awareness to Reach Your Goals & How to Change Your Perspective on Rejection
Episode Date: March 24, 2023Today, I am going to share with you the conversation I had with Rich Roll in his podcast. I talk about my experiences as a monk and share insights on meditation, mindfulness, and conscious capitalism.... I also talk about the double-edged sword of social media and how it can be used for good. Our conversation also touches on the topic of happiness, and I provide tips on how to reframe one's perspective on life. We should reflect on one's passions and expertise, find patterns in one's life, and create an environment for opportunities to come later. You can order my new book 8 RULES OF LOVE at 8rulesoflove.com or at a retail store near you. You can also get the chance to see me live on my first ever world tour. This is a 90 minute interactive show where I will take you on a journey of finding, keeping and even letting go of love. Head to jayshettytour.com and find out if I'll be in a city near you. Thank you so much for all your support - I hope to see you soon.Key Takeaways:00:00 Intro02:30 Finding a life-long partner takes a lot of work, dedication, and time08:55 "If you can't explain something simply, you don't understand it well enough."11:47 Growing up in London bullied for being overweight and dealing with a rebellious phase 15:42 Discovering your passion and finding a different path for yourself19:48 Finding inspiration in someone you least expect and pivoting from your current journey 30:50 Getting the chance to live both options of life: monkhood and real life38:11 What is it like to live a life in service to others?46:40 Here is a glimpse of how a monk lives day to day50:43 This is how monks train themselves to avoid the follower mentality55:18 There are an infinite of seats in the theater of happiness, you just need to find your own seat57:26 How do you find your passion and what you can do to genuinely identify them.1:05:32 Asking the right questions to help develop self-awareness and positive intuition 1:09:44 “When you protect your purpose, your purpose protects you.”1:19:29 Venturing into the social media space and finding a career opportunity1:22:34 The truth about detachment and you can use it to your advantage1:25:56 Jay explains the process of purification1:29:39 Maintaining a routine can be hard but it is a beneficial practice1:36:24 Disengagement is the beginning step of re-engagement 1:42:55 The three things we aren’t aware of - Element, Environment, and Energy1:49:23 Jay explains the different relationship tools for a healthy partnershipLike this show? Please leave us a review here - even one sentence helps! Post a screenshot of you listening on Instagram & tag us so we can thank you personally!Want to be a Jay Shetty Certified Life Coach? Get the Digital Guide and Workbook from Jay Shetty https://jayshettypurpose.com/fb-getting-started-as-a-life-coach-podcast/ See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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Hey, it's Debbie Brown, host of the Deeply Well Podcast, where we hold conscious conversations
with leaders and radical healers and wellness around topics that are meant to expand and support
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Regardless of the progress you've made in life, I believe we could all benefit from wisdom
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Hi, I'm Brendan Francis Nunehm. I'm a journalist, a wanderer, and a bit of a bond-vivant, but
mostly a human just trying to figure out what it's
all about.
And not lost is my new podcast about all those things.
It's a travel show where each week I go with a friend to a new place and to really understand
it, I try to get invited to a local's house for dinner, where kind of trying to get invited
to a dinner party, it doesn't always work out.
Ooh, I have to get back to you.
Listen to not lost on the iHeart radio app
or wherever you get your podcasts.
You have to protect your strengths,
your calling, your passions, your interests,
your skills, you have to protect them like a precious jewel
because the whole world will come at you
and tell you that it's worth nothing.
And if you don't protect it,
it can't protect your value back.
The cat I'd mystic is in the house.
A favorite phrase of mine coined by our friend Russell.
Yes, absolutely. Yeah. Russell had a lot of names for me. It does.
Over the years.
He seems to come up with them relatively spontaneously.
Yeah, he does. He does. I mean, that's who he is, right? He's one of the years. He seems to come up with them relatively spontaneously. Yeah, he does.
He does.
I mean, that's who he is, right?
He's one of the most.
He's one of the most spontaneous people I've ever met.
I know.
Amazing.
He's great.
Welcome.
Great to have you here.
Thanks for driving all the way out here.
It's been a long time.
It's been a long time.
It's my pleasure.
I'm so grateful to be out here, Rich.
I know we've become recent friends and I'm excited.
I'm excited to bond more and get to do this.
Likewise, two times in like two weeks,
because I was started your show the other day.
So this is great.
We're on the precipice of your book coming out,
which will be out when this comes out,
which it's got to be an exciting time for you.
It is, man.
It's I feel like every year I try and do a new first.
And this time it's the book.
And yeah, it's like I get all the nerves. I get anxious, and in a good way, I love it.
It's cool.
In preparation for the day, I was poking around the internet, and I've been following
you for some time, but just trying to get up to speed.
And I got to tell you, I'm falling in love with your wife.
She's adorable.
She's adorable.
So you know, I get literally, so this is the story of my life. Basically, people like me to some degree, I hope.
They spend time with me and then I introduce them to my wife and then they go,
oh, then it's over.
Yeah, literally.
No one ever wants to see me ever again.
It happens all the time.
So now my wife, yeah, and she's amazing.
Like, we talked about it with your wife too.
And it's, my wife is amazing.
She's incredible.
I'm not surprised that people love it more than me.
We both upgraded, which I feel good about.
I'm happy to be with someone who's better than me.
It's a blessing.
Yeah.
I've had that experience many times over.
We do this, I was telling you earlier,
we do this retreat every year in Italy.
And people show up from all over the place,
40 people for this week-long experience.
And most of them arrive under this idea that they're going to like go trail running with me,
and they're going to learn about plant-based cooking, and maybe do a little meditation.
It's going to be fun, like, expectations are low. And then it becomes like a whole Julie experience.
They're like, I didn't know that we were going to get this.
And then they all fall in love with her.
And I become very secondary to the entire experience.
Okay. So we've got a lot in common there.
We've got a lot in common.
Yeah.
What's the plant-based thing?
Irvita, all the stuff that she's doing.
It's great.
It's just cool.
Yeah. No, my wife is, she's a real, she's a real genuinely powerful soul.
Yeah.
She does everything from her heart and she's always been that way.
And you guys have been together for a long time.
We've been together for seven years.
We've been married for four and we just feel like we've got stronger and stronger.
It's been really interesting for us because our life literally turned on its head when
my career really started to take off.
And so in 2016, I moved job three times.
We moved country.
We bought our house, put it on rent,
found an apartment to rent,
and got married all in the same year.
And it was a lot.
It was a lot, but it was also a lot of bonding together
and forming.
And I think we had a moment where I think
it could have gone either way.
Like it literally could have broke us or it could have made us and thankfully because of how she is and how I am and what we both
wanted from our relationship, we've really been able to build something special, but you
know, it's taken a lot of work and that was definitely a tough time.
Yeah, I have no doubt. I mean, I think that level of change could easily and most likely splits
apart, most couples, especially
when one person in the relationship suddenly goes on a crazy trajectory that isn't like,
that doesn't, where the other person isn't kind of in a parody type situation.
And without, you know, a lot of relationship skills and communication, that ends up, you
know, planning the seeds of, you know, the demise of many of your relationships.
Yeah, exactly.
And, you know, we had our tough times,
like I remember knowing that every time I went out to work,
that my wife was at home, my new wife,
like as in my, you know, very new in terms of time,
she's at home crying because she's just been moved away
from her family and her home.
And you're off like in your bliss.
Totally.
I'm trying to follow my bliss
as Joseph Campbell would say,
and just like trying to build my purpose,
but in the back of my mind,
I'm feeling the pain of the fact that
I'm like, my wife doesn't have any friends here,
we don't have any family in New York,
we don't have a community here.
Like, we're feeling that gap
and then me trying to play both roles
and wanting to, I used to set up on these dates.
So I would literally set up on dates with women that I'd met, that I thought would get
along with her.
And she'd be like, why are you keep trying to set me up on dates with women?
But it was just, I was trying so hard and I really made it my priority that she became
my priority.
I was like, if she's not happy here, if she doesn't feel like this is her home, if she doesn't
feel satisfied here, then it doesn't matter what happens
with my purpose. So I would say she actually became my top priority when we lived in New York.
And when we moved to LA, it's actually been the opposite where she loves LA and has made the
best friends of her life and has an incredible community around her. And I haven't had to have
that. Whereas in New York, I really felt that sense of pressure to help her feel at home.
It's interesting because usually it's the other way around.
New York is a place that feels easier
to get socially acclimated than LA.
I think LA can be an incredibly lonely place.
Interesting.
When you arrive and you're new and you don't have a community
because everybody is so dispersed,
and in their cars, it's just not as spontaneous as New York
or in the United States. It's difficult to connect. I mean, I think the onus is on the individual to really make something happen. dispersed. And in their cars, it's just not as spontaneous as New York or, or, you know,
it's, it's difficult to connect. I mean, I think the onus is on the individual to really
make something happen. Yeah, I think we were lucky. We had, we had a couple of friends
here who really opened us up to their world and their friends and that led to us making
friends. But also just, I found in New York, and I guess it also depends where you are in
your career and, and all of that kind of stuff too. But I, I felt like in New York, people
like came late to meetings and left early
and always had 30 minutes to see me.
And also, this was the biggest one.
And this is huge, it's a weird one.
But when you think about it, it really resonates.
People in LA have homes or they have larger apartments.
And so people invite you to their home.
Like today we're in your home
and you have a beautiful home. And when people're in your home and you have a beautiful home.
And when people come to your home,
you end up spending more time with them.
So I remember the first weekend we came in,
my friend, through a party, and we went out
and we spent eight hours with someone.
Right.
And I was like, well, we just spent eight hours with someone.
I never spent eight hours with someone.
Yeah, if you're in New York, you'd be at a bar.
You'd be at a bar restaurant.
Totally.
And I think that's a bump and run.
And I think that's a big thing about it. I think when you meet people in their York, you'd meet at a bar restaurant. Totally. And I think that's a bump and run. And I think that's a big thing about it.
I think when you meet people in their homes, when you meet people in their genuine natural
habitats and environments, I feel like you get an opportunity to really see them.
And they feel exposed in a genuine natural, vulnerable way to you as well.
Yeah.
That's part of the reason why I like doing the podcast at my house.
Yeah.
I like having people over and I have this theory that each person that arrives and spends
time here deposits this place with their wisdom and their appropriation. And it just elevates,
you know, the whole experience of living here. That's beautiful. It's like, it's like a deposit.
You must be very careful about who you allow it. I'm glad that I snuck in.
This is, I try to, you know,
I try to be mindful of that.
Yeah, I've been holding onto your crystals ever since
to make sure I don't, you know.
So when I take a 10,000 foot view
of who you are and what you do,
it seems to me that your gift or your real facility
is this ability,
this facility for taking Agile's wisdom, these spiritual precepts, these philosophical
tenets and ideas, and translating them in an entertaining way and a digestible way for a very
broad mainstream and perhaps young audience.
Is that fair?
Sounds good to me.
Yeah, no, there's a statement by Albert Einstein
which kind of underpins all my work.
And if you can't explain something simply,
you don't understand it well enough.
And when I was exposed to devators
and all these spiritual texts that some of them
date 5,000 years back.
I was reading them and I was like, there is magic in these texts.
Like, there is so much energy in these texts.
There's so much weight and gravitas and there's so much power, but guess what?
Most people will never be able to experience it because it's in another language.
And when I say another language, I don't just mean Sanskrit or Hindi or Chinese.
I mean, mean another language
of it's speaking to a different age. And there's beauty in that, and I love that. And I
appreciate that, but I could see that I wanted to try and see if I could explain these things
to people that I grew up with. And I was always connecting with the person who grew up in London,
you know, I'm a born and raised in London, I grew up liking anything and average Londoner
is into. But I got so fascinated because of the way the philosophy was presented to me.
And I felt a responsibility to want to do that for others. So yeah, I think that's a pretty
good breakdown in 10,000 foot view. And I appreciate you saying that because that's what fascinates
me. That's where I get my buzz from is, how do I read, study, and learn
so that I can share support and serve?
And that's where I get my meeting from.
Yeah, I mean, crystallizing these texts
down to these kernels of wisdom
or teachable moments is no small thing.
I mean, if you read the Bhagavad Gita,
I mean, it takes a prodigious mind
to just keep track of all the characters. Like, these stories are insane, you know?
So it's like, all right, you know, Arjuna is doing this and, you know, so and so's over there.
Do it spirit, you know, killing these people and what's the lesson that I'm supposed to get up to?
So I left to send you when I studied it, I made a family tree.
So I literally had to physically, for anyone who doesn't know what we're talking about, we're talking about the Bhagavad Gita, which is part of the Mahabharata.
And there are a million characters. And I remember having to not million literally, but I remember
having to literally piece together the family tree because I was the same. I couldn't.
And the messages are so profound and so powerful. And, you know, yeah, it's a blessing to be
even, be able to be exposed to them,
let alone trying to share them.
Well, let's take it back.
Tell me about what it was like
being a kid growing up in London.
North London?
Yeah, North London.
So I grew up in the most common place that people would know
is a place called Tottenham, more specifically.
Yeah, North London for anyone who doesn't know.
And I grew up as a, I was, I was a very obedient kid growing up,
especially in my up to 14 years old.
I was very, I would say I worked very hard at school.
I was a good son.
I followed the rules.
I was very overweight at that time as well.
So I got bullied a lot.
So I was bullied for my weight.
I was probably one of the few Indian kids at school.
So I was bullied for being Indian. And parents first generation.
Yes, yeah.
And I just was very fortunate because,
I guess it was a mixture of love at home,
but also resilience.
I never really felt that affected by any of it.
I just, I kind of accepted it as normal.
I didn't see myself as different.
I was just like, oh, this is just what kids must go through.
And I kind of got it.
And then at 14, it kind of switched, where I was like, well, this is just what kids must go through. And I kind of got it. And then at 14, it kind of switched,
where I was like, well, being good doesn't work.
Like it doesn't add up to anything.
I'm not happy.
It doesn't make me more successful.
I still experience racism and bullying.
So I might as well be a jerk.
And I don't mean to be a jerk as a bad person to people.
I meant like, I might as well not follow the rules.
I might as well experiment with everything else, whether
it was getting drunk or whether it was, you know, experimenting with smoking or weed or whatever
it was at the time and just feeling like I wanted a thrill and an experience in life and
that being good didn't stack up to what I was told. I was told if you were good that you'd
be successful in things with work and I didn't feel that. So I kind of like.
You have a conscious memory
of making that decision. What's that? Meaning at some point when you were 14 thinking like I'm
going to change tack here. I don't know. That's a good question. I don't know if it was conscious in
the sense I was like, oh, this is not working. Let me try this. It wasn't like that in hindsight,
I can see my reasoning behind why because people of like I've always considered myself to be a well-intentioned, good person.
Like, that's why I'm at the heart and the core of it.
I could never hurt anyone.
It's not who I am.
And so, it was weird when I got involved in the wrong circles
and I started doing things I can never imagine
and I became the opposite.
And when I reflect on that, that's what I feel is the reason.
So, no, I don't think it was a conscious decision at the time.
But when I reflect on it in hindsight, it was very clear to me that that was the reason that
brought it out. Right. So you're getting into a little bit of trouble, but not too much trouble.
You're still, you know, are you the eldest son? I'm the eldest son of the young sisters.
You're an office, certain mantle that you have to carry. Yeah, exactly.
At a certain level of expectation and, you know, academic prowess that you have to carry. Yeah, exactly. At a certain level of expectation and academic prowess
that you have to demonstrate to your parents
to remaining good stead.
Yeah, and I didn't good at that because my parents,
you know, any parents are generally like,
if you do well in school, that's all that matters.
And so I kind of took that too literally.
I was like, okay, as long as I'm doing well in school,
I can do anything I want.
So I was performing well in school,
but I started to really, when I was 14, really diving
into what I was fascinated by.
And I found that there were three subjects that really took my attention.
So it was economics, art and design and philosophy.
And those became my three favorite subjects of school.
And it was very different to what my parents wanted or what I thought at primary school,
where the maths and sciences were more stressed. But I started to see that I was connecting. I talked to my art teacher
for hours about different art that we would, you know, dissect together and think about
why the artist had juxtaposed those two items like that and the meaning behind certain brushes
and strokes. And I loved like breaking something down philosophically and I really owe my art teacher a lot for that
because he made me gain that taste for questioning
why things were the way they were
rather than just accepting them at face value.
Yeah, but that seed kind of was under-terminated.
It seems like finance originally kind of won out
in that race war.
I would say that I thought that I would go off
and do graphic design or marketing at university
or I really was about to apply,
I remember Central St. Martin's,
which is an incredible art school in London.
And I remember, it's funny you say that
because I remember applying and then my art teacher,
I think messaging me or saying to me
at the time however we did at that time,
I couldn't even remember,
but I guess emailing me and saying, oh, you sold out.
And just like calling me out on it. And it was just my, it was just my young Indian mind in
London of just feeling that there were a finite number of options. And that I didn't really even,
I didn't even know that there were other careers like genuinely like I if you asked me then like
what careers existed in the world I literally could only think of medicine, law and finance
like I didn't even know that anyone did anything beyond that or that anything beyond that was even
available and so for me I was like okay well can't do the first two so I'm going to end up doing
this one and so it wasn't that it won from the heart, it's that it won from a
safety, security, stability, reliability platform. And the reason why this is so important to talk
about is I think today people look at me or may perceive my work if they're aware to be
quite risk-taking. I think I'm very different now, but there was a time in my life where I made
decisions based on feeling I wanted a secure future and a stable future.
Right.
Medicine, law, or failure.
Yeah, yeah, exactly.
Yeah, yeah.
So I have three options going up.
What about engineering?
That seems to have.
Now we're going to pass the test.
Yeah, but I wasn't, no, but I wasn't, I think that's very India centric.
Uh-huh.
But like British Indians, I feel a, uh, not as good as Indian people. So you don't find it, I don't know, maybe, maybe it's just me, but, I feel, and not as good as Indian
people. You don't find it, I don't know, maybe, maybe it's just me. But yeah, no, it's just,
I was always, I never, I realized very, very early on that I didn't engage with the same
things as the people around me. And I couldn't even force myself. My intuition was so strong,
and I didn't know it was called intuition at that time.
But I knew that it was so strong, it was dragging me towards art and design and philosophy
and all of this kind of stuff.
But you're a social animal.
I suspect that you had lots of friends and ran in popular circles.
I did in my teens, but not up to my teens.
And even in, yeah, I did in my teens, but I felt that, I felt at that time that,
you know, you're just finding yourself, like when you're in your teens, you don't know who
you are, you don't know where you stand for, you don't know where your values are. And
everyone at that time, I mean, I went to a school where majority of people were probably
smarter and smarter than me, that, you know, super smart kids in my school and really accomplished
and getting the best grades and, you know,
best resumes and all of that kind of stuff. So you never really, it was good. It was very humbling
being in my school. You got a very every year. They would literally, we'd get a report which would
rank you in every subject one to 180. So we had 180 students in my year. And for every subject. And you would get it sent to your parents to you and you get a number one to 180. So we had 180 students in my year. And for every subject, and you'd get it sent to your parents to you, and you get a number
one to 180. So you can know when you're at 144, and there was some subjects where I was
at 144. That's some true serum. It was so bad. But it was, you know, it was, but the
good thing about it was very early on, my school was able to show us what our strengths
were and what wasn't. And now when I look back at it and hide something like, on, my school was able to show us what our strengths were and what wasn't.
And now when I look back at it and hide something,
like wow, my school really pointed out to me,
what I was gonna be successful in,
what I wasn't to the point that my school didn't allow us
to take certain subjects.
Later on between ages 16 and age.
Sure, done with that.
Yeah. That's not gonna work for you.
Yeah, literally, that's, you would go into this room
with your parents and the teacher would sit you down and they'd be like, yeah, we don't think Jay can take chemistry.
I was literally as well as that.
Wow.
And I'd be so scared of those meetings because you'd be scared of how your parents are going
to react.
So you got a university and you studied business.
Yeah, I studied management science and I focused on behavioral science.
So all of my thesis and my dissertations and all of that, I was focused on analyzing
behavior and that's kind of what I got fascinated.
So walk me up to this pivotal monk moment.
Yeah, I think, you know, I've talked about it before and this is a great conversation
already because I'm telling you stuff I've never said before, which I always love.
So, you know, I mean, this is really fun for me right now.
And I want to approach this as well.
I'm always, whenever I tell this,
I'm always trying to relive it.
Well, it's this thing, you know,
all inter-apologies from a rep,
but when you're in the process of telling
and retelling your story time and time again,
what I always, I'm always sitting here thinking
when I'm doing it myself thinking,
because I'm just repeating,
because I have like, you know, I know the thing
and I know what to say and I think,
is that really what happened?
Like, let me really be honest with myself.
Did this happen differently,
or is my memory playing tricks on me
and telling me that something happened
because I've just repeated it so many times
and always kind of like using that as a reference point?
Absolutely, me too.
And I'm always trying, what I find is I know point. Absolutely, me too. And I'm always trying to, what I find is,
I know, and I've asked myself that question as well,
and I know that I'm telling what happened,
but I'm always trying to discover a new truth about it.
So whenever I'm telling, I'm like,
what can I discover this time about?
Well, let me ask you a little bit of this way,
that I go for it.
Basically, as the story goes,
you develop a proclivity
for seeking out interesting people to go here talk,
business people, sports figures, et cetera.
And suddenly there was this monk who was gonna be speaking,
you were initially not interested in hearing
what that person had to say.
And you agreed with your friends to attend
only on the assumption that you guys would go to a bar afterwards.
That is the story. That is the story. That is the story.
So let me ask you this, let's talk about where that resistance came from.
The resistance just came from, I think, this skeptical version of me that didn't really believe
there was anything beyond success.
That's partly why I called the book Think Like A Monk because I think a lot of people
look at them like, why would I want to think like a monk?
But that's the point.
I'm trying to break through that barrier of, I think so many of us have been conditioned
to believe that success looks a certain way.
And that happiness looks a certain way.
And that joy looks a certain way.
And I was one of those people that was very skeptical
about anything else outside of my space.
Like if someone wasn't pulling up in their fast car,
or if someone wasn't pulling up in the best clothes,
did I give them the time to really share their perspective?
And I love the fact that the best moment of my life,
that moment, up till that point, was also the most
humiliating moment of my life for myself, because I was being humiliated to myself.
Like, it was so humbling to walk out and then be like, ah, you had it all wrong.
And so I loved that.
I really celebrate the humbling that that moment gave me.
And it's exactly that that when you hear someone speak and they speak about
things that you never knew you were interested in, you never thought that you'd be fascinated
by someone talking about service. But when he spoke about service, he just penetrated
my soul and it just spoke so deep to my core in a way that nothing ever has that I could
hear about someone talking about making a billion dollars and it wouldn't feel the same way.
What was it that he said specifically?
He was quoting another writer and he mentioned this phrase, he said, plant trees under who
shade you do not plan to sit.
He said that the best use of your talents and skills is not to use it to become rich, famous
and successful, but to use it in the service of others.
When he said that, I was like, wow,
that's a pretty bold statement.
And I think for me it was partly my openness just came
because, and I've said this before,
but I'll repeat it because it really hit me.
It's like, when I was 18, I'd met people who were beautiful.
I'd met people who were rich.
I'd met people who were strong.
I'd met people who were powerful.
But I don't think I'd ever met anyone who was truly happy.
And he looked and I still know him, he's really happy.
What's his name?
Garanga Das.
So he's just like this big joyful,
anytime I spend time with him.
And he has a crazy schedule,
the way he lives and how powerful,
he went to IIT,
into the Indian Institute of Technology.
He's super smart.
One of the smartest people in his year
very accomplished.
And he gave it all up.
And I was like, either he's really smart
or he's really crazy.
And I wanted to find out.
And I think that's all I had is that
I was like, he must be on to something
because if he had it all lined up,
but he gave it up and he's really happy.
What is it, right? That's kind of where the curiosity is.
Yeah, I mean, it sounds more like confusion. I don't understand. I need to square this equation.
Yeah, yeah. Partly confusion, but partly with security in the sense of just like,
he must be really smart. He must be really crazy. Like if he's smart, he's onto something. Like how did he gain so much joy, satisfaction,
and contentment in not chasing the dream that everyone around him was chasing?
And that society is constantly sort of pushing us towards him.
Absolutely. Absolutely. And I was fascinated.
What was his or he's still alive, right?
Yeah, he's still like, what is his particular genus of spirituality?
Like what tradition?
So he's a Hindu monk.
He's a Hindu monk.
And he's what I would consider,
I in the book I break down and think like a monk,
I break down Dharma and purpose and calling.
So he would probably sit under the leader type of individual. He's very
ambitious, very focused. He can get a lot done. He's a powerhouse to be around. At the same time,
he works at about 2 a.m. to meditate every day. Takes care of his health. He's just, he's one of
these like all rounder types of people who's just, yeah, really good at taking care of his mind,
body and spirit. But at the same time, he really wants to do something for the world. He has that energy. There is something about certain individuals, I'm reluctant to say
the word enlightened, but people who are carrying a higher level of consciousness that when you're
in their presence, it's undeniable. Like, you can't reduce it to words, but there is a sensation of what it feels like to be in that person's presence.
100% and he introduced me to his spiritual teachers.
He's also one of my spiritual teachers, Radhanath Swami, who's been among for 40 years now.
He's in England or in India.
He's older as well.
I feel like that one with him every time. Like, it's just, yeah, it's that undeniable presence.
And I always say to people, you need to, you need to feel it to believe it. Like, you need
to be there. You can't, like you said, you can't produce it to words. And yeah, I feel that now,
when, even when I go to temples, when I was in South India, particularly, and your home reminds me
a lot of South India, because there's a lot of these stone statues.
Well, the mountain out there, we had some proper swami here. We've had lots of swamis.
We're here over the years. And one of them looked out at the mountain across the way and he said,
this feels like my home. And his home is a runachala. Oh yeah. Arunachala. Yeah, absolutely.
Which is a very kind of like powerful spiritual vortex.
Absolutely.
And vortex is the right word.
So when I went to South India, it's a city with these powerful gates.
So if you look at South Indian architecture, it's like these, and you've got a lot of
in your home, but it's like this incredible kind of like, almost like Avengers Marvel meets
spiritual culture kind of like spaceship,
kind of these doors and gates.
And it's, you know,
the temples, they're like 5,000 years old.
And when you walk through those corridors,
there's one that literally feels like
you're going to walk through it
and be transported to another dimension
because the way the pillars are built,
and this is built a thousand years.
Yeah, it's like Star Trek.
Yeah, literally, yeah, yeah, exactly. It's just, yeah, super, what's it? What's it? What's it? What's
it? What's it? What's it? What's it? What's it? What's it? What's it? What's it? What's it? What's it? What's it? What's it? What's it? What's it? What's it? What's it? What's it? What's it? What's it? What's it? What's it? What's it? What's it? What's it? What's it? What's it? What's it? What's it? What's it? What's it? What's it? What's it? What's it? What's it? What's it? What's it? What's it? What's it? What's it? What's it? What's it? What's it? What's it? What's it? What's it? What's it? What's it? What's it? What's it? What's it? What's it? What's it? What's it? What's it? What's it? What's it? What's it? What's it? What's it? What's it? What's it? What's it? What's it? What's it? What's it? What's it? What's it? What's it? What's it? What's it? What's it? What's it? What's it? What's it? What's it? What's it? What's it? What's it? What's it? What's it? What's it? What's it? What's it? What's it? What's it? What's it? What's it? What's it? What's it? What's it? What's it? What's it? What's it? What's it? What's it? What's it? What's it? What's and I think anyone who has, whether they have a faith or not, and that's really what's important to me is,
how do we share these teachings in a way that it's not bound by faith
or religion or spiritual tradition?
Even for me, this book isn't about becoming a spiritual tradition
or a particular philosophy.
It's about living like you and thinking like a monk, right?
Like that's the balance.
Yeah, I mean, two things.
There's two powerful precepts here.
One is you can't transmit something you haven't got.
Like when you're in the presence of somebody like that,
you know it.
And there are a lot of pretenders to that type of vibration,
but it's pretty transparent.
Like who's really caring, that kind of wisdom
and who's pretending to.
And second to that is this idea that you really fully embrace,
which is meeting people where they're at.
Like if you show up in robes and you're framing your
presentation in a way that creates a distance between you
and the person you're trying to communicate,
then you're already basically behind home plate
in terms of like trying to connect or transmit something.
Yeah, and there's two things you brought about there which I think are really interesting.
The first is, it's all about the frequency you're operating at.
So if someone is fooling you or pretending or trying to be something,
if you're operating at lower frequency, you may follow for a while and you may not know. But when you start
up in your frequency, that's when you can really see that, oh, right, now I can see the
difference. And it's not in a judgmental way or a critical way. It's just frequencies.
And at the second point, you're making there around, you know, really, really speaking
to people about where they're out or meeting them, where they're at and connecting with
them. For me, it's just, I think compassion is not expecting people
to be more advanced than they are.
And that's what people have done with me.
I mean, when I went to the Ashram
and when I spit out with these monks,
I mean, I am in no way.
And even now, I'm not.
I mean, their compassion even has spent time with me now.
And I feel like when you've experienced that level of compassion where people
see you, they look through your soul, they watch you and they just think, they
can see everything about you that you don't like about yourself.
And they will still find that spark of potential and the spark that makes them
believe that we should invest and serve and help this human being.
And for me, when you've experienced that level of compassion,
even if you are still dealing with stuff yourself, you want to pass it on. And so when I see anyone at any level, I don't judge anyone because, hey, I've been there before. Hey, I'm still there
kind of in some ways. And I know how hard it is to get out of that mess. And so how can I judge
someone just because there are three steps behind. Yeah. So you have this experience with this bonk.
Yeah.
Apparently everything changes.
Yeah.
So how does it change?
Well, my lifestyle, and I've talked about this before, like my personal lifestyle style
is the same.
I was still dating.
I was still, I'd given up alcohol by that time and they had given up, like, you know,
drugs and stuff.
So I wasn't really playing. And I was always very experimental. I've never been an addict or a regular consumer of anything.
I've just been an experiment to my whole life. But for me, it was my, yeah, I was still
dating. I was still doing everything that anyone ever did. There was nothing changed
in that, but I was not mentally curious and checking it out. So I spent the next four years, half of them in my summer vacation's interning financial
companies in London, where I thought I would end up working just because my university
recommended that.
And the other half of my breaks, I'd spend them living in India with the monks to experience
that lifestyle.
So I would literally go as I explain it from state houses, bars and suits to robes, sleep
on the floor and meditate every day.
Right.
So was that this monk's teacher's ashram?
Yes.
Yeah, exactly.
So it's like, no, it's two hours outside of Mumbai.
Uh-huh.
So it's in the middle of nowhere, but it's, yeah, about two hours outside of Mumbai.
Yeah.
And were there other Westerners there?
Yeah.
Yeah, plenty.
Yeah, plenty of visitors from all over the world, people from Australia, people from Europe,
people from London, and yeah,
they definitely have a lot of visitors, even to the US.
Uh-huh.
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A good way to learn about a place
is to talk to the people that live there.
There's just this sexy vibe
and Montreal, this pulse, this energy.
What was meant as seen as a very snotty city,
people call it Bose-Angelists. New Orleans is seen as a very snotty city. People call it Bosedangeless.
New Orleans is a town that never forgets its pay.
A great way to get to know a place
is to get invited to a dinner party.
Hi, I'm Brendan Francis Newdum,
and not lost as my new travel podcast,
where a friend and I go places, see the sights,
and try to finagle our way into a dinner party.
Where kind of trying to get invited to a dinner party.
It doesn't always work out.
I would love that, but I have like a Chihuahua
who is aggressive towards strangers.
I love the dogs.
We learn about the places we're visiting, yes,
but we also learn about ourselves.
I don't spend as much time thinking
about how I'm gonna die alone when I'm traveling,
but I get to travel with someone I love.
Oh, see, I love you too.
And also, we get to eat as much as we can. And. Oh, see, I love you too. And also, we get to eat as much.
It's very sincere.
I love you too.
My life's a lot of therapy goes behind that.
You're so white, I love it.
Listen to not lost on the iHeart radio app
or wherever you get your podcasts.
So initially, it was a couple years of half the summer.
Yeah, it wasn't long.
I'd go there for like two weeks, three weeks, four weeks.
Like, I would go there for sure, best of time. And just experiencing, just wasn't long. I'd go there for like two weeks, three weeks, four weeks. I'd go there for short bursts of time and just experiencing, just live like them and live with them.
And for me, and I didn't know this, I'm again in hindsight, it was me really getting to live
both options of life. Like I was getting to live in the city, I was getting to wear a fancy suit
to work every day and get to perform well in the workplace and
go through all of whatever that is, networking and meeting people. And then I would get to do that. And I just got so much more satisfaction from, I felt satisfaction from the service we did.
I felt satisfaction from the meditations. And if I'm completely honest, the biggest thing that
that got me at that time was I didn't have to think that ego and humility and vulnerability and
empathy and compassion.
These weren't just going to be concepts anymore.
These were going to be real practices.
Or weaknesses.
Yeah, weaknesses.
These could become focuses that I could really wrap my head around them because when I was
back in the city and I was trying to perform and I was trying to show my boss who was the
best and who was performing well, it was hard to maintain that level of gravity because not because it's impossible,
because it's not.
That's what I lay out and that's what I'm trying to teach right now.
It was harder because I hadn't had that training.
And so now that I've come out of the actual, I feel like my monk training has allowed me
to continue to practice those principles in the real world.
Where is it at that time?
I was just an 18 year old kid who was still conditioned by everything else.
I suppose the distinction, it's one thing to make a decision after you'd lived as a monk
during that like three year period, making this hard line decision, okay, I'm going back
into the world.
But when you kind of have one foot in both worlds, I suspect that it probably became progressively
more difficult to relate or connect with your friends back in London.
Yeah, I was, you know, I was very open with the closest friends. I remember one of my friends
saying to me, like, oh, well, you know, we would always talk about women together, right?
We would always talk about girls, like which girls we liked and who he was dating
and all this kind of stuff.
And all of a sudden, I had to come back from being a monk,
I'd have a monk moment and, you know,
try and like, resist the urge to just talk about women
in that way and the way it can be done.
And my friend would just be like,
what, so we're not, what are we gonna talk about?
You know, it's just like confused,
like, where's this life going?
And other parts of other
parts and having to say, and I want to give credit to my friends too, some of my other friends
were just really intrigued. And so they actually wanted to learn. And so I ran a society at university
called Think Out Loud. And every week I would present a topic based on philosophy, science,
and psychology. So I would take a movie, I would dissect the
characters, I would watch half the movie together, and then we'd break down the roles, and I would
talk about philosophy, science, and spirituality, and psychology to students. And when I started it,
we had like 10 students, about the time we finished university, had 100 students coming every week,
and it was totally free. There was no catch, there was no followers, there was nothing, it was just
this beautiful experience, and that's kind of where I got into the habit of everything I learned as a monk, I would teach it.
So if I was learning about karma, I would teach it that week. If I went that summer and I learned about ego, I would talk about ego.
And so I just started sharing what I was learning because I found that to be the best way of letting people connect.
And that's kind of where I got fascinated with this whole thing.
So this whole trajectory gets planted then.
Like you're starting to teach and share even before you go off and be a full-time mom.
Way before.
And that experience of reviewing movies and discussing it really is...
I mean, that's the germination for these videos that you do now.
100%.
Like that really was the beginning.
And that was when I was 18 years old, so 14 years ago now, and I just love putting on a session every week. And then
I got invited to other universities. So I go to the London School of Economics and
present. I go to this other university. And I was just loving the fact that I was finding
so many young people in London that wanted this over anything else. Like that's what I was
impressed by the most. That there wasn't need. And that convinced me
very early on that if presented effectively, there wasn't community for this and people really were
searching. It's very similar to Andy puttacombs. And he's awesome. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, he's the only
other person who's had like 10 years right now. But him coming back from that experience and returning to London and then kind of hosting
these salons, he meets Rich and then they start kind of, you know, basically doing informal
get-togethers that then, you know, become and grow into headspace.
But the idea started in a similar way to kind of what you're talking about.
Yeah, exactly.
And this was, I actually remember, I told Andy this.
I said to him that the year I first found out about headspace is the year I became a monk.
And I told him this.
I was so impressed by what he was doing.
And I said to him, if I would have had the money, I would have invested, but I had no money.
I said this, Andy, he's been on my podcast and we've done a few panels together.
But yeah, he's amazing.
I love Andy.
And I said that to him.
I was so impressed by what they did because I was just starting that journey
and I saw what he'd done.
I was like, wow, that's fascinating.
It's so great to see that.
But yeah, I think the reason why I'm sharing this too
with you, Rich, is I've been doing this online
for like three to four years.
But in my life, I've been doing this for 14 years.
I've literally done this every single day of my life
for the last 14 years in some way, shape, or form,
whether it's reading, studying, or teaching, or sharing.
And so, for me, it's become my life.
And when I left being a monk,
I didn't want to not do that anymore.
And what I get to do now is what brought me back to that,
to be able to learn, study, teach, share,
and live in that element which I feel so much connected to.
Yeah, and meet people where they are. Yeah, that's always been my thing because I've been,
you know, I've been plucked out, like, you know, it's when you've been drowning in an ocean of
material thought, and someone had the compassion and empathy to reach down and grab you,
you feel like you want to do the same thing.
And that's just my meditation constantly. You know, you don't, you can't ever go back from that,
the amount of gratitude I have for the people that have invested in me and that opened up my eyes.
I was 18 years old. I would have gone down the path of becoming. And I probably, if I had it my way,
I probably would have wanted to become an art director at a massive company.
I probably would have done pretty well for myself.
I would have traveled the world and wasted my life.
Like that's, I always think about that moment
of sliding doors.
What could it be?
Right.
And that's what I would have been,
but because I met these incredibly powerful people
who wanted nothing from me, but just to give,
it changed my life.
And that's the opportunity I want.
And for people, it may not be a monk.
But when you think like a monk, you recognize that,
actually, am I exposing myself to as many alternative methods
of thought?
Am I really allowing myself to experience everything
the world has to offer?
Because if I'm not, I'm already limiting myself in a world
that's actually unlimited.
And that's the challenge I see is that we are
living at a time when you have the most choice available, you have the most experiences available,
but we still put ourselves in these prisons. Not only that, those prisons are one of self-seeking.
I mean, you mentioned giving. I mean, giving is, you know, service is the cornerstone of this whole
thing, being in selfless service to others, which is just counterprogramming to the way our entire infrastructure of Western civilization is constructed.
Yes, absolutely.
A complete counterprogramming.
I remember when I was giving a talk, this was probably about four years ago, and I was
speaking to a group of executives, and one of them came up to me afterwards, and he said,
how old were you when you became one?
I was like 22, and he said, when did were you when you became one? And I was like 22 and he said,
when did you get the realization
that life was about selfless service?
And I said, well, I'm still getting there.
I'm not there yet.
But the first time I fell in love with that idea, I was 18.
He goes, the first time I realized that life was beyond me,
I was 42 years old when my child was growing up.
And he goes, that was the first time I realized
that life was not just about me.
And I was thinking, wow, to me, it was, to me, it's weird
because I got exposed to it at 18.
And I couldn't believe that someone didn't understand
that even today, the reason why we're all repeating messages
and continue to, I think, remind people of these messages.
And even ourselves is because you could hear
that life is about service a million times,
but until you practice it and until you really mold it into every area of your life,
this podcast is your service.
I think we think of service also very limited.
We think service means to go and help a charity.
Right, or being at the soup catch on our side.
Correct, and that is beautiful and people should do it.
It's wonderful and I think we should all do it.
I try and do as much as I can, but services also serving through your calling, your talents, your skills, your purpose,
that benefits other people. And it can be different. Like, you know, yeah, so yeah, there's so many
methods. Well, the ultimate is when you can find that thing that lights you up and channel that in a
way to give back to others
and also support yourself and your family
in doing it.
I mean, that's the secret.
That's what this does for me.
And I just feel like the luckiest person in the world
to live in this time where this is possible
and to have kind of stumbled into this.
Yeah, for sure.
There's a beautiful story that I share
that you've reminded me of now.
And it's the story of two monks that are washing their balls.
And while they're washing their balls, they see one of the monks sees a scorpion drowning.
And so he helps the scorpion out of the water and puts it onto the side.
And in that process, he gets stung by the scorpion.
And the other monk says, what are you doing?
Like, you know, this stupid, he said, don't worry about it. Don't worry about it.
The scorpion falls in again to the water.
The monk picks it up again, gets stung in the process
and puts it onto the side.
So the other monk's just like, okay, now you're just being ridiculous.
Like, what are you doing?
He said, why are you saving the scorpion
when you know that it's nature is to sting?
And the monk replies, goes, I know that the scorpion's nature
is to sting, but my nature is to save.
And so he understood how hard wired
his service mindset was that he was willing to go through the pain to act in that way. So
what I'm trying to share with that story is that we're all wired to serve
naturally as children, as kids, as people, as humans, but we've been educated for greed.
And you see this, there's countless viral videos of kids who like walk up to their television
screen and wipe the cartoon characters tears off with their tissues or like kids like running
to help the person next to them.
And we were all once that person, but it's just the education that we get and I'm not just
too much school, I'm just staying generally the education of becoming self-centered.
And whether you look it from a scientific point of view, the studies that have been done,
when people help people, their depression goes down, the mental health goes up.
When people help people, they're able to feel more joy and experience more happiness in their
lives. Like we are happier when we serve and help people. And that I think has been so lost that if someone genuinely asks
him, so because I think everyone hearing that will say, oh yeah, but I like to help people. I try.
If you really did an audit of how much time you spend every week genuinely helping someone
who is giving you no help or is genuinely helping someone who does nothing back for you,
I'd find that we'd say a very very little amount of time.
Yeah, the key is doing it when it's not convenient. Correct.
Exactly. That's the best way to say it. Yeah, exactly.
Yeah, it's tough. I mean, listen, you know, you hit it on the head. I mean, it's not, it's not just school. It's like biosmosis.
It's like, I hear what you're saying, Jay, that's great,
but like, I gotta get mine, dude.
Yeah.
Times the clock's ticking and time's running out
and I got my hustle on.
Yeah.
So, you want my response to that?
Sure.
Yeah, my response to that is, that mentality will get you the thing
and it will get you the number and it will get you the money in the bank.
But you won't feel satisfied and that's my hypothesis so go test it and I would gladly let anyone test that.
And I guarantee you that's how you feel.
What happens though is you get it you have that experience of momentary elation quickly fades the half-life on that is very short. And then you think, your next thought isn't,
I need a new path, your next thought is,
well, when I get that next thing,
that's where we're gonna lock in.
Absolutely, it's the hapster wheel, right?
It's the conveyor belt.
And that's the treadmill, that's the challenge with that.
And I think that's where we have to learn
from people who have got there and feel that way.
I think we have to, it's like, you there and feel that way. I think we have to.
It's like, you know, when you hear Jim Carrey say like, everyone should get everything they
want and become everything they ever wanted, just to realize it's not the point.
When you see everyone who gets to the peak of financial or fame or beauty success, they
then try and serve.
Like, that's just what everyone ends up having to do.
Well, we're in the world capital of that right here.
Yeah.
Absolutely.
Los Angeles.
And you see it, like, you know, I can't remember who said this, but, you know, it's
talked about like your success.
I can't remember who said it, but your success is based on the depth of the problem you
solve, right?
And it's like, if you look at any success, even if it's Jeff Bezos and Amazon,
someone goes, I wanna be Jeff Bezos.
Jeff has solved, not that I know him,
but Jeff has solved an issue that people had.
So it's still service.
And I think that's what we miss.
That anyone who's winning even financially,
whether we agree with their business model or not,
they are performing some type of service to people.
And because he's serving more people
with an issue that they have,
he's able to make more money.
So even from a totally financial perspective,
service still wins.
Like there's no, you know, there's no take away.
Right, I get that.
It's a more, it's just an expansive definition of service.
Correct, correct.
But it's still service ultimately is solving a problem
that really is a core need in people's lives.
And I think that could be a starting point for someone
if they're still like Jay, I don't got it.
I'm still, I'm just trying to meet people where they're at.
I'm with you.
All right, so you make this decision to go be
a month full time.
You live in the Sashram for three years.
Yes.
And we traveled a lot too.
So we lived in Sashrams across London, Mumbai and Europe as well.
Oh, wow.
Yeah.
And I think similarly Andy was in he went to the rush.
He was in Russia and Scotland.
Yeah.
He told me about the Scotland turn.
Yeah.
So walk me through like a typical day in the life of that experience.
Yeah.
So you wake up at 4 a.m. every day no matter where you are.
And 430 is collective prayers and meditation.
So 430 to about 515, then 515 to 730 is personal meditation time.
So that's personal meditation practice.
Often in a communal space with other people, I can be private too.
And then 730 to 830 is a class. So a class on
philosophy from the Bhagad Gita or the Shuman Bhagatam or one of these spiritual texts
of Pani Shads, Paranas, and so that'd be an hour class given by one of the senior monks or
senior teachers usually. One of my favorite things to look forward to in the day because
that's, I was like kind of like, as always waiting for that, because the classes were just so powerful
and hearing people have studied all the commentaries
in the books, and then 830's breakfast.
Breakfast is usually in India would be
some kind of Indian dish kind of similar to,
I don't know how to describe it.
It's called flat rice,
and that's the easiest way to describe it.
So some simple food.
And then from then on,
it would be different every day.
So the way it
was split up is the morning was about yourself. And the afternoon and evening were about service.
And that's where I fell in love with this routine of self and service. And I think today, now the
world's coming a lot back to self love. And I feel like that's where we got to experience both
very clearly. When you spend half your day taking care of yourself, you spend the other half serving,
you get this beautiful synergy between the two.
So for the rest of the day, we'd be out feeding children.
We'd be out building the sustainable villids that we were out.
We'd be out teaching.
We'd be out helping.
We'd be out doing something.
And that would change every day depending on what the need was.
Sometimes it would be chores as well, like washing your clothes.
I mean, washing monk robes are not fun at all.
They're these huge bedsheets.
And this is like seven days a week.
You get a day off where you can go, you know, do whatever you want.
You know what?
I always, I was one of those guys who wanted that day off.
I was like, I was like, if I make it a five of the four AMs,
can I skip the other?
No, you don't get to.
It doesn't work like that.
And I mean, there's a lot of reflection time in the day that you get. And you have to really work
through a lot of stuff because your ego gets in the way, your opinion starts to get in the way.
And living communally is a real experience. Like when you live communally with that many men
live communally with that many men in one place. It's like you really have to face your ego, your pride, your competitive mentality, your comparison on a daily basis. It's really tough.
Did humanity ever just percolate to the surface and dude start fistfighting?
No, I don't want to, no, I don't want to, no, I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to,
no, I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to, no, I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't, I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't, I don't want to, I don No one ever actually, the only time monk would ever get physical is our humans.
Yeah, I don't care how much you're meditating.
No, it's some point, you know.
No, it was never that bad.
The only time the monks ever got into physical
was when the special sacred food came out.
So there's sacred food that's offered
and like there's these sweets
and we didn't eat a lot of sugar or anything like that.
So whenever these sweets came out,
that these milk sweets sometimes.
And so these sweets were like the kind of like you.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I've never spent time in an ash romp,
but I've been, well, I'd like to go.
Well, we should go together.
I would like to.
I mean, I like to take you.
I would enjoy that.
I'm being serious.
I'm being deadly serious.
We should go together to be ash romp.
I go back every year. Do you? Yeah, every year. So I go back every usually December,
January, period, because the weather's good to go then for for anyone who's not from India.
Like I struggled during the hot times in India too. So that's the best time if you're visiting.
But I'd love to take you. It'd be so fun. It'd be cool. Yeah. In my experience of,
you know, sitting in meditation with various, you know, swamis over the years,
and being around, you know, various types of those kind of communities. The thing that I noticed,
like the humanity that I see in that is the institutionalization of the guru, right? And then
it becomes like this pecking order
of who's close to the higher consciousness
and there seems to be a lot of jockeying around.
Like that's where I see like the sort of character,
like the, you know, our innate humanity
percolating the surface and manifesting
and character flaws.
Yeah, for sure, that's a really good point.
And I saw that too and I feel like, I feel like
my teachers did a very good job of not trying to create, enjoy, or build that type of culture.
They tried their best. But the followers mentality is so strong. So I'll give you an example. Like, so whenever I was with one of my teachers,
if we traveled together, and you have to put yourself
in the mindset of, I'm a very junior monk
and spiritually very junior too.
So I'm like right at the bottom of the pile, right?
And it's like, when I would travel
with the senior-mose teacher, there was a respect
in where we pay physical respects,
as you've probably seen before, when people pay physically
bow on the floor to show respect to teachers to et cetera.
And he, at 70 years old, there was never a day behind closed doors
when no one else was watching that he wouldn't get back
and pay those respects on the floor.
And to me, that was the moment I was like, he's real.
Because there was no one to show off to.
I was not senior that I deserved it.
Like there was no, you know, from the point of view
of a hierarchy, even though there wasn't one.
But he would have the humility and the humanity
to recognize that if a soul or if a person is showing me
respects, then I'll show those respects back.
And I felt that at 70 years old, I'm like, 22 years old,
like a 70 year old man, that's beautiful.
Like there was some beauty in there.
And that was part of it.
And the other part was the,
and it's funny,
because we talk about this a lot,
even with the other monks and other people that about,
my teacher would never have a favorite or a number one. And he never verbalized this.
But we all knew it. And one of the senior monks, he always said to me, he said,
if you want to be the number one, you won't last very long. And he literally said that to me,
he goes, if you want to be his number one go to right hand man, all that kind of stuff,
he goes, you're not going to last long here because he said, anyone who wanted that position,
they never got it because he doesn't want it to exist.
And so you will fail.
And I remember having this conversation with him,
and he's, you know, because he's been so close to him
for so long, and he said to me, he said,
there are times, this is going with us.
He goes, there are times when I've had to be really close
to support him, and there are times when I've had to move away
and step back and let him do what he needs to do.
And it's like, he goes, it doesn't work like that.
So I think that good leaders always try and avoid creating that culture.
But our follower mentality is so strong that we want someone to worship and
idolize and we want that.
We're seeking one.
Our identity is informed by proximity
to that person. You know what I mean? Yeah. And there's two types of proximity. So I'll tell you,
you're sparking all these memories. So we're walking on this beach in South India. It's called
Setu Bund. It's a very holy place and like literally the tip of South India if you were to look at a map.
And so we're walking on this beach.
It's about 25 months in our senior teacher
and we're walking behind him
and everyone's trying to walk close to him.
And he's just walking,
he's not even talking to anyone.
He's just walking and he's doing a walking meditation
and everyone's around him.
And it was there that I had a realization.
I was like, there are two ways of being close to him.
Either I push everyone away
and try and walk through the middle, or I push everyone closer,
and be closer because everyone else is closer to. And I was like, I remember having a real
reflection point at that moment, I was like, wow, like these are the two options in life we always have.
You either get closer to people because you try and push everyone else out of the way,
or you get closer to people because you take everyone with you. And I was like, I'm going to try
to do that second one for the rest of my life. If I want to be close to someone, I'm going to take
everyone close to that person. I'm never going to be that guy who's trying to, and that's my hope,
you know, that's my meditation. Yeah, that requires that you dispense with the zero-sum game mentality.
Explain it. Meaning that your success can only come at the expense of others.
Right. As opposed to the universe is infinitely abundant. Yes. And there's room for everybody here.
Yeah. Yeah. A non-fier based perspective. Yeah. In things like a monk, I call it,
there are an infinite number of seats in the theater of happiness. So we in our minds have started to believe that
every we think now if you're booking a cinema theatre or movie theatre there's a finite number of
seats you've got to get tickets to the Olympics there's a finite number of seats there's tickets to the
Coachella whatever it is it's like there's a finite number of seats and so that finite finite finite
finite finite has been drilled so deeply into us. But there are infinite number of seats, and there's a seat with your name on it in the
theater of happiness.
And just because I'm already in there, doesn't mean you can't be in there.
Just because you're in there, doesn't mean I can't be in there.
And as soon as you realize that, you free yourself and realizing there is a seat with your
name on it.
And all you've got to do is claim your own seat.
And no one else can take that seat from you.
And when you start living
like that, you can collaborate, you can grow together, you can build together and you see this as
being the epitome of I was just reading Bob Iger's book. And in there he talks about how it was,
and I may get a few of the names wrong, but I think it was Steven Spielberg for sure, I was George
Lucas. I think it was Quentin Tarantino, who's saying they used to get together,
and they would critique each other's movies
before they came out.
So they'd give each other feedback.
You're talking about some of the best of all time,
like being comfortable showing their work
to their competitors.
Right.
Now, that's the point, right?
Like, I've never watched
a Quentin Tarantino film
and felt I was watching a Steven Spielberg film,
and I've never watched a Spielberg film
thinking I'm watching a George Lucas film film. And I've never watched a Spielberg film
thinking I'm watching a George Lucas film,
which just shows how incredibly creative and talented
they are, but also how much they trusted
what they were offering to the game.
And that to me is such a powerful metaphor,
and I mean, it's not even metaphor, it's literal,
of how you live in a, there are an infinite number
of seats in the theater of happiness.
On the subject of happiness, I think you would agree that we're suffering from an epidemic of loneliness and depression and people are seeking for answers in different ways of living. They're
sensing their lack of contentment with the path that they've chosen for themselves.
And you go online and somebody's telling you to find your bliss or seek out your passion.
And I think that that's, although perhaps coming from a good place is not necessarily
helpful and perhaps damaging because it leaves that person thinking,
well, I don't know what my passion is or, you know, I'm not happy, but I don't understand
the path forward to find that happiness. And I'm unsure about what steps I need to take
in order to gird my life with more purpose and to try to find more fulfillment. So with the experiences that you've had,
like how do you speak to that person or meet them
where they're at to try to get them to reframe their
perspective on how they're living?
Yeah, so I think first of all, it has to be a two-fold
approach.
And what I mean by that is there is an aspect of it
that is thinking and reflection.
And there is a part of it that is action and experimentation.
These are the two aspects of anything in our life and the biggest mistake we make is we do too much action and experimenting without reflection or we do too much reflection without action and experimentation.
So let's let's let's break them down.
So let's start with the thinking and reflective approach.
This is approach you can do on your own.
This is the approach you can do right now listening to this.
This is approach that I half of it that I lay out in think like a monk. So the first thing I asked people to reflect on is is four areas.
The first area is things that you have an expertise in but have no passion for. Make a list of three things that you have a
make a list of three things that you have a expertise in but no passion for. So for me, I give the example of Microsoft Excel and numbers.
I'm okay at it, but I don't enjoy it.
Like I don't have a passion for it, right?
So write down three things in there.
Then the next box that I want you to fill out is ask yourself,
what do I have no expertise in, but I have a deep passion for?
So for me, it's neuroscience.
I'm not an expert in neuroscience.
I couldn't perform brain surgery on anyone, and I couldn't scan anyone's brain, but I'm
super passionate about it.
I love reading about it.
I love speaking in neuroscientists.
It's something for me.
Social media used to be in that category for me once upon a time.
Social media was something I wasn't an expert in or didn't know much about, but I was passionate about learning how to communicate.
Then the third box, things that you're not no expertise and no passion. What are those things in
your life that you're like, ugh, don't like them, not good at them, right? Maybe doing your taxes,
I don't know, whatever, right? Like pretty much everything, everything else. Everything else. Yeah. And then the fourth and final box is,
what are you passionate about and what are you an expert in?
That's the box that you're trying to find.
So that box may be empty right now.
This is the thinking of.
So do that reflection exercise.
The reason why it's so important is because most of us first of all don't even
know what our expertise is and our passion is.
And now when I say passion, I'm not just saying, find your passion.
I'm saying, what do you like doing?
What do you get joy from reading about?
Even if you're watching a TV show, what is it about that TV show that keeps you captivated?
Well, when you listen to this podcast, what part about it?
Which person stands out to you?
It's you having to lead in to every part of your, it's like start with something as simple
as what's your favorite cuisine.
Most people go, I don't know what my favorite cuisine is.
Well, think about the last time you walked out of a meal, you were happy when you ordered
it, you're happy when you ate it, and you're happy the next morning.
That's probably your favorite cuisine.
Try and find those patterns in your life because all of us have a karmic pattern in our
life that we've just not zoned into.
So I'll give you another example.
Let's look at the pattern of the
best decisions you've made. If you look to the best decisions you made in the last decade,
and let's say you pick three, right? Three is a pattern for me. That's where I'm going to,
I'm making that up. It's totally my choice. It's subjective, but it's my opinion. Three
things are a pattern. Look at the three decisions you made in your life where you knew it was the
best decision when you made it. Not when you you got the best result, but you knew it even
before the result happened that you made the best decision. I guarantee you, if you reflect
on those three decisions in the last decade, you will find the same parameters, the same
environment, and the same decision-making thoughts and thought process that got you to your best decision.
So I'll give an example.
When I decided to become a monk,
I believed that was my best decision when I made it,
not because one day I'd be able to write a book about it
because I had no idea I'd even be here.
So I was going against the grain,
no one agreed with me,
and most people thought it was the worst idea.
When I left being a monk,
I was going against the grain because most monks I joined with state as monks, no one agreed with me. And
I was completely sold that I was doing the right thing for me. When I quit my safe corporate
job to do what I do now, I was going against the grain because most of my friends were happy
with their salaries. I was doing something that felt really right to me and no one agreed
with me. And so I found that that's generally the pattern
of my life, my best decisions are those three things.
Now that may not be for you,
your best decisions may be the opposite.
So that reflection is really important.
Second half, action.
Take the next month, take the next 30 days,
and every weekend plan a new activity,
workshop, seminar, course, book, podcast, to listen to,
person to shadow, person to experience with, take a Saturday and Sunday and
try it out. You've got eight things that you can now test. There are eight days,
eight weekends in a month, roughly. Test something new on each of those. Go in,
actually do something. So this is no more thinking, no more reflecting. If you want to
be a chef or you think you want to be a chef, go and do a cooking class, see how natural it was
for you, see how much fun you had doing the process. Take eight different things and try
them out. When you do both of those together, within 30 days, you could figure out what
you genuinely are passionate about as a starting point. That may change, it may evolve, but at
least you've got somewhere to start. And the biggest mistake is we're sitting there
doing a personality test trying to figure out what our passion is. Obviously, you're
not going to know.
Right. A lot of it goes back to, if you could just live in the mindset of the child within,
like what did you, what were the choices that you made when you were a kid about what you
like to spend time doing? I think that's also a good place to start. I agree.
And I think those are really powerful exercises.
The expertise piece can come later.
It's not about that at that moment.
Absolutely.
I think the more you engage with those activities
that you naturally enjoy, you're creating opportunities,
you're creating an environment in which opportunities
can come later for further explore that.
There's a difference between a lack of expertise and inexperience, right?
We think we lack expertise in something, but actually we're just inexperienced at it.
And that's the point of that second element of you don't have to be the best at something
when you start doing it, but as soon as you start doing it, you've now given yourself
that opportunity to grow.
And I think we all know this, there's always something we've all learned and become better
at it.
But if you're fascinated by it, you're probably more likely to invest more time.
And so yeah, don't, but it is also important, there may be things in your life that you
have an expertise in, but you don't have a passion in.
But then ask yourself the question, why don't I have a passionate?
Because you could add meaning to it.
Like there are so many skills that we have
that if you added a bit of meaning,
you added some purpose to it,
you added why you were doing it,
you could actually find a great use for it.
And I think a lot of us are under,
under, under estimating how powerful expertise is,
you may have strengths that are just underutilized
by your current job
But actually could be really well utilized by someone that you felt activated you
Essentially everything that you're saying are
Tools for greater self-awareness, right?
100% so when you say when I made this decision to go be a monk
I knew in my heart it was the right decision
For me, despite externality, same thing when you made the decision to leave, but you're
somebody who had spent an inordinate amount of time developing your self-awareness, you're
a very integrated person because of all the inside work that you've done to get to a place
where you not only are in tune with your instincts, you're able to rely upon them.
You know what I mean? And I think most people are so disconnected from themselves and either
lack adequate self-awareness or are just living their lives so reactively that their impulses
or their instincts are either unheard or entirely unreliable. And I think that people make
decisions and set goals for themselves
in that state that lead them terribly awry.
But intuition is a muscle that everyone can build. It really is, I really believe that.
There's a study that I mentioned in things like Among where I talk about how men and women
are asked to be alone with their thoughts for 15 minutes or give themselves an electric shock.
30% of women chose an electric shock and 60% of men chose an electric shock. 30% of women chosen electric shock
and 60% of men chosen electric shock.
Because they didn't wanna be alone
with their thoughts for 15 minutes.
Now, here's the root of all human suffering.
Yeah, now here's the thing that intuition comes
from asking yourself questions, basic questions,
simple questions, just as it would getting to know rich,
getting to know J, getting to know
J is the same process.
After I eat something, did I like that?
Did I not like it?
The next morning, did I like that?
Did I not like it?
When you ask people, what are your favorite movies?
You know how you feel when you walk outside a movie.
You don't need to do a personality test.
You don't need to do a three months away in Costa Rica.
You don't need to do that to know whether you like something
or you don't like something.
You can do a sense check with yourself
every single day after doing an activity.
And if you literally after you did anything,
anything you do, stop and just ask yourself,
did I enjoy that?
Yes or no, simple question.
So let's say I say yes.
What did you enjoy about it?
Let's have that conversation. What did I enjoy about it? Let's have that conversation.
What did I enjoy about it?
What part of it was uncomfortable,
but you still got excited about it?
These are three simple questions
that can lead you to greater self awareness.
I've done the same with every area of my life,
and you should really become like an encyclopedia
in your own life.
Like, if someone goes to me, what's your favorite movie?
It's like, I am a big fan of thrillers.
My favorite director and producer of all time is Christopher Nolan. My favorite movies are
Memento, the prestige, inception, interstellar, and the dogmaid trilogy. They're all Christopher Nolan
movies. There's such a pattern in our lives, and everyone has that pattern. We just have to look
beyond the debris that's all there of the noise and the dirt that's stopping us because
there's just so much distraction.
But that practice of self inquiry is really the definition of leading an examined life.
Yes.
100%.
Exactly.
And that's all we have to do that we just have to ask ourselves questions.
The problem is we are demanding the answer from our partners, the universe, our teachers, people, we demand.
We go, why is this happening to me? What's the meaning of this? That's not a question.
That's a demand. And a question is a genuine heartfelt request. A question is, do I like this?
Like that's a, a question is soft and powerful.
A question is not loud and weak.
And our questions are actually demands
and that's why we don't find the answers.
Well, they're demands, also because they're,
they're foisted outward.
Yes.
If they're turned inward, the questions become,
you know, what is, you know, what is the fear that
compelled me to do that? Like what childhood wound am I trying to sell by, you know, having this
exchange with this person or making decision X, Y or Z? Exactly. And that's exactly a demand
throughout which questions are in which it's beautiful. Absolutely. That's it. So you spend three years in the ashram
and you emerge, you make this decision to return. First of all, like, what was there a sense at some
point that you were going to always stay there and if so, what changed? Yeah. So my dream was that I
would do it for the rest of my life. And I believe that as a monk, I'd be able to write and teach
and share and hopefully be able to share that message anywhere and everywhere.
Where are your parents at this point?
What do you mean? How are they processing this?
I always describe my parents as very neutral.
They've been neutral participants in a beautiful way.
And I mean, that a good way. I love my parents.
They've never been overly pushy and they've never
been overly encouraging. They kind of have always been neutral. It's a really weird situation
to be in. So my parents don't massively celebrate everything I do, but they don't get upset
when things don't go the way they thought it would. So your mom's not asking you when
you're going to go to medical school. No, no, no, she knew I wouldn't get in. You know,
I didn't go to my graduation ceremony, so I
never got that picture of me holding the, I graduated, but never got the picture. So my
parents really gave up on me, maybe. They gave in to me at that time when I decided to make
this decision and then they were open to whatever happened. And I wanted to do it for their
rest of my life. And then two things happened. One was, I was really pushing it and really
And one was, I was really pushing it and really testing myself physically. And I could see that my health was stumbling from it because I was just like trying to do
all the fasts and meditating for longer and my momos competitive ego and also competition
with myself, mindset constantly wanted to test.
And at the same time, I started to feel like, and this was really tough, like, to admit it,
and I don't think I'd admit it then, and it's only happened afterwards.
I think that my meditation and self awareness got me to a point where I realized I wasn't
a monk in the sense of that that wasn't my path, that I felt that I wanted to share
wisdom in a certain way, that I wanted to serve people in a certain way. And a big part of me felt
that that wouldn't be realized through that lifestyle. And that doesn't mean that I knew that one day
we'd have billions of views or that, you know, all that kind of stuff. It wasn't like numbers and it
wasn't fame. It was just like, I feel this deep calling to be with people and serving this
way and share wisdom in this way and teaching this way and talk about movies and the way I talk.
And I wanted to be immersed in mainstream culture
and as a monk, I didn't even know who won the World Cup that year.
Like I had no idea.
And so that was a big part of it.
And then my teachers also, I think, started to see that,
I definitely consider myself a rebel.
And I think becoming a monk is one of the most rebellious things
you can do because it's totally anti-society.
But I think they could see that rebelliousness in me
and they could see that I wouldn't necessarily
last with that mentality as a monk.
I think as a monk, it comes with certain sacred commitment.
It's a sacred commitment to what you're doing.
And I think I realized and they realized around the same time
that it wasn't like that.
And I didn't realize at the time, I realized in hindsight.
And so when my teacher said to me
that he felt that I should leave
so I can share what I've learned,
at that time, I hadn't yet admitted to myself
that I even knew what I would do.
And so that really felt like a breakup.
It really felt like he was like,
you know, it's not you, it's me,
it's kind of like an awful breakup.
Right, more less relief, more like he was condescending to you.
Correct. Like because I hadn't yet admitted it to myself, it felt like I'd failed.
And I think that's why what failure actually feels like when you haven't admitted
something to yourself is it feels like failure. Whereas now I look back and I go, wow,
I should have felt relieved. I should have felt like someone just opened up a gateway for me
to go off and be myself. And I didn't know that then.
So when I left, I was probably in the most depressed day of my life.
I moved back in my parents.
Everyone around me now saying, we told you so.
You wouldn't make it.
And then, you know, other people-
What is making it deciding to spend your entire life in that-
Well, I think no one knows what made it mean for me.
But it's what I mean is, it's that perspective of like, oh, you couldn't even live as a monk.
Like, why would you come back?
Or like, oh, who's gonna hire you now?
And I heard that over and over again.
Like, how are you gonna make money?
Who's gonna hire you?
Who's gonna talk to you?
Like, will you be able to reintegrate?
And it was hard.
Like, hearing that noise as soon as you come back,
rather than like, oh, we're so happy.
Like, it wasn't like a welcoming party.
And that's what my parents were very supportive.
I'm talking about the external. Yeah, yeah. No, I got it. Yeah, yeah, we so happy that it wasn't like a welcoming party. And that's what my parents were very supportive. I'm talking about the external.
Yeah, yeah.
No, I got it.
Yeah, yeah, I got it.
But you emerged from that experience
with a very powerful toolbox.
And it's one thing to implement or practice those tools
in the construct of a very controlled environment
at the Oshrom versus trying to take them
into the chaos of the world.
Yeah, absolutely.
So what was that reemergence process like?
And how do you think about the applicability of that timeless wisdom
and that toolbox in terms of how we navigate the, you know,
vicissitudes of the modern age?
Well, I even fooled myself that the tools I'd learned were non-transferrable. So in the
immediate moment, even I, even after having all that training, I was just like,
great, what do I do now? And it came from again the noise because I applied to 40 companies. And
when I say 40 companies, I mean, I send them all specific tailored resumes and cover letters.
And I go reject from all 40 before intake. Like ad agencies and marketing companies.
I'm talking about management banks. So yeah, investment banks, financial institutions,
consulting firms, strategy firms. That's just the universe doing you a favor.
True, but I didn't know that then. Like, you know, I was like, I can't rely on my parents forever
and my parents are not financially well off,
so I can't just leach off of them,
and I need to figure out how to make money.
I'm 26 years old, and what am I gonna do?
So I was applying to companies that
wouldn't give me a job three years before.
And I'm struggling, and I'm getting all these nose,
and when you're seeing rejection after rejection
after rejection, you really start to question what you have,
but I realized that those three years,
and I described it this way in the way you said it,
that the three years being a monk
were being at school.
And the last seven years since I've left
to bend the exam, and I can genuinely say so far
that every tool that I have tested
from my monk toolkit works.
And the biggest one, or most, most likely the most powerful one
that I felt is, there's a beautiful verse in the monosmithy I talk about in the book.
And it says that when you protect your purpose, your purpose protects you. And what I mean
by that, and I will broaden purpose to mean what it needs to mean for anyone listening,
you have to protect your strengths, your
calling, your passions, your interests, your skills. You have to protect them like a precious
jewel because the whole world will come at you and tell you that it's not a jewel. The whole
world will come at you and tell you that it's worth nothing. And if you don't protect it,
it can't protect your value back. And most of us, as soon as we get questioned,
we just chuck the jewel out.
We just chuck it away and we go,
oh yeah, that wasn't worth anything.
And then later on in life,
you realize you threw away a precious jewel.
So I love that verse because that's what I was test being tested to do is,
I was about to go sell myself short
and just go back into the world that I came from
and just chuck out that jewel.
Rather than like, hey, I learned all these things,
I wanted to serve, I became a monk
because I wanted to serve.
How can I still serve?
How can I not just throw that all out
and pretend that it doesn't matter?
And how can I apply the discipline and the mentality
and all of the great skills?
Because guess what, when surprise, surprise,
no one wants to hire someone with monk
on their resume for three years,
and that's what I had,
because they couldn't see
the transferable skills.
I had to see them.
So they were thinking, oh, he's probably just
going to be really quiet in the office, right?
Like, what is he going to do?
But I knew that that choir was intuition.
I knew that that choir was solitude, not loneliness.
I knew that that choir was the power, that ability
to read things, to read in between the lines,
to connect with people.
And so I ended up still getting a job at Accenture.
That's the first thing I did.
It came about nine months, ten months after I'd left the Ashram.
For ten months, I spent every day in the library reading spiritual texts like the Bhagavad
Eta and then reading self-development books and business books and trying to reintegrate.
So I spent about 10 months literally reintegrating. And then when I get my job, I remember they did
an induction day and you know at these big companies, they have these induction days where they
try and do team bonding. So my first day of work was a pizza-making class with all a hundred
graduates who'd also been hired by the company. So I turn up at this pizza-making class with all 100 graduates who'd also been hired by the company.
So I turn up at this pizza-making class
and I'm just like, what am I gonna do?
Like, I don't drink alcohol.
I've never gone back to drinking, so I don't,
I still don't drink.
I was like, oh, I don't know if I'm gonna be able
to eat half the pizzas that we make.
And how am I gonna engage?
And how do I talk to people?
And I remember being really uncomfortable that day
because I was having to decide again
who I was going to be in a world that I knew
who I would have been before.
And now with everything else I learned,
so I remember just finding one or two people
having a really deep, meaningful conversation with them.
And I found my people, and I found a smaller group,
whereas I think if I had gone before,
I would have been the loudest person in the room and networking. I was totally different. And I'm still
really close friends with one of the guys that I've had that day. And I love it. It's been,
it was an accent, it was an amazing experience. So at Accenture, your job was it originally or did
you morph into this role as kind of this social media person there? Yeah, I really understand how
that would happen. So I started out as an average analyst at the company
where you just get a typical job, like,
correct, correct.
And what happened is that in our first year,
they ran a competition where they were going to choose
a group of people to be trained by some social media experts
that they were working with to try and build
the social media and digital department inside the company because that was new then. It was like a big, big area of growth
at that time. And so thankfully I got into the 20 in the competition and then I came out number
one in the full competition and one. And so I got this coaching and this coach not only
became a coach from a professional standard point, he became one of my closest friends named Thomas Power, he lives in London. And he just, I don't think he talked me everything about
social media. I think he really opened up my mind. He would constantly push me to never settle.
So if we made a breakthrough or something like I got a promotion at the company, he would never
see that success here. But all right, what's next? What are we gonna build? Like he would just give me, gave me this mentality of just growth mindset, believing more
was possible and just being able to apply all the tools that I'd learned.
And so I end up creating this social media role at Accenture where I'm creating all of
this content.
I'm learning how the biggest brands in the world use social media.
I'm working with executives on social media presence and understanding Twitter and LinkedIn.
And I just get exposed to this incredible world.
And that's where I get to learn these skills.
Right. So that's basically the ashram for learning how to become this social media maven with
unbelievable knack for creating virality.
Yeah, and it wasn't that like I never created, you know, viral content while I was at Accenture,
but it just started opening up my mind to what was possible, right?
It was just like, oh, these are the tools, feeling comfortable with failure, getting
it wrong.
It gave me a playground, right?
It gave me an opportunity.
And this is what anyone is listening to this right now watching this and you're working
at a company, your company is giving you an opportunity to learn, to grow, to test.
I learned so much about digital and strategy working at Accenture
that I could never have gone from reading a book or going to a course or a seminar
because it was there.
Like I was there with it every day with a company that was 500,000 people,
you know, a global organization.
So that's when I hear that people are dissatisfied
with their jobs and their companies, my biggest question is, have you learned everything you
possibly could from that place? Because the truth is, you could find a lot more meaning and passion
in a place that you don't want to be in, because you realize it could be the answer and key to what
you could do in the future. And there is so much to gain. Yeah, that's a cool lens. So what's interesting about this is,
I didn't really fully understand like that you kind of
went into this corporate world before.
I thought you kind of were hired as a consultant
after you already figured out all this social media stuff
and they hired you for that purpose.
No, no, no.
So that's fascinating.
But what I think is really interesting here is,
from an outsider's perspective looking in,
it would appear that so many of these timeless wisdom concepts
don't square with living in the modern world.
Like when we think of detachment,
we think of asceticism, when we think of competition,
we think of the zero sum game, et cetera.
But I think when you peel back the layers,
they're really highly compatible.
So I'm interested in kind of exploring.
Yeah, let's do that.
How you take these ideas into the world
and how they inform your decision-making
and how you see yourself.
Yeah, I love that.
And there's a big difference between,
especially from the bug with Gita's point of view,
but there's a big difference between detachment and indifference. And I think in our limited minds,
it's sometimes we think that detachment means indifference or detachment means disconnecting.
And actually detachment means, and I quote this incredible writer where he said that detachment doesn't mean that you own
nothing. Detachment means that nothing owns you. And when you look at detachment through
that lens, it means can I use everything that I have for a higher purpose? Can I use it and engage
it rather than be consumed and used by it? Now granted, that's a very high platform to live on,
and it's not easy. But the point being that detachment is not in difference. That detachment doesn't
just mean I don't want anything to do with this. It's actually how can I use this for more
than what it's being used for right now. And that's what's known as, by Rupa Ghaswami,
he quotes about probably about 500 years ago, he created and coined a term called Yucca
Veragia, which means using everything for a higher purpose. So he talks about how real renunciation,
real detachment, real asceticism is how can I use this for something more than myself?
And it's not about just getting rid of it. I love that principle. I think that that's a very
that's a very practical principle
that we can all employ living in the real world.
So for monks, detachment is real.
Like we didn't have beds, right?
We didn't have a place that we slept.
We slept in a different place every night.
But if you're not a monk and you wanna apply
that same principle, this is how you think about it.
You recognize that I don't wanna be in a position
where I am consumed by everything.
Another addition to detachment is detached from the result, focused on the process.
That's another definition of the Bhagavad Gita.
You're not attached to the fruits of your labor, but you're completely committed to the
labor, the process itself.
And that's something that we miss so often that we think being detached means not caring
about what happened.
Actually, it means caring about the process and not caring about the result.
So when we talk about writing a book and you know, you've written books and when you're
writing a book, if you're writing a book and all you're thinking about is how many copies
am I going to sell? Now, you're not going to write a good book. Now, you're dead out
of the gate. Totally. You're dead straight away because all you're thinking about is how
many copies am I going to sell? Is this going to rank? If that's what you're thinking about, you're
now not present, which means you're not going to write a good book. Whereas if you were
dedicated to the process, the result is a given, the result is a natural end to dedicate
to the process.
I fully get having a process-oriented mindset and approached everything that I do. On the higher-purpose piece, what I find myself
doing is diluting myself a little bit or for sure, or treating a little bit of denial. Like,
perfect example, we're here doing the podcast. Now, I can say, and there is a sliver of honesty in
this, that I'm doing this for a higher purpose. I am like, when I sit down for these conversations, I'm trying to be as present as possible and
you know, deliver the best content that I can in service to the audience.
At the same time, I'm profiting off of this.
Totally.
And I know that if I grow the audience, that then I can charge more and get more advertise.
You know, like sure. There is a very self-serving aspect of this.
100% and I'm always unsure about how those two worlds
like butt up against each other.
So intentions are all percentages.
So what you just broke down, you may have,
and this is me, everyone included,
you may have a 50% pure motive and 50% impure motive. Well, you may have a 50% pure motive and 50% impure motive.
Or you may have a 75% pure motive and you may be 25% impure. The point is it's a process of
purification, but guess what? Running away from it doesn't remove the impure intention.
Doing it, being humbled, seeing it fall apart, failing, growing, being told you terrible and having to reprocess that, that is what purifies you.
So the belief that if I run away from that which brings me down, you'll run away with it.
Like it stays with you because it doesn't become purified and that's the process of purification.
Like when you look at a muddy glass of water, it needs to be purified to be drinkable and we're
the same.
We just get muddy.
But with us, what happens is when you're in the world, when you're a monk, you're getting
cleansed a lot every day.
When you're in the world, it's described in India as to dirty elephant.
So the elephant goes and bathes in the water and then it rolls in the mud.
And then it bathes in the water and it rolls in the mud.
And it does this all day.
So that's what we're doing.
When we have impure and pure motives, we're doing both.
But guess what, when you're aware and you start being honest with yourself and what
you just did was beautiful, you're like, this, I'm not going to be in denial.
I'm not going to let myself delude myself.
And what happens with that greatest self awareness, you'll get closer and closer and closer
to being able to do things with a pure motive.
And that made me, at some point,
that you're like completely gonna detach
from ads or sponsorships or whatever it may be.
But that won't just happen if you stop that.
That desire doesn't go away
just because you don't externalize it.
Well, the irony is that the more service-minded I am
and the more pure I am in my approach,
the better it all is.
And that ends up being more enriching.
Totally.
I mean, so you can make the argument that somebody should be selfless and in service for selfish
motives.
Like, you can be like, if I'm trying to appeal to somebody who is a selfish person, the
appeal is, well, if
you're in service to people, your life will improve.
So even if you're doing it for selfish reasons, it's still the right thing to do.
Yeah.
100%.
Exactly.
Exactly.
That's it.
That's it.
And if that's what gets you started, hey, that's what gets you started.
So what trip you up?
I'm like, now you're in the world.
You're very successful.
You've got a million things going on.
The book's coming out. Your videos are, you know, you've got billions of
views and all this kind of stuff. I would imagine your life is lined with with spiritual
minefields. All the time. That's right. I mean, you're being, we're all being tested,
but you know, what are the tests that you're facing and where do you still find yourself
tripping yourself up? What is it that you're continually having to revisit?
Well, I think the biggest test is, so since I turned 18, I've always had my two-hour meditation
practice a day. And when I was a monk, obviously, we did more, but the majority of the quality of
it happened in the day, in the morning. For me now, with my crazy schedule, one of the biggest things being tested is my routine, my depth,
my quality. And, you know, in the modern world, people may say, oh, yeah, you meditate for
two hours. My, my monk teachers would say, how deep would those two hours? Like they don't
care about the two hours. And, you know, they, they, they're talking about depth and quality,
not quantity. So, for me, the quality and quantity of my meditation is constantly being tested because there
are supposedly more important things that I have to do, whether it's social media, whether
it's audience, whether it's writing, whether it's doing, right?
Instead of being.
And so my being is challenged.
And that, to me, is the biggest thing that I have to watch out for constantly is when
I'm traveling, I have to prioritize my routine.
When I'm moving around and I'm waking up later than I always am or I'm on a plane for
too many hours a day, I can't let go of that.
I think that I'm sharing that as a very real battle right now because that's what I'm grappling
with.
So for me, that's a big one.
And I really think that my meditation is where the purity comes from.
That's my purity bath every day.
You miss your bath, you smell, it's the same thing.
It's rigged that way.
All the being got you to this place to where now you don't have time for the being because
it provided you with so many gifts and opportunities.
Correct.
I'm saying this as much to answer your question as I am from my
own vigilance.
Like the more I say this, the more I verbalize it, the more vigilant I become.
Well, Goggins would just tell you to wake up earlier.
Yeah.
And you know, like, I mean, that's part of it.
But I think it depends how, and you may find this, I find that mentally creative careers or purposes are different
and they require good sleep.
And so I'm a big believer in eight and a half hours of sleep.
I sleep eight and a half hours a day.
I'm sleeping before midnight, usually by 9.30, 10pm to get my HGH to be maximized.
And I think people, I know a human growth hormone for anyone who doesn't know,
but I'm sure your whole audience would know.
But sleeping after 12, your human growth hormone is not having the moment that it could have.
And so you're limiting the quality of your sleep when you sleep after midnight.
So for me, I'm a big believer in figuring out your routines.
So that's one thing.
That's one thing that I'm challenged by.
Another thing that I'm challenged by is, and I'm trying to share, I wanna give you real ones
that I'm grappling with, rather than the obvious easy ones
with like, oh, there's so many opportunities
and what to say no to and stuff like that.
But I'd say another one is, is finding spiritual community.
So finding deep community, I think,
I've been very fortunate, I think LA's been good to me
and we've made some really amazing friends here,
but I think I go back to India every year
to live with the monks, I take my wife as well,
we go together every year.
And that for me is my reconnection
to remind me of how important that practice is,
because even while I'm here,
and I'm like, oh, I'm doing all right,
I've been meditating every day, I'm doing good,
I'm doing good, and then you go back and you look,
oh, wow, like, you know,
there's so much more that I've totally missed.
So that kind of reawakening and humbling every year
is really powerful for me when you go and meditate
with the experts and you're like,
oh, okay, I get it, yep, I've got a lot of work to do.
And I think that, looking in the mirror,
and you can only look in the mirror when you're
surrounded by people who are practicing with greater depth. And so I think that's a real challenge
as well of surrounding yourself with people who are aspiring for the same levels of depth.
Right. And it goes back, you know, to kind of reiterate your sliding doors.
Yeah. For example, to this experience you had,
this blessing of being exposed to this monk
at an impressionable moment in your life.
Like how that not happened,
your life would have had a completely different flavor to it.
Totally.
And it goes to this point of not only seeking out mentors,
but putting yourself in a position
where you're exposed to different ideas.
Like you can't model or become something that you're not exposed to.
Yeah, exactly.
No, you can't.
That's the biggest thing, right?
We've all heard it before.
You can't be or you can't see.
I think we don't see, if we don't see enough of something, you don't realize how important
it is.
The biggest monk approaches
to everything are so powerful. Like we talk about routines, monks have incredible morning routines.
Mindfulness and meditation practices, we know that, you know, some of the most successful people
in the world, and you've interviewed some of them and I've interviewed some of them, and they've
all got a deep meditation practice, you know, breath work is so powerful. Like I'm, I'm breaking
this all down in the most simplest ways of how,
even just self and service, like that to me as a concept of how amongst their lives of half
self, half service, all of those are such brilliant foundation points of how we can construct our
lives to find peace and to live with permits. Like there are these simple constructs
that we can all adopt.
Clarity is a superpower.
Oh, for sure.
As said by somebody we both interviewed,
you've all know Harari, right?
Love you, right?
You also has a strong meditation practice.
He goes away, I initiated 30 to 60.
He was telling me, we were talking just before,
and he told me he used to do 60 days
and now because of his busy schedule,
he's still doing it in the 30 days.
Yeah, exactly.
Every year.
And I loved that about him.
And he will tell you, and I'm sure he told you,
as well, that his books are a product of that practice.
Like he, because he requires that level of solitude
to develop the clarity that's necessary to write his books,
which really are these 10,000-foot perspectives on how we live.
Totally.
And it's one thing to be on a Vapassana meditation or in an ashram where you're stripped
away of those distractions, but we live in a world where the noise is overwhelming.
And the distractions are not only omnipresent,
they're specifically constructed
to be as highly addictive as possible.
And this is an interesting dynamic
because your work requires you to have distance
from those things, but you leverage those mediums
to basically, you know, to have this career that you have.
Yeah, and I think that it's a beautiful thing leverage those mediums to basically, you know, to have this career that you have. Yeah.
And I think that it's a beautiful thing because the tools are not going to go away.
And social media is not going to go away.
So learning how to use it effectively.
Like I was just listening the other day.
I really want to interview him too.
I was just, I watched interview with Jake, uh, Jake, uh, Jake, uh, Jake, hold the other
day and mixed him up with a football player nearly,
but Jake called the rapper,
I don't know if he's music's fantastic.
And I was watching it into,
he's very reflective,
and he was saying that he took a break
from social media to get away,
and he realized that when he came back,
nothing went away.
And this was the point that I'm making that,
learning how to engage is more important than
disengaging.
And this is something that's missed.
Disengaging is the first step to re-engage more effectively.
It is not the step and the final step.
And I think a lot of us look at disengagement as the achievement or the final step when
actually disengagement is the beginning step of effective reengagement.
Does that make sense?
Yeah, I like that.
And I think that that's the mistake people might people say, oh, I went on my social
media seven day fast.
I'm going to be brilliant when I come back.
No, because you haven't still figured out how to reengage.
When I became a monk, it disconnected me from the noise.
But my reengagement into society has been more powerful because of the disconnection,
but not seeing the disconnection as an end.
And so when you decide to disengage from anything, learn that actually re-engaging is the
skill you want to develop, when you learn how to re-engage, reconnect, renew, like when
you can do all of that effectively, That's when you win the battle. So for me, what helps me re-engage with social media
is, first of all, I am a creator, not a consumer.
I consume to create, or I create, and I don't consume.
So what I mean by that is when I come on to social media,
I'm going there to share, or to infuse energy.
I don't go there to get energy.
And if I go there to consume, it's to learn to create better. So that don't go there to get energy.
And if I go there to consume, it's to learn to create better.
So that's a very clear rule for me.
I'm not a consumer of such.
You're not scrolling and looking at what everyone else is saying.
Not in an unintentional way.
Like I may follow you to see if you've interviewed someone
and I'm like, oh, Rich asked that really good question.
I won't ask that question.
I can ask you from this angle so that that will help my audience,
right?
Like that's consuming to create., oh, Rich got that amazing guess. Like maybe I should reach out
to, you know, that kind of like, and so I think being a consumer is important to being a creator,
but it is not consuming just randomly and unintentionally. And even if I'm being random on social media,
it's intentional. I'm like, I'm going random to see what comes up on my feed because I want to see what's winning.
So that's one point.
The other barrier that I've made is,
me and my wife have created no technology,
times, and zones in the home.
And we break this all the time, but it's a good rule.
So we decided that we would not have phones,
and I recommend this to have phones in the dining room
or the bedroom because it's more fun to eat and sleep with people.
So don't, you know, ruin those spaces where there's time for bonding and connection and conversation.
And I think most people these days are sitting in their beds on their phones, on their devices, and then go to bed, right?
Rather than talking or reflecting on the day or asking someone how their day was, whatever it is that you want to do. So I feel like creating barriers and times
have really helped me.
And even if I fail at it sometimes
and we don't always follow it,
it's still a useful thing to have.
The other thing I have is I make sure,
and this has changed my life.
Just don't look at your phone in the morning.
Like that, just the morning time is so powerful.
So I wake up at six on my best days
and that's my generic across
the board five days a week. And I don't look at my phone until 815 when I go down to the
gym because I'm meditating in the morning and I've got my personal practices. So that
just not looking at the phone in the morning, you're already now not starting the day as
a consumer, you're starting the day as a creator.
I think I heard you say that you locked your phone
in your car.
It's true.
It's a true story.
So I lit when I came back from being a monk.
So when I came back from the ashram
and I moved back in with my parents,
I used to leave my phone and my laptop in the car,
locked in the trunk outside,
because I knew that if I kept it downstairs,
I would trick myself into going to get it.
Even after three years at the ashram.
Even after three years at the ashram, Even after three years at the ashram,
because that's how stuff, this stuff is designed.
But again, it was disengaging to learn how to reengage.
And reengagement means rules.
You have to set rules for yourself.
You have to set rules that you can follow
and rules that you can commit to.
And I think the simplest one for me is,
if you don't, and I don't know how you live,
but I live, my life is very scheduled by the minute
and the hour, even if it's free time or reflection time.
And I like living like that because it doesn't give me an excuse.
I don't really have many gaps in my day
where I can just aimlessly do stuff.
Well, it takes the decision fatigue out of everything.
Correct.
I mean, one hard and fast rule that I have
that I break fairly, fairly regularly
is I never schedule anything before 12.
Nice.
So my morning time is meditation journaling
and then I go out and I train.
And that's usually, that's my solitude.
That's an active version of meditation
that involves trail running or going
swimming or whatever I'm doing. But I give myself, that seems very indulgent to most people.
And I have the privilege of being self-employed so I can do that. I understand most people can't do
that. But by adhering to that rule, people will say, oh, can you do this conference call at 9
and the more eyes like, no, I'm not available until 12.
Sometimes I, you know, I have to bend for that or whatever, but by making that kind of a parameter and a priority,
that's improved my life tremendously.
Exactly. Yeah, that's beautiful.
And I think that, like you said, if there are people out there who can't make those decisions,
make it in the power that you do have.
So if that for you is, you don't do anything before 9am or if your idea is you don't do anything
on Sunday before noon, you know, whatever it is, like find your mini version of that and
see how that changes your life.
You may not be able to do it to the degree of saying, I'll never do anything before that
time, but you can do it one day a week.
You can do it for an hour a week. You can do it for 10 minutes a week.
Like, that expands. I feel like the better we use our time, the more time expands for us.
And I think we feel time is limited because we often don't use our time effectively.
Yeah. One thing I wanted to touch on with you is this idea of element, environment and energy. Oh, yeah. Yeah.
So, I talk about how there are three things that we're all missing in our lives or we're
not aware.
It's self-awareness.
So, the first is our element.
And that to me is your dharma, your passion, your calling.
It's when you feel you're performing at your best.
It's what power, what power situation, but not external, but what power mode do you
find yourself in? So I love being in this mode. I love speaking on stage. I love reading, studying,
and learning. I love writing. I love synthesizing. That's my power mode. That's my element. I love being
an element. Now that comes with figuring out your domain,
your passion, and your purpose,
and everything we spoke about.
The secondary of environment is what environment
do you thrive in?
Now, the reason why I fell in love with your home
is because I love solitude, and I love silence,
and I love being alone.
And so right now, it's just me and you,
and I was just like, wow, this is really nice.
And so I have an office for my team,
but I work from my home office,
because I don't like being around lots of noise
and people.
I manage all these people.
Yeah, exactly, but driving the big social media machine.
Yeah, and it's hard.
And so, you know, and I'm still,
and this is what I mean, but this is a challenge, right?
Do you protect your purpose?
Or do you give in?
This is exactly it.
It's like, I have to work
from home because that is who I am. I love being alone to create. I need time. I need space. I need,
I can't deal with too much distraction. I don't enjoy it. And so I've had to craft my life in a way
to do that. And just to clarify, when I was at Accenture, I did not have my own office. I did not
have a corner office. I did not have any office, I worked on the floor and I was able to do
this then by putting on my headphones or by being very careful about who I spoke to
and who I connected with or finding a space where I could build my own.
So you can craft these spaces too even if you don't have them.
But environment, it's really important to know what environment you thrive in because
I think for most of us, our environment is just something we accept based on what we get. And we're not good at crafting.
Environment could be something as simple as playing the right song. It could be having the right
background on your desktop because it brings you to life. It could be having crystals in front of you.
This is an environment. When I walked into that, I was like, oh, a box in crystals, my kind of table. You know, it's like, there's so much, this is an environment
and everyone can create the environment, whether they're at an office desk, whether they're
in a cubicle, whether they're on the train, you have to create the environment. And finally,
it's what energy do you vibe with? And what I mean by that is you can look at it as simple
as fast-paced energy or slow energy, but you can also look at it as frequency of, do you succeed and are you more challenged when you're around
people that are teaching you and guiding you or do you succeed in an energy that is
where you're teaching?
Like, knowing your energy of power is so important and I feel for so many people, their energy is low because they're constantly in low energy spaces.
So places like bars and restaurants every day, of course you feel tired,
of course you feel exhausted, of course you don't feel energized in the morning.
It's probably one of the worst ways to end the day.
And we think that it's decompressing.
And actually, no, it's just depressing, right?
It's like, there's no decompression. There's just depression that comes with that because you just
get exhausted and your body and your mind are now dealing with what's called cognitive load
because your mind in a bar is not only trying to listen to the person talking to you,
your mind is trying your brain is trying to process all the other cluttered
sound because it's trying to make sense of it. Now, guess what? Your brain doesn't realize
for a long time that there is no sense in it because it's still trying to process, process
process. So it's getting drained. And so you have to know what energy you thrive in. And
if you need a day to take care of your energy every week, you have to invest in that.
Well, I think answering those questions, like grappling with, like, what is the energy in which I thrive? What environment suits me? You know, what is my element?
All of this goes back to self-awareness. Totally. You know, I think if you ask most people,
what kind of environment do you thrive best in, I would venture to imagine that most people
aren't really sure. They didn't answer that. They didn't know. And my answer to that is
that that's what I expect. And that's why I'm encouraging that because I'm not trying to give you the answers for
you because I don't know and I can't know and no one can know.
But what I do know is that if you ask yourself the right questions more often, you will very
quickly find out just like everyone knows whether they like Mexican food or not.
It's the same thing.
It's not complicated.
It's really that simple.
It's like you know whether you like Mexican food or not.
Okay, you like Mexican food.
Do you like burritos or tacos?
You know the answer to that.
Like, it's not complicated.
And it's the same with energy and environment and element.
It's just no one's ever asked us.
No one's ever asked us.
What's your favorite energy, right?
Imagine being on a first date and someone goes to you.
What environment do you drive in?
No one asked to ever ask what's your favorite color?
What's your favorite food?
What's your favorite movie? Start applying that same questioning to how you live your life.
It's asked that about people you meet. When you, you lead to, I remember, I was given a very
interesting offer once by a very wealthy individual. And I remember, and it would have been very lucrative for me,
and I remember coming back from that evening and speaking to a very dear friend of mine.
And he was like, how did he go? Because I was very excited for that meeting. It was
very early in my career. I was very excited for that meeting. I don't think I'd ever met
someone of that caliber before. And it was quite a moment for me. So I told him I excited
I wasn't. When I come back, when I got back, he said to me, like, so how do you go? And I said, I said, I don't
think I'm going to work with him. And he was like, why not? It sounds like an amazing opportunity.
It's lucrative. Everything. I was like, I just didn't vibe with his energy. Like there was just
something about it. That just, I didn't feel like, I felt like if I failed, he'd, he'd say, I told you
so. And if we won, then he'd take the credit.
And I just, that's not the kind of partnership I like.
I like partnerships, which are win-win,
where we're supporting each other.
And so it's so easy to judge that,
but you'll forget that if you don't ask yourself
when you walk out.
See, when we walk out of parties,
we talk about the food and the drink.
We talk about what people were wearing,
all useless information.
We rarely go, do I like hanging out there
or do I not like hanging out there?
Do I have to energize or do I not?
Those are much better questions to ask
than, oh, did you like her shoes?
Well, expanding that level of self-awareness
to better understand how other human beings operate
is incredibly valuable, especially if you're in a relationship.
Like if you're somebody who needs solitude, like you said, that doesn't mean that the person
that you're with thrives in that dynamic.
Like that person may need something different.
And being able to like, you know, grok that will provide you with incredibly powerful and
important relationship tools to maintain that relationship.
Otherwise, if you're expecting them to process in the way that you do, you're setting
yourself up for a lot of problems. Exactly. So for me and my wife, it's a really good point,
Rachel. I'm really glad you raised that. For me and my wife, she succeeds and thrives when she's
around her friends and family. And I succeed and thrive when I'm on my own, or with her, but on my
own in terms of a creative way. And so we know that when I want that time,
that's when she usually goes back to London
and spends time with her family.
Or when she wants to go spend time with her family
in London, or has her friends over here,
that's when I'm gonna get more time to do that.
And so we've found that we both require
very different things,
but we've tried in our relationship to time them,
her for me and me for her,
time them at the same time, so that we both get that.
And so I can be traveling alone,
like I just went to New York for a week,
but she was here and her friends had moved
into our place for a week with her.
You know, it's like,
it's finding out the things that work
and it's you supporting them to have that environment
and they support you to have your environment.
Rather than like you saying, oh, well, I like being alone, so you to have your environment. Right.
Rather than like you saying, Oh, well, I like being alone, so you should be okay being
alone too.
Like we both know that doesn't work.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Respecting that and also understanding that that person has their own independent experience.
And being in a place where a healthy, a healthy place where you're trying to support that person in their own personal
self-actualization journey, as opposed to making it like a complement to your own journey, I think
it's important, right? Like it's important to have your independence within a relationship and not
be overly defined by the other person.
Oh, 100%.
Yeah, I couldn't agree more.
And I think with couples, that's the challenge.
We look for similarities in likes and dislikes.
You know, when you're dating someone or you're meeting
someone, you're just like, oh, do we like the same food?
Do we like the same things?
Do we both like being alone?
Do we both like this?
And you look for likes and similarities on quite
superficial things that are not actually relevant
to the quality of a relationship.
What's really the heart of a quality of a relationship is,
do you have the same likes and dislikes
as to how to build a relationship
in terms of your values about a relationship?
Yeah, it's about values.
Yeah, I mean, you can be, me, my wife and I are completely different.
And so many ways.
Me too.
Yeah.
A lot of people are shocked that it works.
And I mean, we've been together for 20 years.
So that's amazing.
We figured a few things out.
But it's because we share core values, even though from a surface
perspective, we look very different.
Yeah, and core values, not just from the point of view of the deeper thing that builds you both,
but I mean core values of how you view a healthy relationship.
Like me and my wife both view a healthy relationship as one where we support each other to reach our own goals.
That's a value in a relationship.
It's not even just a value.
Another value of ours is that we both know that
we can trust each other that we're always acting
for each other's benefit, right?
That's a value, we both share that.
We both share the value of once you sleep on it, it's done.
We both have that.
So when we've thought about something
or we've disagreed about something,
when we've gone to sleep the next day,
we're not bringing it back up as ammunition. It's gone. And we both
have that value before we met. And so those are relationship values. And that's what you need
values that are similar or not just values in, or we both value spirituality. That's there,
but this is a deeper level of that. Yeah, it's not about avoiding conflict or not arguing or not having fights over things.
It's about how you process that
and communicate to get to the other side
and minimize the half life.
Yeah, I mean, I mean, John Gottman,
whose institute is the nominal.
He's amazing.
Yeah, he's been to the Gottman Institute.
I haven't been, yeah, I met a conference
that we both spoke and I can't wait to have him
on my podcast, but John
Gotman's done all the research on relationships and he talks about the number one skill needed to
have a long lasting relationship is not date nights. It's not walks on the beach. It's not flowers. It's
learning how to fight. Yeah. And and when I read that in his work, I was just like, that is so true. I love that because you are going to fight, but most people don't know how to fight.
And just as there's love languages where Gary Chapman so beautifully explained, I believe
that there are fight languages.
And what I mean by that is there are fight responses or languages that you naturally have.
So for example, my wife's fight language is she likes to be quiet,
reflect, and think, and not talk about things until she processes. My fight language is totally the opposite. I want to figure it out right now. I want to open up, I want to extrapolate,
I want to break it down. Guess what? In the beginning of our relationship, that really didn't work.
Because she was quiet. I was like, why are you quiet? Why are you not telling me what's going on?
Have I done something wrong? And I'd be forcing her to share it.
And then she would share prematurely
and feel like she said something she didn't mean now.
And now I'm upset at what I forced her to share with me.
And so we really had to learn each other's fight languages.
And I've learned that her fight language is better than mine.
And so now the approach is she needs space.
I need space.
And we come back together and discuss it
when we're both ready. And it sounds basic, but so many relationship issues occur because people's
fight languages don't match. Mindful fighting. Mindful fighting. The fighting is the
antithesis of mindfulness in the sense that you're being reactive in the moment. Like something
comes over us and we're just spouting whatever and we're repeating these recursive patterns
that are embedded deep within us. And to the extent that you could take a step back and deploy
the skills that you learn through meditation and the experiences that you had in the Sashron to
create distance between your impulse and the next best move, you're taking out an insurance policy for a better outcome.
Absolutely. Yeah, I agree with that.
It's really well said.
Well, I appreciate you coming here to talk to me.
Thank you, man.
You are an inspiration to me.
It's millions of people out there,
the content that you're putting out into the world
is definitely raising the vibration of consciousness,
and that's what we need now more than ever.
We need to bridge
these gaps and learn how to communicate long-form conversations or one way to do it. The videos and
everything that you kind of, you know, produce as really like a spiritual offering to the world,
I think, is a gift. So thank you for that. And I'm excited to see how this book is received by
the world and what you decide to do.
That's my friend and you've always got a welcome seat across from me here.
Thank you, man.
I was also going to say you've I've been schooled today on how to host a really good podcast.
This is been a lot of fun and it's yeah, you're brilliant to talk to man.
I've really explored so many things today.
So thank you so much for helping me re-explore and learn and question
so many of my own beliefs and values. So I really appreciate anyone who can help me do
that.
Thanks, man.
So the book is Think Like A Monk, available everywhere, support your local booksellers.
But you can also, of course, always get it on Amazon. You can learn more about Jay at
jsheddy.me. He's a beast on Facebook, which is interesting because it's like, I thought we were done with Facebook, but you're like huge on Facebook. That's a beast on Facebook, which is interesting because it's like I thought we were done with Facebook
But you're like huge on Facebook. That's a whole other podcast
Just Google J Shuddy you can find them everywhere. Thank you, man. All right. He's so much rich. Beats
Hey, we didn't even talk about being vegan. We didn't we'll do that next time. Yeah, next time
Yeah, we got a lot more peace. We should do more stuff together regularly right on that. That's great
That was awesome, man. Thank you. Hope that was good for your audience.
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