On Purpose with Jay Shetty - 4 Things We Stress About & 6 Steps to Reduce Anxiety During This Time

Episode Date: December 17, 2021

Who doesn’t love the holidays? But we all know the most wonderful time of the year can be stressful. Whether it’s the stress of giving gifts, difficult family members reopening old wounds, heated debates with that stubborn aunt or uncle, it’s important to remain calm and stay present.In this episode, Jay Shetty shares 4 of the most common sources of Christmas stress, along with 6 simple, practical steps to reduce anxiety during the most wonderful time of the year (or family gatherings in general)Get your copy of Think Like a Monk today by clicking this link!https://thinklikeamonkbook.com/00:00 - Who doesn’t love the holiday season? But it can be stressful03:25 - Research from APA.org Holiday Stress & Resource Center06:18 - Stress #1, dealing with the pressure of gift giving09:26 - Stress #2, receiving unwanted gifts & how to handle disappointment12:32 - Stress #3, finances & overspending during the holidays14:52 - Stress #4, relationships & reopening old family wounds17:00 - Step #1, be cautious with your calendar & it’s okay to say “No”18:19 - Step #2, prioritize sleep & get enough rest20:22 - Step #3, allow for imperfection & be okay with not meeting expectations21:48 - Step #4, focus on what matters - connection & making new memories23:23 - Step #5, know that winning an argument with family doesn’t solve anything23:42 - Step #6, don’t wait until the New Year to take time to reflectLike this show? Please leave us a review here - even one sentence helps! Post a screenshot of you listening on Instagram & tag us so we can thank you personally!See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

I'm Jay Shetty and on my podcast on purpose, I've had the honor to sit down with some of the most incredible hearts and minds on the planet. Oprah, Kobe Bryant, Kevin Hart, Louis Hamilton, and many, many more. On this podcast, you get to hear the raw real-life stories behind their journeys and the tools they used, the books they read, and the people that made a difference in their lives so that they can make a difference in hours. Listen to on purpose with Jay Shetty on the I Heart Radio app, Apple podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Join the journey soon. What if you could tell the whole truth about your life, including all those tender and visible things we don't usually talk about?

I'm Megan Devine. Host of the podcast, it's okay that you're not okay. Look everyone's at least a little bit not okay these days, and all those things we don't usually talk about, maybe we should. This season, I'm joined by stellar guests like Abbermote, Rachel Cargol, and so many more. It's okay that you're not okay. New episodes each and every Monday, available on the iHeartRadio app or wherever you listen to podcasts. Our 20s often say is this golden decade. Our time to be carefree, make mistakes, and figure out our lives.

But what can psychology teach us about this time? I'm Gemma Speg, the host of the Psychology of Your 20s. Each week, we take a deep dive into a unique aspect of our 20s. From career anxiety, mental health, heartbreak, money, and much more to explore the science behind our experiences. The psychology of your 20s hosted by me, Gemma Speg. Listen now on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcast or wherever you get your podcasts. We've made gifts to feel like such an important big thing around this time of year. And it often leads to more disappointment and more anxiety. The giver is full of anxiety, the receiver now has

unmet expectations filled, it's extremely disappointed and it also ruins the spirit and the moment that we're trying to create which is just about connection and love. which is just about connection and love. Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose, the number one health podcast in the world. Thanks to each and every single one of you to come back every week to listen, learn and grow. Now today's episode is a special one because it's coming up to the holidays and I am a huge, huge, huge holiday fan. I love Christmas music. I love Christmas decorations. I love Christmas

trees. I like anything to do with Christmas. I grew up as the biggest Christmas geek. And it's my favorite time of the year. I'm that person who's playing Christmas music on every car journey from my phone at any given moment I possibly can. And I love the energy of the season. I love how it makes me feel nostalgically. I remember this being a special time with my family back home in London. I remember some of the rituals and routines we would do.

I remember the shopping trips we'd go on. I remember the idea of opening up my one special gift on Christmas Day. And so I have so many good memories attached to this period as well. And even though now I'm away from family, I still really enjoy putting up my tree, putting up the lights, just getting into that festive spirit and the music just takes me back.

But at the same time, I know that this can also be a time of a lot of stress and anxiety. And sometimes as we get older, we find ourselves finding this time even more stressful, nerve-wracking and anxious, because we have more responsibilities. We now become the parents. We become the gift givers. We become the hosts and all we become the visitors and guests. And even that can be challenging. And so there are so many different types of challenges and anxiety that people experience during this time.

And I think it's really, really important to address them. So I wanted to dedicate this podcast to methods of reducing anxiety and the types of anxiety we feel during the holiday season. Because if any one of you right now who's listening is feeling any sense of anxiety or nervousness as it comes up to the holidays. I mean, you know, how far are we right now? We're literally one week away from Christmas

if you're listening to this. And I just wanna make sure that you're prepared. So if you're one of those people that have already been to a couple of holiday parties and you know that you've got your big ones coming up, this is the podcast to listen to. If you have friends in your life that you know are struggling during this time, maybe they've been through a particular type of stress.

I'll talk about some of the most common types of stress. I think this is the podcast that everyone's going to need at this time of year and I hope you take a moment to listen to it and share it with someone as well. So I want to start off by some of the research I was looking at from the American Psychological Association or the APA, the website is apa.org. If you want to check out some of what I'm referring to. And they have something on there called the Holiday Stress Resource Center. And I found this to be really useful in looking at the different types of stress. And I think it's really important to have the skill to be able to label and articulate your stress.

One of the challenges we have is we often say things like, I'm just stressed about everything. Right? When someone says, well, what are you stressed about? We say, just everything. You know, everything is just so stressful. And when we don't have the words for something, it actually makes it harder for our mind to deal with it. This is something I've learned over time, is that when you don't have the vocabulary to articulate what you are internally experiencing,

it actually becomes harder to deal with it. Because when you don't know what it is, that creates more anxiety, the unknown. In the same way as if you have a rash on your arm or on your hand, and you decide to Google it, and you don't know what it is, you don't have the language or the vocabulary for it, all of a sudden you feel you have every infectious disease on the planet, right? When you self-diagnose, it leads to this feeling of more anxiety now. So in the same way, when we can't diagnose, when we can't articulate,

when we don't have the vocabulary for what is happening internally, we actually deal with more struggles. So when I went on to the APA, it talked about how there were many different triggers for our stress and anxiety during the holidays. Now, I know I'm not going to cover every possible one because they truly can be unlimited, but I'm encouraging you, at this point in the podcast, to really take a moment to define what types of anxiety you're currently experiencing.

And I promise you that this activity and exercise is going to help you manage it better and in a more healthy way. Just as if you diagnose a rash, you know what it is, you know what to do, right? You don't over amplify or undersell what that is. I think this is a really important note that often we either over amplifying anxiety when we don't know

what it is, or we treat it with less care than it deserves. How many times have you done that? When you don't know what something is, you either amplify it to feel like the worst thing ever or you underplay it. So often we underplay our pain and we say, oh no, it's nothing, it's nothing, it's nothing. And then later on you find out it is something. And so articulating and diagnosing and giving of a cabillary allows you to deal with something for what it truly, truly is.

So one of the first stresses that the APA talks about is dealing with the pressure of giving. How many of you feel the pressure to get the right gift for the right person and you're sitting there for ages, you order that thing, you then realize it's not the right thing. And then you had a conversation with them where they said, well, I don't like that.

That's not the right thing. And now you're looking at something else. And all of a sudden, you now are feeling the anxiety of gift giving. And I was looking at some statistics on investor pdf to give you some idea. Planned holiday spending breaks down to $648 on gifts for family, friends and co-workers. $231 on non-gift holiday items, including food and decorations, and $118 on other non-gift items for self and family.

That's roughly the average that people are spending. So, $998 is the average amount that consumers expect to spend on winter holidays in 2021. Then I was on finder.com, and I saw this interesting reset study that talked about Christmas gift confessions, and it said that Americans have wasted $15.2 billion on unwanted gifts. We've wasted $15.2 billion on unwanted gifts,

so 43% of that is made of clothing and accessories. 20% of that is in household items. 12% is cosmetics and fragrances. 4% is food or drink. 5% is technology. Music is 4% and literature is 8%. Which means the best gifts that people are less likely to feel it's waste about technology and literature.

Books and tech are good gifts to give and food, of course, goes in their clothing and household items go as the biggest wastes that often get returned or have to go back. So, so important to think about them. And around 30% of people keep their unwanted gifts, around 30% give it to someone else, 20% exchange them, 7% actually sell their unwanted gifts says finder.com. And 4% give them back, 4% throw them away. And that's pretty much how it stacks up. So when you think about that, it starts to make you realize that gifts are given too much importance when so many of them are given back, exchanged, sold, and we can switch our

focused experiences. We can start to recognize that an experience is far more valuable than a gift, Because if someone's had an experience, it's an exchange of time. And if you've organized something for everyone to do, and everyone has had that experience of food and drink, that was up there, then that doesn't feel like as much anxiety. And it actually reduces our anxiety because we stop giving gifts so much precedent.

And I think this is a really, really important thing that we need to reprogram ourselves or we've made gifts to feel like such a important, big thing around this time of year. And it often leads to more disappointment and more anxiety. The giver is full of anxiety. The receiver now has unmet expectations

filled it's extremely disappointed. And it also ruins the spirit and the moment that we're trying to create, which is just about connection and love. And so I think it's so important that as receivers and givers, we think about communicating with the people in our life and really talking about whether gifts are important, with the gifts of the only thing. We don't do that thing where we say, oh yeah, I don't mind if you don't get me a gift

and then we're upset when they don't. Or we say, oh, I don't mind if you get me a gift and probably let's not worry about it, then you get them a surprise gift and hope that they give you a surprise gift. Right, we play all these games with each other, let's communicate really effectively about what we do and don't want.

Let's also reduce the emphasis on gifts and increase the emphasis on experiences. And let's also set realistic expectations when people are giving us something. If we haven't told them what we want, very clearly, chances are we won't get it. Chances are it's not going to be wrapped beautifully under the Christmas tree. And so it's so important to really resolve the amount of pressure we place on gift giving. This was a really interesting thing from the APA and it was from an expert, Pauline Wallen, PhD, a clinical psychologist in Camp Hill, Pennsylvania.

She said, over the course of my career, I have talked to thousands of patients, and never once, as anyone said, I'll never forgive my parents for not getting me that fabulous toy for Christmas. She said, parents overestimate the importance of the holidays in the overall picture of their kids' lives. Those are not the memories the kids will carry with them

to the world to guide and inspire them, which hopefully offers some relief. You know, like hopefully if you can breathe again and recognize that it isn't all about that. She goes on to say, a parent could sit down with their kid, even as young as six or seven years old, and explain a budget. When they're aware of the family budget,

I think it helps them share the responsibility for good choices. I thought that was a beautiful idea because we may never have had that and that's why we think the way we think about Christmas and we put so much pressure on Christmas. But what if it was possible to actually have a child understand budgeting

from a much younger age? I remember my parents would always say to me that we'd get one gift because that's what the budget was. So we could only pick one thing. There was only one thing we could have. And I think that always made it very, very simple. And then if they managed to get us something small on top of that, it always felt like this really exciting

bonus. So setting that budgeting example is really powerful. And so I really hope that that helps in your gift giving. I'm sure there's lots more things I could share there, but hopefully that's some insight. I am Yannla and on my podcast, the R-Spot, we're having inspirational, educational, and sometimes difficult and challenging conversations about relationships. They may not have the capacity to give you what you need, and insisting means that you are abusing yourself now. You human.

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I learned something new about women from around the world and leave feeling amazed, inspired, and sometimes shocked. Listen on the iHeart Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. The next thing is finances, and I've talked a bit about spending habits already, but finances can be a big, big stressor during this time. And one of the most important things to do is to start with the budget. To not just say, well, let's see what we can get or not track what you're spending. It's really important to create a budget that you feel comfortable with. As I said, the average spend is about a thousand dollars. You may be spending more. You may be spending less. It's just really important to set something that you're truly, truly comfortable with. And remember that you shouldn't feel pressured to spend more or less,

best on what other people are doing. It's truly about how much you feel comfortable spending. Often we say, oh, but they spend so much on their gifts and last year they gave us so much. And that kind of pressure can often ruin the relationship. I can ruin the interaction. And it's so important to just be honest with where we truly are and give something with love, to give something really, really thoughtful.

I know that some of the best gifts I've given have not been the most expensive, but they've been the most thoughtful, they've been the most powerful, they've been the most meaningful. And often when I've given gifts that are expensive expensive They've actually been so easy to give that there isn't much thought in them. So Really think about that Now another thing the APA point is that you have to recognize how you deal with stress related to money So it says that in tough economic times some people are more likely to relieve stress by turning to unhealthy activities are more likely to relieve stress by turning to unhealthy activities, such as smoking, drinking, gambling, or emotional eating. So you end up spending more to actually deal with your stress of spending in the first place. And so it's important to understand your relationship with money

during this time of year. And again, investing in experiences and memories is more important than investing in gifts. It's so, so important to build those moments and build those memories as opposed to building a gift culture in your home. Again, I'm not saying don't get gifts. I love gifts. I know what my family is getting me for Christmas. I know what I'm getting them. But if you are creating a gift plan, create a gift budget for each other as well and even creating a budget within the family creates so much more joy during this time, rather than the guessing game of how much will someone spend on us. The APA goes on to say that the next thing that people struggle with the most during this time

is relationships. It could be that awkward conversation, you've been trying to avoid. It could be managing the kids during this time. It could be just, you know, not wanting to see someone again. And it can also be the idea of loss. Maybe you've lost someone. I know for my family, we lost my grandmother during the pandemic. And we're so used to celebrating Christmas at my uncle's home, my, where my grandmother used to live.

And my grandfather also passed away just before. And so I know that this year, they're not going to want to celebrate Christmas at their home. There's a lot of rituals and routines that they don't want to do. I'm not even sure if they've put their tree up this year. And that's kind of the things we have to think about when it comes to loss,

that how can we help someone who's dealing with loss? And how can we also help ourselves if we've lost someone in the last couple of years? And Christmas doesn't feel the same anymore. It's really important to ask some really difficult questions, but questions that could hopefully help us go in the right direction. So the APA says that, you know, there may be some traditions that you don't want to do. Maybe they're just too painful,

and it makes sense to either not do any traditions, or maybe try something new. It's a real opportunity to create something new. You may not want to celebrate in the same place. You may want to travel. You may want to be at a different home. I think these are very important conversations to have, because on the day, these things can really, really put a lot of pressure on us.

Who are the people you want to be around? This is a really, really critical question. Often, we feel the pressure to be around family and specific family, but we have to also be around our chosen family. It's really important to make sure that you are around a tribe that you want to be around. So these are some of the main areas that the APA talks about. I want to go over some really key principles that I think are going to help you during this time overall that you can apply no matter what situation you're in. The number one thing is to be cautious with your calendar. Don't over commit and remember it's okay to say no.

I think too many of us, we just start saying yes to everything, of course, it's nice to see everyone again. It's been a long time, but we end up saying yes to so many people. And often I say no to people and it really, like I'm really sad and sorry, I'm going back to London, someone messaged me the other day and they said, hey, Jay, I'd love to meet up with you in London.

And I just was honest and I said, you know what, my parents haven't seen me. They've seen me once in the last two years. I really feel like my sister and my parents are my priority on this trip. And I'm just really sorry. I'll let you know if I have time. And I feel like it would have been so easy for me to say,

yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. And the next thing I know, my calendars filled, I feel anxious because of my calendar being so busy. And then I feel over committed. You have to remember it's okay to say no. And remember, it's not saying no. It's explaining why you're saying no. In with the truth of what the reality is.

Not having to come up with an answer, but one of the reasons why we create anxiety in our lives is that we're not cautious with our calendars. And so I recommend having your calendar open every time you say yes to someone or no to someone, you look at it and use it throughout the period so that there's never a time when you're just back to back. Okay, the next one is prioritizing sleep. Now, I know this may sound counterintuitive.

You may say, Jay, I want to stay up all night. I want to have fun. But what I find is that we often get unwell, we get tired, we get more anxious when we don't sleep well. When I was reading from the sleep foundation, dot org, I was looking at the connection between anxiety and sleep. And I think often we're not really aware of that connection and we don't recognize how deeply interrelated they are. Research findings suggest that sleep loss and anxiety are closely linked. This was an article from Psychology Today that talked about how we've learned that sleep provides the brain with an invaluable period of transporting toxins out of neural tissue through a complex garbage removal system. Operating separately from the body's lymphatic system, the brain's trash disposal

apparatus seems dependent on sleep to function properly. When you hear that, doesn't it just blow your mind? And you think, wow, I thought sleep was just about getting rest, but there is so much cleansing happening. There is so much brainwashing happening during sleep. Poor sleep seems to put the brain on guard by triggering spits in stress hormones like cortisol, producing an early AM and anxiety bloom even before the day begins. I cannot stress to you all how important it is to get good sleep. Some of my favorite sleep habits include sleeping at 67 degrees Fahrenheit to get that cooler temperature. Often we want to be cozy and warm, but you want to sleep in a room that is at 67 degrees. You want to sleep in cave-like darkness, no lights, no light coming in through the window,

get curtains, get shades, get blinds. One of my other favorite sleep techniques is making sure that I'm sleeping in a room where the sight, sense, and sounds are really created that ambiance, so whether it's a candle, whether it's a diffuser, whether it's an essential oil that just really calms your body.

It's really healthy to have that in that space. Now, another one is really allowing for imperfection and not meeting people's expectations. I think no matter how hard you try with food, a party, and event, it's never truly going to live up to anyone's expectations. We have to allow for imperfection ourselves. I think we often put pressure on ourselves. A lot of the pressure around the holiday time is on ourselves. Are we going to organize a good enough party? Are we going to make good enough food? Are people going to think we're good hosts?

And we're constantly worried about how people are going to think of us. And the truth is that no one really ever is going to be fully satisfied, not because you're not great, but because people have so many different expectations and you can't appeal to every single person. I think sometimes we get so lost trying to make sure that everyone's happy, that no one's happy. Whereas if we actually just allowed for imperfection and tried our best, more people would

get our energy and remember that people are looking to feel love through you, not through what you give them. And I think this is something that I've noticed so much. If I go to someone's home, I'm deeply touched by how they speak to me, how they welcome me, how they connect with me, so much more than what was in the gift bag or what was for dinner. The care and the attention in mood and spirit and energy

goes much longer way and it's something you can fully, fully control. Now, I think it's also important at this time to remember that we focus on what truly matters, experiences in human connection and memories, making new memories. It's not the gifts, it's not the food, it's not, you know, that doesn't make the memories. What makes the memories is that human connection. And I really hope that the people that you're worried about seeing, I hope you practice conversations before.

I hope you prepare in advance for those conversations. And the best way to do that is to think about who are the people that are gonna trigger you, what are they going to say, and practice your response now before you go there? That's the best way to do it, because what that does is it means that now before you go there. That's the best way to do it because what that does is it means that now when you hear those words,

you already knew they were coming and you've already programmed yourself to not give an instinctual response, but to give a practice response. What the practice response does is it allows you to respond without anxiety. I find it shocking how so many people will know the person who's going to trigger them. They know that that person's going to upset them. And then they still let

that person upset them. If you know someone is going to upset you, be upset now and practice how you respond to make sure you don't feel upset in the moment. When you practice that conversation now and you practice that feeling, I do this all the time when I was about to go and become a monk, whenever I'd be in my family, that always be like, why are you going to be a monk? Why are you going to do this? I knew I was going to have those questions

and I responded by saying, this is something that means a lot to me. And sometimes they would laugh at that, sometimes they would make fun of that. And I would just say, okay, I would move on with it because I realized it didn't affect my life, it didn't affect my decision. And that's what I've realized

that winning an argument with your family doesn't solve anything. It doesn't solve what's happening in the real world and therefore allowing yourself just the space to not have to make your holidays a place of debate, create so much peace and declutter's the mind. And the final thing I wanna say is make sure you take some time to reflect. This is one of the things that's often avoided until the first of January.

I'm going to do an amazing episode in the next couple of weeks about how to reflect during this time and I really, truly hope that you'll make time for that because you've done some amazing things this year. You have achieved some incredible things this year and I want you to take a moment to truly honor how far you've come. Thank you so much for tuning in to today's episode. It means the world to me to have this time with you, and I cannot wait. I cannot wait to see you again next week. Thanks everyone. Take care. Bye. What if you could tell the whole truth about your life, including all those tender and visible things we don't usually talk about? I'm Megan Devine.

Host of the podcast, it's okay that you're not okay. Look everyone's at least a little bit not okay these days, and all those things we don't usually talk about, maybe we should. This season I'm joined by Stellar Gas like Abbermote, Rachel Cargol, and so many more. It's okay that you're not okay. New episodes each and every Monday, available on the iHeartRadio app or wherever you listen to podcasts. The world of chocolate has been turned upside down.

A very unusual situation. You saw the stacks of cash in her office. Chocolate comes from the cacao tree. And recently, Variety's cacao, thought to have been lost centuries ago, were rediscovered in the Amazon. There is no chocolate on Earth like this. Now some chocolate makers are racing,

deep into the jungle, to find the next game-changing chocolate. And I'm coming along. OK, that was a very large crack it up. Listen to the obsessions while chocolate on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcast. I am Yumla Van Zant and I'll be your host for The R Spot. Each week listeners will call me live to discuss their relationship issues. Nothing will tear a relationship down faster than two people with no vision. Does your all are just flopping around like fish out of water?

Mommy, Daddy, your ex, I'll be talking about those things and so much more. Check out the R-Spot on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Check out the R-Spot on the iHeart Video app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to podcasts.