On Purpose with Jay Shetty - 4 Types of Negative People & 3 Ways to Deal With Them

Episode Date: April 6, 2019

We all have friends that we love but are absolutely draining to talk to. Every time they call you, you know exactly what you’re in for.  No matter how hard we try to optimize for the optimistic, negative people will always be a part of each of our lives and that’s okay.  In this episode, we take a look at the 4 different types of negative people and 3 ways to proactively deal with them.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

I'm Eva Longoria. And I'm Maite Gomes-Rajon. We're so excited to introduce you to our new podcast, Hungry For History! On every episode, we're exploring some of our favorite dishes, ingredients, beverages from our Mexican culture. We'll share personal memories and family stories, decode culinary customs, and even provide a recipe or two

for you to try at home. Listen to Hungry For History on the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hi, I'm David Eagleman. I have a new podcast called Inner Cosmos on I Heart. I'm going to explore the relationship between our brains and our experiences by tackling unusual questions.

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so I followed her into the train yard. This is what it sounds like inside the box car. And into the city of the rails. There I found a surprising world, so brutal and beautiful that it changed me. But the rails do that to everyone. There is another world out there. And if you want to play with the devil,

you're going to find them there in the rail yard. Undenail Morton, come with me to find out what waits for us in the city of the rails. Listen to the city of the rails, on the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Or cityoftherails.com. If you surround yourself with negative people, you'll start to see the world more negatively.

Welcome back to On Purpose, the place that you find your purpose from people living and finding theirs. This is the place where you get to uncover your potential, your ideas, your passion, and start making progress towards your greatest goals and a happier life. I'm so grateful to each and every one of you that subscribed, rated, and reviewed already. Thank you so much for doing that. If you haven't, please make sure you do. And I love the fact that you're listening every single week. When you're doing this while you're commuting to work or back from work, whether you're doing this at the gym or maybe you're making time for it,

while you're doing some work on the side, whichever way it may be, maybe you're walking your dog, whatever you're up to, tuning in your mind into purpose, fulfillment, meaning is going to help you in so many ways. Thank you so much for making this commitment. I can't wait for you to listen to this episode. Now, we all have friends that we love, but are absolutely draining to talk to. You know what I mean. Every time they call, you know exactly what you're in for. Event

session. And that can last hours and hours and hours about everything that's wrong, everything that's messed up, everything that's unfair. And you're still wondering to yourself, why do you pick up that call? Why do you respond to that message? Now, sometimes they're talking about issues at work. Sometimes it's about their girlfriend or boyfriend. And sometimes it's just about how nothing seems to ever go right for them. Now don't get me wrong. I know all of us who are compassionate

and empathetic want to help, want to support. Maybe you've tried introducing them to books you love, people you love, classes, courses, programs. But we find time and time again that a lot of people around us avoid solutions, avoid focusing on trying to get better and continue to dive into the negativity. And now these people may be dumping their challenges on you without wanting a solution or maybe even worse, they're causing drama and issues in your life. It's one thing when people are negative

in and of themselves. It's a totally different thing when they're bringing that negativity into your space. It's so important to understand how to deal with negative people, because the detrimental effects on the brain and the mind are staggering. No matter how positive a person you are, negative people can affect your life unless you take the right precautions.

And this is one of the biggest challenges that we see. We're all surrounded by negative people, whether it's in our family, whether it's in our friends, whether it's in the workplace, and we've never been trained, never been taught how to deal with it, how to heal through it. We've never been taught what to do with those feelings, and so a lot of us end up carrying weight that's not ours to carry, and start feeling heavy, start feeling like it's a burden,

start feeling it's frustrated. How many of you have ever been in that position where you looked at some of the weight you were carrying and realized, wait a minute, where did this come from? It's not even mine. I didn't even create this. And so it's so important that we understand how to deal with other people's baggage that they're putting on to us. Imagine you were about to board a plane, you were getting on and you were told you had to carry all these bags at the same time. How much more different would that make your journey? Now let's say it wasn't a flight, let's say you were hiking. And when you were hiking, everyone around you, not only were struggling, struggling is fine but were negative about the struggle. We're asking you to carry their struggle. Imagine

how difficult it would be. This is often what happens in our lives. We're asking you to carry their struggle. Imagine how difficult it would be. This is often what happens in our lives. It's very easy to say yes, we should just help people. It's very easy to say just distance yourself. So today's podcast is how to deal with these things effectively, because the effects are drastic. Research has shown that even a small amount of negative brain activity can lead to a weakened immune system making you more prone to illness. Negative attitudes can also affect your intelligence and ability to think. According to Dr. Travis Bradbury, negativity compromises the effectiveness of the neurons in the hippocampus,

an important area of the brain responsible for reasoning and memory. So the point being, it's very easy to just discard negativity or tell yourself to get over it. But if we don't effectively deal with it, it can lead to many more situations and issues in our own lives. When you hold an idea in your mind, shared by people around you, your brain rewards you by triggering a release of dopamine. When you disagree with people around you, your brain sees that as a threat and triggers

feelings of pain. This happens even when the idea is negative and doesn't serve you. How many times have you been in a situation where someone's talking about gossip, but you're really trying not to. How many times have you been in a scenario where someone's talking bad about someone you know, you love, you care about, and you don't want to be there? How many times have you been in a situation where someone's talking about a particular time, a place, an event that you actually have no animosity towards?

So what happens in these scenarios is that when you're around negative people, your brain is going to incentivize you to be more like them. Think about this carefully. Your brain is trying to protect you, but the way it protects you is making you more like the people you're around so that it doesn't have to deal with conflict, so that it doesn't have to deal with conflict, so that it doesn't have to deal with a debate, so that it doesn't have to deal with a disagreement. Our brain is constantly trying to move away from that and towards cohesion. But that means you can become cohesive in negativity. That means you can start collaborating

with negativity. That means you can start creating negativity yourself. It is as contagious as a cold. It's not something we should just disregard or not think about or count as insignificant. It's something we should recognize can have a huge impact in our lives. We perceive what people around us perceive. The same goes with positive and negative people.

In the 1950s Solomon Ash, a psychologist, asked a group of volunteers to guess the length of a vertical black line on a plain white card. Now, you may have seen this exercise before, maybe you've seen it in a book, or maybe you've seen it on a video. If you haven't, let me explain what it was about. All you were shown was a vertical line on a blank piece of white card. Each person was asked to guess the length and the results were really interesting. Each person's guess depended on the people they were surrounded by.

If a person was surrounded by people who overestimated the length, they would do exactly the same. Someone who is around people who underestimated the length also did exactly the same. This is also known as groupthink bias. It's when there's a majority opinion around something that acts as a bias on our own mind. Think of a moment in your own life where group think bias has affected you. Also known as confirmation bias, we seek information that confirms our own beliefs. We do this online, we do this in our social circles, we do this at events.

And sometimes this can be positive. If our circles are open-minded, if our circles are progressive, if our circles are around developmentminded, if our circles are progressive, if our circles are around development, this can be great. But if our circles are always looking at negativity, gossip, conflict, then that's exactly what we start creating in our life. People literally saw the line differently depending on who they were around.

And the implications of this are enormous. If you surround yourself with negative people, you'll start to see the world more negatively. It's just the way it is, group think bias and confirmation bias are real biases of the mind that we build up. And the best way to not let them grow is to constantly keep ourselves in check, questioning our belief, questioning our values and not questioning them in a debating way, but questioning them in a way to refine them, to renew enthusiasm around them, to grow them. Now, throughout my time working in the corporate world, being in relationships and now being an entrepreneur, I've found that there are generally four types of negative people that

we all come across. And I believe it's highly important to know which ones you're facing and coming across to know how to deal with them. It's so important that we recognize the similarities and the differences, the patterns, so that we're able to conduct ourselves and behave in a way that benefits us and ultimately benefits that person as well. So these are the four types of negative people that have seen that have come across. Now remember negativity isn't a person, it's a trait. It's not that that person is a negative person.

It's never that a person can be labeled fully negative. That person is just clouded over. That person is just covered over over. That person is just covered over by negativity at that time. Just like the sun is always there, but somehow covered in clouds. People's positive best energy is always there. It's sometimes just deeply buried in clouds. So we have to recognize that point. Now, these are the four types of negative people that we come across. The first is the Venter, always complaining, always expressing their hopelessness for situations, and never looking for a solution. Someone who just wants to talk about their challenges, barely asks you about your life,

barely gets to know what's up with you. The second type of negative person is called the victim. They always feel the world is against them. No one supports them. Nothing is their fault. And they don't want to take responsibility for anything. They blame everyone else for what's happening in their life. They look at the faults and flaws of everyone else

for what decisions they're making. Everything is always about what others are doing to them as opposed to what they're doing about it. And bear in mind, while I'm guiding you through these four, recognize that we all express these emotions. There are moments where we have also had these negative tendencies and we can work through them and some of us have worked through them. The third type of negative person,

which I do believe is quite rare, but we do come across, is the vicious type. Someone who's envious, potentially manipulative, and who genuinely wants to take others down, who actually has that belief system. Now, I do believe that this isn't many people, but we find them everywhere dotted around where people are going through so much pain themselves that they want to bring others down.

And the fourth and final type of negative person is violent. Someone who is violent, abusive, maybe physically or with their words, and these people should be avoided at this time. The damage they can do to us is far greater than the other three, and therefore we have to be careful around them. So these are the four, these of negative people, ventors, victims, vicious, and violent. And often with all of these, distance is better. But more often than not, this is just not possible. This could be a family member, it could be a close friend in your circle, or even a work colleague.

How many of you feel that you're able to genuinely reflect and think about which of these negative people you have in your life? Think about it right now. If you know someone at work, think about which of the four Vs they are. If you know someone in your family, think of the four Vs they are.

And if you know someone in your friends group, recognize it because it's going to help you understand where they're coming from better. A more practical approach to dealing with them is to start by understanding the reasons for their negativity. I'm Jay Shetty and on my podcast on purpose, I've had the honor to sit down with some of the most incredible hearts and minds on the planet. Oprah, everything that has happened to you can also be a strength builder for you if you allow it.

Kobe Bryant. The results don't really matter. It's the figuring out that matters. Kevin Haw. It's not about us as a generation at this point. It's about us trying our best to create change. Luminous Hamilton. That's for me been taking that moment for yourself each day, being kind to yourself, because

I think for a long time I wasn't kind to myself. And many, many more. If you're attached to knowing, you don't have a capacity to learn. On this podcast, you get to hear the raw, real-life stories behind their journeys and the tools they used, the books they read, and the people that made a difference in their lives so that they can make a difference in hours. Listen to on-purpose with Jay Shetty on the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Join the journey soon. In the 1680s, a feisty opera singer burned down a nunnery and stole away with her secret lover. In 1810, a pirate queen negotiated her cruiseway to total freedom, with all their loot. During World War II, a flirtatious gambling double agent helped keep D-Day a secret from the Germans. What do these stories have in common? They're all about real women who were left out of your history books. If you're tired of missing out, check out the Womanica podcast, a daily women's history podcast highlighting women you may not have heard of, but definitely should know about.

I'm your host Jenny Kaplan, and for me, diving into these stories is the best part of my day. I learned something new about women from around the world and leaf-healing amazed, inspired, and sometimes shocked. Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. A good way to learn about a place is to talk to the people that live there. There's just this sexy vibe and Montreal, this pulse, this energy. But what has been seen as a very snotty city,

people call it Bos Angeles. New Orleans is a town that never forgets its pay. A great way to get to know a place is to get invited to a dinner party. Hi, I'm Brendan Francis Newton and not lost as my new travel podcast where a friend and I go places, see the sights, and try to finagle our way into a dinner party.

We're kind of trying to get invited to a dinner party. It doesn't always work out. I would love that, but I have like a Cholala who is aggressive towards strangers. I love the dogs. We learn about the places we're visiting, yes, but we also learn about ourselves. I don't spend as much time thinking about

how I'm gonna die alone when I'm traveling, but I get to travel with someone I love. Oh, see, I love you too. And also, we get to eat as much... I've never been here since I've been here since I've been here since I've been here since I've been here since I've been here since I've been here since I've been here since I've been here since I've been here since I've been here since I've been here since I've been here since I've been here since I've been here since I've been here since I've been here since I've been here since I've been here since I've been here since I've been here since I've been here since I've been here since I've been here since I've been here since I've been here since I've been here since I've been here since I've been here since I've been here since I've been here since I've been here since I've been here since I've been here since I've been here since I've been here since I've been here since I've been here since I've been here since I've been here since I've been here since I've been here since I've been here since I've been here since I've been here since I've been here since I've been here since I've been here since I've been here since I've been here since I've been here since I've been here since I've been here since I've been here since I've been here since I've been here since I've been here since I've been here since I've been here since I've been here since I've been here since I've been here since I've been here since I've been here since I've been here since I've been here since I've been here since I've been here since I've been here since I've been here since I've been here since I've been here since I've been here since I've been here since I've been here since I've been here since I've been here since Almost all negativity has its roots in one of the three deep-seated fears. So these are the three biggest fears that most negative people feel in their life. And when we recognize which fear it is, we're also better at understanding it. See, before putting someone in their place, we need to put ourselves in their place. We need to walk a mile in someone's shoes

to really empathize and understand where they're coming from. It's why so often many of us don't understand people going through anxiety, stress, or pressure or depression. But when we go through it, we recognize that it's a real emotion, it's a real thing. So here are the three deep-seated fears that most negative people come across. Number one, the fear of being disrespected by others and we all experience this. How many of us really don't like being disrespected by anyone, whether they're disrespecting us in their words,

maybe they're making jokes about us, very few people enjoy disrespect, but most people fear disrespect from others. The second type of fear is not being loved by others. This is a really hard one to deal with for people. Not only are they scared of being disrespected, they scared no one really understands them and no one really knows them. And therefore no one really loves them. And the third type of fear is that bad things

are always going to happen. These fears feed off each other to fuel the belief that the world is a dangerous place and people are generally mean. And remember, it's less about you and more about them. So when people bring their negativity towards us, it's not a reflection of you, it's often a reflection of what they're going through.

And we can understand people even further. The more aware we are of their specific type of pain and fear, we can also make sure that we don't trigger that. When we were monks, we were always trained in speaking in such a way that didn't agitate the minds of others. That didn't cause pressure or stress to others. So we could actually be careful and aware of our speech, our language, our choice of words. And when you do that and become more conscious with other people, you become more conscious

with yourself. When you talk to other people with love, compassion, space, and understanding, you speak to yourself with all of that as well. So one of the things we can send some be more aware of is people with a thin skin. We all know what it means to be thick skined and the opposite of that is being thin skinned. This is when people take others' comments

and completely spin what they're meant to mean. If someone says to them, hey, you look good today, they interpret it as, you mean I didn't look good yesterday? So no matter what positive statement you make, I'm like, oh wow, you're looking much better now. They don't look at the positive statement that's being made. They're reflecting it and inverting it to what it could mean about the previous stage. We all know someone like

that and we can be aware of that when speaking to them. The second is judgmentalism. It's where you judge someone because they don't have an opinion and you judge them because you do have an opinion. A lot of people, it's hard to be around them because they'll judge you either way. And this is where distance again comes is a very important point because you struggle with how to active and you end up being neutral around that person. The other type of person is someone who has a demanding nature. Even though they realize their own abilities are limited, they put pressure on close others to succeed and make them proud and not let them down. It's people who message you and say, oh, you never have time for me, even though they're

busy as well. The fourth time is pessimism or the tendency to believe that the future is bleak, thus for example, negative people can more readily think of ways in which an important sales call will go badly than well. So that's a workplace example. Another one is risk a version, especially in social settings. This leads to reluctance to divulge any information that could be used against them, leading ultimately to boring conversations and superficial relationships. And finally, the need to control others, especially close others' behaviours. For example, negative people have strong preferences on where their partners spend time, who they

are friends with, what they should do. Just raising your awareness about these different types of negativity will help you apply the three principles I'm about to share with you. Just raising your awareness about these different types of negativity will help you apply the three principles I'm about to share with you. When you put these three things to the test, it's really important that you start from a place of awareness so you know how to apply them. So this is the first thing that you can do. I recommend to anyone. You're never going to be able to avoid all the negativity in your life. From those that you can distance yourself, you can move away from do it. It's good for you.

You wouldn't walk into a zone in the world that was infested with illness, that was contagious. You would just not do it in an area that you knew had a virus. You wouldn't just walk in unprotected. Why do we do that with our lives and negativity? It can have the same effect. So rule number one is have a one to three ratio in your life. For every negative person in your life, make sure you have three uplifting positive people.

It's so important that you have a tribe, you have a squad, you have a group of people that constantly uplift you and grow you. I've realized when I've reflected in the success areas of my life or our experience happiness, I've constantly be surrounded by people who are better than me, who are further ahead than me, who are happier than me, who are more spiritual than me, and that has helped me grow when you're in that environment, you're forced to improve. It's like when you're playing a sport or even a subject at school, if you're always surrounded by people who are not as good as you, that brings down your standard.

Even if you start with people that are all higher than you, you're forced to raise your standard. So even though at the beginning it feels tough to be behind and tough to be the last, it pushes you to grow. Have a one to three ratio in your life. Think really closely about any of the negative people you have in your space and whether you have a one to three ratio of the positive people in that space. The second thing I love is the rule of one.

Listen to me carefully. One of the biggest mistakes we make is we think we need to divide up our time and energy equally. We spend an equal amount of time with negative people as positive people, hoping somehow that that positive time is going to cancel out the negative time.

It just doesn't work like that. You can't just cancel out the negative time. And therefore, the rule of one is making sure that you're giving the right amount of energy and time according to someone's energy in your life. So the way I dissect this is one hour people, one day people, one week people, and one month people. Who are the people in your life

that the most amount of time you can spend with them is an hour. And you're listening to that saying, Jay, I think some people are just a minute. Make them a one minute person. Who in your life is a one minute person, Who in your life is a one minute person, a one hour person, a one day person, or a one week person, or a one month person?

Recognizing that you can reduce negativity even if you can't completely remove it. Reduce negativity even if you can't remove it. So we're so focused on saying, oh my God, I need to get this negativity out of my life. I need to remove it, but I can't remove it. So we're so focused on saying, oh my God, I need to get this negativity out my life. I need to remove it, but I can't reduce it when you can't remove it. Focus on recognizing whether someone is a one hour, one day, one week, or one month person, and give them that much a lot of time in your life. Make sure it doesn't go over that amount of time so that it doesn't spill over into your world.

doesn't go over that amount of time so that it doesn't spill over into your world. The third thing to recognize is you can listen but not put any energy in. We get drained, not just by listening, but by actively trying to be problem solvers and fixes. And then we get upset when people don't live our advice. We get more frustrated and disheartened because we feel we put so much energy into that person and they didn't learn. But that comes from our ego, that comes from our desire to be someone who can save people, who can help people, who can solve people's problems. And therefore, when we give advice and they don't follow it, we're more upset because we think our advice was so powerful. You can remove that ego by simply listening, being there for that person,

and not getting involved in actively trying to see it as your responsibility to solve it. The only way it becomes your responsibility to solve it is when you're in a good place, you want to help that person, and you have the time, energy, and mind space to do that. One of my favorite analogies when it comes to helping people, and this is when I teach often, is that of a drowning person. If you see someone drowning in

the ocean, you may be a decent swimmer, but if you're not a lifeguard, chances are when you go out there, that person's not going to act in the way they would if you had a training class in a swimming pool. If someone is drowning and scared of drowning, they're going to panic, they're going to stress, and they're going to feel lots of pressure. So when you go out to save them, if you're not a trained lifeguard, chances are that person is going to pull you down with them because you won't know how they're going to react. This is the same as negative energy. Someone who is dealing with negative energy is like drowning in water and when you go to help them, you often get pulled down with them.

Now, if you were a trained lifeguard, you may have the skills, the techniques and the tools to actually go and save that person depending on the amount of danger they're in. But if you're not, what you do have is the ability to introduce that person, two things and people and ideas that can help them. Sometimes the best thing you can do is get out of your own way and get out of their way. We put too much pressure and burden on ourselves to be the problem solvers and the fixes because it makes us feel better about ourselves. But sometimes there's someone else, something else.

It could be as simple as a podcast or an audio book, it could be as simple as a video that can actually speak to that person in their language, that can speak to someone where they are, not where you are. So when it comes to dealing with negative people, the first thing to remember is that remember, no one is a negative person. They have a negative tendency.

So I know throughout this podcast, I've referred to them as negative people, but that's what I mean when I say that. The second thing is becoming super aware of what type of negativity you're dealing with. Some require direct distance. When it comes to vicious or violent, both physically or verbally. That's something you do want a distance from. And if you can't, you don't want to apply these three principles. The one to three ratio, the rule of one, and finally recognizing that sometimes it's not about you making the change in their life. Sometimes it's not about you making that difference. Thank you so much for listening to today's podcast. I hope it was useful. Make sure you

go and post your best learnings on Instagram or Facebook on Twitter. I love seeing them. I love responding. I repost a ton of them. Make sure you've subscribed, rated and reviewed. It genuinely means so much to me and make sure you're sharing on purpose with lots more people. Imagine we had a world where everyone knew their purpose and lived their passion to serve others. Imagine what an incredible world that would be. I'll speak to you guys next week. Thank you so much. See you soon.

Thank you so much for listening through to the end of that episode. I hope you're going to share this all across social media. Let people know that you're subscribed to on purpose. Let me know. Post it. Tell me what a difference it's making in your life. I would love to see your thoughts. I can't wait for this incredibly conscious community we're creating of purposeful people.

You're now a part of the tribe, a part of the squad. Thank you for being here. I can't wait to share the next episode with you. I'm Jay Shetty and on my podcast on purpose, I've had the honor to sit down with some of the most incredible hearts and minds on the planet. Oprah, Kobe Bryant, Kevin Hart, Lewis Hamilton, and many, many more. On this podcast, you get to hear the raw, real-life stories behind their journeys and the tools they used, the books they read, and the people that made a difference in their lives so that they can make a difference in hours. Listen to on-purpose with Jay Shetty on the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever

you get your podcasts. Join the journey soon. Conquer your New Year's resolution to be more productive with the Before Breakfast podcast. In each bite-sized daily episode, time management and productivity expert, Laura Vandercam, teaches you how to make the most of your time, both at work and at home. These are the practical suggestions you need

to get more done with your day. Just as lifting weights keeps our bodies strong as we age, learning new skills is the mental equivalent of pumping iron. Listen to Before Breakfast on the I Heart Radio app, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hi, I'm Brendan Francis Nuneum, I'm a journalist, a wanderer, and a bit of a bon vivant, but mostly a human just trying to figure out what it's all about. And not lost is my new podcast about all those things.

It's a travel show where each week I go with a friend to a new place and to really understand it, try to get invited to a local's house for dinner, where kind of trying to get invited to a dinner party, it doesn't always work out. Ooh, I have to get back to you. Listen to not lost on the iHeart radio app or wherever you get your podcasts. Listen to not lost on the iHeart radio app or wherever you get your podcasts.