On Purpose with Jay Shetty - 4 Ways to Implement Mental Health in Relationships & How to Know When It’s Time To Seek Therapy

Episode Date: November 13, 2020

If you are curious about how life’s relationships affect your mental health, tune in to this episode of ON Purpose to hear Lori Gottlieb, psychiatrist and author, and Jay Shetty share wisdom on ment...al health and relationships. Check out the full episode to learn more about the dangers of negative self-talk, how the influence of the people you surround yourself affects you daily, when you should seek therapy, and misconceptions surrounding mental health.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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Starting point is 00:00:30 podcasts. I am Dr. Romani and I am back with season 2 of my podcast, Navigating Narcissism. This season we dive deeper into highlighting red flags and spotting a narcissist before they spot you. Each week you'll hear stories from survivors who have navigated through toxic relationships, gaslighting, love bombing, and their process of healing. Listen to navigating narcissism on the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. The world of chocolate has been turned upside down.
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Starting point is 00:01:23 and I'm coming along. OK, that was a very large cracker down. deep into the jungle to find the next game-changing chocolate, and I'm coming along. Listen to the obsessions, it's wild chocolate, on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcast. Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose, the number on health podcast in the world. Thanks to each and every one of you. Now today what you're going to hear is a conversation between me and Laurie Gottlieb. Now she's been a family and relationship therapist for decades and she was also a guest
Starting point is 00:02:02 on the show. But today we have a conversation about mental health and relationships. So if you've been having any relationship issues lately, if you feel like you're spending more time with your partner than ever before because of lockdown, if you feel like you need to understand how to manage your mental health in relationships,
Starting point is 00:02:21 and know when therapy is right for you, when coaching is right for you, then this is the conversation you want to listen to. I think you're going to really enjoy this one. Let me know what you learn from it. Tag me and Laurie on Instagram. I can't wait for you to listen to this conversation. Hey Instagram, welcome to day two of our online mental health festival, Hill, which is all about helping elevate awareness and learning about mental health. Mental health day, world mental health day was the Saturday that just went and I thought to myself, why just talk about mental health for one day?
Starting point is 00:03:02 Let's talk about it for a whole week. So every single day I'm jumping on with my friends to talk to you about yesterday we had the incredible Miguel and today we have some of an incredible expert, the one and only Laurie Gottlieb. If you've not read her book maybe you should talk to someone, please check it out and I'm going to bring her on her health. But I'm excited for day two to talk about mental health and relationships. So thank you so much for day two to talk about mental health and relationships. So thank you so much for being here. Just waiting for Laurie to connect. Hey Laurie, how's it going?
Starting point is 00:03:31 Hi, how are you? I'm really good. I'm really good. Thank you so much for tuning in. Of course. It's so good to see you again. And everyone, this is my amazing friend, Laurie Gottlieb, who's an incredible, incredible psychiatrist, and has an amazing book called, Maybe You Should Talk To Someone. If you've not read it, I highly recommend it.
Starting point is 00:03:51 We had Laurie on the podcast. Her episode was one of our most popular episodes this year, so I highly recommend listening to it. But Laurie, thank you for doing this for us. And this week. My pleasure. Happy to chat with you. And this week was all about, you know, obviously Saturday was World Mental Health Day.
Starting point is 00:04:09 Yeah. And I really wanted to do something, but what I realized was I was like, well, why are we talking about mental health just for just one day? We should talk about it every day. And we should be thinking about this every day. And you've been working, and what I love about your expertise is you've been working with people in relationships, couples, individuals for decades now. And what I love about that is sometimes relationships have such a big, important impact on our mental health.
Starting point is 00:04:39 And so why don't you start up by just telling the community here what you've been doing in your career and how that is linked to mental health. I think that would be really useful for everyone in the background. Yeah, well I think like you, I mean my mission is really to help people to focus on their emotional health and to realize it's important, right? And so what I really want to do is a therapist is to democratize therapy. I want to bring it to everybody so that everybody
Starting point is 00:05:05 has it accessible to them. So through my book, maybe you should talk to someone through my weekly column at the Atlantic, your therapist, through my podcast, the therapist podcast, through my TED talk. I just like you, I just want to make people aware of how important this is and to give them tools because a lot of people will say, okay, I know that it's important, but what do I do? What steps do I take? And when you talk about relationship, I think that's one of the first things. Is one of the first things I say to people when they come
Starting point is 00:05:33 into me is, how is your life people? Who are the people in your life? And what is the quality of those relationships? I love that. I love that. And yes, if you don't listen to Laurie's podcast as well, I highly recommend it dear therapist. But the part of that that I want to start with Laurie is, and I love that question you said, like, you know, who are the people in your life? How do people,
Starting point is 00:05:58 you know, I think this is the number one question I always get asked is, Jay, I'm just surrounded by negative people and, you know, how do I create a distance from them? I live with them. What do you have to say to people who come at it from that perspective and feel that, what is the kind of journey that a therapist takes you on when that's the thing that you're hearing? Yeah, so first of all,
Starting point is 00:06:18 the people that we surround ourselves is so important because what is contagious as mood? So if there is, if you're surrounded by people who are always talking about negative things, who are always bringing you down, who always when you talk to them, you feel worse than before you talk to them, right?
Starting point is 00:06:35 Or just people who are always looking at bad things, not only about themselves, the world, but about other people, right? You are going to start acting that way. You won't even notice it. It's a slow transition. things, not only about themselves, the world, but about other people. You are going to start acting that way. You won't even notice it. It's a slow transition. And all of a sudden, you've become a negative person.
Starting point is 00:06:52 And so I'm not saying, like, always look on the bright side and just pretend nothing is wrong in the world. What I'm saying is that people who are making a difference in the world and who are taking care of their emotional health and those two go hand in hand because purpose, like you say in your book title, in your subtitle, purpose is really important. So if you think about it, what can you, if you don't like something
Starting point is 00:07:14 that's going on instead of complaining about it, what are you doing to take action about it? Whether it's something in your own life, like I'm anxious or I'm depressed, what are you doing to get help for that? If there's something in your relationship that's not working, how are you talking to that person about it? What are you doing to make it better?
Starting point is 00:07:31 If there's something in the greater world that you feel like that's not fair, I want to change that. How are you getting involved in a positive way? So I think that when you're surrounded by people like that, that motivates you to act in that way too. Yeah, that's great advice. That's really, really great advice. It's about being really conscious about who's around us, being really intentional about who's around us. And I think sometimes feel the people feel the pressure because they're like, well, Jay, I married them or they're my mom
Starting point is 00:08:01 or they're my dad. What do I do about that? What would you have said that was someone goes, oh, but they're in my space. They're literally some of my closest family. A lot of times people feel trapped. They feel like helpless. I can't do anything. But the thing is we have choices all the time. So what can you do when someone's being negative around you? Do you need to stay on the call? You know, like, you know, what do you want to do in that moment? It's kind of like when you think about, we talk a lot about protecting our physical immune systems right now with the coronavirus, for example. You have to protect your psychological immune system too. If you let these toxins in, you are going to break down and get psychologically ill.
Starting point is 00:08:40 What do you do? You're on the phone with a family member or you're talking to a family member and they're being really negative. You know, you can change the subject. You can talk about something else. You can say, you know what, I really got to go, let's talk later. You know, there are all kinds of things that you can do. And if you have a certain relationship with that person, you can also say to them, you know what, I noticed that when we talk, there's a lot of stuff that you focus on that is negative. And I acknowledge that these things are real and true. But what can we do? Let's have a different kind of conversation about it. So you're talking about these things that aren't working. Maybe I can help you. Maybe we can brainstorm together about how to make things better. Now, sometimes you deal with a help rejecting complainer. Help rejecting complainers are the people
Starting point is 00:09:26 who you give them suggestions and they say, no, that won't work because or no, I can do that because we all know those people. We've actually been those people, right? But you know those people because every time you try to suggest a way out of the negativity, they reject it. They are getting something out of being negative. You don't have to join them. That is being negative. You don't have to join them.
Starting point is 00:09:45 That is great advice. You don't have to join them. I love that. And you're right. All of us have the opportunity to leave a room, to put down our phone, to say we have to go, to do it in a respectful way that raises red flags. Now, what about the step further, sometimes, Lauren? I'm sure you hear this in the deepest ways. And I completely appreciate that we're very simplifying things for an Instagram conversation, because if you were working with someone, you would ask them a series of questions
Starting point is 00:10:15 to really dissect what this was. So I appreciate that you're working with me to do Instagram therapy, right? But if you think about it, the point of view when someone goes, well, actually, Jair, realize that it's not even the people that are negative in my life. Like, a negative towards myself.
Starting point is 00:10:33 Like, it's not even the noise, like, someone has been afraid of me, J, it's not even the noise outside me. It's the noise inside me that's bringing me down. Right, sometimes the most toxic thing is the internalized voice inside of ourselves. Most of us are so unkind to ourselves, so negative about ourselves. So you know it's interesting I I am I'm always asking people you know who's the person that you talk to most in the course of your life and most
Starting point is 00:10:58 people think it's their partners, their parents, their siblings, their best friends. No, we talk to ourselves more than we talk to anybody else and we can be so unkind and not only unkind, but what we say is so untrue, right? We'll criticize ourselves. You know, oh, you're so stupid. Oh, you'll never get that. Oh, you're not good enough for this. Oh, you look terrible today.
Starting point is 00:11:17 You know, we just insult ourselves throughout the day without even noticing it and we allow ourselves to be incredibly cruel to ourselves. We allow it. And so when we talk about mental health and I'm so glad, and like you said, you know, mental, it's not mental health day or mental health week, it's mental health all the time. We have to be aware of this voice and say, wait a minute. Why am I inviting this voice into my head?
Starting point is 00:11:42 Why would I allow someone to talk to me like that? And above all, why would I allow myself to talk to myself like that? Because I know on some level that this is not true. Yeah. Because if this were true, everybody else would think this about me too. My friends don't think I'm stupid. My friends don't think I'm ugly. My friends don't think that I'm not good enough.
Starting point is 00:12:02 Yeah, I love that. I love that. That's really beautiful. It's really interesting. It's so funny. I love that. I love that. That's really beautiful. It's really interesting. It's so funny. You said that. I said that to someone on a keynote. Yeah, they asked people to write down
Starting point is 00:12:11 who they think is the person they talk to the most. And I asked them to write down who they think they have the best conversations with and the worst conversations with and people always think of other people and not themselves. So I love that you mentioned that. And I love that we're speaking about self-talk because a lot of people think that self-talk makes them crazy and a lot of people think that in terms of like we don't realize we're always talking to ourselves. Right. And when someone says,
Starting point is 00:12:35 oh you should talk to yourself, that's weird. That's like you know it's kind of a bit woo-woo but it's it's not because we're doing it anyway but tell us about when do you know you need to see a therapist or get therapy Like what are the signs for someone because I feel no one ever talks about that. How do you know? Well, they don't they don't talk about that and it's funny because if you said to somebody What are the signs that you should go see a doctor for something like physical ailment? Well, the sign is something doesn't feel right. Yeah, something feels off Something feels off in your body. You say I I'm going to go get this checked out, right? So nobody questions that. But people say, well, what do you do when something feels off emotionally? Well, you go and you get help for it, right?
Starting point is 00:13:13 But I think that there's some reason that people think that it has to be really, really, really bad. You know, you have to be like emotionally dying before you go see a therapist, whereas people don't think that it's kind of like if you broke your arm Nobody's saying like oh, but I don't have cancer. So I it's not bad enough. I'm not gonna go to the doctor and get cast Yeah, that's what we do with our emotional health. We say well, yeah, I'm anxious or I'm feeling sad or I can't really function well I'm having trouble in my relationships, but it's not that bad compared to whatever people compare it to. So I'm not gonna get help for this. And then people come to my office
Starting point is 00:13:50 when they're having the equivalent of an emotional heart attack. Like they are really, really in crisis. And at that point, they've suffered unnecessarily for a long time and it's harder to treat because you could have come when it was just beginning, right? And so I think that a lot of people say, well, it's a sign of weakness that I have to go get help for this.
Starting point is 00:14:10 Nobody says it's a sign of weakness to go get a cast for your arm. And so I say it's a sign of strength because what happens is when you say, I want to go get help for this, you're saying, I value myself. And I value the lives of the people around me too, because our emotional health affects the emotional health of everybody around us. Our 20s are seen as this golden decade. Our time to be carefree, full in love, make mistakes, and decide what we want from our
Starting point is 00:14:38 life. But what can psychology really teach us about this decade? I'm Gemma Speg, the host of the Psychology of Your 20s. Each week we take a deep dive into a unique aspect of our 20s, from career anxiety, mental health, heartbreak, money, friendships, and much more to explore the science and the psychology behind our experiences, incredible guests, fascinating topics, important science, and a bit of my own personal experience. Audrey, I honestly have no idea what's going on with my life.
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Starting point is 00:15:45 versions of ourselves. Here, we have the conversations that help black women dig a little deeper into the most impactful relationships in our lives, those with our parents, our partners, our children, our friends, and most importantly, ourselves. We chat about things like what to do when a friendship ends, how to know when it's time to break up with your therapist, and how to end the cycle of perfectionism. I'm your host, Dr. Joy Harden Bradford, a licensed psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia, and I can't wait for you to join the conversation every Wednesday.
Starting point is 00:16:24 Listen to the Therapy for Black Girls Podcast on the I Heart radio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your podcast. Take good care. Hey, it's Debbie Brown. And my podcast deeply well is a soft place to land on your wellness journey. I hold conscious conversations with leaders and radical healers and wellness and mental health around topics that are meant to expand and support you on your journey.
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Starting point is 00:17:42 Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Big love, namaste. I love that example of like, if you injured your arm and you need a cast, you can go, oh, well, I don't have cancer. And I think sometimes with our mind, we kind of keep pushing it, like postponing it and delaying it.
Starting point is 00:18:00 And then like you said, people are walking in with a real panic attack or a genuine plea because we've just let it build so much. What about someone who has someone in their life who's always told them that mental health is not real? Or I'm sure you've faced that, Lario. You know, someone's just like, it's all in your mind. Don't worry about it. Like, you will be fine. Or, you know, oh yeah, there's a bit of that, not skepticism about therapy, but I mean, like,
Starting point is 00:18:26 people don't really, I feel like a lot of people don't understand that mental health is real. People are like, oh, I don't need mental health, I've been fine my whole life. So, like, you know, I'm okay. How have you helped people deal with people who have that in their life? You know, it's really interesting.
Starting point is 00:18:40 I think that people have that misconception because people aren't talking about going to therapy. So if you see the people who seem the most functional, right? So the people who are the most successful, the people who are really doing things in the world and in meaningful ways and they feel whole, right? Everywhere I went on book tour for maybe to talk to someone before I went on stage, the person who was interviewing me and these were like celebrities and people who were extremely successful in all realms of the world, they would say, you know what? I just want to let you know that I'm in therapy. I may or may not talk about it during our conversation. And inevitably they did, but, and everybody was like, really, that person's in therapy.
Starting point is 00:19:18 And I think that changes the mindset about, you know, whether this is real or not, whether it can really help or not. So there's that. And then I also think that, it's important that people understand that depression is real, okay? Exhidity is real. Grief and loss are real. They aren't just like you can just flick the switch
Starting point is 00:19:39 and something happens just like if you have diabetes, you need insulin, right? So, these are real phenomena, and I think that for people who don't understand it's a matter of education. It's to show them an article about it, just send them a link to something, right? Send them something that shows other people's experiences. And I would say ultimately at the end of the day, nobody gets to live your life for you. So if you are struggling, go get help. It doesn't matter what other people think
Starting point is 00:20:07 because they aren't living your life. Why do you want to suffer based on what somebody else says about whether what you're experiencing meets some kind of threshold for them? You know in your place of knowing that you need help, go get help. Please don't wait. How do you actually go about finding the right therapist for you? Affordability is one thing, but do you actually go about finding the right therapist for you?
Starting point is 00:20:25 Affordability is one thing, but the other thing is just finding the right person because again that's another relationship, right? It is a relationship and it's not like going to the dentist, right? It's, you know, this is a relationship where you're coming in, you are showing the truth of who you are, you are taking off the mask, you are doing, you know, all of the things that I think are very hard to do Which is to be authentic, be vulnerable and also be accountable because you know You're going to be asked to really look at yourself and and you're gonna be shown a lot of choices that you think you don't have
Starting point is 00:20:55 But you're gonna have to act on them And so I think the relationship and the trust in that relationship is so important So what I always say to people about finding a therapist is that first of all, ask somebody, right? So you can always ask someone, don't ask the person who doesn't, who you don't feel like they have their life together. The person who's always like, yeah, I go to therapy and basically they haven't changed up.
Starting point is 00:21:19 Look at the person who's like, wow, that person's really changed. Wow, I've seen that person really shift. I've seen some transformation in this person. Seeing that person, what's, wow, that person's really changed. Wow, I've seen that person really shift. I've seen some transformation in this person. See in that person, what's going on with you? Do you have a therapist band you chance, right? That's the person who's going to, if they, you know, have a therapist, we'll share it with you. If they don't want to share their therapist with you, their therapist can often give you a good referral. So a lot of times, my patients will say to me, my friend wants to go to therapy, who can I refer them
Starting point is 00:21:44 to and I will give them a good referral. So word of mouth is great in that way. You can go on psychology today online and look up therapist and you can see different things about them. But ultimately remember this, that when you go in for a first session, so you say you find someone they look good online or somebody gave you a recommendation, when you go in, it's a consultation. And you're there to see, how do I feel?
Starting point is 00:22:06 Check in with yourself. How do I feel talking to this person? Do I feel understood? Do I feel like this person is asking the right questions? Do I feel comfortable in this space? It's a vibe. And if you do feel good, go back for a second session. And it'll take you a few sessions to really get a sense
Starting point is 00:22:22 of how do I feel with this person. And at that point, you'll know whether it's the right person. And if it's not, here's my suggestion. Don't ghost the person. Say to the person, hey, for whatever reason, I'm not sure I'm just not feeling like maybe this is the right thing. And you talk about it with the person and we welcome those conversations. And what's great about the therapy room is we are, it's the one place one place I think where you can talk about literally anything and it is safe.
Starting point is 00:22:48 And the therapist will probably say, hey, why don't you try this colleague? Or here's a suggestion for you or here's what I notice and that feedback will be so good for you and it teaches you out in the world. How do you have a hard conversation? That's brilliant. That's such great advice and it really has to be personal. It really has to be someone that that you connect with and going back a few questions. I was also going to say to everyone like what Laurie said and they just triggered in my mind is you know hearing people talk about their mental health journey helps people that may be skeptical and on on purpose on our podcast and I'm sure Laurie's got several stories as well. She shares, but even in her book where she gives examples of people, we've had so many people on on purpose, the podcast
Starting point is 00:23:30 talk about their mental health journeys. And people say that to their friend and send in, they're like, oh my gosh, I never realized this celebrity or this musician or this person has had this. That's a really great way. And one of the other things that I'm seeing pop out from your guys' questions that I want to ask Laurie here, where's it going? There we go. So this was really a great point. America goes, people sometimes associate having therapy with failing at life.
Starting point is 00:23:57 I completely agree. Like we see it as a witness when actually it's actually good training. And I just want to address that for a second like if you have a therapist that does not mean you are failing at life right and when you're surprised that someone's in therapy it means you only think you take therapy if things are going really wrong that's not the case as we've been addressing therapy is for you to stay proactive about your mental well-being whatever your therapy practice is,
Starting point is 00:24:25 whether it's with a therapist or doing online therapy or whatever way in which you are able to find it for yourself, being in therapy is not a weakness or a failure. In one way to look at it, I think, is therapy is like getting a really good second opinion on your life from someone who isn't in your life. And every other realm, we will get a second opinion, right? We will say, oh, hey, I wanna know about this or what do you think about this from people that we respect
Starting point is 00:24:50 And so I think the thing about therapy is that we all have blind spots and you can talk to your friends about things But often your friends have blind spots about you because they're so close to you And when you go to a therapist you have someone who can see you in a way that maybe other people can't they will hold up a mirror to you and when you go to a therapist you have someone who can see you in a way that maybe other people can't. They will hold up a mirror to you in a compassionate way, but also in a way that's going to help you see something that you haven't seen. So a lot of times we're stuck in these patterns. And what a therapist will do is say, here's this pattern that it affects your personal life,
Starting point is 00:25:19 your professional life, your internal life, right? And when you understand that pattern, everything opens up. So that's why the people who are doing the best in life are people who often have been to therapy. I'm Danny Shapiro, host of Family Secrets. It's hard to believe we're entering our eighth season. And yet, we're constantly discovering new secrets. The depths of them, the variety of them, continues to be astonishing. I can't wait to share 10 incredible stories with you, stories of tenacity, resilience, and the profoundly necessary excavation of long-held family secrets. When I realized this is not just happening to me, this is who and what I am. I needed her to help me. Something was annoying at me that I couldn't put my finger on,
Starting point is 00:26:09 that I just felt somehow that there was a piece missing. Why not restart? Look at all the things that were going wrong. I hope you'll join me and my extraordinary guests for this new season of Family Secrets. Listen to season eight of Family Secrets. Listen to season 8 of Family Secrets on the iHeart Radio app Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. A good way to learn about a place is to talk to the people that live there.
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Starting point is 00:27:05 I would love that, but I have like a Cholala who is aggressive towards strangers. I love you dogs. We learn about the places we're visiting, yes, but we also learn about ourselves. I don't spend as much time thinking about how I'm going to die alone when I'm traveling, but I get to travel with someone I love. Oh, see, I love you too. And also, we get to eat as much air as it's here. I love you too. Mike's a lot of therapy goes behind that. You're so white, I love it. Listen to not lost on the iHeart Radio app
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Starting point is 00:28:22 hence the name the burritos. Listen to Hungary for history with Ivalongoria and Maite Gomez Rejón as part of the Michael Tura podcast network available on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, when you think a couple should go to therapy together because that's obviously been a huge part of your work.
Starting point is 00:28:41 And I feel like you know what I've seen when I, obviously I'm a coach, so I do coaching, which is obviously very different from therapy. But when I'm coaching someone and if I'm recommending them to go to therapy, often what happens is like one person in the relationship wants to go to a therapist and the other or you've seen this a million times. So what are you doing in that situation? When is the right time for a couple to go to therapy? And when you have one person wants to go to the therapist, the other person doesn't, how do you manage that? So when people want to come to therapy
Starting point is 00:29:15 and often you're right, it's the case that maybe sometimes one person does and the other person is, the reason the other person does want to come is because of fear. They're worried that if we go in and start talking about our relationship, we're going to find things because of fear. They're worried that if we go in and start talking about our relationship, we're going to find things wrong with it. Right. And the opposite actually happens if you go in and start talking about your relationship,
Starting point is 00:29:32 it's going to get stronger. The infrastructure, the foundation, the ways of communicating, the ways of getting through the hard things because they're always hard things. You learn a new way to talk to each other, you learn a new way to see each other, you learn a new way to see yourself, you get rid of the projections of, oh this person did that because, well you don't know why they did it. But if you come to therapy, you find out, whoa, I'm making up a lot of stories in my head
Starting point is 00:29:54 about my partner that just aren't true. You learn about gratitude, you learn about appreciation, you learn about kindness, you learn about generosity. So we don't get taught this growing up. And so what happens is people get into relationships and they think, well, it should just all go smoothly. We should never have any difficulty. And then they have difficulty and they get worried,
Starting point is 00:30:13 uh-oh, what does this mean? So go to therapy, learn about yourselves, learn about each other, and your relationship will be stronger. What I do when somebody is worried about it is I say, which of the person who's worried about it, what is your goal for coming in? What do you want to accomplish here? Right? And the person will say, well, I want, you know, this, I want things to go more smoothly. Well, then I will talk to them about what they can do personally to make that happen. And
Starting point is 00:30:37 usually they'll come in for the first session. And once they get there and they see that it's not a session about arguing, but it's a session about really love and coming together. They love it and they wanna come back. Yeah, and that's what I love about all these practices is that it also gets you to the truth quicker. Yes. Even if the answer is that you may have to go your separate ways and that's just your truth,
Starting point is 00:31:01 that's a better answer than falsely forcing yourself to stay without having had the therapy, right? Like in the sense of, it's a better answer than falsely forcing yourself to stay without having had the therapy, right? Like in the sense of, it's not that, it's not about saving something that doesn't work. It's about being honest and helping both people be honest. Yeah, and I will say there's this misconception that couples therapy is about for people on the last leg. That's not, a lot of people will come to me as they're about to get married. And they're completely in love and they're saying, we just want to learn the skills of,
Starting point is 00:31:30 how do we talk about the hard things in life? How do we talk about money and in-laws and sex? And who's gonna work and who's gonna take care of the kids? And all of these things that people don't know how to talk about, how can we be more vulnerable with each other? How can we be more supportive of each other? How can we be more supportive of each other? So they want to go in from a place of strength.
Starting point is 00:31:49 And you're right, there's some relationships that get to a place where it's not viable. And what happens is people pretend that they don't need someone to help them with that. And they could go a decade or more, living miserably, when it would be so much better as painful as it is to say, let's talk about the truth of what's going on between us, and maybe we won't get these 10 years back in life, we only get one life.
Starting point is 00:32:13 So let's make sure that we're even as painful as it is, let's make sure that we're doing what's right for both of us. I love that, Laurie. For the last question, what is your one tip for mental health for people today that they can practice your one takeaway for what you recommend for people to do today as part of this week of mental health that we're doing? I would say the one thing is what we touched on earlier, which is when you notice yourself being unkind to yourself, I want you to give yourself a compliment.
Starting point is 00:32:41 And I don't mean a fake compliment. I want you to really appreciate how well you're doing today because no matter what you're not getting done, no matter what things you wish you had done differently, no matter what you think you've, failed at today, you've done one good thing. I'm sure, or one thing that has been helpful. And I would say, even if the one thing is,
Starting point is 00:33:01 I'm gonna turn it around and be kind to myself right now. Give yourself credit for stopping yourself from being cruel to yourself and just being kind to yourself right now. That in itself is an accomplishment. I love that. Amazing. Thank you so much, Laurie. If anyone who doesn't follow Laurie, please don't follow her. This is going to live on my IGTV as well. So if you've enjoyed this conversation, you can watch it back, you can share it with a friend. If there's been any advice in here, and please, please, please, go and share our Laurie's book. Maybe you should talk to someone.
Starting point is 00:33:30 It's amazing. And of course, go and listen to our podcast, and you'll find all of that when you go and follow her in Sreb. Laurie, thank you for doing this. Thank you, Jay. Have a great day. I love doing stuff with you,
Starting point is 00:33:41 and I love that we've been doing so much together recently. And I- We're coming on our podcast. We're excited. Yes. And I'm so looking forward to just seeing you again after all this. I really want to catch up with you. So thank you as always for everything and I hope you enjoyed this too.
Starting point is 00:33:59 Hey everyone, thank you so much for listening to this conversation. I hope you found it as insightful as I did and you picked up some really actionable takeaways that you can practice in your life moving forward. Make sure you tag me in lorry on instagram to let us know what you learned and what you took away and I thank you so much for being part of the on purpose community. Thank you so much, have an awesome, awesome week and don't forget to look out for episodes next Monday and next Friday. This podcast was produced by Dust Light Productions. Our executive producer from
Starting point is 00:34:35 Dust Light is Misha Yusuf. Our senior producer is Juliana Bradley. Our associate producer is Jacqueline Castillo. Valentino Rivera is our engineer. Our music is from Blue Dot Sessions and special thanks to Rachel Garcia, the dust light development and operations coordinator. I am Yomla Van Zant, and I'll be your host for The R-Spot. Each week listeners will call me live to discuss their relationship issues.
Starting point is 00:35:11 Nothing will tear a relationship down faster than two people with no vision. Does y'all are just flopping around like fish out of water? Mommy, daddy, your ex, I'll be talking about those things and so much more Check out the our spot on the iHeart video app Apple podcasts or wherever you listen to podcasts Hi, I'm David Eagleman. I have a new podcast called inner cosmos on iHeart I'm going to explore the relationship between our brains and our experiences by tackling unusual questions. Like, can we create new senses for humans? So join me weekly to uncover how your brain steers your behavior, your perception, and your
Starting point is 00:35:57 reality. Listen to Intercosmos with David Eagelman on the I Heart Radio app Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Danny Shapiro, host of Family Secrets. It's hard to believe we're entering our eighth season, and yet we're constantly discovering new secrets. The variety of them continues to be astonishing. I can't wait to share ten incredible stories with you, stories of tenacity, resilience, and the profoundly necessary excavation
Starting point is 00:36:27 of long-held family secrets. Listen to season eight of Family Secrets on the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

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