On Purpose with Jay Shetty - 4 Ways to Know if It Is Time To End Your Relationship (When the Signs Are Not Clear and Things are Not Bad)

Episode Date: April 19, 2024

Do you find yourself often thinking about breaking up? Do you and your partner have unresolved conflicts that keep resurfacing? In this episode, Jay tackles the tough emotions and uncertainty many face when considering a breakup. He talks about why people stay in or leave relationships, touching on key factors like emotional closeness, personal investment, and the impact of family responsibilities. Jay also discusses how to ensure emotional security and the risks of staying for financial reasons or out of obligation.  In this episode you’ll learn: How to recognize emotional investment How to assess emotional security How to consider financial implications How to navigate emotional intimacy This honest conversation provides you with the insights to evaluate your relationship more clearly, helping you decide whether to work on it or move on, based on a deeper understanding of your feelings and the relationship's dynamics. With Love and Gratitude, Jay Shetty What We Discuss: 00:00 Intro 01:10 When to End Your Relationship 04:48 10 Reason Why People Stay in a Relationship 12:44 Top 10 Reasons to Leave Your Relationship 18:14 The Three Cancers of the Mind 24:44 Difference in Scorecard PerspectiveSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hi friends, I'm Danielle Robay. And I'm Simone Voice. And we're here to introduce you to The Bright Side, a new kind of daily podcast that's guaranteed to light up your day. Every weekday, we're bringing you conversations about culture, the latest trends, inspiration, and so much more. We'll hear from celebrities, authors, experts, and listeners like you. Whether it's relationships, friend advice, or figuring out how to navigate life's transitions,

big and small, we'll talk through it together. Listen to The Bright Side from Hello Sunshine every weekday on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Discover a new educational and interactive podcast, Stories for Kids by Lingo Kids. Our episodes are packed with fun activities, right Elliot? Yes, we went shape hunting around the block and

we found spheres and cubes on the street. That was great fun. Join Stories for Kids, the Lingo Kids podcast, inspiring you to learn while having fun. Listen to Stories for Kids on the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Yeah! For all the parents out there, picture that it's bedtime.

You and the kids have been busy all day. You know they're tired, but for some reason, they just won't go to sleep. And for this reason, I created the podcast, Bedtime History. Bedtime History is a series of relaxing history stories that end with an inspirational message. With over 2,000 positive parent reviews, Bedtime History is one of the top education podcasts. Join me and listen to Bedtime History every Monday and Thursday on iHeartRadio app, Apple

podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. We make up then we break up. We make up then we break up. We make up then we break up. We make up, then we break up. We make up, then we break up. You're always thinking about breaking up. You're always thinking about how to break up, but you don't know how. I think a lot of us are scared to break up

because of what it means. It means loneliness. It means weekends and evenings alone. It means having that uncomfortable, awkward conversation that we don't want to have. The number one health and wellness podcast. Jay Shetty. Jay Shetty.

The one, the only Jay Shetty. Hey everyone, welcome back to UnPurpose, the place you come to listen, learn and grow. Thank you to everyone who subscribed. Thanks to everyone who's left to review. It's incredible to have our community continue to grow. If you haven't already, make sure you've downloaded all the latest episode because I don't want you to miss out

on any of our amazing conversations or solos. We've had some phenomenal guests lately, so many more coming up. Make sure you don't miss out. Now today's episode is all about the ways to know if it's time to end your relationship. Now, sometimes it's not as clear. Sometimes it's not that bad.

Sometimes it's not the end of the world yet. And often we'll find that people in our life, and maybe even you have had moments where you end a relationship and then you realize it ended 12 months ago. It ended 24 months ago.

Right. How many times have you left a job, left a relationship, maybe even a friendship? And then when you reflected on it, you realize, wait a minute, that was over such a long time ago. And I've just wasted time. This is to help you get that head start.

It's to help you save time. This episode is dedicated to anyone who's been going back and forth in their mind thinking, I deserve better. Am I settling? Is this the right person for me? How do I know? Now I wanna start by saying one thing. I think today, because we live in a world

of what seems like infinite choice and what seems like available love, I think we actually make bad decisions, right? The studies have always shown that the more choice we have, the less good our decisions are as humans. We struggle to pick cereal in the cereal aisle. We struggle to pick the right pickle or whatever else it may be because we're exposed to so many choices.

And now that the dating world has caught up with the consumer world, that's the same experience we have. We all believe there's plenty more fish in the sea. We believe that there's someone else who tick nine out of ten boxes. If someone that we currently are with is seven out of ten. And so a lot of us don't think about building, growing relationships. We think about finding and discovering and that language in and of itself is such a big challenge, right? When you're thinking I'm going to find my person,

I'm just going to find them, they're going to be ready-made, they're going to be as they are, rather than the truth that we're probably going to have to build with someone or grow with someone. with someone or grow with someone. See, the truth is relationships get harder, not easier. People put in less effort, not more. People get lazier, not smarter. And people change. They rarely stay the same. So knowing that this is the reality of relationships,

when we want to be in a long-term committed, loyal relationship, what we're saying is I'm willing to build, I'm willing to grow, and I'm willing to learn. That's actually what we're signing up for and I think the reason why so many of us want to move is because we feel we're not building anymore, we're not growing anymore, we're not learning anymore, we never did. And so today I want to move is because we feel we're not building anymore. We're not growing anymore. We're not learning anymore. We never did. And so today I want to answer that question.

Is it really time to leave? Do you have real reason to leave and move on? Or is it really just a part of us that doesn't want to put in the effort? We just want to enjoy the six months honeymoon period. We just want to enjoy the good times, but we're not really ready for a long-term committed, loyal relationship. Now, I was looking at a study and researchers asked people, considering whether to end their relationship, what factors someone in their shoes

might weigh when making the decision. Respondents came up with a number of reasons which researchers classified into 50 common themes. But here are the top 10 pros and cons people suggested. So these were the top 10 reasons people said that they would stay in a relationship. Number one, emotional intimacy. If you felt emotional intimacy, then that was a good reason to stay. Now let's talk about what emotional intimacy is. Emotional

intimacy, I also describe often as emotional availability. When you want to share your feelings, when you want to share your thoughts, is the other person available? Are they able to listen, recognize, understand and comprehend what you're feeling? Intimacy emotionally is a sense of closeness. You feel like the other person gets you and understands you. Now, of course, not all the time and not when they're under stress and not when there's lots of other stuff going on,

but overall you feel that they get you. They understand you. They're willing to go there with you emotionally. The second reason to stay was emotional investment. Notice how the word emotional has already come up twice out of two in a list of 10. Are you feeling emotionally invested in this relationship? Do you feel like the person cares about how you feel? This is one of the most important questions.

about how you feel. This is one of the most important questions. Does this person care about how you feel? Right? Do they care that you feel good or feel bad? Do they care that you're struggling or you're doing well? And a lot of the times we don't ask this question, do we care? Are we always the one trying to get this person to change

and be different or do we have the capacity also to emotionally invest in them? The third reason people said to stay was family duty. Now this one's a tough one because everyone has different values around this. I recently had a great conversation with Dr. Daniel Amon around how to raise children and the scientific reasons as to whether people should stay

together or move apart. And what was very, very clear was all about the quality of the relationship. I think one thing we don't recognize is I often say to people that life is shorter than you think, but longer than you think as well, right? It's shorter in the sense that we need to make the most of our time, but it's longer when you don't make the most of your time and now you're in a bad position

for 10, 20, 30 years. So family duty is a double-edged sword. Number four, reasons to say. Partner's personality. Do you actually like them or are you always trying to mold them? Are you always trying to shift them? Are you always wanting them to be better? What is your partner's personality like? Are you always thinking oh gosh I wish they didn't say that in that public setting? Are you always feeling awkward or

uncomfortable around them in their behavior towards you and others? Or is that something you always knew and it was quirky and something you liked about them? Number five is enjoyment. Notice how as relationships grow, enjoyment has gone down. Right, having a good time would have been top of the pile back in the day, but now it's halfway through.

Now a lot of people think that's because the spark's gone, a lot of people think that's because it's not fun anymore. The truth is that long-term relationships give us very different things from short-term relationships. Long-term relationships give us that emotional intimacy, that emotional investment. And what number six is emotional security. That becomes far more meaningful and valuable to us as individuals, as relationships grow. Now, I'm not saying that you can't still have enjoyment or have fun. Of course you can. But what I'm saying is that different things become more important as time goes on. When you're emotionally secure,

you feel that the other person won't use your emotional expression against you. That's what emotional security means. You feel that the secrets you've shared, the flaws you've shown, the issues, concerns that you've raised will not be used against you. If you feel that they're going to be used against you, that means you feel emotionally insecure. You don't trust that someone actually values what you're experiencing and

going through. Now, I want to draw a line here because I think for a lot of us, a lot of us can feel that but then our partners may actually say something like but I don't know where you got that from right I'm not I'm not sure I feel like I'm showing you that we're emotionally secure. We have to really differentiate between whether what we're feeling is based on a past insecurity or whether it's based on a present insecurity. Listen to this carefully. Is your emotional insecurity based on past experiences or is it based on this individual? The way to understand this is to ask yourself the question

has this person done things independent of what I've been through in the past that have made me feel emotionally insecure? Or actually, do I have an insecurity that I have been carrying from relationship to relationship to relationship that continues to have a strong hold in my life? Number seven is physical intimacy.

Feeling like there still is a space to explore that, to express that, there's an excitement from both sides. Number eight reason to stay was financial benefits. This is something that's unspoken about, but marriage and relationships were built on the idea that it would be easier to rent a bigger space together. It would be easier to split the cost of the grocery bill. Right. There were financial needs that needed to be met.

Number nine is compatibility and number 10 is concern for partner. Right. Do you feel a sense of concern? Now that one again can be a double-edged sword because I know a lot of people that have spoken to who felt that they were staying in the relationship because it positively benefited their partner even if it negatively affected them.

So you think if I leave this relationship, that person's gonna fall apart. But you're falling apart in the relationship, trying to keep them together. Think about that for a second. So often you stay in a relationship because you don't want someone else to fall apart. Not realizing that you're falling apart

while you're trying to keep them together. If're falling apart while you're trying to keep them together, if you fall apart while you're trying to keep someone else together, then it's a losing battle. And so sometimes your concern for your partner can be false compassion. Right, false compassion is this belief that we can solve, fix, figure out someone else's problems and that if we're in their life, then they'll be OK. Even if that means we're not OK. And I know people right now who are going through breakups and divorces who've tried to do that for 10 years. And the sad and most horrific part of it is that the people have been negatively

affected at them. The Therapy for Black Girls podcast is an NAACP and Webby award-winning podcast dedicated to all things mental health, personal development, and all of the small decisions we can make to become the best possible versions of ourselves. Here, we have the conversations that help Black women decipher how their past informed who they are today and use that information to decide who they want to be moving forward. We chat about things like how to establish routines that center self-care, what burnout looks and feels like, and defining what aspects of our lives are making us happy and what

parts are holding us back. I'm your host, Dr. Joy Harden Bradford, a licensed psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia. And I can't wait for you to join the conversation every Wednesday. Listen to the Therapy for Black Girls podcast on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Take good care and we'll see you there. wherever you get your podcast. Take good care and we'll see you there. Tune into the new podcast, Stories from the Village of Nothing Much. Like easy listening, but for fiction.

If you've overdosed on bad news, we invite you into a world where the glimmers of goodness in everyday life are all around you. I'm Catherine Nicolai, and you might know me from the Bedtime Story podcast, Nothing Much Happens. I'm an architect of Cozy, and I invite you to come spend some time where everyone is welcome and kindness is the default. When you tune in, you'll hear stories about bakeries and walks in the woods. A favorite booth at the diner on a blustery autumn day.

Cats and dogs and rescued goats and donkeys. Old houses, book shops, beaches where kites fly and pretty stones are found. I have so many stories to tell you, and they are all designed to help you feel good and feel connected to what is good in the world. Listen, relax, enjoy. Listen to stories from the village of nothing much on the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. When you find that bright spot

to help you get through your day, it's powerful. That's where the bright side comes in. A new daily podcast from Hello Sunshine that's bringing you a daily dose of joy. I'm Danielle Robay. And I'm Simone Boyce. Listen, both Danielle and I are reporters. We've covered the news and we know the world can feel heavy.

But the Bright Side podcast is a space to have a little fun, to learn something new and get into some friendly debates. That's right. Join us five days a week to see how life can look from the bright side. We'll hear from celebrities, authors, experts and listeners like you. Whether it's relationships, friend advice or figuring out how to navigate life's transitions, we'll talk through it all together. Listen to The Bright Side from Hello Sunshine every weekday on the iHeart Radio app,

Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. Now in this same study the top 10 reasons to leave, listen to this, this is what people considering whether to end their relationship, these were the top 10 reasons they gave to leave. I'm hoping that as you're hearing this you're not on your own. I'm hoping that as you're listening you're thinking gosh that is why I'm staying and that's a good reason or that is why I'm hoping that as you're listening, you're thinking, gosh, that is why I'm staying. And that's a good reason. Or that is why I'm staying. And I'm not sure that that may be not the best reason to stay, because the truth is it's a subjective choice. It's not about whether I think it's good for you to leave or move on.

It's important for you to weigh up what's valuable to you. Some of you may be able to live a life of complete sacrifice and feel that that's your value and that's okay and some of you will think I don't want to sacrifice any more time on this, I need to move. So reasons to leave top 10. The first one was partner's personality. If you didn't like your partner's personality, it was time to leave. It was time to move on it was time to leave. It was time to move on because that's a personality that you'll be living with for a long time. Number two pretty obvious one, breach of trust felt like a good enough reason to leave. I think that this one what's important is recognizing whether you're willing to live with the consequences of the breach of trust or

whether you can't, whether you're willing to forgive and move on and not keep making it an important factor or whether you're saying to yourself no this was make or break for me. Third a reason to leave was partner withdrawal. This one's a hard one again to gauge but an important one to note. Sometimes we see our partner's disinterest and apathy as withdrawal. And the truth is, everyone is kind of going in that direction. The more time you spend with someone, it's likely that there is an apathy. There's a neutrality that develops over time and

really what it is is comfort. We get comfortable with someone and therefore we get apathetic, we get neutral, we become disinterested. What do we have for dinner? Whatever you want. Should we fix the shed or the garage? Oh yeah, whatever you want. There's a kind of like, oh I don't care about that and because someone doesn't care about something, that doesn't mean they don't care about us. But what we've started to say is that I care about this. I care about redecorating the house.

I care about fixing this part of the home, whatever it may be. And if you don't care about it, then you don't care about me. What we've done is we've outsourced how we see caring for us. And the problem with that is someone could very well say to you, no, I do care about you. I just don't care about that. And I think it's really important that we reintegrate ourselves into our definition of care. How does someone behave with us? How does someone care about us as opposed to the things

that we care about as a priority of how they show care for us? Is there another way they can show care? Is there another way they do show care? Number four was an external reason. Number five was physical distance, ready reasons to leave. Number six was conflict. I think if you're fighting

again and again and again, if it's always back and forth, that's a reason to leave. I think a lot of people also go through this period of we make up then we break up, we make up then we break up, we make up then we break up. You're always thinking about breaking up, you're always thinking about how to break up but you don't know how. That's a good reason to leave. I think a lot of us are scared to break up because of what it means. It means loneliness. It means weekends and evenings alone. It means. Having that uncomfortable, awkward conversation

that we don't want to have, right? All of these. Conflicts and the conflict we're feeling in our mind can be a good reason to leave. Number eight was emotional distance. Number nine was lack of validation. This one's a big one. I think a lot of people, the more and more people I meet,

I've realized most people don't get validated at work or at home. And all of us want validation, but we're scared to ask for it. It's a really interesting paradox, right? We all want to get validated. We're a bit nervous to ask for it because it makes us look weak. And no one ever gets validated. So what I want you to do with the validation point

is I want you to take an opportunity to validate your partner, to validate that person for something genuine. I think sometimes we also validate on like superficial flattery and that never lands with that person. We validate on something really arbitrary and random and it just doesn't land with that person. I want you to validate them for something really meaningful, something that was important to them. And I want you to see if you can start building that validation culture inside your relationship.

I think it's really important to build a validation culture and system in your relationship, but you often have to lead it. And it has to be around something genuine and sincere. And number 10 reason to leave was lack of financial benefits. Now, I want to break down for you a couple of ways to know whether it's time to leave or whether there's still room to work on something. I remember learning during my time as a monk about the three cancers of the mind and we were taught that they were complaining, comparing and criticizing. And I found that these three are very true in a relationship.

We feel like leaving a relationship when there's a lot of complaining, comparing and criticizing. Complaining is like you never do this. You always do that. You're never around. You're never around. You're always late. And often we complain to people who are not even our partners. Right. You've got friends over for dinner and they say, oh, yeah, what time does

Jeff usually get home? Oh, we don't talk about that in this house. We don't talk about that in this house. Right. Complaining. It's almost passive aggressive. And what that does is it chips away. Complaining chips away. Venting to each other is fine.

And the question I want to ask you is, can you grow from complaining to communicating? So instead of using passive aggressive statements to tell your partner how you feel, Could you take a moment and say, I feel that when you come home late, it makes me feel this way. But I wanted to understand why you choose to come home late or what's your reasoning for coming home late?

What's your reasoning for working hard? Recognizing that maybe that's their identity. Maybe that's conditioning they have. Often when we feel we're healed, we think we can see other people's conditioning, but we can't see the way we feel is our conditioning. So I often ask couples, can you move from complaining to communicating? If we continue to complain, we just keep pushing each other further and further away. Right. When you see the dishes aren't done,

you don't say to the maid, can you get the dishes done today? Because you've said that too many times. It now becomes you wait a week and then you go, well, the dishes are always left there. It's complaining. How do we communicate? How do we set systems? Because sometimes we've over communicated, but we haven't created systems of how things run in the household. We haven't created commitments to overcome complaining.

Another big one for when it's time to move on is comparing. I think a lot of people live through this, but it's really hard to stomach. Oh, did you know so and so drops his kids to school every morning? Oh, did you know? Oh so drops his kids to school every morning? Oh, did you know? Oh, have you seen what she's been doing building her business?

Oh, my gosh. Oh, my God. Have you seen what he's done? Oh, look at him. He was on the front cover of that magazine or whatever it is. Right. Oh, did you see what she's been up to? Oh, my gosh. Like, yeah, she just got a promotion. Comparing.

Comparing is so painful and creates so much emotional distance because here's what you've done with comparing. When you compare your partner to someone else, you've not only made them emotionally distant from you, you've made them feel emotionally distant from the person you compare them with, they now start to dislike that person. So you've now created an emotional distance from them there. And of course, when you're comparing them, they're now feeling distant from you. And the question is, can you collaborate?

Is there still room to collaborate? Can you say to your partner, hey, you know what, I know that this is your goal. Can I help you with it? Hey, you know, this is something I'm struggling with. Can you help me with it? Hey, can we collaborate? Because when we're comparing, what we're saying is someone else is collaborating better.

Can we use language that motivates, inspires, and encourages our partners rather than degrades, makes them feel downtrodden, makes them feel disrespected. So much of our language with our partners is demanding, degrading and disrespectful. How is someone going to change if you're being demanding, disrespectful or degrading? I don't understand which human psychology that works in. So instead of comparing, comparing is the lowest form of disrespect. It makes someone else feel small, makes someone else, you know, feel big,

which makes them feel you like that person, whether you like them sexually or intimately. It makes them feel like you find someone else attractive. Comparing if it's ongoing, repetitive, and especially if it gets very disrespectful, is a reason for people to leave. Now, criticizing, criticizing is. Something that has many different levels, there's banter and then there's real criticism and there's criticism that you believe. And I would encourage you all to ask, is there room to celebrate your partner?

Is there something worth celebrating in them? Now I'm not saying any of this is to make you overcome or ignore toxic behavior by a partner. If you're experiencing a toxic behavior pattern, if you're experiencing a repetitive pattern, this isn't about you thinking you can solve it or making better. It's asking you the question is there room for celebration or has the criticism gone too far? It's time to leave when you don't respect their values and they don't respect yours. What that means is if you want them to change, if you're thinking

if they change I can stay with them, if you're thinking, if they change, I can stay with them. If you're thinking, if they don't change, then I can't be with them, then it's time to leave. Because chances are they are that person. Now, of course they change. People grow and change all the time. But if you're asking for a big change, like they're not ambitious, you want them to be driven. They're super organized and career driven

and you want them to be laid back. Often we want our partners to be the exact opposites of who they are. If you want your partner to be the exact opposite of who they are, ask yourself, could you be the exact opposite of who you are? Could you change 180? Your behaviors, your patterns, your actions, your values, your goals, could you change them? If you're career driven, could you completely let go of them?

If you're laid back, could you get really focused and driven? We wanna be with people that respect our values. And we need to be people who respect their values. Now I want to give you one last tool that I think will be really helpful. Often in our relationships what we do is we like to keep score. I clean the dishes last three nights in a row. I took the trash out every time for the last month. I drop the kids to school every single day. Right. We keep this score. And the interesting thing is our score is based on our scorecard.

So if your scorecard is money, I pay all the bills, then that's the scorecard you use. Now, if your partner's scorecard is family, which I consider to be more emotional, then they're measuring it on that scorecard. And if you've really got to a point, I don't like keeping score, but sometimes this activity has been really helpful for people I've tested it with, expand your scorecard. The scorecard is now not only financial,

it's physical, mental, financial, emotional, spiritual. Ask yourself in your relationship who is leading the way in different parts of the relationship. Physically who takes care of the home? Physically who takes care of the groceries? Physically who takes care of the kids and the home? Physically, who takes care of the groceries? Physically, who takes care of the kids and the family? Physically, who is doing that physical work? Give them one point. Now mental, who is mentally supporting the relationship? Who helps you push through tough times? Who stays in a positive attitude? Who's the person who stays resilient?

Now financial, who's taking person who stays resilient now financial who's taking care of the bills now emotional who's always emotionally available who's always there who always picks up the phone who always checks in and spiritual who's guiding you spiritually who's helping you with your faith who's helping you with the practices and habits that make you feel better. Now, if you're looking at all five of these scorecards and you're doing four out of the five, fair enough. Chances are you'll find most relationships are more equally divided. And maybe there's a three over two, but what we don't recognize is. It's hard to weigh these equally, but I can honestly say that

my wife emotionally manages the relationship. She's always helping us be in the right mood. She's always creating fun energy. She always creating this beautiful space for us to live in. Physically, she creates an amazing space. It's so easy to forget these things because we're looking down a very limited lens. I really hope that this episode helps you

first not feel alone, second reflect on what you can do to not have to end this relationship. And thirdly, if you do decide to end it, gives you good reasoning, makes you feel certain and confident in your decision. Thank you so much for listening to On Purpose. Make sure you go listen to another episode with a guest or

a solo right now. Make sure you subscribe, make sure you've downloaded all the latest episodes. And remember this, I'm forever in your corner and I'm always rooting for you thank you for listening. If you love this episode you're going to love my conversation with Matthew Hussey on how to get over your ex and find true love in your relationships. People should be compassionate to themselves but extend that compassion to your future self. Because truly extending your compassion to your future self is doing something that gives him or her a shot

at a happy and a peaceful life. of daily podcasts that's guaranteed to light up your day. Every weekday, we're bringing you conversations about culture, the latest trends, inspiration, and so much more. We'll hear from celebrities, authors, experts, and listeners like you. Whether it's relationships, friend advice, or figuring out how to navigate life's transitions, big and small, we'll talk through it together.

Listen to The Bright Side from Hello Sunshine every weekday on the iHeart radio app, Apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. Parents, if you've ever experienced bedtime battles with the kids, I'm going to let you into a little secret. The Koala Moon podcast has revolutionized over 20 million bedtimes with parents like you calling it life changing and the perfect nighttime routine. With original kids bedtime over 20 million bedtimes with parents like you calling it life-changing and the perfect nighttime routine. With original kids bedtime stories and cozy sleep meditations, every episode has been specially designed to make bedtimes a

dream. Listen to Koala Moon on the iHeartRadio app, on Apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. over your dad while he gets attacked by alligators. And Paul McCartney. John and I hitchhiked to Paris. We've saved you a seat. Ruthie's Table 4. Listen to Ruthie's Table 4 on the iHeartRadio app or wherever you get your podcasts.