On Purpose with Jay Shetty - 5 Methods to Reverse External Negativity & Practice Forgiveness

Episode Date: November 6, 2020

Ever wish you could just tune out negativity? Jay Shetty shares wisdom on reducing the impact of negativity in your life in chapter two of Think Like a Monk, Train your Mind for Peace and Purpose Every Day. In this episode of ON Purpose, Shetty shares techniques you can implement in your life to reverse external and internal negativity. Get to the root of negativity by understanding its origin in yourself and those around you by tuning in.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

I'm Eva Longoria. And I'm Maite Gomes-Rajon. We're so excited to introduce you to our new podcast, Hungry For History! On every episode, we're exploring some of our favorite dishes, ingredients, beverages from our Mexican culture. We'll share personal memories and family stories, decode culinary customs, and even provide a recipe or two

for you to try at home. Listen to Hungry For History on the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Jay Shetty and on my podcast on purpose, I've had the honor to sit down with some of the most incredible hearts and minds on the planet. Oprah, Kobe Bryant, Kevin Hart, Lewis Hamilton, and many, many more. On this podcast, you get to hear the raw real-life stories behind their journeys

and the tools they used, the books they read, and the people that made a difference in their lives so that they can make a difference in hours. Listen to on-purpose with Jay Shetty on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your podcasts. Join the journey soon. What do a flirtatious gambling double agent in World War II? An opera singer who burned down an honorary to kidnap her lover, and a pirate queen who walked free with all of her spoils, haven't comment.

They're all real women who were left out of your history books. You can hear these stories and more on the Womanica podcast. Check it out on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen. So how many of you have been experiencing a lot of negativity, a lot of noise, a lot of notifications? I'm sure that's true for you. And so today I've got a little special gift for each and every single one of you. And so today I've got a little special gift for each and every single one of you. It's a free episode of chapter two of my audiobook for think like a monk. And I can't wait to share it with you. And if you enjoy it, then go and grab a copy of the book and

the audiobook at thinklikeamuncbook.com. But I really hope that this chapter and this reading in this episode helps you navigate the noise that you're experiencing in your life and train your mind for peace and purpose every day. I can't wait for you to listen to it, and I can't wait to see what you think. Thanks so much. 2. Negativity. The evil king goes hungry.

It is impossible to build one's own happiness on the unhappiness of others. Daisaku Ikeda, it is the summer after my third year of college. I returned from spending a month at the Ashram and now interning for a finance firm. I'm at lunch with a couple of my colleagues. We've grabbed sandwiches and brought them to the concrete courtyard in front of the building where low walls criss-cross the hard-scaping

and young people in suits eat speedy lunches, defrosting in the summer sun before returning to the hyper air-conditioned building. I'm a monk out of water." Did you hear about Gabe? One of my friend says in a loud whisper, the partners tore apart his presentation. That dude, another friend says, shaking his head, he's sinking fast. I flash back to a class Gorangadass taught called Cancers of the Mind, comparing complaining, criticizing. In the class, we talked about negative thought habits, including gossip. One of the exercises we did was keeping a tally of every criticism we spoke or thought. For each one, we had to write down 10 good things about the person.

It was hard. We were living together in close quarters. Issues came up, most of them petty. The average time for a monk's shower was four minutes. When there was a line at the showers, we would take bets on who was taking too long. This was the only betting we did because monks. And though the snores were relegated to their own room, sometimes new practitioners emerged and we've rated their snores on a scale of motorcycles. This monks are Vespa, that one's a Harley Davidson.

I went through the exercise due to flee noting every criticism I let slip. Next to each, I jotted down 10 positive qualities. The point of the exercise wasn't hard to figure out. Every person was more good than bad, but seeing it on the page made the ratio sink in. This helped me see my own weaknesses differently. I tended to focus on my mistakes without balancing them against my strengths. When I found myself

being self-critical, I reminded myself that I too had positive qualities. Putting my negative qualities in context helped me recognize the same ratio in myself that I am more good than bad. We talked about this feedback loop in class. When we criticize others, we can't help but notice the bad in ourselves. But when we look for the good in others, we start to see the best in ourselves too. The guy sitting next to me on the wall nudges me out of my reverie. So you think he'll last? I've lost track of what we're talking about. Who, I ask? Gabe, he shouldn't have been hired in the first place, right? Oh, I don't know, I say. Once I'd spent time in the ashram, I became very sensitive to gossip. I'd gotten

used to conversations with primarily positive energy. When I first arrived back in the world, I was awkwardly silent. I didn't want to be the morality police, but I also didn't want to participate. As the Buddha advised, do not give your attention to what others do or fail to do. Give it to what you do or fail to do. I quickly figured out to say things like, oh, I'm not sure. Or I haven't heard anything. Then I'd shift the conversation to something more positive. Did you hear they've asked Max to stay on? I'm psyched for him. Gossip has value in some situations. It helps society regulate what is acceptable behaviour and we often use it to see if others agree with

our judgments about other people's behavior and therefore our values. But there are kind of ways to negotiate these questions. More often we use gossip to put others down, which can make us feel superior to them and or bolster our status in a group. Some of my friends and colleagues stopped trying to gossip with me all together. We had real conversations instead. Some trusted me more, realizing that since I didn't gossip with them, I wouldn't gossip about them. If there were people who thought I was just plain boring, well, I have nothing bad to say about them. Negativity is everywhere. You wake up, your hair looks

terrible. Your partner complains that you're out of coffee. On the way to work, some driver who's texting makes you miss the light. The news on the radio is worse than yesterday. Your coworker whispers to you that Candice is pretending to be sick again. Every day we are assaulted by negativity. No wonder we can't help but dish it out as well as receive it. We report the aches and pains of the day rather than the small joys. We compare ourselves to our neighbors, complain about our partners,

say things about our friends behind the backs that we would never say to their faces, criticize people on social media, argue, deceive, even explode into anger. This negative chatter even takes place throughout what we might consider to be a good day. And it's not part of anyone's plan. In my experience, nobody wakes up and thinks, how can I be mean to or about other people today? Or how can I make myself feel better

by making others feel worse today? Still, negativity often comes from within. We have three core emotional needs, which I like to think of as peace, love and understanding. Thanks Nick Lowe and Elvis Costella. Negativity in conversation, emotions and actions often springs from a threat to one of the three needs a fear that bad things are going to happen loss of peace a fear of not being loved loss of love or a fear of being Disrespected loss of understanding from these fears stem all sorts of other emotions

Feeling overwhelmed insecure hurt competitivey, and so on. These negative feelings spring out of us as complaints, comparisons, and criticisms, and other negative behaviors. Think of the trolls who dive under social media dumping ill will on their target. Perhaps their fear is that they aren't respected, and they turn to trolling to feel significant, or perhaps their political beliefs are generating the fear that their world is unsafe. Or maybe they're just trying to build a following. Fear certainly doesn't motivate every troll in the world.

For another example, we all have friends who turn a catch-up phone call in Terminal Vents session describing their job, their partner, their family, what's wrong? What's unfair? What's never going to change? For these people, nothing ever seems to go right. This person may be expressing their fear that bad things are going to happen. Their core need for peace and security is threatened. Bad things do happen. In our lives, we're all victims at some point, whether we're being racially profiled or being cut off in traffic. But if we adopt a victim mentality, we're more likely to take on a sense of entitlement

and to behave selfishly. Stanford psychologists took 104 subjects and assigned them to one of two groups. One told to write a short essay about a time they were bored, and the other to write about a time when life seemed unfair or when they felt wronged or slighted by someone. Afterward, the participants were asked if they wanted to help the researchers with an easy task. Those who'd written about a time they'd been wronged were 26% less likely to help the researchers with an easy task. Those who'd written about a time they'd been wronged were 26% less likely to help the researchers. In a similar study, participants who identified with a victim mindset were not only more likely to express selfish attitudes afterward,

they were also more likely to leave behind trash and even take the experiment as pens. I'm Dr. Romani and I am back with season two of my podcast, Navigating Narcissism. Narcissists are everywhere and their toxic behavior in words can cause serious harm to your mental health. In our first season, we heard from Eileen Charlotte who was loved bomb by the Tinder swindler. The worst part is that he can only be guilty for stealing the money from me, but he cannot be guilty for the mental part he did.

And that's even way worse than the money he took. But I am here to help. As a licensed psychologist and survivor of narcissistic abuse myself, I know how to identify the narcissists in your life. Each week you will hear stories from survivors who have navigated through toxic relationships, gaslighting, love bombing, and the process of their healing from these relationships. Listen to Navigating Narcissism on the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. In the 1680s, a feisty, opera singer burned down an unnery and stole away with her secret lover.

In 1810, a pirate queen negotiated her cruiseway to total freedom, with all their loot. A pirate queen negotiated her cruiseway to total freedom, with all their loot. During World War II, a flirtatious gambling double agent helped keep D-Day a secret from the Germans. What are these stories having common? They're all about real women who were left out of your history books. If you're tired of missing out, check out the Womanica podcast, a daily women's history podcast highlighting women you may not have heard of, but definitely should know about. I'm your host, Jenny Kaplan, and for me,

diving into these stories is the best part of my day. I learned something new about women from around the world and leafyling amazed, inspired, and sometimes shocked. Listen on the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Danny Shapiro, host of Family Secrets. It's hard to believe we're entering our eighth season. And yet, we're constantly discovering new secrets.

The depths of them, the variety of them, continues to be astonishing. I can't wait to share 10 incredible stories with you, stories of tenacity, resilience, and the profoundly necessary excavation of long-held family secrets. When I realized this is not just happening to me, this is who and what I am. I needed her to help me. Something was gnawing at me that I couldn't put my finger on, that I just felt somehow that there was a piece missing.

Why not restart? Look at all the things that were going wrong. I hope you'll join me and my extraordinary guests for this new season of Family Secrets. Listen to season 8 of Family Secrets on the I Heart Radio app Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. Negativity is contagious. We're social creatures who get most of what we want in life. Peace, love, and understanding from the group we gather around us.

Our brains adjust automatically to both harmony and disagreement. We've already talked about how we unconsciously try to please others. Well, we also want to agree with others. Research has proven that most humans value social conformity so much that they'll change their own responses, even their perceptions to align with the group. Even when the group is blatantly wrong. In the 1950s Solomon Ash gathered groups of college students and told them they were doing a vision test. The catch was that in each group, everyone was an actor except one person. The subject of the test, as showed participants an image of a target line first, then of a series of three lines, one shorter, one longer, and one that was clearly the same length as

the target line. The students were asked which line matched the length of the target line. Sometimes the actors gave correct answers answers and sometimes they purposely gave incorrect answers. In each case, the real study participant answered last. The correct answer should have been obvious, but influenced by the actors, about 75% of the subjects followed the crowd to give an incorrect response at least once. This phenomenon has been called group think bias. We're wired to conform. Your brain would rather not deal with conflict and debate. It would

much prefer to lounge in the comfort of like-mindedness. That's not a bad thing if we're surrounded by say, monks. But if we're surrounded by gossip, conflict, and negativity, we start to see the world in those terms, just like the people who went against their own eyes in Ash's line experiment. The instinct for agreement has a huge impact on our lives. It is one of the reasons why, in a culture of complaint, we join the fray. And the more negativity that surrounds us, the more negative we become. We think that complaining will help us process our anger, but research confirms that even people who report feeling better after venting are still more aggressive post-cribe than people who did not engage in venting. At the Buktividan to Manor, the temple's

London outpost, there was one monk who drove me crazy. If I asked him how he was in the morning, he'd tell me about how badly he'd slept and whose fault it was. He complained that the food was bad and yet there was never enough. It was relentless verbal diarrhea, so negative that I never wanted to be around him. Then, I found myself complaining about him to the other monks. And so, I became exactly what I was criticizing. Complaining is contagious, and he passed it on to me. Studies show that negativity like mine can increase aggression toward random, uninvolved people, and that the more negative you attitude, the more likely you are to have a negative

attitude in the future. Studies also show that long-term stress, like that generated by complaining, actually shrinks your hippocampus. That's the region of your brain that affects reasoning and memory. Cortisol, the same stress hormone that takes a control on the hippocampus, also impairs your immune system, and has loads of other harmful effects. I'm not blaming every illness on negativity, but if remaining positive can prevent even one of my winter codes, I'm all for it. Types of negative people. Negative behaviors surround us so constantly that we grow accustomed

to them. Think about whether you have any of the following in your life. Complainers, like the friend on the phone, who complain endlessly without looking for solutions. Life is a problem that will be hard if not impossible to solve. Cancelers, who take a compliment and spin it. You look good today, becomes, you mean I looked bad yesterday? Casualties. Who think the world is against them and blame their problems on others? Critics. Who judge others for either having a different opinion or not having one? For any choices they've made that are different from what the critic would have done.

Commanders who realize their own limits but pressure others to succeed, they'll say, you never have time for me, even though they're busy as well. Competitors who compare themselves to others, controlling and manipulating to make themselves or their choices look better, they're in so much pain that they want to bring others down. Often we have to play down our successes around these people because we know they can't appreciate them. Controllers, who monitor and try to direct how their friends or partners spend time and with whom and what choices they make. You can have fun with this list, seeing if you can think of someone to fit

each type. But the real point of it is to help you notice and frame these behaviors when they come at you. If you put everyone into the same box of negativity, they're so annoying, you aren't any closer to deciding how to manage each relationship. On the day I moved to the Ashram with six other new monks traveling from England, they told us to think of our new home as a hospital where we were all patients. Becoming a monk, detaching from material life was not seen as an achievement in and of itself. It simply meant that we were ready to be admitted to a place of healing where we could work to overcome the illnesses of the soul that infected us

and weakened us. In a hospital, as we all know, even the doctors get sick. Nobody is immune. The senior monks reminded us that everyone had different sicknesses. Everyone was still learning, and that, just as we would not judge anyone else's health problems, we shouldn't judge someone who sin differently. Kauranga Das repeated this advice in brief metaphorical form that we often use to remind ourselves not to harbor negative thoughts toward others. Don't judge someone with a different disease.

Don't expect anyone to be perfect. Don't think you are perfect. Instead of judging negative behavior, we try to neutralize the charge or even reverse it to positive. Once you recognize a complainer isn't looking for solutions, you realize you don't have to provide them. If a commander says you're too busy for me, you can say should we find a time that works for both of us? Conquer your New Year's resolution

to be more productive with the Before Breakfast podcast. In each bite-sized daily episode, time management and productivity expert, Laura Vandercam, teaches you how to make the most of your time, both at work and at home. These are the practical suggestions you need to get more done with your day. Just as lifting weights keeps our bodies strong as we age, learning new skills is the mental equivalent of pumping iron.

Listen to Before Breakfast on the I Heart Radio app or wherever you get your podcasts. Hi, I'm David Eagleman. I have a new podcast called Inner Cosmos on I Heart. I'm a neuroscientist and an author at Stanford University, and I've spent my career exploring the three-pound universe in our heads. On my new podcast, I'm going to explore the relationship between our brains and our experiences

by tackling unusual questions, so we can better understand our lives and our realities like, does time really run in slow motion when you're in a car accident? Or, can we create new senses for humans? Or, what does dreaming have to do with the rotation of the planet? So join me weekly to uncover how your brain steers your behavior, your perception, and your reality. Listen to Intercosmos with David Eagleman on the I Heart Radio app Apple Podcasts or wherever

you get your podcasts. Our 20s are seen as this golden decade. Our time to be carefree, full in love, make mistakes, and decide what we want from our life. But what can psychology really teach us about this decade? I'm Gemma Speg, the host of the psychology of your 20s. Each week we take a deep dive into a unique aspect of our 20s. From career anxiety, mental health, heartbreak, money, friendships, and much more, to explore the science and the psychology behind our experiences, incredible guests, fascinating topics, important science, and a bit of my own personal experience. Audrey, I honestly have no idea what's going on with my life.

Honestly, I have no idea what's going on with my life. Join me as we explore what our 20s are really all about from the good, the bad, and the ugly, and listen along as we uncover how everything is psychology, including our 20s. The psychology of your 20s hosted by me, Gemma Speg, now streaming on the iHot Radio app, Apple podcasts or whatever you get your podcasts. Reverse external negativity. These categories help us step away from the negative person in order to make clear-headed decisions about our role in this situation. The monk way is to dig to the root, diagnose and clarify a situation so you can explain it simply to yourself. Let's use this approach to define strategies for dealing with negative people. Become an objective observer.

Monks lead with awareness. We approach negativity, any type of conflict, really, by taking a step back to remove ourselves from the emotional charge of the moment. Catholic monk Father Thomas Keating said, there is no commandment that says we have to be upset by the way other people treat us. The reason we are upset is because we have an emotional program that says, if someone is nasty to me, I cannot be happy or feel good about myself. Instead of reacting compulsively and retaliating, we could enjoy our freedom

as human beings and refuse to be upset. We step away, not literally but emotionally, and look at the situation as if we are not in the middle of it. We will talk more about this distance, which is called detachment, in the next chapter. For now, I'll say that it helps us find understanding without judgment. Negativity is a trait, not someone's identity. A person's true nature can be obscured by clouds, but like the sun, it is always there. And clouds can overcome any of us. We have to understand this when we deal with people who exude negative energy.

Just like we wouldn't want someone to judge us by our worst moments, we must be careful not to do that to others. When someone hurts you, it's because they're hurt. Their hurt is simply spilling over. They need help. And as the Dalai Lama says, if you can, help others. If you cannot do that, at least do not harm them. Back slowly away. From a position of understanding,

we are better equipped to address negative energy. The simplest response is to back slowly away. Just as in the last chapter, we let go of the influences that interfere with our values, we want to cleanse ourselves of the negative attitudes that cloud our outlook. In the heart of the Buddha's teaching, Tick-Nat Han, a Buddhist monk who has been called the Father of Mindfulness, writes, letting go gives us freedom, and freedom is the only condition for happiness. If in our heart we still cling to anything, anger, anxiety or possessions, we cannot be free. I encourage you to purge or avoid physical triggers of negative thoughts and feelings,

like that sweatshirt your ex gave you, or the coffee shop where you always run into a form of friend. If you don't let go physically, you won't let go emotionally. But when a family member, a friend or a colleague is involved, distancing ourselves is often not an option or not the first response we want to give. We need to use other strategies. The 25-75 principle. For every negative person in your life have three uplifting people. I try to surround myself with people who are better than I am in some way, happier, more spiritual. In life, as in sports, being around better players pushes you to grow.

I don't mean for you to take this so literally that you label each of your friends either negative or uplifting, but aim for the feeling that at least 75% of your time is spent with people who inspire you rather than bring you down. Do your part in making the friendship and uplifting exchange. Don't just spend time with the people you love, grow with them. Take a class, read a book, do a workshop. Sunger is the Sanskrit word for community, and it suggests a refuge where people serve and inspire each other. Allocate time.

Another way to reduce negativity, if you can't remove it is to regulate how much time you allow a person to occupy based on their energy. Some challenges we face only because we allow them to challenge us. There might be some people you can only tolerate for an hour a month, some for a day, some for a week. Maybe you even know a one minute person. Consider how much time is best for you to spend with them and don't exceed it. Don't be a savior. If all someone needs is an ear, you can listen without exerting much energy. If we try to be problem solvers, then we become frustrated when people don't take our brilliant advice. The desire

to save others is ego-driven. Don't let your own needs shape your response. In saying of the fathers, a compilation of teachings and magzims from Jewish rabbinic tradition, it is advised, don't count the teeth in someone else's mouth. Similarly, don't attempt to fix a problem unless you have the necessary skills. Think of your friend as a person who is drowning. If you're an excellent swimmer, a trained lifeguard, then you have the strength and wear with all to help a swimmer in trouble. Similarly, if you have the time and mind space to help another person, go for it. But if you're only a fair swimmer and you try to save a drowning person, they are likely

to pull you down with them. Instead, you call for the lifeguard. Similarly, if you don't have the energy and experience to help a friend, you can introduce them to people or ideas that might help them. Maybe someone else is their rescuer. Reverse internal negativity. Working from the outside in is the natural way of decluttering. Once we recognize and begin to neutralize the external negativities, we become better able to see our own negative tendencies and begin to reverse them. Sometimes we deny responsibility for the negativity that we ourselves put out in the world, but negativity doesn't always come from other people, and it isn't always spoken aloud.

Envy, complaint, anger, it's easy to blame those around us for a culture of negativity, but purifying our own thoughts will protect us from the influence of others. In the ashram our aspirations for purity were so high that our competition came in the form of renunciation. I eat less than that monk. I meditated longer than everyone else. But a monk has to laugh at himself if the last thought he has at the end of the meditation is, look at me, I outlasted them all. If that's where he arrived, then what was the point of the meditation. In the monastic way, a compilation of quotes edited by Hanward and Jennifer Wilde, Sister Christine Vladimirov says,

in a monastery, the only competition allowed is to outstrip each other in showing love and respect. Competition breeds envy. In the Mahabharat and evil warrior Envy is another warrior and wants him to lose all he has. The evil warrior hides a burning block of coal in his robes, planned to hurly at the object of his envy. Instead, it catches fire and the evil warrior himself is burned. His envy makes him his own enemy. Envy's Catechazin is Shodanfurter, which means taking pleasure in the suffering of others. When we derive joy from other people's failures, we're building our houses and pride on the rocky foundations of someone else's imperfection or bad luck.

That is not steady ground. In fact, when we find ourselves judging others, we should take note. It's a signal that our minds are tricking us into thinking we're moving forward when in truth we're stuck. If I sold more apples than you did yesterday, but you sold more today, this says nothing about whether I'm improving as an apple seller. The more we define ourselves in relation to the people around us,

the more lost we are. We may never completely purge ourselves of envy, jealousy, greed, lust, anger, pride and illusion, but that doesn't mean we should ever stop trying. In Sanskrit, the word Anartha generally means things not wanted. And to practice Anartha nivriti is to remove that which is unwanted. We think freedom means that we can pursue all our desires. Real freedom is letting go of things not wanted. The unchecked desires that lead us to unwanted ends. Letting go doesn't mean wiping away negative thoughts, feelings, and ideas completely.

The truth is that these thoughts will always arise. It is what we do with them that makes the difference. The neighbor's barking dog is an annoyance. It will always interrupt you. The question is how you guide the response. The key to real freedom is self-awareness. In your evaluation of your own negativity, keep in mind that even small actions have consequences. Even when we become more aware of others negativity and say, she's always complaining, we ourselves are being negative. At the ashram, we slept under mosquito nets. Every night, we'd close our nets and use flashlights to confirm that they were clear of bugs. One morning I woke up to discover that a single mosquito had been in my net,

and I had at least ten bites. I thought of something the Dalai Lama said. If you think you're too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito. Petty, negative thoughts and words are like mosquitoes. Even the smallest ones can rob us of our peace. Spot, stop, swap. Most of us don't register on negative thoughts, much as I didn't register that soul mosquito. To purify our thoughts, monks talk about the process of awareness, addressing and amending. I like to remember this as spot, stop, swap.

First we become aware of a feeling or issue, we spot it. Then we pause to address what the feeling is and where it comes from. We stop to consider it. And last, we amend our behaviour. We swap in a new way of processing the moment. Spot, stop, swap. Spot. Becoming aware of negativity means learning to spot the toxic impulses around you. To help us confront our own negativity, our monk teaches told us to try not to complain, compare, or criticize for a week, and keep a tally of how many times we failed. The goal was to see the daily tally decrease, the more aware we became of these tendencies, the more we might free ourselves from them. Listing your negative thoughts and

comments will help you contemplate their origins. Are you judging at friends' appearance? And are you equally hard on your own? Are you muttering about work without considering your own contribution? Are you reporting on a friend's illness to call attention to your own compassion? Or are you hoping to solicit more support for that friend? Try this. Audit your negative comments. Keep a tally of the negative remarks you make over the course of a week. See if you can make your daily number go down.

The goal is zero. Sometimes instead of reacting negatively to what is, we negatively anticipate what might be. This is suspicion. There's a parable about an evil king who went to meet a good king. When invited to stay for dinner, the evil king asked for his plate to be switched with

the good king's plate. When the good king asked why, the evil king replied, you may have poisoned this food. The good king laughed, that made the evil king even more nervous, and he switched the plates again, thinking maybe he was being double bluffed. The good king just shook his head and took a bite of the food in front of him. The evil king didn't eat that night. What we judge or envy or suspect in someone else can guide us to the darkness we have within ourselves.

The evil king projects his own dishonor onto the good king. In the same way our envy or impatience or suspicion with someone else tells us something about ourselves. Negative projections and suspicions reflect our own insecurities and get in our way. If you decide your boss is against you, it can affect you emotionally. You might be so discouraged that you don't perform well at work, or practically you won't ask for the rays you deserve. Either way, like the evil king, you're the one who will go hungry. Stop. When you better understand the roots of your negativity,

the next step is to address it. Silence your negativity to make room for thoughts and actions that add to your life instead of taking away from it. Start with your breath. When we're stressed, we hold our breath or clench our jaws. We slump in defeat or tense our shoulders. Throughout the day, observe your physical presence. Is your jaw tight? Is your brow furrowed? These are signs that we need to remember to breathe to loosen up

physically and emotionally. The Bhagavad-gita refers to the austerity of speech saying that we should only speak words that are truthful, beneficial to all, pleasing and that don't agitate the minds of others. The Vajasuta, from early Buddhist scriptures, offers similar wisdom, defining a well-spoken statement as one that is spoken at the right time. It is spoken in truth. It is spoken affectionately.

It is spoken beneficially. It is spoken with a mind of good will. Remember, saying whatever we want, whenever we want, however we want, is not freedom. Real freedom is not feeling the need to say these things. When we limit our negative speech, we may find that we have a lot less to say. We might even feel inhibited. Nobody loves an awkward silence, but it's worth it to free ourselves from negativity. Criticizing someone else's work ethic doesn't make you work harder. Comparing your marriage to someone else's doesn't make your marriage better unless you do so thoughtfully and

productively. Judgment creates an illusion that if you see well enough to judge, then you must be better that if someone else is failing, then you must be moving forward. In fact, it is careful, thoughtful observations that move us forward. Stopping doesn't mean simply shunning the negative instinct. Get closer to it. Australian community worker Neil Barringham said, the grass is greener where you water it. Notice what's arousing your negativity over there on your frenemy side of the fence. Do they seem to have more time, a better job, a more active social life? Because in the third step,

swapping, you'll want to look for seeds of the same on your turf and cultivate them. For example, take your envy of someone else's social whirlwind and in it, find the inspiration to host a party or get back in touch with old friends or organize an afterword get together. It is important to find our significance, not from thinking other people have it better, but from being the person we want to be. Swap After spotting and stopping, the negativity in your heart, mind and speech, you can begin

to amend it. Most of us monks were unable to completely avoid complaining, comparing and criticizing, and you can't expect you'll be completely cured of that habit either. But researchers have found that happy people tend to complain. Wait for it, mindfully. While thoughtlessly venting complaints makes your day worse, it's been shown that writing in a journal about upsetting events, giving attention to reports and emotions can foster growth and healing, not only mentally, but

also physically. We can be mindful of our negativity by being specific. When someone asks how we are, we usually answer, good, okay, fine or bad. Sometimes this is because we know a truthful detailed answer is not expected or wanted. But we tend to be equally vague when we complain. We might say we're angry or sad when we're offended or disappointed. Instead we can better manage our feelings by choosing our words carefully. Instead of describing ourselves as feeling angry, sad, anxious, hurt, embarrassed and happy, the Harvard Business Review lists nine more specific words that we could use for each one of these emotions. Instead of being angry, we might better describe

ourselves as annoyed, defensive or spiteful. Monks are considered quiet because they are trained to choose their words so carefully that it takes some time. We choose words carefully and use them with purpose. So much is lost in bad communication. For example, instead of complaining to a friend who can't do anything about it, that your partner always comes home late, communicate directly and mindfully with your partner. You might say, I appreciate that you work hard and have a lot to balance. When you come home later than you promised, it drives me crazy. You could support me by texting me as soon as you know you're running late.

When our complaints are understood by ourselves and others, they can be more productive. In addition to making our negativity more productive, we can also deliberately swap in positivity. One way to do this, as I mentioned, is to use our negativity like envy to guide us to what we want, but we can also swap in new feelings. In English, we have the words empathy and compassion to express our ability to feel the

pain that others suffer, but we don't have a word for experiencing vicarious joy, joy on behalf of other people. Perhaps this is a sign that we all need to work on it. Mudata is the principle of taking sympathetic or unselfish joy in the good fortune of others. If I only find joy in my own successes, I'm limiting my joy. But if I can take pleasure in the success of my friends and family, 10, 20, 50 people, I get to experience 50 times the happiness and joy. Who doesn't want that? The material world has convinced us that there are only a limited number of college's worth

attending, a limited number of good jobs available, a limited number of people who get lucky. In such a finite world, there's only so much success and happiness to go around. And whenever other people experience them, your chances of doing so decrease. But monks believe that when it comes to happiness and joy, there is always a seat with your name on it. In other words, you don't need to worry about someone taking your place. In the theatre of happiness, there is no limit. Everyone who wants to partake in Mouditer can watch the show. With unlimited seats, there is no fear of missing out. Rādhāna Tsrāmi is my spiritual teacher and the author of several books, including the Journey Home. I asked him how to stay peaceful and be a positive force in a world where

there is so much negativity. He said, there is toxicity everywhere around us, in the environment, in the political atmosphere, but the origin is in people's hearts. Unless we clean the ecology of our own heart and inspire others to do the same, we will be an instrument of polluting the environment. But if we create purity in our own heart, then we can contribute great purity to the world around us. Try this, reverse envy. Make a list of five people you care about, but also feel competitive with.

Come up with at least one reason that you're envious of each one, something they've achieved, something they're better at, something that's gone well for them. Did that achievement actually take anything away from you? Now think about how it benefited your friend. Visualize everything good that has come to them from this achievement. Would you want to take any of these things away if you could, even knowing that they would not come to you? If so, this envy is robbing you of joy. Envy is more destructive to you than whatever your friend has accomplished. Spend your energy transforming it. Shama, amending anger. We've talked about strategies to manage and minimize the daily negativity in your life.

The nuisances like complaining, comparing and gossip can feel manageable next to bigger negative emotions like pain and anger. We all harbour anger in some form. Anger from the past or anger at people who continue to play a big role in our lives. Anger at misfortune, anger at the living and the dead, anger turned inward. When we are deeply wounded, anger is often part of the response. Anger is a great flaming ball of negative emotion and when we cannot let it go, no matter how we try, the anger takes on a life of its own.

The toll is enormous. I want to talk specifically about how to deal with anger we feel toward other people. Shama is the Sanskrit for forgiveness. It suggests that you bring patience and forbearance to your dealings with others. Sometimes we have been wounded so deeply that we can't imagine how we might forgive the person who hurt us. But contrary to what most of us believe, forgiveness is primarily an action we take within ourselves. Sometimes it's better and safer and healthier, not to have direct contact with the person at all.

Other times, the person who hurt us is no longer around to be forgiven directly. But those factors don't impede forgiveness because it is, first and foremost, internal. It frees you from anger. One of my clients told me, I had to reach back to my childhood to pinpoint why I felt unloved and unworthy. My paternal grandmother set the tone for this feeling. I realized she treated me differently because she didn't like my mother. I had to forgive her even though she passed on already.

I realized I was always worthy and always lovable. She was broken, not I. The Bhagavad-gita describes three gooners or modes of life, Thomas, Rajas and Satva, which represent ignorance, impulsivity and goodness. I have found that these three modes can be applied to any activity. For example, when you pull back from a conflict and look for understanding, it's very useful to try to shift from Rajas, impulsivity and passion to Suttva, goodness, positivity and peace. These modes are the foundation of my approach to forgiveness, transformational forgiveness. Before we find our way to forgiveness, we're

stuck in anger. We may even want revenge to return the pain that a person has inflicted on us. And I for an I. Revenge is the mode of ignorance. It's often said that you can't fix yourself by breaking someone else. Monks don't hinge their choices and feelings on others' behaviors. You believe revenge will make you feel better because of how the other person will react. But when you make your vindictive play and the other person will react. But when you make your vindictive play and the person doesn't have the response you fantasized about, guess what? You only feel more pain. Revenge backfires. When you rise above revenge, you can begin the process of forgiveness. People tend to think in binary terms. You

either forgive someone or you don't forgive someone. But as I will suggest more than once in this book, there are often multiple levels. These levels give us leeway to be where we are, to progress in our own time and to climb only as far as we can. On the scale of forgiveness, the bottom, though it is higher than revenge, is zero forgiveness. I am not going to forgive that person no matter what. I don't want to hurt them, but I'm never going to forgive them. On this step, we're still stuck in anger, and there is no resolution. As you might imagine, this is an uncomfortable place to stay.

The next step is conditional forgiveness. If they apologize, then I'll apologize. If they promise never to do it again, I'll forgive them. This transactional forgiveness comes from the mode of impulse, driven by the need to feed your own emotions. Research at Luther College shows that forgiving appears to be easier when we get or give an apology, but I don't want to focus on conditional forgiveness. I want you to rise higher. The next step is something called transformational forgiveness. This is forgiveness in the mode of goodness. In transformational forgiveness, we find the strength and calmness to forgive

without expecting an apology or anything else in return. There is one level higher on the forgiveness ladder, unconditional forgiveness. This is the level of forgiveness that a parent often has for a child. No matter what that child does or will do, the parent has already forgiven them. The good news is, I'm not suggesting you aim for that. What I want you to achieve is transformational forgiveness. Peace of mind. Forgiveness has been shown to bring peace to our minds. Forgiveness actually conserves energy. Transformational forgiveness is linked to a slew of health improvements, including fewer medications taken, better sleep quality and reduce somatic symptoms, including back pain,

headache, nausea and fatigue. Forgiveness eases stress, because we no longer recycle the angry thoughts, both conscious and subconscious, that stress us out in the first place. In fact, science shows that in close relationships, there's less emotional tension between partners when they're able to forgive each other. And that promotes physical well-being. In a study published in a 2011 edition of the journal Personal Relationships, 68 married couples agreed to have an 8-minute talk about a recent incident where one spouse broke the

rules of the marriage. The couple's then separately watched replays of the interviews and researchers measured their blood pressure. In couples with a victim was able to forgive their spouse, both partners' blood pressure decreased. It just goes to show that forgiveness is good for everyone. Giving and receiving forgiveness both have health benefits. When we make forgiveness a regular part of our spiritual practice, we start to notice all of our relationships blossoming. We're no longer holding grudges. There's less drama to deal with. drama to deal with. Try this, ask for and receive forgiveness. In this exercise, we try to untangle the knot of pain and or anger created by conflict. Even if the relationship is not one you want to salvage or have the option of rebuilding,

this exercise will help you let go of anger and fine peace. Before you start, visualize yourself in the other person's shoes. Acknowledge their pain and understand that is why they are causing you pain. Then write a letter of forgiveness. Number one, list all the ways you think the other person did you wrong. Forgiving an other person honestly and specifically goes a long way toward healing the relationship. Start each item with I forgive you for. Keep going until you get everything out. We're not sending this letter, so you can repeat yourself if the same thing keeps coming to mind. Write everything you wanted to say but never had a chance. You don't have to feel forgiveness. Yet, when you write it down, what you're doing is beginning to understand the pain more

specifically so that you can slowly let it go. Number two, acknowledge your own shortcomings. What was your role if any in the situational conflict? List the ways you feel you did wrong, starting each with the phrase, please forgive me for. Remember you can't undo the past, but taking responsibility for your role will help you understand and let go of your anger toward yourself and the other person. Number three, when you are done with this letter, record yourself reading it. Most phones can do this.

Play it back, putting yourself in the position of the objective observer. Remember that the pain inflicted on you isn't yours. It's the other person's pain. When you squeeze an orange, you get orange juice. When you squeeze someone full of pain, pain comes out. Instead of absorbing it or giving it back, if you forgive, you help diffuse the pain.

Forgiveness is a two-way street. Forgiveness has to flow in both directions. None of us is perfect, and though there will be situations where you are blameless, there are also times when there are missteps on both sides of a conflict. When you cause pain and others cause you pain, it's as if your hearts get twisted together into an uncomfortable knot. When we forgive, we start to separate our pain from theirs and to heal ourselves emotionally. But when we ask for forgiveness, at the same time, we untwist together. This is a bit trickier because we're much more comfortable finding fault

in other people and then forgiving it. We're not used to admitting fault and taking responsibility for what we create in our lives, forgiving ourselves. Sometimes when we feel shame or guilt for what we've done in the past, it's because those actions no longer reflect our values. Now when we look at our former selves, we don't relate to their decisions. This is actually good news. The reason we're hurting over our past is because we've made progress. We did the best we could then, but we can do better now. What could be better than moving forward? We're already winning. We're

already crushing it. When we wrap our heads around the fact that we can't undo the past, we begin to accept our own imperfections and mistakes. Forgive ourselves and in doing so, open ourselves up to the emotional healing we all yearn for. Try this, forgive yourself. The exercises we've shared can also be used to forgive yourself. Starting each line with, I forgive myself for, list the reasons you feel angry at or disappointed in yourself. Then read it out loud or record it and play it for yourself. Bring out the objective observer and find understanding for yourself. Letting

go of the pain. Elevate. The pinnacle of forgiveness, true satva, is to wish the other person who caused you pain well. I became a Buddhist because I hated my husband. That's not something you hear every day, but Buddhist nun and author of When Things Fall Apart, Payma children, is only kind of kidding. After her divorce, she went into a negativity spiral where she entertained revenge fantasies because of her husband's affair. Eventually, she came across the writings of Chagyum Trunga Rumpolshe, a meditation master

who founded Naropa University in Boulder, Colorado. In reading his work, she realized that the relationship had become like a malignant cell. Instead of dying off, her anger and blame were causing the negativity of the breakup to spread. Once children allowed herself to become more like a river than a rock, she was able to forgive her husband and move forward. She now refers to her ex-husband as one of her greatest teachers. If you want the negativity between yourself and another person to dissipate, you have to hope that you both heal. You don't have to tell them directly, but send the

energy of well-wishing out into the air. This is when you feel most free and at peace, because you're truly able to let go. Negativity is a natural part of life. We tease and provoke express vulnerability, connect over shared values and fears. It's hard to find a comedy show that isn't based on negative observations, but there is a line between negativity that helps us navigate life and negativity that puts more pain out into the world. You might talk about the problems someone's child is having with addiction because you are scared that it will happen to your family and hoping to avoid it. But you also might gossip about the same

issue to judge the family and feel better about your own. Ellen DeGeneres sees the line clearly. In an interview with Parade magazine, she said that she doesn't think it's funny to make fun of people. The world is filled with negativity. I want people to watch me and think, I feel good and I'm going to make somebody else feel good today. This is the spirit in which monks have fun. We are playful and laugh easily. When new monks arrived, they often took themselves too seriously. I know I did, and the senior monks would have a twinkling their eyes when they said, steady now, don't waste all your energy on your first day. Whenever the priest brought out the most special sacred food, which was sweeter and tastier than the simple food we ordinarily ate, the younger

monks would joke wrestle to get to it first. And if someone fell asleep and snored during meditation, we would all glance at one another, not even trying to hide our distraction. We needn't reduce our thoughts and words to 100% sunshine and positivity. But we should challenge ourselves to dig to the root of negativity, to understand its origins in ourselves and those around us, and to be mindful and deliberate in how we manage the energy it absorbs. We begin to let go through recognition and forgiveness. We spot, stop and swap, observe, reflect and develop new behaviors to replace the negativity in our lives, always striving towards self-discipline and bliss. When you

stop feeling so curious about others' misfortunes and instead take pleasure in their successes, you're healing. The less time you fixate on everyone else, the more time you have to focus on yourself. Negativity, as we've discussed, often arises from fear. Next, we will explore fear itself. How it gets in our way and how we can make it a productive part of life. Head over to thinklikeamoncbook.com if you'd like to grab a hardback kindle or the audible version of the book that's available right now and thank you so much for being a part of the on-purpose community. If you haven't left a review for the book on the podcast, please go ahead and do it. It means the world to me. Thank you so much. you you Hi, I'm David Eagleman. I have a new podcast called Inner Cosmos on I Heart.

I'm going to explore the relationship between our brains and our experiences by tackling unusual questions like can we create new senses for humans? So join me weekly to uncover how your brain steers your behavior, your perception, and your reality. Listen to Intercosmos with David Eagleman on the I Heart Radio app Apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. The world of chocolate has been turned upside down. A very unusual situation. You saw this tax of cash in our office. Chocolate comes from the cacao tree and recently, Variety's cacao, thought to have been lost centuries ago, were rediscovered in the Amazon.

There is no chocolate on earth like this. Now some chocolate makers are racing, deep into the jungle. Fun find the next game-changing chocolate, and I'm coming along. OK, that was a very large crack it up. Listen to obsessions while chocolate. On the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcast. Hey, it's Debbie Brown. Host of the Deeply Well Podcast Podcast, where we hold conscious conversations

with leaders and radical healers and wellness around topics that are meant to expand and support you on your wellbeing journey. Deeply well is your soft place to land, to work on yourself without judgment, to heal, to learn, to grow, to become who you deserve to be. Deeply well with Debbie Brown is available now on the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Namaste.